Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Strictly Come Dancing: In For A Penny
STRICTLY Come Dancing contestant Penny Lancaster is in the Sun.
“We hope there will be another one,” says Penny. “We’re planning on it and hopefully after Strictly Come Dancing we’ll start trying again.”
The BBC’s leading pro-celebrity ballroom show is set to run for a number of weeks, giving Penny’s husband Rod Stewart ample time to get himself in shape for the big push.
“I’m happy to wait until next year to try for a baby,” says Penny. “My aim is to get all the way to the end of Strictly Come Dancing so I can learn all the routines.”
Rod is in the hearing aid beige years and having sired many children may well need a new angle, something Penny’s rumba may provide…
Posted: 4th, October 2007 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (2)
David Beckham Knew My Father
WHO is David Beckham?
This is no searching question, and while commentators will wonder if he is more the brand than the man, Ted Beckham simply asks: “Who is David Beckham?”
Ted’s recent heart attack has left him with memory loss. As the Sun says (“DAD’S BECKS BLANK”), Ted even forgot his son’s name.
A source tells us: “After Ted came round from this operation he struggled to recognise his family. David, Jo and Lynne were all incredibly upset.”
There is no little concern that Ted’s confusion will be agitated by his son’s billing as Becks, Day-vid and Mr Posh.
But help is at hand in the shape of no less than two David Beckham autobiographies, back copies of the Sun newspaper and Sky TV retrospectives on the Beckham Years, featuring interviews with Rebecca Loos, Sir Alex Ferguson and the man who gave David his first tattoo.
One thing that Ted may struggle with is, of course, the bald truth that David is a footballer and plays for the Los Angeles Galaxy.
Best to leave that insight for anther time, lest Ted become disorientated and wonder if the world has gone mad…
Posted: 4th, October 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
TV Viewers Goes Radio Rental For An Asbo
FANS of Strictly Come Dancing and Ready Steady Cook take heed. As the Sun’s headline announces: “Asbo for shouting abuse at the telly.”
Who among us has not turned on the magic box and screamed “For F*cks Sake!” as celebrity chef Lesley Waters makes a Mediterranean-style beef Wellington from the mystery shopping bag?
But a cautionary tale reaches us from the ledgers of Stroud District Council, who have prosecuted Martin Solomon for screaming at the telly.
Martin is not stood on the pavement outside Radio Rentals, going, well, radio rental as Bruno Tonioli gives nine points to Kelly Brook’s cha-cha-cha.
Solomon is in his own home. He is watching his own TV. He is shouting. And his neighbours are unimpressed. They complain. And Solomon is awarded an Asbo banning him from yelling abusive and racist comments at his TV.
Says a council spokesperson: “He lives in a semi-detached house and it greatly distressed the neighbours who have one young daughter and the wife is pregnant again.”
No comment from Solomon. But we advise him against watching Neighbours this lunchtime lest Paul Robinson’s acting cause him to boil over…
Posted: 4th, October 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Conservative Teresa May Puts Both Feet Wrong
THERESA May, Shadow Leader of the Commons, is doing a passable impression of Cilla Black birdie dancing on a cruise liner in the teeth of a mid-Atlantic storm.
But never mind the hair, the red lipstick and the teeth as she sways across the boards. Look at the shoes. Focus on the shoes. The Mail does. It’s Theresa ‘s 51st birthday and she is dancing.
The shoes, of course, it is always the shoes with the Tory MP, now performing as Shadow Leader of the Commons.
When May wore leopard-print shoes at Party conference 2002, aged men clacked their tongues. Women pursed their lips.
Theresa May had new shoes. Anne Widdecombe might have Rosa Klebb’s, but these were the real killer heels.
And then Theresa wore leopard-print Wellington boots. She had a look. This was her kit. She will be forever associated with leopard print.
To her mind, one imagines leopard-print stands for daring, edgy, stealth, strength and speed. But it works best on a leopard.
No-one dresses like Theresa May, at least no-one who should be in the public eye this side of a Bucharest alley.
And she runs the risk of appearing out of date. Doesn’t May realise that this season’s look is tiger-print, as modelled by Princess Diana’s miracle suit (‘Makes you look pregnant or your money back!’)?
Of course, if May hangs around long enough she will, like Margaret Thatcher’s handbag, return to fashion…
Posted: 3rd, October 2007 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Britney Spears: The Doctor Is In
THE story so far: Britney Spears has lost her children, Sean Preston and Jayden James. Now read on…
Dr Miriam Stoppard is considering the Britney Spears issue in the Mirror. She is the paper’s agony aunt, and what is Spears’s life but one of abject agony.
Dr Miriam says Los Angeles Judge Scott Gordon is not an “ass” and found in favour of the children’s father, one K-Ferret.
“Nevertheless,” says the doctor, “one quakes” for the boys. She notes that K-Ferret and Spears are “reprobate parents”. Britney is “drug-sodden”. She is “weak, self-deluded and wholly irresponsible, dangerously so”.
Dr Miriam must leave it there to go and open her postbag. A girl’s boyfriend has been calling gay chat phone lines and a woman wonders why her child’s eczema seems to get better if the mother is enjoying herself, even if she’s not with her.
And while Miriam’s duty calls, the Star watches Britney slope off. After losing her two sons, Britney heads to the Bel-Air beauty salon for a fake baking. She wears a short white skirt that barely covers her bum, or ass, as Dr Miriam might call it.
The Star says: “Mum Brit is in freefall.”
And in the Sun, Britney’s aunt Chanda McGovern says: “We are very worried that things are going to spiral out of control…we are worried about suicidal tendencies in her.”
Dr Miriam is not around just now. But we, acting as her receptionist, urge Britney to wait…
Posted: 3rd, October 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (11)
Princess Diana: Paul Burrell And The Rock In The Dock
PRINCESS Diana is wearing an eau-de-nil jacket, pearl earrings and a broad smile.
As the Sun says (“DIANA: Who’s who at the hearing of the century”) readers get to see the leading players in the DIANA INQUEST.
But we know them all, at least we who have read the prelude to the case in the Daily Express for the past ten years do.
And we turn to that paper and see… Shock of shocks. Can it be that on the verge of achieving justice the Express has stopped caring?
The front page is enlivened not with the Princess of Hearts but with the younger and blonder Madeleine McCann and the news that the Express has won a “VICTORY” in putting an end to inheritance tax.
Only it hasn’t. It will only be the ‘Express Wot Won It’ if the Tories get into power. And make that ‘if’ as big as Gordon Brown’s tent.
It is left to the Mail to feature the story and say on its front page: “Burrell will testify at Diana inquest”.
Paul Burrell is pictured alongside Diana. The paper says that the centre of his evidence is his claim that the Queen warned him of “dark forces” at work in Britain.
Inside the paper there’s a picture of Paul ‘Rock’ Burrell walking along a street in jeans and T-shirt. He is carrying a bag.
And inside it there might be the outfit he will wear in court – an eau-de-nil jacket, with pearl earrings…
Posted: 2nd, October 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Britney Spears Loses Children: She Too Is Lost
“BRITNEY LOSES KIDS,” announces the Sun’s front page. And we fear it has happened again.
“Britney loses her children,” says the Mirror, and we know that it has.
But the panic does not last for long as the Sun tells us that the children have been found and are now in the “physical custody” of Britney Spears’ ex-husband Kevin Federline.
Federline, aka The Rapping Rodent, aka K-Ferret, is now legally allowed to raise sons Sean Preston and Jayden James, to construct them in his own image.
Many will have to put their concerns to one side, dismiss thoughts of the little lambs being at large dressed in white vests and pointed beards, because, as a source says: “We are all fearing for Britney and this will be the final straw for her.”
“SUICIDE FEAR FOR BRITNEY,” says the Sun. The Mirror says Britney is “beyond inconsolable”.
And: “She has not stopped crying since she found out. It hasn’t sunk in yet…a life without them is unimaginable for her.” As ever: “The boys are her life.”
Overlooked is the need to say that Britney is lost. And realise that this is an interim order and full custody of the children will be decided at a later date.
In the meantime, we need to find Britney. And find her spokesman, who, as the Sun reports, “was not available last night”.
Fears are that they too are lost…
Posted: 2nd, October 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (7)
War On Terror: An Islamic State By Degrees
THE War on Terror ploughs on. And the Express has a headline to instil fear and dread: “Muslim students ‘urged to fight Army in Iraq’.”
Muslim students, it would appear, are not like other students, for whom getting out of bed sober is a bridge too far. For them the Disaster Management BSc Honours degree at Strathclyde University, with Dance and Professional Practice module, is but a small part of the bigger picture.
These Muslim students are being urged to fight the good fight by Hizb ut Tahrir, an Islamist group.
A certain Shriraz Maher is said to have left the group and is now well positioned to offer an insight into its operation.
One leaflet produced by Hizb ut Tahrir says: “Your forefathers destroyed the first crusaders campaign. Should you not proceed like them and destroy the new crusaders? Let the armies move to help the Muslims in Iraq, for they seek your help.”
Says Mr Maher, who forefathers’ jobs are not listed: “Hizb ut Tahrir despises democracy and believes Shariah law must be imposed over the whole world, by force if necessary. I think unless we challenge this we are sleepwalking into a very dangerous time.”
Sleepwalking? That sounds more like the students we know.
Unless, of course, they are brainwashed, or just stoned and listening Omar Bakri’s ambient trance mash up..?
Princess Diana: The Inquest Calls Her Majesty The Queen
“DIANA: Queen is under pressure to give evidence.” So says the Express, which may also like to ask Her Majesty if she has seen Madeleine McCann, bred Shergar or has found a use for young Edward.
For now, though, and for all time, the Express concerns itself with Her Majesty’s part in the death of Princess Diana.
The inquest into the Paris crash (or was it?) opens tomorrow, and it is hope the case will shed more light on the matter than the French police report, the British police report and ten years of Daily Express reporting.
Fingers crossed. But not crossed under oath. We demand the truth, the whole truth and the right to questions the truth for some years to come.
Today, readers learn that lawyers acting on behalf of Harrods owner Mohamed Al Fayed have submitted a request for Her Majesty, the Duck of Edinburgh and Princes Charles to be called as witnesses.
We have consulted our own lawyers here at Anorak Towers, and are now under the impression that this has less chance to being agreed to than Camilla Duchess Of Cornwall has of wrapping her battered white Fiat Uno in feminine hygiene towels and driving into a Paris tunnel wall.
Still, it is polite to ask. And when the Queen fails to show we can continue to speculate on what she knows and does not know and how Lord Lucan did it with a length of lead piping in the speedboat…
Posted: 1st, October 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Scoring Points For Immigration: Somalia Nil, Australia 10
“IMMIGRANTS who are a drain on the taxpayer,” says the Mail. And readers are presented with a league table.
A report by the Institute for Public Policy Research, “which has close links to Downing Street”, has been produced for a Channel 4 Dispatches programme called Immigrants: The Inconvenient Truth.
The show’s title is, of course, based on Al Gore’s film on global warming. But, unforgivably, this league table makes no mention of which immigrant group produces the most emissions and are most likely to drive a 4×4.
All we learn is that Somalian immigrants are the lowest ranked for employment. In all, 81 per cent of Somalian immigrants do not work. And 80 per cent are in social hosing.
They come ahead of Turks, Bangladeshis, Pakistanis and Iranians.
The five highest ranked groups are Australians, of whom only 11 per cent are not working (between bar jobs), 15 per cent of French (see Arsenal substitute’s bench) and 15 per cent of Canadians, Poles and Zimbabweans.
Quickly readers will realise that immigration is not the issue, rather the wrong kind of immigration.
Anorak proposes a new system of vetting in which an immigrant has to produce a family tree. Points will be awarded for Australian branches, French scions, and top marks for non-African, non-Asian whiteness…
David Beckham Puts On Brave Face, Posh Puts On Sunglasses
DAVID Beckham’s father is on the mend. Your payers worked.
The Sun hears Ted Beckham sit up in bed and tell the world “I’ll be okay”. The paper says that Ted even made it to wave off Posh ‘n’ Becks from the carpark.
As a hospital insider let’s us know: “David was very sweet and brought Ted some home-made fruit punch and a salad. Posh even took off her sunglasses when she reached the ward.”
Of course, she may have replaced them with still bigger lenses, especially since, as the Mirror reports, Posh and her Spice Girls entourage are collaborating with fly-eyed Bono, Mr G9 himself.
But that for later. For now, as the Star notes, “Posh Is Beck To Normal”, manfully refusing to smile as she jets off her to resume her amazing life in Los Angeles.
Says an onlooker: “They were holding hands like newlyweds but you could see the strain in their faces.”
And with that Her Poshness puts her sunglasses back on…
Posted: 1st, October 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Danielle Lloyd Bends Over And Invites Trouble
DANIELLE Lloyd is on all fours on the Star’s front page. And she ever reason to be wary. As the headline announces: “Dani’s new bloke is mad for her undies.”
A fetishism suggests itself. All the more so when we learn that the Big Brother star emeritus’s new man is a dog. And not just any dog but a Pomeranian called Trouble.
No kidding.
What consenting adults get up to behind closed doors defies our judgement but this news invites Trouble, which is something Dani appear to be encouraging, given her pose which the Anorak postboy informs us is “doggy-style”.
“At first Trouble was so good and timid that I thought I might have to change his name,” says Danielle. “But now he’s into everything. He got to my red bra and knickers set the other day.”
The cad!
“I couldn’t stay cross with him though, he’s just so incredibly cute.”
And hairy…
Posted: 1st, October 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Prince Harry Gets His Own Theme Pub
PRINCE Harry has yet to have how own club but news in the Star is encouraging. (Pic: Beau Bo D’Or)
In “PRINCE ALWAYS AT PUB”, the paper notes that Sir Harry’s pub in Edgbaston, Birmingham has altered its sign to show its appreciation of young Harry Baseball cap.
The pub’s sign now features Harry wearing a suit of armour, his flame-red hair blowing in the wind, and a St George’ flag aflutter over his shoulder.
“Most folk find it funny, and I’m sure Harry wouldn’t mind,” says the pub’s landlord.
And why stop there?
We urge the landlord to develop what he has started and turn the pub into Prince Harry theme bar, with a smoking garden, a storage area for minders and a polite notice on the door inviting insurgents to come on in if they feel lucky…
Posted: 1st, October 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Prince Harry Fights The War On Terror In Leeds
PRINCE Harry never did make it to Iraq.
The plan to send Harry to the frontline and equip our finest boys and girls with red frightwigs – so seducing the reward-eager enemy from their foxholes and making them more easy to slaughter – never materialised. Read the plan here.
And so it is that the Army remains bogged down in Iraq and Afghansitan. And Harry is eating spaghetti bolognese in Leeds.
But now a report in the News of the World that if Harry will not go to the War on Terror, the War on Terror will go to Harry.
As the paper notes, Chelsy Davy, Harry’s blonde, is studying for a law degree at Leeds University.
She is residing in a £55-a-week student home. Chelsy is sharing with three “pals” in “the rundown” Hyde Park area.
And as the paper says: “Two years ago cops swooped on a nearby property following the 7/7 London terror attacks.”
Can this be it? Is it no mere chance that Harry has been despatched to the provinces?
How long before the people of Leeds are all sporting red wigs and with the rallying cry “I am Harry”, sparing Leeds from the grasping hand of Muslim extremism?
Posted: 30th, September 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment
David Beckham Prays: Oh Come All Ye Metrofaithful To Posh ‘n’ Becks
DAVID Beckham’s father Ted has been struck low by a heart attack. This is Posh ‘n’ Becks’ agony.
In “BECKS: My guilt over dad” the News of the World says “DAVID BECKHAM is haunted by guilt and believes it is HIS fault that his dad suffered a near-fatal heart attack.”
It’s true.
A source says Day-vid feels bad for “cancelling” on his dad, for not being closer to him.
The NOTW tells us: “He and wife Victoria have taken solace in religion, praying in a multi-faith room which has crosses and Bibles available in a box.”
Metrosexual. Metrofaithful.
This is the Beckhams in their time of private grief. Pull of a throne-shaped pew. Empathise.
David and Victoria are united in their moment of pain. Says a source: “She’s been a rock for David. She keeps telling him, ‘Don’t blame yourself for this, stop having a guilt trip—it’s not your fault.’”
Vicky has been forced to cut short a promotional trip to Japan. But she doesn’t blame Dave.
“The two of them have been sitting in the corridor together and she clasps his hand in hers. David’s like a little lost lamb at the moment.”
Touching stuff. And how does the NOTW trail this story? Why, with the line: “David opens heart”.
To remember in all our prayers: David’s father, who art in hospital, hallowed be thy turf…
Posted: 30th, September 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Daily Mail Week: Plague, Dead Babies And Culling The Old
EVERY day of every week the Mail thinks up imaginative ways to remind you that life is cruel and you are going to experience pain and die.
And if it can’t think any horror stories up, it looks at the latest scientific research.
Here is a selection of things that will kill you and yours from last week’s paper of doom…
MONDAY
“A disaster in the wind for farmers” – The bluetongue virus is upon us. A cow in a children’s farm in Suffolk has it. Either that or it’s been swallowing Gordon Brown’s rhetoric…
“CAN WE HANDLE A NEW PLAGUE?” asks Geoffrey Lean. Let’ kill our first born, before it’s too late!
“New e-coli strain ‘more dangerous than MRSA’” – the EBSL E.coli bug is here. “It looks like an emerging giant,” says Dr Achyut Guleri, a consultant microbiologist
“I H8 TEXT SPEAK. As the Oxford English Dictionary ditches the hyphen, how texting is wrecking our language” – John Humphreys says the OED has “fallen victim to fashion”. Pigeon-hole, he notes, is now to be spelt pigeonhole. The hyphen key is being destroyed! It’s grammatical cleansing. It’s-the-end-of-the-world-as-we-know-it-!
“1,000 babies a year ‘dying needlessly’” – Midwives are overstretched. Says Professor Jason Gardosi, director of the Perinatal Institute, Birmingham
“A&E closure could cost lives” – So says report by the Academy of Medical Royal Colleges
TUESDAY
“Flu jabs ‘don’t prevent death deaths in the elderly’” – You mean the OAP flu culling programme is working?
“THE SILENT EPIDEMIC – Loss of hearing isn’t the only problem bringing misery to millions. Yet from dizziness to constant buzzing, these soul-destroying conditions are often ignored”
“Under 30s at highest risk of DVT on flights” – So too passengers who are “short, tall or overweight”
“As more and more Britons become ‘dental tourists’ seeking cheap treatment abroad, one woman’s cautionary tale – My quest for a perfect smile ruined my life”
“Epileptic fits threw Sean into despair. But the cure threatened to leave him paralysed”
WEDNESDAY
“Heart patients at twice the risk of bowel cancer” – Never mind. Could be worse
THURSDAY
“Flesh-eating strain of MRSA spreads to schools and gyms” – To the ferry port!
“Three drinks a day ‘raise breast cancer risk 30pc’” – so says Dr Arthur Klatsky, of Kaiser Permaente, California
“A lottery for stroke scanning” – It’s a rollover
“Paracetemol with coffee ‘could trigger fatal liver disease’” – Says Dr Sidney Nelson, of the University of Washington, Seattle
“Public ‘in peril’ from packed prisons” – Chief inspector of prisons say the crims are bursting out
“A Maternity unit shut by cockroach infestation”
“Forget the cancer, I only cried when I lost my hair” – Jenni Murray writes
FRIDAY
“Doctors’ code of silence to cover under-age sex” – Under-age sex? Sex with under-age doctors? General Medical Council says doctors should recognise a child’s right to privacy if that child might harm themselves or run away
“We’re tired all the time, says 60pc of working mother” – 40pc of working mother not tired all the time. Hurrah!
“Why up to 99pc of seeds won’t make your garden grow” – Survey says up to 99per cent of package seeds are dead
“Pesticides on 80pc of free school fruit” – Stick to the Mars bars and food with labels on, mum
“Bird flu fear for unborn babies” – H5N1 strain of avian flu can be passed on to babies in the womb
“CAN YOU INHERIT ANOREXIA? Karen’s mother was ravaged by anorexia as a teenager. Now, she’s fighting it, too. As a new study suggests the illness can be passed on genetically, they tell their disturbing stories.”
Posted: 29th, September 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)
Tony Blair’s Wooden Horse Politics: Immigrants Invade In BMW
TONY Blair’s car doesn’t look like a horse, much less a wooden one. But when police opened the doors of the £100,000 BMW, four asylum seekers leapt out. (Pic: Beau Bo D’Or)
Less dramatically, the four did not emerge brandishing pistols and demanding to be taken to “your leader or else”.
We would have some sympathy for them had they secreted themselves inside the vehicle when Tony was still in charge, emerging to find their master plan undone by Gordon Brown’s lacquer and spray revolution.
But the Mail is unimpressed. A source is given space to tell one and all: “It makes a complete mockery of our border controls.”
Only it doesn’t. The four men emerged in a police garage. They were arrested. The process worked.
And they had best be dealt with quickly as the Mail’s front page thunders: “2M MORE MIGRANTS IN JUST A DECADE.”
The new estimate by the Office for National Statistics says numbers will grow by 190,000 a year. This, says the Mail, is 30 per cent higher than previous estimates.
But not as high as the Express’s estimates, the paper announcing on its front page: “Immigration will add 7million to our population.”
“520 immigrants a day to come here for next 25 years.” The Express wonders: “Should Britain be declared officially full to new immigrants.”
Or is Britain pleasantly peckish, able to stomach a few choice morsels, say physics teachers and a few footballers, but no more stodgy cleaning staff, waiters, labourers and just about anyone else who will do rubbish jobs for rubbish money.
“Minsters have had their heads in the sand for too long,” says Damian Green, Shadow Immigration Minister. Not to mention their feet in the warmer water – we free to go over there?
To the ports, dear readers. It’s time to invade the world cone again. Last one to the Mondeo’s a Rogarian…
Posted: 28th, September 2007 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Princess Diana: Inquest Jurors Asked If They Knew Her
A DOUBLE whammy on the Express’s front page as the quotidian headline “MADELEINE” shares space with “DIANA”.
The Princess Diana inquest in almost upon us and the jurors are being sworn in. But first a spot quiz.
“Have you or, to your knowledge, any immediate relatives or close friend ever been employed by or associated with any of the following:-
(i) MI5 (The Security Services)
(ii) MI6 (The Secret Intelligence Service)
(iii) GCHQ (the Government Communications Headquarters)”
And that’s not all:
“Are you, or to your knowledge, any immediate relative or close friend employed by or associated with any of the following:-
(i) The Royal Family or the Royal Household
(ii) The Al Fayed Family
(iii) Any business or enterprise in any way connected with Mohammed Al Fayed (such as Harrods, Fulham Football club or the Ritz Hotel Paris)
(iv) The Metropolitan Police Service
(v) The Spencer Family”
The Mail has more questions. Always questions. And, no, one of them is not: “Did you kill her, did you kill the Princess of Hearts?”
The key question is surely:
“Are you aware of anything that would prevent you from returning an independent and impartial verdict in these inquests based only on the evidence that you hear, if so, what?”
“Well, yer honour, I have read ten years of Daily Express headlines, most of which allude to the notion that Princess Diana – THEY MURDERED HER. BASTARDS! – was killed by The Establishment.”
The test is taken. The answers are processed. Of 227 possible jurors, a shortlist of 25 names is produced.
Indeed, it is incredible to think that 25 people in this country have no preconceived notions as to how Princess Diana died.
And the chances are that the jurors – who are to be given police protection – LEST THEY MURDER THEM TOO – will deliver a verdict the papers can question for some years to come…
(If only she’d worn a seatbelt.)
Posted: 28th, September 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Global Warming: The Science Of The Lamb
GLOBAL warming occupies the Express’s “Ingham’s WORLD”.
Ingham is John Ingham who is qualified to comment on green matters because he is a citizen of Planet Earth (see the ‘O’ of his “WORLD”.)
Ingham of The Earth hears Australia say its grape crop could be cut by half thanks to global warming.
Ingham has been reading 100 Ways To Save The World. It’s a book. It’s printed on paper.
Advice includes buying meat from threatened breeds of sheep. Eat the Herdwick lamb and save us all. Although not the lamb, obviously. Sacrifices must be made.
He has also seen a study by Deer Initiative which shows that up to 74,000 deer are killed on our roads each year. It might be an idea for road safety campaigners to replace the hedgehog with Bambi. And you wouldn’t want to kill Bambi would you?
Unless, of course, you’ve finished off the lamb…
Posted: 28th, September 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
GMTV Fined And Makes Challenging TV
“GMTV has been fined £2million for cheating its viewers out of £20million,” says the Sun.
Is this?
a) Good value
b) France
c) Kerry Katona
Don’t, bother calling in because GMTV has removed all premium rate services from its broadcasts.
The show’s creatives have been working overtime to dream up a filler to replace the popular phone-in slot.
As a result we can exclusively reveal that viewers are invited to count the hair on presenter Andrew Castle’s top lip and, in the interests of fairness, extend the same courtesy of his co-host Fiona Phillips.
The best answers go into tie-breaker with the winner working out how much money GMTV made from its “PHONE-IN FIX” (winners were picked before the lines had closed) given that around 25million callers, paying up to £1.80 a time, had no chance of winning. And that 130,000 viewers have had their money refunded.
Get counting now…
Posted: 27th, September 2007 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (7)
War On Terror: Britain’s New Model Army And Air Force
LITTLE talk on the War On Terror in the papers.
It’s as if Gordon Brown’s been writing them. In light of his speech to Labour conference, we had thought to call the War On Terror ‘Tony’s War On Terror’, just to avoid confusion and a dignified retreat.
But there is news. And it can be found in the Sun beneath the headline “A MODEL PLANES ACE FIGHTS THE TALIBAN”.
Readers might expect to see a young lad wearing an England football kit at the controls of a Tornado GR4. Or, given the state of British armaments, the youth showing of the de Havilland Mosquito TT35 he made in the garage with his dad, a battle re-enactment enthusiast from Surbiton.
But we are not them. They would recruit boys into the fight, these Taliban.
The story is that Britain’s champion model plane pilot (age and name not given) is now manning the Hermes Unmanned Ariel vehicles that fly over the troops in Afghanistan.
Usually the job is performed by squaddies, but they are not trained pilots, says the Sun, and have been crashing the aircraft, and not always into the enemy.
As the source tells the paper: “So the champ was hired on a £50,000 contract, purely to take off the UAVs and then land them again.”
Hurrah to him. And good to know that our brave boys and girls are operating beneath the auspices of a man able to yaw with the best of The Few.
“The door is never closed to anyone who helps us complete our mission,” says Lt Col Richard Eaten, British Forces spokesman.
Indeed, as the British Model’s Flying Association’s motto boasts: “UNITED WE ACHIEVE.”
With any luck, the war will be over by Oct 5, in time for the Three Shires MFC Swapmeet 7 pm on, Dudley and Kingswinford Rugby Club, DY6 0AW. Contact Lynn or Steve.
God speed…
Posted: 27th, September 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)
Not Another Madeleine McCann
“MANY of us had begun to fear the worst, especially in the light of Madeleine McCann.”
The words of “butcher” Shaun who had been looking for his five-year-old son Alex.
The Express helps in the Hunt for Shaun and finds him hiding beneath his bed. Incredibly, the Express find time to take a picture of Shaun in hiding mode and delivers it to its readers by way of a guide: “If you child goes missing, look here.”
Readers learn that 11 people have searched Alex’s bedroom, making us wonder how large the room is. Teenagers were looking for him by the waterfront. Neighbours were frantic.
A police helicopter flew around Saltash for an hour. Twelve officers are on the look out for Alex.
And then, with the help of a police dog team, he is found.
Says Ms Olver: “I’m so grateful for everyone who helped us. Their support was overwhelming and we will never forget it.”
That’s one child saved. But the work is never done…
Posted: 27th, September 2007 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (16)
The Bulgarians Are Coming: And They Want To Work
THE Rogarians are not here. Not all of them. Not yet.
But the Express is keeping count. And today it brings news: “Bulgarians want free access to your job markets.”
The Bulgarian government says only four Bulgarians have been deported from the UK since Bulgaria joined the EU.
Says that country’s Euro-Affairs Minister Gergana Grancharova, speaking from a small basement flat in Cricklewood, north London: “Two of them were residing illegally and the other two were working illegally in the UK.”
She’s right. We’ve done the sums. That does make four. Although what with identity theft and fraud, it could be the same person four times over.
But even if they do come, Mrs Grancharova (cleaning and odd jobs £6 an hours, cash only) says: “Figures show that Bulgarian migrants should not be an issue for the UK. Bulgaria is a small country and unable to create huge obstacles for the UK labour market.”
But what about the Bulgarian’s impact upon our criminal fraternity. As the Mail recently reported, since January 1 this year, when Romanians were allowed free access to other EU member states, they have enacted 1,080 offences.
That might not sound a lot but if you were an honest British criminal trying to get by, it could mean the difference between a life of poverty and getting a job.
“Bulgaria is the crime capital of Europe,” say the Express. It is “plagued by powerful drugs cartels, alarming levels of people trafficking and a government embroiled in Mafia corruption.”
British villains should be worried. We need to stop these people coming here looking for work before it is too late.
Of course, if the Rogarians earn and make money legally, they could become victims of street crime and burglary. But let’s not dwell on the positives…
Posted: 27th, September 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (5)
Princess Beatrice Is Young Victoria
ANOTHER day and another outfit for Princess Beatrice.
Bea is dressed in a gown for an appearance in Martin Scorsese’s film based on the life of Bea’s great-great-great-great grandmother, Young Victoria.
In Hollywood, where nepotism makes a casting agent’s job that little bit easier and resumes come with the section “Famous Relatives”, Beatrice would fit right in. The Windsors are our Hollywood Family.
We know how she got the part; that much is clear. And to remove any doubt, Mail readers learn that the film’s executive producer is Sarah Ferguson, professional royal and Beatrice’s mother. The Express says the film was her idea.
What is less certain is why Bea’s role affords her no lines and reduces her stature to that of lady-in-waiting?
It will require not little ability for Beatrice to hide her innate royalty, and her teeth, as she plays second fiddle third from left to Emily Blunt’s Victoria.
But she’s getting on with job with little fuss. As the director tell us: “Beatrice was wonderful to direct – very patient during what can sometimes be a long and arduous process.”
Looks like all those chats with Uncle Charles are finally paying off…
Posted: 27th, September 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment (1)
It Could Be EU: David Cameron Gives Two Fingers To Gordon Brown
DAVID Cameron is here to reassure the apathetic voter that when Prime Minister he will give you the EU Referendum you hanker for. (Pic: Beau Bo D’Or)
Looking at the Guardian’s news that Cameron’s compassionate Conservatives are 11 points in the polls behind Brown’s New Labour Revisited, the odds on him getting his way and Sun readers getting their vote are slim.
But Dave senses a campaign. Just like William Hague sensed one when as Tory leader he campaigned to Save The Pound. Hague lost. And we, er, kept the pound.
But Dave is unbowed. In a piece entitled “Dear Sun Readers” he says: “On Monday the Sun’s image of Gordon Brown sticking two fingers up to the British public was provocative. But it was right.”
Cameron says Brown is nothing like Churchill. Indeed not, as Norman ‘On Yer Bike’ Tebbit tells Sun readers, Brown is the “heir to Margaret Thatcher”.
“What a difference to Churchill,” says Cameron. Indeed. “When he made that salute, it inspired this country to wipe the scourge of fascism from Europe.”
Readers may well wonder if Cameron reads the Sun. Monday’s picture was of Brown offering the two-fingered salute, the eff off to one and all, particularly the French. Churchill, as far as we can recollect, offered a palm-forwards ‘V’ for Victory.
“Small wonder,” says Dave by way of conclusion to a piece that mentions online health care in America and online crime maps in small US towns, “that so many people don’t believe a word politicians ever say if they break their promises so casually.”
As Churchill once said: “History will be kind to me for I intend to write it”…
Posted: 26th, September 2007 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (4)
