Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Tweeters & Woofers
‘THE Suns Page 3 stunna du jour Nicola T is backing the papers campaign to end animal abuse.
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Jordan tries to pick up Terry Wogan |
How anybody could do that is beyond belief, says she of Spot the hanged dalmation. I totally back the Sun campaign.
Typically tough stuff from Nicola; and with her in the animals corner, the campaign stands an even better chance of success.
If only Nicola could shout louder, so that everyone could her message, even those distracted from her voice by her bared breasts. But how can we turn her up? How can we pump up the volume?
Its easy. And a few pages on, we learn how. The Sun says that computer chips that store music could soon be fitted into breast implants – one boob could hold an MP3 player and the other the womans entire music collection.
As Ian Pearson, of BT Laboratories, says: It is now very hard for me to think of breast implants as just decorative. If a woman has something implanted permanently, it might as well do something useful.
Cant argue with that. But why stop at a music player? Why not implant a phone? Or a coffee machine? Or a wide-screen TV and satellite dish?
It all depends on the smallness of the technology and the size of the implant.
How long before the Suns Page 3 girls are broadcasting the papers news on video phones? And Jordan is embarking on a new career as a mobile PA system for rock converts…’
Shop Til You Drop
‘DID you know that the average Briton spends eight days of their life in a shopping centre every year? Thats a long time – you only get seven days inside for not paying your Council tax.
And having dutifully delivered that nugget of information to its readers, the Mail tells us what we are hoping to buy on these lengthy shopping expeditions.
While we await the advent of the implanted MP3 player, and the chance to see women fiddling beneath their tops as they tune into Phil Collins, we make do with other electronic gadgets.
Things like the Xbox 360 games console, which can be yours for a mere £209, or £171 if youre an American-based shopper.
Why this device is cheaper to buy over there than over here is a moot point. A spokesman for Microsoft, which makes the machine, says its all to do with additional costs in shipping, country specific taxes, the number of grains of sand on Bournemouth beach and any other reasons Britons have little hope of comprehending.
But if thats not your thing, the Sun says youll soon be snapping up the new iPod video player. Expected to cost around £219, music fans can download pop videos to their new machines.
Sounds great. Looks great. And should entertain the musos as they distractedly wander round the shopping centre – eyes down, ears encased in headphones, bumping into things and plummeting down escalators…’
Licence To Print Money
‘ANYONE whos ever seen the BBC show Two Pints of Lager And a Packet to Crisps will have wondered how much value theyre getting for their TV licence fee.
Not that its entirely fair to single out this dire show, not when just looking at last nights schedules you could have watched the celebrity spelling contest Star Spell on BBC1, followed by an ice and a slice of life in the EastEnders panto pub and then lost all hope as cringingly self-important Bill Oddie taught us how to spot crocodiles in Surbiton in Bill Oddies How To Watch Wildlife on BBC2.
But rather than wondering how much bang you get for your buck, the BBCs executives want us to think about how much better the corporations output would be if they had more money.
Three Pints of Crème de Menthe and a packet of black olives, anyone? Bill Oddie being fed to a shark in a garden pond?
The Suns front page says the BBC wants to raise the licence fee a compulsory purchase for any Briton who watches telly – from its current £126.50 a year to just under £180 a year by 2013.
Thats a lot of cash to watch average actors tell each other to Sort it! on the Beebs flagship soap and to keep TV gardener Alan Titchmarsh in rakes and hoes.
And people are unhappy. Sort it aht, says Tory MP Nigel Evans, who sits on the Commons Culture, Media and Sport Select Committee, to which BBC chairman Michel Grade and BBC Director General Mark Thompson made their pitch.
There are people out there who just dont get inflation-busting increases at all, says Evans. There is a poll tax on their TVs and theyve got to pay it.
As the Mirror says on it front page, the plan is for the licence fee to rise by the level of inflation currently 2.8 per cent – plus an extra 2.3 per cent each year for the next eight years.
But why the extra cash? As the Sun says, the BBC is already swimming in the stuff; well, not the Sun, but a certain Mark Thompson, who three years ago, when head of rival broadcaster Channel 4, said the Beeb was basking in a Jacuzzi of spare cash.
What happened in the last three years? Did someone turn the bubbles off? Was all this extra cash wasted? How much can it cost to broadcast reruns of Only Fools And Horses and put a tape of Neighbours in the video player twice every weekday?
Our audiences, rightly, have high expectations of the BBC, says Thompson to the parliamentary committee, as reported by the Mirror. They themselves are driving incredible change by the way they want to access our programmes and services.
If we the viewers are playing a key creative role, we should be paid for our time, or given a reduced licence fee.
But who are we? Its not all of us. British TV viewers might all pay for the BBC, coughing up £2.94 billion of our hard-earned cash each year, but, as the Mail says, not all of us tune into BBC TV.
What with satellite and cable, the Mail says only one viewer in four looks at BBC1; fewer than one in ten watches BBC2; and you might well be the only person alive or dead staring at the dull BBC News 24.
Rather than going up, the licence fee should be scrapped. People who want to watch the BBC can then pay to watch it, as they do with SKY TV.
The quality of the programming might not improve, but at least we wont be made to pay for it…’
Defence Of The Realm
‘OI! You! Yes you. The one in new Chelsea football shirt, with the label still attached. How many members of the Chelsea team can you name?
Thats a simple enough question. And given the size of the squad at the club built by Russian billionaire Roman Abramovich, if you shout out any footballers name, youll probably be right.
But Israeli Oded Kalfon somehow failed in this simple task. The Sun says that when Kalfon flew into London for a holiday he was met by the immigration squad.
Why are you here? they asked. Im on oliday, said Kalfon. Guards: What are your plans?
Kaflon: Im going to watch a football match.
Guards: Which team?
Kaflon: Arsenal or Chelsea.
Guards: Name some Chelsea players, then.
Unbelievably, given footballs blanket coverage, Kaflon could not. Which meant that after being quizzed for four hours, and spending eights hours on his jolly holidays, Kaflon was on a plane back home.
But the 24-year-old restaurant worker shouldnt worry. He can always come back. And we advise that next time he eschews the charms of Heathrow and instead takes the Channel Tunnel.
And he neednt even buy a ticket to travel. As the Mirror says, those planning to take the trip can do as Lance Dyer did and walk the route.
Sure Dyer was arrested by French police when he emerged blinking from the tunnel after his 15-hour stroll from Folkestone to Calais, but it hadnt cost him a euro.
Dyer, who walked the 31-mile long tunnel in a pair of flip-flops, was soon handed over to Kent police and charged with causing a public nuisance and endangering life by being on a railway line.
The police are now questioning him as to how he managed to evade security and get inside the tunnel, and if he has ever played for Chelsea…’
Dead Unsure
‘ITS like listening to a macabre auction as the papers bid to work out how many are dead in the Asian earthquake.
The Sun estimates the death count at 30,000. The Express says the disaster toll has reached 40,000. The Mail says 20,000 children are dead, while the fate of a further 10,000 people is unknown.
Add those figures to the 10,000 we were told had died in Hurricane Katrina, and the Mail says you could be forgiven for thinking this was the year the Earth was cursed.
Its tempting to think, says Michael Hanlon, the Mails science editor, that Earth…is taking her revenge on humanity for a century or more of profligacy, pollution and over-population. But dont worry. Hanlon says such a temptation should be dismissed. Were okay.
Even if, as the Mail also says, there are fears that faced with so much disaster the British are suffering from compassion fatigue.
The combined effects of the earthquake, the famine in Niger, the Asian tsunami and Katrina can stop us giving. Too many charity records dull the senses and make our hearts hard.
Perhaps this is why the papers speak in big numbers? Are they worried that we will only respond if the body count is high enough?
Why bother finding out the real figure when you can round up the number of those thought to have been killed to the nearest ten thousand? If you wont give at 10,000 dead, what about at 20,000? 30,000? More? The papers can get more. How much will it take to get the readers digging ever deeper into their pockets?
And this one-upmanship continues at a more local level. The Express spots Mir Eijaz, from Luton, and says how hes lost 60 relatives in the disaster. Its hard to take in something like that. Its too appalling.
But over in the Mail, things are even grimmer for Kahwaja Iqbal, a businessman from Oldham, who says 80 of his relatives are feared dead.
But if you want something more, turn to the Suns headline 100 of our family dead in the rubble, and take in the grief-stricken family of distraught Kanweez Ahmed.
But while the papers search for the biggest sufferer, the British people just hear the pain and give.
The Mail says Britons have already pledged millions to support those hurt by the Asian earthquake.
However many they may be…’
Take Hart
‘THE Asian earthquake doesnt make the front page of the Sun – not that the papers readers dodge tales of destruction and death.
Beneath a picture of Ronnie Barker, back from his new grave to plug a free DVD, the Sun is offering a £5,000 reward to bring the sick thugs who hung a puppy from a tree to justice.
Forget for a moment the war in Iraq. Move your eyes away from the piles of rubble in Pakistan. And know that a little puppy has been cruelly murdered. The Sun knows this is what matters most to the pet-loving British people.
And theres more. The Suns front page says theres been a fire. A terrible, terrible fire. Many are dead. The role call is grim.
Tony Harts pals Morph and Chaz? Dead. Pickles the guide dog? Dead. Rocky and Ginger? Dead. Douglas from the Lurpak butter ads? Melted.
And theres dear old sporty Frank, who told us how his new central heating system was turn-on and turn-offable. Hes dead. Too warm and slow to run, Frank was cooked in his shell and headband.
But among the carnage, there is good news. The Sun hears a gentle tapping sound on charred timbers. And scrambling down with its hands, it locates Wallace and Gromit alive and well.
A whole history of Aardman Animations may well have gone up in smoke, in what the Mail calls the Great Plasticine Inferno, but the beloved man and his dog are still in the land of the living.
On a day of tragedy, this is some heartening news…’
Having A Pop
‘DER-DER der-der, der-der, der-der… Whats that droning sound? Liam Gallagher, of course, calling his fellow pop princes a few names.
The Sun says that the war between Chris Martin, lead singer of Coldplay, and Liam Gallagher, the Oasis front man, erupted as the pair came face to face at yesterdays Q music awards.
And do not doubt that this is war. And that includes you, Martin, who had the temerity to ask the Suns girl on the scene: Am I supposed to be at war with Liam?
Indeed, you are. The paper says so. And so does Liam, who when Martin went to collect this bands Best act in the world today award rode into battle.
Nob-head, he heckled from the seats like a valiant knight of yore. Come on, have a pop! Youre a plant pot.
Crikey! Anymore of that and the United Nations will have to step into the fray, unless the Americans dont get there first and blow everything up.
But the war was over before it began. The Mail hears Martin send his love to Gallagher. Were not in a fight with everyone, says he, just George Bush.
We look forward to that – taking on the 81-year-old former US President might well be a fight Martin, the man Gallagher compared to geography teacher, stands some chance of winning…’
A Living Hell
‘PUTTING the news in perspective so often depends on which end of a pint glass youre looking at it through.
Looking down, staring into their pints, readers can see a small corner section of the Suns front-page given over to the grim news: 30,000 die in quake.
You can hear kids crying under rubble, says the story of the Asian earthquake inside the paper. There are awful pictures of flattened houses and tower blocks, and a hideous shot of an arm limply hanging out from between two huge slabs of fallen rubble.
But how important is it? Does such news affect everyone in Blighty equally?
Not if we look up at the Sun through the bottom of an emptying glass of lager, drunk fast to celebrate the news that England FC have qualified for the World Cup finals this summer.
Sure, the Sun mentions the devastation centred on Pakistan, but the core of the papers readership is invited to tremble at the front-page headline proper: WORLD CUP CHAOS. It is fans ticket hell.
The story is that while 100,000 fans are hellbent on spending their summer hols travelling around Germany in an England football shirt and chanting about two World Wars and one World Cup to bemused and terrified Turkish shopkeepers, theyre only being offered 3,000 tickets per game. And this is nothing less than hell.
While many British subjects are worrying over loved ones possibly caught or trapped in the earthquake, desperate England fans are ready to pay £1k for a football ticket.
This is a slap in the face to genuine fans, says Kevin Miles, international co-ordinator for the Football Supporters Association. The people who are getting tickets are less deserving than the ones who are missing out.
Not that you always get what you deserve. Just ask the England football fans who travel abroad to raise a glass too many and cause mayhem.
And then ask the people searching the ground for signs of life in Pakistan…’
Coke To Blighty
‘COCAINE has never been more popular – at least not in the Mirror, where Kate Moss is still the big, front-page story of the day.
Where fashionable Moss leads others follow. And here comes Elton John to give us his considered opinion on the matter in: ELTON: IM GLAD KATE WAS CAUGHT.
Im just glad Kate is there, says Elton, looking on as Moss checks into The Meadows clinic in Arizona. I am happy she is doing something.
Elton also wants to thank the British media for giving Kate a hard time. They wont let you get away with it, says Elton, who, as the paper reminds us all, experienced his own battle with drugs.
I wish Elvis Presley had lived in England because if he had, he would probably still be alive today, says Elton. And aged 70, perhaps The Pelvis would be all set to become the latest council tax martyr and reprise his role in Jailhouse Rock.
But while we imagine an old Elvis swivelling his new titanium hips on day-time telly, and are invited by the Mirror to view the pictures of a 14-year-old Moss on her first fashion shoot, the Mirror has news of Boy George.
The singer is spotted arriving back in Blighty after being held for 20 hours by police in New York. The cops claim to have found five grams of cocaine in the stars apartment.
This news is too fresh for Elton John to be able to comment on. But we do get to hear that the singer, real name George ODowd, will deny any charge and claim the drugs belong to someone else.
And do not doubt that they could have belonged to just about anyone. The signs are that Moss has done for cocaine what she once did for Burberry shes made it fashionable.
Everyones at it. And the Sun says how four mechanics have been rushed to hospital after drinking tea from an urn in which a colleague had hidden his stash of cocaine.
There is no suggestion that any of the workers knows Elton John, nor has fraternised with Kate Moss or any of her Mosss Posse.
All the Sun tells us is that when the workers at the Pip Bayley Truck Centre at Blunham, Beds, tried their morning cuppas, they realised immediately it wasnt PG Tips.
All four workers who quaffed the noxious brew were seen by a doctor and are now fine.
Police are investigating the incident, but are not certain who is responsible. Especially not since Moss is in Arizona with an alibi, and Elvis is dead…’
Browned Off
‘SIENNA Miller is not at all contrite, says the Mail as news of her two-week fling with a certain Daniel Craig causes Jude Law to dump her.
But can we believe it? Because over in the Sun, Millers a sobbing love cheat. She tells a pal: Ive lost everything. Shes broken down in tears in Morocco, where shes in hiding amid revelations that she dallied with Craig last month.
Miller is either a good actress, or else one of the papers has got it wrong.
While Millers reactions to the news of her affair are debatable, both papers agree that she and Laws romance is finished.
The Mail says Law has severed all ties with the actress. He even telephoned Craig and gave him both barrels.
Not that Laws soap box is all that high, or clean. This, as the Mail reminds us, is the actor who cheated on Miller with his childrens nanny.
A close friend tells the Sun: Jude knows he was in the wrong with what he did. But he never dreamed Sienna would go and do the same let alone with his friend. Hes gutted.
Hang on a moment. What little we know about the so-called Primrose Hill set, of which Law and Miller are both key players, is that membership pretty much dictates that everyone sleeps with everyone else.
The true shock is that Miller and Craig havent done it before. Oh, and that Kate Moss wasnt there…’
Plastic Pop
‘PREGNANT Katie Holmes can only look on in envy as she reads the Stars headline: BRITNEY GIVES BIRTH TO DOLLS.
Dolls have small heads that can freely rotate and so lessen the chance of a breach birth and causing pain. Dolls have long, smooth and slippery limbs. Dolls dont turn their mother onto drugs at the outset, like those other real children.
But the truth is that Britneys newborn son Preston is not a dolly at all. Hes a bouncing bundle of flesh and bone.
This dolly Preston is what Britney has urged toy makers to produce. And to go with it, she wants her entire family to be turned into plastic people.
Granted, this may already have been done. But if Britney has her way, we will soon be able to own our very own Spears clan, complete with husband Kevin and miniature dogs for plastic Britney to carry around.
A source tells the paper that the Britney dolly would be made to sing her biggest hits. A switch of Kevins back will see him breakdance. And another switch will allow Preston to cry.
Which is something else Katie Holmes can be envious of…’
Rooney With A View
‘ANYONE with £16million to spare can now buy the home lived in by a once happy and very much in love Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt.
Cruelly, just as renovations to their home were being completed, Jen and Brads marriage began to crumble like so much old masonry.
But now the home could be yours. And the Sun is keen to secure a deal. The paper dons a pink shirt, contorts its face into a syrupy grin and becomes an estate agent.
And you can but fail to be impressed by the sprawling house? Spice up your lives in the shower for two. Chow down with the great and good at a glass-top table in the modern dining room. Sip a cocktail at the bar. And unwind in the white bedroom, equipped with fireplace and optional his n hers teas maids.
Or buy three of Wayne Rooney and Coleens new mansion, which, as the Mail says, is very nearly ready for them to move in.
Chav Towers has been built at a cost of more than £4.5million, and boasts its own five-a-side football pitch, and basketball, tennis and badminton courts.
While its hard to see Wayne and Coleen hitting a shuttlecock back and forth across the net of an evening, its easier to imagine her luxuriating in the pink Roman bath while Wayne chills out in the Wild West cinema.
It all sounds just brilliant. And we marvel at the Mails news that plans are afoot to have the marbled hall inlaid with the initials of the new owners first names WC.
Which is well nice…’
Cruise Control
‘WOULD mother of six Jackie Smith have given birth to such a brood had she been carrying Tom Cruises children? And dont forget the four other children Jackies given birth to as a surrogate mother.
Theres Jackie in the Mail, looking understandably full of hip and round of tum; shes pregnant again and is expecting surrogate number five to pop out on Christmas Eve. And aged just 39, Jackie thinks she has more babies to bear.
While we gaze with wide-eyed wonder at Jackie, and wonder if you can be treated for an addiction to child birth at The Priory or some other clinic, we return to our opening question: would Jackie have had so many nippers if she was with Tom Cruise?
And we wager that the answer would surely be a loud: No! If you doubt our opinion, take a look at the Suns headline and think again: KATIES FACING CULTS SILENT BIRTH Toms girl banned from crying in pain.
Since its unlikely Katie Holmes, for it is she, will be crying for sheer joy or from laughing too hard in the delivery room, we marvel at her fortitude.
And investigate the reason for this ban, which is routed in Scientology, the doctrine Tom adheres to and in which Katie is being tutored.
As Scientologys creator, the boaty L. Ron Hubbard writes: Maintain silence in the presence of birth to save both the sanity of the mother and the child.
Quite right, says John Travolta, that other Scientologist of renown, who insisted his wife Kelly Preston gave birth to his daughter in silence, something the Sun says she was unable to do and wound up crying out.
Says Travolta, who like Cruise and Hubbard is a man: In Dianetics you try and keep the delivery room quiet so theres nothing recorded in the childs mind that shouldnt be there while theres pain going on.
Er, yes. Anyone who can make sense of that can explain it to the rest of us.
And know that such talk flies in the face of the advice given by countless other showbiz types, who like to shout as loud as they can before, during and after their pregnancies, and then tell anyone and everyone all about it in minute detail.
But thats nor for Katie. And if shes thinking of having a strong epidural or being knocked unconscious by a hammer, Hubbard has a few more words of advice: The delivery should carry as little anaesthetic as possible.
The pain of childbirth will be intense. And we wince at the thought of things becoming complicated and Holmes having a Caesarean, or an emergency Caesarean as its known in showbiz circles.
We duly advise Holmes to alleviate the pain, and in so doing remain mute, by chomping down on something spongy and yielding, like a book on Scientology or Toms head…’
Posted: 7th, October 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Gathering Moss.
‘WITH Kate Moss in an American clinic and Sadie Frost at a meeting for Alcoholics Anonymous, the fabled Primrose Hill clique of rich British celebrities is looking a bit thin on members.
But Moss is not yet yesterdays news. And there she is as usual on the front page of the Sun, a picture of her even features and clear complexion appearing beside the headline: KATE TO BE ARRESTED.
The Sun says that as soon as Moss touches a perfect toe back on British soil, police will swoop and arrest her on suspicion of supplying cocaine. She will be taken to a police station and formerly arrested.
Its an order thats come from the highest ranks at Scotland Yard. As a source explains: This is being dealt with very seriously due to her position in public life. We dont want her use of this deadly drug to glamorise it.
Quite so. And we congratulate the police for taking as much interests in the affairs of an A-list model as they would should your home be burgled or a black teenager murdered on a South London street.
But while this is justice, we take no pleasure in the fall of Moss. Just as we read with a heavy heart the news that Mosss mucker, the aforesaid Frost, has been going to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Why shes doing this would seem obvious, but an insider is keen to tell us its not what you think. She hasnt got a serious drink problem, says this source. Oh? But after what shes seen her best friend go through in recent weeks she thought it would be a good idea to try and gain an understanding of what happens when you drink to excess.
Someone should tell Frost its cocaine not drink thats causing Moss grief. And that if shes interested in investigating the harmful effects of too much booze, she could drink to excess in the privacy of her own home. Or visit any town centre at pub closing time on a Saturday night and take notes and, perhaps, a video.
But with Moss out of the picture, and Frost in AA for research purposes, we cast around to see who if anyone can form part of the depleted set, the keep the Moss Posse at large.
And over in the Mirror we have our first wannabe member. Hes Australian rocker Daniel Johns, and hes just been chucked out of Londons Boujis nightclub for excitedly jumping around on the dance floor.
In his defence we must state that behaving in such a fashion may well constitute dancing where Johns hails from. But this was London, and rightly he had to go.
As so did his wife, the young Carol Vorderman look-alike, singer Natalie Imbruglia. Shed been quaffing champagne with her man and some pals and, like Johns, was dancing like a mal-coordinated Masai tribesman.
That put a dampner of their evening. But they must not fret – such excess surely marks them out as potential new recruits to the Moss Posse.
Now, if they can just both sleep with Moss…’
Mission Accomplished
‘YOU can tell a lot about the way a man makes love by the way he dances.
And when we saw Tom Cruise bounce around on the Oprah Winfrey show as he enthused wildly about his young lover, the actress Katie Holmes, we knew that very soon shed be pregnant or in intensive care.
Happily, we learn on the Mails front page that Holmes is as alive and kicking as the embryo growing within her womb.
Cruise the daddy, puns the Sun, as it confirms the news that Holmes, 26, is carrying 43-year-old Cruises child.
Tom is said to be so excited. Katie says she never felt better. And Toms spokesman Lee Anne Devette, whos also his sister, says how the whole family is really excited.
But I cant say when the baby is due or if its a boy or a girl, says she.
Which leaves us all to guess. And for the Mail to remember the moment when just eight weeks after meeting Holmes in April, Cruise took a new cheese to France and proposed to his young lover atop the Eiffel Tower.
The Sun gets out its abacus and star charts and calculates by some means or another that Holmes is now thought to be three months pregnant.
Which suggest to us that Holmes should give birth sometime around the first of April next year. Which, contrary to popular myth, if not also the excitable Cruises birthday…’
Stealing The Show
‘JADE Goody will not be appearing before the Beak for her part in what the Sun calls ASDAGATE.
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| ‘But I found him in aisle 10’ |
The supermarket chain has decided not to pursue any case against the reality TV star after she, allegedly, failed to pay for a size 16 denim waistcoat.
Jade will get away with it. And the Sun thinks it knows why. Notice to customers, says the Suns sign. Shoplifters will be prosecuted (Unless youre a C-list celebrity wholl help shift our goods.)
Thats good news for Jade, and encouraging news for other celebs, like Richard Madeley and Winona Ryder.
But even with Jades celebrity endorsement, sales of the item have yet to rocket. Jades yet to do for revolting denim waistcoats what Delia Smith once did for omelette pans and Jamie Oliver for goose fat.
Perhaps unsurprisingly, millions of women are not today dashing to the supermarket to get the Jade look.
And the stores new advertising campaign is yet to feature a shoplifter patting the back pocket of her jeans (with security tag intact) in delight at the stores low prices as she hawks her booty at the local market.
In any case, Jade is innocent. I have two houses and four cars, says she. Why would I steal a £16 jacket?
We have not the foggiest idea. Perhaps to wear it? Why does anyone steal anything? But before we get into a heated debate on what ownership is and why one woman steals and another does not, we see some potential in this event.
Might it be that the CCTV footage of Goody moving about the supermarket could form the basis of a new reality TV show?
As a spokesman for Asda says: CCTV followed her because they knew she was famous. Which leads us to wonder why famous people get this special treatment? Are they more likely to steal than the rest of us? Has the trained eye of the security guard spotted a trend?
If so, all hail Celebrity Shoplifting, the show in which celebs try to see how much thy can steal in a day.
And the best thing is that it will all be for charity. Which should see off any protests from the owners of the purloined goods, and help those good causes and the needy…’
The Contestants
‘CELEBRITY Shoplifting is sure to be a big hit. And TV executives shouldnt worry if the great and good are less than eager to join in the fun not when there are so many celebrity jailbirds up for the challenge.
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| But is it loaded? |
The Mail spots one celebrity lag, Alfred Riley. As the Mail reports, the 71-year-old retired vicar has just been released from Woodhill Prison, where hes served a 28-day sentence for non-payment of his council tax.
Riley refused to pay the 8.5 per cent increase on the onerous tax and instead offered 2.5 per cent extra to cover inflation. This left his bill £64 in arrears.
Punished but unbowed, Riley fully intends to keep on fighting for his cause. Now I am out the campaign for justice goes on, says he. I, and thousands like me, will not go away until this illegal tax is reformed.
So much for contestant number one. What of numbers two and three?
The Sun cast around the cells and spots CEREAL KILLER Rose West.
The paper says that the murderess has landed a job as a dinner lady in Britains plushest prison, Bronzefield, a privately-run jail in Middlesex.
West might well be a devil incarnate, but the Sun still thinks shes worth a pun and even mocks her up in full dinner lady garb. Its all about as tasteful as the slops she dishes out at a wage of £7.50 a week.
And completing the line-up is Charles Bronson the Most Dangerous Man in Britain. (Even more dangerous than terrorists, Muslim fanatics and Brazilian electricians.)
Bronson has been brushing up his celebrity CV by painting. Some of his works feature in the Sun, and can be yours, should you choose to buy or steal them from art dealer James Treacle.
This is a man who handled a sawn off shotgun before a paintbrush and his talent is remarkable, gushes Treacle – who perhaps mindful of how Bronson once held art lecturer Phil Daniels hostage in Hull prison after the teacher criticised his sketches, lavishes praise on the drawings.
And so we have our contestants. Now to the tricky business of getting them into Asda without arousing suspicion…’
Goody’s Grief
‘ALL property is theft. Which means Jade Goody cannot be guilty of stealing a £16 waistcoat from the Asda supermarket in Harlow, Essex.
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| Jade makes an arresting sight |
The allegedly stolen item might even be the garment the former reality TV star is wearing on the Suns front cover, as the world shudders to the news: TV JADE IN ASDA SHOPLIFT ARREST.
We could be no more shocked by this front-page sensation had Goody been fingered as the leader of those anarchist Wombles. Can it really be that Goody is Britains answer to Winona Ryder?
Can Goody really be a villain? For crimes against the English language, she is guilty as charged. For conspiracy to corrupt kebabs, she must go down. But guilty of common theft? Surely not.
But the story that a security guard found the waistcoat in among Goodys weekly shop, after a security tag had set of an alarm, suggests a lengthening rap sheet.
While police question Goody, and deny claims that the TV star is being turned into an escape goat’ (sic), the Mail spots another celebrity shopper with trouble in store.
If it isnt Coleen McGlouglin doing what she does best and giving her credit cards a good airing.
The paper has followed the would-be Mrs Wayne Rooney to Madrid, where its spotted her ready to splash out a mere £1,343 on a chavtastic belt.
Standing in the Chanel cash and carry, Coleen goes to pay. She offers the shop assistant her card. The card is rejected. She offers it again. Once more the machine spits it out. And praying for third time lucky, the card is put through the ringer once more. But no. Its a hat-trick. Credit has been denied.
She got very flustered, says an eyewitness, and tried to call Wayne into the shop. But he couldnt see her waving her hands in the air.
Eventually, the driver of the car, in which Wayne was sat with a face like thunder, spotted Coleens dance and went to see what was wrong. He fetched a furious Rooney and the foul-mouthed England footballer coughed up.
Nice one, Wayne. And well done Coleen for keeping cool in a crisis, and for not daring to let go of that belt.
But we are left wondering why Coleens credit was refused? Might it be that her card could take not more abuse? Or perhaps Wayne had stopped the card and was having a little joke at his lovers expense?
Even if she did have the last laugh and, ultimately, make him pay for it…’
Rolling Back The Years
‘IF you are what you eat, might it be that Mick Jagger should go easier on the prunes?
| Better rolling oats than stones |
We address the question not to the slim-hipped singer, but to his current beau, the high-haired and leggy LWren Scott.
Before answering she pauses, as befits a woman with an apostrophe in her name, and tells us that on the contrary, Mick and the rest of his gang of Rolling Stones should eat a still healthier diet. As the Express says on its front page, LWren even wants Keith Richards to stop smoking.
This might sound entirely sensible, but we are forced to point out that smoking is a way to preserve meat, and if Richards stops lighting up, he may suddenly ripen and quickly go off.
Better, perhaps, if LWren has a word with George Best, who, as the Sun says, has a diet that has taken him from bar to intensive care.
Hes pressed the self-destruct button and he knows hes killing himself, says a friend. Its sad to see him spiral downwards so fast – but its no great surprise to anyone.
Best, who suffers from alcoholism, has a severe kidney infection. He had a liver transplant in 2002 but he failed to give up the demon drink.
Another friend of Bests tells the Sun that the former footballer was downing ten bottles of wine in a single session.
We wish Best well, and a speedy recovery. And our sympathies go out to the family of the donor whose liver was given to such a lost cause and to the surgeons who gave their time and efforts to protect Bests health.
And realise that the pickling effects of alcohol are not to everyones tastes…’
For Pete’s Sake
‘IN the Eighties, heroin screwed you up. That at least was the message scrawled by the Government of the day across TV screens and billboards.
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| ‘What cigarette?’ |
For added impact, the top childrens TV show of the time, Grange Hill, scored a tea-time plot in which one of the cooler characters became a junkie.
Some years on, and taking drugs might well still screw you up, but it also makes you deeply fascinating to the press. Thats why for the umpteenth day running, the Sun has a story on rock junkie Peter Doherty.
And the big news is that the singer has been arrested.
As Pete and his band finished a gig at Shrewsburys salubrious Music Hall, a 15-stong police squad raided the place.
Doherty was promptly arrested in his dressing room, taken to the local police station and asked about his alleged possession of a class A drug.
Those clever chaps at the force had been keeping their ears to the ground, and their noses in a copy of the Mirror, and worked out that Doherty, man who carries the epithet junkie, might be carrying some illegal substances.
Not that the man still billed as Cocaine Kates boyfriend in the Mail was concerned. Its OK, Pete shouted as he was carted off. Ive got nothing on me.
And he appeared to have been telling the truth as the Sun, which had waited patiently outside the nick, sees Doherty soon freed without charge.
Which all adds up to not very much. Its all a load of rubbish, says Doherty in the Mail.
Or junk, as readers are learning to call it…’
Diana’s Other Rock
‘BOMBS going off in Bali many dead – not enough for you? Want something juicier? Something more sensational? Well, youd best buy the Express, which digs six-feet down into its resources and screams: DIANAS SECRET WEDDING PLAN.
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| Can it be real? |
This is some news for us who had thought Princess Diana, for it is ever she, was dead.
Could it be possible that she has somehow returned from beyond for one more walk down the aisle? Is she right now staying in Paul Burrells attic, or dictating another book at his bedside?
Not that Diana ever went away from the Express, which uses its typesetting skill like an occultist uses a Ouija board to contact the deceased Diana whenever it wants a new front-page headline.
Today the Expresss spiritualists relay the message that when she and her lover died, Princess Di and Dodi Fayed were planning to announce their engagement.
Not only that, but at the time of the accident, Di and Dodi were on their way to his apartment, where he planned to propose.
The Princess had even chosen the £130,000 engagement ring for herself a ring that is now shown to the world. For the record, and for all women who want to get the Di look, this ring is covered in diamonds. At its front is a four-pointed star, also covered in diamonds and edged in yellow gold. It is either horrible or hideous, depending on which angle you approach it from.
And then, looking at it, and remembering that Di did possess a certain style, we begin to wonder how genuine this story is. Did Dis wardrobe contain an outfit that would sit easily with this monstrosity?
Alberto Repossi says it is all true. He told the inquiry into the couples death that the ring was all set to be winched onto Dis elegant finger.
Only, who is this Repossi? Why, as the Express tells us, hes a trusty Monte Carlo-based jeweller, who includes the ring in his Say Yes collection.
Such a revelation, however true – and Repossis statement says it is can do little damage to the jewellers reputation.
Which brings us to the crux of this matter, and to Expresss question: Does Dianas engagement ring support claims she was murdered?
Yes. No. Dont know.
But looking at that ring again, and considering its dimensions, it could probably support that and a whole lot more besides…’
Walter Walter Everywhere
‘F*****G Tony Blair. Well, he started it when he started talking about the f****g Welsh.
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| ‘Look at me, mum, I’m on the telly’ |
And in any case, its only words, and they cannot hurt all that much. So heres another one: Nonsense.
Ooer! Our mistake. Look out! Here comes burly Joe Ifill (You In) to tell us to pipe down or else. The Sun says hes the Labour steward paid to chuck out hecklers and people off-message, like 82-year-old Walter Wolfgang.
For those readers who missed the cathartic moment in the New Labour programme when an elderly man was dragged off, the Sun reproduces shots of Ifill going about his work.
And hes not alone. Like Goldberg and McCann in Harold Pinters The Birthday Party, Ifill, the car clamper and pub bouncer, has a sidekick. And hes revealed to be the former Labour councillor Wally Hobson.
Sun readers get to relive that moment when Hobson takes a firm hold on Walters collar, lifts him from his seat and then, with Ifill pushing the heckler from the rear, bundles Walter from the conference chamber.
Unluckily for Labour, the doltish stewards didnt drive Walter to a secluded spot well out of Brighton and dump him there, but went and placed him directly under the media spotlight. In an instant, Walter was changed from being just another pensioner with an axe to grind into a man to be reckoned with.
So heres Walter splashed over two pages in the Mirror. Hes had his conference pass returned and been apologised to by Tony Blair and Jack Straw. Both have promised that it wont happen again and that they will not order his home to be bombed.
Walter is glad to be back. But hes far from contrite. If I considered it necessary, I would, says Walter when asked if he would heckle again. We cannot stifle debate by hiring heavies, he adds.
Were really, really sorry, says Tony Blair, proving that even he can apologise when faced with compelling evidence of wrongdoing.
We didnt want it, says Defence Secretary John Reid. It shouldnt have happened. Its not the way we do things in here.
Nice apologies. Full and frank. But, as weve seen, it is the way New Labour does things in the conference chamber, and too often its the way the Government goes about its work in the wider world.
But if one good thing did come of the heavy-handed attempts at silencing Walter it is that the issue of Iraq took centre stage.
Or f****** Iraq, as Tony may well be wont to call it…’
Retail Therapy
‘LOOK! The Mirror has spotted Sienna Miller engaging in a bit of retail therapy in a Milan shoe shop.
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| No, Davinia, keep your top on until someone’s watching’ |
Good for her. A few hundred quid spent on a pair of heels may sound expensive but its a darn sight cheaper than most other kinds of therapy.
Poor old Kate Moss is paying £2,250 a night to stay in The Meadows clinic in the Arizona desert. As the Sun says, this venue is a Level 1 Psychiatric Acute Hospital which follows the 12-Step Programme to a cleaner and brighter life.
And Kates not allowed to make those steps in killer shoes. Unlike Miller, Moss is to be deprived of lifes luxuries.
As too is one other part of the so-called Primrose Hill set, the ex-soap actress Davinia Taylor.
Further on in the paper, the Sun reports that the girl who, allegedly, formed the third part of a threesome with Sadie Frost and the aforesaid Moss is now said to have bedded Frosts new man Barry Smith.
Davinias husband, one Dave Gardner, billed as David Beckhams best friend, is not best pleased but vows to stand by his wayward wife.
And at least he knows where she is right now – the Sun says shes being treated in a clinic in South West London.
There may well be a few such establishments in that area, but we who have watched the celebrity set for many a long year note that The Priory care home for the fatigued and depressed star lies in those leafy parts.
And in the Suns THE GOOD REHAB GUIDE, we see that The Priory is Londons oldest psychiatric hospital and adheres to the tough love regime.
Its credentials sound impeccable, until we note that Kate Moss has already enjoyed a stay within the Priorys walls and looking at her now, its pretty clear the place cannot guarantee that all of its alumni will get better and stay well.
Theres also the Thamkrabok Monastery, Thailand. Pete Doherty went to this place, dubbed the worlds toughest and toughed it out for three days.
And theres Clouds. Paula Yates and Robbie Williams have put their heads in the Clouds. Which is marvellous.
And so informed, its clear that any star watchers keen to rub up close with their idol should head to their local clinic for some celebrity therapy.
Or get a job in a shoe shop…’
Ma Cherie
‘BEAUTY is in the eye of the beholder, and looking at the Mirrors front-page shot of Stephen Smerdon, we see no glasses perched on his nose, nor an obedient Labrador dog by his side. Smerdons eyesight seems faultless.
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| Did Cherie turn Stephen to drink? |
So while we peruse the national archives for pictures of his classmates from many moons ago, we are forced to accept his news that Cherie was the prettiest girl in school.
And lucky old Stephen was in clover when he became, at age 7, Cheries first true love.
Since hindsight gives us all 20-20 vision, the pub landlord is able to tell the Mirror with great clarity how he and Cherie shared a first kiss under a railway bridge.
I will never forget it, says Stephen, who now runs a pub in Hertfordshire. She was such a pretty girl. Every boy was after her, and I was the one that got her… She was the prettiest girl in school by a mile.
He goes on to say how while in the park with a group of other children, he and Cherie craved privacy. So they headed for the Iron Bridge. They kissed. It was heaven and wasnt rushed, says he. It was long and lingering. And: I felt elated afterwards.
All very lovely, were sure. But while Smerdon reminisces and dreams of what could have been, we wonder why were being told this gem of intensely personal information now?
The Mail says Smerdons lips became unsealed when Cherie, in Brighton for the Labour Party conference, approached an Ordnance Survey stall.
Looking at the Liverpool street she grew up in as a child, Cherie came over all misty-eyed when she spotted the aforesaid bridge and remembered her first kiss. And the boys name.
That triggered a hunt to find this Smerdon character. And the papers found him. And now Smerdon is not all that happy. If I saw her today I would kick her backside for naming me like that, says he although if he did, hed most likely be given an Asbo.
Not that Cherie is a hard woman on a mission to turn the world of diplomacy into a supermarket trolley dash. No, shes a girl who dared to love…’
Fashion’s Victim
‘A WEEK is a long time in the life of Kate Moss, who has mutated from Cocaine Kate to Brave Kate in the Sun. The Sun will be rooting for you, Kate. You can do it, cheers the paper in its editorial.
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| The victim |
What happened? One moment Moss was the pariah of the Western world, the fashion leader who would turn every impressionable teen into a twisted, drug-addled menace. Now shes brave, and the Sun is wishing her its best of British?
The answer comes on the Suns front page. And in KATE IN REHAB readers learn that Moss is now spending more than the £200 a day she spooned out on cocaine for a £20,000 30-day course to kick her habit.
The Sun is right behind her. Not that she can hear the papers words of encouragement, because The Meadows centre, Arizona, where shes undergoing treatment, allows her no links with the outside world.
And that might be a good thing, because the last thing Clean Kate needs is a relapse brought about by watching the TV show Kate Moss: Fashion Victim, which the Sun says will show Kate snorting cocaine. And for those of you interested in seeing such things, the show will be broadcast on Sky One, the channel owned by Sun owner Rupert Murdoch.
But while Kate the bad alters into a victim, the Mirror, which broke the story of her predilection for cocaine, has a word with a woman who knows her best. No, not her dealer. Her mum.
My Kates great, says the woman whos been surrogate mum to the supermodel for 18 years, runs the headline and blurb atop the papers Page 3.
This stand-in mum is called Sarah Doukas, and shes taken a keen interest in her protege ever since discovering her 18 years ago at JFK airport.
It was Sarah who broke the news to the model that Cocaine Kate was all over the front pages. I called her immediately, says Sarah. She was gutted, absolutely devastated.
And Sarah was shocked. Ive never seen that side of her that theyve written about, says she of Kate, a fantastic mother. I didnt feel it was my business to probe…Weve spoken to each other every day for 18 years but there are some things I know I can never discuss with her.
What mother ever knows everything their child gets up to? Even if their surrogate scion is in Milan, a place Sarah is terrified of and where she initially sent Kate to with a chaperone.
But models come under enormous pressure. And, as Sarah says: The most vulnerable time is the bloody shows.
So there you have it. Rather then being feared, Moss should be understood and perhaps even pitied. Moss is not simply getting off her face; Moss is a victim.
And by the time she graduates from The Meadows, she will very possibly be a shining example to all young women and models everywhere…’
