The Jumper

‘“DIANA: her final stunning pictures,” promises the Express’s front page. Or is that threatens? It’s usually only websites that would bother with such macabre voyeurism.

But here is a national paper, the self-styled “world’s greatest newspaper”, promising to show its readers something truly shocking.

Can we not look at something more pleasant? What about the Sun’s shots of Prince Harry’s lover Chelsy Davy?

“GREAT VIEW, CHELSY,” leers the Sun. It stares up at the blonde one descending by parachute with expert Paul Lutzer tied to her back.

Chelsy “put on an outstanding show in a tight fleece”, says the Sun, peering at the busty jumper. “Her daredevil jump put paid to her knockers who have written her off as a pouting party animal,” it says.

It might not be all that tasteful to gawp at Chelsy’s chest as she risks life and limb on a parachute jump(“Harry girl shows a lot of front in 9,000ft skydive”), but surely it’s better than what the Express is proposing.

And since we’ve seen Chelsy, what about a look at Kate Middleton, Prince William’s lover.

And, in case any of you were wondering, Kate is indeed dating the future king. In a meeting with members of the All Blacks rugby team at Buckingham Palace, Kiwi forward Ali Williams asked Wills about Kate.

The Sun catches up with Williams and finds out what was said. “He said it was going well, going steady,” says Williams.

That’s good to hear. There’s nothing wrong with steady, even if it fails to produce a decent shot of Kate’s cleavage as she leaps from an aeroplane.

And unless Kate can show us some leg, we can delay things no longer. It’s time to look at those shots of Diana.

And… Oh, is that it? We had expected to see something truly awful. But “Diana’s last pictures” are of the Princess shopper reclining on a couch in first a black gown and then a white one.

And what we learn is that these are the last “official” pictures of the fabled princess, taken by Peruvian snapper Mario Testino.

In his latest book, Testino writes that Harry and Wills told him “the pictures were the most like her they had ever seen”.

And however good they are – and they are little different to the countless other shots of Di posing for the camera – they are surely better than what was promised…’

Posted: 15th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Home Shopping Channel

‘TO most law-abiding types, the only guilty pleasure to be had from watching property shows is to see what other people’s houses look like.

But to some, a show like Through the Keyhole operates like a niche shopping channel, showing the burglar at home what goods can be obtained from breaking into the bijou residence of a retired weathergirl or soap star.

The MTV programme Footballers’ Cribs works in a similar fashion. As the Mail explains, when Footballer Mark Fish allowed the MTV cameras into his £1.5million pad in Kent, he didn’t give much thought to who might be watching.

Fish and his fragrant wife Loui, a former lingerie mo-del, naturally, showed the enraptured millions their huge aquarium, basement dungeon, pinball machines and a classy Egyptian mummy sarcophagus which opens up to reveal a CD rack.

Now the cameras are back at chez Fish, where the owner is showing the Sun’s snapper the window prized open by a gang of burglars and the safe they forced him to open.

And it’s not the first time this has happened. As the Mail reminds us, it was only back in August that footballer Ian Walker and his ex-glamour mo-del wife Suzi were treating us to a tour of their £1.7 million home in Surrey.

And last month the raiders struck there, too. They stole the couple’s Range Rover, cash, credit cards and a personal organiser.

It looks as if a pattern is developing, a modus operandi. We can only wonder who is behind these crimes. And until the villains are captured, we warn footballers to be more careful about who they let into their homes.

And that especially includes Nancy Dell’Olio, who fronts the show…’

Posted: 15th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Choking A Chicken

‘THE sky really is falling in on Chicken Licken. Bird flu is coming to get him, and it’s going to spread to Cocky Locky, Goosy Loosey and Henny Penny. And then Foxy Loxy and the King are going to get it. They’re as stuffed as Turkey Lurky at Christmas time.

As the Mail says, bird flu has mutated into a form that can be easily passed to humans. Over in Vietnam, chicken watchers have noticed that the virus is starting to change.

“Fear of pandemic grows as bird flu adapts to humans,” squawks the paper. The “feared” H5N1 virus is “steadily changing”. Scientists at Vietnam’s Pasteur Institute analysed 24 samples of the virus taken from poultry and humans and found that one sample contained a mutation in the PB2 gene.

“We have to get the message through that this is going to be much more serious,” says Sir Liam Donaldson, the chief medical officer. The virus “will come”. “The fight will be an extended and protracted one… We can’t be alarmist.”

Too late for that. We are alarmed – the Mail has seen to that. Now we must prepare.

And the Sun thinks it knows how to get ready for the attack. The paper says sauerkraut may cure bird flu. Professor Kang Saouk, of South Korea, fed 13 chickens infected with avian bird flu the pickled cabbage. Eleven showed signs of recovery within a week.

Great news. Although it’s not so marvellous for those of you who don’t like sauerkraut. But short of bypassing your taste buds by stuffing the concoction into a syringe and pumping it directly into your body, what can you do?

No worries, as the Sun gives the world its recipe for Chocolate Sauerkraut Cake.

Useful as this advice is, it is a little too reactive for our tastes. We need to take the fight to the virus. And the Sun has a story which might show us the way ahead.

The paper has spotted a new toy on the shelves. The £14.99 batter-powered Chocking Chicken is a “fun” product aimed at children as young as six. And the aim is to strangle it.

As the paper says, when grasped firmly by the neck, the chicken’s wings and legs flail. Its eyes bulge. Its cheeks glow red.

The RSPCA says this toy is “warped and irresponsible”. It “sends out the wrong message”.

But we are unconvinced by that argument. Surely the toy is educational. We need to prepare for when the virus arrives and birds must be done away with.

Choke a chicken and stop the virus! And if you haven’t got a chicken of your own to choke, practice on a friend’s…’

Posted: 14th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

The Path To Vice

‘RESIDENTS of Little Faringdon, Oxfordshire are unhappy that Kate Moss is moving into their locale.

Last time Moss was in town widow Sylvia Griffiths, 82, says she was “disturbed many times late at night”. “She got a drum kit for Christmas and kept us up banging it,” says she.

And there’s Wesley Hunt. He says that at Kate’s village parties there was “coke everywhere”. “Kate had her own special snorting room. It was a small lounge with a glass-covered table.”

But rather than worry over Moss’s imminent arrival, the model’s new neighbours should consider themselves fortunate. We’re sure Faringdon is a nice enough place, a chocolate box blend of thatched roofs, bridle paths and haystacks, but it’s not exactly on the tourist map.

Might it be that Moss will do for the place what vice has done for Amsterdam? As with the Dutch capital, coaches full of tourists may soon arrive to see the Moss house and experience the legendary ‘Coke Lounge’.

Even better if Moss or a mannequin look-alike could be sat in the window of her 17th century farmhouse to seduce the punters to come inside.

As we say, it works for Amsterdam. As the Mail reports, the mighty Thomas Cook is offering family tours to that city and its famous red-light district.

The brochure advertising the tour says: “Begin with a drink at a prostitute information centre where a former prostitute will explain the system and answer any questions you may have. Then head for the Wallen (the red-light district) and see for yourself.”

And, as the Sun says, the tour is a bargain, costing £12 for adults, £6 for children under 12 and those aged four or under can go free.

And if you can make it a two-centre trip with the Moss Coke trail, so much the better value…’

Posted: 14th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

The Celebrity Cannon

‘THE small clearing in the Blue Peter garden is ready. And the Mail can announce that this year’s edition of TV’s I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here! is ready to go.

But who will be on the show? The Mail thinks it knows and introduces some of this year’s celebs prepared to eat bugs for their craft.

Jenny Frost is in. She’s the uber-thin former member of Atomic Kitten. And there’s Carol Thatcher doing for the family honour what her mother once did for the British coal industry.

Others keen to sleep beneath the stars and be mocked by Ant and Dec are: DJ Sara Cox (a woman who talks as if her mouth is already stuffed with beetles), Emmerdale actress Sheree Murphy, Food and Drink presenter Jenny Goolden, former Blue singer Antony Costa, Tommy Cannon, Sid Owen and Jimmy Osmond.

And we imagine which pair will be the new Jordan and Peter Andre – the newlyweds who met on the show.

Will Sid Owen show La Frost his acorn? Or what about Jimmy Osmond and Thatcher sharing a hammock?

We can only wonder. And wonder still more what would occur if the entire mob was left in the jungle for the next ten years as part of some social experiment.

And wonder if any of us would notice that they’d gone..?’

Posted: 14th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Mail Shot

‘WARNING: READING THE MAIL MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO HEALTH.

Here’s a look at how were all going to die horribly last week…

Monday

“OUR TOXIC TWIN – Will this week’s mission to Venus help Mankind prevent the Earth from becoming a similar hellish inferno of acid clouds and 200mph winds?”

“Epidemic of liver disease in binge-drinking girls”

“’Safer’ cigarettes still killers, warn experts” – British American Tobacco is developing a cigarette which, the company claims, would be less harmful then than normal fags

Tuesday

“Open door to MRSA” – Survey finds fewer than half of patients admitted to hospital are screened for the superbug

“Welly dangerous – Or how boots, cardigans, waste bins and pelmets have all put the unwary in hospital” – Survey says Wellington boots are a major cause of accidents in and around the home

“The bird flu attack – Magnified 100,000 times, how the killer bug rampages through a human lung

Wednesday

“Teenager ‘killed by his lip piecing”

“Pub jobs for nurses ‘frozen out’ by NHS” – newly qualified nurses unable to get jobs in the NHS are working in pubs

Thursday

“The silent sex disease blighting 1 in 10 lives” – one in ten of us is infected with Chlamydia

Friday

“Cannabis use trebles the chance of schizophrenia”

“Sleeping pills may be doing you harm” – Study finds older patients suffer side-effects, including dizziness, loss of balance and disorientation

“Feeling lonely? It’s all in your genes” – Researchers say much of our ability to feel lonely is inherited’

Posted: 12th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Strap Hanging

‘THERE’S safety in numbers. That’s why the papers love them. Here are some things we learned last week…

1 – Maaten van den Bergh is, according to the Times Power 100 survey, the most powerful man in British business. He’s the chairman of Lloyds TSB, and a non-executive director of BT, British Airways and Shell

3 – A poll by the British Heart Foundation found that more than one in three children aged between 8 and 14 don’t know what chips are made from. “It sends shivers down my spine to discover that so many children don’t even know what chips are made of,” says the BHS dramatically.

7 – Prince William showed he is even smarter than his brother by scoring seven out of ten in a test at Sandhurst. In the same test Harry scored four

7.2 – Gibson the Great Dane is the tallest tog in the world, standing 7ft 2in on his hind legs

40 – Venida Crabtree, 50, fanally passed her driving test after 40 attempts over a 33 year period

40-20-36 – Dolly Parton (those are her measurements) says when her breasts get too heavy to cart about she rests them on two bongo drums

50 – Fifty of the country’s top independent schools have been accused by the Office of Fair Trading of operating a fee-fixing cartel

50 – More than 50 per cent of secondary school pupils play truant from school in Education Secretary’s constituency of Bolton West

85.8 – Figures from the Office of National Statistics show that women living in Kensington and Chelsea, London, live the longest in the country – 85.8 years. The worst place in the UK is Glasgow where women average 76.4 years.

322 – Tony Blair’s Terrorism Bill was voted down by the Commons by 322 votes to 291

500 – While on stage at a Los Angeles charity event, a clasp on the back of Sharon Stone’s dress snapped. She auctioned the chance for one punter to step on stage and retie it. He paid $500 for the, er, honour.

5,000 – More than 5,000 serving police officers began legal action seeking compensation for the trauma they suffered during The Troubles in Northern Ireland

10,000 – Former Arsenal and England goalkeeper David Seaman, 42, raised £10,000 for charity by having his revolting ponytail cut off life on TV

12, 939 – A tooth said to be one of Napoleon Bonaparte’s was sold at auction to a British collector for £12,939

22,000 – Father of two Vic Moszczynski has spent 22,000 on Christmas lights to decorate his home

200,000 – Rapper P Diddy paid £200,000 to bling up his £14,000 van with a 32-inch TV, leather couch, mini bar, five smaller tellies, a fridge and some other must-have stuff

247,387 – David Sullivan has made his way the length of Britain from John O’Groats to Land’s End while hitting a golf ball. His 1,086-mile round took 70 days. He lost 293 balls on the way

300,000 – Each member of England’s squad for the World Cup in 2006 will receive up to £300,000 if the team wins the trophy

£460bn – the World Bank estimates the total cost of the world flu pandemic could cost £460bn – 2 per cent of global GDP’

Posted: 12th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Pete’s Lost It

‘PETE Doherty has lost it. No, not that – his passport. And the Sun says he’s “frantic”.

For all we know about Pete, frantic might be his preferred state of being. And, as the Sun says, right now Pete is frantically looking for his passport, without which he can’t fly to New York to see his true love, Kate Moss.

And this document is not without sentimental value. Aside from the obvious sense of national pride that swells in Pete’s bosom as he as clutches the red book to his chest and considers the rampant lion and wise message “DIEU ET MON DRIOT”, the passport features poems and drawings by Moss.

And do you know that if you doodle a pair of round glasses and a goatee beard on a passport-sized photo of Pete’s face, Doherty looks a little like the picture of Johnny Depp in the Mirror.

In his frantic state of mind, Pete may well seize up said photo of Depp and present it to the authorities at Heathrow Airport. And he might read the story that goes with it, and therein learn that Moss’s former lover is thinking about her.

Depp is upset that Moss has been dragged “through the mud” over her cocaine abuse. “Kate should live her life how she wants to,” says Depp. “She’s not running for office, she ain’t looking to be the next Messiah.”

To the Mirror this is “DEPP CHARGE – Johnny blasts fashion bosses for dumping Kate Moss over cocaine habit.”

Not that the actor actually mentions the fashion world. That’s just the Mirror’s interpretation of his words. And, yes, that is the Mirror that broke the story of cocaine Kate when it published clandestine pictures of the model in a private recording studio taking drugs.

And, of course, if Kate is being dragged through the mud, it’s mud that serves to make her skin brighter and more radiant. And you can see how good she looks in the Mirror and in the Mail.

In the Mail, readers and Depp learn that Kate has not been dumped by the fashion world.

The creative director for Burberry, which dropped Moss from a campaign when the drugs story broke, says Kate is absolutely still a part of our family”. And she’s just signed a deal with Roberto Cavalli. And her face is set to grace a new range of mascara by Rimmel.

Good for her. Or not. As Peter Stoker, Director of Drug Prevention Alliance, says: “The message is that Kate Moss can walk on water, even if it is awash with cocaine.”

If true, that would indeed make Moss something of the Messiah. And mean that, unlike Doherty, she needs no passport to cross the Atlantic…’

Posted: 11th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Fashion Policed

‘IF Kate Moss has taught us anything it is that fashion is of vital importance. Get the clothes right and the rest of your life falls into place without a hitch, a crease or a snag.

And it’s a message appreciated by our judiciary. As the Sun explains in headline form: “LET OFF TAG..BECAUSE IT DOESN’T GO WITH SKIRT.”

The Mail adds a few accessories to the basic story, and tells its readers about Natasha Hughes, an 18-year-old up before the Beak in Worcester.

Appearing in court, Hughes admitted breaching the terms of her bail curfew. Hughes was on bail having been accused of causing grievous bodily harm to another woman.

Hughes was in trouble. It looked bad. But she didn’t want it to look any worse and asked the magistrate to consider her outfit. You see, Hughes likes wearing skirts. And a tag would mean her needing to wear trousers or a shell suit to cover it up. And that would be too awful for words.

“I didn’t want to wear a tag because they are really bulky and embarrassing,” says Hughes in the Mail. “I like to wear skirts, which means people see it and it looks stupid.”

Can’t argue with that. And the presiding magistrate didn’t. Natasha could walk free, untainted by the Government’s last word in ankle bracelets.

To Paul Tonks, chairman of the West Midlands Police Federation, such an act “makes a mockery of the system”. Hughes’s MP, Michael Foster, says it’s “ridiculous”.

And we could not agree more. Which out-of-touch fashion-unconscious nerd thought any girl worth her Asbo would want to wear a large, bulky, black, electronic bracelet on her ankle? It needs proper consultation with the appropriate authorities.

The trick is to make tags a must-have item. The trick is to get Kate Moss to wear one. If she does, everyone will want one. And how cool will that be..?’

Posted: 11th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Whizz Kids

‘GIVE the police more powers! Let ‘em lock suspect up for 90 days!

Fair enough. But first things first. How about making sure they do their job properly in the first place. How about making sure that when giving a talk to hundreds of children at Butlins, Skegness, they don’t leave drugs in the nippers’ bags?

“HOW DOPEY!” says the Mirror, as it invites 10-year-old Kia Butterfield to hold aloft the packet of speed drugs officers deliberately put in her bag.

It was all such a simple plan. The officers would stand in front of 1,800 children and show them what drugs looked like.

The police would then place said drugs into the children’s bags. Then trained spaniels would sniff them out. The children would clap. The dogs would get a pat and perhaps a tickle. And everyone would go home as euphoric as a teenage clubber.

Only, the dog found just two of the three packets of amphetamine sulphate that had been secreted in Kia’s bags, leaving one behind for her homework.

“I still can’t get my head around this,” says Amanda, Kia’s mum, “an officer gave my daughter a bag of hard drugs.”

She goes on in the Sun to ask: “How could the police make a mistake like that?” Answer: easily.

It’s just a miracle that Kia wasn’t arrested and forced to spend the next 90 days in a home for young offenders…’

Posted: 11th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Winners Are Grinners

‘TONY BLAIR is beginning to fade. Soon all that will be left of him will be that grin.

He’s “ON HIS WAY OUT”, says the Express on its front page. “It’s the “BEGINNING OF THE END?” asks the Mail hopefully. “TRAITORS,” screams the Sun.

Hold on a moment, that’s a bit strong. Can you really call the MPs who voted against the Government’s new laws to combat terror, and the plan to hold terror suspects for 90 days without charge, enemies of the state?

“Congratulations to the rebel MPs,” says the Sun sarcastically. “Their act of treachery is a betrayal of the war on terrorism.”

Is it? Tony Blair and his Government were defeated, as up to 47 Labour MPs joined the Opposition in voting against the Terror Bill. And, in turn, the Sun failed in its efforts to get the law passed.

But surely not giving too much power to the State is a sign of strength not weakness – it’s likely the current 14-days limit on holding a terror suspect without charge will be raised to 28 days.

What happened to “We are not afraid” and all that post July 7 desire to carry on unchanged? Does giving the State more and more power help us? Or is it the behaviour of a country gripped by paranoia and fear?

The Sun then does something pretty appalling. Under “LOSERS” it mentions six victims of that heinous attack on London who the paper says have lost again with Tony’s defeat.

We say appalling because only one of the six, who are all pictured, actually expresses an opinion on the matter. June Taylor, who lost her 24-year-old daughter in the outrage, calls for terror suspects to be held for 900 days if necessary.

But Garri Holness, who lost part of his leg at King’s Cross, only says: “I will not let the bombers beat me.” Davinia Turrell, the so-called “girl in the mask” says nothing. Martine Wright who lost both her legs on July 7, says nothing. Philip Russell was killed. And Janet Foulkes, who lost her son David, says: “Grief is a horrendous thing.”

So much for the “LOSERS”, who are now deemed incapable of speaking for themselves. What of the “WINNERS”. There they are, all six of them: Osama bin Laden, Al-Zarqawi, Rev Ian Paisley, Clare Short, David Cameron and David Davis.

And, why, if it isn’t our old mucker, barking Omar Bakri. The Sun’s favourite mad mullah, the Tottenham Taliban, is a winner, and he’s back to gloat.

Jeering from his “bolthole” in Lebanon, Bakri rants: “I’m going to organise my bags and book my ticket so I can come back home… Tony Blair has been given a bloody nose. This is a sign that he should wake up and stop dreaming or he will see an uprising like that in France.”

Nice one, Bakri. The Sun can cool its disappointment at losing its 90-day campaign by knowing that one of its favourite newsmakers wants to return.

And it sure is good to see that Bakri’s still dribbling out his usual mixture of idle threats and complete nonsense. How the pigeons in the park must have missed Bakri’s daily address.

Even if we can still hear his voice long after his body has faded away…’

Posted: 10th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Calling Time

‘“WHAT’S the time, Mr Wolf?” asks the little loves in the playground. The wolf spins round, his chops slavering. “Time for you to get inside. I can’t get any rest with all your noise. Bloomin’ kids. In my day…”

We’ll leave Mr Wolf to get on with his tirade. And turn to the Express. There we learn that the wolf’s name is Jim Habens, and his home backs on to the Jigsaw Day Nursery at Locks Heath, Hampshire.

When Habens heard the little children asking Mr Wolf the time, he picked up a phone and rather than dialling the speaking clock, called Fareham Borough Council.

He’d had enough. The children were just too noisy. Why couldn’t they just get a watch like everyone else? He wanted quiet.

And now he’s got it. Thanks to this tetchy wolf, the 70 children aged two to five can now only play in the garden for an hour a day. And they must not be noisy. Asking “What’s the time, Mr Wolf?” is verboten.

Failure to comply with this directive could result in a noise abatement order, which carries a maximum fine of £5,000.

The children, as is always the way with such stories, are said to be “extremely upset”.

The poor lambs are no longer allowed to dash around in the pouring rain and chill winds all day. If they want to catch hypothermia, they’ll have to do it in their own time. Although we are told that shouting can help to keep you warm…’

Posted: 10th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Harry Spotter

‘A POX on Harry Potter and his legion of adult fans.

Ooer. We had no idea we too had the magic touch. We are unsettled to read in the Sun that the boy Potter has fallen under our spell.

It’s “Harry Potter”, says the Sun, as it zooms in on the boy wizard’s pimply face. “ACNE FOR DANIEL AS PARTIES TAKE TOLL ON WIZARD.”

Poor Daniel Radcliffe. Growing up’s hard without a snapper taking photos of your spotty face for a national paper.

And to have people comment on those zits must be awful. People like the “onlooker” who tells the paper: “He looked a long way from the fresh-faced young wizard in the films. He just needs a few early nights.”

And a spell with the make-up artist…’

Posted: 10th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Jabbing With The Right

‘WHETHER it’s rescuing Blackie the donkey, keeping Germans off our sunbeds or saving the great British conker, newspapers love a campaign.

The Express’s current campaign, which began yesterday, is to get Tony Blair to tell “THE TRUTH” about whether his son Leo had the single MMR vaccine – which has been linked with autism – or three separate jabs.

The front page is determined to get to “THE TRUTH”. “The Queen told the nation that her children had been vaccinated against polio…so why won’t Tony Blair come clean about Leo?” the paper asks.

The Express says the Prime Minister is under “growing pressure” to “come clean” after Dr Laurence Gerlis , billed as a “top Harley Street doctor” and “personal friend” of the Blairs, apparently told one of his female patients he “knew for a fact” Leo had been taken to France for the single jabs. (Even if yesterday Dr Gerlis told the paper he’d heard this alleged fact from another source, and can’t remember who.)

Inside the paper, there’s lots more on what the Express believes is a story of grave importance. “Blair should break his silence over Leo’s jab,” says the paper’s lead article.

Readers hear in another article how Cherie Blair’s half-sister Lauren Booth has spoken publicly about her refusal to give her daughter the single MMR jab.

And then there’s Julie Kirkbride, a Conservative MP, popping up like a rash of measles in two more stories. There’s an entire page given over to Julie (“Labour talks about ‘choice’ all the time but tries to lay down the law on MMR”).

Julie says this is a “vexed issue” that “won’t ever go away” – much like the Express’s obsession with Princess Diana. And she’s soon back on yet another story (“Queen told the nation her children had jabs. Now it’s the PM’s turn”). Julie says what’s good enough for Her Majesty should be more than good enough for the Blairs.

It’s certainly a cause the Express wants to champion, but before you commit to it know that it’s not the only campaign being waged. There’s the Sun’s continuing drive to get its readers to support the Government’s plan to allow terror suspects to be locked up for 90 days without charge.

The paper says a “whopping” 100,000 of its readers have called the papers hotline at 10p a shot to get behind Tony Blair. That’s a lot. The Sun’s Army has been mobilised. Although given the fact that around three million copies of the Sun are sold every day, 100,000 readers doesn’t sound much, especially if you factor in repeat callers and people looking to vote on the X Factor and misdialling. Perhaps the headline should read “Millions don’t back Sun campaign”?

We aren’t told how many readers back the Mail’s “CHRISTMAS KILLJOYS” campaign, just that it’s spotted yet another example of meddling, politically correct do-gooders spoiling the fun.

“Land of Hope and Glory is banned at war pals’ reunion,” says the paper’s headline. The story goes that as 200 evacuees were sat around Union Flag-bedecked tables “to celebrate the comradeship and camaraderie that had bound Britons together during those valiant years” of World War II, the plug was pulled.

Instead of being treated to a blast of Land Of Hope And Glory and There’ll Always Be An England, the Evacuees Reunion Association’s members were left with the sound of dumb silence.

The Warners holiday camp in Corton, new Lowestoft, had heard four songs already, and that was enough. Anxious not to offend other guests, they stopped the party.

“Can’t these people wait until our generation are dead before they take the pride out of the country?” asks association member Fred Taylor.

But with no hotline number to dial to answer Fred’s poser with a “yes” or a “no”, we can only guess…’

Posted: 9th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Tufty’s Tale

‘IF it’s not those over-paid, over-sexed and over here American GIs taking our women, it’s the American squirrel taking the nuts from our furry red pals.

The Express reports that we are involved in the “£1m race to save Tufty”.

Tufty is the native British red squirrel. And if you’ve not seen what he looks like, the Express has a picture of him sat on a tree eating a nut. Isn’t he cute. He’s far more attractive, demure and noble than that bolder, more active and brash grey American creature.

And now read how the North of England Red Squirrel Conservation Strategy plans to help the insurgent red squirrel fight back at the grey invader.

Swathes of countryside in the north of England, some of the last bastions of the reds, are to be populated with trees the greys don’t like.

As is the American custom, greys like huge portions, feasting on oversized acorns and beech nuts, the forest equivalents of the jumbo, deep-pan, thick-crust pizza and the Big Mac.

The British reds, who know a thing or two about rationing, are able to live off smaller seeds. The plan is that greys in the area will leave in search of places more to their liking, leaving the reds behind to thrive and live unmolested.

It’s a beautifully simple idea. And one that might have implications for the human world at large.

What works for squirrels may work for man, and those seeking to rid their lands of Americans might like to put down their arms and pick up their salad bowls.

Ban the over-sized portion, whether it be acorn or burger, and the American is sure to go…’

Posted: 9th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Yellow Fever

‘HEARING that George Best is alive is great news, not least of all for the papers, which love nothing more than relaying news of Best’s brushes with death to the masses.

It’s amazing that a swingometer showing the condition of the footballer’s liver doesn’t yet appear on the cover of one of the papers.

George fares badly, and the arrow swings to a picture of a jaundiced Homer Simpson; George is on the mend, and the arrow points to picture of a gamboges set of partly-closed curtains; George is well, and the arrow points the way to the Liver and Pickle public bar.

Today, George’s health arrow is on the curtains. The Mirror says he’s set to leave intensive care tomorrow – for the first time since his condition was said to be ‘as bad as it gets’.

Strictly speaking, in our medical terms, “as bad as it gets” in matters of health is dead. But George’s life is immersed in the language of football – where performances can be 110 per cent and players over the moon – that we should not dwell on the semantics and just rejoice in the news…’

Posted: 9th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Double Trouble

‘TONY Blair should be warned that agreeing to be questioned by mimic Jon Culshaw doing an impression of the Labour leader might not bode well.

Meeting your doppelganger is a prelude to imminent death rather than an invigorated political life. And then there’s the title of Culshaw’s TV show: Dead Ringers.

But assuming Tony presses ahead with the show, what will Culshaw ask him in this TV summit?

Tony Culshaw might like to ask Tony Blair why he’s taken to appearing on TV shows other than the news. Just recently Tony was on Football Focus. What next for Tony the celebrity? A stint on Strictly Come Dancing? A speaking part on EastEnders? A presenting gig on Songs Of Praise?

Culshaw might also like to ask Tony what he thinks of the Sun’s campaign to get its readers to back the new “Terror Laws”. Surely Tony would support the paper’s drive to get people on his side.

“TELL TONY HE’S RIGHT,” demands the Sun’s front page. “The Sun today calls on its army of readers to back Prime Minister Tony Blair and DEMAND 90-days detention for terror suspects.” The paper gives a number readers can dial to vote for Tony.

And if you don’t know what it is you’re in favour of, take a look at the Sun’s cover page. The sight of a bandaged and bloodied man looking numb with shock after the outrage of the July 7th bombs in London should get you dialling.

Not that Tony’s having it all his own way. Over in the Mirror, Baroness Kennedy, “lawyer and civil rights activist”, puts her “90 DAYS: CASE AGAINST” argument.

“The police claim they need 90 days to delve into computers, translate documents and make inquiries… What they really want is to have longer to interrogate,” says she.

Hmm. She makes a good point. But looking at the Sun’s front page, some readers might wonder what’s so wrong with that. Better perhaps if the cops dealt in a bit of light torture to loosen the suspects’ tongues. The quicker they speak, the quicker they can go, and the quicker the next suspect can be dealt with.

But Kennedy’s argument has substance. “A person’s mental resilience can be broken down over a long period of detention. But the innocent break down as readily as the guilty,” she says. She goes on: “And once on the statute books, laws tend to remain there. Terror laws usually expand to other areas of crime. So this law could be used against YOU tomorrow.”

That doesn’t sound too good. Especially if you’re innocent and just look like a suspect. Imagine if Culshaw turned out to be a rabid religious fundamentalist. Tony could end up in choky.

Crikey! It doesn’t bear thinking about…’

Posted: 8th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Sack It

‘AFTER yesterday’s news that Prince Harry is a “dunce” (Sun) comes today’s news in the Mail that he might not be all that thick after all.

The paper, which likes to keep its readers up to speed on Harry’s life, says the prince has pulled out of training at Sandhurst with an injured thumb.

While on the face of it this is not the type of injury that would normally stop a soldier in his tracks, it’s enough for Harry.

So instead of spending his day with his colleagues from Alamein Company stabbing stuffed hessian sacks in the guts, Harry was excused.

To our mind, this sounds like an entirely sensible way to behave. Running up and down in the cold and wet plunging an oversized knife into Worzel Gummidge cannot be overly good for your physical or mental wellbeing. Better to cite that injured thumb and get off.

But not everyone is as impressed as we are with Harry. “The paper says Harry’s earned the nickname sicknote.

But a Clarence House spokesman explains. “He hurt his thumb playing rugby the other day which is making it difficult for him to do certain tasks – and grabbing a rifle is one of them.”

For sure. But surely some other use could be found for young Harry. His presence would certainly add an exciting new element to those Hessian sacks…’

Posted: 8th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Plot Of Bother

‘“VICAR bans grave tributes,” says the Express in a story that is surely further evidence of a world gone mad and the PC are brigade running out of control.

The story goes that the Rev Cherry Vann (a name surely more suited to porn films than the clergy) has written a letter to Michaela Bate saying two complaints have been made against her daughter Carla’s grave.

Already this is an emotive tale. And the Express wants it to be nothing less, as it explains in no small detail how 13-year-old Carla was “mown down” by a drunk diver who’d been racing a Toyota MR2 sports car after a “10-hour booze session”. Those are the facts.

Tragic as this is, Mrs Vann is sympathetic to they who think the grave a little over the top. In the letter she writes: “Sadly, what some people see as being bright, happy and attractive, others see as untidy and ‘over the top’.”

But what of this offending grave? There it is, surrounded by toys, cards and flowers. Less sensitive souls than we might view the site as some kind of Christmas market stall.

But Mrs Bate will not be bowed. “I’ll exhume Carla’s ashes if I have to,” she says. And if she does, you can bet the Express will be there to watch.

“Vicar forces teenage body to be exhumed,” the Express’s headline will thunder. Yes, that will do nicely. And if the vicar turns out to be Muslim, so very much the better…’

Posted: 8th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Bill Of Rights

‘“BANG ‘EM UP!” demands the Sun’s front-page headline – words that could herald the news on any given day.

Today the headline is deployed in reference to June Taylor, whose 24-year-old daughter was murdered in the July 7th terrorist attack on London.

She’s outraged that the Government’s plan to allow those suspected of engaging in terrorist activities to be held without charge for 90 days is falling part.

“Police should be able to hold terror suspects for 900 days if it is necessary to prevent another terrorist attack,” says June.

She is furious. And in positioning the story on its front page, the Sun is keen to show that it shares her views. It is, as another headline inside the paper claims: “VICTORY FOR TERROR.”

The Sun’s editorial appeals directly to the MPs who voted against the Terror Bill in the first vote on the matter and so reduced Tony Blair’s Commons majority to one. “Those MPs need reminding that it is their fist duty to protect the voters who elect them,” says the Sun.

There’s even a “LIST OF SHAME” in which readers are invited to find their MP’s name among they who voted against the Bill.

The Sun asks you to write to these forgetful MPs, and to listen to Ann Widdecombe. “If we now end up with 28 days and someone on the 29th day goes out and kills someone, where will that leave us?”

It’s hard to say. But perhaps in a similar spot than if we end up with the full 90 says and someone on the 91st day goes out and kills someone, or everyone.

But if the distraught mother of a victim of a heinous crime, a Tory MP and the reasoned voice of the Sun are not enough to have you screaming “BANG ‘EM UP!” like a London cabbie, then here’s some more news.

The paper says that a poll on Sky TV found that 72 per cent of fans of Star Trek, The Simpsons and live Premiership football want the present 14-day limit for detaining a suspect increased to 90.

You can’t argue with that. To do so would be plain wrong. Indeed, if you do, you should most probably be banged up. Forever!’

Posted: 7th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

In The Bag

‘NOT only has Camilla Duchess of Cornwall a bigger bosom than the late Princess Diana, but she makes a better job at “eating for England” than her predecessor.

Indeed, if you had to pick a person to eat for the nation, the list of those you’d least want to represent the country in the Blue Riband event would surely include the svelte Diana.

Better to stick with Camilla. As the paper says, while visiting an organic market in Point Reyes, a town 30 miles north of San Francisco, Camilla ate her way through an apple, some Mount Tam cheese, green beans, wild smoked salmon, a dash of sparkling wine and a glass of beer.

As the Mail says above a picture of Camilla in trousers and matching jacket: “Camilla suits the lean, hungry look.”

But while we get to look at Camilla eating, the papers don’t tell us what Charles got through, although the Express does show him holding a jar of foaming beer.

And whereas Camilla is shown to be on the point of sipping her brew, or downing it in one, Charles looks distracted. Might it be that he didn’t drink it?

Judy Borello, landlady of the Old Western saloon bar, relives the great moment when she poured Charles a pint of Boothammer ale.

“He’s a prince of a fella,” says Judy. “He let me share his pint.”

Sharing a pint? Perhaps Judy thought this was some quaint British custom, like holding open a door for a lady and throwing your cloak over a puddle so your beloved can walk through it without wetting her Doc Martens boots.

But back in binge-drinking Blighty we fear the sight of a man sharing his pint with a lady suggests something entirely different.

Did he mention how Camilla was wearing the trousers..?’

Posted: 7th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Mr Potato Head

‘WHAT Prince Harry would make of his father sharing a beer with a woman can only be guessed at.

That’s if Harry thinks of very much at all. As the Sun says, Harry’s a “dunce”.

He’s nothing like his older bother William. Whereas Harry scored a paltry four out of ten in an Army intelligence test, William achieved a creditable seven.

This earns Harry the nickname “Forest Chump”, and causes “stunned officers” at Sandhurst military academy to conclude that Willis is “athletic, well co-ordinated and quite bright”.

And for the none-too-smart Sun to announce in headline form: “WILLIAM TWICE A BRIGHT AS HARRY.”

But wile the Sun multiplies four by two and gets seven, the Express says that Wills and Harry will need their wits about them when they are being pelted by potatoes.

The Express says that as part of the pair’s Army training, they will be confronted by a large angry mob hurling spuds at their heads. And Harry’s first up.

The potatoes are used to replicate rocks and other missiles Harry and his fellow recruits will have to face should they be confronted by a violent demonstration.

And it’s no small matter. As Sandhurst spokesman Lt Col Roy Parkinson explains: “If they don’t keep their shields up they can end up with some nasty bruises…Spectators can’t believe how frightening it is.”

Although surely not as unnerving for boisterous young Harry as seeing his dad with that pint…’

Posted: 7th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Bum Deal

‘THERE’S safety in numbers. Here are 18 things we learned last week…

0.85 – You are less likely to have a hearty attack if the ratio of your waist to your hips is 0.9 for men and 0.85 for women

2 – David Blunkett has now resigned form the Cabinet twice in the past year

4 – Steven Windless discovered doctors had left 4 feet of wire in his body after an operation ten years ago. He noticed when bit of the wire poked through his neck as he was driving

5 – Amendments to the Road Safety Bill mean drivers who kill while talking on a mobile telephone or failing to pay proper attention to the road could face up to five years in jail

10 – Paul Brown, of the Cumbria Alcohol and Drug Advisory Service, says he has treated a 10-year-old child addicted to alcopops

11.56 – Prison chiefs have hired pagan priest Ian Edwards at a rate of £11.56 an hour plus expenses to visit inmates at Kingston Prison, Portsmouth

18 – Immigrants need 18 right answers from 24 questions to pass the new Britishness test

20 – Camilla took 20 staff and 50 dresses with her for her trip to the USA with Prince Charles

25 – The price of orange and apple juice is likely to rise by 25 per cent due to hurricanes says The British Soft Drinks Association

56 – Paris Hilton’s mega-rich boyfriend Stavros Niarchos is reported to have amused himself and pals on a night out in Los Angles by offering a tramp £56 to pour a fizzy drink over his own head

150 – Jason Evans was fined £150 and given three points on his licence after he drive his car through a puddle and accidentally splashed a council workman

150 – Delivery driver Dennis Williams was given a £25 ticket for parking his white van on a double yellow line in Wales. He threw away the ticket and received a £150 fine for dropping litter

800 – The Rev Kyle Lake, of University Parish Church, Waco, Texas, was killed before 800 worshippers by an electric shock after grabbing a microphone while baptising a woman in water

1,400 – The fist Christian Church is to be built in Qatar since the arrival of Islam in the 7th century

2,000 – Bolton Wanderers footballer Ivan Campo flies makes the round trip from Manchester to Madrid to get his hair cut

5,200 – A signed watercolour of a German postman by Hitler was sold at an auction in Cornwall for £5,200

10,000 – Former Arsenal and England goalkeeper David Seaman is hoping to raise £10,000 for charity by having his laughable ponytail cut off

17,000 – American Gail O’Toole could be fined £17,000 for glueing her cheating boyfriend Ken Slaby’s penis to his stomach as he slept. She also glued a testicle to his leg and his buttocks together

26,000 – The American military estimates that 26,000 Iraqis have been killed or injured by insurgents since January last year

340,000 – The light blue 1975 Ford car owned by Pope John Paul II was bought at auction by John O’Quinn, a Houston lawyer, for £340,000

150 quadrillion to 1 – Forensic expert Carmen Eckhoff said the chances of blood found at the scene of murdered British backpacker Peter Falconio belonging to anyone other than the accused, Bradley Murdoch, were 150 quadrillion to 1′

Posted: 5th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

HEALTH WARNING

‘BE afraid. Be every afraid. And if you’re not afraid, read the Mail. It will scare you shitless. Here are a few headlines from the Mail’s week of horror stories.

“MMR safe? Baloney? This is one scandal that’s getting worse” – Monday

“The obesity timebomb – We’re told it’s the great health hazard of our age. But what ARE the long-term effects on the body of eating too much? Decade by decade we reveal the problems you could be storing up” – Tuesday

“Britain risks shortfall of anti-bird flu drugs” – Wednesday

“Binge drinking fuels rise in sex infections” – Thursday

“Nurses who can’t speak English ‘put patients in peril’” – Thursday

“Cancer patients’ waiting list ‘will lengthen’” – Friday

“Could electric appliances be damaging your health?”’

Posted: 5th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Wade-ing In

‘MONEY makes the world go round. Or is that love? Just in case, we’ve singed a pre-nuptial agreement, and are now free to let love conquer all.

But even love in its most clichéd forms has limitations. The Mirror’s front page looks on as EastEnders hardman Ross Kemp and his wife, Sun editor Rebekah Wade, see their love reach breaking point. And snap!

“BISH!” says the Mirror’s front page. “EastEnders hardman Ross battered by his Missus.

“BASH! EastEnders hardman Steve battered by HIS ex-Doris.

“BOSH! Are the EastEnders hardmen just a pair of big girls’ blouses?”

Or are they actors, of the type that put on make-up, prance around in tights and do whatever the director tells them to, whatever the part demands. You decide.

And while you’re working that out, see if you can guess which of these so-called hardmen features on the Sun’s cover.

Is it the one the Mirror tells us is married to the Sun’s female editor? The one who was given a split lip by said editor, a woman who was arrested and taken to the police cells as a result of her part in this alleged assault? The one married to the editor who, as the Mail and Mirror remind us, has waged a long-running campaign against domestic violence?

The one involved in the story the Mail says is “tailor made for a red-top tabloid”. The one involves in a story that features a soap actor, violence and an ex-Cabinet minister – David Blunkett, a personal friend of Wade’s, had paid a visit to the Sun’s offices just before she left to a party with Kemp?

Or does the Sun lead with the story about the other one, the hardman who’s been accused of dogging by his wife?

Correct? “EastEnders hardman beaten by lover,” says the Sun’s front page. “The ex-lover of EastEnders hardman Steve McFadden was nicked yesterday for punching him in the face.”

Before we go on, can anyone believe this amazing coincidence? The on-screen brothers who’ve both just retuned to the soap are making front-page news.

If we were of a suspicious mind, we might start looking for the PR angle. It’s life mirroring art – or at least life mirroring EastEnders’ barely intelligible dabs.

But we aren’t. And instead of looking for a plot, we just enjoy the story.

“TROUBLE & STRIFE,” says the Sun’s headline, the paper looking on as Angela Bostock gives McFadden her best shot.

The story goes that McFadden went to collect his stuff from Bostock’s garage. She came out of the house. “Angela was in a complete state,” says a friend. “She came tearing out of the house and thrust their baby daughter Mollie into Steve’s arms. She then whacked him across the face, as he was holding the baby.”

Oh, and, incidentally, the Sun says Rebekah Wade was released without any charge or caution. And Kemp has “won millions of new viewers” after returning to the soap. “It was a lot of fuss about nothing,” says Kemp. “It was just a silly row,” says Wade.

In any case, get a load of that McFadden character. Tsk! That really is the big story…’

Posted: 4th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment