Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Wag The Player: Abbey Clancy Best It For England
IT’S not often the world of football encroaches on the life of a Wag but when called upon the girls can step up to be counted.
This is England’s hour of need, and with official shopping trips to Switzerland and Austria at stake next summer, Abbey Clancy wants to ensure her footballer does not let a nation down.
“I’ll inspire my Crouchie to score,” says Abbey Clancy from a position of defiance on the Star’s cover page. The vow is given added weight and direction within the paper as Abbey says: “I’ll help my Crouchie score for England.”
Ms Clancy promises to make Peter Crouch, England footballer, “ready, willing and able” for England.
This is, of course, part of a fully functioning Wag-footballer relationship. Not too long ago, Crouchy approached the serving hatch on Marco Pirre White’s Hell’s Kitchen and gave his lover the come on in the celebrity cooking arena.
Sadly, Crouchy failed to inspire his lover’s hunger for cooking and her fish pie lost out to Barry McGuigan’s potato. Now Abbey wants to cheer her lover on.
But she has learnt much from the experience. And we expect from Abbey much chest beating and cries of “We went to Barbados last year you useless string of spaghetti!”
Posted: 19th, November 2007 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Celebrity Fake Bake: Sophie Anderton’s Vice Shame
“I’M great at sex,” says Sophie Anderton. “I’ll look great on your f***ing arm. I’m a supermodel.”
Anderton is billed in the Sun as the “former I’m A Celebrity star”. It should not pass unnoticed that Anderton has also featured in a pro-celebrity capacity on Cirque de Celebrité, Love Island and Fear Factor.
Anderton also, for a period, operated as a Wag, being the one-time squeeze of former Chelsea and Manchester United goalkeeper Mark Bosnich.
Many thought there was little left for Anderton to do. With all the seats on celebrity judging panels occupied, and Celebrity Soap Opera not yet commissioned, the real fear was that Sophie had nowhere left to exercise her fame and show us the real Sophie Anderton.
But then the New of the World came calling, and Anderton is now the recipient of the headline “Vice shame Sophie loses £100k deal”.
“Exposed as a drug-pushing prostitute” by the News of the World’s man in a hotel room, Anderton has been dropped as the “face” of Fake Bake.
The opportunities for Ms Anderton to reinvigorate a flagging career are now endless, as she sits on daytime telly sofas.
And makes ready to star in Celebrity Fake Baked, a show in which she and the “dream ticket” Tara Palmer-Tomkinson go to parties and see which celebs are on drugs and which are only pretending to be…
Posted: 19th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
I”m A Celebrity Stars Threaten To Bore
“JUNGLE stars have been blackmailing show bosses into giving them secret treats,” says the Star on life in the I’m A Celebrity clearing.
“They warned producers that unless they get their way they will turn the show into a huge bore”
And what disaster if that happenzzzzzz
Posted: 19th, November 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)
Getting Wind Of Heather Mills And Stella McCartney
ANTHEA Turner apart, no celebrity smells the same all the time. There are a million different scents for a million different celebrity moments.
Does an Oscar ceremony smell the same as a Bafta Awards do or the private hire car taking an EastEdners actress to the Soap Star Superstar after show party? Not a chance.
Scent enthusiasts await the arrival of Bath Time by Paris Hilton. And we read in the Mirror of the smell of Stella McCartney.
Stella comes in four blends. Stella McCartney Sheer Stella (top notes of Stella’s bed and pillow), Stella McCartney Stella (bottom notes of Stella’s brunch of aubergine and garlic dip), Stella McCartney Stella In Two (what Stella smell like when she watches daytime telly) and Stella McCartney Stella Rose Absolute (Two parts Sheer Stella to one part vodka with mid-notes of salt ‘n’ vinegar crisps).
And it comes to our attention that Heather Mills wanted some of Stella’s smell. Perhaps if brave Heather could smell like a flesh and blood McCartney others would be more accepting of her role?
Heather wanted the smell of Stella to feature at a gala do she was organising. But Stella declined. Says Heather’s publicist Michele Elyzabeth: “What would that have cost her? Nothing. But we didn’t beg. Elizabeth Arden donated.”
Perfume aficionados will note that Ms Arden has been passed a number of years. And though her innate and earthy odour is surely seductive to some there is real fear it will engender the wearer with the stench of decay.
And Heather Mills has so very much to offer…
Posted: 18th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Paris Hilton’s Dirty Bath Video
PARIS Hilton has been to hell and back. Now she comes clean about all things in the News of the World’s clip of her in a bath.
Dirty “Paris jokes about her sex video scandals, swims around in the huge bath of bubbles and soaks herself with a bendy shower head.”
“It’s her dirtiest video yet,” say fans. “Nothing’s dirtier than this,” says other. “Bang!” says another. “Bang!” But nothing can shift so much dirt.
Bang! (RRP: £19.99)
Posted: 18th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)
Gemma Atkinson’s Gets A Lift
“BUSTY Gemma Atkinson certainly knows how to take wild sex to a different level,” says the news of the World in “Gemma Atkinson in balcony romp”.
“Then another level, and then another…”
Karl Benion chooses today to tell us how “jungle-hot Gemma” gave him the “elevator ride” of his life followed by “SPANKING romps on a balcony” during a “steamy” two-month fling.
Readers will have noted use of the world “elevator”, an Americanism that does nothing to detract from the story, in fact it might even add a soupcon of added exoticism to the spicy tableau.
Karl was on holiday in Majorca, “when the ex-Hollyoaks star pounced” (that’s Gemma).
Says Karl, (“grins”): “We’d been out clubbing and were in the lift on our way back to my apartment when she suddenly went wild and started ripping my clothes off. She was wearing very little herself. I ended up with one hand jammed against the ‘stop’ button between floors…and the other was, well, quite full!”
Our working knowledge of lifts would have Karl beginning at the Ground floor, or the G Spot as he would have it. He then works his way up to the H Spot, I Spot and J Spot before reaching the penthouse.
Gemma and Karl are no longer together. And she’s now back with Charlton Athletic striker Bent, a team in the second floor of English football…
Posted: 18th, November 2007 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment
Fit And Proper: Welsh Woman Barred From Entering New Zealand
WITH New Zealand’s Fat Swap show scouting for contestants, there was reason to believe Rowan Trezise would have been welcomed into the country with wide open arms.
But Welsh girl Rowan has been told that she does not fit in with New Zealand’s image and must loose weight if she is to enter, much less fit in.
Employing the rigours of the (Fit And Proper Person) Body Mass Index, a fat measurement system based on height and weight, Kiwis ordered Rowan and her portly husband Richie to run along and return fitter and more suited.
Richie ran. He lost the pounds. He retook the test. He passed. He scored a visa. And he left to start a new life in New Zealand.
And now Rowan has until Christmas to comply. If she fails Richie will return to Britain, as he says.
Says she: “The immigration department can’t afford to import people who are going to be a significant drain on our health resources.”
Now, as the Sun reports, Rowan is “weighting” to go.The only shame is that Mrs Trezise is not the subject of a docusoap, viewers looking on as “larger than life” Rowan is put though her paces by an American drill sergeant from Guantanamo Bay.
And our host, Les Dennis, says now he knows why Kiwi birds can’t get off the ground…
Posted: 17th, November 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (6)
Global Warming: Sahara The Seal
FINDING new and imaginative ways to work global warming into a story leads the Mail to Sahara the seal.
The clue is in the name, because Sahara, a hooded seal, has not been in the Arctic but off the coast of Morocco.
Found on a beach in Morocco, scientists took Sahara to the National Seal Sanctuary in Cornwall and fitted him with a satellite tracking system.
Once back in the water, the scientists were able to watch him swim to the coast of Spain.
Says the Mail: “Sahara’s latest trip south has baffled scientists, who are wondering whether global warming could be to blame.”
Such is man’s impact on nature and wildlife…
Posted: 16th, November 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Britney Spears Looses It For Daytime Telly
BRITNEY Spears has yet to appear on the Jeremy Kyle show, talking about her broken marriages, her location-named children (Sean PRESTON and Jayden JAMES, site of the James Town massacre) and her drugs and self-esteem ishoos.
Britney is circling life’s plughole, ideal fodder to sit on an office-style chair before a live studio of her peers making eyes at the warm-up man and marveling at how you can get wine (both sorts) in cardboard boxes, and be told to “SORT IT OUT!” by shouty Kyle.
But now Britney has lost weight, or had lipo as the Mirror tells it in “BRITNEY (SMALLER) REARS”. And as TV watchers know, Kyle likes the women on his show to be the size of a mid-range family hatchback.
So Britney must look elsewhere for her TV outings. Perhaps a showing on Loose Women, the panel program where moaners who look like the Spice Girls will in ten years time, discuss men (awful) and going to the toilet (challenging).
Where will we next see Britney on British telly, other than on the 10 ‘clock news bulletin, naturally..?
Posted: 16th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
The Most Pointless Celebrity On Planet Earth
IN light of Anorak’s research, the Mail produces its own formula, this one for anyone wishing to “CALCULATE A CELEBRITY’S POINTLESSNESS”.
The formula takes onboard cash, band value, Google index, publicity, delinquency factor, actual talent and personal qualities.
The sums done, the Mail says the most pointless celebrity in the land, if not the world, is Peter Andre, aka Pete Andre, known to millions as the Singing Acorn, the shining example of manhood who put the Glo in Morning Glory as he climbed into Jordan’s hammock.
Many will of course beg to differ, it being the seventh rule of celebrity that coming bottom is coming top, if not the new coming top – just as up is the new down, going out is the new staying in and Anthea Turner is the new Viagra.
Expect appeals from Victoria Hervey, Sophie Anderton, Paul Danan, Chantelle, Kerry Katona and, how can we forget, whatshisface…
Look out for the 100 Most Pointless Celebrities on Channel 4
Posted: 16th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Amy Winehouse Re-Hydrates In Birmingham
THE Sun’s picture of Amy Winehouse dinking a class or orange juice only adds to her allure.
So talented is Winehouse – writing in the Sun, Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber calls her the “new Ella Fitzgerald” in a “Judy Garland-style” – that it would come as no surprise to learn that she is taking on a mouthful of juice in readiness to gargle her hit song “Rehab” in the manner of The Tin Man.
But the fluids may serve another purpose: hydration. The Mirror says Winehouse was in “meltdown” before her appearance at Birmingham’s National Indoor Arena.
She is “wailing in despair”. On stage, the Mirror notes she is propped up by her band as she “almost collapsed in tears”.
As a fan says: “She was demanding drinks the whole time. She could barely sing.”
Much less cry or work up a sweat…
Posted: 16th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
We’ve Never Had It So Big: VJ Day For UK Women
NIKKALA, 24, Middlesex, is noticeably mute on the subject that occupies two pages of the Sun.
As the paper announces: “AS M&S MAKE THEIR BIGGEST BRA WE CELEBRATE Loverly Jubblies”.
Marks and Spencer is “trialling” its biggest ever cup: the J. And by way of an aide to recognition, the paper produces a full size J Cup, which is “colossal”.
The one disappointment is that the woman carrying this gargantuan Jordan is not revealed in her entirety. As the Sun says, “For most of us, big breasts mean big fun.” Palm-size permitting, we can handle it.
The Star illustrates the urgency of the J-Cup with a shot of three braless women. Although on close examination, we note that neither Lucy, Sophie nor Malene need a J-cup. But their show of support for women who have been forced to wait is admirable.
Of course, biggest is not always best. And the Mail’s Femail pages (not health?) sets out to examine why Britain’s women’s figure are getting so much “fuller”. There are accompanying shots of nine women viewed in relief.
The Mail finds it hard to find a single reason for the increased profiles. And we note that while the UK is tops for tops it is also tops for bottoms, thighs and stomachs.
Look out for that in a special five-page pull-out…
Middle-Class GCSE Pupils Take Drugs And Drink
NEWS in the Mail that a “third of GCSE pupils gets drunk” is illustrated by a picture of three 12-year-olds sipping cans of the imported larger Stella.
Ask your mum, but GCSEs were once the educational rite of every 16-year-old. News that they are now taken by booze-soaked pre-teens suggests the tests have gotten easier and/or the youth have got a lot smarter.
But rather than investigate this, the Mail says more than fifth of young teens “abuse drugs or solvents every month”.
The word abuse counters any notion that the smoking of weed and drinking of brandy is for more medicinal purposes, or indeed to improve the tykes’ prowess in the classroom.
The Mail’s key statistic is rooted in a poll of 111,000 pupils. The Mail says the most common drug tried is cannabis, followed by cocaine, LSD and ecstasy.
Because you can always trust a child you says they are stoned or “trippin’” their face off, the Mail is concerned. And its readers should be too, because a Dr David Regis, of Exeter University, has conducted another study. He found that “middle-class pupils were just as likely…to experiment with drink or drugs”.
Of course, being middle-class is entirely conducive to taking drugs and boozing, and for many students’ mums and dads it is the highlight of a magnolia-hued life.
What is more, with more money there is reason to think that middle-class GSCE pupils will indulge in more expensive drugs and adventurous drinks.
But that for another survey…
Waving A Careful Adieu To Abu Hamza
A MIXED reception at Anorak Towers to the news that hook-handed, one –eyed Abu Hamza is “moving a step closer to the departure lounge for Extradition Airways” (Indy).
Hamza is the “ranting hook-handed preacher of hate” the Express hears being told he should stand trial in the US.
Hamza is to face 11 charges in the US, says the Express. It’s nine, says the Mirror. Nine, says the Sun. Eleven, says the Mail.
Bingo, says the Sun. It’s a “triumph for common sense”.
“Hook off and don’t come back,” says the Star’s headline.
And many will feel it right that he should go. But others will be uncertain.
With Hamza gone, who will be the gurning face of Britain’s Islamic lunatic fringe?
And who will inspire the tabloids to such dizzying heights as evidenced in the Daily Sport’s: “HAMZA CROSS THE WATER”?
Posted: 16th, November 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Peter Doherty Snorts At Gemma Atkinson
AFTER Gemma Atkinson’s jungle shower, the second biggest story in the Mirror is that Germma Atkinson has a bikini. The third biggest story is that Pete Doherty has taken drugs.
The story is, of course, history in the happening. And in time to come Doherty and his “cocaine” will find a place in the showbiz annals amid Arthur Askey Vic’s Inhaler and Liberace’s taste for Linctus.
Historians will be keen to know how Doherty took these drugs, and, as ever, the Mirror is keen to reveal all.
Note Doherty’s “tracksuit”, his “silver tray” and the “kitchen counter” he is “perched” upon. All vital drugs paraphernalia.
Doherty “chops” the substance into five “massive lines” and “snorts” them though a rolled up sheet of paper. He then “stares glassily into the camera”.
A bit like Gemma Atkinson, only more so…
Posted: 15th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Stop The CLass Act: Pikeys, Chavs And ‘Doing A Burberry’
FOR some time now we have been told that we live in a “classless society”. In fact John Major (ask your dad) even made it part of his vision of the future.
But now there are signs that this tiresome charade is coming to an end, and the newspapers can get back to what they do best: demarcating the social strata of British society. That is to say, fawning on those above them and dispensing ordure on the lower orders – or “pikeys” and “chavs” as they sometimes prefer to call them.
Today’s Daily Mail, for example, runs a two-page feature on Stella Artois. Stella’s slogan is “reassuringly expensive”, but that hasn’t stopped it from “doing a Burberry” and becoming synonymous with troublemakers. Its street-name is Wife Beater, and one publican complains that since switching to Stella, his pub has become a magnet for young people and “builders and labourers”.
Meanwhile the Telegraph puts a spin on a story about rude policemen. While other papers simply report the large numbers of complaints about police incivility, the last of the broadsheets opts for the headline: “Rise in middle-class complaints about police”.
What a relief, then, to breathe in the fresh air of the Daily Star, unspoiled by snobbery and pretension. Here, HRH Prince Harry is just another “ginger binger” and a rise in beer prices is treated not as a bloody liberty rather than a boost for law and order.
Makes you proud to be British.
Posted: 15th, November 2007 | In: Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Go West: Security Minister Checks In At Gordon Brown’s Big Hotel
HAVING learned that getting into the UK is easy, staying here even simpler and working illegally fine, unless the Home Office thinks the media say otherwise, the Mail brings new for those trying to leave.
“THE AIRPORT INQUISTION,” says the paper’s front-page headline. “Travellers must answer 53 questions before going abroad.”
Clever stuff from the Gordon Brown, who mindful of Mail headlines that we are leaving the place in our droves – yesterday the Mail said 3milion Britons will be fleeing over Christmas to escape reality TV – the plan is to check us on the way out.
It is a policy beloved by hotels. You arrive calling yourself whatever you choose. You avail yourself of the facilities. And when you leave you are asked to provide your correct name, address and payment details.
As the Mail says, security officials are the borders will ask for your credit card details, holiday contact numbers and email address (tick the box to receive details of new promotions, special offers and amnesties). It is part of the what the Express calls “Fortress Britain”.
And there will be questions. When answering, the trick is to be consistent and give the Government-sanctioned reply.
But way of a working example, the Mail reproduces the words of one Lord West, the Security Minister.
The question put to him is: Is the Lord convinced by the Prime Minister’s argument that the current detention limit of 28 days should be increased?
Lord West (it is 8:13 am): “I still need to be fully convinced that we absolutely need more than 28 days and I also need to be convinced what is the best way of doing that.”
An uneasy shuffle. Gordon Brown appears. Lord West is led into a room. The snap of rubber gloves is heard.
Lord West (9:15am): “My feeling is, yes, we need more than 28 days.”
Can you be more certain? Snap!
Lord West 9:50am: “I am quite clear that the greater complexities of terrorist plots will mean that we will need the power to detain certain individuals for more than 28 days.”
You are free to go. Free to come. But you may never leave this place…
Posted: 15th, November 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Romp And Circumstance: Army Drops The Hay Barrow
DON’T know about you, but we find that a lesbian romp really brightens up a gloomy Thursday morning. And here’s the trusty Star to help us out.
“LESBIAN ROMP MADE ME DROP HAY BARROW!” shouts the no-nonsense organ.
Hay Barrow? Who’s she – some new soap queen?
No, that’s hay barrow as in wheelbarrow, and the dropper was Gunner Ashley Yeats.
While going about his business the unfortunate stable boy claims he stumbled upon Lance Bombardier Kerry Fletcher and Corporal Louise Ashman going about THEIR business – ie, having a lesbian romp.
“I did not say anything,” says Yeats, who then dropped the barrow. Very sensible too – he could now secretly film the romp on his mobile phone and post it to his mates or send it to the Star. This is what military personnel are trained to do in these situations.
But no, not a bit of it. It was embarrassment that prompted his actions. Having put down his barrow, he put his head down so as not to look and left the stable immediately.
Forget all that about being proud to be British. It’s ruined our breakfast.
Smart Money: Get The Wayne Rooney Look At Asda
YESTERDAY, we reported upon the Sun’s bizarre attempt to portray Wayne Rooney as a “toff”. (He drinks wine and is taking two GCSEs, you see.) To help us grasp the concept, the paper helpfully mocked up a picture of the wealthy young autodidact sporting a top hat and monocle.
But how are we non-toffs supposed to emulate the new Rooney look? More easily than you might think. For a mere 35 quid, in fact.
We’re not talking about a replica United shirt either (that’ll set you back £39.99). No, we are talking Asda dinner suits. Or to be more precise, the “George at Asda” dinner suit.
Who’s that then, George the Hoffmeister bear? Do you get a pork pie hat thrown in?
Well no, but the Telegraph’s Hilary Alexander does warn purchasers not to stand under too strong a light, as “the polyester viscose fabric does tend to shine”. She also adds that there’s no need to worry if the waiter spills soup down the front, or you “fall into the gutter on your way home”.
She admits that the jacket is fully lined and the finishing is good, but doesn’t shed any light on the detail that concerns us most. Asda ads feature a series of satisfied customers patting their back pockets, which jingle with the pennies that they have saved at the famously value-for-money supermarket.
So where is the well-dressed Asda customer to stuff the hundreds of pounds saved on tailoring without ruining the line of this extraordinary new wipe-down suit?
Posted: 15th, November 2007 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment
Daily Mail Goes Nuts For Paris Hilton
THAT Paris Hilton is pointless and not worthy of comment is something the Mail is keen to convey to its readers.
The paper says Time magazine is considering using Hilton to illustrate Pointless Celebrity in its Phenomenon of 2007 feature.
But before that, the paper brings news from the newswires that Mail readers looking elsewhere would surely have missed, distracted by the story of a red squirrel in Ullswater that can swim (Says Frank Marshall, an eyewitness: “No one believes me when I tell them what happened. I’m just glad I had my camera with me”).
To the breaking story: “In a Nov 13 story The Associated Press incorrectly reported that Paris Hilton was praised by conservationists for highlighting the problem of binge-drinking elephants in north-eastern India.
“Lori Berk, a publicist for Hilton, said he never made any comment about helping drunken elephants in India.”
This is the celebrity denial at work. It is a mainstay of the red-top press. But not the Mail, which frowns upon such things…
You Decide What A Big Brother Star Is Good For
CHANELLE Hayes is for hire. The Big Brother star emeritus will appear in a Star reader’s place of work for one whole day. Free.
“It’s bound to turn your mates green with envy if you walk in with the 20-year-old beauty on your arm,” says the paper. And greener still when you invite her to sit down at your work pod, log her into your PC put her typing, filing and tea-making skills to the test.
Chanelle is advised to give this on-the-job training scheme her all, and help to answer the question: What is a reality TV star good for?
Your suggestions please. Best reply wins Chanelle, or cash equivalent…
Posted: 15th, November 2007 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (5)
Two GCSEs Wayne: Manchester Utd’s Rooney Mugs Up On English And Maths
ANOTHER day, another attempt to squeeze a cheap laugh out of the mighty Wayne Rooney.
The Sun sports a picture of the Man United star wearing a top hat and monocle. Have a guess why.
No, it’s not a plug for a forthcoming ad in which Rooney plays Fred Astaire.
It’s a mocked-up picture to illustrate the story that Wayne is studying for GCSEs in English and maths, and is also learning to play the guitar.
It’s apparently all connected to Alex Ferguson’s suggestion that he do something constructive with his spare time. The guitar is supposed to help him control his temper (well it worked for Pete Townshend, Sid Vicious, Keith Richards and the rest – they hardly ever hit fans with their guitars). Ferguson himself learned the piano in an attempt to quell his fiery character, but fortunately he wasn’t able to lift it high enough to throw it at anyone.
Rooney’s new-found interest in learning is surely to be praised. Yet the Sun’s attitude is strangely sniffy. Wayne, it says, is “going all intellectual”. It is “the latest proof that Manchester United and England striker Rooney, 22, is turning into a bit of a TOFF.”
OK, let’s get this straight. He’s wearing a monocle because he’s a toff. And he’s a toff because he’s studying for two GCSEs.
No, we still don’t get it. Can you help, readers?
Posted: 14th, November 2007 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Amy Winehouse Cracks As Blake Sobs
AMY Winehouse looked “pail and painfully thin” as she arrived at Pentonville prison, where husband Blake Fielder-Civil is housed.
Indeed, it is encouraging to note that Winehouse has not altered, the jailing, however temporary, of her husband not affecting her trademark look.
The Sun notes that her “lips are horribly cracked”, which may be a pun as readers learn that this is a “symptom sometimes associated with crack cocaine abuse”.
Cracking in the corners of the mouth (angular cheilitis) is fairly common. It can be due to repeated wetting and drying and it may help to use a lip salve to keep lips moist, an anti-fungal gel or find a less drying recreational drug.
Blake should take care to moisture, as the Sun says he has spent the first days of his incarceration sobbing. He has been nicknamed Soft Boy, by his news pals.
He needs to toughen up. Anorak recommends a vinegar-based rub…
Posted: 14th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Heather Mills Is Fishing For Compliments
HEATHER Mills has been getting rather hot under the collar lately, claiming that the press are out to get her. Which is a near-perfect example of a self-fulfilling prophesy.
Today, the Sun gives “Lady Mucca” a routine kicking on page three.
“Mucca is talking CARP” it declares (think about it). “FISH WEBSITE IS AS POPULAR.”
As popular as what?
As popular as Mills’s own website, which, the paper informs us, is “only the 242,174th most viewed in the UK – around the same as specialist carp.com”.
There’s worse to come: “More than a third of visitors – 36 per cent – were not even based in the UK.”
Ugh! Makes you all queasy, doesn’t it, thinking of all those non-UK-based types looking at it with their greasy foreign eyes…
Anyway, we think that “Mucca” should take some comfort from all this. Carp fans may be few, but they are loyal and passionate. One announced on national television that catching a prize carp was “better than sex”.
Who’s to say Heather can’t inspire her own followers to similar heights of hyperbole?
Posted: 14th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Prince Andrew In Near Jet Horror
“ANDREW in jet scare,” says the Mirror, ever watchful of the goings and goings again of Prince Andrew.
But the news is not so bad as it seems, and Andrew HAS managed to catch a jet to a private engagement in Edinburgh.
The Mirror mentions something about landing gear problems, but Andrew managed to get through…
Posted: 14th, November 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment (1)
