Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
The Fags Four
‘WITH the smoking ban just underway in Scotland, and set to begin south of the border next year, we read that the keepers of the nations health are wiping history clean of the dreaded weed.
The Sun reports that a new version of The Beatles Capitol Albums Volume 2 has an altered image on the cover. The Fab Four are in their places but their smokes are not.
The original album cover shot, taken in 1964, featured all but George Harrison smoking a cigarette. But now the fags are gone. And, whats more, two of Ringo Starrs fingers have also been vanished.
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Look out! It’s on fire |
The message is clear: smoking has no place in modern Britain. And unless you do as ordered you are liable to have your fingers chopped off now or posthumously.
And what goes for the Sixties, goes too for Big Brother contestants. As the Star reports on its front page (BIG BRO FAG BAN), antismoking groups are calling on the shows makers Endemol to ban the dreaded weed. Smoking has already been banned from the Australian version.
Says a spokesman for ASH (Action on Smoking And Health): It seems remarkable that Chanel 4 warn viewers about swearing or sex scenes on the show and say nothing about the dangers of smoking.
Quite. And what of the clear and present danger of smoking while swearing and having sex.
And while we are on it, why doesnt the channel warn Big Brother viewers of the damage power stations the ones that create electricity to power TVs and light the BB house – do to the environment?
For shame!’
Permission Impossible
‘WE are as excited at you are at the impending arrival of little Ron Hubbard Holmes-Cruise.
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An artist’s impression of the birth |
The papers fail to give the precise date of the birth, but they do note that preparations for the event are well underway.
As the Sun says on its front page (Cruise in birth control), Tom Cruise and his pregnant lover Katie Holmes are getting the family home ready.
And that means placing signs up around the couples Beverly Hills mansion reminding Holmes that she must not utter a word during labour.
As has been reported on these pages, as a keen follower of Scientology, Cruise is urging his lover to adhere to the strictures of the code. And, most notably, that means remaining mute during the birth.
And Holmes cannot do it alone. The Sun looks on as workers deliver posters reminding the actress of her duties. These birthing boards will be positioned around the domicile to remind Holmes that however great the temptation, she must not give in.
As one board says: Maintain silence in the presence of birth to save both the sanity of the mother and child.
Failure to do so will inflict psychic damage on the child which can only be addressed through years of therapy.
While mothers look at their Asbo-laden brood and wonder how different things could have been had they not screeched Drugs! Give me drugs at the moment of truth, the Mail spots another board. It reads: Be silent and make all physical movement slow and understandable.
Holmes should try not to spasm, thrash about or race around the room begging: Get it out! Get it out!
Although she is, it seems, allowed to take hold of Cruises hands, albeit in slow motion, and make her feelings unequivocal by squeezing hard.
Indeed, until Holmes is told via a cue card not to, she may even be allowed to bite down on the Cruise fingers…hard. If so, Cruise must remain utterly silent, lest he be driven mad and forced into therapy…’
A Better You
‘EVERY day of every week the Mail thinks up imaginative ways to remind you that life is cruel and you are going to experience pain and die.
Here is a selection of things that will kill you and yours from last weeks paper of doom…
MONDAY
DENTISTS TO DITCH MILLIONS OF NHS PATIENTS Millions will be left without a Health Service dentist in less than two weeks time
The unknown risks of prostate cancer Survey by Prostate Cancer Charity says 55 per cent of us dont think getting older is a major risk factor in getting the disease
Women with different sized breast may have greater risk of cancer So suggests research at Liverpool University
Sex and gambling link to Parkinsons drug Shortage of dopamine a chemical associated with addictive behaviours such as drug use and pleasurable experiences such as sex and food causes Parkinsons
GREAT-GRAN WAITS 90 MINUTES IN THE RAIN FOR AN AMBULANCE Poor old Marianne Fitch trips over and waits on the ground for help to slowly arrive
TUESDAY
Pesticides in food increase risk of cancer for babies Thats what those cheery scientists at the University of Liverpool think
As the surgeon began to operate, I woke up again! Meryl Davies relives the horror of waking up during two operations
WEDNESDAY
U-TURN ON SALT COULD KILL UP TO 14,000 Government changes promise to cut salt in food, which could lead to lots more death
Boozy UK just like gin lane, says liver expert Professor Ian Gilmore, a leading liver specialist, says selling alcohol next to bread and milk in shops is recreating Briton in the image of Hogarths London
Back treatments that cause more harm than good Professor Edzard Ernst says spinal manipulation used by osteopaths and chiropractors does not work for any medical problem
Middle-aged women facing same angina threat as men So say researchers at University College London
THURSDAY
Hepatitis C may have infected a million Estimates Professor of Hepatology at Southampton University
FRIDAY
A BIRTH CONTROL NURSE FOR ALL SCHOOLS So much for Nitty Nora. Schools in England will have a nurse who can arrange secret abortions
25,000 staff facing the sack in NHS cash crisis Thats the guesstimate from Tory health spokesman Andrew Lansley
Chaos over plans to protect public from psychopaths draft Mental Health Bill reworked
100,000 sedated needlessly in care homes Suggests Alzheimers society-funded research
Once you needed a GP and a very good reason – to get the morning after pill. Now, as this investigation reveals, school nurses and chemists are handing them out like Smarties Smarties have the answer’
Addicted To Love
‘WHY on earth did Kate spend the night with Potty Pete? asks the Mirror on its front page.
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Is Pete spinning her a line? |
This Kate is, naturally, blotchy-faced Kate Moss and Pete is troubled Peter Doherty. The Mirror says the pair have been spotted getting back together.
We read on and learn that after partying, Kate and Pete both spent the night at the London home of young British artist Jake Chapman.
And we wonder why? It is not as if Kate needs Pete, having ditched drugs and seen her modelling career duly restored. And Pete has been doing pretty well in his post-Moss solo project, appearing at a courtroom near you, kicking reporters and forgetting what day of the week it is.
But the two cannot keep apart. And the double act is looking all set to reform. As Pete is wont to put it, they will be together 4 eva.
Indeed, the Mirror says Moss is now Dohertys girlfriend. And to keep her sweet, it hears that he is preparing to detox at a secret venue after Moss told him to clean up or else.
This is, of course, terrific news. But not everyone is delighted. While Petes drug dealers downsize, the Sun says that Mosss mum is less than pleased with her daughters choice of lover.
A friend of mum Linda tells the paper: She has gone loopy that Kate is back with Pete. It has made for a very tense Mothers Day.
But Linda, who spent Mothering Sunday with her daughter, should not worry too much – yet. A source, described as being close to Moss, tells the paper that things are not as they once were. Theyre not having a physical relationship, says the insider.
Even if, as a source tells the Star, the couple have been in close contact the past four weeks, they are not an item in the Biblical sense.
Although what sense has to do with it is debateable…’
Eviction Notice
‘REMEMBER Makosi? She was the Zimbabwe-born strumpet who paraded acres of quivering flash on Big Brother. She claimed political asylum. She talked about herself in the third person.
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We’ve seen enough |
Well, the Star reports that Makosi Musambasi is in trouble. As the headline says: VICE GIRL MAKOSI TO BE DEPORTED. Indeed, she is at the very top of the Home Offices deportation list.
When we first saw Makosi, we were told that she was a cardiac nurse. Now we hear she is a hooker, who has charged £1,500-a-night for sex. Of course, the two careers are not mutually exclusive, but until three-in-a-bed romps form part of patient care, such things are frowned upon.
And the plot thickens. Makosi has confessed to receiving £3,000 to have sex with a well-known TV presenter.
Who this person is cannot be revealed for something the Star calls legal reasons. This is a shame. If Makosi is skint, as the paper says she is, surely she could boost her bank balance by telling us the name of her celebrity client.
So let us hear what Makosi has to say. I felt so dirty I went home and cried, says she. I was desperate. I am not proud of it and I wont do it again.
Not proud of it? So why speak to the papers? Makosi is not one to keep anything dignified, let alone a silence, and it can only be a matter of time before this celebrity is unveiled…’
A Dog’s Dinner
‘HERES a headline that sounds just great: DOG FOOD HEALTHIER THAN A McDONALDS.
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Suddenly Barry felt full of life and bounce |
Of course, if you feed your dog a Big Mac and fries, this headline is not applicable. And it might not be entirely true. Rather like a succulent all beef patty enshrined in a soft white bap, the headline tastes better than the filling.
The news is that scientists have discovered that a container of Gourmet Gold cat food (cost: 38 pence) contains 2.9 of fat per 100g. A portion of Kentucky Fried Chicken chicken pieces hosts 23.2g (poa) of fat per portion. A McDonalds Big Mac and fries (£2.87) is laced with 12g of fat.
Of course, statistics can confuse. And the Mail looks at the results of John Searle, who carried out the study at the Global food-testing laboratory, and notes that a Big Mac and medium fries is saturated with 24.8g of fat.
Whichever set of data you believe, the apparent truth is that there is more fat in some mass produced take-away food than there is in meaty chunks in jelly, rabbit pâté and squirrel terrines. As the Gourmet cat food website boasts, their food offers the ultimate feline dining experience.
The same cannot be said of a McDonalds or KFC, although the Colonels bucket often proves more than useful.
And what goes for cats, goes for dogs. The Star says Cesar Dog food contains 4.4g of fat per 100g. And both cat and dog food contains lower levels of salt and sugar than human varieties.
What this means, at least to the Mail, is that your dogs dinner may be healthier than your ready meal.
But before you crack open a tin of Chum in search of that glossy coat, a to-die-for wet nose and a bouncier you, realise that such foods are low in fibre.
Which could mean it is not yet time to get on the pet food diet. Until you can get rabbit in jelly with added fibre, best keep eating the normal stuff – like a pig…’
Getting His Kicks
‘PETE Dohertys F***wit tour of the nations courtrooms is playing to rave reviews.
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Kicking – the new habit |
Dohertys latest performance has made the Stars front page. DOHERTY ATTACKS RADIO 1 GIRL, says the headline.
Inside the paper, readers see the fans massed outside Thames Magistrates Court, central London. Returning to the venue by police demand, Doherty went through his usual routine of pleading guilty to possessing drugs.
He confessed to seven charges of possessing heroin, crack and cannabis last December and January.
Dohertys backing group, The Stenographers, hit the keyboards and recorded the show for posterity. Doherty performed. The judge listened. And the verdict was that Doherty was free to go.
Fans may like to make a note that Doherty will be appearing at the court again after his next review hearing on April 12 (tickets still available for that).
And the lucky few might just see something new. Returning to that front-page headline, we note how on emerging from the show, Doherty threw himself into a series of high kicks. The Star notes how his boot came into contact with Radio 1 reporter Trudi Barber, sending her microphone flying.
There is no word from Trudi, but it is believed she is doing fine, and vowing never to wash her microphone ever again…’
Desert Norm
‘IN the pantheon of stories guaranteed to get the Press excited – up there with Model Takes Drugs, Footballers Sex Shame and Diana Mercedes Found On Moon – is any story to do with the SAS.
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Beats Margate |
The Sun even employs an SAS writer, the loquacious Andy McNab. SUN SECURITY ADVISOR AND EX-SAS HERO is on hand to cast his trained eye over the operation to rescue 74-year-old British hostage Norman Kember from somewhere in Iraq.
McNab talks about information being the most powerful weapon in war (comforting indeed for our soldiers equipped with non-firing guns and boots that melt in the heat).
The specialist then talks of the rescue. Using his in-depth knowledge, McNab muses that the rescue team would have been pleased to be unopposed. Well, he is the expert, and trained to kill, so let us not argue.
OPERATION DESERT NORM was, as McNab rightly says, another great success for the SAS. Kember is free. No-one was killed in the mission. This was a job well done.
And while Kember reflects on his experiences over a cup of Horlicks, and makes ready to collect his pension back pay and buy a celebratory packet of ginger snaps, the Mail shows us just how the raid played out.
SAS storms into free hostage Briton, says the headline. ++After 118 days of captivity, how they rescued Norman Kember++, comes a second headline, this one wrapped in code-like plus symbols lest it fall into enemy hands at the Express.
There then follow four drawings of what occurred. Readers see a helicopter flying before a very round sun. The Mail says helicopters were used to survey the hostage house. This is an artists impression of what one might have looked like.
Soldiers would have watched the building, and we see a man in a hard hat doing just that. And at 8am a heavily-armed SAS assault team stormed the building. The artist notes that one of the crack squad ran through a window; another entered via a doorway.
The three hostages (Kember was being held with two Canadians) are all seen unshaven and blindfolded. Kember wears the OAP uniform of beige shoes, grey jacket and light brown Comfi-Slax.
The only thing missing from the image is a shot of the kidnappers, believed to be members of the Swords of Righteousness Brigades.
Armed with just swords, they didnt stand a chance against the best weapon in war that we now know to be intelligence. So they ran. And, as the Star puts it, they are still running. Although we, like the military, dont know where to…’
Police Lite
‘WE live in worrying times. Some would say they are dangerous. So why did three schoolboys think it was a good idea to take a picture of an official lamp post?
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The war on terror goes on |
What madness took hold of Danny Finn, 12, George Supple, 13, and Michael Fern, 13, causing them to pull out a mobile phone/camera and take a photo of a lamp post?
Happily, the police view such incidents with a furrowed brow. Two community police officers arrived on the scene. They assessed the situation. They spoke to the boys and issued Danny with paperwork. It reads: Reason for stop: Was seen taking photos of lamp post spoken to.
Photos? The Sun says only one photo was taken. Was it one or was it more? While the Sun checks it sources, and the police interview the officers involved, young Danny returns to his home and presents his father, Steve, with the document.
I asked him whether he had been damaging the lamp post or causing a nuisance, but he insisted he hadnt, says Steve. Hes not that kind of boy.
But just what kind of a boy is he? And what are the odds on three boys all being enthused by a lamp post? The plot thickens…’
Forecourt Is Forewarned
‘THAT drudge might not be supermum Sharon Osbourne, but she is the only mother you have.
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Roses are red, violets are blue, I saw these tired broken stems and thought of you |
Sure she could swear more and cover the house in miniature dog poo from miniature dogs, but it is too late for her to change.
She can try to dye her hair red and tell the world how she and your dad are at it like rabbits, but in so doing so mum runs the risk of making herself look desperate and dreadful.
Remember that on Mothers Day. Oh, you forgot. Never mind, its not too late to go online and order a bouquet of red camellias. Granted, the flowers might go to the wrong address, be blue and arrive a week late, but it is the thought that counts.
To avoid the perils of Internet ordering, you could buy some flowers on the petrol station forecourt? Or from the chap in the middle of the road with a bucket of carnations?
But dont bother. The Mail has seen a survey in Which? magazine which says too many flowers are odourless, past their best and not worth the expense.
Worst of all was the Citrus Splendour arrangement bought from Asda. This scored four marks out of then and is described by the mother who received it as lopsided and past its best.
She goes on: Id be disappointed to receive it as a gift. One week later everything was dead.
So the message is loud and it is clear: do not buy mum anything. Better to draw a picture of some flowers and stick that in a vase. Or just tell mum they got lost in the post…’
Horses For Courses
‘IT is a great pity that Camilla Windsor could not add the title of Celebrity Mum of the Year to that of Spouse of the Year. She came close.
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Clothes airbrushed on for reasons of taste and decency |
The Star shows us that the Duchess of Windsor came fourth in the poll, pipped in the final furlong by Sharon Osbourne, Jordan and Kate Moss.
Perhaps if her son, Tom Parker Bowles, had been linked with more salacious tales of drug abuse; perhaps if her daughter, Laura, had developed an eating disorder; perhaps if Charles had taken to screaming Cazza! as he stepped in some Corgi poo Camilla would have won.
We may never know. And Camilla will have to make do with just the one gong. Not that she is letting the pasture grow beneath her well-shod feet. As the Sun says, Camilla is not one for brooding and has JOINED THE STRIPPERS.
Before Camilla trots off with a Stripping Mum of the Year trophy, know that these strippers belong to the Womens Institute famed for their NUDE calendars.
As Camillas local WI president Judi Mason-Smith says: The Duchess was very impressed with the real Calendar Girls but I dont think she will follow in their footsteps.
So what will Camilla get up to at monthly meetings at Tetbury Village Hall, near Highgrove?
The Sun mentions such racy activities as cake sales. And listening to the upcoming discussion: The Sari: an Indian Tradition.
Both activities may or may not involve nudity. But Camilla was fully dressed when the Mirror caught up with her in Egypt.
Many things do to with Camilla contain a horse theme, and Egypt is no exception. On visiting Cairos charitable equine sanctuary, Camilla gamely took hold of a carrot and offered it to a horse.
Which was a cue for Prince Charles to lean over and utter: Your first carrot, darling.
On first glance, that might sound a bit off, but when placed in the context of Charles comment on tampons, it adopts a sinister undertone. None the less so if Camilla is stripping…’
Return Of The Mummy
‘FIRST she marries Prince Charles and now Camilla has been voted Spouse of the Year for her strength and conviction in the public eye. So much for horse-faced Camilla, the wicked stepmother who did down our Princess of Hearts.
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A plummy mummy |
Right it is that Camilla should appear in the Mirror smiling broadly as she realises her latest triumph. She is thrilled to bits (Mirror) and absolutely knocked out (Sun).
We who have forgiven Camilla much would surely now forgive her some more were she to toss her head back, let loose her expensively maintained mane and break into a celebratory cantor.
But there is a time and there is a place for such antics, and standing in one of Egypts oldest mosques while on a Royal tour with her husband is neither.
The Mirror looks at the demure CAMILLA OF CAIRO, her head covered in a white hood, and notes her smile. The Sun prefers to look at Camillas bare feet (Duchess of Corn-wall) and focus on her red nail polish.
But it is the Mail which surveys the entire scene and senses something else. What is it about Camilla that looks so familiar? Why, if it isnt Echoes of Diana.
As the paper reports, 14 years ago, Diana made a visit with Charles to the same Egyptian place of worship. For that trip, Diana wore a limegreen dress which had fashion critics in raptures.
The Mail duly jogs more memories of the late fashionistas by raiding the picture archives and producing three shots of Diana in her mosque chic.
To compare and contrast Diana with Camilla, the Mail also prints three shots of wife No. 2, who can be seen in a dove-grey calf-length tunic and white silk trousers.
She looks pretty good does Camilla, every inch the Spouse of the Year; never more so than when the Mail notices Charles slip as he climbs a set of stone steps. You were told not to do that, Camilla tells him, wagging her finger for added drama.
But Camilla should not be so harsh. Might it be that Charles did not trip, but was knocked from his regal stride by some other force? As the Star says on its front page: DIANAS GHOST HAS ROYALS BY THE GHOULIES.
Is it any wonder the heir to the throne cant walk properly..?’
Chip & Veil
‘JORDAN and Pete Andre are back doing what they do best. Thats right, they are in the papers telling everyone and anyone how very much in love they are. Their love is real. Their love is lasting. Their love is so real and so lasting they plan to renew their wedding vows.
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Jordan remembers how things used to be |
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We mean to cast no shadows on Jordan and Peters mental capacity, but they only tied the knot in September last year, and while their lives are whirlwinds of real and lasting love, can they already have forgotten what they said to each other on that wonderful day?
It would seem so, as the Star says that Jordan and her pint-sized husband intend to do it all over again in…Disney World, home of Mickey Mouse and super-sized American children in massive shorts and fake ears.
Jordan explains. Because of the hectic run-up to our wedding, with the planning and my post-natal depression and everything I was really stressed.
Go on… But Im in such a good place now I would really like to go the [Disney World] and have a blessing or something were talking about it now.
Given our extensive knowledge of the theme park, Jordan and Petes something might take the form of a huge stick of candyfloss, a ride on Space Mountain or a moonlit walk on Tom Sawyer Island.
While Jordan considers the many wonderful and family-themed options available at Disney, and Donald Duck gets ready to read the wedding banns, Jordan thinks about her dress.
Problem is, shes cant find anything to fit Chip and Dale into. As the Sun reports, Jordan says gravity has taken its toll and her breasts are not as pert as Messers Nip n Tuck intended.
So she is thinking of surgery to replace them. Which could see the end of Jordan as we know her, and the introduction of a popular new bouncy ride at Disney World…’
Pink Pounding
‘PINK, that faux punk poptart, is in London for a secret show, and one fan has forked out £1,500 for a ticket.
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And don’t comeback |
To the Sun, this is news. And to Pinks PR it represents value for money and exposure for the singer who is coming to London to, as the chanteuse says, get the party started.
But nothing can begin until Pink has had a 12ft pole erected in her dressing room. The Mirror has consulted its insiders (or read another press release) and says Pink is planning to give husband Carey Hart a sexy surprise with a private dance before her show.
Of course she is. There can be no better way for a performer to warm up for the gig than by climbing a massive metal pole. Rock and roll, baby.
And while we thrill to that, and Pinks insurers check the validity of the story, the Star says that something yet bigger is being planned.
The Star says that Pink wants to fight Paris Hilton live on stage. Paris says Pink is using her to try to launch her comeback. Pink says: She says I used her for my comeback. Well, spell it, Paris. Spell comeback.
While Paris get to grips with that challenge (c…u…m…), Pink invites her onstage for a punch up.
Its something we would love to see. But at £1,500 for a ringside seat, and with Paris still working on her letters, the bout might not happen. In which case, we might have to leave it until Pinks next comeback tour…’
Not Taking The Biscuit
‘EVER since Kelly Osbourne told us that she has lost 2 stone and asked Can you believe it? (see Anorak Go Figure), we have been wondering how she did it.
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The face that munched a thousand Jammie Dodgers |
Kelly claimed that she did not shed the weight at the gym. Can you honestly see me working out? asked Kelly. Ever up for a challenge, we rubbed our temples, closed out eyes and tried hard to imagine Osbourne dressed in an orange Lycra bodysuit pounding a treadmill and sweating like a Hollywood brat on Vicodin. But it was too much. And we failed.
The mystery of Kellys weight loss deepened, and we thought it would never be solved. Until now. As the Mirror reports, Kelly has lost the weight because she has…stopped eating Jammie Dodgers.
As Kellys hair stylist Terry Longden says: There was never just one packet in her dressing room – they left a case. Nobody was allowed to touch them. We knew better than to come between her and her Jammie Dodgers.
Oh? So what happened when Longden took one? I pinched one and she chased me down the tour bus.
Wow! These tour buses must be at least 40feet long. And we can only imagine how much more weight Kelly would have lost had Longden stolen more of her biscuits and hired a longer bus, with or without an onboard gym…’
What’s In A Name?
‘AT last. After months of intrigue, heated pub debate and indecision the papers have reached a consensus – Coleen McLouglin spells her name with one l and two es.
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Chic and cheerful |
Since first capturing the presss attention as she bathed in a bikini at World Cup 2002, Coleen has been Colleen, Coleene, Colleene and more. And none of that really mattered because Coleen was, in essence, always Wayne Rooneys girlfriend, and we can all spell Wayne.
But now she is a woman in her own right, the papers have taken the trouble to look at one of the many cheques made out to her and noted that she is Coleen.
And Coleen receives lots of cheques. As the Star says on its front page, Coleen has earned a not inconsiderable £5million in less than a year, a figure that rises to £5.5 million inside the paper.
Looking at the payslips made out to Coleen, the Star notes that she is paid to promote Nike (£1.5m) and Asda (£1.5m), writes a column in Closer magazine, has agreed a £2m deal to write a fashion-and-lifestyle-book and earned £250,000 for a fitness DVD.
Thats a lot of cash. And it buys a lot of bikinis, some of which appear over a double-page feature in the Sun.
The paper notes that to go with her earnings, Coleen tucks a reported £100,000 spending money a month from lover Wayne into the pockets of her trademark baggy velveteen tracksuits. And that buys even more bikinis.
But can it buy style? Can any amount of cash imbue the young Scouse girl about town with savoir faire and daring? As the Mail succinctly asks, is Coleen CHAV OR Chic?.
Alongside a shot of Coleen in said baggy velveteen tracksuit (mauve), Liz Jones, a Mail columnist and former womens magazine editor, says Coleen is Chic. Karen Clarkson, a writer and celebrity stylist agrees. Thats two nil to the chics.
But this is an article of two halves, and Mail writer Amanda Platell, writer Helen Firth Powell and comedian Jenny Eclair scream Chav. Thats 3-2 to the chavs. The chavs have it.
And if they want to look like Coleen, they can have it in a checked Burberry bikini…’
Football Hooligans
‘LOOKING at Wayne Rooney it is hard to believe, but the Mail uses a headline to announce: Playing football turns children into hooligans.
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He says that unless we let him score he’ll bomb our house |
Psychologists at Glasgow Caledonian University questioned 169 children aged 14 and 15 about their hobbies and found that those who play football are more likely to play truant, take drugs and steal.
The sportsmen might be 4 per cent more likely to break the rules than girls who play no sports, but they are surely also more likely to be better at football. And that, as the Sun says, is what the Government wants more than anything.
Because, as the Sun reports, being good at football tackles Britains yob culture.
As part of a Government-sponsored campaign called Kickz, footballerz will take time out from swearing, spitting, fouling and cheating to get kidz on the path to righteous productivity.
Sadly, not everyone can be a professional footballer and earn thousands of pounds a week for a kicking ball, but at least now the kids can meet one, and that can only be a good thing.
Unless, of course, the protégés take the wrong message from their mentors and start to actually play the game, in which case they are on slippery path of self-destruction and Azbos…’
Bubble Trouble
‘WARNING: READING THE DAILY MAIL MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO HEALTH.
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J’acuzzi |
A selection of things that will kill you and yours from last weeks paper of doom…
MONDAY
Binge-drinking epidemic will make liver disease soar Says British Society of Gastroenterologists
TUESDAY
The asthma trigger Risk of childhood asthma increases in babies given antibiotics, scientists warn So suggest scientists at the University of British Columbia
Did my beloved mother die too soon? Its one of the biggest killers of women, but ovarian cancer rarely hits the headlines. Here actress GWYNETH STRONG says faster diagnosis could have saved her mother
NHS computer puts patients at risk Nuffield Orthopaedic Centre, Oxford, files a serious untoward incident and notifies the National Patient Safety agency about possible risks
Hospital and power plants face cuts as gas runs shorts If we run out of gas, hospitals will have to get their power from elsewhere
Father dies after doctors miss cancer 37 times in 14 months The sad story of Peter Cura
WEDNESDAY
Cancer-risk toxin found in cod liver oil capsules Dioxins with your processed fish oils, madam?
Two-year-old who has had a lifesaving heart operation halted seven times The trials of Lily Carter
SO ARE NURSURIES BAD FOR CHILDREN? …yes, says a controversial new book by childcare guru Steve Biddulph. Here, he reveals why having once been a supporter he now believes nurseries DO damage pre-school children. Well, he does have a book to sell…
THURSDAY
The hidden danger that can lurk in spa pools Governments Health Protection Agency says pools can cause infection
Do ALL Western women have an eating disorder? Thats the astonishing claim made by a magazine editor. So is it nonsense? Or disturbingly accurate Maureen Rice, editor of Psychologies magazines, takes a look at Posh Spice et al
FRIDAY
Warning to Atkins dieters after woman ends up in intensive care The diet can lead to ketoacidosis, caused by a dangerous build-up of ketones in the blood
Cancer patient has wrong kidney taken out by surgeon John Heron, 64, is less than chuffed with the NHS’
The Bloody Prince
‘YOU know its a slow news day when Prince Edward is making headlines.
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You don’t get this in a republic |
Whereas just seeing Prince William parading in Number 1 Full Ceremonial dress at Sandhurst and later having his hair ruffled by girlfriend Kate Middleton are stories deeply worthy of the Suns attention, Eddie, The Weed In Tweed (TWIT), is usually passed over.
So too TWITs sister-in-law, the fragrant Camilla. The Mails news of her impeding trip to the Middle East, and how she has spent £17,000 on a cover up wardrobe, is vital.
And, yes, Camilla is taking along Hugh Green, her favourite crimper. For a reported £4,000 a week, Green will do Camillas hair just so, and then tie a scarf over it lest she drive the men and women understandably wild.
Such tales are staples of the daily news agenda, the kind of stuff readers demand to know and newspapers make it their business to cover.
But Eddie? Whats THE BLOODY PRINCE been up to? Well, as the Mirror reports, the Queens youngest son has been heard swearing on Australian TV.
Before we condemn Eddie for his outburst, and wonder if he will now carve out a niche for himself as Prince Philips protégé, we again note that this was Australian TV, a place of hyperbole and raw-tongued enthusiasm.
As the Mail says, the people down there even used the word bloody to induce people to visit their sunburnt land. Problem was that when Britains television regulators heard the Australian tourist board ask Where the bloody hell are you? they baulked. The bloody word was vetoed – it was too fruity for our soft British sensibilities.
But Eddie had already heard it, and, like all small boys wishing to look tough and grown up, couldnt wait to stick the rude word into his speech.
So, as the Mail says, when during a TV interview Eddie became upset by his private secretary tapping on a laptop computer, he saw he chance to impress and, perhaps, bond with his audience. Said Eddie: You dont know how annoying that bloody clicking is over here.
To which the presenter mumbled: So its OK for royalty, then.
Yes, it is. This presenter nailed the situation perfectly. Behaving as they wish is what makes Eddie and his kin royalty. Eddie can swear if he wants to.
It gives him the common touch. It might even make him an honorary Australian…’
Monkey Business
‘HOW long do you suppose it takes two white-fronted marmosets and nine black-eared marmosets to produce Anorak, let alone the Bards complete works?
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You pay peanuts… |
And please bear in mind that the simians will also be expected to take dictation from two pairs of parrots.
This is, naturally, a hypothetical question. We are no more in possession of those beasts than we have a small penguin called Toga living in our chest freezer.
We just ask the question in light of the Mails news that, like said penguin, the monkeys and birds have been stolen from a zoo. And Danny Reynolds, owner of Exmoor Zoo, North Devon, is pleading for their safe return.
Unless they are looked after by someone who knows how to care for them, they are going to die, says Reynolds. He continues: Whoever has done this deserves to be strung up.
And if that is not warning enough for the criminals, Reynolds reminds them that he has the monkeys DNA on record, making it hard for crooks to sell them to another collection.
But still there has been no word from the thieves or monkeys typed or otherwise.’
Navy Blue
‘THERE is intelligence and, then again, there is military intelligence. And shining a bright light into the ears of our uniformed supremos is the Sun.
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‘This one’s called ‘HMS Torbay’, Magnus’ |
Before we go on, we ask you to consider this. And note that giving a correct answer may well enable you to be fast-tracked to the upper echelons of the Royal Navy.
Our question runs: If you do not want your submarine (an underwater boat) to be seen, what colour would you paint it. Please note that the sea is blue.
Red would indeed present a clear warning that you are ballsy and up for a fight. Pink is modern and inclusive. And stripes can be slimming.
Those are worthy answers. But the correct reply, as the Sun says, is blue. The paper writes that Navy boffins have conducted exhaustive trials and lab tests and have concluded that the best way not to be seen in the sea is to paint your vessel blue.
As Lieutenant Commander Steve White tells the paper: This should make subs twice as hard to spot.
And about three times as likely to be harpooned by a passing Japanese whaler…’
Children Of Fortune
‘THE glitzy award season has been and gone. A swathe of the North London populace has returned from Los Angeles, the winners are finding it easier to book tables at the best eateries and the losers are telling anyone who still bothers talking to them that prizes are vulgar and offend art.
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Is ASDA like an ASBO? |
But, as the Sun reports, one award is left to give. Who will be the Celebrity Mum of the Year?
The paper says that in the running for the prize is one Kate Moss, known to the masses outside the kindergarten gates as Cocaine Kate. Shes a model mum, starring in photoshoots for some of the biggest fashion houses, and one of the smaller recording studios.
KATES ON SNORTLIST FOR MUM OF THE YEAR! says the Star. It says she is a shock contender in the running for this most worthy of prizes.
But where is the shock? As the Sun notes, the current holder of this esteemed title is none other than single mother Kerry Katona. Like Moss, tired and emotional Katona was separated from her offspring by a spell in rehab.
Indeed, looking down the list of agonists, it becomes pretty clear what kind of criteria the judging panel looks for when it comes to giving some celebrity mum the silver-painted dummy, or whatever form this prize takes.
The final list includes none other than the ubiquitous professional swearer Sharon Osbourne, a woman so keen to do right by her adolescent children Kelly and Jack she invited cameras into her dog-poo infested family home to film their every move.
Yes, those brattish, spoilt kids who were, as reports say, on Hillbilly Heroin, or Vicodin, during filming. Perhaps it is because Sharon is such a terrific mum that her kids felt safe enough to get off their faces at home, secure in the knowledge that mum will tuck them in and, if necessary, take them to hospital in moms taxi.
And then theres Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall, the woman who was so good to Princes William and Harry she slept with their mums husband. Perhaps Camilla did this to keep Charles satisfied, selflessly performing for her country so Diana didnt have to?
There is much for the judges to discuss. Will Kate, Sharon or Camilla be able to defeat the challenge of those other mums, like Gail Porter, Liz Hurley, Jools Oliver and Jordan?
The tension mounts…’
Getting It Up
‘HE wears it well, a little old fashioned but that was all right. Rod Stewart can get away with having erect hair. He is a rock star, and he can father a child in his sixties.
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It’s amazing he ever reached that high |
But something has changed. As the Mail shows in a shocking photograph, Rod has changed his hairstyle for the first time in living memory. Gone are the spikes, replaced by a shaggy perm of the type that sits atop Anthea Turners bouncy head and once kept warm on Ian Botham.
Rod looks changed. He looks like his lover, Penny Lancaster. Accompanying the picture of Rods limp locks is a shot of Pennys similarly styled mop.
The Mail notes the likeness, and suggests that it is Penny who has tamed the Stewart locks. These his n hers hair-dos do suggest a two-for-one deal at Rods favourite Mayfair salon.
But might it be this flat-look Rod is indicative of something else? Is age catching up with Rod the Mod? Can he no longer get it to stay up? Does Viagra come in a gel?’
A Bolt From The Blue
‘NO one gets out of here alive. So goes the message at Spenborough Abattoir, near Huddersfield, West Yorkshire.
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Escaping the chop |
But rules are made to be broken, and we read in the Express of Larriet the lamb.
We pick up the story in a holding shed, where a nameless ewe, part of a batch of 60 Swaledale sheep, is giving birth.
Things go well. And before long a wee lamb is standing on shaky legs and mewling for its mothers milk. Only mum is about to be offed, and since the lamb is part of the herd, rules state that it too must go the way of so many chops.
The doors open and in step the hired killers. They spot the lamb and they take pity. As abattoir director David Gawthorpe tells the paper: None of the lads would kill the lamb 10 of them said no. Both the lamb and ewe are fit and healthy and everything has a right to live. (Until it is killed by a bolt to the head, naturally.)
But rules are rules – the lamb had to die. The abattoir asked the Department for Environment and Rural Affairs to make an exception. We told Defra to do it themselves and they wouldnt do it, says Brian Mallinson, who manages the slaughterhouse.
But Defra still wanted the lamb and ewe to be killed. So the abattoir hired Stephen Lomax, a barrister, to plead their case. Lomax made repeated calls to Defra. We do no want to kill a newborn lamb just for bureaucrats, he says. Not even for their lunch.
Time ticked by. And then a call: the lamb would be spared. But what of mum? Lomax continued his appeal. And with just an hour to go before the ewe was to be silenced, she too won a reprieve.
Ewe and lamb will now be moved from the abattoir to a farm, where they will gambol in the fields and, as the Mail says, live out their lives in contentment on a breeding farm.
From where Larriet will lead a campaign to be reunited with her father, who is, alas, still missing…’
The Exploding Head(lines)
‘WE SAW HUMAN GUINEA PIGS EXPLODE, says the Suns front page, and we grow pale.
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Myfanwy Marshall feels the pain |
Remove the word human from this shocking headline and a nation of animal lovers takes up arms. Replace guinea pigs with dogs, and the Sun screams STAMP IT OUT. But these are exploding humans, and the paper lets them speak for themselves.
Only, you cant hear their words over the piercing cries of extreme pain as the trial inflammatory drugs injected into six healthy volunteers does its worst.
But Raste Khan was well placed to see what happened when the men were injected with the toxic brew – he was given a placebo, so escaped unharmed. And he tells all. Says Khan: Some of them screamed that their heads were about to explode.
And then they did. Kaboom! Right? No. Wrong. The Suns headline is incorrect. No ones head has exploded. And, since you are wondering, scientists have yet to mate a guinea pig with a human.
So much for that. But what of the writing, vomiting, tearing at shirts as they screamed their heads would burst? Well, that is all true. Khan says so. The 23-year-old poses for the Suns snapper and says how the scene was like a horror film being played before his eyes.
While talking about his ordeal possibly offers Khan some kind of comfort, readers might suppose such horrific stories only administer more pain to the victims relatives and friends.
You may be right in thinking that. And to emphasise just how much agony these loved ones are in, the Express produces shots of two of the poisoned mens girlfriends, Marian Bayford (TEARS) and Myfanwy Marshall (ANGUISH).
Marshall, her face wracked with pain, composes herself long enough to speak to the press about boyfriend Ryan Wilson. His chest is puffed out, says she. His face is out here, like Elephant Man, its completely puffed.
For those readers unaware what this Elephant Man is – the figure who gives the Mail, Express and Star their headlines – the Star produces a picture of the creature.
We who have seen this hideous image can only say that Mr Man does not look well. But stress that the tragic Elephant Man never took part in drugs trials at a private London clinic, to the best of our knowledge.’
