Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Kate Moss Takes A Hit Of Ice From Kasabian
“THAT really f*cking hurt, why did he do that?” asks Kate Moss.
As the Mirror reports, Kate has just been smacked in the head by a lump of ice tossed by a member of the band Kasabian.
It’s another terrific rock ‘n’ roll night out with Kate Moss. And what this being Kate, role mode, fashion leader, catwalk terrorist etc., very soon millions of girls will be begging their lovers to throw lumps of ice at their heads.
(Author’s note: Ice is not believed to be crystal methamphetamine, known as ice in its crystal form, but a piece of frozen water, normally presented in a glass of liquid and fashioned into cube or swan.)
Trends begin with little. And the Mirror mentions that this happening occurred less than a week after Kate threw a cheese sandwich at lover Pete Doherty.
Meanwhile, back outside the club, Pete is trying to gain entry. And he’s been sent to the back of the line.
An eyewitness hears the door staff complain that Pete has been rude to them. We learn that Kate is pleading with them to reconsider. But it is to no avail. Pete must join the back of the queue.
But he will not. Pete is meant to perform with Amy Winehouse but he will not queue up. The show is cancelled.
And the mood turns cold…
Killer Diets, Killer Stress, Sunburn & Fat
EVERY day of every week the Mail thinks up imaginative ways to remind you that life is cruel and you are going to experience pain and die.
And if it can’t think any up, it looks at the latest scientific research.
Here is a selection of things that will kill you and yours from last week’s paper of doom…
MONDAY
Bank Holiday. Sun burn. Global warming. Foreigners on your li-lo. And more…
TUESDAY
“DIETS DAMAGE YOUR HEALTH” – Say University of California researchers
“Stressed teachers driven to drinks, drugs and death” – Headline of the week
“How stress leads to a strain on the heart” – More cutting-edge research from University College London
“Eating fatty foods ‘will cancel out the benefits of fruit and veg” – Save time, eat more fat
THE NUMBERS:
30 – “the percentage of 16 to 24-year-olds who say they’ll get sunburnt on holiday this year”
1.7m – “the number of people on the UK predicted to have dementia by 2051”
“Food: the unsavoury truth. Soups, pizzas and coleslaw oozing sugar. Flapjacks and teacakes laden with salt. The hidden health dangers lurking in your favourite meals” – Best stick to kebabs
WEDNESDAY
“TV DIET SHOWS MADE US FATTER!” – Celebrity yo-yo dieters make it big, and bigger
THURSDAY
“One in four of us regrets getting married” – Surveys never lie
“Blair crowds ever more people into Britain, like a mad steward at a rock festival. No wonder we live in an angry and unhappy place…” – Max Hastings, angry and unhappy, writes from a field in Gloucestershire…
“Eating oily fish ‘can raise the risk of diabetes’” – Say researchers. Best to pass on the dog fish…
“One in six Britons has the fat gene” – Everyone else just eats and drinks too much
“So the bank doesn’t want customers like me? Fine. Here’s my riposte: two fingers raised slightly apart” – Tom Utley gets Churchillian with HSBC…
“Why Friday 13th really is unlucky for drivers” – Today you will crash your car
“As a new book proves women lose interest in their husband’s after the ‘change’…WHY ALL MEN SHOULD FEAR THE MENOPAUSE” – And why men of a certain age choose younger wives
Prince William Splits From Kate Middleton, Camilla Awaits
WHY has Prince William separated from his lover Kate Middelton?
The reasons are not yet clear. But rapprochement seems unlikely.
We advise the merchandise makers to cancel the commemorative wedding mugs, cups and teeth. Ye olde royale caterers should refreeze the crabsticks and the Queen Mother.
The Sun (“Wills and Kate Split”) hears an Army “pal” say that William has decided to dedicate himself to Army life.
As the paper notes, William is now a fully-fledged officer in the Blues and Royals. And he has thrown himself in Army life — “preferring to go out drinking with his colleagues than drive back to London to see Kate.”
Wills’ training is something we know about. Anorak has shone a light into the darker recesses of Bournemouth’s Elements night club.
We saw Wills with that leggy blonde Lisa Agar. “He invited her back to his barracks for a nightcap and she left at 4.15am when he said he had to go to bed,” says the Sun.
Although, through her tears, Kate may recall how Lisa told a different tale. Said Lisa: “He never asked me anything of the sort. I did go back with one of his Army pals called Rufus for a couple of drinks and then I went home, but that had nothing to do with William.”
We looked on as Wills extended the clammy hand of friendship to the bosom of Brazil. Ana Ferreira’s bosom. “He has big manly hands and certainly knows what to do with them,” trilled Ana. Demure Ana went on to parade her touched-by-greatness breasts in a lads’ mag.
And now we read that Wills has split from his one true love.
One “close friend of the couple” says: “As far as Kate is concerned, William simply hasn’t been paying her enough attention.
“She is stuck in London while he is living in an officer’s mess in Dorset. Kate feels hugely frustrated that their relationship just seems to be going backwards at a rate of knots.”
Poor Kate…
“At university they were living together. Now, nearly three years on, they are lucky if they see each other once a week. When he does get a night off, it appears to Kate that William would rather spend time drinking with his new-found Army pals.”
It is sad news, and cruelly disappointing for the media workers who have toiled to highlight Kate’s Princess Diana-like qualities.
Now the hunt is surely on for William’s next true love, the one who will capture his heart.
We are no matchmakers at the Anorak Bureau but have heard of a certain Camilla Al-Fayed.
Yes. Camilla. Yes. Fayed. Would this not be the perfect union?
Fate…
Posted: 14th, April 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (29)
Fat And Faulty – New Obese Gene And TV’s Fat Tribe
“THERE IS AN OBESITY GENE.” So says the Mail’s lead headline. Or as the Times’ front page puts it: “’Fat’ gene found by scientists.”
So much for tales of fat kids getting fat by gorging on fizzy drink, chocolate and murder burgers. It’s not your fault you’re the size of a small family hatchback. It’s all down to bad genes, or fat genes if judgements are to be made.
A team of geneticists from Oxford University and the Peninsular Medial School, Exeter, have found the gene in as many as one in six Britons.
Fat people can be saved. And they can be prevented from ever being. As the Mail says: “One day, couple’s could even choose to have babies free of ‘fat’ genes.”
Who would have dared believe fat children could be so easily eradicated? Anorak has long advocated a cull, a race in which the fat are encouraged to run for their lives. For some time the papers have been scouring the land for fat children. Lanes on running tracks were being widened. Chocolate eggs placed on spoons.
And it would be entertaining. In “Fat’s entertainment”, the Sun looks at the new BBC reality TV show in which porkers are invited to hunt for food. In Fat Teens Can’t hunt (working title: Fat Hunts), teens will be sent to live with aboriginal tribesmen for ten months.
If they want to eat, they must feast on grasses, fruits and plants. They will need to kill and cook any animals. Win and be thin! Stay fat and be despatched to live with another tribe, namely the headhunters in Borneo.
Oh Brave New World…
Posted: 13th, April 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (6)
Kate Moss Dresses And Pete Doherty Needs A Dressing
“WE apologise for carrying this disgusting picture of Cocaine Kate’s drug-raddled fiancé, but it’s the reality behind Ms Moss, the £3m darling of Topshop billionaire Sir Philip Green.”
The Mail does indeed feature a picture of Pete Doherty, the future Mr Kate Moss, puffing on a cigarette and showing us his livid scab.
The Mails sees the “weeping sores, cracked lips” and “bleeding nostrils”. Pete is performing at London’s hackney Empire. And he’s joined in stage by his “soiled supermodel” lover Kate Moss.
But the scene is not uniformly dowdy and caked in scabs and grime. Kate’s wedding finger is sparkling. She and Pete are engaged.
It’s an inspirational story, right? The supermodel peers beyond the glamour and the veneer of looks and sees deep within a man to find love?
Er, no. This is all too terrible. Kate is a trendsetter. Her deal with Topshop will see her clothes feature on the store’s racks. Girls will be able to ape her look. They will pursue a scab-faced lover. They too will take cocaine. They too will pose for the cover of Vogue magazine.
“ONCE I ADMIRED KATE, NOW I’M JUST SORRY FOR HER,” says the paper’s Victoria Coren. She says the Kate Moss collection is “bound to be a success”. She foresees “fights over the last vest on the rail”.
But Kate’s gamine looks are slipping away. Kate is “lost in a drug-fuelled haze”. Kate is “dismal, shabby, unwashed and in thrall of one of the most repugnant men even the world of rock ‘n’ roll has seen”.
Worst of all, Kate has been seen out in “boring clothes”. Kate’s natural look “suggests low self-esteem”.
But Kate can be saved. Says Victoria, women in their mid-30s “would cheer to see Kate Moss turn round to Pete Doherty and say: ‘I am not just the world’s number one supermodel. I am not just the UK’s hottest export. I am also a successful businesswoman. Now get out of my house.’”
And when you come back bring some fags…
Posted: 13th, April 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (8)
Geri Halliwell’s Book Lacks Substance
IN compliance with the tenth rule of celebrity motherhood, Geri Halliwell has written a children’s book.
As the Sun reports, the book are centred on the character Ugenia Lavender, a girl who sounds like a bathroom cleaning product.
And lemon-scented Ugenia does indeed clean things up, namely mysteries. Look out for Ugenia solving the puzzle of Geri’s true age.
Says Geri: “It’s the rebirth of girl power. Ugenia’s got attitude.”
Attitude is how Americans and Geri, whose child’s father is of that persuasion, spell precocious.
Says Geri: “The characters I’ve built around her are both flawed and inspirational – just like us.”
No, not us, me and you – that would be dull and boring. Geri’s “us” are Gordon Ramsay and Victoria Beckham.
The book features an uncle Gordon a celebrity chef who shouts at people. Look out for him teaching Ugenia how to say “F*ck off” like she means it. F*cking Girl power!
And there’s Princess Posh Vatoria – marvel at Geri’s imagination at work. She arrives in a limo and introduces Ugenia to pouting and Flat Stanley, her own literary hero.
Says Geri: “There is a positive message in there, but it tastes like chocolate – not cabbage.”
We wonder if Geri has stumbled upon a new way in publishing, the edible book?
Geri’s work is food for thought, even if the plot is a tad anorexic and lacks any substance…
Posted: 13th, April 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Hostages Of Fortune – Why Faye Turney Dunnit By Andy McNab
“WHY Faye told her story in The Sun,” says the headline.
Readers are not allowed to get into the spirit of the thing and guess why Faye Turney took the Murdoch schilling and told the world about so much tears, torture and dirty knickers. This is no game. This is war, sort of.
The article is ascribed to Andy McNab, “SAS hero and Sun Security Advisor”. (If any Sun hack is stuck behind enemy lines at the Mirror, Andy will retrieve those still alive and then write a book about his exploits. He also does locks, alarms and will walk you safely to your car.)
For now Andy is, as ever, appearing in silhouette. He is here to tell us why Faye Turney took a load of money to tell her story to the Press.
He begins: “They volunteered to serve Britain by patrolling some of the world’s most dangerous waters.”
What followed was a “harrowing ordeal beyond most people’s imagination”. So far, so paperback.
But when they retuned, instead of the “heroes’ welcome” McNab says they deserved, they were attacked. “Faye has even had to endure jibes about her appearance for God’s sake – a woman risking her neck in a war zone.”
Poor Topsy. For shame that her blonde hair, Woman At Ahmadinejad headscarf and dirty knickers should become an issue.
But why did she tell her story to the Sun? McNab says that the “at times hysterical Daily Mail” tried to secure her testimony. That paper offered Faye a “very substantial sum”.
But she went with the Sun. Do you know why? They offered more money? Perhaps. Andy does not mention amounts. He says Turney went to the Sun because it is “the Forces’ paper”.
So this is why Faye chose the Sun – to tell as many of her colleagues what happened, to reach her people by the clearest route? Why Able Seaman Arthur Batchelor chose the Mirror is a moot point.
But what of the media storm? Andy talks of those “media critics” who compare the whole thing to “reality TV”? Says McNab: “But it’s not Faye and the other hostages who have caused this, it’s the people slagging them off in the media who have crated it.”
So the brouhaha does not come from Mrs Turney’s story of tears, the fear of rape and, lest we forget, dirty knickers? The fuss is all rooted in the media and the Mail’s jealousy?
It’s good to be set straight on such matters.
And, in any case: “If she hadn’t have gone to the Sun the story would have dripped out anyway.”
Indeed. The danger then is that the Sun would have had to pool the dripping facts with the Mail, Express, Mirror, Star…
Posted: 13th, April 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)
Big Brother’s Gonna Get You – Bullies Copy Jade Goody
“RISE OF RACIST SCHOOL BULLIES,” says the Sun.
The figures are in and the Sun can report that “almost” 3,400 pupils were suspended for “racist bullying” last years – up from 2,630 in 2003-2004.
Figures for 2004-2005 are not revealed. And a suggestion as to why this is so comes in the form of Jade Goody’s head.
Goody’s head is not stuffed atop a pike but used to illustrate how “vile abuse” and racist name calling has risen sharply.
The Sun says “copycat kids” have taken to racist bullying following Jade’s treatment of Shilpa Shetty on Big Brother.
“Big Bro copycat attacks up by third,” says the headline. “RISE OF RACIST SCHOOL BULLIES.”
The link is clear to the Sun. And LibDem MP Sarah Teather agrees. Says she: “Following the Big Brother scandal, this gives a further shocking insight into the state of race relations in Britain today.”
It is all too true, particularly if you view the goings on in a TV house emblematic of the UK as a whole.
In which case we can only join Ms Teather and weep and rage against it all. And champion the arrival of CCTV cameras in the school playground…
Posted: 13th, April 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Amazing Grace – Madonna Adopts New Daughter In Malawi
MADONNA is planning to adopt again.
This is all very noble. And Anorak has long argued that we should overlook the grandstanding and concentrate on the fact that a child’s life has been improved by a travelling celebrity.
Right it is then that the Sun should trumpet “CHOOSE THAT GIRL” on its front page. If Madonna can fly to Malawi and pick up a daughter then so can we. The woman is an inspiration.
And reading on we learn that this child is called Grace. She is Madonna’s “first choice among a select group of orphans”.
Madonna “set her heart” on making Grace her own when she observed video footage of the child at play. With that shock of red curly hair, freckles and pining for a sunnier Tomorrow, Grace melted Madonna’s heart.
But we should offer a warning. Video can often skew the truth. Madonna might look like a 19-year-old in her videos, but in reality she is likely to be somewhat different. The camera loves Grace but the naked eye might not.
But you can only say so much and a friend of Madonna’s tells us that the signer has fallen “head over heels for her”.
“Madonna kept saying, ‘That girl has so much love in her. I want to help her achieve her potential.”
A tad impulsive, perhaps. Shopping often is.
But the more prosaic approach to child rearing is being offered by the Malawi authorities. The source says officials are insisting Madonna browse the full range of orphans on offer and that the final decision will be theirs.
As one other great American might have put it, you can have any colour as long as it’s black.
Oh, come, come, it is hard to overlook the obvious. Madonna is a white woman with a white husband who has already adopted the black and now, apparently, wants another black child. With her two white children, the family Madonna will be monochrome.
As the Scotsman tells us: “Monochrome was big last winter with the ubiquitous houndstooth, but it is back with a vengeance for spring.”
The concern is that adopting children of different hues is a fashion trend. And that Madge is no longer a trendsetter but a follower of fashion.
If fashion is playing any part in this adoption, we urge Madonna to rethink her options and opt for a more a wider pallet, as with the ecru-coloured Angelina Jolie.
This way the look will not age and Madonna will stay in vogue…
Posted: 13th, April 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Navy Knickers To Faye Turney’s Crictics Says Iraq Hostage John Nichol
LIKE President Ahmadinejad, the Mirror wants it both ways. It is both affronted and complicit in a spin.
Having paid money to Iranian hostage Arthur Batchelor for his story, it now tells readers of “BROWNE BACKLASH OVER IRAN 15”.
Indeed, so brazen is the Mirror that it pitches this headline beneath Batchelor’s latest chapter.
The news is that Defence Secretary Des Browne should “carry the can” for allowing some of the Iran captives to sell their stories to the press.
Former Defence Minister Peter Kilfoyle says the decision has made the British forces a “laughing stock”. Shadow defence secretary Liam Fox says: “Serving members of the armed forces have, in effect, been put up for auction in the most horribly undignified fashion.”
On this matter, the Mirror hears Batchelor say: “I don’t see what I did is any different from retired admirals writing books on their experiences, or being paid to appear on TV and give comments to newspapers.”
He doesn’t? Readers may pick up a whiff of class warfare. As David Aaronovitch wrote in the Times: “Squaddies – like bimbos – ‘sell their stories’, while generals, rock stars and ambassadors bestow upon us, for our edification and instruction, their memoirs.”
Difference is that Batchelor remains in the employ of the Navy and his part-time job as a professional hostage looks a bit tatty. And what influence has his employer brought to bear on what he can and cannot say? He who pays the piper calls the tune, and all that.
Heroes And Villains
Better, perhaps, to do as the Sun does and ignore the controversy entirely. There is no mention made of Des Brown in the entire paper. But there is a picture of Faye Turney standing alongside John Nichol.
Readers may remember Nichol as the RAF navigator shot down and paraded on TV during the first Gulf War.
Once more the Sun tells readers how blonde Faye Faye was “stripped to her knickers”. And again, these readers are deprived of a shot of said garment, or of Faye re-enacting the full horror of this key moment in the narrative.
Nichol has never spoken of his underwear. He was kept locked up for six weeks. The state of his underpants challenges the depthS of our imagination. And, unlike this recent episode, Britain was at war with Iraq. And Nicole was tortured.
We learn that Nichol was Turney’s “childhood hero”.
Says Nichol: “I wanted to say to her in person that she’s done her country proud – and to ignore her critics who do not have a clue what has happened to her.”
Only we do have clue. We have Turney’s testimony.
Posted: 11th, April 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (28)
The Navy’s Batchelor Boy Empties Ahmadinejad’s Pockets
“I ONLY got enough money for a few driving lessons,” says Able Seaman Arthur Batchelor, now free from his Iran ordeal.
While blonde Faye Turney’s tale of missing her daughter and her clean knickers earned her £80,000, Batchelor, a father of none and more opaque on the underwear issue, has not been so fortunate.
Pictured in the Mirror in his Man At Ahmadinejad suit, the pockets pulled out to show how empty they are (and that no bombs are secreted within), Batchelor tells all.
“People think I’m some kind of millionaire now,” says Batchelor, “dining out on lobster and champagne – but I’m not.”
Perhaps we have been blinded by that ill-fitting suit. Never mind the length, says Batchelor, get a load of the quality.
Batchelor is now at home, or at least in a 1.7 nautical mile radius of it.
“The money I’ve received will simply pay for a few driving lessons,” says he. “I’m not even sure it will cover the cost of the actual test, let alone a car.”
And then Batchelor says something illuminating. Listen to this: “I see the payment more as compensation for spending the time telling my story to reporters when I should have been out with my family and friends.”
The money is not a reward for a job done, some would say badly, but cash that will in some way salve the pain of speaking to Fleet Street’s finest.
Batchelor wants nothing from his time in captivity at the hands of the unhinged Ahmadinejad. But shut him a room with the Mirror’s reporter and he wants compensation.
What do you make of that?
Posted: 11th, April 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
iPods In Class For A Dog Of An Education
“AN IPOD BRIBE FOR BAD PUPILS,” announces the Mail’s front page.
Readers learn that in a climate of “soaring indiscipline”, teachers are to “reward” pupils with “prizes and privileges”.
The formula for conformity, compliance and obedience in the classroom is that pupils “must be praised five times as often as they are punished”. The Government’s “rewards/sanctions ratio” is 5:1.
Young Dogs New Tricks
This is teaching the Barbara Woodhouse way, treating children like dogs, admonishing soiling the carpet, inappropriate sniffing and vandalising chairs, praising sitting still, staying when told to stay and jumping through hoops. The message is Pavlovian.
And instead of dog biscuits, Bianca and Armani will receive treats ranging from non-uniform days, extended break times, cinema tickets, “state-of-the-art bicycles” and “personal music players”.
Yes, that’s right. The iPod makes a good headline. And Bianca behaved so very well to get one. But at the point of achievement, Miss whips out a supermarket own brand equivalent instead. It’s like being told the Queen is going to open the new sports hall and finding Prince Edward in her place. No amount of aversion therapy can quench the rage within.
Of course, this is overlooking the likelihood that unruly pupils may well own an iPod already, indeed they may well have taxed one belonging to a classroom colleague.
But it is hard to argue against the genius of rewarding pupils unwilling or unable to learn with increased time away from the classroom. Behave really well, kids, and be allowed to remain in the playground all day, come rain, sleet or tropical cyclone.
Wee Will Overcome
And something must be done. The Mail hears Bryan Beckingham, a maths teacher from Oldham, tell delegates at the National Union of Teachers’ annual conference in Harrogate: “When a pupil throws a bottle of urine over a member of staff it is unacceptable.”
It is always advisable to lay out the rules early on. So throwing urine is out. Got that?
And Sue McMahon, secretary of the NUT’s Calderdale branch, has some more to say. Says she: “My members this year have been bitten by a five-year-old, thumped by a six-year-old, kicked by a seven-year-old, spat on by an eight-year-old, punched by a nine-year-year-old, verbally abused by a ten year old, received malicious damage to her car by an eleven-year-old, gobbed on by a 12-year-old (see eight-year-old), told where to go so many times by a 13-year-old that they nearly went there, head-butted by a 14-year-old and received a facial injury so bad by a 15-year-old that it required surgery.”
It’s a progression of injuries. See the 38-year-old in the adult literacy class fashioning a dirty bomb and upsetting Miss Goody’s class.
System Failure
But this is surely preaching to the converted. This behaviour is unacceptable. But how new is it? Perhaps such things are now just better reported? Perhaps it is not the pupils who are to blame but a confused education system that allows pupils to drift and has seen children with special educational needs enrolled in ordinary schools.
Whatever the underlying trends, the Mail hears nodding heads complain. Roger Whelan of “right-leaning” think-tank Civitas, says, “We don’t want to give pupils the idea that good behaviour is the exception that has to be rewarded at every stage.” He says children are able to “get away with blue murder”.
Neither Bryan Beckingham nor Sue McMahon made any mention of murder in any shade. But a point is being made. And Chris Woodhead, former chief inspector of schools, asks: “As a taxpayer, I would like to know how much this absurd guidance cost – it is a complete irrelevance to the real world.”
Money could always be spent on better things than compiling Government guidance or, say, a junket to Harrogate.
But many the plan is as queer as a clockwork orange. And matter may rest on what message is preloaded into those iPods.
Posted: 11th, April 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Platt’s Yer Lot – Tina O’Brien Quits Coronation Street
“TINA goes out with bang,” says the Star, and readers are greeted to the site of banging soap babe Tina O’Brien.
As the 9th rule of soap law dictates, the starlet’s imminent departure from Coronation Street’s cobbles is marked by the wearing of a skimpy swimsuit.
“TA-TA TO TINA,” says the Star.
Says Tina: “When I joined I could never have dreamed I’d make it so far…But I feel the time has come to see what else is out her for me as an actress.”
Tina is at pains to show casting agents her versatility. As well as doing black swimming costumes with cutaway sides, Tina can do lacy bra and knickers with a bow at the sides.
So dressed, Tina is pictured holding a telephone receiver to her ear. Is she talking? Is she listening? Who is she talking to?
This is improvisation at its very limit.
Tina could be calling her agent and asking what the hell he’s doing, demanding that he return The Bill’s call before it’s too late.
Or else she could be advertising one of the myriad chatlines that serve as links to real women for any number of Star readers.
Such is the talent of the actress. Tina could be doing just about anything. And in any accent from Salford to Bury.
Interestingly, Tina’s character Sarah Louise Platt has been held hostage by an internet pervert, as the Star tells us. She’s bedded on-screen brothers Todd and Jason Grimshaw. She has had a baby at 13.
If Hollywood doesn’t beckon, Tina has a rich future as an actress in the Star’s Just Jane photo casebook. That’s if the Sun’s Dear Deidre doesn’t snap her up first.
Good luck , Tina…
Coronation Street’s Crackhead Craig Charles Is Saved
HARD luck on Faye Turney that her account of so much knickers, cigarettes and tears in Iran should coincide with Coronation Street actor Craig Charles’s story of drugs and sex.
The Mirror, as ever, watches the bigger picture while the Sun is distracted by tawdry stories of Big Brother does Iran.
Today, the “CORRIE CRACK ADDICT’S” wife Jackie tells all.
As husband Craig lay on a bed in a drugged stupor, Jackie “ripped off the blanket and flew at him”. Her fists pounded his chest. “Enough!” she yelled. “I’ve had enough! How can you do this to me? To the kids!”
We feel a need to remind readers that this is not Faye Turney talking. This is not “gutsy Faye” remembering the time she met President Ahmadinejad. The similarities are spooky but this is Jackie Craig telling all.
“I completely lost it and walloped him. He curled into ball and just kept crying ‘sorry, sorry, sorry’.”
President Ahmadinejad, sorry, cracked-up Craig Charles has hurt his wife. Jackie can take no more and “flees” the interview in tears.
Soon she returns. “Even though my marriage was collapsing, I never once took off my wedding ring…That’s not to say I didn’t think about leaving him, I did,” says Jackie. She left him three times.
But it didn’t work. And it wasn’t until Jackie saw those helpful Mirror pictures of Craig smoking crack in the backseat of a car that she realised the truth.
“I held my head in my hands and sobbed when I saw them,” says she. The pictures were a shock. And they were no less of a shock to Craig who was forced into “facing his demons”.
Craig speaks. “I hated myself. Hated what I was doing to my family.”
And the pictures? “I felt enraged at first. Then a heated mess of shame and guilt, then suicidal because I didn’t know if I could face the world as Crackhead Craig.”
Golly! Might it be that the Mirror’s expose of the soap actor’s recreational drug use could have led to his death?
Says Craig: “But those pictures made me answer for my appalling behaviour, face up to the fact I had a problem. So now I see that they saved me.”
Hurrah for the Daily Mirror, saviour of tired and emotional soap actors. But the paper should take care to know that not all troubled celebrities react in the same way and the Mirror may have to employ other tactics to save the fallen.
For now though, the paper basks in the glory of its latest success. Thanks to its caring heart Craig is no longer hooked on crack and addicted to premium rate sex chat lines, such as those highlighted in the Mirror’s classified sections.
A wife has her husband back. And Coronation Street has a clean and sober actor…
Posted: 10th, April 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (4)
She’s A Doll – Faye Turney Makes President Ahmadinejad Squirm
“HOW I MADE TYRANT AHMADINEJAD SQUIRM,” says the Sun as readers move into day two of the Faye Turney story.
One day the Sun will let Turney go, put an end to the questions and allow the serving fighter to go about the place free and unwatched by cameras.
But for now the Sun is telling us how “IRAN HOSTAGE FAYE” told Ahmadinejad off.
Amid between the tears and the smokes, “gutsy Faye turned the tables on Iranian tyrant Mahmoud Ahmadinejad”.
No, she did not get the shorter and less muscular Ahmadinejad in an arm lock, place her headscarf about her eyes and frogmarch him off to a cell. That for later.
Faye gave Ahmadinejad a bloody nose in this exchange:
Ahmadinejad: How is your daughter?
Faye: I don’t know, Mr President, I haven’t seen her for 13 days – remember?
“Islamic fanatic” Ahmadinejad ”stutters”.
Ahmadinejad: Oh yes. But haven’t you been allowed a phone to call her?
Faye: No, I most certainly have not.
Ahmadinejad is “red-faced”.
Ahmadinejad: Er, well, good luck in your life and your future.
Says Faye: He looked really embarrassed and didn’t know what to do.
Faye sure showed him. Who need a bayonet when you have Faye’s sharp sarcasm. And cowed by the teary blonde might of the British military, Ahmadinejad presented fighting Faye with, among other things, a doll.
Military experts checked the doll for explosives. None were found. And Faye has decided to keep the toy.
And who knows, in time she may see fit to sell the thing, this doll that tamed a tyrant. Once the book has been written and the made-for-TV film produced, the doll could fetch some cash. It may end up in a museum or on the wall at a Planet Hollywood eatery.
But any money would not be for Faye. As she says, some of the proceeds from Big Brother Does Iran will go to the HMS Cornwall benevolent fund. The rest will go into trust for Molly.
And Ahmadinejad will have learned a painful and expensive lesson – the things we in the West value above all else are liberty, annuity and celebrity.
Picture: Poldraw
Posted: 10th, April 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Faye Turney And The Mummy Of All Hostages
IRAN HOSTAGE EXCLUSIVE,” ANNOUNCES The Sun. “Tears as Faye holds little Molly again.”
To borrow from the language of Saddam Hussein, this is the Mother of all Hostage Stories. “MUMMY MUMMY,” says the headline. And we are moved as Molly clutches and kisses her mother.
But Molly was not the hostage. Molly is no Stuart Lockwood, the five-year-old British boy Saddam Hussein dandled on his knee and used a human shield in 1990. It is mummy who has been in captivity.
Now repatriated, Faye is continuing her tale of the 13 days she spent in Iran. This is, as the paper boasts, “the interview everyone is talking about”. And it is true.
The Mail’s Richard Littlejohn is talking about it being a “demeaning spectacle”. The Times comments page calls it a “military fiasco”, an “orgy of introspection” and that Turney’s words have “beggared belief”.
Turney has sold her story of tears and dirty knickers for, apparently, £80,000. Having volunteered to carry a gun and operate war machines for Queen and country she is now a simple mother callously treated by that evil despot Ahmadinejad. Turney’s the blonde mum who missed her child.
“I felt anxious and nervous about seeing my child again,” says Turney. She goes on: “My biggest concern was that she [Molly] would see me paraded on TV blindfolded and would be confused and scared.”
But dad and husband Adam did not allow daughter Molly to watch the telly and see pictures of her mum eating, smiling and meeting a country’s President. Molly did not look on as Faye “fell about laughing” when she saw her comrades in their Man At Ahmadinejad suits.
Although Molly may have seen mum interviewed on ITV’s Tonight with Trevor McDonald, a pitiful display of gut-churning telly that could traumatise a grown man let alone a small girl.
And, alas, Molly may have been assaulted by the sight of her mother smoking. Faye saw herself puffing on a cigarette on TV when she was in Iran. She was “horrified”.
What kind of example is this to set a child? And how did mum explain why she was now famous and clutching Molly to her bosom as the camera’s clicked?
And if she knows the truth, can Molly ever watch her mother go off to battle again? Will Faye go to war?
Or will Faye go into another battle – fighting wrongs and injustices as the stay-at-home reporter on Tonight With Trevor McDonald and daytime telly?
Faye Turney On Iran, Ahmadinejad, Knickers And Freedom
FRESH from an audience with President Ahmadinejad of Iran, Faye Turney looks out at Sun readers.
Pictured with an Ahmadinejad own brand headscarf in her hand, Turney strikes a defiant blow for Western fashion and British military might.
“I feared being raped by Iranians,” says one teaser. “Stripped to knickers in dingy cell.” And: “The truth behind our TV smiles.”
Sun readers have every right to be appalled. Granted, Turney was not raped and at no time molested in a sexual manner. And being stripped to her knickers would, perhaps, be more shocking if Turney had been stripped to her Y-fronts, but the point is made.
Turney takes that blue headscarf between thumb and forefinger. She dangles it towards the ground. He look is tight-lipped.
And she prepares to tell us about her “evil Iranian captors”. Faye is a “25-year-old “mum”. Sure, she is a mum trained to fight and armed with a loaded weapon, but that is not central to the narrative. In any case, Turney’s gun is British military issue and will very possibly melt in the heat as if made of chocolate.
A Dead And Alive Hole
Faye gathers herself. And she speaks.
“One morning, I heard the noise of wood sawing and nails being hammered near my cell. I couldn’t work out what it was. Then a woman came into my cell to measure me up from head to toe with a tape,” says Faye.
“She shouted the measurements to a man outside. I was convinced they were making my coffin.”
We don’t know if they were. And before the Sun can press Faye on this point, we hear more of those knickers.
Using military-style bullet pints, the Sun delivers a volley of outrage:
“Faye told The Sun how she was:
STRIPPED to her knickers — with the rest of her clothes and belongings taken away — and caged in a tiny freezing cell.
WARNED she might not see her three-year-old daughter Molly again and asked how she felt about “dying for her government
THREATENED with years in prison as a spy unless she did what her captors wanted.”
Faye was separated from her all-male colleagues. “I was thrown into a tiny little cell and ordered to strip off. They took everything from me apart from my knickers.”
The knickers. Always the knickers. A totem of happier times.
“Then some cotton pyjamas were thrown in for me to wear and four filthy blankets. The metal door slammed shut again,” says Faye.
Did she keep her knickers on? Were new knickers provided? And did the knickers clash with the black Islamic cape Faye was ordered to wear?
Question Time For Faye Turney
These are questions for the Sun’s Page 3 girls to grapple with. For now we go with Faye.
“A slimy-looking man whose tan leather shoes she will never forget” approaches Faye
Faye: Where are my friends? I want to see them.
Man in mini-cab driver shoes: What friends?
Faye: Mr Felix and Mr Chris (her officers Lieut Felix Carman and Captain Chris Air).
“He rubbed the top of my head and said with a smile”:
Ozcab 5: Oh no, they’ve gone home. Just you now.
Says Faye: “I was taken back to my cell again and that was my lowest moment. All I could think of was how completely alone I was. They could do anything now and nobody would know.”
Faye says she “lost it”. “She was even reduced to counting the 135 bricks in the walls, the 266 circles in the air vent and the 274½ squares in the ageing carpet,” says the Sun. (Yes, there was carpet in her cell. That all British prisoners should be so lucky.)
And then the questions came. Says Faye: “Every night, it was the same questions. Sometimes I’d have to go back two or three times. One session went on until 6am.” Faye knew what the time was. But Sun readers do not learn at what time her questioning session began. Readers can only imagine and fear the worst.
Spies Like US
What did she know? “I told them, ‘How do I know? I’m just the bloody boat driver’. I tried to play the dumb blonde.”
Faye said: “Two new guys in suits arrived. They didn’t shout like the others. One said he had come to make me an offer.
“If I confessed to being in Iranian waters and wrote letters to my family, the British people and the Iranian people, I’d be free within two weeks. If I didn’t, they’d put me on trial for espionage and I’d go to prison for ‘several years’. I had just an hour to think about it.
“If I did it, I feared everyone in Britain would hate me. But I knew it was my one chance of fulfilling a promise to Molly that I’d be home for her birthday on May 8.
“I decided to take that chance, and write in such a way that my unit and my family would know it wasn’t the real me.”
And the smiles for TV?
Says Faye: “We were only smiling in the TV pictures because we were relieved to see each other. We couldn’t help it. The Iranians knew this. That’s why they filmed us at that time. Then we were taken back to our cells — and were alone again.”
Freedom
And then freedom. Freedom to return to sons and daughters. Freedom to sell stories to the press. Freedom to be free.
Freedom to wear clean knickers when, where and how they want to!
Posted: 9th, April 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (14)
Glossing Over The Fight At Liz Hurley’s Wedding
HAVING taken in England, India and Elton John’s 60th birthday in New York, the wedding of Liz Hurley and Arun Nayar should be approaching the groom’s native Leeds any day now.
There will not be a dry eye left on planet Earth once the wedding of the year and, given time, the wedding of the decade finishes with a bang and right on schedule for Liz and Arun’s diamond jubilee (sponsored by Chopard).
The Mail spots one man’s wet eyes. He’s Vinod Nayar, father of the groom. As the Mail writes, “tears streamed from his red-rimmed eyes” as his boy married La Hurley.
But these were not only tears of joy. While Arun and Liz gazed up towards the skies illuminated with fireworks and the flashguns of Hello! magazine’s photographers, Vinod was “sat dejectedly in his hotel room armchair”. He “stared vacantly at a flickering television screen”. His face was “crumpled with pain”.
Behind the smiles and the laughter “the most talked-about wedding of the year was marred by unpleasant feuding from the outset and culminated in disgraceful scenes with ramifications that will last for years”.
The Mail talks of “perceived snubs, claims, counterclaims and boycott threats”. And there goes Vinod now, being ejected form his own son’s wedding.
For shame!
Says Vinod: “I believe it was expressly done on Elizabeth’s orders. Maybe they didn’t really want my side of the family there. They didn’t even have the good manners to invite my 87-year-old mother.”
And there is more. Anorak usually shies away from long quotes, but we give Vinod his dues. He has much to say. He tells us:
“I once thought Liz was a lovely, unspoiled woman, but now I see that she is a very hard person. It was important for her to get celebrity faces there. That’s what the Hello! deal was about. She was fulfilling her contractual obligation.
“I knew she was very ambitious, but I never realised just how desperate she is for fame and attention.
“My wife and I were publicly humiliated and treated like social outcasts for the sake of a £2 million magazine deal. We were pushed into the background like poor relations.”
Who among us would shun their own aged grandmother for a mere couple of million pounds and the chance to be feted and swooned over in glossy print? For shame!
Vinod goes on: “But the most offensive and hurtful thing was to be denied, in the presence of all those people, the opportunity to accept her formally into the family, as is the Indian custom. This is not the behaviour of a woman with integrity and honour.”
And: “My heart is heavy with pain. I don’t know how she can blithely state in interviews that she gets on well with Arun’s Indian family after what she did. They should both be ashamed of themselves.”
Perhaps there is room to make the peace. After all, Vinod may share more with Liz than he imagines. Is his private life not now matter of public record? Has he not gone to the newspapers with his story?
Vinod tells us how Joanna, his second wife, Arun’s step-mother, was not made to feel welcome at the wedding.
Joanne looks at her invitation and notes: “It included advice to bring bacterial wipes and not to talk to beggars. We found it quite offensive. We treated her more kindly when she attended our wedding three years ago.”
To put this in perspective, Vinod tells us: “An insult to my wife is an insult to me – remember that Prince Charles didn’t go to one wedding because the people wouldn’t invite Camilla.”
As we say, Liz and Vinod should get on famously…
Posted: 8th, April 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Urban Planning – Nicole Kidman Is Pregnant
 |
| I hear Shiloh is looking for an apostle |
NICOLE Kidman, formerly Tom Cruise’s tall wife, the woman now married to singer Keith Urban, is pregnant.
This is the New Of The World’s “Exclusive”. And we can exclusively reveal this exclusive here on the pages of Anorak. Kidman will appreciate the second opinion in such medical matters.
A friend of the star says Nicole is “over the moon”.
“They’ve managed it. They are both absolutely delighted. Little Urban Junior is on the way.”
Little Urban will not arrive for quite a while yet – the NOTW does not say how pregnant Kidman is.
But we are sure to follow each day’s pregnancy ups and downs in the newspapers and magazines.
During which period we will be able to speculate on the baby’s sex, hair colour (ginger?) and name. As readers learn: “Nicole has already ordered a selection of baby gear including a £165 nappy bag from upmarket tots’ boutique Petit Tresor.”
Exciting times for Nicole, Keith and the California’s nappy boutique collective.
Fame beckons New Town Urban…
Posted: 8th, April 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (6)
I Want You Back – Robbie Williams Rejoins Take That
ROBBIE Williams WILL perform with Take That. And, more to the point, Take That WILL perform with Robbie Williams.
Heady days in the world of nostalgic pop music as we read in the Sun that Robbie Williams will one day rejoin the band with which he made his name.
Says Take That’s Jason Orange: “Maybe it’s my romanticism, but I think if we do future albums it’s inevitable Rob will sing with us.”
I guess now it’s time for me to give up
I feel it’s time
Who says you can’t find romance in modern music? You can feel the love as the dreamy-eyed executives at the record company clutch their hands to their bosoms. Marketing manger embraces finance controller. The man from merchandise wipes away a tear.
Who would have dared believe love and romance would give Robbie’s career a lease of life and solve the problem of how to follow up Take That’s comeback album? Tis the stuff of dreams.
Got a picture of you beside me
Got your lipstick mark still on your coffee cup
And Robbie will do it.
“I don’t think Robert has a problem with that,” says Robbie’s mum Jan. “He’s thrilled at how Take That have come back. On the question of him doing something with them, that will happen.”
Got a fist of pure emotion
Got a head of shattered dreams
Gotta leave it, gotta leave it all behind now
Mum knows what’s best for her boy. And having been with Robert in Los Angeles, mum knows her boy is ready.
Says Jane: “Take That were excellent when they were all together and they are excellent now.”
Whatever I said, whatever I did I didn’t mean it
I just want you back for good
Whenever I’m wrong just tell me the song and I’ll sing it…
Repeat to fade. Then repeat again…
Posted: 7th, April 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (7)
Angleina Jolie Is A Bird Of Prey
“THE Brangelina of Wilson Bridge’s Bald Eagle Set,” announces the Washington Post, and we are curious.
Can it be that birds are so like humans? And surely if any bird was going to be a Bradjenlina – an Angelina Jolie-Brad Pitt hybrid – it would be the cuckoo or something showy and more migratory, like a trumpeter swan?
But if the Washington Post says Angelina Jolie is a Bald Eagle, then so be it. And reading on we learn that with Martha Eagle “scarcely cold in the grave” (Bald Eagles have graves?) boyfriend George Eagle is already playing house with Angelina.
Says the Post: “Worse: It’s the nestwrecker who tried to peck to death Martha, George’s longtime mate and the mother of his 16 eaglets.”
Harsh on Angelina, perhaps. And in the spirit of fairness and perspective, the bird of prey is also known as Camailla among workers at the Woodrow Wilson Bridge, Maryland.
In any case, Martha is no more. Martha flew into a tree or a power line and dislocated an elbow in her right wing. She was “euthanized”. Or murdered by lethal injection, as is the American way.
With Martha dead, Angelina moved in.
Michael S. Baker, environmental manager for the bridge project, tells the paper: “Since January, they’ve gotten closer and closer, first hanging out on the same branch, one in the nest, the other right beside it, then in the same nest.
“They were spending so much time together that we were somewhat hopeful they would do their thing and lay some eggs. But they’re just not there yet.”
Shame on that. But they could always adopt. Or else set up a nest in, say, Namibia. Other birds would have to adhere to the no-fly zone around the exotic nest, but we think they will be happy to oblige.
Spotter: Cheryl Freeman
Horror Stories And Shameful Deaths
EVERY day of every week the Mail thinks up imaginative ways to remind you that life is cruel and you are going to experience pain and die.
And if it can’t think any up, it looks at the latest scientific research.
Here is a selection of things that will kill you and yours from last week’s paper of doom…
MONDAY
“Nurses feel strain of obese patients” – British Chiropractic Association says fat patients can damage a nurse’s back
“Mother scared by spider drives to her death on eve of son’s wedding” – Women river sees spider in car. Dies. Tragic
“Mystery plague is wiping out our bees”
TUESDAY
”I WISH THEY’D LET MY MOTHER DIE. When clover was 16, her beloved mother had a terrible riding accident. Doctors saved her life – but she was left brain damaged. In this deeply moving article, Clover says: Preserving life at any cost is simple cruelty”
The numbers:
300,000 – “the number of people who have a heart attack each year”
250,000 – the number of people admitted to hospital each year with an adverse drug reaction”
17 – “the average number of muscles used to smile” – cheer up, not dead yet
“Why I’m so happy to have had my womb removed BY EMMA SAMMS”
“Mother on the brink. Exhausted. Lonely. Run off their feet. Women with two pre-school children really ARE prime candidates for a nervous breakdown” – Mum! What do these yellow Smarties do?
“Bizarre delusions. Awful dreams. Why IS intensive care a living nightmare for so many patients?” – Umm, because they are at death’s door?
WEDNESDAY
“CUT-PRICE MIDWIVES A ‘RISK’ TO BABIES” – Say “campaigners”
“One in five can expect a lonely shameful death” – Headline of the week form Professor Allan Kellehear
“Take care on Fridays. That’s the worst day for crashes as divers hurry home for the weekend”
“Nearly 40 and never having found Mr Right, Louise was still determined to have a baby. Two miscarriages, one termination and £30,000 of her savings later, she refuses to give up her heartbreaking quests” – Well, there’s always a shameful death to look forward to
THURSDAY
“Children pay the price of being rushed into nursery” – Research by Oxford University and Institute for Fiscal Studies says toddlers left in daycare for more than 30 hours a week are “significantly” more likely to tease other children
“Anarchy in class. Carl Storm served as a soldier in Belfast and the Falklands, but nothing prepared him for the violence he faced as a teacher in London’s schools” – Well, serves him right for not going armed
“Red meat linked to a higher risk of breast cancer” – So says research backed by World Cancer Research Fund
Prince William – Pull The Other One
”FOR a start William did not invite me back to Bovvy,” says Lisa Agar, 19, the girl who danced with in a Bournemouth club.
“It was one of his friends called Rufus, a lieutenant,” she tells Hello!. Or lewd-tenant, as the tabloids might put it. Tabloids that heard of Wills and Lisa and produced headlines like “WILLIAM CHATS UP A BLONDE” (Express) and “COME BACK TO MY PALACE” (Mirror).
Says Lisa to the local Bournemouth paper: “He never asked me anything of the sort. I did go back with one of his Army pals called Rufus for a couple of drinks and then I went home, but that had nothing to do with William.”
And even if William had asked her to come back to barracks at Bovington Army training camp she wouldn’t have known who he was. She “doesn’t really follow the royals”. And “he was telling everyone that his name was Danny and he was from London and often gets mistaken for William.”
But what with friends Hugh and Rufus about, it was not long before Wills was exposed.
“When people began to realise who he was he was totally upfront and posed quite happily for mobile phone shots with a number of girls, including me.”
Which might explain how a picture of Willis with Lisa came to feature in the national press.
And how the Sun came to write: “Six-footer Lisa, who has a boyfriend, said: ‘He was touchy-feely and quite p****d. He was not a shy boy and didn’t talk about Kate.’”
Yes, the boyfriend. Is this why Lisa is now so keen to downplay the night she danced with the man who will one day be the Prince of Wales?
Or – get this – did the papers get it wrong?
Posted: 5th, April 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Heather Mills Is A Leg-end
HEATHER Mills is “thrilling America”.
So says the Express on its cover page. And reading on we learn: “Heather thrills America.”
“She’s been called a gold-digger, compulsive liar and fantasist,” says the paper.
She has been labelled a “diva, divorcee shark and the most loathed amputee since the one-armed man in The Fugitive”. Has she? The Express say she has.
But Heather is so much more. What is she? A prostitute? No. “What no-one talks about much is Heather Mills the devoted mother,” says the paper.
But here comes the Express to put the record straight. Heather is pictured with her daughter Beatrice. Mother and daughter are both wearing yellow dresses.
Heather looks happy and carefree. There is no mention of £200million divorce settlements and German self-help sex books. There is sunshine and smiles.
And over in the Star, the Express’s sister paper, Heather Mills “is doing great”.
The paper’s Dominik Diamond is supportive of Heather. Says he: “Why am I being so nice about one of the most vilified women in Britain?”
Is it, as Dominik says, because he has hurt his leg playing football against “top band Little Man Tate” and now can empathise with Heather?
Or is it because the Express and Star are published by the same magazine that produces OK!, which is now available in the United States, where Heather is becoming a big star?
Over to you…
Princess Diana Press Gangs Beyonce & Justin Timberlake
OH, oh, we feel a daily Mirror feature coming on.
The paper’s weapons of mass destruction counter has long since ticked it last – each day the Mirror produced a number (always one higher than the day before) showing how long it had been since a UN wonk had found WMD in Iraq.
Of course there are now loads of WMD in Iraq (mostly American), and the counter became a joke.
The paper’s pisspoor 3am Girls then got on the trail of Lindsay Lohan, giving readers a daily shot of Lohan looking dressed, tipsy, dressed and, er, dressed again.
How do you follow that? No easy job. But the Mirror looks to the past for future ideas. And it comes up with the countdown to the Princess Diana death concert.
It’s “DAY 2” in the run down to the biggest celebration of a woman’s death since Marie Antoinette chewed her last loaf of cake.
And the Mirror’s news is that princes William and Harry, who are, apparently, running the show, want to get the best acts they can.
Perhaps they aware that a line-up featuring Duran Duran, Bryan Ferry, the English National Ballet and Andrew Lloyd Webber may reduce the audience into a becalmed state not too dissimilar to Diana’s.
Now Princess Management is looking to secure the services of Beyonce and Justin Timberlake. Neither star has agreed to perform but who would deny Diana. Chances are they will be press ganged into service.
Tomorrow: DAY 3…
