Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Mac Attack – Prince Charles Chews The Fat
HELEN Mirren, Queen of Hollywood, eats a burger and now Prince Charles is heard to say that McDonald’s should be banned.
“BURGER OFF!” commands the Mirror’s front page. “Storm as Charles calls for McDonald’s ban.”
In conversation with nutritionist Nadine Tayara in Abu Dhabi, Charles was heard to utter: “Have you got anywhere with McDonald’s, have you tried getting it banned? That’s the key.”
McDonald’s hears the words and counters that Prince Charles’s words are “disappointing”.
Others make mention of the fact that some of the Prince’s range of ready meals contain more fat than a Big Mac (24g of fat) – his cheese and onion pasty, for instance, is 36.5g of fat.
The Mail compares 100 grams of two meals and notes that Charles’s plastic-wrapped Cornish Pasty is laced with 5.5g of saturated fats, while the Big Mac holds a less obese 4.17g. The pasty has 1.25g of salt against the Big Mac’s 0.93g.
The battle between “BIG EARS V BIG MAC” (Mirror) threatens to make the prince look a hypocrite and a figurehead every bit as challenged as Ronald McDonald.
But a Clarence House spokesman tries to clean up the argument: “The Prince of Wales believes very strongly in the importance of a balanced diet for everyone, especially children.” The Prince sees the need for children to “enjoy the widest possible variety of food and not eat any particular food to excess”.
Children should try to mix their fatty Duchy Original pasties with the Prince’s Dark Chocolate Orange Biscuits, Blackcurrant Preserve and Chicken Liver Pâté with Lemon & Lemoncello.
Better yet if children can explore the world on gap years and skiing holidays and experience South African braais, Peruvian grilled guinea pigs and wild Scottish salmon prepared by a private chef and delivered to table by a platoon of uniformed butlers.
By now the spokesman for McDonald’s is ready to speak some more. And he tells the Mail how members of the Royal Family have visited McDonald’s – recently Prince Harry was seen buying a burger and some chicken nuggets after a polo match.
Readers also learn that the fast food giant sells salads, semi-skimmed organic milk, fruit and carrot sticks.
As dietician Catherine Collins tells the Mirror: “It’s common for people to pick on multi-nationals but you are what you eat – what you put in your mouth is up to you.”
And so it is – get a load of Charles’s foot…
Wanted: Fat Children
AS Prince Charles talks gut rot, the Sun looks at the fat kid.
Look at her. Isn’t she big! Isn’t she fat! Waddling around with a waggle and a quack.
Samantha Hames is front-page news. She’s nine years old. She’s a “massive” 14 stone. She is a size 18.
Good news, you may suppose. The nation’s children are blossoming with success. Food is plentiful. Clothes are too. Life is easy.
No need to worry about young girls being brainwashed into anorexia and dieting by images of skinny women. The Sun says Samantha weighs the equivalent of two Victoria Beckhams. This is surely progress. This is surely good.
But Samantha is not being paraded as a sign of the UK’s wealth and good sense. She is the epitome of child obesity. Indeed, if you know of a “worse case of child obesity” you can call the Sun’s newsdesk on the advertised number. “Don’t worry about the cost, we’ll call you straight back.”
So while neighbours and classmates picks up the phone and tell the paper of this fat kid who would look good on the Sun’s cover page – a page that can be pinned to lockers, backs and lampposts – we read on.
We work our way through Samantha’s daily menu. Eating begins at 7am with a mix of Coco Pops, Frosties and full-fat milk.
Samantha eats up all her school dinner at noon. On the way home from school at 3:30 she eats a family-sized bar of Galaxy chocolate (500g). This is chased with a bag of sweets.
Half an hour later and Samantha is munching on a Pot Noodle and two rounds of sandwiches. At 5:30 it’s supper (Indian takeaway/roast beef/pasta and pudding).
Another Pot Noodle and more sandwiches at 7pm. And at 11:30pm, Samantha’s tops herself up with twelve yoghurts. All is washed along its way by seven glasses of orange squash.
While people in many parts of the world look on with envy at the UK, a land flowing if not with milk and honey then custard and ice cream, Angela finds time to speak between mouthfuls.
“I’m just not interested in spending my money on DVDs, toys or pretty clothes like other little girls [Angela gets £10 a week pocket money]. From the moment I get up to the moment I go to bed I think about Galaxy bars.
“I know I’m addicted to it but it’s so creamy and yummy that I can’t stop eating it.”
While Angles might not be fittest child and experts warn of heart, lung and joint problems, it’s hard not to like Samantha.
She is the girl living life as she wants. She’s not hiding but happy to appear on the Sun’s cover page. Others will mock but Samantha doesn’t seem to mind. She eats what she likes. She doesn’t worry.
She enjoys.
Posted: 28th, February 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
James Cameron’s Jesus Goes Down Like Mel Gibson On The Titanic
“IS THIS JESUS’ COFFIN?”
From just looking at the slap of limestone found in Jerusalem it’s hard to tell. And we, like the Sun, are unsure how to answer.
But one man knows. James Cameron, film director, the man behind Titanic, The Terminator and Piranha Part Two: The Spawning, says this is Jesus’ coffin.
And, as with so much of Cameron’s work, when you find one hit you get a few sequels. So along with Jesus’ coffin, Cameron introduces the world to the coffins of Marianne (thought to be the real name of Mary Magdalene) and Judah “son of Jesus”.
Cameron calls this “one of the greatest archaeological finds of all time”.
Cameron says this is all compelling evidence that Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene and had a child called Judah.
Says he: “I never doubted that there was a historical Jesus, but the simple fact is there has never been a shred of archaeological evidence until now.”
So here’s Jesus, Mary and Judah. And here’s Amos Kloner, an archaeologist, to tell the Mirror that it’s all “nonsense”. “The names on the caskets are the most common names found among Jews at the time.”
Yes, you heard that right – there was more than one Jesus. And while Cameron ponders an entire series of Jesus flicks and made-for TV movies, he has another film ready to promote. And, as luck has it, this is a film about his amazing discovery. It’s called The Lost Tomb Of Christ and it’s coming to a TV set near you around Easter time.
And Cameron is sure he has found the real deal. The Sun says he is 600-1 sure. Cameron is very rich, and many will like to take him up on those odds.
People like Stephen Pfann, a Biblical scholar, who tells the Star: “How possible is it? On a scale of one to 10 – 10 being completely possible – it’s probably one.”
We say take the bet. If enough of us can club together we can really make some money. The only tricky part will be refusing Cameron’s claim beyond doubt.
The wait for Mel Gibson’s film of a Jewish Jesus impostor promises to be a long one…
Posted: 28th, February 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Badges Baiting – Girl Guides Want It All
I PROMISE that I will do my best:
To love my God,
To serve the Queen and my country,
To help other people
and
To keep the Guide Law.
But the Girl Guides are changing. As the Mail reports in “From cooking to career girl, today’s go-getting Guide”.
The modern Girl Guide, as pictured, wears a baseball cap and a T-shirt. The woggle and tie remain intact, but on her feet are trainers and on her legs jean in a light shade of blue.
Knee-length blue socks and tunics are out. The Girl Guides movement supports freedom of movement, and in a fashion that will not overly excite sex Boy Scouts and sex offenders.
And the tasks have altered, too. Whereas in the 1950s Girl Guides could earn badges for repairing saucepans, lighting a fire and mending broken china, they can now gather more modern tokens of achievement.
Badges remain de rigeur, but they now advertise the wearer’s ability to design the wrapper for a new bar of chocolate and giving a dissertation on a film genre.
“Girl Guides lead fight for equality,” says the Express. And there’s another blue goody tucking at the peak of her cap and ready to eat chocolate for Queen, country and the good of womanhood.
And they are speaking with a clear voice. Over 3,200 current and former guides were polled. Three–quarters believe young women are “stigmatised for behaviour that would not bring criticism on young men”. Half expressed concern that their adult careers would suffer is they had children.
Dame Kelly Holmes is the woman they admire most. The ambition of one in five of the younger girls is to become prime minister.
To us, what this means is unclear. But to Jenny Watson, chairwoman of the Equal Opportunities Commission (and she could be Chairman if she wanted to), it is a tragic shame.
Says she: “Sadly the survey proves that 30 years after the Sex Discrimination Act women have not achieved equality. We must tackle the issues before another promising generation has its hopes for the future dashed.”
Things must change. And while we await equality, men are forced to go our to work and die early while women are trapped in a vicious cycle of babies, shopping, love and filling in surveys…
The Queen II – Helen Mirren Does Camilla
DAME Helen Mirren, Queen of Hollywood, is eating.
Few of us have ever seen the real Queen put anything in her mouth, it being her right to dine exclusively before tables of invited guests and in her garden.
Unsurprising, then, that Mirren shovelling a burger into her maw should occupy the Mirror’s front page. This is the “BURGER QUEEN”. It’s “Dame Helen’s Oscar munchies”.
Over in the Star it’s the “QUEEN AT TUCK HOUSE”, with the paper identifying the Mirren murder burger as a cheese burger. It is washed down with a glass of champagne.
So the Queen eats. And if you want to see her whip her top off for Miss July, smoke a fag and have an affair, then you can check out Queen Mirren’s other works.
And very soon you may see the Queen dressed in a pair of tight jodhpurs, brandishing a whip and commanding an audience with Ye Olde Royale Tampon, aka Charles Windsor. As the Sun’s headline announces: “Mirren: I want to play Camilla.”
Queen Mirren does not want to play Camilla at crown green bowls or even at croquet, nor does she want to play Camilla like a mandolin. Helen wants to play Camilla on film. Mirren wants to do for Camilla what she has done for the Queen.
Says Mirren: “I am fascinated by the notion of playing Camilla. It made me ashamed for my country that people could be so venal and nasty.”
Quite what Mirren means by this is unclear, a situation not aided by the Sun which lets matters lie there.
Of course, we realise that Mirren is not calling Camilla names but referring to her critics.
Camilla is a decent sort. Indeed, the Express has a picture of Camilla, formerly known as the wicked step-mother, sworn enemy to our Princess of Hearts, having her hair tossed about in the wind.
This is “Camilla’s bad heir day”. And on visit to Bahrain, the Express looks on as Camilla and Charles – “the hapless couple” – are buffeted by a sandstorm.
The wind whips up something terrible. It blows Camilla’s green tunic up her back. Camilla’s private secretary steps forward to hold on to the billowing garments.
But is it too late? Have we seen enough? What is that strapping device in studs and taffeta?
Is Dame Helen about to embark on her greatest challenge to date..?
Fighting The Germans – A Fawlty Hotel
GOLDEN rule of tabloid reporting No. 231b: all miserabilist hotel proprietors shall run a Fawlty Towers-style operation.
So here is the Mail’s story (“Fawlty of Weymouth”) of Joe Doyle, the owner of the Dorset resort’s Hotel Berkeley.
The story goes that while on a charabanc to God’s waiting room, Mr Doyle’s guests were insulted, embarrassed and ridiculed. And, peculiarly for the aged, not ignored.
Ernie Page, 81, was one holidaymaker taking advantage of the £140 a head four-day trip. Says Ernie of Doyle: “His attitude was disgusting.”
And these the words of a D-Day veteran! (We refer to Tabloid Rule 1943 that states that all elderly persons should have their war records brought into play on the understanding that they did not fight the Germans for shoddy service. Indeed, had they wanted punctiliousness and better trains, they should, perhaps, with hindsight, have sided with Hitler.)
Bette Bailey, 75, (wartime record unspecified) recalls approaching Mr Doyle on the matter of hot water. “When I told him what my problem was he replied, ‘I don’t now what you’re worried about – you look clean enough to me.’”
A compliment no doubt. But Mr Doyle did not leave it there. “He said: ‘The sea’s over there. If you want a wash go and jump in the sea and have one there!’ I stared at him, speechless, and he said that if I didn’t like it I could pack my bags and go home.”
She goes on: “I wasn’t sure if I had got the hotel name wrong and that it wasn’t Fawlty Towers,” says Berry, now revealed to be a retired crown court civil servant.
And then there is Eric Dyke, 74. He’s a retired BBC construction manager. He was refused his soup starter on account of arriving late at table. He complained. Mr Doyle is said to have ranted and raved. Like a madman, no doubt.
So the hotel is to be closed down by the inspectors? Eric, Betty and Ernie have been caught trying to sneak in non-residents to their rooms at night? It was hamster soup?
Er, no, no and no. Mrs Patricia Doyle, the Mail’s Sybil, says Mr Dyke was rude to her gusts and reduced a 15-year-old waitress to tears.
Says he: “All our customers are treated the same, but those wishing to treat us with disrespect will be treated likewise.”
She then laughed like a draining septic tank and set fire to her hair…
Posted: 27th, February 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
To Baldly Go – Is David Beckham Going Britney?
“IS David Beckham going bald?”
The Start asks this question on its front page. And before Beckham hair watchers have a chance to ascertain the footballer’s head, the paper screams: “HE’S LOSING IT.”
Inside, it’s the Star’s “SPOT THE BALD” contest. This is no tricky task as an arrow in the B6 H5 square points to the top of the Beckham head.
Says a “top image consultant”: “If David is losing his hair, it would be a complete and utter disaster for him.
And for Her Poshness, who may like to coordinate her own hair style with her husbands.
Is this why the Beckhams look the worse for wear in the Sun (“WRECKHAMS”)? Seen leaving Los Angeles’ Koi eatery, where the Hypnotic cocktail is on the menu, Vicky looks a little tired and spacey. As does Dave, spotted leaving a London restaurant with some friends. The Sun sees him looking “weary”.
Understandable that Dave and Vicky should seek comfort in restaurants. Away from the arc lights and the laughter of the Oscars and the unforgiving Real Madrid floodlights, Posh and Becks are both viewed from the front.
But they should not worry. The Beckhams are going to live in Los Angeles, a place where hair is zipped-on. We remain confident that the right small woodland creatures can be found to live atop each of Dave and Vicky’s heads.
And we warn the Beckhams against shaving off their hair lest they look less than original – Britney Spears has done it – and accept the risk of American people coming up to Dave and asking him if he’s that guy from Star Trek and if Vicky is a lollipop…
Posted: 26th, February 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Off To A Tea – Mirren Meets The Queen
LAST night Helen Mirren became the Queen of Hollywood when she won as Oscar for her portrayal of The Queen on film.
This news is something that will escape Sun readers who wake to the more thrilling front-page news that Mirren is to have a “QUEEN TEA”. Mirren has been summoned to meet the Queen for tea. Who needs a painted gold statuette when you can sip a cuppa from Her Majesty’s second best china?
Tiffin with Liz is said by the Sun to be a way of rewarding Mirren for her performance.
While America offers stars glitz, glamour and money, Britain offers a cup of imported caffeine and maybe – just maybe – a biscuit.
For a full review of what else America offers, the Sun looks at the thousands of dollars worth of cosmetic surgery and Botox Mirren is said to have turned down.
America likes its stars to look, well, like American stars, and persons unnamed are said to have offered Mirren a swag bag filled with things to make her Oscar winning look of unrestrained joy and shock Oscar permanent.
Bu Mirren is British. Mirren declined.
And now Mirren will be rewarded for her fortitude and resolve with a slap-up tea with her Majesty.
And it is entirely understandable that Her Majesty should be grateful to Mirren. Most often the Queen is portrayed as a braying ninny, a sour-faced old bat or, worse yet, a German.
Mirren’s Oscar acceptance speech prises the Queen’s “dignity, her sense of duty and her hairstyle”. Says Mirren: “She has weathered many, many storms. And I salute her courage and her consistency and I thank her because if it wasn’t for her I most certainly would not be here.”
So here is the Queen a la Mirren, looking younger, more animated and not a little erotic. Mirren is a sexy 61-year-old. Queen Victoria can get the more matronly Dame Judi Dench, 71, in Mrs Brown, but Queen Liz gets something a little racier, a little more alluring. Liza gets Mirren.
And Mirren gets an Oscar. And tea…
Shear Madness – Britney Spears’ Hair, Jade Goody’s Nose & Prince Harry’s Salute
BRITNEY Spears has done for bald men what Victoria Beckham has done for thin women: she has made people question their motives.
Reasons why Britney took up the clippers and shaved off her hair were many. While Anorak looked for lice and a Nazi boyfriend, a customer at Ester’s Hair Studio in Sherman Oaks, where Britney Spears became Britney Shears, said: “She basically just said she was tired of having things plugged into her.”
Being plugged sounded a uniquely unpleasant experience. But we imagined a woman who shared a bed with Kevin Federline was less squeamish than most about having unpleasant things inserted into her person.
The Star just called her a “headcase”. Mad people shave their heads. And cage wrestlers. And since Britney was never a fighter, she must be a nut.
“She’s ill and in need of help,” said the Sun’s showbiz editor, a woman with black hair on her head. Britney was “totally unhinged”. Britney was “obviously suffering from a breakdown”.
And while Britney slipped in and out of rehab, Jade Goody got her head examined.
Jade has yet to shave her bonce. Although if her career demands it, and her agent suggests it, she just might. We imagine Jade is watching the Britney story with a keen – slightly winking – eye.
But can Jade ever recover? As a source told us: “It could take weeks or months, and even then she may only get over it if she can meet Shilpa again.”
The odds are slimmer than an Indian chicken chef of the Bollywood babe stooping to save Jade’s career.
But where there are therapy and prescription drugs, there is hope.
But Jade was exploding with “rage” and hurling “vile insults” at Big Brother’s Danielle Lloyd.
Jade, described as “furious”, was seen “squaring up to Danielle” and launching a “scathing attack”. The venue was Nu Bar in Loughton, a “popular footballers’ wives drinking den”.
Jade was said to be upset that while she went to The Priory and did public penance to save her career as the UK’s premier village idiot, Dani swanned off to Dubai and back into the arms of her footballer, Teddy Sheringham.
Of course, Anorak realised that Danielle’s time in the sun would turn her skin darker and best enable her to get in touch with her inner Shilpa.
But it was too much for the BBC. And Jade was duly dumped from the broadcaster’s Comic Relief begathon.
And it was not as if Jade hadn’t been preparing for the show. She’d been wearing a red nose, and red eyes and red cheeks, ever since it dawned on her that the cameras in the Big Brother house picked up everything said.
But even Jade’s red face was not enough. And, as the Sun said, “JADE GETS NO RELIEF.”
The plan was for Jade to feature as a panelist on a spoof version of the BBC1 Quiz show A Question Of sport.
But you can’t have someone who calls Bollywood babe Shilpa Shetty “Shilpa Poppadom” and F***awalla” appearing on the national broadcaster. So the show – which cost £80,000 to produce – was shelved.
The BBC had set a precedent. It cannot be long before the BBC vets its staff and anyone who ever appears on its TV, internet and radio broadcasts for sign of racism and bullying. How long can Peter Schmeichel, the former Manchester United goalkeeper who, reportedly, once called Ian Wright, the former Arsenal forward, a “fucking black bastard” work as a BBC football pundit?
And while the BBC conducted its inquisition, we heard that Prince Harry was leaving us. Having drunk London dry, Harry had been given the all clear to patrol Iraq in a soldierly capacity.
Harry was “RARING TO GO”, as the Mirror’s headline stated. “Harry can’t wait as Army sends him out to Iraq.”
It promises to be a fight out there, stressful and dangerous. Harry knows what he is doing. He’s not mad. Although he is, most likely, shaving his head…
Posted: 24th, February 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)
Daily Wail
EVERY day of every week the Mail thinks up imaginative ways to remind you that life is cruel and you are going to experience pain and die.
And if it can’t think any up, it looks at the latest scientific research.
Here is a selection of things that will kill you and yours from last week’s paper of doom…
MONDAY
“The children of 12 in hospital for alcoholism” – The Mail finds pre-teens being diagnosed as alcoholics
“Gun violence: The real crime is the refusal to face the truth” – Melanie Phillips knows
“The 15 ways in which too much TV wrecks you child’s health” – Shortsightedness (staring at the screen); Alzheimer’s; type 2 diabetes (eating junk in front of the box); Autism (lack of social interactions); and more…
“Is this how it’s all going to end?” – See picture not of Tony Blair being made President but of the sun exploding
“STRICTLY PRIVATE. Thanks to the internet, your blind date can find out your most intimate secrets before you’ve even met. Worried? You should be” – Just why are lonely people lonely?
TUESDAY
“Heart disease crisis ‘will cripple the NHS’” – Charity Hearth UK warns
“A 34-inch waist doubles the risk of womb cancer” – Says Cancer Research UK
THE Numbers:
6,000 – the number of women and children with sickle cell anaemia in the UK
40,000 – the number of people diagnosed with lung cancer in the UK each year
“Is the food in your trolley as healthy as the label claims? We reveal the ploys that can trick unwary shoppers” – Best stick of microwaved burgers
“Vasectomies increase risk of dementia” – HEADLINE OF THE WEEK
“I had a brain tumour the size of a cricket ball – and it was going to blind me” – Singer Russell Watson tells all
“ALLERGIC TO ELECTRICITY. Can radiation from sterios, computers and other electric gadgets ruin your health? The experts say no, but this businessman’s extraordinary story could force them to think again” – Brian Stein is electrosensitive
“Women’s lives are at risk because we test drugs only on men”
“SUPER LICE. We’ve never been cleaner or had more ways of tackling them. So why is new breed of head live running rampant throught Britain’s schools?” – We blame the curriculum
“Bob Holness had NINETY mini strokes and didn’t even know it. Then he was hit by the big one” – Beta Blocker busters
WEDNESDAY
“I fear for our little Britneys” – Allison Pearson sees bald teenage girls
“THE OBESITY TIMEBOMB. British women are officially the most overweight in Europe and men aren’t far behind” – WE’RE fatter than the Germans
THURSDAY
“Lasting risk of being born small”
“As it’s revealed British woman are the most overweight in Europe. Anne Diamond says you can NEVER be fat and HAPPY” – But you can be a laughing stock
FRIDAY
“We’re overworked – yet can’t pay the mortgage. Expected to be superdads – and world-class lovers too. No wonder we men are utterly bewildered…WHO’D BE A MODERN MAN?”
“The killing fields. Modern Britons and pesticides are blamed for wiping out nature. In fact, when it comes to slaughtering wildlife, our ancestors put us in the shade…”
Not On His Nelly – Gazza Upsets Furtado
PAUL Gascoigne is in West End club Mo*vida. So too is Nelly Furtado.
There eyes meet. “Who is that idiot?” asks Nelly.
He is, of course, Paul ‘Gazza’ Gascoigne, the man who was one the best footballer in Britain. Not that many would expect, Nelly, a Canadian to know that.
And Gazza returns the compliment. An onlooker hears him inquire: “Who the fuck is Nelly? Like I give a fuck it’s his party.”
The onlooker says Gazza punctuated this outburst by falling into Nelly’s table and knocking glasses off it.
As Gazza is encouraged to the exit, he is heard asking: “Who the fuck is Nelly. Who is he?”
Indeed, dear readers. It shocks us too to learn that Nelly Furtado, that vision of brunette, perky loveliness is a man.
But Gazza, who famously sported breasts, is uniquely placed to spot the difference.
And he is trained. As the Star reports, Gazza is making ready to have lessons from the SAS. Gazza is to star in a film in which he plays a survivor battling to save the human race from alien invasion. And the SAS will teach him how to fire a gun.
“Maybe this will be the start for me,” says Gazza of the film entitled Final Run. “Who knows where it will go?”
For sure. If a short, cross-dressing Canadian called Nelly can make it in showbiz then why not Gazza?
Posted: 23rd, February 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Prince Among Men – Harry’s Off To Iraq
“SHOULD HARRY GO TO WAR?”
The Star asks the question that matters. But readers should note that the paper’s phone vote carries only limited weight and whatever the result Prince Harry will go to Iraq.
The same goes for the Sun’s “Army” of readers. Whatever their response to “Harry in Iraq: will he put our boys more at risk? Discuss!”, the prince is off.
Nothing can make Harry flinch from his duty, not even the Star telling him and the world that in Iraq Harry will be the “No1 terror target”.
And not former boxer Chris Eubank, a man who has made a good living from punching people in the head. Chris has been driving his 32ft, seven-ton Peterbilt lorry around Whitehall and blasting the horn.
The message on the truck’s flank reads: “BLAIR Don’t send our young prince to you catastrophic illegal war, to make it look pl ausibl e.” (Anorak believes the final word in Eubank’s plea to be “plausible”, but there is ever chance Ckwiss writes likes he talks and the word appears as he intended.)
While many upbraid Eubank for his choice of vehicle in central London and demand that he be hanged for crimes against the environment, the Star sees police pinch him for breach of the peace and driving without due care and attention.
And Harry will go to Iraq. The Mail does its best to put him off by reminding Harry Baseball Cap that six-months patrolling the Iraqi desert will be a “marked change” in his life. Instead of “hectic socialising”, Harry will be “sleeping under the stars” and living off boil-in-the-bag curries and stew.
War can be tough, It might sound like a camping trip, a sponsored charity walk in the desert, but this is war.
A senior military source tells the Sun: “Harry’s certainly jumping in at the deep end with Maysan. It’s well and truly Mad Max land. It’s like the land the world forgot up there.
“There’s a popular story about two of its tribes duelling over the ownership of a cow. They went home to get their heavy machine guns and anti-aircraft weapons and by the end of the day, ten were dead and 40 wounded. It sums the place up.
And there are no special arrangements for Harry to be guarded as he stands guard. The Mail reminds Harry that there will be no SAS minders and no police bodyguards watching him.
Says Mayor Charles Heyman: “His troop sergeant and troop corporal are just as capable of looking out for him as the SAS, who have other demands on their time.”
Indeed, books on the SAS do not write themselves. Harry will be forced to rely on his comrades and his training.
And all things considered he is “RARING TO GO”, as the Mirror’s headline states. “Harry can’t wait as Army sends him out to Iraq.”
Good luck to him, say we. “He’s a very brave and determined young man who wants to be part of his regiment and part of the Army,” says Tony Blair.
Bon voyage, Cornet Wales, God speed. The only issue is what to do with you when you return? And if your favourite bars will survive without your patronage…
Jade Goody’s Mystery Guest
IS it right that the kiddies suffer?
Jade Goody erred, that much is certain. But to learn that the children will pay for her misdemeanours is so, so unfair.
And it is not as if Jade hasn’t been preparing for Comic Relief, the BBC’s annual begathon.
She’s been wearing a red nose, and red eyes and red cheeks, ever since it dawned on her that the cameras in the Big Brother house picked up everything said.
But even Jade’s red hooter is not enough. And, as the Sun says, “JADE GETS NO RELIEF.”
The plan was for Jade to feature as a panelist on a spoof version of the BBC1 Quiz show A Question Of sport.
But you can’t have someone who calls Bollywood babe Shilpa Shetty “Shilpa Poppadom” and F***awalla” appearing on the national broadcaster. So the show – which cost £80,000 to produce – has been shelved.
Of course the sports show features Ally McCoist as a team captain. Ally is the ex-footballer who enjoyed an affair with the actress Patsy Kensit at the same time as he was having an affair with air hostess Donna Gilbin.
Others who have featured on the show that upholds the nation’s morals and does character checks on its contestants are:
Phil Tufnell (cricketer and cannabis smoker).
Peter Schmeichel, a former Manchester United goalkeeper who, reportedly, once called Ian Wright, the former Arsenal forward, a “fucking black bastard”.
Former England goalkeeper Peter Shilton who was arrested for drink-driving after being found at 5am in a country lane with a woman called Tina in his car. He then drove into a lamppost.
And many, many more…
Posted: 22nd, February 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)
FForgetting Jordan – Gareth Gates Speaks Out
WHO says that talent doesn’t out?
And we open up the Sun to read that Gareth Gates is back.
Not that the reality TV singer ever went away, not really. Gareth, who rose to prominence on Pop Idol, losing out in the final to Will Young, was just taking a breather between words.
Gates, of course, had a stammer. And a singer with a stammer is never a good thing – unless who are Chaka Khan’s warm-up man.
So Gates worked on his stammer. And now he has lost it. Gates is stammer free.
“I’ve spent the last three years working on my speech,” says Gates in real time. “I’d never say I’m cured because that’s the wrong way to look at it. But being able to speak has changed my life.”
The Sun’s Victoria Newton says she chatted to Gates for an hour. In the old days, she’d have done well to come away with ten words of copy. But now Gates is eloquent and free to talk about his life and his future.
And Gates has turned his back on cover songs, those karaoke takes on popular hits of old, mainstays of the Simon Cowell-inspired pop charts.
The new all-speaking, all-chatting Gates is playing his own instruments on his own songs.
And the Sun wants to know all about it. So, Mr Gates, is it true that you shagged Jordan?
Oh, the temptation for Gates to revert to his old ways as his mind’s eyes is infiltrated by the pneumatic presence of the glamour model. Will he now FF-orget his breathing?
But he comes clean. He breathes. Says Gates: “The truth is we did have a relationship.” (Back in 2002, Gates denied that he’d lost his virginity to the thrusting Jordan.)
“I don’t blame her for slagging me off over it…She’s a nice girl. It’s very easy for people to slag her off but when you get to know her she’s great.”
And Gates did get to know her. And now he looks forward to meting her again and putting “things to rest”.
He might even apologise. And he can. With a nod to Elton John, for Gates sorry is no longer the hardest word to say…
Naomi Campbell Sees Double
THERE are two Naomi Campbells.
We talk not of Naomi split personality, a Jekyll and Hyde, a good Naomi and a phone-chucking Naomi. We talk of the other Naomi, the one who passes herself off as the model.
The Mirror claims to have caught up with this freeloading Naomi, who crashes A-list parties and picks up big discounts on designer clothes.
The paper tells us that last week fake Naomi attempted to gain entry to Oasis’s post-Brits party. But she was stopped. And now the Mirror can reveal her to be one Susan Sangster.
And Naomi is delighted. “Thanks so much to you at 3am for finding this impostor,” says the model. “I was shocked to hear there was someone out there pretending to be me and fooling so many people.”
This is a feather in the caps of the paper’s 3am Girls. Who knew that there was a professional impersonator pretending to be Naomi Campbell?
Very soon we expect these tireless investigators to discover the true identity of the fake David Beckham, ersatz Halle Berry and conterfeit Elvis Presleys that make sick livings out of pretending to be what they are not.
But before that, we wonder if this fake Naomi has not missed her true calling.
If to the greater public she is indistinguishable from the real Naomi, why doesn’t she become a model and make a fortune from wearing clothes and walking up and down?
And, indeed, the arrival of new Naomi could give the old Naomi a break from being herself.
“There is only Naomi and it is a full time job,” says the old Naomi. Or is it the new one talking?…
Hugh Grant Co-Hosts Liz Hurley’s Wedding
HUGH Grant is to be the best man’s “co-host” at Liz Hurley wedding to Arun Nayer.
Of course, Grant has a history of weddings, it being the film Four Weddings & Funeral that made his name.
This time there is only one wedding. Plans for Grant to marry Jemima Khan have been shelved.
That’s one wedding. And it will go ahead. In spite of Grant’s presence at the do – he dated Hurley for 13 years – there will be no upset.
So why then does the Mail lead with: “How Hugh’s making a monkey out of Liz”?
The Mail says that as well as co-hosting the event, Grant will be making a speech. Doubtless, something like this: “I would just like to say this. I am, as ever, in bewildered awe of anyone who makes this kind of commitment that Liz and Arun have made today. I know I couldn’t do it and I think it’s wonderful they can.”
Indeed. But a source says the speech will be funnier than that. “It will be a comedy turn,” says a source, “but there will be no little asides or innuendoes about the relationship they had all those years.”
Which makes us wonder what Grant will be saying. What does an ex-boyfriend talk about in public at an ex-girlfriend’s wedding?
And is this Grant’s chance to make a monkey out of Liz, to make her look a fool?
No. The source says Hurley will be going through Grant’s speech, telling him what he is allowed to say.
Anorak has seen the following menu of speech subjects:
1. Grant says Hurley acted like a “right little Hitler” when she produced him on the straight-to-bargain-bin movie Mickey Blue Eyes. APPROVED!
2. Grant says Liz is no Divine Brown. Now there was a real woman! VERBOTEN!
3. Grant says he is delighted Hurley has found a man who makes her “fantastically happy”. APPROVED!
4. Grant says Hurley is the girl for him. And since he is no longer with Khan he is free to be with Hurley – his destiny. VERBOTEN!
So no monkey, unless you include the chimpanzee at a British zoo Grant has sponsored and named Elizabeth.
Says Grant in his monkey jacket…
Tom Cruise & Katie Homes Go Back To School
TOM Cruise and Katie Holmes match.
Clad in what fashion watchers are calling Star Trek chic, Tom and Katie wear matching silver helmets, matching moon boots and matching spandex ankle socks that at the lightest touch of perspiration play the opening bars to Close Encounters.
This is the vision of the future. For Tom and Katie are to be dressed by…Victoria Beckham.
As the Star reports, Vicky is said to be “really excited” at the prospect of employing her skills in getting dressed to dress the Hollywood stars for their Oscars showing.
We should not underestimate the challenge. But if anyone can teach two of Hollywood’s finest how to dress it is surely Vicky who has been dressing and being dressed for 32 years!
And what of the outfits? Why, they are matching, of course. We who have witnessed the Beckhams his ‘n’ hers creations down the years have an idea what to expect.
A source confirms: “Both her [Katie] and Tom’s outfits are said to be all black, with his and hers matching red trim around them.”
It is a look beloved by school outfitters. And if anyone can carry it off it is surely Tom and Katie.
And Michael Jackson…
You Say, You Pay
“BECAUSE of a technical problem with our telephone supplier” You Say We Pay, mainstay of teatimes with Richard & Judy, has been axed.
It was Judy Finnegan’s job to make that announcement.
As the Guardian reports, an average of 15,000 a day people spend £1 each telephoning the Richard & Judy show for a chance to play the game.
The game is simple. Contestants see if they can make Richard and Judy correctly guess the names of items and people appearing on a screen to their rear.
To date, allegations of cheating have centred on Richard’s not infrequent chair swivels. The tanned one with the sun in is hair looks at a picture of, say, a female celebrity and realises it is not William Hague, as the callers clues suggest, but Britney Spears. Each correct answer nets the caller £1,000. Richard says the correct answer. Richard is the player’s pal.
Richard just does not care. This is Richard in an interview with the Guardian, saying how he is “routinely accused of saying more than is appropriate or suitable”.
This is Richard talking of he and wife Judy’s decision to quit ITV for Channel 4: “We knew coming here was a fucking risk and it nearly didn’t work. Up till then the press had been pretty good. But our first show for Channel 4 was shit.”
Richard later adds: “I think a lot of the BBC schedule is crap.”
But at least the BBC is not embroiled in an alleged scam to fleece it viewers (licence fee excluded). The allegation is that viewers are encouraged to call and enter the quiz after entry has closed.
The claim is that the show starts at 5pm and by 5.10pm the list of contestants with a chance of being selected to play the game has been finalised. But at 5.19pm viewers were asked to call again. They still had a chance to play and to win – at least that’s what Richard & Judy were saying.
Channel4 is investigating. And while we await the verdict, viewers are invited to enter Anorak’s contest. Please use the donate button to send us £1 or more. When we’ve got enough money, we’ll send one of you a prize.
Fingers crossed.
Posted: 19th, February 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Prince Harry – Bullet Magnet
FRESH from manoeuvres in drinking dens throughout London’s Mayfair zone, Prince Harry is battle hardened and ready to fight in Iraq.
But concerned voices are talking loudly. The Mail reports on a “security nightmare”, “an unprecedented security headache”.
Should Harry just be one of the lads fighting for granny and country? Or should he be protected around the clock by a phalanx of officers from the Metropolitan Police personal protection squad?
Can it good for the collective morale for one soldier to be shielded from enemy flak by coppers while his comrades trust life and limb to non-firing guns and boots that melt in the searing heat?
See Harry scurrying between the buildings, dodging sniper fire and ready to take the enemy positions. See the six flatfoots by his side, radioing for backup checking tax discs and looking for IC2 males acting in a suspicious manner and DWB (driving while black).
And what happens after Harry’s six-month tour off duty. Minds return to Prince Andrew, the last royal to serve his county in military operations. Twenty-five years ago Andrew flew helicopters in the Falklands. Rumours are that he hasn’t worked since. War can be cruel.
What will become of Harry? As the Mail points out, “harming or capturing the third in line to the throne would be a massive coupe for insurgents or terrorists. Soldiers are already referring to Harry as a “bullet magnet”.
Who would be the officer in charge of Harry? Who would be the office in charge of a missing Harry? Who would be a missing Harry?
But preparations are being made. As the Sun reports, Harry’s top protection officer has been in Iraq checking out the lay of the land.
Rumours abound that it is dangerous over there. “It’s the mother of all security nightmares,” says a source.
But Harry will be just fine. Prince Harry is tough. He knows what to expect. How bad can it be for a ginger lad who boarded at public school and has seen so much the West End after lights out?
Britney Spears’ Merkin
DID Britney Spears have lice? Had she slept with a Nazi in occupied Holland? Is it a fashion statement, Britney giving her head a rest from so much peroxide and drying?
Reasons why Britney shaved off her hair in full view of the watching cameras are many.
But the Star looks past the claims and counterclaims and sees the truth: Britney is a “headcase”.
A customer at Ester’s Hair Studio in Sherman Oaks, where Britney Spears became Britney Shears, says: “She basically just said she was tired of having things plugged into her.”
Being plugged sounds a uniquely unpleasant experience. But we imagine a woman who shared a bed with Kevin Federline is less squeamish than most about having unpleasant things inserted into her person.
But the Sun concurs with the Star and says that Britney is under mental strain. “Tormented, frightened…and bald,” says the headline.
“Is Britney about to self-destruct?” asks the Mail. “Pictures at the weekend of Britney Spears shaving off all her hair raise disturbing questions about her increasingly fragile state of mind,” says the paper.
There is much analysis of the Britney way. The Mail, never shy on matters blonde and Sapphic, shows Britney kissing Madonna in 2003?
Britney marries Jason Alexander in 2004. Britney drives with her son Sean on her lap in 2006. Britney almost drops Sean, pictures of his orange hat falling to the ground flashed across the world’s news screens.
And now this? A bald Britney.
“She’s ill and in need of help,” says the Sun’s showbiz editor, a woman with black hair on her head. Britney is “totally unhinged”. Britney is “obviously suffering from a breakdown”.
Britney is doing the impossible and making us wonder if Kevin Federline, her estranged husband, was ever so bad. Could any of us have put up with Britney? Is Kevin a saint for lasting as long as he did?
And what does the future hold for Britney, a woman the sun sees going to hospital in a wig?
We, experts in Britney, chew on a pencil and wonder. How long will it be before Britney breaks new ground and sets a new trend in fashion? Behold! The Britney Spears wig and merkin twin-set.
It’s the talk of the town…
Britney Shears
Why did Britney shave her head:
For attention?
To remove lice?
To look like K-Ferret?
Lindsay Lohan’s Wonderland
LINDSAY Lohan is out of rehab.
This much we know.
But did she realise what she was getting into?
Lohan was staying at California’s Wonderland clinic.
We who are versed in rest homes for the tired and emotional celebrity have just seen Robbie Williams embark on a course of prolonged cleansing at The Meadows.
There’s a name that suggests clean living, rolling acres of lush pasture. The Meadows – “Recovery becomes reality”. “The Meadows provides a path to personal completeness and integrity,” says the pamphlet. It deals with causes of substance dependency. The Meadows offers a grassroots programme.
In the UK, there is The Priory, the UK’s exclusive rest home. The name is suggestive of a religious experience, a monkish existence in closed cloisters. The staff won’t talk, either, their lips sealed tight shut by a Trappist like vow if silence.
But here is Lohan in Wonderland. This is a tale of a girl chasing white rabbits, being induced to drink potions that make you feel tall and powerful before the comedown to a very small, insecure almost non-person size.
There goes the Mad Hatter. “I’m mad me,” he says in the manner of a Geordie auditioning for Big Brother. There’s the hookah-smoking, blue caterpillar exactly three inches high. “Whooo… Are… You?” he asks. Lohan is looking for the answer to that. She wants to reconnect with her inner Alice.
Is this what Wonderland means? The rep asking her starry, perked-up client “Would you like to go to Wonderland?” is, perhaps, more likely to engineer a positive answer than asking “Would you like a spell in a mental home?”.
Of course, Wonderland has other connotations. Wonderland is the amusement arcade on a tired seaside promenade, the place you walk past on a hot summer day and peer within, wondering what perverted evil lurks at the back by the penny machines.
Wonderland was the name given to a paedophile network unearthed in 2001. As the BBC reported, this Wonderland originated in the United States but also operated in Australia, Austria, Belgium, Finland, France, Germany, Italy, Norway, Portugal, Sweden and Britain.
Wonderland has been used in many different contexts. But rarely has it been used in connection with denial, sobriety and restraint…
Civil War
EVERY day of every week the Mail thinks up imaginative ways to remind you that life is cruel and you are going to experience pain and die.
And if it can’t think any up, it looks at the latest scientific research.
Here is a selection of things that will kill you and yours from last week’s paper of doom…
TUESDAY
“Time of the month can be a sprain as well as a pain” – Dr Stephen Sandler says the female ‘time of the month’ could coincide with more injuries as bones grow brittle
“Can a marriage in which the woman earns more than the man ever be happy?” – Asks Lauren Booth, half-sister to the very well paid Cherie Blair
“50pc in debt before they hit 17” – In debt to their drugs dealers, right?
“LOST ART OF LOVE. Vulgar cards, over-priced, tacky gifts and crudely named cocktails. Is commercial vulgarity destroying not only Valentine’s Day…but romance itself?” – Kiss Me Quick And Love Me Slow, as the words on the saucy Fifties postcards go…
“Baby girl killed by surgical blunder”
The Numbers:
10,000 – Number of men who die from prostate cancer each year in the UK
“Forget cannabis and heroin. Thousands of utterly respectable Britons are in the grip of an insidious and deadly drug addiction – to everyday painkillers such as Nurofen. Here, one victim tells his terrifying story… THE SILENT ADDICTION”
“For six years, I thought I was fatally ill – yet I was totally healthy. So don’t tell me hypochondria is just a joke” – Told you I was ill
“To the NHS, anyone over 60 is invisible”
“When they said I had cancer, I almost fainted. I came out in a cold sweat and thought: I’m going to die” – LimDem leader Ming Campbell on his lymphoma
“Teenagers are flocking to a new breed of unmanned sun-tan salons. As this special investigation reveals, the cost to their health could be devastating – THE COIN-SLOT DANGER ROOMS”
WEDNESDAY
“BERTRAY OF A GENERATION – Devastating UNICEF report blames family breakdown for giving British children the worst quality of life in the affluent West” – We’re number 21!
“Why we motorists have had enough – Road taxes that aren’t spent on roads. Public transport a disgrace. Politicians who are prats. One driver on why he signed the road-pricing petition” – Martin Newland’s road rage
“The disability drain. Soaring number of claimants is blighting our economy’” – The disabled swines!
THURSDAY
“Oh for the 70s, when REAL men rules and political correctness was unknown. And as for the women…” – Bring back the three day week, rampant racism, unchecked police thuggery and Rainbow
FRIDAY
“WAR ZONE UK. To his gang he was a ‘fallen soldier’: 15-year-old Billy Cox is the third teenager in 11 days to be shot dead in a drugs and gun war reducing South London to nihilistic anarchy” – That small, very poor, high-rise bit of South London
“Switch from being Catholic to CofE? It’d be like swopping my old gaspers for Silk Cut mild” – Tom Utley on his religion
“Tea-tree oils ‘could trigger superbug’” – Low doses of tea-tree oil in beauty products could make MRSA and E.coli bugs more resistant to antibiotics
Victoria Beckham, Emma Bunton, Take That & Noel Gallagher’s Message To Robbie Williams
“GET well, Robbie, from Posh and pals xxx.”
In case Robbie Williams doesn’t get the Sun delivered to his padded suite at The Meadows clinic in Arizona, we relay the good wishes via the international Anorak.
And we bring Robbie the good news that Victoria Beckham has written a letter of support to him.
Another message of support has been sent by Posh’s fellow former Spice Girl Emma Bunton. And the stars at the Brit awards give a “wave of love” to Robbie.
While troubled Williams wonders why everyone is talking about him and sending him giant waves, Russell Brand tells the Brits audience: “Let’s send actual love to Robbie. It’s for you Robbie. Get well England’s Rose.”
And here comes Gary Barlow, Robbie’s old Take That band mate. Says he: “If it wasn’t for Robbie and his huge success, there wouldn’t have still been the interest there for us. So cheers Robbie. Thanks a lot.”
And as Williams slips into a deep fugue and looks for a way of escaping this cloying support group, we hear a voice of hope.
Over in the Sun, readers hear Oasis frontman Noel Gallagher musing on matters Williams. “If you take drugs, you end up in rehab unless you’re a f*****g rock like me – and then you just give them up.”
This is “cruel Noel” who “mocks fans’ rehab hero”.
Many might wonder what is heroic about going into a six star rehab centre? And what of the dangers to the young and impressionable in talking in glowing terms of a pampered singer’s dabbles with drugs, drink and prescription drugs? Love was never enough for Williams, so why does she need it now?
Might it be that Gallagher is on the money? “We’ve all been there,” says he, “but if you can’t stand the heat …”
… head for a clinic in, er, Arizona…
