Mullah Time

‘OUR open contest to find the new face of Muslim extremism in the UK has been disappointing.

We had hoped that with no-handed, one-eyed purple people eater Abu Hamza in chokey, some bearded fundamentalist, preferably Muslim and on benefits, would step forward and take over.

Our early favourite for the vacant post of resident nutter had been Anjem Choudary. His credentials looked pretty impressive.

As the Express reports, Choudary once worked closely with Omar Bakri, the Tottenham Taliban, and has said he could see no reason why there would not be repeats of the 7/7 bombings. Better yet is the news that he has been arrested.

As the paper says, Choudary is one of five men who have been pinched for incitement to murder after the demonstration last month outside the Danish Embassy in London.

So far, so good. Trouble is, Choudary lacks that charismatic spark of lunacy that really gets the paper’s excited. And to emphasise Choudary’s failings, the Sun shows us how an expert does it. Pray be silent for the aforesaid Bakri.

Speaking from his bolthole in Beirut, the intolerant owner of a green Ford Galaxy tells the paper: “All my family – I have a large family – are coming to join me. We are even taking our cat and we are going to leave you English dogs.”

Since we Brits love dogs, that should be just fine, the tin lid on what Inayat Bunglawala, of the Muslim Council of Great Britain, and Labour MP Andrew Dismore, see as good news.

But with Bakri gone, Hamza doing Pot Noodle (see Anorak: Off His Noodle) and Choudary not up to the task, who will be our resident Islamic loon? Send your entries to the usual address…’

Posted: 16th, March 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

They Wannabe Alone

‘YOU want some good news? Sure you can handle it? Ok, here goes: the Spice Girls will not be performing in a reunion tour.

Promoters had pencilled in dates for November and December this year to mark the tenth anniversary of the group’s debut single, Wannabe, getting to No.1 in the charts.

But the girls have thought better of it. A source tells the Sun that Melanie C, the band’s Coleen McLoughlin template – albeit in a shiny shellsuit to Coleen’s baggy velveteen number – wants to concentrate on her solo career.

Her Poshness is now “heavily into fashion”. The source says that Vicky realises the gig could be a “PR disaster”.

And the idea of a heavily pregnant Geri Halliwell fighting herself into a Union Jack dress and stacked heels to kick the air with Girl Power is frightening, and no way for a child to come into the world.

But not all parts of the act were against it. The Sun says that Melanie Brown, the Scary one, wanted to do it. And for personal reasons – some of which may be perverse and worthy of examination – Emma Bunton thought it was a good idea to reprise her role of Baby Spice.

But it is not to be. And we can now consign the Spices to history, along with Posh’s singing career…’

Posted: 16th, March 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

(Track) Suits You

‘LAST week, Victoria Beckham came down from on high and delivered her 10 Commandments for a better dressed you (See Anorak: ‘A Perfect 10’.)

Follow these rules and you too can be as Posh, no longer wandering the fashion wilderness, but heading for the Promised Land – Japan, “because they make everything in tiny sizes”.

But not everyone is as Posh, and today the Mail brings the counter argument voiced by another footballer’s lover, the chavtastic Coleen McLoughlin.

In her weekly column for Closer magazine (we read it so you don’t have to), Coleen tells us how you too can look like a full-figured girl in a baggy velveteen tracksuit.

So without further ado, let’s see what she has to say, focusing on a few of her key points. Take it away, Coleen:

1. Don’t worry about size. Says Coleen: “If it’s too tight, it’ll look cheap.” And since her Wayne’s got loads of money, Coleen can wear a baggy velveteen tracksuit.

5. Knickers. Coleen: “Visible knicker lines don’t do anything for anyone.” Even if they are voluminous granny kickers. Eh, Wayne?

8. Accessories. Coleen: “Accessories can make even ordinary outfits looks special.” So use your boyfriend’s cash to invest in a huge diamond ring, just the thing to set off any baggy velveteen tracksuit.

10. Nightwear. Coleen: “You don’t have to spend a fortune and you can’t beat Primark for pyjamas.” You don’t have to, but if you can spend a fortune, go for it.

Now all you need to get the Coleen look is to date a millionaire footballer. And buy a baggy velveteen tracksuit’

Posted: 15th, March 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Off His Noodle

‘WITH no mad mullah stepping forward to take on the role of Britain’s resident Islamic nutter at large, the Sun is forced to see what one of the old guard is up to.

And unsure where Omar Bakri is, that old stager known to one and all as the Tottenham Taliban, the paper turns to Abu Hamza, who, as has been widely reported, is languishing in Belmarsh jail in South-East London.

And the news is that Hamza is unhappy. The “hate preacher” is less than chuffed with the prison food. So bad is it that he is on hunger strike.

Hamza, who could do with losing a few pounds, has also persuaded 21 of his fellow lags to join in the complaint. And they will carry on starving themselves until the Pot Noodles he is served every day are flushed back down the toilet from whence they came.

A source tells the paper all. “Hamza thinks Pot Noodles are peasants’ food,” says the insider. “He argues that he is a large man and the watery snacks are not enough to fill him.”

The image of Hamza twirling the noodles around his hooks is delicious, and undeniably more appetising than the snacks. (Perhaps Hamza’s hooks could be replaced by attachments, like whisks, ladles and measuring spoons. This would surely encourage and enable Hamza ‘The Human Food Processor’ to make his own food.)

But Hamza is not amused. Either the food improves or he will never eat again. Which would be just awful, wouldn’t it..?’

Posted: 15th, March 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)

Home Sickness

‘“WAD A SPONGER,” says the Star’s front page, and we wonder if we should applaud “super-scrounger” layabout Mick Philpott, 49, who has fathered 15 children by five different mothers and wants “YOU” to pay for a bigger council house for him and his tribe.

He is the “DADDY OF ALL SCROUNGERS”, receiving £25,000 a year in benefits and paying just £68 a week in rent on a three bedroom house in Allenton, Derby.

But the family domicile is not big enough. Chez Philpott is full to bursting with Phil’s wife Mairead, 25, and the couple’s four children (Dwayne, Jesse James, John and Jack), and his lover Lisa Willis, 22, and her and Mick’s three children (Jade Louise, Shareen and Katrina). To complete the picture, Lisa is pregnant by Mick (that’s child No. 15). And Mick sleeps in a tent in the garden.

While we marvel at Mick’s capacity for parenting, and note how sleeping under the stars is good for the male sperm count, the man himself talks to the Sun.

“I used to love my country but I’m just sick of it now,” says Mick, who has had his application for a bigger council house turned own. “I’m really ashamed of what’s happening. Britain is going down the pan.”

He’s right. How can it be that a popular father figure has to live in cramped quarters when there are empty rooms and homes the length and breadth of the land?

With so little space to move in, it is little wonder Mick has sired so many kids, being forced to take advantage of what space he can get.

And it only gets worse when Mick’s other children – David, Richard, Michela, Mikey, Aiden and Joshua – come to visit with their assorted mums. It’s “intolerable”, says Mick. And what is more, it is unfair and cruel to the dog (a pet labrador called Goldie).

It is, as the Express says it is on its front page, “SHAMELESS”. How can such a thing exist in modern Britain?

As Ann Widdecombe tells the paper: “This man beggars belief. It’s the most preposterous thing I have ever heard of and it is a good argument for bringing back the workhouse” – or at least converting it into a home for poor Mick and his family…’

Posted: 15th, March 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)

Disappearing Act

‘LIKE Fred and Ginger, Desi and Lucille, Pinky and Perky and all those other great double acts that have entertained us down the years, the mention of one name demands the inclusion of the other.

And keeping alive this great vaudeville tradition is Jennifer Aniston, an entertainer whose name will be forever paired with Brad Pitt.

Brad used to be Jennifer’s better half, but then he left her and got Angelina Jolie pregnant, which made Jen the superior one. But, whichever way round the names go, Jen and Brad are inextricably linked.

But Jen has had it. She wants out. The Sun looks at a copy of Jen’s interview with Vogue magazine and hears the actress say she has had enough of being part of a “sick twisted Bermuda Triangle” with Brad and Angelina.

As she says: “It makes my skin crawl. Don’t make me your victim.”

That’s easier said than done, especially when we read in the Mail that 61-year-old Michael Douglas has been watching Jen and making mental notes.

While Jen’s skin crawls some more, and readers shudder from head to toe as if being attacked by an army of sexually aroused geriatric ants, former self-confessed sex addict Douglas gives his view on the affair.

“I don’t know about Brad Pitt leaving that beautiful woman [Jen] to go and hold orphans for Angelina Jolie,” says Douglas in reference to La Jolie’s two adopted children. “I mean, how long is that going to last?”

It’s hard to say. Jolie has already been married and divorced twice, and Pitt has famously split from Aniston. And then there is the creeping presence of Michael Douglas.

In Hollywood, relationships come and go, but some, like Brad and Jen, can endure…’

Posted: 14th, March 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Out Of Pocket Money

‘HOW much does a baseball hat cost? And while you’re investigating that, check out the prices on white vests and trainers.

We are struggling to come to terms with the Star’s headline that ferret-faced Kevin Federline has spent £26million of Britney Spears’ £60m fortune.

And it cannot go on. The Star hears a Spears insider say that though the singer has made lots of money she has “only” earned around £1million since her pregnancy.

And for an out-of-work dancer/rapper like Kevin that’s barely enough to keep him in Vanilla Ice CDs.

So Britney has put Kevin on a budget. She is giving him £250 a week pocket money.

As the paper’s insider says, Kevin will be given the cash for clothing, nightclubs and drinks. And as long as leaves himself with enough money for the night bus home, he should be fine. Because any big items like cars will need to be approved by his wife.

So no more homes (£16m on residences in Malibu, Las Vegas, Louisiana, Arizona, Florida, Manhattan), private jets (£7m), cars and bikes (a £100,000 Hummer, a £70,000 Range Rover and a £25,000 Harley Davidson) and gambling (he is said to have blown £3m on gaming tables).

And then there is the £1m the paper says Britney has spent on a recording studio at the couple’s Malibu home so he can rehearse for pop greatness.

Of course, this last splurge is really a prudent investment, and we are sure that when Kevin’s recording career explodes, Britney will get her money back, and then some.’

Posted: 14th, March 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Babe Watch

‘AFICIONADOS of red-top news might expect the story of how Corrie Drew, 24, opened her bedroom curtains in her bra and knickers to find two men fixing a CCTV camera by her bedroom window to be accompanied by a re-enactment of the event.

But Drew is no Page 3 stunna, and for the purposes of illustration she shows off the camera that sits just two feet from her bedroom windrow while dressed in a demure diamond-patterned pyjama top and jeans.

But others can see more. Speaking in the Mail, Drew says that the camera can see about a quarter of her bedroom, “including the part where I get out of bed and the mirror which I get changed in front of”.

While Big Brother and CCTV operatives at Bournemouth borough council, which installed the device, fight to verify or refute Drew’s claim, the watched women tells the Express how bad it has been. (The Express says that last July a security guard was convicted of surveying girls as they changed on the Bournemouth sands.)

“I have had to close the curtains even on sunny days,” says Drew. “It’s an intrusion into my privacy and they should move it.”

But the council will not move it. The camera is there to stay. However, a spokesperson does say that a “privacy feature” will be “programmed into it” to ensure it would black out personal property.

And as soon as a workman has climbed up to Drew’s window ledge to stick a bit of card on the camera’s lens, things will be just fine…’

Posted: 14th, March 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Es Are Bad

‘WARNING: READING THE DAILY MAIL MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO HEALTH.

A selection of things that will kill you and yours from last week’s paper of doom…

MONDAY

“Bird flu kills ten gulls in Channel ferry port” – Bird flu is close; not that H5N1 flu, but another strain

“Thin people still risk ‘bad cholesterol’” – Study at Brunel University found “almost identically high” levels of LDL cholesterol (which blocks arteries) in fat and thin people who did not exercise

“Vitamin E ‘may be a health hazard’” – The gamma-tocopherol form of the vitamin – found in many of the vitamin E supplements on the UK market – is a destroyer of animal cells

“Consultant told us our healthy baby should be aborted” – Tests showed Jaxon Scott was brain damaged. Parents ignored advice. And gave birth to a perfectly healthy boy

TUESDAY

“My GP said I was too young to get breast cancer. Within a week I was fighting for my life” – Nicky Walsh was 26 when the cancer struck

“Bottle-feeding baby raises risk of adult obesity” – University of Bristol investigates drinking issue

“How 24-hour drinking undermines lessons in good morals” – David Chapman, Chairman of the Society of Headmasters and Headmistresses of independent schools, says drinking is “probably the single greatest threat to the morale of our nation”

“I saved my father from a hospital nightmare” – “Joy Persaud always believed in the NHS until her father suffered a stroke. But after days of seeing him neglected on filthy wards, with doctors who didn’t know who he was and agency nurses who didn’t seem to care, she decided to take matters into her own hands”

WEDNESDAY

Chelsea lose to Barcelona. Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho blames NHS, bird flu, new Labour etc. etc. etc.

THURSDAY

“Addictive ‘cocktail’ may damage young brains” – E133 brilliant blue; E104 quinoline yellow; E621 monosodium glutamate; and E951 aspartame are all, according to a study by the Soil Association, potentially harmful to health when taken together

“The NHS is the Titanic of health care. Shifting the deck-chairs yet again won’t save it” – Writes Melanie Phillips

“KNIFED BY THE FAST TRACKS DOCTORS” – “In a bid to reduce waiting lists, Labour decided to ship in surgeons from abroad. The result, as this report by Britain’s leading investigative journalist reveals, has been a litany of botched operations and patients left in agony”

“Diets can hurt you and your baby, pregnant mothers told” – Dr Emma Derbyshire, of Manchester Metropolitan University, does the research

FRIDAY

Iran ‘could unleash terror across Britain’” – Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is public enemy No.1

“Low oxygen ‘causes DVT when you fly’” – Study at Leiden University Medical Centre, Netherlands, says long-haul flights place you at greater risk of deep vein thrombosis because of low cabin pressure and oxygen levels’

Posted: 13th, March 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Me And My Drugs

‘CAREER stalled? Stuck in the same old rut of appearing on reality TV shows and nodding your head on 100 Best TV Socks?

Don’t worry. Help is at hand. What you need is a drugs story.

Before he was, allegedly, found in possession of drugs, George Michael was invisible, just another man in a balaclava.

Boy George slunk into a New York courthouse a forgotten man. He came out with an order to attend a drugs rehabilitation programme and a renewed fame.

The adventures of cocaine Kate Moss and Pete Doherty have hardly harmed their careers: Kate continues to wear clothes and Doherty’s music is an irrelevance to his rich career as pop’s favourite “f***wit”.

So some on, celebs, tell us your drugs stories and we’ll see you get a mention in the Press.

Come on, Danniella Westbrook, former EastEnders actress and a women who nose (sic) a thing or two about drugs. The Sun is listening. What’s your drugs story, Danni?

Danniella says she snorted cocaine minutes after giving birth to her son Kai. In her autobiography, The Other Side of Nowhere, Danni says she staggered from the delivery room to take drugs.

She also smoked crack while pregnant with daughter Jodie. And once took so much cocaine she passed out. “My skin had gone green and my lips were blue. Kai was begging me to wake up.”

And wake up she did. And she remained awake long enough to pen her life’s story and tell us all about those drugs.

Problem is that all drugs stories are not the same. Tales of rockers and models getting off their faces in recording studios and their cars go with the territory.

A story of a mother taking cocaine in front of her toddler is sad, pathetic and unlikely to curry much favour.

It is unlikely to get Danni a modelling contract, a recording deal or even a job in Bridlington’s Christmas pantomime. But it might sell one or two books…’

Posted: 13th, March 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Beck & Forth

‘HANG a tailor’s dummy from a lamppost, lock up your knickers and book a hose at your colonic irrigationist’s – Posh and Becks are coming home to Blighty.

That’s the story in the Star, where readers learn that the Beckhams view a return from Madrid as the best way to save their faltering marriage.

The paper hears from friends of the couple who say the Beckhams are rowing all the time. Says a source: “If they stay in Spain, it seems things will just keep on getting worse between them.”

So they are coming back. And that means getting their Beckingham Palace mansion in Hertfordshire up to scratch.

The Mail looks on as the couple spend £500,000 on a 30-acre slab of pasture land adjoining their sprawling pad.

The pair were, apparently, worried that anyone could wander onto the land and peer into the Beckham garden. So they bought the pasture and have erected a 10ft barbed-wire-rimmed metal fence along its perimeter and two padlocked gates.

No longer can hikers, who had been using the land, gaze at the Beckhams going about their lives – although, unless the fence is soundproofed, neighbours might still be able to hear the couple arguing…’

Posted: 13th, March 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

True Bluebloods

‘SHE made it through the wilderness, somehow she made it through, and Camilla Parker Bowles was born anew.

Charles’s love thawed out; his love thawed out what was scared and cold.

And now, married to the heir to the throne, we read in the Star that Camilla is related to another royal – Madonna, the Queen of Pop.

Family trees have been climbed, and genealogist William Addam Reitwiesner says Camilla and Madonna are both descended from Zacharie Cloutier (1617-1708).

The Star notes that Charles spotted the family resemblance between his wife and the singer when Madonna lunched at Highgrove a few years ago.

Says the source: “He said she reminded him of Camilla because they’re both very particular about their home décor.”

Whether or not this is one of Charles’ euphemisms, a wry comment on the women who can sexualise anything from leg warmers to a tampon, is unsaid and not touched upon.

But we do hear that Camilla’s rock family also includes another popstar relative. Thanks to one Jean Guyon (1619-1694), Camilla is related to Celine Dion, the French Canadian chanteuse who croons about sinking ships.

With so much stardust being sprinkled about, Camilla should take care that it doesn’t go to her head. But we fear it is already too late.

Just like her famous relatives, Camilla can play the demanding diva and, as the Mail reports, spends up to £3,000 a month on her hair.

Apparently, stylist to the stars Hugh Green is the only man Camilla trusts on her tresses. And when she needs him, Green pops over from his Belgravia salon to tease and trim.

The paper says Charles is appalled at the cost, which he funds. And a “courtier” tells the Mail that the only other member of the Royal Family with a hairdresser on standby is the Queen. “The rest do it themselves,” says he.

This is hardly news by which to damn Camilla, given that the other Windsors are a composite mix of pudding bowls, comb-overs, deserts and helmets.

And unrelated to pop’s great and good…’

Posted: 13th, March 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Birds Against God

‘“AND he cried mightily with a strong voice, saying, Babylon the great is fallen, is fallen, and is become the habitation of devils, and the hold of every foul spirit, and a cage of every unclean and hateful bird” – Revelations 18:12.

Forget for a moment Noah’s raven and dove and know that birds have turned against God.

The Mail reports that woodpeckers are destroying an historic church by pecking at its 800-year-old wooden spire.

The paper has learnt that the birds, believed to be green woodpeckers, are using the spire of St Andrew’s, in White Colne, Essex, as target practice for their drill-like beaks.

The yet more unsettling detail is that this hammering, this desecration of something sacred to many humans, is – we cannot stand to say the words, but say them we must – intended to end in sex.

The noise of these ungodly beaks pounding away remorselessly at the church sends out a love signal to attract a mate.

Another church in nearby Great Henny, St Mary’s, is also under attack.

What to do? The authorities have tried building a decoy tower, but the birds are ignoring it. Still they chip away at the church.

It is distressing. But no-one said the war with the birds would be easy…’

Posted: 10th, March 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)

Brand Beckham

‘IS there anything we don’t know about Posh and Becks? We’ve seen them at work, at play, in the back seat of a car and read thrilling insights into their amazing life together in autobiographies and glossy magazines.

We have been left in no doubt that Victoria and Day-vid are deliciously happy and so very much in love.

Problem is, dissenting voices have wondered what it is they are in love with. Could they adore less each other and more the fame and cash their relationship brings? Are they a mere product?

The couple’s former nanny Abbie Gibson thought so. In an article in the News of The World, entitled “Posh and Becks on Rocks”, Gibson said the Beckhams’ marriage was a sham. They “cynically and hypocritically” sought to present an untrue image of their marriage to the public for financial reasons.

They were Brand Beckham, and we were the consumers, lapping up their sugary tales of love, more love and matching leather jackets to the point of nausea.

The Beckhams were appalled and aghast. They had been libelled. They would take the paper and the nanny to court, and they would win. As Posh said: “We do not deny that we promote ourselves as a happily married couple. We say that because it is true.”

And then, with the hearing scheduled for June, the Mail brings news that the Beckhams have changed their minds. They will not be taking the stand. The case has been dropped.

The paper says that so “desperate” were the couple to stop the action they agreed to pay the newspaper’s legal costs. Anything more than that will remain a mystery – matters have been settled on a “confidential basis” and both parties have agreed to never discuss the terms of the agreement.

That said, it is still hard to believe Posh passed up the chance to tell a captive audience in court how utterly in love she and Day-vid are. The great entertainer had a crowd – and she wouldn’t even have to sing.

But it is not to be. The judges can stand down. David’s ex-PA Rebecca Loos – that’s her naked backside on the Star’s cover page and enhanced chest on show inside the paper – can relax. So too can beautician Danielle Heath and model Esther Canada (both pictured in various states of undress). Your alleged flings with the footballer will not be investigated under fierce cross-examination.

Problem is that the rumours continue. Rebecca Loos has never changed her story that she slept with Beckham, and Heath has stuck by hers.

One source tells the paper that the Beckham marriage has “very real problems”. A family friend of the Beckhams says: “They are at each other’s throats the whole time and they barely speak to each other. Victoria is so unhappy that she is seriously contemplating getting out.”

And perhaps having her day in court – divorce court…’

Posted: 10th, March 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Tough Love

‘“I ‘LOVE’ Kate 4 eva.” The spelling is not flawless, but this is Pete Doherty, and his message, scrawled in black marker pen on the window of his gold Jaguar, is no less sincere for it.

Pete just loves Kate Moss. And Kate just luvs acupuncture. There she is in the Sun, showing the world her ear in which medics have administered the Oriental needle treatment.

Poor old Pete. While he’s hung up on Moss, she’d rather stick needles in her ears than go out with him. Life can be cruel.

But all is not lost. Having failed to grasp Ozzy Osborne’s quivering hand of help – the old rocker and shaker has offered to help Doherty kick drugs – another star is advertising her services.

The Star says that “rehab addict” Courtney Love has met with Doherty’s former Libertine’s bandmate Carl Barat, and he has asked her to help his mate.

“I’LL CURE DOHERTY’S DEMONS,” says the headline above a shot of Doherty biting on a cigarette and another of Love sat in the backseat of a car.

A source says that Love “sees herself in Pete” and doesn’t want him to end up like Kurt Cobaine, her former husband who committed suicide.

As Love says: “Someone needs to tell you what an ass you’re being – and you need to listen.”

And, like Moss, Doherty is all ears…’

Posted: 10th, March 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Bad Karma

‘COMPLETING our courtroom round up, the Sun spots “DOPEY GEORGE” in New York.

No, not George Michael, another dopey George – George O’Dowd, better known to you as Boy George, the Culture Club singer and the world’s most poptastic Hasidic Jew.

The Sun spots George leaving a New York court after being ordered to attend a drug rehabilitation programme.

Back in October 2005, George had called the cops and said that there was a burglar in his Manhattan flat. Police arrived and allegedly found 13 small bags of cocaine on the premises.

The singer claimed that the cocaine belonged to other people who had been attending a party at his place. Nonetheless, as the Mirror reports, George was arrested for drugs possession.

But the drug charge was dropped in a plea bargain. The deal stipulates that George will go to a drugs rehab clinic and do five days community service, which, as his agent says, could involve a DJ session to raise money for Aids.

And he will have a criminal record, having pleaded guilty to wasting police time.

But why did he do it? Why did George call police to his apartment? What was Pete Doherty doing last Tuesday? And who is that other George in the balaclava?’

Posted: 9th, March 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Week Minded

‘“WHAT sort of question is that to ask on a Tuesday morning?” asks Pete Doherty as he leaves Thames Magistrates’ Court in Central London.

Doherty had been attending a drug rehabilitation order review hearing, in which District Judge Jane McIvor praised Doherty’s “progress” in not testing positive for illegal narcotics. “His determination seems to be increasing, not decreasing,” she told all assembled.

So Doherty walks free. And, as the Mirror reports, a hack pop up to ask the singer if he is now drugs free. Doherty has no truck with such probing question about his personal life. Not on a Tuesday morning. But this was Wednesday, so perhaps the journalist who fielded the question should expect a simple “yes” or “no”.

Meanwhile, the other half of what was arguably once Britain’s most famous showbiz couple, Kate Moss, has got the needle.

Don’t panic! We know drugs can be injected intravenously – we have seen the anti-drugs campaigns on TV and read the Mail – this needle is one used in the art of acupuncture.

The Mail has a picture of Moss and, more precisely, Moss’s right ear in which two acid tab-sized plasters of some sort have been stuck.

While fashionistas rush out to stick plasters inside their own ears and so get with the trend, the Star says that the model is attending acupuncture sessions to beat her cravings for drugs.

Sue Cox, of the British Acupuncture Council, tells the Mail that the two points used on Kate’s ear are part of a five-point programme to alleviate symptoms such as stress, anxiety and depression.

We wish her well. And urge Doherty to follow suit. Appointments can be held on Tuesdays, Wednesdays – or whatever day of the week Doherty can remember…’

Posted: 9th, March 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Check Your Mirrors

‘SEE the learner driver with his hands, white at the knuckles, stuck fast to the wheel in the “ten-to-two” position.

He’s taking no chances. He knows the rules. Not for anything will he remove even one hand from the steering device – not to change gears as his car climbs a steep hill, not to release the handbrake as the lights change from red to green and not to deal with that unfortunate itch.

But once he’s passed his driving test, our motorist falls into bad habits. He smokes at the wheel. He picks his nose. He uses hand gestures not included in the Highway Code.

Take a look at the Mirror’s front page, where “dopey” Donna Maddock is pictured driving along at 32mph with no hands on the wheel.

This part-time mo-del is not disabled and commanding our attention thanks to her ability to steer with her teeth or hair extensions; Maddock has hands and is using them to hold an eye make-up brush and a compact mirror.

“LOOK! NO HANDS,” says the Star as it too sees the 22-year-old blonde’s moment of “madness”.

The picture of Maddock showboating behind the wheel was taken by a policeman. The traffic officer took the incriminating shot of Maddock driving her red Vauxhall Astra along the A499 Pwllheli to Abersoch road in North Wales.

Maddock ended up in a court in Pwllheli. Magistrates saw the picture. And they considered the evidence.

But before they can deliver their verdict, the Sun would like to hear from the accused. And the headline says so much: “I had to do make-up as I drove…I was seeing secret lover.”

So this make-up was meant as a disguise? Like some kind of clown – remember that driving with no hands – Maddock was applying the greasepaint to cover up her features. Note the red nose. See the sad, drooping eyes. Pay special attention to the inch-wide band of lipstick.

But Maddock is no circus performer. The Sun says that this “chav calendar girl” was just trying to look good for her date with a fella who lives with his girlfriend and their child.

“I must have looked like Penelope Pitstop driving along slapping the make-up on,” says Maddock hopefully. “But, it’s something all women do. I can’t see what all the big fuss is about.”

Of course she can’t see the problem – she’s looking at herself in a compact mirror.

Maddock continues her defence by saying how all her friends think it’s “hilarious”. She describes herself as being “so blonde”.

A spokesman for North Wales police has heard enough. Says he: “A car is a dangerous lump of metal…you need to be in control at all times and Miss Maddock’s actions beggar belief”.

Over in the Mail, a spokesman for road safety charity Roadpeace says it’s “a miracle that she didn’t kill or seriously injure someone”.

So, with the case for and against heard, magistrates fined Maddock £200 and endorsed her licence with six penalty points. The Mirror says the Beaks did consider banning Maddock from driving – until they realised she was recently disqualified for 20 months for driving with double the legal alcohol limit in her system.

Handless and legless – whatever will she do next?’

Posted: 9th, March 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

The Thong Debate

‘MANY voices have spoken on the great thong debate, but few have really understood the issue and made it their own.

So when we hear that Coleen McLoughlin, Wayne Rooney’s lover, won’t wear a thong, we are as expectant as we are excited.

Coleen has only just recently told us that Wayne thinks her bum looks too big in her baggy and shapeless Juicy Couture tracksuits. Her inside take on knickers promises much.

Coleen says she is far from surprised that a new report says women are ditching thongs in favour of the more expansive boys shorts-style pants.

“I’m not surprised,” says Coleen. “I only wear a G-string if I’m wearing something tight. Otherwise I prefer proper pants as they’re much more flattering.”

“Proper pants”, as Coleen is wont to call them, “show off her figure better.” The Star says Coleen hardly ever wears “sexy undies” for her man.

But here the paper is sadly wrong. Big knickers can be sexy. And, given the lurid allegations that Rooney cheated on Coleen with a 48-year-old prostitute known as Auld Slapper, a grandmother, the danger is that Coleen’s knickers are not big enough…’

Posted: 8th, March 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Heading For A Fall

‘CAN you trust a bird? What about something as flat and ordinary as a pigeon?

Phil Harrison has just discovered that maybe birds are not as bad as the papers’ have led us to believe. Perhaps birds are not all set to do us down with a deadly virus.

The Star reports that when a pet hawk belonging to Phil’s friend Alan Webster escaped and flew to a disused mill in Clekheaton, West Yorkshire, the pair gave chase.

They spotted the escapee, and Phil decided to climb a chimney and recapture it. Up high, he managed to grab the hawk. And then disaster struck. The metal pole Phil was using for support collapsed under his weight. Down he fell…onto a six-inch-deep pool of pigeon poo.

“Lucky” Harrison broke his back in the fall, and needed to be pulled free by firemen.

“It’s amazing to think that Phil’s life has been saved by a few inches of bird droppings,” says Alan.

Indeed it is. But perhaps we should consider why Phil was up so high in the first place. Did the birds save Phil? Or did the birds set Phil up for a fall?

Is this an example of man and bird co-existing in harmony, or a cautionary tale of things to come?’

Posted: 8th, March 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Posh Pushes

‘WELCOME to Celebrity Birthing Partners, the show that pairs famous birth virgins with star mums.

This week, as the Star reports, Katie Holmes will be paired with a professional celebrity mum of her choice.

Who will she go for? And for all you playing along at home and work, remember that Katie is opting for a natural birth – no C-section for this Hollywood star.

As the partner of Scientologist Tom Cruise, Holmes is banned from taking any drugs during the birth. She is also, as the paper reminds us, required to remain silent throughout.

(As Cruise is reported to have said: “Like anything, you want to be as quiet as possible.” Although not when jumping around on Oprah Winfrey’s sofa, naturally.)

Now you have the clues, have you guessed the identity of Holmes’s labour ward luvvie? That’s right. As the Star’s headline announces: “POSH TO HELP KATIE PUSH.” Holmes’s celebrity birth partner is none other than our very own Victoria Beckham.

The Star’s source says that the actress and retired singer are close pals. “Victoria has become a mother hen to Katie and was thrilled when she asked her to be her birthing partner,” says the insider.

“Twice a week they set aside half an hour to discuss any worries Katie might have and practise breathing techniques.”

And Vicky knows all about breathing, considering herself something of the expert in the field. As such, Holmes has chosen well.

And if La Beckham can teach Holmes how to kept her teeth clenched and lips puckered in the face of extreme pain (see Posh’s pout and the birth of Rebecca Loos as a shag-‘n’-brag celebrity), we are sure Holmes will perform wonderfully.

The only slight issue is that Vicky is too-Posh-to-push – all three of her sons were delivered by elective, planned C-sections. This is a case of do as I say and not as I do.

And lying back on the maternity ward gurney in total silence, and starkly sober, Holmes is in no position to argue…’

Posted: 8th, March 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Friends In High Places

‘MODEL booker Gavin Maselle’s incredible tales of models taking drugs and having parties have reached the highest echelons of power.

Having heard Maselle’s repeated claims that Kate Moss snorted cocaine in his South African mansion – this is Day Three of the Sun’s “amazing” Cocaine Kate “revelations” – Nelson Mandela breaks his silence.

A spokesman for the former leader says of his boss: “He didn’t realise Kate was drugged up.” He continues: “We hope with the help of family and friends, she’ll be able to get rid of this deadly habit.”

And Moss has friends, lots of them. One of them is called Gavin Maselle. And he’s been helping Moss confront her past by telling the Sun all about it. His is a task that deserves our praise and the model’s sincerest thanks.

But there is more to Maselle than just telling anyone and everyone about his famous pal. Today Kate’s mate tells the Sun about the married Hollywood heartthrob who “came on” to him one night.

Maselle was dumbstruck when this hunk followed him into the gents at Kabaret, a London club. “He did a line of cocaine then brushed up against me and ran his hands up and down my back…I got out of there in shock and just ran to the dance floor.”

But that was not the end of it. The “A-list Hollywood husband” gave chase. “He caressed my back and felt my a**e. I was frozen with shock,” adds Maselle.

Thankfully, Maselle has thawed out sufficiently to relive this ordeal in the national press. But he is still unable to deliver the name of this wayward star.

Which encourages us to wonder who this mystery man is – and what Nelson Mandela makes of it all…’

Posted: 8th, March 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Movers & Shakers

‘THE British were coming. But they were late. When the redtops did arrive at the Oscars, the prizes had been dished out, the gushing speeches made and the cleaners were busy mopping up the tears of joy and disappointment.

So much for the ceremony. What of the post-show dos? What about “The rude bits you didn’t see on the telly”? The Star’s front page promises much: “Madge’s lesbian romp; Clooney’s bonkathon; Keira’s night with Jack; Pammy’s mega-boob.”

Sounds good. So let us take a look. “No Guy needed,” says the Star as it leers at “saucy” Madonna setting tongues wagging as she hooked up with “her former lesbian lover” Ingrid Casares at the Vanity Fair do.

While Madonna’s muscles bulged suggestively as she and Casares danced, George Clooney was making his move on Krista Allen, who dated the Oscar-winner between 2002 and 2004.

The Star says that after picking up his best supporting actor award for the oil industry thriller Syriana, Clooney whisked the actress “straight” back to his Sherman Oaks home for a night of love.

How does the rich, handsome star do it, eh? Well, if you want to know how George manages to pull, then the Mirror offers an insider’s guide. The actor is said to have approached American TV reporter Guiliana de Pandi at the Governor’s Ball. A source says: “With his Oscar in his hand, he asked her: ‘Do you want to hold it?’ Then, with a glint in his eye, he added: ‘You can hold the Oscar too if you like.’”

Who needs looks and fame when you have a wit like that? George Clooney, that’s who.

In case you were wondering, this is the same Clooney the Star spotted partying at the Vanity Fair ball; the same George Clooney the Sun says “shunned” the after-show parties to get sozzled with his pals in a Dan Tana’s Italian eatery in West Hollywood.

“I’m going to meet by buddies,” said Clooney after the ceremony. “They’re with their wives – and I walk in with an Oscar. That’s the fun of it.” And, of course, there’s that bonkathon…’

Posted: 7th, March 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Crimes Against Fashion

‘“AND the Oscar for Breast Supported Actress goes to…” So says the Mirror as it shows us that when it comes to leering at women in dresses, it can hold its own.

While a source in the Star watches Jack Nicholson totter up to Keira Knightly and ask her “if she’s ever had the pleasure of an older, wiser man”, the Mirror looks down Madonna’s lilac creation, “so low-cut it almost turned her into queen of the pop outs”.

Almost, but not quite, because Hollywood bluebloods Dolly Parton and Pamela Anderson – if you’ve bought ‘em, flaunt ‘em – were showing off their orbs to full effect.

So much for the tops, what of the bottoms? Indeed, what of the whole ensemble – breasts, bottom, thighs and any other bits a snapper with his flash set to ‘X-ray’ can expose?

The Mail takes a look at the actresses in their dresses and concludes that almost all the women looked elegant. Almost! Who failed?

Step forward and make ready to sack your stylists, Charlize Theron, dressed in a Donatella Versace gunmetal grey monstrosity”, and Sienna Miller who wins the paper’s Worst Dressed Prize for a “dog-collared patterned sack”.

The Sun goes further still and calls Miller’s dress a “CRIME”. Not since Hugh Grant wore a syrupy grin in a police mug shot has a British thespian committed such a gross act of indecency over there.

And once again we see La Theron in that dress. You remember, the gown the Mail said carried the name Donatella Versace, the dress the Sun says is “edgy” and made by, er, John Galliano.

The same “over-the-top” Christian Dior dress the Star sticks a huge red “X” on? Of course you do. How can anyone forget it?

But at least the papers can agree on one ting – Britney Murphy looks great in that purple gown. Well, it is split almost up to her knickers…’

Posted: 7th, March 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Fried Egg

‘ALL this talk of dresses puts us in the mood for news of Kate Moss, one of the world’s premier wearer’s of dresses and, indeed, many other kinds of clothes.

And, happily, the Sun has news of Kate on its front page. “KATE’S OFF HER EGG,” says the headline. “She smuggled date rape drug in £65k case.”

The paper has it that Moss travelled the globe with a stash of Rohypnol secreted inside a jewel-encrusted Fabergé egg.

This is Day Two of the Sun’s “sensational Kate revelation”, and once again we hear from Gavin Maselle, a member of Moss’s “inner sanctum” (surely the Moss Posse).

“She took two Rohypnol pills,” says gay Gavin in what might be breathless tones. “We then lay on her bed chatting, then she passed out.”

An that’s not all this versatile vial held. Maselle notes that on one occasion the blue egg was crammed with 2gms of cocaine and ecstasy tablets.

For those of you who want to know more, Gavin spends two pages talking about how Kate did cocaine and took the date rape drug the night before she was due to attend a do at Nelson Mandela’s mansion in South AFrica.

Avid readers of these pages may recall hearing a similar story as long ago as yesterday when a certain Gavin Maselle told us that Moss took cocaine at Nelson Mandela’s mansion in South Africa.

And what with this being Day Two of “KATE’S SHAME”, the Sun may yet again choose to contact Maselle and ask him what else he knows.

And perhaps Maselle won’t be able to break what looks like fast-developing into a life-changing habit and start telling us about the time he was with Kate Moss and she took cocaine in Nelson Mandela’s mansion in South Africa…’

Posted: 7th, March 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment