Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Santa Clause Is A Sex Mad Drug Addict
THE two girls giving the Daily Star’s Santa CLaus something to rest his head upon may have long lusted for snowy-haired men.
Ever since gansta rappers introduced us to an alternative meaning of the word “ho”, the newspapers have been looking at Santa with a questioning eye. Is his traditional “Yo ho-ho” less a jolly cry than a spout of name calling or a prelude to a bout of kerb crawling?
Much may depend on how “Yo ho ho” is said. Is it a cheery “Yo-ho-ho”, a lively “Yo…ho-ho” or an attention demanding “Yo! Ho! Ho!”?
While that heated debate rages, we learn that Santa might be after more than a kiss from mummy and a mince pie. As the Star reports: “SEX-MAD SANTA ALWAYS BLOTTO.”
Readers may expert to hear a salacious and seasonal tale of a shopping mall Santa Claus getting drunk and powering his sleigh-like wheelchair into the Marks and Spencer lingerie section.
The actual news is no less of a shocker as Swedish university professor Jeffrey Valance tells us that the real Santa would feed his reindeer magic mushrooms and then drink their urine to hallucinate. He would then powder their horns into a “home-made Viagra”.
Says Professor Valance: “He was depicted as horned with a prominent penis and wielding a club, and was the personification of lust and debauchery.”
In light of this discovery, Old Mr Anorak has reordered his Christmas Suit and in a nod to authenticity and “doing it right” will be enacting the life and times of Santa Clause in the Anorak Dungeon for the full twelve days.
Yo. Ho. Ho…
Posted: 6th, December 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (8)
Lorraine Kelly’s GMTV Features
NEWS on the Express’s cover page that “TV Lorraine just refuses to cover up.”
The picture is of GMTV presenter Lorraine Kelly showing some cleavage. Anorak readers may find Kelly easy to miss, sandwiched as she is between GMTV’s hairdresser news bulletins and Jeremy Kyle. But no more. She also appears as the Sun’s “LORRAINE SWELLY.”
June Keaton, “the Queen’s lingerie fitter”, also finds Kelly. She appraises the Kelly bosom and spots breasts looking as if “they were talking to each other”.
Maybe they are. Looking on while Lorraine talks with astrologer Russell Grant and GMTV’s resident nice boy Ben Shephard invites many viewers to make their own entertainment.
Says Kelly: “I think they’re not too bad at all. I inherited them from my mum and they’re still perky and doing their job well.”
Second-hand breasts… It’s a GMTV feature we’re been waiting for…
Posted: 6th, December 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (4)
Are Chimps Cleverer Than Daily Mail Readers?
“THE disturbing question posed by the news that apes beat humans in some IQ tests – So are chimps cleverer than us?”
So asks the Mail of its . The paper then tells us: “Chimps moisten sticks to ‘fish’ for termites.
Question asked. Question answered…
Posted: 6th, December 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (9)
Papers Served On John Darwin And Panama Anne
JOHN Darwin is back from the dead. And we are invited to see the moment the Mirror tells “canoe wife..THE GAME IS UP”.
“Kids will kill me,” says the teaser, suggesting that if a plot does not succeed first time, the truly intrepid will try again. Whether any insurance company will be willing to underwrite Mrs Anne Darwin’s demise is uncertain.
And then getting her two sons, Mark and Anthony (“Et Tu, Mama”) to be party to her death is problematic, especially if they are no longer talking to her. As the Mail says: “My sons will never forgive me. They are going to hate me.” Anne Darwin says her boys never knew of their father’s survival. Even if the Express say the boys had given up their jobs in the past few months.
But the family has released a statement: “We hope the media will now give us privacy so we can come to terms with the news.” A dead man return to life. Miracles can happen. But not often.
And in the Mirror, Anne Darwin is “fighting tears as she faced the wreckage of her dreams and the threat of jail”. Anne was “reeling after we showed her the Mirror’s exclusive picture of her with Darwin in Panama”. The shot was taken in July last year when John Darwin was legally dead.
It was the Mirror that broke the news to Anne Darwin. Or was it the Mail, which says on its front page: “How the canoe man’s wife reacted when the Mail showed her this photo of them together in Panama last year.”
Resisting the urge to say “Seen it”, Anne Darwin holds her face in her hands. The Mail’s expose runs to five pages. The Express has six pages (“Panama, the destination of choice for Nazis and crooks”.) The Sun can only run to three pages, but it does come up with the better headline: “They’re up the creek without a paddle.”
And anything but sinking without trace…
Posted: 6th, December 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (18)
Amy Winehouse And Pete Doherty Are The Ones That We Want
LISTEN out pop fans for Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty’s version of Arthur Mullard and Hylda Baker’s hit “You’re The One That I Want” (originally from the movie Grease).
Readers of a vintage will recall that at the height of Mullard Mania, the pair duetted on the BBC’s Top Of The Pops music show.
On the cue “Psst… you’re on!” Mullard and Baker fluffed the lyrics and seemed confused as to what was happening.
In such fashion Mullard and Baker managed to bring to the fore the style of performance that now Doherty and Winehouse seek to make their own.
As the Sun says, Doherty has popped over to Winehouse’s home for what the Mirror calls a “sing-song”.
For a taste of what we expect, take a look at the originators at work in this video…
If you know the words, sing along. If you don’t’, grab a guitar, finger your scarf and pretend your Pete and Amy…
Posted: 5th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Gillian Gibbons: Positions Vacant
GILLIAN Gibbons is back home in the UK. The fate of Teddy Mohammed is unknown.
It is with profound regret that the Daily Express chose to ask its readers “Is it right for this British woman to be whipped?” and not enquire as to their feelings of the teddy, surely the real victim in this sorry tale.
“It is a very difficult and delicate area,” says Gillian in the Mirror.
Lord Ahmed, who helped secure Ms Gibbons release notes: “After all she had been through, she wanted to stay in Sudan and go back to teach at the school. That’s the kid of woman she is.”
What kind of woman she is is something Daily Express readers may like to vote on.
As for Gibbons, she says: “The Sudanese people I found to be extremely kind and generous and until this happened I only had a good experience. I wouldn’t like it to put anybody off going to Sudan – in fact I know of a lovely school that needs a new Year 2 teacher.”
And a teddy bear.
Teddy… Go
Meanwhile the peoples of Peterborough are making a stand, showing solidarity with Gillian Gibbons. As the Express reports, Mohammed is now the most popular name in that fair city, ahead of Edward, Rupert and Barnaby…
Posted: 5th, December 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)
Nigella Lawson’s Pig Lard Or Goose Lard
Sir, It is all well and good to build up a celebrity only for the rug to be whipped away at the apogee of achievement – I refer, of course, to the VIP’s appearance on Deal Or No Deal Celebrity Box – but the Express’ picture of Nigella Lawson beside the headline “Pig lard v goose fat” is too much…
Yours, Fanny Craddock (Mr)
Posted: 5th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Police Arrest John Darwin: ‘Widow’ Speaks From El Dorado:
ONE thing lacking from the story of John Darwin, the canoeist who paddled back from the dead, is his being mistaken for wayward peer Lord Lucan.
It is the way of all disappearances that the vanished British male should walk into a bank in some place other than Britain and be sized up against the missing peer.
However, the only thing Darwin was mistaken for was a corpse. And that includes by the credit card companies that, as the Star reports, six times denied his application for service. Given his billing as a canoeist, there may be irony in Darwin being denied a Goldfish credit card.
His wife Anne seems to see some humour in the story. In the Daily Mirror’s front-page “EXCLUSIVE – SECRET LIFE OF MR CANOE”, Anne Darwin smiles for the cameras and says: “I can’t believe he’s back from the dead after five years.”
It’s the same exclusive on the Mail’s front page, where Anne Darwin’s picture illustrates the headline: “The Mail tracks down lost canoeist wife to Panama, where she insists: I thought he was dead (but I won’t be rushing back to see him) – YES, I DID POCKET THE LIFE INSURANCE”.
It’s some piece of investigative journalism, as one hack follows the other to Panama and looks up the name “Anne Darwin”.
And there’s more stealthy work in the Sun, which declares on its front page: “COPS KNEW HE WAS ALIVE.”
Inside (“PADDLE DO NICELY – Canoe wife’s £60k new life in Panama”), the Sun says Anne Darwin bought a penthouse in Panama for £40,000 “in CASH”. The Express notes that the flat is in an area of Panama City known as El Dorado.
Readers are advised to sit tight. Panama might be untouched by the property boom and budget flights, but the real story is that Anne Darwin also has a new Toyota Land Cruiser 4×4…
Just like the vehicle Reginald Perrin (see all papers) famously drove into the sea…
A man who turned up five years after he was feared drowned was being questioned by police as it emerged that a photo was apparently taken of him and his wife last year.
STOP PRESS: Cleveland Police said a 57-year-old man had been arrested in relation to their investigation into the disappearance of John Darwin. “He buried himself under a dark coloured jacket as he was bundled into a police car and sped away.”
As the Syndey Morning Herald notes: “Police had arrived at the house about half-an-hour earlier, knocked on the front door and called through the letter-box: ‘Mr Darwin, we need to speak to you’.”
Picture: Anne and the ghost of John Darwin said to be in the offices of a Panama estate agency in 2006…
Posted: 5th, December 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (15)
Jade Goody: Bono And Me
JADE Goody’s re-entry into celebrity society requires careful planning. She can either: a) marry an Indian; b) eat an Indian; c) return to the tried-and-tested Jade Goody brand and be thick.
So here’s Jade in a Dublin bar. A man approaches. “Hi Jade, how are you?” he asks. The Sun listens in. “I didn’t know who he was,” says Jade. “I knew he did loads for Live Aid, but that’s all.”
It was Bono, Mr G9. He’s Irish, like Bob Geldof, who did loads for Live Aid. Another Irishman approaches. It’s Westlife’s pocket popstar Shane Filan. “He told me they stick up for me,” says Jade.
“I thanked him in my best Irish accent. He wasn’t impressed.”
Never mind, Jade. It’s not your fault that all Irishman look the same, and we’re sure Paddy O’Poppadom won’t even understand…
Posted: 5th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Amy Winehouse: A Moving Tribute
“AS a junkie Amy deserves scorn,” says the Mail’s front-page teaser, words illustrated by picture of Amy Winehouse in a red bra, “but surely someone can help this infuriatingly talented singer?”
Mail readers may like to volunteer their services. So too the paper’s writers: “I’m no snob but Amy Winehouse is from the gutter and might be flogged in Sudan,” (Max Hastings); “Pop’s guttering cynosure Winehouse needs more fatty oats” (Quentin Letts); and “Aimless Winehouse is going to hell in a handcart and she’s taking the rest of us with her”.
One thing Winehouse needs no help with is keeping her profile raised. In the Mirror, readers hear from Georgette Fielder-Civil, Winehouse’s mother-in-law. Says Georgette: “She is using more cocaine and heroin. She needs professional help.” Georgette reaching out to Amy via the pages of Closer magazine, “Number 1 for Rehab News”.
“Amy Move-house,” says the Sun, noting that Winehouse has “fled” her home in Camden, London, to move into new home in Bow, London.
This is a big move for Winehouse. And it may well have been the kind of thing a Mail reader advises. It could just be the short, sharp shock she needs…
Posted: 4th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (7)
Eat Less Fruit And Veg To Keep Prices Down
“FRUIT AND VEG PRICES UP 23%,” says the Express on its front page. “And shooting up higher as demand outgrows supply.”
Readers have it confirmed that the cost of a punnet of cherry tomatoes rose by a third between October and November.
The consumer advice is to stock up to cherry tomatoes before it is too late. And not to panic…
Global Warming, Hedgehogs And Jordan
A PICTURE in the Express of a hedgehog with one foot wrapped in a green bandage. Thanks to the long summer and warm autumns, hedgehogs have been born later and are right now out looking for food when they should be hibernating. And that means more “consequences”.
But there is hope for hedgehogs. And Anorak turns back the clock to May 2006:
JORDAN IN HEDGEHOG HORROR SHAME
JORDAN was last night relieved of her duties as a roving ambassador for the Spiny Friends Hedgehog Hospital. Since undergoing treatment for alcohol and fame addiction, the voluptuous model has thrown herself into her charity role. On this occasion, however, she threw herself too hard.
Jordan recently split from her latest boyfriend, Fisher Athletic goalkeeper Jason Pike, and sources in her favourite eatery, the Café Classique kebab house in Uxbridge, say that that they have seen her drunk and unsteady in recent weeks. She seems to have been the worse for drink yesterday while opening a new hedgehog counselling centre – a project close to her heart, which helps hedgehogs overcome feelings of low esteem, often brought on alcohol and drug abuse.
After posing for pictures, Jordan became annoyed by photographers who jokingly asked her to fall over. Eventually she snapped and lunged at one of them – falling over in the process and squashing Henry, a six-year old hedgehog with a long-term eating disorder. Henry was retrieved from the celebrity’s cleavage but was put down soon afterwards.
A tearful Jordan was seen leaving the sanctuary in a cab.
A spokesman for Spiny Friends said that Jordan’s involvement with the hospital had reached the end of its natural life, and thanked her for her work.
Posted: 4th, December 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Spice Girls Give It Whirl Power
The Spice Girls reform before our eyes…
IT is a credit to this nation that a middle-aged single mum with ginger hair, wearing the kind of Union Flag outfit rarely seen beyond the confines of a provincial shopping precinct at chucking out time can make it to the Mirror’s front page.
So too the front page of the Telegraph. “Is this really what we want?” asks the Telegraph (“BRITAIN’S BEST-SELLING QUALITY DAILY”)”. We might not want it, or really want it, but we are all inclusive and embrace each sexual orientation, style of dress or hair colour.
Stick a teddy bear in a Union Jack hat and call it Anthea if you must – we might not like it but we will defend your right to do it.
“All the glam..all the goss ..and how they all rated,” says the Mirror beneath a shot of Geri Halliwell (for it is she). Geri is giving full throat to her New Age, New Labour mantra: “Smiling, dancing, everything is free. All you need is positivity.”
On the Sun’s cover, a slight dig at the Spice Girls: “They’re back..and bigger than ever.” This headline comes with no picture of Scary’s buttocks or Spice fans but of Victoria Beckham’s breasts, which serve to remind her new legion of young fans to eat more fruit.
“GIRDLE POWER,” say the Sun. “Gang older and bolder.” The Mail turns its blonde head to us, narrows its eyes and whispers: “Old spice,.. What a difference ten years, diets, babies (oh, and cosmetic surgery have made to Posh & Co).”
But you can’t run back the clock. And we read that with age comes maturity and self-awareness – Her Poshness is the only Spice Girl not to perform a solo…
Posted: 4th, December 2007 | In: Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comments (5)
Prince Harry Stops Smoking And Seeks New Job
ON the sober field of beige that is the Royal Family, stands Prince Harry, the flame-haired champion of drinking (hoorah!), puffing (hooray!) and groping (he’s behind you!).But now comes news in the Mirror that Harry Baseball Cap has given up the evil weed (that one too, we’d wager). News is that Harry, a 20-a-day man in the prime, has stopped smoking.
It could be argued that with Harry’s hands employed twirling his smoke, they are less likely to cause him to problems.
Indeed, had only his father Charles spent his idle moments smoking he might have embarked on hobbies more enduring and edifying than befriending begonias and being fascinated by tampons.
Now Prince Harry is a non-smoker. No, it’s worse than that – he’s a reformed smoker. As the Mirror says: “Now he’s said to have conquered his addiction, Harry’s next job will be to work on his South African girlfriend – Chelsy Davy, 22, who is known to be fiond of a crafty drag.”
Of almost girlfriend. The Mail says Harry is “desperate to win her back”.
And keen to do something with his hands…
Posted: 3rd, December 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (2)
When Al Gore Meets Jon Bon Jovi
“JON Bon Jovi has spent two hours with ex-us vice-president Al Gore, fuelling speculation he is planning to run for political office.”
So says the Mirror.
With Sean Penn trumpeting Hugo Chavez, Bono billed a Mr “G9” and Gordon Brown using the Arctic Monkeys to validate his politics, pop stars hold sway over our lives.
They are the establishment, the grandees to whom we kowtow and on whose every word we hang.
So right it is that Al Gore should consult with Jon ‘Livin’ On A Prayer’ Bon Jovi to see if he should go for it.
Unless Bon Jovi’s standing for office? But that would be one hell of a come down…
Posted: 3rd, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)
Jungle Survivor Janice Dickinson Wants To Eat Dec Up
FRESH from the celebrity jungle, Nip ‘n’ Bush Tucker stalwart Janice Dickinson tells Sun readers: “Dec is so hot. I want to put him a thong and play wild games with him. Grrowl!”
Dec is, of course, one smallish part of Ant ‘n’ Dec (although which is uncertain), who host I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here.
Considering the dimensions of Dec – did Janice say a sarcastic Grrow or Grrowl? -and the size of Dickinson’s toothsome maw, there is a real danger that the jungle could have a cannibalistic element.
Forget the cockroaches and the kangaroo’s gonads, Janice is going to chew up Dec and, very possibly, spit him out.
As such we urge readers to be on the look out for celebrities who have shared the jungle clearing with Dickinson, namely: Bannerman (Marc), Brown (Jason), Franks (Lynne), Hopkins (Katie), Race (John Barton) and many, many more…
We fear we shall never see them again…
Posted: 3rd, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Shoeless Amy Winehouse Shows Her Respect For Victoria Beckham
“POSH: I WANT YOU TO FAINT!” says the Star, words hung above a picture of Victoria Beckham applying mascara, to her eyes.
The Spice Girls, of which Vicky is one fifth, or perhaps a seventh if you approach from alternative angles, have launched their reunion tour, as all old bands must.
And here is Victoria calling on us to faint. She is at Vancouver airport. She sees the fans. Says Victoria: “They were in tears, I always like that. I think it shows you are a true fan when you cry or pass out.”
We feel a tear brewing in the corner of one eye. But our meltdown is delayed by the sight of a shoeless Amy Winehouse in her bra and jeans wandering the London streets.
This is the Sun’s front page “Amy’s 5am cry for help”. She’s the Mirror’s “6am girl – AMY BRA SHOCK.”
Inside the Mirror, readers see two pictures of the singer and are encouraged to note that Amy’s bra is less full than it once was. And that is no small shock, a disappointment, surely. “YOU’LL CATCH YOUR DEATH,” say the Sun, spotting Amy at 5:40.
While tabloid editors wonder if 5:40am is closer to 6am or 5am, and which makes for the better front-page sensation, we look again.
And we realise that what looks like a cry for help is surely just Ms Winehouse paying heed to Victoria Beckham’s words.
Says Vicky: “When the paramedics are called, I think that is a good sign; it shows real determination as a fan…”
Posted: 3rd, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Jordan, Harvey And Cheap Shots In Heat And OK!
“FURY OVER JIBE AT JORDAN’S SON!” says the Sunday Express.
The news: a picture in Heat magazine of Katie Andre pulling disabled and blind son Harvey towards her gigantic Jordans came equipped with a sticker bearing the legend “Harvey wants to eat me”.
How you interpret the line may depend on how you view celebrity.
Or whether you publish a magazine called OK!, in which Jordan appears each week to update us on Harvey’s health and share sticky-fingered anecdotes of a sex life with her pop acorn husband Peter Andre.
Says the Express, owned by Richard Desmond, who owns OK!: “It faced losing readers in droves after dozens of complaints to the Press Complaints Commission. Not only did the publication of a sticker ridiculing five-year-old Harvey attract widespread disgust and condemnation, it sent shock waves through the City, where the struggling group is being touted for sale.”
The struggling group is the Emap media conglomerate. “The furore heaped more trouble on Emap chairman Alan Cathcart, presiding over the group’s break-up amid falling sales and accusations that the board has lost its way and lost confidence,” notes the Sunday Express.
The paper is outraged and disgusted. It would not use a sickly child to sell magazines and score low points. This is a new low in British journalism.
Says Jordan: “They are making out Harvey is fat because he is greedy and eats all the time… In fact his size is down to his thyroid not working properly. He needs special medication every day just to keep him going. So if they attack my son because of his size, which is a result of his disability, they’re actually attacking him because he is disabled. What are they going to mock him for next – the colour of his skin?”
Harvey is dark-skinned, the product of a romance between footballer Dwight Yorke (black) and Jordan (orange)…
Posted: 2nd, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Gillian Gibbons: Teddy Bears, Zionists And Imperalism
GILLIAN Gibbons is in jail for calling a teddy bear Mohammed.
“ALL BECAUSE OF A TEDDY,” says the Sun’s front page. “MOB WANT BRIT TEACHER DEAD.”
“KILL HER,” says the Express.
“KILL HER! KILL HER!” echoes the Mail.
“Mob calls for teddy bear teacher to be shot,” says the Telegraph, a fact illustrated by a picture of an angry looking Muslim with a, er, sword.
Says Gillian Gibbons:
I still cannot believe this…Never in my life would I have ever thought I would be accused of deliberately insulting someone or something. I am simply not like that… It was my dream to come here so why should I have come and then insulted Islam? If I was that type of person I would have never come in the first place or I could have done that sort of thing in London or Liverpool.
In Liverpool, calling a teddy “Boris” is ill met by large women in replica football tops. A London-based teddy called “Anthea” was recently thrown on the top of a bus shelter.
But this goes further. No-one sane goes out of their way to cause offence, even Mel Gibson, and it is with an eye to human-to-human harmony we look at the teddy bear in Western society and suggest some alternatives:
- The Teddy Bears’ picnic is now an all-male affair. The female teddy bears luncheon will feature guest speaker Rupert Hill (Coronation Street’s Jamie Baldwin!)
- Teddy boys will be required to rename brothel creepers “God whisperers”.
- The short lingerie item the “teddy” will be rebranded as the “vest”.
- Teddy Sheringham will address the Government’s Inter-Faith Dialogue at Loughton Bowling Green and Rotary Club this Thursday afternoon
- Teddy Pendergrass’s hit album Life Is a Song Worth Singing will be adopted as the official anthem of the One World Unity Teddy movement
Says a spokesman for the Sudanese Teddy Liberation Front: “Teddy Bears are Zionist agents. A thousand cuts on Beary Poppins, Queen Elizabear, Bearie Antoinette, Sarah Bearnheart, Abearham Lincoln, Albeart Einstein. Queen Elizabear, Cyrano de Beargerac, Lauren Bearcall, Tony Bear, Bear Mitzvahs…
Posted: 1st, December 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (25)
A Breed Apart: East Europeans Having Babies
THE Daily Express sponsored Prevention of Immigrants Breeding and Inter-Breeding in Public and Private Places Act has yet to be passed.
And in the meantime, the UK is being swamped by Polish, Lithuanian and Slovakian speaking babies.
In “Eastern bloc baby boom…in Britain” the Express says “the number of children born to East Europeans in Britain has soared 100 times faster than those born to British mothers”.
This may or may not have something to do with the fact that between 2003 and 2006, the number of immigrants from Eastern Europe grew sharply, so bringing about an increase in their progeny.
It may also have something to do with their genes, the shape of their heads and the fact that with no working knowledge of central heating, immigrants are forced to keep warm by having coitus, as stipulated in The Red Book Of Heating By Way Of Mass Reproduction…
Posted: 30th, November 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)
The Common People: Sharon Osbourne And Ozzy Present Brit Awards
WITH the fans – and sons and daughters of record executives – kept apart from their pop heroes by bouncers, limousine and wire, we read with some joy that this season’s Brit Awards will be presented by Sharon Osbourne and her vibrating husband Ozzy.
No-one is more au fait with the common touch than Sharon, whose love of supermarket own brand ketchup and Bingo enthusiasm ensure she is loved by the masses, with whom she empathises.
“Ozzy and I are proud to be Brits,” says Sharon, star of the Osbourne’s Los Angeles-based TV show in the Sun.
And we proud of them for being proud of us and our country.
It’s been a long time coming. And not since the heady days of stage diving have two commoners shared stage space with our humble and respectful pop gods…
Posted: 30th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Santa’s Little Elf And Safety
“BELT UP SANTA!”
For years, Britain has put up with an obese immigrant arriving on his animal-drawn cart and entering our properties in the dead of night.
But now we say enough. Mr Clause, aka, Father Christmas, aka St Nicholas, aka you Brian Blessed has breached one rule too many. If the border guards and customs and excise controllers can’t nab him, then health and safety will at least slow him down.
News in the Mail that Clause has been ordered to fit a seat belt to his sleigh. President of the Halesowen and Rowley Regis Rotary Club, one – hear ye! – Barry Wheeler, gets the news from the insurers.
In word that may be misconstrued as a threat, albeit an understandable one given the level of provocation, Mr Barry says: “He would be more likely to issue himself getting in and out of the sleigh than actually falling out of it.”
The Sun says this seatbelt comes at a cost of £200, representing a further drain on the British taxpayers’ resources…
Posted: 30th, November 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Gillian Gibbons And The UN Convention On Teddy Bear Names
IN light of news that British teacher Gillian Gibbons has been spared the lash and sentenced to 15 days in a Sudanese choky for naming a teddy in an improper way, Anorak looks at the position of teddy bears in society.
The Sun focuses on ten-year-old Georgia Leyland, who bought her teddy in Harrods and named it Mohamed, in honour of Mohamed al Fayed.
“She’s just a little girl and she doesn’t understand,” says her father Mick. We should not rush to judge. Says Georgia to Gillian: “You’ve done nothing wrong. It’s just a teddy and you should be allowed to call it Mohamed – just like I’ve done.”
Why Miss Leyland should name her bear after a business leader is odd in only that more children don’t follow the convention. Teddy bears are, after all, so called in honour of President Theodore Roosevelt, who was fond of a Square Deal and once advocated war with Spain.
Other toys – the Gonk, the Troll and My Little Pony – are rarely if ever named after world figures. It is the teddy bear that occupies a special place.
As such we need clarification on what we can and cannot name our bears. The UN Convention of Teddy Bear naming has yet to reach a consensus. And to be on the safe side all new teddy bears bought this Christmas should be named “Teddy A”, “Teddy B” or “Boutros Boutros”.
Children should resist all urges to name their Barbie doll Hillary or their Bratz collection after Al Qaeda’s leaders…
Posted: 30th, November 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (10)
Okay Soaky: Gemma Atkinson’s Breasts Survive Ugly Jungle Shower
WITH a wag, a bounce and a catchphrase “Er…”, Gemma Atkinson emerges from the I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here! jungle wearing black leatherette knee boots, black knickers and her trademark expressionless expression.
“JUNGLE GEM” learn Mirror readers via the paper’s front page: “I lost 1st but kept my boobs.” Inside: “I lost loads of weight…but I’m glad I kept my boobs.”
Gemma’s boobs are box fresh. And we too are glad she kept them. Had she unscrewed her breasts before her jungle adventure, Gemma’s shrinking frame may have made them look overly gigantic when reattached.
Unlike those airline passengers who slip off their shoes on long haul flights only to discover they cannot reinsert their feet, Gemma boxed clever.
“JUNGLE GEM REVEALS ALL,” says the Sun’s cover. There is a “4-page pull out”, possibly one page for each of Gemma’s before and after breasts.
The woman whom the Sun’s Ally Ross labels with the personality of “a Belgian sat-nav unit”, the girl “who put the oak into Hollyoaks” tells us “I WAS OGLED IN THE SHOWER”.
Gemma says the camera crew made taking shower “nerve-wracking”. But she’s a game girl is Gemma and continued to have showers and thereby hope to conquer her fear.
“I was very conscious of people thinking I went on the show purely to be seen in the shower. But at the end of the day you have to get clean,” says Gemma. But: “I feared my 34F boobs might shrink.” Showers can do that. Showering or not showering is the big debate. But, luckily, Gemma’s breasts are made of a substance that can withstand seawater, freshwater, bathwater, shower water, tonic water and pressures of 100lbs per square inch.
“My boobs survived the jungle,” says Gemma on the Star’s front page: “GEMMA: MY STORY.” AND: “GEMMA JOY AS 34E ASSETS REMAIN FIRM.”
What’s this? 34E!? But they’re 34F in the Sun. Can it be that Gemma has calibrated incorrectly and been ill affected by life in the jungle?
But chin up, Gemma. Before she went into the jungle, the Star says her footballer lover Marcus Bent gave her a “G” necklace. A sign of love…
A sign of things to come…
Posted: 30th, November 2007 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Pizza Boss Colin Helsby’s Head For Business
COLIN Helsby has a head for business. He’s the Star’s “TATTOO NUT’S CHEESED OFF”.
That’s Colin’s head on the left. It’s not a livid birth mark but a tattoo he hoped would promote his pizza business.
Anyone who sets eyes on Colin’s head will think of mouth watering pizza, a delicious combo of orangey cheese, pink slices of something and little hairs.
It could not fail. But then it did. Mr Helsby’s business in Wales has crashed through lack of – get this – “dough”.
Mr Helsby is now back at his old job as a supermarket butcher. That’s him in the pork pie hat. Or is it..?
