Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Nancy’s Girls
NANCY DellOlio was not with the rest of the Wags when they swore at the locals on a night out in Germany.
As a source close to England coach Sven Goran Erikssons main strike partner tells the Mail, Nancy is a sophisticated 40-something, educated woman and has little in common with most of the girls.
Indeed. So while the Wags partied in a restaurant, Nancy sat in a corner of the eatery with her Italian friends. While the Wags endured a bus ride from Nuremburg to Baden Baden, Nancy travelled by chauffeur-driven saloon.
But Nancy should realise that being isolated up front can be dangerous. As the Star says, none other than Ulrika Jonsson is expected in Cologne for tomorrows match between her native Sweden and adopted England.
This leads the Star to talk of a battle between Nancy and one of the women Sven cheated on her with.
If the match fails to excite, the TV cameras can always pan the crowed for signs of an altogether more thrilling sporting contest.
But Nancy should not panic. Ulrika has just branded the Wags a bunch of Waxed, Anorexic, Giggling, Spendaholics.
This should get them on Nancys side. Although the fear is that the girls will take Ulrikas words for praise and fail to support Nancy when it kicks off…
Elen Fire Water
SO far the World Cup has been about football and more football. And thats just fine if you like the stuff.
But when the state of Wayne Rooneys toe is considered controversial you realise how things have gone awry. Wheres the tabloid face of football. Where are the drunken rampages, the fights, the spit roasts? Even the fans have been behaving themselves.
Thankfully, keeping football on the front pages are the so-called Wags, the England players wives and girlfriends.
With the lads tucked up in bed, its been left to the women to show that they can play a more traditional game. And we read on the Suns cover page of: ENGLAND GIRLS CLUB BUST-UP.
Wags lose their rags, says another headline inside the paper. FURY AT GERMAN TAUNTS.
The paper says that while on a boozy night out in Baden Baden, the girls were spotted by a group of local Germans who began taunting them that Germany would win the World Cup.
At first the girls laughed it off. But it was too, too much for Frank Lampards lover Elen Rives.
That it should be she who yelled F*** off to the group is of no little interest. Elen is Spanish by birth, and perhaps felt impelled to lead the counterattack out of a need to fit in with the greater England group.
Whatever the reasons, her carefully chosen words had the desired effect and the Germans stopped having fun. As an onlooker says, they trooped off looking very sheepish.
One-nil to England. And having sworn at the foreigners, we now look forward to the girls taking the game by the scruff of the neck by letting off some fire extinguishers in their hotel, running up huge gambling debts and romping in bed with busty strippers.
A Smallpox On Britain
EVERY day of every week the Mail thinks up imaginative ways to remind you that life is cruel and you are going to experience pain and die.
Here is a selection of things that will kill you and yours from last week’s paper of doom…
MONDAY
“False trails and Keystone Cops raids. Is humiliating our security services the latest Al Qaeda weapon?” – Well, better than bombs, Melanie Philips
TUESDAY
“Sorry Mr Reid, when our streets are no-go zones and our legal system protects thugs we’ve every damn right to moan” – Francis Gilbert moans at Home Secretary John Reid
“Top Gear glorifies speed and aggressive driving’” – The Department of Transport’s Respect on the Road report disapproves of Jeremy Clarkson
WEDNESDAY
“We must live on other planets or be wiped out, says [Stephen] Hawking” – Luckily Mail readers already do
“HOW COULD I DO THIS TO MY BOYS?” As a nurse Jayne Phillips should have known better. But with the debate about childhood obesity raging, she admits, with utter honesty, how she nearly killed her sons by lavishing so much food on them they could hardly stand up” – Or run away from mummy dearest
“Rubbish tax’ would turn countryside into a dumping ground’” – So says retired clergy man, the Reverend Alfred Ridley, who might or might no be an expert on rubbish
THURSDAY
“DNA for smallpox virus available on the Internet” – and there were Mail reader thinking you could only buy Viagra
“I grow more fearful that devolution will lead to the break-up of the UK” – Welcome to Daily Mail Island
“Hospitals may close to solve cash crisis, warns NHS chief” – So says Sir Ian Caruthers, head of the health service
“Cheap parasols that are putting babies in danger” – They don’t keep the sun’s ray’s off
FRIDAY
“Is living on the moon REALLY a lunatic idea” – Not much atmosphere, but then no hoodies, asylum seekers, Big Brother, fizzy bear, Australians…
“Allow too many people in, and the joy of being British is lessened for everyone – black, brown, gentile and Jew alike” – And let’s not forget whites (like the article’s author, Tom Utley)
“Now everyone’s got a get out of jail free card, except the law-abiding” – Well, they wouldn’t need one
“GPs ‘have no confidence in NHS reforms”” – So says Dr Hamish Meldrum, “a leading doctor”
“How ‘boring’ playgrounds drive children to anger” – David Yearly, of the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents, says no fun at the swings means children go looking for danger
“Who did we think we were kidding – Soup plates as land mines, opera glasses to spot the enemy and golf clubs for rifles. A new book reveals how a brave but almost comically unready Britain prepared for repel the Nazi invasion” – Good job we also had lots of real guns and America
SUNDAY
“Why every home in Britain should have a Taser gun” – So says David Davies, Toy MP for Monmouth. Well, a jot of electricity will teach canvasers to knock on our door uninvited
The Sand Catcher
IS pregnant beach girl Britney right to sunbathe? asks the Mail.
Looking at the picture of a voluminous Britney Spears reclining on a Malibu beach, we see the problem. The risk that some caring tree hugger will approach the prone star and roll her back into the waters seem too high.
But the Mail sees more reason for concern than any Save the Whale campaigners causing Britney to drown.
The paper says its 80 degrees on the sands. And hears from Annette Briley, a midwife at Kings College Hospital. She says that heat might not be good for pregnant women. It seems there is evidence that UV rays can break down folic acid in the body. Briley says exposure to the sun increases the risk of developing cholasma, which occurs in darkened spots on the body and face.
But surely in being on the soft sands, Britney negates another problem. The Star revels that she was not alone on the beach but with son Sean Preston.
She is seen holding the little boy on her hip. And if he were to, say, fall to the ground, would the sand not cushion his fall?
Kit ‘N’ Heels
ENGLAND football fans are not all shaven headed and overweight. Really they are not.
The Mirror has photographic evidence to support our theory.
Theres the supporter on the papers Page 3. This fan is female. She has long hair. She wears a pair of tiny white shorts, a red top with the message England rocks on the front and a pair of brown boots. She is, as the Star says, stick thin.
But peer pressure might be beginning to tell, and the Star has a shot of this fan standing with other England supporters as they queue for chips.
And she should eat them quickly. As the Mail says, this fan revealed to be one Victoria Beckham is WASTING AWAY.
Posh is thinner than ever, says the papers headline in a story by its fashion expert Liz Jones – herself an anorexic.
Alongside a shot of Posh in her unofficial footy kit, Liz says she has been trying not to be worried about Victoria Beckham.
But she can stand it no more. Liz has cracked. She is upset by Vickys mostly fake hair. She is unsettled by Vickys totally fake breasts. She is riddled with angst by Vickys Fake Bake tan, false eyelashes and lashings of foundation, concealer and blusher.
And she feels paroxysms of real pain in her caring heart as she spots Vickys positively ill, emaciated look.
But dont worry about Liz upsetting Vicky. As Liz says, What matters to us is the voice in our head telling us we are not good enough.
Liz says Vicky is suffering from low self-esteem. And that will never improve unless she removes herself from everything that is shallow and meaningless.
So says the Mails fashion editor. And so say we all…
Kate Nose
IF Kate Moss had a line of cocaine for every line of copy written about her supposed relationship with the drug, she would be the worlds foremost drugs baron.
Instead, she is a woman who models mobile phones. But this does not stop the papers pushing her to their front pages. BEYOND THE LAW, says the Mail on it cover page. CARRY ON SNORTING, says the Mirror on its.
So united are the papers in their outrage that Kate should escape a rap for those pictures of her chopping a white powder in a London recording studio that the Mail even reproduces the Mirrors infamous front page.
Looking at those pictures, the Mail hears Rene Barclays, the top lawyer at the Crown Prosecution Service, say there was an absolutely clear indication Kate was taking drugs and providing them to others.
He says: However in the absence of any forensic evidence, or direct eye-witness evidence about the substance in question, its precise nature could not be established.
Indeed. For all we know Kate could have been sniffing talcum powder in an attempt to dry up a runny nose. It might have been another drug. We just dont know. She is free to go.
And Kate goes to Claridges Hotel, where the Mail spots her wearing short blue shorts (with turn ups), a black waistcoat, white smock shirt and silk neckerchief.
She looks just great. But her appearance is getting right up some peoples noses.
Lynette Burrows, of Family and Youth concern, is staggered that police did not search Kates house. They let her off because of who she is, she is pretty, she is charming, and she is famous.
Were she less easy on the eye, theyd have thrown the book at her. Tory MP Ann Widdecombe would have been sent down for life without parole.
And here is the substantial Widdecombe telling the Mail the decision not to prosecute Moss for supplying drugs is pathetic and absolute nonsense.
Which makes it not a bit unlike the Mirror and Mails coverage of the matter…
Pregnant Paws
IT was the happiest day of my life and were going to start trying for another baby in a years time. So says Penny Lancaster of the birth of her son Alastair.
And there is more. Penny would like readers of the Mirror to know that she is to be married to Rod Stewart, her sons father.
Rods divorce from Rachel Hunter has come through and Penny can now press on with putting Rod through the rigours of marriage for a third time (he was once married to Alana Hamilton).
And there is still more. Penny is busy with another project. As Penny never tires of telling us, she is a photographer by trade. And next month she is shooting the 2007 PDSA Pet Pawtraits calendar.
Its a very exciting project and my first job since having the baby, says Penny. And who wouldnt be thrilled to take pictures of celebrities and their dogs – celebrities like Elton John and, er, chat show host Trisha Goddard and… Did we mention Elton John?
But such meaningful work does not come without sacrifice. And while Penny says the idea of employing a stranger to bring up my baby is terrible, she concedes eventually I will have to because Rod and I have such busy schedules.
Rods an international singing star in his sixties, and Penny has a wedding to organise and Trisha Goddards dog to capture on film. And then theres that other baby to make…
Honour Among Thieves
WHO says good manners are dead?
Not us. And certainly not the yob who has been robbing shops of their takings in the Greater Manchester area.
Pictured in the Sun wearing a hoodie with the word Yankees written across the front, this is the most polite armed raider in Britain.
Short of holding his weapons of choice a hammer or a knife with the pinkie finger raised, the man in the hood is a paragon of decency.
As he orders staff to empty tills lest their throats be slashed and heads smashed in, our gentleman robber says please. When the job is complete and the money is in his hands (he wears Marigold washing-up gloves) he says thank you.
On one occasion, this modern day Raffles accidentally bumped into a womans child. Sorry, he said. And we believe he was.
But the police are unimpressed. This man used a knife or a hammer to threaten shop staff and onlookers. They were terrified. No amount of pleases, thank yous and sorrys can alter that.
Indeed they cannot. So the police want to catch him and make him really sorry…
Hawking The Moon
YESTERDAY Steven Hawking told us that we should think about moving to the moon or Mars.
Hawking had done his sums and realised that planet Earth is in danger.
Of course, anyone who reads the Mail knew this already. You dont need to be a scientist with a massive brain to know that we are going to hell in a handcart driven by a bogus asylum seeker off his face on fake Viagra and crystal meth? You only need to read the Mail.
So while the Sun wonders what a human settlement on the moon would look like (think Little House on the Prairie with less grass and ginger children), the Mail spots Francis Williams, The £4m moon man.
Though not wearing a shiny suit and syrupy grin, Francis (dressed in a space suit) is an estate agent. His company sells plots on the moon for £20 an acre.
In the past four years, Francis and his wife Sue have sold 200,000 acres, earning them a £400,000 profit.
There have been so many horror stories about earth and global warming, says Francis. We are simply offering the chance to live on another planet.
And who would not want that? So come on, Mail readers, get buying. Although some of you may live on another planet already…
Fashion Lines
THE First Law of Kate Moss says that hacks must include in their reports a full list of what the model is wearing.
And the Mirror does not disappoint. The papers law-abiding 3AM Girls tell us that while out in Londons up-and-coming Kentish Town, Kate wore a black trilby, sexy beige shorts and lace up boots.
This is interesting and vital stuff, not least because we believe it to be the first recorded instance of beige being seen as sexy.
The Second Law of Kate Moss says that the somewhere in the piece the dutiful scribe should include a mention of cocaine or on one of its derivatives.
So listen up as the 3AM Girls tell us that while still dressed in that sexy beige, Moss visited a cafe and ordered a large white roll with tuna, mayonnaise and sweetcorn and a full-fat Coke.
You half expect the headline to scream Moss Does Coke, and shame on the Mirror for missing this opportunity to shock.
But, of course, Moss does not take cocaine. She may not have ever taken the stuff. As the Sun says, those infamous shots of Moss chopping up line of white powder in a London recording studio are not proof of her dalliance with the narcotic.
In legal terms, pictures of drug abuse are not considered evidence of possession. And because Moss admitted to nothing when interviewed by police, the investigation – which the Sun says cost £200k – is at an end.
Leaving Moss to jump for joy and click the heels on her black and green Jimmy Choos…
Oldest Swingers In Town
CONSIDER life insurance.
Its good advice. For anyone thinking of dying, life insurance is a neat way of ensuring your survivors have enough money to bury you in something other than a coffin made from egg boxes.
The Dad Pack, a set of advice cards produced by the Department for Education, offers some terrific tips on parenting.
The Playground, says one card. Theres no place like it, for exploring, swinging and meeting people. Great for both of you.
While dads shower, put on their best underwear and get ready to swing, the Mail hears some the other advice: Dont have an affair.
Curses! Never mind. Theres always the slide…
Moving Up
LOOK beyond that compact and bijou starter home on the fringes of Slough. Look to the moon.
Thats where Stephen Hawking, the astrophysicist, and just about the most famous scientist around, says we should all think of moving to.
Life on Earth is at the ever-increasing risk of being wiped out by a disaster, such as sudden global warming, nuclear war, a genetically engineered virus or other dangers we have not yet thought of.
While Hawking gets back to his copy of the Mail and looks for new ways to die, we turn to the paper of mass destruction and learn more.
Those of you looking to relocate from Earth should know that, We wont find anywhere as nice as Earth unless we go to another star system.
What that will do to the school run, we can only wonder at. And for something closer to the station and with better parking, Hawking says the moon has everything we need water was recently located at the moons poles.
And thats great. The only problem is that, as everyone who saw an astronaut stick the flag in knows, the moon is a de facto American possession. And it wont be habitable until theres a Starbucks on every crater…
Sue & Cry
HEATHER Mills McCartney will sue all parties who are intent on damaging her reputation.
And to avoid any confusion, let us say this is Heathers reputation for being a really good egg and a friend to seals.
She has no interest in the vicious, untrue and defamatory allegations that are causing her to have a new reputation as an, alleged, former high-class call-girl.
In which case we will not dwell on the Mirrors news that a third set of pornographic pictures of Paul McCartneys estranged wife have emerged.
We will just repeat the papers assertion that Heather will sue the red leather pants off a certain downmarket newspaper (believed to be the News of the World). The Mirror says that legal proceedings will begin only when Heathers divorce was finalised.
Why wait? Sue them now. Who knows, in proving herself to be an honest and pure woman as if proof were needed Heather may be reconciled with Paul.
Who, if hes seen the recent pictures of his fragrant wife, may be upset at what he is missing…
Speck-ham
IT was meant to be funny and should not have been taken so seriously.
Its back to smile school for Herr Tobias Holtkamp, the journalist at German tabloid Bild who went in with his studs up on the family Beckham.
The English translation makes it sound much worse than I intended, says the man the Sun calls a blond geek.
Granted, things can alter in translation. When the hunk in trunks that is David Hasselhoff sang I paid a lot of dues/ had plenty to lose/ travelling across the land/ Worked on a farm/ got some muscle in my arms Germans heard an order to tear down the Berlin Wall. Native English speakers just heard soft rock and the squeak of chest hair on shiny leather.
And Holtkamp is happy to tell us how things got lost in translation in his article. In German, says he, speck was used as a play on words which means that you have a big stomach and you are overweight. I did not mean to say she [Joanne Beckham] looked like a pig.
And in case the Sun cant see the value in puns and word play, Holtkamp reminds it and us that his is a funny column in a tabloid. It was not supposed to be a personal attack.
Resisting the urge to rebrand Holtkamp as Meinkampf or Concentrationkamp and so display its own quick way with words, the paper prefers to hear what David Beckham thinks of it.
As does the Star, which says its a krautrage. In the Mirror, Beckham says: I dont want to give these people more publicity then theyve already had…Im not accepting it but you have to realise there are some people out there who are a little bit sad.
Which translates roughly into German as: I hope we beat them on penalties and they all end up speaking French…
Visiting Hours
WHAT do we make of Heather Millss midnight dash to the London home of her estranged husband Sir Paul McCartney?
The Mirror says it is her first visit to the townhouse since the couple split last month, although the two have spoken regularly on the phone since then.
And just last week the 38-year-old ex-model visited the 63-year-old ex-Beatle in his East Sussex house in what observers suggest is an attempt to thrash out a divorce settlement.
Or perhaps in light of recent allegations about how Heather used to make her money before she married it, there is more to these visits than meets the eye?
At £2,000 a night, we estimate Heather would need to make another 200,000 or so of these nocturnal visits to earn half her husbands fortune.
Thats every night for 565 years…
Tanning Policy
WHAT little of your tax is left from the prize fund at the annual Civil Service Naked Breakdancing Competition is at least being put to good use.
The Sun says for the past six weeks we have been paying for Tracey Temple, otherwise known as John Prescotts ex-mistress, to get a suntan.
And judging by the results published in this mornings paper, this is one Government initiative that has delivered results.
The paper says the 43-year-old, who is currently on gardening leave, was seen sporting a deep tan outside her home in Hampshire.
Playing strip croquet with a fat little man in his Y-fronts…
Naked Civil Servants
AS farmers waited for cash, staff leapt from filing cabinets in the nude.
Others held a breakdancing competition rather than tackle the backlog of Single Farm Payments.
In the toilets, couples had sex; they brawled in reception, took drugs and vomited in plastic cups (leaving the evidence to fester in cupboards until the smell became too offensive).
Another day at the normally sedate Rural Payments Agency in Newcastle, according to a whistleblower who has written to his local paper to complain about the level of depravity that is tolerated in his office.
He is not as appalled, however, as the Mail, which is seething that taxpayers money should be used for something as obscene as EU subsidies.
Let the naked romps continue…
Suspend Jade
YOU may not have noticed as temperatures soared and all eyes were on Englands World Cup heroines but the humble stocking n suspenders are under threat.
So much so that the Star has been forced this morning to launch an unprecedented front-page campaign to reclaim our sussies.
And it is not the Germans this time who are responsible for the attack on this sartorial staple but, we are sad to say, one of our own Jade Goody.
The paper says it was forced to act after the countrys most famous kebab-eater was seen spilling out of a pair at her recent 25th birthday party.
Had this been the Mail, we would have seen this as the transparent excuse to publish lots of pictures of semi-naked girls that it would have been.
But the Star is made of better stuff and would only employ pictures of scantily clad Jennifer Ellison in a good cause.
Germany Attacks!
ALL it shows is how much Germany fear facing England after the group stage.
So a team insider tells the Star after downmarket German tabloid Bild had the nerve to attack our star player…and her family.
BLITZKRIEG! Multi-talented Victoria Beckham is described as a trophy wife.
DOODLEBUG! Brooklyn and Romeo are called zwerge (dwarves) and Posh is accused of dressing her youngest son as a girl.
LEBENSRAUM! Victorias sister-in-law Joanne is chubby. Arms, bust, bum, all very British, it says. Joanne is the sort of girl who drinks sangria on the beach in Majorca. And then dances on a table with her top off.
MEIN KAMPF! Victorias mother-in-law has a peasant smile, is an ex-hairdresser and vilest of vile slurs is a Robbie Williams fan.
However, the vile attack from what the Sun refers to as the sleazy paper appeared yesterday to have backfired.
Victoria and her team ignored it like the consummate professionals they are and carried out with what they are in Germany for shopping.
The Mirror watches some of the younger squad members spend £4,000 in an hour of a group shopping trip in Baden Baden.
Sadly, they faded alarmingly after that with only Coleen McLoughlin able to sustain the pace in the searing afternoon heat.
Paying The Price
HEATHER: IM NOT A PROSTITUTE.
Thats the news on the front page of the Mirror. The paper hears a distraught Heather Mills McCartney wail: Im no prostitute.
We read that Heather spent an hour talking to her estranged husband Paul McCartney about allegations that she had been paid thousands of pounds to sleep with rich Arabs.
We could work out how much an hour of Heathers time is worth, but to do so would be crass, insensitive and wrong. Heather has told Paul there is no truth in the claims that she has had sex for money.
The Sun, which has published shots of Lady Mucca posing in a porn book, says Paul is in AGONY over the news.
And what news it is. The Sun repeats the claims made by prostitute Denise Hewitt in the News of the World that she and Heather had a threesome with a member of the Saudi royal family.
While we digest this revelation, and shake out heads as another Hewitt tells all about sex with royals, ex-prostitute Petrina Montrose says she and Heather had a three-girl orgy with an Arab prince in the Dorchester Hotel, London.
I knelt facing Heather and we performed a sex act on the prince, says Petrina breathlessly. Heather was a familiar face in our business.
And arms dealer Adnan Khashoggis former private secretary, Abdul Khoury, says Heather has repeatedly lied about her past. She was a hooker. I know. I paid her.
What this makes the whistle blowing PA is a moot point – and perhaps it makes him something worse than Heather. But still Heather denies all allegations.
Perhaps they are all lying. And we wonder why it is only now we are hearing these salacious tales?
The Mail hears Heathers lawyers say the allegations have been timed to cause her maximum hurt. Why is it that we never heard these stories when Paul and Heather were happily married?
The last thing Heather wants is to be branded a prostitute as she works out a divorce settlement with Paul. Although given her alleged former rates, she should still make a tidy sum…
Ladies Night
THE hangover from Englands weekend opener can be felt in the Sun.
England get through… says the papers front-page headline …7 BOTTLES OF CHAMPAGNE, 12 BEERS, 9 VODKA RED BULLS, 14 VODKA AND LEMONADES, 4 SAMBUCA SHOTS, 1 BACARDI AND COKE, 5 LIQUEURS.
No wonder England were rubbish in the second half of their game against Paraguay, you say. Lets hope in their next match they just suck oranges at half-time.
But you are mistaken. This is not what the team quaffed but how their girlfriends celebrated the lads 1-0 victory.
The Sun sees the group the Mail dubs the WAGS (Wives And Girlfriends) partying the night away at the Garibaldi Bar in downtown Baden Baden.
There are Wayne Rooneys fiancée Coleen McLoughlin, Steven Gerrards wife Alex Curran and Theo Walcotts teenage lover Melanie Slade dancing on the tables.
In all there were about ten England girls in the bar, including Coleens 44-year-old mum Collette and Joe Coles lover Carly Zucker.
And the happening has caused no little controversy. Whereas the Sun spots vodkas and lemonades, the Mirror, which also see the girls bar bill (reproduced for their readers perusal), sees lemon vodkas.
These things are quite different – one is lemonade and vodka, the other a lemon flavoured vodka.
And why is it that the Sun makes no mention in its list of 3 packets of cigarettes, as the Mirror does?
Does the Sun want to bury the news that the wives and lovers of our elite athletes smoke the evil weed?
Or are all the ciggies for Frank Lampards girl Elen Rives, who, given her yellowy complexion on the Suns cover page, where she is pictured holding a lit fag, may well have puffed the lot?
We demand to know the truth…
Jack Him In
FOR those of you unable to make it to Baden Baden to party with the England footballers wives and girlfriends last Saturday, there was always Jades 25th birthday party.
The Sun was at this do, a tarts and vicars-themed party at Tantra in Londons Soho.
And it was not a little unlike the England shindig as Jade, dressed in a skimpy black negligee, showed lots of tanned flesh. She even climbed onto a table for a dance. And showed everyone her knickers. (Eat yer heart out, Victoria Beckham.)
But it was not all fun and happiness. The Star notes that Jades 18-year-old lover Jack Tweedy flouted the dress code and turned up dressed in a dark suit.
Back in the Sun, we hear Jade and a pal gossiping about moody Jack. You know what I think, says Jades mate, I wouldnt **** on him if he was on fire. Hes a total loser and the sooner you realise that for yourself the better.
The paper says this is an example of Jade being consoled. In which case we urge this unnamed pal to go into the therapy game where she will be nothing less than a sensation.
Tub Of Love
LOTTE IS HOT FOR HER GAV.
So says the Star. The paper has a shot of Charlotte Church (black bikini) standing alongside boyfriend Gavin Henson (black shorts, orange skin).
And the news is that the singer has paid £8,000 for a spa tub for her back garden.
A source says the hot tub can accommodate eight people – but she really bought it for her and Gavin.
Sadly, for anyone keen to see the couple using the bath, the Sun says it is tucked away in area of Charlottes garden where cameras cannot penetrate.
But the paper knows what its readers want and mocks up a picture of what the pair may look like in their new tub.
In this shot, Gavin looks toward the camera, while Charlotte studies his back, focusing on something.
What this something might be, the Sun does not say. And until some intrepid paparazzo dives under the foamy waters, we may never know…
A Polish Apple A Day
A LOOK at the things that will kill you and yours from last weeks Mail – the paper of doom…
Monday
Why English apples are under threat Asylum seekers? MRSA? No. Polish farmers, who are selling their apples cheaper
Postcode lottery fears over cancer drug that could save hundreds – Herceptin, the cancer wonder drug, might not be available to everyone
Millions in danger from the chip and pin cards fraudsters Experts say the new system if flawed
According the legend, tomorrow is the day of the Devil and will trigger the end of the world. Superstitious hokum? Hollywood hype? Or should we really prepare for the worst? Can things get any worse?
DEATH BY SNACK ATTACK- Britons eat more than half the crisps consumed in Europe. Our children eat 25 times as many sweets as in 1950. The shocking truth about the snack addiction thats slowly killing us Surely the preservatives will keep us alive?
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TUESDAY
Consultants cant get jobs because of NHS cash crisis So says Bernhard Ribero, president of the Royal College of Surgeons
Doctor was too busy moaning about Blair to notice womans fatal illness Surely the headline of the year?
The supersize wine glasses that lure you into addiction – The new 175ml glass (instead of the old 125ml standard) is a bad things, says Nick Gully, of the Priory Clinic
Shoppers who hate the sight of meat. Children who think ham comes from cows and vegetarians who treat turkeys like people. How squeamishness and sentimentality are destroying the way Britain eats Were too busy eating crisps and sweets
As research show its not just women whose fertility fails with age…Sorry chaps, YOUR clock is ticking too! – Did anyone tell Des OConnor?
The truth about that FAMOUS five Were told we must eat five portions of fruit and veg a day. But what DOES it means? Er… Can you repeat the question?
I knew giving birth would be painful but I didnt expect to be left in a wheelchair One womans story of birth
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THURSDAY
Pension reforms to leave poor worse off So says Opposition MPs
TRULY HAIR-RAISING! Polyester or plucked from the heads of Russian girls, extensions are the new must-have for women who want to look like the stars. But as Jennifer Aniston says they nearly ruined her locks, we ask just how safe are they
It was a dads final wish a green funeral in a cardboard coffin…until it all started going horribly wrong Going green meant burying dad with dead pets
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FRIDAY
Ambulance on safely visit kills boy of two at nursery
TV Show & Wine
F**K yourself. Thats what the Mirror says Sir Cliff Richard hissed in Gordon Ramsays ear. We have consulted our Bible and can find no mention of the F-word therein. Cliff seems to be speaking off the cuff. He is not his usual pious self. And what brought about this change in him? Why, it is none other than foul-mouthed celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay…
The Mirror says that Cliff broke when Gordon pulled a stunt on him.
Having invited the preachy pop star to take part in a wine tasting challenge for his TV show the F Word, Ramsay presented Cliff with a selection of plonk.
He thought that one of the wines was amazing, says Gordon. Of course it was, it was £400 a bottle.
He then offered Cliff a bottle priced at £12.99. On tasting it, Cliff said: Its rubbish! I wouldnt pay for that. Its tainted, it tastes like vinaigrette. Id never even buy that.
To which Gordon replied: Cliff, thats your wine. Cliff, who owns a vineyard in Portugal and produces rubbish under the Vida Nova label, was not pleased to have been caught out. Cue the expletive.
For anyone wishing to try the wine, Gordon says it is now being served in the vinaigrette at one of his eateries…
