Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Dance, Heather Mills, Dance!
IT’S Heather Mills. Or, more precisely, it’s Heather Mills’ appendage.
“Mucca signs up for celeb dance show,” announces the Star. “FALSE LEG IN..RIGHT LEG OUT.”
Oh, such fun it is to mock the afflicted. Here’s Heather all set to appear on the American version of Strictly Come Dancing and the Star gets clever.
Isn’t Heather a disabled woman making a stand and twirl for equality? If two legged celebs can look uncoordinated and devoid of talent and rhythm in sequins and spandex, then why not celebs with one leg?
Should not Heather be applauded for agreeing to donate her appearance fee to Viva, an animal charity for beasts with three and four legs?
As a source tells the paper: “Heather is desperate to raise her profile in America and thinks this it the perfect way to do it.”
So dance, Heather, dance. Or hop, if you will. So long as you get to express yourself, who are we to judge you?
Dance the tarantella, or the hokey-cokey, as the Star suggests. And dance, if you like, into the police station near Hove, Sussex, and talk with the uniformed troupe within about this and that.
Says one local dancing policeman, a flatfoot, if you will: “It was a preplanned meeting for her to discuss a number of issues. The meeting did not relate to anything specific and she was not arrested.”
But Heather’s spokesman is a little more revealing. Says Phil Hall: “She has been subject to death threats and there has been ongoing communication with Sussex Police about that. I imagine it’s to do with that.”
So dance Heather, dance. It is the dance of death. And the Star is firing bullets at your feet…
Brits Out – Amy Winehouse Wins, Lily Allen Loses, Joss Stone Comes Up Short
“BRITS out for the lads,” commands the Star’s front page. “ALL THE STUFF YOU DIDN’T SEE ON THE TELLY.”
There promises to be quite some feast of talent and happening for those of us who didn’t catch British pop music’s AGM last night.
For those of you not at the do, and those others of you caught up in the FA Cup match featuring Arsenal and Bolton Wanderers on the other channel, a frisson of excitement.
But the Star needs to please all its readers, so what you missed becomes what was not worth broadcasting as we see singer Natasha Bedingfield in a long dress and her fellow warbler Lily Allen in a shorter dress.
Lots more dresses in the Mail. “Amy, Lily and the rest of the Brit pack stage a spectacular fashion show on the biggest night of the pop music calendar,” trills the Mail, the words hanging above nine pictures of nine different singers in nine different dresses.
All dresses are on a theme – elegant. And for the first time in many a moon the photographers flash guns do not render an outfit transparent.
Indeed, the only singer showing any real expanse of skin is Joss Stone, which may explain why her very short dress is the one the Express selects to show its readers.
Lots of attention but no prizes for Stone. But there is a gong for her fellow dress wearer Amy Winehouse, who takes home the Best British female statuette in paste and paint.
It is hard not to warm to Winehouse, a singer who can actually sing and record hit songs, a singer who has never been on a reality show nor dated a footballer.
At the do with her mum and taxi driver father Mitch, Amy is talking to the Sun. “My dad is on a mission to get drunk because he hardly ever drinks normally as he’s driving,” says Winehouse.
Congratulations then to the Winehouses. And commiserations to the Lily Allens. As the Mirror says, Allen has been “sensationally snubbed”.
Allen, daughter to luvvie Keith Allen, is being consoled by the Mirror’s reporting team. This may well be the most painful part of the evening, but she star takes in her stride.
And, in any case, isn’t rejection a catalyst for artistic endeavour. We look forward to hearing about Lily’s disappointment in song. And if she can wear a dress – something short and tarty is advisable – then so much the better…
Posted: 15th, February 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Love Is…Gemma Atkinson’s Thong
“TV Gemma bares all – My Valentine’s With Ronaldo.”
While ten Wags dress themselves and others on TV’s Wags Boutique, Gemma Atkinson, Wag to Manchester United footballer Ronaldo, is carving out a niche for herself by undressing.
If the Wags Boutique ever features a lingerie section, Gemma would surely be the one to model the outlet’s range of diamante thongs and one-size-too-small bras.
Today Gemma is wearing a bustier and cheese wire knickers by Ann Summers. It’s the kind of thing Gemma’s footballer is used to seeing, as are we all.
“I’m very easily pleased on Valentine’s day,” says “down-to-earth” Gemma. “Just a card makes me happy.”
Don’t rule out Gemma wearing just a card sometime soon. Stick on some diamante and fur and she’ll probably wear it to the shops. But for now, Gemma is sticking with manmade fibres.
Gemma is romantic. For Gemma every day is Valentine’s day. Like Mr Christmas on the local TV news who keeps the seasonal lights up all year round and eats turkey, sprouts and mince pies 365 days year, Gemma is Miss Valentine.
“When I’m in a relationship, I treat it like it’s Valentine’s day every day, so today is no different,” says she.
But before Gemma and Ronaldo can pop out for a traditional Valentine’s day meal of lobster curry and strawberries dipped in alcopops, Gemma talks of her footballer.
“All my mates are so jealous that I’m going out with Cristiano – especially the men,” says Gemma. “
Who wouldn’t want to date a young, right athlete? Not that Gemma is into only footballers. “I don’t have a thing for footballers,” says Gemma, who has dated Charlton Athletic star Marcus Bent. “In this industry you meet all sorts of people.”
Ah, the industry of love…
Brit Rules – Justin Timberlake Snubbed
“BRITS snub for Justin.”
So says the Star, which heralds the British music industry’s AGM with a tale of how Justin Timberlake has NOT been asked to perform.
And can you guess why? Is it because: a) The organisers could nor afford him; b) Timberlake would have declined the chance to perform in an aircraft hanger full of braying music industry types and Z-list celebs; c) He is no James Blunt?
The answer, as ever, is d) None of the above. According to the Star, Justin Timberlake was not asked to perform because “Brit award bosses… feared the star would bring a lack of credibility to the show.”
Brits. Credibility? Whatever can the Star mean?
And while the Brits give one in the eye to the world’s biggest solo male act – that’ll learn him – the Mirror looks at what music lovers can see: Russell Brand’s hair.
The ubiquitous Russell Brand is presenting the show. And Brand’s hair – 8-inches high and rising – will do battle with the elevation that sits atop Amy Winehouse’s bonce – 12-inches.
It promises to be quite some show. Who needs Timberlake?…
Robotic Woman – EastEnders’ Bionic Michelle Ryan
FANS of EastEnders will be familiar with the work of Michelle Ryan.
It was Michelle’s mission to breathe life into the character of Zoe Slater, one of the show’s assortment of Slater women.
But Michelle’s character was not to last. Zoe went to work on her Uncle Bert’s mushroom allotment/ to prison for a crime she did not commit/ to pantomime in Basildon.
What we do know is that Zoe has found work. In spite of her performances in EastEnders, where she was routinely out-acted by her wooden market stall, Zoe is to act once more.
As the Sun says, Zoe is to play the Bionic Woman in an American remake of the hit 1970s show.
“I still can’t believe it’s happened to me,” says Zoe. “As soon as news got out, I got congratulatory texts from Shane Richie and other mates from EastEnders.”
She goes on: “I’m very excited. The whole thing was quite surreal and I’m still pinching myself.”
But before Zoe pinches too hard and makes herself cry (a trick favoured by jobbing actors looking for emotional range), we note that Zoe will play the Bionic Woman in the pilot episode.
Many is the pilot show that has never made it to full production, and we recall the likes of Noel Edmonds Knows Fine Wines, TV Toasters – The History Of The Toaster In British Sitcoms (presented by Hale & Pace), and Chip ‘n’ Dale, a soap opera set in a Yorkshire Fish Restaurant.
But Zoe can still prosper. Indeed, if she has learnt anything from her time on EastEnders, it is surely how to play a robotic woman.
Robbie Williams Takes This & That
WHAT’LL it be, Robbie Williams?
The Sun knows. Most of us just get a card or a spray of garage forecourt carnations on Valentine’s Day, but Robbie Williams is not most of us.
The Sun’s front page lists Robbie’s intake: “Happy pills, sleeping pills, 36 espressos, 60 Silk Cut, 20 Red Bulls EVERY DAY.”
Isn’t product placement a wonderful thing, the subtle approach to marketing. But before you dash out to buy your Robbie fags and distilled cups of Robbie coffee, know that Robbie is not the better for his Robbie diet. This is “ROBBIE IN REHAB”.
In this “exclusive”, the Sun sees Williams check into Arizona’s The Meadows centre for tired and emotional celebrities.
Inside the paper and The Meadows, has become the “exclusive” Cottonwood clinic in Tucson, Arizona. It may be the same as The Meadow. We are not told. But we do know that this is the place where ex-EastEnders star Danniella Westbrook sniffed the clean air.
And, if it is The Meadows, it is also where Paul Gascoigne was treated for what the newspapers routinely call “his demons”. Other pampered notables whose noses line the hallowed and cushioned white walls are Kate Moss, Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood, Kerry Katona and Tara Palmer-Tomkinson. So much for exclusive.
And so much for the Sun’s exclusive as the Star (“Robbie ‘pops pills like Smarties’”) and the Mirror (“Get me into rehab before I top myself”) both lead with Robbie Williams.
This is the Mirror’s “EXCLUSIVE”. “This is “ROBBIE IN CRISIS”. This is Robbie Williams telling the paper: “Get me help now or I might do something really stupid. I keep thinking of topping myself.”
Poor Robbie. Or, as the Mirror’s Dr Miriam Stoppard puts it, “Robbie Williams needs a good shaking, if not a good slapping, to bring him to his senses.”
Minds turn to that scene in Airplane when in a bid to control a panic-stricken woman, the other passengers, armed with clubs, boxing gloves and iron bars, queue up to knock some sense into her.
The queue to slap Robbie Williams may well be a long and winding one. And at its head could be Robbie’s mum. Jane Williams is a drugs councillor. She says that “from a mother’s point of view, going into rehab is the best birthday gift he could have given himself”.
So Robbie – addicted to Seroxat in the Sun and Viacodin and Xanax in the Mirror – is seeking help.
He wants to be left alone. As the front pages tell us…
When Breasts Attack! – What Killed Anna Nicole Smith?
IS Woody Allen setting the news agenda?
The Mirror’s front page promises an unusual experience: “Did boob jobs kill Anna Nicole?”
Anna Nicole is Anna Nicole Smith, and having perished in uncertain circumstances in Florida last week the Mirror is bringing the might of its investigative know how to bear on the case.
Was Anna killed by her breasts? Anna, known from hereon in as “tragic Anna”, “may have been killed by the stress of TWO boob jobs”.
A look at Anna’s medical history reveals tales of five breast operations, an alphabet of cosmetic surgery as Anna yo-yoed between C-cups, E-cups, F-cups and FF-cups.
If Anna’s breasts did kill her, who could blame them? After so much abuse and years of living in fear of the knife, Anna’s breasts could blame it on an act of self-defence and diminished responsibility. No court in the land would convict them.
If Anna’s breasts could only talk what tales they would tell.
As the Sun shows, Anna’s breasts have not only known the feeble touch of an ancient billionaire oil man but have been leaned on by diplomats.
The Sun’s picture shows Anna lying on a bed with Shane Gibson, immigration minister for the Bahamas – where, coincidentally, Smith was given fast-track residency. It was on the Bahamas that Anna gave birth to her child Danielynn.
But as Anna’s breasts are squashed and suffocated by a Caribbean politico, the Star brings an alternative explanation for the model’s demise. We are introduced to “ANNA’S KILLER DRUGS FRIDGE”.
A fridge that can kill? What evil is this? And we peel open the fridge door and peer within.
“The Star’s “shocking” picture shows a fridge at Smith’s Bahamas mansion “packed” with methadone, the heroin substitute.
There, beside the cans of Slim-Fast shakes, vials of Miracle 2000 food supplement and yoghurt is a pot labelled “METHADONE”.
So much for packed. If you want to see something bursting at the seams, Star readers can get a load of Anna’s chest, which is trying to escape from her rhinestone leotard.
Is it trying to tell us something? What does Anna’s chest know? And will we ever find out..?
Posted: 13th, February 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Burnt Out Sienna Miller
THOSE of you keen to know what Sienna Miller was up to at 5pm on the night of the Bafta awards can consult the Sun’s front page.
Labelled “5pm”, readers and Sienna watchers see the professional girlfriend in a light blue dress. Her hair is blonde. Her exposed back a golden brown.
The Sun looks on as Sienna attends the official Baftas party at London’s Grosvenor hotel. It is then on to cocktails at Nobu eatery and dancing at Boujis nightclub. There the Sun says Miller flirts with “Orange Rising Star Award” nominee Ben Whishaw. At “5am” Sienna goes home.
Of course, the glaring omission from Sienna’s night out is a trademark boyfriend, a significant other. If Sienna is to maintain her career, she needs to get a man.
And on this matter, the Mirror brings news. “SIENNA GETS HER ROX OFF,” says the paper as it reveals that Sienna is “secretly dating” Isaac Ferry, son to pop singer Bryan Ferry.
There is a picture of 21-year-old Isaac. And news of this “secret” romance as actress and her man dance at Boujis and then smooch in the venue’s VIP area.
It is breathless stuff…
Mama Amy Winehouse Is Fed Up
AMY Winehouse is in conversation.
The singer, who pushed back the envelope of popular music when she threw up on stage, is lying down in the Sun.
In the run up to the Brits awards, the British music industry’s AGM, Winehouse tells us “why love is making the Valentine’s event even more special”.
Says Winehouse: “Of course I like a drink,” says Amy. “But I only tend to get on it when I’m bored.”
But Amy is about so much more then giving full throat to her musical development before a live audience. “But there’s another side to me people don’t see,” says she. “I also like to get up early, cook my fella breakfast then go to the gym.”
The gym? Such talks could ruin a young rebel’s career. But rock ‘n’ roll was ever so. Iggy Pop didn’t get those sinewy muscles from just lifting the microphone. The Red Hot Chilli Peppers are buffed to a deep mahogany sheen. And Cliff Richard is a demon with the tennis racket.
But it was not always so for Winehosue. Stick-thin Winehouse tells us how she was once puffing away on two ounces of marijuana a week.
But now the woman up for Best Female and Best Album Brit awards is a reformed character. She keeps house for lover Alex. “Today I cooked for all of Alex’s band then sent them off to the studio with sandwiches, crisps and drinks. I felt like their mum.”
Can it be that Winehosue, carrying the looks of a young Bette Midler, is turning into a Jewish mother? Boyfriend Alex – “the most beautiful man I have ever seen” – may not set the world of music alight (the Sun has him playing in a band; the Mirror bills him as a “chef”) but he will always be well fed and picked by “mum” up any time of night – just call.
Is Tony Blair Bovvered
“WE’RE in negotiations about the script. But Mr Blair and Downing Street have definitely signed up for it as it’s such a great cause.”
So says the Sun’s “TV insider”. And we wonder what it is that the Prime Minister is so keen to be involved with?
Good causes are what Tony does. Whether it’s building a new Scout Dome with Lottery money, promoting British creativity with a Cool Britannia party or supporting British tourism by welcoming TV’s The Simpsons family to Heathrow Airport.
The latest good cause is Comic Relief, the BBC’s telethon.
Odd it might be for a man who has so much say in tax policy and legislation on matters like schooling, health care and pensions to take part in the great annual begathon. But Tony understands good causes.
And, as the Sun reports, Tony will feature in a sketch with Catherine Tate. Tony will be visited at Number 10 by Tate’s character Lauren – “catchphrase: Am I bovvered?”
Says the source: “Given the chaos Lauren causes wherever she goes, who knows what she’ll do or say to Mr Blair.”
But Tony need not be unduly bovvered – some would say that when it comes to causing chaos, Tony knocks Lauren’s efforts into a cocked hat.
Just Mike – Jennifer Aniston’s New Lover
“JENNIFER: new nose and new man.”
But what came first?
Did Jennifer Aniston, for it is she, get the new nose then get the new man, or was it the other way around?
Or did the new man bring the new nose with him? Is the new man a plastic surgeon? Or do noses in Hollywood come with a new man? Is the new Aniston hooter part of two-for-one deal?
The only way to know for sure is to move deeper inside Grazia magazine and take note of Jennifer’s new slimline nose.
The magazine says it is “no surprise to learn that it’s not just the new nose job putting a huge smile on her face”.
As noted, there is a new man. And, of course, Jennifer Aniston has always had a huge smile, and it might be that it just seems bigger then ever because it is no longer being overshadowed of her old nose.
Get the new hose and get a bigger smile, too. And a more prominent chin…
But to the man. He’s called Mike. Just Mike. And Just Mike has been dating Jennifer. Just Mike is a cameraman. Just Mike works on Courteney Cox’s new TV show, Dirt.
A source tells us that Jennifer, or Just Jen, and Just Mike have been on several dates, including a trip to a bowling alley.
Jen does not turn her new nose up at such things. Although what with the rented shoes, many might…
Mull It Over – Kate Moss & Pete Split To The Highlands
PETE Doherty and Kate Moss have been arguing.
After so much drugs, drugs and, er drugs, the Star says Kate has told the pop f*ckwit she just wants to be friends.
An “insider” says the Pete is not best pleased with this. We hear he has been calling his ex-lover Lisa Moorish in search of comfort and support.
As ever in such matters of the heart in these post-Diana times, Pete sees Lisa as his “rock”.
And, as ever, in the matter of Moss and Doherty there is news confusion. Countering the Star’s story is the Sun’s tale. The paper’s “close friend” says Kate “cannot leave him”. And: “She feels let down by his constant broken promises but is torn because she absolutely adores him.”
What to do? What to do? Kate has an idea. She will take Pete away from the madness. Kate will buy Pete a Scottish hideaway.
The paper says that Kate has sent her people to scour Scotland for a place where she and Pete can get away from it all. The hope is that isolated from his “junkie mates”, Pete will be at his most creative.
Just how will Pete manage to score some heroin while surrounded by so much wilderness? Can you make a nose straw from a handful of Stone Bracken? Can Sheep’s Fescue grass be rolled into Bible paper and smoked?
But while Pete’s fans look forward to their hero expanding his creative horizons, the Sun dismisses it all as a “fruitless task”.
And then, after some deliberation, the Sun wonders if, all things considered, this might be the best way to cure Pete. Send him to the Highlands and leave him there.
It is a move not without precedent. As the Sun says, Paul and Linda McCartney often retreated to their farm on the Mull Of Kintyre.
Can the same trick work for Pete and Kate. And will Pete write a hit record and form a band with Kate?
Will the mists rolling in be a sign of the clouds lighting or the result of Pete sneezing into a bowl of noxious powders?…
Posted: 12th, February 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)
EastEnders’ Shane Richie’s Suicide Note
IT’S Shane Richie’s cry for help.
The fear is that after years of acting in EastEnders, so much exposure to depressing plots and desperate acting, Richie has snapped.
The note at his service apartment reads: “The world is too much for me. I can’t go on with all the disastrous things that keep happening around me.”
Though Shane is no longer playing a Red Coat who’s out-acted by his extroverted shirts in the BBC’s flagship soap opera, the fear is that he has come over all EastEnders. As a star of the dire show might put it: “’E’s gonna top ‘isself.”
Without a moment to lose, Shane’s landlady takes up the note and calls not the emergency services but the producers of Shane’s new telly show.
But – what shock! – this is not the last note of a suicidal ex-soap star. This is part of a script. In the new show, Shane plays a man who winds up standing at the top of a Manchester hotel contemplating killing himself.
“It really was very funny afterwards when the producers called me to check that everything was OK,” says Shane in the Sun.
But not as funny as that time when EastEnders Shane slept with his sister’s wife and got punched in the head. How we laughed…
Posted: 12th, February 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Pinning Around – Kylie Minogue & Penelope Cruz’s Doll
“I’M thrilled to be nominated,” says Penelope Cruz of her chances of Bafta success. “Although I’m tempted, I’m not sticking pins in Dame Helen’s picture yet…”
By now Cruz might be using her voodoo know how, beaten as she has been to the British acting prize by the, er, British actress.
But Cruz has come to the fore for matters unrelated to her acting. She has been seen with Kylie Minogue’s ex-flame Olivier Martinez.
How we raged at the world when we looked at those pictures of Martinez and Cruz in a clinch. This was just 12 hours – “half a day” – after Martinez and Kylie had ended their love affair.
But before we stick pins in a picture of Cruz, we hear the story behind the action. “Olivier and I have been friends for seven years,” says Cruz. “We are very close. You can understand that it’s a difficult time for him right now, so I have been there for him to offer support.”
Martinez is not so much cuddling Cruz as he is leaning on her, using her for support. As the Mirror says, Penelope is Olivier’s “rock”.
“He’s a great guy but nothing happened,” says Cruz.
And so it is we lay down the picture of Cruz and place the pin back in the sewing box.
And we look at Kylie. How is she coping? “KYLIE DAZZLES AT THE BAFTAS,” says the Sun. And on its front page we see Kylie wearing a blue dress. “Shining star,” comes the caption beneath a further picture of Kylie in a dress. “Kylie wore an unusual metallic dress.”
In what way unusual? Because we cannot see her backside or the profile of her breasts? The Mirror is unspecific.
But Kylie was at the Baftas to present an award. And she was not presenting it to Penelope Cruz. Which is a happy coincidence…
Helen Mirren’s Nutbag
WHAT odds Her Majesty the Queen abdicating in favour of Dame Helen Mirren? And what odds that any of the serfs would notice or mind?
Indeed, the twin pluses of watching Prince Charles trying to keep busy as he is made to wait even longer for the throne and Mirren’s flashes of bosom on State occasions would endear this idea to the public.
For now, Mirren is holding aloft the Best Actress Bafta she’s won for her portrayal of the Queen in film.
Mirren cuts a fine figure on the Mail’s front page. And inside, the paper sees Mirren “look the part” as she walks along the red carpet for the awards ceremony at the Royal Opera house.
As ever, there is a focus on the outfit. And for readers keen to get the Queen Mirren look, the Mail reveals it to be a champagne and chocolate–coloured silk gown by designer Jacques Azagury. This creation is given added pizzazz by £200,000-worth of jewels.
Staying with our theme of Queen Helen Windsor, we wonder how much more magnificent Her Majesty would look if she made an effort, topped the look off with hat in a pastel shade and some proper gems and rocks.
And if she didn’t swear. As the Mirror’s front page announces: “Helen, Queen of the *@!#!* Baftas – She wins after a 4-letter boob on live TV.”
The air turns “royal blue” as Mirren is interviewed on the aforesaid red carpet. Matt Smith, a presenter on Sky News, warns Mirren that his channel is a swear-free zone.
Mirren: Where people don’t swear? Fucking nutbag!
Smith: You’ve done it again.
Mirren: Is it live? I’m sorry – I do apologise. That was an appalling thing to do. It was a joke and I take it back.”
But some things cannot be taken back. And “nutbag” is added to the national swear words database.
Listen out for it at the Queen’s next official engagement…
Hewn From Rocky – Sylvester Stallone’s Clay Jaw
“I FELT as if Rocky has come from our village, he had to fight to win his place in society.”
Rocky is Rocky Balboa, aging fighter returning to the ring for one more punch in the head. Oh, for a lean, mean grilling machine.
The person being quoted is Bojan Marceta a resident of Zitiste, a town about 30 miles north of Belgrade.
The other notable thing about Zitiste is that it is jinxed. Reports tell of floods and landslides.
What Zitiste needs is an icon, a talisman to turn away evil and make Zitiste mighty. What it needs is Rocky Balboa. And if it can’t have the real thing in an Everton scarf, it will have a stature instead.
As Marceta says: “This is the chance to give a better, more positive image to Zitiste. We have also contacted a sculptor who has designed the statue, asking him whether he would help us.”
Making a statue of Rocky cannot be too tricky. While most statues call for chiseled looks, Rocky’s effigy can be all sloppy jaw and droopy eyelids, and given his advancing years, sagging breasts.
At least the hair remains as pert and youthful as ever.
Ralph Fiennes Mile High
FINE British actor Ralph Fiennes has been on long-haul flight from Australia to India.
And during the Qantas flight something occurred. According to stewardess Lisa Robertson it went like this:
“While conversing with Mr Fiennes during my break, I expressed a need to go to the toilet. I went to the nearby toilet and entered it, he followed me and entered the same toilet. I explained to him that this was inappropriate and asked him to leave. Mr Fiennes became amorous towards me and, after a short period of time, I convinced him to leave the toilet, which he did. I left the toilet a short time later.”
To the Mirror this is “RALPH’S QUICKIE AT 35,000FT”.
Says Australian Lisa: “It’s common practice on long flights to build a rapport with passengers.”
But readers should not that Fiennes was in the business class toilet and such care mat not be extended to passengers stuck cheap seats.
EVERY day of every week
EVERY day of every week the Mail thinks up imaginative ways to remind you that life is cruel and you are going to experience pain and die.
And if it can’t think any up, it looks at the latest scientific research.
Here is a selection of things that will kill you and yours from last week’s paper of doom…
MONDAY
“Are some youngsters simply born to be bad?” – Researchers at University of Virginia say they might be
“Did complacency let the bird flu in?” – Or did it fly in?
“THE DEATH OF OPPORTUNITY (How Labour’s obsession with equality and rights culture has betrayed those who aspire to climb the social ladder)” – Baroness Melanie Phillips speaks up
“The motorists on collision course with skin cancer” – St Louis University School of Medicine warns driver about driving in sunlight hours
TUESDAY
“Why the lady ladybird is running short of lovers” – A bacteria in the rampant female kills the men
“Why feeling lonely can raise risk of Alzheimer’s’ – Rush Medical Center in Chicago investigates
“BRITAIN: EUROPE’S BURGLARY CAPITAL” – We’re Number 1!
“The generation giving up fun to buy a home” – But what about binge drinking?
The numbers:
60,000 – The number of hip fractures every year in the UK
48 – The percentage of men who say they’re more stressed now than they were five years ago
“DYING FOR A GLASS OF WATER – When Paul went into hospital for tests, staff failed to check one thing: that he drank enough. It triggered a catastrophic collapse than ended in death. So how many other patients are at risk from dehydration?” – 345?
“CANCER: WHAT ARE YOUR CHANCES? We’re world leaders in research into cancer – but as this special investigation shows, we are far more likely to die of it than most other Europeans” – Maybe that’s why we’re world leaders in cancer research?
“Why you should never trust new wonder drugs”
WEDNESDAY
“Maternity unit closures ‘could lead to deaths’” –
THURSDAY
“MUM, I CAN’T FORGIVE YOU. When her 16-year marriage ended, Lynn found happiness in the arms of a woman. Here, she and her daughter reveal how the affair has caused a family rift which may never be healed”
“WITNESS TO MURDER. It started as an innocent family trip to a museum – then tiny Joseph saw his jealous father murder his mother and leap to his death. How will the mental scars ever heal?”
“Wrap up for the great white-out. The chilling satellite photo that shows what could be the worst snow storm for ten years to hit Britain. So how will Nature, fooled into an early spring, cope?” – It will turn up the central heating?
“Alzheimer’s link to a diet high in bad fats” – Bad fats! Naughty fats!
FRIDAY
“Screening delay ‘raises cancer risk’” – Routine smear tests for cervical cancer for women aged between 20 and 24 were cancelled in 2004
“Oh my God! Fergie in fishnets. How long before the wreckers who’ve killed off the Lords turn their guns on the monarchy?” – Tom Utley asks
“National Hypocrisy Service. Why should we have faith in the Health Service when doctors, MPS and unions all choose private care?” – Umm… Because we’re poor and have no choice?
“Call centre boss could die when a telephone rings”
Rich & Thin – Victoria Beckham Makes A Meal Of Spice Girl Reunion
FEBERILE times as Victoria Beckham heads to another restaurant.
In “POSH NOSH”, the Mirror is on hand to see Her Poshness go to the Nobu Berkeley eatery in London’s Mayfair. For this adventure in meal times, Vicky is dressed in “THE FULL WORKS”.
This is Beckham, in “Full glitz” – a leopard print coat on her back, a pair of strappy shoes on her feet, a pot of lippy on her face.
Posh is not dining alone but with former Spice Girls Emma ‘Baby’ Bunton and Geri ‘Ginger’ Halliwell.
For purposes of dining, Bunton wears a “sensible overcoat” and “pleasant dress”. Halliwell sports a “warm duffle”.
There is every reason to believe that both Bunton and Halliwell have eaten before, dressed as they are in easy care and comfortable fabrics. But what can be said of Victoria in her combination of leather and fur?
It pains us to consider the result should Victoria let fall onto her skirt a sliver of raw fish steeped in soy sauce and wasabi or an almost living hunk of wagyu beef in oil. It might be best that Vicky sticks with the steamed endamame bean and cabbage steak.
Of course, we know what is best for Vicky, as the staff at Nobu do. We have seen Vicky and learned to adjust to her foibles.
What of those Americans? If Vicky is to settle in Los Angeles and not end up looking like some under made-up, pasty, overweight sideshow, she needs to form a circle of trust.
But, as the Sun reports, Vicky may be alone over there. The Beckhams have had work permit applications for their entire security team refused by the US border patrol.
This means that the Victoria and David’s eight most loyal and trusting security staff will not be allowed to protect the Beckhams in America.
The simple rule is that US authorities will not grant foreigners a work permit if they believe Americans can do the job.
And surely this is wrong. Granted, American bodyguards can shoot, give chase and get the would be kidnappers in a World Wrestling Federation-style head hold but can they conjure up a watery Matsuhisa Martinis and rice on a wet Thursday night?
The challenge is on…
The Lord & His Shepherd
WHAT is it about learning that Jeffrey Archer lives in a vicarage that causes readers to throw back their heads and snort “Ha!”?
Is finding God the last refuge of the rogue?
There will much debate on this. But before Archer can find God, he is embroiled in a more pressing hunt.
In “Archer’s garden sculptures stolen”, the Mail looks at the shepherd and sheep that once took pride of place in Archer’s spiritual retreat.
The good shepherd and his flock have been stolen. They have strayed from the path at Archer’s Grantchester home.
Lady Archer says she and her husband are “sad and angry” at the theft. Says she: “It was captured on CCTV and it took them two hours to uproot the statues and drive away. It was quite frightening for me because I was in the house at the time.”
Being so close to villains can be no easy thing. The fragrant Mary has done well to muster her courage to speak.
But she can rest assured that the police are onto it. The law always get their man in the end. And this time, Mr and Mrs Archer can rest assured that justice will triumph.
Detective Sergeant Dean Wiffins in on the case, ma’am. Says he: “These sculptures would have needed a large vehicle to move them and I would like to hear from anyone who remembers seeing a van or any suspicious activity in the area on Tuesday evening.”
Nothing gets pass the police. And right it is that making off with a 6ft-tall naked bronze shepherd and assorted metal livestock would have required a generously sized vehicle. If the police require an idea of what a large vehicle looks like they can observe the footage from the Archers’ CCTV camera.
But among this bad news, there is good news. The thieves did not take all of Jeffrey’s garden ornaments. Among items left behind was a sculpture of Lord Archer.
The Lord remains in his kingdom…
Strip Or No Strip – Deal Or No Deal’s Kelly Kay & Mum
“I GOT into topless modelling when I as 19,” says Kelly Kershaw, familiar to men of a certain disposition, Sun readers and her mum Jane as Kelly Kay.
Kelly first came to prominence when she developed a large chest.
But Kelly is not on the Sun’s Page 3, that job falls to another Liverpudlian, one Katie, 21, who says: “It was great to see so many people enjoying the weather, but I felt sorry for those who struggled to get to work.”
Further into the paper, Kelly is in conversation with the Sun about her daytime telly career as a winner on Deal or No Deal.
Mum Jane is £50,000 the richer for the experience of meeting Noel Edmonds. But money was not always so hard to come by and Kelly recalls earning £1,500 a month as a topless – and bottomless – stunna.
And she relives the time she and mum Jane joined forces on film.
“There I was, putting it on for the camera, writhing around and kissing the guys on the shoot and Mum was doing the same,” says Kelly. “It was hysterical.”
Is mum still laughing? “I had the same bust size so I knew what it felt like to have men staring at your cleavage,” says she. “That’s why I wanted to make sure the photoshoot was not pervy.”
As if a video of a busty blonde and her busty blonde mum could ever be perverted. A hint of incest? Never. It is artistic. It is done in the best possible taste.
But why did Jane join do it? Well, there was the cameraman. “He was very complimentary about my looks and figure and straight away asked me if I would be interested in joining in,” explains Jane.
So for £400 mum did it. “The way I saw it,” says Jane, “I go topless on the beach with Kelly so why not do it in front of the camera?”
Why not indeed? And having done the shoot, Jane and Kelly are now as tight as, well, mother and daughter’s knickers. “Kelly and I so everything together,” says mum, words fit for the back of any X-rated video. “We wear the same clothes and recently had our teeth whitened at the same time.”
When Kelly had her breasts reduced, it was not too long before mum was doing the same. “We’ve always shared everything so why stop now?”
It is a good question – one that Kelly’s partner Phill, a roofer, might care to answer…
Posted: 9th, February 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)
Britney Spears’ Naked News
BRITNEY SPEARS is in the bath.
Britney Spears is waiting for her accountant. Her manager. Her publicist. Britney Spears is waiting for her people to arrive.
According to Britney’s former nanny, the singer takes meetings in the bath. So “proud” is Britney of her body that she even greets visitors to her house in the nude.
To the Star (“STRIP ME BABY BUM MORE TIME!”) this is news that Britney is a “secret nudist”. Only, she is not so very secret, not if you angle your camera just right and look up her skirt.
And this is not all. Over in the Sun, readers hear from rap singer Omar “Iceman” Sharif.
The man who brought the world Motherf*cker Lara’s Theme is billed as a friend of Britney’s estranged husband, the rapping ferret that is Kevin Federline.
Says Sharif: “Britney was into threesomes and girls.” Cue a picture of Britney kissing Madonna on stage. “There was tons of porn in the house – but it was mostly Britney’s.”
And when porn was not enough, the claim is that Britney turned to women. Another “insider” says: “Sometimes it was three girls, and sometimes there were more like six. I heard about her being with girls at least 20 times when they were married.”
And where did K-Ferret fit into this tableau of Sapphic love? Another source tells us: “Discreetly, she would ask Kevin to come and join them but he would always deny her. He was just into having sex with her.”
Loyal, trusting, monogamous Kevin. “Kevin just got disinterested in her after a while,” we read. “All she wanted to do was to be with girls.”
Poor Kevin. And poorer still when your realise that the hardman of vermin rap might have been the one who turned Britney to the gay way.
Is this to be K-Ferret’s claim to fame – the man who made Britney gay?
Gina Orr, spokesman for Britney, says not. “It’s not true”, says she. These allegations could be part of a plan to smear Britney in the couple’s divorce battle.
If so, the fight is getting dirty. And Britney’s in the bath, with her people…
Prince Harry’s Retreat
PRINCE Harry Baseball Cap’s preparations for the front line are progressing well.
Young Harry knows that there are bigger fights to fight than the brawl at London’s Mahiki Club.
As Dirk Tourette, he of the Towers of London tribute band, clashes with a clubber (identified as Big Brother star emeritus Donny Tourette in the Mirror), Harry leaves by the back door.
Good training and a sound judgement enable Harry to know which exits to use in a time of high tension and no little danger.
The Sun has a picture of Harry, his cheeks pinched red by the chill night air and the effects of Neptune Bounty – a £50 vodka and rum cocktail delivered in a diver’s helmet and meant to serve eight. He is leaving by the back door.
This is the “HARRIED EXIT” (Mirror). “Prince flees out back as fight erupts in club.” Surely, this is a mistake. Brave is the man who keeps his powders dry. Who among you says Harry is no fighting man? Stand up and make yourself known. If you dare.
Harry may not yet be battle hardened, but he knows to trust his instincts. As we say, there are bigger fights at hand than the spot of handbags between a minor popstar and an unknown other.
But before Harry makes a strategic withdrawal, the Sun delivers a report on his night out.
The evening begins at 5:15pm sharp when the young Blues and Royals officer leaves barracks to watch Brail play Portugal at Arsenal’s stadium. Harry is given a seat in a VIP box and free beer.
At 11:30pm, Harry arrives at the aforementioned Mahiki dance venue. Sah! He converses with Madonna and her husband Mr Guy Ritchie. Sah! Harry smokes cigarettes. And at 3:45 Harry arrives back at barracks. Sah!
Harry’s recce of the local terrain and life is at an end. He writes his report. The papers write theirs.
And Harry waits for his chance against the Taliban…
Michael Barrymore Pie In Elton John Syrup
ANYONE for “Barrymore Pie”?
In PIES AND PREJUDICE”, the Sun looks over the fare on offer at Mad O’Rourke’s Pie Factory.
Why anyone should want to dine at an eatery where the owner uses the epithet “mad” and dishes things up in pie is something worth investigating. But not yet.
For now we are concerned with the Barrymore Pie on sale at the pub at Tipton, West Midlands.
Described as “faggots swimming in gravy”, the pie is named in honour of Michael Barrymore, erstwhile game show host and Big Brother star emeritus.
As the Star reports, this name could be a dig at the matter of Barrymore and Stuart Lubbock, who drowned in the entertainer’s swimming pool in 2001.
Whatever the dish’s etymology, it leaves a nasty taste in the mouth of customer Karin Thompson.
Says she: “It is an offensive use of language – a cheap jibe that is not even funny.”
Pub landlord Peter Towley counters: “It’s been on the menu six years during which time I have had hundreds of thousands of customers and not a single complaint.”
He goes on: “Why don’t these people worry about something like the National Health Service.”
This may be an unfortunate reference, linking as it does the mad pies with sickness. But Pete is in full flow: “I will not bow to this pressure. I sell about 100 Barrymore Pies a week. I suppose I could change its name to Politically Correct Pie.”
Over in the Star, Towler suggests the pie could also be changed to “Elton John Pie”. Interesting. But who wants to find someone else’s hairs in their pie?
Lust In Space
“SHUTTLE astronaut wore nappy in bizarre mission to kidnap love rival.”
The Express’s introduces the “astronaut avenger”. Named Captain Lisa Nowak, this space ranger can be seen in her orange flight suit.
Nowak’s career was “high-flying”. She was cool under pressure. The mother of three was on the up and up and up and up.
And then she met married Space Shuttle pilot Commander William Oefelein. She is said to have become “obsessed” by him. She grew angry when she believed he was seeing US air Force engineer Colleen Shipman.
Armed with a ball bearing gun, pepper spray and knife, a disguised Nowak went to confront her love rival. She drove 1,000 miles from her home in Texas to Orlando, Florida.
And she did this while wearing a nappy.
This is the Sun’s “ASTRONUT”, the woman who dives now just 900 miles. She caught up with Shipman, who was in her car. Nowak tapped on the glass. Shipman wound down her car window. Nowak launched the pepper spray.
But before anything more could be said or done, Shipman sped off and alerted the police.
Nowak was arrested. She was charged with attempted murder. She is now in jail awaiting justice to be done.
This is the Mail and Star’s “Lust in space”, the story of love and jealousy. And nappies.
The Mail says Nowak wore a nappy to save herself from having to stop for the toilet as she drove across five states.
And this is entirely in keeping with her training. We learn that astronauts wear nappies during launches and landings.
It might just be that Nowak has not destroyed just her own life and carer but also the image of the fearless and intrepid space traveller.
There he is. In his nappy.
