Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Morning Glory
‘AFTER yesterdays invitation to work the words Big Mac into a hip-hop song, we are now invited to wrap our lips around Burger Kings Enormous Omelette Sandwich.
| You can’t make an omelette without clogging some arteries |
The Sun has dared to lift the lid on this heart-attack in a bap, and noted the ingredients to be a composite mix of two eggs, one sausage, three rashers of bacon and two slices of cheese.
Put that lot together and youll be less singing than using all your puff to crawl to the nearest toilet.
But news is that the sandwich is simply a response to customers demands for bigger meals, and they are going down even quicker than they look like theyll come back up…’
Red-Eyed Sonia
‘SONIA and Martin have been happy for a couple of weeks now so, of course, its time for the Walford witch to wave her magic misery wand. Sonia has discovered that her daughter Chloes adoptive parents have (conveniently) died in a car crash.
| ”With your acting ability and my looks, Chloe could be in Emmerdale on day” |
Sonia snuck along to their funeral and saw her daughter for the first time in two years since the time she tried to kidnap her.
Understandably, Martins worried. If you cant support me on this then what future do we have? sobbed Sonia as Martin tried banning her from visiting Chloe again.
Sonia is pretending to Chloes adopted grandmother that shes an old family friend in order to gain access to her daughter. I just cant see what good its doing, muttered Martin accurately summing up this latest feeble plot effort by scriptwriters.
Weve already sat through one attempt at Sonia trying to be reunited with her daughter two years ago, do we really need to go through another?
There are some flickering signs of a pulse in Walford though this week as Stacey proves shes a worthy successor to Janine as she lunges as Rosie Miller in the pub in classic World Wrestling Federation style.
Rosie has just discovered via Johnnys daughter Ruby that it was Stacy who grassed them up to the Social Services. Rather than apologise though, Stacy launched into a tirade against dole frauds in a manner any Conservative Parliamentary Candidate would have been proud of.
Stacys days of causing havoc in the Square may be over though as Charlie Slater has just discovered that Stacy is actually only 15 not 17 and should, therefore, still be at school. Counting never was Charlies strong point – just look at the number of pies he manages to get through on a daily basis.
Gangster Johnny has brought two new ladies into Walford: his troubled teenaged daughter Ruby and his mistress, Tina. It transpires that Johnny lost his wife and other daughter Scarlet (who hes named his new club after) in a house fire – obviously as a new resident to Walford hes going to have suffered some sort of hideous tragedy in his life.
Remaining daughter Ruby has run away from boarding school to join her dear old dad in Albert Square a decision shes going to quickly come to regret when she realises that shes walked straight into the Valley of Death.
Johnny has reluctantly agreed to let her stay, a decision that girlfriend Tina is less than happy about. I fort this was a fresh start for us, Tina pouted after Johnny made her promise not to tell Ruby that the pair had been seeing each other years before her mother died. Wot am I supposed to do stuck in this grotty flat? she asked. You could always try taking acting lessons love.
Little Mo and Alfies much touted affair is taking longer to ignite than a damp firework, despite the columns of tabloid newsprint its generated.
The reluctant couple have gone as far as having lunch in an empty pizza restaurant together before Little Mo leaves to visit her sister Lynn. We get on so well, dont we? laboured Mo, desperately trying to breath some life into this unlikely storyline.
Kats back from real-life maternity leave in a couple of weeks so fingers crossed the orange beach ball will come bouncing back to cause some much-needed chaos.’
He’s Not Alone
‘WHEN the film of the Michael Jackson trial is made, Macaulay Culkin is a shoo-in to play the musician.
| Behind you! |
Sure, the blond actor will have to lighten his skin a little for the part, but computer trickery can help with that.
Culkin, the former child star, is talented enough to make the role his own, and has a head start on the competition in being familiar with the plot.
How The Boy Is Mine (Cert. 12) ends has yet to be decided, but in scene five Culkin makes a surprise appearance as one of the singers alleged previous victims.
As the Mail tells readers on its front page, Culkin was not Home Alone, as the movie said he was, but round at Jacksons Neverland ranch.
But nothing untoward happened there – police interviewed Culkin when Jackson was first accused of child abuse over a decade ago and Culkin denied that Jackson had ever molested him.
