Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Tunnel Of Hate
‘GIVEN what happened to her, the Mirrors question Are you brave enough to have the Diana flick? should not be answered lightly.
The risks and ramifications of adopting the flicked-back blonde bob and so being mistaken for Princess Diana are not to be dismissed lightly.
Paris Hilton has already Dianafied her hair, and we ask her to tread carefully, and drive even more so.
Do not fall into the trap of thinking Diana is dead. She lives not only on Harvey Nichols fabled sixth floor but on the Suns front page, too.
Fayed in new attack over Di, says the headline. In an interview in the United States, Egyptian-born shopkeeper and father of Dianas beau Dodi, Mohamed al-Fayed talks of murder.
Speaking in that idiosyncratic way of his, Fayed says of Prince Philip, he is the evil…he is a Nazi.
Fayed claims to have seen letters in which Philip says he will kill Diana. Fayed says the Queen is a nice woman. But: Its Philip who is behind everything, she has a gangster for a husband. As Fayed says: The person responsible for this crime is Prince Philip.
Fayed plans to take the Duke of Edinburgh to court over the matter. I am going to sue the son of a b****, he says.
But hold on a mo, Mo. The Express wants to get a word in. As its front page claims: We can reveal the truth after paparazzi photographers are found guilty in landmark case. As the papers front-paqe headline says: DIANA: HOW SPY STARTED CAR DEATH CHASE.
Before we go on, we quickly turn to the Star and hear that three photographers who followed Dianas car on the night she died have each been fined one euro.
In taking pictures of Diana before and after the crash, Jacques Langevin, Fabrice Chassery and Christian Martinez have been found guilty in a French court of invading Dis privacy.
Taking what the Express terms ghoulish pictures of Dianas injured body and then trying to flog the shots invites discussion.
But the Expresss claim that finding them guilty blows apart French claims that Dianas death was the result of a simple accident caused by her driver Henri Paul being high on drink and drugs is surely based more on hope than fact.
In what way does the trial of three snappers of questionable principals refute the French and exonerate the chauffeur?
Oh, and in case youre interested, the papers headline-making spy might not have been a spy.
Detectives investigating the death have traced everybody who was standing outside the Ritz Hotel in Paris on the night Diana died save one. And there are fears he was working for the British security services.
So much for the Expresss front-page claim of this being the truth. And so much for allowing Diana to rest in peace…’
Triple Tops
‘BECKY, Stephanie and Tiffanie Carrazana are identical. And after Beckys boob job, they are still identical.
The Star features the triplets who each spent £2,600 to have their 34A busts inflated.
Seen posing in identical yellow bikinis, the sisters from Miami, Florida, are just delighted with their universal new look.
But there was a time when they didnt look like clones from Messers Nip n Tucks clinic – Becky had to wait an extra four months for her surgery because shed spent the cash on a car.
Says she: I could see how good they looked and how they showed off my sisters great figures. I couldnt wait to get my operation done.
Who needs drawings and virtual reality when you can see what youll look like post-surgery by checking out your siblings.
And then wonder why Becky is called Becky and not Beckie, in keeping with the family theme…’
Splitting Up
‘AFTER the romantic wedding, the tales about their wonderful life and undying love, the split and the divorce, Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt finally got down to the serious business of money.
CALL IT THE SPLITS, says the Mirrors headline. And we learn the details of the latest showbiz divorce to hit Tinsel Town.
Jen (37, nice hair, good teeth, says OHMYGOD a lot) is to get the £16.6million Beverly Hills compact and bijou mansion she and Brad once lived so happily in.
The pad features eight bedrooms, six bathrooms, a swimming pool, spa and tennis courts (plural). It will also soon feature an actor – as the Mirror says, Jen is planning to install a Vince Vaughn.
Brad (42, nice hair, own teeth, pregnant girlfriend) will take control of the couples business, a film company called Plan B Productions. The company is said to be worth around £28million.
As yet, we do not know what will happen to the couples other assets properties in Malibu and New York, a £3million yacht and cars but when we know, you will know.
For now both parties are said to be happy. A joint statement reads: This decision is the result of much thoughtful consideration.
And has absolutely nothing to do with Angelina Jolie. Go it?’
An Explosive Situation
‘STUDY the scene. Take a look at the guns in the Suns SHOTGUN WEDDING.
See the armed police surround the ceremony, hide in bushes and, most chillingly of all, behind gravestones at Moordown Johns Church, Bournemouth, Dorset.
The armed police are on the look out for one Antonio Martino, father of bride Andre, 17, who is enjoying the happiest day of her life with 20-year-old groom Brian Elliott.
Antonio isnt happy. Hes threatened to shoot his daughter and blow-up the groom if the wedding goes ahead. So the police are manning the pews. And theyve got guns.
The wedding takes place without a hitch. And one hour later, Antonio is arrested at home on suspicion of making threats to kill.
Its a good story. But did you notice the guns? Take another look. Are they real? If you cant decide and its not easy to spot a real weapon from a fake pop along to Cedar Mount School in Gorton, Manchester, and ask some of the 13 and 14-year-olds what they think.
As the Star reports, they students have just been visited by the police as part of a campaign to cut down on gun crime organised by the Manchester Multi-Agency Gang Strategy (MMAGS).
And for the purposes of education, the cops took along some guns real ones. The police invited the pupils to handle the revolvers and rifles.
As Ralph Corrigan of MMAGS says: The idea was to show children how difficult it can be to tell replica firearms from real ones and I think the message was put across.
Indeed. And we urge the police to check their cache of weapons to see if any genuine rifles were swapped for replicas. Its hard to tell the difference.
We wouldnt want the police to turn up at, say, a wedding armed to the teeth with water pistols would we? That would be ridiculous…’
Birds Of Paradise
‘SO are we all doomed? asks the Mail. The paper that earlier in the week employed headline writer Lance-Corporal Jones, the hysteric from Dads Army, to scream DONT PANIC from its front page has called up Private Frazer to the front line.
Legend has it if they leave the Tower of London, Britain will fall, says Frazer, played by Robert Hardman. But this week, bird flu has finally seen the ravens who even Hitler couldnt knock off their perch banished. So are we all doomed?
Over an entire page, Hardman weighs up the evidence. And he concludes that the ravens and, therefore, the country are in safe hands.
How so? Havent the birds keen knocked from their perch by a goose-stepping virus with a smudge of a moustache? Well, yes and no. You see, the ravens havent left the Tower. Theyve just been taken indoors to some purpose-built deluxe cages in the Upper Brick Tower.
The birds are fine. The rest of us, sad to say, will just have to die horribly and like it. While ravens see out avian flu in the lap of luxury, Britons human contingent inhabits THIS SCEPTIC ISLE.
The Mail tells us just how terrible modern Britain is. Drowned in a cocktail of pesticides, the pursuit of limitless, cheap crops has turned our gloriously fertile farmlands into a chemical wasteland, it says.
Happily, there IS an answer. Its an ingenious process that involves get this not using chemicals on crops.
Of course, until we stop poisoning the land the British countryside will continue to be submerged beneath a toxic farmhouse-style broth.
Still, try not to worry. Dont panic. It could be worse. As the Mail also reports, you could live in France. According to a survey of almost 26,000 people in 35 countries, the French are the worlds rudest peoples.
Or you could live in America. The Anholt Brands Index says that Americans are the most ignorant.
We could go on, but to do so would unnecessarily delay the good news that, all things considered (poisoned farmland, bird flu, George Galloway etc.), Britain is the worlds favourite country.
Well, just look how we care for our ravens…’
Najaf Garden City
‘MKWEB are busy installing webcams all around the city to show what a great place Milton Keynes is to live and work. So says the official website for Milton Keynes, that city planned by committee in 1970.
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The hanging garden city of Baghdad |
Since then, the place has soared. As the website also notes, in 1974 the dial-a-bus was launched. In 1978, the BBC brought Its a knockout to the city. And in 1987, boxer Barry McGuigan moved to MK.
Given that, its little surprise to note that the world at large has sat up and taken note of the place. Milton Keynes is twinned with Bernkastel/Wittlich in Germany.
And, as the Mirror reports, it might well be the place on which the Iraq city of Najaf is modelled.
Llewellyn Davies Yeang, the company that gave Milton Keynes form and function, has been chosen to rebuild the holy city.
Building the new Milton Keynes..IN IRAQ, says the Mirrors headline. And we could not be happier.
What joy it must be for the 500,000 inhabitants of Najaf, or Najaf Garden City as some are already calling it, to know that a multiplex cinema, huge shopping mall and a third-rate football team are just three of the myriad delights they can look forward to.
Maybe Najaf will get its own concrete cows, of the type that put Milton Keynes on the map. And maybe just maybe – a visit from Barry McGuigan…’
Pains In The Neck
‘NO sign of Lesley Ash, the celebrity face of MRSA, in the Mails front-page story on how ONE IN TEN PATIENTS CATCHES AN INFECTION IN HOSPITAL.
The Mail says the chances of contracting a potentially fatal illness by checking into a British hospital are among the highest in the world. (No figures are provided to back this claim up, but as soon as we get the data from hospitals in sub-Saharan Africa, Latin America, the Indian sub-continent and elsewhere well let you know.)
The Mail has seen a report from the British Medical Association which says that MRSA and clostridium difficile (a cause of diarrhoea) play some part in the deaths of at least 5,000 patients a year.
In England alone, 300,000 patients a year pick up an infection during a hospital visit.
And the Mail thinks it knows why. Its all the Governments fault. It seems that the race to meet NHS targets has led to a higher turn around time on hospital beds. And this means nurses do not have adequate time to clean beds between patients.
And then there are the neckties. The Sun hears the BMA say that in tests doctors ties have been shown to be colonised by pathogens.
The BMA calls the ties functionless clothing. It goes on: Ties perform no beneficial function on patient care. It wants medics to stop wearing them.
And here we much strongly disagree. The tie is a sign that the doctor is to be trusted, and is deserving of our trust. The tie is a visual reminder of what school the doctor attended. A novelty tie can show off his golf handicap and that he is blessed with a keen sense of humour.
Indeed, we would prefer female doctors also to wear ties – ascot, cravat or bow, whichever they prefer.
The problem is not the tie. The problem is the lack of the tie pin – vital in keeping the tie reassuringly fastened to the medical professionals starched shirt.
Its all about standards. And with so many bugs on the rise, this is not the time to lower them…’
Talking Turkey
‘BIRD flu has lacked a celebrity face. MRSA has Lesley Ash. Breast cancer has Kylie Minogue. Even lowly acne has Cameron Diaz. We could go on. But at no point would we encounter the celebrity face of avian flu. Until now.
All hail Oprah Winfrey. Speaking in the National Enquirer, the maven of the talk shows has been telling her people Its going to happen. Bird flu will sweep across the US.
I feel hopeless, says Oprah. If that virus mutates into a contagious human flu, no one on the planet will be safe. Not Oprah. Not even Dr Phil.
Oprah calls for her Government to prepare for the worst. She says that when it come to being vaccinated against the disease Im getting mine now.
Which is some news – as the Mail says in its bird flu Q&A, no true human vaccine exists. Perhaps Oprah plans to inoculate herself with Nobilis, the only vaccine thats approved for use on poultry?
Whatever she plans, Oprah will have to bone up on avian flu if she is to become its celebrity spokesperson.
But whatever she does or does not do, Oprah is not going to have things all her own way. She will not become the face of bird flu without a challenge.
Step forward and mutter something derogatory about our V, Coronation Street character Jack Duckworth.
CORRIES JACKS BIRD FLU FLAP, says the Stars headline rhythmically. The man dubbed the birdman of Corrie has been told that he must keep his beloved racing pigeons under flock and key.
Jack will be on tenterhooks worrying about his beloved birds, says a source from the TV soap. Hed hate any harm to come to them and will be out of his mind in case they catch the flu.
Thats the human angle that Oprah lacks. Sure, she sees the bigger picture were all going to die but Jack Duckworth has distilled the problem into a manageable, pigeon-sized portion.
Of course, all is not lost for Oprah. If she can just get her hands on a pet turkey…’
Let Them Eat Cake
‘BEING a parent is all about making important life-affirming decisions.
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Makes you sick |
Do you go with the cowboy theme for Armanis birthday party (Brokeback Mountain private screening, pony rides, trip to Wyoming) or do you plump for the fairies (unicorns, enchanted forest, Royal Ballet)?
Whatever you decide, the little love is sure to eat too much sugar, run around like mad and cry before bedtime. But at least you will able to turn to those other competitive parents and say: It was better than your kids party.
And this competition to be the best is costing mum and dad an average of £200, as the Mail reports.
Parents in London spend the most on a childrens party, lashing out an average of £221. Those parents in Yorkshire pay the least, spending £154 on the do.
Thats a considerable sum of money, especially when you remember that this does not include little Armanis presents, her new dress and the years in therapy because Biancas fairy birthday cake had one more tier, five turrets and a life-size chocolate moat…’
Ruddy Cowboys
‘BRITISH film-makers are devastated, says the Sun, and we wonder why?
Is it because theyve realised that British films are a) mawkish provincial flicks sets in mawkish provincial towns; b) historically accurate flicks in a mawkish countryside setting; c) The funniest British film of the year; or d) Trainspotting.
Or is it because at last nights Bafta awards Hollywood won the lot?
British stars of The Constant Gardener, Raith Fiennes and Rachel Weisz, were ignored in the best actor and actress categories.
The best actress was deemed to be Reese Witherspoon (American) for her role in Walk The Line, a film about Johnny Cash (American). And the best actor prize went to Philip Seymour Hoffman (American) for his portrayal of Truman Capote (American).
Were heart broke, says the Suns headline, a pun on the film Brokeback Mountain (set somewhere in America) which won the best film prize and best actor prize for Jake Gyllenhaal (American).
And we are angry. This, as the Mail says, was the Not so British Film Awards. This was an American luvvy-in.
Clutching his award for best direction by a Briton for Pride and Prejudice (British film category b), Joe Wright (British) has a few words for the prize givers (British).
I think there is something wrong in the British psyche that we find it hard to support each other sometimes, says he. ‘I think as an industry in Britain we have to take care of each other a little bit more.
But before the group hug can begin, we read that the award for British Film of the Year was won by a British film. Well done Wallace and Gromit: Curse of the Ware-Rabbit the funniest British film since the last one, and the best actors this side of Sesame Street…’
A Pox On Chicken
‘WARNING: READING THE DAILY MAIL MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO HEALTH.
A selection of things that will kill you and yours from this weeks paper of doom…
MONDAY
Is this proof that cot death is caused by genetic defect? Scientists say babies with a brain abnormality may be less able to kick start their lungs when their breathing stops
Jabs overload fear after 18 children die Thats the number of babies and children to have died in the past four years after childhood vaccinations
Panic in Italy as bird flu strikes Five wild swans in Italy test positive for deadly virus
Nurseries damage children under three So says psychologist Steve Biddulph
TUESDAY
School bullies drove me to take an overdose Shona Hughes, 15, relives her ordeal
40pc leap in mental illness caused by cannabis So say Health Service figures
Did cyclist with an iPod not hear the lorry that killed her? Patricia McMillan may have not heard the lorry coming
CANCER CURES OR QUACKERY Posing as a cancer patient, our reporter sought help from five alternative therapists. The bizarre, dangerous and hugely expensive treatments he was offered make profoundly disturbing reading
I was a veggie until I was struck down by anaemia. There was only one solution a nice juicy steak So says pop star Carol Decker
WEDNESDAY
Bird flu just 600 miles from UK as it reaches Germany
Were more stressed than ever so says survey
THURSDAY
Yes, women really do have more headaches
Forest of confusing road signs can cause crashes warns RAC LOOK OUT!
The elderly really do die for love Researchers at Harvard Medical School say you can die of a broken heart
Convinced shes never find a man to father her own children and desperate for motherhood, Jill agreed to become a surrogate. Now, six babies and 14 years on, she realises too late the terrible price shes paid for being THE BABY MACHINE Rent-a-womb Jill Hawkins has clinical depression
FRIDAY
Malaria kills the girl who thought she was immune Matilda Cooper didnt take her anti-malaria drugs while on a trip to see her dad in Uganda
BIRD FLU: WILL ALL POULTRY GET JAB? What about the UKs 150million birds?’
Barmy Army
‘OLD sitcom writers never die, they just go and work at the Mail.
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It’s make yer mind up time |
Its hard not to smile as the Mail uses its front page to scream: DONT PANIC.
Indeed, it is dear old Lance-Corporal Jones, the hysteric from Dads Army. Jones knows that bird flu is on our doorstep, pecking at the silver lids on our British pintas. He is manically running about the place telling us to remain calm.
Problem is Were all doomed. Bird flu at our door, says the Mails Private Frazer. Hotlines swamped. But Minister says: Were prepared. (Now isnt that what they said about foot-and-mouth?)
The minister making the news is John Reid, the former health secretary, now defence secretary. Hes noted that two dead birds have been taken away for tests in northern France. And he realises that scientists are investigating the deaths of swans found in Suffolk, Hampshire, Yorkshire and Lancashire over the weekend. Fowl play has not been ruled out (the Mail, we should be working together, call me).
Reid is up to speed with developments. And he says: It hasnt arrived. Dont lets panic. Im sure the Government has all necessary measures there.
Phew! Thats put us at ease. But still the Mail asks: Bird flu could it be in UK already? The paper then invites commentator Geoffrey Lean to put on his tin hat and industrial wellies and wonder: Will this be another foot and mouth?
Since were all asking questions, the Mirror thinks the time is right to chip in with one of its own. IS BIRD FLU HERE? it asks.
Just like the Mail, the Mirror doesnt know the answers to its own questions. Nor does it bother to find out, preferring to tell its readers how infection may remain hidden for weeks after deadly virus arrives.
With so many questions and so little investigative reporting – little wonder the Suns front page says WERE IN A FLAP.
Not that the Sun is helping to calm things down, telling its readers that Britain is still ill-prepared for bird flu even though it is now on our doorstep.
Crikey! Things look grim. Perhaps it would be best just to leave. Permission to speak, sirs and madams. Would you mind if I was excused? Ive got to see a man about a birddog…’
Stuff The Chickens
‘BIRD FLU: WILL ALL POULTRY GET JAB? Its the Mails big front-page question. And there is no easy answer.
While we British, a nation of animal lovers, are sensitive to the need to keep our domestic flocks healthy, shouldnt we be worrying more about ourselves?
For weeks the Mail has been reporting on the Governments lack of readiness should the deadly H5N1 virus mutate and be passed from human to human. There arent enough vaccines for us all. What vaccines there are might not work. We are all going to die in some horrible game of chicken.
Now the paper is concerned not about humanity ostensibly, its readers but about the chickens. Good that chicken-kind has a champion. But, like any number of Mail readers, we must clack our marmalade-coated tongue and ask what chickens have ever done for us?
Where were chickens when the Nazis were knocking at our door? Did chickens bring home the Rugby World Cup? Has a chicken and think hard on this one ever won a Brit award?
The answer is a consistent and narrow No to all three posers. But still the Mail presses on. It says there are 150million edible birds alive in the UK. Experts (and who by now is not an authority on avian flu?) say that two cold snaps on the Continent will drive potentially-infected birds over to Blightys warmer climes.
To keep the domestic birds safe they must be protected, and that means vaccinating them. Which brings us back to the Mails opening line: will birds get the jab?
The paper hears the Department for Environment Food And Rural Affairs say that vaccinations are one option for controlling bird flu. It is part of our contingency planning but it would be dealt with on a case-by-case basis.
And with 150million birds to interview, examine and process this is no small matter.
So go tell the birds to form an orderly queue outside the vets. And dont get too close, and avoid osculation you wouldnt want to catch anything…’
Marital Aides
‘SO much for the rumours about Tom Cruises love life. No, not those rumours, the other rumours, the ones that claim Cruise and Katie Holmes are no longer in love.
The Mail has some heartening shots of Tom and Katie walking hand in hand. In another shot, theyre cuddling. And theres a touching picture of Katie draped round her mans shoulders.
As one eye-witness tells the paper: If their relationship is on the rocks, it certainly didnt show.
But as we leave the loved-up actors to beam at each other, and the cameras, we hear news that all might not be well with another celebrity couple. Madonna and Guy Richie are, apparently, no longer dressing from the same clothes box. Theirs is a marriage, as the story goes, at crisis point.
But there is hope. And it comes from those old hands at the marriage game – Elton John and David Furnish.
Says David of the Richies: They both need to concentrate on their careers if they want their relationship to work…But if they neglect that, their relationship will inevitably disintegrate.
If Madonna has any further questions such as how children fit into the picture – David says that he and Elton are there for her.
Only, they both might not be there at the same time what with the demands of their careers, and all…’
Princess Of Pop Tarts
‘THE blonde hair. The wayward husband. The weight issues. There is just no getting away from it Britney Spears and Princess Diana are hewn from the same mould.
And its something that not only we have noticed. As the Star reports, Britney has compared herself to the immortal Princess of Hearts.
Speaking of how she and son Preston are always trying to avoid unwelcome attention, Britney says: I dont really go out with him, and its kind of sad because I cant walk down the street with the stroller.
Indeed, Britney cant even sit the boy on her lap as she drives home without some child safety wonk questioning her mothering skills.
But we move on to the chase. And the line the runs: This is how Princess Diana got killed.
It is? Is Britney saying that had Di been out pushing Wills in a buggy around, say, the gilded halls of Londons Harvey Nichols department store, rather than taking a chauffeured car ride through Paris, she would be alive today?
Is Britney positing the view that unless she is left alone, she too might well perish in some hideous automobile accident?
Is Britney, metaphorically speaking, standing at the top of the stairs, eyeing the fast way down?
We hope not. And urge Britney to reconsider? And to install a lift…’
Bobbies On The Beep
‘WHAT do you call seven police officers manning a speed trap?
You dont call them anything, dummy. You drive past without a murmur. Dont breathe. Dont blink. And, above all, dont toot your horn at them.
Unfortunately, as the Sun reports, road worker Nick Lenthall was not up to speed with the rules and on passing the magnificent seven tooted his horn.
Says Nick: It was a very light-hearted thing. I was just having a laugh. And I wasnt speeding.
Hes not joking. Hooting a horn is no laughing matter. And the seven cops piled into their van and gave chase. They pulled Lenthall over.
He was guilty of unnecessary use of audible warning equipment. And he was handed a £30 fine.
Im a law-abiding, tax-paying person with no criminal history and now Im fined for tooting my horn, says Lenthall in the Star.
Albeit a horn that plays the opening bars of a Leo Sayer megamix…’
Buzz Off
‘DER-DER der-der, der-der, der-der… Whats that droning sound? Oasis on tour? Madonna moaning after her hernia operation (the Mail says the singer had an op after performing at the recent Grammy awards)?
No. And no. As the Mail says, the noise you can hear is the sound produced by the Mosquito.
Thats the name of a new machine designed to sound like a buzzing insect. Impressive? Very much so. But thats not all it does. The paper says that the black box emits a piercing, pulsing sound only audible, in 90 per cent of cases, to people aged 12 to 20.
(A scientist explains that its something to with the auditory canals of children being shaped differently to those in adults.)
And what it means is that the Mosquito is just perfect for dispersing gangs of yoofs from shopping centres. They cant stand it.
Turn on the box and sit back as Armani pulls her hoodie tight over her bleeding ears and runs from the precinct like a priapic shoplifter making off with a stolen copy of Razzle.’
Brits Of A Do
‘LAST night the British music industrys AGM was held at the cavernous Earls Court Arena in London.
Anyone who is anyone in the music business was there to see the stars vie for a Brits award and with it the chance to boost album sales in the bleak mid-winter.
The Mail lists all the winners on a scroll of honour. We note that James Blunt is the Best British Male Solo Artist; KT Tunstall is the Best Female Solo Artist; and the Kaiser Chiefs are The Best British Group.
You might be forgiven to thinking that thats the end of it. All bases have been covered male star, female star and band.
But this is modern music, with more species and sub-species than the Amazon River basin. Its positively specious.
So Jack Johnson wins a statuette for Best International Breakthrough Act. Lemar wins the Best Urban Act trophy. And Paul Weller is handed the music businesss equivalent of a gold carriage clock that is the award for Outstanding Contribution to Music.
