Chic By Jowl

‘HOW would you define Camilla, the former Mrs Parker Bowles?

The soon-to-be published Anorak Dictionary of Celebrity (a working title) defines Camilla thus. “Camilla: the second horse in a polo player’s stables of four. (“When the first horse died, the prince straddled his Camilla and rode her for all she was worth.”)

The new lexicon of words in the English language has also spotted the coming to the fore of Camilla and introduced the buzzword “Camilla chic” to its pages.

The Mail fails to say how Camilla chic is defined, but does hear from Susie Dent, the woman perhaps best known for demurely sitting in Dictionary Corner on TV’s Countdown and laughing at Gyles Brandreth.

Dent says the book “aims to be a snapshot of what is happening in language right now and current trends”.

Other words considered wicked, groovy and hip are “sudoko” (the Japanese puzzle), “crunk” (crazy and drunk”), “fanboys” (boys obsessed with comics and computer games), “happy-slapping” and “dog-whistle politics” (appealing to a certain group of voters without upsetting the others”).

Oh, and “chav” – which has nothing to do with Camilla chic – even if both words favour Burberry checks, smoking and unpredictable sex…’

Posted: 25th, October 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Drive Them Out

‘VISITORS arriving in the Devon town of Torbay are greeted by the sign: “Welcome to Torbay – God’s own county. Twinned with the Crematorium.”

That the area appeals to the elderly is all too obvious. And the Mail brings news that suggests the old folk want it all their own way.

The paper says that there has been an alarming spate of accidents around Torbay, which comprises the Devon seaside towns of Torquay, Paignton and Brixham.

In the past six months there have been six “shunts” in which an elderly driver has, apparently, mistaken the accelerator pedal for the break and smashed into shop windows, car park walls and the window of a basement flat while the householder was inside watching TV.

Fortunately there have been no major injuries. But the local road safety officer, PC Chris Lancaster, fears someone will get hurt.

“There are other means than cars for the elderly drivers to get about,” says he, alluding to the region’s public transport.

But why give up your car to spend what time you have left on the planet waiting for the bus to show up?

In any case, we suspect something else may behind this rash of accidents. We are concerned to learn of the driver in his seventies with a wooden leg who piloted his automatic Rover estate through the window of estate agents.

This is worrying for anyone who can recall the arson campaign conducted by Welsh nationals to drive the English incomers from their areas – holiday homes and estate agents were set alight. Some of you may remember the ‘Not the Nine o’Clock News’ spoof of the British Coal advertisement about buying a holiday home in Wales and coming home to a ‘real’ fire

And we begin to wonder if the elderly are not playing some dangerous game, waging a campaign to keep the area exclusively for themselves.

What young family wants to settle in an area with renegade OAPs using their Hondas as weapons? None that value their lives…’

Posted: 25th, October 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

A Little Bird

‘FOR those of you not running about like headless chickens, squawking about the war with the birds, the good news is that the Sun has found an ally in the enemy camp.

This bird is not given a name – we’ll call her agent Polly – and appears on the front page of the Sun. And she brings news: “Parrot: It WAS killer flu.”

And with that she’s gone, leaving behind a worried country, and the faint whiff of Brazil nuts. The parrot that died in quarantine had fallen victim of the deadly H5N1 strain of bird flu.

No wonder the Sun’s Katherine Bergen, writing in her get-up-and-weep “THAT MONDAY MORNING FEELING” column, says we’re “getting more and more nervous about the possible arrival of bird flu”.

And worried we should be. One dead parrot is a tragedy, thousands of parrots are a statistic. Such is the popularity of the birds among we pet-loving Britons that, as the Express says, the bird flu will bring the country to a halt. What with all the pet funerals and periods of mourning, no-one will be fit to work.

And it will get worse if we give into temptation. As your parrot lies dying in your arms, you must stay strong. “Kiss me, mummy,” he’ll say. And you must resist. Osculation with a bird is to be avoided less you catch the disease.

The Express says that any outbreak of human form of bird flu would lead to “mass panic, with millions refusing to leave their homes.”

Speaking on Jonathan’ Dimbleby’s politics programme over the weekend, Patricia Hewitt, the Health Secretary, said: “The scientists are saying to us that it is a matter of when, not if, a pandemic breaks out.”

And in the Mail (“BIRD FLU: IT IS THE KILLER STRAIN”), we hear Hewitt lay out her Government’s contingency plan. “If you’ve got pandemic flu, anyone’s who got any flu-like symptoms would be well advised to stay home and not spread it.”

But how do you know what kind of flu you’ve got? It might just be one those everyday flus that kill the elderly and earn the young days off school.

Until our parrot insider tells us more about the symptoms of this killer disease, we can only fear the worst.

Unless we listen to Professor Hugh Pennington, president of the Society for General Microbiology, who says there is no threat to humans. “The virus hasn’t yet mutated into the pandemic form which all the jumping up and down is about,” says he. One dead parrot has “no impact on public health”.

But the professor’s views are only as valid as his sources. And it might be that he got his news from the wrong little bird…’

Posted: 24th, October 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Mr Wrong

‘ONCE upon a time Ulrika Jonsson could do it all. She could be a blonde on the weather bulletins. She could be a blonde footballer’s girlfriend.

And she could be a blonde in the pages of showbiz magazine, in which she talked of her wonderful blonde life, her blonde children and her blonde Aga.

But now her world has gone dark. After just two years of wonderful blonde times with husband Lance Gerrard-Wright – the man she met and fell in love with on a reality TV show – she is alone again.

The front page of the Mail (“Ulrika’s Mr Right turns out to be wrong (again!)” shows the couple in happier times, when life was one long photoshoot.

Now it’s all over. “It’s a very sad situation not least for our children and they are our fist concern,” says Miss Jonsson in a statement released to the press.

She also says that no-one else is involved. Something the Sun is less sure about as it says: “ULRIKA TORMENT AS HUBBY DATES BLONDE.”

The Sun says Lance has been spotted “drowning his sorrows” on a “date” with this other blonde.

An onlooker tells the Sun that Lance looked “very nervous”. “The two [Lance and a blonde] left together. Lance looked quite uncomfortable with the situation, he kept looking at his shoes. You could tell that he didn’t want to be seen.”

Poor Lance. Bird flu just didn’t arrive early enough for him. He just couldn’t stay in and lock the front door. He thought it was safe to go out…’

Posted: 24th, October 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Saving The Nation

‘LAST week the Sun brought us news of how Snow White’s seven dwarfs had fallen victim to the marauding “PC brigade” and become “gnomes”. It was Snow White and the Vertically Challenged.

This week, it’s the Express’s turn to spot this nefarious brigade and announce on its front page: “HOGWASH. Now the PC brigade bans piggy banks is case they upset Muslims.”

The paper says that all promotional material bearing the figure of a money-hungry pig has been banned from the Halifax and NatWest banks in the East Lancashire region.

To the paper’s mind this is crazy. How dare these banks try not to offend their customers, however heavy-handed and ludicrous their move.

And it notes that this development has been “condemned” by nothing less than a leading Church of England clergyman.

Pray silence for the Dean of Blackburn, the Very Reverend Christopher Armstrong, who, as we’d expect from a man well used to public speaking, knows just what to say in the circumstances: “This is petty and political correctness gone mad.”

Is it anything other than that? Is it ever?

“The next thing we will be banning Christmas trees and cribs and the logical result of that process is bland uniformity.” Life without piggy banks, indoor pine trees and cribs will be horribly dull.

Andre Rosindell, the Tory MP for Romford, Essex, is also less than impressed. “It is quite absurd,” says he. “…I cannot believe the majority of Muslims genuinely object to seeing a picture of a piggy bank on a wall or in a leaflet. This is the sort of political correctness that makes normal-thinking people very angry. It’s barmy.”

After hearing from them, the Express sets about finding a Muslim to illicit a response from. And with Omar Bakri out of the country and Osama bin Laden missing or dead, it makes do with Salim Mulla, secretary for the Lancashire Council of Mosques.

“This is a sensitive issue,” says Salim, noting the Express’s over-sensitive response. “And I think the banks are simply being courteous to their customers.”

And… Surely Salim can do better than that. He’s not trying. Where’s the polemic? Where’s the outrage? Where’s the rant about Jews running all the banks and how the pig is part of a universal conspiracy to make money unclean and so unfit for poor Muslims to touch.

Oh, how we need barking Bakri back in this country. Any more of this and we’ll start thinking Muslims are just like the rest of us. Even if they do keep their money in wallets and purses…’

Posted: 24th, October 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Stats Amazing!

‘ALMOST nine in ten of us know that that 98 per cent of statistics are made up.

Numbers can be made to prove anything – that the Spice Girls were a better band than The Clash, that per TV-owning home EastEnders is more popular with Angolans than it is with Londoners and that Al Gore beat George Bush to the US Presidency.

Now here are some more numbers – taken from last week’s news – that might prove something, or nothing…

0 – In the past 12 years no police officer has been successfully prosecuted for any of the 30 fatalities caused by police marksmen

16 – If we live to be 78, we’ll have enjoyed orgasms for 16 hours –that’s “2.02 seconds of eyeball rolling delight every day,” says the Sun

33 – The average Briton consumes 33 teaspoons of sugar a day – or 132grams

42 – A study of 289 fertilised eggs from 22 couples under 30 found that 42 per cent had abnormalities

100 – We will have to wait 100 years for the “TRUTH” (Express) in the investigation into Princess Diana death to be made public

700 – A SA80 assault rifle can fire can fire 700 rounds a minute – such a weapon was lost by a soldier on an exercise in the Brecon Beacons

1,300 – It cost Anthony Sutch £1,300 to change five light bulbs at his church, St Beccles, Norfolk

5,400 – The European Court of Human Rights awarded former soldier Thomas Roche £5,400 in damages for being used as a guinea-pig in experiments with mustard gas at Porton Down in the 1960s

6,000 – The number of empty seats for Manchester United’s home game against Lille in the Champions League

6,000 – The value of the mountain bike given to President Bush by a cycle firm, complete with United States of America seal under the handlebars

25,000 – Victoria Beckham spent £25,000 on making her ten most prominent gnashers look whiter and brighter

3,000,000 – Coutts, the Queen’s bank, says to have any chance of social credibility you must be a thrillionaire

78,000,000 – The trial of Saddam Hussein will cost America £78 million

1,200,000,000 – Philip Green awarded himself Britain’s biggest bonus of £1.2bn

2,400,000,000 – There is a haul of £2.4 billion of Lottery money sitting unused in distributors coffers’

kittychesterz

Posted: 22nd, October 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Scare Tactics

‘IF you succumbed to every horror the papers threw at you, you’d be suffering from Variant CJD from eating mad burgers, riddled with MRSA superbugs following hospital treatment and surrounded by children made autistic by the MMR vaccine.

Perhaps you are. If so we can tell you that you are unlucky and, given your track record, about to be repeatedly set upon by gangs of violent thugs high on hooch.

It’s what the Mail thinks will happen when the Government’s licensing reforms bring about the chance to drink all day, every day.

The paper has seen figures produced by police in England and Wales and noted that thugs commit a violent crime ever six seconds. And half of theses offences are blamed on binge drinking.

We would like to point out that one aim of the extended licensing hours is to stop binge drinking, to water down the apparent need to down as much booze before chucking out time.

But the Mail doesn’t seem to be listening to that. It’s too busy with Glen Smyth, chairman of the Metropolitan Police Federation, who says that most nights of the week officers are “overwhelmed by a sea of drunken, violent, vomiting yobs who when they’re not fighting each other are falling through shop windows.”

The assumption is that a change in the licensing hours will create yet more of this. As Smyth says: “That’s now. What’s it going to be like when we have a licensing free-for-all?”

It’s hard to know for sure. But we daresay the drunks will still fight each other and vomit. And perhaps they’ll fall through shop windows; some may even fall through shop doors and upset display racks of Celine Dion CDs and apples.

But whatever does occur, we should be fearful. The British Crime Survey, based on interviews with householders, says that 23 per cent of us are “worried about public drunkenness and rowdy behaviour”.

The worried are not broken down by what paper they read but just seen as a whole – so we don’t know what percentage of them read the Mail.

All we know is that people are panicking. Just as they did when we were about to be invaded by gypsies from the enlarged European Union .

The Mail says that 494,000 migrants did arrive in the UK last year, although not all of them were gypsies.

In any case, all the gypsies are already in the Cotswolds. As the Express peers out from its holiday cottage and screams: “Gypsy invasion closes a town.”

The paper says hundred of gypsies have “invaded” the picturesque town of Stow-on-the-Wold for the Stow Horse Fair.

Such is the fear of crime that 120 traders in the area have shut up shop until the fair it over. The owner of Anne Willow’s Tea Shop has hired a bouncer to keep away the gypsy hordes desperate to steal her tea cakes and buns.

The Express then casts around for signs of crime. And it notices one gypsy telling a police officer ordering him to move on to “p*** off and mind your own business”. It sees cars racing along the roads with windows down and music blaring.

It sees mayhem waiting to happen. And if the Express and Mail join forces and look very closely they might even spot a gypsy carrying a bird – a bird that could very well be infected with avian flu…’

Posted: 21st, October 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

The Joy Of Six

‘A PARENT’S ability to embarrass their children is infinite. Say the wrong thing in the wrong way and little Armani will scowl and wish she’d never been born and you were dead.

Mindful of this we read in the Sun that Rod Stewart has promised to take a year off work to be at home when his sixth child arrives.

Rod has admitted that he was an absent “drunk rock and roller” when his other children were growing up. And now he’s 60, he wants to try something new.

So he’s going to stay in and look after the little bundle of blonde hair, nose and legs that pops out of girlfriend Penny Lancaster. He even says he’ll change the nappies.

And that’s all well and good. All very new man. But given his age, we wonder whether this decision to stay in and watch Teletubbies has something to do with his advancing years.

So is Rod retiring? “Never,” says he. “I’ll sing until I’ve got no air left in my lungs.”

Great news. Although perhaps not such great news for little Rod or Rodetta. And we chill to the mental image of Rod dressed in leopard skin spandex singing and gyrating to the Wheels On The Bus.

All together now, kids: “If you think I’m sexy and you know it, clap your hands…”’

Posted: 21st, October 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Shoot On Sight

‘MORE news on the life and times of Prince William.

There’s Wills in the Sun, standing in line with a bunch of other Army wannabes dressed in green overalls with matching tin pots on their heads.

It’s not a good look for the future King, who, as the paper says, resembles a member of the bungling Dad’s Army platoon.

The reason for this ensemble is that Wills is taking his test at the Regular Commission Board selection centre in Westbury, Wiltshire. The young prince will have to pass a series of gruelling physical challenges if he is to join his younger brother at Sandhurst.

So here’s Wills in the Mail trying to keep his balance on a plank.

But don’t worry. This is Prince William. He is, as the Mail says, “expected” to pass. After all, if Uncle Eddie can get into the Marines, the selection policy for the Armed forces can’t be all that stringent.

And after performing 44 press-ups and 50 sit-ups, both in two minutes, a one-and-a-half mile run in ten and completing tests to investigate his knowledge of current affairs and Army history Wills was in good shape.

“He emerged as a natural leader and helped carry the group through, says an instructor to the Sun. “In our eyes he was top of the class.”

And with only the art history module to go, Wills is a shoo-in for a career in the Army…’

Posted: 21st, October 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Having Our Phil

‘PRINCE Philip is of the opinion that young people are “ignorant”. Just listen: “The point is that young people are the same as they always were – they are just ignorant.”

The prince made his views known at the 50th celebration of his Duke of Edinburgh Award’s scheme, the programme that allows children to try something more adventurous and be less, well, ignorant.

When we consider the children the prince has sired in his time – Princes Charles, Andrew and Edward – his opinion seems well founded. Look at that lot now and then wonder how ignorant they must have been in their early teens.

But what with this being the prince, rather than his words ringing true or just passed over, they are leapt upon. And to the Sun’s mind this is a typical Philip “blunder”,

The paper does not say how the prince has got it wrong just that he has.

Instead the Sun complies with rule 9813a of the tabloid school of journalism, which clearly states that when talking of the prince the paper must look over Philip’s past “gaffes”.

We won’t mention Philip’s comments on the Chinese, Aborigines and Scots, as the Sun does, nor will we follow the Mail’s lead and tell you for the umpteenth time what he once said to a Briton living in Hungry.

What we will do is let you know that the Mail has found someone who thinks the prince is bang out of order. Julian Nicholds, vice-president of the National Union of Students, says it’s “appalling”.

“It’s quite disgusting that the prince, who has headed the scheme for so many years, should have this kind of view of children today,” says he.

“Young people are not ignorant – far from it,” says Nicholds. “They are always searching for knowledge and answers.”

Quite so. Some search for answers on the Duke’s schemes. Others look for answers in the theatre, on the golf course and in an organic raisin.

Some youngsters become students, a famously worldly-wise bunch, as renowned for their lack of ignorance as they are for their impeccable personal hygiene, clean living and plain common sense.

Oh for the wisdom of youth…’

Posted: 20th, October 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Coming Of Adage

‘SINCE the moment of his birth, Prince William has been striving to be less ignorant.

So far his efforts to gain experience have taken him to Mrs Mynor’s Nursery, the hockey pitch at Ludgrove School in Berkshire and hospital – after playing with a friend on a putting green, he was hit on the side of the head with a golf club.

Gaining experience, as William will attest, rarely comes without pain, especially if you stub a toe or pirouette into a dying swan. As the Mirror reports, the prince has joined the ballet.

“He came from the tough backstreets of Kensington,” says the Mirror, lampooning the film Billy Elliot and showing a picture of William dancing in a salon.

“Against all the odds he battled through prep school and Eton. Every day he struggled with the knowledge that he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and would soon be forced to sit on a throne surrounded by servants and small dogs. This is story of triumph over privilege. This is the story of the boy they knew as Billy Windsor.”

Interesting. But if William is secure enough in his masculinity to strap on a pair of tights and leap and prance around a stage, then fair enough.

But the truth is that he’s not dancing. William simply spent part of last week organising sets for the Bolshoi Ballet. It’s all part to his work experience programme at Chatsworth House, Derbyshire, the home of the Duke and Duchess of Devonshire.

William is not the new Billy Elliot. He’s not been flexing his muscles. He’s been schlepping a bit of stage furniture.

Having misled us once, the Mirror goes on to say that the aim to give William a rounded experience of working life will soon see him work in a bank and join a mountain rescue team.

Or visit the Post Office and stand atop a mole hill…’

Posted: 20th, October 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

War With The Birds

‘JUST to let you know that the war on terror has – as we predicted it would – become the “WAR ON BIRD FLU”.

The Sun says that war has been declared on the H5N1 strain of bird flu. If seen it will be shot on sight. Anyone knowing to be consorting with the enemy will also be shot.

No, no really shot, as in fired on with bullets, but given shots of the anti-bird flu vaccine.

The paper says the Government has pledged to buy enough of the stuff to inoculate the entire population twice.

Chief Medial Officer Sir Liam Donaldson has invited drugs manufacturers to bid for the right to supply 120 million doses of the vaccine.

“We cannot prevent a flu pandemic but we can reduce its impact,” says Donaldson.

But why wait? The paper says that like some microbe-sized Hitler the bug has already begun its “deadly march” across Europe. It’s just been spotted south of Moscow.

Surely if this is war, as the Sun says it is, we should launch a counter offensive. Send for the marines. Make ready the nuclear warheads. Call President Bush. We’re under attack.

And if Bush refuses to help, tell him the bugs have got beards and Iranian passports…’

Posted: 20th, October 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Gruesome Toothsome

‘“HOW POSH finally got it right,” trills the Express, the words hanging above a double-page spread of Her Poshness wearing all manner of clothes.

Looking at the shots, we can only concur with the paper – Posh has got it right. The shoes are on her feet and not on her head. Her dress is not upside down or back to front. And she’s remembered to put on her underwear BEFORE her outer garments and not after.

Bravo to her. But aside from her fashion nouse, the other thing we cannot but help noticing is that in many of the pictures Posh has done away with her trademark pug-grimace. Her mouth is shut tight. You cannot see her teeth.

While this clearly represents a daring new direction for her celebrity, the closed-mouth look may have been forced upon her.

The Sun says that Posh’s teeth cost her £25,000; La Posh paid £2,500 per tooth to have her ten most visible teeth whitened.

That’s fine. But it fails to explain why she’s not showing them off all the time. Indeed, rather than solving the mystery, it only serves to deepen it further.

But the Sun thinks it has found a clue. It speaks with Posh’s dentist, Dr Jeremy Hills, and asks him what he thinks. Though he refuses to comment on his client, he does say: “I recommend a maximum of one [whitening] treatment a year.”

But the Sun understands that Posh has had three extra whitening treatments over that period, something that could, as the paper speculates, put her at risk of losing them all.

That would be too terrible. And we urge Posh to keep her mouth closed and her teeth locked in behind her lips.

She should on no account open her mouth to smile, and certainly not to sing…’

Posted: 19th, October 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Politics Light

‘HOW much does in cost to change a light bulb? It’s a simple enough question. No jokes. No trickery.

The answer, as none of you rightly said, is £260. That’s what it costs to replace each of the five light bulbs at St Benet’s church in Beccles, Norfolk. Total cost: £1,300.

The reason for this is Schedule Six of the Working At Heights Directive, as produced by the European Union.

Under the terms of these new regulations, before any such work can be carried out, the risk has to be assessed.

As the directive clearly states: “Every employer shall ensure that a ladder is used for work at height only if a risk assessment has demonstrated that the use of more suitable work equipment is not justified because of the low risk.”

It could not be clearer. And since there was a risk in using a ladder to reach the bulbs which are 40ft above the ground, scaffolding was erected and a platform placed on top. That was much safer. And reassuringly expensive.

But Father Anthony Sutch, who ordered the works, is still in the dark. “People are dying from MRSA in hospitals – where is their health and safety?” asks he. “It’s very silly.”

He makes a good point does the priest. It is silly. And from now on all hospital beds will be taken apart, the mattresses placed directly onto the floor and the springs and frame taken away and detonated in a controlled experiment…’

Posted: 19th, October 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Chicken In A Basket

‘TERRORISTS kill and maim, but you’d be unlucky to catch the flu off them.

Flu is the new terror – a truth emphasised by the Express’s news that sniffer dogs at Heathrow Airport are being used to pick up the scent of birds, eggs and feathers.

There’s Jasper the dog in the Mail, rubbing his dribbling nose all over the suitcase of a man newly arrived from Turkey or Romania, where outbreaks of the bird flu have been discovered.

Of course, Jasper might have got it wrong. That chap whose bag he’s sniffing might have come from anywhere, but he looks Turkish enough, so Jasper feels duty bound to sniff him.

Better to be safe than sorry. As Chris Pratt, the Products of Animal Origin Manager for Customs at Heathrow, says: “The risk is minimal, but what we’ve been asked to look out for specifically is dead or live birds, feathers and eggs. We’re looking for these things being imported in personal luggage.”

Fair enough. A traveller might be flying in from Istanbul with an egg bap, but does anyone really pack a dead chicken in with their socks?

Are the men and women who pose the security questions at the check-in desks now asking if travellers packed the bags themselves and if anyone gave them a live parrot to carry, or, worse still, a dead one?

Perhaps this is not so preposterous to the French. Travelling supporters of French national rugby and football teams love to take a cockerel along to the game.

Mindful of this, the French have already begun to distribute anti-bird flu medicine, as the Express reports.

“France is at this stage, to our knowledge, the only country in the world to give such protection to its nationals abroad,” says Jean-Baptiste Matei of the French ministry for health.

That’s all very good for the French. But what about over here, a short flight away in Blighty? The British Government has yet to reveal its plans, let alone any drugs.

With the powers that be still to decide on what to do, the Express speaks with Julian Hughes, head of species conservation at the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds.

He says bird watchers should report any strange behaviour among the birds they spot. “When people are out bird-watching in the countryside,” says Hughes, “if they do see anything out of the ordinary – a die-off of 20, 30 or 40 birds – that’s the cue something has gone wrong.”

So if we see lots of dead birds, there is a strong chance that not all is well? Ok. Got it!

What next? Hughes says you pick up a telephone and call the Government helpline and report the incident – “the number is 08459 335577”.

Tell the person on the end of the phone what you’ve seen. And whatever you do, do not approach the birds or eat them with cranberry sauce, redcurrant jelly or any other kind of preserve.

And on no account are you to take them on holiday…’

Posted: 19th, October 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Real Love

‘HAS she not fragrance? Well, no – Posh’s toilet water has yet to hit the shelves. She might not have a range of cosmetics, but she does have Day-vid. And let no man doubt it.

And, as the Mail says, we will soon get to hear about how much Posh and her husband are in love when she takes her marriage to court on December 5.

Posh and Day-vid are suing the News Of The World Paper for libel. As the Mail delights in explaining in a piece that begins of its front page (“Posh defends her ‘happy’ marriage”), Los Beckhams are challenging the allegation that they “cynically” presented a false image to the world at large in order to protect “Brand Beckham”.

Posh will maintain that the NOTW got it wrong when it said she had called Day-vid an “Essex yob” and said their marriage was in trouble.

She and Dayve are happy. They are happy. So happy are they that anyone who says otherwise will be taken to court. That’s how happy they are. Got it!

But Richard Spearman, QC, acting on behalf of the NOTW, does not get it. He says their marriage has been “rocked and seriously damaged by the first claimant’s [David’s] infidelity and betrayal of the second claimant [Victoria]”.

Countering that argument are Posh’s fixed, pug-like smile,

Day-vid’s tattoos and the couple’s lawyer.

Their QC Hugh Tomlinson says that his clients do promote themselves as a happily married couple – “We say that’s because it’s true.”

This case is deeply fascinating, opening up the Beckhams to allegations about how they conduct their affairs. How genuine are they? And how far will the pursuit of celebrity take over a person’s life?

The Sun knows a big story when it sees it, and the NOTW’s sister paper duly leads with a shot of Victoria on its front page.

But what’s this? No criticism. No barbed comments. Just the paper breathlessly telling us that Posh left the crowd “gasping” as she swept into Monte Carlo’s Fashion Rocks charity show in a “stunning” and “amazing” green dress.

Hmm. Reading that might it be argued that Day-vid is not the only thing Posh exerts a controlling influence on..?’

Posted: 18th, October 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Derby & Moan

‘TSK! Isn’t it just awful. Just look at the state of them. It might be “JUST ANOTHER GIRLS NIGHT OUT” to Bianca and Jade, but to the right-minded Mail reader it’s debauched and a sure sign that England, my England is coming apart at the seams.

“These disturbing pictures were taken last Saturday evening in Bristol. What do they say about plans for 24-hour drinking?” says the Mail above shots of brawling, drunk and prone youth.

We don’t know if the Mail’s man on the scene took those shocking images with a traditional camera or his mobile phone, only that he did. And thanks to such fearless reporting, Mail readers are now able to gawp at drunken youths.

“Just look at that, dear,” says Mrs Pendergrass. “She’ll catch her death of cold in that top. Unless the illegal immigrant cab driver doesn’t run her over, or worse.” Mr Pendergrass puts down his marmalade toast and dashes over to have a look.

“That girl’s sozzled,” she goes on. “She looks like she’s about to fall out of her clothes.” Mr Pendergrass stares at the images, his eyes misting over; a piece of moist orange peel hangs limply on his bottom lip.

But let’s not be too hard on the Mail. While Sun readers have pneumatic Keeley, 19, to ogle at, the Mail needs to dress up their partially clothed women in an actual news story.

As does the Mirror. With no busty babes to deliver its news, the Mirror casts its net wider than Bristol, all the way to Cancun, Mexico.

“WE WANTED A RELAXING HOLIDAY,” says the papers headline teaser, “BUT INSTEAD WE GOT 24-HOUR FILTH.”

If any reader is still not convinced that this story should be read, the paper breaks it into bullet points: “Couples romp in pool”; “Boozy oral sex games”; “Swingers play in nude.”

There’s even “undercover footage” (see mobile camera phone) of “guests playing a banana game at the Blue Bay hotel”.

We won’t go into any more details for fear of upsetting our readers. And can only say we have the deepest sympathy for the British tourists, including several pensioners, who found themselves trapped in the resort surrounded by “sex-crazed swingers”.

“It was filthy and depraved,” says Marlene Black, 65. “I have never seen people as obsessed with sex.”

But then has she ever been out in Bristol on a Saturday night, or read the Mail..?’

Posted: 18th, October 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Shed Loads

‘DON’T worry about trying to make sense of the artwork shortlisted for this year’s Turner Prize. Just step back and enjoy it.

And if you get your kicks from sneering at Simon Starling’s bike he rode in Spain and Daren Almond’s video of his gran chatting, then go ahead and sneer.

Art is what you make of it. Or, rather, it’s what the experts make of it. Experts like Rachel Tant, the curator of the exhibition of this year’s Turner Prize finalists.

Looking at Starling’s Shedboatshed – he built a shed, turned it into a boat and then back into a shed – Tant rubs her chin and says she hopes it has some “resonance in a world at which everything happens at such high speed”.

She goes on: “The lengthiness and labour intensiveness of the pilgrimage provided a kind of buttress against the pressures of modernity, mass production and global capitalism.”

It’s the shed that says so much; it’s a talking shed, without batteries.

And, as the Mirror hears explained, Gillian Carnegie’s Fleurs d’Huile is not a picture of flowers in a vase, rather a work that “interrogates the meaning of painting?”

Quite so. Especially if you hang it upside down…’

Posted: 18th, October 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

A Wing And A Prayer

‘“BIRD FLU WILL HIT BRITAIN AND KILL 50,000,” promises the front page of the Mail. It’s the chief medial officer’s “chilling prediction”.

Sir Liam Donaldson says it’s “inevitable” infected birds will arrive in the UK and the deadly virus will, as the Mail says, start “jumping from person to person”.

“We can’t make this pandemic go away, it’s a natural phenomenon,” says Donaldson. “What we can do is limit the impact.”

But surely we can do more than that? We saw off Sars, Hitler, anthrax and mad cow disease, so why not this flu?

Not a hope, says the Mail’s Geoffrey Lean. “Bird flu’s deadly knock is at our very door,” says he. And for it we can blame the Government.

How? Is the flu the result of lax border security? Are birds piling over from the continent like so many illegal Chinese workers?

This is the “greatest threat to public health since the Black Death,” writes Lean, overlooking cholera, Spanish flu, Asian flu, Hong Kong flu, MRSA superbugs and more.

This news of a Black Death-style plague on the way makes for exciting copy. And if you can somehow link the arrival of bird plague to the Government’s “increasing bureaucracy” and “an obsession with targets” in the NHS, as Lean does, then so much the better.

But not everyone is so sure we’re doomed. While the Mail adopts a siege mentality and employs hacks to shoot anything that moves, the Sun says: “Don’t panic.”

We’ve heard it all before. Bird flu might well hit Britain, but don’t you remember how we were all about to die from Sars, anthrax attacks and mad cow disease?

The Sun does, and it says that by the time the infected birds arrive next winter the Government will have had an entire year to get the vaccine ready.

It’ll be fine. You’ll be fine – unless you read the Mirror. The paper has gazed into its crystal ball and seen what lies ahead.

“It’s winter 2006,” it writes, “and everyone is scared… thousands have died… schools are closed… the streets are deserted… planes are grounded… as pandemic savages Britain.”

The paper goes on to talk of “makeshift cemeteries” to deal with the rising toll of the dead. Children are becoming malnourished as animal produce, like turkey twizzlers, cheese slices and chicken nuggets are banned.

“The country is under something akin to martial law” and “all large gatherings have been banned by Government order.”

Reading that lot you’d imagine Tony Blair billing and cooing at this bedroom window and blowing on a duck whistle to get the birds here pronto.

Who needs Jamie Oliver and ID cards when an infected goose can do the job for you..?’

Posted: 17th, October 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Small Minded

‘EACH week the papers scour the land for signs of “political correctness gone mad”. And today the Sun comes up trumps.

“BUNCH OF DOPEYS,” says the paper’s front page. “PC brigade ban Snow white panto dwarfs.”

The PC brigade is not a single unit but comprised of all manner of do-gooders and woolly liberals. And the news is that having done for conker fights, school sports days and Gollywogs, the brigade has launched an offensive on pantomimes.

Imagine the surprise when Kent’s Coxheath Players were told that they could not use the world “dwarf” in the show Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

The group sent off for scripts from a publishers in Northampton; and when the scripts arrived the cast and crew noticed something amiss. The show is now called Snow White. Dwarfs have been expunged.

The little people are known as “guardians of the forest” or “gnomes” And Bashful, the “vertically challenged person with special confidence needs”, has become Basher.

Cue show director Karen Birkbeck: “It smacks of political correctness.” And the troupe’s Ray Lionet: “It’s madness.” And surely it is.

But it sounds like the director and her cast have fluffed their lines. The correct phrase is, as ever it was: “It’s political correctness gone mad”.

Anything else is straying from the newspaper’s script, and represents an alarming break with tradition…’

Posted: 17th, October 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Di A Thousand Deaths

‘LIKE the Express – which leads with a shot of Princess Di and the headline “DIANA’S DRIVER WAS NOT DRUNK” – Paul Burrell cannot leave the woman’s corpse alone.

As the Sun says, the toadying former butler has just finished hosting a weekend break at Littlecote House Hotel at Hungerford, Berkshire.

Burrell fans and the Diana fixated paid £400 each to attend “A Royal Invitation With Paul Burrell”, and sit slack-jawed and drooling as the ex-Royal flunkey wove his tales on his life as Diana’s rock.

But you need not pay anything like that – thanks to the Sun (yours for a mere 30p), you can hear Burrell talk to you directly.

Ignoring the empty seats at the Diana conference – of which an insider says there were “lots” – Burrell tells all.

“I am a rich man now,” says he. “Richer than I’ve ever been.” Indeed, we are all the richer for Paul’s stories, and for having through them come to know the real Diana.

But Burrell is also rich in other ways. He’s made a pile of cash peddling his tales of Diana. “I can’t defend myself against making money,” says he, “but I am helping to keep the Princess’s memory alive.”

Which, all said and done, is the important thing. Indeed, it’s a valuable service. What odds Sir Paul Burrell, knighted for services to geology, storage and cryogenics?’

Posted: 17th, October 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Spot The Dog

‘SPOT the dog. Go on, have a try. It’s not exactly the hardest thing to do, given that for most of the week Spot the dalmation puppy has been all over the front page of the Sun.

He’s there again, pictured before he was offed by thugs, lying on a carpet and looking all spotty and dog-like.

And like us, Spot’s now found what he’s been looking for. He’s found justice. As the front-page headline says: “JUSTICE FOR SPOT.”

It’s “a huge victory for the Sun”. The paper’s campaign to end animal cruelty, to “STAMP IT OUT”, has achieved its goal.

Thanks to the Sun, “torturers” will face a lifetime ban on owning pets, the length of time they can spend in jail will be doubled and the maximum fine the courts can hit them with will shoot up from £5,000 to £20,000.

“This is justice for Spot,” says Becky Lynch, Spot’s owner, who had been demanding that her dog’s killer should be locked up and the key thrown away.

As it is, the two youths arrested in connection with the murder of Spot will one day be free to walk among decent society – they were fingered by Paul Sutherland, who stirred by the Sun’s campaign and the £5,000 reward rang the paper’s Stamp It Out Animal Cruelty hotline.

Well done him. And congratulations to the Sun, which unable to yet name the arrested duo, makes do with naming and shaming 12 of the country’s “sickest” animal cruelty offenders.

There’s Gemma Brookfield, who slashed five of her ponies. Shame! Nadine Trewin cooked her cat in a microwave. Shame! Bill Seed killed three cats with a hammer. Shame!

And George Michael… Oh no! What’s his picture doing among this mob? Not to worry, George is good to pets, and has just popped along to give his celebrity backing to the Sun’s campaign.

And he’s joined by Mariah Carey (“The campaign is brilliant”), Rolf Harris and Jay Kay (“It beggars belief animals are killed or maimed in a society like ours”).

Jay Kay is right, as ever. It’s amazing how in modern Britain a pet can be hurt. Especially when the Express reminds us how there are so many humans out there to kill and maim.

As if stung into action by the Sun’s campaign, the Express dedicates two pages to “VIOLENT BRITIAN”. The paper hasn’t identified its own star victim, a human version of Spot – perhaps it’s spoilt for choice.

“The true horrors of life in Britain were laid bare yesterday,” says the paper. The Express has noticed what it calls a “series of mindless attacks” across the country.

“Hoodies batter old folk,” says one story. “Widow’s tragedy,” runs another. “Raider kills maid,” yells a third.

It’s sensational stuff. But we fear that without a petition, how can we put an end to such violence? Without a slogan we can chant, what can we do? Without celebrity support, the campaign to stamp out attacks on human beings looks likes a non-starter.

We are powerless to act – unless, of course, the murderers, thieves and rapists go for the pets…’

Posted: 14th, October 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Sitting Ducks

‘ANYONE got a pet duck? A goose? A turkey? If you have, best leave the room – you may find what we have to tell you upsetting.

Or else call the Sun STAMP OUT animal cruelty hotline and tell them that little Waggles is being threatened.

But hold on a moment. What’s good for the pooch and the kitty isn’t good for the gander, and the Sun turns a deaf ear to the squawks of protest from fowl lovers and screams: “DUCKS OF DEATH.”

News is that migrating birds winging their way to the UK in their tens of thousands may be carrying with them the deadly bird flu.

The Mail has the same news, telling us on its front page – “BIRD FLU: UK URGED TO BE ON GUARD.”

But before chicken enthusiasts stick a thermometer up Hennie Penny’s parson’s nose to see if she’s running a fever, the Mail tells us that you should first put on gloves and a mask – the bird flu can be passed to humans.

The Government has already stopped all imports of poultry products from Turkey, where strains of the lethal H5N1 stain have been detected. Bird owners are being advised to keep their charges indoors to limit contact with wild birds.

But why bother? There is nothing we can do to stop this disease. As the Express says on its front page: “Just a matter of time before virus that could kill millions hits Britain.”

“BIRD FLU ON OUR DOORSTEP,” screams the Express’s front-page headline. Look out! That blue tit pecking at the top of your milk bottle is loaded and deadly.

But there must be something we can do? The Express says steps can be taken. “If an outbreak in the UK is identified,” says the paper in a Q&A, “a mass cull of British poultry could be introduced”.

And that goes for any bird pets you may have. Like so much chicken, they’re stuffed.

So fly, Waggles, fly! The murderers are coming. You’re doomed. Even the Sun can’t, or won’t, save you…’

Posted: 14th, October 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Quake, Rattle & Roll

‘SHHH!! We can hear a tapping sound. It’s coming from beneath that pile of rubble in Pakistan. And there’s a voice. It sounds like a name is being called. Yes, it is. “Javine,” it says. “Help me, Javine.”

Happily, the Sun says Javine wasn’t listing to her iPod or watching EastEnders; the Eurovision song contest singer was all ears as she heard this earthquake victim’s cries for help.

“Celebrities…answered a plea from victims of the Asian earthquake,” says the Sun in “HELP US TO LIVE – Stars answer the cry from desperate victims of quake”.

The paper looks on as Javine manned a telephone line as part of a fund-raising appeal by the Disasters Emergency Committee.

What Javine said to the donors to get them to pledge money to her cause is not reported (perhaps she promised to sing; perhaps she promised not to). But her words were good enough to help donations from Brits top £5million.

Not that Javine was alone in her mission to help the needy and was assisted by Jamie Theakston.

Good on them for helping. When the call came, Britons C-list celebrities showed their mettle.

Although we can only imagine how many quake victims would have been helped had the likes of Kerry Katana and Anthea Turner joined in.

Maybe next time…’

Posted: 14th, October 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Pet Hates

‘NEXT time Fido brings you the morning paper in his drooling chops, take a look at the corners. Are they slightly torn, as if, perhaps, a small, licked paw has been flicking through the pages.

We ask this because the papers seem to be wooing animal readers. In “ONLY A MOTHER COULD LOVE THEM”, the Express publishes a double-page feature on baby animals.

And not just any puppies and cubs, but the not so good looking ones – the animals that were less invited to chase the ugly stick than they were coshed repeatedly over the head with it.

Look at Reggie the bald baboon, born in Paignton Zoo, Devon, three weeks ago. His mum loved him so much she licked all the hair off his head.

Get a load of that ratty newborn swamp wallaby. The baby wombat making a “dodgy start”. The alpaca calf with the bad hair. And the Douroucouli monkey, born at Marwell Zoo last year, who looks like the brother of Gollum from the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

But while the Express launches its equal opportunities programme for animals, its attempt to alter media-generated conceptions of what animal beauty is, the Sun launches a tough campaign of its own.

On the Sun’s front page appear the heads of two dogs, two pouting cats and a horse. These are not some new reality TV show pop group, rather a sample of the “200 pets killed or maimed every day”. It’s time to “STAMP IT OUT”.

Congratulations to the Sun for bringing this wrong to the attention of us all. With Omar Bakri ousted, the Sun needs a new cause.

While other papers spent the earlier part of the week leading with news of the thousands of humans feared dead in the Asian earthquake, the Sun used it front page to focus on the bigger story.

The paper knew that what would touch its readers more than scenes of men, women and children injured, their lives in ruins, was Spot the dog.

Spot was the dalmation puppy left hanging from a tree by sick thugs. The Sun produced a photo of this heinous crime on its cover. It “outraged the nation”.

Never again, says the Sun. And over two pages inside the paper, the Sun focuses on animal abuse and its plan to end it once and for all.

The paper’s crime writer is despatched to South Yorkshire, where Spot’s owner, “heartbroken mum” Becky Lynch, is at home.

“If they catch the people responsible they should lock them up and throw away the key,” says she. But it’s unlikely Becky’ll get what she wants under the current legislation – the maximum penalty for such a crime is six months in jail or a 5,000 fine.

Perhaps the Sun can bring about the necessary change in the law? Looking past shots of abused and killed animals, we get to the Sun’s petition.

“Addressed to Margaret Beckett, the Environment Secretary, the pre-written complaint runs: “I demand the Government acts urgently to reform the outdated laws on animal cruelty.”

You the reader want the Government to “INCREASE” the maximum jail sentence for animal cruelly. You want the powers that be to “ENFORCE lifetime bans on anyone found guilty of deliberate cruelty”. (Presumably this is a ban on owning animals, although don’t rule out banning culprits from watching England football matches and smoking in pubs.)

You call on Beckett to “INTRODUCE” a “duty of care”, making animal owners legally obliged to look after the critter’s welfare. And you want Tony Blair and his gang to “UPDATE” the “archaic” 1911 Protection of Animals Act.

You are then invited to sign the petition – either with a pen, if, say, you’re a chimpanzee, or by sticking your paw in a large pot of ink…’

Posted: 13th, October 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment