Wanted: Dead Or Alive

‘FORGET the pigeons. Turn your sights from Omar Bakri. And know that the hunt is on for the chipmunks. They’re out there somewhere. And they must be caught.

As the Mail reports (“Find the chipmunks!”), a shadowy group of Siberian chipmunks has escaped from an enclosure at Wellington Country Park, near Reading.

We urge you to be on the look out for these creatures. According to the Department for Environment, Food And Rural Affairs, the striped critters are 8in long, including a 4in tail.

Indeed, they would make a lovely pair of gloves or a warmer for a child’s milk bottle. But before they can be put to good use, they must be apprehended.

Although they are pretty harmless to people, the chipmunks are big enough and mean enough to do down our native bank voles and wood mice, taking their rivals’ food.

What’s more, they are known to take chicks and eggs from birds’ nests.

That’s awful. Although, given the threat posed by birds, this might be no bad thing…’

Posted: 24th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

A Knock Out Blow

‘JUST time to tell you that Chris Eubank, the boxther with the idiosyncratic take on the English language, has been declared a bankrupt.

There’s Chwith in the Mirror, out and about in London. That’s him taking a cab 300 metres between Harvey Nichols and Harrods.

Choosing not to attend the two-minute hearing at the High Court – where it was revealed that the former champion owed the taxman £1.3 million – Chwith went out. When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.

And so it is we see a picture of Chwith in Knightsbridge, dressed in his riding boots, jodhpurs and clutching a manly and not-at-all effeminate manbag to his body.

“I’ve made some mistakes,” says the man. And he’s not joking. We refer your honour to said bag…’

Posted: 24th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Lou Rolls

‘IN our new TV show, we get to vote for which reality TV show judge we want to see humiliated in public.

First up is Louis Walsh. He’s the man who gave every wannabe singer hope when he founded Westlife, a band more middle of the road than a dead hedgehog.

And there goes Louis. He’s just walked off the set of TV’s X Factor after fellow judge Simon Cowell called him an “idiot” and “bland”, and judge Sharon Osbourne splashed him with three glasses of water for comments he made about her husband Ozzy.

Speaking in the Sun (“LOUIS WALKS”), the Irish impresario explains all: “The final straw was Sharon with the water and being booed by the audience and then Simon Cowell saying I was an idiot and stupid.” That’s three final straws. And don’t forget “bland”.

But over in the Star, Cowell is unbowed. Asked if he was considering replacing Louis on the show, Cowell, appearing on TV, was blunt: “It would be difficult to find someone else that stupid.”

Only, of course, it would not be. Just as there are thousands of wannabe singers ready to be ridiculed on national TV for a fleeting shot at fame, there must be a ready supply of opinionated, judgemental types keen to be on the telly.

Just stick an advert up in the House of Commons…’

Posted: 23rd, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Blind Lust

‘A WARNING to you there with the hairy palms and the squint: “LOOKINGATPAGE3GIRLSMAKESYOUGOBLIND – OFFICIAL.”

That’s a clear enough message. If the words ran into each other, chances are the Sun’s advice has come too late for you. But others can still be saved.

And to you we speak of Professor David Zald, a psychologist at Vanderbilt University, who has identified a condition he calls “emotion-induced blindness”.

Professor Zane’s study involved showing students at America’s Yale University three types of images – violent, ordinary and sexy.

After each, the students were shown another picture and then asked what they’d seen.

After seeing an ordinary picture they could easily say what the second picture was. But after being presented with a violent or sexy image the students had no recollection of the second image.

Professor Zane believes this is a kind of blindness caused by information being caught in a “bottleneck”.

In short, that image of a topless Kate Moss on the Sun’s Page 3 is all you can cope with. That picture of Kate on a Caribbean beach puffing on a ciggie makes it almost impossible for you to recall the shot that immediately follows it. (If memory serves, it’s a picture of Prince Philip and Coleen McLoughlin sharing a takeaway pizza on a beach in Oldham.)

It might also mean that most of the Star, with its phalanx of bared breasts and thrusting strumpets, passes you by in blur.

And that the Mail’s Page 3 shot of Dame Helen Mirren displaying ample cleavage as she arrives at the International Emmy Awards in New York (“The bodice belle”) makes Mail readers blind to the paper’s ensuing story about how bird flu will do for us all, and the accompanying shot of Peter Stringfellow on a date with Cherie Blair…’

Posted: 23rd, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Motor Mouth

‘WHAT do you get the person in your life who already has a Billy the Bass singing fish, a novelty tie and a David Brent ringtone?

A sense of humour? For sure. But as those socks that play the first three bars of ‘I’m Too Sexy’ show, you can’t buy one of those.

But you could buy a “stars in your cars” Sat Nav system? As the Star reports, Showbiz Sat Nav features celebrity voices giving you directions.

So far only the voice of Homer Simpson is on the system, which “aims to put the fun back into motoring”.

Homer screams “D‘oh” as you makes a wrong turn. Bart helps out by telling you “Don’t have a cow man” as you count down the remaining minutes of your miserable life in a traffic jam.

And that’s not all. As an “insider” tells the Star: “Even if you’re a fan of the posh voices you get on regular devices, ours could still be for you because the Queen could come to your assistance.”

And do not doubt that she would. After all, you two are kindred spirits – she’s got a Billy Bass, too…’

Posted: 23rd, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Not Much Cop

‘NEVER let it go unsaid that the police are a body of men and women packed to the seams with good humour and hearty cheer.

Here comes a copper in his squad car now, the veritable laughing policeman. He’s going to see if he can make Margaret Boyle-White giggle.

“I want a word with you,” says the young member of the Norfolk Constabulary Cabaret Club to his audience by way of an opening catchphrase, as the Express reports. He tells Mrs Boyle-White, 34, that he’s had a complaint from a member of the public that she’s been “exposing herself”.

Mrs Boyle-White considers his words, looks at her eight-week-old daughter Niamh suckling on her breast, and wonders if she should laugh or cry.

Or tell the papers. Which she has done. In the Mail, Mrs Boyle-White says how the young copper “then told me to refrain from breastfeeding in public”. The officer said he could not “do me” for it, but suggested that in future she uses a restaurant or café.

“I couldn’t believe it. He made me feel like a common criminal for doing something which is perfectly natural,” says Mrs Boyle–White. For sure – but much of the best comedy comes from observing the every day.

And rather than overanalysing the joke, we look instead for the clincher. How will this sketch close? A spokesman, the man from the ministry, if you will, takes centre stage to explain that Mrs Boyle-White was told off in the street to “avoid any distress”. It was all done in a “discreet, professional manner”. If not in the best possible taste.

And before the blast on the policeman’s kazoo has faded, the Express spots some more comedy capers from the Force.

While the Mail is all Tony Hancock-like doom and gloom, reminding its readers that the taxpayers will pick up a £70m tab for the move to 24-hour licensing, the Express lightens the mood.

It’s now the turn of the laughing policemen of Ipswich to slay us in the aisles. This sketch relies on a visual – a picture of two cops standing outside “THE LOCK ‘EM IN” public house.

This image appears on the cover of a leaflet, 30,000 of which have been delivered to clubs and restaurants in the town. The pamphlet reads: “The Lock ‘Em Inn is conveniently located within easy reach of Ipswich’s pubs, clubs and criminal courts. The accommodation is minimalist chic created for you with economy in mind.”

Such fine wit needs little commentary, but still sergeant Neil Boast wants to explain all. “The leaflets are cheeky but we want people to realise that being locked up in the cells is not a pleasant experience,” says he.

Boom! Boom! Or ‘Bang! Bang!’, as the police would have it…’

Posted: 22nd, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Letters Of The Law

‘DID you send your list of demands to Santa? Well, get ready to send one again because the Mirror says your letter might not have arrived.

You see, not all post ends up where it should. Some letters, around 360,000 of them, were posted into a bin by Inderpal Narula and Royston Heaton.

The pair were directors of Mail Logistics, a company that delivered post internationally at a cut price for the Royal Mail.

The Sun says that in order to keep the prices low, Narula and Heaton got an employee to deliver the packages, parcels and letters with a forklift truck to various skips across London. In all, their company delivered 2,700 kilos of post daily over a year in such a fashion.

The idea was to get rich. It’s far cheaper to post a parcel in a skip than send it by plane or boat to the addressee. And it was a pretty good plan. The Mail hears police say the pair could have earned £3million from it.

In one email to Heaton, under the subject heading ‘Millionaires’ Narula bragged: “Millionaires soon in hard cash… you millionaire YOU!’

But people began to complain. They’d not received their post. The Royal Mail investigated. The fraud was uncovered. Narula and Heaton were sent to Southwark Crown Court, and duly found guilty of a single count of conspiracy to defraud. They have been sentenced to two years in choky.

That’s just marvellous. But what of your letters? Presiding over the case, Judge Andrew Goymer said in summing up: “Fraud in the industry is rife, indeed the word endemic was used.”

Which makes us wonder whether your letter to Santa has reached its destination or gone the same way as university degree certificates, exam papers, bank paperwork and reports by the General Medical Council?

So best you resend your letter to Santa. And if you want to be sure he gets it, deliver it yourself. Lapland’s that way…’

Posted: 22nd, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Love Is The Drug

‘WHO says Kate Moss has lost her way? Not us. The woman still has the ability to inspire others to follow her lead.

Just look at Pete Doherty. As the Sun reports, Pete has just checked into the same drugs clinic that treated Moss.

Adding his name to the list of famous alumni to have graduated from Arizona’s Meadows Clinic, Pete is in town to battle his addiction to crack cocaine.

And we wish him well, not least of all because Moss will only see him if he’s clean of drugs.

As a “pal” explains: “Peter has realised that his love for her is greater than his love for drugs.”

But it was still a tough choice, and the same pal explains that it was a “mammoth effort” to get Pete on the plane to the States. “He was very emotional. When he returns he will not be able to associate with anyone who he used to do drugs with.”

But surely that group includes Moss. Which means that Pete could be facing life without drugs and his model lover.

But at least he has his celebrity to see him through. You know, his talent for, er, taking drugs and, er, dating a famous top model…’

Posted: 22nd, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

In The Bag

‘HEAR that? That’s the collective sigh of a hundred shops girls exhaling with relief at the news that Coleen McLoughlin is still dating mega-rich footballer Wayne Rooney.

Had Coleen dumped the footballer – who spent that clandestine six minutes with “sexy” Emily Fountain – a swathe of Britain could have been forced into recession.

But the Sun has a shot to prove that Wayne and Coleen remain an item. And another shot of the aforesaid Emily shielding her naked breasts from prying eyes.

“Emily’s always up for a laugh,” says a pal of the girl who attracted Wayne’s attention, “she’s always the life and soul of the party and is brilliant fun to be around.”

Sadly, thanks to a minder placing a cloth over a CCTV camera (see Anorak’s “Rooney With A View”), we don’t know how much fun. So we’ll have to take the unnamed pal’s word for it.

And instead hear what Coleen has to say about the matter. Approached by reporters and snappers, Coleen “blew her top”. She called one reporter a “sh**bag” and another a “paedophile”.

Why she did this, we are uncertain. Perhaps she was just letting off steam. Perhaps she was trying to show Wayne that whatever the situation, whatever happens to them, they talk the same kind of language…’

Posted: 22nd, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

The Last Chance Saloon

‘WILL seeing a picture of a jaundiced George Best make you think twice about drinking?

A shot of the footballing legend looking terrible has been released to the press by Best and his family to remind people of the perils of the demon dink.

It’s a grim image of a desperately ill man. But it seems to say as much about the nature of celebrity as it does about alcoholism. We are so used to seeing pictures of injured and dead bodies in the media that the only thing that makes Best’s case special is his fame.

Instead of getting the anti-drinking message, we wallow in a mawkish state of pity at what has become of a once great sportsman. It’s like gawping at the wreckage of a car crash. We slow down by Best’s bed, before putting our boot down and speeding off on our own lives.

And while we rubberneck at Best, the Sun says there’s nothing new in drinking to excess. The paper says that Britons were binge drinkers 700 years ago.

“If you thought binge drinking was new, then think again,” says John Clark, curator of the Medieval gallery at the Museum of London.

An exhibition, scheduled to open at the museum this Friday – the day after 24-hour drinking begins in Britain – will show that the average daily consumption for Londoners in the 12th century was eight pints a day.

Back then there was one pub for every 50 people. Now we have to muddle by on one pub for every 750 of us.

But what can we learn from this brief history of drinking? A look at the years between then and now reveals that booze did not cause Britain to go to hell in a handcart. Indeed London grew into a world city, a financial superpower that fuelled the mighty British Empire.

But things are very different today. Today we have alcopops. And we have the Mail to tell us that round-the-clock drinking will do for us all.

It seems the police have reacted with “fury” after it emerged that “they will face the chaos” of 24-hour drinking without tough new powers to deal with drunks.

And it’s the Government’s fault. The paper says that ministers had promised the police that the new drinking laws would coincide with the police’s ability to ban yobs from town centres and create “Alcohol Disorder Zones”.

But no. The planned Violent Crime Reduction Bill will not come into force until next year, by which time the precinct will be awash with vomit, broken glass and blood, the typical detritus of a good night out with the lads.

And the Express agrees. The paper says that a “blunder” in the law means that pubs will have to close as normal at 11pm on Wednesday night – but they can legally start serving booze again an hour later when the new legislation kicks in.

“It means thousands of drunken revellers…could spill on to the streets for an hour awaiting re-opening,” says the Express. “Trouble could erupt.”

Indeed, there could be problems – especially for those drinkers who succumb to hypothermia as they stand in the street waiting for the pub to open…’

Posted: 21st, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

One Wise Man

‘THE wise man will not blow all his cash before Christmas on binge drinking. He’ll hop over on his camel to Calais and load up on cheap hooch for the festive season.

Myrrh, frankincense and gold are also cheaper on the continent. And you’d be wise to stock up.

And you can save money in other ways, too. The Express produces the “Cheats guide to Christmas”. This double-page spread includes ways to make the festive season a cheap and cheerful hit.

Buy the best ready-made sauces you can afford, says the paper. “Then decant them into dishes, hiding the jars at the back of the cupboard.”

“Sieve icing sugar over bought mince pies or Yule logs to cover your embarrassment.”

“When space is tight, put dinner plates in the dishwasher on the quick wash cycle, and they will be hot when you are ready to serve.”

But it’s with the decorations the Express comes into its own. “Go minimalist,” it says. “Buy thee or four little conifers on pots and set them on a window sill.”

Great advice. But it’s come too late for some. “Workshy” dad-of-ten Mark Corby has already done his Christmas shopping. As the Sun says, Mark has just splashed out £20,000 on Christmas lights to decorate the outside of his four-bedroom semi in Exeter, Devon.

But Corby is no fool. The wise man – who has not been in gainful employment for three years – is a “scrounger” who has worked out a way to let you pay for his extravagances.

For your tax pound, the Sun says that Corby’s display features an illuminated Santa and train on the roof, two 4ft Santas with sleighs, a Santa climbing a ladder, a 4ft Santa with a reindeer, a 3ft snowman, two 4ft shining starts, four trees filled with fairy lights, lights all over the roof and fake frost on the eaves and windows.

And then there’s the electricity bill for powering the whole thing for seven hours a day for seven weeks.

Taking time out from gazing upon his winter wonderland like some denim-clad King Wenceslas, Corby explains.

“A few years go it was very tough to get by on state benefits,” says he. “But it’s much easier these days because of all the tax credits.” As Corby says: “Poverty is all relative.”

Although not among his family…’

Posted: 21st, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Rooney With A View

‘LOCK up your mothers and aunts, Wayne Rooney might be back on the prowl.

The Sun’s front page (“ROO BEEN FRAMED”) brings into the cold light of day the story of Rooney and Emily Fountain.

Before we go on, we’d like to say that Emily is not some 48-year-old housewife who turns tricks in Liverpool, but a 20-year-old old brunette, a “personal assistant”, invited into the VIP area at the Odyssey Bar, Altrincham, Cheshire.

And that’s not the only part of the “swish” venue Emily got to see, as the Sun produces photos of her in the club’s less than salubrious kitchen.

Taken from CCTV footage, the pictures show Emily standing on her own in the dingy room, “giggling excitedly and adjusting her boobs”.

Then, accompanied by a huge bouncer, Rooney arrives. The minder spots the camera and covers the lens with a cloth.

And… Well, that’s what the paper would like to know. As will Rooney’s “long-suffering” girlfriend Coleen McLoughlin. She stuck by Rooney and his credit card when he confessed to having dallied with middle-aged tarts in August last year.

Now she’ll want to know what her man was doing with Emily for the 6 minutes and 22 seconds the CCTV camera remained covered up.

Just what did Rooney do in that brief period of time? Just what could anyone do? The Sun’s agony aunt, Deirdre Sanders, says that Rooney is “clearly a young man who cannot be trusted to stay faithful”.

The suspension is that he’s cheated on brave Coleen. And if so, what will she do? How will she make Rooney pay..?’

Posted: 21st, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Mail Shot

‘WARNING: READING THE DAILY MAIL MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO HEALTH.

Monday

“PILL MADE ME CASINO ADDICT”

Ruth Miles claims Mirpax, the drug she was prescribed to treat her Parkinson’s disease, turned her into a compulsive gambler. Said she: “The drug hijacked my brain, robbed me of any conscience”

“FEAR OF PANDEMIC GROWS AS BIRD FLU ADAPTS TO HUMANS”

Though it has yet to adapt, the Mail says the H5N1 virus could do

“Bullying ‘affects almost every child in Britain’”

Tuesday

“Atkins can harm the heart in two weeks”

Researchers from Oxford University, funded by the British Heart Foundation, found that the Atkins diet directly affects the heart in its ability to store energy

“Blood clots kill 60,000 hospital patients a year”

“Menopause DOES trigger arthritis”

“Jack Higgins used to write three thrillers a year. Now, hit by nerve disease, his hands shake so much he cannot type a word”

“A poisonous betrayal…Forget letting us down over global warming, Blair’s true crime is to sabotage proposals limiting the chemicals poisoning us all”

Wednesday

“Cancer that is blamed on binge drinking”

Cancer Research UK says cases of mouth cancer have shot up 25 per cent in a decade.

“The drug more addictive than crack”

Methamphetamine, know as ice, crystal meth or Tina, is on its way to the UK from the US

“Bird flu shambles”

“The Government cannot guarantee that diseased birds were not removed from quarantine early and sold to the public”

“The stroke victims who don’t have to die”

“More than 2,000 stoke victims a year are needlessly dying or being left disabled by failings in the NHS”

“How daily aspirin ‘may put men at risk’”

The American Heart Foundation Association’s annual conference was told that aspirin increases men’s chances of having haemorrhagic strokes by 96 per cent.

“Next week 24-hour drinking become legal. But what safeguards are in place to protect vulnerable youngsters? We sent two 24-year-olds to one Saturday night pub. In just two hours they were served enough alcohol [pictured] to put them in a coma”

Thursday

“Why bird flu drugs will not be enough”

“Are we in danger of overdosing on vitamin pills?”

“Women ‘ignoring risks’ of delaying children”

Women risk “heartbreak” by delaying motherhood until their late 30s

Friday

“The daredevil gene – Scientists discover why some of us are born to take more risks than the rest”’

Posted: 19th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Hacked Off

‘THERE’S safety in numbers. That’s why the papers love them. Here are some things we learned last week…

3 – China confirmed its first three human cases of bird flu. Two of the three people have died

4.20 – The average child gets £4.20 a week in pocket money

10 – Welsh rugby fan Geoffrey Huish took ten minutes to celebrate Wales’s defeat of England in last year’s Six Nations Championship by sawing off his testicles with a pair of blunt wire cutters. “I’d told my pal Gethin Probert before the game that Wales didn’t stand a chance. It wasn’t a bet, but I said I’d cut my balls off if we won.” Geoffrey had listened to game on the radio on his own

24 – Government figures show female convictions for speeding have risen 24 per cent over the last five years; the number of men prosecuted has fallen by 14 per cent

£58.36 – Prince William will be paid £58.36 a day when he starts his Army training. Prince Harry, who, unlike his brother, doesn’t have a degree, gets just £36.92 a day

85 – The remains of Gigantopithecus Blackii, aka the real King Kong, found in Guangxi province, China, point to an animal 10ft tall and weighing 85 stone

109 – Henry Allingham, aged 109, Britain’s oldest citizen paid tribute to fallen comrades from the First World War

175 – Hatched in 1830 and reputedly collected from the Galapagos islands by Charles Darwin, Harriet the giant tortoise celebrated her 175th birthday

200 – The I’m A Celebrity camp covers 200 acres and cost £7million to build.

£25,000 – Andy Savage shoplifted 36 items for his exhibition called Stolen White Goods. The show at Birmingham’s Ikon gallery was paid for by a £25,000 grant from the Arts Council

37,000 – Pupils at City Academy in Lawrence Hill, Bristol, earned £37,000 from the school for hitting or surpassing their target GCSE grades as part of the school’s “achievement and incentives” scheme

57,500 – A brawl started by Paris Hilton’s boyfriend Stavros Niarchos saw the Greek playboy charged £57,500 for damage at Las Vegas’s Hard Rock hotel

62,000 – A mystery buyer paid £62,000 at auction for the world’s biggest truffle, weighting 2lb 10ooz

180,000 – Camilla and Charles’s US tour cost the taxpayer 180,000

935.000 – Of all the MPs William Hague earns the most., pulling in £935,000 last year, as decaled in the Register of Members’ Interests

1.5m – The number of homeless families in England and Wales has more than doubled to 101,030 since 1997

9,000,000 – Mohammad Hejazi, head of Iran’s Islamic militia, said that on Nov 26 nine million militiamen will form a human chain along the county’s 5,000 miles of borders in a show of force against international pressure on the country’s atomic programme

15m – Gary Barlow says he earned 15million from his time in Take That. He still has it

6bn – Scientists estimate that a bad diet costs the NHS estimates 6bn every year. Says Dr Mike Mayner of Oxford University: “The Government could look at tax increases on unhealthy food and banning adverts on junk food, certainly those aimed at children”

700,000,000 – The European Court of Auditors refused to endorse the EU’s £70bn spending for the eleventh year running’

Posted: 19th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Caught In The Web

‘WITH Kate Moss getting clean in the States, Omar Bakri stuck in Lebanon and Tony Blair on his way out, the papers look down their wanted list for the next target for removal.

The Sun spots Big Brother’s Makosi Musambasi. Some of you might remember Makosi for her desperate-to-be-noticed naked flashes and romps on TV’s Big Brother, and for her tendency to refer to herself in the third person.

Now the Sun says that rather than being evicted to her native Zimbabwe, the strumpet has been granted refugee status and can remain in Britain.

The one proviso is that she can only work here if she keeps her job as a nurse. So there’ll be no Makosi the TV presenter, Makosi the Page 3 Girl or Makosi the professional celebrity, unless she can fit showbiz around her nursing.

But while Makosi the healer becomes a real-life version of Barbara Windsor in Carry On Nursing, the Mail moves on. It’s seen the new Crimestoppers website.

Modelled on the American FBI’s internet site of most dangerous criminals at large, the Crimestoppers version features the UK’s most wanted.

“Have you seen any of the villains on Britain’s first FBI-style website?” asks the Mail. Readers are duly presented with mugshots of 12 felons, the so-called “Dirty Dozen”.

A quick once over reveals – surprisingly for the Mail – no picture of George Galloway, Cherie Blair or any Frenchman who works at the EU.

Instead we get Ayub Khan, wanted in connection with the murder of two hotel owners; Yousef Ahmed Wahid, wanted in connection with the murder of Miss Fatima Kama whose body was found inside a suitcase in the car park at Terminal 3 at Heathrow Airport in July 1999; and convicted murderer and armed robber James Francis Hurley, who escaped while being transferred between prisons on 16 February 1994.

As Dave Cording, director of Operations for Crimestoppers, explains in the Sun: “We are not going after people who have not paid their parking tickets. We are going for those wanted for the more serious offences.”

And the system works. Since the creation of America’s Most Wanted List in 1950, 147 villains have been caught.

But this is not America (we’ve checked). And to help you at home brush up your sleuthing skills, the Crimestoppers Most Wanted website invites you to “do your duty and test your detective skills by solving the clues in Crimestoppers’ Most Wanted Quiz”.

And there’s a reward: “The winner will need to polish up their magnifying glass and pack their latex gloves as they’ll receive a £205 gift voucher for a murder-mystery weekend for two, where they can play detective for real.”

So let‘s get on with the quiz. Question 1: If you do the police’s work for them, should you be paid?

Question 2: Are you one of the most wanted?’

Posted: 18th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Chuck Chuckas It

‘PRINCE Charles is not getting any younger. At 57, Charles is a year older than King George VI was when he died in 1952.

It’s best Charles takes as few chances as possible. Queen Elizabeth might be approaching her 80th birthday, but she shows no visible signs of failing health.

If Charles is to survive long enough to sit on the throne for even as long as Lady Jane Grey’s nine days, he should start thinking about slowing down.

So it’s out with the extreme jam making, consorting with cacti and the edgy watercolours and in with taking it easy. And if that means no more polo playing, then so be it.

As the Express says (“Charles chukkas it in”), after 50 years in the saddle, the heir to the throne is hanging up his mallet.

Once ranked as one of the top 10 polo players in Britain – a lofty title up there with his being one of the country’s top 10 princes – giving the sport up will surely be a wrench for Charles.

The sport is full of memories for him. It was at a polo match in 1970 that he met the love of his life, the fragrant Camilla. And the pair were famously pictured chatting together at a polo match in 1975.

And running into Camilla wasn’t Charles’s only polo-related accident. In August 2001, he was knocked out when his horse threw him. In 1990, he broke his right arm in a fall.

In 1980, he was thrown and kicked during a match at Windsor, a prang that left him with a rakish two-inch scar on his cheek.

And then there’s the time Charles was hit in the throat and rendered mute for 10 silent days.

Better to quit the field now, perhaps, than to risk life and limb. As a Clarence House spokesman tells us: “He felt the time was right. He decided to bow out gracefully, but regretfully.”

And while he can still straighten back up…’

Posted: 18th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Racy Stacey

‘“GET A ROOM,” orders the Sun’s front page. “EastEnder Stacey in hotel corridor romp.”

Surely not. EastEnder Stacey rutting like a footballer in a hotel? Never! Not EastEnder Stacey…

But the Sun has pictures. Admittedly, you have to really strain your eyes to make out what’s going on in the front-page picture taken by CCTV cameras at the five-star London Carlton Tower Hotel in Knightsbridge, London.

Were it not for a hotel insider on hand to tell us that “Stacey and the bloke really [were] going for it hammer and tongs in the corridor”, we might form the impression that the grainy images are of someone getting ice, or of the Loch Ness Monster.

But the insider and the Sun (“Cor! Tasty Stacey is racy with matey in a public place-y”) let’s us know what is really occurring on the 18th floor.

“She was dressed in a black frock with fur trim,” says the insider breathlessly, “and stockings and suspenders. The guy had a massive grin on his face both before and after the deed.”

But what about during? There are gaps in this testimony. And we can only wonder who this lad was with EastEnder Stacey, aka soap actress Lacey Turner.

“Do you know Lacey’s lover?” asks the paper. “If you do you can call the Sun’s newsdesk. The paper would love to hear from you.

Although since the image could be that of just about any man, woman or beast, corroborating evidence may be required to claim your reward. A lock of Stacey’s hair should do it, or some ice…’

Posted: 18th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Dress Parade

‘IT’S not just toadying, self-serving butlers who can fondle one of the late Princess Diana’s dresses. Now you too can own one of the great lady’s gowns.

And it’s not just any old dress. As the Mail says (“War of Diana’s dress”), Madame Tussauds is putting up for auction an exact replica of the wedding dress worn by Di all those moons ago.

The dress was made at Di’s behest, in case anything happened to the original on her big day (Express) or to go on display the day after the wedding at the waxwork museum (Mail).

Now Madame Tussaud’s says the dress is gathering dust and might as well be sold.

But not everyone is happy. Elizabeth Emanuel, who along with her then husband David made the enormously fussy silk and taffeta meringue, will not be among the bidders. (The dress is expected to sell for more than £50,000.)

“The Princess hoped it would be a small piece of history that would be put on display for the world to enjoy,” says Elizabeth. “It’s like they are selling off the family silver.”

“Why can’t they just donate it to a museum? I’m sure there are others who old appreciate it.”

Indeed. What butler, drag queen or Diana fetishists wouldn’t want to own such an item?’

Posted: 17th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Who Do You Think You Are

‘WHAT do you get the man who has everything, although not a mistress, of course?

Buying a Christmas pressie for David Beckham is no easy thing. But Posh, ever the originator and creative thinker, has come up trumps. As the Sun says, she’s bought her Day-vid a book of Doctor Who screenplays.

The paper says Dayve is “completely obsessed” with the Timelord – perhaps Dayve wishes he too could travel back in time, say to about a minute before he met Rebecca Loos.

An insider takes up the story, as the couple browse the shelves of Harrods. “Victoria and David were shopping in Harrods for a couple of hours,” says the insider.

Oh. Go on… “Most of the staff were expecting her to spend a fortune on designer gear – but she only bought the Russell T Davies scripts.”

And…“She says he knew everything about it and never missed an episode in the last series.”

Good for him. But hold on a moment. Might it be that Dayve and Her Poshness are using the books for research? Christopher Ecclestone, who plays Dr Who, has just quit the show, and Billie Piper, who plays his sidekick Rose, has announced her intention to follow his lead.

Might it be that Dayve and Posh are rehearsing for their next big performance?

“BECKS-TERMINATE,” says the Sun’s headline. “The Daleks are comin’,” says Dayve. “Really?” asks Posh. “But I thought Geri and Liz were in Los Angeles..?”’

Posted: 17th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Lighten Up

‘SLOW news day? Omar Bakri can’t be reached on the phone? No Government legislation to champion. Footballer not caught in sex shame scandal with saucy stunna? What you need to fill the space in your newssheet is a campaign.

And, as usual, in a time of emergency when pages must be filled the Sun begins a crusade. Having in recent weeks stamped out violence against animals, saved the 90-day terror bill and put an end to domestic violence (see the paper’s Rebekah Wade) it wants YOU! to join the “BATTLE TO SAVE OUR CHRISTMAS”.

The Sun needs you to “stop politically–correct Scrooges killing off Christmas”. The Sun is “hitting back” at the likes of Havant Borough Council who, as we told you yesterday, have renamed the town’s Christmas display the Festival of Lights so as not to offend non-Christians.

The councillors have also banned Santa and his nylon beard and red robes from the local shopping centre because he’s a fire hazard.

So get behind the “CRIMBO” (Christmas-Must-Be-Observed) campaign. And you can join in the fun by grassing up a killjoy. “Is Scrooge trying to ruin Christmas for you in your community?” asks the paper. “If you want The Sun to serve a CRIMBO on the misery-guts, let us know by phone, email or fax.”

And you can also do it by letter. Ever-knowing and understanding of its readers’ needs and limits, the Sun has prewritten this missive for them.

Readers are invited to insert the killjoys name above the message: “This order decrees that from this day forth the offender must observe Christmas and all its associated festivities. Failure to comply shall constitute contravention of the Yuletide Act (2005) and will result in immediate and extensive public ridicule without further notification.”

All very worthy and noble, we are sure. And while notices are served on the Chief Rabbi, the Dali Lama and Havant town council, the Sun might like to realise that its campaign is over before it’s begun. As the Express reports: “Asian councillor brings Christmas back to Britain.”

Councillor Elias Mattu saw the new lights in Wolverhampton and noticed that the message ‘Happy Christmas’ had been replaced with ‘Welcome’.

Mattu went to find out why this change had occurred. He confronted the powers that be and was told that the message had been altered so as not to offend ethnic minorities. So Mattu, who is a Punjabi Christian, went to ask some minorities what they thought. He spoke with Muslims, Hindus and Sikhs. And he discovered that no-one had a problem with the traditional Christmas message. The lights were duly restored.

“I have a message for other councils that have taken these decisions,” says Mattu. “If we believe in equality and good race relations we should accept other people’s faiths.”

Even if the likes of the Sun want everyone to celebrate Christmas, or else…’

Posted: 17th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Talking Birds

‘RELEASE the parrots. Stop questioning them. They won’t talk. As the Sun says, “POLLY IN THE CLEAR”. They have nothing to say.

Parrots might no longer be riddled with bird flu. The Sun says that officials were wrong when they claimed avian bird flu had been brought into the country by a blue-headed parrot from Surinam, South America.

This still leaves the matter of a dead parrot, and until we find out what killed it, there can be no cause for celebration among parrot kind. Fowl play cannot be ruled out.

And while the news is encouraging for Polly, things are not looking good for mesia finches. The Sun says these birds are the creatures to blame.

The Express says that 53 of these birds are believed to have died from the effects of the H5N12 virus. But we may never know the truth because not all of the carcases have been preserved. No fewer than 10 were roasted in an incinerator.

The Express says that incinerating the birds is a breach of quarantine rules unless authorised by a vet. And the suspicion is that no vet was contacted.

Over in the Mail this is nothing less than the “Bird flu shambles”. There’s a picture of a parrot (“Not guilty?”) and another of a mesia finch (“The latest suspect”).

And there’s the news that the Government cannot put an exact figure on the number of birds that perished in the Essex quarantine station.

And then there’s Brett Hammond, the fabled Mr Bird flu of past headlines. The convicted fraudster could now face charges of breaking quarantine regulations for disposing of the birds in an inappropriate manner.

But worse than this is the Mail’s news that the Government is unable to guarantee that diseased birds were not removed from quarantine and sold to the public.

We can’t afford to take any chances? If diseased birds have entered the country illegally, we need to act.

Round-up the parrots. One of them must know something. And if they won’t talk, show them pictures of what we do to turkeys at Christmas. That’ll break ‘em…’

Posted: 16th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Lights Switch

‘“IS this the most miserable town in Britain?” asks the Mail in the latest missive in its “CHRISTMAS KILLJOYS” campaign.

Not having been to every town in the country we can’t be too sure. But if the story is right and Christmas has been banned, Havant, Hampshire, must be a pretty glum place.

Not that the town has banned Christmas altogether. Children should still find a Satsuma in their Christmas sock on Christmas morning and the family will feast on a roast bird stuffed with chestnuts, hydrogenated fat and the new H5N1 flavour enhancer.

It’s just that the town’s lights are no longer known as Christmas lights. The local council has decreed that the illuminations in Havant’s Meridian shopping centre are now part of the area’s “Festival of Lights”.

The intention is to prevent the lights offending non-Christians. But local council leader David Gillet – who was alone in voting against the decision (Express) – is unimpressed. “It’s Christmas and these are Christmas lights,” says he. “I don’t see any sense in denying this.” It is nothing less than “political correctness gone absolutely barmy”.

And non-Christians seem to agree. The Express, which lambastes the “politically correct commissars” behind the move, hears from Anil Bhanor, of the Hindu Council UK. “This sounds totally crazy to me,” says he. “The Festival of Lights is a Hindu festival, there is no need to remove the word Christmas.”

So not only has the council banned Christmas but its adopted the title of a Hindu celebration for its own ends.

And this is not all. As the Sun reports (“COUNCIL’S OUTLAWED OUR XMAS”), Santa has been sacked from appearing at the town’s Meridian shopping centre. He’s a fire risk.

Although surely a flaming Santa would add to the sense of occasion – a new attraction at this so-called festival of light..?’

Posted: 16th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Bug Off

‘AUSTRALIA gives us bar staff, au pairs and Rolf Harris. We send them a platoon of our finest celebs.

Yes, folks, I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here is back. As the Sun says on its front page: “LET’S GET READY TO JUNGLE.”

After what must be seconds of guessing, the Sun puts us out of our misery and reveals who will be appearing in a jungle clearing Down Under for the next couple of weeks.

And first up, let us say that not all of this celebrity mulch is comprised of native Brits. The “BATTLE OR THE BLONDES” will see former Atomic Kitten singer Jenny Frost blonde it out with Australian “ex-neighbours stunner” Kimberley Davies.

But hang on a moment. There are other blondes on the show, not least of whom is Carol Thatcher. Her yellowy thatch pops up in the Express.

In “I’m a celebrity…don’t tell mum”, Thatcher says she’s too frightened to tell Maggie she’s on the show.

“I think she’ll probably be very critical,” says Carol of her mum, “I can’t say it’s her sort of show so I might just tell her that I’ve done it when I get back.”

And then there’s the blonde Jilly Goolden. She’s TV’s well-spoken wine expert. The token toff. The Express has a picture of Jilly dribbling what looks like a black worm onto her palette.

And while Jilly appreciates the worm’s earthy flavours, and cogitates over its body and a hint of blackcurrants and slime, the Sun spots other life forms moving about the undergrowth.

They are: former boyband singer Antony Costa, mahogany-skinned antiques expert David Dickinson, former EastEnders actress Elaine Lordan, former EastEnders actor Sid Owen, ‘little’ middle aged Jimmy Osmond and Emmerdale actress Sheree Murphy.

Has there ever been a finer body of men and women assembled for our entertainment? We think not. And we’d like to take this opportunity to wish them the very best of British. Break a leg, gang. And if the leg starts seeping pus, stick some leeches on it…’

Posted: 16th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)

The Jumper

‘“DIANA: her final stunning pictures,” promises the Express’s front page. Or is that threatens? It’s usually only websites that would bother with such macabre voyeurism.

But here is a national paper, the self-styled “world’s greatest newspaper”, promising to show its readers something truly shocking.

Can we not look at something more pleasant? What about the Sun’s shots of Prince Harry’s lover Chelsy Davy?

“GREAT VIEW, CHELSY,” leers the Sun. It stares up at the blonde one descending by parachute with expert Paul Lutzer tied to her back.

Chelsy “put on an outstanding show in a tight fleece”, says the Sun, peering at the busty jumper. “Her daredevil jump put paid to her knockers who have written her off as a pouting party animal,” it says.

It might not be all that tasteful to gawp at Chelsy’s chest as she risks life and limb on a parachute jump(“Harry girl shows a lot of front in 9,000ft skydive”), but surely it’s better than what the Express is proposing.

And since we’ve seen Chelsy, what about a look at Kate Middleton, Prince William’s lover.

And, in case any of you were wondering, Kate is indeed dating the future king. In a meeting with members of the All Blacks rugby team at Buckingham Palace, Kiwi forward Ali Williams asked Wills about Kate.

The Sun catches up with Williams and finds out what was said. “He said it was going well, going steady,” says Williams.

That’s good to hear. There’s nothing wrong with steady, even if it fails to produce a decent shot of Kate’s cleavage as she leaps from an aeroplane.

And unless Kate can show us some leg, we can delay things no longer. It’s time to look at those shots of Diana.

And… Oh, is that it? We had expected to see something truly awful. But “Diana’s last pictures” are of the Princess shopper reclining on a couch in first a black gown and then a white one.

And what we learn is that these are the last “official” pictures of the fabled princess, taken by Peruvian snapper Mario Testino.

In his latest book, Testino writes that Harry and Wills told him “the pictures were the most like her they had ever seen”.

And however good they are – and they are little different to the countless other shots of Di posing for the camera – they are surely better than what was promised…’

Posted: 15th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Home Shopping Channel

‘TO most law-abiding types, the only guilty pleasure to be had from watching property shows is to see what other people’s houses look like.

But to some, a show like Through the Keyhole operates like a niche shopping channel, showing the burglar at home what goods can be obtained from breaking into the bijou residence of a retired weathergirl or soap star.

The MTV programme Footballers’ Cribs works in a similar fashion. As the Mail explains, when Footballer Mark Fish allowed the MTV cameras into his £1.5million pad in Kent, he didn’t give much thought to who might be watching.

Fish and his fragrant wife Loui, a former lingerie mo-del, naturally, showed the enraptured millions their huge aquarium, basement dungeon, pinball machines and a classy Egyptian mummy sarcophagus which opens up to reveal a CD rack.

Now the cameras are back at chez Fish, where the owner is showing the Sun’s snapper the window prized open by a gang of burglars and the safe they forced him to open.

And it’s not the first time this has happened. As the Mail reminds us, it was only back in August that footballer Ian Walker and his ex-glamour mo-del wife Suzi were treating us to a tour of their £1.7 million home in Surrey.

And last month the raiders struck there, too. They stole the couple’s Range Rover, cash, credit cards and a personal organiser.

It looks as if a pattern is developing, a modus operandi. We can only wonder who is behind these crimes. And until the villains are captured, we warn footballers to be more careful about who they let into their homes.

And that especially includes Nancy Dell’Olio, who fronts the show…’

Posted: 15th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment