Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Can’t Buy Me Love
ON the font page of the Mirror, Paul McCartney holds up two fingers.
At first glance it looks like a V for victory salute. It is only when you place the gesture in context that you realise it might just be Paul telling his lawyers how many hundreds of millions to give his estranged wife Heather.
Having seen the pictures of a younger Heather modelling baby oil and its uses for a German adult self-help manual, youd forgive Paul for giving anything to get rid of his wife of four years.
But it seems not. The Mirror says Paul wants everyone to leave her alone. LET HER BE! says the headline.
So worried about Heather is Paul that he calls her up six times a day. Whether Paul is speaking words of wisdom is a moot point. But a pal tells the paper that Paul told him: Im really worried about her. Shes in pieces.
Indeed she is. And resisting all temptation to mention Heathers leg, we note that Paul is still wearing his gold wedding ring.
It appears that he has not yet moved on. I cant believe the cruelty towards her, says Paul. He adds: Theres nothing in her past I dont know about. Nothing.
That position will be tested in the coming weeks when the divorce lawyers start digging, and a curly haired male mo-del sells his story to top-shelf titles…
Going Dutch
THE repackaging of Ronan Keating goes on.
Earlier in the week, we heard that the former Boyzone singer had taken drugs.
I think people would be shocked if they heard Ronan Keating took drugs, said Ronan. I was a bit naive towards them. I was afraid that Id be the unlucky one. Between you and me Ive tried it (dope). We went to Holland, as everyone does, we tried it. I have to say it wasnt for me. I didnt enjoy it.
That Ronan should equate a trip to Holland with trying drugs makes us wonder how far he immersed himself in the Dutch way.
Did Ronan go for full Dutch experience and hire a prostitute? Did he return from his trip laden down with tulip bulbs and large round cheeses? Did he marry a homosexual?
While we ponder just how native Ronan went in Amsterdam, we wonder what it is about London that has caused the former Boyzone singer to stick his head between his wife Yvonnes breasts.
The Sun has a shot of the Irish crooner leaving an awards do in London. Opening his mouth in the manner of an excited terrier, Ronan smiles and falls into his wifes cleavage.
What happened next we are not told but we imagine that he started talking about threepenny bits and grumbling about Ken ruddy Livingstone and Chelsea…
Come & Ave A Go
WHEN Ricky Gervais took on Anthea Turners orange-hued husband Grant Bovey in a televised fight, it was briefly exciting.
With so many celebrities now at large, here was a chance for a cull. Would the winner force the beaten out of the celebrity game? Would they fight to the death?
There was no blood spilled that night. But after what Gervais called his gruesome victory, we have never seen Bovey in the pages of OK! again.
Mindful of this we read the Mirrors front-page news that singer Charlotte Church promises to do Cheryl Tweedy, a fellow singer and full time footballers girlfriend. Ill do you! says the headline.
Inside the paper, we hear Charlotte say that she is out to get Cheryl. I think she needs to grow up and get a hobby golf or something, but stop having a go at me cos its getting pathetic, says Charlotte. First of all, it was quite funny but now its just pathetic and Im going to knock her out if I ever see her.
This is fighting talk. And to put it in some kind of context, the Mirror looks back at the making of a bout.
Round 1: Cheryl accuses Charlotte of copying her band, Girls Aloud. She also thinks Charlottes boyfriend, the Bovey-coloured rugby player Gavin Henson, looks like a girl. Whats more, Charlotte is not even gorgeous.
Round 2: Charlotte, the Voice of An Angel, responds: Look love, when you can sing f***ing Ave Maria, then you can have a go.
Wed wager that reality TV show product Cheryl cannot sing Ave Maria. But she can sing Its the sound of the underground/ The beat of the drum goes round and round and wear knickers on stage.
Round 3: Charlotte advertises crisps. Stuffing her face? asks Cheryl. Very appropriate.
And so to the fight. The Star asks Charlotte who would win. I couldnt possibly say, says Charlotte, looking not a little unlike the aforesaid Gervais…
Daddy Knows Best
Richard has a nice wonky-toothed English smile, eyes that sparkle like a glass of Asti Spumante and dimples reminiscent of Jade Goody in her pomp.
And Richard has every reason to be proud. He has survived the ordeal of labour. And in the Mirrors piece (Dads IN THE delivery room) a fully recovered Richard tells us what its like being there.
Richard says a man can give emotional support at the birth. A man is useful. A man can talk to the woman as she writhes in the throes of labour, begging for drugs and for the agony to end.
And to give us an idea of the kind of reassurance Richard gave his wife Mandeep, how he eased her pain, he says: Both parents invest their genetic input into a baby, so its a shame to think that the man could be thought of as surplus.
Indeed. Richard has a vital role to play. Who needs drugs when you can listen to your man talking about genetic surplusezzzzzzzzz…
Bad Omens
Well, not all. As the Sun reports, on the sixth day of the sixth month of the sixth year 6-6-6 Damien entered the world.
Weighing six lb six oz, and born six days after special needs teacher Suzanne Cooper was induced, Damien entered the world.
Suzanne, revealed by the Mirror as a fan of horror movies, was inspired to name her boy Damien after the lead character in the movie The Omen.
Suzanne says her little antichrist is nothing like the Devils spawn. That remains to be seen, and we wish her well. And we pray for Bobby McIntyre.
As the Sun reports, on 6-6-6 at 6.06am, Bobby arrived. I just know everyone is going to call him The Devil Child, says worried dad Ben.
And they might. It could cause problems – especially when it comes to finding the little horror a nanny…
Hen House
This question appears in the Star. And we want you to guess the answer. Is it a) a date with Page 3 stunna Nikkkiii; b) a round of applause; or c) Kentucky Fried Chicken?
Bearing in mind this is HUMAN RIGHTS MADNESS, our hearty congratulations go to all you who answered c.
The Mail takes up the story of Barry Chambers. And it gets more specific, telling us that this was no ordinary KFC but an entire bargain bucket of the stuff. Chambers was also given a 2-litre bottle of Pepsi and a packet of cigarettes. The bag of goods was delivered by hydraulic crane. Its FINGER NICKIN GOOD, says the Mirrors headline.
That it might be. But how did Chambers get to be atop a Gloucester roof eating fried chicken and chips?
The Mirror says that Chambers was travelling in a suspected stolen car in the early hours of yesterday morning. Police stopped the vehicle. They apprehended two men, but chambers ran off. He then climbed on to the roof of a three-storey house. And here he stayed.
A spokesman for Gloucester Police tells the Mail: Although hes on the roof being a nuisance [see pictures of him throwing tiles], we still have to look after his well-being and human rights.
So it goes. And we read that at the time of writing, Chambers remains on the roof, as flightless as one Colonel Sanders battered birds.
And every bit as doomed…
Der Mascot
As the Mirrors front page says, today is the day when the finest medical brains look at Wayne Rooneys foot and say whether or not he is fit to play in the World Cup.
These are exciting times. Especially for Louis Moffat. Hes the little flame-haired, freckly six-year-old who won a competition organised by McDonalds to be a World Cup mascot.
I have been telling everyone I would be a mascot for England, says he. I had been looking forward to meeting the team.
Had? Whats changed? Louis has already met Englands World Cup hero Geoff Hurst at a McDonalds restaurant to collect his prize. The Mail says Louis was given the impression he would be an England mascot.
But it is not to be. Instead of England, Louis will be holding hands with a German as he takes part in one of the host nations matches.
This is bad news. And to show how bad it is the Mail has a picture of Louis looking pretty sick as he sits swathed in the German flag.
And while Louis gets ready to belt out Uber Alles, readers are introduced to Connor Gray. Hes the little lad who won the right to be a mascot at the World Cup Final.
And like Louis and that German flag, Connor looks pretty miserable as he poses for the cameras in an England kit. Connor, also aged six, is a half-Russian Scot who supports Ukraine.
Im so excited, says he. But I dont want England in the final.
And the best way to guarantee that they wont be is to stamp on Wayne Rooneys foot…
Addicted To Love
For anyone whos not been paying attention, Russell is the gauche TV presenter of a Big Brother magazine show.
He is also Kate Mosss post-Pete Doherty squeeze. Or was? As with Pete, its hard to know if Russell is dating Kate or not.
Having been spotted leaving Kates home after nights of passion, Russell is reported to have said: Forget Kate, shes irrelevant. I prefer women with a bit of meat on them anyway.
Kate is far from an irrelevance. Had it not been for her, the only people whod know Russell would be Big Brother fans keen to discuss the finer points of Shahbazs socks in a TV studio, the bed bound and the institutionalised.
When we read that before Kate, Russells conquests included Kate Lawler, Makosi Musambasi and Becki Seddiki (all Big Brother contestants) we get an insight into what kind of company he is used to keeping.
And now we know more about him. Having once been addicted to heroin, crack and booze, Russell talks about his passion for sex.
He says that resisting the urge to bed every woman he meets is a habit harder to kick than heroin. I have put myself at considerable risk, says he, sleeping with the sisters of friends, partners of relatives, prostitutes and women who are clearly mad.
He says his behaviour has been diagnosed as compulsive and dangerous.
Character traits that may or may not be helping Kate get over Pete…
Self Help Books
The curly hair, the pouting chest and the Germanic bent suggests that the man could be David Hasselhoff, or at least related to the saviour of the Western world.
Very soon we will find out because the Sun says the man who stars in Die Freuden der Liebe (The Lovers Guide) is to tell all.
This is, as the Suns front page says, a NEW BLOW FOR HEATHER. The man (lets resist the urge to call him Helmut) is said by the paper to be planning to get rich off his revelations.
Far be it from us to comment, but perhaps Helmut (we give in) could have made more from his foray into adult education self-help books had he offered to sell his secrets to mega-rich Paul McCartney and his fragrant wife.
This opinion is given added weight by the Suns news that in light of Heathers artistic past, her divorce settlement could be slashed.
Things are looking a little messy for Heather. Can she recover from Helmuts news that after the cameras stopped clicking they had passionate sex?
And then there is the news that top shelf mens magazines intend to publish some of the filthiest images from this photo shoot.
Heather plans to survive her ordeal. She will tell her side of the story in an interview with American chat show host Larry King.
A source says that Heather has been approached by a string of British journalists for interview, but has opted for an American because she believes she will get a smoother ride.
And all the smoother for German baby oil – no Helmut should be without it
Real Stars
The Star has a picture of Lucy looking busty and chuffed as she accepts the joyous news from the shows host Kate Thornton.
While beaten Radio One DJ Chris Moyles tells the Sun, Its a fix, Lisa looks forward to a career in more celebrity singing contests and, who knows, maybe even Eurovision.
I cant believe it, says Lucy in the Star, it is just the best. She goes on: Its a massive achievement from not singing a note to winning the competition.
She is not wrong. It is. Lucy is an untalented singer. She epitomises a new trend in broadcasting the successful wannabe.
If a reality TV nobody can make it, then why not a woman who has appeared in a primetime soap opera? If Jade Goody can be professionally likeable and rubbish, why cant Lucy?
But fair is fair if professional actress Lucy is going to be a reality TV star, then the untrained wannabes should get a go at being a soap actor.
And judging by the quality of some performances on EastEnders, Hollyoaks and more, they already have…
Picture Postcard
Had Vincent Van Gogh painted a couple more Irises in his famously expensive painting (sold at auction for $49 million in 1987) would it have been worth more? What about a bigger vase?
Would Pablo Picassos Garçon à la pipe, the most expensive painting ever sold at auction, be worth more than the $104.1 million it went for had the young smoker been puffing on an entire pack of fags, rather than just a slim pipe?
And imagine what JMW Turners Blue Rigi: Lake of Lucerne, Sunrise would have gone for had it been bigger.
The Mail says the painting has sold for more than £5.8million at Christies in London. This is a record for a British watercolour. It also means the picture is worth £64,000 per square inch.
As the paper tells us, the work measures just 11¾in by 7¾in.
The 1842 painting is small. But Noel Annesley, a director at Christies, wants us to look at its details. Never mind the length, get a load of that texture. He says it shows technique of almost unimaginable subtlety.
Indeed, it is a nice little picture. But does it come in a large?
Devil Of A Day
June is worried because today is 6/6/6. This, as the Mail tells it readers, is the Devils number. The number of the beast is 666.
For good measure, it is also Junes 66th birthday. She was born at 6am weighing 6lb 6oz. June is worried.
And she tells us of a chilling premonition. When my mother was alive she told me on that day I should not get in the car or even go out.
This is a warning Mail readers can relate to – what with the hoodies, knifers, asylum seekers, mad mullahs and so much more at large, no-one should ever go out. It is just not safe.
But there is worse for June. She says her mother always said, Watch that date with a strange look on her face.
June continues: She accurately predicted by fathers death and the death of my husband so Im not taking any chances.
Sounds wise. While police open a file on Junes mother, and bodies are excavated, the Mirror says this is a day for devilish deeds.
It dresses a keen reporter up as the Devil red face, horns, cape and unleashes him on the world.
But no-one is shocked. Weve all seen far worse. He would have looked more terrifying had they just stuck him in a hood or a Burberry baseball cap…
Adult Education
And Paul McCartney agrees. As the Sun reports on its front page (Macca agony at lady Mucca), before seeing the pictures and learning what his wife got up in the company of a curly-haired man back in the 1980s, he was ignorant and uneducated.
The paper says that Paul had no idea the woman he married four years ago had such a sordid past. But, as we say, the book is an education and Paul is now fully boned up on the facts.
Not that the work should be seen as a text book. This is because it contains no words. Maybe they do things differently in Germany, says Robert Page, the man who created the Lovers Guide, available in DVD, video and CD-ROM.
Maybe they do. Doubtless a few thousand England fans travelling to the World Cup in that fair land will put the theory to the test. And their selfless research might offer some comfort to Paul.
But for now the Mail says Paul is mortified, deeply depressed and unhappy. As a pal of his tells the paper: He bitterly regrets marrying Heather Mills and dragging his children into this awful situation.
Its been an education…
A Wing & A Prayer
Its the Mails Metatarsal Miracle. No, make that the THE GREAT METATARSAL MIRACLE. The Mail feels a need to differentiate between this miracle and that other miracle.
It was way back in 2002 when David Beckham and his metatarsal answered a nations prayers. Let that be known as the AMAZING Metatarsal Miracle.
For this is the truly great event. And the Mail pours over it in no small detail.
Theres Wayne enjoying a gentle jog with the England team physiotherapist Gary Lewin. Wayne then gives a ball a tentative kick. He then hits another one harder. Confidence surging through his frame, Wayne throws his weight behind a full-blooded volley. He rises in the air like a young heifer on springs and slams the ball refulgently into an empty net.
Yesss! Wayne raises his arms out and high in the manner of Jesus Christ, or David Beckham. He looks to the sky, ecstasy writ across his face.
But unlike the rest of us, Waynes dream of scoring for his country and winning the World Cup can become a reality.
And the Star looks on as Wayne and the rest of the team board a plane at Luton Airport and fly to Germany.
The Sun spots an engagement ring on young Waynes finger, leading to suggestions that he and Coleen McLoughlin are to be married.
But before we can ask, Wayne has gone. He is now in Baden Baden, Germany, where prayer cannot reach him…
Pain Killers
Here is a selection of things that will kill you and yours from last weeks paper of doom…
The lawyers are destroying not only marriage…but our very sense of justice Melanie Phillips prepares us for another terrible week
Whether you sunbathe, use sunbeds or fake it, is there any such thing as a safe tan? To tan or not to tan? Bronzed skin may be hot property, but we reveal the real cost of a healthy glow The Mail comes over all health and safety
THE SHADOW OF THE KNIFE Knife crime is up and we are all as good as dead
The nation of knives More of the same
Bodies may be buried standing up as space runs out in cemeteries No rest even in death
Cash crisis threatens 4,000 doctors jobs So says a survey by the Conservative Party
HEART WARNING OVER PAIN KILLER Study by British Medical Council says pain killers can double the risk of a heart attack in some patients
Dummy makes baby too lazy to breastfeed So suggests a team at the Joanna Briggs Institute, Adelaide
Mile High Club
And so we enter the world of Peter Doherty. The pop f***wit is on the Mirrors front page after his exploits aboard an easyJet flight.
Pete and his Babyshambles band were travelling to perform at the Primavera Festival in Barcelona.
The story goes that during the flight Pete made his way to a toilet cubicle. Suspicions were aroused when he had been in there for a fill 15 minutes.
When he finally emerged, the Sun says passengers saw him collapse into his seat dribbling at the mouth. The paper hears from fellow passenger Steve Reed, Labour leader of Lambeth Council, London. Says he: Pete staggered out of the loo with a brown belt on his left arm like a tourniquet…a little girl near him started crying. He was like a monster.
If there is anything worse than being near an, allegedly, stoned pop star on a plane, it is sitting next to someone elses screaming child. It sounds just horrible.
And seeing Pete, and fearing the worst, staff entered the loo and discovered a blood-covered syringe.
Having checked the walls for signs of Petes famous artwork (he claims to paint with blood), the staff contacted police in Spain.
The Star says that on arrival, the plane was held on the runway. Police came on board and began searching everyones luggage.
A spokesman for the airline says: Unfortunately, members of the Doherty party began throwing their bags around and swapping bags and would not identity which bags were which.
The Mirror says after the melee had died down, police found methadone, the heroin substitute, in Petes bags and took the singer and four of his companions away for questioning.
But no arrests were made. Pete and his team of wannabe baggage handlers were free to go.
Although not by easyJet- the airline has banned Pete from using their service for life.
However long or short that life may be…
The Royal Robot
Having already staged the kidnapping of David Beckham for a TV show, we wonder if Ferdinand has just played another of his hilarious tricks on the future king, perhaps turning up at the England training ground in a battered white Fiat Uno or threatening to shoot Wills with a pistol? Happily not all the England team share Ferdinands unique brand of humour and on opening the paper we see that Wills is laughing at Peter Crouch.
Crouch, the lanky 6ft 7in England striker who looks like the result of an assignation between Rodney Trotter and an underfed giraffe, is amusing William and his team-mates with his now trademark robot dance.
Having danced the demented android after scoring for England against Hungry and at the Beckhams pre-World Cup party, Crouch now performs his routine for Prince William.
Can you do the Crouch, Wills? asks the Mail. William may well have the stiff upper legs, lower legs and arms to go with his stiff upper lip, but he does not rise to the challenge.
Not that Crouch was upset at Willis reluctance to join him on the dance floor at England Manchester training ground. As the Sun says, having earned the Royal seal of approval, the striker was keen to tell his mum.
I got straight on the phone and told her all about it. I just hope I havent embarrassed her too much, he says. He goes on: I dont know how Prince William talked me into doing it to be honest.
Perhaps the striker was pricked into action by a sense of duty to the crown. If so, it could bode well for Englands fortunes in Germany as William tells the Mirror: I know they want to win it. They promised me they would bring it home.
And you cant renege on a promise to the future king…
Baps Yer Lot
Our loyal and passionate England supporter only lets up in his invective when he bites down on his gigantic burger.
He then continues to rile and goad the lads, spraying bits of Bigger Big Mac over his chins, his stomachs and his fellow supporters in the row in front.
Happily, they are too busy chewing on their own combination of fat, fat and more fat to notice.
As the Sun says, the new burger from McDonalds contains 33grams of fat and 669 calories. Thats a lot.
Its shocking that they are introducing such an unhealthy burger, says the Suns nutritionist Amanda Ursell. You could eat two and a half Mars bars for the same number of calories and 10g less fat.
Next time you get a Mac attack dont forget it could lead to a heart attack, says the paper.
That it might. But surely England fans are more likely to suffer my other means either hit on the head by one of David Beckhams penalty kicks or else made suicidal when the Germans winning penalty hits the back of the net…
Half Baked
Elaine Its nonsensical had made a Madeira cake with the best natural ingredients: flour, butter, sugar, eggs and lemon rind.
My cakes are perfectly healthy, baked with the finest natural ingredients, says she. To illustrate just how wonderful Elaines cakes are, the Mail lists the ingredients found in a shop-bought equivalent. Lick your lips at the humectant, emulsifiers, preservatives and hydrogenated vegetable oil.
Proud indeed is Elaine of the purity of her cakes. Not just anyone can be a lifelong member of the Womens Institute like Elaine.
But things are different at a home for elderly run by Age Concern. When Elaine tried to deliver her cake to an inmate friend, she was barred from doing so.
She was told her ingredients may cause an illness in anyone who ate her cake. It would be better if she bought one from the shop.
Andrea Scott, regional director of Age Concern, says: If I let one person do this, it will open the floodgates. Cakes will come pouring into the homes on a wave of butter and dairy cream. There will be carnage.
YOU COULDNT BAKE IT UP, says the Sun.
But rules are rules. And when we hear that Elaines friend is to celebrate her 96th birthday soon, we fear what would happen if the cake was covered in candles and lit…
God Save Us
How cruel it is that the birth of her first child should coincide with the messianic arrival of Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt. Geri has every right to be disappointed. Who needs Bluebell when you can have Shiloh?
But Geri should not let her anger out on Sacha Gervasi, the man said to be Bluebell Madonnas father.
Reports are that Geri has not allowed Gervasi to see his daughter. The fathers stepmother Heather Cottin has been pleading with the singer to allow her son to see his child. Bluebell needs a dad in her life, says she.
And she is not the only one holding that view. According to the Mirror, Geris showbiz pal Robbie Williams is just as keen to see the baby united with her father.
As the paper says, it was Robbie who introduced the 40-year-old scriptwriter to the former Spice Girl.
A source says: Robbie tried to help by asking Geri to change her mind but she wasnt having any of it. They ended up having a bit of a barney.
To the Mirrors mind this row is a massive bust-up. Robbie and Geri are no longer on speaking terms.
Robbies spokeswoman denies any rift. Theres no truth in this, says she.
But the Mirror is less certain, as are we. Might it be that with the childs father still unconfirmed, Geri is able to cling onto the hope that it is she and not Angelina who has delivered the messiah to the world…
Yes, We Have No Bananas
Here is a selection of things that will kill you and yours from last weeks paper of doom…
MONDAY
Cut-price tummy tick that nearly killed me Kelly Hodge tells us how she had too much skin removed in Duesseldorf
BANANA-GEDDON! A favourite of Alexander the Great, theyre Britains most popular fruit. Now a deadly new disease could wipe out our bananas for ever Was Alexander British?
Our society has sold its soul when even Royals bow before the cult of celebrity Melanie Philips is aghast and dismayed as Prince Charles meets the hellish Ant n Dec
Why planet Earth is facing disaster, by Attenborough David Attenborough peers out from behind a bush and whispers that we are all doomed
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TUESDAY
Painkillers increase risk of heart failure Researchers say painkillers like ibuprofen might increase risk of heart problems in some older patients
One day she was so healthy. The next we were cradling Daisys little body. Only then did we discover the curse shed been born with Parents tell of how their daughter died from an infection
Bizarre eating disorder nearly killed my sister Holby Citys Colette Brown talks about her sisters Prader-Willi Syndrome it causes sufferers to eat so much they die from obesity-related problems
My husband said real men dont wear sun cream. Now Im a skin cancer widow
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WEDNESDAY
Why sleepless nights can means piling on the pounds Researchers say women who dont get enough sleep might be more likely to put on weight
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THURSDAY
The killing blade Lethal Star Trek sword seized in knives amnesty – It is a particularly nasty weapon that can, literally, take someones head off, say police who are handed a copy of a 5ft-long Klingon weapon
TV experts time-outs could turn your toddler into a bully Professor Margot Sunderland says the naughty step is the road to severe neurosis and serous damage to their [childrens] brains
Just one cigarette can hook you for life Take a puff when youre 11 and get the habit, say researchers at Cancer Research UK
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FRIDAY
Why prostrate surgery can do more harm than good
Carry On Westminster
‘CAN I get you anything, sir? asks the airhostess. The passenger looks up, his lips moist with anticipation. He stretches out a hand and helps himself to a pear. Oh, what a lovely pair, he says.
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”Ere, John – you sure this’ll raise your standing in the polls?’ |
Thats a possible scene from a new TV drama based on the life and times of John Prescott.
The Star hears that Channel 4 are already planning the show. A source tells the paper that the story is a bizarre mix of Benny Hill and a Carry On film, and gives the project the working title Carry On Westminster.
So heres Prezza (played by Warren Clarke, Ricky Tomlinson and/or Clare Short) sat aboard a jet from London to Washington ogling the trolley dollys chest and making a play on words.
This is truly amazing, and it is easy to dwell too long on Prezzas commendable attempt to grasp the English language.
Prezza is a man who plays with words in much the same way a pyromaniac plays with matches.
His alleged pun is juvenile, pathetic and laced with more than a hint of desperation, but we can only commend his effort and fully support his attempt to finally get a grip on the English language.
But to the front-page story of how fruity Prezza ogled my melons.
It was disgusting the way he was acting, says Helga Forde. She took exception to the way his beady eyes leered at her. He made her skin crawl. He engaged in sex pest conduct.
He was looking all the women up and down, says Helga. I also heard him making sexual suggestions to female members of his party.
The film promises to be just great. And, what with this being Prescott, a man who does everything in twos, we can surely expect a sequel.’
Running Her Life
‘KATIE is doing exercises to build up her back and shoulders and I simple cant go along with whats happening.
No, not the words of pop acorn Peter Andre, looking on in horror as wife Jordan gets her back ready to carry a new and heavier load, but the thoughts of Martin Holmes, worried father to Katie Holmes.
Katie, who has just given birth to daughter Suri, has, as the Mirror reports, signed up keep-fit firm Buff Brides.
Buffs mission is to get Katie back in shape in time for her summer wedding to Tom Cruise.
But dad is less than pleased. My daughter needs rest, relaxation and recuperation, says he.
But Sue Fleming, of Buff Brides, knows better. Katie can and will do it, says she. She has great motivation. She loves her fiancé and was proud that Tom oversaw this programme.
Yes, folks, as is the way of these things, it is Tom who exercises a degree of control.
He told her he wanted her to be the most beautiful bride ever, says Fleming. She was in tears when he said that.
As are we now reading it…’
Karted Off
‘FORGET for a moment Wayne Rooneys foot and know that Myleene Klass has twisted an ankle.
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‘It’s me metatarsal’ |
And so it is that another Englander is unable to lead the line in this summers World Cup.
The former HearSay singer and CD:UK host is shaken up. Myleene has been go-karting for charity and has taken what her agent calls quite a knock.
This becomes MYLEENE GO-KART HORROR SMASH on the Stars front page. Star in 999 dash to hospital.
Over two pages inside the paper, we learn more. I was absolutely terrified, says Myleene, now able to speak. My whole life flashed before my eyes.
We are not sure if this is bad or not Myleene is a presenter/entertainer by trade and may well have enjoyed this impromptu show reel.
Happily, however, there will be more to come from Myleene, who is on the mend.
Her career will, we are certain, continue to go from strength to strength although, we will not now see her wear the No. 8 shirt for England in Germany.
The hunt for Rooneys replacement continues…’
Dream On
‘ANOTHER devastating blow for John Prescott this morning comes in the shape of a poll which reveals that Simon Cowell is the man most women would like to sleep with.
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‘Did I tell you about the time I got hit by an egg?’ |
The man who gave the world Westlife is the choice of 21% of women in the survey published in the Star, just ahead of Robbie Williams (20%) and Daniel Craig (19%).
And he is naturally delighted. The people who voted for me clearly have excellent taste, he says.
But before Simons ego reaches heights not dreamt of even by the waistline of his trousers and Prezza demands a recount, lets look closely at the company hes keeping and ask just who the people who voted for him are.
Do we seriously believe that, given a choice of any woman in the world, 11.4% of the male population would opt for some horseplay with Zara Phillips?
Or that 6% would plump for cuddly Fern Britton, while Vanessa Feltz rates neer a mention?
And what of the mysterious absence of the DPM?
That would be strange in any circumstances, but doubly so given that the sponsor of the poll is none other than the UKs biggest bed manufacturer Silentnight.
After all, isnt their logo something to do with a little bird lying with a hippopotamus?’
