All That Glitters

‘THE bad news is that the goldfinch population is on the rise.

Britain’s songbird contingent has plummeted by 40 per cent in recent decades but now the numbers are growing.

These are ominous times, and become darker still when the Mail reports that this upsurge in the goldfinch fortunes is partly down to humans putting out high-energy seed on bird tables.

These people are helping the goldfinch to increase in numbers – the BTO believes there are 300,000 breeding pairs in the UK – but in the war with the birds no quarter must be given for looks and voices.

While ugly turkeys and tuneless chickens are being slaughtered on the Continent as the bird flu moves ever closer, Britons are fattening up goldfinches.

Can this be right? BTO spokesman Martin Fowlie (his real name?) thinks so. He tells the Mail: “They really do brighten up the garden and it would have been a pity to lose them.”

Indeed, the Goldfinch, with its red face and yellow patches on its tiny wings, is a thing of beauty. But in the war with the birds might it harbour a darker, more malevolent side?’

Posted: 7th, March 2006 | In: Tabloids | 0 Comments

Pet Hates

‘WARNING: READING THE DAILY MAIL MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO HEALTH.

A selection of things that will kill you and yours from last week’s paper of doom…

MONDAY

Cannabis might turn you into a homosexual rock star – George Michael arrested on suspicion of possessing Class C drugs

TUESDAY

“BACK ON THE MOVE” – “Doctors warned Lynn she faced arthritis at 30. The cure? They would replace her worn-out knee joint – using cartilage taken from a corpse” – Lynn Scott tells us about her operation

“SLEEPING SICKNESS” – “Everyone complains about it. But feeling tired all the time isn’t just a symptom of modern life…you could have a real illness”

“Ban the French chicks. Experts call for a block on poultry imports to protect Britain from bird flu virus” – The foie gras is off, mes amis

WEDNESDAY

“Does using deodorants raise breast cancer risk?” – Molecular biologist Dr Phillipa Darbre thinks there might be a link

“Fear for pets as bird flu kills a domestic cat” – Berlin scientist Michael Schmidt says best not to take your cat to bed with you

“Potter ‘can lead to the Devil’” – Father Gabriele Amorth, the Vatican’s chief exorcist, says: “You start off with Harry Potter, who comes across as a likable wizard, but you end up with the Devil” – Priest ruins the Potter finale

‘Arthritis pain killer could double the risk of heart attack” – Doubts over Celecoxib, which became the top painkiller for arthritis sufferers after Vioxx was withdrawn from the market over safety fears

“Danger dance drug that may soon sweep the UK” – Methamphetamine is the new thing (again)

THURSDAY

“Butterfly population falls 30pc in a decade” – Climate change and new housing blamed. Butterfly flu ruled out…for now

“Alive and kicking, no thanks to doctors” – Reader Shirley Cadwell remembers when her mum fell ill and ended up in hospital. Mother and daughter survived the ordeal

“Cats dumped by Germans in panic over bird flu death” – Cats get the boot after a moggy infected with bird flu dies on a German island

“Soft drink cancer link” – Benzene – a chemical “linked” to leukaemia – has been found in a number of products

“THE WRINKLIEST LINK” – “Her facelift made her the envy of countless middle-aged women. Two years on, age appears to have caught up with Anne Robinson. This former editor of Cosmopolitan [Marcelle D’Argy Smith] says radical cosmetic surgery is always futile”

FRIDAY

“10PC of breast cancer treatment is ‘needless’” – So say researchers at Malmo University’

Posted: 6th, March 2006 | In: Tabloids | 0 Comments

Tea & Ice

‘OSCARS. What Oscars? If you want the skinny on showbiz stars winning prizes then you will have to make do with the Express’s story of how former Coronation Street actress Gaynor Faye scooped the top prize in TV’s Dancing On Ice.

There’s Gaynor in a sequinned blue mini-dress, holding her ice skate-styled trophy and preparing to thank her mum, her dad, her producers, the barman at the Rover’s Return who gave her an introduction to working with ice and so many others who helped her achieve her life’s dream.

It is just terrific news. And should Hollywood ever need an actress to play the female lead in Crash On Ice, Ice The Line or The Constant Skater, Faye is a shoo-in.

And… Oh, it’s no good. Let’s face it, if you are a serious actress, life is not about skating in Saturday night telly contests, it is about walking the red carpet and mingling with the great and good at the Oscars.

The papers might not have news of the winners, the dos and the disappointments, but the Star does spot Keira Knightly in tears.

As the Star reports, in the hours before the Oscars ceremony, Knightly – who was up for the best actress gong for her performance in Pride and Prejudice – had an attack of pre-ceremony nerves.

A teary Knightly was forced to scarper through the backdoor of LA restaurant The Ivy to evade fans pushing forward to wish her the best of British.

She made good her escape, and calmed down with a refreshing cup of tea back at the Chateau Marmont hotel with Sienna Miller pouring the calming brew.

Very soon all was right in the world again, and Knightly was able to carry on, putting on a brave face as she failed to win the best actress Oscar – and Dancing On Ice…’

Posted: 6th, March 2006 | In: Tabloids | 0 Comments

Chanel Changer

‘KEIRA Knightly might have failed to win the best actress Oscar, but she is in line to star as the new face of Chanel. And that means taking over from Kate Moss.

As a Chanel insider tells the Express: “There is no doubt at Chanel that Kate is gorgeous, but Keira is gorgeous and well-behaved, which is exactly the kind of image we like to project.”

Indeed. In times of stress Knightly reaches for the tea pot, while it is rumoured Moss prefers an altogether different kind of pick me up.

“COKE FIEND,” screams the Sun on its front page. “She snorted cocaine in Nelson Mandela’s house.”

This salacious headline is accompanied by a shot of Moss (black top – possibly Chanel) and a table laden with four lines of a white powder.

Inside the paper, over a double-page spread, the Sun “blows the lid on the sleazy drug-fuelled world” in which Moss once circulated.

Readers learn that the cover shot was not taken at Mandela’s official residence, but at the Table Bay Hotel, Cape Town, South Africa, back in 1998.

That was some time ago, and readers are forgiven for thinking that this is hardly breaking news. We are already aware of Moss’s link with cocaine and of her recent battle to clean up her act. What’s the scoop?

Well, according to model booker Gavin Maselle, during a formal evening at the Mandela mansion, Moss yanked him into a toilet and snorted a line of cocaine.

“She was insatiable,” says Gavin. “I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. We were there in Mandela’s house in the Bishop’s Court area of Cape Town – and Kate was doing coke.”

It is all so incredible. As we have said many times on these pages, the news of a model taking cocaine is as shocking as it is unbelievable. But the evidence against Moss is stacking up…’

Posted: 6th, March 2006 | In: Tabloids | 0 Comments

A Perfect 10

‘WHEN Victoria Beckham opens her mouth, small children believe they can make it as pop stars and dogs come to heel.

But Vicky is not singing. Today, Vicky is talking. And she is talking fashion.

In a conversation with Glamour magazine, Vicky steps down from the mountain and delivers what the Mail calls “My 10 style commandments”.

Follow these rules and you too can be as Posh, no longer wandering the fashion wilderness but heading for the Promised Land – Japan, “because they make everything in tiny sizes”.

So pay attention and listen to what the Mirror calls “THE WORD OF POSH”.

1. Visualise Your Overall Look. Posh wakes up, considers the look she is aiming for and pulls the pieces together. No more getting dressed in the dark. Right, girls.

2. Shop The World. Buy things in different countries. Don’t go to George at Asda, go to Gaston in Paris. Go on, break the habit.

3. Borrow From Another Era. Take inspiration from another decade. Dig out the marble denim and shoulder pads.

4. Invest In Timeless Classics. “Buy classics that will never date,” says Posh. Like trousers. And socks.

5. Find A Fashion Fail-Safe. Have something at home that always makes you look better. Posh has David Beckham and Stella McCartney jumper dresses.

6. Accessories Are Necessities. Posh loves Dior sunglasses. They cover most of her face. They are great.

7. Dress From The Inside Out. “You’re either a girl who always wears a matching bra and knickers or you’re not.” Posh is not. Well, Day-vid might have already nabbed the kickers.

8. Be Brave And Customise. Posh wears Gap T-shirts inside out. (See Rule 1 about getting dressed in the dark.)

9. Trust A Few Faithful Opinions. “I go with my own instincts when is comes to fashion,” says Posh. So now we know who to blame.

10. Classic Style Must-Dos. “If you’re revealing lots of cleavage, you should have your legs hidden…Don’t let it all hang out. It’s must sexier to leave a little to the imagination.” For sure. If you doubt that, check out those countless shots of Posh is dresses slashed to the naval, low-cut tops and mini-skirts.

Amen.’

Posted: 6th, March 2006 | In: Tabloids | 0 Comments

Mirror, Signal, Mirror

‘IF you are reading this while driving, note that your rear fog lights are on. Also note that this might be the last thing you see before you plough into that… Oops! Too late.

At least the rest of you women drivers will please try to ensure that the rear fog light on your vehicle is turned off. It’s on. The light on the dashboard says so.

Problem is that the dashboard has more lights than a Bon Jovi concert. It’s hard to know which light is which and what they all mean.

The Mail reports on a survey by the AA which found that 58 per cent of women did not know what the rear fog light symbol meant. That’s 14 per cent more than men.

And 33 per cent of womankind did not recognise the handbrake light. Thirty-nine percent of women could not identity the beam indicator, against 28 per cent of men.

Lloyd East, a general manger at the AA, is appalled. He says it’s “worrying” that so many female drivers don’t know what the symbols on the dashboard mean. “Ignoring an unfamiliar warning light – even if the car seems to be performing normally – could cost you thousands,” says he.

A spokesman for the Society of Motor Manufacturers and Traders says drivers “have a responsibility” to familiarise themselves with the dashboard.

And to the Mail’s mind it all “reinforces the controversial reputation as women as poor drivers”. Does it? Surely not. In not looking at all those lights and trying to absorb so much onboard information the female driver has her eyes fixed on something yet more vital – the road.

And for purposes of identification, that’s the hard black thing on the ground beneath the “wheels”.’

Posted: 3rd, March 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Caught Between A Rocker & A Hard Place

‘“THE only source of knowledge is experience.” Albert Einstein said that.

But experience is not a uniformly useful thing. Experience of watching films might well help you to become a successful movie critic, but experience of dying is no good to anyone.

Mindful of this, we read in the Star that shambling rocker Ozzy Osbourne wants to help Pete Doherty ditch drugs.

Osbourne, who has described himself as a “raging addict” and once said how “all the bad things that ever happened to me were directly attributed to drugs and alcohol”, wants to help the singer he has called “a little f***ing junkie”.

Says Ozzy: “I’ve been to the pits of hell with addiction and although it’s f***ing me off to see him f***ing up his life, I’d help him in a minute if he asked.”

As it is, Doherty has yet to ask Osbourne for drugs advice. Kate Moss’s ex is sticking with medical experts and is currently being treated as an outpatient in a London hospital.

But Ozzy is sure that he can provide the real help Doherty needs. “Why the f*** isn’t anyone helping the boy?” he asks. “It’s not entertaining to watch.”

And therein lies the rub. It might not be edifying, it might reflect badly on the audience, but Doherty’s antics have been entertaining.

Just as we stare at Ozzy as he vibrates and gibbers his way to the fridge, we gawp at Doherty. Well, who doesn’t rubberneck at a car crash?’

Posted: 3rd, March 2006 | In: Tabloids | 0 Comments

Sexy Football

‘THE question as to whether or not scoring a goal is better than sex is one many footballers have wrestled with.

For research purposes footballers have scored both on and off the pitch, engaging in ever more elaborate behaviour – note the back heel flick and the 30-yard screamer, and wonder at five times a night assignations with a Page 3 stunnas and spit-roasts.

For a goal to be better than sex, and vice versa, the answer seems to depend on what kind of goal and what kind of sex.

Is a romp with a bevy of supermodels more rewarding than striking a World Cup final winner? Is a fumble on the back seat of your Skoda better then a consolation strike in a 4-1 defeat to a pub team?

And where does a “gay orgy” feature in the league table of things?

Whoever you ask about that, don’t ask England footballer Ashley Cole. In the Sun’s front-page story (“Ashley’s fury over gay orgy claim”), the player is said to be suing two newspapers for their story about two footballers, a DJ and a mobile phone.

Cole – engaged to Girl’s Aloud pop tart Cheryl Tweedy – is angry that although he was not named directly in the article the jigsaw pieces were laid out in such way that the finger was pointed at him.

The result of the report was that he became wrongly linked to the alleged incident on internet sites and chatrooms.

So Cole is suing the News of the World, which broke the story about “how two bisexual Premiership stars made some very dirty phone calls — using a mobile phone as a sex toy”, and the Sun.

This promises to be an interesting case. And we are intrigued to see what occurs when Cole takes to the field of play and hears what the fans think of his stance.

For an idea of the kind of snide comments and innuendo he can expect to be on the sticky end of, the Star uses its front page to announce: “ASHLEY COLE: I’M NOT A REAR GUNNER.” (Cole’s Arsenal team are nicknamed The Gunners.)

Readers still sniggering into their hands at that can then turn the page and discover an unfortunate shot of Cole standing with his arms akimbo and with his shorts resting half way down his exposed backside.

It’s the “BOTTOM LINE” for “cheeky” Ashley says the Star’s caption. And it’s a very inviting target for fans of opposing teams, if not for their mobile phone…’

Posted: 3rd, March 2006 | In: Tabloids | 0 Comments

Peter Impefect

‘NOT too far back in the smoky mists of time, Peter Doherty and Kate Moss seemed to have it all. Then the cops came and seized some of it. The rest is so much painful history and rehab.

Now separated, the pair have lost in love but are keen to hang on to what it was that made them famous. So Kate is being photographed wearing clothes and Pete is being photographed by traffic cameras and the police.

Earlier this week, we read that Doherty had been arrested on suspicion of being in possession of Class A drugs and a stolen car.

Today, the Sun hears a source say that Doherty is being given counselling for manic depression. Any fans who want to check up on Doherty’s progress can catch his performances at Homerton Hospital, East London, where he is said to be making regular visits.

And while Doherty’s indoors talking about his condition, he’s not outdoors getting up to no good. It’s in keeping with the Sun’s “Get Pete off the Street” campaign, launched to get the singer locked up and helped.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of a national newspaper calling for a mentally disturbed 27-year-old to be incarcerated – a “pal” says Doherty’s problems are rooted in his relationship with his strict Army major father – the Sun should consider the fact that a jailed Doherty is a Doherty who can no longer populate their news pages.

The press need their celebrity fodder, especially when, as the Star reports, Kate Moss is off. The Star was at Heathrow Airport to hear the model tell reporters and snappers: “I will not be back.”

As Moss’s words punctured the air, the Star could hear the “sound of photographers weeping”. Their only hope is that Moss was joking.

As a source says: “Sure Kate’s got a wicked sense of humour but she’s thinking of moving to America permanently for a while.”

Ah, yes, the old permanently for a while move, eh. How long is that then? We are not sure. But reading between the lines and jumbling up the words a little, we consider it likely that Moss will be back – although she will not be back with Doherty…’

Posted: 2nd, March 2006 | In: Tabloids | 0 Comments

Sympathy For The Devil

‘WE don’t know if Mick Jagger inhaled the potent smoke wafting up from a Mexican fire. The Mail only tells us that the hit cost Mick a mere £1.

And it might prove to be a shrewd investment. As the Mail reports, Jagger has just had his soul cleansed by a Shaman.

A scene the Mail calls “bizarre” was enacted as Mick (sunglasses, cowboy hat, creased face) and his seven-year-old son Lucas (sunglasses, stress-free complexion, Mick’s seventh child by four different women) toured the ancient Mexican pyramids at Teotihuacan.

The shaman (bandana, lots of smoke), promised to purge the rocker’s soul of “bad energy”, using a powerful blend of branches, amulets and tobacco.

The Mail wonders how much smoke and trinkets it takes to cleanse the sprit of an old rocker like Mick. And while the rainforest burns, we note that the ceremony promises to bring love, work and good health.

Which, of course, can mean only one thing. Peel on the hipsters, plug in the band and order the Mars bars, the Rolling Stones are getting ready to tour again…’

Posted: 2nd, March 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Fur Queen & Country

‘THE camera does not lie. That really is Her Majesty the Queen kissing and allowing herself to be kissed by her daughter-in-law, Camilla.

Granted, this is no full on pash, it being one of those airy kisses enjoyed by people in society and heavy make-up. But there is physical contact, and, as the Mail is right to say, such an act signals a new warmth between the two women.

The Mail, which knows about such matters, says the pair have only ever been seen exchanging formal hellos. The Queen even chose not to embrace her son’s second wife, and former mistress, after Camilla’s civil wedding to Prince Charles.

This is a momentous moment in the lives of two people who were once, in the Express’s words, “implacable opponents engaged in a bitter behind-the-scenes war of words”.

Look on in wonder then as the Mail and Express each relive the kiss over two large pictures. See Her Majesty moving in for the kill. Gasp as the Queen makes her strike.

It is heartening stuff. But we can’t help but wonder what sparked this sudden defrosting of relations?

And, looking for clues, we arrive at the Sun. There’s the Queen. There’s the kiss. And there’s the news that for the occasion Liz wore a tangerine jacket with fur lapels.

Yes, fur, of the type worn by rabbits, and Camilla at a tree-planting ceremony in January. Could fur be the common bond that has united the duo?

If true, it is indeed tragic that so many animals needed to die for two women to kiss and make up. But we are sure the furry creatures would have gladly given up their lives for so noble a cause…’

Posted: 2nd, March 2006 | In: Tabloids | 0 Comments

Jagging It Up

‘HE might have the record sales, the gold discs and the stubble, but when it comes to drugs, George Michael is a mere Class C celebrity. If you want to check out a Class A act you must seek out Pete Doherty.

And, as it so happens, on the day the Mirror watches Michael emerge from his North London home and climb into the back seat of his chauffeur-driven car to make the short journey to the recording studio, Doherty is spotted out for a drive in Birmingham.

And he’s part of a convoy. The Mirror says that trailing the singer along the road last night were a motorway patrol car, two police motorcyclists and an unmarked vehicle.

Eyewitness Mike Kelly explains what he observed: “I saw a large blue three-litre Jaguar with personalised plates being chased at speed the wrong way up a one-way street.”

Kelly makes for a good witness, the kind of person Michael could use on his staff should cannabis affect his short-term memory and he experience more trouble identifying his car (see Anorak: I Knew You Were Waiting).

And this Kelly is thorough. He goes on to say how the car stopped and the two police motorbikes stopped either side. “Doherty got out without a struggle… He looked completely out of it, staring into space… He didn’t seem too steady on his feet and had to be guided to the back of the police Volvo.”

Doubtless Mr Kelly could provide us with details of the Volvo’s engine capacity and colour, but for now let’s busy ourselves dissecting the facts such as they are.

And in doing so we quickly realise that Doherty has learnt nothing from Michael’s recent experience. If you are stoned – Michael admits to being in possession of a Class C drug at the time of his arrest last Sunday; Doherty has now been arrested on suspicion of possessing Class A drugs – then sleep in the car.

And make sure it’s your own car, or you have permission from the owner. The Sun says that the Jaguar so expertly described by the aforesaid Kelly was stolen.

The paper says that police were already following Doherty when a camera took a picture of the Jaguar and it flashed up as stolen on the force’s database.

For his part, Doherty says he bought the care legitimately but the vendor is a man who “gets confused and forgets where he puts things”.

Which makes us wonder. Has George Michael ever owned a blue three-litre Jaguar? And we urge him to think very hard before answering…’

Posted: 1st, March 2006 | In: Tabloids | 0 Comments

Sleeping With The Enemy

‘IF there is one thing guaranteed to make Britain sit up and take the threat of bird flu seriously it is the news that the deadly virus has killed a domestic cat.

“BIRD FLU KILLS CAT,” says the Mirror in the deepest black ink, and we fear for our pets.

News is that a cat has been found dead on the German island of Ruegen, a place the Mail describes as “flu-ravaged”. The cat is believed to have eaten an infected bird.

Maria Cheng, of the World Health Organisation, confirms that this is the first time a mammal in Europe has died of bird flu. “We don’t now what this means for humans,” she says.

Only we in Britain do know. First, the tragic news means you should cancel that weekend break to Ruegen, the largest German island, a place of “shining white chalk cliffs, kilometres long fine sandy beaches, calm expanses of beech woods” (source: German National Tourist Office).

The second thing to do is panic. As the Sun says, the death of this one cat is “sparking panic that pets could spread the dreaded virus”.

The third thing to do is reassess the enemy. This is the war with the birds, and cats were to play a big part fighting on the human side.

The domestic feline is a happy breed that considers a dead bird to be something a gift. Cats would surely be invaluable allies in the struggle. But now the Mail says there is a “theoretical” risk cat owners could catch bird flu from the pets. Tiddles has defected to the other side.

But before you have your pet stuffed and mounted, the Mail hears from Michael Schmidt, a virologist at Berlin’s Free University. Says he: “It is very rare for an infected animal to infect humans…Nevertheless it’s best if cat owners avoid taking their cats into their beds.”

Indeed. And while we’re on this difficult topic, we advise owners to avoid taking anyone else’s cat to bed, too. Such behaviour can only lead to problems.’

Posted: 1st, March 2006 | In: Tabloids | 0 Comments

Going For A Thong

‘HAVING given full throat to such issues as bird flu, the war on terror and Chantelle’s hair, the Sun’s Page 3 babe is now busying herself with the burning question of the day: “Has the thong all gone Pete Tong?”

For those of you not versed in rhyming slang, Pete Tong means wrong, and the story is whether or not the bottom has fallen out of the market for cheese-wire knickers.

As the Express says over a double-page spread, illustrated by a shot of Penny Lancaster in a thong, sales of the so-called boy shorts have now overtaken those of the “notorious thong”.

So, is it time to follow the fashion trend and ditch that thong? “YES,” says the Express’s knicker expert Jennifer Selway. “Who wants to spend the day chafed by a nylon lanyard?” she asks, a question that invokes images of the writer being dragged backwards by an impromptu yank on her manmade love handles.

Selway’s argument is countered by Flic Everett. “NO,” says she. Thongs might look “tawdry and cheap”, but “is that such a terrible thing”?

“Show me a pair of giant cotton pants and I’ll show you a woman whose sex life is less stimulating than a lecture on quantum physics,” says Everett. She concludes: “Big knickers…are a sign of having given up.”

While Express readers wonder what comes first, the big knickers or the libido the size of an atom, the Sun throws Page 3 Nicola T into “THE GREAT UNDIES DEBATE”.

Dressed first in a thong then in a pair of boy shorts, Nicola researches the issue like a true professional. “Where pants are concerned, less is more,” says she.

Erica Davies, the Sun’s fashion editor, is unconvinced. “Personally,” says she, “I’m big on boy shorts.” And, perhaps, even big in them, too.

But with the debate being tugged this way and that, perhaps we should let a man have the last word.

“Boy shorts are the undies equivalent of wallpaper and paste,” says Derek Brown, the Sun’s deputy features editor, “good for covering up those lumpy surfaces and unsightly cracks.”

And not half bad at filling up newspapers…’

Posted: 1st, March 2006 | In: Tabloids | 0 Comments

I Knew You Were Waiting

‘THERE now follows a cautionary tale about the dangers of using cannabis. And to keep the yoof interested, it’s got a celebrity face.

The face belongs to George Michael, although it’s hard to make out behind that balaclava.

As the Star reports (“He trawled hotel in balaclava for sex”), the singer got into difficulties while on a night out in the Hilton London Metropole hotel.

A hotel source tells the paper how George was found wandering the corridors dressed in his hood looking for the room of a man he’d met in a bar and arranged to meet.

George could remember that his assignation was to take place on the fifth floor, but not which room. So he began knocking on a door. Only it wasn’t the right one and the resident, on seeing a man in a balaclava at his door, called security.

Not long after, Michael returned to the scene without his headgear and once more knocked on the same door. Again the resident called security. Guards arrived and apprehended Michael, who is reported to have offered the time honoured defence: “Is this the Hilton?”

The story goes that Michael was then escorted from the premises to his car. But where was it? “He couldn’t even remember where he parked his car,” says a guard.

For anyone interested in witnessing what might well be evidence of the effects of cannabis use on the short-memory, the source says that the entire conversation was caught on CCTV.

Indeed, Michael himself might care to obtain a copy of the exchange, if only to offer some explanation as to why he was slumped at the wheel of his motor the other day – might it be argued by his brief that having found his car, the last thing Michael wanted to do was to lose it again. Best stay put. Sleep in it if he must.

And Michael’s done it before. Over in the Sun, “scared fan” Natalie Griffith recalls the time four months ago when she found the signer slumped at the wheel of his car, a black Range Rover (you might like to make a note of that, George).

Apparently, the car was stopped in Primrose Hill, that enclave of celebrity shenanigans. Loud music was blasting from the car’s stereo. Understandably concerned, Natalie and her boyfriend opened the car door.

“I got a total shock when we saw it was George,” says Natalie. “He had an unlit roll-up in his mouth which looked like a spliff.” She goes on: “We turned the music off and took the key out, and my boyfriend took the roll-up out of his mouth.”

But still Michael would not wake up. So Natalie did the same as that passerby who saw George in a similar state in the early hours of last Sunday and called the police. The cops arrived. Michael woke up with “a lurch”. And that was it. Natalie and her boyfriend were moved on and never got to learn what happened next.

But we’re interested to find out. So perhaps George can tell us – if he can remember…’

Posted: 28th, February 2006 | In: Tabloids | 0 Comments

A Hip Hop & A Prayer

‘EAT yer heart out Cliff Richard. There’s a new star of religious pop on the scene. And he’s got something to say.

Take it away MC Hamza: “I was born to be a solider, Kalashnikov on my shoulder, Peace to Hamas and Hezbollah, That’s the way of the lord Allah.”

Great rhyming stuff. And it gets better when the Sun tells us that the rapper, whose stage name AL-ansary means lion, is Mohammed Kamel Mostafa, Abu Hamza’s oldest child.

Having launched all-boy band Lionz Of Da Dezert last year, Mostafa is following in the footsteps of Brian McFadden, Ronan Keating and many others and aiming for solo success.

“I think I can easily make more than a million,” says he. “A million is nothing.” Indeed, as he tells the paper it was not too long ago that he made £300 at a gig by flogging branded T-shirts and key rings.

While we can only imagine how many branded Kalashnikovs Mostafa could flog at one of his concerts, the singer says: “I guarantee you, my music will be popular all over the Middle East.”

Mostafa aims to be the voice of a region. His English might not be da best, but as he says: “I can sing in Asia – as well as in Turkish, Arabic and English.”

And when it comes to the videos, he has no worries there, either. “Helicopters, tanks, planes. I can fly and drive them.” And if you want pyrotechnics, Mostafa has it covered: “If I’m stuck in a place where I really want to escape I can make something up using sugar and stuff.”

And that’s not something Cliff Richard can say – let alone rap…’

Posted: 28th, February 2006 | In: Tabloids | 0 Comments

Live & Let Cry

‘DRUMMING up interest in the tired and trite James Bond franchise is no easy matter.

In an age of special effects and video games, when people can take pictures with their pocket phones and travel to chic Monte Carlo and the French Riviera on a day-glo orange easyCruise boat, Bond no longer represents the apogee of unattainable cool.

So what about trying new a tack? What about making Bond into a lovable loser? Rather than always looking great and winning, what if Bond has a craggy face and a skin condition?

What if Bond was Daniel Craig? He’s the new Bond and the Sun says he’s been hit by a bout of prickly heat. Before filming in the Bahamas, pale Craig thought it a good idea to top up his tan. Now he’s “James Burned” and the Sun says he can’t stop itching.

“He has been moaning to his assistants that he’s got prickly heat,” says a source. “He is extremely wary of being outside now.”

And there’s more. The paper says that two weeks ago, two of Craig’s teeth were knocked out during the filming of a fight scene in Prague.

What’s more, speedboats make him feel queasy. He doesn’t like guns. And he can’t drive the Aston Martin car he’s been given because he can only drive an automatic.

And then there are those Bond gadgets. The Star says then when it comes to Diva demands, Craig likes wet wipes, baby lotion and nail files.

It might not save the world – but it may yet save Bond…’

Posted: 28th, February 2006 | In: Tabloids | 0 Comments

Wham Rap

‘THE good news for George Michael is that a drugs scandal can give the old career an invigorating shot in the arm. And after a period of quiet – what the Mail terms his “reclusive lifestyle” – the singer is all over the papers.

“DOPE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO GO,” says the Star’s front page. “CARELESS SPLIFFER,” announce the Mirror and Sun in perfect harmony on their respective cover pages. “George Michael drug arrest,” says the Mail on its front, the paper correctly realising that when it comes to the lexicon of drugs its readers’ knowledge begins and ends with HRT.

The less good news for George is that he is no Kate Moss and is therefore unlikely to be on the verge of earning £10millon for modelling this and that barely six months after outraging the world. (The Stars says Moss’s career is soaring higher than Pete Doherty in a rocket ship.)

But before the verdict on George’s career can be delivered – and you the jury please note that the singer has form in the shape of a Los Angeles cop and an X-rated handshake – we should consider the evidence.

The Mail says that George’s trouble began when a passerby spotted the star slumped at the wheel of his car.

Worried that the driver was ill, this concerned citizen dialled 999. The Mirror says paramedics arrived. They looked at George. And they called the police.

Police came. And George was arrested on suspicion of being unfit to drive. As a cop tells the Mail: “He was taken to a police station and was searched. He was found to be in possession of a controlled substance, a Class C substance.”

This substance has been sent away for testing. And George has been bailed to return in March, when he may face a charge of possessing what is thought to be cannabis.

And there’s more. The Sun says police allegedly found not only cannabis on George, but also GBH, a drug the Sun knowingly refers to as “Liquid Ecstasy”. And then there are the masks and sex toys apparently found by police in the boot of George’s motor.

Things are looking a little grim for the singer. Although, to finish on a positive note, he may be too goofed to notice, let alone care…’

Posted: 27th, February 2006 | In: Tabloids | 0 Comments

Kat & The Cream

‘THERE was a time when the only thing brighter than Jessie Wallace’s future was her complexion. It was positively day-glo orange.

Now we see the tangerine-styled star in the Sun and read the news that the woman who in 2002 strutted off with the award for Sexiest Woman in Soap has been “’BETRAYED’ OVER SEX SECRETS”.

News is that it’s not only soap watchers and TV gawpers monged out on prescription medication who find the harridan of EastEnders irresistible, but her co-stars, too.

According to Bruce Ettridge, billed as one of Wallace’s “closest pals”, the actress slept with Perry Fenwick, who plays EastEnders’ loser-at-large Billy Mitchell.

Ettridge says Wallace told him: “The only time we did it was on the hall floor and that didn’t last long.”

And then there’s Joel Beckett, who plays the show’s Jake Moon. Of his performance, Wallace is alleged to have said: “He was a good f*** but not ugly enough for me. He was a w***er.”

And the story has left Wallace “devastated”. As a source close to the star tells the Sun: “She phoned the men affected to explain her side of the story. But they are all great mates of hers and they knew not to believe a word of it.”

Of course not. And, in any case, it won’t happen again – Wallace left the soap last Christmas. The men of Walford can relax and stand easy.’

Posted: 27th, February 2006 | In: Tabloids | 0 Comments

Walking The Carpet

‘GRANTED, not everyone can be a ravishing beauty and afford extensive surgery, but to call the Oscars a “dog show” is a bit, well, cruel.

But if that’s how Keira Knightly sees it then who are we to argue? The Oscar-nominated actress is as close to the red carpet as it gets and if she spots dogs then dogs there are.

And in her bitch about the event, Knightly places herself in the dog pound. Says Knightly in the Mail: “You kinda get trotted out as Britain’s prize poodle.” Surely she means bulldog, but, once again, we demure to Knightly’s more esoteric knowledge.

She goes on to say how “they” give you “marks out of ten for what you are wearing and what your jewels are like. It’s a bit scary.”

For sure it is. But Keira’s well trained and we are certain she will do us proud.

Look out for her agility, obedience and heelwork. And watch out for any little presents left on that famous carpet…’

Posted: 27th, February 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

To Big C Or Not To Big C

‘WARNING: READING THE DAILY MAIL MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO HEALTH.

A selection of things that will kill you and yours from this week’s paper of doom…

MONDAY

“DON’T PANIC – Bird flu at our door. Hotlines swamped. But minister says: We’re prepared. (Now isn’t that what they said about foot-and-mouth?”)

“’Real’ models make women feel bad about their bodies” – Journal of Consumer Research says looking at normal bodies is depressing

“THE MIDDLE –CLASS MONSTERS – Their foul-mouthed yobbery on Brat Camp makes disturbing TV. But as the 3,000 applicants to the programme reveal, these teens merely represent the top of a terrifying iceberg”

“Crisis in the garden as vanishing moths hit bird population” – Moths side with humans in the war with the birds

TUESDAY

“ONE IN TEN PATIENTS CATCHES AN INFECTION IN HOSPITAL” – So says a report from the British Medical Association

“Anne Diamond’s gastric band has inspired many other women to think it’s an easy solution to their weight problem. But as this special investigation reveals, such operations can come at a terrible price”

“My husband went into hospital for routine surgery. Days later he was dead from a superbug”

“Seven in ten crooks uses cannabis every day” – So says Youth Justice Board. Does smoking the Class C drug make you burgle houses?

WEDNESDAY

“THIS SEPTIC ISLE – Drowned in a cocktail of pesticides, the pursuit of limitless, cheap crops has turned our gloriously fertile farmland into a chemical wasteland”

“CAW BLIMEY! Legend has it that if they leave the Tower of London, Britain will fall. But this week, bird flu has finally seen the ravens – who even Hitler couldn’t knock off their perch – banished. So are well all doomed?”

THURSDAY

“53pc kept waiting too long for radiotherapy” – Survey by Royal College of Radiologists says over half of cancer patients wait over the four-week limit for treatment

“Was Shakespeare killed by cancer?” – Bard’s death mask show signs of a possible tumour

FRIDAY

“LET OLD FOLK DIE IN CARE” – Doctors from Cambridge and Nottingham Universities argue that elderly people who suffer cardiac arrest in rest homes should not automatically be resuscitated

“Superbug deaths soar 22pc despite hospitals ‘clean up’” – MRSA on the rise

“DUPED OUT OF MOTHERHOOD – In a heartbreakingly honest confession, an author describes her bitter realisation, at nearly 40, that she’ll never be a mother. And reveals her fury over succumbing to the modern mantra that a career and casual sex were her rights as a woman – and that children are for drudges” – Kate Mulvey gets things off her chest

“More women delay first baby until their 40s” – It might not be too late for Kate Mulvey after all!

“Drought Doomsday – Millions face water cuts as supplies hit crisis levels” – “Butterflies are put at risks by drought”’

Posted: 26th, February 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Treasure Chest

‘KEIRA Knightly sure does get around. She’s in all the papers, walking along a Caribbean beach with her new lover at her side.

“Pride and Passion,” says the Mail, introducing its Page 3 English rose of the day. The headline is a play on Knightly’s role in the film Pride and Prejudice, a part that has caused her to be nominated for an Oscar.

And the topless man by her side is her new boyfriend Rupert Friend, who stars in the film as the treacherous Mr Wickham.

The Mail can’t help but notice them kissing on the beach. And the Express (“So flighty Miss Knightly”) looks on as they kiss once more, this time in the blue sea.

The Sun is also touched by the sight of “KEIRA IN LOVE”, looking on as she and her “hunk” “frolic” in the surf. Says an onlooker: “Keira and Rupert looked very much in love.”

That they do. But the Star spots something else. Ever searching out the angle, hunting for the scoop, the paper surveys the scene with a critical eye. It stares. It might even leer.

And it brings the news that friends of the star are so tired of hearing Keira moaning about her lack of chest that they are buying her a boob job for her 21st birthday next month.

As the paper says, there could be a lot more for Rupert to get hold of “when the Pirates of the Caribbean beauty takes delivery of her new treasure chest”.

And the Star whips out its telescope…’

Posted: 24th, February 2006 | In: Tabloids | 0 Comments

Bad Bedfellows

‘IF Kevin Smith and Jose Ruiz had attended the police’s gun-handling master class at Cedar Mount School in Gorton, Manchester, earlier this week they’d know what a real gun looks like (see “An Explosive Situation”).

But they did not. So when hotelier Robert Bush picked up an item and shouted to the gay couple “I’m a bloody good shot!”, they panicked.

As Mr Ruiz says: “I was shocked, extremely frightened, stunned – because I thought Mr Bush was going to shoot us.”

Indeed, when police were called to the White Hart Hotel in the village of Overton, Hampshire, they found a shotgun and a rifle for which Mr Bush had licences. They also found an empty handgun box.

But it was all a misunderstanding. As Bush told a jury of his peers at Winchester Crown Court, what he held in his hand was no gun, but an unloaded beer tap. He was not threatening to put a slug in his gay guests, just bragging to them about his prowess in throwing beer taps.

Such behaviour may be what passes for entertainment in that part of Hampshire, as the jury cleared Bush of possessing an unlawful firearm with intent to cause fear of unlawful violence.

This in itself provides an invaluable insight into life in modern Britain, where beer taps and their throwing is nothing unusual.

But it is the build up to the row that concerns the Express. The story goes that Smith and Ruiz had booked a double room. Bush would have preferred them to have had a twin room, but they had all been taken.

The pair checked in. They then stepped out to attend a friend’s party. And when they retuned, they discovered that the doors to the hotel were locked. Mr Bush did not approve of their sleeping arrangements and had had barred entry.

The two guests were forced to retreat and spend the night elsewhere. The next morning they returned and were confronted by a smirking Bush and said beer tap.

It seems that having booked the couple in Bush had become worried that locals would “take the mickey” out of him for having gay men share a bed under his roof. Says he: “In a small village like Overton everyone watches everyone else all the time.”

Well, with beer taps flying about the place, you’ve got to keep your wits about you…’

Posted: 24th, February 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Honest John

‘“I KNOW WHO RAPED ULRIKA,” say the Star’s headline, and we are intrigued.

To recap: professional blonde Ulrika Jonsson, who before the arrival of Sven Goran Eriksson was the most famous Swede living in the UK, penned an autobiography in which she said a star had attacked her.

The world gasped. We waited to find who had dared lay unwelcome hands on former weather girl Ulrika’s occluded fronts. And then live on air Ulrika told us.

John Leslie’s career was in ruins. The former Blue Peter presenter was sacked from his job on ITV’s This Morning, a move that he now says made him look guilty.

And one thing he is not is guilty. Sure, after Ulrika’s outburst, the Star says 30 women came forward to make accusations against him, but he can explain. “I know this sounds pig-headed but I think the majority of the women who I had met who went to the papers were those I hadn’t called back and were pissed off.”

Before we can ask Leslie to name names, and enquire how many he thinks make up a majority, the Star hears him speak about that alleged assault on Ulrika.

Leslie says he did date Ulrika, going out with her for two or three months. The blonde was living in a hotel room in the Swiss Cottage area of London at the time.

Leslie recalls visiting her one afternoon. “I came up and bought flowers and then left, because she was ill and cancelled the date. But there was no sex.”

All this paints Leslie in a decent light. He visits his sick lover. He takes her flowers. He’s no longer the man pictured apparently snorting cocaine and starring in a hardcore home orgy with one Abi Titmuss (the former nurse is pictured in the Star “peeling off to a raunchy bikini for a cooling shower”).

It’s Leslie the gent. It’s Leslie the carer. What it is not is Leslie the rapist. But if it wasn’t Leslie who assaulted Ulrika, who was it?

“There was a number of people who it could have been. All the men who’d been to Swiss Cottage,” says Leslie.

Indeed, Leslie says the reason he and Ulrika split was because of another man. Leslie won’t tell us who this man is but does say that we would have heard of him.

This sounds like a challenge. We need to discover the identity of this new man. Perhaps we should just ask Ulrika? Or just patiently wait until she’s decides to plug the second part of her life’s story…’

Posted: 24th, February 2006 | In: Tabloids | 0 Comments

Triple Tops

‘BECKY, Stephanie and Tiffanie Carrazana are identical. And after Becky’s boob job, they are still identical.

The Star features the triplets who each spent £2,600 to have their 34A busts inflated.

Seen posing in identical yellow bikinis, the sisters from Miami, Florida, are just delighted with their universal new look.

But there was a time when they didn’t look like clones from Messers Nip ‘n’ Tuck’s clinic – Becky had to wait an extra four months for her surgery because she’d spent the cash on a car.

Says she: “I could see how good they looked and how they showed off my sister’s great figures. I couldn’t wait to get my operation done.”

Who needs drawings and virtual reality when you can see what you’ll look like post-surgery by checking out your siblings.

And then wonder why Becky is called Becky and not Beckie, in keeping with the family theme…’

Posted: 23rd, February 2006 | In: Tabloids | 0 Comments