Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Naomi Campbell’s Drudge Chic
NAOMI Campbell scrubs up well.
At least this is what the Sun’s front page notes. There’s Naomi, the supermodel, doing her bit for drudge chic as she starts a week’s community service as a cleaner in New York.
Life is hard for a Britisher looking to carve out a career and a new life in the Land of Opportunity. And, as we’ve said, you have to start somewhere over there. And there, following in Boy George’s brush strokes, is our latest export.
Naomi is cleaning a garage at New York’s Sanitation Department. She’s wearing a Chanel cap (£250), Chanel watch (£2,000) and Christian Louboutin stiletto boots (£600).
British cleaners will surely look on with no little envy. While they toil in supermarket own brand Comfi-slax and clothing that no designer deems fit to lend their name to, America’s most lowly workers keep abreast of the latest trends.
Of course, you can always accessorise and the Express sees Campbell pull on an orange safety vest (vintage) and work gloves. The look is set off with a mop, broom, shovel and bin.
In this garb, Campbell will work from 8am to 4pm. She will enjoy a 15-minute break in the morning, an hour for lunch and a further 10 minutes leisure time in the afternoon.
A co-worker tells the Sun: “She worked really hard and asked the supervisor, ‘How am I doing?’ He told her she was working harder than some of the regular staff.”
It was ever the way of the immigrant. And we wish Campbell well…
Posted: 20th, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (5)
Turning Children To Vegetables
“CAN chicken and cabbage calm an unruly child?”
This is the Mail’s questions of the day. And it is as timely as it is vital.
But what is the answer? Can chicken and cabbage control a child? Can a child be led to chicken and cabbage and made to eat it? Can an unruly child be led anywhere? Is chicken and cabbage, the new bogeyman?
As ever, one question leads to many more.
But first things first – the debate must begin somewhere. And the Mail is investigating.
To go with the chicken, it sees lamb and rice. It sees bananas, apples and sprouts.
Are these the good foods? Are these the foods that will chill the active child, turn the hysterical bundle of snot, tears and belligerence into, well, a cabbage, a chicken?
“There are not good and bad foods but rather susceptible children can react to any of many dozens of foods in an idiosyncratic manner,” says psychology professor Dr David Benton.
Dr Benton has written a report. As she says: “There is a need to develop ways of identifying those likely to react to their diet.”
But how to test the children? The professor does not say. And the temptation is to surely place all children on a chicken and cabbage diet.
And if they can be fed “healthy fats” like omega three – the Mail cites a study by Cambridge University scientist Diane Bamber that found young offenders given fish oils “significantly reduced their anti-social behaviour” – the nippers can be controlledAnd they can become smarter.
The Mail notes “recent research” that says omega three can “greatly increase intelligence in a very short time.”
Indeed, the child may develop their brains and so too their cunning in such a short period that they will work out that chicken and cabbage is less tasty than burger and chips.
They may also work out that mum and dad’s 1970s diet of Space Dust, Slimcea bread and Kia Ora, all preserved beneath a film of Harmony hairspray, never did them any harm…
Kate Moss & Pete Doherty Scratching The Surface
KATE Moss and Pete Doherty are in the pub. This is part of Moss’s “pork scratchings and Guinness diet”.
The Mail looks on, taking notes, as Moss and pop’s f*ckwit take a private helicopter to Cornwall.
Once there they should have set about planting so many life-giving trees and shrubs (marijuana bushes, cocoa borders, poppies etc) to make their trip carbon neutral.
But instead they visited the Falcon Inn at St Mawgan and chowed down of hardened pork rind.
A source tells the Mail: “Kate ordered not just one packet but two packets of pork scratchings and half a pint of Guinness while Pete opted for a packet of crisps and a pint of lager.”
As ever, the substance of the thing is in the detail. And we lament the Mail’s lack of observation that leaves its readers ignorant to the brand of Pete’s tipple and the flavour of his crisps.
At least the Star knows what’s what. And it sees Kate wearing sunglasses and
Pete sporting a huge spot.
Now back in their Cotswolds’ home, the Star sees Pete, Kate and Kate’s daughter Lila Grace heading off for a pub lunch. “They seemed a really happy family,” says an onlooker. “The only thing spoiling it all was that huge zit.”
Or is it just a stray pork scratching..?
Terry Wogan’s Double Eurovision
YOU join us as the results for the right to represent Britain in the Eurovision song contest are being announced by Terry Wogan.
It is surely every musician’s greatest honour to represent their country. And the hope is that whoever gets the nod will keep a cool head under pressure and bring home the spoils from Finland.
The lights are dimmed. The low-energy spotlight is switched on.
Terry Wogan. (Thierry Woggan) steps forward. Terry is 68. The contest is down to the final two acts. This is the “sing off”.
And the winner is (And ze vinner ist)…. Cyndi Almouzni.
The light is flashed on and off repeatedly. Miss Almouzni smiles. She can’t believe it. She has won. A French woman will represent the UK. To Finland and beyond!
And the winner is…
There is a new winner. And the new winner is…Scooch. Again the lightbulb is flashed off and then on again in celebratory style. Scooch – two boys, two girls – punch the air. Cyndi resists the urge and punches nothing as he is ushered from the stage.
“This is live TV and unfortunately sometimes these things do happen,” says the man from the BBC, which televised the show. Indeed. Anything can happen on live telly – an elephant can do a poo, a child can say something stupid, a singer’s hopes and dreams can be destroyed.
And the BBC can be embroiled in another phoneline scandal – the winner was selected by viewers calling in. (Incidentally, Scooch frontman Russ Spencer is still listed as a presenter for The Great British Quiz, the TV show where callers dial a premium rate phoneline to answer cryptic puzzles.)
So Scooch are Flying The Flag, appropriate since that is the name of their entry into the Eurovison proper.
Billed as “this generation’s Bucks Fizz”, Scooch will bring home the spoils and restore a nation’s pride after Jemini (nil points) and white rapper Daz Smapson (equally pointless)…
Picture: The Spine
Posted: 19th, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)
GM Livers, NHS sick, junk food, DVT, killer magpies and more…
EVERY day of every week the Mail thinks up imaginative ways to remind you that life is cruel and you are going to experience pain and die. And if it can’t think any up, it looks at the latest scientific research.
Here is a selection of things that will kill you and yours from last week’s paper of doom…
MONDAY
“Most Britons will be obese in 25 years” – Only most?
Hurrah!
“Anti-racism is the modern McCarthyism. Instead of stamping out bigotry, it stamps out truth and justice” – Melanie Phillips; if she floats she’s a witch!
“MAGPIE MENACE. You might salute him for luck – but the jaunty magpie is a savage predator slaughtering our songbirds” – One for sorrow; two for sorrow; three for sorrow
TUESDAY
The Numbers:
13 – The percentage of people who have no natural teeth
60,000 – The number of people in the UK who have Crohn’s disease
“I laughed when friends complained about hot flushes. Then I went into menopause meltdown” – Linda Robson gets old
“The doctor made me a new jaw from my shoulder – with ready fitted teeth” – Me and my Osteosarcoma operation
“Buying drugs at the chemist is so convenient. But are you gambling with your health?” – 2-1 says maybe
“Computer staff ‘at greater risk of DVT than flyers’” – So says researcher at New Zealand’s Medical Research Institute
WEDNESDAY
“Blame the junk food. Bad diet, not lack of exercise, ‘is behind child obesity crisis’” – As you were kids, says Professor Terence Wilkin
“DON’T YOU DARE BE ILL OUT OF HOURS. GP shake-up has left cover at night and weekends a shambles, warn MPs” – Luckily many of our MPs have private health cover
THURSDAY
“GM Corn ‘could cause kidney and liver damage’” – says a team at the University of Caen
FRIDAY
“I felt so safe as RAF Vulcans flew over my school. Why, then, do I now think Britain does NOT need Trident” – Tom Utley’s school days
Posted: 18th, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
You Say You Pay
AS the regulators and broadcasters grapple with the TV phoneline scandal, Anorak once again reminds viewers of daytime telly – the institutionalised, the bedridden, the journalists – what they are doing without…
Posted: 17th, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)
BBC In TV Phoneline Jam Bust
“CBEEBIES cheat,” announces the Mirror.
The BBC’s children’s channel is accused of pre-recording a ‘live’ TV show. As the paper reports, junior Saturday morning TV watchers were invited to dial a 10p phoneline to apply for CBBC’s Jam Buster game.
The chance to five a cannon at moving lumps of mush was intoxicating. Children dialled in, although the Mirror omits to mention how many.
But they didn’t stand a chance. It was not that the cannon was calibrated badly, offering the shooter more chance of hitting their toes than the target. It was that the winners had already been selected.
And not just any winners, but winners from the Stagecoach drama school agency. As the agency’s website says: “The Stagecoach Agency (UK) Ltd represents young performer’s aged between 4 – 19 years currently attending Stagecoach Theatre Arts schools and wishing to be represented by an agent.”
“It was such a shocking betrayal,” says a whistleblower who used to work at Stagecoach.
“The agency children were guaranteed prizes advertised on the show and went up to the London studio on the Friday beforehand. They got in at 9.30am and practised the game, blasting bubbles of splat. They were in another room when the presenter said ‘Who have we got on the phone?’ as if it was all a surprise.’”
There is no little skill in acting surprised on the telly, a talent made no easier by the tension of then being invited to fire gun at a moving lump of splodge. Many nascent and experienced showbiz careers have foundered on less. Was not Noel Edmonds in the TV wilderness for too long? Did the Phantom Flan Flinger ever work again?
A spokesman for the show explains: “Stagecoach fed us children through its drama group but no money changed hands.”
But there were prizes. One would-be Little Orphan Annie girl won an iPod and a robot dog. A boy did the same.
More from the Stagecoach website: “The Agency’s overriding aim is to generate opportunities from multiple entertainment platforms to be able to continue offering Stagecoach students a wide range of opportunities and life experiences.”
Indeed. With the spate of reality TV shows offering the chance for the untrained and the un-pushed to appear on the magic box, the BBC has tapped into a vein of talent.
They who will do whatever the script demands….
Posted: 17th, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Lohan Denies ‘Bull***’ TMZ
THE website TMZ is running a story this afternoon, claiming “that Lindsay Lohan was so deeply concerned that her felon father (recently released from prison) would crash a party she was deejaying last night, that she had the club go to serious lengths to prevent him from showing up.”
Whether that side of the story is true or not, Michael Lohan’s camp says there was no reason to fear – and claims the story’s been trumped up to make him “look bad.”
“That’s – how can I say this nicely? That’s bullshit,” said Brett Hudson, producer of the new Michael Lohan reality television series. “I was on the phone to Michael twice last night. He had no intention of showing up at any nightclub. That’s not the way he wants to reunite with his daughter. My God, the man just got out of prison. Give him a break!”
Michael Lohan was released from the Collins State Correctional Facility on Tuesday. While inside, he attended Bible college and became an Assemblies of God minister. He’s said he now wants to make amends, help others avoid this mistakes – and reunite with his family.
Regarding Lindsay, he was quoted the night of his release saying: “I’m going to wait, and when she sees I’m walking the walk, I’m hopeful she’ll open the door.”
“I think Lindsay’s actions this week speak louder than bad tabloid reporting,” Hudson said, referring to her documented all-night antics in New York City, including a reckless chase in which she allegedly struck a paparazzo with her SUV. “There’s a lot of self-created drama around her. And what’s that girl doing in nightclubs to begin with? She just got out of rehab!
“I know where Lindsay’s father is,” he said. “Where’s her mother?
Hudson is the uncle of actress Kate Hudson and has been on both sides of the tabloid fence, as a subject in his days with the Hudson Brothers, and as an award-winning producer in the 2005 revival of A Current Affair.
“Before he went to prison, Michael had claimed he was the victim of the Hollywood machine,” he told us this afternoon. “With this kind of story, I can see his point.”
Pic: 14
Chop Idol – American Idol’s Simon Cowell Misses Antonella Barba
ANTONELLA Barba had a lucky escape from American Idol.
Simon Cowell has been in conversation with Anderson Cooper, CNN’s newsman in a suit and tidy hair.
Cooper wants to know if Cowell’s put downs are the equivalent of stonings.
The Star sees Cowell smirk. “That’s an interesting thought for the show…where we could actually do that,” he says.
Anderson: You would consider that?
Cowell: Why not? I could see a similarity to a point, but it’s human nature. You know, we are fascinated with that.”
“I think people should be given the chance to watch them,” he adds. “Yeah, why not?”
Cooper: With commercials?
Cowell: Sponsorship. Yeah, sponsorship.
And who would be the sponsor? Perhaps the Chinese state government, the world’s biggest executioners.
And why not open it up to a talent show – inviting executioners to compete for the Chop Idol title? You can learn more about the job here.
And here comes the chopper to chop off your head. Ooops! That looks nasty. He’s missed the head and only lopped off Sanjaya Malakar’s hair.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have our winner…
Posted: 16th, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)
Off Message – Justin Timberlake On Britney Spears
BRITNEY SPEARS is in rehab and Justin Timberlake has delivered a touching message.
The Enquirer looks on as a woman approaches Timberlake, who is leaving his agent’s offices.
Woman: Why won’t you help her out? I’ve read she’s still in love with you. Can’t you just try?”
Timberlake: Why does everyone keep telling me I have to take care of Britney?.. Britney, Britney, Britney! …She’s an EX girlfriend. Doesn’t she get it? We’re so not together anymore. I am sooooo totally over her!
Timberlake goes to heart to the matter. And the woman who probed him should go straight to the Sun’s offices and score a job as a showbiz reporter.
You see, while Timberlake is heard to rant off the record, on the record the Sun hears him deliver an altogether different message.
In “Justin: I’ll help Brit”, the Sun hears Justin give his former flame his “unconditional love and support.”
Britney is said to have cried when she head that. But, then, given Britney’s reported mental state, she might cry at all manner of things.
Indeed, she might well have sobbed when she read of a different Timberlake in the Enquirer…
Posted: 16th, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (9)
Arrest The Gollywogs
TWO black males are acting suspiciously. One is 6ft tall.
Seen hanging around In Touch, a shop in the centre of Writhington, Lancashire, the call has gone out.
Boots on cobbles. Knocks on doors. Boots in shop. Arrests. Questions.
The black figures are taken away by the police.
“Surely the police have got more important things to do,” says shop owner Gavin Alexander in the Mail. “It’s cases like this that cause racism.”
Indeed. What crimes have these black figures been accused of? DWB (driving while black)? Being black in a quaint village setting? Resisting arrest?
And do not doubt these gollywogs have caused offence. And this is not our word, but the word on the street and the word in the shop. The two golly rag dolls have been upsetting shoppers.
They will have to be removed. Police have taken a statement from the shop’s owner. He is instructed to remove these items from sale. The days of slavery are long gone. The golly on the keyring is as anachronistic as it is wrong.
But then a reprieve. The police say no offence has been committed. As you were. The gollywogs can go back on sale.
And the police force’s sexual relations unit drag Barbie flicking and screaming to the van…
Posted: 16th, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)
When With Roman – Mrs Abramovich Sits Pretty
OLGA Abramovich is in the bedsit she once shared with her ex-husband roman Abramovich.
The Sun has jetted out to Moscow to speak with Olga, the woman who knew billionaire roman when he was poor, Russia was locked behind an Iron Curtain and Chelsea FC were competing in the Zenith Data Systems Cup.
Olga recalls those times, sat as she is in the flat she received as settlement when she divorced Roman. Sat as she is on the sofa bed where, as the Sun tells us, Olga and Roman “consummated their marriage”.
Says Olga: “Over the years, I have occasionally thought that if the dice had rolled differently I could have been sharing it with him – but it wasn’t to be.”
And then an insight into Roman’s then life. “I did all the cooking and all the cleaning,” says Olga. “He never washed or ironed.”
Is this why they divorced? Does Irina Abramovich, Roman’s now second ex-wife, reads this and nod in empathy?
But it was not all so many creased shirts. “We were really happy for a year and a half,” says Olga, who married Roman in 1988. “It was real love for both of us.”
But there were rows. “If I got offended I would deny him sex…but he never turned me down,” says Olga, and again we are back on that sofa bed.
But it turns out not to be the sofa bed in Olga’s home. The Sun tells us that chez Abramovich is now rented out. Olga lives 12 miles up the road with her new husband in another flat she owns.
“I have never asked Roman for money” says she. “I don’t need it. More money just created more problems.”
Perhaps. But surely Roman could stretch to a new sofa bed, or at least to have it steam cleaned…
Posted: 16th, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Beatle Nut – Heather Mills Goes On About Paul McCartney
WE are not yet divorced from Heather Mills. But there are sings Heather Mills is divorced from reality.
“DAY SHE LOST THE PLOT,” says the Mirror’s front page. “Lady Macca rants on the divorce.. how she still loves Paul.. and on ‘powers out to destroy me’.
Heather is the “BEATLE MANIAC”. The Beatle nut. Heather is on a tour of TV and radio stations.
Sky TV’s Eamonn Holmes, sensitive to the needs of a nation keen to finalise arrangements with Heather, asks when it will all be over. Says Heather: “Do you know what? I’ve got no idea. It’s like getting blood from a stone.”
But not blood from a Beatle. That may constitute a threat.
In another interview, Heather goes on: “It could be a year – I’ve got no idea. It’s not down to me, it’s all down to the hubby.”
Since we are all involved in this protracted divorce, we suggest that the arrangements involves both parties, and if Heather would, for instance, tell Paul she’ll finish it for a million quid, we dare say he’d go for it straight away.
But Heather has moved on. And we are watching – not that she wants us to. “Think about it,” says she to the nation. “When do I ever go on TV, how many times in the last year? I’m not a publicity seeker. I’m chased day in, day out.”
So Heather tells the national media. So Heather tells BBC Radio Five Live: “I will never get over it. I will always love Paul.”
Heather appears on BBC new 24, soon to be renamed Heather Watch. Says she: “There is a huge agenda about trying to destroy me. I don’t have that powerful system he has.” Heather feels that she is under attack.
This is the Star’s “MUCCA’S TELLY RANTFEST”.
This is Heather Mills McCartney telling the world about animal welfare.
But we’ll have to leave it there, Heather – we’ve run out of time…
Posted: 16th, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (5)
David Gest Catches Malandra
IS I’m A Celebrity star David Gest, the former Mr Liza Minnelli, the man whose hair UNESCO has designated a scene of special scientific interest, with a new woman?
The Sun seems to think so. “You won’t Gest who is seeing Malandra,” runs the headline.
But we will. The clue is in the headline. And for the mentally negligible there’s a picture. Put the two together and we realise that Gest is on dating terms with Malandra Burrows.
This is Burrows, the youngest ever winner of the TV talent show New Faces in 1974 and latterly an actress on Emmerdale.
Malandra is the epitome of the British star, her career reading like a showbiz how-to guide – TV talent show – date Darren Day – soap star – reality TV.
And now Malandra is stepping out with Gest.
Says her agent Keith Bishop: “Malandra got on with all the jungle contestants. She is as friendly with David as she is with anyone.”
We await news of Malandra’s dates with other jungle agonists, like Jason Donovan, Dean Gaffney and Myleene Klass.
But for now all a source tells the Sun is that Malandra and Gest have shared “romantic dinners and are really enjoying each other’s company”.
And we say go for it. Gest may not be every blonde ex-soap actress’s dream date, but the nation has warmed to him.
If pop acorn Peter Andre and Jordan can meet on the show and then marry, why not Gest and Burrows?
After so many rat’s testicles and cockroaches, how unappetising can it be..?
Posted: 16th, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)
Liz Hurley’s Carbon Dating
IS Liz Hurley carbon neutral?
With so many sharp intakes of breath at her wedding to Arun Nayar, the planet may well be in Liz’s debt. We may even have to kill some trees to restore harmony.
Not so, say “environment consultants” Best Foot Forward. They say Hurley has been wearing Jimmy Choo clown boots, forming a carbon footprint bigger than the average couple produce in a decade.
In a decade, when Liz’s wedding to Arun is nearing its end, we will address this claim.
But for now the Mirror hears from a spokesman for the company. “This level of emission is utter wasteful extravagance,” says he. “We have to challenge the idea that this is something wonderful – and realise it is putting the planet in danger.”
Will Liz Hurley do for us all?
The Mirror investigates. It sees guests and Liz unleash 30 tonnes of carbon into the atmosphere. Growing the £30,000 worth of white roses that festooned the first wedding chapel used 18 tonnes of carbon.
The Learjet that whisked Liz to Mumbai emitted 82 tonnes of the gas. Accommodation in India added 18.5 tonnes and food and drink about the same.
Another 20 tonnes of carbon was produced by the trip to Jodhpur.
The Mirror says it would “take an Indian couple 123 years to cause similar environmental damage.” Which Indian couple, the Mirror does not say, understandably fearing accusations on racism and another Jade Goody-style incident.
A spokesman for Friends of the Earth tells the paper: “Perhaps stars like Liz should think about setting a more positive example.”
It is a hope shared by millions. But we fear it is too late and right now hundreds if not thousands of British couples are booking and embarking on a wedding odyssey.
We fear the planet may not survive the speeches…
Posted: 15th, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Mel B & Eddie Murphy – Spot The Difference
FORMER spice Girl Mel B says the father of her baby is Eddie Murphy.
The Sun has a picture of the woman who was once Scary showing the world that in pop who can always go back one last time.
Looking very pregnant, Mel can be seen in velour tracksuit and white vest.
“B is for Bump,” says the Sun. Readers learn that Murphy is disputing his role in said bump. He wants a DNA test to prove the baby is his.
“If you ask me,” says the Sun’s showbiz writer, “Eddie’s a Beverly Hills C*ck.”
And if you ask some others, there is not a little similarity between Mel as she is now and Eddie as he is appearing on a silver screen near you in Norbit.
Posted: 15th, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (7)
Heather Mills Like A Pig In Muck
HEATHER Mills is on a pig farm.
Is this the chance pigkind has been waiting for? With celebrity pig tosser Rebecca Loos having wrung out and hung up her rubber gloves, is Heather now to court and pleasure livestock?
The Mail has a photograph of Heather approaching a pig from the rear. Heather’s pink face is turned to the camera. The pigs face is facedown in muck.
More pictures: “She pulls on her disinfected boots”; she is pictured among the pigs; “she is talking to camera inside a darkened shed.”
This is “Heather, animal activist”. It is the dead of night and Heather Mills is leading a crack team from the vegetarian activist group Viva! in a raid on Briarwood Farm, Somerset.
Mills sees farrowing crates, used by sows when they are giving birth and to suckle their young. They are “cages” Heather says”. They are “prisons”.
Today Ms Mills will launch a campaign to outlaw these crates. “This is not just torture – this is M&S torture”, she will say, highlighting Marks & Spencer’s acceptance of meat reared in this fashion.
And Heather can expect success. As an M& S spokesman tells us: “We are disappointed Viva! is taking this action as we met and told them before Christmas that we were phasing out the use of farrowing crates.”
Interesting that heather should make her raid on the farm just two weeks ago – an illegal raid. Says farm owner Michael Underhill: “This is trespass, I intend to take legal action over this.”
But Heather must draw attention to her latest cause. And if she is looking for a new angle we suggest that she considers pushing herself into one of these farrowing crates. She may even care to give birth in one.
This will highlight the inhumanity of it…
Blue Peter Toys With Orphans
“BLUE CHEATER,” announces the Star’s front page. And instantly we fear the worst.
Has a star on flagship BBC children’s show Blue Peter been caught cheating?
Realising that John Leslie once fronted the show, so too Anthea Turner, the sight of host Konnie Huq in a pink singlet makes our blood run cold.
We are all set to send the children and grandma from the room, expecting to see pictures of rolled up bank notes, stills from home-made porn videos and a spurned spouse sobbing her heart out.
But reading on we learn that this is the story of another phoneline scandal. A relief to many, but not for the thousands of viewers who called the show to give their answer to a quiz.
As the Sun reports (“AND HERE’S ONE WE MADE UP EARLIER”), 13,862 people got their parent’s permission and called Blue Peter to identity an EastEnders’ star from a picture of their feet.
This was part of the Blue Peter Shoe Biz Appeal. Money would go to Aids orphans in Africa. Calls cost 10p. And in total £450.52 was raised.
But technology failed. No caller could be selected to go through and take the prize. So a member of the production team was invited to find a winner.
And rather than phone in herself, she found a girl on a tour of the studio. This girl, let’s call her Peggey Sawyer, stepped in at the last moment to save the show. She correctly guessed the shoes belonged to Charlie Clements. She won a toy.
But Mona Zahoor, visiting the studio with her son (he was, er, not selected), was shocked. She complained. And now the Mirror’s front page reads: “Here’s one we faked earlier.”
“We let you down,” trills the aforesaid Konnie to the watching, weeping millions. And not only us, Konnie, but EastEnders, shoes and those Malawi orphans, stooges in a scam.
First Madonna passes them by and now this…
Sienna Miller Sprays Away
SIENNA Miller, professional girlfriend and fulltime blonde, is in conversation with the Sun.
Says Sienna: “They put make-up all over your body so looks like you have a nice bum and you don’t see the stretch marks that us girls all have.”
She goes on: “It may look like I’m comfortable but I’m not. They take hours lighting the scene so that you don’t see every lump and bump and they spray your bum so it looks nice – but it doesn’t really look like that in real life.”
There is much to say about Sienna’s bum (NSFW). And so much of it has been said before.
But Sienna is more than a sprayed backside. Sienna is an actress with a sprayed backside. And she is in town to promote her new movie Factory Girl.
So the Sun looks through its notes and asks her if she really did have sex with her co-star Hayden Christiansen.
So much of being an actress is about sticking to the script, repeating the same thing over and over. And Sienna displays no end of talent as she repeats the answer to the question she has been asked so many times before. Sienna gives the same answer she gave OK! last month.
The Sun needs something new. So it asks Sienna if she diets and what she likes to eat. “I’m quite an energetic person,” says Sienna. She’s got a fascinating metabolism, which you can read about in that benchmark OK! interview.
But the Sun does encourage one new anecdote from Sienna. Says she: “I remember a shot in W magazine and I’m arching back a little bit and then you see the picture and it’s this perfect arse – and it’s not like that.”
Indeed, not. It has been sprayed. But with what, the Sun does not care to ask…
Posted: 14th, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)
Artful Dodgers & Salad Dodgers
WITH no fat kid looming into view, the papers spot a miscreant.
“Banned from going out after 9pm to 6am, possessing a knife, possessing a screwdriver, throwing stones, throwing eggs, possessing drugs, possessing a bong, possessing drugs paraphernalia, possessing alcohol and being drunk..AND HE’S 10,” runs the Mirror’s headline.
There is much Lewis Green cannot do. But on a more positive note Lewis in thin. The hope is that confined to quarters and unable to engage in some of his energetic activities, Lewis does not turn to comfort eating and lard.
Lewis has three convictions for burglary, possessing a knife and causing criminal damage. He nicks money, mobile phones and ciggies from his mum Stephanie (weight unspecified) and dad Derek (likewise).
And now Lewis is in possession of an anti-social behaviour order, one of the dwindling list of items he is allowed to keep.
More of “The terror aged ten” in the Mail. Lewis, dressed in regulation hooded leisure ware, is said to have been excluded from “several” schools.
Up before the Beak, Judge Nalla Lawrence, at Barnsley Magistrates Court, Lewis awaits his fate.
Mum speaks up. “Since he was put on an anger management drug three months ago he has not go into any trouble… Local people have even been asking me where he is, he has changed that much,” says he.
She pleads for clemency: “This Asbo could lead to him being dragged out by the older kids who have led him into trouble.”
But the ruling is made. Lewis is awarded an Asbo. Says the dispenser of justice: “The purpose of the order is to protect persons, not necessarily to punish Lewis.”
But Lewis has been punished. He has been “named and shamed”, says the Mail. His face is in the papers.
See where stealing sweets and verbally abusing a community police officer get you? Into the national press, that’s where.
That’ll learn him…
First Birds Of Summer
PHWOARR! Wot a scorcher!
The Star salutes the arrival of British summertime in traditional fashion. “COR PHEW!” announces the front-page headline. “It’s hotter here than Greece.”
Who says global warming is a bad thing? Not the Star, which shows that summertime heralds the arrival of Big Brother babe Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace popping to the shops in her knickers.
Inside the paper and Aisleyne’s beating the traffic on a jetski. “BOTTER THAN GREECE,” says the Star as Aisleyne moons the sun.
But there is trickery afoot. Aisleyne is not in Bridlington. She is in Spain.
Back in Blighty, the view is less sizzling. The Star looks and it looks but sun-worshippers on Brighton beach are too hot to be bothered to remove their clothes.
The same picture appears in the Express. And however hard we look there is no hint of a babe frolicking in the surf.
But in case any would-be stunna is thinking of disrobing and so catching the eye of a passing snapper, the Express brings a warning: snow is forecast.
“Weather expert” Michael Dukes says the winter has not yet passed, “so it’s not quite time to put away the winter woollies yet.”
But why not compromise, girls? Why not knit yourself a bikini and be prepared for every eventuality? Or ask your grandma to do it for you…
David Gest’s Jungle Crumbs
REMEMBER when David Gest was terrifying?
Gest – who has gone under the knife more times than the Christmas turkey.
Gest – with his cottage-cheese-in-a-ziplock-bag physique.
Gest – the self-confessed friend of Michael Jackson.
Then Gest set up camp in the I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here! jungle. And rather than scaring off former boyband members, mosquitoes and Jason Donovan, Gest proved to be entertaining and likeable.
We cheered for the former Mr Liza Minnelli – she hoped Gest was “f*****d by a kangaroo and eaten by crocs”.
Gest was a good sport. And had coitus with a kangaroo and dinner with the crocodiles been a task, the feeling is that Gest would have undertaken it with brio and a smile.
We voted for him to win the show. But he didn’t win. The winner was former Busted singer Matt Willis.
But now front-page news. The Sun tells us that more than 30,000 phone votes made for Gest to wear the jungle crown were lost.
The Sun hears from a whistleblower, an executive at the phoneline company Eckoh. She claims another company, Mig, gave them their results too late to figure in the final tally.
This caused Gest to be booted off the show. The honour of making the final three went to Myleene Klass, or, more vitally, Myleene’s white bikini.
As the insider tells us via email: “I can’t believe that there’s been a cock-up with the system like that, so near the end as well. Migs’ system obviously couldn’t handle all the text messages, but it’s their problem not ours so sod it.”
For their parts, ITV, which broadcasts the show, says all votes were counted. And Eckoh says the emails seen by the Sun are a “malicious fabrication”.
It hard to know who to believe. And while ITV sets up a premium-rate phoneline to seek an answer to the question “Was David Gest Robbed? – “Press 1 For Yes; Press 2 for No; Press 3 for Rawl Plugs” – we read on.
And we see on the Mirror’s front page that Gest could be returning to our screens as a judge on the X Factor.
What a spooky coincidence, say you, that Gest should appear on the front page of two pages in two seemingly unrelated stories.
Says an X Factor source in the Mirror: “David was a real hit on I’m A Celeb… so they already know how popular he is with the audience.”
Indeed. And if the whistleblower is correct, Gest is more popular than many of us had previously thought…
Posted: 13th, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)
Prince Charles Foot In Mouth
AND what about Prince Charles’ stance on McDonald’s?
Said Charles to a nutritionist: “Have you got anywhere with McDonald’s? Have you tried to get it banned?”
Not true, says the Prince’s office. “His Royal highness said how strange it is that smoking is banned but nothing else. Mention of McDonald’s never came into it.”
Picture: Beau Bo D’Or
Posted: 12th, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)
Camilla’s Shoddy Behaviour
ON the matter of Prince Charles’s green credentials, the Mail brings news.
The story goes that on a recent trip to the Gulf, Charles’ wife Camilla discovered that she’d left a shoe at home.
Calls were made. A search was undertaken. The shoe was found. The shoe was flown to Camilla and reunited with its other half.
The delicious image of a horseshoe-shaped piece of metal and leather sat on a first-class recliner is tempting.
And it is one the Mail is keen to emphasise. “Camilla’s high heels leave a huge carbon footprint,” it says.
“This is one hell of carbon footprint just for a pair of shoes,” says a campaigner from green pressure group Plane Stupid.
It’s all the more galling when the Mail revels that Camilla never wore the shoes.
But, of course, the shoe did not have its own seat on a private jet?
As a spokesman for Clarence House says: “They were not specially couriered, but were sent along with a number of items and paperwork as is often the case of royal tours.”
So there goes the shoe, sat alongside Charles’s morning paper and toothpaste squeezer du jour…
Posted: 12th, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)
Prince Charles’ Bore Meddles
IS Prince Charles meddling?
The Mail highlights tonight’s TV show – Charles – The Meddling Prince – and hears the Prince’s response to the charge that he interferes.
The show features Lord Wedderburn, QC, a life peer and Emeritus Professor of Law at the London School of Economics. He tells the programme: “If, in fact, nothing changed and he became King, then there would be a most almighty fuss and controversy, and eventually the whole fabric of the constitutional monarchy could be threatened”.
You might suppose a leading Royal would rise above such things as a bunch of nodding heads on a TV show, but Charles has shown himself to be a man of the people.
So on the matter of meddling in matters he knows little about, in a 33-page rebuttal Charles’ office tells us: “Neither constitutional convention nor recent legislation supports the contention that because the Prince’s interference is secret and beyond scrutiny, the Prince is abusing his unique position.”
Constitutional convention on the contention of the legislation says the man at the office of the man who would be King Catactacus. This is strong stuff.
But Charles is not just passing by. He will not, as the show suggests, bring down the monarchy.
And Charles is not weird and reactionary. Says Sir Michael Peat, the Prince’s private secretary: “His Royal Highness always consults widely before expressing a view and uses a wide range of experts.”
And if you don’t believe that you can always ask the guy who squeezes his toothpaste onto his brush of a morning and Charles’ pet begonia and confidant.
And what of his earnings? Charles’ Duchy of Cornwall earns the heir to the throne £14million a year. He pays neither capital gains tax nor corporation tax. The voice tells us: “The Prince of Wales does have a unique and very privileged tax position.”
And then there is the environment. Charles travels by aeroplane. Charles has cars. Charles is green: “His Royal Highness has stopped playing polo, in part to reduce carbon emissions, has cancelled private trips overseas.”
Nothing to do with sporting injuries or age, you understand – more to do with horses and polo wives not panting out so much carbon dioxide.
All very noble…
Posted: 12th, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)
