Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
David David Hasselhoff Fall Off The Talking Wagon
“ALCOHOLIC Hoff falls off the wagon,” announces the Mirror. The Sun concurs: “Alcoholic David Hasselhoff has been admitted to an emergency detox unit after falling off the wagon.”
The Sun republishes a picture of the Hoff waiting to board a flight at Heathrow Airport with “what appeared to be a large stain on his trousers”. The perils of pulling on tight-fitting jeans over wet swimming trunks cannot be overlooked. And The Hoff should care not to make the same mistake twice.
But he is off the wagon. And we are left to wonder if it was a talking wagon and one able to call the tabloid press?
Posted: 11th, October 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Princess Diana Inquest Day 3633 AD (After Diana): The War On Terror
WAS Princess Diana a victim of the War on Terror?
In the Express, Antonio Lopes-Borges has yet to right a book about his experiences. But even more sensationally Lopes-Borges, one of the first witnesses at the crash scene, says he saw people milling around the entrance to the Alma tunnel, Paris.
“I was quite shocked to see pedestrians because normally there are just cars in the tunnel. It amazed me.”
He goes on: “There was the first car and there was a guy, who looked like an Egyptian, and he told us, can you please go back because there is going to be an explosion.”
What’s this? Might it be that rather then the British Establishment not wanting a Muslim in their midst, as Mohamed al Fayed attests, it was the Egyptians who frowned upon Christian Diana?
Says Lopes-Borges: “As we had already had terrorist attacks in Paris, I thought it could be a terrorist attack and I believe we could have an explosion there.”
In the Mirror, readers learn “it looked like terror attack”. So too in the Star, which links terrorism with the death of Diana.
It is all too marvellous. We wonder at the truth of it, and how terrorists don’t forget their manners even in the white heat of annihilation . As we say in the UK: “It’s a bombshell!”
And as they say in Paris: “May I please blow you up, sir”…
Posted: 11th, October 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Royal Fact Of The Day: Her Majesty’s Bag II And Paul Burrell’s Flies
ANOTHER peek within What’s In The Queen’s Handbag: And Other Royal Secrets, a tome by writers and rummagers Phil Dampier and Ashley Walton.
And a recollection from a royal lackey on Paul Burrell, aka The Rock.
As the Express notes, the source is talking of Chipper, one of Her Majesty’s protective Ring of Corgis.
“Chipper had an extraordinary reaction to the sound of zips being undone and done up. To keep us amused Paul would keep unzipping his flies, which would sometimes send the corgis mad. Sometimes we would all join in, making the poor things delirious.”
As we know, Prince Charles does not operate his own flies. Beyond that we would not wish to comment and invite you to paint your own tableau…
Posted: 11th, October 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Chanelle Hayes 1: Victoria Beckham 2
CHANELLE Hayes is preparing to tell Star readers about her fight with “SMELLY Victoria Beckham.
The Big Brother star emeritus is getting ready. We see her dressed only in her knickers and bra (matching) and pulling up a pair of fishnet stockings.
Inside, spread over the Star’s centre-crease, Chanelle is “Chanelle No.1”. She is launching her own perfume. Called Simply Chanelle, the scent features top notes of used hankie, fresh tissue and bottom notes of out-the-box PVC.
“I’m really pleased with it,” says Chanelle. “I chose the name and chose loads and loads of different samples.”
And, of course, Chanelle hopes she will beat smelly’ Posh’s own signature odour. The two women look a little alike, and it is hoped that the addition of branded scents will help one and all differentiate between the two. And stop David Beckham from making a terrible mistake…
Posted: 11th, October 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (15)
Gordon Brown The Magpie: One For Sorrow
GORDON Brown’s pre-election, pre-budget, campaign report, as delivered by Alistair Darling, has been given the bird, namely the magpie.
The Mail calls Darling “MR MAGPIE” on its front page. The Times heralds “The Magpie budget” on its cover. The Telegraph leads with Brown and Darling dressed in magpie black-and-white burglarising the Tory’s tax plans. So too the Sun.
And the Mirror? It says Gordon Brown has “seized the initiative”. Brown is dressed a boxer celebrating a win. The gloves and shorts may or may not be his own…
Pic: The Spine
Posted: 10th, October 2007 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (5)
A Princess In Paris: Victoria Beckham De Rugger
VICTORIA Beckham is in Paris. And the Sun features this happening on its front page.
“OOH LA LARGE!” it oozes. Inside: “Posh is in Seine.”
That’s a pun on the city’s river, the Seine. Readers might recognise the river from the ensuing Rugby World Cup, also in Paris, and the Princess Diana inquest tour, ditto.
It is no coincidence that Her Poshness is in Paris, evoking both the spirit of Diana’s celebrity in her choice of outfits and the rugby as the media scrum is invited to track her every move.
Posted: 10th, October 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (10)
Royal Fact Of The Day: Her Majesty’s Bag
“WHAT’S in the Queen’s handbag?” asks the Express. She has no need of a passport, cash nor credit cards. “Yet her bag is far from empty. One item she is never without is an S-shaped metal meat hook.” Also within the bag are “miniature dogs, horses, saddles and horsewhips”. For a quick getaway…
Posted: 10th, October 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (8)
Princess Diana Inquest Day 3632 AD (After Diana): Inside Suite 101
INSIDE the Princess Diana Suite, we journey with the Express.
Before we enter the “room where Diana and Dodi had last embrace”, we and the jurors must pass beneath the sign that says this is the Ritz Hotel, Paris.
We are “swept through the big revolving doors so familiar from the CCTV footage of Diana and Dodi’s last hours”.
The 11 good men and women true walk across carpets “so soft they could have been traipsing in marshmallow”. Or warm syrup.
The jurors peer into the Restaurant Vendome, “where expensive lunchers would later gather, murmuring together and sipping from glasses that sparkled like diamonds”.
The jurors walk up the stairs to a small foyer. Jurors may have taken the chance to flick back their hair in memory of Diana, or else throw their heads back and laugh long and loud.
But soon they reach the Room 101. The thing that is in Room 101 is the worst thing in the world. It is the Ministry of Love, which serves as The imperial Suite.
And then we are within. And it is splendid, a vision of gold and brown marble and more gold and more brown marble.
The bed covers are of an exclusive pattern, seemingly cut from the same cloth as the hotel’s owner Mohamed al Fayed’s shirts.
And we wonder if anyone else has put head on pillow since Diana and Dodi were here? Is this room left just as it was after they had departed and the chamber maids arrived to tidy up after that last embrace?
Will a press on the suite’s bedside telephone trigger the last number dialled by Diana to be recalled? And will the Harvey Nic’s getaway department answer?
Posted: 10th, October 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Woman Accused Of Underage Lesbian Affair Turns On Rinse And Hold Defence
THE matter is sub judicae, and therefore we men of straw do not wish to comment on its legal merits.
But the case of the woman tennis coach accused of an affair with a 13-year-old student occupies the Mail’s mind, and the imagination of its readers and men in seaside caravan parks.
The accused is in the dock and tells one and all that she was not engaged in “sex acts” with the minor but “loading the family dishwasher after making lunch”.
As we say, we do not wish to comment. And the “rinse and hold” defence may or may not stand up under scrutiny.
Posted: 10th, October 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Jon Gaunt Is Undaunted By Matthew Norman And Lewis Hamilton’s Burka
JON Gaunt, the Sun’s Mr Voice Of the People, has a book out. It’s called Undaunted. It gets just two mentions in his column today.
Gaunty’s words have reached the ears of the Independent’s Matthew Norman. He quotes Guant:
“This whole thing about immigration and asylum, Labour are creating racism. I’m fucking not a racist. But I’m a realist. I don’t believe in the burka. Fuck you! If you come to our country, you shouldn’t wear the burka. When we go to Saudi Arabia, Lisa [Mrs Undaunted] won’t drive the car and she’ll cover herself up.”
As Norman notes, when the Gaunts have been to Saudi Arabia is not revealed. But should they go, Mrs Gaunt will pack accordingly.
And so to today’s Gaunt column. Says Gaunty: “Why does every news bulletin about Brit hero Lewis Hamilton have to go on about him being a role model and hero to black youth? I’m sorry but he’s mixed race.”
He’s right. Hamilton is no role model to black youth, who have little chance of ever driving a high-powered car without being pulled over by the police and accused of DWB (Driving While Black). He is more of a fantasy figure.
Of course, if Hamilton doesn’t want for his looks to matter – and in Gaunt’s Britain they don’t! – he can always cover them up in a burka…
Posted: 9th, October 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (28)
Tabloid Quote Of the Day: EastEnders
SAYS executive producer Dierderick Santer in the Mirror: “There was a phase in EastEnders when it became a bit too accelerated and bit unbelievable.” Yeah, a bit unbelievable…
Posted: 9th, October 2007 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (3)
Global Warming: Drowning Polar Bears And Newspapers’ Fragile Grip On Reality
TO illustrate the horrors of global warming, the papers have been showing a shot of two polar bears.
As the Daily Mail wrote in February:
They cling precariously to the top of what is left of the ice floe, their fragile grip the perfect symbol of the tragedy of global warming.
Captured on film by Canadian environmentalists, the pair of polar bears look stranded on chunks of broken ice.
But as Tim Blair notes “it wasn’t snapped by Canadian environmentalists. It was taken by an Australian marine biology student on a field trip. And in what month did she take it?
“The time of year was August, summer.”
— Email from Amanda Byrd to Media Watch
“They did not appear to be in danger…I did not see the bears get on the ice, and I did not see them get off. I cannot say either way if they were stranded or not.”
— Email from Amanda Byrd to Media Watch
And now, as Bob Parks notes the New York Times is using the picture to illustrate “The Presidential Candidates on Climate Change”.
But so what for truth – as long as we get the message…
Posted: 8th, October 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (6)
A Free Caravan For Rogarians In The Daily Express
NEVER let is be said that the UK does not make its migrant population welcome.
The Rogarians might be upon us, but we will not lower ourselves to their level.
The Express tells us, via its Romania-Bulgaria monitoring service, that the Rogarians are massed at the border, a crimewave of manmade fibres.
But we say, come one and come all. We will civilise you. And what better way to do so than with flushing water and a 120bhp turbo diesel engine. Leave that tired horse at your French refugee camp (a knob of butter and he’ll be fine) and head to the UK in a brand new campervan.
Worth £32, 995, the new Peugeot Mobilvetta is the last word in immigrant chic. It has “class” as it has “style”.
And all you need do to win your dream home is to answer the following question:
What license is needed to learn to drive? Is it:
a) provisional driving license
b) temporary driving license
c) junior driving license
Tuning-in Rogarians may care to consult their citizenship handbooks. And wonder why there is no mention of dog license, TV license nor off license…
Posted: 8th, October 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (7)
Britney Spears Wears A Busty Tracksuit
GOOD news on Britney Spears. The Mirror says Troubled Britney has met with her mum Lynne and younger sister Jamie Lynne. They jetted into Los Angeles on a “mercy mission”.
Not since Arlo Guthrie flew into Los Angeles has a trip been so welcomed by one and all.
“I think Britney’s lost the plot,” says Sharon Osbourne. “She must get some therapy.”
Sharon Lynne Osbourne is not related to Britney, and her views may or may not be valid. But she is a mother and judge on the X Factor TV show and that must count for something.
This is all part of “Another quiet weekend in the crazy world of Britney Spears”.
The Sun records all. On Friday, Britney went clothes shopping. She then got into car and went to a hotel. The hotel is five stars.
Readers who sensed sarcasm in that Sun headline might be shocked to learn that what the paper promises it delivers.
Britney buys a packet of Werther’s original sweets and toy Halloween pumpkins. For this purchase, Britney swapped her “busty dress” (?) for a tracksuit.
The colour of this tracksuit is not recorded, nor whether it was busty. But when we know, you’ll know…
Posted: 8th, October 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Tabloid Quote Of The Day: Michael Douglas In The Sun
Says Michael Douglas in “Douglas armpit hair fear”: “This is kind of silly, but I was just 16 and I just never thought women had hair under their arms. One summer I had this eastern European woman. It was a shock. It sticks in the mind.”
Posted: 8th, October 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Glass Warfare: Gordon Bown Bottles It But Daily Mirror Sees ‘Liar’ Cameron
HEADLINES like “LABOUR IN CRISIS” (Indy), “Battered Brown struggles to restore his image” (Telegraph) and “”HE’S IN THE BROWN STUFF” (Sun) have missed the essential point.
Thanks to the Mirror, readers know that Brown is a hero and David Cameron is “DODGY”. The Conservative leader has been branded a “liar” over his story of a pupil attacking a teacher.
Dave’s conference speech contained an anecdote about violence in school. It pricked Dave to call for more powers to be given to schools to enforce discipline. The great and good clapped had and without mercy.
Says Dave: “I stopped a boy as she was ruining to his GCSE exam, and said ‘What’s the problem?’ And he said ‘Well, I got completely p****d last night. I’ve got a hangover and I’m going to flunk this exam’.”
(The Mirror does not use the word “pissed” in full because such language, as it tells us here, is unbecoming a serious politician, which Cameron is not, much less a serious newspaper, which the Mirror surely is.)
Says Cameron: “I asked a teacher about him and I was told he’d attacked a teacher before and he trashed a classroom.”
But Anita Harrison, a governor at Kingswood Art College, where the alleged incident took place, says “nothing like this has happened”. As a school governor, she would of course know what goes on in the day-to-day running of the school. As her fellow governor Ray Drayton says: “Nothing like this has ever come before the board.”
Which makes Dave a “lair”.
And the Mirror wants to know if you are the boy Cameron spoke with. If you are, call the news desk and “we’ll call you straight back”. But don’t call in class time, lest the school governors hear of it.
Text instead…
Pic: Beau Bo D’Or
Posted: 8th, October 2007 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comment
Princess Diana Inquest Day 3630 AD: A Villa In France
IT’S day six of the Princess Diana car crash inquest, or, as the Express puts it, 3698 AD.
“DIANA,” announces the Express. “Armed police guard jury on crash route.” And not just any police, but “gun guards” and “200 riot police”.
But there is trouble. The Express says two “key witnesses” have refused to give evidence at the Diana inquest. And this raises “fears that the truth about Princess Diana’s death may never be uncovered”.
Any whiff of doubt at the end of this six-month hearing will not escape the fearless Express, which takes investigative reporting to new heights. It will go on and on until we all are in agreement, from the man on the grassy knoll to the woman who shouts at pigeons in the precinct. If all of us do not agree, how can anything be true?
Jacques Langevin will not testify. He took “the last picture” of Diana outside the Ritz. French taxi driver Le Van Thanh has also declined. The Express says many believe him to be drive of the battered white Fiat Uno that may have collided with Diana’s car. He is pictured leaning on red Fiat Uno.
It follows that “vital testimony” will be missing. It’s a “severe blow to the credibility of the inquest”.
And what of the US secret service files on Diana? The Mail says Mohamed al Fayed wants these passed on to the inquest. What do they show. Anything? Nothing?
But there is some news. The Mirror has unearthed a “secret witness”. She is Rebecca Murell. She saw Diana and Dodi visit Al Fayed’s villa outside Paris on the afternoon before the couple died.
“I am convinced there was something sinister going on, to the point where I doubt if even my own husband was telling the truth.”
Murrell’s husband was one Dodi’s bodyguards.
“Amazingly,” says the Mirror, Rebecca was never interviewed for Lord Stevens’ probe?
How many others have not been called? Have you? Did you see Diana?
Posted: 8th, October 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment
Cheeky Girls Reveal All
THE Cheeky Girls are in the Daily Sport. In swimwear. In interview.
Anorak readers are well versed in Sport interviews and might look forward to questions on the lines of “Big or Small?”, “Bum Fun?” and “Ant or Dec?”
“We work out so hard and have been doing ballet for 14 years so we are in good shape,” says Gaby.
But she adds: “You’ve got to keep a little bit covered and keep the lads guessing.”
The kind of lads who need to guess what breasts look like and what appears beneath the crotch of the girls’ silver bikinis as they bend over either have no access to the Internet, no girlfriend or are living in a secure institution on the Isle of White.
Or else they have never seen a Transylvanian chest pelt.
Posted: 8th, October 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)
Tabloid Headline Of The Day: Missing Man Found On Sofa
MISSING Man Found On Sofa! The story -and one seems unnecessary – is that the driver of a boat found wrecked on the shore was “relaxing on a sofa at his mother’s home while rescue workers searched the sea off Snarøysundet on Thursday night”.
Norway – where the action happens.
Spotter: The Croydonian
Posted: 7th, October 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)
Gordon Brown Bottles It And Prevents Change
GORDON Brown “BOTTLED IT”.
At least that’s what the Mail on Sunday’s front page says.
Gordon Brown offers another explanation, something along the lines of the country not wanting him to call a general election, a dental appointment he dare not miss and nothing at all about worrying that he might lose and go down as the second-shortest serving British Prime Minister in history, behind George Whatshisname.
But the News of the World, the Sun’s sister paper, knows better. It has the inside take. And announces in now shy way: “News of the World poll kills election – BROWN AND OUT.”
Indeed. It was the “Sun Wot Dun It”.
Reading on: “Gordon Brown’s plans for an early general election were thrown into chaos last night when he learned the devastating results of a News of the World poll.”
It told Brown of “a Tory lead of SIX PER CENT in 83 key marginal constituencies—meaning almost 50 Labour MPs would lose their seats”.
The News of the World foresees a hung parliament and the Tories in power.
Says Brown: “I made the decision for a different reason—because I want to get on with the job of change in this country.”
Of course, he could call an election and bring about change overnight…
Pic: Poldraw
Posted: 7th, October 2007 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (6)
Troubled Britney Spears Hounded From Yorkshire
BRITNEY Spears is making news as her alter ego “Troubled Britney Spears”.
Anorak has been compiling a list of epithets, as part of our Tabloid Dictionary. To date we have “rubber-faced Rowan Atkinson”, “anguished Kate McCann” and “troubled Britney Spears”.
Britney Spears has not been up to much of late. Her songs are bad, her dancing worse. And her school uniform is in Comfi Slax range. But Troubled Britney has been making headlines.
Today, Troubled Britney is in the Sun. As readers learn: “TROUBLED BRITNEY SPEARS may face a legal battle to keep custody of her DOGS.”
The head of animal rights charity Peta has asked Britney’s estranged husband Kevin Federline to pursue an order for care of her Yorkie called London and chihuahuas Lucky, Lacy and Bit-Bit.
As reported: “Ingrid Newkirk said Britney, 25, had failed to have London treated after his leg was broken when he was stepped on.”
No further details are given, the Sun correctly realising that its readers are representative of this nation of dog lovers and can only stand so much.
As for calling her Yorkshire Terrier London, we urge calm in the People’s Republic of Yorkshire and lobby Troubled Britney to rename the creature something more in keeping with that locale and her own career, such as Leeds, Nafferton and Little Weighton…
Posted: 6th, October 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Britney Spears Does Frappuccino: Lily Allen Empathises
BRITNEY Spears has gone for a frappuccino.
In years to come, Anorak will be invited to nod its head on TV’s I Love The Noughties show and explain to the masses A) Who Britney Spears was and B) what a frappuccino is and what role it played in the life of A.
It won’t be easy. But on hand to help will be the son or daughter of a celebrity reminiscing about how mum used to take them to Starbucks after school, and get TWO granola breakfast muffins for a fiver! And we will be joined by Lilly Allen.
Ms Allen knows much about Spears, at least enough to tell the Mirror that her “heart goes out to her. I feel that she must be in a tough place right now. It’s really upsetting.”
That tough place is, as we have seen, a frappuccino outlet. And, indeed, it is nothing if it is not upsetting.
And Lilly has been there and done that. “I was 19 when I started doing this, so I can’t imagine what it muse be like for her,” says she.
Indeed, doing frappuccino is not something to be taken lightly, and to our mind Lilly took risks but was of legal age. And survived.
“I can’t imagine what it must be like for her. She must feel like: ‘God I need to get away.’”
I need to get a blend of ice and a mix constituted of coffee, water, milk, and various syrups…
Posted: 5th, October 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)
The Happy Ending Foundation Invites You To A Book Burning
ONCE upon a time, in a garden not far enough away, The Happy Ending Foundation met.
Hello, Mrs Small. Are you going to burn the books in a huge fire?
(Nods)
Good. Little Miss Small, Mrs Small’s daughter is ten. She is depressed. Do you know what depressed means?
(Hold up hands)
No, that’s rehab. And no, that’s a sexually transmitted disease. An STD.
Depressed is what Miss Small gets after reading stories with sad endings.
Says Mrs Small: “I talked to other mothers and friends and we decided to do something positive with books that are more upbeat.”
Clare Hughs, Mrs East of England Cheering Committee, says: “I’ve seen the way my children respond to real life, whether it be the disappearance of a child, like Madeleine McCann (now to be called Little Miss Missing) or bombings, and that give them enough nightmares.”
So Mrs Small and Mrs Cheering are planning a series of Bad Book Bonfires later this month, says the Mail reports.
The fires will coincide with Children’s Book Week.
So if you have a bad book in out home, library or school bag, bring it along and see if it burns.
Fire is bright and fire is clean…
Posted: 5th, October 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (34)
Prince Harry Is Dead
PRINCE Harry is dead.
Remove your Baseball Cap, play the last note of Return of the Living Acid and raise your half coconut shells of flaming amaretto.
Harry is laid our before a Union Jack with his head resting on the Bible and a gun in his holster. A vulture sits by his feet.
But this not the work of the Taliban or a rogue cocktail, rather artist Daniel Edwards.
It’s “sick” says “angry mum” Carole Jones whose son served and died in Iraq. It is a “disservice” to the armed forces, says Robert Lee, of the Royals British Legion.
“DEAD HARRY” (Mirror) has sparked the sound of “fury”. But Harry will not hear it because in a “chilling” reference to the threats by insurgents to send him home without them, his ears are to be removed.
Says Edwards: “I don’t think it would be any more distressing than the month he spent not knowing what would happen, if deployed. It recognises that he is willing to put on the line…his life for his country.”
Perhaps so. But we say leave the ears where Chelsy can grab them and get rid of the gun. And re-label the work “Harry: Looking Up At The Stars – Boujis Pavement 2006”.
A life study…
Posted: 5th, October 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (10)
Tabloid Quote Of The Day: Louise Redknapp On Teeth
FACT: Louise Redknapp drinks up to 20 cups of tea a day. “I wouldn’t have thought it helps my teeth,” opines Louise in the Sun. “But I’m always brushing and flossing them.”
