Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Heather Mills Changes Her Spots
CAN Heather Mills escape her past?
Many have studied Heather’s work in Die Freuden der Liebe (The Lover’s Guide), the hardworking blonde’s tribute to baby oil and Anglo-German relations.
And now the Mirror would like its readers to take a look at Heather as you have never seen her before. This is “LADY MUCCA IN A MINK.”
And there is Heather wearing her mother’s mink coat. As we know, Heather is an anti-fur campaigner. And when we see the picture the temptation is to applaud her brave stance.
In wearing the pelts of 40 dead animals, Heather is surely getting in touch with her inner mink.
The expectation is to see further pictures of Mills walking in a mink farm. To shouts of “That’s a big ‘un!” the mink farmers chase the biggest catch go their professional lives.
At the moment of capture, Mills removes her coat, and very possibly all her clothes. She reveals herself to be a woman, an animal no different to a mink.
The farmers resist the urge to skin Mills alive. They see the light. Many mink are saved.
But it is not so. This is a picture taken from a video of Heather attending a wedding in 1989.
Alongside her then husband Alfie Karmal, Heather beams with happiness as she strides forward.
“She really loved that cost,” says Heather’s former sister-in-law Dianna Karmal. “When I see her anti-fur campaigns now, I always chuckle.”
She goes on: “The pictures are from long ago but no-one’s aware of her previous love of fur. The charities she campaigns for will feel let done.”
Will they? Or will they champion this revelation as evidence that the fur-clad damned can be saved?
That a woman in a leopard-skin coat can change her spots? That Heather can change..?
Posted: 12th, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (7)
Spy School
“ARE schools being used to spy on your children?”
Most parents would hope so. What is a school report but a dossier of evidence? And – cruelty of cruelties – often the student, the spied-on, is forced to deliver this report to their handlers in person.
But, as the Mail reports, there is more information available to teachers than what little Armani got up on the geography field trip and a hundred and more euphemisms for “thick”.
The Mail says schools are “expected” to collect information about a pupil. Information, which is passed on to the authorities, should include: height, weight, family profile, religion, medical information and school travel arrangements.
And today “head teachers’ leader” Malcolm Trobe, president of the Association of School and College Leaders, will use a speech to say how “unreasonable” requests for information should be boycotted.
Says Trobe (13stone 1lb, 5ft 10in, Jedi, picked up from school my mother in dark blue estate car, number of lice on head: 0): “We are being asked for information we don’t see as necessary for them to have.”
He calls the Government Big Brother. “It’s a bit nanny-state-ish”, he offers.
It would seem so as the Mail says up to 3,500 schools are taking fingerprints from pupils.
Although what with teenagers being muggers and drug addicts by another name, why schools don’t just go to the police for such information is a moot point.
Heather Mills’ Video Nasty
HEATHER Mills, estranged wife of Paul McCartney, is acting strangely.
The Mail has a picture of Heather sat behind the wheel of a large 4×4.
Such brazen behaviour in these days of environmental turmoil should not pass unnoticed.
If Heather is seeking to make herself still more despised we cannot think of a better way to achieve her aim than by driving over Mother Nature’s throat in her urban tank.
But there is more. As the picture shows, Heather is melting the icecap and killing so many polar bears, fluffy baby seals and penguins while operating a camcorder.
“She pulled out of the station holding the camera and looking out the window,” says one onlooker.
The Mail, however, is uncertain if Heather is moving at the same time as she is filming they who would film her.
But it does say with no lack of conviction that she goes on to jump a read light.
We know. What if a child has been crossing at the time? See that iconic image of The Beatles crossing Abbey Road. See the Mercedes 4×4 driven by a blonde woman using a camcorder approach. See The Beatles disband with no Frog Chorus.
As the man from the Automobile Association points out, Rule 127 of the Highway Code states in bald terms: “You must exercise proper control of your vehicle at all times.”
A spokesman for the Royal Automobile Club tells us that driving while producing a home movie is “extremely dangerous”.
But did Heather really do it? There is no moving image that can be used as evidence.
And so what if she did. Heather is rich. As the Sun says, “greedy” Heather Mills has just received £2million from McCartney. This is described by a source as a “goodwill gesture without prejudice”.
Very nice. But is anything ever devoid of prejudice? And do note Heather’s choice of vehicle…
Posted: 9th, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
One Minute Wonder – Prince William & Kate Middleton
“BESOTTED Kate Middleton beamed with delight yesterday as boyfriend Prince William lovingly held her in his arms.”
The Sun has pictures of 25-year-old Kate and 24-year-old William touching each other in Switzerland.
Readers learn that the two young lovers held each other for a full minute. The Sun counts. “One knickers shot, two knickers shot, three knickers shot” and so on… Sixty knickers come and sixty knickers pass by.
At the time of this embrace they were on skis, and it is not known if Kate and Wills were keeping each other from falling down or else sliding away into a pack of Swiss schoolchildren.
“Then the future King gave his sweetheart a gentle kiss in a rare public show of affection.”
How long the kiss lasts, the Sun does not say. We do not learn where the kiss was planted. We know not if it was reciprocated.
Happily the Mail was concentrating and not counting and sees the kiss planted on Kate’s cheek. The right one.
After the kiss, the cuddle and the skiing, the couple retire to a café in Zermatt.
The Sun hears from a fellow diner. “They were so happy together. It’s obvious they have that special chemistry,” says this eater.
“There were at least 70 other people having lunch but William seemed happy to show her affection in front of everyone. Throughout lunch Kate gazed at William and had a permanent smile fixed across her face.”
The Mail has a picture of William smiling among a group of pals. And on first glance it is hard to tell which is William. In this multi-racial Britain, it is interesting to note that William’s friends are almost exactly like him, including the girls.
A poll of Royal experts at Anorak Towers identifies no fewer than four Prince Williams at the table.
And we are left to wonder if it was William in a clinch with Kate at all. As the Mail’s front-page headline asks: “Who’s giving Kate a hug?”
Posted: 8th, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Is Liz Hurley’s Baby Challenge
THE race is on – can Liz Hurley have her baby before her wedding ceremony ends?
Special it would be to see Hurley give birth before the wedding party arrives at the cake sometime in early October.
The Mail has a picture of Hurley wearing a dress. Nothing new is this, say you, Hurley is a dress wearer of no small repute. But attention is directed to the Hurley stomach.
Note the bulge. Hurley, who once boasted at getting by on six raisins a day, appears to be expanding.
Is this water retention? Should Hurley not have soaked the raisins and eaten them instead in their most shrivelled state?
Or is Hurley with child.
In Jodhpur for another stage in her wedding to Leeds native Arun Nayar, Hurley wraps her body in a floral print dress.
The Mail says the “slight tum” on view might be the result of so much wedding breakfast, lunch, tea and dinner. But Hurley’s food intake is famously modest. So what is producing the bump? A money belt? A pair of Comfi-Knickers? A child?
Says Liz: “We would love to add to our family and (my son) Damien would love some siblings.”
And here comes Arun, who does indeed speak. Says he: “Of course we would love to have a baby. Elizabeth wants twin boys.” The Yorkshireman may well add an “eee be gum” for dramatic effect.
And we live in an age where babies can be delivered to order. If Hurley wants twin boys then twin boys she can have.
And if she wants a couple of identical raisins, she can have those too…
Victoria Beckham’s Public Diary
VICTORIA Beckham does not need a diary. Not when she has the Sun.
La Beckham, who is on dining terms with Sun editor Rebekah Wade, does not move without the Sun reporting on how far she has moved, where she has moved to and if the move necessitated a change of clothes.
And today we see that Vicky has been crying, or sobbing “uncontrollably”, as her diary puts it.
And what has Vicky been boo-hooing about? Can you guess?
Has Vicky been crying because:
A) She needs to shed some water and get back in shape?
B) She is taking acting lessons and has just sniffed on an “Emotion Onion”?
C) She misses her Day-vid?
D) She is bi-polar?
The answer is, of course, ‘C’. Vicky is so in love with David that when he is not there she cries.
“I can cope with everything else, but being away from David so much makes me break down,” says Vicky in her diary. “I just sit and cry and cry.”
There is no picture of Vicky crying, Sun readers forced to make do with a customary shot of La Beckham looking miserable.
“I can’t wait to wake up with him,” she goes on. “I miss him so much.”
We could say that all Vicky need do to see her man is fly to Madrid where thousands of people have spotted him wearing a white top and shorts and kicking a ball.
But, of course, life is not that easy. Vicky has a mansion to buy in Los Angeles. She is wise to attend to such things lest the house of her dreams falls into someone else’s hands.
Like David, allegedly…
Posted: 8th, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)
Liz Hurley’s On Fire
WHAT is it about Liz Hurley that is so utterly sexless?
It’s a problem recognised by the Sun which realises Hurley is a woman less than the sum of her parts. So it focuses on the parts – two of them.
“Lovely pair, Liz,” announces the Sun’s front page. And there, sure enough, is a picture of Lizzzz wearing a low-cut vest-style top.
But the Sun is not referring to Hurley’s cleavage but to her earrings, both of them.
Having married her pretty-ish lover in a registry office in Cheltenham, Hurley is off to India for a traditional Indian ceremony.
There Liz will show the locals that not all white British women are Jade Goody. Chances are high that Liz will neither burp, fart nor call her husband’s family the “Poppadoms” or “F*ckawallahs”. And certainly not in public.
And the locals love Liz. The Mirror hears the crowds cheer as Liz arrives in Mumbai. “Chai-chai,” Liz’s Indian fan club yells. “New lamps for old,” they cry. “We hate you Jade Goody,” scream others.
And then they are off to the “do after the do”. They will be blessed at a “Haldi”. The Mirror informs us that this ritual involves the happy couple being covered in turmeric, milk and cream. This, it says, will cleanse them – a change from Liz’s usual beauty regime of Estee Lauder products and cotton wool.
And with Liz looking good enough to put in a tandoor oven and bake, it’s off to Jodhpur for more fun and games, this time with Bollywood songs. Arun will ride a white horse. There will be more white horses. And elephants.
And the “sacred fire”, which Liz and Arun will walk around seven times.
It is not known whether Liz will change outfits on each lap, but given that her motif is fashion, we should not rule it out.
Naomi Campbell’s Mop Job
NAOMI Campbell is to be punished.
As the Mirror reports (“NAOMI THE SCRUBBER”), the London-born model is to sweep floors at a New York office. This all part of her community service order.
As is noted, Campbell admitted in a court of law to having thrown a phone at maid Ana Scolavino in a hissy fit. The cleaning is part of her punishment.
And, as we realise, this is in line with the punishment meted out to Boy George, another Britisher who fell foul of the laws in New York.
George was ordered to sweep the streets. And now Campbell has been given a cleaning job.
It’s clear to one and all that New Yorkers like to keep a clean house. Granted, they are not all that keen on cleaning the city themselves, but the city must, nonetheless, be kept clean.
And in typical fashion, it is the lot of the immigrants to perform such menial – yet vital – tasks.
For every one British émigré who makes it to become Queen of Hollywood, like Helen Mirren, there are countless more right now vacuuming red carpets and polishing statuettes and streets.
Naomi Campbell is just the latest in a long line.
But if you want to make it in the land of opportunity, you have to begin somewhere.
So Campbell is cleaning an office block. And she’s working her way from the ground up.
Posted: 8th, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)
Caller Beware – TV Quiz Show Scam
CAN we be sure that Richard Hammond is the rightful holder of the title Digital Satellite Personality of the Year?
As the Star reports, for the second year running Hammond has collected his gong for outstanding achievement in a digital satellite arena.
Losers Ben Shephard and Jeff Stelling may like to launch an appeal. The Television and Radio Industries Club is a venerable institution dating back to pre-colour 1931, but the voting system for its awards service is less than transparent.
Just like the Oscars, viewers are not told who voted for the winners only who the winners are.
This leads to suggestions of skulduggery, cronyism and fixing.
But how else could it be organised? Should the people decide? And should they make their preferences known by phone?
And know that phone votes are problematic things. As the Sun’s front page says (“RIP OFF”), phone voting is rife with problems.
“We expose top shows whose vote phonelines were a farce,” says the Sun. And readers see such TV programmes as X Factor, I’m A Celebrity, Ant & Dec’s Takeaway and Soapstar Supestar.
“It’s chaos, thousands of votes go missing,” says another headline. “ALL BIG SHOWS INVOLVED.”
The whistleblower, who works at ITV’s quiz show operator Eckoh, tells the paper that computers recording the calls often crash. And when they go down the votes are not counted but the caller is still charged.
Says the grass: “Calls still come in thick and fast and viewers are charged at premium rates. But a lot of votes aren’t registered. All the big shows are affected.”
And it is claimed this has being going on for years, as far back as when Kerry Katona ‘won’ I’m A Celebrity in 2004.
ITV has been left with little option but to suspend its phoneline and interactive services.
And this is not all. Another grass, this time a former employee at Richard & Judy, tells us that her managers tried to rig the National Television Awards.
We learn that Cactus, which produces the teatime show, told its staff to spend half a day clicking on an online ballot.
“As far as we were aware no limit was placed on the number of votes that could be cast,” says a company spokesman. But there was a limit. And the caper was foiled.
But damage has been done. Careers have been influenced. How can we be certain that the aforesaid Katona really was our jungle queen? Is Coronation Street’s Antony Cotton the best soap actor/singer or was Neighbours’ Alan Fletcher robbed? Will Dancing On Ice, the pro-celebrity ice-dance show yet to conclude, be frozen in time?
Tell us what you think. Call 0845 ANORAK. Calls cost £49-a-second o.n.o…
Meet Fatalie
THE campaign to name and shame every fat child in the UK unearths Natalie Cox.
Natalie – known to millions of Mail readers and school wags as Fatalie – is 15 years of age. The Mail says she is also known as ‘Fat Nat’.
And Natalie, perhaps on a promise of being allowed to keep and tuck into the pile of food put out before her, poses beside a mountain of nosh.
Natalie is “The 25st teenager”. And this diet of cake, fizzy drinks, crisps and biscuits adds up to an impressive 7500 calories a day. This is, as the paper notes, more than five times the daily recommended intake.
“I weighed about eight stone when I was eight years old,” says Natalie. “I started putting on an extra stone every year until I was 11 and learnt to cook for myself.”
Mum Cheryl (16st) spends £150 a week on feeding Natalie.
Mum says if she stops buying “junk food” Natalie will just find another way of getting her hands on it.
Indeed, there are many ways for a portly teen to earn money, and the Mail and Sun would surely offer lots of cash for a story and a picture of a fat child…
Posted: 6th, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)
Liz Hurley’s Trollope
BUT what of Liz Hurley’s wedding? What is it like?
The Mail knows. It has an “insider” at the do.
The paper hears from Rosemary Trollope, mother to Aga Saga writer Joanna Trollope. Rosemary will tell all.
Rosemary is sat in the front pew for the post-registry office church blessing.
Mother-of-one Liz is wearing a white Versace dress as she draws upon her not inconsiderable know-how to walk unaided down the aisle at Sudeley Castle chapel.
The train seems to be made of white feathers. The temptation to goose the bride would have been high. But instead Rosemary just gives the dress a quick fondle and discovers the feathers to be made of rows of chiffon frills.
Then Patsy Kensit steps forward to read a lesson. The former Mrs Liam Gallagher wears a black chiffon ball-gown. “I though she was a very brave girl,” says Rosemary not altogether unkindly.
Kensit, an actress by trade, is to read a lesson from John Chapter 15, Versus 1-18 (“Verily, thou shall sell the photos to Hello!. Thou shall string out the wedding for a 26-page feature. Thou shall wear many dresses. For it is so.”)
All told, Rosemary is glad Kensit is there, what with her being the only famous person she recognises, other than Elton John.
So Rosemary is impelled to talk to “strangers”, or not-yet-good-pals, as we prefer to call them.
She spots a thin woman, “a mere slice of a girl”, wearing an outfit made up of a few silver sequins. There are evening dresses. There are ball gowns. There are silk cocktail suits.
And there is Elizabeth’s mother, Angela Hurley. She’s come in a “pale green, sparkly dress with trailing chiffon skirt”. Looking not unlike a string of asparagus bejewelled with morning dew, the elder Hurley is a woman to be relied up. And then the dress “somehow” gets caught under Rosemary’s feet.
Rosemary’s own choice of outfit is not revealed, but we imagine it to be a pale green, sparkly dress with trailing chiffon skirt. Or failing that, tweed and pearls in no end of combinations.
And so to the marquee. No mere tent this, as white tables circle a dance floor. The canopy is sprinkled with gold stars. Piles of cream-coloured roses are plentiful.
“All preconceptions of a showbizzy element could be dismissed,” says Rosemary. Well, only Patsy Kensit, Elton John and Joanna Trollope’s mum are there…
Liz Hurley’s On Fire
WHAT is it about Liz Hurley that is so utterly sexless?
It’s a problem recognised by the Sun which realises Hurley is a woman less than the sum of her parts. So it focuses on the parts – two of them.
“Lovely pair, Liz,” announces the Sun’s front page. And there, sure enough, is a picture of Lizzzz wearing a low-cut vest-style top.
But the Sun is not referring to Hurley’s cleavage but to her earrings, both of them.
Having married her pretty-ish lover in a registry office in Cheltenham, Hurley is off to India for a traditional Indian ceremony.
There Liz will show the locals that not all white British women are Jade Goody. Chances are high that Liz will neither burp, fart nor call her husband’s family the “Poppadoms” or “F*ckawallahs”. And certainly not in public.
And the locals love Liz. The Mirror hears the crowds cheer as Liz arrives in Mumbai. “Chai-chai,” Liz’s Indian fan club yells. “New lamps for old,” they cry. “We hate you Jade Goody,” scream others.
And then they are off to the “do after the do”. They will be blessed at a “Haldi”. The Mirror informs us that this ritual involves the happy couple being covered in turmeric, milk and cream. This, it says, will cleanse them – a change from Liz’s usual beauty regime of Estee Lauder products and cotton wool.
And with Liz looking good enough to put in a tandoor oven and bake, it’s off to Jodhpur for more fun and games, this time with Bollywood songs. Arun will ride a white horse. There will be more white horses. And elephants.
And the “sacred fire”, which Liz and Arun will walk around seven times.
It is not known whether Liz will change outfits on each lap, but given that her motif is fashion, we should not rule it out.
Red Alert As Prince Harry Is Kidnapped
“AL-QAEDA TARGET HARRY.”
So says the Sun on its front page.
As scoops go this one’s right up there with “Jordan Sleeps On Back” and “Bin Laden Finds Soup In Beard”.
A combination of red hair and royal lineage was always going to make Prince Harry stand out from the crowd in Iraq.
Harry is in danger. There have been messages posted on websites. “Prince Harry will be sent to Iraq to be killed by Muslims,” says one. “May Allah give him what he deserves – like his fellow crusaders,” says another. “Harry’s coming – buy booze and fags while stocks last,” warns a third.
But Harry will not be denied his chance to represent granny and country.
In readiness for this mission, Harry’s been undergoing some intensive training.
As the Star reports, it was only recently Harry replaced the Queen’s answer phone message at Buckingham Palace with: “Hey, Wassup! Press three for the Corgis.”
Having lived to tell the tale, Harry’s next daring mission, is to wear a hood. Once the hood is on, Hoodie Harry will not be deployed in a provincial shopping mall to look surly, smoke spliffs and menace shopkeepers. Harry will be kidnapped.
As the Sun says, Harry will be removed to a hut in the Thetford Forest area of Norfolk. Harry’s men will then try to rescue him in a “rapid reaction” manoeuvre. They will use grenades and tear gas.
In case any insurgents are looking in, the Sun produces a pictorial guide to kidnapping Harry.
Picture 1. Harry is in a tank-like vehicle. His head is poking out the top like a hairy Belisha Beacon.
Picture 2. Three men dressed in black clothes and complementary balaclavas mount the vehicle and pull Harry out like a cork from a bottle of red wine.
Picture 3: The rescuers lob tear gas canisters and grenades through the window of the building where Harry is being held prisoner.
Insurgents might care to note that the rescue might not go to plan if: a) the make-shift prison has no windows; b) Harry is taken to somewhere more secure than a hut; c) Harry tricks his captors into a drinking game.
Such are the dangers…
Idol Rich – Simon Cowell On Britney Spears & Robbie Williams
SIMON Cowell, American Idol’s resident English baddie – a shorter Alan Rickman in high-waisted trousers – is talking over matters Robbie Williams and Britney Spears.
“It’s very fashionable to be in rehab,” says Cowell in the Mirror. “This whole thing is a total indulgence.”
So Cowell, worth a reported £90million, is thinking of joining the rehab cult? No. “Britney and Robbie need to get a grip,” he adds.
Cowell says Spears should go back to live with her mum for six months. He prescribes a short, sharp shock.
“I went to a deprived part of the world recently and I saw a set of conditions that people live in that are beyond belief,” says Cowell, pictured seated by the swimming pool at his eight-bedroom Beverly Hills office.
Cowell declines to name the location but it is known that he spends some of his time in the UK, and we understand what he means.
He says the trip opened his eyes. “I would make it compulsory that they have to go and live in a developing country for a couple of weeks,” says he. “I’ll tell you what rehab is.” says Cowell. “Go to where I just went, where people really are suffering and then you’ll see how good life is.”
Cowell should note that Britney has toured in Rio de Janeiro and Williams, a native of Stoke-on-Trent, has travelled widely from Scotland to some of the more remote German stadia and Denmark.
Cowell speaks his mind. But, of course, there is nothing new in bashing Williams. It was Liam Gallagher who told us: “What’s his f***in’ problem, man? “We all know what it is – he’s a f***in’ drama f***in’ queen. If you’ve got a f***in’ problem, why do you want the whole world knowing about it? He has to be on the front f***in’ pages, doesn’t he? Just sort your f***in’ self out. You make a f***in’ crap album then want everyone to feel f***in’ sorry for you. “F***in’ tosser!”
Cowell agrees. “I’ve heard Rudebox and it’s terrible,” he says of Williams’ most recent album. “If it was by anyone else it wouldn’t have been released.”
But while the fading pop idols bounce off the padded walls and tell of the pain and the turmoil to people paid to listen, Cowell introduces us to the future. It’s Leona Lewis, the winner on Cowell’s X Factor TV show. It’s Ray Quinn, who finished as the show’s runner up.
And we begin to feel a little empathy for Williams and Spears. We begin to feel their depression…
Posted: 5th, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Exit: Pursued By Pig – David Beckham & Victoria Beckham Come Back
DAVID Beckham hugs the Sun.
On the front page, Becks tells us: “Being left out by England was gut-wrenching. I want to thank Sun readers for backing me.”
Indeed, while readers of other papers were calling for Beckham to be replaced by a player who can actually run with the ball and whose wife doesn’t turn the World Cup into a private audience and sideshow, Sun readers knew that life without Beckham would be cheerless and even more devoid of trophies.
So here’s Becks to say thanks. Here’s Beckham on the Sun’s backpage to say: “If people think my England career is over I want to show them it isn’t.”
It’s an aim shared by members of the England team Beckham left behind. Stripped of their captain, England lack not only a focus hairstyle and a brand totem but also tactics, aggression, ball control and ability.
“I’ll still be available for England when I’m playing in America,” says Beckham. “I will never retire from England.”
“Football is all about opinions,” says Beckham. Only it isn’t, not really. As the LA Galaxy are about to discover, football is about hype and getting the ball into the opponent’s net.
But Beckham is rarely about football – Beckham is about style and taking his brand to new markets.
So he’s off to Los Angeles. And, no, it was not his wife Victoria’s decision. “Going to Los Angeles is absolutely my decision,” says Beckham.
“People have said we’re going because we’re attracted by the Hollywood glitz. But I’m not sure that, as a family, we actually enjoy that side of it.”
You begin to wonder how well Beckham knows his wife. David is the real star, but before his arrival Victoria has turned even buying a house into a media event.
And when it comes to choosing a school for her children… See Vicky tottering up to the science lab at one prestigious LA school, a TV crew and snappers in tow. There’s a pot bellied pig wandering free. “Get it AWAY!” screams Posh, dressed in skin-tight designer clothes and towering heels. Posh runs as quickly as her outfit allows. Posh: Exit, pursued by pig.
Says David: “The perception is that we love the red carpets and parties and being in the limelight – but the reality is we don’t.”
And while Posh woos showbiz pals and negotiates the rights to a fly-on-the-wall TV show about her and her footballer’s move to LA, David talks about being an “ambassador” for the Major Soccer League and “taking football to a different level in the States”.
Indeed, Beckham will take football (or soccer as he has taken to calling it) out of the shadows and into the light.
Post Beckham, America might not understand the game any better, but the locals will appreciate what Dave’s done with his hair and, if they follow Posh’s lead, how to clap at the good bits and pout at the bad…
Posted: 4th, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
An Office Romance – Liz Hurley Marriezzzz
LIZ Hurley’s wedding to a simpering Arun Nayer promisezzz…
It truly is hard work turning this sexless romance into something more.
There is nothing to tell. There is nothing to see. Indeed, the Sun tells us that Lizzzz married her Indian beau in a registry office last Friday.
Can there be anything more mundane and less starry than a registry office, that municipal council hall where marriage comes between birth and death?
And this was not Chelsea registry office, Marylebone registry office but Cheltenham register office.
Cheltenham, a place so routine and predictable it is twinned with Cheltenham in the USA. Cheltenham, a place where a visit to the council’s website and a click on the headline “CIVIC PRICE” tosses up the page: “Sorry, but the page you were looking for can’t be found (error 404).”
A look a the registry office’s official website tells us: “The Marriage Room, Reception, and waiting area are housed on the first floor of a County Council building and a lift is available allowing good access for the disabled and elderly. The Marriage Room, which can seat 35 people including the Bride and Groom, has the benefit of a comfort cooling system.”
Ah, for a comfortable cooling system, a thing not to be underrated in early March. But Lizzzz and Arun have married in cool surrounds.
Other than that, facts are thinner than, well, Lizzzz.
A spokeswoman for the Council tells us: “Liz Hurley was married yesterday afternoon, that is all I am allowed to give out.” But what more is there?
Of course, the party is tonight. This is a do held “in the grounds” of Sudeley Castle, the historic property owned by Liz’s close pal, the toothsome Henry Dent-Brocklehurst.
Everyone who is anyone will be there – Sir Elton John, fashion designer Donatella Versace and soap actress Patsy Kensit are believed to be on the invite list.
Liz Hurley’s wedding party promisezzz…
Off Her Doodle – Britney Spears No PUSH Over
BRITNEY Spears has scribbled on the back of her hand.
No, scratch that.
Britney Spears has a hand with scribble on the back of it. This is more accurate. We cannot be certain that Britney’s scribbled on her hand only that there is scribble on it.
There is so much drama in Britney’s life that it is easy to overlook the little things and stray from the facts, such as they are.
The Mirror looks at these “bizarre doodles”. “What is going on with Britney?” it asks. The paper’s hand graphology expert sees the word “PUSH”, an acronym for “Pray Until Something Happens”.
A ring is drawn about her index finger.
“BRIT’S IN A WRITE MESS,” says the Star on its front page. In “Cranky Doodle Britney”, the paper sees Britney leave rehab and head to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. And it looks at those “mad scribblings”.
The paper studies the hand. And it realises that some of the markings are reminiscent of the “cosmic order” daubs that have appeared on the hand of one other star. In a life of shocks, we ask: Is Britney turning into Noel Edmonds?
The paper solicits the expert eye of Dr Lesley Perman-Kerr. She sees no beard on Britney’s aura. But she does tell us: “Britney may be trying to get something across to people that she is unable to say out loud.”
Can it be that Britney has taken to communicating by signs? If so, she should note that the trick failed to work for her fellow singer Prince.
Note the word “PUSH”. The Star’s expert says this could be a sign that Britney has had enough of being pushed around. “It could also be a way of coping with post-natal depression,” says the doctor, field unspecified.
This is something that is sure to run and run and run – like the ink on Britney’s hand…
The NME within – Robbie Williams Hears Voices
ROBBIE Williams is smiling.
Williams’ is not a vapid cow-eyed smile. Williams is smiling because, as the Sun reports, he has been receiving messages of support from Sun readers.
Having won a general election, fought wars and found a way for Nikkki to tell her lover Brad that she’s having a gay romance with a lap dancer called Dannii (thanks to the Sun’s Dear Deirdre agony aunt), the Sun turns its powers to the therapy game.
With your messages of support, the Sun can make Robbie Williams whole again.
“You’re determined to see it though,” says Jackie from Bournemouth. “You’re a star. Shine soon, Love Mariska and Eric, Holland.” And, given Williams’ fragile state of mind, there’s the rather eerie: “You aren’t alone. Deena S Africa.”
And Williams is responding well to the Sun’s treatment. The singer’s older sister Sally tells us: “Robbie is doing OK. He told mum he was concerned how it would be portrayed in the media. He was relieved it was all positive.”
Indeed. And here comes the Mirror to salute Williams for getting a Worst Album award at the NME music awards.
And here’s Robbie’s peer, Oasis’s lead banjo player Noel Gallagher, to tell us: “I could talk to you for three hours about how bad he is.” Only three? We fear that Gallagher is not cut out for the therapy business.
And the Mirror tells us that the crowd at the ceremony booed when Williams’ award was read out.
Whether the booing stemmed from the decision to give a man seeking medical help an award for being useless, Gallagher’s mealy-mouthed speech or William’s Rudebox album is not made clear.
But Williams should rest easy knowing that he is being talked about. Listen very carefully and you can even hear the voices.
The voices. The voices…
Tuck Box – Tormenting Fat Children
ANOTHER day and another fat kid is rolled out.
The Sun’s campaign to name and shame all fat children in the land is moving on as quickly as these roly-polys are able to move.
And, having caught his breath, today’s fatty is ready to speak. What’s your name and why are you fat?
The name is Daryl Box. And he is “tormented”. Little does Daryl realise that his torment has only just begun and now everyone knows he is 12 years old and weighs 20stone he will not be able to move for people shouting out his name.
And news is that Daryl “Chocolate” Box has been expelled from two schools for hitting out at other children who cruelly taunt him.
“Whale,” they cry. “Fat bastard,” they shout.
Says mum Julie: “He would think nothing of stuffing down a loaf of bread for breakfast.”
Bread Box!
“At school lunch he would always go back for seconds and thirds.”
Lunch box!
“He would then go to a kebab shop that did five chicken portions and chips for £1 – washed down with as much Coke as he could get his hands on.”
Tuck Box!
Says Daryl: “I would eat anything really. At school I would always have as much pizza, chips and beans as I could get.”
Pizza Box!
It’s is all too easy to ridicule Daryl. And we begin to wonder if this is part of the Sun’s game. It’s a more brutal form of therapy.
The aim to totally humiliate the child until he stops comfort eating, and, well, maybe stops eating at all.
And Daryl is off his Box…
Lizzie Come Home – Liz Taylor Comes Out
LIZ Taylor is alive.
Who among us does not see the image of the Hollywood icon on the Express’s front page and think that Taylor has exited stage left?
There she is once more on the Mail’s cover.
But as we fear the worst – and look forward to a Channel 4 season of her films (Who’s Afraid Of Virginia Woolf, Butterfield 8, The Flintstones) and husbands various telling us about the REAL Liz they knew in biopics and biographies – the Mail says: “HOW LIZ CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD.”
The picture is of Liz enjoying her 75th birthday party. “Liz Taylor sparkles at 75,” says the Express.
“Just like Cleopatra, it seems that age really cannot wither Elizabeth Taylor,” says the paper.
And looking at the pictures of Liz down the ages we wonder if the Express’s writer is not suffering from the same eye condition that affected they who once gazed upon the Queen Mother.
The Mail says Taylor has regained some of her “youthful embonpoint”. Taylor is not without stature. (Readers learn that she spends her days watching daytime telly and “devouring packets of organic biscuits”.) She has cats.
Liz looks 75. And her shock of jet black hair, ruby red lips and shimmering white teeth add a ghostly texture to the overall Taylor theme.
But Liz Taylor is alive. And the Mail wants to tell us how she managed it.
She has a friend called Dr Arnold Klein. Dr Klein is “Hollywood’s most expensive anti-ageing dermatologist”. That’s him, the old man with the schoolgirl complexion standing to Liz’s rear.
The Mail says Dr Klein is “legendary for his collagen injections”.
And 18 months ago Taylor bought a new £1,000 Maltese puppy. She called the dog Daisy. And then, according to sources, she stopped taking pills that were making her drowsy.
And, as the Mail says, Taylor began to relish the thought of her underlings and extended family fighting over her £40million fortune.
Not that she’s leaving her estate to anyone just yet. Liz is not dying. She’s just resting between jobs…
LA Posh – Victoria Beckham Gets David’s Hair
VICTORIA Beckham is blonde.
Vicky now looks like what you’d get if you bred Duran Duran keyboardist Nick Rhodes, Ralph Maccio and a pot of lemon curd.
It’s “GOLDEN CURLS,” says the Sun’s front page, words hanging above a shot of Vicky’s dead-straight, short hair-do.
La Beckham is on good term with the Sun and is said to have called the paper to tell everyone there about her new hairstyle. And they have been good enough to relay the news to the world.
“I love my new hair colour,” says Posh. “I’ve certainly got a spring in my step. And I’m keen to see if blondes really do have more fun.”
Let’s hope so. Too often have we looked at Posh and seen a brunette woman with a pained brunette expression, a woman whose mood seems as dark as her hair. Now blonde, can we expect Posh to have blonde moments?
“I thought it was very suitable for when we move to LA as well,” says she. “It’s a bit of a sunkissed Californian look, I hope.”
This is Her Poshness in California Girl mode. When in Rome and all that.
And if Posh can just lose some weight and cut down on those carbs, she should be indistinguishable from the locals.
Indeed, we learn via the Mail that Vicky’s hair is the work of Chris MacMillan, the man who gave Jennifer Aniston’s hair personality, character and acting ability.
And we realises that Vicky’s hair took a whole day to do. “I kept sending David pictures to check he approves,” says Vicky.
And he should. As the Sun points out, the hairstyle is not dissimilar to one sported by David in 1999.
You don’t suppose, it’s the same hair, do you? Is Vicky turning into Day-vid..?
Posted: 1st, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Robbie Williams’ Finger Of Hate
ROBBIE Williams is a winner.
It is our proud duty to announce that Williams is to receive an award for his Rudebox album.
A little hand clap for some funk faces and make your body move in the following places
His one-fingered gong from music magazine NME is winging its way to the Meadows Clinic, Arizona, where the singer is playing to a small crowd formed into a circle.
You just almost feel the shudder of excitement as an orderly informs a tired, emotional and depressed Williams how awful his music is. The temptation for Williams to do something interesting with his one-finger-salute statuette will be strong.
The Mirror prints a card to salute Robbie’s triumph: “Dear Robbie, Please take as long as you like to recover, you need a good rest – Love – Every music lover on the planet.”
You see, Robbie’s award is for the worst album of 2006. And his work was in a league of its own.
Ok then check the tan line, make your body shape like you’re stood on a landmine
Williams has seen off stiff competition from Lily Allen, The Feeling, My Chemical Romance and Razorlight.
Says NMW editor Connor McNicholas: “Readers have been clamouring to elect Robbie’s Rudebox as the Worst Album. He’s not having a good time of it.”
But Williams should not be too downbeat. My Chemical Romance’s album, The Black Parade, is up for Best Album and Worst Album.
Either British pop music fans operate in very narrow alley or taste is a vague and mobile quality.
And there are always new markets to explore.
As Robbie tells us:
Viva life on Mars I’m calling
Sending my frequency to the galaxy so you can see people down here
Please buy my records…
Posted: 1st, March 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
I Had A Dream – Justin Hawkins’ Eurovision
I have a dream, a song to sing
To help me cope with anything
JUSTIN Hawkins, former Darkness front man, had a dream.
In “Why I had to sing up for Eurovision”, Justin tells Sun readers why he joined the “battle” to win the right to sing the UK’s entry at this year’s Song Contest.
It is surely everyone’s ambition to represent their country. But opportunities for popular singers are slim. They can join a choir and bob up and down at The Proms, belt out the national anthem at a sporting event or enter Eurovision.
“Eurovision is something I’ve always wanted to do,” says Hawkins. “I had a dream that I should do it. I woke up with a really positive feeling about it. I think I got to the vote and then I woke up.”
If you see the wonder of a fairy tale
You can take the future even if you fail
The only way for Justin to see the result is to enter the show proper in Helsinki and experience the thrill of hearing two of Finnish TV’s better known presenters saying “Justin Hawkins Great Britain null points”. And then hearing it again in French – “Justin ‘Awkins le Royaume-Uni null points.”
But before he even gets that far Justin will have to stave off the competition. And it is fierce.
The Star profiles the has-beens, never-weres and wannabes who seek to drape their voices in the flag.
Step forward Cyndi Almouzni, boy-girl beat combo Scooch, former Atomic Kitten singer and Frances De La Tour look-alike Liz McClarnon, illiterate hip-hop band Big Brovaz and – a role on the spliffs if you please – former East 17 lead baseball cap Brian Harvey.
With so many recognisable faces, the BBC talent show Making Your Mind Up has transformed into Celebrity X Factor.
I have a dream, a fantasy
To help me through reality
Best of British, one and all…
Out Of Bounds – Victoria Beckham Meets Tom Hanks & Ford
“POSH & BECKS ‘LIVING APART’,” announces the Star’s front page.
The Beckhams, described as “stressed-out”, are said to have spent “just 25 days” together under the same roof since New Year’s Day.
To the Star this is a shocker. But by our calculations this is as good as one day in two, not bad for a professional footballer and a fame-hungry wife.
And, as we know, Vicky is in Los Angeles making the place ready for her family.
And the Mirror hears just what she’s been getting up to in what it’s calling her first US interview.
Says Vicky: “I was at a party the other day when Tom Hanks came bonding over.” No way! Tom Hanks bounds? Who would’ve thought it? Go on…
“He said: ‘I’m so thrilled you and David are coming over. I’m going to get a season ticket to watch LA Galaxy now.”
That’s great news. Just another 100,000 tickets to sell and Vicky will have more than justified Dave’s £1million a week wages.
Says Vicky: “All the time he was talking I was just thinking, ‘It’s Forrest Gump! And he knows who I am.’”
Steady on, Posh. Hanks might bound and look a little mentally negligible in The Da Vinci Code, but he’s not some inbred Southern hick. Hanks is an Oscar winner and, though new to LA, Posh would do well to remember to treat the local elite with respect and deference.
Posh, who has played dominoes with Penelope Cruz, says she and David don’t go out that much.
“It’s fun now and then to go out for dinner, but am I going to start going to clubs with Britney Spears every night? Probably not.” Indeed, it might be best not to be seen with Britney for a while.
And even when Posh is out she dreams of being in. Vicky says the first thing she does when she boards a plane is put on her pyjamas. “But the other day I was on a flight sitting next to Tom Ford. I told him that I was going to take all my glam gear off and he said, ‘You shouldn’t.’ I thought he was joking and was getting ready to change when he said. ‘No, you really shouldn’t.’”
The cad! At least Vicky told the designer off, right? “I was so intimidated I had to sit on this 11-hour flight in tight, uncomfortable clothes.”
Which she has yet to take off…
Posted: 28th, February 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)
India’s Crush On Jade Goody
JADE Goody is in India.
And this is what the locals are saying: “My baby is hurt..who is this awful person? She’s not welcome.”
Jade is proving to be every bit as big a hit in India as she is in the UK. And here comes Jade, her entourage, many reporters and cameras along the gutters of a Delhi slum.
Jade is to be photographed with penniless children, says the Sun. She’s to spend 45 minutes inside the confines of the Railway Project, a scheme to help orphans forced to eke out a life by the train tracks.
“Welcome Zad Goody,” proclaims the poster inside a small hut. Children are not allowed within. And there are no provisions made for those without.
The Sun sees a crush form in the streets. And Anu, a 26-year-old mother, is knocked to the ground with her three-month-old baby. “She is not welcome here if she is going to behave like this,” says she of Jade.
“SLUM KIDS HURT IN JADE STUNT CRUSH,” says the Sun. This is Jade’s apology to the millions she offended.
It’s a private visit. A private matter. And as Jade tells the press conference, she has arranged in her five-star hotel, she plans to given the £25,000 fee for appearing on Big Brother to an Indian charity. Privately.
“I don’t want the money,” the Mirror hears Jade say. “It’s dirty money because it caused a lot of pain to a lot of people.”
The money is dirty but it’s good enough for the Indians. Is this what Jade means?
But she is too busy to stop and explain. Indeed, as the Star hears Jade say: “I’m too busy with my charity work to meet up with Shilpa.”
But we can lean about Jade’s four-day Indian odyssey in the book she’s writing and the film that’s being made.
And we can work out how Jade – the big Big Brother star – only scored £25,000 for appearing on the show when former SS Club 7 singer Jo O’Meara got £50,000 (Star) and Shilpa Shetty £300,000?
And if you get what you pay for…
