Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Jodie Foster’s Secret Is Out
JODIE Foster is a lesbian.
We can say this without fear of being wrong because in “Hollywood’s worst-kept secret is out” the Mail delivers the facts.
The Mirror announces “JODIE IS OPUIT”, and also believes it to have been “Hollywood’s worst-kept secret”.
Anorak wonders when a “worst kept secret” is no longer a secret. A secret is something that is kept secret. When it is not kept secret it is no longer a secret. You cannot have a secret that is badly kept.
Better perhaps if the tabloids investigated the best-kept secrets, especially that one abut Jordan sleeping on her back…
Posted: 12th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
David Beckham Shocks The Daily Mail Twice
DAVID Beckham decision to move into gay porn and secure the key gay porn market has been met by professional comment.
Today the Mail’s Amanda Platell offers: “Greedy, vulgar, tacky. Beckham is narcissism made flesh… and icon for an age in which fame and fortune is all.”
For purposes of research and record the article is equipped with a half-page picture of Beckham in his under garments.
Posted: 12th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (8)
Goal Power: Germaine Greer On Victoria Beckham
SAYS Germaine Greer: “We had a whole generation of girls who discovered that power was cool because of the Spice Girls.”
The Mail listens in. “My generation wouldn’t have known what power was. They thought it was something you squirted under the rim of the toilet.”
Says Victoria Beckham to CNN’s Larry King, as overheard by the Mirror: “They [the Posh sons] actually put me in goal and they just kick footballs at me.”
Posted: 12th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Scent On: The Smell Of Wayne Rooney
WAYNE Rooney is to offer you the chance to sell like Wayne Rooney.
Girlfriends and significant others can already smell like the fragrant Mrs Rooney, the scented Coleen McLoughlin.
Coleen X boats “a top note of sweet orange with a heart of marine accords and patchouli and a base of vanilla, amber and musk”.
Each morning, a team of odourlogists “press” Coleen’s bedding and trap the resultant tincture in a thimble. Then by a process known as “science” they add this and that to produce the smell that is Coleen.
What Wayne smells of we are uncertain. But can expect top notes of last night kebab and crushed nuts. “Wayne Rooney: Errr” arrives in bottle fashioned on a raised boot stud. Retails at £120,000-a-week, when available…
Posted: 12th, December 2007 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment
The Prince And Myself: Jade Goody Meets Prince Azim Of Brunei
JADE Goody has met with Prince Azim of Brunei. Or make that Jaded Baddy has met with dark-skinned Asian.
Says Ms Goody in the Mail: “I have become quite friendly with the Prince of Brunei. He wanted to meet me, we got on like a house on fire. He gave me a ring and it’s huge, full of diamonds.”
The Mail looks at the ring, wrapped about his Goody’s finger like a strip of foil on a Sunday joint, and estimates its value at £3million.
In return for his, the prince wants to hang out with Jade, a woman to whom he bears an uncanny physical resemblance.
Right now genealogists and hunting for a line that traces Goody to an opulent palace in Brunei, or indeed Azim to a converted barn in rurban Essex.
But what if Azim is meeting Jade for purposes of research, a case of the Prince And I, as Jade teaches the young Eastern royal the ways of the West?
Jade is the epitome of the British way of life, versed in such esoteric arts as curry sauce dispensing, knowing the difference between a “minger” and a “munter” and how to work the word “fuck” into any sentence (“Fuckin’ right, you minger”) or indeed amid a single word (“Poppa-fuckin’-dom”).
Says Prince Azim: “At the end of the day, she’s not up her arse, like them overs, and me and me mates fink she’s O- fuckin’–k…”
Posted: 12th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (7)
Tired And Emotional Alan Davies Reaches Out To Homeless
“JONATHAN Creek chomped my ear,” says the Mirror. “CLASH!” “BITE!”
The truth is little less shocking as reader learn that Alan Davies, who plays Jonathan Creek on the telly, bit into the ear of one Paul McElfatrick, described as “jobless” and “homeless”.
The Mirror looks on and notes that Davies bit the man’s ear for full 13 seconds.
The build up to this celebrity eats man sensation follows hereunder. Mr Davies does all his own stunts.
The Scene: a pavement outside the Groucho club, London
Paul (Jimmy Nail): “Creek, Mr Creek…”
Davies (himself, approaching): “My name’s Alan. You know my name – Alan. What’s my name? It’s Alan.”
Alan – for that is his name – lunges forward and takes hold of Paul’s ear with his teeth.
Paul: “I’ve seen Alan on TV and he seems so mild mannered. He’s a bit of a mummy’s boy really with his sheepish grin and silly jokes. So when I felt his teeth around my ear I couldn’t believe it… You’d think an educated millionaire like him would have more decency.”
Onlooker: “Groucho guest usually know how to behave with more decorum.”
Davies: “I was very upset and emotional”.
And in keeping with Groucho club regulars, one would argue “tired”.
“The last thing I want is another negative story about ‘that obnoxious Jonathan Creek star.”
Indeed. So how about “Tired and Emotional Alan Sticks Tongue In Tramp’s Ear While Researching New Role As Celebrity Spokesman for Shelter”?
Better?
Posted: 11th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (10)
Steve McClaren And The Star’s Plain English
DEEP into the awards season, the Star brings news of the gongs meted out by the Plain English Campaign.
In “MAC: I’VE WON CUP AT LAST!” the Star shows that when it comes to plain speaking it is master, dropping adjectives, pronouns and superfluity in pursuit of plainness.
The Plain Speaking award is for those who have not spoken plainly, so the Star is ruled out.
The top prize goes to former England football manager Steve McClaren (see “bungling England football flop”).
His offerings feature:
* “We’re not as good as we think we are. We needed to go out there and prove that.”
* “He [Wayne Rooney] is inexperienced, but he’s experienced in terms of what he’s been through.”
* “It’s no-win situation for everyone. We knew we had to win, and we did.”
McClaren wins “for putting foot in mouth”, says [the] Star…
Posted: 11th, December 2007 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Jose Mourinho’s (Not) Going To Wembley
OVER the past week or more the Sun has been featuring Jose Mourinho and reporting on his chances of becoming manager of England’s football team.
This was not the Sun dictating selection policy, readers were told, rather the paper of record responding to the fans’ clamour for the petulant Portuguese. It was what we wanted. All of us.
Banish all thoughts that the calls for Jose was being triggered by the Sun’s editorial staff keen to get the man who would give them the best headlines, quotes and fits of pique. The Sun does not tell, it merely shows.
But now: “JOSE: THE DREAM IS OVER.” It’s front-page news. Mourinho is attempting to pull of the trick of turning down the job he was never offered and becoming the best England manger England never had.
That might well be Jose’s dream. But what the Sun dreams of can only be guessed at…
Posted: 11th, December 2007 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Amy Winehouse Is Karl Lagerfeld’s Fashion Line
HAVING heard Amy Winehouse’s mum have a quiet word with her daughter via the pages of the News of the World, it is now the turn to Amy’s father Mitch to speak out.
While “Ma” administers an intravenous “steaming bowl of chicken soup” dad takes a tougher line, as his “cabbie” status demands.
“It’s absolute rubbish to suggest that no one has been in touch with Amy,” says he in the Mirror. “I’ve seen her five times myself last week.”
Mirror readers used to seeing Winehouse every day without fail shake their heads. Seven days in a week, Mitch. Seven beats five.
Says Mitch: “We’re getting sick of the sight of each other, we’re seeing each other that much. Amy is monitored all the time.”
Indeed she is. The Sun monitors Amy as she battles “drug addiction, bulimia and a jailed hubby”.
What’s My Line?
We stare. But what else can be done to help her? We’ve tried the gentle and the strong. What about praise, appealing to the Winehouse ego? Reading on in the Sun, readers note that designer Karl Lagerfeld has claimed Winehouse as his “muse”.
High fashion’s grande dame compares Amy to Sixties sex symbol Bridgette Bardot. Those who have seen Bardot may consider the comparison unflattering and unhelpful.
But keep it to yourself. This is praise, a way to boost Amy’s confidence and negate the need for any narcotic props.
Says Lagerfeld: “She is a beautiful, gifted artist. And I like very much her hairdo.”
That do?
It might be enough. Winehouse may yet make it as a model – if she can only suck in her cheeks and lose some weight…
Posted: 10th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Walk (About) On: Her Majesty The Queen Calms Down
WE live in an age where every high street from Land’s End to John O’Groats looks the same, and the spice of regional difference is lost in the cloying custard of conformity… or something.
Even local accents are under threat, as “Estuary English” has now been noted as far north as Scotland.
So it’s good to learn that there’s one place where you can still hear an old-fashioned Liverpool or London accent. And it won’t surprise you to learn that the place in question is that bastion of tradition, Buckingham Palace.
“SCOUSE OF WINDSOR,” declares the Sun, below a picture of HRH The Queen, with a speech bubble bearing the royal legend: “Calm down, calm down.”
The story relates to an interview (“approved by the palace”) with Angela Kelly. In case that name is unfamiliar, you might know her better by her official title: Personal Assistant, Adviser and Curator to Her Majesty The Queen (Jewellery, Insignias and Wardrobe).
The paper reports that, according to Angela, the Queen is “a dead ringer for a Scouser”. And Angela should know, as she hails from the ‘Pool herself.
“I love the Queen and everything about her,” says the 55-year-old mother of three. “I adore her, then so does everyone.”
We do indeed. But what about this Scouse business?
“The Queen has a wicked sense of humour, and is a great mimic,” reveals Angela.
Well, we all know that – she’s always mimicking that bored-looking woman in a hat. You know, the one with the catchphrase, “And what do you do, then?”
But there’s more…
“She can do all the accents,” says Angela admiringly. “Including mine.”
The paper reminds us that this is “not the first time details of the Queen’s love of mimicking accents has come to light”. A few years ago Princess Michael of Kent told how the Queen “likes to put on a Cockney accent”.
Stalk On
All perfectly splendid, of course, but isn’t there a danger that all this accent-hopping might encourage her loyal subjects to become a trifle over-familiar?
Not as long as Angela is around. The paper reassures us that the personable PA “knows her place”.
“I would never overstep the mark and I remain in awe of the Queen,” she vows.
Angela allows herself a moment of melancholy, as is said to be traditional among Scousers. “If I died tomorrow,” she reflects, “my girls have been trained to make sure that the Queen’s life carries on smoothly without me.”
In the meantime, though, there is much to look forward to. “I hope the Queen and I grow old together,” she says simply.
And so say all of us. The thought of Her Majesty having to master a Polish accent at her advanced age is quite unacceptable.
This royal story is now officially finished, and you may sit down if you wish.
Posted: 10th, December 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (2)
It’s The Most Stressful Morning Of The Year: Official
THAT Daily Telegraph has really brightened up our Monday morning.
But what’s this in the Express?
“Feeling burned out today?” asks the paper. “No wonder, this is the most stressful morning of the year, and that’s official.”
It goes on to cite a survey that has discovered how “stress peaks exactly two weeks before Christmas as a significant number of work, festive and social pressures come to a head”.
Still, why worry about that sort of thing, when the Express has squeezed this story between a huge picture of the new ‘faceless hoodies’ who hide behind zipped-up visors, and a terrifying warning that Britain’s drinking water is contaminated by dangerous chemicals.
All this on Day 221 of THE HUNT FOR MADELEINE.
Forget that about brightening our morning. On second thoughts, we’re going back to bed.
Posted: 10th, December 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Cherie Blair Takes On Mark Wallinger and Gillian Gibbons
“CHERIE BEAR,” says the Mirror, taking a leaf from Anorak’s Big Book Of Teddy Names, created in compliance with the UN Directive On Teddy Bear Naming and the Stuff Sudan movement.
Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear, say your prayers
But there is no picture of a bright-eyed seven-year-old clutching her Cherie Bear. This is a shot of the woman herself, dressed as a teddy.
Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear, show your shoe
Cherie is on her way to London’s Zuma restaurant, not for a Gillian Gibbons benefit lunch but for a light supper with husband Tony (yellow checked trousers, blue duffle coat, marmalade sandwich and white open-necked shirt).
Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear, turn out the lights
It might be Cherie’s dig at the art scene, where Mark Wallinger has won the Turner Prize for, among other accomplishments, walking around in a bearskin.
It is Mr Wallinger himself who tells the Independent: “I think the art boom was driven by Thatcher’s children.”
Teddy bear, Teddy bear, Say good night
Posted: 10th, December 2007 | In: Broadsheets, Politicians, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Anne Darwin Shows A Blonde Ambition
ANNE Darwin looks a little blonder as she appears on the Mirror’s front page. The “CANOE WIFE” of John Darwin seems a brighter version of her formerly grey self.
On the Sun’s cover, (“Canoe come with us to the station”), Anne Darwin is steely grey, her hair one step short of the dandelion bobble so favoured by women of an age.
Anne Darwin is a snowier white on the Mail’s cover page. And grey once more on the cover of the Independent, Guardian and Telegraph.
But the Mirror picture intrigues. Might it be that having broken the Seventh Rule of Tabloid Journalism – No front page should feature a be non-blonde – Anne Darwin is now reverting to type, part of a revamp to best secure herself a claim ‘n’ tell exclusive with a leading tabloid and a spot on Celebrity Big Brother…
Posted: 10th, December 2007 | In: Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comment
Angelina Jolie Sees Las Vegas Man Badly Beaten
A MAN lies on the ground. His face is bruised and bloodied. His eyes shut. He is British. It is Saturday night in Las Vegas.
And the impression is that the City of Sin is a tanned version of Blackpool at chucking out time.
The Mirror looks on. It sees witnesses.
In the “THE FIGHT CLUB” readers see Bruce Willis (“HAT”), Tiger Woods, Sly Stallone, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and David Beckham.
Did they see anything?
“For he’s a Jolie good fellow”, says the Sun’s headline. It’s today’s Angelina Jolie story.
“You are a hero,” says Jolie to the man who lies prone of the floor. “She is a mere 20ft from the spot where the Briton lies.” So too is Brad Pitt, as aforementioned.
Says a source: “He crashed down right in front of them and Angelina grimaced… She seemed genuinely affected by what she’d seen…”
The stricken Briton’s mother, identified as Carole, sips neat vodka she’s poured into a water bottle. She is anxious.
Finally, the man comes to. “What the f***** hell happened?” he asks.
Why, you’ve just met Angelina Jolie. And don’t worry that you can’t remember the moment – the Sun and Mirror have plenty of pictures…
Posted: 10th, December 2007 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Amy Winehouse’s Mum Writes Her A Letter And Posts It In The Tabloids
AMY Winehouse. Can you hear me, it’s mum?
“Dear Amy,
“I HOPE you understand why I’m writing this. We have spoken recently but many people will wonder why I haven’t run down to whatever hotel you’re staying in, scooped you up and taken you home for a hot bath and a steaming bowl of chicken soup.”
Is this beyond paropdy? The full letter, as delivered via the News of the World:
It’s because your father and I know what you’re like, Amy.
We want to help you, but we know that unless you want to be helped— unless you come to us—anything we tried would be in vain.
So this letter is my way of making sure that you know that—that all you have to do is come to us, Amy, and we’ll do everything in our power to get you well again.
After all, you are still my baby and you always will be.
I pile hope upon hope that you will make that decision, Amy, and your strong will can bend for just a moment to make that decision and come home to me.
StrongEven when you were only a rosy-cheeked five-year-old singing into a hairbrush in front of the mirror, you had a will as stubborn as a mule. Do you remember?
We couldn’t ever get you to see things from any angle other than your own. You could swear day was night and Heaven help anyone who tried to disagree.
You were never a wayward daughter but you always had a strong will and a mind of your own—qualities your father and I were so proud of.
You were well brought up, you had a keen sense of right from wrong and you understood the values we always impressed on you as a family.
But you would never be pressurised or influenced into doing something if your heart wasn’t in it.
I know there’s no point in me ringing you, fussing over you or ordering you to do something. I need you to take that first step, darling. I need you to call me, to pick up that phone and tell me what’s troubling you.
Your father and I would like nothing more—wherever you are, whatever you need, we’re here for you day and night. I hope you know that. We were terrified after we saw those pictures of you earlier this week, wandering the freezing streets of London at dawn in your underwear. All I wanted to do was rush into those pictures and wrap you up in a big, warm blanket.
Do you remember those Decembers long ago when I used to swaddle you in a thick winter coat? I used to wrap you up and give you a kiss on the nose before you went out to play in the cold.
“Don’t worry about me Ma, I’ll be fine!” you used to laugh. But, like any mother, of course I worried. Just as I’m worrying now.
Because I know that however big, grown-up and successful my Amy gets, she still needs the love of her Ma.
Do you remember on January 14 this year, when your album got to number one? Do you remember how overjoyed your father and I both were? We shed tears of joy for you that night.
And not just because we were delighted for your success, that you had finally fulfilled that childhood dream of singing your heart out in front of millions. But also because finally, the whole country thought our little girl was just as special as we knew you were.
Some wonderful things have happened since that night, darling, but also some not so wonderful. Blake, your husband, might not be my favourite person—you know that, Amy—but he’s your choice and I would never say anything about him to hurt you.
When I was quoted recently as saying “Thank God Blake’s inside” what I meant was that putting him in jail might help him to clean up HIS act and change HIS life.
It wasn’t said out of viciousness or to upset you. If your relationship is meant to be, it will survive.
I’m a great believer that everything in life happens for a reason, a purpose. And if you two are destined to be together forever, then so be it.
Click here for more pics of AmyBut I want you to love Blake for who he is, Amy. Not because you feel sorry for him, or because he can get you doped up. Not for any other reason than that you have respect for him.
I completely understand and sympathise with how you feel heartbroken over your separation and I’d do anything to help you end that unhappiness.
No mother likes to see her child suffering like that.
Having to cancel your tour, as well, has been very sad. But I know it’s happened for the best.
Despite disappointing all of your fans, who I know you treasure so much, maybe it will pull you up and make you stop and think and take stock of where your life is going.
I pray it does. I hope it makes you realise that although you might be a superstar, you’re not superwoman.
Early fame has overwhelmed you, it’s dizzied you and muddled your mind. For a moment, forget you’re a superstar. You’re also young and vulnerable. Remember you’re just an ordinary human being, no stronger than any of the rest of us. You think you’re strong enough to get through this on your own, darling, but you’re not.
I want you back, and I’ll make you fitter and stronger. I’d like nothing better than to have you home and help you put on a bit of weight with some wholesome home cooking.
You’re at your happiest in family situations, I remember. It’s part of that strong Jewish tradition you were raised in. Remember how you spent time with my sister before the gig in Newcastle the other week? You felt comfortable and at ease. That’s how I know family is important to you.
DestinyBut I can’t force you to do something you don’t want to. You have to want it to happen darling, you have to ask for it.
Me and your father, and your brother Alex all want you to be happy and quickly restored to full health. For the moment, that’s all of our priorities.
We are concerned, but we’re not panicking. You’ve got to see things in your own time and I’m sure you will.
You are a brilliant talent, of course, and if you get yourself well, you’ll be able to go on and fulfil your destiny.
You’re a true professional who thrives on work and you need to get back into that routine.
We know you don’t want to let your fans down. We know how important they are to you and how once you’re over this present setback you’ll give them a show they’ll never forget.
You know I’m an optimist, and that I think, with our help, you will get back on top of things.
But I know you must come to me first for that to happen.
I just hope that, because of this letter, you do. Pick up the phone.
All my love, Ma
Amy Winehouse does not live with her parents and has been known to take drugs…
Posted: 9th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (9)
Marc Bannerman’s How To Celebroty Guide, Free With The News Of The World
“MARC Bannerman’s hooker and cocaine shame,” announces the News of the World.
It’s all to be expected. Celebrities appear on reality TV to show the world the real them. They will then enlarge upon the real them in Celebrities On Ice, Celebrity Ski School, autobiographies and supermarket openings, become the face of a charity and front an eponymous chatshow.
But they find reality occurs after the event, in tabloid headlines and pantomime costumes.
Today we get this on former EastEnders actor Marc Bannerman, as told by prostitute Shann Fallon (32C-24-35): “Marc apologised and told me he’d taken too much coke. I unzipped his trousers and massaged him but still it showed no signs of life.
“In the end we went back to just cuddling…and doing more drugs.”
As ever with cocaine sensations, the tabloid press offers condemnation and a handy How To guide. For those of you unaware how much cocaine makes up a line, the NOTW offers: “And Marc took a LOT of cocaine. He got himself quite a reputation for it and got the nickname of Double Barrel Bannerman by showing off his party trick—sniffing a whole gram in one go.
“Whereas most people would split a gram into 12 lines he’d cut it up into two big ones. Then he’d put a drinking straw up either nostril and snort both lines at the same time.”
This information is augmented by the news that Ms Fallon “demands £120 an hour”.
Graduates of stage schools should take notes…
Posted: 9th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (13)
John Darwin And Anne Darwin Want To Be Seen
FOR the first time since the Queen Mother died, a non-blonde hogs the front-page headlines: Anne Darwin is everywhere.
(The only blonde on a newspaper’s front page, apart from the Star’s ubiquitous picture of Madeleine McCann, is the Scotsman’s lead image of tsunami-haired Donald Trump. And then the blonde is closer to the hue of irradiated instant custard.)
Grey John Darwin and his greyer wife Anne illustrate the Sun’s front-page headline: “The liar, the witch and the wardrobe – HE LIVED NEXT DOOR AND CREPT THROUGH HOLE IN WALL.”
A “Liar”? Indeed. As the Mail announces on its cover “I CONFESS”, Anne Darwin tells all about the plot that saw her husband fake his death.
In “WHY WE DID IT”, “CANOE WIFE” Anne Darwin tells Mirror readers all.
Eleven moths after John set out in his canoe, Anne opens the door: “I didn’t even recognise him at first. He had a beard and looked dirty – like he had been living rough. He was so thin and he smelt dreadful. His hair looked like he had probably cut it himself with scissors.
“When he went out he would disguise himself sometimes by taking a walking stick and walking with a limp. When it was cold, he would put on a wooly [sic] hat and pull his collar upwards. But during the summer he could barely get out”
Mr Darwin is a middle-aged man. Were he younger and blonder, chances are the tabloid press would have long ago embarked on a campaign to have him found.
The Express’s “Dear John…” campaign would have seen celebrities writing letters to the missing man, pleas to anyone who had taken him.
But John Darwin is balding and grey. He is in the hearing-aid beige years. He is invisible, and thus someone entirely suited to pretending he was dead for five years.
It is odd that he felt any need to disguise himself, and that Anne Darwin didn’t just move to London and get lost in the crowds, or else relocate to Hove or any other of God’s waiting rooms.
Instead he wears a disguise. He pulls his collar up, in a style beloved by Teddy Boys. And then in a bid not to be seen and be invisible English John and Anne move to Panama.
Anyone might suppose they wanted to be caught out, and were just desperate to be noticed…
John Darwin: The story so far – More here, here, here , here and here
Posted: 8th, December 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)
Jordan Intruder Makes Katie Price Shake
“JORDAN STALKER TERROR,” says the Star.
How you read that headline is most likely dependent on how you view Jordan: with horror or a deep yearning. Is the stalker or Jordan being terrorised?
The news is that “busty” Katie Price is “still shaking with fright after a stalker tried to track her down to her bedroom”.
This is, then, not Jordan talking – that in-your-face face of Katie Andre/Price – but the real Katie Andre/Price, the person behind Jordan.
The fake Jordan may look like she has any number of men in her room of an evening, but the real Katie is quite different.
And she is scared. Rally scared. It seems that a man has gotten into the hotel room of her assistant. Says Katie to OK! magazine: “She woke up and she could smell cigarette smoke.
“She called out but he didn’t say anything so she called down to reception but the line went dead… They reckon somehow he knew I would have been in the room which is quite freaky.”
How the intruder knew this can, for now, only be guessed at. Celebrities are wont to use pseudonyms when staying in hotels. It is thought that to avoid being recognised most sign in as ‘Anthea Turner’, ‘Ross Kemp’ or ‘Laurence Llewelyn Bowen’.
Of course, Jordan already has a nom-de-celebrity and may have inadvertently mixed up Jordan, Katie Andre and Katie Price with her real Pollyanna…
Posted: 7th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Amy Winehouse Nose
THE Star (“Amy Winenose”), Mirror (“WINE & NOSES”), and the Sun (“AMY POWDERS HER NOSE”) all lead with news of the inner happenings of Amy Winehouse’s nose.
It is not known what drug Ms Winehouse is on, if indeed she is on anything, but whatever it is it is working wonders for her career. Max Clifford may care to proscribe it to his bevy of talent.
Posted: 7th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Daily Mail’s Paul Dacre And Faye Dunaway: A Study
CONTINUING the Daily Mail’s “Old Women – Why Do They Stare?!” series of exposes, readers are invited to look at Faye Dunaway’s face (“film star looks”) and then study her hands (“hands don’t match her seemingly youthful face”).
Spot the difference?
Might it be that Dunaway has had some kind of procedure to make her hands look older and so add gravitas to her acting roles?
The Mail says the “veins and sinews” betray Dunaway’s age. The suggestion is that had she not had her mouth veneered and, perhaps, some nip ‘n’ tuck, that leather bag between her fingers could double for her face. Should she toss her keys into it or just open her mouth.
The effects of the living beneath the Los Angeles sun cannot be overstated.
Daily Mail Male
In light of this, Anorak’s friend 14 has produced a study of a Daily Mail body exclusive.
I know gossip reporting is not typically rooted in kindness and compassion – and without tabloids and blogger gossip, I wouldn’t have much subject matter to inspire my illustrations and parodies here on GOTA.
That being said, Holy Candy and I decided it was high time to collaborate on a Daily Mail parody. The UK’s second largest daily newspaper, the Daily Mail has increasingly turned their focus toward conjuring up fear and disgust over the natural process of ageing.
Unfortunately, this fear is focused mainly on women. Ageing men featured in the newspaper are fawned over, celebrated, and praised for looking so “natural”.
Women, on the other hand, are scorned for having veiny hands, wrinkles, cellulite and jowls. Often, a zoomed-in photo of the guilty body part is featured and Photoshop-enhanced to make it look even worse.
Holy Candy and I decided to see what would happen if Paul Dacre, editor of the Daily Mail, was placed under the same scrutiny as the female subjects featured in his newspaper. Just look at his deeply etched crow’s feet. The marches of time have not been kind to his age-ravaged face. His veiny hands and pendulous pot belly reveal his true age, and his thinning wisps of grey hair and crooked yellow teeth are sure signs that Father Time is gaining on him. You would think with all that money he makes off bashing older women, he’d be able to afford hair replacement, botox, dental work, and liposuction. medium: photoshop. graphic assembled by 14, text written by Candy Kirby.
Posted: 7th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)
Madonna Looks To Adopt Her Little Princess
WITH little David Banda Twist established in the London home of New Age Jew Madonna, the feelers are out for a sister.
“Please can I have some more?” says Madonna, the Sun reporting that she has instructed her aides to search Malawi for an orphan girl.
A shortlist of nine children has been drawn up. Madonna wants to maximise her chances of bringing a child home.
The Sun says the singer was “devastated” when the family of 20-month-old Mercy James blocked her application for adoption. Said her uncle Peter Banet: “I’d rather be struggling with Mercy than for her to live with a big white star far away.”
And then there was Grace, whose family objected.
Now Madonna is on the look out one more. “She has reportedly told staff: “Don’t rest until you’ve found my princess.”
Fare thee well, but be back soon…
Posted: 7th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Status Quo Rocker Expecting Twins
HEADLINE of the day in the Daily Mirror: “QUO Rick to have twins..aged 59”
Old rockers never die, they just get older looking groupies…
Posted: 7th, December 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)
John Darwin Appears Like Kate Moss
WHEN the Mirror spotted John Darwin’s ghost stood beside his wife Anne in the offices of a Panama estate agency the paper added a new folder to its photojournalism legacy.
It was the Mirror that brought us pictures of Cocaine Kate Moss, looking on as the model arranged “a fat line of cocaine”.
It has yet to proven whether Moss was using drugs or chopping some other substance. The Mirror was bold. But mistakes can be made.
In 2004, the Mirror was a victim of “a calculated and malicious hoax” (its words) when it published faked photographs of British soldiers supposedly torturing Iraqi prisoners – in one picture a soldier was seen urinating on a hooded man while in another the hooded man is being hit with a rifle in the groin.
How would the Mirror view Anne Darwin’s holiday snaps? Was it John Darwin beside his wife, a lookalike, a ghost or a fake?
The answer is quick in coming. And in “MY LIES”, Anne Darwin tells the world: “I have been living my life as a lie, constantly looking over my shoulder.”
We too have looked over Anne’s shoulder, and seen her dead husband. He’s called John Jones, at least that’s the name on the passport he used after he ‘died’ in 2002.
“What sort of mother am I?” asks Anne Darwin. Sons Mark and Anthony have disowned her, “publicly”, says the Mail’s front page. “Who can blame them?” Anne Darwin asks. “I lied to them, my own sons. They’re totally innocent. They knew nothing. They thought their father was dead.”
And the plot: “Well, it as John’s decision but I went along with it.” He had been living in Panama and waiting for his wife to join him there.
Elsewhere, amid five pages of coverage, the Mirror tells of the “RIDDLE OF BROTHERS IN HIDING”. Mark Darwin is said to have cleared his London flat, made a “hurried” visit to his brother’s home and left “coded directions to his girlfriend to get to an airport”.
“Sons’ anguish as one of them does a ‘moonlit flit’,” says the Mail.
Meanwhile, the Express has news of what is says is John Darwin. He’s in the back of a car on his way to Redcar police station. Only, we cannot be sure it’s him. “The man at the centre of the mystery and the paper at the centre of unravelling it,” says the Express. “His head is secreted beneath a copy of the Daily Express,” says the Daily Express.
But is it him? Or is it John Darwin? John Jones? Kate Moss? Lord Lucan? The possibilities are endless…
John Darwin: The story so far – More here, here, here and here
Posted: 7th, December 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (14)
At Home With The Chris Tarrants
CONTINUING Anorak’s looks at tabloid events, stories and happenings that could be over by Christmas…
IN “Tarrants go to war over who sees the children at Christmas”, the Mail says “Chris Tarrant’s long-running divorce from wife Ingrid has slipped further into acrimony after a row over who should be allowed to see their children over Christmas.”
To give Mail readers an idea of what either Ingrid or Chris will miss, the paper broadcasts a picture of the Tarrant family in happier times.
For purposes undisclosed, Ingrid Tarrant is seen cradling a live rabbit in her hands. One family member wears a hat with the letter “C” embroidered on the front. It might be show of solidarity to her father, or not.
As or the divorce, the Mail says talks are progressing at a “glacial pace”, which given the tone of global warming stories may be very fast indeed.
It could all be over by Christmas…
Jeremy Clarkson Cannot Apologise For Society, Nor The Media
WHEN something happens to you, the media may learn of your incident via a court report, a police statement or a late night telephone call to a DJ called Robbie or Johnny on Radio Wiltshire Magic.
When something happens to an image-centric member of the established media it turns into a feature, an anecdote to be oft repeated on the after dinner speaking circuit. It becomes an emblem for our times.
So here’s Jeremy Clarkson, the BBC presenter and Sun columnist, telling Sun readers about his trip to the bad lands of Milton Keynes, in the Home Counties. It is the occasion of his youngest daughter’s birthday and she wants to visit the town’s snow dome.
A smoking ban means Clarkson has to stop outside to indulge his prohibited habit. And that’s when he is approached by a “swarm of children”. They pester him. And “figuring that attack was probably the best form of defence, I grabbed the ringleader by the hoodie, lifted him off the ground and explained it’d be best if he went back to his tenement.”
And that’s when it happened: “I was holding the boy by the scruff of the neck, and instead of worrying about being stabbed I was actually thinking: ‘Jesus, I’m going to get done for assault if I’m not careful.”
Clarkson is now, as the Mail reports, at the centre of police investigation. He was not stabbed. He was not punched, kicked, spat on, happy-slapped or strafed by a sub-automatic machine gun of the type he would equip teachers with.
The hoodies pulled out mobile phones and began taking pictures of the celebrity getting acquainted with their mate. Should such images turn up on YouTube or in Heat magazine, would Clarkson look good?
These hoodies are paparazzi-in-traning. The story is as much about Clarkson entering their world and them entering his.
But we have heard the tale, and are now able to place the celebrity’s actions in context. It’s not his fault he manhandled a child. It’s bad housing. It’s the “thick” parents. It’s the “frizzy-haired human rights lawyer” bullying the poor teacher. It’s the Government – “We can’t rely on police – not without picking every single thing done by new Labour in the past ten years.”
We learn that his was no isolated act, a playground spat between a TV star six-feet-five inches tall and a bunch of lippy children in a provincial town. This is society’s ills at large in microcosm.
Clarkson will not apologise. Not when the faulty so clearly lies elsewhere…
Posted: 6th, December 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (10)
