Rear Admiral

‘ANOTHER day, another outfit. And it’s off to the States with the Mail to see an Admiral trying to walk the ever-fragrant Camilla through a window.

It’s hard to believe our eyes as we see the Mail’s pictures of Vice-Admiral Richard H Carmona becoming something of the Rear Admiral as he slides a hand around Camilla’s back.

Carmona then ushers Camilla – dressed for the occasion in a dark blue dress – towards the medical establishment at Bethesda, Maryland. “He then tried to walk her through a plate-glass window,” says the Mail’s man on the scene.

Camilla might well move in mysterious ways, especially when she was having an affair with Charles, but even she would surely have come a cropper if she’d crashed into so much glass.

But disaster was averted. To a cry of “Nooooo!” (surely “Whoaah!”) from the assembled photographers, Camilla was brought up short. The Duchess reared up about three inches from the 8ft high sheet of glass. “If I go any further I’ll break my nose,” the Sun hears her say.

Happily she did not. Indeed, as one onlooker tells the paper: “She turned the whole thing into a hilarious joke.”

But before Camilla goes for an encore and dangles a foot over the edge of the Grand Canyon or sticks her head into the gaping maw of one of Siegfried and Roy’s tigers, there is work to be done.

The Mirror looks on as Camilla and Charles dutifully turn up for a gala dinner at the White House. Camilla, now clad in shiny red, is seen showing Charles what the Admiral had taught her.

“BUTT OUT,” shouts the paper as Camilla places a hand on Charles’s royal seat. “Yee-ha!” says the thought bubble coming from Camilla’s head in the Sun. “Nice buns, Your Princeship.” Charles: “Blimey! One trusts that’s Camilla…”

A navy man like Charles can never be too sure, or too careful. And with his buttocks nestled safely into a chair, it’s back to the Mirror to see Charles sharing a drink with President Bush.

“So many people…look to the United States for a lead on the most crucial issues that face our planet and indeed the lives of our grandchildren,” says Charles to his host. “Truly, the burden of the world rests on your shoulders…”

Bush’s response is not mentioned. But it’s rumoured to have gone: “Grandchildren! Whayameen gran-kiddies?! Get Barbara and Jenna in here nah!”’

Posted: 4th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Compensation Culture Vultures

‘DID you have a nasty fall at work? Did you accidentally stab yourself in the eye with a fork in the work’s canteen? Did a nasty paper cut in the accounts department force your head to be amputated at the neck?

We’ve all heard them, those messages to the bed-bound and damaged that appear on day-time telly.

Wince as Clive falls off that ladder. Shudder as Joyce slips on a greasy floor. Worry no more as Ambulance Chasers Inc. fights your corner on a no win, no fee basis. Then sit back in traction and wait for the cash to come rolling in on a trolley with your lunch.

But it’s all set to end. The Mail says the Lord Chancellor is preparing new legislation that will curb the so-called compensation culture.

Lord Falconer, for it is he, says ambulance chasing is having a detrimental effect on the way we live our lives.

“People believe there are certain things you can’t do because you might be sued,” says he. “Public authorities don’t open spaces because they might be sued.” For shame. “People do not do school trips because they fear they might be sued.” Terrible.

“People don’t sign up to work for voluntary groups like the Boy Scouts and Girls Guides because they fear they might be sued.” Things must change.

“There is somebody who says you have to wear goggles to play conkers, and that is not encouraging conker playing.” And with the London Olympics only seven years away, that will never do.

Add to this those people who tell you not to smoke in a pub that serves food, what you should feed your children and how many bottles you can take into the shower, and you have a world gone mad…’

Posted: 4th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Suffer The Children

‘IS it Christmas or Xmas? It’s the big question.

Christmas links the festival with Jesus Christ. Xmas makes the festive season sound what marketing types would call edgy, funky and above all sexy.

In short, is Christmas about religion? Or is it about shopping, binge drinking and photocopying your backside at the office Christmas do?

The Express is of the opinion that it’s Christmas, a time of religious fervour and praise be to God. But no one religion is everyone’s religion, so it’s been “BANNED”.

As the paper’s front page says: “BANNED – CHRISTMAS GIFTS FOR CHILDREN.” There then follows the tagline: “We mustn’t upset non-Christians.”

News is that staff at the Inland Revenue, that veritable haven of largess and goodwill to all men, have been told they cannot take part in Operation Christmas Child.

The Express says that every year thousands of people across the country “fill shoe boxes with gifts for the poor and homeless aboard”. The booty is then despatched to a million youngsters across Eastern and central Europe.

That’s nice. But while children in Blighty wonder what toy worth its batteries can be fitted inside a shoe box other than shoes, a dead mouse and an old tennis ball – a PlayStation and a crate of alcopos are just too big – the Express is outraged.

This year the needy will not be getting anything from those nice people at the Revenue; and it’s because the programme offends the Government’s “diversity” policy.

And this, as the paper tells its god-fearing readers, comes on top of the news that Lambeth Council has ordered that seasonal decorations be known as “winter” or “celebrity” lights as the word “Christmas” is not inclusive and upsets other faiths.

Although, later the Express says that this directive has been rescinded after Express readers “flooded our hotline in outrage”. As we’re told: “Ninety-eight per cent of readers who phoned demanded that Christmas traditions must be preserved.”

Perhaps Express readers who take part in the paper’s daily phone vote – a thing more loaded than a gang of hens in Faliraki – can put an end to the “Scrooge taxman”?

The Mail hopes so. On a bauble, it’s written “CHRISTMAS KILLJOYS”. And to really drum the message home it’s equipped its piece (“Revenue bosses ban send-a-toy charity over Christmas links”) with a shot of a child in Azerbaijan holding a wrapped up shoe box.

We don’t get to see the look of delight when this little lad opens his gift and discovers it contains a self assessment form and a sticker saying “Blessed are the tax collectors for they are good”.

We are only told that this is a gift. And at Christmas time, a gift is what it’s all about…’

Posted: 3rd, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Blanket Coverage

‘WHO wouldn’t want to be a fly on the wall when Prince Charles met President Bush?

Although, given the academic credentials of the two men, the fly might have felt the conversation beneath him and buzzed off.

And there are Chas and Dubya in the Mail, posing for photographs with their fragrant wives Camilla and Laura at the White House.

After a lunch of celery soup and lemon soul, the foursome visited a local boarding school for children from disadvantaged backgrounds. It was then back to the White House to put the world to rights at a black tie dinner dance.

And this was surely what everyone was waiting for. Would Camilla do a Diana and take to the floor with John Travolta? As the paper says, it’s almost 20 years to the day since Di “captured the hearts of the American people” as she danced with the actor.

If Camilla did foxtrot, rumba or bodypop, we aren’t told. But we do learn, via the Sun, that for the previous night’s “star-studded charity bash” in New York, Camilla wore a blue velvet dress.

That’s important. As is the fact that Camilla clutched to her bosom a sequinned Union Jack handbag. “I’m flying the flag for Great Britain,” said a beaming Camilla.

The paper says Camilla “wowed” the party. Guest Marie Pelman says: “Camilla dazzled us…It was obvious she was making a declaration, she’s the new girl on the block.”

Not the chopping block, of course. Lopping royal heads off went out of fashion years ago. Rather like Camilla’s dress.

And that’s not our opinion, but that of the New York critics the Express says have labelled Camilla “Frump Tower”, in reference to the city’s Trump Tower.

The New York Post’s fashion editor Orly Healy takes one look at Camilla’s outfit and says that Diana “would be amused”. She calls the dress “fussy”. Camilla looked like an “escapee from the choirboy pews of Westminster Abbey”.

But however bad the dress, it’s surely a step up from a blanket…’

Posted: 3rd, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Name & Number

‘“I NEED ARREST,” puns the Sun’s headline above the news of the country’ most prolific copper.

For the record, this cop is former South African policeman Diederik Coetzee, and he’s just felt his 309th collar of the year.

Armed with a canister of CS gas, a baton and mountain bike, PC Coetzee, 48, has set a new record for the number of criminals caught in a single year.

To the Mail, Coetzee is “living proof” that bobbies on the beat cut crime. And without the “horrendous” paperwork this super cop thinks he could have easily doubled that total.

“It’s not my place to say how Britain is policed, but an officer staying in the same place for a number of years gets to know everybody,” says Coetzee, who has been pounding the beat on the Ladybrook estate in Mansfield, Nottinghamshire, for the past five years.

Coetzee has no ambitions to set Government policy, only to catch more villains. The man the Express calls “the Enforcer” aims to take his tally to 380 by year’s end and to surpass the magical 400 barrier in 2006.

We wish him the very best of luck with his mission to purge the streets of wrongdoers.

But a word of warning – tough talking David Blunkett is back on the job market, and if the former Home Secretary turns to policing, Coetzee’s record could be under threat…’

Posted: 3rd, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Best End

‘“THE BEST EVER,” says the Sun’s headline in deepest black ink. “5,000 FANS SEE LEGEND COLLAPSE.”

Put these two statements together and it sounds very much like George Best, the legendary footballer, and yet more legendary drinker, has dribbled his last.

But it’s not George who’s died. As the Star says, the ailing former footballer managed to give his agent Phil Hughes a big smile and nodded that he was feeling better as he was hooked up to a kidney dialysis machine.

That’s just great news. But if Best is doing fine, which sporting legend has gone to that big awards dinner in the sky?

It’s none other than racing thoroughbred Best Mate, whose long face hangs over the Mail’s front page like a chestnut pall.

“Britain’s favourite racehorse collapsed and died during a race yesterday,” says the caption. “It’s the tragedy of best Mate.”

Inside the paper, spread out over two pages, Mail readers get to see Best Mate die from a heart attack. In front of punters at the William Hill Hadon Gold Cup Chase, Exeter, age caught up with the racehorse.

Like an equine Jock Stein – the Scotland football manager who famously died from a heart attack during a game against Wales – Best Mate’s final act was played out at a sporting venue.

Over four pictures readers get to see Besty totter, fall, slump and then die. It’s a similar macabre scene in the Sun, where Best collapses at the last.

The paper’s Claude Duval, billed as “THE PUNTERS’ PAL”, says Best Mate was “simply the greatest”. Oh? “If he had been a boxer, he would have been Ali. A footballer, he would have been Pele. A golfer, Tiger Woods.”

And if he’d been a comedian, he’d have been Tommy Cooper…’

Posted: 2nd, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Mr & Mrs

‘EVER since Brad Pitt met Angelina Jolie the papers have been full of rumour and speculation.

But now we have what Americans like to call closure. As the Star’s front-page headline screams: “BRAD AND ANGELINA WED IN SECRET.”

To prove the validity of its scoop, the Star produces a picture of Ange in a white wedding dress and veil and Brad standing to her side dressed in a smart suit and a buttonhole.

It’s traditional wedding attire, although not necessarily for the Buddhist ceremony that united the A-list twosome.

Nor is such a do all that official. As a “Hollywood source” tells the Star: “They exchanged vows in a Buddhist ceremony – which isn’t legally binding – but in Brad’s eyes, they’re married.”

So, as the sources say, he’s taken to wearing a gold wedding band. And Ange’s been speaking about Brad being her “husband”.

How much of this is true, we cannot be certain. The problem with secret wedding ceremonies is that they are secret, making it hard to establish the facts.

But not to worry, because if you missed the wedding this time, and weren’t among the “few family and friends” lucky enough to score an invite, you will get your chance to see the official wedding sometime soon.

As a source tells the Star, it won’t be too long before the couple legally marry in the States.

Even if they’re already married in the Star…’

Posted: 2nd, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Club Foot

‘“IF your name’s not down your not coming in,” barks the charmless club bouncer. “And no Prada trainers.”

It’s true. The Sun says that doormen at Manchester’s Sugar Lounge nightclub have been ordered to refuse entry to any punters wearing the expensive designer footwear.

It seems local gangs have adopted the trainer as part of their uniform.

The paper says this is potentially bad news for Sienna Miller and Madonna, who own such shoes. And it might be disappointing to Stan Collymore.

Not that Collymore’s has much trouble getting into clubs; the former footballer’s problem is staying in them.

The Star says that Collymore was allowed into the Woolshed club in Cairns, Australia, where he became involved in a row that got him thrown in jail.

Eyewitnesses accuse Collymore of being “blind drunk, abusive and a pain in the arse”. It’s also alleged that he called a local a “paki” and a “wog”.

The club’s bouncers asked Collymore and the group of Brits he was arguing with to leave. Collymore refused. Police were called. And Collymore is said to have asked them: “Don’t you know who I am.”

Had the Star been around it could have given Collymore a full answer to his question, telling him and the police that he was Collymore the former England footballer, Collymore the man who beat up ex-lover Ulrika Jonsson and Collymore the dogger.

But the Star was not on hand to help. Unable or unwilling to answer, the police bundled Collymore into the back of a squad car.

And now Collymore is Collymore the accused – he’s been ordered to appear before magistrates on Friday to face a public order charge.

And he might be wearing trainers…’

Posted: 2nd, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

A British Farce

‘LONG gone are the days when you could spot a Briton by his civilising manner, bowler hat and stiff upper lip. These days John Bull swears in public, wears a chavtastic Burberry cap perched on his head and emotes like a banshee in therapy.

Immigrants should be aware of this change in the look of the typical British gent lest they stand out from the crowd when taking the new Britishness test. They wouldn’t want to turn up to one of the 90 test centres looking ridiculous.

And turn up they must. As the Sun says, from today immigrants must pass the Government’s test if they are to become UK citizens.

And don’t worry if you fail the 45-minute exam because, as the Express says, you can keep on taking it so long as you pay the £34 administration fee.

Not that you’ll fail. The Express says it’s easy. Wannabe Brits will not need to know anything about British history as they’ll only be tested on day-to-day life.

To Shadow Home Secretary David Davis this is just too awful. “It is a disgrace that the sample questions seem to show there will be nothing about British history in the test. Understanding British history is crucial to understanding how our country works in practice today.”

That it does. Immigrants need to know about our relationship with the Germans if they are to sing about “Two World Wars and One World Cup” at football matches like a native. History will help them understand why the Scots have their own parliament, and why Geordies sound like they’re speaking Danish.

But the real complaint is that the test will only be compulsory for those with a good grasp of English. Those who can’t speak a word of their adopted country’s idiom will not be required to take the test. As the Sun says, all they’ll need do to qualify for a British passport is to attend an English for Speakers of Other Languages course.

To the Express this is a “farce”. But however absurd there’s no need for immigrants with decent English to put on a dumb show. The Mail says passing this test is “as easy as ABC”.

The exam, based on a 145-page pamphlet, Life in the UK, written by Sir Bernhard Crick, is not exactly onerous. As Tony McNulty, the Immigration Minister, explains in the Sun: “I don’t want the bar set too high to deter people from applying.” Quite so.

And to encourage new arrivals to make the effort, here are a few of the 24 multiple choice questions in the test. You’ll need 18 correct answers to pass.

Question: “Where does Father Christmas come from?” Answer: “A) Lapland; B) Iceland; C) The North Pole.” Tricky perhaps for a Sudanese Muslim, but a walk in the tundra for Icelanders and Eskimos.

Question: “How old must you be to buy a lottery ticket?” Answer: “A) 21; B) 18; C) 16.”

Question: “Did Tony Blair lie in the build up to the Iraq war?” Only joking. That’s an example of our fabled British sense of humour. Something else any immigrant will have to get used to…’

Posted: 1st, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

The Kate Escape

‘“IS it illegal to possess crack cocaine?” asks the Government in its new Britishness test, as the Express reports. “True or false?”

The answer is “false”. That’s easy for an upstanding citizen like you to get right. But not everyone will be so sure. Models and drug smugglers could get it wrong.

Might it be that the South American villains captured with so much cocaine in Caribbean waters on the “HIGH SEAS” are ignorant of British law? The Sun’s front-page news (“OUR BOYS AMAZING SWOOP – NAVY IN £200M COKE BUST”) reinforces what we know, but probably comes as a shock to the captured cocaine traders.

And then there’s Kate Moss. The Sun says cocaine Kate is “fleeing” her home in London – “to escape her old druggie haunts as she fights to stay off cocaine.”

Kate’s leaving St John’s Wood, that sink of vice, boutiques and mums in 4x4s, and moving to a farmhouse in the Cotswolds.

And her posse is not invited. The Sun says Kate’s hired two former SAS minders to keep drugs dealers and the likes of Peter Doherty away.

As a source explains: “She was involved with some nasty, seedy characters. Now she’s fighting to keep custody of her daughter, she can’t risk being associated with those people.”

She wants to be a good citizen. She wants to pass the test…’

Posted: 1st, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Black Looks

‘WHEN she’s not flogging easy credit on TV, Kate Winslet is shrinking. The big star is, as the Mail says she is: “The incredible shrinking Kate.”

The paper looks on as Winslet arrives at the New York premier of her latest film Jarhead. And her appearance has got everyone talking.

“What has happened to the ‘take me as I come girl’ whose sexy curves were as much her signature as her peaches and cream complexion?” says one onlooker.

These Americans really do like to talk. A British stargazer might have simply said, “She’s lost weight”, but in America words come easy.

And here are some more comments from the crowd. “It’s a shame she has felt compelled to conform to the mould of all Hollywood’s leading ladies and lose those curves.”

But we shouldn’t be too quick to judge. As the Mail’s shots of Winslet show, the actress is wearing a skintight black lace dress.

Yes, black. That’s the colour proved by scientists to make you look slimmer. It says so on the Express’s front page.

To illustrate this breakthrough, the Express shows two pictures of Charlotte Church. In one, she’s wearing a satin gown that makes her look ample enough to win the Rear of The Year title for the nest five years.

In the other picture, Church is dressed in black. Her figure has been minimised. Those “brainy boffins” at New Scientist magazine are right. Darker fabrics do make it harder to see those unsightly bulges.

Might it be that Winslet has done a Church and hidden her fleshier bits beneath so much black, the colour palette’s equivalent of an airbrush?

We cannot be certain. But you can bet the Mail will keep watching Winslet until it finds out…’

Posted: 1st, November 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

He’s Having A Baby

‘THERE’S safety in numbers. Here are 18 things we learned last week…

2 – Paula Dadswell waited two hours to have her sick baby seen at South Tyneside District Hospital while the doctor rode up and down on a unicycle

9 – Catherine Zeta Jones refused to kiss husband Michael Douglas for 9 months after their first date.

29 – Single-person households now account for 29 per cent of all UK homes compared to 18 per cent in 1971

48 – Japanese artist Tomoko Takahashi was given a £5,000 grant to drink 48 bottles of lager and then try to walk across a balancing beam at the Government-funded Chapter Arts Centre, Cardiff

56 – Paramedic Dennis Ryan was fined after he was caught doing 56mph in a 40mph zone while driving a patient with a broken neck to hospital in an ambulance

66 – There has been a 66 per cent rise in repossession orders against homebuyers across the country since last year

78.59 per cent of Iraqis voted in favour of the country’s draft constitution in a referendum. There was a 63 per cent turn out

92 – Rosa Parks, whose refusal to give up her seat on an Alabama bus to a white man led to the civil rights movement, died aged 92

500 – Thierry Henry paid £500 to have his baby daughter’s umbilical cord frozen as a medical precaution in case she ever falls seriously ill

2,000 – Staff Sergeant George Alexander became the 2,000 American soldier to lose his life in Iraq since the invasion of March 2000

17,000 – Cherie Blair was reported to have been paid £17,000 for speaking at a gala dinner for the children’s Cancer Institute Australia. The charity received just £6,774

38,750 – Geraint Davies, the then Labour MP for Croydon Central, billed £176,026 in expenses for year between April 2004 and March 2005. This included a whopping £38,750 for postage

49,000 – Two leaky taps and a broken loo on an unoccupied traveller’s site in Somerset landed council tax payers with a £49,000 water bill

85,000 – The Senate Permanent Sub-committee on Investigations said it had tracked £85,000 in Iraqi oil money to George Galloway’s wife’s bank account in Jordan

9,000,000 – The National Health Service trusts have spent £9million on art in the past two years

25,000,000 – Elvis Presley earned £25million last year, making him the world’s highest earning resting celebrity. Elvis earned more than Charles Schulz ((£19m), John Lennon (£12m) and Marilyn Monroe (£4.5m)

30,000,000 – BP makes more than £30million profit a day

203,000,000 – Government spending on advertising rose by £14million to £203million a year in 2004-2005′

Posted: 31st, October 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Night Of The Living Dead

‘FORGET dressing up as a ghoul or a goblin this Halloween. Instead, put on a woolly V-neck sweater, some sensible golf trousers and a pair of driving gloves and take to the streets. You are now the most terrifying thing around – you are a Mail journalist.

The Sun has a go at being scary, and announces on its front page: “CHUNNEL GUN FARCE.” It says it smuggled a pistol into the country using the Channel Tunnel – “just like Harvey Nichols killer Michael Pech.”

The paper reminds us how “evil” Pech brought the gun into the country and then used it to murder shop assistant Clare Bernal before killing himself. And now the Sun has performed the same trick. How scary is that?!

And then there’s the Mirror’s front-page news that Soham child killer Ian Huntley is “feared” to be plotting to escape prison with the aid of a “notorious” inmate nicknamed “Houdini”.

Readers may care to note that this incarcerated Houdini character, armed robber Philip Riley, can’t be much of an escape artist. But he has fled custody a few times. And Huntley is a “monster”. So the story is something to be frightened about. It’s scary stuff. Boo!

But while the Sun and Mirror try hard to make us quake in our slippers, the scariest thing out there is the Mail. Here comes that slow, deliberate knock on your door. Ooer! The letterbox rattles open. Something’s being pushed through. It’s got writing on it. “HAULED TO COURT FOR DRIVING THROUGH A PUDDLE!” it howls.

Only the bravest can look. So we read on the Mail’s front page that Jason Evans has been taken to court and fined £150 for splashing a council workman when he drove through a puddle.

Having seen Evans drive through said puddle at around 15mph and splashed one of two men unblocking a roadside ditch, police followed him for two miles. They then pulled Evans over and charged him with “inconsiderate driving”. Evans was found guilty in court. He now has a criminal record.

That’s a scary story. And the Mail has lots more. Police officers are “prisoners of paperwork” it says. Cops have so many forms to fill in and reports to write they’re not able to pound the beat. They’re too busy typing to hear you scream. WhooaaaaH!

There is a “boom” in bankruptcies. They’re “on course to reach their highest levels since records began in the 1960s,” hoots the Mail’s hideous creature. You’re going to lose your money. Does that scare you? It should.

What about “Knife killer had just been freed from life sentence”? Where were the police when serial killer Anthony Rice struck again? Filling in forms? WhoooaaaH!

There’s a “binge drinking epidemic”. It’s coming your way. You can run but you can’t hide. And that’s if the bugs don’t get you first. “MMR safe? Baloney. This is one scandal that’s getting worse,” says Melanie Phillips. WhooooaaH!

And who says you’ll even make it to hospital. No-one’s coming to help you. This is “the lonely generation”. A financial services firm says pensioners are becoming more and more isolated, spending less and less time with their families.

And you kids can stop feeling safe. “How 100,000 children go missing every year,” says the Mail’s ghoul.

Ah! Make it stop. Make it stop! But it keeps coming. And now it’s mutated into a blonde woman with long legs and a demure smile. Eek! Look at how her head’s tilted to one side – it’s unnatural.

It’s Diana! And she’s making an appearance on the eve of Charles and Camilla’s trip to the United States. She’s back to haunt them. She’s back on Halloween..’

Posted: 31st, October 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Head Of States

‘THERE was a time not too far back when Camilla Parker Bowles was the scariest thing out there. How we booed, hissed and spat whenever her name was mentioned.

Now, she’s Camilla Windsor. She’s got Camilla chic. She’s no longer the evil mistress. Camilla’s married her man. She’s gone legit.

And Camilla’s off to the States. But before she leaves, the Mail wants to tell us what this reinvented woman really thought about Diana. According to a “trusted royal aide”, Camilla felt “nothing but contempt” for Diana. She used to call her “that mad cow”.

“She blamed Diana for everything,” says this aide. “She hated what Diana was doing to Charles and blamed her entirely for how low the Prince was when he came to Camilla for comfort.”

And don’t for a moment think Camilla was in any way jealous of the younger woman married to her lover. Apparently, Camilla mocked how Diana had gone from “scrawny” to “muscly”. She would also draw attention to Diana’s small bosom and her own larger chest.

Of course, comparisons are all too easy to make. And, as the Mirror reports, Camilla has been well advised against dancing during this American tour. How can she ever compete with that iconic image of Diana dancing with John Travolta at the White House in 1985? She can’t.

But Camilla can still do her utmost to be her best. As the Mirror reports in “CAMI££A”, the eight-day trip will cost the British taxpayer £250,000. Camilla is taking along 20 staff and 50 dresses. She will have one full-time hairdresser, 3 personal trainers and one make-up artist.

Looking good doesn’t come cheap. But it is necessary. As a senior courtier tells the Mirror: “Going to America is all about launching her as a figurehead”.

Not to mention a figure-hair, a figure-face and a figure-bosom…’

Posted: 31st, October 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Secs Appeal

‘AH, the Christmas party. It’s that time of year when the girl in accounts gives the boss a rise, the photocopier gets the bum’s rush and everyone dances to Hi-Ho Silver Lining.

But news is that such dos are things of the past. As the Mail explains, a survey by law firm Peninsular says up to 80 per cent of employers will not organise a company party this year.

As Mike Huss, an employment law specialist at the firm, explains: “Unfortunately, the combination of employees enjoying themselves and alcohol can turn sour, with the boss having to sort out the mess on a Monday morning.”

Almost two thirds of the 3,500 employers polled said they had sacked a staff member because of their behaviour at the Christmas bash. And 90 per cent say there is always a complaint of harassment after the do.

And it’s not just in the office the party’s over. As the Mirror reports, police in Newcastle have launched an anti-drunk campaign of just that name. The Party’s Over programme sees police locking up drunks before they get into trouble.

The “total policing” has led to an 18 per cent fall in serious assaults and a nine per cent reduction in minor arrests.

Says Northumbria Chief Constable Mike Craik: “We knew that being drunk played a big part in people getting into fights…by locking them up before that stage, we have been able to cut disorder dramatically and lower the volume of assaults.”

Little wonder Hazel Blears, the Home Office Minister, calls the scheme “brilliant”.

But it could be better. And we look forward to day when everyone is arrested at birth and held until they are either too old to drink, or Christmas has been cancelled…’

Posted: 31st, October 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Narcotics Unanimous

‘HANDS up who’s taken drugs in the past year. So that’s Pete Doherty, Kate Moss, not David Cameron, and another one…two…three – 11 million of you.

The Mail’s piece on “hard-drug Britain” makes for a heady read. Alongside a picture of Kate Moss and the news that she is to celebrate her release from drugs rehab with a big party is the story that one million of us took Class A substances last year.

Not all of those miscreants are believed to be friends of Moss, members of the so-called Moss Posse, although that cannot be ruled out entirely. Moss has a wide and varied circle of friends.

And we should never underestimate the power of a fashion leader like Moss to get people to do as she does: Moss wears a scarf, you wear a scarf; Moss takes cocaine, you take cocaine; Moss dates Pete Doherty, you snog that crusty-looking bloke playing the penny whistle in the shopping precinct.

But, as the Mirror reports, Moss is not yet returned to these shores. Her lawyers have apparently told police that their client will be back in time for Christmas, when snow falls in Santa’s grotto like so much cocaine in a celebrity toilet.

The paper hears friends say how Moss is staying in the States to avoid the “drug-fuelled” environment around the aforesaid Doherty and her “trendy set” in North London.

Not that this set is all that united. It’s not just drugs that have split them, but sex, too. And now, as the Mirror says on its front page, Sienna Miller is off on a luxury break to get over her split with Jude Law.

And on the paper’s page three we get to see “Sienna’s paradise hideaway”, a £1,300-a-night villa in the Maldives.

And the actress deserves a rest. As a source tells the paper: “She’s been sobbing herself to sleep most nights since her last run-in with Jude and she wanted to get as far away from London as possible.”

And far away from Paris, where witnesses tell the Mirror how Sienna “sobbed uncontrollably” and screamed, “Don’t go! Don’t go!” at Jude.

So she’s off to the Maldives, not technically the farthest place on the planet from old London town, but surely far enough away from Jude, his children’s nanny and the Moss Posse…’

Posted: 28th, October 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Indian Summer

‘WHY is it getting hotter? Yesterday was the warmest October 27 on record. Perhaps it’s got something to do with global warming? Or perhaps immigrants are bringing the warmer weather with them.

That’s something the Express might like to investigate. Can the paper find a correlation between each new arrival from overseas and a rise in the temperature? Does a Nigerian make it hotter for us than a Latvian? Can three chilly Swedes cancel out the rise in temperature triggered by two hot Pakistanis and an Albanian in a shawl?

Whatever the cause, let’s just enjoy the effects. You might like to do as Dannii, 18, from Coventry does and let the Sun’s rays caress as much of your naked skin as possible. Or behave like George Bowden from Leeds, spotted by the Sun enjoying the sunshine in a vineyard.

It’s even warm enough for the Mirror’s man on the beach to head to Brighton and show everyone his milk-bottle-white torso.

It’s a pretty hideous sight. But it might just be enough to restore the equilibrium and bring about the usual rain and grey skies we’ve come to love and know as our own…’

Posted: 28th, October 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Too Eager Beaver

‘IT sure is hot. It’s even hot enough for beavers. Look, there’s one in the Mail. He’s a fantastic swimmer, says the paper. He’s got razor-sharp front teeth.

And just look at those valves in his nostrils which allow him to keep cool under water for fifteen minutes.

But what’s the critter doing here? As the Mirror says, the native British species was hunted to extinction 500 years ago. Has the warm weather brought one back to life?

No. This beaver is one of six of the furry rodents (“77,400 hairs per square inch” – Mail) that Jeremy Paxton has released on his 500-acre estate in Gloucestershire.

Mr Paxton wants the animals to be reintroduced to Britain. Something the Sun’s topless Dannii is also keen on. “I love animals,” says she. “This is great news, just as nature intended.”

It’s all well and good for Dannii to go native, but Paxton’s no Mother Nature. And the Department for Environment and Rural Affairs is investigating whether or not Paxton has a licence to release the animals into the wild.

A spokesman for Defra says in the Mirror: “The Eurasian beaver is not a species ordinarily resident in Great Britain. Mr Paxton will therefore be committing an offence if he releases any beaver from captivity.”

But Paxton wants to do for the beaver what others have tried to do for the red kite, the white-tailed eagle, the great bustard and the pool frog.

“The main reason I’m doing this is that I want to repopulate the UK with beaver,” says he. Well, why not – humans haven’t been all that great for the country, so let’s give a different species a turn…’

Posted: 28th, October 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Street Fight

‘AFTER the National TV Awards must come the National TV Awards party. And the Sun was there to see what occurred when “fuming” Coronation Street stars trotted up to London’s Funky Buddha nightclub.

Mortified at losing out on the best soap award to EastEnders, despite thrashing it in the “ratings war”, Corrie’s Jane Danson, Shobna Gulati and Kate Ford reacted badly.

An onlooker explains: “The Corrie lot just turned up to have their pictures taken and quickly left.” And..? Come on. We thought they were “fuming”. Surely there was a fight? No? Pah!

No wonder Corrie lost out to the London-based show. An angry EastEnders cast would have torched the place and murdered a barman in splendid revenge.

These Coronation Street stars came, sulked and left. But at least they did have their pictures taken. As did Bad Girls’ Nicola Stapleton, who can be seen falling out of her gold lame dress.

Nice try, Nicola. But we’ve seen so much flesh at these telly dos that there is the danger of us being a little tired of repeats. A brawl would have been better than a breast – even it had been just a few chucked buns or harsh words.

It’s a pity Cheryl Tweedy has not yet appeared in a soap – the Girls Aloud band member has a reputation for throwing her weight around.

Now, as the Sun says, Tweedy has moved on from rowing with toilet attendants and is taking on Charlotte Church.

As is the way with Iraq, ratings and bird flu, to the Sun’s jingoistic mind this is “war”. And the first volley has been lunched by Tweedy. As the pop strumpet says: “I don’t know who she and her scabby boyfriend think hey are. He’s a posing idiot who looks like a girl. And she’s not even gorgeous.”

He’s Gavin Henson, Welsh rugby’s bottle-tanned answer to David Beckham. And as for Church not being gorgeous, well, is there anything worse than that?

Tweedy thinks there is. “She’s a nasty little piece of work with a fat head.”

That’s a bit more like it. The Corrie babes could learn a lot from Tweedy. If you’re going to have fight, you need to have fighting talk.

And a decent script…’

Posted: 27th, October 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Harry’s Flame

‘THERE is a rumour gong about that Prince Harry has a tattoo on his backside.

The Sun wonders what this mark could be, and mocks up three pictures of the Harry derriere. For the record, the Sun is of the opinion that Harry’s backside is a pinky-orange colour and not covered in fine pelt of red hair, but smooth.

On this left cheek, readers see in turn a Swastika, a pint of larger and a marijuana leaf, emblems of Harry’s life to date.

But one Sandhurst instructor believed something different lurked beneath Harry’s regulation Army pants. Was there the name of Harry’s girlfriend Chelsy printed on one cheek?

The colour sergeant wanted to find out. So, as the paper reports, as Harry paraded with his fellow recruits the instructor barked: “Cadet Wales, drop your pants and show me your backside.”

Harry, who, as the Suns says, knew nothing of this rumour was at first unsure what to do. “Are you serious?” he asked. The instructor was. “Just get them off,” he yelled. “ I want to see if it’s true.”

On page three, Nikkala, 22, from Middlesex thrills at the prospect of Harry’s naked bum. She’s no problem about losing any part of her clothing, and says she would loved to have seen “the look on his face”.

Harry’s mush might well have been as red as his hair, but he’s a soldier and that means obeying instruction. So Harry unbuckled his belt and lowered his combat trousers to his knees.

“It’s OK Wales,” said the instructor. “I’ll take your word for it.”

But should we? This has been an opportunity missed. And we fear that until Harry holidays in Faliraki, we may never see his backside in public…’

Posted: 27th, October 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Shop Of Horrors

‘WHAT do traffic wardens get for handing out lots of parking tickets? “A one-way trip to Hell?” For sure. “To be hated by the world at large?” Guaranteed. “A new kettle in Argos..?”

As the Mail reports, National Car Parks, the country’s biggest parking enforcement agency, is awarding its staff with reward points at the Argos stores.

The company says points are awarded on a range of criteria – punctuality, teamwork and appearance. But the Mail says evidence suggests performance means the number of tickets issued.

As a leaflet explaining the scheme stuck to the forehead of all wardens explains: “When you demonstrate excellence at work, contribute to increased revenue or cost savings, or have gone the extra distance in your efforts, you will be rewarded.”

Over in the Mirror, the Association of British Drivers calls the plan “outrageous”. And the RAC’s Paul Hodgson says: “If you introduce targets, common sense goes. It now means, ‘Can we get points to win prizes?’”

Can it mean anything other than that? But the scheme is in its infancy, and has yet to reward bonus points – ten extra points for clamping a woman with young children, twenty points for issuing a ticket with the driver still in the car; thirty pints for making the driver cry.

But rules are rules. And if you break the parking laws you will be fined. And who can really blame the wardens – Argos is a store that sells all manner of tempting goods, and Christmas is coming.

Although a word of warning to shoppers – next time you’re in Argos, take care to move the moment your number is called. Any lingering may well result in a fine…’

Posted: 27th, October 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Hammond House of Horror

‘YESTERDAY the papers introduced us to Brett Hammond. He was Mr Bird Flu. Hammond was the person we could all blame should an infected goldfinch kill us in our tens of thousands.

And today he’s back. In the class-conscious Mirror he’s now ”LORD BIRD FLU”. And in keeping with his elevated title, the common parrot we saw on Hammond’s arm yesterday has been upgraded to a mighty eagle.

Hammond’s also cut his hair since yesterday – but he’ll have to try a lot harder than that if he’s to blend in with decent society. Perhaps Hammond could grow a beard, or borrow the black bush former Public Enemy No. 1 Omar Bakri left behind?

But before Hammond can become Omar al-Hammond, the convicted fraudster who runs the quarantine sheds where the parrot with the killer H5N1 virus is thought to have died has bought a Lord of the Manor title.

The Mirror fails tells us what the title is, distracted perhaps by the £7.7million Hammond’s made from smuggling birds, enough to buy him two sports cars and a “string of foreign holidays” to go with that lofty title.

And before we can ask about where Hammond is Lord of, the Mail taps us on the shoulder and warns us to put the egg down. We must step away from the egg.

Alongside a picture of the nefarious Hammond, bird flu’s human face, the Mail trills the headline: “Don’t eat raw eggs, warns EU food safety watchdog.”

Surprisingly, this is not to the Mail’s patriotic eyes the latest bout of EU meddling, nor is it political correctness gone like so much BSE-infected cattle. This is a public service announcement, and it comes to you from the lips of Herman Koeter, of the European Food Safety Agency. As he tells us: “We don’t have any evidence that the virus can be transmitted through food. But we can’t exclude it either.”

That sounds bad. And it makes us wonder what else can’t be excluded. Can bird flu be transmitted via the feathers in our pillows? What about by walking within ten feet of a bird while wearing a blue bikini and whistling the first three bars of the Dutch national anthem?

Don’t know. We should be told. Perhaps Mr Koeter can enlighten us. “If you don’t eat raw eggs and always cook poultry thoroughly, there should be no problems,” says he.

So boiled chicken and reconstituted eggs it is. Which though an improved diet for most of us is a worry to the Mail’s readership. As the paper says, they should perhaps think twice about eating home-made mayonnaise and Hollandaise sauce.

But if they can’t resist the temptation, get your Slovakian cleaning lady or your Croatian au pair to test it first. You really cannot be too careful…’

Posted: 26th, October 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Breast In Show

‘LAST night’s contest to see which telly actress could show the most leg in a leading role and the best supporting cleavage in soap attracts the attention of the Mirror’s dire 3am Girls.

The three witches were somewhere near London’s Royal Albert Hall to see the top telly totty teetering up for the National TV Awards.

The Mirror’s Girls spot Jordan dressed head-to-toe in black, albeit with an acre of orange chest visible. And GMTV’s Kate Garraway and Corrie’s Shobna Gulati giving it their best teeth ‘n’ tits grins for the snappers.

There’s more of the same in the Sun, although Jordan has mutated from the Mirror’s “black tragic” to “stunning”.

But at least the papers can agree on who won what. The Mail produces a neat section with scrolled edges entitled “THE WINNERS”, and says that Doctor who has won the award for most popular drama.

Other winners are: Billie Piper (most popular actress); Big Brother (most popular reality TV show); EastEnders (most popular drama serial); the Paul O’Grady show (most popular daytime TV programme; and the most popular “expert” on TV is Sharon Osbourne.

But the real winners are to be found in the Sun, where the likes of Emmerdale stunner Lucy Pargeter is in a dress slashed up the thigh and EastEnders actress Lacey Turner is in a “revealing” green frock.

Both women surely have big futures in TV – although not as big as Jordan, for obvious reasons…’

Posted: 26th, October 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

A Has Bin

‘THERE was a time when no TV awards bash was complete without Ulrika Jonsson.

But as her chest fell so too did her career. And today we do not see poor Ulrika at the Royal Albert Hall collecting her award for best former weather girl in a dress, but at the foot of the Mail’s page 3.

Beneath the news that a very pregnant Penny Lancaster now seems even bigger than her lover Rod Stewart, is the story of how Ulrika “rubbished her disintegrating marriage”.

Ulrika has split from love-of-her-life Lance, and is now free to tell the world what she thinks of him.

“The best thing about being married is definitely having someone who puts the rubbish out on a Wednesday night,” says Ulrika. “It’s the only thing I can think of. It’s very handy and if you weren’t married you’d have to do it yourself.”

But surely she jests. Lance must have had more uses than a glorified bin man? For one thing, marriage to a man gets you into the pages of showbiz magazines. And what can be more vital to Ulrika’s being than that..?’

Posted: 26th, October 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Fly by Night

‘ONE way of stopping bird flu getting into the UK is to reopen the Sangatte refugee camp over in France and fill it with foreign birds.

Not that this would be any guarantee that we’ll all be OK – not if the man the Mail calls “MR BIRD FLU” on its front page has anything to do with it.

To give him his full name, Mr Bird Flu is Brett Hammond, a convicted fraudster who runs the Essex quarantine centre where the parrot with the deadly H5N1 virus was found.

The diseased parrot has since uttered his last words, but the Mail wants to emphasise the point that another could be on its way. So there’s Hammond on the front page with a parrot on his left arm, and for reasons of fairness lest we only start blaming parrots for all the world’s ills, a white cockatoo on his left.

Hammond’s the “dodgy dealer,” who, as the Sun says, has “done bird”. His crime for VAT offences earned him 18 months in choky in 1997.

Hammond was, as the paper says, also involved in a string of incidents with lost or sick birds. In 1998, he flogged a £500 Jaffa parrot to Lorraine McLean that died nine days later.

He lost a Golden Eagle called Eddie worth £6,000, and found it a day later. And hundreds of cockatiels died when burglars broke into his centre – the felons cut off the birds’ power supply leaving the creatures to freeze to death.

It is too terrible. As the LibDem’s Norman Baker tells the Mail: “It is very worrying indeed that we are leaving the health of our birds – and potentially the health of our citizens – in the hands of convicted criminals.”

Surely it is. And it’s about to get more worrying. In what the Mail calls a “macabre coincidence”, we read that the “dilapidated sheds” where Hammond quarantines birds is only yards away from the abattoir where in 2001 foot-and-mouth was first identified in Britain.

Coincidence? Or something more shadowy and deliberate at play? We’ve taken the liberty of doodling a beard, a headscarf and some huge NHS specs on Hammomd’s face and the resulting image is shocking. Bird flu really is the new terrorism.

The Mail’s editorial duly questions the Government’s assurances that everything is under control. “The trade in captive birds – perhaps the most dangerous means of spreading infection – still continues with tens of thousands imported every year,” it says.

Who says the bird trade is a dangerous way of spreading infection? Wasn’t the infected parrot properly held and prevented from gaining access to the country at large? And wouldn’t someone buying a bird make sure – now more than ever – that their purchase is healthy?

The Sun isn’t listening. “Bird importers are playing Russian roulette with our health,” it screams. “The lax controls on imported birds is a national outrage.”

It must be stopped. But until the borders are strengthened, the law tightened and exotic birds are given citizenship tests, we fear more of the same…’

Posted: 25th, October 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment