Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Smiley Miley & Hannah Montana Land On London
DESTINY Hope Cyrus, aka Miley, aka Hannah Montana, is upon us.
Says she: “I love London. I love all the cool buildings…Even the little things you guys don’t think about I think are totally awesome.”
In case you missed that, Destiny is American. And in case Mirror readers missed it, Destiny’s words first appeared on the BBC children’s show Newsround.
Destiny’s father is Billy Ray Cyrus, the man who bemoaned his Achy Breaky Heart, the man who sang “You can tell your ma I moved to Arkansas”. Dad calls his daughter Miley because she is so smiley. (Anyone else feel a follow up hit looming?)
And Destiny is in London to promote her Hannah character, which began life on TV and has moved into music and fashion. Hannah is aimed at six to 14-year-olds.
(The plot: Fourteen-year-old Destiny plays schoolgirl Miley Stewart, a normal girl by day but leads a double life as a chart-topping pop star by night. It’s the tale of two tweens. It’s Britney Spears in a chaste school uniform.)
Says Billy Ray: “You know the saying, ‘She’s got an old soul’? Well, she’s got an old soul and her old soul’s got a lot of soul.”
Billy Ray thinks his daughter’s music is terrific.
And very soon you will too.
As Peter Harte, of Top of The Pops magazine, tells us: “Very soon, you’ll not be able to escape her. DVDs, albums, singles, clothing. This is Hannah Montana’s year and she’s going to be everywhere.”
All tweens will want to be her. But not everyone can be.
Talent will out, but having a parent or sibling in the business can help – Hanna Montana stars Emily Jordon Osment, younger sister of The Sixth Sense star, Haley Joel Osment, and Mitchel Musso, whose “entire family” work in the entertainment industry as actors and musicians.
Expect to see tweens asking their parents why they can’t be famous? And why dad can’t be more like Billy Ray…
Posted: 3rd, April 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (328)
A Wronged Wife Rubs Out Chris Tarrant
AT the age of 51, Ingrid Tarrant seemed to have it all. As blonde wife to Chris Tarrant, one of the most successful men in British telly, Ingrid had seen the lot.
From breakfast telly to breakfast radio and early evening telly, Ingrid had been very close to the vanguard of British showbiz.
But there was something missing – a Tarrant had never had their own space in the national press. It was a gap in a starry media resume Ingrid was happy to plug.
So here’s Ingrid, spread over two pages of the Mirror. She’s wearing a leopard-print negligee. She’s dressed in a nightdress and she has her feet up on a sofa.
But Ingrid has not given up on life. She has not stopped dressing and taken to spending the day in her pyjamas. She does not deliver her words while sat before daytime telly. This is, er, not how journalists behave.
This is Ingrid saying, “See what you’re missing Chris.” And this is Chris smiling. He beams as he poses for the cameras by Ingrid’s side. He smiles broadly as she sits by Fiona McKechnie, his mistress.
And he smiles some more as he sits at an awards dinner with Debbie Arnold, billed as “ex-EastEnders Debbie Arnold.”
“When you get hit by something as heartbreaking as betrayal and divorce you have a choice whether you just crumble up completely or pick yourself up and keep on moving. That’s what I decided to do,” says Ingrid.
Ingrid is moving. And this week you can see her moving from the papers to the telly where she appears on the ITV2 show Deadline.
This is the reality TV show in which a rehab of celebrities try to put together a magazine. Ingrid stars alongside such reality TV veterans as Abi Titmuss and Janet Street-Porter.
“I don’t want people to think I’m building a career out of a crisis,” says Ingrid. “I would hate that.”
Ingrid should not be so self-limiting. Careers have been built on less. And with Jade Goody no longer reality TV’s star turn, Ingrid should feel empowered to reach for the heights.
“In my Filofax I only ever write the names, addresses and numbers in pencil,” says Ingrid. Well, celebs change their names, right? You don’t want yesterday’s star in your Filofax.
Anorak imagines Ingrid’s rule is a twist on that adage about going out in clean underwear in case you get run over by a bus. If the celebrity is so struck down, the medic will rifle the fallen star’s contact book in search of a name. The book must only include the shiniest star names. “Ingrid was on her way to meet [insert name here],” says the official report. “She was, as ever, wearing clean, leopard-print underwear.”
Showbiz pals are important. Ingrid says she has enjoyed the support of Sharon Osbourne. Ingrid has met the actor Don Johnson on her new show.
Says Ingrid: “If someone hurts me, I get my rubber and completely erase all sign of them.”
Chris is erased. Don is in pencil. So too Sharon. Ingrid is moving on.
All aboard!
War Changes You
WAR changes you.
And no-one is more changed than Ian Hamilton, who, as the Sun says, has been transformed from a “muscular, battle-hardened veteran” into a muscular, battle-hardened veteran called Jan.
Ian saw action as a Para in Afghanistan. And now he is to see more of the world in Thailand, where he will undergo facial surgery to have his jawline and nose reshaped.
These are the first stages in a £20,000 refit. As the paper notes, Ian is already taking hormones to develop his feminine side. He is, as readers learn, already up to a B-cup.
The process will stop the inner conflict between the outer Ian and his inner Jan. Ian is a “male lesbian”. Says he: “Although my body is male, my mind is female.”
Ian outlines his dreams and how he hopes he can be accepted by friends and family.
Says Ian: “I expect a lot of hate mail but is important to be that I am not mocked.” As if. The Sun would never stoop so low. And in “I want a Para boobs” Ian goes on: “I have served my country for long enough and I don’t deserve that.”
But if Ian does feel a need to prove himself, he could always reenlist?
Imagine the look on the Iranian captors’ faces when Captain Jan whips off her wig, unzips her combat fatigues and delivers a shocking message.
Who would dare mock out hero then?
Posted: 2nd, April 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (5)
A Week In The Death Of Bob Woolmer
“BOB Woolmer: “New twists.”
On Monday cricket’s most enduring whodunit since Shane Warne appeared in public with a fuller, shaggier and more highlighted head of hair was occupying the papers’ minds.
West Indies captain Brian Lara and one of his predecessors, Clive Lloyd, were DNA-tested as part of the Woolmer murder inquiry.
FOUL PLAY
And they were not alone. Also staying in the Pegasus Hotel, Jamaica, scene of Woolmer’s demise, were the Pakistani squad. All have given DNA samples.
So much for looking for traces of steroids and other performance enhancing drugs. But what headlines if one of the samples reveals evidence of altogether darker form of foul play.
And while we looked at that, police in Jamaica were looking at CCTV footage from the Pegasus Hotel crime scene.
“Unfortunately,” said Jamaica’s deputy police commissioner Mark Shields, it does not show the doors but shows the corridors at either end. It may give us an image or images of the killer.”
“Could CCTV footage lead police to Woolmer’s killer?” asked the Mail.
Or will we just see Pakistan bowler Umar Gul charging down the corridor to deliver a ball to a waiting college? He bowls. The ball is struck hard. Woolmer appears. The picure fades. A stifled scream. A shadow falls…
In Tuesday’s “RHYMEWATCH” the Sun introduced the work of an anonymous author who has been posting poems in the streets near where Paul Kelly was killed.
Posters on lampposts. Posters on bus stops. The clues in the verse. But this was no cryptic puzzler, more Carl Sanburg than The Dream of the Rood. The weapon was identified. A name offered up.
Will those who know the identity of Woolmer’s killer or killers offer them up in verse?
And new names were being introduced. “WANTED BY WOOLMER COPS,” announced the Mirror’s front page on Wednesday.
THE THIRD MEN
Readers who had expected the Cricket World Cup to be about palm trees, sunburnt necks and women in conch-shell bikini tops instead saw grainy images of three men.
The trio were, in no special order, Jundi Khan, Hamed Malik and Erfan Chaudhary. They were the “three hanger-on fans”.
“They hung around team for days..now they’re vanished,” said a headline further inside the paper.
Is liking cricket now a suspect hobby? These men are most probably entirely innocent, but they watch cricket and to the football mad tabloid press that marks them out for special attention.
“Fans vanish after murder,” said the Sun. They “vanished” the day Bob Woolmer died.
But the police were looking in the wrong place, said a new voice on Thursday.
And, as the headline went – “WOOLMER ‘NOT MURDER’ RIDDLE” – there was a suggestion that the now former Pakistan team coach was not assassinated.
We heard from Tim Noakes, who was co-writing a book with Woolmer. He called the idea that Woolmer was about to expose corruption in the game “ludicrous”. And he offered an alternative line of enquiry: “This smacks of a crime of passion – a moment of unexpected madness by someone.”
This is what gave the Sun its headline. Was Woolmer’s death a team building exercise that went too far? And why did the Sun overlook the chance for a more salacious headline?
OSAMA’S BARMY ARMY
Questions and puzzles. And Riddles. And on Thursday a dark new twist. “AL-QAEDA LINK TO WOOLMER MURDER,” said the Sun.
Bob Woolmer was killed by al-Qaeda? This was no small matter.
Afghanistan’s links to Pakistan are the stuff of war despatches, but did we ever believe Osama bin Laden and his horde were cricket fans, Osama’s Barmy Army? We know Bin Laden follows the Arsenal. But this was something new. Does the War on Terror break for tea? Will it be ended by a declaration?
Upset by Pakistan’s defeat to the Irish infidels, were orders given for al-Qaeda operatives to exact bloody and merciless revenge?
The hunt for Bin Laden goes on. And in light of the Sun’s news we suggest the Army’s listening devices in Afghanistan be recalibrated to pick up chants of “You don’t know what you’re doing”, “You’re not fit to wear the shirt” and “You’re sh*t and you know you are”?
Friday came and still no declaration in the Bob Woolmer murder case. But a new player was introduced.
The Mirror looked at Hamid Malik, otherwise known to Mirror readers as Hamad Malik and to readers of the Sun as Hamed Malik.
In the interests of justice, Anorak made mention of all names, believing they could be one and the same person or else three people acting in consort. We awaited the arrival on the scene of Hamyd Malik with an eagle eye.
Do you recognise Malik, who may be holidaying under one of his aliases?
The case was gathering momentum. But no arrests. Help was needed. And help was coming.
SCOTLAND YARDIES
On Saturday we saw a Scotland Yard murder squad assemble for a busman’s holiday in Jamaica. British officers would investigate all “major lines of inquiry” and conduct “a forensic review”, said Mark Shields, Jamaica’s deputy police commissioner.
“They will be looking to see if there is anything else we can do,” said Shields in the Telegraph.
“You know when you’re involved in any piece of work and you are right up against it, sometimes you can miss the most blindingly obvious.”
And become distracted by the cricket…
Posted: 31st, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)
Fags For The Memories – Britney Spears Smokes Kevin Federline
STOP all the clocks, slide your baseball cap to the back of your head, shave off your hair and like a rampant Basil Fawlty beat a car to within an inch of its life – Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are no more.
Says Michael Sands, a spokesman for Kevin’s lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan: “The parties signed a global settlement on all issues of their marriage and the custody of the children.”
The minute details have yet to be made public. But who thinks small in America? Thinking big is what it’s all about. This is a global settlement. This is a lawyer who employs people to speak on his behalf. This is Kevin, the former break dancer and rapping rodent who pays his fees. This is the world of Britney Spears.
And it was a deal long in the making. For five hours the matter was debated. Sat around the table were Britney and Kevin, along with Britney’s lawyer Laura Wasser and Kev’s advisors Kaplan and Jim Simon There was a 15-minute break during which Britney and K-Ferret smoked a cigarette.
This is the big picture. But what are the details? What does K-Ferret get? Does he get to keep his white vest, his hats and his whispy beard?
The Sun reports that K-Ferret is to receive US$1million. Kevin and Britney will share custody of their sons Sean Preston and Jayden James, who will live with Britney.
Of course, nothing is forever. And, as the Times reports, a judge will have to approve the settlement for the divorce to become final.
Things could change. Kevin could change. Although his trademark vest looks pretty much a part of him now…
Posted: 30th, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (5)
David Beckham Returns As Steve McClaren
DAVID Beckham has a new hair cut and there are calls for him to be included in Steve McClaren’s England team.
“Short beck and sides,” says the Mirror’s front page. Beckham’s new hair is what the Mirror calls the “Steptoe” look.
To the untrained eye it seems as if Beckham is preparing for life in Los Angeles. His hair is watched with an avidity usually reserved for trains, terror suspects and mating panda bears, and there have been noises made about thinning locks.
Might it be that Beckham’s new look, which resembles the kind of creature usually found atop the head of Sean Connery and other Hollywood notables, is a canny stepping stone in his career?
Adopt a style that leaves people wondering if the hair is real or not and when the centre parting widens like the English defence stick on a similar looking toupee. Notice the difference? See the join? No and no.
But we suggest Beckham goes further. With the over-promoted McClaren besieged, Beckham should return to the cause and serve his manager. That special relationship Beckham enjoyed with Sven Goran Eriksson can be extended to the Swede’s replacement.
Those England fans who travel to watch lads take on Andorra, whose spit-laden, booze-fuelled demands for McClaren’s head on a stick are supposed to speak for the nation, may take to their new man.
The vociferous hate-filled fans want Beckham back – and, note, this is the same Beckham who has an injured leg.
So why not Beckham him back. And cut his hair accordingly…
Posted: 30th, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)
Scooch Open A Pandora’s Box of Eurovision Evil
LET’S give it up for SCOOCH, the UK’s entry in the Eurovision song contest.
For those of unfamiliar with the band’s offering, voices suggest listening to a song written by Elin Magnusson.
Singing under the name Pandora, Magnusson failed in 2003 and 2004 to represent Sweden in the continent’s premier pop contest.
Says she: “Scooch’s entry is more than similar to my No Regrets that I released on an album back in 1999.”
This is your captain speaking; I’d like to welcome you aboard this Eurovision flight
The duration will be 3 minutes exactly – now sit back, relax and enjoy the flight
“I want the Scooch entry to be disqualified,” says she in the Sun.
Readers learn that the singer is “very big in Finland”, or Finland nil points as the country is known to Eurovision fans.
Of course, the UK should not be so smug. We were UK nil points back in the days of Jemini and now our representatives stand accused of plagarism. How did the land of Sonia, Samantha Janus and Cliff Richard (twice) come to this?
Per Herry, who advises the Swedish Musician’s Union on matters legal, tells us: “Eurovision rules clearly state they cannot use a song that has been released before and the melody of the chorus is the same as Pandora’s.”
We of no great musical bent may well believe 99 per cent of Eurovision songs sound identical. But to the expert ear there are subtle differences. How many of these nuances can be attributed for foreign accents singing in English is a moot point.
So are Scooch cheats? Will they be Flying The Flag in Helsinki, Finland, under a false pretext. Will the locals recognise the song?
London to Berlin
All the way from Paris to Tallinn
Helsinki on to Prague
Don’t matter where we are – yeah yeah ye-ah
A BBC spokesman says the Scooch song is an original work. They band has never heard of Pandora’s work.
But the Sun looks at Scooch member Morten Scjolin and notes that his name “sounds Scandinavian enough to have heard Pandora albums”.
Point made. But what the point is we are unsure. Are British children called Raj expected to know the tunes and words to all Bollywood-inspired tunes? Does the Sun expect all of Britain’s West Indian community to know the words to Lord Shorty’s soca hits?
The Sun’s jury is out on Schjolin. But we remain oblivious to it all.
The charts are full of sub-standard and average singers singing direct copies of other people’s songs.
The shock here is that Scooch should be bothered by the allegations…
If you want to hear Pandora click here
If you want to hear Scooch, go here
And for a shock result, see here
JT Go Dome – John Travolta’s On Another Planet
JOHN Travolta wants his fans to “do their bit” to tackle global warming.
Sensible stuff. Human influence on global weather patterns has been established as fact by some sections of the press and at least one former American vice president, who flew around the world promoting a film about the matter.
Says Travolta: “It [global warming] is a very valid issue.” Agreed. “I’m wondering if we need to think about other planets and dome cities.”
Travolta fails to name what other planets humanity could live on, nor if he has tested them out for the rest to if us. But talk of Dome cities will surely excite many who see the Millennium Dome as a giant white elephant and not the last refuge for mankind.
But Travolta is looking to the skies, chiefly thought the windscreen of any one of his five aircraft.
“I use them as a business tool though, as others do,” says Travolta, promoting his new film in the UK. “I think it’s part of this industry – otherwise I couldn’t be here doing this and I wouldn’t be her now.”
While the Mail – printed on murdered and pulped trees – senses hypocrisy in “Air Miles Travolta”, we learn that the actor may soon he grounded.
As the National Enquirer tells us, Travolta’s Boeing 707 is too big for the Greystone Airport runway near his home at the Jumbolair compound, Florida.
A letter from the Federal Aviation Administration tells Travolta the strip needs “major repairs”. Travolta’s plane is too heavy. Says Frank V. Lipinski, the FAA’s principle maintenance inspector: “It is not safe just because the pilot in command says it’s safe.”
Travolta should take heed. Next time he’s up in the skies he might like to keep on going – punching a hole in the ozone and carrying on to infinity and beyond…
Pic: Travolta’s house (really)
Posted: 30th, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)
Peeping Tom, Dick & Flash Harry
MAKE the punishment fit the crime. An eye for an eye. A dayglow yellow jacket for a peeping Tom.
As the Sun reports (“GLOW IN THE PARK!”), 24-year-old Stephen Copper has pleaded guilty to a charge of voyeurism.
We catch up with Cooper as he appears before the Beak at Southend Crown Court. The ominously named Judge Peter Dedman hears of Cooper being in someone’s garden and peering through a crack in their curtains. As Dedman says, Cooper aim is “to reach sexual gratification”.
Cooper has form. He has been nabbed for similar offences in Grays and Weymouth.
Enough has been heard. Cooper’s sentence will now be delivered. Dedman tells him that he must wear a yellow florescent yellow jacket when out at night.
This will enable him to be visible to potential victims. It will also enable him to cross the road in safely and loiter around holes in the ground without arousing suspicion.
But will this curtail Cooper’s deviant behaviour? Three times he has been caught, a tally that suggests he feels a compulsion to peep.
And will the punishment offer a salve to victims? Will they be less shocked to see a man leering at them if he is stood in their garden dressed in a brilliant yellow jacket?
Will other voyeurs pull on yellow jackets of their own, seeing the chance to evade justice, frame Cooper and get him off their peeping patch?
It might be advisable if Cooper were made to wear this jacket in the day and night. With the summer moving in better he’s encouraged to build up a sweat on head and hands and so alert the public to his febrile state…
Posted: 29th, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Making News At The New Wembley
HOW long before a journalist from one paper infiltrates the office’s of a rival organ and walks about unchallenged for four hours?
See roving reporter Phil Space move about the place with cat-like, yet brazen, stealth and bravado.
He could steal anything. And yes, as ever, he could plant a bomb.
That for later. Today, the Star’s man in a hard hat is at the new Wembley. He is exposing the “shocking security” at the new national football stadium.
And he is not alone. The Star’s man is part of a team. Says the paper: “They had endless opportunities to hide explosives as they wandered around all areas of the stadium for FOUR HOURS.”
Much shock. Much scandal. They are in the toilets, restaurants and “other rooms”.
Says reporter Ross Kanuik: “I could have left several bombs there with timer devices.”
That he could, providing the bombs had been small and stable enough to carry in the pockets of his jeans.
And they might have gone off had they been made of a substance that does not deteriorate over time and if no security checks were made before the crowds were let into the stadium.
He goes on: “We had so much time we could have removed panels around the ground and placed anything inside.” Given the cost of tickets, we suggest Mr Kanuik place himself inside the cavity and wait for the main event.
It is so much shocking and unbelievable stuff. And we urge Mr Kanuik to not rest until he has located other venues where he can wander about unmolested and maybe plant a bomb.
Perhaps at his private residence, a central London department store or the Star’s offices…
P Diddy Man Drinks To Controversy
P DIDDY is a businessman who knows he has to speculate to accumulate.
The Mirror looks on as Ken Dodd’s foremost Diddy Man dances in London’s Paper club. For this night out, Diddy is wearing sunglasses and a light grey blouson jacket of a fashion rarely seen outside the bowls club and the driver’s seat of a Rover 75.
The obstructing presence of the singer Fergie does not allow us to see if the jacket’s hem is elasticated nor if the collar is fleshed out with a nylon hood.
But not content with making ‘em swoon with his ensemble, the Mirror watches Diddy and his entourage pass rolled-up cigarettes between them. There is a “heady aroma”. Is this Diddy’s signature aftershave? Or is it something else?
Many would suppose Diddy’s outfit ideally suited to a small, thin cigar. But the Mirror nudges and winks about Diddy’s “spliffing habit”.
But this is not enough. And Diddy decides it is time to buy everyone in the club a drink. Champagne is on him. And it costs £22,000. His total spend for the night is billed at £80,000.
This is Diddy’s investment in his role as professional party thrower and party goer.
“There is no VIP area tonight,” says he. “Tonight you are all VIPs.” Hurrah! “It’s a celebration bitches. We’d better get enough champagne to get all these motherf***ers drunk. Everybody drinks tonight. If you haven’t come to party, get the f***k out!”
That Diddy views drinking and having a good time as indivisible will surely upset the Government. Already they have banned Diddy’s on-stage partner Snoop Dogg from entering the country. Will Diddy now be cited as setting a bad example for glamorising binge drinking?
And will the race relations watchdog censure him for making his Muslim guests drink liquor or be thrown out? And what of Catholics abstaining from booze during Lent?
But this is Diddy at his most controversial. The party goes on and the brand is built…
No Armour Done – Child Stab Vests & Barcode Babies
TOUGH on crime, tough on the causes of crime. And because people cause most crimes – let’s not forget the magpies – it’s time to get tough on people.
So here’s the Mail’s headline: “All pupils should be checked for criminal tendencies, says Blair.”
According to the Mail, the Prime minister says the “key to reducing crime was identifying future offenders at the earliest possible age, using ‘universal’ checks.”
There is talk of “bar-coding babies at birth”. That from Shami Chakrabarti, director of Liberty. This is tough stuff in a Brave New World.
And it is needed. As the Express says: “Now stab vests are part of the school uniform.”
A company called VestGuard UK claims to have received over 100 calls from “anxious families” over the past few weeks. They are interested in kitting little Armani and Burberry out in body armour.
Not yet available in school colours, the vest – retailing at £300 to £425 – is selling well.
“This,” says the Express, “is a major embarrassment for the Government.” But we imagine the face of offialdom looks pale alongside the deep shade of red experienced by Armani as she sits bolt upright in class, rigid and unable to bend or turn.
But mum and dad are worried for their child. As one mum who bought a vest tells the paper: “It’s very expensive and we do not have a lot of money but I have no choice… She doesn’t like wearing the vest and says it is heavy, but I force her to wear it. I said, ‘Life comes first.”
You can just imagine the 13-year-old girl telling her schoolmates that as they bypass the vest and punch her in the arm, causing untold psychological damage.
Or else the girl might wait until mum’s gone and sight and take the thing off? As the other girls pull up their skirts and roll up the hems, turn their scarves into belts and stick earrings into ears and elsewhere, this little love pulls off her reinforced underwear.
A spokesperson for VestGuard tells the paper: “People are concerned by what is happening on the streets.”
The Express says it will not be surprised if the vests become “a standard part of the uniform in inner-city secondary schools”.
Indeed. We look through the VestGuard catalogue and note the VG100 school cap, throat mics and walky-talkies on offer. We see a vision of the school of the future.
And it might already be upon us. Here comes mum now in her urban tank.
But only the guilty need be afraid…
Posted: 28th, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Scent Packing – Snoop Banned & P Diddy Beats Beckham
“HE’S a better footballer than me but my fragrance smells better,” says P Diddy of D Beckham.
Scents, as they were once called, are an extension of the celebrity’s personality. P. Diddy, often pictured sucking on a cigar and drinking champagne, may be expected to front the smell of stale tobacco smoke and essence of late-night club.
But our research tells us that Diddy’s Unforgivable “fuses cashmere accord with rum and amber, achieving a peak that is both sexy and seductive”. It boasts “a soul that is slightly dangerous and explosive, yet cool”. Wear it, drink it, use it to fire up the BarBQ – it’s the ubiquitous smell of victory.
And it smells better than Beckham’s odour, with a blend of sweat, liniment and top notes of new money.
The Diddy man is in conversation with the Sun. And the smell is not of a winner but of dejection. Diddy is upset that his stage partner Snoop Dogg (middle notes of cannabis, police cell and corn rows), has been refused a visa.
Diddy and Snoop were scheduled to play a London show but with no Snoop, the plan never bore fruit. Snoop was involved in a “riot” at Heathrow airport last year and Home Secretary John Reid said he should not return.
Overlooking the chance to reunite the other Diddy men one last time, and help propel Ken Dodd back into the big time, Diddy instead went out for dinner with David Beckham and Posh.
Says Diddy: “For me the tour being called off here feels like someone has cancelled the Cup final at the last minute.”
Not that that could happen – not with the new Wembley stadium complete.
“The tour was meant to be about spreading the message of peace,” says Diddy, “and with all the gun crime in England right now I think it would have been appropriate to do the show.”
There is a smell of fear and cordite on the streets. But it can be cured with spritz of Diddy…
Posted: 28th, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (4)
Recycling Fat Children
WITH the papers’ daily hunt for fat children failing to throw up a new name to gawp at, the Mail instead looks at the thin.
“Anorexic at the age of 6,” says the headline. No name is given. There is no picture of a stick-thin girl sat in front of no food.
What we get is news that at any time as many as 90,000 Britons are being treated for eating disorders. We’re told of a survey by something called the British Paediatric Surveillance unit. It has found “many cases” of eating disorders in pre-adolescents.
Can these thin children work with the fat children to produce a happy medium, a Jack Sprat approach to food diet?
The Mail fears it may already be too late. “Teenagers today are first in history to be less healthy than their parents,” says the headline.
A Dr Russell Vine has contributed to a report. He talks of a four-fold rise in adolescent obesity in the past 20 years.
Fat then thin. Boom and bust. What to do?
The Mail knows. “Return of the cycle test,” it cheers. Enough of this sedentary lifestyle, kids, it’s time to get on your bikes.
So all hail the Bikeability test, backed by £10million of Government funding. But first more research. Under the auspices of Cycle England, Bikeability will reverse the trend that has seen a 50 per cent decline in cycling over the past 20 years.
Yes, 20 years. That’s the same period over which obesity has quadrupled. Might it be the cycling can make us all fit and well again?
Philip Darnton, chairman of Cycle England, says: “Our ambition is that, within five years, no child should leave primary school without the chance to receive Bikeability training.”
Hurrah!
Children will be taken to minor roads to practise stopping and turning. They will negotiate cones in the playground. They will go on the road and learn not to turn left at the same time as large vehicles.
They will learn that hitting the pavement or tarmac hurts. Unless you’re fat…
Posted: 27th, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)
Ana & The King – Prince William Has A Brazilian
PRINCE William is in a nightclub.
This much we know. William has already been pictured with “leggy blonde” Lisa Agar, 19. News was that William invited Lisa back to barracks for a nightcap.
Now William is pictured on the Sun’s front page in the company of two brunette women. Still in Elements club, Bournemouth, Wills stands in the centre of the threesome.
“Where there’s Wills there’s a WAHAY!” says the front-page headline. “HE GRABS GIRL’S BOOB..DON’T TELL KATE.”
But too late, we fear. We live in an age where the genteel classes are likely to rub up against a tabloid paper and chances are high news has reached William’s lover Kate Middleton.
But it is not all bad news for Kate. The so-called “grab” of 18-year-old Ana Ferreira’s right breast is no full-fisted assault. As the Sun notes, Williams is 6ft 3in and Ana is a petite 5ft 4in.
Anorak has taken the liberty to re-enact this manoeuvre and with orange box, warmed hand and Old Mr Anorak looking on, we play Ana And The King.
And there are words to go with the deeds. “I was a little bit drunk myself and felt something brush my breast,” says Ana. “I thought it couldn’t be the future king – but now I’ve seen the picture it is no wonder he has a smile on his face.”
We commend Ana’s grasp of the English language, which she seems to have picked up from reading old copies of the Sun. Says Ana: “He has big manly hands and certainly knows what to do with them.”
Something the Anorak typing pool are fast learning…
Posted: 27th, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)
Looking The Bomb – New RAF Range
“DOES MY BOMBER LOOK BIG IN THIS?” asks the Sun.
It is impossible to give a full and frank answer to this poser, what with readers only seeing the new RAF bikini from the front.
The outfit features the pink and blue version of the RAF roundel. It is part of 50 items featured in the new man and woman at RAF range. And it is the outfit the Mirror and Mail chose to showcase.
The aim, as the Mirror sys, is to raise the RAF’s profile and “inspire a sense of Britishness”.
The bikini is a new take on the summertime mainstay of Union Jack shorts. And we expect to see many male military personal, including those in the Navy and Army, sporting the new look on leave and during alcohol-fuelled team building exercises.
Nick Adams, marketing the range, tells the paper: “It’s a high quality range aimed at anyone who is proud to be British.”
Others may argue that bringing the RAF into the high street is part of the growing trend of gun culture. The target emblem makes, well, a pretty good target.
But there is a charitable element to this military chic. The Mail hears from RAF’s head of communications, Group Captain Turner. He says “all money raised will go to the RAF’s museum”, even if the Mirror says only a “percentage of profits” will go that way.
But this is no time to quibble over details. This is a time to be proud. And we suggest that the bikini is adopted as the new RAF uniform.
Make love, not war, as the motto goes. And while the enemy are lost in dreamy thoughts of lust and romance, launch a full frontal attack…
A Poem To Solve A Murder
WHO is the mystery poet who can solve the murder of Paul Kelly?
Kelly, 32, was found stabbed to death outside the Longacre pub, bath, on New Year’s Day. The killer walks free.
In “RHYMEWATCH”, the Sun profiles the anonymous author who has posted rhymes in the streets near where Kelly was killed.
Posters are on lampposts. Posters on bus stops. The clues are in the verse.
But this is no cryptic puzzler, more Carl Sanburg than The Dream of the Rood. The weapon is identified. A name is offered up.
As the BBC reports, already a knife, found by police in the River Avon following a clue in the poem, is being examined by forensic officers.
A reward of £10,000 reward has been offered for information leading to an arrest. Do you know the killer?
The poem:
Now I will show how a few words can be made
As sharp and deadly as any boy’s blade
How running away will not you save
The truth is there like an open grave
You can wipe your bloody hands in the grass, till they bleed…
A defenceless man is dead and his blood’s gone cold
But the story of his end is going to be told
You can run and run till your shoes wear thin
And hope that you’re safe, ‘cos of the colour of your skin
Paul Kelly lies dead, and who held the knife?
It was you, [name removed], we all saw take his life.
The New Year was but a short hour old
When you and your mates were: Oh, so bold.
You put us to shame,
But we did the same.
It was black on white, so it must be right
It was you who said: ‘He had it coming that night.’
Then you ran away and we turned our backs.
You said we would be next if we breathed a word
We took in you threats that now sound absurd
So we closed our eyes
And took in your lies
So where will you run when, at last, you face a brave man?
You gonna run once more through the streets, all a quiver?
Will wash yourself down in the deep, deep river?
Yow, young [name removed], where you threw the knife,
Listen to what I say and take good heed:
You can wipe your bloody hands in the grass, till they bleed…
But you will never, never get them clean.
Posted: 27th, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (5)
Hugh Grant & Jemima Khan’s Double Take
HUGH Grant has been spotted twice in the company if Ms Jemima Khan.
One spotting occupies the front page of the Evening Standard, the
“Back together: Hugh and Jemima,” trills the headline.
But – hold the front page – on Page 3, the paper has become less sure. “Is it all back on as Grant and Jemima meet twice in two days?” it asks its readers.
“Yes,” say the readers. “We read it on the front page of the Standard that Hugh and Jemima are back together. If memory serves the headline went something like: “Back together: Hugh and Jemima.”
Might it be that the Standard is too busy operating at the bleeding edge of journalism to take notice of what it writes?
Answer in the form of a question to the usual address…
Posted: 26th, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Bird Flu & Global Warming Panic
BIRDS are dying. No, it’s worse than that. British birds – our birds – are dying.
Not too long ago, back in the dim and distant past when flu-addled birds were coming to do for us all, we may have cheered this news.
Dead swans? Tis a cruel world. But Better them than us. And don’t get us started on the chaffinches…
But now the death of birds is seen as a terrible thing. “Swansong for our birds,” says the Express. “British songbirds have plummeted to their lowest levels in gardens for five years.”
The Express knows this because the RSPCA operates a Big Garden Birdwatch operation.
Bird fanciers are invited to record sightings of birds in their gardens. There is, as ever, room for human error and manipulation. Bird watchers, a shadowy breed, may claim to see fewer birds in order to create a panic in the greater community. Low numbers trigger a Government-sponsored bird breeding programme. More birds result.
Or it may be that mild winter temperatures in Europe and booming woodland harvests mean fewer birds have to fly to gardens and peck at hanging baskets of peanuts.
In “the vanishing robins”, the Mail bemoans the lack of “cheery song” in the British garden.
Robin numbers are down by more than a third in the past decade; there has been a seven percent drop in the past year. Blackbirds are reduced by quarter. Song thrushes are down by two-thirds.
Global warming is to blame, says the paper.
But might there be another reason? Might it be that those warning stories of killer birds have encouraged some humans to get them before they get us?
Is a Robin’s red breast less a thing of beauty than a moving target..?
Posted: 26th, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (9)
Natalie Pinkham Gives Prince Harry A Dressing Down
NATALIE Pinkham, says of her friend Prince Harry Baseball Cap: “We have always been and will remain just great mates.”
Pinkham is fresh from a night out with Harry at London’s Boujis nightclub
Pinkham is pictured on the Sun’s front page. She is wearing a cropped white vest and using one hand to tug at the hem. Higher it rides up until at the point of flashing what would be the paper’s first sighing of a tweed bra, Pinkham stops.
And she gets changed. Inside the paper, Pinkham, described as “stunning”, “sexy” and a “TV presenter”, is now wearing a pair of over–the-knee black socks, black knickers and a black off-the-shoulder T-shirt.
It’s the kind of picture a young soldier may care to stick to his tank, a reminder of home and what he is fighting for and a distraction to the enemy.
And Harry is training hard for his tour in Iraq. On Sunday, the People (“BOOZE-UP HARRY IN CLASH WITH A SNAPPER”) saw Harry emerge from his dance with Pinkham and “appeared” to “lunge” at a photographer. The Sunday Express went further and said Harry had “lunged” at the paparazzo.
Harry’s spokesman suggested his employer had stumbled on a kerb and merely extended an arm for balance.
The Mirror hears the young prince issue the rallying cry “f*ck off”. And the Star identifies the snapper as Nirach Tanner, who tells us: “He screamed at me to ‘f*ck off,’ then grabbed me.”
And now we hear from Natalie. Looking at the world over her naked shoulder, she has something to say about Harry.
“There is only one girl in Harry’s life and that is Chelsy,” says Pinkham, who at 28 is too old to be called a girl.
Readers will, of course, recognise Pinkham from the Sun’s front-page picture of 2006. “DIRTY HARRY,” screamed the headline as the young prince, leering like a demented goblin, was shown cupping the Pinkham bosom.
Now Natalie says she never danced alone with the Prince. Indeed, she says he has never been alone with him. And as or his being too pissed to walk or lunge properly, Natalie tells us: “As far as I could see Harry wasn’t even drunk. He just stumbled over as he left.”
Although, Natalie was not that close to him. And others were present…
Posted: 26th, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)
Cherie Blair’s Bad Air(port) Day
“I AM no more a terrorist than Cherie Blair is.”
So says the unnamed passenger waiting to board a flight at London City Airport.
No-one can be above suspicion in the ensuing war on terror. And certainly not the Prime Minster’s wife, who has voiced an opinion on the matter of suicide bombing.
In such a climate, the Sun looks on as Cherie Blair approaches the border guards.
The paper reports that she has in her possession three pieces of hand luggage.
This is in clear breach of Blair’s Terror Laws No.3208a that states no passengers shall have on their person any more than one item of luggage.
But Cherie will not be denied. As the Sun says, for a full eight minutes she puts her case to the hapless airport worker.
This is a war of attrition. There can be only one winner. And Cherie is allowed to pass with all bags intact and about her person.
The passenger behind is outraged. They ask the aforesaid question. And they put forward another puzzler: “Why should there be one rule for her and one for me?”
The simple answer is that it is because Cherie’s husband and his coterie make the laws. Tough luck that this passenger married badly. Dim foresight dictates they must place one of their two bags in the hold.
As another witness says: “She had a handbag, another bag and quite a large holdall. She was becoming agitated, but determined to get her way.”
Had Cherie been a terrorist this would have been the time to panic, or else detonate the explosives.
But it turns out that beardless Cherie was not packing an explosive device. And she was not travelling alone. Her spokeswoman tells us: “There were three people in Mrs Blair’s party and three pieces of hand luggage. The rules were met. We rest our case.”
Pity that the language of the courtroom should infiltrate everyday life. But this is Blair’s Britain.
There was no argument. There was no hissy fit. Asked if there was an “extended talk” with staff beyond normal safety questions, Cherie’s spokeswoman confirmed: “That is my understanding.”
At least it is to the best of her recollection.
The matter of Cherie’s carbon footprint will appear before the jury at a later date…
Posted: 24th, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (9)
Girl Power – Victoria Beckham & David Beckham At It Like Rabbits
VICTORIA wants a baby with her Day-vid.
And, as the Star reports, Sticky Vicky doesn’t just want any baby but a girl baby.
Of course, this quest has been well documented in the pages of the national press. Was it not Vicky who gave her youngest Cruz a girl’s name?
No mistakes next time, though. As the paper reports, Vicky has placed David on a diet of “rabbit food rich in alkaline”.
According to Rabbit Home, the one-top shop for all your rabbit needs, hay should make up a large part of your rabbit’s diet. “The most important thing that rabbits need is fibre, fibre, fibre,” says the rabbit section on Green Fields Rescue.
And then there is the thorny subject of how rabbits eat their own faeces.
But love will out. And while David chow down on lasts night’s reconstituted and passed hay supreme, the Star hears a source reveal more.
Says the insider: “Victoria says she is going to get a fertility sign in an intimate place, for David’s eyes only.”
So long as we don’t have to see it, there is no problem.
But we are curious as to the make-up of this ink. What will it be? The source says something “saucy”. Like a bottle of HP or a jug of gravy?
Not so, says Darryl Gates, a London-based tattooist. He believes it possible that Posh has found a Buddhist symbol or a Japanese character.
So it’s the Pikachu character from the Pokemon cartoons or a chubby bloke with big ear lobes.
Well, whatever turns you on…
Posted: 23rd, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (4)
Britney Spears Pays Off Kevin
A LOOK on Kevin Federline’s search engine fails to reveal how much cash he’s due to receive in any divorce from Britney Spears.
Happily, the Sun is on hand to tell us that K-Ferret is to get his hands on £10million.
The details of the settlement are not revealed in full and there is every chance Kevin will sing again.
But a friend of the rapping rodent tells us that things between Kevin and Britney are amicable. “Everything changed when Britney went into rehab,” says the source. “She and Kevin started talking again and he’s been a tower of strength for her.”
Who needs rehab when you have K-Fed to brighten your day and put your insecurities about failing looks and receding talent in perspective.
The source goes on: “Her time in rehab has given Britney a lot of time to think, and has shown her Kevin loves his kids and is a good dad.”
So terrific is Kevin that Britney is paying him a £1million lump sum – half her earnings during their two-year marriage – and half the sale proceeds from their Malibu home.
In all, K-Ferret will get £10million to no longer be Mrs Britney Spears.
Which may or may not be cheaper than a life in rehab…
Paris Hilton & Robbie Williams Duet?
“PARIS WOOS ROBBIE,” announces the Star.
Many are on first name terms with these celebrities but others are not, so we give full dues to Robbie Williams and Paris Hilton.
Paris is said to have sent Williams a solid gold fountain pen worth £2,500 and a note. This missive runs: “I know you like angels and if you want one to come into your life just write me into it with a song, a beautiful shining song.”
The R.U.D.E.B.O.X. up yer jacksy, split yer kecks sing a song of semtex, pocket full of durex body full of mandrex.
– Williams
When it comes to songs of beauty, Pairs knows where to go. But, as the Star says, Robbie paid little attention to the note. And then he bumped into Paris on a night out.
As a source explains: “Robbie thought the note was a bit cheesy and is obviously aware of Hilton’s airhead reputation and boyfriend swapping ways.”
I did it like this – you did it like that – I love it when you double clap clap
– Williams
And then there is Paris’s music. Unmentioned by the Star, we recall La Hilton’s foray into pop.
Those other guys all wanna take me for a ride
But when I walk their talk is suicide
Some people never get beyond their stupid pride
But you can see the real me inside
And I’m satisfied, oh no, ohh
– Hilton
Mindful of that we realise that Williams and Hilton may go on to form a daring new duo, operating at the bleeding edge of popular music. Both are stars but, as Lyn Collins observed, it takes two to make to make it outta sight.
Understandably, Williams is warming to the idea. The source tells us that Williams met Paris and had to reassess his image of her. “Rob found Paris witty, self-deprecating and very pretty in the flesh,” says the insider. “He felt a weight lifted when she was with him.”
For sure. – people in America were finally taking notice of him. Now just wait until they hear that song…
Posted: 21st, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Victoria Beckham’s Eyre & Graces
NEWS that Victoria Beckham is to host a book club in Los Angeles comes as no great shock.
Victoria, like husband Day-vid, is a woman of letters. Some mouths would say the letters are “OO” but we know them to be the letters formed into words and recorded in Learning to Fly: The Autobiography and That Extra Half an Inch: Hair, Heels and Everything in Between.
But Victoria’s book group will not deal in autobiography but other classic British texts.
Brooklyn Beckham: Learning to Walk by P. J. Smith has its fans, understandably, but it lacks the social cache of a book with pass notes and a plot that does not centre on which type of jelly goes best with which type of ice-cream.
According to the Star, Vicky’s Hollywood pal Katie Holmes is just dying to learn more about British classics. And with the Bronte sisters dead and Jackie Collins indisposed who better to ask than Victoria Beckham?
A source tells the paper: “Victoria has made plans for five of her female friends, including Katie Holmes and Jennifer Lopez, to meet at each other’s houses to discuss the British canon.
Books on the agenda include Jane Austen’s oeuvre and the works of Charles Dickens and Thomas hardy.
Interesting that this news should come on the same day the fruity-toned thespian Stephen Fry tells Radio Times magazine: “I shouldn’t be saying this but I sometimes wonder if Americans aren’t fooled by our accents into detecting a brilliance that may not really be there.”
Can it be that the great and good have stereotyped Vicky, turning her into a plain Jane Eyre, the girl who grow up Posh and then married her Mr Rochester, aka Day-vid?
The plot thickens…
