Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
One Love
‘ITS the kind of story that shines a painfully bright light on what life is like in modern Britain.
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The sudden arrival of his mum made Lee realise why it was called a laptop |
The Sun brings news that the NHS has opened up a website giving internet users advice on SOLO SEX.
Extolling the virtues of onanism on the World Wide Web is akin to preaching to the converted. The web, as the Press are wont to tell us, is a sink of depravity.
But there it is. And for the information of curious Sun readers, the site offers tips on how to exercise the pleasure muscles and what to do when you have some me time.
For men going solo is a great way to control orgasm while women who have difficulty reaching orgasm swear by it, says the NHS sagely.
But while the medical profession turns from Dr Kildare to Dr Ruth for love tips, the Mail tells us that flying solo may be the wisest thing to do.
Hold onto something sturdy kids and know that intimate kissing with multiple partners almost quadruples a teenagers risk of developing meningitis. Kissing can kill you.
Kissing with tongues enables the potentially deadly meningococcal bacteria to pass between partners. And, before you worry yourself sick, the Australian researchers who conducted this study define multiple partners as up to seven in a fortnight.
Is seven a lot? It sounds excessive, especially to youre an internet enthusiasts. Best stick to one…’
Skulls & Crossed Bones
‘JUST time to tell you that pop weirdo and reality TV celebrity Peter Burns is getting married.
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Love me, love my skull |
The Sun hears Burns say he that he intends to wed one Michael Simpson.
Speaking on Channel 4s Richard And Judy, Burns says he and his lover are to have skull engagement rings made by designer Vivienne Westwood.
Pointing to his interesting face, Burns explains: It symbolises that underneath this, theres soul.
And designer bones…’
Heroin & Villain
‘ITS hard to know what will happen when a double act splits up. Do both halves of the once perfect whole make a beeline for daytime TV, before gently sliding into obscurity and walk-on parts in The Bill?
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‘And now open your right hand, sir’ |
Or does one half shine, going onto ever brighter stardom, leaving the ex-partner on the fringes of showbiz, as directionless as the back of a pantomime horse?
Happily, we can say that Kate Moss and Peter Doherty are both doing fine. Though no longer an item, both the model and the singer are holding their own.
Moss, as weve already noted, has been jetting round the world, staying in swanky rehab resorts in the US, talking to interested police in London and laying low in chic France. She remains every inch the international star.
And Doherty has been doing what he arguably does best being what the Mirror calls a junkie rocker and getting nicked for possessing heroin, cocaine, crack and cannabis.
Thats quite some drugs haul. And although it keeps Doherty in the news, we worry that he may have peaked too soon. Better, perhaps, had he staggered the drugs over a few stories?
After so big a splash, and stash, we wonder where Doherty goes next? What can keep him high in the public eye? Are their any more drugs left to do?
Of course, theres always prison. A stint of bird is always good news fodder. But if Doherty is to become the latest celebrity lag, he needs to try harder.
As the Sun says (Potty Peter let off with smack on bottom), Doherty has just walked free from Ealing Magistrates Court in West London.
Up before the Beak on seven counts of possessing drugs, the Sun says Doherty was looking at a seven-year stretch. The paper notes how Doherty looked bleary-eyed and disorientated as he pleaded guilty to all charges against him.
The Beaks mulled things over and sentenced Doherty to a year of rehabilitation and ordered that he pay £129 costs.
Which means Doherty is at large. Hes free to feature in the Mail about an outcry over his release. And to appear in the Star, where hes pictured giving a big thumbs up to his fans.
Hes also free to appear on Radio 1 and explain all. As far as drugs are concerned its difficult, says Doherty, the man the Sun calls a heroin addict. But Id rather be outside with no smack than inside prison with no smack. I want to keep off crack and heroin.
We hope he manages to kick his habit. But, we fear, that without it, Doherty will lose his appeal. No Moss. No drugs. No more Pete Doherty…’
False Idols
‘IF you could steal anything, what would you take? Of course you are a law abiding cove. But stretch your mind, mentally pull a stocking over your head and think like a villain.
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It’s amazing what you can do with tofu |
And think big. As the Mirror reports on its front page, thieves are plotting to steal landmarks.
Yes, thats right, landmarks. And if you want to know how the crooks are going to do it, the Mirror illustrates how the capers may play out.
Readers are shown how villains could get away with a Trafalgar Square lion (strapped atop a getaway Mini), Liverpools Liver bird (tied to a thiefs back), the Angel of the North (airlifted by chopper) and get his Nelsons Column (pushed into the back of white van).
Fanciful as this is, it is a story based on apparent fact. The Mirror has had a word with Scotland Yards Arts and Antiques Squad. According to the police: Our Criminal Intelligence section has received information this gang has been eyeing up a number of famous monuments in London. Word is they believe they could get away with Eros because they think they have a buyer.
So security has been stepped up. Eros is under 24-hour electronic surveillance.
Of course, the statue may already have been taken. The pigeon-poo encrusted Eros that stands in Londons Piccadilly might be a fake made of paper or marzipan.
So, just in case, try not to lean to hard on Nelsons Column the huge toilet roll tower wasnt designed to take the strain…’
Pounding The Beat
‘LICENCE to shoplift, screams the Mail. Has red-tape Britain become so officious that even our villains are expected to obtain written permission from the local authority in order to carry out their chosen profession?
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Boscombe – the Hollywood of Dorset |
Reading on, we learn that this headline is rooted in a letter sent by PC Gordon Wallis, 49, of Dorset Police to shopkeepers in the Boscombe area of Bournemouth.
As the Mirror reports, PC Walliss missive reads: Shoplifting cases can use two or three officers for up to two or three hours. I would like to recommend that police are not called in the case of goods below a value of £75.
Better, perhaps, if shoplifting is decriminalised. (Property is theft and all that.) That should free the police up to chase those nefarious villains who park on yellow lines and drive quickly through puddles.
But not wishing to give PC Wallis any more bright ideas, we return to the Mail and hear from one local trader, Steve Kent, who runs the Dazzle clothes store. They are giving shoplifters a green light, says he. He goes on: Under the law, theft is theft, it doesnt matter if its £1 or £75.
Lyndsey Wildman, of Top Pets, says that if the police arent going to come we might as well just throw open the door and give everything away.
While not everyone would care to own a flea collar, even if it has been given away, we take Wildmans point. And that of her husband, Stuart, who tells the Mirrors readers that £75 is the equivalent of three-and-a-half rabbits or 11 hamsters.
Not being in the pet game, we cant debate the maths, but we can wonder who in their right mind sells half a live rabbit, who would buy one and what happened to the other half.
And while were pondering that, the Mail says that Boscombe is an area rife with drunks, drug addicts and prostitutes. And bisected rabbits.
And in an instant we touch upon the solution – make all goods cost a minimum of £75.
This will cause the police to attend every incidence of shoplifting. And the area will become so expensive and exclusive that the villains will be priced out.
And if they wont go, just show them what the locals do to rabbits…’
Off The Hooker
‘SO long as all Muslim extremists dress up as suicide bombers with hooks for hands and one wall-eye, the police should have little trouble spotting them.
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Hamza making an exhibit of himself |
And for those boys in blue who lack the imagination to conjure up such scary images, the Express publishes pictures of both Extremist Type A and Extremist Type B to aid identification.
First up is Omar Khayam. Hes the 22-year-old bespectacled Bedford local, a convicted drugs dealer who modelled his suicide bomber chic outside the Danish embassy in London.
If the papers two-dimensional image of Khayam is not enough, police can see Extremist Type A in the flesh because hes just been arrested for breeching the terms of his parole.
The Express say that Khayam will return to jail, and serve up to three-quarters of a six-year sentence for drug offences.
And so we move along the line to Extremist Type B. The Express calls this one Abu Hamza, and leads with the news that, like Khayam, he too has been jailed.
The Express was in the Old Bailey to see Hamza sent down for seven years, having been found guilty of six counts of soliciting murder.
And thats not all Hamzas been soliciting. Alongside a wonderfully evocative picture of Hamzas looming and shadowy face the eye seems to follow you round the room the Suns front page announces: HOOK AND A HOOKER.
The Sun reveals that Hamza cheated on his first wife, the fragrant Valerie, with a prostitute. And, apparently, it was the result of that fling that transformed Hamza from a lovable nightclub bouncer into a recruiting sergeant for terror.
HE HAD AN EYE FOR THE LADIES, says the Sun, which hears from poor Valerie. I can confirm that one of the reasons our marriage broke up was my husbands infidelity with a prostitute, says she.
What other reasons there could have been for leaving the man who, as the Mirror says, is suspected by the US of funding al-Qaeda training camps in Afghanistan are not revealed.
Nor, indeed, do we learn what this unidentified hooker did to Hamza that resulted in his radical change. What happened to make him utter such vitriol as: Every brothel is a target, everybody who endorses them is a target?
Perhaps the woman who went with Hamza can come forward to tell us what passed between them. That way we can ensure that no-one can ever repeats the same mistake…’
Road Rage
‘OUTRAGE, screams the Sun. And, as ever, the paper is in tune with the mood of its readers. They are the most shocking pictures Ive seen since MICHAEL JACKSON dangled his tot from a hotel balcony, says Sun showbiz writer Victoria Newton.
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‘Abu Hamza made me do it’ |
Thankfully, having already seen and survived looking at the papers front-page shot of Abu Hamza, and having seen many pictures of Jackson and lived, we are hardened to the task.
Indeed, we are ready to consider the Mirrors much larger front-page shot of this most shocking act. And here it is. BRITNEY STEERS, says the Mirror …with her baby in her lap.
The picture shows the pop tart driving her black SUV with four-month-old Sean Preston perched on her lap. As one horrified onlooker says: It was even more amazing because she looked so relaxed – as if it was the natural thing to do.
At the promise of MORE AMAZING PICTURES INSIDE, we move on, and are affronted by another picture of the incident.
The proof seems damning. But Britney can explain. The Mail hears Britney say that Sean (here aged five months) had been securely restrained in his car seat while she drove to pick up coffee.
While her minder went inside the store for the drinks, Britney placed Sean on her lap. It was then that she noticed the snappers. Britney says it was horrifying and frightful. She wanted to get away.
As soon as the minder was back it the motor, Britney put her foot on the gas and made off with Sean still on her lap.
I was terrified they would put us in danger, says Britney. I instinctively took measures to get my baby and me out of harms way.
Sounds plausible. But not to Newton of the Sun, who says she doesnt believe Britney. If she was that distressed then why was she happily posing on the red carpet at a glitzy bash in Hollywood? she asks.
We cant say. Perhaps she was in shock? Perhaps she was too traumatised to move? Perhaps she was just waiting for Sean to drive by and pick her up..?’
Tin Anniversary
‘THE crabsticks had gone the way of the celebration spam and tapioca wedding cake, but Les Lailey had kept the best til last.
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Les shows off Beryl’s new bling |
To commemorate the fiftieth anniversary of his wedding to the lovely Beryl, Les had laid on something special. He had waited. He had remained strong. He had not yielded to temptation. And finally the moment had arrived.
This was his golden anniversary. The occasion demanded something special. As the Sun reports, Beryl was treated to the sight of her husband tucking into a tin of meat theyd been given as a wedding present way back in 1956.
Romantic to the core of his being, Les had secreted his can of Buxted Whole Cooled Chicken in Jelly. And now, as the Mail reports, he prized it open and tucked in.
Served a la mode (unheated with some boiled veg), Les ate the lot. Beryl, doubtless choked by the gesture and sick with love, had lost her appetite. She was happy to see her husband risk food poisoning in the name of love.
I have not felt funny at all, says Les, speaking from his home in Denton, Greater Manchester, but Im more of a beef man than a chicken man. Now Im going to save the empty tin as a keepsake.
Or a timeless piece of jewellery, as Beryl knows it to be..’
Pitt Village
‘AN insight now into the Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie romance.
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Nowt as queer as folk |
The Sun says that Brandgelina are hooked on Emmerdale, tuning into the soap opera for research purposes, naturally.
According to the Sun, the couple have been studying the soap to prefect a northern accent for her new movie, Queen of Darkness.
As a friend of the couples explains: On their most recent trip to the UK and Europe, Brad and Ange used northern accents all the time and did impressions of Emmerdale characters.
What a blast those two must be. What could be more endearing than a pair of actors regaling all and sundry with the language of everyday farming folk, those tales of vexed cuckolds, radged lasses, flummoxed affairs and sprogs born out of wedlock?
Hell fire! Its like Hollywood – without the sheep…’
Round ‘Em Up
‘THE Sun says that Tony Blair has issued a go get em order to the police. Blair tells cops to round up riot louts, runs the papers headline.
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Day 2: Deep undercover, PC Smythe wonders what to do next |
But once the posse has been formed, and the Muslim fundamentalist varmint corralled into a prison (has George Bush turned us all into cowboys?), what will we do with them?
This is, of course, just Blair looking tough after the protestors have dispersed. Why would the police nick them now? And what would they nick them for?
There may well be, as the paper says, fury over the polices failure to arrest any of the hate mob at the scene, but might that be because the boys in blue were unsure what law the demonstrators were breaking?
If so, what has occurred between then and now to clarify the law? Throw the book at em, says Blair. But what book? The one that talks about freedom of speech? Or some other tome? And, dont throw the Koran that will only lead to more trouble.
Helpfully, Charles Clarke, the Home Secretary, is on hand to give direction.
If the police conclude there have been breeches of the law and decide to take any action, we would, of course, support them.
Which suggests that the decision to go get em rests not with gung-ho Blair, as the Sun says, but with the police. And they dont seem to know what to do…’
Opium Of The Masses
‘CAN you scream yourself into a state of ecstasy?
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The drugs aren’t working |
We only ask because its come to our attention that Omar Khayam, the 22year-old Bedford local who posed and paraded outside the Danish embassy in London dressed as a suicide bomber, is a convicted drugs dealer.
We want to know if extreme Islam gives you a similar high to illegal narcotics. Is the E to the rave what militant Islam is to raving madness?
Sure, wed have to try it to really know. But before the experiment can begin – and before Pete Doherty and others can put on a turban we read the Mirrors front-page news that the young man in the suicide bomber chic was jailed for six years in 2002 for possessing crack cocaine with intent to supply.
Inside the paper, we learn that Khayams street name is Skinner. And inside, a lag who knows Khayam from his time in Springhill Prison, Bucks, tells the paper that his neighbour was a quiet man who never had bad word to say about anyone.
Or not. Says Khayams former jail mate: It was well known that Omar made a lot of money from drugs. He was part of a large crew in Bedford.
Theres an even larger crew around Khayam now – this ones made up of journalists keen to hear his statement to the masses.
I do not support terrorism or extremism, says Khayam, and would like to apologise unreservedly and wholeheartedly to the families of the victims. I understand it was wrong, unjustified and insensitive of me to protest in this way.
SORRY? says the Stars headline. YOU BLOODY WELL SHOULD BE.
Indeed, however contrite he is, sorry might not be enough. In the Suns front page SUN INVESTIGATION – in which the paper gets the same scoop as every other paper (MUSLIM BOMB NUT IS CRACK DEALER) – readers are told that Khayam might now face jail, or worse.
The Sun says that Khayams crack-dealing past makes his claim to be defending Islam a SHAM. The paper quotes the Koran as saying selling drugs is the work of Satan.
Thats bad news for Khayam. And, as the Sun says, selling drugs carries the death penalty in some Muslim countries.
No death penalty here. But the Sun does say that having been released from prison on licence just a few months ago, Khayam could be jailed for breaching this parole.
For now, as the Mail says, its unclear whether Bedfordshire Police are going to take any action.
Or if militant Islam is going to be reclassified as a Class A drug…’
Political Suicide
‘WITH Kate Moss been and gone, the Sun spots a new Enemy No. 1. NICK HIM, orders the papers front-page headline.
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PC Smythe goes deep undercover |
Dressed in what passes for militant Islam chic, the youth is seen posing outside the Danish embassy in London.
Upset at those now infamous cartoons of the prophet Muhammed, the youth dressed up as a suicide bomber and joined a mob of rabid right wing, hate-filled extremists who massed to give full throat to their anger.
Inside the paper, theres another shot of the man who got the outfit, but not the ambition.
Who is he? And while youre trying to put a name to the face uncharacteristically unmasked the Sun wants you to identify some other protestors?
NAME THEM, says the Sun. Who is the man in the beard holding aloft a banner proclaiming EUROPE YOULL COME CRASHING WHEN THE MUJAHIDEEN COME ROARING? (Surely BASHING.) What about the man who orders BEHEAD THOSE WHO INSULT ISLAM? BUTCHER THOSE WHO MOCK ISLAM, says a third. MOCK TODAY DIE 2MORO DENMARK, says another, a woman believed to be a keen text messager.
Our search is not aided by the polices decision not to arrest a single protestor despite apparent evidence of incitement to violence, let alone the Expresss greater charge of incitement to murder.
This apparent police apathy causes the Sun to produce a cartoon of its own. Readers see a cop turning his back on a bunch of armed Muslim extremists championing DEATH while he books an elderly woman driver for straying into the bus lane.
Its clear that if the man in the fancy dress is to be identified, it will require a covert operation of the deepest intricacies. Who is up to the job? MI5? MI6? No. And No. Its the Star.
UNMASKED, says the Stars headline. Suicide bomber is a Brit, 22, from Bedford.
Hes called Omar Khayam. And speaking in quatrains, the bespectacled protestor tells the Star that he dressed as he did to make a point, to highlight double standards.
I cant make any apologies for it, says he. I didnt go there to cause anyone any harm.
Indeed. The jacket is, to the best of our knowledge, the extent of Khayams career as a suicide bomber.
And he has more to say. While the Mail asks its readers, Do you know the man dressed as a suicide bomber?, and publishes the number of a telephone hotline to call if you do, Khayam tells the Express: Islam is a religion of peace and it has been hijacked.
Indeed. Hijacked by extremists, narcissists and suicide bombers…’
In Your Box
‘WARNING: READING THE DAILY MAIL MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO HEALTH.
A selection of things that will kill you and yours from this weeks paper…
MONDAY
TICK HERE TO END YOUR LIFE No, not a subscription to the Mail, but news how we will all be offered the right to die by ticking a box on a Government form
EU ON ALERT AS BIRD FLU HITS CYPRUS Poultry in northern Cyprus have been found in possession of the H5N1 virus
TUESDAY
Maternity unit where three women died in four months Life and death at the Royal Bolton Hospital
CAN YOU CATCH CANCER? Yes? No? Dunno. Just get a load of the Mails headline of the year
HEALTHY? NO WAY! Dried fruit with added fat. Seed mix with as much sugar as a Mars bar. And salad with more salt that McDonalds chops. The disturbing truth about those healthy foods
WEDNESDAY
KILLED BY ONE SWEET Girl, 12, with nut allergy picked a brazil by mistake
Genetic screening could harm health for designer babies Human Genetic Commission is worried that testing embryos created through IVF for genetic defects might harm baby
STARVE TO DEATH In this shocking dispatch, a Mail writer who spent a month undercover as a care worker in a outwardly comfortable old folks homes reveals how residents are literally being starved to death. Her words MUST be read by anyone thinking of placing a relative in care
Teenagers made more aggressive by cannabis So says study by Dr Karin Monshouwer of the Netherlands Institute of Mental Health and Addiction
THURSDAY
Drugs tested on babies tested only on adults
The health supplements that arent what they seem Governments food watchdog says half of all food supplements contain irradiated ingredients
My cancer nightmare Mixed-up X-rays left father of two in fear for his life Trevor Thomas was told that he might well have cancer, later to find out he had been wrongly diagnosed
FRIDAY
1,000 heart patients hit by blunder A technician misread results at Fairfield General Hospital, Bury’
Choc-ed Arteries
‘THOSE Muslim fundamentalists passing the time by burning the Danish flag should know the full extent of Western decadence.
(Since every story has a Muslim angle, why not this one?)
The Express publishes a shot of celebrity chef Antony Worrall Thompson to illustrate his recipe for Snickers pie.
Containing puff pastry, mascarpone, soft cheese, caster sugar, eggs and five Snickers bars, the pie (not Wozza) serves four. Each serving contains the equivalent of 22 teaspoons of fat and 11 teaspoons of sugar (were still talking about the pie).
This pie is surely a corrupting influence that perhaps only Irans nuclear programme can stop. Until then, the Independent Food Commission (IFC) has some words of warning.
In Food magazine, an organ published by the IFC, the dessert is called one of the most unhealthy recipes ever.
And this has angered Thompson. He speaks of the food police. He says that the pie is not to be eaten at the end of every meal. We are not encouraging people to do this all the time, says he.
Nor that they use Danish ingredients…’
Bun & Flames
‘CONGRATULATIONS to the Sun for winning the Presss weekly contest to see which publication can be first to utter the phrase political correctness gone mad.
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Death to the bun! Kill the rock cakes!! |
The phrase is used in the context of the papers story on hot cross buns.
Head teacher Tina Jackson, of The Oaks primary school in Ipswich, has asked caterers who supply her school with hot cross buns to remove the crosses.
Jackson is worried that icing the religious symbol atop a mere bun will offend some of her pupils.
Says she: For our students who are Jehovahs Witnesses, hot cross buns are not part of their beliefs. We decided to have the cross removed in respect to their beliefs.
Jackson fails to say what will happen to the removed crosses – perhaps theyll be airdropped into Iraq or what will happen should the face of Jesus appear in the butter or jam on one of these secular buns.
We await future developments with a rare appetite…’
The Stud
‘WE have looked. We have looked again. And we can say that the Star contains no pictures not one of the Muslim prophet Muhammad.
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To chav and to hold |
Of course, only Danish cartoonist Kurt Westergaard knows what the messenger of Islam looks like. And since not one of todays papers publishes his pictures, we can only imagine that the figure Muslims believe to be Gods final prophet has not got bobbed blonde hair and generous hips.
Add a lollypop, a pair of Comfi-Slax jeans and a kid called Sean Preston, and the image in the Star seems to be that of Britney Spears (may her name be praised).
To the best of our knowledge, Britney is not a Muslim, nor, indeed, is she a fundamentalist Mormon, making it less likely that she will look kindly on husband Kevin telling her: I want to see other women.
The Star says Britney is heartbroken. And the Sun says Britney cant believe what shes earring.
The story goes that ferret-faced Kevin also wants to turn his son, the aforesaid Sean Preston, into a smaller version of himself. The ratty beard will have to wait, but surely young Sean Preston can do the revolting white vest, soppy hat and earring.
So, as the paper says, while out near their home in Malibu, the man they call K-Fed began walking four-month-old Sean Preston towards a piercing shop.
Britney was unimpressed. A row ensued. Kevin kept walking. So Britney despatched a bodyguard to chase after them.
An eyewitness tells all. Britney was out of control. She was screaming at Kevin in the street that she didnt want her son to look like trailer trash. (Newsflash, Britney: genes will out.)
But rather than give nature a helping hand, the minder managed to chase Kevin off, and so prevent Sean Preston reaching premature chavhood or, for all we know, looking like a certain Muslim prophet…’
Phone Bank
‘ONE mans pornography is another mans advert for feminine hair removal.
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Sex with cashback |
But we all of us understand the limits. And we are appalled and saddened to read in the Sun of the woman who managed to buy a hardcore PORN film from Woolworths.
The DVD title said My Little Pony, but when mum Fatima Laaroussi took it home and played it, she was horrified to see that Rainbow Swirl pony has mutated into a naked women surrounded by a bevy of naked donkeys.
While Woolworths investigate that and pornography enthusiasts wonder where they can get such a DVD for a mere £1.99 the Sun brings more stories of how porn has become mainstream.
Pretty much the last place youd think of discovering pornography other than in the pix n mix section at Woolworths is the bank.
But when Royal Bank of Scotlands customers read the companys leaflet and duly rang their bank about the new chip and pin cards, they were greeted by an unexpected kind of recorded message.
A womans voice was heard inviting customers to get down and dirty with the best phone *** ever.
No mention of withdrawals, deposits and other vital banking information, just the promise that, If you want to talk to the dirtiest girls one to one, charged directly to your credit card, press 1. Otherwise, do nothing and I will put you through to our other hardcore services.
Customers were understandable horrified. How dare this bank, no less than a Royal institution, induce its customers to use their credit cards in such a manner without telling them of the APR and the handling fee on balance transfers!
Rightly, the bank is sorry. We apologise for any embarrassment this has caused, says a spokesman for the bank, who then went on to talk about a need to be punished for being so very, very naughty…’
The Price Is Right
‘PSST! Wanna buy a Jordan. What about two of them? A pair of Jordans? They could be yours for the right price.
The Sun says that Katie Andre plans to flog off her gargantuan Jordans in an internet auction.
Katie says that giving birth to sons Harvey and Junior has sent her best pals the way of her singing career – down. She now wants to have an operation to make them more pert.
Speaking to DJ Chris Moyles on Radio 1, Katie outlines her vision for the future. Im having them reduced because I want them a bit more pert. Ive had them eight years now. So its time for a new pair and Ill sell this lot on eBay.
Thats terrific news for Katies fans although perhaps not so marvellous for the mo-dels pint-sized husband Peter, who may by forced by his health insurers to wear eye protectors when in close proximately to his uplifted wife.
And so to the auction, in which the bidding war is sure to be keen and desperate – who would not want a pair of Jordans of their very own?
And whoever is lucky enough to own the Jordans will find them extremely useful. Indeed, their new owner will wonder how they ever managed to get through life without a pair of his n hers bouncy castles…’
Face Ache
‘SAY what you like about Coronation Streets Sally Lindsay… Go on, say what you like. No, not you, Her Poshness, Victoria Beckham.
The Sun says that Lindsay has launched an astonishing assault on multi-talented Vicky.
In an interview with gay magazine Attitude, the woman who plays cuddly unlucky-in-love barmaid Shelley Unwin, gnaws on Poshs bones.
Posh is a funny old bird, says Sally. I saw her live and she looks like a fly on hind legs. I do feel a bit sorry for her but why does she have the pull that awful face all the time.
We could jump in at this juncture to say that that IS Poshs face and to tell you that Sally claims Im not a fan but both points are too obvious to mention, so we allow Sally to go on with the tirade.
She looks like shes had a stroke, says Sally. I always thought it was nice to smile in a photo.
Cue a shot of generous-figured Sally smiling her best teeth-and-talents grin for the camera. As the Sun says, judging from that picture, Sallys leaving herself open to a savage comeback.
And boy does the Sun ever want one. And come on, Posh, it goads, its your turn to have a go.
Sally can take it even if she is a very soft target…’
Youth Hostelries
‘GIVEN that the pubs chilled cabinet is stocked with sickly day-glo drinks designed to be drunk ice cold straight from the bottle, the Mails news that under-18s can buy alcohol in a third of pubs is less than sensational.
The story would be more salacious were it stood on its head and readers were invited to wonder what the other two thirds of pubs were doing with those lurid blue, sweet, fizzy alcopops if not flogging them to the nippers? Using them for emergency lighting?
This apparent fact about under-age drinking is rooted in a study commissioned by Culture Secretary Tessa Jowell and Home Secretary Charles Clarke. The study also found that 20 per cent of corner shops and 17 per cent of supermarkets sell hooch to under-18s.
This all sounds just too awful. But surely this story does not go far enough. We are amazed that the Mail has not chosen to illustrate this snapshot of binging Britain in its usual fashion by publishing pictures of scantily clad teenage girls out on the razzle.
How much more poignant would the following line read were it supported by a picture of a gang of drunken lads wearing traffic cones as hats and picking fights with shops: Critics say 24-hour licensing has simply increased the availability of alcohol to youngsters, causing more misery for communities.
Interesting, then, that towards the end of the piece, we learn that a similar study conducted last year – before the changes in the licensing laws corrupted the yoof and coated the precinct in a film of vomit found that 50 per cent of pubs were serving drink to under-18s.
Might it be that the situation has improved, and is improving? Mark Hastings, a spokesman for the British Beer & Pub Association, says that the industry has got better at checking the age of its punters.
Now all that remains is for the Government, and the Mail, to treat the rest of us like adults…’
Moss Rolls In
‘STAY indoors. Draw the curtains. Lock the doors and bar the windows. If you must venture out, only make journeys if they are absolutely necessary. Kate Moss is back!
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‘Am I bovvered?’ |
The Suns front page warns that cocaine Kate has returned to Blighty.
For fashion watchers, Kate is dressed in dark glasses, back headband, pale yellow coat, black top and matching trousers (all believed to be models own). Shes spotted making her way to meet the police (dark blue tunic, dome-shaped blue hat with hard insert and flashing light, black boots, black truncheon).
Once in the company of the cops, Moss spent 80-minutes being grilled on her involvement with cocaine allegations that she has used the drug began when the Mirror published pictures of Moss apparently taking cocaine in a London recording studio back on September 15 2005.
Over in the Mirror, the paper that scooped its rivals with the news story Model takes cocaine a story that rivalled Humpty Dumpty Falls From Wall and Katie Price My Jordans Are False for raw shock value theres news of what occurred in the police interview room.
Says the Mirror: In a 90-minute interview yesterday she refused to comment on a video apparently showing her taking the drug. She was not arrested. Said police: This probe is not over.
But the Sun thinks it is over. It says Moss has enacted THE GREAT ESCAPE and hears one cop admit that the case against Moss is a dead duck.
But the Star is less certain. It says that police are to prepare a report for the Crown Prosecution Service. The CPS will study the case against Moss and decide what to do next.
And the judiciary must tread carefully. The Star says that we should nor get starstruck. This is a really important investigation into serious claims of cocaine dealing.
Just as the Stars more prominent story on how chav-tastic Coleen McLoughlins new pet Maltese terrier wears a pink hoodie is a comment on corruption in British football…’
Norway Out
‘BARELY a year goes past without someone from Oslo writing in and asking, Why-oh-why dont you feature more stories on Norway?
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‘I went to London and all I got was a plastic policeman’s helmet’ |
Well, today is that day when Oslo hits the headlines, albeit one smallish headline buried towards the middle of the Mail.
And the news is that Oslo is the worlds most expensive city. According to a survey conducted by something called the Economist Intelligence Unit, you guys are No. 1.
Not since Nocturne famously romped to victory in the 1995 Eurovision Song Contest have the people of Norway had so much cause for celebration.
But before the dancing and elk playing can begin, the Mail wants everyone to listen to what Oslos tourist board spokesman Henna Puolanaen has to say. Says she: You get what you pay for. Oslo might be the most expensive city centre but it is also one of the best cities to live in.
Where else boasts ski resorts half-an-hour away, skating in the city centre and nature reserves very close, too?
Good question. And by way of an answer we offer up Sheffield – with its Ski Village, iced-over puddles and Peak District National Park.
But lets not steal the limelight from Oslo. As Nocturne so succinctly put it all those moons ago: La dagen få, Sin hvile nå, Og natten vil våke for den Nocturn.
Rejoice!’
Hitler & Miss
‘WITH just a few months to go before the World Cup kicks off in Germany, the papers are limbering up.
For you, little Englander, ze phoney var ist only just beginning. And the first volley is being fired by the Star.
SVEN WE NEED A GHOULKEEPER, says the headline over a story that the England squads five-star hotels in Germanys Black Forest is haunted by the spirit of… Well, can you guess?
Is the England teams hotel haunted by the ghost of: A) Ludwig van Beethoven; B) Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche; or C) Adolf Hitler?
Now, take your time. Think about it… OK, times up. Achtung! Achtung! as the papers are wont to say in matters German and sporting. Whats your answer? Tell us, or it will be all the worse for you.
Thats right. Well done everybody. The correct answer is C the 95-room Schlosshotel Bühlerhöhe close to Baden-Baden is home to chamber maids, chefs, gardeners and the ghost of Hitler. This is Nazi-tendentiousness in action.
The Star hears locals say that guests have woken in the night to see Hitlers screaming ghost in a ball of flames.
One local says that the ghost is sure to destroy the England teams peace of mind. And if they actually see the ghost they will be trembling so much they will struggle to even get out on the pitch.
Nonsense! Our valiant boys will simply invoke the spirit of Churchill and march into battle with heads held high, upper lips set firm and a song in their hearts.
All together: Hitler has only got one ball, the German cant get a touch at all, Beckham has just scored a goal*, Jawohl! Jawohl! Ja-a-a-a-vohl!!
* Refer to the Michael Howard-style pronunciation ghoul.’
Fur Tree
‘I WAS terrified of him at first. He was this huge camp queen, with all the hair and make-up. But he has a very funny wit. Not to mention that fur coat.
And so it is that Michael Barrymore gives the Sun his take on Pete Burns. Although the Celebrity Big Brother runner-up might just as easily be commenting on someone else someone, say, called Camilla.
Just as Burns caused outrage when he was seen wearing the remains of a dead ape on his back, the Duchess of Cornwall is embroiled in a storm over her choice of clothing.
Theres a picture of Camilla on the Mails cover (Camilla and a fur furore) and the story inside the paper of how Camilla attended a public tree-planting ceremony clad in a scarf made of rabbit fur.
Some of you might see this as no big deal. We eat rabbits. There are lots and lots of rabbits. So why not find a use for rabbits and inedible rabbit leftovers.
Might it even be that the rabbits used in Camillas scarf happily laid down their lives to keep the throat of our future regents wife snug and warm?
But Anita Singh, spokesman for animal rights campaigners People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (Peta), is shaken to the core. Its very surprising and shocking that she should choose to wear fur, says Singh, who seems less than au fait with the miles of ermine that often swaddle our royals.
Singh goes on: She is flying in the face of public opinion which is overwhelmingly opposed to the breeding of animals for the fur trade.
Is it? Are we the public all shocked and appalled? When was the last time you were asked what your views were on farming animals for their fur?
And, in any case, how does Peta know where Camillas scarf has come from? As we said earlier, might this garment be the by-product of a meaty lunch. And, if so, is this not an example of recycling in action? Look out for Camilla wearing empty yoghurt pots as earrings and fashioning old milk bottle tops into a new eco-friendly crown.
And look out for her wearing socks made from the skin of animal right campaigners who have strayed onto her land…’
Doing Bird
‘IN the ongoing war with the birds, it would be easy to brand Janice and George Cope traitors.
But the Mail, which for weeks has been delivering chilling warnings about the clear and present danger posed by bird flu, seems to be on their side.
The story is that while out before dawn in the streets of Kiveton Park, South Yorkshire, armed with sultanas and pieces of bread (not laced with cyanide, but full of sustenance and wheaty goodness), the Copes were pounced upon by two council wardens.
The Copes two-hour ritual of feeding the birds had been caught on CCTV. The authorities had been notified. Wardens had been secreted near the local library. And at 7:30 am, the patriotic forces confronted the wrongdoers, issuing a £50 fixed penalty ticket for dropping litter.
Rotherham Council says the food is a potential health hazard. Richard Bremall, the councils environment enforcement officer, says that the Copes are not scattering a few pieces of bread, but dumping a carrier bag full of food over a wide area.
But the offenders are not impressed. We are just trying to do our bit for wildlife and the environment and these idiots are treating us like common criminals, says Mrs Cope.
She vows to not pay the fine. And Mr Cope, whose name appears on the ticket, says he will go to jail if he has to.
But should Mr Cope go before the Beak, we warn him that the Treason Felony Act 1848 clearly states that a move to stir any foreigner or stranger with force to invade the United Kingdom or any other of her Majesty’s dominions or countries under the obeisance of her Majesty shall be transported beyond the seas for the term of his or her natural life.
The war with the birds goes on…’
