Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Air Waves
‘ELIZABETH THE GREAT, says the Mails front page, saluting the woman who is pictured reading one of the 20,000 cards she has received. Long may she rule, says the paper. Happy birthday, Maam.
|
|
|
‘It’s a begging letter from Princess Michael’ |
Its the same picture in the Mirror, where Liz is once more showing her teeth in an uncharacteristic smile. And she is seen smiling again as she celebrates her big day with a visit to BBC Broadcasting House.
There she is pictured meeting DJs Chris Evans and Jo Wiley. Liz pauses to speak with Terry Wogan, of whom she is a great admirer. She asks him how long he had worked for the BBC. I have never worked here, Maam, says Terry. I havent worked for 40 years. The Queen may have laughed at that. She may also have found cause to remember that Prince Edward is 42.
It was then the turn of the BBCs Sonia Deol to ask the Queen what she would like for her birthday. Oh, she says, I dont think theres anything Id like a nice sunshiny days, that would be nice.
Its clear that with age comes wisdom. Not for the Queen a desire for world peace and the end of hunger, rather a simple request for some sunshine.
But James Whittaker, the royal raspberry, writing in the Mirror, hankers for something more. Has she started any great art collections, contributed to the world of opera or ballet or commissioned anything that will last for eternity? I cant really think of anything, says she.
Max Hastings can. Writing in the Mail, Hastings expresses his admiration for Lizs AWESOME SENSE OF DUTY.
So let us not dwell on Lizs legacy Prince Edward, stamps and cornflakes in Tupperware boxes and just remember what she has given the country: an alternative to President Blair. We are eternally in her gratitude…’
Spitting The Dummy
‘BOOK the birthing therapist. News is that Katie Holmes spat the specially made adult-sized dummy Tom Cruise had had made for her and screamed Get me to a hospital now! as she gave birth.
|
|
|
Love is…the taste of placenta |
The Church of Scientology and its follower Tom Cruise dictate that the mother must remain mute in the throes of birth lest the baby become traumatised, maladjusted and suffer later in life. Nature dictates the mother should scream her head off.
And, as the Star reports, when the moment arrived, Katie ignored the signs demanding silence that had been placed around the Hollywood mansion she shares with Tom and let rip.
But while the Star watches Holmes defy another of Toms rules that she have the baby at home and leaves for a private hospital, the Mail hears, well, nothing much at all.
According to the papers sources, Katie was as quiet as a mouse when she gave birth to her daughter. You couldnt hear anything coming from the room, says one hospital worker.
Katie is a game girl. Having silently communicated her desire to leave for hospital, Katie endured the ordeal of birth without uttering a word.
The Sun says that not only was Katie quiet but so too were the nurses, who used hand signals to tell the actress when to push.
While these versions of events appear at odds with the Stars take on the matter, readers are offered a reason as to how Katie might have pulled off this epic feat. The Sun says Katie had an epidural.
As we know, Scientology prefers the birth to be drug free. But there is nothing like a 7lb 7oz 20-inch bundle of searing pain to have you grasping for the medicine cabinet.
Anyone wanting to know more about what occurred in the delivery room can pop along to the Church of Scientology Center in Hollywood and take a look at the notes and recordings Tom is said by the Sun to have handed over to supervisors therein.
These doyens of the Scientology movement will study the report, resist the urge to sell the tapes to the highest bidder and decide whether or not Katie needs to be given extra counselling, or auditing as the church calls it.
Meanwhile back at the hospital, Katie and Tom are choosing a name for their little bundle of love.
And it might have been while euphoric at the miracle of life, or high on the yet greater miracle of the epidural, that Katie and Tom selected Suri for the babys name.
As the Sun says on its front page, Suri who will be given barley water to drink and separated from Katie for the first few days means Princess in Hebrew and pickpocket in Japanese.
And it also means pointy nose in Indian, which should not be confused with pointy head…’
Stars & Their Cars
‘YESTERDAY we read how a car driven by actor Orlando Bloom had collided with a swimming instructor on a scooter.
|
|
|
Where’s it hurt, Shayne? |
Earlier in the week, it was alleged that George Michael had attempted to feng shui a street in Highgate, north London, by using his Range Rover to shunt three other vehicles into a more favourable alignment.
We put the two incidents together and suggested that, perhaps, our stars have been engaging in a sick game of scoring points for various prangs and incidents on the road.
There was and there still is no evidence to support our theory but when we read in the Sun that X Factor winner Shayne Ward has been hurt in a car crash we wonder.
Of course, the story that the shaven-haired singer has injured his knee (minus five points) in Manchester city centre might be a heavy-handed attempt to get the reality TV show product some coverage.
This story may even enhance Shaynes credibility, placing him in the same bracket as the greater talents of the aforesaid Orlando and George.
But before we speculate too much, a source tells us what occurred. We are told that Shayne had a real fright. We hear that he thumped his head and bruised his knee when an electronic bollard his car was travelling over suddenly popped up.
His assistant, who was sitting in the front seat, bust her lip, says the source. Everyone was pretty shaken. And Shaynes knee is strapped up.
And all this in the same week as Shayne releases his debut album. It really is so very unlucky.
And can only have been worse had, say, George Michael or Orlando Bloom been involved in some way or been operating that rogue bollard…’
Dumb Animals
‘WAYNE went with thirty mates in matching T-shirts, novelty hats and hoola skirts to Slovakia and all he got was blind drunk, sick and lost.
|
|
|
The Ambassador always threw the best parties |
Fortunately for Wayne, the British government operate an office in Bratislava and Ambassador Judith Macgregor and her able staff will be able to help Wayne locate his hotel and, if necessary, a bucket.
There is a fee for this service of £84.50 an hour, but it is rarely if ever charged. Ms Macgregor, Ambassador Linda Duffield in Prague and other Foreign and Commonwealth Office consulate staff at large often provide their services gratis, happy just to see wayward drunks like Wayne go. As the Mail reports, of 84,000 assistance cases last year only 323 incurred a charge.
But things must change. The Commons Public Accounts Committee says Britons who cannot handle themselves when overseas should be made to pay for their care and named and shamed.
Committee chairman Edward Leigh MP says British tourists carousing abroad have become a nuisance. Where our nationals have landed themselves in trouble for their irresponsibility, the FCO should not hesitate to charge for it services.
And it is not as if Britons on stag and hen parties dont have money. The paper says that online bank Egg calculates we spent £430million on such trips last year thats £551 per person.
It is time for Wayne to pay so long as the taxi driver, barman and lap dancer havent already taken all his money…’
Cheque Mate
‘I WAS looking through my chequebook and I noticed some were missing, says Jade Goody. Where the cheques are numbered like 003, 004, I noticed a jump to 006 then 0016.
|
|
|
Jade looks a million lira |
Jade is clearly not as dumb as she makes out.
The girl who asked Its Mona Lisa Whos Symmetrical, Innit?’ and who answered Strawberries and spuds when challenged to name two vegetables in the garden, realises that six rarely if ever comes right after 4.
Something is missing. And Jades bank have been helping her discover what this something is. The banks Fraud Investigation team has been studying Jades account for irregularities.
Has Jade cashed a cheque for £10,000? She cannot remember. What about one for £42,000? Think carefully, Jade. Celebrities often lead hedonistic lifestyles and £42,000 represents the price of a quiet night out with some Cristal champagne and kebabs.
But no, Jade is at a loss. The bank workers continue to look. Jade examines the chequebook some more and notes that some cheques have been razored out. And like a candle being lit in a barn, Jade understands. She has, as it is alleged, been robbed of as much as £500,000.
And the chief suspect is a man who, as Jade tells the Sun, has spent a lot of time in my house. The matter is now with the police, and having made a statement to the cops in Harlow, Essex, Jade is keen to talk.
Its a lot of money, says she to the Sun. And it is. I have been the victim of a theft from someone who I thought was quite close… Its all the more upsetting when you think its somebody you can trust.
Indeed it is. But perhaps yet more newsworthy than the theft is the story that Jade did not notice the money leaving her account.
Has the Big Brother star now accumulated so much cash that half a million quid can be filched from her stash and not adversely affect her standard of living?
The Sun thinks it is time to look at Jades assets two fitness videos, a property portfolio worth £2million, columns in magazines, TV appearances and a beauty parlour in Hertford called Uglys.
The 25-year-old has made some tictactical investments. Which is all the more remarkable given that she has never had to get her kebabs out. All five of them…’
Careless Driver
‘DRUGS COULD KILL GEORGE, thunders the Mirrors front page, and we fear this is all too true.
|
|
|
Car Parky |
Drugs do not kill everyone. It is a well documented truth that Keith Richards, for instance, cannot be killed by conventional methods. One rockers poison might be anothers elixir.
But George Michael is no Richards. And so it is that the Mirror hears one Toby Bourke explain to police that Georges addiction to cannabis might be endangering the singers life.
The drugs have turned him into a stoned waster, says Bourke who duetted with the singer on the hit song Waltz Away Dreaming.
When you smoke as many spliffs as he has done you simply cease to function, says Bourke. Cannabis has destroyed his career and Im really worried it could now endanger his life.
For those of you not versed in the vernacular of the drugs trade, a spliff is a marijuana cigarette, the smoking of which induces a high which has been known to inspire creative types to heightened levels of endeavour.
It is debatable whether the toxic weed has ruined Georges career, as Bourke claims, but we are concerned that it could be his undoing.
Inside the paper, over two pages, readers hear that George is too stoned to make music and that he smoked 20 joints a day.
Bourke says George sometimes had a joint for breakfast. We hear how George hired hypnotist Paul McKenna to wean him off his drug of choice, and that it failed. And Bourke tells us how the star got really into feng shui, the ancient art of arranging furniture, straightening the towels and closing the toilet seat to ensure a maximum flow of energy.
Bourke recalls the time he received a call from Georges record label Aegean, to which he had signed. Bourke heard an excited voice tell him that after a break of two months things were set to really take off because George had just feng shuid the office.
Bourke has much to say. But rather than just listen to him, the Star says you can hear George speak for himself when he is interviewed by TVs Michael Parkinson on Saturday.
Last time George was on the show, he talked about drugs and his 1998 arrest for a lewd act with an undercover American cop.
This time we will be interested to hear more of Georges views on drugs and learn what he was tying to when he, allegedly, smacked his car into three parked vehicles.
And how feng shui-ing the street is not always a good idea…’
Making His Points
‘IF its not George Michael allegedly driving into cars, its Orlando Bloom using his vehicle to knock a scooter rider off his bike.
|
|
|
Bloom spots a jogger |
Such antics make us wonder if there is some new game being played by our celebrity elite. Are stars racking up points for hitting a white Peugeot estate (5 points) and knocking scooter riders from their mounts (10 points)? Is driving into a London cab worth more or less than knocking a paparazzo off his ladder? And where do vicars on bicycles fit into the great scheme?
While Anorak launches an investigation into this sick trend, the Sun hears Orlandos alleged victim, one Slawomir Szydlowski, explain what occurred.
Its only good luck that Im here to tell the tale, says the swimming instructor. He cant have looked in his mirrors. I fell off and hit the ground hard, rolling three times. If thered been a car coming the other way, Id be dead.
The incident is said to have happened on Londons Albert Bridge Road on Monday. Slawomir says that after the collision, in which he suffered internal bleeding, Orlando jumped into the ambulance and handed him a note saying Sorry mate!
The star then left. Leaving Slawomir in pain and us to wonder where an ambulance may figure in any game…’
The Silence of the Lamb
‘SO much for the Silence of the Lambs. The biggest horror story playing in Hollywood is The Silence of Katie Holmes. The actress is to give birth in silence and without drugs.
|
|
|
Tastes like fear |
And now things have taken a turn for the still more unsavoury. As the Mirror announces on its front page (TOM CHEWS), Tom Cruise says he plans to eat his new babys placenta.
Tom thinks the ephemeral organ is very nutritious. As he says: Im gonna eat the placenta. I thought that would be good. Very nutritious. Im gonna eat the cord and the placenta right there.
We should note that Cruise might once have thought his movie Vanilla Sky was good, which brings into question his taste.
And then there is the matter of eating the placenta right there.
Are we to imagine that rather than frying it up with some fava beans and a little Chianti, Cruise intends to tear into the rubbery organ at its freshest?
Is he to cut the umbilical cord with his teeth, nibbling down until he reaches his babys tummy?
Afterbirth and cord are certainly not to everyones tastes, and it is understandable that the Star should call it gut-churning.
Although the paper does consult with experts who say that the placenta is highly nutritious. The Star tells its readers that in some countries mothers are encouraged to eat their own placentas.
But surely those are counties where you cant get a Jumbo coke and fries at a moments notice. And where Hannibal Lecter is seen as some kind of Delia Smith character…’
Whammo!’
‘DID you leave your car in the Highgate area of north London last Sunday morning and return to find it damaged? Do you want the good news or the less good news?
|
|
|
Who did it? |
The less good news is that your white Peugeot estate has suffered contusions to the rear. The Mail has a picture of the damage, which should aid any insurance claim.
The good news is that it is alleged that your car was struck by a navy blue Range Rover Vogue driven by George Michael. Your car has a celebrity prang.
And the drivers of a white Rover and a Ford Fiesta may also like to regale their nearest and dearest with the tale of how their car came to be shunted by the singer.
But first let us hear from an eyewitness to the incident, one Carole Mallett, a teacher. It is around 7:45am and she hears an almighty crash. An alarm goes off. I saw a Land Rover with tinted windows and it had bashed into a Peugeot. I thought it was a criminal from looking at the car. She adds: The three cars were absolutely squashed.
Another witness tells the Sun: It was as if he was trying to park in a space that wasnt there. It was a spectacle of insanity.
The allegation is that the damage was caused by George Michael. If true, then departing from the scene of an accident without leaving insurance details is a criminal offence that, as the Mail says, could see George jailed for up to six months.
However the Sun does hear rumours that the star has owned up and agreed to pay for any repairs without involving insurance firms and the police.
But where is George? The Sun says the star IS IN HIDING. And he is refusing to discuss the incident with even his closest pals and agent.
So if you see George, let us know – and get out of the way. George is the one in the balaclava…’
Beach Ball
‘ARE BRAD AND ANGELINA ABOUT TO MARRY IN NAMIBIA? asks the Mirror.
|
|
|
‘Whadya mean the Pope’s not coming?’ |
Having yet to receive an invitation to any do, we, like the paper, are unsure. But evidence suggests that something could be brewing.
The Mirror says that Jolie has ordered her squad of bodyguards to keep everyone off the African beach where she Pitt and her adopted two children are staying.
What is more, Brad has, apparently, been visiting private lodges that specialise in beach weddings.
An insider tells the paper that Brads bother Doug is flying out and so too some of her family.
And then theres the fact that the pair have rented out every room at the Burning Shore beach hotel in Walvis Bay. They want things to remain private.
Massive cloth screens have been erected outside the couples beachside lodge. A nearby bar owner has, as the paper reports, been paid to stay away until the family Pitt-Jolie leave town on their private jet standing by.
And not everyone is impressed. Its ridiculous, says one local. This is Walvis Bay, its a small town… Nobody cares if its the Pope himself.
Not that the Pope is about to preside over the ceremony uniting two divorcees and their unborn child conceived out of wedlock. Although, such is the level of security, would we know if he ever did?’
Oil Unwell
‘EVERY day of every week the Mail thinks up imaginative ways to remind you that life is cruel and you are going to experience pain and die.
Here is a selection of things that will kill you and yours from last weeks paper of doom…
MONDAY
NHS cash crisis is threat to 24,000 jobs So say the LibDems
Frying can raise the risk of cancer Scientists say exposure to cooking oils can be damaging
Schools could shut in bird flu alert to save 50,000 So says chief medical officer Sir Liam Donaldson
Children put on a stone a year just watching TV Youngsters consume an extra 167 calories during typical 60 minutes glued to the screen says a report published in the Archives of Paediatric and Adolescent Medicine
————————————————
TUESDAY
KILLED by pierced lip When Daniel, 17, had his lip pierced with his girlfriend, his mother was furious. What happened next is a terrible warning to every teenager Blood poising can be lethal
Whats lurking in your childs fizzy drink? Are things put in pop bad for health? Well, are they?
————————————————-
WEDNESDAY
How apricot seed health food could poison you Eating 20 to 30 of the seeds could result in very serious health effects
Fish oil pills withdrawn over cancer chemical fear Boots the chemists ditches Super Strength Fish Oil Capsules with added lethal doses of dioxins
Wards where dying OAPs are denied the best care older patients being overlooked
How prostate cancer may be linked to high cholesterol Researcher at Mario Negri Institute of Pharmacological Research in Milan publish research
This boy died after he could not get an urgent brain x-ray…because the hospital doesnt do them at weekends
————————————————-
THURSDAY
How you can get DVT just sitting at your desk Sitting at your computer doesnt just give your sore eyes and a stiff neck – it can kill you
ITS a medical scandal. The pharmaceutical giants are making billions by persuading us we have illnesses that only their products can cure. This is the real…DRUG ABUSE See Anorak Drug abuse http://www.anorak.co.uk/news.cfm?id=169439′
Seeing Is Believing
‘I JUST picked up something and knew at that moment she was pregnant because I notice things in people. Thats what Tom Cruise has to say about the second he realised Katie Holmes was with child.
|
|
|
Is Katie a) pregnant; b) fat; c) shoplifting? |
What Cruise picked up is not said, and it might have been a plastic stick marked pregnancy test. He might have picked up the anguished sounds of his girlfriend Katie Holmes pacing around the bathroom asking out loud how she can tell her Catholic parents that she is carrying a child out of wedlock.
Or Tom might have picked up something else entirely. The actor is a spiritual cove and might have picked up something alien in Katies manner.
And, as the Mirror reports, we wonder if Toms talents go further. Does he know the sex of his unborn child, due in a few weeks?
We who have seen the massive protuberance around the Holmes midriff imagine her to be carrying an entire spaceship of beings.
But Tom is the expert. What does he think? I dont know, says he. I just see a baby. Eat your heart out Nostradamus, Toms visionary powers are setting new standards in the prediction game.
And thats not all. Tom can look backwards just as easily as he can peer forwards. Over in the Sun he says that his first date with Holmes was the greatest day of his life.
Shes just right for me, says Tom, telling us how the feelings he has for his current flame are stronger than anything he experienced with ex-wives Mimi Rogers and Nicole Kidman.
Neither of whom fell pregnant during their time with Tom…’
A Granny Day Out
‘YOU know how it is. There you are all dressed up in your sexy uniform ready to parade before the masses when you notice your grandma in the audience.
|
|
|
‘Makes a nice change from your other uniform’ |
Thankfully, Prince Harry has not been inspired by his recent trip to a lap dancing club to embark on a career in the performing arts – his smartly pressed uniform comes equipped with shiny brass buttons and not a Velcro quick-release system.
But Harry still needs to be checked out by grandma. As Head of the Armed Forces, granny has arrived at Sandhurst Academy to inspect the latest batch of graduates, including the third-in-line to the throne.
The Mirror has a shot of this tense meeting. It notices a bead of sweat on Harrys stiff upper lip. His dress is immaculate. He is as disciplined as the other 218 young officers about to start life as professional soldiers.
Attention! Here comes Her Majesty. Granny pauses in front of her kin. The Mail cocks an ear at the ensuing exchange. Heres a face I recognise, she says. Harry doesnt reply. His face glows as red as a guardsmans jacket and he grins.
Though not as quick on her pins as she once was, granny does eventually reach the end of the line, and Harry becomes an Army officer. The 21-year-old is now a Second Lieutenant.
And free to strip off his uniform and join girlfriend Chelsy Davy at the lavish passing out ball.’
Through The Gates
‘THE Anorak Festival of music promises to be a truly awesome event. Weve already lined up some great acts.
|
|
|
Exit Gates |
Theres Steve Brookstein, winner of TVs X-Factor in 2004 and a bar of Topic at a social club in Stockwell at the age of four.
Hes to be joined on stage by Michelle McManus. Since winning Pop Idol in 2003, Michelle has lost 8st and dropped from a size 26 to a 16. Shes also been singing for her pine nuts on TVs You Are What You Eat.
Its going to be a great show. But, sadly, Gareth Gates cannot make it. As the Sun reports, the star has been dropped by his record label.
When Gareth came second to Will Young in Pop Idol 2002, few doubted that his trademark mix of spiky hair and stammering would make him an enduring star.
He even had a unique stage trick, in which he would turn his back to the audience and circumvent his stammer by playing a tape recording of him thanking the crowd for their support and saying a big hello to wherever he was performing.
Gareth was a big star. And he attracted still bigger stars, notably Jordan, with whom he dallied in a hotel room after his final appearance on Pop Idol.
But it was all too much for one man to handle (see Jordan), and rather than becoming the new Peter Andre, Gareth has become a taller version of the old Peter Andre, slipping into obscurity after a couple of hits.
Gareths fans must not be too downhearted. After all, the Anorak Festival will still feature Darius Danesh, The Cheeky Girls, Rik Waller, Suzanne Shaw, Danny Foster, Noel Sullivan, Javine ’
Marital Arts
‘YOU can always spot a newly married couple by they way they carry their his n hers yoga mats.
|
|
|
Release! |
Yoga is a rite of passage for any bright young husband and wife out to prove how very in tune with each other they are. But it rarely if ever lasts.
Just listen to Guy Richie in the Mirror. I tried yoga for six months and its not for me, says the Mockney star. Wed wager this dalliance with yoga occurred in the early days of his romance with Madonna.
Now, with the couples marriage in the downward dog position yesterday Ritches dad John said Its the children that are keeping them together – Ritchie prefers something else.
I do judo or Brazilian ju-jitsu, where men grapple one another while wearing Speedos in mud, says he.
A pal of the directors says Ritchie uses ju-jitsu bouts to unwind, to let off steam and, perhaps, even to release a little pent up sexual energy.
And Madonna is not happy. This pal says that Madonna complains that he spends every spare second down at the local centre fighting but hed never give it up.
But Ritchie is set to have a break from getting up close and personal with lots of burly men when, as the Star reports, he embarks on a month-long holiday – albeit with that burly, fighting man and best pal Jason Statham.
The Star says that Ritchie has asked Statham to accompany him on his trip to Chicago, which begins on March 12. As a source says, Guy is jetting off with Jason to take out some quality time. They continue: They want a real boys time of it and will go all out to make sure they have an action-packed holiday.
It all sounds just great, and not too much unlike the plot for Brokeback Mountain with wrestling holds…’
Guard Of Dishonour
‘SLAP your warpaint on and get ready for the bash of the season. Yes, folks, as the Mail says, tonight is the ball to mark Prince Harrys graduation from Sandhurst college.
|
|
|
Chelsy and Harry |
To get readers in the mood for the big do, the paper has a few shots of the young grilled-haired prince out on Army manoeuvres in Cyprus. Even beneath the face paint muddied uniform you can tell its him. Its the regal air, the steely look in his eyes and the way it says WALES on his helmet.
Harry looks tough and ready to disembowel any man who dares cross his path.
As such, you might suppose he would offer ample protection for his lover Chelsy Davy, who has arrived on these shores for said party.
