Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
David Beckham Labours In Nicole Kidman’s New Film
DAVID Beckham’s post-football career is causing Nicole Kidman to make notes.
Advertising perfumes and mobile phones is just fine if you are as jobbing footballer with match sweat to wash away and agents to call. But can a non-playing Beckham command the same marketing space?
In Australia, Nicole Kidman is due to star in Baz Lurhmann’s new film in which a British aristocrat falls in love with a rugged Australian.
We know, the aristo should be Her Poshness. But what with her acting and prior engagements Nicole Kidman gets the nod. Hugh Jackman plays Mick Dundee.
And, as the Star reports, David Beckham gets a part as a “hunky builder”.
It’s nothing shot of genius. (Kidman’s brain training is paying off.) Who uses their mobiles more than a builder? Who builds up a bigger sweat on the job?
And to top the lot, who presents their employees with a massive bill for what on the face of it appears as minimal work?
Bring it on…
Posted: 30th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Welsh Traders Call Police To Stop School Christmas Carol Singers
‘TIS that time of year when the tabloids dust off their annals and regale us with stories of the teacher who announces at morning assembly that Father Christmas is a lie, followed by “A Day In The Life of Mr F. Christmas – a caretaker from Leicester”.
There is also the traditional story of the “grumpy traders” who hate Christmas as much as they hate children as much as they hate carols.
The Mirror looks at these “bad-tempered shopkeepers” of Llandudno asking that the singers of Sant Sior primary school stop singing. The children, replete with the spirit of Christmas, would not stop. Could not stop. So the shopkeepers call a police officer.
“GOD ARREST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN,” says the headline. Gerry Mentalmen, say we, looking for the German angle that this story sorely lacks.
“It was absolutely unbelievable,” says Ian Jones, the singers’ “head”. “The children were singing beautifully and everyone was having a good time.”
Not everyone, Singers for sure. Their parents, certainly. The listeners? Not a chance. So a Police Support officer arrives. He tells the singers to turn the backing music down (what, no recorders?) and sing “more quietly”.
As the head notes: “Some of the parents were furious.”
Understandably. If Armani and Brad are to sing about their two front teeth on the X Factor and hold down meaningful careers in the entertainment biz, they need to perform before a live crowd.
Unless something is done to stop this madness, we fear Britain’s reality TV song contest industry will go the way of so many Eurovision dreams…
Posted: 29th, November 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)
Immigrants Saved From The Mail’s Statistics
THE Mail has a picture of three African immigrants “dragging their belongings behind them in a tyre”.
Two of the three are sat astride a winsurfing board. The third is in the water, holding onto the board.
Mail readers clack their tongues and nod. But they are wrong. Granted, immigration is very likely to blame for the recent floods, but these foreigners are in the Mediterranean Sea, close to that kernel of Empire, Gibraltar.
The Mail looks on as a ferry making the crossing from Tarifa in Spain to Tangier in Morocco picks up the stricken immigrants. They are “safe from becoming another statistic”.
Indeed, they are. Because look as we might we can see no hint of any number signalling how many immigrants have made their way into Europe by windsurf board this season.
The aforesaid mention of “three” was our own calculation, and we cannot overrule the possibility that other Africans are secreted under the pictured surfboard.
Says the Mail: “Official fear many of the thousands of African who try to reach Spain illegally each year die in the process, but there is no way of knowing exactly how many.”
And we are saved from hearing the statistics…
Posted: 29th, November 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (19)
There Goes Lewis Hamilton And Naomi Campbell
LEWIS Hamilton is with Naomi Campbell.
Lewis is one of our “best loved sportsmen” (see all media), whereas Ms Campbell once topped a poll for the Most Hated Person is Britain and is famed for throwing hissy fits and telephones.
Hamilton’s celebrity could be better served were he to step out with Cherie Blair, Anthea Turner or Myra Hinley.
As the Mail points out, Campbell is 15 years older than Hamilton and full four inches taller, not counting heels (his or hers).
Neither age nor height need be a factor in any relationship between the two, a fillip encouraged by angled views of Tom Cruise (who, incidentally, played a racing car driver in Days Of Thunder) and Katie Holmes.
And the tabloid press are hoping that Hamilton and Campbell make a go of it. “Grand prix ace Lewis vrooms of with Naomi,” says the Express on its cover page. “Lewis, Naomi and a very speedy exit.”
It is clear that the two promise to tap into a rich seam of headlines and puns. “SPEED DATE,” says the Mirror. “He’s a fast mover.” And: “Now there’s one cheerleader you’d want in your pit.”
