Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Hardy Times
We may only ever know the identity of Sylvia Hardy’s shadowy benefactor if the now freed pensioner uses the Freedom of Information Act, as she did last year when at the 11th hour, and with the prison gates beckoning, another mystery donor paid her arrears.
If Sylvia does not go down the same path its likely well never know whose largesse forced the principled OAP to cut-short her week away in sheltered accommodation after just 36 hours.
And she was getting on just fine in choky. The Mail says inmates on A-wing at HMP Eastwood Park clapped and cheered her arrival with shouts of Good old Sylvia.
Like Noel Cowards character in the Italian Job, we imagine Sylvia emerging from her cell, looking immaculate and very much in control, to milk the adulation of her fellow lags.
But all this celebrity was ended when her debt was settled. And we now urge her to unmask this person immediately.
Protest is in a pretty parlous state in this country if a woman who chooses to go to prison rather than kowtow to a law she sees as unjust is not even allowed to do that.
But while we wonder who could have coughed up the necessaries to get Sylvia freed – beginning by looking at they who had most to lose from an elderly woman being in jail at the time of the Labour Party conference – the Mail spots another Briton making a stand for what they believe in.
Or make that a sit, because if Guy Harrison were to stand up, so high is he that we fear a gust of wind would knock him from his lofty perch atop a buttress on the roof of Westminster Hall.
What he was demonstrating about, we will get to in a moment, for first we want to tell you that Harrison says the protest was a birthday present for his seven-year-old daughter.
Unusual, indeed. Most girls of that age want jewellery a pony or more crisps.
But Mr Harrison has not seen his daughter for four years, and, though not dressed as Dick Dastardly or Bananaman his protest was in the name of Fathers 4 Justice. Its easy to forgive him for being a little out of touch.
And hes got form. Last May, Harrison was fined £600 for throwing a flour bomb from the gallery above the Westminster debating chamber down onto the MPs.
Undaunted by that, and perhaps even encouraged by the publicity it gained, to say nothing of the thrill, Harrison has now reiterated his point about dads having the same rights as mums.
Posing as a visitor to the Houses of Parliament, Harrison climbed through a window, shinned down a drainpipe, raced across a grassy areas and using scaffolding and a ladder gained access to the roof.
And he did all that without a superhero outfit and with a banner under his arm, which once unfurled read: Does Blair care? For fawkes sake change family law.
Yes fawkes, as in Guy Fawkes, the terrorist who would have blown up Parliament all those moon ago.
Considering that, perhaps we should be happy this modern day Guy just chose to make his point by sitting down and talking…’
Mahatma T-shirt
‘EVER wondered what living with a star is like? What happens when the make-up comes off, the to-die-for dress is handed back to the designer and the bottle tan swirls its ways down the plug hole?
|
| At home with La Friel |
If you have, then youll be interested to learn in the Mirror that Jennifer Aniston likes nothing better than staying in and bedding down with Mahatma Ghandi.
No, silly, hes not her new lover – Ghandi died in 1948. Jen likes to hunker down with books containing the father of the Indian independence movements words of wisdom.
The paper says that so committed to Ghandi is Jen that shes been spotted wearing a T-shirt bearing the leaders words: Defeat cannot dishearten me. It can only chasten me. I know that God will guide me. Truth is superior to mans wisdom.
Its certainly a step up from the kind of lines Jens usually associated with (OhMyGod!; I always say dont make plans, make options; ‘I was somebody who never loved my hair. I had curly hair and wished it was straight’).
And it can only be matter of time until we will see Jen shaving her head and going about the place dressed in a Gucci loin cloth and a pair of Chanels little round glasses.
But while we look forward to that, the Mail has an insight into the life and times of Anna Friel, who is famous for having buried her soap opera father under the patio, enjoying an on-air lesbian kiss and regaining her elfin figure after the birth of her fist child, daughter Gracie.
But how did she do it? To take each point in turn: she dug a whole, dropped in the body and covered it in cement; she closed her eyes and puckered her lips; she spent sessions aboard the Hypoxi Vacunaut, the machine that gives the user a non-surgical tummy tuck.
When shes not attending film premiers and looking radiant and firm, Miss Friel pulls on a rubber bodysuit attached by three hoses to the machine. The tubes suck out the air between the suit and Annas hard body, so creating a vacuum round the Friel stomach and increasing blood flow to that area.
As the guidebook states, the extra blood is able to absorb more fat cells, which are metabolised and excreted as sweat, which is sucked out by another hose.
We cannot yet buy genuine Friel fat-enriched sweat – but
we can enjoy a beautiful image of just what a celebrity gets up when the cameras are no longer rolling…’
Pensioner Booked
‘WHO needs the paltry winter fuel allowance, Meals on Wheels and unlabeled mystery tins donated by children for their schools harvest festivals when you can do as pensioner Sylvia Hardy has done and go to jail?
|
| ‘It was either prison or a week in Cleethorpes. And I’ve been to Cleethorpes’ |
In jail you get regular hot food, as much hot water as you can shower in, a handy toilet in your room and the added benefit of a warden who makes sure youre tucked up safe in your bed of a night.
Mindful of that, perhaps we should feel relieved for 73-year-old Sylvia Hardy, who, as the Mail says on its front page, has been jailed for seven days for refusing to pay Exeter City Council £53.71 in arrears on her council tax plus £10 costs.
Sylvia might even be the silver-haired tip of an iceberg as the Express talks about a nation of martyrs and says how thousands more pensioners have stated that they too will fight the power and refuse to pay their council tax.
But before our prisons are turned into rest homes for the elderly and rebellious, the Mail hears from the woman at the centre of the story. I am not afraid, says she, deftly adopting a slogan of recent times to her own ends.
But Magistrates chairman Lewis Crowden (age not supplied), has little sympathy for her. Miss Hardy, he says, addressing her in the manner of a teacher admonishing a disruptive pupil, if everyone paid their debts on the basis of what they thought was appropriate, eventually the country would descend into anarchy and you would be the first to complain if that happened.
Thats judgemental stuff even for a judge. But Crowden saves his most stinging brickbat for his punch line: You may think you are a martyr but youre not. You are a foolish woman.
But however right or wrong Sylvia is, shes certainly not alone. And while she checks into Eastwood Park Prison in Gloucestershire for a bargain week-long break – with Maeve Binchys latest book, another tome about poverty in the 19th century and the chance to meet new people and see new places – her supporters chant Pompous and Rubbish at the Beak.
Others, just like Sylvia, have seen their council tax bills rocket in recent years. As the Sun says, over the past four years, the council tax on the Sylvias property has risen by 38 per cent against a rise in her pension from her job as a social worker by 6.8 per cent over the same period.
In fairness, the Sun says Sylvia agreed to pay only the same percentage rise in her pension, which left her £53.16 in arrears, cheaper than the Mails quoted bill of £53.72 but still too much for the law to abide.
So Sylvia, who is seen in the Sun holding up a banner on which is writ the legend SYLVIA HARDY PUBLIC ENEMY, is in choky.
And in going to prison she might have won her battle. As the Sun says, the cost of keeping this felon caged is £2,000 a week.
And just think of how long it would have taken Sylvia to save up enough to afford a week away like that…’
Baby Talk
‘OI! Wot yer looking at? Whatsamatter, aint yer seen a baybee before or summit?!
|
| ‘Did you spill my milk?!’ |
Thanks to our universal baby translator we can understand just what baby really means by those gurgles and mewls.
Two gurgles and a smile means I hate you! A gurgle, a smile and a little burp translates as: You ruined my life. I never asked to be born. You witch! Dad was right to leave you! Three gurgles, a mewl and a soft, lilting laugh do not bear the scrutiny and are too lewd for these refined pages.
And were not the only ones who know whats best for baby. As the Express leads: HOSPITAL BAN ON COO-ING AT BABIES. Might it just be that those coos are, in the idiom of the crib, rude and offensive?
As the Express explains, the maternity unit at Calderdale Royal Hospital in Halifax, West Yorkshire, has banned adults from cooing at babies. Theres even a display of a dolly in a cot with the message: What makes you think I want to be looked at?
And other messages have been handed to visitors. Only two visitors per cot, says one. Respect my Baby, demands the title of another. It goes on to say: I am small and precious so treat me with privacy and respect. My parents ask you to treat my personal space with consideration. I deserve to be left undisturbed and protected against unwanted public view…
Backing off, so as not to crowd little Armani and stunt her development, the Sun has more news of the directive that claims to be following Department of Health guidelines on patients privacy.
As Debbie Lawson, neo-natal manager at the Special Care baby unit, the woman who introduced this cutting-edge plan, explains: Cooing should be a thing of the past because these are little people with the same rights as you and me.
Quite so. If they want some space, let them have it. Babies are people too.
If they want to smoke, let them. If they want to sit up drinking all night, its only right and just they enjoy the same rights as the rest of us. Anything less is just sooo unfair…’
Fault Lines
‘IS there cocaine in Hollywood? We only ask because the Star says Kate Moss is planning to launch a new career as an actress over there.
|
| ‘It’s called co-caine. And my sources tell me it’s like a powdered tobacco’ |
We dont know. But if the Star is correct, and director Ron Howard wants Moss for his movie about the fashion industry, he should perhaps look into finding out about such things.
Of course, what with Moss being the first cocaine taker in the UK and most probably the world, finding information on the drug will be hard to come by.
But Howard did rise to the top of his profession without doing his research and we are confident that if Moss does relocate to the States she will be well catered for.
But a few words of warning. The people of America will be interested to learn that no sooner has Moss been spotted taking the drug than we see 14 soldiers caught doing the same.
The Sun says that a random swoop on 400 troops of the Green Howards regiment found 11 soldiers with traces of Class A drugs in their systems. Whats more, another soldier tested positive for a Class B substance and two for Class C.
A spokesman for the Ministry of Defence says this is a very serious matter. Taking drugs in the Army is intolerable there is no excuse for it.
Quite so. But we do have some sympathy for the busted troops who can surely mount a vigorous defence of their position and claim that before the Moss story broke they had no idea what cocaine was, never mind what you did with it.
But its too late for them to be saved. But it might not be too late for you to avoid drugs. Let it be known taking drugs will not make you more photogenic nor transform you into the Mirrors cover girl in residence.
Drugs might even be bad for you. As the Mail warns, Cannabis can give young users a stroke. A report in the International journal of Cardiology suggest that cannabis users are five times more likely to have a heart attack straight after smoking a joint.
The Sun says a 22-year-old man suffered a heart attack after smoking a joint made from skunk a strong form of the drug. And a girl of 19 had a stroke right after using cannabis.
The evidence is there. Although it will be tricky linking the hospital cases with Moss, we do invite you, nay encourage you, to form your own conclusions.
And then wonder how long it will be before Mosss other habit of smoking a cigarette becomes popular among the impressionable youth and fashion-conscious squaddies.
We fear it may already be too late…’
The Wedding Belles
‘WITH no trace of string from a celebratory crabstick or a shard of pineapple chunk stuck amid her brilliant white teeth, the Mail spots a beaming Demi Moore.
|
| ‘Will you still love me when I’m old and wrinkly?’ |
And Demis every right to be happy shes has just tied the knot to her young lover, Ashton Kutcher.
But what of the do? The Mail looks around, and among the guests at the wedding, staged at the home the couple share in Beverly Hills, were the first Mr Demi Moore, Bruce Willis, the couples three daughters and 100 gests.
But thats all we get to know. There is just time for the Mail to conduct a quick head count and to warn the happy throng of the impending arrival of Kate Moss before its off to Bideford for Savannah Millers nuptials.
This Miller is none other than older sister to Sienna Miller. And there was the actress enjoying the day, in bare-feet.
The groom, pictured in flower-power headband, was a certain Nic Skinner, snootily described in the Mail as a trendy carpenter.
But who was the man who rowed across a nearby lake and, naked from the waist down, ran among the well-wishers playing a flute?
The Mail doesnt even speculate, but perhaps it was Jude Law, who was otherwise notable by his absence from the scene.
But we cant be sure. Not until we see that flute…’
Murder Of Innocence
‘HAD Hussain Osmans bomb detonated, and had he blown himself to bits on a Tube train in Londons Shepherds Bush, wed probably have only ever seen the complete man on Al-Jazeera TV.
|
| Remember the victims |
But his bomb did not explode. And now we get to see the Ethiopian alive and intact, and leaving Rome airport for a flight to Britain, where he faces terror charges of conspiracy to commit murder, attempted murder and explosive offences.