But just to be on the safe side, when the blonde heiress touched down at Heathrow from Cape Town, she was met not by Harry but by five armed police officers.
The Mirror calls this CRAZY and invites a couple of Labour MPs to shake their heads and disapprove. This is over the top, says angry Labour MP Lynne Jones. I thought a statesman was visiting, says Allan Simpson MP, with what may or may not be sarcasm.
Of course, there is a chance the cops were there not to protect Chelsy but to keep her from attacking her man. Its only been a few days since Harry was caught at a lap-dancing club, and, as the Star says, Chelsy is furious with him.
Just to be on the safe side, it might be wise for Harry to keep his camouflage gear on. And his weapon to hand…’
Jordan’s Hits
‘THIS is awful news. No, its not that Britney Spears seven-month-old son Sean has suffered a fractured skull after falling from his high chair. That is terrible. We wish the boy a speedy and full recovery. What we report on is something worse.
|
|
|
‘Blobby, blobby, blobby’ |
DONT DUET, begs the Sun, which tells us that Keith Harris and Orville are set to be toppled from their perch as the worst double act music has ever seen.
That noise you can hear is being produced by Peter Andre and Jordan.
The couple are set to release what the Sun generously calls an atrocious album. The disc features cover versions of famous duets, such as Nancy and Frank Sinatras Something Stupid.
A source explains further: Pete and Katie are deadly serious about making a proper chart assault [his words] as a pop duo. Peter has been writing a lot recently and come up with material he wanted to perform with Katie.
And so it is things turn from atrocious to something still worse. This, you will recall, is the Peter Andre who claimed to been inspired by his stay in the celebrity jungle to pen Insania, a song that includes the lines: Ageing will reverse/ Cloning will diverse.
And Jordan is not without previous. Last year, the mo-del lost out to reality TV show product Javine in a contest to find the UKs song for Eurovision. The song Not Just Anybody invited Europe to Follow me follow me, breathe me in, swallow me.
And then there was the time Peter and Jordan came together at their wedding to sing a track from the Lion King.
However, the interesting news is that the couple plan to release this album in time for Christmas. And looking back at some past seasonal No. 1s – Two Little Boys – Rolf Harris, Ernie (The Fastest Milkman In The West) – Benny Hill, Mr. Blobby – Mr. Blobby Jordan and Pete may yet do well.
Take it away Katie and the Jordans: Blobby, blobby, blobby…’
Pilot Error
‘I AM now waiting for the man with the hammer to arrive, says the driver of the Tube train stuck in a tunnel outside Londons Queens Park Tube station. He is now hitting the track. While we wait I will sing a version of Celine Dions classic hit My Heart Will Go On.
|
|
|
‘This is your captain speaking – the boat is sinking…’ |
Such are the hideous dangers of travelling on public transport. Not only are you trapped in an airless metal tube, buy you are placed at the mercy at the unseen controller of the tannoy.
And so it is for the 189 passengers aboard a Boeing 737-800 waiting to leave Doncasters Robin Hood airport for a flight to Tenerife.
Ding! Dong! This is you captain speaking, says the captain. We are currently cruising at an altitude of zero feet and at a speed for zero knots. We will remain in our current position until I can find my mobile phone.
This announcement is followed by the sound of the captain rummaging in the cockpit for the lost mobile.
As the Sun says, our captain then calls for technical assistance. Cue the arrival of engineers, who dismantle the cockpit, possibly with the aid of big hammers, and even search under the floor.
One hour later, the passengers are asked to disembark and return to the terminal. There they listen to a musak version of Celine Dions greatest hits until another three hours have passed and they are led towards a new aircraft which is ready to take off.
And the music plays on…’
One Over The After Eight
‘JESSIE snorted coke for breakfast, says the Suns front-page headline.
|
|
|
Also available in orange |
This is the tale of cocaine-crazed Jessie Wallace, former EastEnders clown-faced harridan, as told by disgusted ex-cop Dave Morgan.
Says Dave, who used to date the actress and has a 17-month-old daughter Tallulah with her: Her problems destroyed us. I loved her – now I hate her.
This is all interesting stuff, and will doubtless form a fascinating part of Tallulahs family album. But why now? Why is Dave telling us about his former lovers antics now?
Could it be that he wants to put the record straight? He says that he is sick of being branded an evil low-life parasite by his ex. It makes me livid when she portrays me as some kind of scrounger, says he. All my friends see her for what she is a horrible and mean woman.
Or is it part of his bid to gain access to the daughter he has not seen since August last year?
Or could it be that with Wallace no longer on our TV screens, this is all part of some attempt to revive her career?
Well, the drugs stories have done no damage to cocaine Kate Mosss earning potential. As the Mail says, Moss has just signed a £500,000 contract with Calvin Klein, meaning her earnings are now more than double what they were one year ago. Since the tales of her drug taking broke, Moss has picked up contracts worth an estimated £9.4million.
Sure Wallace is more poison ivy than Moss – while Moss, reportedly, kept her stash in a Faberge egg, Dave says Wallace kept hers in an old snuff box.
But these salacious tales of cocaine abuse are putting Wallace back in the limelight. As Dave reports a stoned Wallace telling him: Come on Dave, cocaine is like having an After Eight.
Is this product placement? Could Wallace become the new face of the minty confectionary? Get high with an After Eight, says Wallace in the advert. Theyre like wafers of coke.’
The Thick Of The Action
‘ROONEY should remember the inviolable rule of bookmaking a losing punter always pays his debts. So says The Mails Paul Hayward.
|
|
|
‘Why can’t you be addicted to shopping like me?’ |
As we heard yesterday, Wayne Rooney, for it is he, is refusing to pay the £700,000 he apparently owes the private Goldchip bookmaker for betting on horses and greyhounds. La Roon thinks it was less than fair that no-one told him chasing your losses was a mugs game – so much for inviolable rules.
And Rooney is especially angry with Michael Owen. Alongside a shot of Englands two strikers racing go carts, the Mail says Goldchip Ltd is run by one Stephen Smith, a business partner of Owens. This leads to the Mail telling of a RIFT between the two players and WORLD CUP DISASTER.
And then there is Coleen McLoughlin. Over in the Mirror, readers are treated to a photo story of the type that features in teenage magazines.
Wots goin on Wayne? asks Coleen in a speech bubble. Me ousekeepings short and me credit cards bin refused at Tescos.
Sorry luv, says Wayne. When they said dyou wants more chips I thought they meant me dinner.
From being Englands brightest star, the one who will send the country into raptures as he refulgently slams that ball into a German goal in this summers World Cup, Rooney is now portrayed as a mentally negligible loser.
While Rooney tries to outwit a goalpost, we read in the Sun that his penchant for gambling may be curtailed during team Englands stay at their Baden Baden hotel.
The Sun says that the German venue is famous for its casino, and the inviolable rule is that no-one under the age of 21 is allowed inside.
In case Rooney cant understand that rule, nor count to 21, the paper says that England manager Sven Goran Eriksson has warned him against attending.
Which makes us wonder what young Wayne will be up to? No drinking. No gambling. Whats a young man in the wilds of Germany to do?
The Star has one idea. As its front-page headline says: ENGLANDS TOP STARS ADDICTED TO WEB SEX.
And just think how many hours online you could buy for £700,000…’
His Better Self
‘KNOWING that England football hero Wayne Rooney has his brains firmly laced up in his boots we fear the worst when we hear that the young striker has been inducted into the teams betting school.
|
|
|
A poker face |
And our fears are confounded when we read that between September last year and February he ran up gambling debts of £700,000.
But this is no big deal. As former England player Chris Waddle reminds us in the Sun, La Roon earns £100,000 a week (falling to £60,000 in the Star), and his bets are no different to the average bloke putting £10 on a horse.
Only there is a difference of around about £699,990. But Waddle says its not as if Rooney has dabbled in drink and drugs, as other players have. Waddle thinks that would have been worse.
Perhaps. But surely no one vice is better than another. And while we wonder how we would feel if Rooney had blown his wad on the demon drink or, say, aged prostitutes, the Mirror hears from the mug punter. And news is that Rooney is refusing to settle his debts.
I OWE ROO NOTHING, announces the Mirrors front-page headline, saying that there player wont pay the money he owes private bookmakers Goldchip.
As an insider tells us: Wayne feels very annoyed that no one discouraged him from chasing his losses. So he is not paying. And his lawyers agree.
Which surely leaves our Wayne in line for trouble? Or not. Because the Mirror tells us that gambling debts are not recoverable by law. The Mirrors sports betting expert says that debts to bookies are debts of honour, and there is precious little honour among punters.
And virtually none among footballers…’
Undress To Impress
‘PHWAOOR! Show us yer knickers, darlin. Oops! Prince Harry should take care. Thats no lithe legged lovely thats his dad celebrating his first anniversary to the lovely Camilla by stepping out in a kilt.
|
|
|
Harry – torn off a strip |
Like a pair of models in a mail order catalogue for outward bound gear, the Sun shows Charles and Camilla in his n hers kilts. They are visiting a church near to their Scottish retreat at Birkhall, and they are dressed the same.
And what the happy couple are retreating from can be seen in the Star. Theres a shot of young Prince Harry, topless and tattooed in the manner of a male stripper.
Having been carpeted for spending a night out at lap dancing club, where the Sun says he was seen nuzzling a buxom Russian stripper (shes Lithuanian in the Star), Harry needs to make things right with girlfriend Chelsy Davy.
And the plan is for Harry to give Chelsy a lap dance of her very own. When the fuming 20-year-old blonde touches down in Blighty to attend Harrys passing out from Sandhurst, he will enact his cunning plan.
And Harry will not be alone. It seems Harry has formed some of his pals into a group known as Lazin Squad after the Blazin Squad rap act who will support him as he performs a sexy dance routine.
And if Harry needs any more tips on how to get his girl hornier than a flame-haired squaddie on leave, he can always consult his stripping acquaintance 32D-sized dancer Mariella Butkute (her real name?).
And we wonder if, like his dad and step-mum, Harry and Ms Butkute could perform a double act in matching outfits…’
Like a Rolling Stone
‘MAYBE we should slow things down a little. So says musician Jagger as he and his hand perform before their fans.
|
|
|
And Chris had a dream… |
Not a chance of it. Granted, the sight of a man of late middle years prancing about on stage and gurning like hes lost his dentures is unedifying. But if that is what the paying crowd at Littlecote House, Berkshire, demand, then the band and their leader must play on.
As the Mail says, the signer is one Chris Jagger, younger brother to Mick Jagger and leader of the not-all-that-popular beat combo Atcha!.
While big brother Mick was wowing the crowds of expats and censors on the Rolling Stones Thousand Year Old Eggs tour of China, Chris is entertaining a gathering of 170 souls in the Home Counties.
The Mail sees a family likeness as Chris leaps off stage and attempts to kick start his fans. He climbs onto a chair. He punches a clenched fist into the air. He struts. He is po-going on one leg in the manner of a demented flamingo.
Finally, in an effort to get someone to join the one fan on the dance floor an elderly man with a comb-over of silvery hair Chris takes hold of a female fan and swirls her round.
But still no-one dances. Do we have to pay you to dance? asks Chris. Or just play a Rolling Stones track?’
A Sharp Exhale Of Air
‘YOU will be doubtless interested to learn that the matter of Storer v Bedminster Down Secondary School, Bristol, has reached an end.
A Bristol employment tribunal says that in the case of the farting chair, Sue Storer had been free to arrange to buy a new chair.
Mrs Storer makes no comment. Although her chair is less than complimentary…
————————————————-
JOIN us now in the Citizens Advice Bureau where Sue Storer is looking at her entitlements.
 |
| Smells like money |
As the Mirror reports, Storer is a deputy headmistress at Bedminster Down secondary school, Bristol, driven to despair by her working conditions.
Last year, Ms Storer was forced to quit her £48,000 a year job because of her chair. As the art teacher explains: It was very embarrassing to sit on. I asked for a chair that didnt give me a dead leg or make those embarrassing farting sounds.
Surely, Ms means breaking wind, but we are not here to talk about standards, and return to Ms Storers complaint.
As well as claiming that she suffered four years of overwork and intimidation since taking the job in 2001, Ms says the chair became a regular joke – my chair would make these farting sounds and I regularly had to apologise that it wasnt me, it was my chair.
She wanted to change the chair. And when a new batch of seats arrived, she was optimistic. But it was not to be. All the male managers received a chair, she says. I couldnt understand why there wasnt one for me.
And while she awaits an explanation, and a possible apology from her superiors (if not the chair), Ms Storer would like an employment tribunal to award her damages of £1million for constructive dismissal and sex discrimination.
Which may or may not be enough for the plaintiff to buy a new chair, and cure her little problem…’
Normal Service
‘YOU can set your clock by the rail services summer schedules. With the weather growing warmer and the sun rising in a milky blue sky, the rail unions have consulted their timetable and realised that it must be time for a day off, or strike as it is known.
|
|
|
The first Crow of summer |
We have arrived at that time of year when a young rail workers thoughts turn to industrial action. And we get to see socialist Rail, Maritime and Transport Union leader Bob Crow, a fully paid up member of the Awkward Squad, emerge blinking into the rosy-fingered dawn to say how outraged over such and such a thing he is and that industrial action is on the cards.
This year, the row is over pension funds. And Crow has this to say to his members, and other Star readers: If we dont get agreement with the train operating companies and the engineering companies in early May, well be seeing a ballot and well be seeing action late May, early June.
Crow and his ilk claim companies intend to increase the levels of contributions to such a high level that workers will be unable to participate.
Crow says he has tried talking to all sides but has not yet managed to. Says he: So I do perfectly believe that were leading our way towards a national rail strike.
Good that we are going somewhere, what with this being the transport service. But not so great that in the warm and hazy days of early summer, bolshy Crow is talking of a complete shutdown.
But no strike is definite. Far be it from us to advise Crow on his job, but surely a detailed study of the weather for the stated period of inaction and a consideration of when the school half term holidays fall will get rail workers on side and in favour of a walk out.
Anything less would be a dereliction of duty…’