Perhaps if Weller, the so-called Modfather of pop, dips into his complimentary goody bag and splashes on enough of the £550 pot of Estee Lauder Re-Nutrive Cream he will be up for next years Best Youth Act.
But before that, what we really want to know is what went on behind the scenes. As the Mirror says on its front page, its all about The glitz, the glam, the winners, the whiners.
The paper notes that Kanye West, the American rapper, won the battle of the entourages. He rocked up with a posse of 30 liggers/assistants/hangers-oners, seeing of a spirited challenge from Paris Hilton (12) and Madonna (4).
And, apart from the news that Kelly Osbourne had to have last-minute hair extensions woven onto her scalp because all her real hair fell out (a result of over-bleaching), thats it.
No cars driven into swimming pools. No dressing rooms full to bursting point with drugs, groupies and Blue Peter presenters. No fights. No medical emergencies. No smashed up TVs.
Of course, as the Star knows best, none of that really matters. The important thing is not who wins what and what occurs but what the girls are wearing.
Disappointingly, the paper carries no shots of wardrobe malfunctions. But with the Stars snappers using their flash guns power like portable X-ray machines, we do get to see the curvature of Kelly Clarksons backside.
And thats it. Of course, we shouldnt be too upset. Its all just a bit on fun. As James Blunt tells the paper: No musician should take awards seriously.
Indeed. The serious business is how much cash a gong can earn you…’
Hospital Job
‘NOT a day passes without Britney Spears being involved in some kind of drama.
Having survived spots, fame, more spots and husband Kevins wispy beard and vest, Spears has been hit by another awful ordeal.
As the Star reports (POOPS! HE DID IT AGAIN), Britney has had cause to rush her son, the affable Sean Preston, to the Malibu Urgent Care Centre, Los Angeles.
Whether Sean was sat on Britneys tight-and-not-in-the-least-bit-plump lap in the front seat of her SUV or secured in a child harness in the back is not reported. All we know is that when Sean went red in the face and would not stop crying, Britney reacted with frightening speed.
Having raced him to the clinic, Britney clutched her boy in her arms and sought out medical experts. Looking flustered and flushed she ran inside the emergency clinic.
What was wrong? What could it be? The Sun hears sources say that Sean might be ill. But the Star knows all. It hears a nurse explain: It seems he was just straining to fill his diaper. Sean was constipated.
Hard to believe, we know. But it is, apparently, true Sean still does his own poos.
However, what with this being Hollywood, we trust that in the fullness of time, staff can be found to perform this onerous task on his behalf…’
Painfully Yours
‘I LOVE PRESTON SO MUCH IT HURTS. Thats the headline on the cover of todays Star – words that are never far from the lips of anyone who has ever made a pilgrimage to Britains newest city.
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Into the ordinary |
However, on this occasion the message is from Chantelle Houghton, the Big Brother winner for whom Preston is a pop singer.
Seen dressed in a tiara and making ready to suck on a sauce-coated chip, Chantelle was ready to receive a Valentines Day card from her paramour.
One duly arrived. And the words are nothing if not beautiful: I love u because u r ordinary.
Of course, what with this being Valentines Day, the card was unsigned – although the Star sees the word ordinary as a clue (Preston is lead singer of the Madness tribute band Ordinary Boys).
We remain unconvinced. Any one of us could have sent Chantelle a card; just as anyone could have sent a message of love to George Galloway, Preston and Chantelles Big Brother agonist.
And, as the Suns front page says, one of us did. Above a picture of Galloways halo-haired head superimposed onto one half a red love heart, the front page reads: Roses are red/ Violets are blue/ I was Georges Valentine/ His chat-up was sickly goo.
The head on the hearts other section reveals the object of Georges affection. No, not Saddam Hussein. No, not George Galloway. This head belongs to Caroline Iggulden, the Suns undercover lover.
Having despatched a bouquet of flowers to the vain MP – bearing the message Dear George, Happy Valentines Day, Love from your secret admirer G and her phone number – Caroline sat back and waited.
And before 15 minutes had passed the phone rang. Having introduced himself, Galloway said it had been a barren year for him. Indeed, this had been his only Valentine.
Galloway then invited the girl on a date. Where to? Why, the Houses of Parliament, naturally. Sure he was busy, but never too busty to accommodate a pretty lady.
So off Caroline went. She met him. He offered her tea or coffee. Would she care for a donut? George was having an iced donut. You really must have some, he oozed, have a nibble.
Gamely, and in spite of what must have been a churning stomach, Caroline agreed. He manfully ripped the treat in two and gave her the lions share.
And then the coup de grace. The phone rings. Yes, I am here with her now, says Galloway. No, she is a very nice girl, not from The Sun. George turns to Caroline: They think this is a set up. But I assured them it was fine.
Galloway is nothing if not a good judge of character. Caroline is a nice girl. Well, she didnt gag when Galloway presented her with a teddy bear and a box of Victorian mints.
She never once shuddered when Galloway walked her to the terrace overlooking the Thames, pointed to a rainbow and observed: How lovely. And she didnt break out in a cold sweat when, on parting, Galloway threw his arms around her and kissed both cheeks.
Caroline is a nice girl. Although Chantelle is just that little bit nicer…’
Cupid’s Cups Of Love
‘EVER the romantic, youve thought long and hard about how youll show your love for that special someone.
Will you get them a huge teddy bear? What about a pair of nylon knickers wrapped around a single, odourless, freeze-dried rose? Or a balloon?
Or two balloons. Thats what the Sun says Alex Bailey has got his girlfriend, sexy Susie Cowan. As a sign of just how much he loves her, Alex has splashed out £3,000 on a set of falsies.
Hell feel the benefits of this present more than a diamond ring, says Susie (34A). Its something well both enjoy.
For sure. What could be more enjoyable that jetting off to snow-dappled Prague where Susie will be laid out on an operating room gurney, knocked out by powerful drugs, sliced open and have bags inserted into her chest cavity? Call us old fashioned fuddy-duddies but well take the ring, if its all the same.
Susie, though, is delighted with her gift, even if shell probably be too sore and loved-up to pay much attention to the Mirrors advice on how to Have your BEST SEX ever..tonight!
Tips include: Plan a hot date; put stress on hold; get the blood pumping; have a couple of dinks; try something different; and play a game.
Or put the Ludo away and stay in with the missus. Thats a joke. As her indoors knows, nothing makes a man appear more sexy to a women that a good gag.
What sexy Bernard Manning taught us, science now confirms. As the Express says, researchers in the United States have found that women prefer the funny man over the serious.
So, come on lads, get those novelty posing pouches on. You cant fail…’
Sick As A Parrot
‘CAN it be true? The Mirrors front page says that Big Ron Atkinson is staying at The Priory?
Its undeniable that Ron is a celebrity, and has every right to behave as one. But we would never have supposed that the man who gave the world Ronglish (his unique take on the national idiom) would go the way of so many Barrymores, Collymores and Katonas.
Atkinson is of the old school, the unreconstructed face and dragged-over hair of British manhood. Rons unafraid to call a spade a spade – and Marcel Desailly something that doesnt bear repeating.
But then we read on. Silly us. Big Rons not in Roehamptons THE Priory, that staging post for tired and emotional stars; hes in a Priory, the Priory Hospital in Edgbaston, Birmingham.
Relieved that we are to be spared salacious tales of wild nights of drug and alcohol abuse and mentally damaged with nightmarish visions of Ron partying hard into the early doors of a debauched weekend, we read on.
Inside the paper we learn that Ron is the victim of a rare blood infection that has caused his left leg to turn bright red and balloon.
ITS BUG RON, says the Sun, as it identifies a spider as the cause of Rons troubles. Apparently, the arachnid – possibly a lazy, thick black one – bit Ron as he topped up his perma-tan in the Caribbean.
With Ron not yet fully recovered, the Sun hears from Mrs Ron, Maggie. Hes been very ill, says she. It was a nasty situation at one stage and was vital he got attention as soon as possible.
And it was, apparently, thanks to Maggie that he did. Full marks to her. Ron must be over the moon…’
In The Line Of Duty
‘BROWNS CALL-UP FOR STATE SCHOOL CADETS, announces the Daily Mail, scarcely able to hide its excitement but just managing to, in the interests of helping its Tory friends.
Conservative defence spokesman Gerald Howarth tells the paper that his party supports the Chancellors plans to expand the Combined Cadet Force, and admits that he would have done the same. However, he also accuses Brown of cynically attempting to reinvent himself, and dismisses his plan as a transparent attempt to curry favour with Middle England.
But never mind the politics, what are Gordons chances of enticing British youth to don the uniform of Queen and country?
Todays papers helpfully provide two prominent stories that give an interesting picture of life in todays Army.
The Mail itself publishes pictures of the latest controversy involving troops in Iraq, where members of the 20th Armoured Brigade are accused of beating four Iraqi teenagers arrested during a riot. The papers editorial describes the pictures as
sickening.
Meanwhile, the Sun and Mirror lead on the antics of a famous young soldier named Wills, whose own brother, Harry, has a chequered past involving binge-drinking and drug abuse at the notorious Rattlebone Inn a well-known haunt of neer-do-wells and scoundrels of every stripe.
Since those days Harry has, to employ the modern parlance, turned his life around. He has given up his foolish youthful ways and dedicated himself to serving his country.
So it came as a bit of a shock to read in todays Sun that William spent his first weekend off since starting at Sandhurst by visiting a public house where Sun journalists were busy purchasing cocaine in the line of journalistic duty, we hasten to add.
I can get you anything you want, boasted a posh student, and the hacks duly put in their requests.
Yet rather than demanding the things their paper professes to want – a tolerant society in which all citizens show respect for one another and the law the reporters asked for cocaine instead. This arrived with the promptness for which British service industries are renowned, a very reasonable three hours later.
This allowed plenty of time for the reporters to talk to the regulars, who told them the pub was really wild, and that although Wills was OK, his brother Harry another youngster set on a career in the military – can be a real arrogant w*****.
Meanwhile, Harrys old pal Guy Pelly was caught smoking a spliff, thus putting Harry at risk of passive smoking of illegal drugs.
This is not the first time Master Pelly has embarrassed the royals. He infuriated Prince Charles by stripping to his aristocratic bollocks at a charity polo match, and he has been at the scene of most of the princes high jinks in recent years.
A Sandhurst source responded to the latest story by pointing out that drugs of any kind is [sic] a complete no-no in the Army.
But might todays publicity have a silver lining? Are todays tales of beatings and drug abuse not a fine example of the Army moving with the times?
In the old days it was enough to promise three square meals a day, and a piss-up and a punch-up at the weekend. Todays youth demand gang violence and hard drugs – and todays Army has shown itself willing and able to respond.
Like it or not, its the future, and we must move with the times.’
Changing Rooms
‘ANOTHER British institution is under threat, as the Ask Jeeves search engine is considering scrapping the all-knowing butler.
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Fancy an early bath? |
Perhaps his inscrutable manner is considered old-fashioned in an age in which discretion is no longer valued, and we are encouraged to let it all hang out at every opportunity.
Certainly there would be no point in asking Jeeves the identity of the two millionaire soccer stars who, according to the Sun, were at the centre of a gay riddle last night.
We at Anorak have never knowingly found ourselves at the centre of a gay riddle, but were pretty sure that if we did, we would keep it under our hat. And that seems to be the attitude of the millionaire soccer stars too.
Having had no joy asking Jeeves, or Google, or anybody else, the Sun has turned to a more orthodox source of comment an old retired footballer.
Peter Osgood (for it is he) has many a story of the high-life enjoyed by cosmopolitan footballers. As a member of the Chelsea set in the swinging sixties and seventies, hes seen it all.
Well, almost all. It turns out that his knowledge of things gay is about as foggy as that of Young Old Mr Anorak, who is ninety-seven and has never been kissed.
Ossie reckons that the two millionaire soccer players might suffer abuse from rival supporters were they to come out (for the benefit of Anorak readers who dont expect to read such things in a family website, this means openly declaring ones sexual orientation).
Obviously theres going to be gays in every walk of life, says Osgood, who is a man of the world, and knows about these things.
But hes not suggesting that there was any funny business in the dressing room at Stamford Bridge in his day. We never had any at our club, he insists. I dont think Id get in the communal bath with them anyway.
Of course not, Ossie. But what do you think of this gay business? Everyone to their own, he says. I think youve got to accept it.
One of the millionaire soccer gays is said to have put a vibrating mobile phone in his boxer shorts.
As a wise man once said, its a funny old game.’
Dead Set
‘WARNING: READING THE DAILY MAIL MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO HEALTH.
A selection of things that will kill you and yours from the paper that (s)cares…
MONDAY
How expanding waistlines are putting children at risk Children are fatter then ever
The cannabis savage. Heiress left for dead by friend crazed on soft drug Lisa Voice, 52, was beaten by a boy shed known for more than a year
Cordless phones could raise risk of brain tumours So say researchers in Sweden
Pesticides buffer zone for farms is abandoned Despite a Royal Commission concluding last year that spraying fields was a potential health risk and could be responsible for diseases including cancer, Parkinsons and ME, the five-yard buffer zones around farms are to be done away with
TUESDAY
DONLT CONDEMN ME TO DEATH – Says the Mails big front-page headline. Breast-cancer victim Marie Rogers pleaded with the High Court to let her continue taking wonder drug Herceptin
We STILL dont know if MMR is safe (And even one of our top vaccine experts admits it)
Half of hospitals fail to hit MRSA targets
A facial twitch was ruining my life. The only answer was to drill a hole in my head Simon Scott takes us through his hemifacial spasm operation
Make no mistake. The NHS can kill Forceps left in the patient. A transplant with the wrong set of lungs. As a new report catalogues hospital blunders
WEDNESDAY
The car home failures More than a million staff will need training for registration scheme as Government admits many are not up to the job
Baby who cried for 7 weeks (because doctors missed his dislocated shoulder)
THURSDAY
BABIES TO GET 25 VACCINES not in one go, but still the Mail says there are fears of immunisation overload
They told Lisa she was cured. Now she may die, poisoned by radiation Cancer patient Lisa Norris, 15, was given overdoses of radiation at each of her 17 radiotherapy sessions
The medical blunders that ruin dozens of lives Featuring the home circumcision carried out on the wrong child at the wrong address
FRIDAY
Why the women of Britain die before their time Women in the UK live to an average of 80.9 years; their European counterparts on average live to 81.1
Care home nightmare. Pensioner whose weight dropped to 6st because of neglect wins payout Lily Leatham can book that cruise’
