Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Sienna Miller And Keira Knightley Are Barnacle-Breasted Fishwives
IT can’t be long before we are reading about Sienna Miller’s flirtatious relationship with Keira Knightley.
How if Keira were to go the gay way then Sienna would be the girl for her. How Sienna thinks Keira is the incarnate devil and has an arse to die for.
These British stars are involved a film about the life of Dylan Thomas. And here is Knightley, that statue in flesh and bone, telling the Mail about her awkwardness.
While the Mirror pictures Knightley and Miller, those heartily barnacle-breasted fishwives, frolicking in mildly playful tides, Knightley tells us: “I’ve become phobic about the red carpet because you just get so scrutinised and all I think is I’m going to be in the Top 10 worst dressed list tomorrow.”
We who believed Knightley was thinking of the post-premier buffet are not a little shocked.
She goes on: “I wish I was Sienna Miller. I watch the girl and she’s just fabulous. She talks to everyone and laughs and smiles.”
Such is Miller’s talent.
“When I talk to her, I just hope a bit of her party personality will rub off on me but it never does.”
Never mind, Keira. But they do say opposites attract. So stay tune for developments on the star-struck blinded lovers with film to promote…
Posted: 8th, May 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Wal-Mart, Thieves And Rotten Tomatoes
“I AM A THIEF I STOLE FROM WALMART.”
On reading that, readers half expect to hear another voice pop up to declare: “No. I am a thief I stole from Walmart”. Like a version of TV’s Tell The Truth, Walmart store detectives will be invited to spot the genuine shoplifter from the bevy of contestants.
But today there is only one agonist.
As the Express reports, her name is Lisa King Fithian. She’s 46. And she is spending four hours of two successive Saturdays standing outside the Wal-Mart Supercenter, Attalla City, Alabama, wearing a sign proclaiming her guilt.
It was Fithian’s lot to steal an item worth less than £5, says the Express. The paper fails to tell us what this item is. And in searching for an answer, we note that over at CNN, the item is priced at $7.
British shoplifters looking to head to the US for bargains, and take advantage of the $2 to £1 exchange rate, may reconsider in the light of the Express’s calculations.
And then there is the chance of capture. You might come before Judge Kenneth Robertson Jr,, who will offer you a 60-day jail sentence or the chance to wear the sandwich board of shame.
You will then meet with store manger Neil Hawkins. He tells us: “The only comments we’ve heard so far have been positive. Mot of them thought this was a good thing… Maybe they’ll think twice about doing it.”
Mr Hawkins is over-analysing the matter. He assumes shoplifters think at all. In our experience the theft of small items is a spur of the moment decision, triggered by hunger, desperation, whimsy or dare.
It would be interesting to see if treating thieves to a dose of public humiliation works. Or if the practice remains unchecked, the theft continue and Ms Fithian makes off with two pieces of white card ($10) and more rotten tomatoes than you can stuff into your bra…
Posted: 8th, May 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (4)
Paris Hilton Planned To Go To Jail?
“CAN pampered Paris survive jail?” asks the Express.
Unusually for the Express, readers are not invited to respond via a phone poll.
(Today’s burning issue is: “Should be the veil be banned in schools”? We commend to your attention the front-page headline: “AT LAST THE VEIL BANNED IN CLASS”. Vote “Yes” I am a right-thinking Express reader or “No” I am a rubber fetishist and if Miss Jenkinsop wants to wear a mask to teach RE she should be allowed to. Mr Mahmoud did. Equality. Humans rights. And so forth.)
Whether or not Paris Hilton can survive jail seems something the Express considers to be beyond its readers’ understanding. Issues of race and gender are a breeze compared to a socialite’s 45-day jail term for driving while banned.
Pending an appeal – as if the judiciary can back down now – on June 5, Paris will take up residence of a 12ft by 8ft cell with a twin bunk and hot and cold running effluent provided by a handy open-plan toilet.
Says Paris’s lawyer, Howard Weitzman: “I’m surprised and disheartened” at this “uncalled for, inappropriate and [bordering] on the ludicrous” matter. “I think she is singled out because of who she is.”
Yes, that’s right, Paris is the victim. Weitzman should tread very carefully. Hilton’s career is based on her being the instigator. She is mistress of all she does. A boyfriend sells a sex tape and Paris profits immensely. Paris chooses to go out knickerless. Paris chooses to be vacant. Paris chooses to drive a Bentley while her driving licence is suspended.
Paris chooses to go to jail. You can only dream of driving a £120,000 machine while banned. Paris does it.
If Paris is the victim she becomes like the rest of us. She might even – and shudder at this – become a cause. Paris cannot be so. She must take her punishment and like it or else the legend will be dead.
And we will say “no” Paris cannot survive jail. And all will be lost…
Picture: 14
Posted: 7th, May 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (5)
Too Fat, Vanishing Sparrows, Mad Joints, London Gangs And Diabetes
EVERY day of every week the Mail thinks up imaginative ways to remind you that life is cruel and you are going to experience pain and die.
And if it can’t think any up, it looks at the latest scientific research.
Here is a selection of things that will kill you and yours from last week’s paper of doom…
MONDAY
“TOO FAT FOR NHS SURGERY” – Risk of operating on obese people, higher, says “doctors”
“Post-natal depression hits 20pc of mothers” – Study by Royal College of Psychiatrists says 10 per cent; Royal College of Midwives says 27 per cent
“Why are so many woman getting MS” – Immigrants?
“Mobile phone masts blamed over the vanishing sparrows” – And the bees?
“HOW HEALTH ‘N’ SAFETY STOLE MY COUNTRY”. SUNCREAM FOR NIGHT-SHIFT WORKERS, HARD HATS ON DONKEY RIDES. AND EVEN A SAFETY GUIDE FOR THE SMALLEST ROOM. In the second part of his rumbustious series, Richard Littlejohn says you couldn’t invent the barmy diktats now blighting Britain” – Oh, go on Richard try. What about a spliff with every copy of the Mail, you know to help relieve the anxiety, or increase it…
TUESDAY
“Half a joint ‘can bring on symptoms of schizophrenia’” – So says Dr Deepak D’Souza of Yale University School of Medicine, both of him
“A helicopter hunts two boys on a pedalo. Villagers facing court for giving away sherry at a fair. In the third of his brilliant series, RICHARD LITTLEJOHN picks our PC police’s maddest moments” – It’s political madness gone mad
“Drug rationing will leave me blind and put my wife in care” – More tea, love?
“By blues made me cut my wrists” – Post-natal depression, a woman’s story
THE NUMBERS:
240,000 – the number of people thought to be suffering from ME in the UK
“Homeopathy is worse than witchcraft – and the NHS must stop paying for it” – HEADLINE OF THE WEEK
WEDNESDAY
“Migrants ‘who’ve grown used to violence are behind many of the 171 London gangs’” – Scotland Yard realises that poor people new to an area can turn to crime. They aren’t detectives for nothing
“Caesareans can raise risks for the next birth” – Says a study at Ottawa University
“Women giving birth in the corridor. Only two midwives for 24 mothers. Why radio and TV star Jeremy Vine, as a new father, is terrified by the crisis on our maternity ward” – A new dad finds a way to feel involved
THURSDAY
“Rise in diabetes ‘to hit fertility’” – Queen’s University of Belfast researchers find that those with Type 1 diabetes have twice as many defective sperm as those without the condition. But the defective sperm shouldn’t get through, what with them being defective…
“The black widow that is biting its way across Britain” – run don’t walk from the false black widow spider which has taken up residence in Dorset
“HOW COULD FATE BE SO CRUEL? When magazine boss Lindsay Nicholson lost her husband and daughter to cancer, she thought life had nothing more to throw at her. She rebuilt her career, found new love and raised another child. Then came a shattering blow” – Happy days
“Seven pints of beer ‘shrinks the brain’” – The Brain?
FRIDAY
“Sorry, my sister has mucked up her life, and if her only kidney fails I’m not going to donate one of mine to save her” – happy families
“The Internet generation struggles to make friends” – Says Save the Children
“One in 5 Britons has DNA that can double risk of a heart attack” – say researchers at Reykjavik biotechnology firm deCODE
Paris Hilton Thinks…
PARIS Hilton is going to jail, most likely. (Picture: The Spine.)
But what does this mean? Will Paris go on to record a hit song with Justin Timberlake? It is he who tells us: “I think we blend well and he says he has something in mind for both of us. I can’t wait.”
Such is the shrinking pool of talent in the Hollwywood Hills that Timberlake, who once dated Britney Spears, is now thinking of singing with Paris Hilton, who once went out flashing with Spears.
The only certainty is that Paris will not disappear…
Paris thinks…
Posted: 6th, May 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (5)
Caption This: Paris Hilton’s Low Sodium Diet
PARIS HILTON has been sentenced today to 45 days at the Century Regional Detention Centre, Los Angeles County’s jail for women.
Inside, Paris can expect a diet of three low-sodium meals a day (insert joke here). Beef and pork are not allowed (and again).
“I’m very sorry and from now on I’m going to pay complete attention to everything. I’m sorry and I did not do it on purpose at all,” says Paris in court.
“It’s all poultry-based”, says Captain Alice Scott.
Posted: 5th, May 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (71)
Darling Buds Of May: Britney Spears Is Merkin About
BRITNEY Spears has got her “BRITS OUT FOR THE LADS”.
After a month in rehab “playful” Britney Spears is “blossoming again”, says the Mirror as its front page is graced with the sight of a topless Britney Spears.
The paper looks on appreciatively as Britney poses for a camera. According to the paper, Britney has picked two orange flowers and used them to conceal her Nipneys.
But how does it know. We who have never seen Britney’s nipples believe this could be them. If she can shave her head then why not have her nipples rearranged to look like two tufted violets?
Right it is then that Britney makes it to the Mirror’s page 3, the newspaper repeating the front-page photograph for those readers who missed it the first time.
Some readers looking for tales of local elections, Scottish independence and Iraq may mistake this for trite news, a sign that the Mirror has not a clue what its doing, repeating a pap story that Anorak broadcast two days ago.
At least the Sun, which shows the same picture, makes reference to Britney’s latest comeback bid.
The paper spots Britney appearing on stage in Anaheim, California. “I need a hit, baby give it to me,” says Britney as she by pushes a finger to her nose.
Fans are shocked. Fans demand their money back. Sun readers wonder why picking your nose can cause such offence. There may be a drugs connotation, but do note that this is California and the bylaws are fierce. Nose picking is something you do at Messers Nip ‘n’ Tuck’s surgery mall, not on stage.
But Britney is not finished. She is chewing gum and singing at the same time. Well, not singing, exactly, but miming.
“What a total rip off,” moans one fan.
But we beg to differ. What more do Americans want? A shaved head, tattoos, nipples like tufted violets and now miming and chewing gum at the same time!
When is enough enough? Strap some cymbals to your knees, Britney, a kazoo to your upper lip and fashion tour merkin into a small polar bear.
Is it any wonder Britney cracked under the pressure?
Posted: 4th, May 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Bluewater Bombed: Old Bailey Terror Jury’s Guilty Secrets
IS it time professional jurors were introduced to British courts?
In “WHAT REALLY HAPPENED ON THE BLUEWATER BOMB PLOT JURY – DISORDER IN COURT” the Mirror hears from juror Michael Symes.
Symes is one of 12 jurors who spent the last 13 months of their lives at the terrorism trial that saw Jawad Akbar, Omar Khyam, Waheed Mahmood, Anthony Garcia and Salahuddin Amin jailed for life at the Old Bailey.
Symes is billed a computer programmer. But he cannot have been doing much computer programming in the last year and more. Indeed, we suggest that Symes now eke out a new career as a professional juror.
But before that, we hear what went on.
Says he: “We would be stood down at 10:30 and some would go to the pub at 11am. One time we returned to court next day and I heard them say some of them had stayed in the pub until 10pm – that’s 11 hours.”
Well, this was a tense case. And while many British jurors would have remained longer in the pub, at least until last orders, others do have homes and families do see. Stress can interfere with a juror’s drinking. Be warned.
Symes goes on: “Another time we turned up and there were only 11 of us. One man was being examined by the matron and we were stood down for the day while they arranged a taxi.
“I asked another juror what the problem was. She said he was hung over which I thought was outrageous. She said, ‘Have you never been hung over?’ I said, ‘Yes, of course I have but not on jury service’. I thought I was just about the only one with any morals or ethics.”
We are not here to judge, only to listen as moral and ethical Symes tells the papers his story.
“The jury split into factions,” adds Symes. “There was a lot of bitchiness…it was very two-faced.”
But now Symes is versed in the machinations of jury service, might it be an idea to retain his services and those of his fellow jurors?
It is not everyone who can spend 13 months sat in court listening to testimony. And having done it once, we urge the judiciary to pass legislation to elevate jurors to the professional ranks.
Indeed, better yet, if the cameras are allowed into court and the whole thing turned into a reality TV show.
Come on down, Juror No.1. “Hello. My name’s Joyce, I’m into knitting, looking after the grand-kiddies and chemical castration. To date I have delivered nine guilty verdicts, two non-guilty verdicts and a manuscript to my agent…
Posted: 4th, May 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)
Lemmy A Kinder Egg: Motorhead’s Tour Rider
THE band’s tour rider is the stuff of legend.
From clean boxer shorts (Jane’s Addiction), mistletoe and wine (Cliff Richard) to Iggy Pop’s rider which ran for 18 pages and included a rant about a “fat, bearded hippy”, a threat to chop the recipient into “a hundred pieces” and the idea for a reality TV show called “Dead Dog Island”.
And now the Sun brings news of Lemmy’s rider.
Lemmy (as in “Lemmy a fiver”) is the frontman for Mortorhead, the band famed for the Ace of Spades and the line “You’re jailbait and I just can’t wait”. It turns out that Lemmy is a Kinder Egg enthusiast.
Music fans will recoil at this and doubtless see some perversion flash before their inner eye. What do Lemmy and the lads need with these eggs?
But Lemmy is just a big spotty kid at heart and loves collecting the toys that come secreted within the chocolate eggs.
The Kinder Surprise eggs are a condition of Lemmy performing at this summer festival in the Norwegian town of Steinkjer.
The show’s organisers should ensure that Eggs are bought individually and in packs “because then it’s more likely the toys inside are different”.
Lemmy is right, as ever.
There is little in life more disappointing than cracking opening a Kinder Suprise to find a repeat of a toy you already have in your collection.
It’s as much use as a chocolate teapot (see Britney Spears’ tour rider)…
Posted: 4th, May 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)
Prince Harry Is Attacked
IF Prince Harry won’t go to the terror, the terror will come to Harry.
As the Sun reports in “HATE –FILLED DRUNK’S IRAQ RANT AT HARRY”, the young prince has been “set upon by a violent thug”.
While out for an evening’s refreshment at London’s Azteca Lounge, a man approaches Harry.
“Why don’t you just p*** off to Iraq and get yourself killed, you ginger t***,” he suggests.
The man’s identity is not known. And our blood chills at the thought that he might have had a wiry beard.
A witness explains: “This guy came out of nowhere and just started hurling abuse at Prince Harry.”
A surprise attack by an insurgent, eh?
“Harry’s reaction was one of shock. He stood facing the guy – and then the chap lunged at Harry as is he was trying to punch him.”
Harry shot him, right? And planted a flag in his right nostril?
He never got the chance – “That was when his bodyguards intervened. It could have got ugly but Harry kept his temper and let it sort itself out.”
Well done, Harry for keeping cool under enemy fire. And he has duly passed Stage 1 of his Urban Warfare Challenge.
Now for Stage 2 – getting to the next bar without being spotted…
Posted: 4th, May 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)
The End Of Celebrity: OK! Beats Hello! – Zeta Jones And Douglas Take The Cake
WHO knew that when Catherine Zeta-Jones married Michael Douglas the whirlwind of romance would see them end up in court?
Of course, reformed sex addict Douglas and his far younger wife have not been speaking to divorce lawyers. Their love warms all it touches like a cosy travel rug spread over Michael’s youthful knees.
The couple went to court to fight for the right to sell photographs of their amazingly romantic wedding to whomsoever they want to. Exclusively.
Celebrity friends
OK! got the scoop. And Hello! was left to take secret pictures at the ceremony in a bid to match its rival. Hello! published six blurred pictures in all. And OK!, which had paid £1million for the exclusive rights to cover the 2000 wedding, was outraged.
In 2003, OK! sued. Hello! was ordered to pay damages. But then that was overturned on appeal. And now, OK!’s stable mate the Daily Star reports that the original ruling has been upheld at the High Court and Hello! must pay up.
Richard Desmond, owner of OK! and the Daily Star, tells his papery organ: “OK! has always been a friend of celebrities and the management and owners of Hello! behaved so despicably that I had to take the case all the way.” (See the matey “Keira’s Looking bonier than ever” in this week’s OK!.)
Indeed. Had Hello! won what would have stopped any glossy magazine or website equipping a wedding guest with a happy snapper and scooping the opposition who had paid so dearly for exclusivity?
A spokesman for Express newspapers tells an Express newspaper: “For Hello! to be exposed as preying on celebrities in this way may cause irreversible damage to it reputation.”
Taking The Cake
Was it not Miss Zeta-Jones who was made to feel “violated” by the “sleazy and unflattering photographs”. If one thing is to be guaranteed at a star-studded bash it is that the bride should look as is she has been dipped in cream and appear as flawless as a baby’s bum.
Who can forget that image of Douglas holding a spoonful of wedding cake and serving it to his beloved? Catherine was outraged – even it was one in the eye for those cynics who said it would be she looking after him, she feeding him with a spoon or straw.
The End Of Celebrity
But we wonder if OK! has erred? Might it be that Hello!, with its staple diet of minor European royalty and chinless wonders, should chance tack? Might it be that Hello! should become the antithesis of all the pappy, cloying, sycophantic bilge OK! pumps out?
Might it be that with celebrity at its apogee, it is time for the new Hello! to pull the red carpet out.
Here’s to the new Hello! – enemy to the celebrity; friend to the fat, pot-marked, bloated masses…
Suited And Booted Out: Lord Browne’s Gay Lesson To City Boys
ONE day on in the life of Jeff Chevalier, former lover to disgraced BP chief Lord Browne.
This is a really interesting story of how a man’s brilliant career became undone by a “white lie”. It’s a study in mores and values and how the world of big businezzzzzzzz…
Sorry, where were we? Oh, yes. As the Mail’s front-page says: “Sun King and his escort boy.” There they are on a boat, cruising.
And there’s the “seedy website” that offers £1 to charity for every booking. “The name might convey an image of City respectability,” says the Mail. The site is “suited and booted”, the web address for which is provided.
But this site does not offer the usual City Boy pursuits of lap-dancing and getting pie-eyed on lunchtime drink. Oh, no, this site is “littered with images of naked and semi-naked men in bizarre fetish gear”. This is the site that puts the bondage in bonds.
Mail readers are likely to be appalled and mentally scared. And as minds reel with images of puckered naked flash restrained in leather manacles, the Mail says this is the kind of thing Lord Brown was “unlikely” to have been studying at his polished desk at BP Towers.
Indeed, in the City, the required reading is something more akin to Trader-Sticky-Vicky.org, Secretary-Seduction.biz and Merchant-Banker.co.uk.
This suited and booted perversion is something else in the chauvanistic, male-dominated world of the hedge fund and financial instruments.
Pictures of men called Romeo, Big Alex and Beloved strike “provocative poses”, their young tight flesh encased in “leather outfits and chains”.
“Suited and booted is advertised with a string of familiar agencies in listings columns on the internet,” says the Mail.
Find “stunning, educated guys with great personalities and friendly attitude”, says the blurb. City types looking for a new career away from the desk might be turned onto the idea.
But this is a seedy thing. This is how Lord Browne found his lover, Jeff Chevalier, who is all set to tell his morality tale to the Mail on Sunday.
We advise City workers to ignore it. Don’t look. Do not visit suited and booted lest it turn you gay and undo your career.
Confine yourself, dear City Boy, to more accepted and normal pursuits like the Pound in a Pin Glass strip show at the Knicker And Tart, ogling the secretary and popping out with Bob ‘The Inseminator’ for a lunchtime livener.
Let Lord Browne be a cautionary tale to one and all…
Posted: 3rd, May 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)
We’re All Harry Now: Prince Harry Wins War In Iraq
“I’M HARRY.” No, “I’m Harry”. And “I’m Harry”. And “I’m Harry”. We are all Prince Harry now.
Anorak’s belief that Prince Harry will win the war in Iraq moves one step closer to fruition as the British troops take to wearing their ‘I’m Harry’ T-shirts.
Scrawled in blood-red dye on khaki tops, the message is seen by the Mirror as one of “defiance”. Our brave boys and girls will not kowtow to threats from the frothing-at-the-mouth enemy to do down young Harry Baseball Cap.
The paper says this is just like Spartacus, the film in which the Roman slaves rise up and proclaim one by one “I’m Spartacus”.
Of, course it is believed the real Spartacus died in battle and, chillingly, his body was never found.
But chin up, Harry. The boys are looking out for you.
And in modern warfare there is a chance you will not have fight dressed in a pair of leather greaves and a loin cloth, armed with a lance and a catapult. Or fight at all.
As the Sun reports, Prince Harry will only be sent to Iraq when his comrades have given the all clear that it is, er, safe to do so.
The plan is for soldiers in Harry’s Blues and Royals regiment to arrive in Iraq before him and familiarise themselves with the terrain and the enemy. All being well, they will clear the area of insurgents so making it safe for Harry when he arrives to lead his troop.
A source tells the Mail: “Everyone has sympathy for the prince but it is an increasingly difficult situation and one that is changing day by day.”
Of course, this is all part of Operation Spartacus.
Anorak realises that Harry’s arrival in Iraq will coincide with the order “Ginger Biscuit”, a trigger for all military personnel in that war-torn land to don a red wig and take hold of a small bottle of alcopops.
The enemy will race out of their rat holes to take on ‘Harry’. They will be overpowered and slaughtered.
And the best bit is that Harry need not go to war. Just the spectre of his presence in Iraq will be enough to secure victory.
Tally-ban!
Posted: 3rd, May 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (5)
British Teach Them To Speak Foreign Properly
THE best thing about ex-pats is that they don’t live here.
But they are doing a good job over there, teaching the locals about the horrors of life in the UK – so keeping them from invading. (Pic: Beau Bo D’Or)
But how they communicate is a matter of concern for the Express.
The paper says Britons complain about foreigners coming over here and not speaking the language.
Anorak readers will doubtless recall the Express’s phone vote of last December: “SHOULD all immigrants be forced to learn English?”
There was a phone number to dial for “YES” and a number for “NO”. All non-English speaking immigrants, those unable to read the Express’s burning question, let alone ask for the use of a telephone, were invited to grunt and stuck out their tongues for “yes please, sah” or shook their heads in a side-to-side motion and bowed deeply for “no, no, no thank you, bwass”. The Express is an equal opportunities newspaper.
But now the Express says Britons over there are spurning the local lingo in favour of sticking to their own language, failing to assimilate and living in closely knit ghettoes.
A survey tells us that more than half of Britons with overseas homes have not learned the local language.
But we believe this study is wrong. The truth is that these Britons are teaching the French, Spanish and more to speak their languages as the English do.
The vision is that with thousands of Britons heading to the Continent, Johnny Foreigner will learn to speak the language of his forefathers like what he ought to.
This way we can all jog along nicely and there will no more room for misunderstanding.
After all, if it wasn’t for the British they’d all be speaking German. Right readers…
Posted: 2nd, May 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (7)
Prince Harry Kills Abu Ayyub al-Masri
THAT Prince Harry is off to Iraq is a matter of recorded fact and order. But is he going to war? As the Express hears him say: “No, because I don’t think they’ll let me anywhere near the fighting.”
But already the are signs that Harry is winning the battle.
Abu Ayyub al-Masri is dead and, as the Express reports, this is “the terror chief who put a £250,000 bounty on the head of Prince Harry”.
Harry is due to got to Iraq. A decision has been made. And moments later his nemesis is killed.
Hurrah for Harry.
Tally-ban!
Do Not Badger The Witness: Lord John Browne Is Run Out Of BP
FOR those of you not turned on to the delights of badger watching, there is “exercising in Battersea Park”.
Lord Browne of Madingley found himself behaving in such a fashion. And in the course of his callisthenics and stretchers he claimed to have happened across one Jeff Chevalier.
The Express reports on its front page that Browne, chief executive of BP until he just quit, “picked out” the Canadian from a “sordid gay website” called Suited and Booted.
It is clear that we need to establish the facts. The Times has Mr Chevalier at 27 years of age, while the Express says this jogging Canadian is “in his 30s”.
We would suggest the Express has erred, what with the Mirror and Mail leading with the age of 27.
But the Express is somewhat expert in matters of sleazy sex, what with it being involved with the Fantasy Channel and Red hot TV. We must allow for its expert knowledge in matters sordid.
Whatever the meeting, jogging or surfing, things moved on apace and Browne and Chevalier embarked on a four year-year relationship
And, as lovers do, they helped each other. Chevalier helped Browne, 59, stay fit. And Browne made “substantial payments” to his lover. He paid for him to study business at the University of Westminster, thus enabling the foreign national to remain in the country on a student visa.
But this was not enough. The relationship ended. And, as the Times says, in the time-honoured traditions of spurned lovers of rich and powerful men, Chevalier contacted the Mail on Sunday to sell his story.
Chevalier would tell all. He’d tell us about the £2,000 suits he wore. He’d tells us about how Browne used BP funds, facilities and staff to set Chevalier up in a mobile phone business. He’d tell us about discussions he overhead between Browne and the likes of Tony Blair and Gordon Browne. There was a dinner at Peter Mandelson’s house.
And as a result of his kiss ‘n’ tell Chevalier may earn a few quid for some new running shoes.
Browne was displeased. He went to court. He lied in court about how he had met Chevalier. And that was enough to do him down.
And now, the Mail on Sunday will seek to press on and publish the details of Mr Chevalier’s account.
“HUBRIS, LIES AND FALL OR THE SUN KING,” says the Mail’s cover. It’s all a matter of principle, you see.
The gay sex is not the story at all. Not for upstanding Mail readers. Even if the Express will use its front page to scream: “BP CHIEF QUITS IN RENT BOY SCANDAL.”
Posted: 2nd, May 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Prince Harry Leads The Ronald McDonald Army To Victory in Iraq
TALLY-Ban! Prince Harry will go to Iraq and win the war!
In the next few weeks, Harry will be deployed to Iraq.
General Sir Richard Dannatt, Chief of the General Staff, says Harry will go. “I have taken the decision,” says he.
There Harry will lead a team of 11 soldiers. But in what way has yet to be confirmed. The Mail says, “Tellingly, he [Dunnatt] made no mention of whether Harry will be allowed to lead his troop of 11 soldiers on long-range patrols.”
Why this is telling, the Mail does not enlarge upon. Indeed, readers may think it more telling were Dunnatt to tell the world exactly what Harry will be doing when he arrives in the warzone.
Of course, Anorak suspects Harry will win the war. His presence will flush the insurgents out and make them easier to kill and capture.
And, in any case, the enemy says they know what Harry’s going to be doing. As the Shia militia Mahdi army has said: “We have people inside the British bases to inform us when he will arrive.”
All part of the plan, of course. Harry arrives. The Army stick red wigs on their own heads and atop each passing camel. The enemy charges about firing at everything. And they are picked off.
We win. Ronald McDonald gets a foothold in Iraq. And all is right with the world.
Hurrah!
Posted: 1st, May 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (7)
British Captives: Arthur Batchelor Loses It
IRAN will have to wait for Arthur Batchelor’s Man At Ahmadinejad suit to be repatriated.
It has come to our notice that Batchelor has mislaid his passport and is duly unable to travel to the front line.
Why such a celebrity figure as Able Seaman Batchelor should still require a passport is a moot point. All we know is that the man the Iranians nicknamed Mr Bean has lost it.
As the Mail reports, it is believed Batchelor lost his passport when it was returned with the rest of his kit to the Royal Marine base in Chivenor, North Devon.
And until the passport can be located, Batchelor is forced to assume temporary duties aboard HMS Drake shore base in Plymouth.
(It is not thought that HMS Drake is in Iranian waters, but these things are movable and there is room for controversy.)
Over in the Mirror, which paid for Batchelor’s story, the navigator has been “pictured wandering the streets” in uniform.
The paper reminds its reader that Batchelor’s current billet in the UK has “nothing” to do with those pictures of him engaged in mock kidnap in a Plymouth nightclub.
As an HMS Drake spokesman says: “We can confirm Arthur Batchelor is still in Plymouth and has not returned to HMS Cornwall. He has been delayed by an administrative problem and it has nothing to do with any disciplinary matter.”
Or because the Navy was to make an example of him. Or because he doesn’t want to go. Or because he left the passport in his suit pocket…
Keep up with Arthur’s comings and not-goings on his blog.
Milking it: I Was Boy George’s Sex Slave
“IT’S a good laugh all this,” says Boy George of the tale that he was planning to kidnap a male escort and use him as a bondage slave.
Auden Carlsen, 28, claims he was hired for the princely sum of £400 to pose for pictures in George’s flat.
George’s brother Kevin tells the Mirror that the singer met Carlsen on a Gaydar Commercial dating service.
Carlsen denies offering sex for rent and says he agreed to model clothes for George’s fashion shop in London.
And in Carlsen’s version of events, he is chained to the wall at said flat. George pops out at 5am to get some milk. What role the milk is set to play in this tableau is unsaid.
And then George returns “brandishing sex toys and whips”. (London truly is the 24-hour city where even the milkman’s float comes equipped with all manner of goods and services.)
But Carlsen panics. He claims to wrench a hook from the wall. Wearing only his underpants, he flees. Possibly screaming. He arrives at a newsagents. The calls the police.
Says a police spokesman, with handcuffs and truncheon nearby: “Hackney CID are investigating an allegation of false imprisonment and common assault. A man in his 40s has been arrested in connection with these allegations.”
George has been pinched. George has been bailed.
George is asking us how we like our tea…
Posted: 1st, May 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (8)
Sea You: Faye Turney And British Hostages Return To Iraq
“FAYE BACK IN IRAQ,” thunders the Sun’s front-page headline. And we learn that Faye Turney, she of the tears and the dirty knickers, is heading beck to the scene of her fame.
“Gutsy” Faye is returning to her ship off Iraq just weeks after being set free from so much enforced headscarf-wearing, ping-pong and dirty knickers.
As a recovered and brave Faye tells the paper: “HMS Cornwall is where I belong and it’s where my friends are.”
And Faye is not making the journey alone. As reported, she will be accompanied not by a publisher, ghost writer and stylist but by seven colleagues who also endured the Iranian regime’s hospitality.
They are “brave” says the Sun. And they will once again be patrolling the wasters near the Iranian border – but not over it. In small inflatable boats, Faye and her colleagues will look for this and that.
Once more ‘Topsy’ Faye Turney will hold Arthur Batchelor to her bosom and play mummy.
And now the Iranians know Faye’s coming, they might seek to reacquaint themselves with former friends.
What odds Turney and her crew being seized and held accountable for the theft of one headscarf and a rack of Man at Ahmadinejad suits?
And what of President Ahmadinejad asking for a share of spoils from the stories Turney and Batchelor sold.
After all, what would they be without him?
Posted: 30th, April 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Red Army: Princess Beatrice Joins Prince Harry At The Front
AS PRINCE Harry prepares to flush out Iraqi insurgents, so making them easier to slaughter, his cousin Princess Beatrice is preparing for life without him.
“Anything Harry can do…” says the caption beneath the Mail’s front-page picture of Bea looking pie-eyed.
“ONE’S TOO MANY BEA?” asks the Mirror, looking on as the 18-year-old enjoys a night out at royal enclave Boujis, London.
“You could tell she was having a heavy night,” says an onlooker. The Mail sees Bea stumble out the nightclub at 3:15am. Readers are made aware of her “smudged” and “less-than-perfect complexion” that features two pimples.
Our royalist sensibilities prevent us from commenting on Bea’s lazy-looking left eye, which seems to be trying to peer up her right nostril.
And we applaud Bea. Oh yes. Anorak realises that Harry will win the war in Iraq. As the insurgents emerge lemming-like from their holes and bunkers to snatch at Harry, they will be slaughtered and the war won.
But one Harry might not be enough. We need lots if this is to be over by Christmas. And who better to accompany Harry to the frontline in the War on Terror than his ginger-haired kin?
Put the hair in a bun and a drink in her hand and what sex-starved, rabid gunman would know the difference between Harry and Bea?
Hurrah for Bea. Hurrah for Harry.
And Hurrah for Sarah Ferguson, who is thought to be dedicating her own Madame Tussauds’ waxwork to the cause.
Come on royal gingers, your country needs you…
Posted: 30th, April 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)
Heir Smiles: Prince Andrew Is ‘Cheap’
WHILE Princess Beatrice prepares to fill Prince Harry’s brogues, and his place at the bar, her dad, Prince Andrew, is holding his skis like he means it.
To the untutored eye, it would seem that Andrew is on holiday again.
But, as the Mail reports, Andy is Britain’s “roving ambassador for trade” and on closer inspection we realise that the skis are available from Bob’s Discount Ski Shed just off the M4 between Windsor and Staines.
As the Mail reports, Andy made almost 300 trips last year, half in the UK and half oversees. This afforded him little time for golf. But such is his selfless dedication to duty, other jobs often go by the wayside.
Rightly, Andy’s hard work does not come cheap. This year, as the paper says, Andy and his team’s work is to cost £500,000.
Says Andy: “If you’re doing what I’m doing, the only way to increase a country’s awareness of what the UK can provide is to go and visit and maintain that relationship.”
The Express (“I’M NOT A POINTLESS PRINCE”) notes “the growing public suspicion that what he calls ‘work’, the rest of us would call a non-stop round of jollies, all at the expense of the taxpayer”. But we would be wrong.
Andrew goes on: “In terms of return on investment in the UK, bearing in mind I am part of a number of people, I would suggest that £500,000 is cheap at the price.”
Indeed.
With Harry winning the war in Iraq and Andrew extolling the benefits of air travel and Bob’s skis, the UK is a far better place for the Royal Family.
Hurrah for them. And Prince Edward!
Posted: 30th, April 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Vote For Sharia Law In The UK
SO much for Cherie Law – the law of increasing returns.
The Express leads with news of Sharia law and how a court in Dewberry, West Yorkshire, is called the Sharee Council.
In no way is Sharee, sorry, Cherie Blair thought to be involved with this local judiciary, a “draconian court system” run by “Muslim radicals”.
And Dewsberry, as the Express notes, is the very place where 7/7 bomber Mohammed Siddique Khan lived.
Good of the Express to highlight this legal pluralism which binds communities on civil matters within their own religious codes. These courts of arbitration may be quicker and cheaper than more traditional British courts.
And, of course, these courts show how important the rule of law is even when a nutcase like Khan is doing his damnedest to undo it.
“Should Muslims have their own law here?” asks the Express in its daily phone poll. The clear answer is ‘Yes’. But readers should not get ahead of themselves.
We should listen to both sides of the argument, for this is the way of things. Leo McKinstry agrees to be the Express’s Devil’s Advocate.
In “We cannot sit back and let Sharia law take root in Britain”, and beneath a picture of the aforesaid murderous nutcase Khan, the Express columnist sees the “end of traditional British justice”.
No, not because Tony Blair and his minions have thought about locking people up for 90 days without charge, an attack on habeas corpus, but as a result of Sharia courts which specialise in “quasi-judicial religious zealotry”.
But if might work. Sheikh Yaqub Munshi, who operates Dewsberry’s Sharee law, tells the paper he aims to help those who will not seek a solution in British courts.
Readers learn that some Muslim women will only go to a Sharia court to escape a bad marriage or avoid and arranged one. Now they can be helped.
Of course, if they don’t like the verdict or the treatment, Muslim women and men can always take their chances in a British court.
Where mistakes never occur…
Posted: 30th, April 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (5)
Prince Harry’s Inner Turmoil – ‘I’m S****ing Myself’
PRINCE Harry is just like you and me. Remove the silver spoon and you’ll probably find that it’s coated in curry sauce.
As the News Of The World hears him declare: “I’m s****ing myself!”
Harry is looking at the prospect of taking on the Taliban in Iraq. Or course, a stint on Army rations will tighten Harry’s bowels, perhaps for weeks.
Whatever the inner turmoil, Harry is holding a farewell party for friends and others.
Harry tells the assembled hooray Henry and Henriettas at London’s exclusive Mahiki club: “I’m a nervous wreck. I’ve waited a long time and just want to get out there and serve my country.”
But Harry is ready. He vows: “I’m prepared to do anything they throw at me.”
It’s not often we hear Harry speak, And the NOTW has surely scored a scoop in capturing Harry in such loquacious mood.
We give him the field. He goes on: “Whether I serve on the front line or carry out a desk job in Basra I just want to get out to Iraq and serve my country.”
Tally-ho!
“I’ll be honoured to serve as best I can — whatever I do. I have to listen to the orders of my commanding officers. Sadly, it’s out of my hands.”
Tally-ban!
“I’m proud of the men I’ve trained with over the last few months but I have to respect that they need to be safe as well.”
Tally-friend or foe!
“It’s a great, great feeling to go to Iraq. I don’t know what to expect. I’m nervous, excited and apprehensive …and I’m really looking forward to it. I just want to get out there and do it.”
Hey, mister tally man, tally me banana!
Last orders…
Posted: 29th, April 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)
Kate Middleton Blames Charles For Breaking With Prince William
AFTER the tennis and the shopping, Kate Middleton is heard saying why she and Prince William broke up.
The Mirror hears Kate tell workmates: “It’s because of his daddy.”
Aware of Prince Charles’ track record as an adulterer and wannabe tampon, readers may well blanch at the mention of Charles.
As Princess Diana once opined, “There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded.” Might it be that William was not the only Windsor making a play for Kate? Can it be that Charles awakened to Middleton’s charms?
While minds reel, Philip Higgs, 23, billed as “a witness to the revealing scene at the offices of fashion chain Jigsaw”, tells us: “She had about 10 people asking if she was all right and I think she just lost her rag.
“She said ‘It’s because of his daddy’. Everyone raised their eyebrows but didn’t want to push her. In the heat of the moment she’d given us a glimpse of what she really thought, what was really going on behind the scenes.
“Normally, Kate doesn’t talk about anything. She’s very quiet. But it was as if she’d reached boiling point from one sympathetic question too many…That happens sometimes when people are being nice to you and you’re upset.”
Might it be that Middleton, for so long compared to Diana, is now showing signs of being as one with the patron saint of royal affairs?
Kate lets slips a little information to confidants who tell the media. Kate exercises – the Mirror says, “She then spent 20 minutes warming up on a cross-trainer machine. Later, she had a one-on-one session with the company’s in-house trainer, focusing on thighs, bum and tum.”
She appears at all the old haunts. She will not be cowed. The Sun spots Middleton out with friends at Boujis nightclub in South Kensington.
She is with two female friends.
Prince Charles’ whereabouts are unrecorded…
Posted: 28th, April 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
