Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Pete Doherty To Run The London Marathon
WITH new celebrity Leon Jackson bedding in old celebrity Pete Doherty needs a new headline-making song, or failing that, a stunt.
So here’s news in the Mirror that Pete Doherty wants to run the London Marathon. Whether he will run or not is beside the point. It is that he should want to run that is newsworthy.
The Mirror says Doherty has already started jogging in preparation for next year’s gruelling 26-mile road race.
Says the Doherty camp: “There is some truth to this – you never know what could happen.”
We don’t know but we have a rough idea, given that Doherty’s career to date has been a varied as a Gregorian chant.
The real fear is that Doherty will turn to running and do too well, revealing a commitment to speed that his drugs history demands.
As such, marathon champion Doherty may find himself drugs tested and his run rendered null and voice when his blood samples are found to contain more than the usual builders’ dust, burnt kebab and coffee fumes most Londoners inhale.
Posted: 17th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (7)
Joss Stone’s Flake Is A Fudge
JOSS Stone, she of the mid-Atlantic drawl, will advertise Cadbury’s Flakes because, as the Cadbury spokesman tells the Express, “she reflects the Flakes girl’s attitude to life”.
The Flake is now the tenth most popular selling confectionary in the UK. Cadbury Dairy Milk remains the best-selling chocolate in Britain. You may have seen the advert for it where Phil Collins plays the drum in the nude.
True enough, the thought of Collins simulating oral sex on a stick of flaky chocolate will appeal to a niche demographic, and it might be that no celebrity can be all things (surely, Allsorts) to all confectionary bars.
But should we congratulate Stone or offer our sympathies? Did her agent take a risk when he knocked back the Finger of Fudge deal? And had he accepted, what would it have said about Stone’s “Attitude to life”?
Posted: 17th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
The Smell Of Success: Inhaling Jordan, Britney And Kate Moss
“JORDAN SCENTS XMAS VICTORY,” says the Star. “Top 10 Celeb Pongs.”
According to official figures, Stunning by Katie Price is the top celebrity bottled smell. Each morning a team of parfumiers scrape Jordan’s bedding and dispense the contents into a two nipple-shaped jugs. It is then passed through a sieve.
Boasting top notes of orange blossom, orange tango and orange Opal Fruits, laid over a bed of warm hammock with base notes of damp horse and acorn, this tart and heady concoction demands respect.
Jordan’s smell outsells Curious by Britney Spears, Kate Moss by Kate Moss, Kelly Brook by Kelly Brook and Intimately his ‘n’ hers by the Beckhams.
These are the smells previously known only to the people closest to the celebrities, now made available to one and all.
The key difference is that the purchased smell is only borrowed and will last only until your next wash, whereas David Beckham really does smell of the “intense freshness and sparkle of bergamot, tangy grapefruit zest and zingy cardamom” overlaid by “a virile blend of nutmeg and star anise” and “finishing down with warm sensual undertones of sandalwood, patchouli and amber”.
And knowing Jordan is to fall head first into a bowl of mandarins…
Posted: 17th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
The Exclusive Factor: The Real Leon Jackson
LEON Jackson can carry a tune as well as any department store lift. And by rights he is now a bona fide celebrity, adding his weight to the country’s celebrity mountain.
Right now Jackson is at the top of the pile, backside sat on Kerry Katona, one toe in Marc Bannerman’s eye, an elbow shoved in Anthea Turner’s folds.
These are the glory days. In time, Leon will pull on a fleece-lined anorak and scream “Hello, Bridlington, I love you. It’s great to be back for another summer”, meet Gordon Brown and try his hand at TV presenting on a Saturday morning cookery show.
For now though, Leon must do as all winners atop the celebrity heap do and tell us about Leon. “I’ve had bras thrown at me and the pants and it’s really flattering,” says Jackson.
And in the Mirror’s X Factor “EXCLUSIVE”: “But just now I need to focus on music…I don’t think I’m going to get distracted with a lady companion at the moment.”
In the Sun’s “X FACTOR EXCLUSIVE”, Leon says “now bring on the girl groupies.”
In time we will get to experience the real Leon, possibly on Celebrity Masterchef or Love Island. But for now we are confused…
Posted: 17th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Amy Winehouse At Six And Seven
AMY Winehouse drinks a cocktail at 6:00am. “SAD,” says the Mirror.
At 6.26 am, Amy Winehouse “leans head on hand”.
“MISERABLE,” says the Mirror.
“At 6:45 am, Amy Winehouse is “buying newspapers and supplies”.
“SHOPPING,” says the Mirror.”
At 7am, the Mirror’s SAD and MISERABLE, and COLD photographer sells his pictures to anyone SHOPPING for shots of Winehouse buying a milk and a copy of the Daily Star…
Posted: 17th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Jimmy Savile Row: Sir Jimmy’s Tips On Girls And Suits
SIR Jimmy Savile OBE, as he must be known, appears in a string vest, Stoke Mandeville bring-and-buy sale shell suit and hair like spun toffee.
Sir Jimmy appears in the Daily Sport, sandwiched between news of a teacher caught having sex with a teenager and the question “WHO’LL BE FIRST TO LAY LEON?”, an insight into the glamour model betting syndicate’s sweep on Celebrity X Factor winner Leon Jackson.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 17th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)
The Daily Express Asylum Seeker Challenge
ONCE more the munificent Daily Express gives asylum seekers, refugees and UKIP voters looking for a means of escape the chance to win a campervan.
And what’s more there is a “FREE AA DRIVING LESSON” for every reader.
For your chance to win the van, just answer the Express’s simple question: “Should failed asylum seekers get handouts from Britain?”
Posted: 17th, December 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)
Amy Winehouse Leads Pop’s Nostalgia Tribute For Tupac Shakur And Leon Jackson
AMY Winehouse “jail hell,” says the News of the World.
It’s a good career move. Short of a stint on a reality TV show judge, shaving her head or an untimely death – the NOTW says Winehouse has vowed “SUICIDE” if jailed for abetting her husband in an alleged £200,000 plot to fix his assault trial – jail is very much the go.
The paper says Winehouse “could face LIFE in jail if cops link her to the suspected conspiracy to clear husband Blake Fielder-Civil on a GBH charge”. Of course, LIFE for Winehouse will mean DEATH”. “Amy, however, is now one step even closer to the brink,” says the paper. She was ever edgy.
Life In Death
Neither life not death will do her earnings much harm. Forbes magazine’s “Top-earning dead celebrities” lists for 2007, featured Elvis Presley (No. 1) singer-songwriter John Lennon (2), former Beatle George Harrison at (4), Tupac Shakur (8) soul singer James Brown (11) and reggae star Bob Marley (12).
On the London Underground, there are adverts for new releases from the legendary hip hop figure Tupac Shakur, whose face also illuminates the night sky on Times Square (43rd and Broadway) at the Southwest corner of Times Square.
Despite being at rest since 1996, Tupac’s new album features new material and remixes of old material. Tupac produces and reproduces. Nothing prevents writer’s block like death.
This latest Winehouse news, of course, comes one day after Leon Jackson became the latest reality TV product when he won TV’s X Factor talent show.
Liam and his vanquished opponents behaved impeccably well. No pinching. No spitting. No vows of vengeance and screams “fix!”. Liam looked genuinely tired and emotional as his shoulders slumped and the tears rolled from his eyes.
Leon adds his name to a lengthening line of nice reality people – stuttering Gareth Gates, jump-jawed Will Young, musakal Hear’Say.
The result has been a beige chorus of cover versions and invitations to clap the star because, well, he’s a nice lad, she’s a nice girl and you liked their new single when you first heard in 1982.
Pop’s Politicos
The alternative to the nice boys and girls are the likes of Mr G9 (Bono – “I represent a lot of people [in Africa] who have no voice at all…”) Bob Geldof and Elton John who implore us to be better people and do the right thing for the planet.
Meanwhile, away from reality and elitist old pop stars preparing legacies like departing politicians, we get Winehouse and Pete Doherty, singers who understand that the music is always second to the drugs, the drink and the drama.
Amid all the remixes of old songs and the reinvigorating of old and dead acts, Winehouse gives us the true taste of nostalgia, when popstars behaved properly.
Anorak favourite badly behaved popstars:
Chuck Berry – Berry was sentenced to three years in jail in 1961 for transporting a 14-year-old prostitute across state lines for “immoral purposes”. In 1994 he was sued by 60 women for, allegedly, filming them in the bathroom of his Southern Air restaurant in Wentzville, Missouri. To protect himself from allegations of rape he insisted female fans strip and smile for pictures with him before he’d have sex with them
Lee “Scratch” Perry – The reggae great was sighted walking backward and worshiping bananas. In 1980, he burned his studio down. He has placed a curse on the BBC which will only lapse when play his records around the clock.
Brian Wilson – Upon meeting some youths backstage in 1970, Beach Boy Wilson introduced himself with a cheery “I’m Brian”. Came the reply: “We know. We’re your children”…
Posted: 16th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Paris Hilton: Fait Nos Une Pipe Dance
PARIS Hilton is the Sun’s “Party girl Paris burns up Berlin”.
The Sun’s showbiz writer Gordon Smart might be dressed like a provincial estate agent (pink tie, light grey suit) but in spite of appearances he is a professional writer. It was he who told us: “I PROMISED not to feature people of limited talent on my page unless they met a set of strict criteria.”
So here’s Paris Hilton managing to “fit in a spot of raunchy dancing at one of the city’s nightspots”.
You want talent? You can’t handle the talent.
“Not content with cutting her moves on dancefloor, chairs and tables, Paris moved things up a notch by swinging from the ceiling pipes.”
And so what at first glance looked like another lazy Paris Hilton filler, the literary equivalent of eating a salty and nutritionless crisp (says Smart: “Wearing a tiny dress, she gave clubbers below a real eyeful), turns out to be the moment a trend began.
Forget lap-dancing. Wave adieu to pole dancing. This is pipe dancing. And it is set to be all the rage. Remember, you read it in here first…
Posted: 15th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
David Beckham’s Hung Like a Tractor
SAYS Victoria Beckham: “I’m proud I still have a really good sex life with David. He is very much in proportion.”
In proportion to what is unspecified – his talent, his fame, his brand, his wife? Says Vicky, in the Sun: “He does have a huge one, though. He does. You can see it in the advert. It is all his.”
The advert is the one debated earlier in the week. And in truth, you cannot tell what is and is not Beckham’s; even the underpants that cover Little Becks carry the name tag “Armani”.
But this is talk of Beckham’s genitals is not all that pleasant. Many did look at the picture of Beckham in his Y-fronts and think “penis” or some word to that affect, but it is something best left alone.
Says Her Poshness, poshly: “It is like a tractor exhaust pipe!” Covered in mud and spewing out noxious substances? Who would want to get into bed with the outflow pipe from a piece of farm machinery? And since when did Her Poshenss become au fait with farms – has she been consorting with Rebecca Loos, pig tosser of repute?
Vicky continues: “I love sex. It is very important. I don’t need to take my whip home. I already have one there.”
Well, if he won’t come willingly…
Posted: 15th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (7)
Pa For The Course: Testing Princess Diana And Prince Philip
WHAT excitement on hearing that Prince Philip’s letters to Princess Diana have been made public at the inquest into her death.
Philip is famously Greek, and Diana was partial to a foreign gentleman. Might more be revealed than anyone could have dared think?
“Thank you for taking the time to respond to my letter,” writes Philip in fluent English. “I hope this means we can continue to make use of this form of communication since there appears to be very little other opportunity to exchange views.”
Philip’s letters are typed. Diana’s letters all begin “Dearest Pa” and are all handwritten.
Experts will cue up to comment on that. But we wonder if there is not something odd about calling your in-laws mum and dad, pa or ma? If they are your mother, what does that make your spouse – your brother, your sister? Should such name calling be encouraged?
“DEAREST PA,” says the Mail’s front-page headline. “Revealed: Intimate letters between Diana and Philip.”
It all depends on how you read these missives. The Mail sees a bond in the edited letters. The Express reads the same letters and asks: “Did Philip want Diana dead?”
In years to come one imagines that question forming the basis of an A-level exam, students invited to quote the set texts: Daily Express 1997-2007; Paul Burrell Volumes I to XI and Philips Letters – The Who The Hell Are You? collection.
Posted: 14th, December 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (10)
The Tenth Rule Of Celebrity With Guest Star Kerry Katona
THE Tenth Rule Of Celebrity dictates that a drama occurring to persons famous should be met by comment from other famous persons, chiefly in shows of support and empathy.
And even if an unfortunate event happens to non-famous persons, should the scale be grand enough they will form a coven and call it a telethon. Smaller scale events garner a Heart of Gold.
And here is Kerry Katona, mother, supermarket own-brand ketchup fan and jungle lettuce shaker to give her views on a recent disaster.
Having read in the papers that Alex Curran, Wag to Steve Gerrard’s England footballer, has been affected by a burglary to her home, Kerry responds in a way that shows her as a victim, friend, empathiser and champion. And above all a celebrity.
Not too long ago Kerry’s home was burgled. “Kerry says she suffered a “flash back of panic” when she heard how Curran had been treated, trills the Star. Kerry “froze in horror”. Kerry is the real victim here.
“I know what you’re going through,” says Kerry. Empathy.
“What happened to me was the worst experience of my life, but I’ve managed to get through it.” Strength. “You will to.” Support.
Alex Curran’s views are not given…
Posted: 14th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Spice Girls Make A Stand For Women
AN injury to a Spice Girl.
“Zig a zig aarrrgh!” exclaims the Mirror. “Hop right now,” says the Sun, for reasons esoteric.
“Limping in for the UK tour, Crocked Spice,” reports the Mail, sticking to the tried-and-tested policy of called anything something… Spice – see Pregnant Spice, Married Spice, Divorced Spice, Skeletal Spice, Old Spice and so on…
News that Baby Spice, aka Emma Bunton, has hurt her leg while performing in Las Vegas is well covered. But what reasons for the injury are hardly touched upon.
There is no cause to believe Baby Spice is faking an injury. But she is ever the show person, and what if at the moment of greatest pain she tosses down her crutches and to the cry “Yes, Victoria, I do believe you are talented. I believe!” walks again?
Of course, it is probably just a clever comment on the plight of women in Sudan. Such is the feminist oeuvre of the Spice Movement…
Posted: 14th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Talent Spotting With The Sun’s Paris Hilton
“I PROMISED not to feature people of limited talent on my page unless they met a set of strict criteria,” says the Sun’s Gordon Smart, his two page dominated by a picture of Paris Hilton.
Smart wants to be like Lloyd Grove, who banned all mention of Paris from his gossip column in the New York Daily News. He stuck to his vow. Grove has now left the paper. Hilton goes on.
Says Grove: “I came to think of Paris as the Human Cheeto. I just couldn’t resist dipping into the nearest Paris bowl and grabbing a salty, yet nutritionless, item (nightclubbing Paris hurls ice cubes at a rival; cover girl Paris tells a magazine interviewer something stupid), then plopping it into the mouth of my column. Invariably, afterward, I felt a teensy bit sick.”
So what reason does tough Smart have for featuring Paris? Well, Paris has “appeared semi-naked for a new movie”.
If this news fits with Smart’s stringent criteria, we can expect to read of Paris Hilton every day, not least of all when she performs her other talents and appears knickerless or totally naked…
Posted: 14th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
I Confess: I Am Richard Madeley And Judy Finnegan’s Presenter Child
MORE on Richard Madeley and Judy Finnegan, as the tea-time Telly twosome’s teenage daughter Chloe tells us that she wants to work in TV.
“I do want to work in TV,” says Chloe in the Express, “and I would like to present…But I want to start at the bottom and learn everything that way. I don’t want to trade in on my parent’s success.”
Problem is that while Chloe’s peers are sending in missives and begging letters to producers, some offering their services for free in a bid to be noticed, Chloe is delivering her job application in the national press.
Whether she is talented or not may depend on whom young Madeley-Finnegan marries. The Anorak suggests a coupling with Mark Wogan, TV chef son to Terry Wogan, or a modern romance with TV presenter Peaches Geldof, daughter to Bob Geldof.
Alternatively, Chloe could just stick with her brother Jack, with whom she presented episodes of last season’s Big Brother spin off Big Brother’s Big Mouth on the Chanel 4 network, on which her parents also feature…
, as the tea-time Telly twosome’s teenage daughter Chloe tells us that she wants to work in TV.
“I do want to work in TV,” says Chloe in the Express, “and I would like to present…But I want to start at the bottom and learn everything that way. I don’t want to trade in on my parent’s success.”
Problem is that while Chloe’s peers are sending in missives and begging letters to producers, some offering their services for free in a bid to be noticed, Chloe is delivering her job application in the national press.
Whether she is talented or not may depend on whom young Madeley-Finnegan marries. The Anorak suggests a coupling with Mark Wogan, TV chef son to Terry Wogan, or a modern romance with Peaches Geldof.
Alternatively, Chloe could just stick with her brother Jack, with whom she presented episodes of last season’s Big Brother spin off Big Brother’s Big Mouth on the Chanel 4 network, on which her parents also feature…
Posted: 14th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Gemma Atkinson Splits From Double Act
“GEMMA – BOOBS LAUNCH OWN CAREER,” announces the Star on its front page, words hung in yellow ink beside a shot of bikini-encased Gemma Atkinson.
As with all facts, the Anorak likes to look at things from another angle, and suggests the alternative headlines: “GEMMA BOOBS GO IT ALONE”, “GEMMA ATKINSON DROPPED BY BOOBS” and “WE’RE SICK OF CARRYING GEMMA – BOOBS SPEAK OUT”.
Gemma’s boobs will be appearing as Jordan in Puss In Boots at the Raymond Revue Bar, Soho
Posted: 14th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)
Lapdancing Is The Saviour Of Mankind, And Posh And Becks
USED to nights in and out with Victoria, David Beckham may have spent the duration of he and his wife’s trip to a pole dancing club ogling the slender pole.
He may well have squeezed his wife’s hand and offered her a reassuring “Phwoarr!”
James Walsh, who was in the club when the Beckhams arrived, tells the Mirror: “I was having a dance and the girl I was with said she had just been with the Beckhams. I suppose that is the closest I’ll get to dancing with Victoria.”
Again our attention is captured by the pole.
And moreover by this the club-goer’s interpretation of the world “dance”. If there is one thing we have learnt from outings with Old Mr Anorak, our patron, it is that pole-dancing and lap-dancing require only one person to actually dance.
The male may care to hand jive or tap his toe but his efforts are otherwise not needed.
Indeed, the very appeal of such dancing venues is that they give the male dancer the chance to say that he has been dancing and enjoyed it without moving. The famously stiff Posh may also have enjoyed the dance.
In this season, men are required to dance at Christmas parties. The man can: a) stand in the middle of an already dancing group and be almost unnoticed; b) execute a comedy dance; or c) affect an injury and spend the night talking with the guys from the IT department.
But thanks to lap dancing all men can “go dancing” without fear of looking a sad, pathetic fool…
Posted: 13th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Warming To Paris Hilton
THE Sun’s front-page news combines a picture of Paris Hilton dipped in gold paint and the headline “PARIS FOUND GILTY”.
Inside the paper and readers see Paris Hilton on all fours. She is naked but in what is believed to be a first, readers cannot see her vagina, buttocks nor breasts. “PARIS GILTON,” says the Mirror on its Page 3.
This more demure Paris is in California’s Mojave Desert for the Rich Water Foundation, whose stated aim is to source water from icebergs.
Look out for video footage of Paris bathing in foamy iceberg water and straddling an iceberg while scientists try to explain her popularity and global warming…
Posted: 13th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Jade Goody Pulls A Cracker
YESTERDAY, the papers reported that Prince Azim of Brunei had given Jade Goody a ring valued at £3million.
Today the Sun says the ring is worth £30,000. The initial appraisal may have been influenced by the prince’s gift of jewellery to singer Mariah Carey, which was valued at £3million.
Readers should note that Goody’s gift is worth a hundredth of the Carey trinket and wonder if the prince’s presents are index linked to the recipient’s talent.
And then wonder if Ms Goody should avoid wearing her ring in the bath…
Posted: 13th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
George Bush Does Cold Turkey
NO man can fault George Bush’s pioneering and inoxitaticating spirit.
Says George Bush on ABC news, as overheard by the Sun: “I doubt I’d be standing here if I hadn’t quite drinking whisky and beer and wine and all that.”
Alcohol can affect you perceptions, your understanding of reality. Had Bush continued to drink he may have never entered the real world, getting no closer to what passes for reality than an episode of Big Brother and Washington DC.
Bush went “cold turkey”, notes the Sun. And readers may recall Bush holding a plastic turkey he carried around for the cameras at a Thanksgiving dinner for the troops in Iraq. It was cold.
And for alcohol, there are drugs. Bush tells a girl he understands her struggle. “I wanted her, this young girl who’s struggling with drug addiction, to know that others who might be famous have the same issue – that’s she’s not alone.”
The Sun understands. Like Bush it goes out of its way to explain to any struggling readers that they are no different to Amy Winehouse, Kerry Katona, Michael Barrymore, Lindsay Lohan…
Posted: 13th, December 2007 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Danielle Lloyd’s Orange Glow
SIGNS on the Daily Star’s front cover that the orangey cover that swaddles Danielle Lloyds’ body like the rind on a seasonal Satsuma renders her impervious to cold.
“Baby it’s cold outside,” says the Star’s front-page headline, “so let our hottie warm you up.”
Danielle is pictured in white bra and knickers and her trademark orange coating. “Ice one, Dani…,” says the paper.
The world is looking for alternative sources of insulation, what with rising energy prices and climate change. Might it be that Fake Bake keeps out the winter chill?
If so, we beseech the powers that be to make Orange Glow available free to all home owners, the homeless and OAPs. Or, failing that, deliver Danielle to your home and instruct her to stretch out her legs in the manner of a two-bar fire…
Posted: 13th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Wag Watch: Alex Curran Horror Over Steven Gerrard’s Gift
THE good news is that Alex Curran, Wag to England footballer Steven Gerrard, likes shopping. She may even live for it.
The bad news is that her next shopping expedition has been triggered not by England making it to Austria and Switzerland for this summer’s European Championships of Shopping but by a raid on her family home.
In “OUR TERROR”, Curran tells Mirror readers: “It was terrifying – a horrendous experience. I’m still traumatised by the whole thing.”
Inside the paper, over two more pages, Alex manages to find an outfit to put on, a ring and a necklace, too.
It is apparent that the four robbers did not take everything. And in the Star, Alex can be seen in black leggings, black boots and carrying a bag that should comfortably hold the contents of a mid-sized department store.
On the Mail’s cover, Curran is wearing a plunge-necked dress in tope. And in the Mail the outfit is a silver mini-dress, bejewelled strappy black shoes and a clutch bag.
It is clear Curran needs more stuff. So it’s off to the shops for her. Although there is some confusion over what she needs to replace. The Star says the £10,000 Cartier watch she told the world she was buying her footballer for Christmas has been stolen but the Sun says it was missed by the robbers.
Of course, now the surprise is ruined. So Curran will just have to buy another one, perhaps for Gerrard’s other wrist.
And on an even better note, the combined value of the two watches will help counter accusations that Curran has gone downmarket…
Posted: 13th, December 2007 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Mirror Goes Overboard For John Darwin
A LATE entrant in the Get The Story To Fit The Headline Award at this years SHOCKERS (broadcast live on ITV 3) in the Mirror, where John Darwin’s alleged insurance scam is still being billed as the Crime Story Of the Century.
“Canoe man’s movie copycat,” says the paper. And the headline: “DAY OF THE KYAKAL.”
Look out for: “One Flew Over The Canoe Nest” (“It was madness” – Anne Darwin), “The Gunwales Redemption” (“I am decent”) and, naturally, “Reservoir Dogs” (“I am in the Mr Pink of health” – John Darwin)…
Missing: Naomi Campbell’s Mobile Phone
ANYONE see Naomi Campbell’s crystal-encrusted BlackBerry phone? You can’t miss it. Or, rather, it can’t miss you.
Ms Campbell has a difficult relationship with phones, as one Ana Scolavino has testified.
Indeed it was Campbell who said: “I pleaded guilty to a misdemeanour in court today. That’s the best way I know to say I’m sorry to Ana. I accepted responsibility and I’m prepared to take my punishment. But I’m not going to let this incident define me.”
But can Campbell move on, or be allowed to? The Mirror says she has lost her mobile, or lost without it?
We journey to the backstage party after Led Zeppelin’s reunion gig, and Campbell is looking for her phone.
“As soon as she realised her stuff was missing she started screaming and shouting and wildly pointing in the direction where Grohl was sitting, screeching, ‘Have they got it, have they got it.’”
Grohl is Dave Grohl, frontman of the Foo Fighters band. And this is his cue to produce the phone and with the cricketing cry “Catch It!” throw it hard but fairly in Campbell’s direction. But no. The phone remains missing.
So who has the phone? And, no less vitally, who has the number kept thereon. The phone is said to contain the numbers of Campbell’s “A-list pals” – Nelson Mandela, P Diddy, Kate Moss and Beyonce.
Campbell should not worry, of course. As anyone who has lost a phone knows, you just need to sit back and wait for your close and personal friends to call you and then harvest their numbers.
Although getting the number for Naomi’s beloved Spud U eatery and the Daily Mirror’s offices may require some research…
Posted: 12th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
England Put Wags Out Of Business
THE fallout from England’s failure to quality for Euro 2008 continues to hurt.
And it’s bad for business. Reality has collided with the reality TV show Wags Boutique. What the odds?
As the Sun reports, the show has been “axed” because of England’s on-field failure.
In this show, ten Wags were split into two five-a-side teams and each team given a shop to run for profit. But now the shops have closed.
It is a shocking decision. But then, the show was always mired in controversy, chiefly in the selection policy.
In the white heat of battle, Michaela Henderson-Thynne has separated from her footballer Stewart Downing, and Cassie became known as the former girlfriend of Chelsea’s Michael Essien.
And there was Danielle Lloyd, who appeared as a Wag shopper under the banner “on/off Wag”.
Viewers and pub professors wondered if Wives And Girlfriends extended to ex wives and girlfriends? Were the Wags to be rebranded as Exwags?
Of course, ITV, which broadcast the show, has missed a chance to enliven a moribund summer for football fans. Our advice would have been to put the show out at primetime and for a full 90 minutes.
Like you and the BBC’s cameramen, we searched for the Wags in each and every break in play. This was the chance to remind us what football really is all about…
Posted: 12th, December 2007 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment
