Boy Racer

‘“NAME?” demands the traffic cop. The yoof in his convertible says nothing. The engine of his red vehicle idles menacingly. He doesn’t budge.

To save the police from wasting any more of their valuable time, the Express chimes in. The boy racer goes by the name of Oliver Smith. He lives in Leyland, Lancashire. He’s aged 22 months. He has no previous convictions.

But every master criminal starts somewhere, and Smith has been nabbed driving along the pavement in his SUV, top speed 2.5mph. He’s bang to rights.

But while Oliver is ordered to produce his documents – he could be charged with driving without an MoT, tax and insurance – his accomplice, 70-year-old grandfather Derek, explains more.

Derek says he was “staggered” when the cop pulled over and admonished Oliver for breaking the law. “”I couldn’t believe my ears,” says he.

There’s a picture of Oliver in the Mail, sat in his beast of a car, unbowed by his run in with the law.

As the copper so rightly told him, the miniature vehicle could cause damage to a parked car or pedestrian. To say nothing of trees, snails and any other creature too slow or too scared to escape its path.

“Haven’t they got better things to be doing like catching proper criminals rather than wasting their time?” asks Derek.

We are saddened by Derek’s tone. Crime prevention lies at the very heart of good policing. Had Oliver not been upbraided and instructed in the laws of the land, who knows where his life might have ended up.

It’s a slippery slope. Today a toy car around the estate, tomorrow a ram raid into a conker tree…’

Posted: 2nd, December 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

The Weakest Act

‘WHEN the girlish Anne Robinson looked at the Welsh and asked “What are they for?” a nation looked to itself.

The proud country that gave the world Max Boyce, Neil Kinnock and Robbie Savage would prove to Robinson that they are anything but ‘irritating and annoying”.

Why, was not Lisa Scott Lee born in the northern Welsh town of St. Asaph? She’d go on Robinson’s The Weakest Link show and teach that patronising English grill-head a thing or two.

So there she was on the show. And the Sun was watching as Robinson greeted multi-talented singer-dancer-singer-dancer Lisa in her customary charmless fashion.

Robinson asked Lisa about her failed pop career – “When are you going to give up, Lisa?”

At which point Lisa began to cry. She couldn’t take it. She walked off. She then returned to bravely complete the stint on the show before, as a source tells the paper, bursting into tears again.

But Robinson’s point was not meant to hurt. It was surely a response to Lisa’s own vow that if her single Get It On failed to make the Top Ten, she’d quit. The single reached No.23, a number not between one and ten.

So will Lisa quit? If she’s promised to, for the sake of her honour, she must. She wouldn’t want Robinson to think the Welsh were all, well, welshers…’

Posted: 2nd, December 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Number’s Up For The Beast

‘IF Anne Robinson does ever venture into Wales, the locals could do worse then direct her to the village of Baglan, near Swansea.

As the Mail reports, the hunt is on for a mysterious beast that has already savaged sheep and a goat, and may just go for a small TV presenter.

And it does exist. The local police have performed DNA tests on hairs fond in a plaster cast of the creature’s footprint.

And Superintendent Chris Flier can now confirm that the beast is nothing less than a puma.

Flier wants his men to capture it and take it to a big cat sanctuary.

But how do you capture such a thing? A trap needs to be set. Bring in the bait. Robinson’s the weakest link in the plan, but if the cat is hungry enough, it might just work…’

Posted: 2nd, December 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Off Your Face

‘ACCORDING to the BBC, the American Academy of Dermatology has issued a warning against Botox parties, especially those involving alcohol.

That sounds sensible advice. Injecting botulinum toxin A – a diluted form of a food poison, which blocks nerve signals and causes paralysis – into your face sounds dangerous enough without the adapted turkey baster being wielded by some unqualified drunk.

This is our way of saying “DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME”. Cosmetic surgery is best left to the experts. So please do not be inspired to replicate the world’s first face transplant in the confines of your studio flat.

The Mail reports that doctors have given a women savaged by a dog a new nose, lips and chin.

Surgeons in the French town of Amiens replaced the central triangle of the patient’s face with tissue taken from a donor’s face – the donor was brain dead and kept alive long enough for her face to be removed.

At which point we must say that the patient will not now look like the donor. Bone structure plays a key part in dictating the shape of a person’s face and though the flesh is that of another, the form is not.

So buying, say, one of Michael Jackson’s old noses or the discarded features of some other star, and having them grafted into your own face will not necessarily make you look like your idol.

Oh, and the Sun would like any felons looking in to know that unlike the plot in the film Face/Off, you cannot yet swap faces with a crook. Once again, you have been warned.

And having delivered our health warning, we turn to the Sun and over five graphics learn how the operation was done.

It is at once astounding, grotesque and awe-inspiring to know that such a procedure can now be performed – although not by you…’

Posted: 1st, December 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Murder Burger

‘NOW, what’ll it be? You fancy the Lard In A Bun but are a little worried that it’ll will be the last thing you ever eat. The jumbo fat chips are tempting. So too the King Kebab, a dish so greasy it can be slid from moth to stomach whole.

Better perhaps to go for the healthy option. But what’s this? The Sun has seen a report by Which?, the consumer association, that found salads to be full of salt and fat.

Of all the meals tested in Kentucky Fried Chicken and McDonald’s by the brave men and women of Which?, the three meal with the most salt were salads.

Apparently, KFC’s Original Chicken Salad contained more salt per portion than a Chicken Fillet and fries. A McDonald’s Crispy Chicken Ranch salad (do Ronald’s chickens really live on a ranch?) was laced with 11.1g of saturated fat per portion, more than half the 20g a day women are advised to eat.

But before you scoff, and get ready to order that burger and fries, the Mail has more news. It too has seen the report, and notes that the Burger King’s chips contain 86 per cent potatoes.

The remainder is not so much a delicious blend of herbs and spices as a concoction of dextrose and hydrogenated vegetable oil.

And that cheese slice that sits so meltingly atop your McDonald’s burger? It’s composite blend of 13 ingredients, including delicious trisodium sulphate, scrumptious diphosphates, yummy sorbic acid and a lipsmacking “mysterious item” called cheese flavouring.

So what’ll it be? Good choice, sir. We’d stick to eating the box it comes in, too…’

Posted: 1st, December 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

The Wedding List

‘HAVING invited Davy-vid and Victoria Beckham to his wedding to Katie Holmes, Tom Cruise can surely expect a decent gift from the footballer who the Suns says earned £47,500 a day last year.

But in case Dayve is stumped for an idea as to what to buy the groom Cruise has produced a wedding list.

Yes, we know. There is something crass in sending out an invitation to your friends and family wrapped around a list of your demands. If a child were to do this for their birthday, you’d think them greedy, spoilt and hard to like. But such is the way of these things that wedding lists are de rigueur.

But what’s on the list? What do you get Tom and Katie?

The Sun has seen the list and tells us that the deliriously happy couple are in need of a gravy boat, wine glasses, a dinner service and a coffee pot.

And you can get these and more at the Beverly Hills branch of Nieman Marcus, or Needless Markup as Anorak’s American office know it by…’

Posted: 1st, December 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Starter Homes

‘YESTERDAY we introduced you to Saffron Drewitt-Barlow (see Anorak “Daddy’s Girl”), “THE MOST SPOILT KIDS IN BRITIAN”.

We then pointed out that what is spoilt to the British is the norm to our American cousins. What our Armani and Jake demand, Brad and Harley expect.

And today the Express brings us the ultimate Wendy House. It costs £40,000 and, as the paper says, is “taking rich American families by storm”.

These starter homes feature flat-screen TVs, plumbing, fitted carpets, wooden floors, telephones, dinning tables and driveways on which your precious little bundle of taffeta and diamonds can park her miniature pink Corvette.

The house, 8ft high and 10ft wide, comes in a range of themes. The Hawaiian-themed tropical tree house comes with bamboo flooring, hardwood windows, thatched roof and an outdoor hammock.

Young ski bums can hang out in a chalet. The Jack and Jill playhouse has a video games machine and a fountain. The beachside drive-in features a film screen, theatre, loft and popcorn maker.

These houses are just great. But hold on a moment! This will never do. We’ve looked but we can’t see the maid’s quarters anywhere…’

Posted: 1st, December 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Force Smile

‘“HELLO, police. What seems to be the problem?” says the cheery voice on the end of your call to the emergency services.

“My house is being burgled. I’m terrified,” gushes the caller.

“Try not to worry madam. We stock a full range of goods and services and can replace any lost or damaged items. Did you keep your receipts and take out any additional in-store insurance cover?”

Such a conversation has yet to happen. But it might. As the Mail reports, the West Mercia Police Force has just recruited Mary Gober, the motivational guru who has worked for Marks & Spencer.

Nicknamed Mrs Motivator, American Gober has been employed for a fee of £200,000 to devise a training scheme which will invigorate they who handle 999 calls and general switchboard enquiries.

Gober will encourage the men and women who spend their lives sat in neon-lit rooms to “think outside the box”.

Predictably, the force has been accused of wasting taxpayers’ money. Paul Keetch, Liberal Democrat MP for Hereford, wants to know why a trainer wasn’t brought in for much less from another part of the force.

The Mail says that for Gober’s fee, the area could have employed another four officers on the beat.

But Gober got the call after the job was put out to tender. As a police spokesman explains: “By taking a can-do approach rather than using negative words, we feel we can help to put the caller at ease”.

“Put a smile in your voice,” says Gober. “”Everything I do or say is either a service or a disservice to another person.”

Sounds great in theory. But let’s find out if it works in practice. Let’s dial and see. “Hello, caller,” comes the chirpy voice.

“Help! I’m under attack. My life is in jeopardy. They’re coming in through the windows. Come quick. Help!”

“Your call is very important to us. You are held in a gently meandering queue. Try not worry. Think of a green field and lying by a smooth sun-dappled pond… Your call is very important to us…”’

Posted: 30th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Daddys’ Girl

‘SEE dad changing little Armani’s nappy. Look on as he catches up with some other young dads over a mid-morning coffee. Watch dad as he pops a few Valium as he sits slumped in front of Richard & Judy and wonders how a life that promised so much came to so much drudgery.

That’s the image of the modern dad. But it’s just not true. “Why today’s new father is a myth,” says the Mail. “He gives less time to his children than the men of 40 years ago.”

And this is no mere guesswork. The paper has research to back up its headline, looking to work carried out by the Institute of Education at London University.

Research says that “new dad” is a fantasy. And the richer you are the less time dad has for you. Dads in professional and managerial jobs are less likely to share the burden to raising the children equally with mum than fathers in low-skilled work.

But who needs time? Better jobs mean more money. Dad’s wage packet might not buy her love, but little Armani will at least be able to muddle by with her new pony, her life-sized dolls house and robotic pet dog.

Get a load of Saffron and Aspen Drewitt-Barlow, the pair the Star labels: “THE MOST SPOILT KIDS IN BRITIAN.”

Not only do they have two surnames, but Saffron and Aspen also have two dads, Barrie and Tony who adopted the children five years ago.

In those five years, dad and dad have been showing just how much they love their little darlings by showering them with a torrential downpour of gifts.

The Mail (“Spoilt little Saffron”) pictures the child sat on a bed surrounded by a few of her myriad possessions.

Saffron has a collection of Chloe, Gucci and Versace outfits worth at least £40,000. Saffron has £10,000 worth of designer handbags, 150 pairs of shoes, two diamond necklaces – one cost £6,000 – and a pink diamond. Saffron has everything Saffron wants.

“Any time she wants a Louis Vuitton handbag, I buy it for her,” says Barrie.

That’s just delightful. And we’re sure Saffron appreciates every new present she gets.

Just as much as her dads do…’

Posted: 30th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Star Of Wonder

‘OF course what is spoilt to the British is every day to our American cousins. What our Armani and Jake children demand, Brad and Harley expect.

And over in the Star we learn what Britney’s young son Sean Preston is getting for Christmas.

According to the paper, the young pup’s room has been turned into a nativity scene.

Sean’s room now boasts waxwork models of the Angel Gabriel, Three Wise Men and Mary and Joseph.

There are several lifesize donkeys and cattle. And there’s a cherrywood manger for the messianic Sean to rest his weary head in.

Says a source: “It cost an absolute fortune. But at least she didn’t have to buy a baby Jesus – because Sean’s is playing the part.”

And with mum the star and dad Kevin the nativity ferret…’

Posted: 30th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Peter Out

‘FORGET births, marriages and death, the showbiz world is interested in only one society column: splits.

Today’s first announcement concerns Kate Moss and Pete Doherty. The Sun says that Moss has promised to never see Doherty again.

Earlier, we had reported that Doherty had followed in Moss’s kitten heels and signed up for a four-week stint in Arizona’s The Meadows clinic.

But after just a week of cold turkey, Doherty stuffed it and flew back home. And so long as Pete is not off drugs, a clean Moss will not see him.

But that is not all. In announcement No. 2, the Sun says that after nanoseconds of speculation and intrigue, Kerry Katona and Dave Cunningham have split – for good.

Dave has packed his things into a bag and left Kerry’s Warrington home. Kerry’s mate says she’s devastated.

Dave tells a friend: “When we’re together all we seem to do is argue.”

Max Clifford, Kerry’s agent, says: “But the good news is Kerry has passed her driving test today and she’s thrilled.”

Which is good news to us, and the West Mercia police force…’

Posted: 30th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Little Hope

‘IMAGINE a world where Freddie and the Dreamers have an airport in Liverpool named after them, where Willie Morgan and Gordon Hill are revered as Manchester United’s greatest-ever wingers, and where the Goodies and the Krankies are regarded as the gold standard of British comedy.

Ridiculous, you say. That sort of thing could never happen. In which case, how do you explain the inexorable rise of Little Britain?

Of course there’s nothing wrong with being a heavily diluted tenth-rate imitation of other comedy programmes – the Goodies had a successful career as an infants’ version of Monty Python, and the BBC’s new baby Broken News looks like doing the same with its playground version of The Day Today.

In between, there have been dozens of pale imitations and hopeless pretenders, all of whom have been taken to the nation’s heart in the manner of an Eddie the Eagle-style no-hoper.

The important thing is that they had a go, and that’s what we admire.

But surely the Little Britain mania has got a bit out of hand. Today’s papers all feature pictures of LB stars Matt Lucas and David Walliams switching on the Christmas lights at Stella McCartney’s shop, accompanied by the popular American singing artiste Madonna Ritchie.

For the Mirror’s “3am girls”, this means just one thing – not that Stella McCartney and Madonna are reduced to hanging about with TV comedians, but that the Little Britain boys are “officially really, really famous”.

And the 3am girls should know, for they are the arbiters in these matters.

Madonna, the queen of the modern celebrity culture, seems surprisingly happy to play second fiddle to the daffy duo. She is pictured standing respectfully to the side of David and Matt, who are dressed in character as wheelchair-bound Lou and his carer Andy. In another picture she throws back her exquisitely coiffeured locks and roars with delight.

On the other hand, maybe she is screaming for help.

An “onlooker” sets us straight. “It was hilarious,” says the unnamed source. “Stella was in stitches and Madonna was nearly doubled over with laughter. She thinks the boys are hysterical.”

Guess you really had to be there. Well, that’s what they told Madonna.’

Posted: 29th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Nice One, Son

‘WHEN you are graciously ordered to a top PR event, there are certain things you just don’t do. Such as using it as an opportunity to drink large amounts of your host’s champagne and insult the celebrities.

For example, you wouldn’t attend the aforementioned light-switching ceremony at Stella McCartney’s shop and then ask Stella if she owes her exalted position in the celebrity firmament to the fact that she is Paul McCartney’s daughter.

(Note to younger readers: he was in a group a bit like Freddie and the Dreamers, and became famous later when he married a celebrity model.)

Yet that’s what happened at the Bafta Children’s Awards, where Euan Blair presented one of the prizes.

The Mirror’s coverage is mostly concerned with the young man’s hair-do, which it compares to the ill-advised mop that his father sported during his Ugly Rumours days at Oxford “Uni”.

Anorak readers, however, will be more interested in the exchange that is reported at the end of the piece.

“Asked if he was chosen simply because he was the Premier’s son, a Bafta spokeswoman replied: ‘Yes.’”

No mention of Euan’s role as a victim of crime or a champion of good causes. Just a simple “yes”.

We welcome such candidness. But our pleasure was undermined by the picture of young Blair, who seems to be aping his father’s youthful rebelliousness by wearing his top button undone and his tie at half-mast.

Fashion is one thing; scruffiness of any kind is inexcusable.’

Posted: 29th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Tell It To The Marines

‘“IN THE LINE OF DUTY,” announces The Sun, as it reveals “another secretly-shot Royal Marines video”.

Yes, it’s exclusive on-set pictures from Ross Kemp’s new ITV drama, in which he plays a short, fat middle-aged man with a disability that means he has to whisper instead of talking normally.

Despite these drawbacks, he is actually really tough, and so he gets into the Marines, where he becomes a hero. But although he is a hero, he is also very sensitive, and he has a secret – he is a victim of domestic violence.

In shocking scenes that are sure to provoke massive controversy, he is STRIPPED NAKED, URINATED ON and KICKED IN THE NUTS by his mad wife who is obsessed with PAEDOPHILES.

Only kidding. The Sun’s story is actually a compassionate and very serious report about initiation ceremonies at a military base in Taunton.

The allegations will surprise no one (“WRESTLING each other naked… JUMPING head first into bushes”) and they make predictably depressing reading.

As if that isn’t bad enough, we are told that recruits are also made to “SLIDE down a muddy hill, EAT Weetabix covered in dirt and SINK pints of milk until they are sick”.

It sounds all too believable. Indeed, it sounds like the sort of thing that many young Britons do for a laugh on holiday, and we agree that it’s nothing to be proud of.

Unfortunately, the days when apprentices had their penis stuck in bottles and their scrotum covered in boot polish are long gone. And the military, like everyone else has to move with the times.

It’s a shame that they have to make do with harmless drinking games and mud-sliding. Army chiefs will be the first to say that they miss the days when a man’s privates could be rubbed raw with a scrubbing brush and a bucket of industrial detergent.

But what can they do? Their hands are tied with red tape (metaphorically, we hasten to add) and until they are free to run things properly, we can expect more of these shameful revelations.’

Posted: 29th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

All Present And Corrected

‘LONG gone are the days when all you wanted for Christmas were your two front teeth. What good are new gnashers without new lips, a new nose and some cheekbone implants to set them off?

Happily, you need not suffer. This Christmas don’t just get that special person in your life a copy of Cosmetic Surgery for Dummies, but treat them to the full makeover courtesy of Dr Stephen Greenberg.

As the Mail reports (“How to look like a million dollars this Christmas”), the New York plastic surgeon is offering a full top-to-toe “remake” for £580,000.

Imagine the look on your saggy, lined face when you realise that you’re off to the Big Apple for a three-month refit, including recuperation in a five-star hotel, 24-hour nursing and an image consultant.

And don’t worry about people gawping at you with unbridled envy writ large in their baggy eyes because you’ll also have your very own chauffeur to whisk you about town.

“It is the ultimate package,” says Dr Greenburg. “We will remake you from head to toe and you will recover in style.”

You might also recover in pain. But surely it will be worth it as you show off the new you to friends and family back home.

The only danger is that you will become used to such generosity and expect similarly extravagant gifts in Christmases to come.

But worry ye not. That face lift should make it so that whatever you get – be it a sock or a mouldy apple – you will look totally surprised and permanently delighted…’

Posted: 28th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Second & Third Best

‘HOW the papers must miss George Best. On slow news days, Best was always a story the press could trot out.

If Best had a drink, it was news. If Best didn’t have a drink, it was big news. If Best had a drink then regretted it, it was front-page news.

But even with Best now gone to that early bath in the sky, the Mirror can’t resist taking another look at the former footballer. And the news is that he had two secret daughters.

Gina DeVivo, an ex-mo-del with whom George had an affair in 2003, says Best told her about his “SECRET KIDS”.

I asked George how many children he had and he told me three – two girls and a boy – but was extremely sad that he was only in contact with his son Calum,” says the blonde.

Phil Hughes, Best’s agent, has also revealed that the footballer sired a child 36 year ago but was never allowed to meet her.

As Hughes explains: “He [Best] wouldn’t want to do anything that would upset the girl, her mother and her husband.”

Very noble, we’re sure. But we can only suppose that right now the Mirror, or some other organ, is bringing to bear its full investigative might on the hunt for Best’s estranged children.

Who are they? Where do they live? Could they have inherited their father’s ball skills and showmanship and be a famous sportswoman or entertainer? Thirty-six years ago, the world saw the arrival of Steffi Graf and Catherine Zeta-Jones.

We may never know who Best’s other children are. But if you see a bearded woman in a bar, juggling a ball on her foot, do tell us…’

Posted: 28th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Christmas Davy

‘ARE you going with Lord Chinless Wonder to the Queen’s Christmas do at Sandringham?

You are! Good show. See you there. We look forward to talking politics somewhere to the right of the fish knife, and watching Her Majesty’s postprandial speech to the masses in the flesh, delivered as ever stark naked from the waist down for her guests amusement.

But not everyone will be happy. The Sun says that while Prince William’s girlfriend Kate Middleton has been invited, Prince Harry’s lover has not.

This, as the paper says, is a “snub” to Chelsy Davy. The blonde has been “ignored.”

Although, as the paper says, Chelsy has been accepted by Prince Charles, sharing a “hello” kiss with her lover’s dad, she has yet to meet granny. But young Kate is believed to have met Her Majesty “several times.”

But at least Harry will be getting together with Chelsy when the couple spend New Year together on Bazaruto, an island off the Mozambique cost.

There, Harry will be able to show Chelsy what she missed at the royals’ Christmas knees up, such as those rousing games of pin the tail on the Eddie, how there was no crown inside Charles’s cracker and those endless charades…’

Posted: 28th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

How To Die In The Mail

‘WARNING: READING THE DAILY MAIL MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO HEALTH.

Monday

“How mums can pass on stress to children”

“Dentists could dump 8 million NHS patients”

Tuesday

“Like thousands of others, Sally was seduced by the promise of cheap cosmetic surgery in the sun. It left her hideously scarred, in agonising pain – and facing endless operations by British doctors battling to reverse the damage” – Sally Preston, 32, had liposuction in Thailand and lost the feeling in both her legs

“I was a rising tennis star when arthritis struck me down at 17. Now I’ve had nearly every joint in by body replaced.” So says Alice Peterson

“It steals your sight, your speech, your dignity. Why I’m waging war on the merciless brain disease that killed my mother” – Seb Coe fights Progressive Supranuclear Palsy

“Fear of bird flu hits routine jabs” – Panic over bird flu is leading to a run on flu vaccines

Wednesday

“However would they cope if bird flu hit?” “Disastrously”, says Geoffrey Lean of the Government’s plans to combat the pandemic

“Street where drink-fuelled violence may now get worse” – The Mail looks at Nottingham “a city that already epitomises the dangers of a drinking culture rapidly spiralling out of control”

“How your cholesterol can soar when you feel stress”

Thursday

“Stress in pregnancy ‘lowers a child’s IQ’”

“Today 70,000 pubs, clubs and bars – far more than Labour predicted – can open longer despite dire last-minute warnings from police, doctors and judges”

Friday

“Teenagers are ignoring ‘safe sex’ warning”

“STARVATION ON ICE – They look so cuddly but these polar bars are starving, victims of freak weather that’s cut them off from their hunting grounds”

“Killed by toxic shock, the woman trying for IVF baby” – Nicola Ward, 34, was killed by toxic shock. Although an inquest found the cause of the “infection would never be known, husband Mark is “convinced” his wife’s IVF treatment was to blame

“Why I’ve changed my mind about cannabis. Gun crime. Ruined lives. Mental illness. In this extraordinary confession Diane Abbott reveals why she no longer has ‘relaxed attitude’ about marijuana

“Animals disease threat to people ‘will get worse’” – Dr Andrew Cunningham, of the Zoological Society of London, says more and more illnesses are passing to Man from other species’

Posted: 26th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Kitchen Confidential

‘THERE’S safety in numbers. That’s why the papers love them. Here are some things we learned last week…

2 – Professor Tim Kuskly of St Louis University says the ocean is reclaiming New Orleans at a rate of two acres an hour

5- A village council in Sultanwala, Pakistan has ruled that five women, all cousins, who refused to honour childhood “marriages” should be abducted, raped or killed

6 – Wayne Rooney spent 6 minutes and 22 seconds in a clandestine meeting with 20-year-old brunette Emily Fountain (Sun)

6- The National Transport Safety Board said one in six truckers suffers from obstructive sleep apnoea, which could make them nod off at the wheel

8 – 700 hundred years ago the average London drank eight pints of beer a day

12 – After 12 years in business, Prince Eddie’s Ardent Productions is to be dissolved

18 – Middlesbrough player Abel Xavier was banned from football for 18 months for failing a drugs test

22 – A study found parents spend £22 a day on raising their children from birth to 21

30 – Samantha Holt, aged 10, has been suspended from school 30 times

40 – Scientists at Uppsala University, the Swedish university of Agricultural Sciences and the Norwegian University of Life Sciences found that the difference between a wolf and a farm dog could come down to as little as 40 genes

98 – A roadside bomb brought the tally of British soldiers killed in Iraq to 98

109 – Alfred Anderson, the last British veteran of the famous 1914 Christmas truce – when German and British troops climbed from their trenches to share cigarettes and play football during the First World War – died

475 – Prince Charles spent £475 on a “Victorian throne seat” toilet after his previous one at Clarence House cracked

1,070 – The RAC’s online route-fining service was directing motorists from the East Midlands to Devon via 1,070 mile trip taking in the Irish Republic and western France

3,500 – Tony and Cherie Blair will send 3,500 Christmas cards – with five variable inserts so no religion if offended

20,000 – Benefits claimant, and dad-of-ten, Mark Corby spent £20,000 of taxpayers’ cash on decoration for the outside for his four-bed semi in Exeter. The show features an illuminated Santa and train on the roof, two 4ft Santas with sleighs, a Santa climbing a ladder, a 4ft Santa with a reindeer, a 3ft snowman, two 4ft shining starts, four trees filled with fairy lights, lights all over the roof and fake frost on the eaves and windows.

320,000 – The House of Commons ran up a £320,000 deficit for its guided tours for

360,000 – The Ministry of Defence spent £360,000 on 139 plasma screens for its revamped London HQ

1,200,000 – Kate Moss scores £1.2million modelling contract with Virgin Mobile

1,400,000 – Britain is Europe’s biggest importer of illegally-logged timber. According to the World Wildlife Fund, the world loses 1.4 million acres of forest a year

1,500,000 – 130 guests , including Sharon Stone, Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz saw Christina Aguilera marry music executive Jordan Bratman

6,000,000 – Elton John turned down £6million to have his wedding to David Furnish filmed for TV

23,000,000 – Daniel Radcliff, aka Harry Potter, has racked up a personal fortune of £23m

40,000,000 – The number of people living with HIV worldwide has exceeded 40m for the for the first time, according to the Aids Epidemic Update 2005′

Posted: 26th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

No Half Measures

‘BRITONS today do not do things by halves.

When we take cocaine, we become the “Cocaine capital of Europe”. As the Mail reports, something called the European Monitoring Centre for Drugs And Drug Addiction says the UK, along with Spain, has the highest levels of cocaine use.

Although with Kate Moss now clean, and her lover Pete Doherty in rehab, we may slip back to No. 2 in the pecking order. But, for now at least, we are No. 1.

And then there’s George Best. He didn’t do things in small measures, and neither do the papers when talking of the legendary footballer and renowned boozer.

The Sun devotes its front and back pages to the man who lies on the “brink of death”. And both it (“Simply the Best”) and the Mirror have produced lengthy specials on him.

It must be noted that at the time of going to press, Best was still alive. And we can only imagine the public emoting and ululating that will take place should Best do as feared and pass away soon.

But at least whenever the whistle blows on Best the nation can toast the passing of a sporting great in a pub. No need to worry about the landlord’s cry of “Time, gentlemen please” pricking the respectful silence for our George.

Of course, what with this being the UK, we won’t have one drink to remember Best, but a debauched bout of bingeing.

We’ll all just carry on from Thursday, when the new licensing laws came into force and we locked up our homes, bid our children a teary and fond farewell and moved into the nearest pub.

Surprisingly, the Sun didn’t post one of its hacks in some city centre drinking hole to see if a punter could actually spend 24 hours in pub, or, indeed, set up permanent residency in one.

Instead, the paper just says “BOOZINESS AS USUAL”, saying how “little of the predicted mayhem occurred”, but warning that the real test for the emergency services will come over the weekend.

But your view of it all depends what you’re looking at. Is the glass half full, half empty or being brandished in your face by a drunken thug?

While the Sun sees a shopper benignly stocking up on “tipples” in a supermarket at 1:40am, and the Mirror spots a trio of laddish students merrily chinning bottles of hooch in Newcastle, the Mail clacks its marmalade-coated tongue and asks: “Just a quiet night on our streets, was it?”

There then follow pictures of drunken behaviour: yobs being thrown from a Bristol nightclub; bouncers giving chase to said yobs; a drinker confronting police in Nottingham; and a jelly-legged yoof sinking to his knees in Cardiff.

And, what with this being the Mail, there are a few snaps of young women showing once again that the warming effects of alcohol mean you can wear surprisingly little as you cavort in the streets of Plymouth.

As we say, it’s all so excessive. And so very British…’

Posted: 25th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

The Pink Pound

‘ARE you gay? If you are, can you please pop down to the offices of Teignbridge District Council, Devon, and show them what you look like.

Try not to be offended if the burghers take body measurements, question your musical tastes and ask which of the characters in TV’s Desperate Housewives you most empathise with.

It’s just that the good man and women of that borough have no idea what a homosexual looks like. As the Mail says, they’ve been looking for one for the past three years, spending £3,000 on the hunt.

The plan was for a market research company to track down minority groups living in the region and check if they had equality to local services.

But no gays were found. The Mail fails to say whether or not the council spotted member of other niche groups, and the fear is that the likes of Samantha Davis Junior, the area’s only one-eyed, black, Jewish lesbian, could still be awaiting classification.

So please, if you are gay, head down to Teignbridge and show the council and the area’s 120,000 residents what you look like.

And if they stare, try not to be afraid. They know no better…’

Posted: 25th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Could It Be Tragic?

‘GREAT news for Thatters, Takers and Jason Orange – Take That are to reunite.

“WANT YOU BACK FOR LOOT,” says the Sun, as it reports that Mark Owen, Gary Barlow, Howard Donald and the aforesaid Orange will be paid £1.5 million each to perform before thousands of young mums.

But what will fans see? The tour will coincide with the ten-year anniversary of the band’s split, and the years have not always been kind.

As the Sun says, Orange, who has “done loads of travelling”, has forgotten all his dance routines, Barlow refuses to dance at all, Donald has washed his hair and Owen looks less like a boyish heartthrob and more like a shrivelled jockey without a horse.

And then there are only four of them. Robbie Williams will not be appearing on the tour.

The danger is that the show will be less than great. Mums keen to show their young daughters just how great Take That were run the risk of being seen as sad old squares by their offspring.

“Everything changes but you,” sing the band – as Orange dances like your dad and the crowd goes as wild as their prescription medicines allow…’

Posted: 25th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Browned Off

‘AS shocks go the news that Simon Cowell is vain ranks right up there with “Jordan – they’re falsies”, “Ulrika Jonsson sleeps with celeb” and “Posh wears clothes”.

But there is the news in the Mirror, as the paper relays the opinions of one Louis Walsh, Cowell’s fellow host on TV’s X Factor talent show.

Earlier in the week, Louis went off the programme in a huff after Simon Cowell called him an “idiot” and “bland”, and fellow judge Sharon Osbourne splashed him with three glasses of water for comments he made about her husband Ozzy.

Now Walsh is preparing to return to the show. But before he does, he wants to snipe a little. “I think Simon’s very vain,” says Walsh. “He wears platform shoes, has spray tans, wears make-up and dyes his hair, all in an attempt to look younger.”

What’s more, “Simon also likes to do press ups before he goes on set.”

It’s noting less than a sensation. And Walsh would be well advised to hold his tongue and save any other revelations he may have for a book or a TV expose with Martin Bashir.

We can’t wait to hear what else Walsh has to say.

And wonder if there’s any truth in the suspicions that Sharon Osbourne is as talented as cheese and Westlife, the band Walsh inflicted upon the world, really are the musical equivalent of piles…’

Posted: 25th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Terror In The Classroom

‘WHAT with Jordan’s wedding, a dead parrot and Wayne Rooney in the kitchen, the War On Terror has been forced to take a back seat of late.

But now it’s back. “WAR ON TERROR,” says the Sun’s headline, “Samantha, 10, banned from school 30 times.”

Surely this is some mistake. Samantha sounds like a domestic name for a girl. What happened to manly Osama and Omar? Has the war on terror taken a sinister new turn, now embracing beardless young girls in its bloody claws?

Worse still, this war on terror is taking place not in far away Iraq, Afghanistan or Tipton, but at Siskin Junior School, Rowner, Hampshire.

This sounds dangerously close. Not for no reason is the story all over the Mirror’s front-page. “A TINY TERROR,” announces the paper, the words hanging like a bloody stain above a shot of blonde Samantha Holt.

Such a nefarious presence is young Holt that the aforesaid school has already suspended her 30 times.

But before we hear of her crimes, the Mirror has a few words with her mum, hairdresser Tracy Holt. “I don’t have time to be strict,” says Tracy. Mum says that while little Samantha is at school, she is the responsibility of the teachers. It’s a case of out of sight, out of mind, and, er, out of school.

But what of Samantha’s heinous crimes? How did she become embroiled in the global war on terror?

Though weapons of mass destruction have yet to be found in Samantha’s school bag, the Mail says she did once brandish a pair of scissors in a threatening manner.

Wars have indeed been fought over less. And when we learn that Samantha has behaved aggressively, climbed the gym bars and refused to get down, sworn at a teacher when asked to put her pencil down and climbed through a classroom window, we realise the full menace of this young demon.

But what to do. Tracy tells the Mail that suspending Samantha only makes things worse. “She sees not going to school as a treat. She hates school, so for her it is not a punishment at all.”

The solution seems clear. If Samantha’s not at school then it is most likely she’s at home. Call in the bombers. An insurgent’s home must be destroyed. This is war…’

Posted: 24th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

No Defence

‘THE revolution may not be televised, but the war in Iraq is. And if you work at the Ministry of Defence, you can watch the fighting on a shiny new plasma screen.

The Sun says that while our brave boys and girls are in the dunes of Iraq and the mountains of Afghanistan, their bosses are monitoring their progress on 139 state-of-the-art tellies, costing £2,600 each.

Sure, the wide-screen pictures will give staff at the MoD’s Main Building opposite Downing Street the bigger picture but some people think it’s a waste of money.

Liberal Democrat MP Norman Lamb, who saw the screens and asked about their cost, is dismayed. “One civil servant even told me the TVs were fantastic for watching the test match on,” says he.

This might sound terribly fanciful, but we must remind readers that England’s cricketers are currently taking on Pakistan in Faisalabad, and the men in khaki suits are now well placed to study the goings on and spot any miscreants in the crowd.

But still Lamb is not happy. And these new tellies do seem a tad excessive when, as the Suns says, squaddies are forced to pay up to £1,000 of their own cash to buy boots and sleeping bags.

Not so, says the MoD’s spokesman. “These televisions provide the 3,100 military and civilian staff with global news updates, operational briefings and presentations.”

The TVs offer a vital view on the world – whether it be of the deserts of Iraq, the fields of Pakistan or the celebrity-infested jungles of Australia…’

Posted: 24th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment