Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Free House
‘JOHN Prescott does not do things by halves. He does things in twos. He does two fingers. He does two jabs. And, famously, he does two Jags.
Unkind critics might even refer to the Deputy Prime Ministers two chins, and his two faces, which enable him Janus-like to run the council-tax system while not paying his dues.
As the Express screams from its front page, the words hanging like a pall over a photo of a grinning Prezza: JAIL THIS COUNCIL TAX CHEAT.
You see, Prezza has more than one house. No surprise there for the man who has talked of the tremendous demand for housing. We may not have believed he was referring to his own needs when he said it, but we now stand corrected.
Prezza has three houses. As the Mail shows by way of a pictorial montage, Prezza has a home in Hull, a grand residence with castellated walls and buttresses. He also has the use of Dorneywood, Buckinghamshire.
And since Labour came to power, Prezza has enjoyed living in Admiralty House, Whitehall. And it is this last property that has led to calls for his incarceration.
As the Mail so succinctly puts it in its headline: While your council tax soared, Prezza wasnt paying his. Honest John has admitted that for the last eight years he has not paid a single penny in council tax on his Admiralty Arch flat.
Cabinet Office rules clearly state that if the grace-and-favour home, such as Admiralty Arch, is the main residence, then responsibility for paying council tax is down to the minister who lives there.
And if Prezza cant understand that, he has lots and lots of paid advisors to help him keep abreast of the rules. He can even discuss it with his neighbours, Environment Secretary Margaret Beckett and Commons Leader Geoff Hoon, who both pay their council tax in full.
But something went wrong. And none of it was Prezzas fault, not really. The Mirror brands Prezza blundering, and hears him apologise for his inadvertent error, a genuine misunderstanding.
And to ensure that it doesnt happen again, Prezza is insisting in the strongest language possible that in future all council tax bills relating to the property are sent directly and personally to him.
As such, Prezza might like to note that the current fee for living in this Band H London pad is £1,236. And, in case he misunderstands, that is in pounds sterling and payable not just once but every year.’
Bacon Flashers
‘YOU all know the problem. You stumble to the kitchen in the morning, yank open the fridge door and find the little yellow light out of action.
Nonetheless, you plough on, picking out what you believe are the ingredients for a delicious breakfast. You chuck everything in a bowl, pour over what you believe to be milk and settle down to a delicious breakfast of last nights curry leftovers, stuffed olives and lettuce drenched in ice cold fizzy orange.
But no more. Thanks to brainiacs in Taiwan, your morning pile of bacon rashers now glows of its own accord. All hail the dayglo pig!
The Express has a shot of one of these prototype pigs going about its piggy ways in daylight hours. Aside from a yellow snout, it looks much like any other pig. But when a florescent light is shone on it at night, as the Mail shows, Babe glows a vivid green.
As Professor Wu Shinn-Chih, who worked on the luminous pig project, boasts: Even their hearts and internal organs are green.
And the move is not just good news for bacon lovers with faulty refrigerators, but also for the scientists who say that since the animals genetic material is so easy to see the pigs can be used to study human diseases.
And as really great novelty torches…’
The Brain Drain
‘SCREW your thinking hats on. There now follows a sample new-look GCSE chemistry question. Q: Ali likes potatoes. He knows potatoes can be cooked by frying them or boiling them. Write down one other way to cook potatoes.
Answer: Place exam paper, GCSE exam certificates and other wastepaper into a large bin. Set fire to paper with match. Throw on potato.
The Mail has more sample questions from the revamped science GCSEs to test its brainy readership with. Lets take a look at the biology module.
Q: Suggest one feature you can see [insert picture of rabbits here] could help a rabbit to survive in its natural habitat.
A study of the picture reveals no central heating unit, no fridge-freezer and absolutely no telephone by which a hungry rabbit can dial the Lettuce U Like fast food chain.
All things considered, we concur with the Mails suggested answer: Big ears.
This is all very interesting. And those of you who didnt take or failed science exams at school are forgiven for thinking this is your big chance to get back in class and get some qualifications.
But why bother. You can pass these tests without any tutoring. Just listen to Dr Martin Stephen, headmaster of prestigious St Pauls public school, London.
The new GCSEs are to real science what baby food is to steak, says he. While we check the jar of baby Armanis steak puree and carrots, Dr Stephen goes on.
They will bore the pants off many students, not inflame them with a new love of science, says he. Science has been dumbed down and broadened out.
And Dr Stephen seems to have a point. Weve already seen a couple of sample questions. And now we read that these new science lessons will focus less on sir setting fire to things and centre instead on something called science for life.
New science is all about cooking potatoes and noting how rabbits have big ears. Pupils will concentrate their minds on modern issues, like GM foods, global warming and cloning.
Those students with a flair for science can be put on more academic programmes, but the rest get by on Alis microwaved genetically modified spuds and Flopsys cloned ears…’
Doubles All Round
‘IS beer good for the brain? Its just that weve been watching the British Darts Organisation World Championship and have yet to see any of the dartists fail to calculate the best way to hit their target score in three darts or less.
Of course, our opening question could be seen to smack of prejudice. Darts has moved with the times and we should broaden the argument to take in other drinks, like lager, cider and alcopops.
But the premise remains is the hedonistic lifestyle of some of our biggest sportsmen conducive to being good at sums (darts doyen Bobby Mr Glitter George has two fridges in his bedroom to keep the chocolate he likes to eat at night chilled; Andy The Viking Fordham’s used to guzzle 25 bottles of beer a day.
And its not only we who are thinking such thoughts. The Mirror reports that Education Minister Phil The Good Hope is of the opinion that darts sharpens the mind.
Stepping up to the oche, Phil makes his views known. You need to know your maths if youve got two darts left and want to win the match, says he.
Darts, whether youre watching or playing, can show people how useful maths can be in sports and life.
Agility might not be the word that spins to mind when considering darts, but the players minds are limber and as sharp as the tips on their arrows.
Which means it could be time to bring darts into the classroom. Or to take the kids to the darts.
Lets see how fast the scholars can work out the price of two double snowballs, a lager top, five shandies and a brandy and fizzy orange before sir hits his double top…’
All Bar Hats
‘THE hat is not for the street: it will never be democratised. But there are certain houses that one cannot enter without a hat. And one must always wear a hat when lunching with people whom one does not know well. One appears to ones best advantage – Coco Chanel.
Looking at the yoofs in their chavtastic baseball caps its hard to believe that the hat was once the ultimate morion of respectability.
The fine reputation once enjoyed by the hat has long gone. Time has moved on.
And we are sympathetic to the plight of angry granddad Colin Osborne, who appears in the Mirror neatly turned out in a tidy, felt trilby.
For the benefit of the Suns readers, and out of a sense of politeness and decency, Mr Osborne, as his hat demands he be addressed, doffs his headgear in their direction.
But the barmaid at The Monument pub in Hereford is unimpressed. She wants him to go further. She wants him to remove his hat completely. This is a Greene King pub, and such regal establishments have standards.
As a spokesman for the chain of pubs explains: Hats of any kind obscure the face of customers from the cameras. To remain consistent and fair, we ask all customers to observe the policy.
Fair enough. You cant make the hoodies remove their cowls and show their pimply mugs and ignore the clear danger posed by other forms of headgear.
Perhaps it would be fairer still if 64-year-old Mr Obsorne were asked for proof of his age, as other drinkers might be? Or asked if hed like ice and a slice in his pint of bitter, as doubtless the barmaid demands of gin and vodka drinkers? Anything less is discriminatory.
But rather than argue the point, Mr Osborne removed his hat to keep the peace.
Of course he did. The civilising effects of a trilby hat permit no other course of action.
Though contentious Mr Osborne maintains that he should be able to wear a hat where he chooses and slammed as ridiculous by no less an authority than Hat Magazine, the incident passed of peacefully.
But we wonder how different things could have been had Mr Osborne turned up at the pub sporting a large crown, a veil or horror of horrors a Cavalry Helmet of the 6th Inniskilling Dragoons…’
Civil Service
‘EVER hear of the Local Authorities Coordinators of Regulatory Services?
Indeed, it does sound like the kind of body peopled by colourless men with oiled hair and thick breath that hints of stale ginger snap biscuits, milky Earl Grey tea and Thai brides.
But today the lid is lifted off this fusty world and the Mirror tells us that in light of Lacorss recommendations two marriage rooms at Wolverhampton Register Office have been renamed wedding rooms.
Its the same at Stourbridge, where happy couples looking for the Marriage Suite are being redirected to the Crown Suite.
The word marriage has been removed so as not to offend gay couples, now able to be legally united in a civil partnership ceremony.
And the Mail is outraged. The paper says that all signs are to change. All register offices which oversee more than 180,000 weddings a year will make no reference to marriage except where it is legally necessary.
So town halls are being asked: Is your signage correct? Have you considered changing the name of your marriage room to something that will be suitable for both?
This does not sound so awful. The details of the story seem at odds with the Mails opening line that the words marriage and wedding are to be purged from register offices.
Its more that the new ceremonies will be shoehorned in with the old. New signs need to say Registrars of Births, Deaths, Marriages and Civil Partnerships.
Perhaps the Mail would rather gay couples did not know where to go? Or that councils stick arrows on the walls saying Civil Partnership Ceremonies this way arrows which lead the gay couple, their friends and families into a basement dungeon?
Perhaps it would.
But until then, the Mail will have to put up with gays mixing with the upright straights. Although it should note that decent society will not be too affected what with it being sat in church…’
A Captive Audience
‘LOOK on in wonder as the cop removes Jack The Hat McVities trilby, reaches inside and pulls out a huge bunch of flowers.
Feast your eyes upon the wonder as PC Knacker reaches behind the defendants ear and produces the missing diamond ring.
Gasp in excitement and awe as Marvo The Marvellous Man In Blue makes evidence appear before your eyes, producing signed confessions, witnesses and even CCTV footage of the crime in progress.
Its amazing. Quite right it is that such feats of magic should make it to the Expresss front page beneath the banner: SCANDAL OF POLICE WITH SECOND JOBS ON THE SIDE.
As if by magic the story also features in the Sun, the paper telling its readers of a Spell in the nick and how Cops have part-time jobs as magicians.
Essex police say that 229 of their 3,349 officers are moonlighting to earn extra cash to buy homes.
While the most common nice little earner is driving, the figures, gleaned under the Freedom of Information Act, show that 12 coppers are listed as musicians or entertainers.
Its hard not to think of these multitalented coppers performing before a captive audience, trying out their parlour tricks and melodies on prisoners before unleashing their criminal acts on an unsuspecting world.
And its not only Essex police doing whatever it takes to get a toehold on the property ladder. The Mail says that one in 15 officers in the Metropolitan Police does outside work, and in Lincolnshire the figure is one in 12.
And the jobs vary. Copper are working as supply teachers, photographers, counsellors, restaurant staff, gardeners and florists. In short, they work as anything that can fit around their shifts.
However talented they are, a Police Federation spokesman tells the mail that this is clearly not a good trend for officers.
And upwardly mobile Liberal Democrat MP Mark Oaten agrees. They should be resting between shifts, not burning the candle at both ends, says he.
Although, as Sergeant Boggles will now demonstrate with a piece of rope, a lighter and his lovely assistant, WPC Suzie Sunshine, you can burn the candle at both ends but not between 1pm and 2pm on a Thursday when the fire brigade are performing at the Happy Slapper pole dancing club…’
An Unmoving Tribute
‘THE Circle of Tears, the bubbling, gurgling and slippery storm drain erected to the memory of Princess Diana, has not been without controversy.
Thirsty dogs love it. Those children who didnt fall over in it thought it great. And the park keepers were delighted at how many fallen leaves it collected. But not everyone was happy.
So now its time to construct a memorial to honour the Queen Mother, the team responsible for it are keen to get it right.
As the Mirror reports, the brief is simple: Ease of ongoing maintenance by the Royal Parks is a key issue, so the use of water and moving parts is to be discouraged.
In a way, that simple statement of intent seems to say much about the Queen Mums life. She moved little, albeit with a motorised grace, and water only served to dilute the gin.
So much for the instructions. What of they who will select the winning design?
The Mirror says that the winner will be selected by Prince Charles and his senior aides after a shortlist has been drawn up.
And you can join in the fun, either by submitting your ideas to this website or to www.qmmemorail.co.uk.
And remember: no water although if you want to include an ice and a slice, thats your prerogative…’
An Iron Will
‘DID the same people who shot JFK and faked the moon landings off Princess Diana? The Express has yet to investigate this possibility, but surely one day it must.
For now all we get is the front-page headline: DIANA DEATH SQUAD RIDDLE. It seems French detectives still looking into the case of Dianas death are keen to speak with a three top MI6 figures who were in Paris the night Di died.
They are also eager to hear from readers who can assist the investigation by replying via their phones to the question: Do you think MI6 are hiding the truth over Dianas death?
Before you dial, consider the power of the Secret Intelligence Service. It might be best to drive to a busy city centre and dial the Expresss poll from a public payphone. There is, after all, a death squad at large; and the Express cant afford to lose any readers.
Meanwhile, Prince William, Dianas eldest son, could be embarking on Stage 1 of his own private investigation into his mothers untimely demise.
One way to discover the truth is for the Express to have a man on the inside. So, as the paper reports, Wills has joined the Army. And yesterday he arrived at Sandhurst to begin his military career.
Bye, Pa, shouted the heir to the throne as his father, Prince Charles, was driven away by persons unknown.
It was time for Wills to get to work. The Mail says Officer Cadet Wales will rise from his pit at dawn, iron shirts, polish boots, do his laundry and march up and down.
For the first five weeks of the 44-week course, Wills will be unable to leave barracks.
And there is little chance of his being able to move freely within the college’s walls. As the Sun reports, Wills is surrounded by a crack squad of soldiers and royal protection officers all day and night.
These troops will stop anyone getting to Wills – and prevent Wills and whatever information he can gather from getting out…’
Bombing In Iraq
‘WHEN Prince William graduates from Sandhurst, hell be treated no differently to the rest of the Army lads hell be sent into battle dressed in a pair of boots that melt in the heat and equipped with a non-firing gun.
Wills might need to supply his own body armour; but a call to granny should see him kitted out in a pair of the finest greaves, a polished breastplate and the best Lobster-tailed helmet this side of the English Civil War.
Wills is sure to cut quite a dash as he dishes out sweets to local children in Basra.
Hell also be clearly visible from the air. Problem is the RAF cant really offer Will and his cohorts the backup they need.
As the Sun reports, its not just the Army that doesnt always have the right gear for the job. The paper says that the RAFs 12 Tornado GR4 bombers based in Iraq have not dropped a bomb in 15 months.
The RAF does have bombs. Theyre just not the right sort of bombs. As the paper says, the RAF boasts 1,000lb monster explosives.
These are terrific at blowing up entire towns in a single drop, but are less than ideal for hitting insurgents with precision.
We are desperate to do a great job, but havent got the right equipment because of budget constraints, says a source within the RAF.
So it is that while the Americans have made 150 air strikes in the last month alone, the RAF has yet to drop a single bomb.
Although this may soon change. As a Ministry of Defence spokesman tells the Sun: The purchase of smaller precision-guided bombs is being looked at.
And in the meantime, the RAF will continue to fly sorties over Iraq and shouting Bang! in the approved manner whenever the enemy is sighted…’
Turkey’s Birds
‘FLUS next? asks the Sun. But before your hand shoots into the air and you start screaming me know that the question should be heard in full. It goes something like: Flus next for a dose of bird flu?
The Sun notes that a 14-year-old farmer in Turkey has died after developing pneumonia-like symptoms. His sister has also died. And a third sibling is seriously ill with suspected bird flu.
As the paper says, these are the first reported cases of deaths caused by the H5N1 strain outside Asia. The birds are getting closer.
And to show just how close, the Sun produces a map of Asia and Europe. To illustrate how the disease is spreading, there are arrows bouncing out of and into Vietnam, Thailand, Indonesia, Cambodia, China and now Turkey.
And from Turkey theres a long arrow that bounces all the way to somewhere in the Ringwood area of Hampshire.
This might be down to chance the arrow has to end somewhere. But to be on the safe side we urge all residents of the town to remain vigilant. Be watchful for sickly sparrows. Check for pigeons with a fever. Ask your parrots how theyre feeling.
If the Suns map is right, we are all next. And dont think about there being some kind of miracle vaccine to save us – as the Mail says in its headline: We need 40 times as much bird flu vaccine says expert.
This expert is one Professor Hugh Pennington. Billed as Britains top microbiologist, Pennington says that the Government should order £120million doses of vaccine enough to give us all two jabs.
And it wouldnt cost all that much. As Professor John Oxford, Britains leading flu specialist, tells the paper, it would cost about £6 a dose.
Forget the fact that the virus has yet to mutate to human-to-human infection, however hard it might be trying. Lets get inoculated before it does for us all – like Variant CJD, MRSA, the MMR vaccine, Michael Barrymore…’
In A Pickle
‘ONE way to escape the ravages of bird flu is to pickle ourselves in alcohol.
But take care overdoing the pickling process can lead to cirrhosis of the liver and all manner of alcohol-related illnesses.
Not that youre listing, being too drunk to pay attention. But the Mail talks on. It says that we Britons are drinking ourselves to death at the fastest rate in Europe.
The paper says that over the past 40 years, alcohol consumption in the UK has doubled. Drinking to excess now kills 22,000 of us a year.
This is sobering stuff. And Professor Robin Room, writing in the medial journal The Lancet, blames the Government for not making the reduction of the populations alcohol intake a policy goal.
But how can legislation curtail our love of booze? Professor Ian Gilmore, head of the Royal College of Physicians alcohol committee, thinks he knows. He calls for a clampdown on alcohol advertising, leading to a total ban.
Its not a bad idea. Let booze follow the example set by cigarettes. But while even one fag is bad for us, we often hear medics extolling the virtues of a glass of wine or vitamin-rich beer.
A ban does not seem the best way to go. Better, perhaps, to create a culture that doesnt value getting off your face on hooch so highly.
Or just replace booze with something else and get the medics to dish out yet more happy pills on prescription…’
Food (Poisoning) For Thought
‘WARNING: READING THE DAILY MAIL MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO HEALTH.
Monday
Food poisoning all round
Tuesday
Mothers told of nicotine patch link to birth defects
Adverts do make teens rink more Yes, folks advertising works. And it works best on young, impressionable minds steeped in, er, alcopops
THE BIRD FLU BLACK MARKET Its over-priced and illegal but with official stocks of Tamiflu the only drug that fights bird flu still to arrive. Many are tuning to the internet to protect their families. But are these £7 tablets the real thing?
Wednesday
Arthritis patients refused drugs in NHS cash crisis – so claims the Arthritis Research Campaign
Once Labour was proud to be the party of the poor. Now its the party of perpetual poverty
Do girls brains turn them into binge drinker? Study at Duke University Medical Centre, North Carolina, suggests women are less affected by alcohols sedative qualities than men
Why children are no safer in a four-wheel drive They might be big and capable of running down lesser beings in their hatchbacks, but they are more likely to roll over in an accident
Thursday
Wrap up, the big chill is back Not winter…again!
Childcare may turn parents into strangers Dr Christopher Arnold, an educational psychologist, says children who use after-school and breakfast clubs could mean we are sleepwalking our way into more institutionalised childcare
How smoking could make your son fat Researchers say men who smoke while young have higher chance of having fat sons
The city that went to pot Holland was in the vanguard of drugs liberalisation. Now, faced with soaring crime and gangs ruling the streets, it is launching a draconian crackdown. So what lessons can Britain learn?
Warmer UK faces risk of malaria Another peril of global warming
Friday
We need 40 times as much bird flu vaccine Theres not enough for us all
MAGNETIC BRACELETS FAIL TO EASE ARTHRITIS So says an article in British Medical Journal
Britons lad the way at drinking themselves to death
Baby milk firms failing to warn of meningitis risk
Conker trees hit by mystery disease Our conker trees could die
YES, I WAS AN ALCOHOLIC Charles Kennedy empathises with the binge-drinking electorate’
Boar War
‘ITS our sad duty to report that Toga, the penguin who was taken from a zoo on the Isle of White in the days before Christmas, has not been found.
And its news that comes as a surprise to us. Surely all those hunting types no longer able to hunt foxes would relish the chance to track down something as exotic as a penguin.
But for some reason, hunters have yet to saddle up their horses, summon the hounds and bray Talky ho! as they search for young Toga.
But hunters are being put to use. Two weeks ago, animal activists freed 60 wild boar from Alan Dedames Woodland Wild Boar Farm, Devon.
The framer wanted his livestock back, and locals were less than thrilled about wild animals with razor-sharp tusks living in the area. The beasts had to be caught.
So the hunt was summoned. As the Express says, members of the Dulverton Farmers Hunt joined forces with the Taw Vale Beagle Hunt to search for the hairy pigs.
But this was in no way sport. The pigs would not be slaughtered that for later, when theyve settled back into farm life and been lulled into a false sense of security.
It was only by way of precaution that 100 huntsmen and followers, accompanied by 20 men on quad bikes some with shotguns – went looking for the escapees.
And then, as the Mail reports, a sign was spotted. Can you show us what youre looking at? asked a TV cameraman. Farmer and animal tracker Geoff Cox surveyed the mud and looked at the media type. Youve just trodden in it… he replied.
That one got away. But an 18-month male was spotted. And, as luck had it, the creature made his way back home under his own steam.
Its brilliant, says Mr Dedames in the Express. He went straight back into the enclosure as well. He ran back totally by himself.
Thats encouraging news for those of us concerned for Toga. With the right inducement, he might yet make like a boar and go home.
Mass the hounds. Sound the hunting horn. Load the guns. Its time to flush Toga out…’
Moss Turns Grass
‘SO much for Primrose Hill, that London enclave of celebrity and coffee shops built around what appears to be a huge mound of dog poo. As the Sun says: Primrose Hill mob get axe.
This is not a headline to be taken literally. This celebrity set has not been offed by a madman its been just been given the chop by Kate Moss.
The Sun says that British police are urging Moss to return to Blighty. BRITAINS MOSS WANTED, says the Sun on its front page an, er, EXCLUSIVE story that also features on the Mails cover.
TAKE ME TO YOUR DEALER, says the Sun. Police want to know who supplies cocaine to the showbiz elite, and the boys in blue believe Moss may be able to help them.
For everybodys sake, and for her to move on, the sooner she speak to us the better, says Metropolitan Police assistant commissioner Tarique Ghaffur in the Mail.
But Moss has already moved on. Shes in the United States. And, as we said earlier in the piece, shes cut her old pals from her life.
Just listen as a friend of the model tells the Sun: Basically, she is now only talking to the sober people in England.
That development could make it easy for the cops to spot the wrongdoers theyre the ones no longer speaking to Kate.
Only, given this countrys culture of binge drinking and the popularity of drugs (recreational and prescription), Mosss new contacts book may be as slim as her frame…’
Gypsy Warning
‘HEARTY congratulations to Shelia Walsh. As the Express reports, the Nottinghamshire woman has won the papers competition to win a camper van.
Sheila plans to pilot her Auto-Sleepers Nuevo ES van – with toilet, hot and cold water and shower – around Scotland.
We hope she has a great time. And takes car where she parks we wouldnt want her to be mistaken for a gypsy and be pilloried by the, er, Express…’
TB Or Not TB
‘COWS are people, too. So goes the legend on the badges we at Anorak are now sporting to show our support for five-month-old Mousles Fern.
For those of you keen to show your support for this noble cause, the Mirror produces a badge-sized photo of the Dexter bull calf.
We implore you to cut out the picture and stick it on top of your old badges, the ones that proclaim Donkeys are people too (save Blackie the donkey), Hounds are people too (save the fox hunt) and Celebrities are people too (save Anthea Turner).
Over in the Mail (I wont let the men from the ministry kill my calf), theres a picture of both young Mousles and his owner, 63-year-old farmer Sheilagh Kremers.
Leaning on the gate and looking every inch the angry land worker, Kremers is appalled that the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs wants to off her young charger.
Mousles might appear healthy, but hes showed signs of having been exposed to bovine tuberculosis. And, as a Defra spokesman tells the Mail, the law states that any cattle is such a situation must be shot dead.
Mrs Kremers is having none of it. She maintains that being diagnosed as a TB reactor means the calf has just a 20 per cent chance of carrying TB.
The only way to really know if Mousles is carrying the disease is to shoot him and then run a thorough check of his steaks and ribs.
To Mr Kremerss mind this is insane. As she tells the Mirror: Its like a doctor telling me I must die and then theyll test to see whether or not I have cancer.
She makes a fair point. And while the Health Service mulls over that idea, Kremer says that she will do whatever it takes to prevent the men in shiny boots from killing her calf.
She says shes prepared to go to jail. I will stop them coming in whatever it takes, with blockades if necessary, says she.
To say nothing of a badge…’
Expiry Date
‘WHATS the expiry date on your AA membership? Clue: its the same expiry date as on all your cards. Thats right. It is the day you die.
But since not everyone knows the month and year of their demise, the people at AA headquarters need to stamp something on members cards. And if that date exceeds your lifespan, then so be it.
And it was hard luck on 58-year-old David Baker. As the Sun reports, Baker was a card-carrying member of the AA.
Equipped with said card he hopped into his Renault Scenic and intended to drive to a football match. But he was never to see Sheffield Wednesday play again. Baker suffered a massive heart attack and died at the wheel.
Wet with grief, Bakers brother Leonard made the journey to pick up the deceaseds car. But when he got there it wouldnt start. So reaching into the glove box, Leonard retrieved his brothers AA card and phoned for help.
Leonard explains: I rang the AA and they told me I would have to join as David had died. Then the operator said she was going to speak to a manager and hung up on me.
Its hard not to pity Leonard, who in the throes of loss was forced by cruel circumstance to dial into the very pits of Hell that is a call centre. How much greater the pain to be affronted so?
The AA has since apologised for such crass and inhumane profiteering Leonard eventually managed to get the car home without their help.
And we can only hope thats the end of the matter. And that Baker’s hearse doesnt break down…’
Salad Days
‘WARNING: THIS IS THE TOUGHEST DAY OF 2006. So say those brainy researchers at a, er, recruitment consultancy.
The Express publishes the consultants equation that explains why January 3 is such a dog: Depleted wallet x three months of sun depravation/excessive alcohol consumption + increased waistline = toughest working day of 2006.
So there you have it. Today is terrible. Its Black Tuesday. Best to let the whole thing pass you by in a blur. Or plan your escape.
The Express is not without heart, and having reminded us how physically drained were feeling and of the toxins racing through the veins it leads with the headline: HOLIDAY PRICE WAR BONANZA.
This is no war in the sense of an invasion, and staff at Going Places are not now sharpening their staplers and making ready to confront the Thompsons mob at a shopping precinct near you.
Its just that travel operators know how awful were feeling and think the time is ripe to slash their prices and compete for our patronage.
And why not book a trip? You deserve it. Youve already re-mortgaged the house to pay for the kids Christmas presents and all that tinsel, so why not auction off the rest of the turkey on the internet and book a trip to Agadir.
As the Mail says with customary jingoism (Sun seekers cash in on package price war), the depressed can save 25 per cent on a trip to the Moroccan resort.
As an armour-clad spokesman for Thomas Cook explains: This is the most competitive time of the year for travel companies. People are trying to book their summer holidays so they have something to look forward to.
Indeed, they are. So were off to join the queue at the travel agents – and to dream about a depleted wallet, too much sun, excessive alcohol consumption and an increased waistline.
Bon voyage.’
US & Them
‘FEW Londoners and visitors to the place can have failed to notice the enormous pill box that occupies one end of smart Grosvenor Square. Its the US Embassy. And it is ghastly.
But this carbuncle has nothing on what the brightest minds at the US Governments architectural bureau are planning for Baghdad.
As the Mirror reports, the new US embassy will cost more than £1billion and, as a US source in the Middle East says, it will be more secure than The Pentagon.
And it cant be built soon enough. Since Saddam Hussein was ousted and all those statues of the indomitable tyrant hauled down, there have been too few landmarks in the Iraqi capital.
Something needs to be done. So to rival New Yorks Statue of Liberty, Pariss Eiffel Tower and Sydneys Opera House, Baghdad will soon boast a humungous pile of cement, fortified glass and very possibly a moat.
The US embassy will be a beacon of light in a dark land, an indelible sign of American confidence. It will do for Baghdad what it has done for one corner of London…’
Breaking The Mould
‘SEE the modern Briton smoking, binge drinking and being hugely overweight about town. Does he not have fragrance? Does he not have chav chic?
But it really wont do. You see, he is not a happy creature. He must be changed. He must be socially engineered.
So, as the Mirror reports, the burghers of Wrexham are conditioning the way locals respond to alcohol by way of some strategically placed mood lighting. Instead of angry yellow and vomitous orange, the areas outside pubs and clubs will be bathed in lighting in pastel shades.
Its a plan every bit as bold as it is daring. And we pull on our rose-tinted spectacles and applaud Wrexham for tackling violent drunks head on.
So with drinking cured, what of smoking? The Government has already banned smoking in bars, pubs and clubs where food is served. But the Mail has seen the results of a survey commissioned by Cancer Research UK and Action on Smoking and Health (ASH). It says that 72% of Britons back legislation to make all workplaces, including pubs and bars, smoke-free.
In line with what passes for the majority position, we hereby call for a total ban on smoking in public. And urge cigarette manufactures to change the colour of their products so that a lit fag glows in pastel pink or milky beige. If pastels can stop violent drunks, lets try the same trick on smokers.
And if cigarette manufacturers can make the fags smell of potpourri, so much the better.
All that remains is to curb our enthusiasm for eating fat. And the Mail hears of a new Government plan that aims to keep us lithe and fit our young are going to be weighed.
The paper says The Department of Health is to issue guidance to primary care trusts next year on how nurses will weigh children at school.
As a spokesmen for the DoH explains: This is not so much about measuring individual children but about motivating children, families and local populations to live healthy active lives.
Its truly amazing what can be achieved by winching little Armani onto a set of scales. We look forward to the day when school children are streamed according to their body mass index.
Roll on the day when we are all slim, non-smoking and teetotal – and Britain appears on the world map as a delicate smudge of purple…’
Marooned In Paradise
‘HERES a novel way to prolong your next trip abroad and turn it into a two-centre holiday.
The Sun tells the story of 53-year-old Lancashire man who jetted off in search of some winter sun in Tenerife.
What he did there we are not told. But we imagine alcohol was involved because when the unnamed man boarded the plane home he was drunk.
And when Flight ZB558 to Manchester took off, the man began to rant. As the Airbus A321 cruised at 35,000ft, the man became abusive to fellow passengers and the flight staff.
He was refused more drink, but still his wild ways continued. There was noting else for it. He would be dropped off, marooned if you will, at the nearest island.
As a police spokesman on the sun-kissed island of Porto Santo says: He was shouting at other passengers and provoking trouble. He was refused any more to drink but the captain decided not to proceed to Tenerife but to come to our island.
A quick bit of research informs us that Port Santo (the name translates into English as blessed port) lies 37km to the Northeast of Madeira. It produces a sweet and potent wine. Visitors can fill their days with tennis, windsurfing and mini-golf. And, according to the official website, the islands main attraction is a beach nine kilometres long, washed by a deliciously calm, limpid, deep-blue sea.
Who wouldnt want to go there? So while the drunks 211 fellow passengers departed to snowy Blighty, our raving lunatic was left stranded on this paradise.
Where he will doubtless review his life and reconsider his ways over a glass of chilled wine…’
Public Company
‘SITUATION VACANT: Council seeks talented individual to head up its new pantomime studies programme. Some knowledge of wheelie bins an advantage.
Working for the public sector has never been so easy. Mines close and small businesses go to the wall but the public sector keeps on booming.
As the Sun says, 23,000 new public sector jobs were created last year. Six million people now work in the public sector, 650,000 more than when Labour came to power in 1997. Thats a rise of 13 per cent. Thats progress.
And there really is something for everyone. If panto studies are not your bag (oh, yes they are), the Sun highlights a few other jobs that have been advertised in the past 12 months.
Would you like to be the Director of Understanding and Enjoyment in the New Forest? This job commands a salary of £50,000 and more leaves than you can shake a taxus baccata (yew) stick at.
What about a £25,000 Street Scene Outreach Officer for Enfield Council? Dont let the complicated job title put you off chances are no-one knows what it means, least of all the councils new Head of Job Title Names and Badges who dreamt it up.
Or theres the Compost Development Officer in Scotland. On a basic salary of £26,000, you will examine ways in which Scotland can be turned into mulch and sprinkled on gardens in the south east of England.
But whatever the council job, its well paid. As the Sun says, the average salary is £35,000 while the private sector average is £25,000.
Add to this information the news that many state posts have a 37-hour week, 31 days holiday, and £1,000 loyalty bonuses after 12 months and its time to rethink your own career path.
If you dont already work for the council or Government, its high time you did. And you cant find the right job for you, just tell the powers that be.
How does Head of [insert own name here] Studies at the adult education centre grab you?’
Behind You!
‘BEHIND YOU!
Oh, pantomimes can be sooo frustrating. How is it that Buttons cant see a huge 7ft gorilla standing behind him? How comes he cant even smell him?
But should we expect any more from a former soap actor who hasnt yet spotted that the dashing prince is a woman and the cow hes taking to market sounds like that that weather girl off the telly? Perhaps not.
Best just to sit back and enjoy the show. And to cheer along as Stu Francis (Ooo, I could crush a grape!) invites a few audience members to join him on stage.
But whats this? Usually, this dash to win a piece of Turkish delight is contested between a gaggle of four to eight year olds. But here comes 41-year-old Ricky Knight. The Mirror looks on as Knight dashes on stage to ask Julie Matthews to marry him. And shes only gone and said Oh, yes I will.
Meanwhile, over in Fareham, Hants, the panto has adopted a sombre tone. Stars are appealing for information in the ongoing hunt for Toga the penguin.
The Sun hears from ventriloquist Keith Harris. Looking at his fluffy green bird Orville, Harris says: Orville is an orphan and knows what its like to be alone.
Were all so worried, adds Big Brothers Kemal, playing a Fairy God-Diva in Cinderella at Portsmouth.
And Home & Aways Ray Meacher, in Aladdin at Bournemouth, Dorset, says: Anyone with information should come forward.
And if the stars cant get you to talk, what about the £25,000 reward on offer? Now, where is he, kids? Behind you!’
Snow Go
‘TIME to pull on your new knitted jumper and those musical socks or, better yet, chuck them on the fire. Its getting cold out there.
Blizzards batter Britain, announce the Mail and Express in one voice, the harbinger of bad tidings jinxing the weather.
Indeed, the two papers are almost indistinguishable from one another.
Like two miserabilists waiting at the bus stop, they echo each others words. Heavy snowfalls swept across the south of England causing travel chaos with weathermen warning worse is to come, says the Mail. Heavy snowfalls swept across the south of England causing travel chaos with weathermen warning worse is to come, mutters the Express in agreement.
Its all too terrible. Winter brings cold weather is a headline wed never thought wed see. But there it is in black and white, and in duplicate.
Of course, its not all bad news especially if youre a penguin.
Run, Toga! Run! Or waddle. Ski on those huge feet if you must. Just keep moving. Mum and dad Kyala and Oscar are waiting for you and they wont wait forever.
The Sun reminds us all that Toga, the penguin chick snatched from Amazon World on the Isle of Wight 11 days ago, is still missing. We cannot be sure where Toga is, but should he make it home under his own steam, theres a book, movie and much merchandise in his great adventure.
But not everyone is optimistic. As the zoos manager Kath Bright tells the paper: They [Kyala and Oscar] are getting to the point where they are thinking, He is not here, lets have another one.
Theres a chance the breeding pair of black-footed penguins will have more eggs some time soon.
And we urge thieves not to take these, too. Penguin eggs might be cute and high in omega 3, but, like Kyala and Oscars hearts, they are easy to break…’
