Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Killer Crocs Stalk NHS Hospitals
“NHS ON ALERTS,” announces the Sun’s lead page. “CROCS CAN KILL.”
“Where is Steve Irwin when you need him?” a reader asks.
But the crocs that infest Britain are not fanged beasts but moulded plastic shoes.
Britain is the thrall of a summer shoe shocker.
Only yesterday we read how Kathleen Jennings had been brought before the Beak for placing her flipflops on the seat of a train. (Criminally, she has escaped with no further punishment.)
The time is ripe to establish a consensus of what is acceptable as British footwear.
We noted that Ms Jennings was travelling from Oldham to Chester. Never wear brown in town was once enough. Now we need a full and frank code and very possibly a Government-appointed Summer Shoe Tsar.
The tipping point has been exceeded as we learn that the wrong shoes can not only soil seats but kill.
It is said that the shoes, when worn by nurses, can trigger static electricity and “KO” vital hospital equipment.
The Sun sees the shoes lay waste to a patient’s respirator in Sweden.
Sheffield NHS bosses have been quick to react and banned crocs from the city’s hospitals. A nationwide ban is scheduled to follow, says the Sun.
But the nurses see things differently. Says Gail Adams, head of nursing for the union Unison: “As long as nurses are not running up to work in fuchsia pairs I do not see a problem.”
We suggest that until a moratorium can be conducted, the nurses are met halfway and allowed to keep their shoes so long as they are black or a deep tan and passed off as brogues…
Posted: 5th, September 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (15)
Footing The Bill: Merseyrail Campaigns For Quality Footwear
“I HAVE never been in trouble before and, working with children, I do not want a criminal record.”
Kathleen Jennings is in the Mail. We would say that a criminal record is a badge or honour, or woggle, for the 19-year-old student who is also a Cub Scout leader. It will facilitate empathy and bonding.
But what the crime? It is said, yer honour, that Miss Jennings did place her feet on the seat of a Merseyrail train. She is charged with “wilfully interfering with the comfort or convenience “ of her fellow passengers.
She faces a fine, prosecution costs and solicitor’s fees. “I put my feet on the seat in front of me – just the edge of my flipflops,” says the accused by way of defence.
Yes, flipflops. And note that this was no seaside train trip but a journey to landlocked Chester from less-than-sandy Oldham.
Says Jennings: “A man in uniform came up to me and said, ‘Are you comfortable?’”
Miss Jennings may have cared to replay, “Yes, thank you. Mother has shares in Tesco’s and father supplements his income by auctioning off his homemade pornographic videos.”
Instead she offered: “I said sorry and move my feet back to the floor. Then he said he wanted to see me when I got off the train.”
When she emerged, the officer took down her details, noting her name, address, profession and her attire (yes, the flipflops).
The evidence will be shown to Chester magistrates alongside video footage obtained via the officer’s CCTV headcam.
And Miss Jennings will become one of the 250-or-so passengers taken to court since Merseyrail launched its anti-feet-on-seats campaign.
We would like to know how many of these wrongdoers were, like Miss Jennings, shod in flipflops and not sporting shoes in black leather with laces passed evenly through eight holes, or ten holes for those passengers who wish to make a statement and move with fashion.
And then we can work out if hanging is too good for them…
Posted: 4th, September 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (12)
Amy Winehouse Not Dead Yet: Record Sales Shooting Up
“AMY: We’re not like Sid & Nancy,” says the Sun’s front page.
Indeed. And we’d like to add that Amy and her husband Blake are also not Peters & Lee, Richard & Judy, not Renee & Renata.
“We’re not going to end up dead like Sid and Nancy,” the Sun hears them vow in close harmony.
The couple are so very much in love that Blake has taken to carrying a picture of he and his loved one around with him. “I like having it with me,” says Blake. “It’s beautiful. It reminds me what we have together.”
That he should have the framed picture tucked under one arm as he walks through Gatwick Airport with his wife tucked under the other will add grist to the mill of they who warn of the effects of drugs on the memory.
But Amy will not succumb. Says she: “We are not going to end up like them [Sid & Nancy etc.].We’re in love and have everything to live for.”
But the Mirror says rock stars are twice as likely to suffer premature death as the rest of the population.
A study by a Professor Mark Bellis looked at 1,000 singers from Europe and the US who had shot to fame between 1956 and 1999. Says the Mirror: “There were 100 deaths – 9.6 percent were men and 7.3 per cent were women.”
It’s the kind of statistic that goes to show that rockers are not like the rest of us, and journalists deal in words not numbers. Pop stars are a breed and a sex apart.
And that makes them marketable. Or not. As the Star says: “FANS SAY NO, NO, NO TO JUNKIE AMY SONGS.”
And the Mirror puts it: “Amy gets higher. DRUGS SCANDALS SEND RECORD SALES SOARING.”
Well, the drugs never did Sid and Nancy’s earning power any harm…
Pic: 14
Posted: 4th, September 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (8)
The Daily Mail’s Mr (Always) Right: A How To
LOVE at first sight is a nice idea, but for most of us things take a little longer.
Now the Mail brings scientific proof of ‘How women make up their minds in that first tender moment’.
No, not the tender moment when the female Mail reader discovers the value of Mr Right’s house.
We refer to the First Kiss – although this may occur a second or two after the above revelation.
Scientists believe that ‘getting the act right’ is very important for men, because women often judge men on the quality of this first meeting of mouths.
The paper warns that bad breath can be a problem, because ‘as well as being unpleasant’, it can also be ‘interpreted by would-be-lovers as a sign of health problems’.
Anorak agrees. Other signs to look out for include:
• Violent chewing and biting of the tongue.
• Vomiting
• Butting
• Licking of the face
Any of the above indicates serious genetic incompatibility (unless the female herself is prone to such behaviour).
However, the safest rule is really just a question of common sense and applies to both sexes equally: avoid any ‘would-be-lover’ who reads the Daily Mail.
Posted: 3rd, September 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
VB Day: Victoria Beckham Wins!
MONDAY is usually a slow day for news, and it looks like the Sun’s prayers were not answered this morning.
Unless, that is, they prayed for the weakest ever story about the Beckhams.
The headline is a bit odd for a start (“My Victoria is so Very, Very happy”). And to make it stranger still, each “V” has been printed in a different colour to the rest of the text.
Then there’s the story…
“Victoria Beckham looks like she’s initially made a name for herself in America – as she is snapped in a ‘V’ shape as she opens the door to her 4×4.”
Come again?
“Victoria Beckham looks like she’s initially…”
Ah, now we get it. “Initially”… Very good.
Well, not that good really. The accompanying picture shows Victoria’s familiar pouting face, as viewed through the gap between the windscreen and the open door. This has been cropped so the two pieces of metal form a sort of ‘V’.
The sort of V, that is, that needs three hints in the headline, an explanatory sentence and a good deal of judicious picture editing.
And that’s Very, Very, Very poor indeed.
Posted: 3rd, September 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)
Fat Kids At The Outsized Outfitters And Cake For Guns At Gatwick
“FAT KIDS SNAP UP BUNTER BLAZERS,” reports the Star, and says that the cost of producing 54-inch blazers and 40-inch school trousers is putting a strain on manufacturers’ profit margins. (Though not for Anorak, whose new range of Junior ComfiSlax includes a “back to school” charcoal educational trouser.)
Everyone agrees that something must be done. But what hope is there for obese kids when their role models are setting such a poor example?
Take former police officer Barbara Lynford, who “felt sick every time I went to work”.
And no wonder.
The Sun explains that WPC Lynford worked at Gatwick Airport, where firearms cops were forced by senior officers to consume doughnuts in vast quantities.
The doughnut diet was part of a disciplinary regime with harsh punishments for firearms offences.
Every time a gun was left unattended, the culprit had to buy doughnuts. Fair enough – anyone can absent-mindedly forget a handgun. But sometimes things got heavy: “One left his sub-machine gun in the canteen and had to buy the whole team a CAKE – the penalty for more serious rule breaches.’
The revelations emerged at a sex discrimination tribunal investigating the circumstances in which the former WPC left the force.
The doughnut business is certainly worrying, but there is an upside too.
The news that Gatwick’s finest routinely patrol without their guns will make every citizen feel safer next time they see an armoured Robocop outside the Costa Coffee stand.
Posted: 31st, August 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Patient Smith’s ‘A&E Asbo’: NHS Patient Seeks Bed And Board
PEOPLE are always complaining about how difficult it is to get good service in this country, but they often overlook a very obvious resource: the emergency services.
The clue, as they say, is in the name. And for a small group of clued-up citizens, these public servants have provided what the late lamented Tony Blair would call “world-class servussus”.
These clued-up citizens would occasionally make the news themselves, such as the lady who regularly called out the police, fire brigade and ambulance crews to perform emergency operations like fetching a sandwich from the fridge or getting a carton of milk from the shop.
Now, however, it appears that the authorities are getting wise to this sort of thing. We have entered the age of what the Mirror calls “THE A&E ASBO”.
The Asbo in question has been handed out to Mark Smith of Newton, Powys by Welshpool magistrates.
His offence was to take advantage of the hospitality of various hospitals around the country in order to get a free bed for the night after his drinking sessions. To achieve this, he would fake drug overdoses.
This ruse is estimated to have cost the NHS £117,000. To put this into perspective, that’s enough to employ a consultant for about three weeks. (A brand co-ordinating consultant, that is – to advise on NHS trust logos and letterheads.)
Mr Smith’s Asbo means that he now requires “written permission or a pre-arranged appointment before setting foot on NHS premises, except in a real emergency”.
But who decides what is a real emergency? One suspects that Mr Smith’s interpretation might be somewhat broader that most.
Leaving that thorny question aside, how will the authorities enforce this ban?
Dermid McCaufland of the fraud service is in no doubt: “Should Smith break the terms of the Asbo, he could face imprisonment.”
In other words: a free bed for the night, every night.
Sounds just the ticket.
Posted: 30th, August 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)
Net Losses: Football Burns More Calories Than Sex
“GOIN’ DOWN!” cries the Star. “Watching footie burns more cals than sex.”
Strange but true, if a new study is to be believed.
It reckons that watching a match burns as many calories as 180 minutes of sex or 40 minutes of running.
Old Mr Anorak watches no football, but always has 180 minutes of sex on a Saturday afternoon, and he’s as fit as a fiddle, despite a drug habit that makes Keith Richards look like Delia Smith. (Actually, come to think of it…)
Anyway, the point is that to achieve this kind of calorie-burning, you have to be pretty active.
The survey reckons that the “jumping, dancing, yelling and air punching that goes into celebrating a goal burns off 81.5 calories, while even stamping, moaning and shouting at the ref involved in conceding one takes 61 calories.”
All good advice, but health-conscious Arsenal fans should take this with a pinch of salt (though not more than the recommended daily allowance).
As we all know, noisy and energetic behaviour is not the done thing inside the Emirates.
To burn off the required calories one should follow the example of medical experts and hit at least one steward (200 cals) and abuse two or more police officers (300-400 depending on length and volume).
But skip the two pints of beer if you are serious about losing weight.
Posted: 30th, August 2007 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Jade Goody’s Arsenal And NHS Dr Simone Lester’s Small Private Dick
“I KNOW my rights. I want a ****ing ambulance now.” (Pic: Beau Bo D’Or)
No, it’s not a clued-up citizen booking a free taxi.
These were the words allegedly uttered by Dr Simone Lester, an associate director of NHS Direct, while in conversation with representatives of everyone’s favourite emergency service – the Metropolitan Police.
The Mail reports that the exchange took place in February outside the Emirates Stadium.
It says that Dr Lester “lost control after watching Arsenal play Wigan Athletic”.
A quite understandable reaction, you might think, although hardly an edifying spectacle for any youngster with aspirations to join the medical profession. Dr Lester should remember that she, like the footballers on show, is a role model for the nation’s youth.
Dr Lester, in case you don’t know her, is the person who “drew up guidelines for the public following the radioactive poisoning of Russian dissident Alexander Litvinenko”.
Her reported behaviour at the Emirates was not in keeping with such a responsible role, however. A General Medical Council disciplinary hearing was told that the trouble started when Dr Lester, who admitted to having drunk two pints of beer, tried to hit a steward.
PC Ruth Burnett asked Dr Lester for her name and address. Dr Lester replied with the aforementioned instruction to call her an ambulance.
The doctor was then arrested, but did not come quietly.
“I’m a ****ing doctor,” she shouted. “I want your ****ing name and numbers.”
When asked to move by a male constable, she is said to have delivered the following riposte: “I bet you’ve got a ****ing small ****.”
Dr Lester was then escorted to a vehicle, which was a police van and not the ambulance that she had ordered. Unsurprisingly, she was not best pleased. “You’re all poor and you will be out of a job,” she told her police escort. “You’re worse than Jade Goody and you’re a poor parent.”
In a letter to the hearing, Dr Lester denied everything, saying that she had used the word “bloody” only once, under provocation.
The GMC decided not to issue Dr Lester with a warning, being unable to reconcile the two conflicting versions of events.
And what do they know – they’re worse than ****ing Jade Goody.
Posted: 30th, August 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
The Least-Wanted Most-Wanted Holiday Book Is…
WHICH book do you suppose is most often left unwanted in a hotel room? (Pic: Beau Bo D’Or)
No, not that kind of “book”; the sort with writing in it.
Well, it might be something like Youngman and Sorene’s Fashionably Latte – a frothy romantic comedy with a pink cover.
Or it could be a volume of Old Mr Anorak’s autobiography – perhaps the book in which he reflects upon his decades as a publisher of ironmongery journals. (Even our most devoted staff found that one a bit heavy going.)
Well, it turns out that the answer is none of these.
Travelodge has produced a list of the most frequently discarded tomes, and the winner is…
Alastair Campbell, for The Blair Years, his heavily self-censored account of his days as the power behind Tony’s throne.
To put this achievement into some kind of context, he beat stiff competition from Piers Morgan’s Don’t You Know Who I Am? (second) and Jordan’s A Whole New World (third).
Other notable names included Jilly Cooper, Tina Brown and Chis Moyles.
Travelodge operations director Jason Cotts tells the Mail that the list “gives us a good idea what’s going on in people’s minds during the summer holidays” – a questionable and somewhat sinister claim, some might say.
One question it can’t answer, and surely a more important one to ask, is what was going on in people’s minds when they bought them?
Find the answer to that, Grasshopper, and you will have wisdom, influence – and wealth beyond rubies.
Posted: 29th, August 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)
Yeo George Bush: But Is It Porn?
DO you know what it is yet?
Well, that bit looks like a lady’s…
And that bit looks like a gentleman’s…
No, no, no – stand back and look at the whole picture…
Oh good Lord!…
We have just been looking at a new picture by British artist Jonathan Yeo. And judging by its content, we doubt that it will please his old dad – Tory Tim, the honourable member for Suffolk South.
Young Jonathan’s picture features members of a different kind. The Sun reports that he “cut up more than 100 top-shelf publications” in order to construct the collage.
All very good, but as we said before, the full effect can only be appreciated when one stands back and views the piece as a whole.
Then one can see the picture for what it really is: a portrait of the US President, George Bush.
Curators at the Bush Library had originally commissioned Yeo to do a portrait of Dubya, then had second thoughts and pulled out (matron!). But the cheeky scamp decided to go ahead anyway.
The resulting effort, which is on show at the Lazarides Gallery in London, has not gone down well in Bush quarters (matron!). A spokesman for Republicans Abroad International declared that it will cause “outrage” back in the US of A.
A Republican statesman for Dubya’s home state of Texas agreed. ‘This picture is very distasteful,’ he said.
And looking at that famous face, with its fiercely intelligent eyes pinched into that familiar statesmanlike stare, we can see what he means.
But don’t be too alarmed. As with all disturbing images, it’s important to remember that it’s only a picture, not the real thing.
Posted: 29th, August 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (4)
Keith Richards Looks Like Cliff Richard Chewing A Fag
THE news of Beatrice Langley will no doubt be of interest to Keith Richards.
The Rolling Stone is said to have added the “s” to his name in order to distinguish him from Cliff Richard.
As the years pass, the risk of such confusion becomes increasingly slim.
The Peter Pan of pop has maintained his boyish looks and his popularity with the young generation.
Keef, meanwhile, resembles the rock’n’roll equivalent of Dorian Gray’s portrait.
Yet he remains defiant. First he lit up on stage in defiance of the public smoking ban, and now he has made light of his offence by eating a cigarette during a Stones concert at the O2 Arena in London.
The cigarette was unlit, so this was clearly intended as an ironic two-fingers to authority rather than a tribute to Dirty Sanchez.
“It’s obvious the band thinks the ban is ridiculous,” fan Joanna Jones tells the Sun.
But anyone thinking that Keef copped out should think again.
Chewing tobacco is almost as dangerous as smoking the stuff.
If he carries on chewing, and drinking three bottles of brandy a day, he could be dead within fifty years.
Posted: 28th, August 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (17)
100-Year-Old Beatrice Langley Gets Her Five-A-Day
CONGRATULATIONS to Beatrice Langley on reaching her 100th birthday.
The Mirror shows the Croydonian centurion lighting a fag from one of the candles on her birthday cake. The paper informs us that Beatrice started smoking at the age of seven and averages five a day.
Five a day, as you will know, is the government-recommended number of fruit portions that we are supposed to consume each day. Perhaps five cigarettes is the way to go.
The only caveat is that Beatrice says she doesn’t inhale.
That phrase is of course synonymous with fibbing politicians, although in Beatrice’s case we are prepared to believe her.
She must surely have been tempted to inhale once or twice during her 170,000-odd smokes, but perhaps she is made of sterner stuff than her contemporaries like Old Mr Anorak, who also started on the baccy at a tender age.
These days he is also addicted to morphine (for his stomach), crack (for his nerves) and crystal meth (for his ADD). None of this has affected his ability to smoke eighty Navy Cut a day.
Beatrice says she has no plans to quit.
Posted: 28th, August 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)
Today’s Lapander: Kelly Simpson Introduces Dannii Minogue
“DANNII WAS SO TURNED ON SHE BEGGED ME FOR MORE!”
This is the kind of wild fantasy that you normally only hear when the work experience boy has just given Old Mr Anorak his afternoon crack pipe.
Yet here we have a responsible national newspaper repeating these extraordinary claims.
The allegation is made by “shapely Kelly Simpson”, a former lap dancer at The Number 10s Club in Cardiff. Here she encountered the diminutive Dannii Manogue, who “PAID ME FOR LESBIAN SEX SHOW” and “BEGGED ME FOR MORE”.
And that’s about all you need to know really.
Or is it? We at Anorak believe in looking beyond the headlines and getting to the truth of the matter.
It appears that the pint-sized X Factor judge did indeed visit the establishment in question, and that Kelly did indeed perform for her celebrity customer.
Whether a solitary dancer can single-handedly constitute a lesbian sex show is debatable, but let’s not split hairs.
The further claims are more dubious, however.
Although the paper claims that “the Aussie star was completely smitten”, it is hard to find any evidence that she “begged for more”.
Kelly says that she asked Dannii: “You want another dance, don’t you?”
The miniature minx giggled – not necessarily an indication of begging – and the dance proceeded. She then gave Kelly her money and thanked her for the dance, adding, “I think you’re stunning.”
“It made me feel a million dollars,” says Kelly, although the actual transaction was thirty pounds – about $60.
Nevertheless, a seed was sown in the mind of the young performer. Since that fateful night she has turned her back on poles, become a model, and will shortly be gracing our screens in Ladette to Lady.
She will also be appearing on Radio 4’s agenda-setting Today programme, where she will be delivering her “Thought for the day” and posing in her famous yellow bikini on the programme’s website.
Posted: 27th, August 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)
Rhys Jones Is Everyone’s Pet Cause
RHYS Jones dominates the front pages.
“RHYS JONES 1995-2—7,” says the Mirror’s front page. And there’s a quote from this mother Melanie: “My son, my baby. He was only 11. Shot in the back of his neck from behind. My baby.”
“MY BABY,” says the Sun’s lead headline. “WE’VE LOST OUR BABY,” says the Mail.
There’s a picture of Melanie Jones. Her grief is raw. Her son died in her arms. She cannot stand it. She cannot believe it. Her husband Stephen is devastated. Their son has been shot three times in a pub car park after playing football.
This is a rare crime, the assassination of an 11-year-old boy by, as police believe, a young teenager on a BMX bike.
Looking For Reason
The shock is in the age of the victim. But the Express senses more. “A boy of 11 shot dead…just what has gone wrong with our country?”
“Is gun crime now totally out of control in Britain,” asks the paper. The answer is ‘No’. Gun crime remains rare. The murder of an 11-year-old is extreme. As the Sun says, eight youngsters have been shot dead in London this year, one in Manchester and now Rhys Jones.
But a senseless murder needs to be part of something bigger. This story would be enough for many, but the papers want more.
“RHYS JONES,” says the Sun “VICTIM OF ANARCHY IN THE UK.” And: “How did we sink so low? How do we put it right?”
What’s with the “we”? Only one of us has killed a small boy in his football kit. The rest of us find it appalling and want the culprit found and put away.
But while we wait we need something to blame. And there is not shortage of people willing to point the finger.
Pet Concerns
Frank Soddeen, of Alcohol Concern, blames “BOOZING CULTURE”. Professor Alan Smithers, chairman of the Centre For Education And Employment Research, blames “BAD SCHOOLS”. Norman Brennan, a policeman, blames “LACK OF POLICE”.
The murder of a little boy is now the chance for people to push their own agendas, perhaps even to secure some more funding for their pet causes.
“Let this change us as a nation,” says the Sun’s editorial. This is important. The Sun has no Page 3 today; even Nikki cannot make sense of it.
But the Sun wants to know. So a Sun writer journeys to Liverpool (a place that hates the paper) and visits a housing estate. Sue Evison senses: “Brooding menace on the bleak streets Rhys called home.”
Rhys lived on a private housing estate. While no Eden, it is not bleak. He had been playing football in the park. Evison sees a “square of scrubland – you could hardly call it grass”. TV pictures of the murder scene show a lush expanse of greenery.
Maybe Evison is a green campaigner? Maybe she cannot comprehend how such a hideous crime can occur in so ordinary a place.
It’s hard to make sense of any of it…
Posted: 24th, August 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (14)
The Pie-Eyed Piper: When Pete Doherty Attacks
PETE Doherty is having an online chat with his “fans”.
The Mirror tunes in and sees one fan ask Doherty if his latest drugs arrest was a “PR stunt”.
Pete is enraged. He glows almost slate grey with rage. He threatens to “fuck up” anyone who says it again.
We know better than to accept the challenge. It anyone knows about being f*cked up it is Doherty for whom being f*cked up is a career.
Although if he is as influential as we are told, chances are that his fans are already f*cked up and will hear Pete’s words less of a threat than an offer they dare not refuse.
In what passes for the real world, Pete has been bailed to stay with his friend Barry Parsons in Titinhull, Somerset.
Pete comes to the gates of this country house. He is with his aunty June. To set the record straight and disprove those PR slights he poses for pictures and answers questions.
“Do you want to shut up or I’ll put a bucket of saliva over you,” says Pete to one girl. “I will smash your head in.”
The crowd roars. Bucket of saliva, indeed. And we thought Pete was drying out.
Pete and his new lover Irina Lazareanu head for the Old George Pub in Crewkerne. They drink pints of cider. They pose for pictures with fans. “F*ck me up, Pete” they say in a grin-inducing mantra as the flash guns pop.
Then Cath Mead takes a picture. Pete chases after her. She hides in – irony here – a music shop. He then “repeatedly slammed his boots into her thighs, pulled her hair, then smashed her lens to pieces on the pavement outside”.
Cath says: “He shouted, ‘I’m going to slit your mother’s throat’ and screamed, ‘You’re not going to get away with those pictures, bitch’”
And the saliva? Tells us about the bucket of saliva…
Pete dashes back into the shop and tries to pull the camera from Cath. The heavy strap comes loose. Pete beats her about the head with it. He is then restrained by an off-duty policeman and a passer by.
Doherty then stoles off playing his harmonica with rats, fans and a millions PR reps in tow…
Pete Doherty In Black And White
Posted: 23rd, August 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)
Pete Doherty In Black And White
PETE Doherty waves two fingers to Sun readers who thought there was no life for him outside his romance with Kate Moss. (Pic: Beau Bo D’Or)
Given the popularity of the American one-fingered salute, Pete’s two-fingers seem nostalgic, as if Pete is trying to hark back to the days of Sixties rebellion with a deliberate British quirk.
Look at Pete with his (now ex) stick-thin model, his Bogart cigarette, his beatnik clothes, his wan complexion and his drugs. But we’ve seen it all before. This is pop music rebellion in black and white.
So here’s Pete, “the drug-addled lout”, attending court. He’s accused of having in his possession cocaine and heroin. Readers scoff. Is that all? We’ve got 20 Es and the Braithwaites a number 34 have a skunk factory in the conservatory.
And here’s Doherty being allowed to walk free because the police bungled.
“DOHERTY LAUGHS AT THE LAW ONCE MORE,” says the Sun’s headline. “As drug-crazed yobs terrorise our streets, this one is freed yet again after bungle by police. He’s seen as some as the voice of a generation. It’s a BOBBY SHAMBLES.”
Doherty is seen in the company of a West London court guard. The guard wears purple gloves. In his white shirt and black tie, the guard looks like a Merry Prankster. Doherty looks tame by comparison.
And he looks defiant. The rules are that anyone in breach of bail must appear in court within 24 hours of being arrested. Doherty arrived fashionably late after 31 hours.
Which means he is at large. And free to break the law once more. He should be appearing at a court house near you (see press for details)…
Posted: 22nd, August 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (7)
David Beckham Meets His No. 1 Fan: ‘I’ve Read All Your Books’
THERE’S a teenage girl in David Beckham’s room.
“BECKS AND THE TEEN BABE,” says the Star front-page headline. “Posh fury over hotel scandal.”
We know all too well that Day-vid would never cheat on his beloved. Might this girl be a chamber maid? And might we look forward to other headlines such as “Filipino Woman Strips Becks’ Bed!” and the subsequent confessional “I MISTED UP BECK’S SHOWER DOOR”?
But there is more to it. The Star says the “gorgeous” girl has bypassed security at a Toronto hotel, where Dave is staying with his LA Galaxy team-mates. She’s made it to Beckham’s bedroom door.
A source spots the “creepy girl”. Indeed, for anyone versed in American culture, the stalker is less likely to be a glamour mo-del than a heavy-set woman in the Kathy Bates mould telling Dave she is his biggest fan and has read all his books. She has knitted him some soccer boots from her hair.
Says the source: “She kept saying his name over and over and acted like she knew him… It was like something out of a stalker flick.”
And Dave rubs his ankle. And the crowd, the thousands who have come to see Dave bend it demand that he scores.
“You think I can just whip one out?” asks Day-vid.
“Oh, but we don’t think Paul, we know,” says the crowd…
Posted: 22nd, August 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)
An IC5 Cow: Nina Hobson Is Undercover Mum
INTRODUCING Nina Hobson, aka Undercover Mum.
Nina has a blonde bob, thin lips and a lantern jaw. She has a mission to check up on her children, your children and anyone who comes into contact with children.
Nina used to be a copper. But you never leave the job.
And she’s telling the Sun: “I’ve been involved in my fair share of murder investigations but I’ve turned up some even nastier facts filming for Undercover Mum.”
She goes on: “I can honestly say that nothing could have prepared me for what I found lurking in the food we buy for our children.”
Look again at those “fizzy feet”, kids. Sprinkle that sherbet over your Head And Shoulders. Say no to “carrot fingers”.
TV star Nina is in a JD Wetherspoon Pub. Rushing her dinner down to forensics, Nina of the Chard discovers traces of humped-back zebu in her steak.
She goes to a Hungry Horse eatery. The steak contains DNA from zebu. A zebu is not a horse. Nor a pig. A zebu is a cow!
Nina draws a chalk line around her plate, seals off the area with tape and calls in the scene of crime officers. EXPO SO13 Explosives Officers are summoned.
“Sometimes restaurant mangers would claim the ‘steak’ was 100 per cent British beef. Only when we took the food label to the lab for analysis did we discover to our horror that is was in fact from a zebu.”
And not a second generation British zebu. An IC5 Indian zebu, possibly female.
But Nina has no time to rest. As she tells us: “As my daughter approaches her teenage years, I am mindful that she will experiment with alcohol sooner or later and want to know what goes on away from the watchful eye of parents like me.”
The suggestion is that Nina will not drop it and hop it, leaving her copper’s daughter to enjoy the thrills of a night out by the bus shelter, but set up a surveillance operation disguised as a hoodie or screw-top bottle of hooch.
Knowledge is power. And when Nina confronts her daughter with the evidence, for the purposes of the tape, we will look on and see that a “cow” can come in many shapes and sizes…
Posted: 21st, August 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (5)
Free Abu Hamza And Come Back Omar Bakri
WE cannot but agree that Britain is under threat from Islamist terrorists.
But with “mad mullah” Omar Bakri overseas and “hook-handed” Abu Hamza behind bars, the country has lacked a wire-bearded, gurning loon to focus on. Who would be the new mad face of Britain’s jihadis?
But there has been no-one. Omar Brooks tried. He had the enthusiasm (“I want to be blown into pieces”) but he had only a wispy beard and lacked the verbal technique.
And so it is that we have mixed feelings about the news that Hamza could to free. Without a leader, Britain’s nutcases lack a face. No face means more fear. We need Hamza to reassure us that Islamists are nuts.
And the Express says “hook-handed” Abu Hamza could be back on the streets. Currently serving seven years for inciting murder and racial hatred, Hamza will qualify for parole next year.
Upon his release, US prosecutors hope to arrest him and charge him with terrorism offences.
But now there is trouble. An al-Qaeda supergrass has, apparently, refused to testify against the Finsbury Park firebrand. James Ujaama is charged with helping Hamza set up a terror camp in Oregon. But he is now said to be less than excited about telling tales on Hamza.
And if the US extradition case collapses and the parole board allows it, Hamza could go free.
Tory MP Patrick Mercer says the thought of Hamza on the streets once more is a “horrible prospect”.
But it is not. Hamza on the streets would give us something to focus on, the hook-handed, one-eyed lunatic would give us renewed hope that extremist are not all that hard to spot.
Hook-handed Hamza serves a purpose. And he can open tins and get stones out of horse hooves faster that you can say “Let’s kill everybody!”…
Posted: 20th, August 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (7)
Anarchy In The UK: Fear Of Crime Up
IF recorded violent crime has fallen, why are we so scared of it?
“ANARCHY IN THE UK,” says the Sun’s cover page. “TOO SCARED TO LEAVE OUR HOMES,” says the Mirror’s cover.
“A NATION UNDER SIEGE,” says the Sun. “Britain is on the brink of anarchy after weekend of yob violence.”
A mob has “BESIEGED” a police station. It’s Rio Bravo in Great Yarmouth, Norfolk. It’s Assault on Precinct 13. Three men are arrested. In the van police find sound equipment, the instruments of a rave, a dance party.
People who like to dance in a field and have it in the stack arrive at the police station. Missiles are thrown.
Danger. Claustrophobia and tension. But, as luck has it, the police have hard hats, visors, shields, big sticks and attack dogs.
“No members of the public were hurt,” says the Sun, the words beneath a picture of a besieger with bloodied and bruised face. The thugs arrived looking for trouble. They are dressed in nylon jackets and cloth hoods.
This is violent Britain. This is the police stood in formation and ready to deliver.
But no-one is hurt. This is because, as the Mirror tells us, we are all indoors. A “disturbing” 42 pr cent of people are “too scared of yobs to leave home at night”.
A third of us have called police to “tackle anti-social behaviour”.
Sue Carroll tells readers: “The shocking truth about this survey is that it’s no longer frail and nervous pensioners who are locking and bolting their doors at dusk, afraid to cross their own doorsteps at night, but all of us.”
“Thugs killed Pete for fun,” says the headline. “I nearly died to help girls,” say another. “Agony of stabbed lad family.”
The message is clear – have your newspaper delivered to your door. They will tell you when it is safe to go out again…
Posted: 20th, August 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)
Stupid V Crusty: The Heathrow Airport Intifada
“CLASH OF The CRUSTIES,” says the Mirror as it shows a policeman pushing his thumb onto a man’s nose.
We wonder why the Mirror should resort to name calling. The protestors are not all crusty, just as people who go on holiday for fun are not all “Plane Stupid” (the name of one campaign group). As for the police being crusties, we would not like to comment what lurks beneath the helmet and the leather gloves.
And the police are on horses. They are seeking to “quell” the demonstrators intend on marching on the offices of BAA. They have “surrounded” a number of activists. The Express has a very nice picture of two officers in riot gear surrounding an activist but sticking a truncheon against her neck.
The campaigners have no hope of success. “I kept telling the police to calm down – that we had kids along with us,” says Sandra, 42.
Is this climate changes Intifada, the campaigners’ attempt to make the police look bad by sending out the nippers to throw stones while the snipers scooch around the back?
The protestors will never reach the offices, they must know that. Although the banner “Make Planes History” suggests a mindset that revels in masochism and miserable failure.
The police will win the battle. They can stand in a field for longer than the protestors. They will out crusty the crusties…
The Campaign For Ginger Survival: Redheads Are Dying Out
IN a move akin to ethnic cleansing and eugenics, the Mail reports that red heads are being purged.
The Mail (”Redheads hair today and gone tomorrow”) has seen a report in the National Geographic magazine that says red hair is dying out.
“Global intermingling” has reduced the chance of a red head meeting another read head. This means to a reduction in the opportunities for ginger-ginger mating.
In 100 years, there could be no gingers left, aside from a mating couple in a Chinese zoo.
But there is hope. The Mail says in Scotland the mutant ginger gene is present in 40 percent of the population. A whopping 13 per cent actually have red hair.
Gingers do not have to not move immediately, although property prices in Scotland can be less expensive than other parts, cheaper still once the gingers have moved in.
But the gingers should consider the possibility or turning Scotland into a Ginger Safari park, a place where gingers can be among their own and breed in relative freedom.
And if brunettes and blondes can pay a few pence to come and look, then so be it. If it secures ginger survival, it is but a small price to pay…
Posted: 20th, August 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (9)
Horror Stories: ‘Woman Killed By Kick From Doctor’ And More…
MONDAY
“The e-mail plague driving workers out of their inboxes” – E-mail stress is upon us
“The hospital kitchens that will make you sick” – Nurse! Mr Hartle in Bed 435b (left side) needs a McDonald’s!
TUESDAY
“I was too shy to tell the doctors my embarrassing symptoms – and it nearly killed me” – Andrew Main Wilson tells you about his constipation, diarrhoea and bowel cancer
“The classroom epidemic that makes nits seem nice. There’s no antidote and it’s running riot among our children” – Molluscum Contagiosum is coming to a face near you
PRESCRIPTIONS FOR DISASTER. A six-year-old given a steroid overdose. Cancer patients killed by drugs meant to save them. The grim toll of bungled prescriptions – and why you should always check what you’re taking”
The numbers:
“250,000 – the number of people in the UK thought to have gout”
“IS ILLNESS STARING YOU IN THE FACE?”
Twitching eye? Could be multiples sclerosis
Drooping eyelid? Lung cancer
Bleeding guns? Leukaemia
Small, sharp teeth? Cancer
And many, many more…
WEDNESDAY
“Pub violence has soared by half since 24-hours drinking” – In percentage terms, changing opening times from 11am to 11pm-ish to 24 hours has lowered the risk of violence per hour. Discuss.
“Why the late-30s are a man’s misery years”
“Are militants plotting to infiltrate Heathrow dressed as air crews” – Probably
“Hooked on junk food in the womb” – Researchers at Royal Veterinary College look at babies
THURSDAY
“Unemployment rate is six times higher than official figures” – Says Office Of National Statistics
“Bin tax ‘will double fly-tipping’” – Incredible, we know
“Cut-price booze fuels teen thugs” – So do hooded tops
“As a new survey says the middle years are men’s most miserable” – British Market Research Bureau says life does get better (see Wednesday)
“He covered the house in graffiti and tried to push his mother down the stairs. Luke’s autism tore his family apart – so how did their love for him survive? MY SON THE MONSTER”
FRIDAY
“Doctors warn blood pressure epidemic is ‘out of control’” – LIFESTYLE THAT IS KILLING US” – NIEN OUT OFTN Brtisn expect to suffer huigh blood pressure and be at rick of heart disease, stroke and kidney failure
“Killed by car window. Boy of five strangled as electric motor pushes glass against his neck”
“Delayed cord-cutting ‘may boost a new baby’s health’” – Turn the cord into apron strings
“Woman killed by kick from doctor” – Doctor “accidentally kicks pensioner during examination. HEADLINE OF THE WEEK!
Paul McCartney And Heather Mills Come Together Over Bea
“MACCA and Mucca come together without fighting… COME together, right now …over Bea.”
So says the News of the World, and readers see Paul McCartney and Heather Mills McCartney beside the headline: “We have worked it out.”
Happy days indeed as the wobbly-headed popstar and the nation’s foremost baby oil enthusiast don’t have a fight or make threats via their lawyers as they stand by a car in railway station car park.
It is, as the NOTW, says it is, “sensational”.
“They met in New York for a handover of the daughter whose love is slowly melting the wall of ice between them in their multi-million-pound divorce war,” says the paper.
Readers learn: “At one point three-year-old Beatrice had her arms round the necks of both mummy and daddy—as if willing them back together in a family hug.”
Or trying to throttle them? Or smash their heads together? Or working out which one will pick her up?
There is room for confusion. And not wishing to mislead, the NOTW turns to clinical psychologist Dr Kristina Downing-Orr—“a top body language expert”.
“Considering what’s happened between them in the last year, their behaviour at this meeting is incredible,” she says. “They’re both nervous but that’s over-ridden by their love for Beatrice. And Paul looks very guarded, but I think that’s because he still loves her and is trying to stop her seeing that.”
And: “”I’m sure these pictures show they could still get back together.”
And second time around they will have every chance of making a go at it. Now that she’s got her own millions, money will no longer be an issue.
And they are both famous…
Paul McCartney Takes Over The London Eye Pod
Posted: 19th, August 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