Of course, Osman, also known as Hamdi Isaac, intended no such thing. Hes an innocent. Rather then being the kind of person who plots to kill and maim, his actions were meant as a protest. As he told his Italian lawyer, Antonietta Sonnessa, it was all a demonstrative gesture.
If thats right, we can surely expect Osman to enjoy his days in court. After all, the eyes of the world will be on him; this is his chance to explain all. We are, however, just a little confused that offered this wonderful chance to grandstand, Osman chose to fight his extradition to the UK. Or was this also a demonstrative gesture?
While the law deals with him, the Sun takes a look at Jermaine Lindsay, whose demonstrative gesture on July 7 killed 26 people on a Piccadilly Line Tube train.
And conducts an interview with Lindsays wife, one Samantha Lewthwaite, who is pictured on the papers front page cradling the couples new-born daughter.
A convert to Islam, like her husband, Lewthwaite, who was eight months pregnant when Lindsay struck, says she totally abhorred his murderous mission.
With hindsight he was clearly preparing himself for the suicide bombing and was saying goodbye, says she.
But hindsight is a wonderful thing. And at the time, she didnt think much of his odd behaviour. Why would I? asks she. Id sent him off to sort his head out. I didnt think the very next morning he would be blowing up a train.
Indeed. Lindsays erratic behaviour caused her to suspect he was having an affair. He was no killer. He was a naive and simple man, says she.
So what changed him from loving dad the couple already had a young son – and husband to mass murderer? He was a peace-loving person who would harm nobody, says Lewthwaite.
So what went wrong? She says his mind was altered when he visited mosques in Luton, London and up North and met and became involved with a group of men. How these people could have turned him and poisoned his mind is dreadful, says Lewthwaite. His mind was twisted.
But its really no great mystery. As Lewthwaite has already said, her husband was simple and naïve – the ideal person to brainwash into committing mass murder in the name of a warped ideology…’
A Role Model
‘TERRORISM might well be back on the Suns front page, but over in the Mirror, Kate Moss is still public enemy No. 1.
|
| ‘Let’s blame Jude Law’ |
The model, to be known now and forever more as Cocaine Kate, dominates the Mirrors front page, her even and flawless features appearing beneath the headline: IM SORRY.
Moss has produced a contrite and frank apology for taking drugs. The paper produces the Moss statement in full on its front page, as the model speaks to a shocked and dismayed nation.
I take full responsibility for my actions, begins Kate. I want to apologise to all of the people I have let down…I am trying to be positive…
Thats that, then. Moss takes full responsibility. She makes no excuses. No-one made her take drugs. She blames no-one she met in a mosque. The matter can rest here.
Only it cant. This is the Mirrors big story, and it surely warrants two more pages inside. So brace yourselves and man the barricades for SWOOP ON THE MOSSY POSSE.
Thats right. Police are planning to question the models gang over alleged drug abuse.
The paper says this probe is likely to include an interview with junkie Pete Doherty, who given his customary epithet can be assumed to have dabbled in substance abuse.
Others who can expect a visit from the cops are the ubiquitous Sadie Frost, actress Davinia Taylor, musician Jackson Stuart and former Clash guitarist Mick Jones.
What the police will ask each of them, we can only guess at. But given the gangs showbiz credentials, we will surely one day hear all about it at great length and in no small detail, and how as celebrities they have a moral duty to act as role models to the impressionable kids.
Even if, as weve learnt over the last few days, it seems every one whos anyone in music and fashion takes cocaine…’
The Last Straw
‘PEOPLE of a certain vintage may recall the advertising campaign for the Unigate dairy which warned milk lovers to Watch out…Watch out theres a Humphrey about.
|
| Getting the Humphrey |
It was based on an army of red and white striped straws that turned up when you werent looking and stole your milk.
We mention it because the Mail leads with the news that disgraced model COCAINE Kate Moss has been ditched by Chanel and Burberry. And if Kate is looking to keep her career alive and model something, such is her association with cocaine – which, our sources tell us, can be snorted as easily up a straw as it can through a rolled up fiver – a Humphrey could be the way to go.
Granted, its a convoluted link, but until cocaine becomes legal and the Columbian cartels need a nice photogenic face to sell the product to the masses, a Humphrey could be Mosss one and only option.
And the Mail is doing its utmost to bolster Kates credentials for the job, talking about her on its front page and inside treating readers to a double-page spread headed KATES WEB.
Kates got all the right contacts. She knows just about everyone. A graphic shows Kate stood in the middle of her web with white lines linking her to just about every celebrity on planet Earth, bar Cliff Richard and Noel Edmonds.
If Moss can persuade the likes of ex-lover Johnny Depp and friends Stella McCartney and Primal Scream frontman Bobby Gillespie to be seen about town with a Humphrey, the campaign can really take off.
But Kate will not be given a clear run at the Humphrey contract. Not if the Mails other two-page spread on the story can be believed.
THE GREAT FASHION WEEK COCAINE BINGE, tells readers that there are shocking levels of cocaine abuse within the fashion industry. It seems that Moss is not the only fashionista who likes to power both the inside and outside of her nose.
Its London Fashion Week and the Mail has taken its drug testing kit to six parties. At dos for, among others, Patrick Cox, Alexander McQueen and Versace, the Mails reporter with a swab found traces of cocaine in the male and female lavatories.
The paper also looked on and saw a procession of men and women entering the lavatories in pairs and emerging giggling, red-eyed and sniffing.
And thats not all. The Sun pops along to three shows at London Fashion Week and finds traces of cocaine in toilets used by top models and designers.
These findings, says the Sun, explode the myth that the drug is not widespread in the fashion world.
Which suggests that far from being an isolated case, the Suns fashion editor is right when she says sad Moss is just one of many models on drugs.
And that means Mosss career-saving Humphrey contract is not yet in the little white bag…’
The i-God
‘IN the beginning was the word. And in the end, everyone died. Amen.
|
| Church denies dumbing down to woo youth vote |
Thats pretty much the Bible in a nutshell, although in the middle bits there is much begetting, begotting and beguiling.
But the longer version is just so very long, and its hard to remember every word. Our Bibles a doddle, accessible to one and all. And the other good thing about the Anorak EaZy Bible is that it can be texted in its entirety to the phones of the young who know nothing of the word and ways of God. (Buy now and get a free ringtone of Cliff Richard exorcising the Crazy Frog.)
But it could be a little ahead of its time, and for now the Express says anyone interested in hearing what the Bible has to say, but doesnt want to spend too long doing so, can get the The 100-Minute Bible.
In slightly longer than it takes an England football team to lose to Northern Ireland, you can educate yourselves in the ways of the Lord.
The Bibles author, the Rev Michael Hinton, unveiled his new mini Bible at Canterbury Cathedral and amid falling masonry and much lightening denied claims that his word was dumbing down the real thing.
He admits the Old Testament and the latter parts of the New Testament are covered more briefly than in the King James Bible, but he says his work aimed for clarity in telling the basic story.
But the story, told in 50 two-minute sections, has not met with universal approval. The Rev Ian Paisley says its tampering with the Bible. It will be like the other modern versions, which I call perversions.
But the Church of England backs the book, and Dr Wesley Carr, Dean of Westminster, reminds us that theres a long history of The Bible being translated for ordinary people.
So dont be a square, get the new good book. Or the i-God, as the pocket version is known…’
Out Of Fashion
‘HOLD it right there, kids. That new hoodie looks just terrific on you, but youre accessorising all wrong. Cocaine might be just fine for Kate Moss, but it doesnt work on everyone.
|
| Last year’s model |
In any case, dont do as Moss does shes out of fashion. As the Suns front page says, Moss has just been dumped as the face of fashion label H&M.
The Mirror confirms this news, saying that its pictures of the model snorting cocaine were too much for the retailer which acted after an outcry from its teenage customers and their horrified parents.
Its hard not to sympathise with the parents and guardians of impressionable teenagers, worried that their children will ape the behaviour of an icon like Moss. But such is the way of fashion, that while Moss models the genuine article, the youth often have to make do with fakes and imitation. For real fur, read fake fur. For cocaine, read talcum powder and dandruff.
But things may yet get worse for Moss. As the Mail says, Scotland Yards finest are taking a breather from chasing terrorists and armed robbers to interview Moss about her alleged cocaine binge.
No less a person that Assistant Commissioner Tarique Ghaffur, head of the Yards Specialist Crime Directorate, has ordered that his officers question Moss when she returns from New York.
This sounds like bad news for Moss, who could end being less a catwalks model than a model prisoner. Although the Mail does say the crux of the police line of enquiry will be discovering who supplied Moss with the drug.
As such, says the paper, Moss and her entourage are likely to be treated as witnesses. So if she comes clean she can expect to get off?
But perhaps the police need not bother questioning Moss at all. For in another part of the Mail, the papers foreign correspondent, Christopher Hart, says he knows where the cocaine comes from.
Like her Left-liberal friends, Kate Moss rails against world poverty, runs the blurb. Doesnt she know the bloody price paid by the poor in Central America for the cocaine she so adores? This correspondent does and he is furious.
Dismissing the argument that Moss can do what she likes with her money as ignorant, self-absorbed drivel, a view spouted by the likes of artist Dinos Chapman and media darling Janet Street Porter, Hart says the cocaine comes at a far higher price than even well-heeled Moss can afford to pay.
He talks of the blood-spattered streets of Central America where the drug is grown and manufactured. He talks of the supply chain being strewn with dead bodies and ruined lives.
And at the centre of all this is Kate Moss. An amazing elevation for a woman who until last week was just a mo-del with an amusingly stoned boyfriend…’
Laying Down The Law
‘ARE the papers now officially part of Kate Mosss famous Mosss Posse?
|
| ‘What nanny?’ |
Showbiz news used to be about tales of drunken soap stars and pregnant Spice Girls – now all we get are stories of Kate, Sadie, Pete, Jude et al.
We want more, but the feeling is that we are getting less. Just look at the Suns picture of Jude Law dressed in a pork pie hat. Its a hat of the same type as that favoured by the tiresome Pete Doherty, a happening that leads the Sun to ask: Is Jude turning into Pete?
Laws already turned into a cheating love rat, so how bad would it be to mutate into a drug-addled singer? Better still if Judes current flame, Sienna Miller, could cut her hair short and become the new face of H&M. And then sleep with Sadie Frost.
That for later, because right now the Mail says Miller has other plans for she and her man. It seems that Miller only consented to take Law back if he agreed to meet a set of stringent conditions.
In other places beyond Londons Primrose Hill, where Moss and her gang hang out, Miller could be accused of being some kind of mad harridan of a woman, Andy Capps wife made flesh and bo-ho chic.
But in that enclave of north London, Millers desperately cool, and in no way insecure, needy or sad.
And should any woman want to be like Miller and who does not? – the Mail produces THE RULES OF ENGAGEMENT, a handy cut-out-and-keep reminder of what your wayward lover should be like.
1. If Law is unfaithful again, she will leave him. (Although it says nothing about her coming back again.)
2. He should stop spending time with his ex-wife Sadie and her louche set of friends (see Moss).
3. He should make her fall in love with him all over again. (So, shes not in love with him now?)
4. He must learn to control his temper.
5. He must let her make her own career decisions.
6. He should not stop her seeing her friends.
And thats it. No mention of her choosing the help at home. Aside from making him list every person hes ever slept with, those are the Miller demands in full.
He agreed to them. And she is now giddy with happiness. The pair are united and planning to take a romantic break together. Although there could be trouble in paradise.
Who makes the decision on where they should holiday? Should Law take two bottles into the shower? What is the couples line on the war in Iraq?
These are things Miller should have got in writing while she had the chance. Without them, we fear a rocky road ahead…’
Cherie Oh Yes
‘HOW Tony Blair runs the country, says the Star on its front page. And before we can say, With his hands pressed firmly together and his eyes tightly shut, the paper lets us know that he does it with toenails, vibrating pants & a white witch.
|
| ‘Hummmmm’ |
Big news indeed, especially to those among you who thought Blairs domestic policies were dictated by a marketing campaign and his foreign agenda controlled by George Bush.
Not that Tony really ever thinks for himself, not if we believe the writings of author Paul Scott, whose new book, Tony And Cherie A Special Relationship, tells us what goes on between the leader and she who would be our First Lady.
A No. 10 spokesman might well tell the Star that the book is a mixture of recycled gossip and sheer fantasy, but thats never stopped the Star reporting on such news before.
And, in any case, the Mail says the book has been published by none other than Sidgwick & Jackson, an imprint of PanMacmillian, and has handled such weighty tomes as John Sergeants study of Margaret Thatcher, Maggie: Her Final Legacy, and James Naughties examination of Blairs relationship with the US, The Accidental American.
(A quick look at the firms website also shows that its current in-print includes Fabulous in a Fortnight, Monica Grenfells amazing plan will have you looking and feeling gorgeous in only two weeks!, and Hammer of the Gods, A fierce and fearless story about a band that remain a legend of musical, sexual and mystical power Led Zepplin.)
So with the books credibility being questioned – championed in the Mail and Star, poo-pooed by No. 10 what about the Stars front-page claims?
Lets deal with them in turn, and begin with the white witch. And the shock of all shocks is that shes not called Cherie. Indeed, there is no white witch, simply Cheries adoption of the techniques of such a creature.
The Mail says that before important meetings, Cherie uses a practice from white witchcraft known as casting a circle to create sacred space. We are not told what this entails, perhaps for fear of causing mass panic, only that Cherie does it.
And since were on the subject of The Juggler, what of those vibrating pants? As the Star says, the book claims Cherie wears such items, not because Carole Caplin told her to or for some perverted sexual pleasure, although that may well be a happy side-effect, but to keep her thighs in trim.
And thats when shes not got her thighs wrapped around Tony. Readers with weak stomachs look away now as the Star tells us how a guru told Cherie sex is therapy and instructed Tony to give his wife intimate body massages every day.
Anyone still reading can now learn about those toenails, which along with Tonys body hair are, apparently, gathered up by Cherie and sent to guru Jack Temple. He then sends them to a cloning farm where the DNA is extracted to create an endless supply of Tonys, albeit ones covered in a fine ginger pelt and with massive hooked toenails.
That revelation is perhaps best saved for this books sequel, because for now Scott just says Tonys off-cuts are sent to one Jack Temple who dangles a pendulum over them. The Mail says this can detect poisons and blockages.
But most intriguingly of all is news that Tony goes about with a grey velvet pouch in his breast pocket, containing a strip of red ribbon and a fragment of rolled-up paper. No meeting can be held, no decision made without them resting next to his heart, says Scott.
A heart which Cherie keeps in a box under the couples bed…’
Kate’s Mate
‘KATE Middleton is tall. She has brown hair. She has a silver watch she likes to wear on her right wrist. She has… did we mention her height?
|
| ‘Is she always naked when she eats?’ |
Its clear we have much more to learn about Kate, the woman who has won Prince Williams heart. But the good news in the Sun is that we will soon be able to meet her – she and Wills are just weeks away from their first official engagement together.
In readiness for this momentous day, when the spotlight will be shone onto Kates brunette head, the gels been given media training the type of grooming that allowed Camilla to make the shift from Prince Charless mistress to become the Duchess of Cornwall.
Why the Sun tells us this were uncertain. Could it be that Middleton is not Williamss love at all, but the latest filly in Charless stables?
Of course, in a few weeks we can ask Kate ourselves, and with her media training shell be able to give a clear and concise answer, and possibly set it to music and turn it into a small film. It may even earn her a GCSE.
And her first official outing will certainly set her on a path to becoming Williams bride. The Mail says speculation is rife (not least of all in the Mail) that Kate is being groomed to join the Firm.
The fact that Kate has met with the Queen several times and has dined with her privately should not be underestimated, says an official in the Mail.
Quite so. The last thing the Queen wants is another new arrival with an eating disorder, or one who frowns at her habit of feeding the corgis at the table…’
Cliff Falls
‘JUST time to tell you that Cliff Richard has decided that he will record no more records.
This is not because perfection cannot be improved upon and any new works will sully Cliffs immaculate collection, rather because no radio stations will play them if he does.
I just dont have the time to waste making a record that no one will play, says Cliff.
So hes not making any more. Which is a shame. Isnt it?’
Fashion Lines
‘COCAINE white is very much this seasons black as the Sun leads with more news of fashion icon Kate Moss and her junkie lover Pete Doherty.
|
| Pete and Kate in happier times |
And the story is a sad one, as we read how Moss has dumped her boyfriend.
As a close chum of the models tells the Sun: She loves him to death but knows she is on a self destruction trip if she doesnt cut him loose.
So they have gone their separate ways, she to New York and he to Ibiza. There are no pictures of Moss weeping, snorting, smoking or otherwise, but there are a few shots of Doherty doing what hes famous for and getting off his face.
His astonishing rampage took in coke, dope and liquid E…washed down with rum, gin and beer – and thats just what the Sun saw him take.
Doherty then threatened to carve up a terrified Sun reporter with a broken bottle, partied until 9am with groupies and hurled bottles against a wall and into the swimming pool at his posh villa.
Its all so very rock n roll. And there was even some music, as Doherty took to the stage at a club and played The Beatles She Loves You and Sally Can Wait by Oasis. He followed that in the traditional manner by smashing up a £10,000 guitar.
As we say, all very rock n roll. And while not exactly original, Dohertys performance does make a nice change from anodyne recording artistes singing bland out-the-box pop to Simon Cowell.
The bottles, guitar smashing and groupies all go with the scene. But what of those threats to an intrepid Sun reporter?
Well, the paper tells us later in the piece that hes called Sean Hamilton. And when Hamilton politely asked the singer for an interview, Doherty picked up a bottle, took three goes at smashing it on the edge of a table and brandished the stump at the Suns man on the scene.
Im going to stick you, yelled Doherty. Get away or Ill f****** stick you.
All very newsworthy, but surely a simple yes would have sufficed. But the Suns man got his meeting and his quote.
And once again we got entertained by the funny man, although Dohertys ability to shock is lessened with each bout of stoned petulance. How long before in his quest for something that will shock the fans and keep his name in the papers Doherty will lead to his recording a memorable No. 1 hit or duet with Cliff Richard?
But while Dohertys career plays on loop, the Mail focuses on Cocaine Kate and sees the pressure grow on fashion chains to drop [the] model.
But why? Space in the press costs money, and Moss has secured lots of mentions for her employers. As Marcelle DArgy Smith writes in the Mail, Mosss employers must be thrilled with the shenanigans surrounding their figurehead.
Although not the Mail, of course, which frowns deeply on such excess and only sticks with the story out of a duty to inform and educate its readership…’
Posted: 19th, September 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Three-Way Split
‘WHILE the Sun affects a look of shock and amazement at news of a pop star and a model taking drugs, the Mail speaks of sex.
|
| Revenge is a dish best served cold and wrinkly |
More particularly, the paper hears talk of three-in-a-bed sessions between Kate Moss, Sadie Frost and Jude Law.
A source says that Law was unsettled by his estranged wifes close relationship with Moss and was only placated when Frost invited him to join them in bed.
While there are no photographs of this meeting, the Sun does have a shot to illustrate a more recent episode in Laws love life.
No, nothing that involves a nanny, rubber gloves and a ginger tom cat called Mr Wiggles, but a picture of the actor out and about with Sienna Miller.
In celebration of Millers last night in the play As You Like It, she and Law were reunited for a wild night out.
This night out took in the plays aftershow party at one London club and a stint at another. The night ended at 5am.
Yes, we agree. Given the hours kept by Pete Doherty, the tales of how Kate Moss took cocaine during a dinner for Nelson Mandelas childrens charity and Frosts lesbian romps, Law and Millers night sounds about as wild as a pet goldfish or, considering his cigarette, a smoked kipper…’
Who Grassed Moss?
‘WHEN the Mirror showed us pictures of Kate Moss taking cocaine, we were incredulous. Could those photos really be of the mod-el, or had the Mirror erred again?
|
| A smoking gun |
Now we fear the ugly truth as the WORLD EXCLUSIVE that Kate has a £200 A DAY COKE HABIT erupts on the Suns front page.
Overlooking the papers claim at exclusivity of a story the Mirror has already broken and is featured prominently in the Mail, we wonder why it is when someone has a cocaine habit we are told not how much they take, but how much they spend?
Are we all so streetwise that each of us can work out how much of the drug £200 buys? And might it be that Moss, being a wealthy girl about town is being fleeced by the dealers? While £200 might buy a typical Sun reader a few grams, Moss might be getting along on a few grains of the illicit powder.
But whatever it is shes taking, Moss likes it, as three comments on her drug taking prick the Suns front page: Model snorts line when she wakes up; Awake 3 DAYS on crazed hol in Ibiza; Bust-up with junkie Pete over drugs abuse.
For this insight into Mosss life we can thank a close pal of the catwalk queen. This pal says Moss has dealers all over the world. But what is so amazing is that she can do drugs, stay up all night and yet still look good. No one can quite figure out how she manages it.
Perhaps its her genes. Perhaps cocaine acts as a restorative? Perhaps up in Mosss attic theres a Vogue cover showing Kate with a lined face, bloodshot eyes and the kind of hair-style a cat coughs up.
In any case, the Mail says Moss earns £4million-a-year, which by our estimations makes her £200 a day habit well within budget and even leaves some left over for cigarettes and rolled up fivers to snort drugs through.
But the paper says on its front page that cocaine presents a threat to Mosss livelihood. Her fashion deals are in jeopardy.
And its a line not without substance, as high street clothing chain H & M considers whether to stick with the 31-year-old Moss or blow her off. Another source tells the paper that Moss is terrified she will also lose her Chanel contract.
There then follows a piece by the Mails Natalie Clarke in which Moss takes on the role of the dreaded Bridget Jones. She [Moss] wakes up each day at around lunchtime and, once the pounding in her head has reached a manageable level, tentatively gets out of bed and reaches for her handbag.
Oh… Go on. She lifts out a bag of white powder and, with the skill of the practised user, chops herself a line of cocaine. She snorts it.
The Moss life continues, taking in a morning glass of enlivening white wine, which makes her feel better, almost ready to face the day.
But Clarke, who seems to know so much about what Moss gets up to, should hold her twitching pen. The Mail says that within Kates circle, the so-called Mosss Posse, a witch hunt is underway to discover the traitor who sold Moss out.
Mosss boyfriend, the barely intelligible Pete Doherty, says that he will break their legs when he finds them, although how hell do it is not said – perhaps hell fall over onto them.
But it makes us wonder if the Mails Clarke is part of Mosss inner gang, and if she is the one who ratted? Or is it someone else?
Perhaps, and this is a long shot, the grass might be Moss herself. The papers pay big money for such sensation. Shes not getting any younger, and a career before the camera is over in a flash. And at £200 a day, her retirement wont come cheap…’
Lanky Lad
‘PRESTON is Britains newest city. Prestons history dates back to the Doomsday Book. Preston is home to the first Spar Shop 8 til late, which opened in 1981.
|
| Andrew Flintoff has been given the freedom of Preston |
We could go on. We could tell you that Preston eatery Bistro French Live was featured in the Guinness Book of Records as having the widest selection of wines and spirits in the country.
Prestons St Walburges Church tower contains a single bell of 30 Cwt, thought to be the heaviest swinging bell in Lancashire. Preston has a large bus station with 79 gates.
And now another passage has been written in the history of this truly awesome place as we learn in the Sun that Preston is the name of Britney Spears new baby.
To give him his dues, the babys full name is Preston Michael Spears Federline. And we duly offer a special Owdo to young Preston.
And we are more than happy to hear that that both baby and mother are doing just great. She is inseparable from the baby, says a source. She is so happy.
As too is Preston. But if his names as guide, hell not be letting things go to his head. Tha met bi born but thart not dee-erd yet, as he will be wont to say when he is able.
But patience, son. Tharl come to thi cake an milk… Eeeeee lad…’
Hooray Harry
‘TWENTY-one today, twenty-one today, hes got red hair and Nazi underwear, 21one today. A cheer for Prince Harry. Hip-hip! Hooray! Speech! Speech!
|
| Mud sticks |
Surprisingly Harry obliges. Indeed, he has so much to say that the lads words of wisdom spill over from the Expresss front page all the way to page 5.
The big interview with Harry, who is third in line to the throne and marks his 21st birthday today, has him talking about all manner of things.
He wants to fight for his country – Theres no way Im going to sit on my arse while my boys are fighting for their country.
Hell always just be himself – I dont want to change. I am who I am. Im not going to change because Im being criticised in the press.
And the Duchess of Cornwall, the fragrant Camilla, is no wicked stepmother – Shes a wonderful woman and shes made our father very, very happy, which is the most important thing. William and I love her to bits.
This is candid stuff. And in the Mirrors HARRY BY HARRY we get to hear what he thinks of his very special and amazing girlfriend Chelsy. And how he and William have even resorted to hugging each other.
But he cant skirt the issue forever. No, not the one about his parentage and the at times crude suggestions that its not merely coincidental he and his mothers old squeeze James Hewitt both have ginger hair.
And no, not that other thing about his A-levels and how he may or may not have had a little extra help.
No, this is the incident with the Nazi uniform, the one the Sun says sparked outrage.
The paper reproduces the infamous shot of Harry in his German gear and replaces each S in the headline IM SO SORRY with SS-style runes.
Harry says that it was a very stupid thing to do. Whats done is done, says he. I regret it. He goes on: It was a stupid thing to do. I think its part of growing up.
Dressing as a Nazi has not been part of growing up since the Hitler Youth was disbanded, but we take Harrys point. And in the spirit of the day, we must accept his apology and allow him to move on.
In any case, we need to keep him sweet so he lets us into his party. This is, after all, drinking, smoking, fun Harry.
Harrys party has to be better than Williams coming of age do, which was celebrated with an official stamp, a painful rap poem by Poet Laureate Andrew Motion (Better stand back/ Heres an age attack/ But the second in line/ Is dealing with it fine) and an African-themed party, albeit with the presence of uninvited self-styled comedy terrorist Aaron Barschak dressed as terrorist leader Osama bin Laden in a pink ball gown.
So whatll it be, H? A booze up with the boys at the Rattlebone Inn, before tearing up the M4 in Army tanks to a London club? Er, no. Im not having a party, says Harry. Ill probably be in a ditch somewhere in the Middle of Wales. I might let off a party popper.
Thats good enough for us Harry. Ditch or gutter, it makes no difference so long as we have loads of fun. Lead on, Harry. Cheers. Heres mud in your eye…’
The Class A List
‘SOMEONE should have told Kate Moss that Prince Harry isnt having a birthday party.
|
| Love is not the only drug |
But no-one did. And now we see Moss surely training for what did promise to be a legendary event, a veritable endurance contest of debauchery.
On the Mirrors front page, readers get to see a full-page shot of COCAINE KATE snorting drugs.
Captured as part of the papers undercover investigation, there are images of Moss enjoying a hard session with junkie lover Pete Doherty.
As is the way with mo-dels, its important we know what the girl about town, and in this instance at a recoding studio, regards as cocaine chic. For the fashionistas, Kate sports high-heeled black boots, shorts and a low-cut vest top.
Having noted the outfit, budding Kates are shown how a model behaves when taking cocaine. The Mirrors masterclass runs:
CHOPPING. Kate lays out chunky lines of cocaine on a plastic CD cover, although old rockers can use vinyl should they prefer.
SNORTING: She hoovers up the drug with a tightly rolled £5 note.
LAUGHING: She rocks back in her seat in hysterics as the drug induced euphoria sets in.
SHARING: Kate hands around the powder.
PREPARING: The supermodel lays out more coke for her friends to snort.
So there you have it. And if you want to know more, you can enrol on the Mirrors second module in Cocaine Studies by simply turning the page and being tutored in MIXING, USING, SLICING and STASH.
Its a sensation. MODEL TAKES COCAINE is the big news, to rank up there with FOOTBALLER IN CLUB BRAWL, ROD STEWART DATES BLONDE and SATURDAY FOLLOWS FRIDAY.
In any case, Moss shouldnt worry too much – the photos appear in the Mirror, and theres a chance, however slim, that the pictures arent even of her.
And its not like shes dressed up as a Nazi or anything…’
Rolling Pete Gathers Moss
‘HAVE you been binge drinking, asks the policeman with heavy sarcasm as he pulls a young lad up from the foul-smelling gutter by his shirt collar.
|
| A perfect match |
Yesh, occifer, says the lad. I wanna be like Freddie Flintoff. The cop nods. Dont we all, son. Its a noble dream. Here, have a cigar.
And so it goes. Drinking to excess is bad for us, says the Government, but when Englands sporting hero does it, it looks cool and is celebrated throughout the press.
So what of Pete Doherty? The singer is no sportsman, but he is afforded iconic status by certain sections of society.
The Suns says that Pete is worshipped by certain clothes designers who think he is one of the coolest men on the planet.
As a pal tells the Suns Victoria Newton, Dior Homme designer Hedi Slimane loves the way the singer wears a suit (on his back and legs) and hat (atop his head).
Indeed, Pete is so very cool that hes just recorded a song with his girlfriend, the mo-del Kat Moss, which is to be given away free on every copy of French Vogue magazine.
Heroin can really screw you up, says the official message – but if youre a minor celebrity, it can gain you loads of exposure in the press and elevate you to superstar status.
Its not unfair to say that many more of us know who Doherty is because of his past addiction, run-ins with the law and girlfriend than for his music.
But while Flintoff and Doherty remind the yoof that you can drink, smoke and take drugs and be successful and famous, the Sun tells us about that song.
The duet is called La Belle Et La Bete (Richard And Judy) and features the couple singing and Pete playing acoustic guitar.
It might sound a bit sickly, as the Sun says, but do not think that it will be anything other than edgy, cool and the last word in chic.
And, as is as is the way with any new fashion, its sure to spawn a host of copycat recording. Look out for Day-vid and Victorias version of Linda Ronstadt and Aaron Nevilles Dont Know Much, and get ready to tap your Cuban heels to Sven Goran Eriksson and Nancy DellOlios take on Barry Gibb and Barbra Streisands What Kind Of Fool Am I.
And there will be more. Put down that Flaming Nipple and pass the hookah pipe, Cherie, Tony feels a song coming on ’
Pie-Eyed Chuckers
‘FROM pie chuckers to pie-eyed partiers, the transformation of Englands cricketers moves on apace this morning.
Both the Mirror (OFF HIS FRED! And hasnt he urned it) and Sun (OFF HIS FRED DONT WORRY, MATE…YOUVE URN-ED IT) lead with a shot of Andrew Flintoff looking liked he stayed up all night drinking and smoking.
Which, funnily enough, is exactly what he has been up to, as the Sun takes a detailed look at Flintoffs 24-hour Ashes party.
When asked by former England captain Mike Gatting if hed eaten anything since starting his Ashes celebration, Flintoff replied: Yes, a cigar.
Indeed, thanks to the papers montage of the Flintoff day, we can confirm that he chomped on his cigar at 18:30 yesterday. And at 04:00, Flintoff had set the anti-smoking cause back a few decades to the time when sportsmen appeared on cigarette cards by lighting up a fag for dessert.
But it wasnt just Flintoff sipping vodka at 7:30 yesterday morning, as the Sun tells its readers in ASHES TO LASHES what the rest of the players got up to and what they drank.
Between 6:30pm and 10pm after the match at the Oval cricket ground, the team ordered 10 cases of lager, 3 cases of white wine, 2 cases of red wine, 2 cases of champagne and 1 bottle of brandy.
It was then off to a London hotel for beers all round, followed by loads of champagne in a Soho club. At 3am the lads returned to the hotel for bottles of larger and more champers.
Thats a good effort, and we thank the sober Sun for standing by and taking note of what everyone was drinking. And we appreciate the papers help in further building the Flintoff legend by telling readers how at 8:30am, Englands Colossus was the only one to turn up for the champagne reception at the teams hotel.
While Flintoff proves that winners can binge drink or is it that binge drinkers are winners? – and gets foursquare behind the Governments decision to change the licensing laws, the Mirror looks about for a bit of man-on-woman action.
And it finds some, leering down its zoom lens as Kevin Pietersen smooches with his new girlfriend Natalie Pinkham. And theres a shot of Ian bell swapping saliva with a blonde fan.
And, er, thats it. Either the papers have decided to draw a line at a certain point and not report on everything that occurred, or there is little more to say. No spit-roasts. No illegal drugs. No arrests.
This is CRICKET MANIA (Expresss front page), not football, and it demands a different approach.
Sure, the cricketers drank to excess, but they have a long time to recover. It will be a full four years before the Australians return to these shores. And by then many of this summers converts to the game will have forgotten the success of 2005.
And if you doubt that, see if you can remember the names of more than a handful of the England rugby team who became world champions in 2003. And then wonder when any of them last appeared on the front pages…’
Summer Daze
‘THE typical English summer consists of a few scorching hot days, much drizzly rain and grown men in replica football kits searching the more obscure reaches of the TV satellite and the Spanish costas for any signs of a football match.
|
| That’s enough of that |
But something odd happened this summer. Something the Sun reminds has not occurred for 5,887 days, 114 players, nine captains, 45 Ashes Tests and years of crowing Aussies. Can you guess what it was?
No, Hell did not freeze over. Try again. No, there was no month of Sundays. Try and let your mind run free. Her Majesty the Queen moved to Dubbo? Good try, but thats no until next year. The big news is that Englands cricketers have won the Ashes.
Its hard to take in. Well say it again. England have won the Ashes. And if you doubt us (and we dont blame you for doing so), the papers are keen to drum the message home on their front pages.
FANTASHTIC! yells the Sun. URNCREDIBLE! puns the Mirror. THEYRE OURS! says the Mail.
All the papers are united in triumph, but its the Sun that really milks the win like a suckling bulldog puppy on speed.
The Suns front page wraps over onto the back, where readers are given the words to Jerusalem, that unofficial England anthem, and shown a picture of Englands jubilant South African-born player Kevin Pietersen.
Cricket rules, although the paper cannot resist adopting the language of football and rehashing that famous piece of World Cup 1966 commentary to say, They think its all Oval…it is now.
Theres a similar pun on the cricketing venue (England secured the tiny trophy at Londons Brit Oval cricket ground) in the Mirrors OVAL THE MOON!.
The paper then gives us the chance to see how celebrities responded to the match as floppy-haired Hugh Grant is shown looking tense on this DAY OF HEROES.
Suddenly, life in England seems more hopeful, says the Mails new recruit Paul Hayward. English society has a new cast of heroes, says he. We have escaped from obscurity.
So much for the extra 10,000 shrinks needed to beat blues epidemic, as the Sun (Britain is suffering a national epidemic of depression) hears Lord Richard Layard, a Downing Street adviser, say that the NHS needs more people to tackle Britains biggest social problem.
Why, all you need is a bat and a ball. Oh, and a good woman. Someone like Rachel Flintoff would be just about ideal. Shes the wife of Englands boys own hero Andrew Flintoff. Shes the WOMAN WHO WON THE ASHES.
She did this not by bowling her husband a few wrong uns or sledging him (Youre crap in bed, I never loved you, Why cant you be more like Shane?).
She simply married him. As an old cricketing friend of Flintoffs tells the paper: The moment he had Rachel in his life, he had the stability to give 100 per cent to the game.
Its clear we owe Rachel our gratitude. Thanks, Rachel. And thank you, England. Now kindly move aside. Unless Rachel and Andrew plan to remarry on matching thrones before a celebrity-studded audience, they cant hope to hold our attention for long.
The cricket is over. Its time for the main event. Bring on the footballers, and their wives…’
The Holly Grail
‘IF Andrew and Rachel Flintoff had realised they would one day be famous, their names known throughout the land, would they have named their daughter Holly?
|
| Freddie and the dreamers |
Its a nice enough name but its not exactly special. If Holly is to be gifted, stunning and talented, if she wants to carve out a career as an aspiring actress/model/presenter, shell need something that sticks in the mind and grabs the headlines.
Special people need special names – just look at Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz Beckham.
Indeed, if the Flintoffs are contemplating adding another name to their team, the Mail has a few pointers that should set them on the right path.
Researchers at the Cornwall Record Office have checked the censures of birth, marriages and deaths going back as far as the 16th century and come up with a list of 1,000 unusual names.
Put your hands together for Philadelphia Bunnyface, Cloberly Silly Woolcock, Ostrich Pockinghorn and Gentle Fudge.
Listen to Faithful Cock, Elizabeth Disco, Talent Ferret, Hobby Carew, Friday Screetch and Obedience Budges new single.
Turn the pages of the latest celebrity newssheet and read how Abraham Thunderwolff has just dumped Freke Dorothy Flucke Lane.
All are good names guaranteed to get little junior noticed. Although, given the nature of things, it cant be too long before Warne is a first name and there are any number of Flintoffs at the junior model auditions…’