As such, Culkin has been named as a defence witness. But as the Sun says, his testimony will also form part of the prosecutions case.
Yesterday, the paper says that Judge Rodney Melville granted prosecutors the right to bring before the court evidence from Culkin and six more of Jacksons alleged victims.
Of course, although seven as a number is of use to they who would see Jackson put behind bars, the number is no good for the media.
So the judge has helpfully agreed to allow only five of the seven cases to be heard by the jury, thus giving the Sun and just about every paper from Santa Maria to Wapping the chance to write the headline: THE JACKSON FIVE.
And for Culkin to take centre stage again…
Paul Sorene is the Anorak’
Barman Brawl
‘IN times of trouble, the temptation for Wayne Rooney to return to his old ways – and the bed of the 48-year-old woman known as Auld Slapper in her rough trade – must be resisted.
| Buy-buy Wayne? |
Rooney has surely matured since his early days as a footballer and besides, he now earns enough money to get the woman who claims to be his former lover a taxi round to his mansion.
You see, there is trouble in paradise, or at least the sweaty boozer that substitutes for such a place on the sun-kissed island of Tenerife.
La Roons girlfriend, professional shopper Coleen McLoughlin, has cut short her break on the Spanish island after she was pictured holding hands with a barman.
This, as the Express reports, left Englands footballing tyro annoyed and embarrassed. He picked up the phone and in a series of blistering phone calls told his girlfriend that she was distracting him for his job of swearing, spitting and kicking a ball.
He then insisted she vacate the £600-a-night hotel suite and fly home at once to explain her actions.
Why had she been pressing flesh with barman Toby Eason during a boozy night at Linekers bar when Rooney thought shed been shopping for dresses?
Why had she been involved in trouble at Rags nightclub – one of her pals was thrown out, sparking a brawl with a group of Spanish girls when poor Wayne thought she was out buying shoes?
Where did she get that bikini from, and who told her to wear it with those boots?
Questions that must be answered fully and frankly if Rooney and his lover are to make a go of things.
And the romance is to last longer than the time it takes a mother of six to put on her cowboy outfit and saddle up…
Paul Sorene is the Anorak’
A Turn For The Worse
‘REMEMBER when Vic Reeves was edgy, witty and original? No, neither do we.
| Vic was funnier when he was with Bob Mortimer |
Weve all become so used to seeing the comedian looking stale and sad as he poses for showbiz magazines and appears on reality TV shows that its hard to believe he ever made us laugh for the right reasons.
And now we reach another lowly staging post in the showmans slide from grace.
The Express reports that Reeves has been charged with drink-driving after an alleged hit-and-run crash.
The story goes that Reeves was at the wheel of his vintage Jaguar when it crashed into his neighbour Michelle Tongs car. Reeves then carried on without stopping, careering up a grass bank and ploughing through a fence outside his Maidstone pile.
This left Churchill Insurance with little option but to sack Reeves from his job of voicing their adverts.
And while the case is under investigation, Reeves will remain silent elsewhere too, and put his finger to his lips when confronted by journalists.
Although, his keen-to-be-noticed wife, former lapdancer Nancy Sorrell, does get her words in the paper and her name in print.
The most important thing is that nobody was hurt, says she who can be hired. We are not allowed to say anything. You have your scoop, what more is there to say?
Then, having resisted the urge to answer her own question in song, remove her clothes or tell a joke, Nancy and her husband walked into the sunset.
And obscurity…
Paul Sorene is the Anorak’
Bridal Shower
‘MORE news on the Royal wedding now as the Sun tells us how almost all the Windsor family will be there to see Charles and Camilla make things legal.
| ”Isn’t that Diana?” |
Prince Andrew has agreed to stop playing golf long enough to attend the ceremony; Prince Edward, The Weed In Tweed, has promised not to film things on a camera hidden where his brain should be; and Princess Anne of Newmarket is being rubbed down and oiled.
With God uninvited this is a civil ceremony witnesses will be Tom Parker Bowles, Charless godson and one of Camillas two boys, and Prince William.
Standing between this bunch of cocaine takers, wannabe kings and adulterers is brave Clair Williams, the registra, who just happens to be a divorcee herself, as the Mail cares to mention.
But while Clair shops for new outfit, the Mirror reminds us all that the only players missing will be the Queen and her husband, Prince Philip.
However, they will be there in a way, since a large picture of Liz and another of Phil do hang in one of the main rooms at Windsors Guildhall.
Although, on the day they may be turned to face the wall…
Paul Sorene is the Anorak’
Celebrity MMR
‘AFTER a story of biting arms, we now hear a tale of a shot in one.
| Three jabs or one? |
Or, rather, a non-shot, since the story in the Mirror is of how Charlie Sheen and his estranged wife, Denise Richards, rowed about giving their child the MMR jab.
Richards wanted their couples two-year-old son Sam to have the three-in-one injection for measles, mumps and rubella.
And Sheen, worried about its possible links to autism, did not.
A source says that the pair argued in front of medics to such a degree that one doctor refused to work with them.
And this played a part in Denise and Charlies separation, – earlier this month it was announced that they were divorcing.
Sad for them, indeed, and just rotten for baby Sam, but at last it seems the MMR debate has a much-needed celebrity face.
And that can only be a good and positive thing…
Paul Sorene is the Anorak’
News Bites
‘ITS not easy being the head of a large corporation, especially one as high profile as the BBC.
| ”You want a piece of me?” |
Everyday you are faced with tough choices. Who do I sack? How do I sack them? How do I justify employing Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen? Who do I to eat? How do I eat them?
Thankfully, Mark Thompson, the Beebs Director General, does not baulk at a challenge. Under his firm hand, staff will disappear faster than an EastEnders storyline and others will be eaten at random.
But signs are that even the bearded Thompson has bitten off more than he can chew. And the Mirror leads with the sensational headline: BEEB BOSS BIT ME.
The report says that the man the Express labels The beast of the BBC sank is teeth into the arm of Anthony Massey, a senior television journalist.
The Mail (The day I was bitten on the arm by the BBC boss) says that Massey suffered clear bite marks through his shirt.
No paper bothers to print a shot of the marks, nor of Massey, leaving it to readers imagination to work out just how tasty the victim is.
But Mail readers do hear how the story came to light in an email exchange between Newsnight presenter Jeremy Paxman and World Deputy Editor Massey.
Ive got to interview Mark Thompson tomorrow, writes Paxman. Is it true that he once bit you?
Its absolutely true, replies Massey. He goes on: I was standing next to him on his right, and he was sitting reading his horoscope in the Star (I always remember that detail).
Before I could say a word he suddenly turned, snarled, and sank his teeth into my upper arm… It hurt. I pulled my arm out of his jaws, like a stick out of the jaws of a Labrador.
This leaves Paxman to conclude: This bloke is clearly insane. And in another email to state: Bloody hell. If any of this came out, hed be toast.
Which is a meal, perhaps, tastier than an arm – but not as delicious as the cold dish of revenge now being served on the man who plans to sack so many BBC employees…
Paul Sorene is the Anorak’
Loony Rooney
‘LAST summer, Wayne Rooney could do no wrong. He was Englands footballing hero, the type who would make the nation champions.
| Rooney – does exactly what it says on the T-shirt |
Sure, he was about as photogenic as an angry cold sore, but give the lad a ball and he looked magnificent.
Now, not even one full year on from his sensational explosion onto the big stage in Euro 2004, Rooney is famous for having a shopaholic girlfriend, a penchant for middle-aged prostitutes and a foul mouth.
And it gets worse today as we read on the Suns cover: RAGING ROONEY BEAT ME UP.
The story goes that while out drinking with some Manchester United team-mates, Rooney was spotted by 22-year-old student Patrick Hanrahan.
I dont know why, says Hanrahan, but it just popped into my head to say something to Rooney about Everton.
And..? I was walking past his group on the way to the toilet and said Once a blue always a blue, eh Wayne?
The Sun reminds those two or three readers not obsessed with football that this was a jibe about how Rooney pledged his allegiance to Everton just before he left for Manchester United.
And back in the bar, Rooney heard the comment and invited Hanrahan to repeat it. So he did. Which was the trigger for the footballer to go crazy, and, allegedly, hit the student three times in the head.
Hanrahan was shaken and reported the incident to the police.
But over on the Mirrors front page, readers hear an altogether different tale. There, the mouthy student becomes a thug (hes a drunken fan in the Star) and Rooney is an innocent, who tells friends: This man was insulting me. It was disgusting what he was saying, but I never laid a finger on him.
In the face of the Suns version, thats quite some claim – especially for Rooney, who seems incapable of producing one sentence let alone two without a single expletive.
Which is more than can be said for Hanrahan, who the Mirror says lunged at the footballer and let rip with a volley of abuse, calling Rooney a treacherous c***; or a f**king traitor, as the Star has it.
Which all makes it hard for us to know who to believe – the student/thug who went to the police or the angelic footballer out for quiet drink with some mates in a central Manchester bar?
Perhaps the Mirror can produce some photos of the confrontation to clear up this confusing matter…
Paul Sorene is the Anorak’
Day Release
‘GOOD news for any rising starlet in need of a celebrity lover – self-confessed incurable romantic Darren Day is back on the prowl.
| Auditions to be Darren’s new girlfriend will be held at a Travelodge near you |
Many of you will doubtless have been labouring under the impression that Darren had settled down with Suzanne Shaw and their baby son, Correy.
But the Mirror tells us that the couple are no more, and two weeks ago Day dumped the mother of his child because he found it impossible to commit to being a dad.
Sometimes, Id say, Lets go out with the pram, and hed say, Im too tired. It was a constant battle to go out and do family things, says Suzanne.
And it gets worse when we learn that love rat Day did not even return Suzannes calls when the three-month-old Correy fell victim to a bout of conjunctivitis.
But while Darren is testing the casting bed at a Travelodge, and Suzanne is preparing to sell their Hertfordshire home, the Sun notices that Day has coined a new catchphrase for himself.
Having satiated her need to tell us that she and Day only had sex once since the babys birth, Suzanne says that Day threw her the parting shot: I dont do family.
But he does do co-stars, aspiring actresses, reality TV show winners, the fame hungry…
Paul Sorene is the Anorak’
Cat’s Amazing!
‘IF its not raving footballers and love cheats you have to watch out for, its black panthers.
| The urban fox |
Yes, folks, its time to lock your doors, seal up the cat flap and be on the look out for what the Mail is calling The Beast of Sydenham.
The suburb of South London is said to be in the thrall of a huge black cat that has just attacked local pet owner Tim Holder.
Hearing the pitiful cries of his pet tabby, Kitty Kat, he dashed to the garden. And there he saw his beloved cat being pinned down by what he first believed to be a fox.
Resisting the urge to pull on a red tunic, mount his horse and run the vermin ragged, he went over to shoo it away.
And then it turned on him. I was staring into the whites of its eyes and it was growling and baring its teeth, says Holden. It weighed a lot more than me Im 13 stone and it was at least 5ft long. This was no fox.
Over in the Mirror, Holden is pictured cuddling his pet now named Kit-Kat while the paper tells us about the hissing and snarling black beast.
And how it said something abusive about Wayne Rooney before running off…
Paul Sorene is the Anorak’
A Mugger’s Game
‘POOR old Eastenders producers, they just cant seem to get anything right. As both Emmerdale and Coronation Street go from strength to strength, Walfords biggest storyline last week involved Rosie Miller stealing a tin of soup from the Mini Mart.
| ”I joined EastEnders because I needed to be some place where no-one would find me” |
Not learning any lessons from the return of Dirty Den fiasco, producers are now pinning their hopes on the return of Phil Mitchell and are also trying to woo back the likes of Cathy Beale. Why not just sack the whole of the current cast and just repeat old episodes from the mid-80s?
Theres a small glimmer of hope for Albert Square, though, as the whole feeble Ferreira family leave later this week when Johnny discovers that theyve been stealing money from him, and not wanting to suffer the same fate as Andy, they decide to scarper.
So, however new character Johnny Allen turns out, well always have something to thank him for.
Johnny has also set out to win the hearts not only of Eastenders viewers but also of the local residents too, positioning himself as cross between Ghandi and Charles Bronson in Death Wish.
The Square is currently being terrorised by a mute extra in a hooded top whos launched a one-man mugging spree. Johnny paid for a burglar alarm to be fitted in Dots house and has sent Danny Moon out to patrol the streets to try get rid of him – presumably by showing him theres only room for one grimy small time villain who cant act per episode.
Stacy claimed that shed been one of the first victims of the Walford mugger, but even a junkie mugger would have more sense than to try and take on a Slater her fishwife screeching could raise the dead. It turns out that Stacy simply pretended that shed been mugged to pocket the takings from the Mini Mart. Ians daughter Lucy discovered that Stacy had been lying and told her fourth new mum Jane.
Instead of smacking Stacys fat little face into the counter, Patrick agreed that she could carry on working for him to pay off the debts – which is about as likely as a Darren Day pledge of fidelity.
Hopefully Stacy is about to get some sort of comeuppance as Rosie discovers that it was her who grassed the Miller family up to the Social Services. The Millers have been ordered to pay back hundreds of pounds in benefits and Rosies been reduced to begging for out of date food from the café and stealing soup from the Mini Mart.
Perhaps she could have a word with Johnny Allen it transpires out that he used to employ Pat Butcher and if he can hire her out as a good time girl, then he can quite literally make a silk purse out of a sows ear.’
The British Crown Affair
‘TODAY we learn that Camilla Parker Bowles will be something that Diana never was.
| Camilla tries on the Royal solar panels |
Its unlikely shell never be considered one of the worlds most beautiful women, have her hairstyle copied by women across the globe and be pursued – and caught – by playboys, but she will be Queen.
Its something the papers are certain of, as the Express and Mirror both lead with the bald truth: CAMILLA WILL BE QUEEN.
We know this because, as the Mirror says, MP Andrew Mackinlay raised the issue with Christopher Leslie, the Constitutional Affairs Minister.
And in doing so, Mackinlay has introduced the Mirrors readership to the word morganatic.
In case any Mirror readers are struggling to understand the word, the paper helpfully tells them that it means the wife not sharing her husbands titles.
And when MacKinlay asked Leslie is the marriage would be morganatic, he was given the answer No. Which left Mackinlay to conclude: This is unequivocal…Camilla is Queen.
Er, not quite. For that to happen Charles will have to succeed to the throne, and giving the longevity of his mothers line (The Queen Mum was a sprightly 176 when her solar panels were finally tilted away from the sun), Camilla might have a long wait.
But at least when she marries her Charles we can confer his current titles on her revered head.
So please be upstanding for Camilla Jug Ears, Camilla Proper Charlie, Camilla Begonia Fancier, Camilla The Carbuncle…
Paul Sorene is the Anorak’
Oliver’s Army
‘IF you dont eat yer meat, you cant have any pudding. How can you have any pudding if you dont eat yer meat?”
| Jamie makes Tony and his team the perfect humbug |
Its a question that resonates within all of us who have been to school and been presented once a day with an amalgam of animal shavings, bulking agent and dinner lady sweat.
But todays children can have their pudding all day, and often its undistinguishable from the meat – both being full of sugar and additives and dispensed from a squeezable tube.
But thanks to Jamie Oliver, its all set to change. Under the Oliver eating regime, tongue will be tongue and children will be fed up on food packed with nutrition and goodness.
As the Sun says, armed with an asparagus spear, Jamie Olivers war on junkfood is set to revolutionise the way our children eat.
Sure, the nippers will still chew food with their mouths open, spay it round the room and moan about it tasting funny, but it will be doing them the power of good.
And, as with anything that seems popular with the great uneducated, the Government have joined the fight.
The Mirror says that Education Secretary Ruth Kelly has pledged to invest money in training up dinner ladies and giving them new kitchens and catering equipment to prepare delicious grub.
Hurrah!
But the Sun wants parents to do their bit, too. And while Gladys and her fellow food murderers in the school kitchens work out which end of a carrot is up with the help of a Government pamphlet, the Sun produces a range of cut-out-and-keep menus.
And very handy they are. For now when mum asks junior what he had to eat at school, he can consult his crib sheet, enthuse about his small pot of hummus (Monday) and cheese cubes (Wednesday) and then tuck into his treat of ten packets of crisps and a fat bastard-sized chocolate sausage bar…
Paul Sorene is the Anorak’
Y A FAN
‘WHILE Jamie Oliver gets festooned with bouquet garnets for his efforts to promote himself and healthy school dinners, Richard Whitely rolls on.
| Carol loves fannying around with the crowd |
In a nation of barely literate oiks, Whitely and his Countdown show have done more to encourage reading and good spelling than any GCSE in media studies.
And, as such, it was unsurprising that when offered the chance to see the great educator at work, a gaggle 20 female students aged 19 and 20 jumped at the chance.
It would be a big day in their lives. And to calm nerves, the Sun says the group got loaded on cheap wine. Then they took their seats for the show to begin.
We normally only get grannies and granddads in the audience so this was a big shock, says an insider at Channel 4, which broadcasts the show.
They were really lively and noisy but I dont care because they laughed at all my jokes, says Whitely.
And, as it turns out, let off a stink bomb. And called out random words as players puzzled over the letters game.
And then came the final straw telling Carol Vorderman to get your f**** out.
And this earned them the honour of being the first group to ever be expelled from Whitelys class.
Leaving Richard to chortle and a provocatively-dressed Carol to work out their score…
Paul Sorene is the Anorak’
Fancy A Ruck?
‘CHARLOTTE Church has attracted some unwanted headlines, but she is no diva, not in the pop princess sense of the word.
| ”He’s scrummy,” say mother and daughter |
The 19-year-old has a long way to go before she can carry off behaving like Maria Carey, who is seen arriving at her London hotel.
And what an entrance she makes, as the Mail says that whenever the singer leaves or arrives at hotel Baglioni, staff must have a red carpet welcome laid out for her.
Naturally, this features a red carpet, flanked on either side by a row of chunky, flickering candles.
Such is Careys desire not to touch pavement that when she arrived unexpectedly at 2:15am yesterday, she ordered her motorcade to circle the area until the carpet had been rolled out and the candles lit.
Yet even with his showmanship, only the Mail notices Carey, with the rest of pops press pack busy chasing after a shot of the aforesaid Church kissing Welsh rugby star Gavin Henson.
The couple are everywhere this morning – and all over each other – as we see them dance and drink in a Cardiff watering hole.
It all looks and sounds so perfect, as the Mirror produces a shot of the singer gazing adoringly into the tyros eyes and hears Charlotte tell all.
Yes, we are a couple. Everything is great were really happy, says Charlotte in ANGELS DELIGHT.
And just as chuffed is Charlottes mum, Maria, who, as the
Express notices, can hardly contain her enthusiasm.
Hes as good as gold, says mum, and as tall and gorgeous in real life as he looks in pictures. Hes so polite and ambitious.
And able to get her daughter noticed and for all the right reasons…
Paul Sorene is the Anorak’
Getting Satisfaction
‘WHEN she bared all as The Graduates Mrs Robinson on the London stage, Jerry Hall showed the world what Mick Jagger was giving up.
| Jerry notices the cushions |
But we who saw the unveiling were unwilling and unable to judge. Jerry has had numerous children, was in her forties and in the dimly lit theatre she could have been Vanessa Feltz or Kylie Minogue and wed not have seen.
But now shes out for revenge, and, as the Mail says, has co-written a track with one Rachel Fuller, girlfriend of the Whos Pete Townsend, in which she unleashes a thinly-veiled attack on old rubber lips.
For her inspiration she takes not Micks ridiculous spasm of a dance, nor his face, rather the dining table at the Richmond home the couple used to share.
For your musical delectation, the lyrics go as follows: We make love on it. Our children scratch their names beneath. The fire lights our passion. And the wine has numbed our grief.
You want more? OK. Here goes: Then you bring other women while I am out of town. And I can always sense where a stranger has sat down.
But thats probably just because theres a small wet patch on the cushions…
Paul Sorene is the Anorak’
The Ugly Tooth
‘WOULD you take a look at that queue on the cover of todays Express! Its huge.
| ”Please, please let me know when it hurts” |
But this is no picture of asylumseekers lining up to collect their new Mercedes from a Dover dealership, rather a snapshot of desperate people waiting for the dentist.
Some in the queue may well be asylum seekers, gypsies or people of foreign extraction, but even allowing for them, the Express estimates that 1,600 souls formed a mile-long queue to register at a dental practice in Spalding, Linconshire.
The Sun puts the figure at 1,500, and tells readers that in this line were mums with buggies and OAPs.
People like the pensioner who compares the line to a Russian bread queue, a mum of two who screams: Its a disgrace!; and an old lady of 87 who kept having to sit down on a fold-up chair.
While we may wonder why the OAP didnt just post her teeth into the new dentist, whose arrival from Spain has created more NHS spaces at the practice, we cant help but wonder how this came to pass.
How can this be? In this day and age, who would have thought that a) anyone wanted to see a dentist ever!; and b) with our diet of junk food and sugar, we had any teeth left to bother with…
Paul Sorene is the Anorak’
House Calls
‘WHAT a bunch of dolts they are at the House of Commons to fool for a fake?
| Posing as President Bush, Boffey soon convinced Tony to bomb Leicester |
Youd never catch the Mirror getting caught out by an untruth, and certainly not the FAKED references that enabled Mirror reporter Daniel Boffey to get a job at the Commons.
In the front-page sensation OPEN HOUSE, Boffey tells the world how he scored a job working as a switchboard operator at the seat of power.
This, unsurprisingly, gave him access to phone numbers, including Tony Blairs direct office number.
While Boffey resists the urge to publish the number of the hotline to the top, he tells us that the grey pass he was given presented some other temptations.
There was the time he resisted the urge to whisper, Dont say a word, its me Kimberley to David Blunkett as the pair rode an escalator.
He fought the pull to compliment ex-Trade Secretary Stephen Byers on his choice of socks, or ask him if he wore them in his or anyone elses bed.
And when he came face to face with Home Secretary Charles Clarke, that man who is so tough on security it hurts, Boffey thought better of saying: The great Osamas beard is better than yours.
Instead, he just answered phones and looked around with his camera-video phone, which he took no less than four times to the area behind the Speakers Chair.
Back there, he heard Cabinet Ministers talk and mingled with ease.
And never once did he fall victim to the greatest temptation of them all to fall into a deep, deep sleep…
Paul Sorene is the Anorak’
Star Snaps
‘WE now take a million-mile leap from stories of faking it to the Suns tale of Shane Richie.
| To protect Christie’s modesty, this photo has been cropped |
One of our most versatile stars Richie can play himself in just about any production is devastated.
It seems that thieves have stolen semi-nude pictures of the actor and his girlfriend, the blonde Christie Goddard.
These saucy photos were not taken by a builder renovating Richies home, nor were they stored on a nicked lap-top, but were nabbed in a failed carjacking.
Apparently, the thieves jumped into Christies jeep, but were unable to start the car. After they tussled with the little-known actress, the villains made off with her handbag and mobile phone on which the racy pictures were stored.
Christie is very upset and Shane is furious. And, whats more, the villains have been sending pictures of topless Christie to Shanes mobile accompanied by taunting messages.
It really is so very awful.
And we hope that things dont get any worse, and a photo of the actress thats C.H.R.I.S.T.I.E doesnt turn up in a national newspaper…
Paul Sorene is the Anorak’
Naughty Nurses
‘NURSES have been banned from showing CLEAVAGE under new rules aimed at beating hospital superbug MRSA.
| The MRSA didn’t stand a chance |
Did you just hear what the Sun said? Could it be that the nasty bug is seduced into our hospital wards by scantily-clad nurses?
High heels, short skirts and strong perfume are also barred by health bosses, adds the papers.
It seems that decision makers at Chase Farm Hospital NHS Trust, North London, have come to the conclusion that the MRSA is some kind of microbe Benny Hill figure.
If this is an accurate diagnosis of the scourge of modern health care, then the Trusts advice is eminently sensible.
But we wonder where the bug will go for its cheap kicks once its seen the nurses sensible new attire.
We fear the nations legion of hardworking French maids will soon be under attack…
Paul Sorene is the Anorak’
The Common Reader
‘MOVE over Jane Austen, Bronte sisters, Virginia Woolf, Mary Shelly…heres the next female literary giant.
| ”It was the best of belts, it was the worst of bras…” |
So announces the Sun, which is delighted to tell the world that Jodie Marsh, she of the interesting nose and the exposed puckered flesh, is to turn her hand to writing.
Not only are we shocked to discover that La Marsh can write, but we stand back in amazement to learn that she can do it rather well.
At least thats the impression the glamour mo-del left on publisher John Blakes inbox.
Her first tome will not be a reworking of Shellys Frankenstein, where a monstrous woman with Jordans breasts, Jodies nose and a collection of glamour mo-dels bits and pieces runs amuck; it will be an autobiography about Jodie!
The book will be called Keeping It Real, and it is, as Jodie says it is, her chance to be taken as a serious writer. I am not a glamour model any more.
I even turned up to the launch in a smart suit, boasts Marsh. My book will be 1000 times better than Jordans because its so well written. Its the hardest thing Ive done but I always won best writer prizes at school.
So look out for the next big thing on the writers block. Both of them…
Paul Sorene in the Anorak’
The X Man
‘REMEMBER when Steve Brookstein was the next big thing in pop singing?
| Michelle Marsh |
Sure you do. He won the X Factor talent show to become reality TVs latest singing sensation. He was the new Gareth Gates. He was the new Michelle Marsh. He was Steeeeve Brooook-steeein…
Well, if you dont know who he is, dont worry because, as the Mirror says, its possible youll never hear his voice since his career has hit the skids before it got going.
The Mirror says that industry insiders have taken to calling the 36-year-old Londoner the Ex Factor after his second single and first album failed to materialise.
Ive written for other artists for so many years and I am struggling now Im writing for myself, says Steve. I feel I have to write this masterpiece, but Im not getting my head around it.
Perhaps hes in need of some help from the erudite Jodi Marsh. Or he could just do as every other singer does and belt out someone elses song…
Paul Sorene is the Anorak’
Bra-vo Gordon
‘THE Sun and Star have but one word to say about Gordon Browns budget – knickers.
| Jennifer isn’t worried about the new tax on clothes |
Theres Coronation Streets Tina OBrien, 21, on the Stars cover page, her body clad in a budget-busting bikini as she sucks on a tax-free lollipop.
Corries Tina may well have it licked, as the Star says, but shell have to do some more sucking up to the papers editor if she is to eclipse Jennifer Ellison and her underwear.
The woman who is rarely if ever seen fully clothed is today posing in a lacy red bra. Jen is, as the paper says she is, the queen of saucy lingerie, as she was named the face and body of Warner underwear.
I am delighted to be the face of this young and vibrant lingerie company for the larger cup size, says 32DD Jen. I have really struggled like other women to find fashionable sexy lingerie sets that look great but that also fit well.
And its a struggle we have all been privy to, looking on as Jen has stuffed herself and her breasts into a succession of badly fitting bras that barely cover her assets.
But it might be that Jens current choice of undies is not the last pair she tries on, because the pneumatic Kirsty Gallacher has been spotted extolling the vitues of her new gunties in the Sun.
And drink in the view folks, because a source close to Kirsty says that shes decided to call it a day and concentrate on more serious things. We wont be seeing her without her clothes on again.
Oh, come, come. Never say never. And whats this nonsense about more serious things? What could be more vital than choosing the right bra and knickers. Eh, Jennifer…
Compiled by Paul Sorene’
Driver’s Marque
‘DID you know that the car you drive is dependent on your name?
| A typical Tony |
For instance, if youre called John Prescott, you always drive at least two Jags, possible at the same time. And if your names Camilla, you destined to end up in a white Fiat Uno, possible battered.
But, as the sun reports, if your names Matthew, Adam or Alexander, who will find yourself seated before the controls of a Renault Clio.
And if the researchers who analysed 500,000 names from insurance firm Churchills database are to be believed, Lees, Garys and Carls just love Vauxhall Astras.
And the modern Mondeo Man, his hands wrapped in driving gloves, his finger tapping out the rhythms of classic rock on the steering wheel, is called Adrian, Howard, Julian or Rodney.
And a woman who drives a 15-year-old, 4×4, E-reg white Fiat Panda is called Sandra Howard, and is the wife of the Tory partys leader, Michael.
Or, rather, she did drive such a motor, because the Express carries the grim news that her trusty steed has been trashed by vandals. They attacked the car at a railways station in Kent.
It was quite sickening to see how violent these mindless vandals had been to it, says Sandra. Im really sad at its passing.
And so are we. But, although we can offer her a shoulder to cry on, we cant guide Sandra towards her next car the Suns list fails to mention of what a Sandra drives.
Although, if her husband can use the Fiats demise as an emblem of what lifes like in Tony Blairs Britain, Sandra might soon be riding around in something a little more salubrious.’