“F1 LEWIS IS IN PULL POSITION,” says the Star.
“And they’re off!” say we…
Picture of the Naomi Campbell mobile: 14
Posted: 29th, November 2007 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
David Beckham’s Waxing On The Wane
WITH David Beckham nearing the end of his football playing career, the world of waxing needs a new spokesman.
Step forward Chris Biggins, the I’m A Celebrity jungle camper. Says he, as heard by the Sun: “I sugar. It’s a bit like a jelly and a bit like waxing but easier and they put it on and the hairs just come off.” Biggins sounds good enough to eat.
“It’s an old Egyptian thing and I go to a guy in Soho and he sugars my back and he sugars the hair from my nostrils and he sugars my crack and, yeah, it’s good.”
The market will, as ever, be the judge of that. And it remains to be seen how Beckham will react ot the challenge.
A back, sack and crack merchant, Beckham has yet to move into nasal hair. But with age catching up with him, he just might…
Posted: 29th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Lily Allen Thought Of The Day
TODAy Lily Allen says in the Mirror: “Of course I’m not going to retire. This was the biggest joke in my life and I just cannot believe people would actually believe this junk. I talk crap all the time…”
Lily Allen is a committed celebrit…
Posted: 29th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Gillian Gibbons: Grin And Bear It
GILLIAN Gibbons is in jail on a charge of “insulting Islam”, as the Sun puts it. She is “timid” Gillian. She is the Express’s “teddy bear teacher”, and so too the Mail’s.
But there is – alas – no mention of Sudan’s Teddy Taliban, who have seen fit to incarcerate Gibbons.
What readers do get, of course, is to read the account of Gavin Sherrard-Smith, who today appears in the Mirror, having already told Mail and Express readers of his flogging in Qatar for breaking that country’s alcohol laws.
Mr Sherrard-Smith tells a good anecdote, one in the eye for those who return from Arabic country’s with only a pair of Giorgio Ferrari sunglasses and slides of them haggling for a discount on the “Tommy Copper” hat. But having heard the story three times, the pain is growing dim.
The danger is that by the time Mr Sherrard-Smith reaches the Telegraph, readers will have grown immune to the news, some even writing in to say how had the beaten Britisher gone to St Albions School he would have considered his treatment as no more than a light tap on the knuckles.
Over in the Mail, the tabloid voice of Islamic womanhood, former Apprentice wannabe Saira Khan, says the issue is “deadly serious”. It is “far from funny”.
Indeed. It is almost beyond satire.
The call is for the fundamentalist to show sense. Boris Johnson, writing in the Telegraph, talks of a time when Britain would have sent a gun boat to rescue her. “Civis Britannicus sum,” he cries. “I am a British citizen,” says Gillian ‘Gordon’ Gibbons. “We used to send gunboats to your part of the world. Ruddy fuzzy-wuzzies.”
But one thing has been left out: the identity of the teddy bear.
A soppy Rupert, a mentally negligible Paddington or a rabble rousing, not to forget Buddhist, Winnie The Pooh?
Posted: 29th, November 2007 | In: Broadsheets, Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (3)
The Thicket Of It: Janice Dickinson And The Sum Of Her Parts
TO the I’m A Celebrity Jungle, where the locals are educating viewers in the ways of maths, or maffs.
Question: “What is 20 per cent of 60?”
Turn the dial on the safe to the correct answer and gain access to the food within, a chocolate cake. Answer wrong and get no food.
Teachers, Ed Balls and food activists look on with interest. Is this the answer to the obesity and stupidity epidemic in our schools?
The debate goes like this (as transcribed by the Daily Mail):
Janice Dickinson: 40, 30, 10, 5
Cerys Matthews: If ten per cent is six what’s 20 per cent?
Jason ‘J’ Brown: Did you put 24 in the padlock?
Janice: I did and it wouldn’t open.
Cerys: It’s 12 isn’t it?
Jason: No, it’s 20 per cent.
Cerys: What’s 10 per cent of 60 then? It’s six.
Jason: No, 12. It’s because she didn’t get it on the red line.
Cerys: Well I can’t do percentages then.
Chris Biggins: So what is 10 per cent of 60?
Cerys: Twelve he said. I thought it was six.
Janice: I thought it was six. It is six.
Biggins: Ten per cent of 60 is six.
Jason: Ten per cent of what?
Biggins: Of 60 is six.
Jason: But you want 20 per cent.
Biggins: Yeah, then you double it. If ten per cent is six, 20 per cent is 12.
Jason: What was the sum?
Jason: Well a fifth of 60 is 12.
Cerys: Yes, that’s what the answer is. You don’t have to double it.
Janice: It’s a really smart game and we ****ed up.
No cake. Tomorrow – Gemma Atkinson calculates what comes after DD, Jason wonders what happened to the other three members of his former band Five and budding celebrities work out that if you want to get on the telly and in the papers it pays to play dumb…
Posted: 29th, November 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Spice Girls: Victoria Beckham’s Past It Double
THE Spice Girls are reforming and the Mirror spots them at the Dancing With The Stars show, USA.
“TOUR HAS BEEN TANGO’D,” says the paper. And we look at the pictures of Sporty, Posh, Baby and Geri and wonder that the paper is not being a little cruel. Granted Geri is a little gingery and her Poshness is a light vermillion. But tango?
As Mel B says: “We have this little tango section so we can show off our stuff. Me and Emma were quite obviously pleased to get that in.”
It may have escaped your notice that Mel B is in the American show and Emma was once a contestant on British Strictly Come Dancing.
You can imagine the frisson of excitement as Emma and Mel B look on, sleeves pulled taught over mouths as Posh is invited to stand chest-to-chest with Geri, snap her head and move her feet.
And what of that Posh chest? The Mail takes a look and wonders: “Are Posh’s assets going south?” Are Posh’s dance partners flying down to Rio, so to speak, or sliding off to Buenos Aires, home to the aforementioned Tango?
Posted: 28th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (12)
Lily Allen: Thought For The Day, By Black Eyed Peas
LILY Allen thought of the day, from Black Eyed Peas Will.I.Am: “I have a crush on Lily Allen. I met her before very briefly. She’s cute. Yeah… I’d like to see her again.”
Will.I.Am was in conversation with the Daily Mirror…
Posted: 28th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Um Bonko: Sex In The I’m A Celebrity Jungle
“CELEBS CAUGHT HAVING SEX IN JUNGLE – Hot scenes ITV dare not show.”
Some confusion on the Star’s front page where the shocker that stars in the I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here! clearing are scaring the creatures is met with the line that the locals are “sex starved”.
How can they be sex-starved and at it like kangaroos? Are they doing it wrong?
Perhaps the Star has yet to view the “X-rated” scenes it says “jungle bosses” have censored.
All Star readers have to go on is a shot of actor/singer/model/TV chef Marc Bannerman (left) stood under a showery waterfall with singer/actress/model/room-make-over technician Cerys Matthews (right).
An arrow points to the Bannerman groin (“OOP! HARD GOING: Marc has the hots for Cerys”), and we learn of Cerys’ “sensational confession” that he told her that he was “randy”.
Marc has left the how. But Cerys can be seen eating kangaroo gonads later…
Posted: 28th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Amy Winehouse Is… Troubled-Sad-The Rehab Singer
AMY Winehouse has cancelled her tour, or “pulled the plug” as the Times notes on its front page.
Winehouse is “sad” (Times), “Miss” (Mail), “Troubled” (Star, Express and Sun), “The Rehab singer” (Mirror), and the American “Wreckamess” (Disney’s TMZ website).
It is clear that Winehouse needs a decent epithet. Just as “rubber-faced” precedes Rowan Atkinson and “troubled” is shorthand for Britney Spears – and now adopted by the less imaginative press for Winehouse (press F9) – the singer needs a keyword.
And then there is the Winehouse headline. Take the Times’ front-page legend: “No, no, no. Sad Winehouse pulls plug on her tour.”
Winehouse might me in meltdown, on her way to rehab, but then so would you be if whenever you opened your mouth someone said “No, no, no”. (You can already foresee the anti-drugs campaign.)
But some papers are at least trying. The Daily Sport brings “THEY’VE ALL GOT IT INF-AMY!” Admittedly, this headline has been created and the story of a “bitter family feud” written for it. But it shows imagination.
But the spoils go to the Star which says Winehouse has cancelled her tour because she misses her incarcerated husband, Blake Fielder-Civil. The headline: “LONELY AMY’S BLAKE-DOWN.”
Not a full “Yes, yes, yes” from us. But the signs are encouraging…
Posted: 28th, November 2007 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
You Decide If Gillian Gibbons Should Be Flogged
THE story so far: Gillian Gibbons has been accused of insulting Islam’s holiest prophet.
The British primary school teacher at a school in Sudan allowed pupils to name the class teddy bear Mohammed. If found guilty she will be sentenced to 40 lashes and a lengthy jail term.
Gillian Gibbons is on the front pages of the Guardian, Mirror, Telegraph, Times and the Sun.
And she’s on the Express’s over, where the paper responds to the news with a question it would like its readers to respond to: “Is it right for this British woman to be whipped?”
The Express calls it a “barbaric class of values”. And it is. In the Sudan, Gillian Gibbons will get a trial and a chance to defend herself. But in the Express, she is afforded no such thing, and it is left to the readers to decide her fate.
Should she be flogged? You decide…
Posted: 27th, November 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (69)
Respect Due: Would You Curtsey To Camilla Or Bono?
THE Mail has a question: “Would you CURTSEY to Camilla?”
“Cherie wouldn’t. Sarah Brown graciously did. But by bending the knee to royalty, the PM’s wife sparked a furious debate…”
We would have it that the question was thrown open and the nodding heads lined up by the Mail invited to say who they would show deference to.
Ingrid Tarrant says “YES” she would curtsey to Camilla, should Camilla ever be in her local Surrey butcher’s say, or wine bar. But would she extend the same courtesy to Bob Geldof, Anthea Turner or Jordan?
Maeve Haren, Rosie Millard, Melanie McDonagh, Margaret Cook and Victoria Coren all says “NO”. They are all writers by trade or, heaven help us, journalists.
Would any of them prefer to appear with the rich and the celebrated rather then the merely royal? Sarah Brown genuflects for Camilla; Gordon Brown bends at the knee of the Arctic Monkeys.
The hereditaries are barred from the House of Lords, replaced by Lord Hucknell of Manchester, Lord Bono of G8 and Lady Fiona Phillips. It is not a class thing, as Cherie Blair might well have supposed, rather one of respect. And who do you respect, Camilla or the new Queen of the celebrity jungle, or American royalty..?
Posted: 27th, November 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Why Victoria Beckham Reformed The Spice Girls
WANT to know why “Victoria Beckham reformed the Spice Girls”? The Sun asks the question.
The Spice Girls were and still are the pop feminists that set out to show girls and curious boys that if you really, really want it, it doesn’t matter if you can’t sing and can’t dance, you can still get it.
As David Beckham, the so-called Sixth Spice, reveals: “She says all our boys know what Daddy does [see new Motorola Razor advert]…but they have never seen what Mummy used to do.”
Far be it from us to add the chorus of advisors who shape the Beckhams, but this might be something best left alone. Victoria might like to buy or rent a DVD or visit YouTube and show her sons videos of what mummy used to do.
Most mums embarrass their children by performing badly or too well at the mum’s race on school sports day, voicing an opinion or beginning a sentence with “Can I talk to you?”
Victoria Beckham is breaking new ground.
The young Beckhams should just know that what Mummy did then is pretty much what Mummy has always done, albeit with her hand of Geri Halliwell’s knee…
As Mummy once opined: “If you want my future, forget my past…”
Video: Posh and Baby before the Change
Posted: 27th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Princess Diana Could Have Been Pregnant, Maybe
“DIANA – She could have been pregnant expert tells jury.”
The Daily Express brings news on its front page of Princess Diana. Inside and: “Doctor admits: Diana may have been newly pregnant.”
Diana fans will enjoy the word “admits”. In the white heat of the inquest Dr Robert Chapman is left with no choice other then to admit that had Diana been in the very early stages of pregnancy there would have been no way of his knowing.
Dr Chapman is the home office pathologist who conducted Diana’s post-mortem.
Now at last there is value to be found in the £10million inquest. This is progress.
“Princess Diana was not pregnant when she died and was only enjoying a ‘friendship” with Dodi Fayed,” the Mail hears Diana’s driver Colin Tebbutt say on the record.
But, Mr Tebbutt, we put it to you that COULD have been pregnant. Admit that, at least. We all of us must.
Dr Chapman says he did not see any “indication when examining Diana’s uterus and ovaries” of the princess’s pregnancy.
As the Telegraph front page says: “DIANA INQUEST – ‘NO SIGN SHE WAS PREGNANT’.”
But that Diana could have been one, two or three weeks pregnant has been established. Now the case can finally move on and we can find out if Diana COULD have been planning to wear brown in town, COULD have been set for a bout of adult acne and COULD have been a natural brunette…
Posted: 27th, November 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (8)
I’m A Celebrity Fixed It For Janice Dickinson
THIS season’s I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here! is following the well-trod steps of reality shows past.
The Star brings news of the obligatory betting scandal. In “JANICE JUNGLE BET FIX”, readers get the front-page news that a gambling scam is threatening the show.
Plans are afoot to flood phone lines and make Janice Dickinson (6-1) this year’s winner. Of course, we have read of phone line scams in the past, and note that the only cons so far proven have been those perpetuated by the programme makers.
These “mystery syndicates” should note that though things have improved – steps taken, heads rolled etc. – care should be taken. Not all calls may be logged.
Anorak advises not taking the chance and instead sticking to the tried-and-tested: nobbling the opposition.
Look out for Bush Nip ‘n’ Tucker Dickinson being eased to victory as one by one her agonists are eaten by insects, poisoned by a “bad” kangaroo gonad and sent to join the cast of Celebrity Emergency Ward as the rope bridge carrying them to what passes for civilisation in Australia becomes “frayed”…
Picture: The Spine
Posted: 27th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Chantelle’s Celebrity Legend: New Boobs, New Man, New Life
“CHANTELLE: New Boobs, new man, new life.”
So says the Star on its front page, words equipped with a picture of former Celebrity Big Brother winner turned celebrity Chantelle Houghton.
Chantelle is pictured in black knickers with pink spots. Her fingers are hooked into the straps of her matching bra in the manner of a young Tommy Steele fingering his braces in readiness for a burst of Half A Sixpence.
But it’s that headline that intrigues, more than Chantelle’s new Jordans.
Never has there been a more fitting legend to grace the celebrity shield. Anorak is looking for a new logo and thinks “New boobs, new man, new life” would fit neatly beneath the mythological motifs of rampant soap actor and a displayed glamour model.
“I’m so happy with them,” says Chantelle, “I absolutely love them and can’t stop touching them.”
Presumably to see if they are real…
Posted: 27th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Russell Brand: The Stuffed Elvis And Me
LOOKING over the eBay website, the Star happens upon Russell Brand’s pet mouse. Given Mr Brand’s brand of humour, we would appear to be on the verge of an urban legend.
For now, though, know that Elvis, the presenter’s former pet mouse, is for sale. Elvis the mouse is dead, and animal rights activists should rest easy. Although they may take exception to the news that in his afterlife Elvis has been stuffed and mounted on a pair of webbed feet.
Says Harry Glass of Brand and Elvis: “He gave him the run of his scalp. After few months, poor Elvis died. Our friend was training as a taxidermist, so he stuffed Elvis and Russell gave it to me.” And: “I have carefully kept Elvis as a reminder of my crazy days with Russ.”
Of course, crazy is in the mind, and readers will realise that stuffing a woodland creature and dressing it up in outlandish fashion is the stuff of the higher class. They are fond of equipping a padded fox with monocle and matching tweeds, or else sitting him in the kitchen amid pristine tablecloths, bone china and fresh dahlias as a interesting centrepiece, something to keep things jovial when talk of house prices and alcoholism have run dry.
Brand dresses as a dandy and has taken drugs. Beatrix Potter died some time ago…
Posted: 26th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Malibu Fires And Jennifer Aniston’s Arctic Pain
IT is the Third Rule of Tabloid Journalism that any disaster should contain a celebrity angle.
The Bangladesh floods and the Darfur massacres would lead the news converge if only Kerry Katona could be persuaded to dispense own-brand ketchup to the dispossessed and Lenny Henry retrace his roots to the Sudan.
Accordingly, there is leading news from Malibu where fires are occurring.
In “Red Hot Flea hit by blaze”, the Sun tells us that Flea, member of the Red hot Chilli Peppers band, has had his home “burnt to a crisp”.
“Stars flee Malibu fires,” announces the Express. Minnie Driver, Sting, Pierce Brosnan, Britney Spears, Courtney Cox and Bill Murray have abandoned their properties.
Cynics may argue that having a property in Malibu guarantees column inches, it being the resort for fires.
Indeed, if Jennifer Aniston can only be persuaded to buy a holiday home on the edge of the Arctic ice shelf, she will surely become the most–talked about celebrity on the planet…
Posted: 26th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Fait Wayne Une Pipe: Rooney’s Hookah
ANOTHER week and with it another chance for the Sun to dress up Wayne Rooney, the paper’s designated laughing stock. “MAN U PLAN MOROCCAN XMAS BASH,” says the paper.
Manchester Untied are to stage a Moroccan-themed Christmas party, with traditional Moroccan dodgems. The event will be held in a marquee, which as any Moroccan and Manchester-based party planner should know is like big tent.
Having seen Rooney as a toff (he’s studying for GCSE maths), young Wayne is today pictured wearing a Dishdashah, headscarf and sucking on a hookah pipe.
“Rooney and the hookah,” says the Sun, a comment on Rooney’s past indiscretions. And the reason for the story becomes clear.
For those readers uncertain of the pun, the Sun explains it. The hookah is a pipe used for smoking. It is not a “hooker” as in Wayne and Auld Slapper, or Wayne and Sophie Anderton.
It is not hooker as in Rooney’s team-mate Cristina Ronaldo and the hookers. “So Roo and Ronaldo can get stuck into as many hookahs as they like,” says the Sun, crudely.
For any reader still not in on the joke, the Sun says a “fruity hookah isn’t one from Manchester’s Canal Street”.
Nor is it a prostitute…
Posted: 26th, November 2007 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Jam Today: Prince Charles And Camilla Get Stood Up
PRINCE Charles and his flavoursome wife Camilla are at table.
Many other guests at the banquet of Commonwealth Prime Ministers are not in evidence. The room is less busy than the Wembley conference hall booked for the Stave McClaren Appreciation Society.
There is no sign of Gordon Brown and his wife Sarah. When they do arrive, as the Express notes, “They told him they got caught up in a traffic jam of official cars.”
Prince Charles is pictured smiling broadly. The Express says “Charles’ popularity is on the wane”. The no-show is evidence of a “snub”. Charles smiles.
The paper senses opposition to his marriage to Camilla. This is why leaders decided not to attend. Some claim to be “too tired”, as the Mail notes.
And Charles smiles. Why?
For starters, with less diners there is more food to around. And with less travel, the meal produces a smaller carbon footprint, Mr Brown’s motorcade, notwithstanding.
And then there is the chatter. As the small talk dries after 10 or 15 minutes, Charles can make a ready quip about the availability of seats, their being no need to book ahead and his wife’s aftershave…
Posted: 26th, November 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment
Amy Winehouse’s Ugly Truths On Show
AMY Winehouse: “With smeared make-up, tattoos, cigarette clenched between her teeth she looks a long way from one of the UK’s most successful performers.”
Indeed, the Mail’s customary shot of Winehouse is of a mode usually reserved for an exposé, one of those stories that show the ugly truth beneath the glitz and the fame.
Winehouse is all about ugly truth. There she is in the street, having departed the Hammersmith Apollo stage to a chorus of boos.
The Star calls that performance “shambolic”. The Mail says she “rambled incoherently”.
It’s terrific stuff. It what the fans want, and expect. Winehouse has developed an act that allows her to forget words, look a mess and end the show whenever she likes.
In a sea of acts that try to do the accepted and the expected thing and entertain, she is the great originator. The only thing than can undo her legend is news of her putting on a great show, looking good and eating five pieces of fruit and veg a day…
Posted: 26th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Man Arrested For ‘Bonking’ A BMW
IN recent times, Anorak has found cause to comment on a man who had sex with a bicycle (proven) and another who attempted to romance a fence (alleged).
Having read of Toni Vernelli, sterilised at age 27 to reduce her carbon footprint, we should expect more of the same.
There is much “breathing” in the act of coitus, and it is greener to have sex with non-breathing, inanimate objects – although not rubber dolls, plastic devices or endangered species, such as polar bears.
And now we learn via the Sport’s front page of the man, a “twisted pervert”, who was caught “bonking” a BMW 328i.
Readers learn that the vehicle was “washed down” after Sandy Wong had had his way.
But perhaps not as you may suppose. Mr Wong, of Edmonton, Canada, was found sprawled over the roof, legs dangling by the driver’s side with his trousers about his ankles.
Mr Wong was, in the language of tabloid newspapers, “pleasuring himself”. He was at the region’s Home & Garden show.
In court, it is on the record that Mr Wong is aroused by the 1967 Camaro and the 1995 Chevy Bel Air. Earlier this year, Mr Wong was seen in onanistic pose atop a Mini Copper.
Mr Wong has been sentenced to 90 days in prison. He was driven off to the cells in a police van, his face contorted into what psychiatrists term a “state of euphoric bliss”…
Posted: 26th, November 2007 | In: Strange But True, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Princess Beatrice: An ‘Unusual’ Royal Euphermism
SAY the Mail: “Princess Perfect: How Beatrice is turning into a most unusual young royal.”
Answers to the usual adress as to what “unusual” means…
Posted: 25th, November 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (5)
