Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Seven Times Unlucky
‘THERES safety in numbers. Thats why the papers love them. Here are some things we learned last week
7 An illegal immigrant has been sent away by UK immigrations officials seven times
15 Ludicrous X Factor wannabe Chico Slimani says before he found God he used to sleep with 15 women at a time
18 The Government looked into raising the legal age of buying cigarettes to 18
20 If awarded the first of his Liverpool side three goals against Wigan, Peter Crouch will have taken 20 hours and 25 minutes of football to score for his club
120 The new King Kong film used 120 miniature scale trees and 104,000 pieces of foliage
174.2 The average private car sold last year produced 174.2 grams of carbon dioxide, up from 173.6g/km in 2003
196 A study by Woolworths found parents spend nearly £196 more on Christmas presents for their sons than their daughters
2036 In 2036, should a 390-metre wide asteroid named Apophois pass through a keyhole in space, it will collide with Earth
5,070 Essex Police force tore up all 5,070 speeding ticket issued to its officers. The force claims the tickets were earned in the line of duty all of them!
8,800 The worlds first Christmas card, commissioned by Sir Henry Cole in 1843, was sold to Jakki Brown, general secretary for the Greeting Card Association, for £8,800
20,000 A 245-mile flight taking Prince William to pick up a pair of new Army boots cost 20,000 (Mail) or £10,000 (Sun)
100,000 Princess Dianas spare wedding gown sold at auction for £100,000 to a private collector in the US
102,000 Michael Owens £102,000 a week pay packet makes him the highest paid footballer in the Premier League
500,000 Express reports on rumours that the director of a Premier League football club won £500,000 on a bet that Harry Redknapp would become manager of Portsmouth FC
2 billion Researchers at Brunel University says £2bn worth of presents will be binned, given to charity or resold on the web’
Hurtful Words
‘WARNING: READING THE DAILY MAIL MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO HEALTH.
Monday
10,000 dentists have quit health service since 1997
The agency nurses who cost £1,100 for one shift – Some temporary nurses cost the equivalent of £88 an hour
Middle class women face higher breast cancer risk So says a study carried out by the National Institute of Health in the US
Children of five should be given lessons in sex So says Government advisors. Oh, Brave New World of erotic play
Women ruining their love lies with worry – More than 2,500 woman called the Sexual Dysfunction Association for help last year
Tuesday
The dangerous year before the menopause – The decade before the change could be crucial in preventing brittle bones and heart diseases say researchers at Wake Forest University Medical Centre, North Carolina
How those marital rows can be bad for the health – Study says physical wounds on rowing married couples take longer to heal
Police are too busy with terror to check up on paedophiles
Pensioner dies after 40 hours on a hospital trolley – Constance Francis, 84, died of internal bleeding after doctors failed to notice her seven broken ribs
Wednesday
20st girls in weight loss surgery killed by hospital blunder – Doctors failed to remove a band that had been surgically placed around Hayley Caunters stomach
Two-month operation delay is OK is if it saves money, say Hewitt – Health Secretary Patricia Hewitt urged hospital to delay treatment to save money
Thursday
The hospital go-slow. Cash crisis at 25pc of trust will add to surgery delays
Sicknesss at the heart of our health service
Killed by a meatball. Girl of five chocked to death as she hurried to finish school dinner Hannah Howes was rushing her dinner to go out to play
Friday
Mercedes brake fault has caused death crashes – German car maker upbraided for an alleged fault in the breaking system on its Sprinter vans involved in crashes that have cost six lives
EAT , DRINK TOO MUCH AND NHS MAY DENY YOU CARE – Smokers drinkers and the fat could be denied treatment on the NHS’
Air To The Throne
‘PRINCE William really is a chip of the old Windsor block. Hes blessed with his mothers height, his fathers teeth and Uncle Andrews travel plans.
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Andrew prepares for a dash to the toilet |
Theres Wills on the front page of the Sun (ROYAL AIR FARCE), helmet on, strapped into the cockpit of an RAF fighter jet and raring to go.
And hed best hurry. Wills is booked into Sandhurst next month and he needs to pick up his new Army boots pronto. So here he is ready to make the journey from RAF Valley, North Wales, where hes been on work experience, to RAF Lyneham, near his fathers Highgrove estate.
All things being equal, the 245-mile journey should take just 30 minutes in a Hawk trainer aircraft. Much better than five hours in the Rolls.
And great news – the trip, which the Mail estimates cost £20,000 and the Sun prices at £10,000, was a success. Wills has his boots.
As a Clarence House spokesman explains in the Mail: The RAF were keen that he had a programme that familiarised him with the full range of work that they do.
It was indeed vitally important that Wills should know that as well as fighting wars and putting on displays, the RAF acts as a kind of high-speed mini cab service, albeit without the Magic Tree hanging from a rear view window.
And do not doubt for a moment that Williams boots are important and worth the cash. As the Sun says, Prince Harry failed to pick up his Army boots promptly and unable to wear them in was struck down with foot blisters.
Making it necessary for Harry to get around in a private helicopter until the wounds heeled…’
Opening Night
‘ITS often said of celebrities that they will attend the opening of a letter.
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Opening at a semi near you |
So were not overly surprised to see Coronation Street actress Beverley Callard accepting the invitation to switch on the lights at Phil Atkinsons semi-detached house.
The house is certainly eye-catching and it was an honour to switch on the Christmas lights, says Callard, surveying the illuminated house in Salford, Greater Manchester.
And it was an honour for the crowd of around 100 souls to come and see a star go through her paces.
And at once we see a new show. Welcome to Celebrity Openings with your host Anthea Turner.
This week Anthea will be attending the opening of a mans mouth in Bridlington…’
Flash Photography
‘CHANCES are that while youre reading this you are being surveyed by a secret CCTV camera. Dont look it will only make you appear as if youre trying to hide something. Act natural.
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The camera never lies |
Cameras are everywhere. As the Sun reminds rail employees, they can even be found in phones.
Following the story of the train drivers who flash their colleagues as they zoom along the tracks at high speed is the tale of the driver who went the extra miles and had sex in his cab.
A 53-second video taken on a mobile phone shows the unnamed driver in the company of a woman. What happens next is not revealed in the paper, the footage being too steamy for readers.
But it is nothing short of shocking. It truly is incredible the length some passengers are forced to go to in order to get a seat on a train.
But this is not all. Staying with the theme of being caught on camera, the Express sees the dumbest joyriders is Britain showing the speed camera their best and worst sides.
Taken in the Bournemouth area, the picture shows three youths turning to the camera and smiling broadly as their speeding vehicle triggers the flash.
To negate the effects of glass distortion, the youth in the passenger seat thoughtfully pokes his head out of the window and give the camera a hearty thumbs up.
As PC Robin Ellis of Bournemouth Police says, to have all three of them turn to the camera at the same time is incredible and very lucky for us.
And something the rapscallions mothers can stick in a frame…’
The Royal Wee
‘NO sooner has the new Queen been crowned than the Royal Family is struck by a double blow.
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‘Well, at least you didn’t eat toes’ |
With Queen Cawol Thatchers crown still in bloom, the Sun begins to investigate her past. And today Cawols subjects read the salacious headline: I bonked Carol in kitchen at No10.
For Sara Fergusons toe-sucking, read Carols clandestine meeting with fashion designer Tom Gilbey.
Gilbey, now aged 67, says that at a dinner in the mid-1980s, when Maggie Thatcher was ruling the land with her iron fist and hair, Cawol and Gilbey were overcome with passion.
Carol tried to dominate during sex and was a control freak, says Gilbey, ever the gent. I guess she gets it from her mother.
With Denis Thatcher no longer among us, we have no-one available to corroborate Gilbeys assertion.
But such revelations are damaging. And coupled with the Thatchers elevation to the uppermost echelon of the aristocracy, the excitement may have been too much for Maggie.
As the front page of the Express reports in darkest black ink: MAGGIE RUSHED INTO HOSPITAL – Fears for Iron Lady aged 80 as she falls ill having hair done.
The Sun takes up the story and says that while having her tresses ironed, galvanised and pressed, Maggie felt faint and unwell. An ambulance was called. And Maggie was taken to the NHS Chelsea and Westminster Hospital at great speed.
But the good news is that doctors do not think Maggie is seriously ill and plan to discharge her today.
The obituary writers can stand down. Maggie is still among us and plans to be so for many years to come.
She is, after all, the Queen Mother. As befitting her title she is surely set to see her 100th birthday, and so receive a telegram from the Queen…Queen Cawol.’
Parent Teacher Association
‘CAN there be anything more terrible than attending a school where one or more of your parents teach?
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‘And this is me and yer mother, Mr Tomkins, conducting a biology practical in 1967’ |
We have long believed not. To have biology teacher mum talk about the human reproductive system in front of you and your teenage classmates must be mortifying.
So spare a thought for the pupils at Wedmore First School in Somerset. As the Express reports (School is so poor the parents have to teach), the schools budget is such that no additional teachers can be paid for.
And more teaching staff are needed. As the Express explains, Government policy means teachers have to spend more time planning lessons and marking papers.
And while miss and sir are doing the paperwork, theyre not teaching the children. But the school has no spare cash for more staff.
As headteacher Jackie Hipwell says: Our budget isnt enough so we have not been fully funded by the Government to pay for the teachers time.
So on Tuesday and Wednesday afternoons, local people come in to help out.
And that, apparently, means parents. The Express says these helpers are parents but produces no evidence to support its claim.
We dont hear of the accountant dad who teachers maths. No mention is made of the hairdresser mum who takes a chemistry class. And the paper fails to find the economics study group run by a mum subsisting on state benefits.
Which makes us wonder how the Express is run by professional journalists, or anyone who can think up a good headline..?’
Pilot Error
‘EVER sat on a train and wondered whats going on in the cockpit?
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All change |
Well, now, thanks to the Sun, we know. Forget any ideas you have of the proud driver pulling out of the station dressed in smart overalls and cap.
And fill your mind with a picture of the typical rail employee stark naked, flashing his colleagues on other services and taking photos of himself as he pilots the train along a track.
One train driver on the route between Sheffield and Londons St Pancras has been caught behaving in just such a fashion.
And rail company Midland Mainline says hes not the only one. The flashing driver has been sacked, but a further five divers are said to have been involved in such stunts.
An insider says that the drivers got up to all sorts of pranks. Its like playing Russian roulette with passenger lives, they say.
But can we not find a shred of sympathy for these drivers? Going along the track day in day out cannot be the most stimulating job.
And stripping off makes a change from their usual game seeing who can go the slowest…’
Let It Snow
‘ANORAK the musical promises to be a fabulous show. Set in a local newspapers offices in the East Midlands, the show will make Annie look mawkish, Chess dull and Half A Sixpence dated.
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It never rains but it snows |
Everyone loves a good musical. But Snow!: The Musical was not a good show.
The Sun even calls the show naff, more drippy slush than crisp white snow.
On paper a camp Christmas comedy based around festive pop songs – I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day, Fairytale of New York and Last Christmas – could not fail.
But it did. The Sun says that earlier this week, the players performed their act before an audience of…two.
The show had to end. The curtains were drawn, hung and quartered. The fat lady had lost her voice from singing so hard.
And this means Hannah Spearitt, the skinny blonde one from former pop combo S Club who starred in Snow, is now looking for a job.
This is cruel. But we urge her to keep her chin up. As the legend has it: Theres no business like snow business…’
A Klass Act
‘WHEN we first heard of happy slapping the habit of smashing a stranger in the face and taking photos of the attack on a mobile phone we were in disbelief.
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Not a happy slapper |
How had such a teenage trend escaped the boffins who think up reality TV shows? Surely if ever there was a programme that demanded to be made it was Celebrity Happy Slap.
The show has yet to be piloted, and Anthea Turner has still to be approached about the presenters job, but the Sun says reality TV product Myleene Klass is auditioning.
The terrified singer has been the victim of a happy slap. Myleene was understandably shaken up when a gang of five slappers tipped a bag of chips over her head and then tried to take photos.
Or publicity stills, as they that know call them…’
The New Best Man
‘AS it was with Princess Di, so it is with George Best, whose bodiless head hangs on the front-page of the Sun..
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A crying shame |
Like Di, Best is the celebrity that will not go peacefully. And here he is, appearing as a ghostly warning to Paul Gascoigne to Get help now…or end up like Bestie. This is a WARNING TO GAZZA.
Its a similar thing on the cover of the Mirror, although with no picture of Best. Theres a looming shot of Paul Gascoigne, newly freed on bail from 14 hours in police custody on an allegation that he assaulted a photographer.
And heres the headline: IM NO BESTIE. Gazzas not wrong. Whereas Best only inflicted damage on his own liver, and latterly one borrowed from a donor, the allegation is that Gazza has wounded the face of one Steve Farrell.
The other key difference is that, as the Mirrors front-page shot reveals, Gazza is not Best yellow but red in the face.
But this is the tale of a former top footballer who likes a drink, and the temptation to draw parallels with Best is too great for the papers to ignore.
Although Gazza tells the Mirror, Im not like him [Best]. Ive got my alcoholism under control, the Mirror employs a sports writer to pen a piece entitled: TRAGIC ECHOES OF SAD GEORGE.
Not only has George Best – four Miss Worlds, lots of gongs and all but a State funeral been dubbed SAD, but
hes now been bracketed with Gazza, a man who married someone called Sheryl, whom he allegedly hit, has behaved like a buffoon and once cried on the pitch.
So heres Oliver Holt saying: It didnt take Paul Gascoigne too long to start playing catch-up with George Best.
And its worse in the Sun. Its awful to see someone suffering like George..Paul must end the drink binges, says Professor Roger Williams, George Bests surgeon.
Should Gazzas liver give up on him, perhaps the good professor would be so kind as to tell us of any similarities between the two organs.
And while were waiting for that, if Gazza could just grow a beard and feel up Terry Wogans knee, so much the better…’
The Brain Drain
‘WHERE is a mans brain located? Its the question that has worried scientific researchers at Syracuse University in the United States..
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Proof? |
And the answer is not the same for all men. Wayne Rooney, for instance, has his brains in his feet. Mike Tysons brains are in his fists. And as CCTV footage of pub brawls shows, some men are simply brainless.
But researchers have taken this thinking one stage further. They claim theres a direct relationship between a mans brain and his private parts.
Men have a choice: create lots of sperm or lots of brain cells but not both. To those men who opt for sperm production over brain matter, the Sun keeps the headline simple: IF YOURE DUMB YOU WILL BE WELL HUNG.
Even if the headline is not strictly true, it at least contains a rudimentary rhyme, which if repeated often enough should make sense to even the most challenged male mind.
Indeed, the headline might even be a clever pun. It recognises that the research was carried out on bats. The scientists studied 334 types of bat and noticed some startling things.
In bat species with promiscuous females well call them the chav bats males with large testicles and smaller brains stood the greatest chance of mating.
In monogamous bats well call them the Blairs the successful male bats had smaller testicles and larger brains.
As lead researcher Dr Scott Pitnick says, brains and testicles are metabolically expensive organs that energetically trade-off against one another.
Which is deeply fascinating isnt it? Isnt it? Are you listening? Hello…’
Salad Days
‘WE may never know what Wayne Rooney got up to with the brunette in the kitchen of an Altrincham nightspot..
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‘Does the lettuce come in black?’ |
All we know is that the omelette the pair made, or whatever it was they got up to, forms part of the rich fabric of the la vida Rooney.
As does the news in the Sun that Rooney has made it into the Football Rich List top 20.
Despite the best efforts of his girlfriend Coleen McLoughlin to spend it faster than her man can make it, Rooney is worth an estimated £8million.
How the football magazine that reported this news knows how much cash Rooney owns is not said. The Sun just gives us the apparent fact.
And then hears from the aforesaid Coleen. She tells us that Wayne loves lettuce.
On a day of revelations, this is surely the most sensational. And while we digest its importance, Coleen puts down her shopping bags long enough to tell all.
They all say Waynes a big fat person and eats burgers every day, which hes not, says Coleen. She continues: His favourite food is lettuce. He loves salad.
No wonder hes still rich. Salad is cheap, even if it is stuck between two pieces of bread and sat atop a huge steaming meat patty…’
The Queen’s Speech
‘THERE now follows an apology from the Queen..
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Carol and her thatch |
I apologise to the nation. I was tired and jet-lagged, but the toilet was too far away. I just did what came naturally to a camper.
Whats this? Since when did Her Majesty go camping? More to the point, since when did Queen Liz start going to the toilet? This is too, too much.
But dont worry. This is Queen Carol Thatcher, the so-called Queen of the Jungle, talking about her experiences on TVs Im A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here!
Thatch, who earned her nickname in an all-too-obvious way, is keen to apologise for her indiscretion in the celebrity camp.
And the Sun is keen to hear from the Queen Mum, the rusting Iron Lady. I watched the whole of the last episode, says Maggie Thatch, and am absolutely thrilled and very proud of my daughter. She has kept up the Thatcher tradition of winning.
And just as soon as Carols winner brother Mark has driven the Queen home, Maggie will doubtless tell her daughter to her face…’
Taking The Biscuit
‘IF the crime wont come to the police, the police will go to the crime.
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It was PC Plum’s turn to get the Wagon Wheels |
Never let it be said that our brave boys and girls in blue arent ready at a moments notice to speed to the scene of an incident.
There they go now, spotted by the Mirror on their way to ground zero. Motoring along in a police station.
Sgt Ted Bloodworth, of Bedfordshire Police, is in no little hurry as he makes his way along the A1 in Cambridgeshire. According to the speed camera, hes travelling in excess of the 40mph speed limit, which puts him foul of the law.
And puts his mobile police station – a van with a seating area and coffee-making facilities surely in the record books as the fastest cop shop in the land, if not the world.
And while Bloodworth explains himself (I was making a dash for emergency ginger snaps, mlud), the Mail spots some more of our finest making their way this way and that.
This lot are taking no chances. Enfield borough police might well have invested in 12 bikes to help its Community Support Officers patrol parks and the grass verges alongside the road, but theyve no safety kits.
With no cycling helmets, the cops arent allowed to go out on patrol. They must have the relevant equipment, lest they have an accident.
Only last year, as the paper says, Detective Constable James Mann, claimed £100,000 damages when he fell of his chair at work. And PC Lesley OShea sued the Met for £200,000 for injuries sustained by his slipping on a banana skin.
But now at least if one copper does trip over his feet, chaff his skin on his regulation woolly jumper or be laid low by a nasty paper cut, Sgt Bloodworth will be there in an instant, with a cup of tea, a jammy dodger and all sirens blaring…’
Signs Of The Times
‘CONTINUING our look at the tabloid rulebook, we turn to the Expresss cover and learn: NOW THE CROSS IS BANNED.
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Stop showing off, Jenkins |
That NOW places this front-page story squarely in a list of similar tales of how the fabric of British society is being undone.
But thats not the lesson. The story of how tearful Samantha Morris, 16, was sent home from Sinfin Community School in Derby for wearing a small gold cross around her neck is merely the wrapping.
Sam, whos studying for her GCSEs, even missed two days lessons after she refused to remove the item that caused so much offence to Howard Jones, the schools deputy head.
Should crucifixes be banned in schools? asks the Express, affording the chance for its readers to spend 25p to vote yes or no.
But before you snatch up the phone, know that the schools Sikh scholars are allowed to carry the kirpan, a small ceremonial dagger. They are also allowed to wear karas, metal bracelets.
Now listen to Mr Jones as he tells the Mail that allowing Sikhs to wear the aforesaid items is part of their religion. But Christianity does not require followers to wear a specific symbol.
He may well have a point. Today a small cross on a chain, tomorrow Christian pupils will be wearing huge crosses in the manner of pious pop stars and dragging massive wooden crosses on their shoulders as they shuffle along the corridor to geography.
But while this story is interesting, it ultimately fails. The rule of tabloid states that such a report must be illustrated by a member of the public, preferably an MP, mentioning the time-honoured phrase, Its political correctness gone mad.
But no. All we get in the Express is Tory MP and virginal Christian Ann Widdecombe calling the whole thing crazy. And Sams mum, Debra, saying its unfair.
Which leaves us no option but to gamely help out. Its nothing less than political correctness gone mad. Now, we can get on with our lives…’
I Want To Kiss The Groom
‘NOW that the Civil Partnership Act has come into force Elton John is free at last to marry his lover David Furnish.
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The groom and groom |
As the Express says, the popstar will tie the knot with his long-time boyfriend on December 21.
But where will they do the deed? Of course! There could be only one place. Its Windsor Guildhall – the very venue where Charles made an honest woman of Camilla.
Coincidentally, the wedding will be overseen by Claire Williams, who presided over Charless do. And like the Royal wedding, this will be an intimate affair with only the grooms, Eltons mother and stepfather and Furnishs family in attendance.
Queens wed at Windsor, says the Sun in shocking pink. It then goes on to say that Elton will achieve a notable first when he marries Furnish and so becomes the first Briton to marry a man having already married a woman he married Renata Blauel in 1984.
Although if you look at Camilla from a certain angle…’
Car Wars
‘AMAZING, we know, but the news is that Britney Spearss marriage to Kevin Federline is on the rocks.
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Rat fans |
Who would have ever predicted that the multi-millionaire singers relationship with the ferret-faced dancer who left his pregnant girlfriend to be with the star would falter?
But the world of showbusiness is a strange and magical place. And so it is that the Sun brings news that the pop tart has snubbed the money-grabbing loser.
The story begins as Britney kicks Kevin out of their Malibu home after he apparently let one his friends smoke dope in the house.
She then had the £100,000 Ferrari shed bought him towed away. And exchanged her diamond wedding ring for one showing a skull and crossbones.
And as the car slunk down the driveway, Britney hopped into a vehicle of her own and jetted off to the Billboard awards in Las Vegas.
What could Kevin do other than give chase? Like a small rodent scampering along a drainpipe he pursued Britney.
And when he caught up with her, he asked for her to get back with him. He then asked: Can I at least have my car back?
Britneys answer is not given, leaving us to guess what was said. Although it is unlikely to have been along the lines of Okay, honey.
Which leaves Britney seeking to annul their marriage. And alone in Las Vegas. Although, given her track record (remember her 55-hour marriage to Jason Alexander?), for how long..?’
Thou Shalt Not Pass
‘CONSIDERING that he was such a star in the 1960s and 1970s, its a wonder no-one threw a toilet roll at George Bests funeral car.
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Let him be |
Instead, there were flowers, tossed with all the accuracy of teenage ball boys as the car carrying the footballers body made its way to Belfasts Roselawn Cemetery.
Surprisingly, the body will not be buried on an island in the middle of a lake, as Princess Dianas was. Which means the grave is accessible to one and all, necessitating the presence of a security guard.
The Suns says the worry is that Bests fans will walk on the plot, damage neighbouring graves and mess with floral tributes.
Better, perhaps, the obsessed leave the burial site to the mans friends and relatives. And just wait for the TV biopic of Bests life to hit the screens.
As the Sun says, plans are already afoot to immortalise Best on celluloid, with Calum Best playing his father as younger man and James Nesbitt playing George in his later years.
Princess Diana will play herself…’
Di Back
‘YOU, see, the risk is that like Princess Diana, George Best will never be allowed to go away.
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Di looks to the heavenly sixth floor |
Having built up our heroes, we are loath to see them go. Whether this stems from a collective inability to grasp the concept of death or a fear that the lionised are irreplaceable, we cant be certain.
But even in death, we keep their names alive. Just look at the Expresss front-page headline: DIANAS DEATH THREAT.
A death threat against our Diana? Never! What hideous thing is this? Who could plot against our dear Princess of Hearts?
But hold on. Isnt she already dead, gone to the sixth floor at Harvey Nichols? Is some nefarious force at work that would see her die not once but twice?
This story stems from a report made by Simone Simmons, Dianas therapist. She says a politician warned Diana accidents can happen. That was three months before her death.
And this leads to the headline inside the paper: Diana knew she was going to die.
Not that she ever did. Her name and library of photos live on in the Express for all eternity…’
Little Things
‘TABLOID rule No. 352b: whenever possible all stories should be illustrated by a picture of a character from the infantile TV show Little Britain.
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Young taxpayers |
So on page 2 of the Sun, a report on the Governments plans to ban under-18s from buying cigarettes is accompanied by a shot of the aforesaid shows Vicky Pollard.
For those of you not au fait with this show think the Grumbleweeds meets Freddie Starr the Sun tells its readers that Vicky epitomises the trend that sees a quarter of all 16 and 17-year-olds smoke.
Pollard the character goes on to feature in the Suns cartoon. There she is standing before a Questions Time-style TV audience uttering her catchphrase: YEAH BUT NO BUT YEAH BUT… A man in a suit turns to his colleague and says: WE EXPECTED A FIERCE DEBATE ON THIS ONE.
Fierce? Perhaps. Sensible? No chance. The idea of raising the legal age for buying fags might smack of the actions of a nanny state, but surely such legislation would prevent some young teens taking up the habit – even the ones who want to look as cool as a cross-dressing TV comic dressed as an overweight chav.
But the Express sees only a smokescreen. This is all a cynical plan, says Deborah Arnott, director of ASH, the anti-smoking group. Its an attempt to divert attention from the Governments failed attempt to introduce a total ban on smoking in pubs.
The Mail says its a move savaged by critics. Labour MP Jeremy Corbyn says it seems like very odd timing. He goes on: They [the Government] seem to be tying to deflect attention away from the ludicrous partial ban but I have to tell them it will not work.
For sure. When it comes to stopping teenagers taking up the evil weed, few things do work – including Vicky Pollard…’
Finding Your Centre
‘FOR the last week or more your writers head has been poisoned by the sound of piped music.
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‘You wait for ages then two come along at once’ |
We know not from what Satanist BT acquired the music it plays its customers put on hold, only that if the tune were blasted into the Iraqi deserts, the insurgents would surely surrender within moments. Or else get increasingly irate, antagonised by the soft chirping of Beelzebubs theme music interspersed with reminders that Your call is important to us.
But no more. The Mail says there are ways to beat BT and its ilk. And in How to beat the call centre ordeal we learn how.
No, dont march up to the firms head office in person and demand to see the chief executive or else. Rather, get your hands on a so-called cheat kit.
Paul English, an American consumer activist, has discovered cheats for phone systems operated by some of the worlds corporations.
Humans want human contact, says the Bostonian. I just got increasingly frustrated about what companies are putting us though as consumers.
So all hail to Mr Englishs Interactive Voice Response Cheat Sheet. In THE ANSWER, the Sun hears English tell callers to Goldfish to press 0 # quickly three times when asked to key in details of their account.
For MBNA customers, the trick is to press * around ten times, pause then press 0. For DHL, press nothing. The machines will think you dont have a touch tone phone and put you through.
This is just great. But we voice our own words of caution. Being put through to a human is not all its cracked up to be.
Especially when you ask to speak with the supervisor and are put on hold…’
How To Die In The Mail
‘WARNING: READING THE DAILY MAIL MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO HEALTH.
Monday
Heavy smokers could be denied NHS treatment
50 babies a year are alive after abortion – So says a report by the Confidential Enquiry into Child Health.
Tuesday
The cannabis dependency service (how an expert in schizophrenia describes his job) –
Professor Peter Jones, of Cambridges Cameo Centre of newly-diagnosed mental illnesses, says 80 per cent of those suffering from first episode psychiatric disorders are either heavy users or dependent on cannabis
One in 10 toddlers plagued by psychiatric problems – Researcher Dr Adrian Angold finds the results of his study into the mental wellbeing of 300 children aged between two and five scary.
The Mail went undercover in a pub to discover the truth about Britain; new drink laws. We found a cynical drive for bar profits – and to hell with the consequences – Reporter Andre Thompson uncovers the cynical role the drinks industry plays in the modern plague of binge drinking
Tears of father whose wife died six days after she gave birth – Inquest hears how Jessica Palmer developed blood poisoning from an infection which was not spotted by her carers
Wednesday
Smaller children have lower intelligence – Researchers from Bristol University find that children with lower levels of the IGF-1 growth hormone are less intelligent than taller classmates
Drug claimants denied justice – Hundreds of Britons who claim the drug Vioxx brought on strokes and heart attacks are refused legal aid
Ministers smoking ban will cost 200 lives – Department of health research says failure to introduce a total ban on smoking in pubs means 200 smoking-related deaths a year
Thursday
Disphosphorate and fries Revealed, the chemical cocktail of ingredients the fast food firms dont declare on their menus
THE 007 SYNDROME Theyre ashamed of monogamy and think its normal to want sex with every woman they meet. Why controversial sex expert Shere Hite thinks mens lives are being ruined by a James Bond attitude to love
Friday
As the Gulf Stream that warms our shores falters IS BRITAIN ON THE BRINK OF A NEW ICE AGE the British go the same way as the woolly mammoth
NHS faces huge cuts to pay for £620m loss – patients face huge cutbacks to health service after the Government revealed the NHS could plunge into the red this year
Death-crash risk doubles for drivers on cannabis
The dieters destined for failure a persons hormones dictates whether they will diet successfully or not’
Joint Up Government
‘THERES safety in numbers. Thats why the papers love them. Here are some things we learned last week
2 Prince Harry spends £2 a week on the Lotto
22 Police pulled over and upbraided 22-month-old Oliver Smith for driving his toy car top speed 2.5pmh along the pavement
35 Patrick Deuel, the worlds fattest man, has lost 35 stone in less than year. He once weighed 76 stone
44 A YouGov survey said the average worked spends £44 a week on food, transport, clothing and other work-related expenses
86 The Amount of potato in a Burger King chip is 86 per cent
160 Frank Lampard made 160 consecutive appearances for Chelsea, a Premier League record
512 The number of joints that can be rolled from a 4oz block of cannabis resin, the amount Home Secretary Charles Clarke said you could carry for personal use
600 To protect witnesses who have received death threats, 600 cameras will watch the comings and goings in the court where Saddam Hussein is on trial
600 A survey of Canon technicians suggested that one third of Christmas work involved repairing broken glass on copiers that had been sat on
1,000 Kenneth Lee Boyd became the 1,000 person to be executed in the US since America reintroduced capital punishment 28 years ago
1,600 Lisa Nash, 20, of Hednesford, Staffs, was fined £150 with £1,498 costs for refusing to pay a £50 on-the-spot fine for throwing her cigarette butt on the pavement
40,000 Tonys eldest son, Euan Blair, has been hired by French billionaire Bernard Arnault on a two-month internship at Louis Vuitton Moet Hennessey. It was reported, Euan has been provided with a lifestyle package worth at least £40,000.
47,000 According to the accounts of Football Productions, David Beckham earned £47,000 a day last year
200,000 West Mercia police force paid American motivational guru Mary Gober £200,000 to teach 999 operators how to answer the phone (see Anorak Force Smile)
202,000 Los Angeles cabbie Haider Sediqi handed over jewels worth £202,000 left in his taxi. He received a reward of £6,000 and a bracelet
4,400,000 Daniel Betts, 20, claimed to have won £4.4million on the Lotto. His girlfriend quit her job. The couple were pictured celebrating in the local paper, and the £90-aweek barman from Langwith Junction, Notts, promised his dad a season ticket at Derby County. It was all a lie
6,000,000 David H Brooks spent £6million hiring 50 Cent, Tom Petty and Aerosmith for his daughter Elizabeths 12th birthday party
12,000,000 Hollywood Reporter magazine said Julia Roberts was the highest paid actress, earning £12million a movie
6billion Figures calculated from the Office for National Statistics said spending on second homes was now at £6bn a year’
Wrighting Rongs
‘IS it possible to understand what a paper is telling you without actually being able to read? Can you learn what the paper is saying by rote?
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The three Rs: Ruth, Rubbish and Reputation |
How much of a grasp on the English language do you need to read Phwoaar! Stunna! and GOTCHA!?
We only ask because the Sun is discussing how we learn to read in a piece entitled back to the old school.
Therein, the paper looks at four different ways schools teach children to read. Theres context support, in which a child learns to read from staring at a favourite book.
Language experience, damned for being the most trendy of teaching methods, allows children to use their own favourite words. Junior tells miss Mummy is mean, I want an iPod and I hate you. Teacher writes the words down. Junior reads them out.
Look and say teaches children to recognise words and whole sentences. Much like the Sun, this method uses flashcards. Miss holds aloft a shot of busty Nikki from Basildon. The class screams phwoahh. Another shot of Saucy Tina is met with a volley of babe. And a picture of any German has the kids strafing the classroom with imaginary guns and screaming: Achtung! Achtung!
But now that nice lad Ruth Kelly, the Education Secretary, says phonics is the way to teach English.
Phonics: The U-turn, announces the Mail, saying how Kelly wants every child to be familiar with the method by the age of five. Here, children are taught using something called the alphabet.
And something needs to be done. We havent done well enough, she told the BBC. Indeed, as the paper reminds us, a recent report by the education watchdog Ofsted found one in five children leave primary school unable to read properly.
Although how they find the door marked EXIT and PULL it open is anyones guess…’
