Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Tabloid Headlines: They Say It All
YOU can tell a lot about a paper by looking at its headlines.
For example, today’s Daily Madeleine (aka Daily Diana/Daily Express) predictably leads with: “POLICE: WE HAVE 100 QUESTIONS FOR THE McCANNS”. And the overwhelming impression is that the word “police” could just as easily be left off without changing its tone one iota.
On the other hand, a headline can sometimes subliminally suggest a subject quite unconnected to the topic at hand. Take today’s Daily Mail (please!) which leads with: “THREAT TO 5M FESTIVE BIRDS.”
Given the paper’s zeal in detecting examples of political correctness gone mad, one half expects to read that the birds have been banned from tweeting carols or using the word “Christmas”. In this context, the news of the bird flu outbreak comes as a double shock.
Then there’s the Independent, which doesn’t waste time insinuating its opinions into stories. Instead, the compact “viewspaper” simply slaps them on the front cover in big letters. Today’s campaign is big and bold, and presumably aims to stir the loyal reader into a state of moral indignation. It’s the Indie’s equivalent of KILL ALL PERVS, only greener. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to “BAN THE BAG!”
Er… Hang on a minute, that can’t be right….
Yes, just checked it again. “BAN THE BAG!”
And next to the big headline there’s a lengthy sub-heading, which explains that: “British shops hand out more than one billion plastic bags each month, at huge cost to the world’s environment. Yesterday, in a landmark decision….”
Unfortunately space prevents us from reproducing the full text of this typically informative splash. (It requires its own telling – see here.) Suffice to say that there’s another two pages of this story, and we don’t think we’re giving too much away by revealing that Totnes, Dunoon and Llangollen are just three of the 71 British towns who are “planning to ban bags”.
Tomorrow’s Independent promises to allow you to “Have Your Say”. Well, what are you waiting for – let’s have a heated debate! More news tomorrow…
Posted: 14th, November 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (5)
Prince Harry: Good Egg, Bad Egg, Curate’s Egg
Prince Harry – A discussion…
LET’S have a heated debate!
And today’s subject, courtesy of the Daily McCann (formerly Daily Diana, formerly Daily Express) is… “ISN’T IT ABOUT TIME PRINCE HARRY STOPPED FEELING SORRY FOR HIMSELF?”
Yes, says Simon Edge. Harry is stupid, gullible and has a revolting circle of friends. “Those are not my words,” says Edge, “but those of Mark Boland, the royal PR advisor who massaged the public.”
Oh, sorry, there’s more…
“…massaged the public into acceptance of the Duchess of Cornwall.”
Anyway, Simon reckons Harry is a thoroughly bad egg, or “roistering yob” as he puts it.
Meanwhile Jenny Selway, in the pro-Harry corner, says much the same, making free use of phrases such as “obnoxious” and “Hooray Henry”.
But she thinks we should spare a thought for the misguided prince on the grounds that (a) he’s nice to kids in a caring charity work way, and (b) he is vulnerable and needs his mum.
According to Jenny, men in their late teens and early twenties “phone to ask the questions they’d feel too silly to ask anyone else, they phone to touch base, they phone to ask how to boil an egg. Who does Harry phone?”
Well, call us old-fashioned, but how many men over the age of ten phone their mothers for this kind of hand-holding?
As for the egg question, we suggest Harry phones his dad. Likely answer: “Ask the chap who squeezes your toothpaste onto the brush – he should be able to get cook to rustle you up an egg or two.”
Posted: 13th, November 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (18)
Fore Play: Sex Addicts Get More Exercise Than Golfers
“SEX is the second most popular exercise in Britain – after walking,” claims the Daily Mirror.
A strange claim, not least because we didn’t realize that sex had now been re-categorized as “exercise” – presumably in a bit by the government to rid it of any unhelpful connotations of pleasure or fun.
This possibly sheds some light on a story in today’s Daily Telegraph, which says that old people have been branded “leeches” by no less a publication than The Golf Club Secretary Newsletter.
Their complaint is that old persons, who pay reduced rates, are living longer, and playing more golf (“Two or three times a week”, to be precise). This is clogging up the courses, and preventing younger members (who pay higher subscriptions) unable to play.
This situation can only get worse.
Let’s assume that, for exercise purposes, golf is counted under the rubric of “walking”. This means that when these perky pensioners aren’t leeching on the golf course, they are at it like rabbits in the bedroom. Sooner or later, something has to give, and presumably the sex will go before the golf. Whereupon we can expect to see the formerly lecherous leeches on the golf course every day.
Free Viagra for all pensioners or a thousand new golf courses by 2020?
Let’s have an electric-blanket-heated debate!
Posted: 13th, November 2007 | In: Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comments (8)
Immigration Helps The Economy: Fact
WITH an overweight foreigner heading here for the Christmas season, bringing in goods made in China, and riding non-quarantined animals, the Express shines a light on the “IMMIGRATION SHAMBLES”.
Father Christmas, aka Santa Claus, aka Mustafa Hussein Jamal, only arrives in the UK once every year. And it is hoped that this year, as every other, he will leave as quickly as he arrives, not stopping to take passion of any vacant houses whose chimney he squeezes his obsess frame down, nor spreading TB.
Immigration, however, remains a hot issue. And the Express says Immigration officials picked up £2million in bonuses for season 2005-06. Says Matthew Elliot, of the Taxpayers’ Alliance: “Bonuses are meant to be an incentive to succeed, not a reward for failure.”
Some taxpayers not in the alliance may beg to differ, noting how the money might be handed over with the words, “There’s more of that to come if you pull your socks up.”
“Do immigration bosses deserve a £2million bonus?” asks the Express of its readers, the paper uncertain “Da?” Or “Nyet?”
“You vote to stop this lot coming,” says the Star, words hanging above a cloud of swarthy foreigners stood by a tree. The paper has not already seen the results of its sister paper’s poll – this isn’t an Ant’ Dec who – just the YouGov survey conducted by Migration Watch.
Four in five of those who responded to the survey think “do not believe those coming into the country have helped the economy.”
The immigration officials and their pockets of cash would surely disagree…
Posted: 13th, November 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Family Misfortunes: Amanda Holden And The Dead Body
“AMANDA in Body Horror,” screams the Mirror. “Holden: I found a body,” says the Sun.
And we are out jogging with Amanda Holden, former wife to Les Dennis (one time host of Family Fortunes), himself a former partner to Dustin Gee (RIP).
Amanda is running. It is 7am. A body is in her path. An ex-jogger? A heart-attack victim? A fan? A cord is tired around the body’s neck. A bottle of brandy and vial of Night Nurse lie close by.
Amanda’s trainer Gary stays with the body. Amanda runs off to get help. And to prevent muscle cramp. It is a cold morning.
Says Amanda, now recovered: “My overriding feeling is of sadness for him and his family. I just feel so sorry this happened.”
Sorry? An apology? Did Amanda know the man? And should you see Les Dennis on the bus, street or telly, let us know. And set our minds at rest…
War On Terror Wets Ross Kemp’s Appetite
ROSS Kemp is a hard man. He spends his life with other hard men, notably in EastEnders, Ultimate Force and Gangs. When it comes to hard men, Ross is like a magnet. He attracts them. And they attract him.
The Star sees Kemp with some hard men in Afghanistan. “Bullets were flying inches over our heads,” says Kemp, who survived. “…Afterwards, I had this huge damp patch on my trousers.”
We are not here to judge. Show don’t tell. The Army accepts all sorts, so too the acting troop. If that’s what being with hard men does to Ross Kemp, then so be it. We fight for equality,…
Posted: 13th, November 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (4)
Boy George Arrested On Kidnap Charge
“IT’S a good laugh all this,” said Boy George back in May, commenting on the tale that he was planning to kidnap a male escort and use him as a bondage slave.
Now, as the Sun reports, George has been charged with false imprisonment. It is alleged that George, Boy did keep one Auden Karlsen prisoner in his flat.
It is also alleged that Auden was photographed, as arranged, and then, while tethered to a wall, pounced upon by George, who produced whips and sex toys and gave full throat to the line: “Now you’ll get what you deserve.”
Karlsen says he escaped by wrenching the chain from the walls and running for his life.
There is no comment from George, although it is believed that should any crime be proven he is buoyant that the punishment be both long and painful…
Posted: 13th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Daily Mail Warning On Scare Stories
“SCARED TO DEATH,” writes the Mail.
“They said BSE would kill 500,000 people – then changed it to 200. The Millennium Bug was going to destroy civilisation..and, er, nothing happened. In fact, says a new book, it’s scare stories themselves that are the real menace.”
Scare stories. Tsk! In today’s Mail:
“RAPISTS WHO CAN LAUGH AT THE LAW”
“Arthritis patients ‘face a life of pain from drug rationing”
“Flesh-eating MRSA ‘the deadliest of all’”
“Danger drugs for schizophrenics used to calm children of ten”
“Putting on pounds ‘doubles prostate cancer death risk’”
File under, ‘Beyond Parody’
Posted: 12th, November 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (5)
Celebrities For Climate Change: Polar Bears Kill
POLAR BEAR WATCH – Anorak’s look at polar bears in the Global Warming news.
WITH actress Joanna Lumley learning us in ways of farming and animal husbandry, the Sun calls upon impressionist Alistair McGowan to talk about polar bears. It’s part of the Celbroties And Stars Taskforce (CAST).
We’ve all heard about the phrase ‘global warming’ – heard it until we’re green in the face,” says McGowan.
“It’s costing you money, it’s producing greenhouse gases and the cumulative effect of those millions of appliances is starting to melt the ice and kill animals, such as the polar bear, ushering them towards extinction.”
Extinction? “Gone,” says McGowan. “FOR EVER.” Extinct, even.
Of course, less polar bears means less animal-made carbon emissions. Look out for stories of polar bears eating small children and spreading disease.
Their end cannot come soon enough…
Posted: 12th, November 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (8)
Polar Bear Watch: Freeze The World
POLAR BEAR WATCH – Anorak’s look at polar bears in the Global Warming news
“GLOBAL WARMING MELTS THE POLAR BEARS’ HOME,” says the Mirror. Three polar bears are on the “patchy now and ice”.
“The joyful shots mask a tragic reality,” says the Mirror, “the glorious animals face total extinction in 50 years.”
Why? “The cause is global warming,” says the Mirror. For shame. Anorak hereby makes a vow to leave our freezer door open – and we urge you to do the same – and thereby cool the world.
The alternative for mankind, and picture editors, is just too dreadful.
Posted: 12th, November 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)
Kate Garraway Is Strictly Come Dancing’s Sanjaya Malakar
IS there something of the Sanjaya Malakar about Kate Garraway?
Malakar achieved fame as the reed-voiced, limp-limped mumbler who outlasted the biggest amateur singing talents to come out of Des Moins and Wichita respectively in years, if not ever.
Garraway is the GMTV presenter who tripped over her feet and fell into a barrel of Ultrabrite toothpaste as a girl. Garraway cannot dance. She is blessed with less grace than George Galloway in a rhino suit.
Unlike Malakar, who defied the odds to survive week after week on American Idol, Garraway is not alone, having professional dancer Anton du Beke to lean on and, on occasion, tumble into.
There is a reason to believe that Anton is the one getting votes. The dancers are now bigger names in the pro-celebrity dance world than the celebrities. And Anton has certain charm and make-the-best-of-it spirit.
And so Garraway survives. She’s on the Mail’s page 3, those brilliant teeth chewing on her top lip. Indeed, this rhythmic nibbling is just about the only sign of movement above the Garraway big toe as she “stomps” through salsa. She is as “sexy as a coconut”.
And it becomes clear to us that such a vital decision as who should be king or queen of pro-celeb dancing circuit should not be left to the general public.
Not if it is to have any credibility…
Posted: 12th, November 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (6)
Butt Out Stuart Barber: Ban On Cigarette Machines Creates Obesity
“MACHINES threaten to undermine the law,” says Stuart Barber, quoted in the Daily Mirror.
That’s machines for you – always mouthing off about how they’re going to do this and do that.
So why is Mr Barber so bothered? Because he works for the British Heart Foundation, and he is supporting a private member’s bill to outlaw cigarette machines.
The threat to the law, as things stand, is that children can purchase their fags from these machines, who are happy to cough up their contents to anyone who feeds their slot, regardless of age.
You don’t have to be as old as Old Mr Anorak to remember the days when newsagents sold “singles” (individual cigarettes) to children whose pocket money didn’t stretch to a packet of ten “Number 6”. Nowadays, however, kids can easily afford a fiver for 20, and the machines are happy to meet this demand.
No doubt the parliamentary bill will be passed easily, and the vending machines will be removed from playgrounds and classrooms. And then the kids can start doing what everyone does when they give up the fags: pile on the pounds and increase their risk of heart disease.
And then where will we be, Mr Barber?
Posted: 12th, November 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (9)
Fayne Wayne: Rooney Knows Fine Wines
“MANCHESTER United ace Wayne Rooney really is a vintage pro,” chortles the Sun.
How so? Has he given up the glamour of football and opted for the “oldest profession”. Of course not, he’s happy to leave that sort of thing to the experts.
No, he has become a wine connoisseur. The England striker “lists a bottle of Sauvignon blanc among as his top tipple and has been eagerly building up his own cellar”.
Furthermore, he has been taking advice from manager Alex Ferguson, who, the paper reminds us, is “an expert on fine wines”.
The Sun finds this all very amusing, on the grounds that multi-millionaires like Rooney should stick to lager top and leave the fine wines to thirsty hacks with expense accounts.
But in their haste to ridicule the young tippler, they seem to have missed a trick.
On the following page, the paper reports that Prince Harry has been “talking through his love life problems” with a friend, and has been seen arriving at said address “with a bottle of wine twice this week”.
The address in question is the flat of his old pal Mark Dyer. To which we say: what better cover for a secret tryst with a like-minded soul with a weakness for the finer things in life?
Remember, you read it first on Anorak.
Posted: 12th, November 2007 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment
Never Mind The (Roo) Bollocks: Malcom McLaren On The I’m A Celebrity Swindle
ONCE in a generation, a man comes along and single-handedly rocks the world of showbiz to its foundations. One such man is Malcolm McLaren.
McLaren is the former manager of the Sex Pistols, whose antics were described as a bigger threat than world communism, and who swore on TV in the back in days when only Peregrine Worsthorne was allowed to do that sort of thing.
Yet that was just a storm in a teacup compared to McLaren’s latest outburst: a scorched-earth demolition of the jungle sham that is I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here.
McLaren’s one-time partner in crime John Lydon, aka Johnny Rotten, was content to play along with the jungle japery and become a national treasure in the process. But the flame-haired Svengali is made of sterner stuff. He has walked out of Ant and Dec’s outback challenge and denounced the whole thing as “a fix”.
In a “world exclusive”, the Daily Star reports that McLaren regards the set-up as “a glorified film set” which poses no danger to the celebrities within. He reckons that the winners are decided in advance, and the “bushtucker trials” are so harmless that the show’s medic said he would allow his kids to do them.
But he saves his biggest indictment until last. The show’s other participants, in his opinion, are “’once upon a time’ celebrities looking to relaunch themselves”.
And what was Mclaren’s own role in all this? “They needed a genuine celebrity. That’s why I was offered £350,000. It’s the highest fee anyone has been offered.”
The show’s producers unsurprisingly beg to differ. But what of old John Lydon?
“I knew he would back out,” says the veteran punk. “When I went on that show it was a
Posted: 12th, November 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (4)
Emmerdale Actor Plays Omar Barkri
WHEN the Omar Bakri biopic (“Benefits In Kind”) comes to be made, who will play the Mad Mullah? Step forward and shake your fist, Samuel Anderson. The young actor plays Emmerdale’s PC Ross Kirk.
And he confides in the Star: “I try to stay as far away from the police as possible now because of all the trouble I get. I used to have a beard and wore a scarf which made me look Arabic. After the London bombings, I was stopped and searched several times on the Tube.” Samuel is clear front runner for the part.
But with Noel Edmonds thought to be interested in the role, and the show’s Amos due a come back, nothing is guaranteed…
Stop Press: The Mirror says Amos, also known as Ronald Magill, is dead. He leaves £1,381,029, a green Ford Galaxy and a beard. Omar Bakri is being notified.
Princess Diana Inquest: A Whitewash
NEWS of the Princess Diana Inquest. It is Day 3665 AD (After Diana. And the Express shows no sign of tiring.
“DIANA INQUEST: IT’S A FARCE,” says the Express on its front page. “The truth stays hidden as key French experts dodge giving evidence to coroner.”
(Today, the Express’ Princess Diana-ometer is smiling, but her eyes belie an inner upset. Her earrings are diamond and pearl. Her teeth are a brilliant and white. The weather will be cloudy with scattered showers.)
The Express says this latest injustice will “outrage those who believe the French authorities are sabotaging the £10million inquest”.
The very real danger is that the inquest will be inconclusive.
“Do you believe the Diana inquiry will be a whitewash?” asks the Express in its phone poll, words more loaded than Prince Philip’s pheasant gun. Yes? No?
Diana tilts her head to one side and smiles as best she is able…
Posted: 12th, November 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (5)
Rage Boy Is Shakeel Ahmad Bhat: Up Close
“THE surprising truth about Rage Boy, America’s hated poster-boy of Islamic radicalism.” So says the Mail.
Who is Rage Boy? “Over the past few months he has become as much of a hate figure as Bin Laden,” says the Mail. Let’s hope he’s easier to find…
“Journalist Christopher Hitchens calls him a ‘religious nut bag’ full of ‘yells and gibberings’, and says that he refuses to live his own life ‘at the pleasure of Rage Boy’.”
Rage Boy is a protest groupie. If he were British, he’d spend his days watching the London Marathon live! and stood outside the High Court holding a placard declaring ‘Princess Diana Was Offed’.
With no Diana, and little reason for the locals to dress as rhinos and jog for charity, Rage Boy has been photographed at a demonstration in Srinagar, capital of Indian-administered Kashmir, and spotted “waving his fist at another camera during a protest against the awarding of a knighthood to author Salman Rushdie”.
The Mail looks to the blogs and on Jihad Watch notes The Goobs opining: “Can you IMAGINE how nasty it would smell standing next to this nutter? Whatcha wanna bet he hasn’t ever owned a can of Right Guard?”
Armed with a nose clip, the Mail’s intrepid poster-boy hunter journeys to “a simple, traditional three-storey Kashmiri house”. And there “standing in an empty room, dressed in a salwar kameez and zip-up cardigan, with crooked teeth and a quizzical look on his face, was Islamic Rage Boy”.
He’s Shakeel Ahmad Bhat is a 29-year-old failed militant. “Over two days, sitting cross-legged at the home he shares with his mother and smiling shyly much of the time, Shakeel told me, through an interpreter, his life story and why he had come to wave his fists at the cameras.”
Two days sitting with his legs crossed? Who knew the enemy was so patient?
Anorak has been looking out for the new gurning face of British Islam ever since Abu Hamza and Omar Bakri left the tabloids. Can Rage Boy be the one? He has the beard and the wild eyes…
“Shakeel was not a very good militant,” notes the Mail. “When I asked him how many people he had killed, he looked embarrassed.” Says Shakeel: “I gave scares but I never killed anyone. I couldn’t. I never hurled a grenade in a public place.” The new Bakri?
“In a moment that might have come straight out of the Borat film, he answered in a soft, serious voice: ‘I have been told that if I can convince a non-Muslim woman to marry me – but not convert her by force – then there will be a place for me in heaven. I suggested there might be some suitable candidates in Britain. ‘If the offer comes,’ Shakeel said, ‘I am ready to accept it.'”
Jihad-date.com? The Mail cares. And the sooner we get Shakeel over here the better. If Islam is to scare us, it needs a scary face. “Boo!” says Rage Boy. “Behind you!” we scream back on cue…
Posted: 11th, November 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (6)
Prince Harry And Chelsy Split: Situations Vacant
IT was Craig Brown who brought to the world Prince Harry’s Ode To Pomp: “When I marry, It’ll be in fancy dress – And I’ll come as Rudolf Hess.”
Of course that was satire. When he marries, Prince Harry will take on the full weight of the occasion with a sartorial display of dark baseball cap, new sneakers and a T-shirt bearing the legend “FCUK Marriage”.
But such a time will have to wait as the Mail brings news that Harry and “miserable” Davy have split.
It is reported that Davy “needs space” to “carve out her own identity”.
A “friend close to Chelsy” tells The Mail on Sunday: “This is not an over-for-good situation. Chelsy and Harry both love each other very much.”
A senior Palace aide confirms: “The relationship is over. It has simply run its course. Harry will be carrying on his Army career and Chelsy will continue her studies.”
And while Chelsy whittles, we happen up the Mail’s second Prince Harry feature: “Send me to Afghanistan or I’ll quit Army.”
“Harry has said he is at rock bottom,” a close friend says. “He is upset, angry and frustrated and feels completely redundant. He is basically doing nothing…He has said he is a troop leader without a troop.”
Harry is not some inedible ornament with a passion for dressing up in military garb. Says the source: “The MoD are going to have to figure something out. If they don’t, Harry has said he will think about pursuing his charity work and go back to Africa. He is desperate to do something that will give him a sense of purpose.”
But Harry is not alone. He might not have Chelsy, but if wants a sounding post he could consult with other men of his family and consider golfing, talking to plants and finding a use for Prince Edward…
Posted: 11th, November 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (7)
To Kill A Mocking Bird: Heather Mills Is The Accused
IN scenes reminiscent of Jeffrey Archer’s courtroom pot boiler The Accused, Heather Mills is to represent “HERSELF” in divorce court.
So says the Sun, which notes that Heather’s lawyers have “dumped her”.
Princess Diana’s law firm Mishcon de Reya – who do not act for Kate McCann or Anthea Turner – have declined to act for Heather after she “defied advice NOT to talk about her marriage or the couple’s four-year-old daughter Beatrice”.
A source says: “Heather will make it out to be a David and Goliath battle. But how she thinks she can fight one of the best legal minds in the country is beyond belief.”
A mountain stands between Heather and the justice she craves.
Has she a chance? Has she elegance? Has she fragrance? Would she have, without the strain of this trial, radiance? How would she appeal? Has she had a happy married life? Has she been able to enjoy, rather than endure, her husband Sir Paul?”
Heather will be played by Marlene Dietrich; Sir Paul by Alan Rickman and Warren Mitchell
Posted: 10th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (12)
Blue Peter’s Little Luvvies Are BBC Winners
“BLUE PETER USES CHILD ACTORS FOR ‘WINNERS’,” announces the Sun. “Blue Peter…plunged into a new scandal.”
Stage-school mums will be keen to point out that child actors are winners, by definition. And if they are to be the new Michael Barrymore, Jordan or Billie Piper, they have to begin somewhere.
And what more fitting place than the revamped Blue Peter sofa where the little luvvies are chatting with TV impressionist Jon Culshaw.
Viewers had been invited to enter a contest – pull a face to look like a Frank Spencer – and earn the right to meet Culshaw. But one winner noticed that two of the others were from drama agency, doubtless recognising them from crowd shorts of Ready Steady Cook and the BBC’s news bulletin “Life in Darfur”.
A Blue Peter spokesman says staff would be sent on a “trust course”.
But we admire their thinking outside the box and marvel at how the programme makers invited children to pretend to be winner in a contest to meet a man who pretends to be Tony Blair.
Posted: 9th, November 2007 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (3)
Jennifer Lopez Does An About Face
“THE world’s worst-kept secret…REVEALED,” says the Star. And readers guess. What is it? Is the world’s worst-kept secret:
a) Iran is building a nuclear bomb
b) Princess Diana never died but lives on the fabled Sixth Floor of Harvey Nichols
c) Jennifer Lopez is pregnant
The answer is “c”. The rest we know.
“Yes, I’m pregnant,” says Jennifer Lopez, so making us all privy to the secret, which is, as the Star maintains, badly kept…
Pic: Matt ‘Hack’ Buck
Posted: 9th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Wunder-Bar: Inside The Adolph Hitler Pub
“HEIL HAVE A PINT,” says the Daily Sport as it places a Winkle Picker within The John Masefield public house, Merseyside. Or The Adolf – “because its sign bears an uncanny resemblance to the Nazi leader.”
Masefield’s dark hair, slide-rule parting and neat moustache are of a fashion favoured by the German leader. And, as Sport readers know, it was Masefield who wrote The Death Rooms.
Let it not pass unsaid that former British Poet Laureate John Masefield was not Adolph Hitler. Mr Masefield’s remains are housed in Poets’ Corner at Westminster Abbey.
Mr Hitler’s poetry Ode to A Sponge never achieved the prominence he felt it so richly deserved. He died a bitter man.
Posted: 9th, November 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)
Amy Winehouse’s Hits And Blake Fielder–Civil Pinched
AMY Winehouse should see the arrest of her husband Blake Fielder–Civil as a time to says “Stop” and “Let’s start again”.
“Amy man is cuffed and off to the cells,” says the Mirror’s front-page headline. “Baby, I love you.. Baby, I’ll be fine… I love you,” says Winehouse, words reading like an advertorial for her next compilation of hits.
“I want to go with him,” says Winehouse. “Baby, I love.” And many, many more. “I love you,” says Blake, gamely playing Sony to his wife’s Cher.
And then he is bundled into an unmarked police car. And so it is that Fielder-Civil has becomes the latest in a long lien of double barrels to be pinched.
It is alleged that Fielder-Civil did conspire to halt a trial in which he and one Michael Brown are accused of causing GBH with intent on a barman. It is claimed that £200,000 would have been paid to alleged victim James King to withdraw his police statement.
The Mirror produces a picture of King allegedly withdrawing his claims. Another picture shows “middleman Ant” allegedly meeting with King to discuss the deal. The Mirror says Ant and an associated Jay contacted the Mirror claiming to have a tape showing the attack.
Over in the Sun, the front page shows police forcing their way in the Winehouse residence. She tells a friend: “We’re f***ed. God knows what they’ll find.”
Amy’s hair is high…
Posted: 9th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Feeling For Gemma Atkinson And Janice In The Celebrity Jungle
WITH just three days to find out who Gemma Atkinson is, the Star once more features the I’m A Celebrity agonist on its cover page.
“GEMMA I WANT FUMBLE IN THE JUNGLE,” announces the front-page headline as Gemma gamely invites the blind and partially sighted to see if they can identity her by the power of touch.
“After eating croc willy Gemma will be up for nookie!” says the Star. Such is the way of celebrity that Gemma Atkinson’s personal life is now the stuff of tabloid sensation, and many would prefer not to know.
But the Star is fearless in its pursuit of truth. As is the reliable Daily Sport, which leads with “WE FIND BLOKE WHO JANICE HASN’T BONKED.”
Janice is I’m A Celebrity’s Janice Dickinson, Coronation Street’s goby seamstress.
“BUSHF#@%ER MORE LIKE!,” says the Sport’s headline approvingly. “Sex mad Janice will chew ‘em up and spit ‘em out.” As we say, she’s the goby one…
Posted: 9th, November 2007 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment
Vitamin D Day: War With The Sun
“SUNSHINE VITAMIN IS SECRET OF YOUTH.” So says the Express on its front page.
There was a time when discussing the weather was viewed as the safe option, the soft focus view on life. War, religion and militant EastEnders’ characters best avoided. Will it rain?
Now the weather is a row waiting to happen. And surely the aforesaid headline will be met by a counter claim that the sun is the enemy, responsible for a myriad cancers and polar bears being trapped on slushy ice.
Of the story, the Express says that women, weather girls included, with high levels of Vitamin D are “biologically younger” (see weather girls). These women have longer “telomers” than those women with shorter “telomers”.
And a study finds that 87.1 per cent of Britons have too low levels of Vitamin D in spring and winter. The rest, those who jet off to Tenerife for winter sun – the beautiful people – are just fine…
Posted: 8th, November 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (6)
