Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Born To Booze
‘ILL SAVE YOU, GAZZA, says the Star. Or rather, says Chris Evans, for the copper-headed funster has extended the hand of friendship to his troubled pal Paul Gascoigne, and offered to put him up at his gaff, rather than the American clinic that the larger-than-life footballer currently calls home.
| Gazza and some empty glasses |
The paper describes Gazza as suicidal, which doesnt bode well for his latest business venture. For the Sun reports that Gascoigne is to publish a self-help manual called Face Your Fears, which will help readers deal with their inner demons and give them strength in their battles.
Directly underneath this is another story, whose story offers Gazza a terrible warning of what the future might hold: Yoga is best for George.
It seems that Bestie has been drinking in the last-chance saloon again, and has checked into Tony Adams Sporting Chance clinic after weeks of boozing.
He is now practising the Bhuddhist art five times a day the idea being to try the exercises whenever he wants a drink.
It seems to be working three days into the programme he could already drink from a glass of white wine held between his toes.
Now if he could just get the hang of those turkeys, he could be in business ’
Phil’s Back
‘JIM Branning has always had an eye for old bangers: he married Dot for a start. This week he decided that there was room in his life for two clapped out old rust buckets, and has spent a pension windfall on buying a car.
| Ian looks flushed |
Dot, whod ear-marked the cash for a new sofa, wasnt best pleased until Yolande pointed out that Dot should learn to drive herself. One suspects that this is leading up to a hilarious storyline in which Dot is transformed into a chain-smoking Maureen from Driving School.
More rehashed storylines from Eastenders this week with the re-appearance of Phil Mitchell. Phils been on the run from prison for the past year and desperately needed three grand – judging by the size of him, he obviously needs the money to buy more pies.
Phil turned to his cousin Billy first, whos about as much use in a financial crises as the Rover board of directors. Phil then crashed into Ians house, demanding a share of the cafés profits, and when Ian refused, Phil decided to flush his head down the loo probably the highlight of Eastenders so far this year.
Ian begged for some time to collect the money and promised to meet Phil in the Arches later. Phil, not the brightest of the Mitchells – and thats saying something – agreed. Of course, Ian has about as much intention of handing over a penny to Phil Mitchell as he has in joining the Social Workers party, and promptly grassed him up to the police.
Mr Potato Head was last seen being bundled into a police van, shouting obscenities and vowing revenge. Phils set to return properly once his panto contracts run out.
Lets hope his return is more successful than Dirty Dens whos Walford legacy consists of a bit of brain smeared over Paulines doggy doorstep and a massive unpaid broadband bill.
Johnny Allens introduction as Gangster Number One has been about as terrifying as a flick through Little Mos Kittens scrapbook. Johnnys been slapped by 15 year-old Stacy Slater and is now being bullied into submission by his skeletal mistress Tina and his teenaged daughter. Johnnys been bouncing between the pair of them like a pinball machine but with less direction.
Johnny and Tina are averaging about two break-ups an episode now, and its difficult to take this storyline seriously or to care about what happens to the most unlikely couple since Janette Krankie put on a school boys uniform.
Alfie is back from his latest Daz doorstep challenge and is, according to the Eastenders publicity machine, struggling to come to terms with his feelings for Little Mo – those feelings clearly being indifference and boredom. The pair have got about as much sexual chemistry going on between them as Blair and Brown.
Alfie and Little Mo both agreed to take part in a Speed Dating night at the community centre with Gary and Minty – Walfords answer to Men Behaving Sadly. Gary and Minty both failed to pull miserably, but Alfie and Little Mo had a great time together – well three minutes is probably a record for a successful relationship with a woman for Alfie.’
For Their Sins
‘DONT panic! The pictures of Charles and Camilla with brilliant red faces and horns protruding from their heads are not real. This is the Mirror, and wed lay our last pound on the shots being fakes.
| ”In 30 years let’s be praying for forgiveness together” |
While the Mirrors lawyers get busy checking the papers sources, the paper screams the headline: WE HAVE SINNED.
And so they have. But can Charles and his fragrant lover be guilty of the whopping seven deadly sins the Mirror accuses them of committing?
For the record, and you the jury, these sins include: Lying (see marriage vows to Diana); Adultery (Charles has admitted as much on TV); and Murder! Yes, murder.
But before conspiracy theorists get carried away, this is nothing to do with Diana but the murder of foxes.
And as for the other mortal sins Rudeness, Crimes against fashion and Indecision they are surely more worthy of a slap on the wrist than having your eternal soul flayed and goosed in the lower reaches of Hell.
But in the spirit of contrition, the Sun says the happy couple will spend one part of their wedding service apologising for their sins.
The full apology can be found in the 1662 Book of Common Prayer. But for those of you without a copy to hand, the choicest part runs: We acknowledge and bewail our manifold sins and wickedness, which we, from time to time, most grievously have committed, by thought, word and deed, against thy Divine Majesty, provoking most justly thy wrath and indignation against us.
And for the record, the Majesty they talk of is the Queen Mother, or God. If they want to win Her Majesty the Queen round, theyll have to go further.
Somewhere like a remote Antarctic island should do it…
Paul Sorene is the Anorak’
Invitation To Terror
‘INVITATION lost in the post? asks the Mail. Dont worry, you can still make the most of the big day with Mails definitive four-page guide.
| See the crowds gather on our live Windsor cam |
Before we take a look at this souvenir special, let us now go on the record and say that our invitation was not lost, eaten by the dog or run over by a white Fiat Uno, but forcibly declined.
We would no more sanction cheating Camilla and Charless big day than be reincarnated as Camillas tampon.
That said, we can now progress serenely on to the story, as the Mail produces a map of the Windsor area and charts the couples progress hour by hour.
And at once we grow alarmed. This looks like an altogether different sort of invitation.
Theres the wedding route from Castle to Guildhall and back again. Theres the picture of the wedding car. And theres even a diagram of the inside of St Georges Chapel, with the paper pinpointing the exact spot where Her Majesty will be in attendance.
If this document were to fall into the wrong hands we tremble to think what could happen.
So take care, dear Mail readers. Do not leave your paper in an unlocked car or allow it be seen by any foreign looking gentlemen.
Nothing less than the future of the monarchy depends on it. To say nothing of house prices!
Paul Sorene is the Anorak’
Run Off The Miller
‘WHILE Prince Charles only has eyes for his Camilla, the rest of us are invited to ogle Sienna Miller.
| Climbing the ladder to the top |
Miller is one of those people for whom fame has come easy. Nice looking without being ravishing, talented without being gifted, Miller is an accessible star for our age.
And there she is today in what the Mirror is calling the Riddle of bare-legged star.
Now you see them…now you dont, says the paper as it notes that on a night out in London, the 23-year-old actress was wearing some tights.
There are the black tights, hanging out from the hem of her red dress.
But when we next see Sienna, the tights are gone. And in the best traditions of investigative journalism, the Mirror wants to know why when Miller emerged from the Nobu restaurant her legs were bare. The tights had vanished!
This is clearly a mystery that goes deep to the very core of what Miller is. If we can solve it we might just gain an insight into why she and not one of the other hundreds of attractive, blonde actresses that live in this fair land made it.
But while we scratch out heads, the Mirror keeps staring at Siennas legs, and notes that after going to a club, the tights were back on.
And the too Sun is flabbergasted. In SIEN MY TIGHTS TRICK?, the paper notices this amazing chain of events.
What did she do with em? it asks.
Helpfully, the paper has some suggestions: she may have removed them to bonk in a broom cupboard; given them to cab driver as an emergency fanbelt; laughed so hard she had a little accident; or lent them to the eaterys cooks to strain the rice with.
Its a riddle wrapped up in a mystery. And, most likely, wrapped up in Siennas bag…
Paul Sorene is the Anorak’
Posted: 8th, April 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Fighting Talk
‘AFTER the dignified behaviour of the Liverpool fans on Tuesday night, it is a shame to open the papers today and find that the ugly side of Anfield is still with us.
| ”Gho-o-o-ul” |
Both the Mail and the Express print pictures of a grown man, old enough to know better, jabbing his finger in fury as his face contorts into a grotesque mask of hatred.
And readers will have no trouble recognising him as celebrity Reds fan Michael Howard, star of the recent fly-on-the-wall documentary in which he was seen performing his trademark celebration waving his arms in the air and crying: What a tremendous gho-o-o-ul!
Todays papers show the other face of Howard the snarling bully looking for a fight. And yesterday his victim was the PM.
COMMONS BRUISING, crows the Express caption to a picture of the Tories top boys: Michael Howard was cheered by MPs as he delivered a mauling to Tony Blair at Prime Ministers Questions yesterday.
All this is a long way from the Compassionate Conservatism and inclusive values that we are told about.
The Express runs a large picture of Howards victim underneath, with the pointed headline: Why does he wear so much make-up? Which, translated, means: The little sissy was asking for it.
We fear that if this sort of thing continues for much longer, itll end in tears…
Ed Barrett’
Flat Broke
‘THE Daily Mail gets a chance to stick the boot into two of its favourite targets in one story today and as a bonus, the story is all about house prices.
| Hair by Elton John |
The targets are the trendy north London middle-classes and working women, and specifically, former BBC arts correspondent Rosie Millard.
Rosie made the mistake of complaining about the fact that she and her TV producer husband had run up debts of £40,000 on their credit cards, and invited public ridicule by describing herself as part of a generation of impoverished professionals.
She puts her debts down to a penchant for expensive clothes, Stila make-up and decent haircuts. (Readers can judge for themselves whether this money was well spent by turning to page 29 of the paper, where Rosies distinctive look is displayed in full colour.)
Millard is estimated (by the Mail) to earn about 70 grand a year from her new job as a journalist. She claims that although her family appear comfortably off, in reality we have no money.
This is because five years ago she and her husband started dabbling in the property market after deciding that living in one house with a mortgage was boring. Now they find themselves in debt.
But all is not lost. Rosies dabbling has left her with a listed building in Islington and another house in Hackney which, for reasons best known to herself, she calls Millard Towers I and Millard Towers II. The first is worth £900k and the second £700k.
In addition, she has two loft apartments in the City of London, and an apartment in the centre of Paris. All in all, the portfolio is reckoned to be worth £2.3 million.
The Mail suggests that an easy way to pay off her card debts would be to sell one of her five homes. But Rosie is not prepared to go down that road.
We are sad property people, she says, by way of explanation.
Ed Barrett’
Cutting-Edge Education
‘YOUD think in this day and age, school kids would know how to use a knife. Admittedly, most prefer to carry a gun, but even so, you have to know the basics before you move on to firearms.
| ”Is it a spoon, sir?” |
Yet according to the Star, children are having to be taught how to HOLD a knife, let alone use it.
Of course, what they mean is a knife and fork, as the head teacher of St Lukes Primary School near Rochdale explains. There has been a trend in the past five years for children to come to school unable to hold a knife and fork or sit at the table properly, he says.
The majority of families do not even have a table any more.
This he blames on the decline in family meals and the availability of convenience foods.
More importantly, if kids dont even have a table any more, how are they going to learn to drink anybody under it?
Ed Barrett’
Guilty Secret
‘HABEAS corpus is a funny, old-fashioned sort of phrase, isnt it?
| ”And his ears to be boxed until he atones for his sins. Next!” |
It brings to mind an era long before New Lawyers like Tony Blair, when stuffy old men used Latin phrases and old-fashioned words like liberty and freedom.
Thank goodness those days are behind us. As Tony reminds us in his personal election letter to Daily Mirror readers, we must move forwards, not back.
What he doesnt mention is habeas corpus. But the Sun does, albeit not by name. Instead, it honours it in the breach by revealing a top-secret Labour plan to lock up more criminals. Or, to be strictly accurate, to lock up so-called criminals, since these people wont actually have stood trial.
Detention without trial used to be associated in the public imagination with repressive foreign regimes. Even New Labour wasnt particularly keen on it although that was probably because it was centuries out of date.
But now Tony has had a rethink, and come up with a shiny new twist on the concept. The idea is that people who fail to appear in court will be jailed automatically.
BLAIR BLITZ ON COURT DODGERS, the Sun announces approvingly, revealing hush-hush plans to tackle yob suspects. Or, as Lord Chancellor Charlie Falconer puts it: Justice has to be seen to be done and be done quickly without the accused stringing out the proceedings.
Or, to take it to its logical conclusion: Kill em all let God sort em out.
Its a disturbing thought, but there is of course an in-built check. Most of these yob suspects probably wouldnt be jailed anyway; instead, they would receive an ASBO or an electronic tag.
Given that the attendance rate for ASBOs is about the same as that for holy communion on a Sunday morning, and that even Lord Falconer cant fit tags in a persons absence, it seems unlikely that our streets will be washed clean of the scum by Travis Bickle-Blair in the near future.
Ed Barrett’
Hate-Philled
‘PHIL Neville probably isnt the first footballer youd think of in connection with a texting scandal.
| You have to go to bed very late to fool Phil |
Heavy breathing down the phone would be more his style, youd think, given his famous propensity for going around with his gob hanging open.
But according to the Mirror, the slack-jawed international is this morning at the centre of and unlikely row, following his text rant at Fergie.
The story is this. A student got hold of Phils phone number and texted him, purporting to be team-mate Alan Smith. He then received a four-letter text tirade from Neville or rather, a nine-letter tirade, as it described Sir Alex Ferguson as a s***house.
Fair comment, you might say, but obviously a little embarrassing for Neville, who denies all responsibility. I swear I havent sent it, he says. It cant have been from my phone. It was with me all day.
Some might say that this weakens his argument, but Neville has a final trump card to play.
Why would I make a catastrophic f*** up like that? he asks, with a rhetorical flourish.
No idea, Phil. You tell us.
Ed Barrett’
Tara In Royal Cover-Up
‘ROYAL BOOB BAN, announces the Star. No t*ts at the wedding apart from the groom.
| ”I do” |
Thats tits, of course, not tots. And the tits in question belong to Zara Phillips and Tara Palmer-Tomkinson, who have been told to keep their Crown jewels covered for Charles and Camilla’s big day.
Does this mean that other guests will be attending as nature intended? Sadly not. Its simply a precaution in case Princess Annes daughter and the sexy socialite decide to wear anything too revealing.
Tara is rumoured to be planning something outrageous after talks with a trendy fashion designer. (Whether Prince Harry is planning to wear something outrageous a Cambridge Rapist mask, say, or a White Power T-shirt is as yet unclear.)
Anyway, everything is being done to make sure that the wedding goes ahead smoothly now that it has been hastily rearranged for Saturday.
Not that the rearrangement has suited everyone. The paper says that the new date has cocked up the BBCs coverage of the Grand National, and the race itself has now been moved back 25 minutes.
A Sunday wedding was obviously out of the question as it would have meant clashing with Crystal Palaces eagerly awaited trip to Everton.
And that would never do…
Ed Barrett’
Horse & Groom
‘NO sooner have the RSPVs been returned, the time off work booked and the commemorative tea towels pressed and laundered than the Royal wedding is put back a day.
| Charles wonders how Camilla can be at two places at once |
For anyone not yet in the know, Charles and Camillas big day has been moved from Friday to Saturday.
And if youre looking for a portent, a sign of how things will go with them after the knot has been tied, know that their original wedding spot has been taken up by the Popes funeral.
Rather than exchanging I dos with his lover, Charles will be in Rome for the Popes funeral.
If that was not a bad enough omen on its own, the Sun reminds us that this Saturday marks the third anniversary of the Queen Mothers funeral.
Little wonder the Queen is said by the Sun to be totally exasperated by a wedding that has been dogged by controversy from the outset.
While one Palace lackey, described as a senior royal source says Her Majesty feels the wedding is jinxed.
The Express goes with the idea of the event being cursed (CAMILLAS BIG DAY IS JINXED), while the Mail tempts fate with its headline: CAN ANYTHING ELSE POSSIBLY GO WRONG?
Of course it can. And the Mail spends much time producing stories like: Banana republic Britain; We were ready to storm cockpit as jet leaked fuel; how the security bill for the wedding will now double to £2million.
But while a huge comet continues on a collision course with Windsor, the paper does at least touch on one intriguing sub-plot: Charles and Camillas wedding will be run on the same day as horse racings Grand National.
With the blessing for the ceremony due to take place at 2:30, and the news that the BBC likes to begin its coverage of the sporting showpiece at 1pm, schedules are going to overlap.
Although, the BBC shouldnt worry – given the appearance of the runners and the wedding party, we wonder if anyone will notice the difference…
Paul Sorene is the Anorak’
Vanity Unfair
‘DESPERATE Housewives is a show that has now garnered more articles than it has viewers.
| A godsend to desperate hacks |
No day passes without some tired hack putting pen to paper and telling us about the Real Desperate Housewives, or how each of the stars is just like their own character, one of the other characters or some character youd not walk down a dark alley with if your life depended on it.
And today the Express has more news of the show, telling jaded readers that This [see picture of the five lead women] could be the last time the five stars of Desperate Housewives are photographed together.
But before you call the emergency suicide line, read on through the tears. And thereby learn the reason for this sensational development.
It seems that trouble flared on the set of a shoot for the cover of Vanity Fair magazine.
The story goes that Marcia Cross exploded with fury when co-star Teri Hatcher chose the red swimsuit. It seems Hatcher had first dibs, and Marcia was not best pleased.
Get your ******** ass over here now and do your ******* job, she screamed at an assistant.
Things then got worse when the photographer asked the aptly-named Cross to swap places with Nicolette Sheridan who refused.
Cindy Adams, a columnist, tells us that there were lots of tears and tantrums. And one senior executive on the show labelled the gang the bitches from hell.
It all sounds so awful. But if Cross wants to exact revenge then she could do worse than turn to the Mirror and cut out and keep the papers shot of the unmovable Sheridan straining to stay within a pair of white bikini briefs.
Cellulite and some surplus flesh are clearly on view – as Nicolette will soon see for herself as the unflattering picture is posted on her dressing room door…
Paul Sorene is the Anorak’
The Abi Habit
‘NEWS now of Abi Titmuss, the woman former Blue Peter presenter John Leslie helped transform from a nurse into a pneumatic strumpet with only some old washing up bottles and a roll of double-sided sticky tape.
| You may want to send your grandmother out of the room |
And it is indeed a shocking story, as the Sun screams: Abi keeps clothes on sensation.
Hiding its disappointment well, the Sun says how Titmuss ran from a gang of lads who demanded to see her boobs.
No sooner asked than done, you might have thought. But the nude calendar girl and former presenter of a satellite porn channel was having none of it.
As the blokes chanted Get your t*ts out for the lads, Titmuss at first remained professional as she examined five men in their pants in the Best Boxer Shorts contest at Chesterfields Zanzibar club.
But soon the chants got too much. Five bouncers tried to hold back the surging crowd. In fear of her safety, Abi was dragged out of the venue via a fire escape.
But she soon reappeared in a VIP area, where she signed autographs. Although, whether she did so topless, bottomless or with a flower shoved up her bum is not reported…
Paul Sorene is the Anorak’
Otherwise Engaged
‘AS death drew close he raised his right hand as if blessing an unseen crowd and whispered his last word: AMEN.
| ”I hear some of your priests are good with children?” |
Thats the simple headline on todays Mail, above a picture of the passed-on pontiff lying in state in his full regalia.
No mention of the effect of his death on house prices. Not even a hint that the final amen marked the approval of an edict saying that the worlds 1.1 billion Catholics should register for postal votes and sweep the Conservatives to power in the forthcoming General Election.
Inside, its a different story, and the paper spells out an unexpected aspect of the Popes demise, which presents a major problem for the future head of the Church of England the freethinking Buddhist known to millions as Charles.
The Organic Prince is of course getting married on Friday, and the Holy Fathers funeral could mean more snubs for Charles, as the great and the good head for Rome.
It also means that Buckingham Palace will have to name a second candidate to attend the funeral if Charles himself cannot attend. According to the paper, this would normally be Prince Andrew, but officials may turn to Prince Philip.
Quite right too Andrew is notoriously boorish and Philips tact is definitely whats required in these delicate circumstances.
Meanwhile the BBC is considering the implications and pondering its options, and says that if it needs to change its wedding coverage, an announcement will be made.
The way things are going for Charles, we wouldnt bet against Lee Bowyer calls a press conference on the big day. We are watching the situation, said a BBC spokesman.
But will anyone else be watching come 12.30pm on Friday?’
Toon Cryer
‘SPEAKING of Lee Bowyer, the Star offers an intriguing explanation of Saturdays fisticuffs at St Jamess Park.
| Has Bowyer had his chips? |
The paper reminds us, in coy terms, of Bowyers two most famous scandals the mini-riot in McDonalds in 1996, and the attack on Sarfraz Najeib five years ago.
The details are skated over but the point is made: Lee Bowyer is the type of bloke who could start a fight in an empty house especially if he wanted a hamburger at the time.
Having established that Bowyer has a short fuse, the Star then reveals the cause of the latest explosion a blonde bombshell called Kathleen Baker.
Kathleen is the posh model who was Bowyers fiancée until she dumped him last week, and a source close to Bowyer reckons that this shock caused him to lose it on Saturday.
Kieron Dyer who played the role of Bowyers punchbag appears to be unconnected to the break-up. His misfortune, according to the source, was to be at the wrong place at the wrong time.
In Dyers case, being in the wrong place at the wrong time normally means being in a hotel room in London while a training session is underway in Newcastle.
This time, it meant being on the same pitch as an increasingly frustrated and angry Bowyer.
Gorgeous Kathleen is quoted as describing Bowyer as an angel.
Catholics should pray that hes not typical of the standards of hospitality at their late fathers new residence.’
Anne’s Lesbian Shame
‘BITCHY ANNES LESBIAN BUST UP, shrieks the Sun.
| Screw you? |
No, its nothing to do with the tireless royal charity worker. This is Anne Robinson, the scourge of hapless contestants on TVs The Weakest Link.
Anne is in the Prince Philip class when it comes to upsetting people, having famously outraged the Scousers and the Welsh with her sweeping generalisations concerning their supposed characteristics.
Now shes had a pop at the female prison officer community, and the sisters are up in arms.
Annes mistake was to make certain assumptions about a 47-year-old screw Louise who appeared as a contestant on the show.
Are you gay? asked Anne, by way of introduction, and Louise replied that she was not. But you ARE a prison officer? insisted Anne, to which Louise riposted: Not all prison officers are gay.
Another presenter might have let the matter drop at this point, but not Robinson. You have short hair and no eye make-up! barked the red-haired harridan.
She returned to her theme later, when Louise admitted that she enjoyed swimming.
So you swim, you dont wear eye make-up, you have short hair and you are a prison officer and you are heterosexual, sneered Anne. Thats correct, replied Louise, to which Anne snorted Come on!
In these days of hate crime, we cant help feeling that Robinson is sailing close to the wind. She has already been threatened with prosecution over her anti-Welsh prejudice, and now shes upset the lesbians, she could find herself in hot water again.
Lets hope for her sake that she doesnt get herself locked up for her latest outburst. Deprived of make-up, and with her short hair, the potential for misunderstanding doesnt bear thinking about.’
Branston Pickle
‘IN CASE you were thinking that some areas of British life are too boring to be affected by the national obsession about sex, think again.
| The best little warehouse in Branston |
The Sun brings news of a sex scandal at B&Q, which surely even the most perverted Anorak reader will agree is pretty low down the list of erotic playgrounds.
Yet it turns out that the story is just the latest in a string of incidents at the store, including saucy goings-on among shelf-stackers at the Wallesey superstore and sex romps in the Luton branch.
This time the setting is the curiously-named Showroom Fulfilment Centre in B&Qs Branston branch.
With hindsight this name proves to be surprisingly apt, as it transpires that workers kept watch while a young female employee gave a whole new meaning to the phrase shag-pile by performing sex on a heap of rugs in the warehouse.
She was charging £10 for starters and a bit more for full sex, said a colleague. Word got round and she became very popular.
Hardly surprising. Value for money is B&Qs watchword, and you cant fault the youngster on that score. Nevertheless, she has been sacked by the company after being caught with more than £1,000 in her overalls.
The paper quotes a lorry driver who was familiar with the set-up, and he seems to suggest a bad case of double standards. If they sacked all the people whove used this womans services then they would have to launch a major recruitment drive, he said.
Then again, judging by their slogan (You can do it if you B&Q it) it could be that they already have…’
Porn And Bread
‘ONE has to be careful when reading the papers on 1st April, as most of them like to slip April Fool items into their pages, and its not always easy to spot them, given the bizarre nature of many of their serious stories.
| ”Nowt as queer as folk” |
Most of these spoof items tend to be fairly obvious, though, and once you have spotted them, you can be fairly confident that the rest are kosher that is to say, as genuine as any tabloid story can be expected to be.
So we believe the Daily Express when it announces: England 2005 …and a fetish shop opens on Hovis Hill.
And our faith is boosted by the wealth of detail and the lack of comic names such as Danny Dildo and Vicky Vibrator (not to be confused with Anorak readers Brian Dildo and Gladys Vibrator, both of whom are pillars of their respective communities).
The story is this. Gold Hill in Dorset was the site for the famous Hovis ad which featured a young lad pushing a bicycle up a steep cobbled street.
Today, however, it is the site for Near Dark, a shop selling rubber clothing and fantasy and role-playing outfits.
This hasnt best pleased some local residents, who say that the fetish emporium is lowering the tone of the neighbourhood.
Ive nothing against those who want to wear this kind of thing, said one resident, whose anonymity unfortunately prevents us from naming and shaming him, but they shouldnt be ramming it down our throats.
Other residents are more outspoken, however. People come here because it is beautiful and historic, not for this kind of thing, says David Denman, who has no qualms about expressing his views openly.
The shops proprietors, Krissy Elliot-Foster and Mike Elliot, are defiant. Its not lowering the tone of the area, says Krissy. There are no sex toys here, no naff porn videos and no under-the-counter business of any kind.
Quite right too. For that sort of thing, one must go to Gold Hills friendly corner shop, which has been selling such items for seven generations.
Youll find everything you need in the far right-hand corner, under the souvenir tea-towels. Reveal yourself as an Anorak reader and youll get a special 10 per cent discount.’
Good Clean Fun?
‘SPEAKING of erotic paraphernalia, the Sun reveals that half of all women own a sex toy, and they are set to outsell washing machines.
| Joyce found washing ”orgasmic”, and the best legal high since ironing |
This is according to a survey by Ann Summers, the one-stop shop for all your nylon and vinyl needs.
Now, we here at Anorak dont pretend to be experts on this sort of thing, but judging by the womens magazines we peruse in the course of our daily duties, we were under the impression that washing machines were used primarily as vibrators these days, on account of the exciting way in which they shake about when you sit on them.
Although none of us has actually used one for this purpose, we do have evidence of their vibrating powers.
Old Mr Anorak once sat on one during its spin cycle and the shaking was sufficient to spill the cup of tea that he was holding. (Every cloud has a silver lining, though. His accident led him to invent Eezy-Wipe Comfi-Slax, which can be cleaned quickly and easily with a handkerchief should disaster strike.)
The paper says that 2.4 million sex toys and 2.7 million washing machines were sold in 2004 alone, and these figures could explain the findings of research by psychologists at the University of Middlesex.
The Express reports that one of the major causes of anger in modern life involves unattainable goals such as buying an appliance that does not work.
Whats more, men tend to describe their feelings as a flood, whereas women use phrases such as bubbling or simmering.
It all points to one inescapable conclusion. An outbreak of sex rage that will make Faliraki look like an Ann Summers party at the local vicarage.’
Plus Ones
‘WHEN we heard yesterday that Prince Charles had jetted off to Klosters for his stag do with 40 of his friends, we started to think.
| ”Where’s the ruddy valve?” |
Taking up a pen and a blank piece of paper, we began to write the names of they who would tie the heir to the thrones puckered naked body to a Swiss lamppost with only a begonia to protest his modesty.
Our rule was that they must be Charless friends – not staff, not his toothpaste squeezer, not his favourite houseplants, but friends.
And after an hour of toil, we came up with…no-one. But as we began to despair, we read in todays Mirror that the stag do is down to 30 in number.
Phew! This should make the task in hand of working out who Charless friends are far simpler. And, indeed, we hear that a certain Charles Palmer-Tomkinson is along for the ride. So thats one.
And so is Charless daughter Tara, her sister Santa and her husband Simon Sebag-Montefiore. Thats four.
The Mirror also spots Prince Harry (funf) and his mate Guy Pelly (six), who the paper reminds readers was once wrongly accused of supplying the would-be ginger Fuhrer with cannabis.
And thats it. Even with a son, a son-in-law, two daughters and a Guy, the count is only up to six. Even when we include the star of the show, the number is but a lowly seven.
But before we consider the ludicrous idea that Charles has very few friends and that over twenty wooden tops and bodyguards have stepped in to make up the numbers, the Express spots two more notables.
One is another relative, Prince William, while the other is Kate Middleton, Williams girlfriend.
Overlooking the rights and wrongs of taking your girlfriend on a stag do, the paper takes one glance at Williams young love and announces on its front page: Queen Kate.
William could not hide the depth of his feelings as he gazed into her eyes on the romantic Swiss ski slopes, oozes the Express.
Indeed, the Mail agrees and says that Wills only has eyes for Kate, the daughter of Michael and Carole, who run a party accessories business from their Berkshire home, dont yer know.
But, surprisingly, Queen Kates mum and dad arent in the stag party, which sticks at just nine in number. Or 30, if you include a few skis, strippers and poles…
Paul Sorene is the Anorak’
Rat-A-Tat-Tat
‘SOMEONE less popular than Prince Charles, and an even bigger love cheat, is Darren Day.
| Unlike the morning sickness, Darren won’t go away |
But even he is trying to mend his ways, and the Sun hears that having walked out on the mother of his baby son on Mothers Day, he now wants Suzanne Shaw back.
Or as the Sun puts it: The ratbag turned up on the former HearSay singers doorstep, begging her to take him back.
What would Suzanne do? Well, be happy in the knowledge that she realised Darren is beyond repair and told him to get back to the Travelodge hed crawled out from.
Good on you, Suzanne, says the Sun, which then asks an unnamed source to explain what went on.
It seems that Darren rocked up to the home the couple once shared to collect a few of this things.
He turned on the waterworks, begging her to take him back, says Suzannes pal.
But before he could move from tears to God, Suzanne had closed the door in his simpering face and decided that theres only so much weaselling a man can do.
Of course, this being Darren Day, there may be much, much more ratting, ferreting and weaselling to come…
Paul Sorene is the Anorak’
Cock Unsure
‘EARLIER in the week, we looked on in horror as alleged drink-driving Vic Reeves acted like his car and hit the skids.
| ”Why did the chicken cross the road? To find a better joke” |
Thankfully, his former lapdancer wife Nancy S.O.R.R.E.L.L (did you get that?) was there to pose for photos and tell the press that Vic was not allowed to talk.
Now, buoyed by her exposure in something more than a pair of suspenders, Nancy has held an interview with the Independents newspaper, which the Express has seen.
In it, N.A.N.C.Y (OK?) treats readers to the story of how when Preachy the chicken developed a limp, the couple fretted over what to do.
The wise thing would be to say nothing and pass off the injured limp as pre-tenderised meat.
But Nancy and her Vic are caring types, and knew that their bird deserved more than gravy and a side order of chips.
I fell in love with him, says Nancy of the fowl. He was so cute and fluffy and white. Then one day he started limping and his head was hanging off a bit.
(Are we alone in thinking the birds tale is some kind of allegory for Vics faltering career?)
So Nancy, who was really upset, called her man. We couldnt bring ourselves to wring his neck, so Jim got him with a rifle… Jim had to shoot him 10 times.
And this, as the Sun reports, might have put Reeves in breach of animal cruelty laws.
As an RSPCA spokesman says: A competent marksman would have dispatched a chicken in one shot.
And not let it limp on and on, wandering around in ever decreasing circles like a comedian looking for a closing punchline…
Paul Sorene is the Anorak’
Stag Hunt
‘YESTERDAY we waved a fond auf wiedersehen to Prince Charles, his sons and 40 friends as they jetted off for the heir to the thrones stag do.
| Kate hears the sound of a car engine revving up |
What the theme of the send off will be is not revealed by the Mirror, but dont rule out lots of stags being shot through the head and their antlers sawn off.
But while the Swiss ski resort of Klosters was being made ready for the partys arrival, princes William and Harry were getting into rave mode early.
The Express looked on as the lads and 11 of their friends trotted along to the Sugar Hill bar in Fulham last night.
The snappers then saw Wills leave, and dallied long enough to see his girlfriend, Kate Middleton, scurry out of the venue ten minutes after her man.
To the paper this is not a sign the couple have had a row, rather part of a cloak-and-dagger operation to keep the 22-year-old young Miss out of the headlines.
But it failed, and now instead of reading the usual story about the number of drinks young Harry imbibed and if how he spent the evening talking exclusively in German, we get to read a story called Prince and the shy girl.
Its like history repeating itself, as the rather stiff Prince William dates a tall, demure English rose.
While an older woman with a horse blanket draped over her shoulders sits nearby in a battered white Fiat Uno with the engine running…’
Back To The Front
‘WHEN Charlotte Church was 16, she turned her back on the cameras and invited the world to appraise her rump.
| Her lungs are her fortune |
It was round and pert enough to earn her the title of Rear of the Year, and so propel her towards superstar status.
Now shes matured, we are being asked to consider her front. And to make matters simpler, you can check out a topless mobile phone photo of her.
In MY TOPLESS PIC HELL, we read on the Stars cover that Charlotte sent the photo to her new boyfriend Gavin Heston but someone got hold of her mobile and it has now been pinged to scores of people.
Rightly, this is the papers big story of the day. And whats more, its nothing short of an EXLCLUSIVE. Indeed, while the Sun has the same story, it still believes Church to be dating one Gavin Henson, the tanned star of Welsh rugby.
While hacks at the Star keep their shot of this Heston character under wraps for another slow news day, the Sun says that it has seen the topless photo but agreed to spare her blushes.
At least in the honourable Sun, disappointed readers can roll their eyes to the storys right and see what topless stunnas Jak and Danni flash to Gavin Heston, Gavin Henson and just about anyone else that cares to look…’
