Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Britney Spears’ Two For One Chinese Children Deal
“BRITNEY Spears to adopt Chinese twins,” says the News of The World.
Once was the time when a celebrity would adopt a new look, a panda bear in a Zoo or a technique with grilled food.
Now they adopt people. And here is news that “POP shambles BRITNEY SPEARS” is adopting Chinese twins.
It seems prudent of Spears to take on a pair of new children. Embroiled in a custody battle with her “birth” children, Britney can experiment with someone else’s bairns and keep her hand in.
And the good news is that in China there are lots of children, and if it doesn’t work out she can always get more and try, try and try until she feels the bond.
Dissenting voices will, doubtless, wonder how Britney can be allowed to care for two Chinese children and, should the ruling go against her, be barred from being primary carer for her own.
We point out that Britney is American, and the adopted children Chinese. At current exchange rates, two Chinese equate to one American child (Britney qualifies for a ‘spare’).
And should it not work out with the two Sino-Spears, Spears should be allowed to take home three Indian, Four Vietnamese and no fewer that seven Africans…
Posted: 25th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (9)
Mr Amy Winehouse In The Big House: A Play
A COURTHOUSE in London Town where chartered surveyors’ practice Blake Fielder-Civil is up before the Beak. In the throng, his wife, popular chanteuse Amy Winehouse
Blake Fielder-Civil, Mr Amy Wienhouse (mouthed): “You all right? You OK?”
Winehouse: “Yes”
The Mirror’s “Chief Crime Correspondent”: Oyez! Oyez! Amy’s hubby faces Xmas in jail”
Chorus (of disapproval): Mr Fielder-Civil is in court. He is also in custody, having allegedly tried to bribe a pub landlord to drop an assault allegation against him
Lawyer Arlette Piercy applies for him to be released pending a trial date next year. The court is cleared. Winehouse remains in the gallery
Fielder-Civil: “I won’t get it. I’ll be all right. I love you”
Appeal denied.
Mirror: No!
Mail: No!
Sun: No!
Fielder-Civil: “I love you, I’ll phone you, baby”
Judge David Radford: “As you know, for reasons I have gone into in length in chambers, the bail that was granted in the matter of causing grievous bodily harm is revoked”
Refreshments
Posted: 24th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
England And Steve McClaren Give Until It Hurts
HEADLINES such as “ENGLAND COST US £1BN”, “BLACK WEDNESDAY” and “DON’T BANK ON ENGLAND” have appeared in the slipstream of England’s departure from football’s European Championships.
McClaren’s branded umbrella would have been better served as a receptacle into which England fans could have tossed all manner of coins, milks bottle tops and razor blades to help the country muddle on.
And now, as the Sun reports, the players have realised that in losing to Croatia they have damaged the nation’s financial health. It is said that “football stars last night gave up their match fees from the disastrous Croatia game to help wounded troops — thanks to The Sun”.
Thanks to the Sun, Britain’s soldiers are now wondering how to spend £23,000.
Each player in the England squad was paid £1,000 by the FA for last Wednesday’s game. And the squad has selflessly donated the sum to the Sun’s Help For Heroes appeal.
What’s more, sacked manager Steve McClaren also pledged to make a donation out of his estimated £2.5million pay-off. Says McClaren, who has just bought a “SECOND” home in the Caribbean (Mail): “It’s a good cause and I am happy to help. I will definitely give some money.”
And David Beckham pulls off is Make Poverty History and Find Madeleine wristbands to make way for the Help For Heroes symbol. Says Becks: “I am incredibly grateful for the commitment and work our armed forces do for our country. I fully support the campaign.”
Great stuff. The average salary of a newly qualified soldier is £14,300 before tax – which means that thanks to England’s sub-standard footballers the UK can now afford almost two new soldiers, or one soldier and a reservist.
How proud and grateful the Army must be…
Posted: 24th, November 2007 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (3)
The Human Virus: They Who Would Save Us All Through Sterilisation
“MEET the women who won’t have babies – because they’re not eco friendly,” says the Mail.
Meet them… But to what ends, other than to hear their views on how humanity is blowing carbon dioxide emissions right into Mother Nature’s face, and her with a baby and all.
Says the Mail: “Had Toni Vernelli gone ahead with her pregnancy ten years ago, she would know at first hand what it is like to cradle her own baby, to have a pair of innocent eyes gazing up at her with unconditional love, to feel a little hand slipping into hers – and a voice calling her Mummy.” (Hark: “Mum! Muuuum! Lemmy a fiver and shut up, you witch!”)
“But the very thought makes her shudder with horror.” Indeed.
Has she heard that babies grow up into Hoodies, alcopop munchers and Jade Goody? No. It’s: “Because when Toni terminated her pregnancy, she did so in the firm belief she was helping to save the planet. Toni Vernelli was sterilised at age 27 to reduce her carbon footprint.”
Says Ms Vernelli: “Having children is selfish. It’s all about maintaining your genetic line at the expense of the planet.”
Environmentalism is the new religion. Thou shalt not have children.
And then the clincher: “But nothing in Toni’s safe, middle- class upbringing gave any clues as to the views which would shape her adult life. The eldest of three daughters, she enjoyed a loving, close-knit family life.”
It is this upbringing one suspects that is the part of real interest to the Mail. Being middle-class is now all about feeling for the environment, buying organic and listening to scientists telling you what you should and should not do.
These are the people who nod along when former environment minister Michael Meacher says: “The lesson is that if we continue with activities which destroy our environment and undermine the conditions for our own survival, we are the virus.”
Thou Shalt Not Have Fun
And here’s Sarah: “Most young girls dream of marriage and babies. But Sarah dreamed of helping the environment – and as she agonised over the perils of climate change, the loss of animal species and destruction of wilderness, she came to the extraordinary decision never to have a child.”
She tells us: “I realised then that a baby would pollute the planet – and that never having a child was the most environmentally friendly thing I could do.”
And her fiancé Mark adds: “Sarah and I live as green a life a possible. We don’t have a car, cycle everywhere instead, and we never fly. We recycle, use low-energy light bulbs and eat only organic, locally produced food. In short, we do everything we can to reduce our carbon footprint. But all this would be undone if we had a child. That’s why I had a vasectomy. It would be morally wrong for me to add to climate change and the destruction of Earth.”
Of course they could do more – they could die and donate their bodies to the compost heap. Or they could turn to their parents and in best of planet-saving traditions scream: “I NEVER ASKED TO BE BORN!!!”
Posted: 23rd, November 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (4)
Jamie Oliver’s Slip Of The Tongue On Angelina’s Jolie ‘Piloh Shit’
ALL is not well in the world of transatlantic celebrity relations as “fat-tongued Jamie Oliver” calls Angelina Jolie’s child “Piloh Sh*t instead of Shiloh Pitt”.
The Spoonerism has not gone down well.
In John Gross’s Oxford Books of Aphorisms, Comic Verse and Essays, the author mentions W. A. Spooner, coiner of the Spoonerism. Readers lean that there is a time and a place for a Spoonerism.
As an Arnold Toynbee says: “At a dinner party in Oxford, she saw Dr Spooner upset a saltcellar and then reach for a decanter of claret. He then poured claret on the salt, drop by drop, till he had produced the little purple mound which would have been the end-product if he had spilled claret on the tablecloth and had then cast a heap of salt on the pool to absorb it.”
It is clear that Spoonerism – verbal or physical – is not for everyone. Spooner could get away with his behaviour and not be punched in the throat by his host because it was the sort of thing expected of him. He may have been invited to the dinner in the implicit hope he would do something Spoonery.
Jamie Oliver is TV cook. He says “pukka”, “weerly wicked” and has a need to be liked.
His slip of the tongue – however generous – is best avoided…
Posted: 23rd, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Her Majesty Queen Does A Diana: Portrait Unveiled
HER Majesty the Queen is in Uganda.
There she has been offered a portrait of she and Prince Philip, as painted by one Joackim Onyangeo Nedalo. He has travelled from his native Kenya to present Her Majesty with his work, which took him three months to complete.
Mr Nedalo will be delighted to know that “his picture was drawn to her attention as she drove past in her bullet-proof Range Rover”.
No time to stop as Her Majesty heads for what the Times calls a “Diana moment”.
No, she’s not shopping, romancing a soldier or placing her hair in a bun. The Queen is shaking the hand of an ill man. As the Times notes: “Stephen Wakodo is HIV positive. Yesterday he shook hands with the Queen in Uganda. The occasion was a first for both of them.”
Mr Wakodo has not shaken hands with the Queen before, nor with Diana, who is pictured pressing the flesh of HIV patient Shane Snape back in 1987.
There are many firsts in this event – the Queen has never “knowingly” met an HIV sufferer before; never before met an HIV patient while wearing a lime green dress; never before met Mr Wakodo.
It is also the first time Her Majesty has been alikened to Diana, of whom portraits are in ready supply…
Posted: 23rd, November 2007 | In: Broadsheets, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment
Zara Phillips Outrages Daily Mail’s Blue Stockings With Black Bra
FOR those of you unable to attend the Red Cross Ball in London the Mail has a picture on its Page 3 of young Zara Philips and a “generous among of flesh”.
The paper’s readers will shocked and dismayed to see that the young royal has chosen to wear a Roberto Cavalli dress “tied at the midriff with a black ribbon… cut so low it gave fellow revellers at the Honky Tonk Blues themed event more than a glimpse of her cleavage and black bra”.
Letters of complaint, with supportive artwork, should be addressed to the usual address in a secure brown paper envelope…
Posted: 23rd, November 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment
Amy Winehouse And The Case Of The Dead Hamster
“GEORGIE was a birthday present and we’d got him out to play with in the morning,” says budding popstar Peter Pepper beneath the headline “Amy killed MY hamster”, this being the Mirror’s quotidian Amy Winehouse vignette.
“I’d been in bed, but Amy had stayed up and was still going strong and had drunk the drinks cabinet dry. The next thing I know, it bites me, runs off and Amy says she’ll catch it. I was a bit suspicious but she said she was good with hamsters.”
Amy Winehouse On Pets? This sounds like the makings of another anecdote, and with some work Mr Pepper may be able to fashion it into an album insert or pamphlet. But Pete is in full throat, and we should not interrupt.
Continue, please:
“But I went to out a plaster on my finger and by the time I came back Amy said she’d put it to bed and it was sleeping. But just hours later the hamster was stone cold and hard. I don’t know what she did to it – it was probably crack.”
Hamsters are, of course the stuff of celebrity folklore. And this tale will surely made a popular and useful addendum to the Richard Gere-Manual Fawlty legend.
“That day last year was quite traumatic,” says Mr Pepper. “Not only did I have to deal with a dead hamster, but for some reason Amy had also managed to unplug the freezer and flooded the whole kitchen and utility room.”
Fetch Poirot. A picture of the events is forming. Hamster. Escape. Fridge. Unplugged. Dead. Flood. And, yes, that was a popstar talking about his utility room…
Posted: 23rd, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Kate Moss Pops The Question
“WHO’S GOT THE DRUGS..” says the Mirror, words hanging alongside a picture of Kate Moss.
Grammarians will note the absence of the question mark. The headline might come equipped with a bony finger pointing at Moss’s head.
But that would be wrong. In “KATE MOSS PARTY SENSATION”, the paper says that “wild-eyed” Moss uttered the line in the direction of one Elliot Eastwick.
Mr Eastwick is at the party for jobbing Moss pal Davinia Taylor when he claims to have been approached by the model. “She was a total nightmare,” says Eastwick.
Kate Moss is, of course, a model by trade and Eastwick helpful tells us that “she had her hair in pigtails and was wearing tight wet-look leggings, a top and a black leather jacket”.
Those who want to get the Moss look may care to know that she is “sweaty, fidgety, and desperate to dance”.
Says DJ Elliot: “Kate pulled some poppers out of her handbag and starting snorting them in really heavily. It went straight to her head. You could see her loll as it took effect.”
Then Kate is said to have made her request, which now comes with the hitherto missing question mark. “I remember thinking, ‘God, Kate Moss just asked me for cocaine.”
Careers have been founded on far less starry moments. And it should be hoped that with his anecdote tucked onto his CV, DJ Elliot will make good and become a hit on the after-clubbing speaking circuit.
As for his DJ carer among the elite, we fear that may be a little less certain…
Picture: The Spine
Posted: 23rd, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Brolly Poor Show: Steve McClaren’s Plans Unfurl At The Lat
STEVE McClaren has been sacked from his berth as England manager and the Mail chooses today of all days to announce: “Forget the winter woollies. Over the next few months, a stout umbrella and sturdy raincoat are going to be more useful”.
Readers will need little reminding that the umbrella is the favoured motif of the aforesaid McClaren. David Beckham has tattoos, Jose Mourinho his Matalan coat and Alex Ferguson his chewing gum.
McClaren has his umbrella.
McClaren was always going to need a prop if he was going to cut it in the white heat of football branding. And at the death McClaren pulled out the umbrella, that most quintessential English device.
Had England only managed to hang on for a mighty draw, McClaren would have developed his brand, appearing with a Bob the Builder umbrella whenever blooded a young player, a see-through umbrella for every England goal and a golf umbrella when he and the team were at camp.
But ultimately it was too little too late.
McClaren now rests his parasol on his dry shoulders and walks off into the Caribbean sunset. And Umbrellas R Us seeks a knew ambassador…
Posted: 23rd, November 2007 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Spice Girls Are A Sketch Of Their Former Selves
NEWS that the Spice Girls are to be given a £2million makeover by “legendary fashion guru” Roberto Cavalli interests the Mirror.
The paper says the new look is a long way from the Girl Power image they once embodied. Now the women look “sassy, sophisticated as well as sexy”. Not to mention slim, svelte and skinny.
Says Cavalli: “I have known Victoria for a long time, and I always admired her style and personality.”
But there was always the danger that the designer would take his muse for the norm, believing Victoria to be the epitome of the Spice Girls body collective.
The result, as the picture shows, is that the rest of the gang will need to embark on a strenuous diet if they want to be dressed for their stage shows.
It might be kinder to replace Sporty, Baby, Scary and Ginger with four more versions of Vicky, each showing a Beckham hairstyle through the ages and trying to hit a signature note…
Posted: 22nd, November 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)
Amy Winehouse’s Spot Of Relief
PRAISE for Amy Winehouse in Anorak Towers. Years of looking up Kate Moss’s nose have given us not only an inferiority complex but created the impression that all nose insides look the same.
This is not the case, a truth revealed on the Sport’s foremost page. The illustration for “AMY AND THE £16K A DAY DRUGS DEALERS” is a serf’s eye view of the Winehouse right nostril.
Inside and there is a shot of the Winehouse left nostril, which adds a neat balance to the shock story “Pop star takes drugs”.
Winehouse is the Sun’s “AMY WHITENOSE”. The Mirror opts for the lyrical: “They tried to make me go to rehab.. I said nose nose nose.”
But since Winehouse has only one nose (so far) the lyric is misleading. And she has, of course, been to rehab, a notorious place believed full of drugs takers, sex addicts and committed drinkers.
Not going to rehab and mixing with such persons is sage advice. Amy should be applauded…
Posted: 22nd, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
DataGate: Good News In Identity Fraud Debacle
GOOD news and more good news to follow the shocker that the Government has lost the personal details and more than 25million Britons.
No, not the Guardian’s front-page story “Data fiasco forces ministers into ID cards review”, nor the Times’ lead story that “thousands” of us have changed our PIN codes “over fraud fears”.
The good news is on the Independent’s cover: “DATAGATE DAY 2 * – THEY’VE GOT YOUR NUMBER.. AND YOUR ADDRESS, YOUR BANK DETAILS, YOUR TAX RECORDS, YOUR CRIMINAL CONVICTIONS, YOUR HEALTH HISTORY, YOUR DNA PROFILE, YOUR…”
Supporters of England football team will thrill to the realisation that they have your number. You might get THE CALL.
But the still better news is in light of the Express’s story: “Love thy neighbour? We don’t even know them.”
Only now we do. We know all about them. And it’s all thanks to Gordon Brown putting the social in socialism…
* In light of the Independent’s move to have the data debacle classified as “DATAGATE”, Anorak looks at some other ‘–gates’:
Camillagate – Charles, Prince of Wales and Camilla Parker-Bowles discuss tampons
Cheriegate — Cherie Blair’s association with Carole Caplin, and through her to Peter Foster. “Curse of ‘Cheriegate’ strikes again” – The Scotsman
Squidgygate — Princess Diana on the blower
Blobbygate — applied to a dispute between Noel Edmonds and Lancaster City Council
Fourgate – Sky Sports News describes an incident in which a quartet of England rugby players criticise coach Brian Ashton
Grannygate – Republic of Ireland footballer Stephen Ireland lies about the deaths of both his grandmothers in order to miss a match against Slovakia
Nannygate — British Cabinet member David Blunkett allegedly fast tracks a visa application for his family’s nanny
Sharongate —EastEnders love triangle between Grant, Sharon, and Phil – BBC
Svengate — “FA director Davies accused of sexual harassment” – Reuters
Also: GarethGates, NottingHillGate, DepartureGate…
Posted: 22nd, November 2007 | In: Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Princess Diana’s Five Lovers: A Play
“DIANA: FIVE LOVERS NAMED,” says the Mail’s front-page headline.
“THE FIVE LOVERS” is not the title of the latest book on the life of the celebrity Princess – “afterwards deified” –an attempt to give her life a classical Seutonian bent.
It is, rather, a look at some of the lovers Diana experienced during her lifetime.
Interestingly only one of the five has written a book on the Princess. James Hewitt, (“Cavalry Man!”) has penned Moving On, which opens: “I had started a new life. My army career was over after seventeen years and I was now running the Eversfield Manor Equitation Centre in Devon.”
He also wrote Love and War, a book that features the Princess Diana quote on its cover page: “Yes, I adored him. Yes, I was in love with him.”
Readers may imagine those words to have been directed at Hewitt, but they could just as easily be applied to James Gilbey (Squidgy”), Oliver Hoare (“Art dealer”), Will Carling (“rugby star”) and Barry Mannakee, (“Bodyguard”).
The Express leads with “HOW THE PALACE DISAPPROVED OF DIANA’S LOVER”.
Diana’s former private secretary Michael Gibbons tells the inquest into his former employer’s death that he detected “disapproval” from within the royal circles.
Gibbons has yet to pen a book on his thoughts, but Diana: A Gentleman Caller and Diana: Quick – The Window! a bedroom farce in five acts cannot be too long in the offing…
Posted: 22nd, November 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (19)
Video Of Police Buying Cigarettes For Hoodies
WITH cigarette machines now removed from playgrounds and classrooms, it has become increasingly problematic for the young to obtain tobacco by conventional means.
The result of Anorak’s study are not yet confirmed, but early signs indicate that 32% of shandy drinkers, 41% of Blue Peter viewers and a whopping 68% of hopscotch enthusiasts have been forced into their new habits by the lack of available fags.
Now the Sun brings a video to our attention. The tape appears to show a police officer on a “rundown” estate in Wellingborough, Northants, popping to the shops to buy cigarettes for a groups of “underage hoodies”.
She delivers the smokes with the line: “They didn’t have Lambert & Butler, so I go you B&H Silver instead.” Replies the hoody: Thank you.” The Sun says he “mutters”, such is the way of teenagers.
Now the paper says “cops are probing” the video footage of this incident.
Via the Metro newspaper, Superintendent Pete Windridge, the area operations commander, says: “Dealing with these types of incidents can be tricky and officers have to use their discretion when doing so. However, the approach taken in dealing with this incident does not accord to our force policy and we accept we have a moral obligation not to encourage smoking among young people.”
Alternative vices are also frowned upon…
Posted: 21st, November 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Chantelle And Preston’s Big Brother Divorce
IT was always going to be a bold step when Chantelle Houghton gave up her career as a promising Paris Hilton look-alike to marry Preston and become a “celebrity couple”.
But things have not worked out. Chantelle’s place as Big Brother strumpet-at-large has been usurped by Chanelle, who we expect to be in time challenged by Mintel, Novotel and Kiss’n’tell.
And news reaches us, via the Sun, that Chatelle is to officially split from Preston, their divorce coming through 16 months after their OK! photoshoot.
Since the split, some six months ago – tragically before the OK! 1st anniversary photospread in Marbella – Preston has been dating his former love, French “beauty” Camille Aznar, and Chantelle has been seeing one Chris Neal, formerly of Big Brother housemate Nikki Grahame ‘n’ Chris repute.
We wish them well…
Posted: 21st, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Pete Doherty And Amy Winehouse: The Album
“PETE: ME & AMY – Druggie stars ‘speak every day’.”
This is encouraging news. Although what Pete Doherty (“junkie”) and Amy Winehouse (“addict”) manage to say is unspecified in the Sun’s report.
We expect the pair will save the contents of their chats an album, which will retail for a bargain “Whatever change you can spare” and play for hours and hours and hours and hours and…
Posted: 21st, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Mick Jagger’s Little Red Booster
TO show that age has not withered him, Mick Jagger is showcasing a new look.
The Mail zooms in on Jagger’s right wrist and notes not a copper anti-arthritis bracelet, a big-hand watch nor a tissue tucked up a sleeve, but a red string.
The Mail assures readers that this is a kabbalah bracelet, and promises to protect the wearer from all manner of ill, pain, chaos and suffering.
Although more likely it is a souvenir thong taken from one of his many conquests…
Posted: 21st, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Gemma Atkinson Lock Lips In The Celebrity Jungle
NEWS that the Daily Star is among the tens of people still watching goings on in the I’m A Celebrity jungle reaches the paper’s front page.
“JUNGLE GEMMA’S LESBIAN SHOCKER,” says the paper. “And it’s all caught on camera.”
Chances are this encounter occurred at night, and readers should expect grainy images similar to those that exposed pop acorn Peter Andre’s amour for Jordan.
But this is the full colour affair. Indeed, a film has been made of Gemma’s clinch with Jamie Winstone, daughter to “movie hardman” Ray Winstone.
Jaime is not in the jungle (that’s Chris Biggins) but she is in a new film with Gemma called Boogie Woogie. And in one scene Gemma and Jaime kiss.
“Afterwards I felt a bit ‘Ooww’ and when I got home I felt a bit abused,” says Gemma.
Catch Gemma on tonight’s show where she will be eating a crocodile’s penis and kangaroo’s testicles…
Posted: 21st, November 2007 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (3)
Black And White Balls: Kate Moss’s Pal Plays The Amex Card
A CLUE perhaps to we who have watched with interest Kate Moss, Peter Doherty and others taking what appear to be “drugs”.
We looked at the sometimes grainy pictures and made notes. We learnt about “lines” chopping”, “snorting” and “spoons”.
The tabloids have been nothing if not educational in the ways of drugs and their paraphernalia. And in the Sun there is news from Davinia Taylor’s 30th birthday party.
Taylor is exclusively known for being friends with Kate Moss and being called Davinia. And on the occasion of Taylor’s party the Sun spots the birthday girl dispensing invitations in the form of black American Express credit cards, each bearing the legend: “USE CARD ACCORDINGLY.”
The Sun wonders: “Whatever could that mean?” Right now, we imagine some selfless hack is investigating, possibly with the aid of his Nectar card and a decent felt tip…
Posted: 20th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Steve And Sunita Are The Met’s Police Pals
A QUESTION to football fans: have you seen Steve? When you were last being corralled and told to “Sit Down” did you see Steve?
The Mail has a picture of Steve. He looks like Steve King, the blonde, blue-eyed Sutton borough police community support officer. You know Steve, the one with the huge foam face, implacable eyes and perma-grin. Steve’s the copper the Met uses to remind children that the Foam Tops are your friends and not all after your alcopops.
Children may burst into tears upon seeing Steve. But Steve cannot work alone. Gurus at police headquarters have now equipped Steve with a girlfriend called Sunita. They are Police Pals.
Steve and Sunita are Britain’s first Safer Neighbourhood Team, created by the force’s Diversity Citizen Focus Directorate.
They make a fine pair. And would-be villains will tread warily with them on the beat.
So too children, who will be reminded that should they step out of line Steve And Sunita will pound their dreams, watching all the time and never pausing to blink.
Keep ’em peeled…
Bush Tucker Tuck: What’s Eating Janice Dickinson
ONE fact you may not know about I’m A Celebrity agonist Janice Dickinson is that she has had “everything done”. Not everything done for her – Janice is not Jungle Queen yet! – rather everything done to her.
As the Star reports, Janice has spent £60,000 having her teeth sorted out. “Now they are perfect,” she opines. “My face is my fortune.”
Indeed, what with the cost of the teeth, nose, eyes, lips and hair, Janice is worth more in part then in her entirety.
But what about levelling the playing field? Who’s for a game of Bush Tucker Tuck, in which viewers vote for which of the gang they want to undergo a procedure?
Off cuts can then be fed to the other contestants in a delightful stew made by on-hand chef John (who may be called upon to eat himself!)…
Heather Mills Milks It For Charity, And A Rat
HEATHER Mills is in Speakers’ Corner, Hyde Park:
She arrives for the launch of a Viva campaign in a Mercedes 4×4. The engine is kept running, say reports.
Says Mills: “The startling truth is that animals farmed for met and dairy are now one of the greatest threats to the planet.
Stick with it…
“The United Nations last year issued a shocking report on the environmental damage being done by livestock.
“I became a vegetarian for health reasons. Then I found out about the awful animal abuse in factory farms and dairy herds and became vegan.
“The easiest and most effective way of cutting our contribution is to change our diet and go vegan. It is that simple.”
And:
“We are the only species that drinks another creature’s milk so why aren’t we drinking rats’ milk, dogs’ milk or cats’ milk? That is how crazy it is.”
Can you milk a rat? That question to you, Sir Paul ‘Meaty’ McCartney, allegedly…
Posted: 19th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Michael Parkinson First Victim Of David Beckham Effect
IT is inevitable that the retirement of David Beckham from frontline football should trigger a domino effect.
Hairdressers will be forced to haul down images of the icon, and Man Tan of Croydon will be impelled to offer an OAP rate on the once ubiquitous Beckham back, sack and crack, as part of the Surrey townscape as Anthea turner, concrete and bull bars.
Michael Parkinson, 72, may be one to take up the offer, in a desperate bid to keep Beckham in trend.
But it will be nought, and Parky knows it. As the Mirror reports, with Becks on his way out, Parkinson has decided it is time he too should step down.
Granted Victoria Beckham is still practising, but, unlike David, there is only so much you can say about Vicky’s hair, voice and chest.
Fittingly, David Beckham will feature on Parky’s last sand, a TV spectacular that will also see us wave a hearty adieu to Jamie Calum, Peter Kay, Dame Judi Dench, Sir Michael Caine, Dame Edna Everage, Sir David Attenborough and Billy Connolly.
Once David has let the stage, the other guests and their host will step away from the limelight, realising that it is time for a new breed to talk about the new Beckham…
Posted: 19th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Gordon Brown’s GMTV Wake-Up Work-Out With Fiona Phillips
THAT the country needs a make-over has not escaped Gordon Brown, who has had his teeth done, given up smoked kippers and lost some timber by way of an example to one and all.
But it might not be enough and if Gordon is to achieve any frontline celebrity’s life’s aim and score a presenting spot on GMTV he needs help. He needs Fiona Phillips.
As the Mail reports, Brown wanted GMTV presenter Phillips for his team, to be part of his Government “for all the talents”.
To those of you not au fait with GMTV, Phillips’ talents are too manifold to list here but are thought to include smiling, grinning and both raising and lowering her eyebrows in a way that conveys a lively mind met with a caring heart and approachability.
It is said Mr Brown did offer Miss Phillips a job as “a health minister” and a peerage. Lord Fiona Of The Sofa.
And the offer was not founded on barren ground. It was Phillips who once opined in the Indy, somewhat modestly: “How people can say they’re not interested and don’t like politics is always a bit beyond me.” She then worked out: “Politics is what we live in.”
Brown can learn from her. And Learning is a two-way street. As a health minister Phillips would note that we live in our skin, an organ that with a decent exfoliate and Labour prime minister can glow.
Look out for Mad Gordon’s Wake-Up Work-Out, Gordon Sunshine weather girl, Dr Gordon’s Clinic, Psychic Gordon’s Horoscopes and much, much more…
Posted: 19th, November 2007 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (2)
