Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Good Evans
‘HERES what youre missing, Chris, says the front page of the Sun.
‘Knickers to Chris’ |
And what Chris Evans is missing is, apparently, Billie, his estranged wife, who can be seen lying on a bed in pair of black knickers.
And there is not only the promise of more to come in Billes eyes because the paper says that there is more – BILLIES SENSATIONAL NEW PICTURES SEE PAGE 3.
Hold tightly onto your copy of Amateur Photographer, folks, because you are one page away from seeing the singer/actress/model in a raunchy pose.
And what with it being Page 3, we dare to think nay, hope that Billie will be topless.
And then… Well, there on Page 3 is Billie, Billies knickers and Billies smouldering look to the camera. But there is no hint of a nipple.
In another picture you can see up Billies skirt, which has by the magic of wind and/or flatulence blown up in the air to expose her knicker-clad backside.
But nothing more. And not even a hint of fur…’
Face Off
‘IT’LL take more than Jacko’s ”icy glare of pure hatred” to put Martin Bashir off his stroke.
”Not so crowded that there isn’t room for one more?” |
The fearless journalist has faced down more hideous foe then the man who sits in a California courthouse accused of molesting a minor.
As we know, Bashir shared an interview room with Princess Diana and did NOT become romantically involved. He’s faced down Michael Barrymore and lived to swim another day.
Is it any wonder then that Jackson’s look of disgust was soon replaced, in the words of the Sun, by a look of deep sorrow?
In the paper’s front-page story ”JACKO V BASHO”, we look on as the intrepid Bashir, now nicknamed ”Trasho Basho”, becomes the first person to give evidence at the so-called trial of this or any other century.
The paper sees Bashir ignore Jackson’s ”look of hate” as he takes the stand.
His testimony, like his TV shows, will be about the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the sensational, hold-on-to-your hats-and-noses truth.
And then it was time for the VT to roll and for the world to take another look at Bashir’s 2003 ITV documentary Living With Michael Jackson.
And now Jackson’s face changed. This was, as the Mirror says in headline form, a ”FACE OFF”; and Jackson’s was the first face to off.
As the video plays, the Sun sees Jackson begin to rock back and forth as the strains of his song Smooth Criminal break the tension.
Resisting the urge to grab his crotch – and, for that matter, anybody else’s – and moonwalk over the jurors’ heads, Jackson instead began to drum his fingers on his cheeks.
A risky move? You betcha. Because in moments the accused is in tears, and is soon dabbing his face with what looks like a tissue.
Or, perhaps, some tissue – skin tissue!
And so the tape rolls, the singer weeps, the reporter avoids the singer’s gaze and the show goes on…’
Prince Of Hearts
‘THE lack of a corroborating photo forces us to accept the Express’s word that Prince William kissed his girlfriend ”passionately” outside their Verbier ski chalet.
”This time in 30 years let’s be laughing together” |
And since the nylon-clad lovely isn’t wearing a nametag, we’ll have to take it on face value that she is one Kate Middleton, a 22-year-old history of art student.
Of course, if Wills is anything like his dad, the woman with whom he’s sharing a weekend skiing could be any one of a legion of female admirers.
It was all so different many moons ago Prince Charles was in the full flush of youth and on his jolly holidays.
As the Mail reminds us with pictures, back in 1979 when Charles was in Perth, he was the man every woman wanted to get close to.
We once again see that famous moment when Jane Priest dashes through the surf to grab Charles.
And what’s more, we also get to see an unnamed ”admirer” giving Charles a fulsome kiss on the cheek as she tenderly touches his shoulder and dares to dream that one day she will one day be a Princess.
But that was then, and surely things have changed now that Charles is no longer a strapping, hormone-addled 30-year-old bachelor about town.
Er, maybe. And maybe not. For as Charles walks through the Australian city for the first time since the late Seventies, the Mail watches Esperance Vandarham, 62, give him a ”smothering hug”.
After that she declares with brazen candour: ”I kissed him because I love him. I don’t think Camilla will be jealous. They’re both people in love.”
Sure thing. If anyone knows how faithful Charles can be, it is his longstanding mistress.
Realising that, we look again at the shot of Esperance and the man she claims to love. And we note that the embrace is a shared one – Charles places a hand on her shoulder and smiles.
And our mind whirls. Can we dare to think that… No, it’s just too impossible… But we look again at that unnamed mystery ”admirer” of all those years past.
Could it be..?’
Best Supported Actress
‘JULIA Roberts is an actress used to playing tallish women with full lips.
Julia shows off her twins |
Indeed, it’s a role she has made her own.
But now things have changed, and the Mail is not shy to look down the actress’s top and comment: ”Hasn’t pregnancy left Julia looking swell.”
Attending the post-Oscars Governor’s Ball, the Mail fumbles in its deep trouser pockets for a tape measure and estimates that the Roberts bosom appears to have doubled in size since she gave birth to Phinnaeus and Hazel.
And Roberts, dressed in a black Dolce & Gabbana gown, seems to have noticed the attention she’s getting.
”This is the only dress brave enough to hold my breast line,” says she. ”The size of my breasts is no laughing matter.”
Indeed, it’s far more an amateur photography matter, a leering matter, a Page 3 of the Mail matter…’
A Fistful Of Oscars
‘REMEMBER back in the day when the British were coming to Hollywood?
”OK, Clint, you can put them down now…” |
Well, we came, settled down, working as nurses to the sick, as nannies to families that could afford them and as jobbing actors.
Jude Law, as the Mirror heard Chris Rock screech in is introduction to the Oscars, worked even harder as a Tom Cruise stand-in.
Even the movies hes not in, if you look at the credits he made cupcakes or something, says Rock.
Hes gay, hes straight, hes American, hes British, next year hell be playing Kareem Abdul Jabbar.
And so long as he poses in that soft dewy-eyed way he has made his own and parts his lips in the manner of a baby sparrow asleep in its nest, who are we to mind?
You go for it, Jude. Make Britain proud.
Well, so much for the British. What now for the latest group to take the beautiful people on in their own back yard the old?
News is that Clint Eastwood, poster boy for the Sanatogen generation, can be seen in the Mail using his own hair and muscles to hold aloft not one but two dumbbell-sized Oscar statuettes.
And while Clint benchpresses his Best Film and Best Director Awards for the movie Million Dollar Baby, he manages not only to smile but also to speak unaided and without a script.
Hollywood is a town that pursues youth, says 74-year-old Clint. But now were taking over. The oldies are here and you reach an age where nobody can go around telling you what to do.
No, they simply tuck in your blanket, release the brake and push you around with barely a sensible word uttered.’
Best Dressed
‘STICKING with the Oscars, we say that Clint Eastwood is right old is good. Tried and tested is the new black.
”I’d like to thank my lucky stars…” |
We talk not only of septuagenarian Oscar winners like Clint, but of the more important Oscar news of who wore what and how.
And, as the Mirror notes, it was very much a case of BACK to the 40s as the beautiful people sashayed along the red carpet in ballgowns from yesteryear.
Helpfully, the typical Mirror reader dressed in her velour tracksuit and Comfi-Bra need not struggle over which outfit is best because the paper gives each a score out of five.
And the winner is Hilary Swank, dressed in a clingy, dusky Guy Laroche creation.
Mirror woman can recreate the look in her own hovel by pulling on her old navy blue dressing gown backwards and tying the belt just below her breasts.
So, congratulations to La Swank and a raucous cheer for Kate Winslet.
The actress used her assets – British, blonde and able to talk in that way all Americans think we barely literate grunting Britons speak to maximum affect in a 40s-style Badgely Mischka dress with diamante detail.
This earns her a score of 5/5 in the Mirror. And, indeed, the night got even better for Kate our Kate as the Express gives her an award for BEST HOLLYWOOD MAKE-OVER.
Beneath a shot of Winslet our Winslet in her rather mumsy frock, the paper writes how Kate is now slimmer and sexier after two babies.
Kate may not have stuck gold on the podium, it says, but took many honours on the red carpet.
And for that, a country Kates country – should be proud…’
Monkey Business
‘OF course, the Oscars are only a B-picture to the main attraction the trial of Michael Jackson.
Bananas |
But before the film of the trial can be made, we need the actual trial. And after much deliberating, it finally got underway yesterday.
And the news is that Jackson has called upon his pet chimp, the small hairy little boy called Bubbles, to testify on his behalf.
The Star says that Jackson thinks his monkey pal can testify under oath that the singer never hurt or abused children.
Using sign-language, the singer plans to communicate with his friend with the aid of a gorilla called Koko.
Jackos lawyers will sign their questions to Koko, who speaks 1,000 words (including 999 words for banana and one for innocent). Koko will then speak to Bubbles.
Bubbles will reply to Kokos questions. Koko will translate the gibbers into sign language. And the lawyers will say that on the night in question Bubbles was in his den watching old Tarzan movies.
And eating a banana…’
Cruz Control
‘I CANT tell you how happy I am to be pregnant, says Jordan in her column in the Sun.
Twins |
But whether its nurturing a small acorn or stuffing something small and wriggly into her mouth in a Bushtucker Challenge, the game mo-del will give it a try.
So what follows her opening line is not only a page about how you can rhyme the name Cruz with Loos, how pregnancy has made her psychic and how she feels sorry for Kerry McPadding, but a passage about her pregnancy as well.
One of the good things about being pregnant, of course, says Jordan, is that my boobs are bursting out all over. Im already up to a 34EE from my normal 32EE.
While readers realise that what is normal for one person may appear freakish to everyone else, we look for more titbits on her pregnancy.
But there are slim pickings to be had, so its over to the Express, which has given over two pages to WHO WOULD HAVE BELIEVED IT? – the story of Jordan and Peter Andres embryonic DIY bust enlargement kit.
While each of Katie Prices Jordans grows to be bigger than her pop singer boyfriend in platform shoes, we wonder who was really responsible for this development.
Sure, Andre donated the acorn, but why now? And while were on that, why has Nancy DellOlio just told the Express that she too is ready to have children.
I think that now is the time, more than when I was younger, says Sven Goran Erikssons onoff-on-off-on-off-on (continue ad infinitum) lover.
Im more prepared. I am sure that I will be a good mother.
Could it be that Nancy, like Jordan, has been inspired to procreate by the latest Beckham arrival?
However, these girls should note that, according to Day-vids sister Joanne, a baby is not always good news. For starters, theres the name Cruz, which Joanne finds ridiculous.
And then there is the timing of the birth. Joanne tells us that it wasnt the right time to have Cruz.
They [Day-vid and Posh] werent getting on very well last year and a baby wasnt going to make the marriage better.
Perhaps not. But it does make the marriage look better…’
Vice Of An Angel
‘CHARLOTTE Church has yet to become one of the Beckham baby boomers, but she has been rehearsing for that moment when her star falls and her body clock sounds the alarm.
The ‘it’ couple |
And thanks to her former boyfriend, Kyle Johnson, we now know that Charlotte has been practising hard in every room of the flat she and Kyle once shared.
The Mirror reports that Charlotte and Kyle shagged every day and every night. I was only her second, says Kyle. But she knew all the tricks, all right.
And in case no-one has noticed, Kyle wants it on the record that Charlotte has the most fantastic boobs hes ever seen and her bum is better than Kylie Minogues.
And so too is her right hook, which Charlotte is said to have shown Kyle when the two accidentally bumped into each other in a restaurant yesterday.
CHURCH BRAWL, shrieks the Mirror from its front page. Angry Charlotte thumps kiss n tell ex.
CHARLOTTE PUNCHES EX, shouts the Sun on its esteemed cover. Kyle walloped for selling sex secrets.
There was a hell of a commotion and then she punched him it was a blinding right hook, says an unnamed source present in the eatery.
Well have to take the witnesss word for that. And Kyles word that he and Charlotte did it in the shower…’
Chelsy’s Blues
‘THE revolution in the Church of England will not televised.
When Camilla stripped, all eyes turned to Chelsy |
Thats the lead story in todays Express, which tells how the Queen has banned TV cameras from relaying images of her boy Charles getting married to his Camilla.
Those opposed to the marriage of the heir to the throne – and so too to the title of Defender Of The Faith – to his long-time mistress will not be able to see the deed being done.
And neither will Prince Harrys girlfriend, Chelsy Davy.
The Express (Harry wants all the world to see him with Chelsy) says that Prince Charles is agonising over whether to invite Harrys lover to the do.
But the Sun sys he need not bother fretting because the blonde has not been invited and will not be invited.
A Royal source tells the paper that Chelsy being there was never an option – there was a fear that her presence would deflect attention away from the bride and groom.
Surely the philandering Prince and his lover would be delighted to have eyes turned off them. Or, indeed, to have had someone else in the room with them when they marry.
With the general public and Chelsy uninvited, and the Queen not going, there is a real fear that the town hall could be as empty as one of Charless wedding vows…’
Den Is Dead
‘THE floor of the Queen Vic has always been a special place for Dirty Den he fathered Vicky on it for a start so it seems fitting that he should have taken his last breath there.
Michelle Ryan is ”devastated” at not getting the Widow Twanky role |
Youll ave to cart me out of ere in a box, Den sneered when the Witches of Walford cornered him in the Vic, demanding that he give the pub to Chrissie.
Chrissie, Zoe and Sam have ensured that Dens final words will be respected, however, as theyve buried him under the cellar of his beloved pub in a ridiculous story line involving Den murdered by a papier mache dog and builders turning up on time.
Chrissie persuaded Sam and Zoe to work together to oust Den from the pub and from Walford.
They hatched up a plan to humiliate Den by getting Sharon to secretly return to Walford so she could hear how Den had slept with Zoe and got her pregnant and how hed conned Sam out of the Vic.
I never wanna see you again, Sharon told him before sweeping out of the Vic. And shortly afterwards, Chrissie ensured that his Princess would never have to – by whacking him over the head with a doorstop made in the shape of a Scotty Dog.
As exits go, it wasnt the most dignified – but what does a man who gets his kicks from appearing naked to strangers on the internet expect?
Chrissie took great pleasure in telling Den that the Vic was no longer his as shed tricked him into signing some legal papers and that Sharons return to Walford was all her doing.
Den lost his temper and started to try and strangle her so Sam and Zoe waded in to save her. Zoe struck Den first with the dog, but you cant keep a bad man down and it was Chrissie who had to finish him off.
Good riddance to bad rubbish, was Chrissie reaction when she realised that shed killed her husband. Sam and Zoe were horrified by her calmness but agreed to help her hide the body, not least because Zoe is convinced that it was actually her whod killed him.
I think the cellar floor could do with some work, Chrissie smirked. Lets get the builders in.
Andy Hunter was also swiftly dispatched back to casting limbo when new (bad) boy Johnny Allen found out that Andy was planning on doing a runner with all his money.
Dont ever fink you can get one over on me, muttered Johnny to Andy after hed caught up with him and Danny Moon on a motorway bridge. I wont do it again, Johnny, pleaded Andy. Too right he wont, as Johnny shoved him off the bridge without a backward glance.
And youll keep yer mouf shut if you dont wanna go the same way, Johnny told a terrified Danny.
But both killers hadnt counted on Pat The Cat Butcher, whos turned into Cagney and Lacey (well, it looks like shes eaten both of them).
Shes hot on the trail of both Johnny and Chrissie. You aint gonna get away wif it, she told Johnny. I know you killed Andy.
She was also in The Vic when Dens mobile phone started ringing. I fort you said he was away on business, she questioned Chrissie. He doesnt go anywhere without his phone.
Somehow I dont think even Vodafone cover the depths of hell.’
Horse Play
‘IN days gone by, it used to be the job of the war artist to capture the glory, futility and sheer bloody horror of battle on canvas.
‘See, you can make him drink’ |
These days, however, every squaddie has a mobile phone equipped with a camera – which means we get to see what a soldier’s life is really all about.
And judging by recent images, our boys seem to spend most of the time when they’re not torturing their enemies…torturing their friends.
The Sun’s front page this morning has a ‘sickening’ picture of a Queen’s Guard pouring a can of Stella down the throat of a horse.
It was, the paper says, part of ‘a cruel prank’, which involved feeding the horse eight cans of the strong lager and a bottle of red wine before it went out on parade.
And it’s not just horses that suffer at the hands of members of the Household Cavalry Mounted Regiment, according to a serving soldier who claims the place is ‘like a sick game show’.
So, nice to see you, to see you, nice…to the trooper who sneaked two prostitutes into a Norwegian police station and had sex with them on the inspector’s desk.
Come on down, the cavalrymen high on cocaine while on horseback yards from the Queen in the Trooping The Colour ceremony.
And shut that door to the troopers responsible for stealing tens of thousands of pounds worth of riding equipment from stalls at shows.
But if life in the British army is already like a sick game show, then what better subject for a sick game show?
The Mirror says Channel 4 has made a show, in which volunteers endure Guantanamo Bay-style torture.
‘The seven men – three of them Muslim – were blindfolded, stripped naked and forced to endure physical abuse and extreme cold,’ the paper says.
‘They were also deprived of sleep, banned from the toilet and suffered cruel gay sexual taunts.’
The Mirror says that one ‘victim’ threw up, another wet himself and three others quit before the 48 hours was up.
The show, billed as an expose of torture, is broadcast on Monday.
‘And here’s your host, Mister Paul Ross…”
Tina Bares All
‘IF binge drinking is a growing problem among the horses of the British Army, then who is responsible?
‘Does the part demand it yet?’ |
The Star reckons it has identified the culprit and splashes a picture of her across its front page – Coronation Street’s Tina O’Brien.
The paper says celebrities, like the 21-year-old actress, are being blamed for encouraging children (and horses) to booze.
Tina, who plays Sarah Platt in the ITV soap, tells this month’s FHM that she once got so drunk on a 24-hour bender that she cannot remember anything she did.
‘I do remember going out with some of the cast from the Street and I drank all night long, all the next day and all the next evening,’ she says.
‘I fell unconscious at about 5pm. I’d been drinking for nearly 24 hours.’
Nor is it only the sickening pictures of horses chucking cans of Stella down their throats that we have Miss O’Brien to thank for.
She could also be responsible for cruel initiation rituals in which soldiers are stripped naked and photographs taken as they are physically humiliated.
The pint-sized actress tells the Sun that she would volunteer to take her clothes off and be filmed – but only of course if the part demanded it.’
Posted: 25th, February 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)
Hacked Off
‘AS we wonder whether Ann Widdecombe sports a pair of oranges, grapefruits or shrivelled prunes under her blouse, a thought occurs to us.
”Lemons – two a penny” |
How are we to tell what kind of personality a woman has if they are not gracious enough to afford us a peek at their, well, peaks?
It is a problem that greater minds than ours have wrestled with and we are glad to say that Paris Hilton has come up with an answer.
She has decided to make pictures of her breasts available to everyone with an Internet connection by having them ”stolen” from her mobile phone.
The Sun says hackers somehow managed to crack the security code on the phone and gain access to topless pictures of our favourite hotel heiress snogging MTV star Eglantina Zingg.
”I can’t believe it – it’s a terrible invasion of privacy,” Paris said. ”Eglantina and I were joking around. It wasn’t sexual.”
Having studied the pictures of Paris’s breasts closely, we can confirm that they are petite and pert and shaped like lemons.
Over to Signor Lorenzoni…
”These women are full of life and can laugh at themselves,” he says. ”They want a balanced life full of surprises.”
And what could be more surprising than Paris, who has built a whole career on the back of her sex video, accidentally leaving her mobile phone lying around…’
Knit Picking
‘AMONG the many pictures on Paris Hilton’s stolen mobile phone there are no doubt shots of the 24-year-old doing what all stars do these days – knitting.
Knitting these days has a funky feel |
The newspapers have somehow got this idea that knitting is the new rock ‘n’ roll – with today’s Express just the latest to peddle this utter nonsense.
It claims that there are ‘dozens of celebrity devotees’, although it struggles to name anyone besides Geri Halliwell, Uma Thurman and Kristin Davies.
And then it occurs to us – every recent feature on how knitting is the new celebrity craze has used exactly the same three pictures of the same three women.
If it really is so popular, surely the papers have pictures of other stars fashioning themselves a scarf or tea-cosy?
As ever, though, there are plenty of people like Emma Brown, deputy editor of Knitting magazine, who are happy to talk it up.
‘Knitting is a booming craze all over the country,’ she says. ‘More and more celebrities are getting into it and young people are setting up courses to give it a really funky feel.’
Funky feel?! That should tell you everything you want to know about people who knit…’
A Windsor Not
‘THE Queen can hardly claim distance as her excuse for not turning up to her eldest son’s wedding – Windsor Guildhall is only 184 steps from the entrance to Windsor Castle.
The Queen preferred to curl up with a good book |
And if HRH wants to break up the journey, the Sun says there are at least two pubs en route, one of which has offered the Royal party a drink on the house before the wedding.
So, it seems we must look elsewhere for the reason behind the Queen’s decision to become the first monarch in 142 years to shun one of her children’s wedding.
And the Mail suggests that the true reason is that she thinks the register office ceremony is ”vulgar” and demeaning to the monarchy.
”The announcement,” it says, ”is a major humiliation for the Prince and the strongest indication his mother could give that she does not approve of his decision to make Camilla Parker Bowles his second wife.”
The official line coming out of Buckingham Palace is that the Queen’s decision is in line with the couple’s wish for a low-key ceremony.
Along with Prince Philip, she will attend a blessing afterwards at St George’s Chapel.
Nor is the Queen the only notable absentee from Windsor Guildhall – none of Prince Charles’s siblings are planning to attend.
The Mirror says the snub is that much more astonishing because the Royal Family turned out in force for Princess Anne’s second marriage – to Cdr Tim Lawrence in 1992.
”For goodness sake,” splutters raspberry-cheeked Royal watcher James Whitaker, ”the Queen is the mother of the man who will one day be king.
”In any normal family throughout her land, you would expect the matriarch to be present at her heir’s wedding, even it is for the second time around.”
However, while all the papers fall over themselves in their rush to talk up the rift between the Queen and Prince Charles, they may be overlooking a more innocent explanation.
A quick glance at the TV schedules for April 8th, which reveals that the ceremony clashes with Kirsty’s Home Videos, explains the Queen’s reluctance to attend.
And as for Prince Andrew, well, Charles should have known that the date clashes with the monthly medal at Sunningdale…’
Holmes Replaced
‘IT may take a crane to prise Eamonn Holmes from the GMTV sofa, but if that’s what it’ll take, then that’s what it’ll take.
Eamonn has had no shortage of job offers |
For the portly host will disappear from our screens after 13 years of getting up at 4 o’clock in the morning.
However, the papers are split over whether Holmes jumped or whether he was pushed.
The Star says the 45-year-old wants to spend more time with his four children as well as concentrating on his other broadcasting projects.
”After 13 years of 4am starts, he just needs a rest,” his spokesman says.
But the Mail says the Belfast-born presenter was forced out after bosses called his bluff over his pay demands.
Holmes was apparently certain that GMTV executives would agree to a 10% pay increase from £450,000 to £495,000 when his three-year contract came up for renewal next month.
But they dug their heels in, the paper says, after realising that the show’s ratings didn’t suffer when he and co-presenter Fiona Phillips were away on holiday.
”Holmes,” it says, ”who is famously prickly, not least in relation to references to his ballooning weight, will now concentrate on BBC shows.”
Like The Return Of Mr Blobby…’
The Name’s Blob
‘EAMONN Holmes is not the only one who has put on a few pounds over the years – so has Sean Connery.
”Dr Sultan, we meet at last” |
At least, so says Dr Burton Sultan, who sounds like he should be a James Bond baddie but is actually the father of the man who lives next door to Connery in Manhattan.
He says that far from being the sexiest man alive the Scot is a ”rude, foul-mouthed, fat, old man” who plays loud music at all hours.
And, this being America, the Sun says the Sultans are suing for £15m, claiming that renovation work at the 74-year-old’s £2m apartment was making their life hell.
Dr Burton has complained of ”deafening noise, fumes, dripping water, cracked walls and an infestation of rats”.
To say nothing of a succession of exotic women traipsing through the front door, closely followed by stereotypical megalomaniacs intent on taking over the world…’
Getting Cross
‘WHY is Tom Cruise smiling out at us from the front of the papers this morning?
It wasn’t just Sofia’s bum that attracted Tom |
Is it, as the Sun claims, because he is secretly dating Latino [sic] actress Sofia Vergara?
Is it, as the Mirror seems to believe, because he is back with his Spanish ex, Penelope Cruz?
Or is it, as we at Anorak prefer to think, because someone had just told him what the Beckhams have named their child?
If it is the latter, then Tom is not alone in finding it funny that the name David and Victoria have chosen for their third son is in fact a girl’s name.
The Star says the England captain was ribbed mercilessly at training yesterday by his Read Madrid team-mates.
‘David has been hurt by people laughing at the name Cruz,’ a source says. ‘Both he and Victoria really love the name and are proud of it.
‘It may not be known as a boy’s name in Spain, but that’s not the case in Portugal and places like Brazil.’
And indeed Plymouth, for the Sun tracks down what must be the only other Cruz in the country to the Devon city.
Cruz Jones, who was named after a character in 1980s soap Santa Barbara, admitted he used to get stick for his name – but now he loves it.
‘I think it’s smart,’ he says, ‘and so do most of my mates. A lot of them wish they were called something different.’
Like Tom Cruise, perhaps. Not only does the diminutive actor get to be mates with Day-vid and Victoria, but (says the Sun) he gets to go out with the woman dubbed Miss Viagra.
The paper says the Hollywood superstar has enjoyed a string of romantic dinners with the Colombian-born Miss Vergara and is said to find her ‘enchanting’.
‘No wonder,’ says the Sun, ‘when she has a perfect bum to rival the world’s best – belonging to another Latino [sic] lovely, Jennifer Lopez.’
And there were we thinking that Charlize Theron’s bottom was now the butt of all our dreams.’
Bad Hair Gene
‘VANESSA Feltz will be a worried woman this morning as she reads the Sun’s lead story of how 31-stone Chris Leppard has been locked up…for being too fat.
”Now will you believe that I don;t have stockpiles of Barx2” |
But we can reassure the heavy-boned TV presenter that this is not a drastic new step in the Government anti-obesity programme – or at least not yet.
Twenty-three-year-old Chris was, the paper says, locked up in a mental hospital because of a rare illness that means he can’t stop eating.
It’s called the Prader-Willi syndrome, it is apparently incurable…and it will shortly no doubt be the chosen defence of every overweight person too lazy to exercise.
If obesity is in the genes, then so is bad hair – according to the Mail.
Scientists have apparently identified a gene called Barx2, which is crucial to normal hair growth.
”Those who have it will find grooming a breeze,” the paper says. ”Those who don’t will be forever handicapped in the hair department.”
The Mail goes on to say that even celebrities have been known to suffer from a bad hair day.
”Kate Beckinsale, Diana Ross, Body Shop founder Anita Roddick and Nicole Kidman,” it says, ”are among those who have been caught off guard.
”On the male side, Bob Geldof almost always looks in need of a comb.”
Happily, now we know that the problem is a lack of Barx2 not (as previously suspected) the lack of a hairbrush…’
A Cross To Bear
‘EVERYONE, they say, has their cross to bear – but most of us don’t have to carry it around quite as obviously as the Beckhams’ newest arrival.
”Well, if I can get away with wearing a skirt…” |
The couple have named their newborn son Cruz, which is of course the Spanish for cross and which also (as the papers delight in pointing out) is actually a girl’s name.
The Star claims the couple are the laughing stock of Spain and ”have let the lad in for a life of mickey-taking and bullying”.
Lola Orla, a Spanish language tutor at Oxford University, said: ”I think it’s a stupid name. They will have problems in Spain because it will be seen as a name for girls.”
Nor is his name the only cross that young Cruz will have to bear.
As he emerged from the Madrid hospital where the 7lb 2oz tot had been delivered by Caesarean section, David revealed that the poor critter ”has Victoria’s nose and lips”.
In other words, he looks like a pouting piglet.
But while it is the choice of name that attracts most derision from the press, the Mirror claims it could have been a whole lot worse.
The Beckhams did apparently consider calling the boy Jesus – but ”feared they would be thought arrogant”.
As for Cruz, theories abound as to why they chose the name.
The Sun offers possible theories – that he was named after Penelope Cruz or even Tom Cruise; that the choice of name was in honour of David’s skill at crossing a football; that it refers to the tattoo he sports on the back of his neck; or even that the child was named after a gay club in Manchester.
But David insisted that they just liked the name.
”We found it hard this time,” he said, ”but came up with a name we both loved, and stuck to it.”
Even after they found out the baby was a boy…’
Posted: 21st, February 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Read This And Yawn
‘BOOKIES were among those toasting the new arrival yesterday after not a single person managed to guess the name of the latest Beckham boy.
”Not the bloody Beckhams again” |
But that won’t stop us all speculating on what a fourth child may be called.
And we at Anorak are putting out money on…Yawn.
The Sun reports that scientists have proved that yawning is so contagious that just seeing the word can set us off.
Finnish research chief Dr Martin Schurmann tested a group by showing them a picture of stars such as Michael Schumacher yawning and scanned their brains at the same time.
He concluded that if one person yawns, there is a 60% chance that others around them will copy them.
Coincidentally, this is exactly the same percentage that will yawn at the mere mention of the name Beckham…’
A Nazi Salute
‘ACCUSING the Daily Mail of hypocrisy is rather like accusing the Beckhams of publicity seeking. It is as hurtful as it is untrue.
A Daily Mail editorial meeting |
But that it what the Express does this morning.
”How can the Daily Mail criticise Prince Harry,” it asks (in a tone of mock outrage learned from the Mail), ”when their executives dress up like Nazis?”
It may have been 13 years ago, but the paper reveals that at a 1992 farewell party for former editor Sir David English Mail executives dressed up like Adolf Hitler and his evil henchmen.
What is more, press baron Lord Rothermere (grandfather of the present owner of the Mail) was an admirer of Hitler, as well as a supporter of British fascist Sir Oswald Mosley.
The Express’s current owner, Richard Desmond, on the other hand, confines his imitations of Nazis to business hours and to the boardroom.
What do they say about it being the sincerest form of flattery?’
The Witches Of Walford
‘EASTENDERS celebrates its twentieth anniversary this week with two murders and an abortion. It seems that the good old fashioned Cockney party spirit lives on.
‘When shall we three meet again?’ |
Unless youve been in Camp X-ray for the past six months, you cant fail to know that Dirty Den is about to die for the second time.
The three Witches of E20 Sam, Zoe and Chrissie – have formed an unholy alliance and have agreed to help each other get revenge on the man whos destroyed their lives.
Zoe wants to make him suffer after he tricked her into sleeping with him and getting her pregnant a pregnancy she had the good sense to terminate.
Sam has just discovered that Den helped the Mitchell family lawyer, Marcus, swindle her out of everything she owned including The Vic.
And Chrissie well, shes married to the hideous old goat and thats reason enough.
Chrissie has managed to trick Den into signing a document that gives her legal rights over all his worldly assets – i.e. The Vic and his hideous leather jacket. So now the scene is set for the one-hour Who Murdered Dirty Den? special which producers are hoping is going to pull in more viewers than the BBC Four testcard.
Andy is set to join Den in the (mockney) gangsters paradise in the sky when he also gets murdered. New hood on the block Johnny Allen has decided that the Square aint big enough for two cardboard stereotypes, so he lures Andy into a lay-by and kills him.
Which is actually a bit of a shame as Andy has improved immeasurably over the past couple of months likening Jake Moons mental capacities to a monkey with a Rubiks cube.
More bad news in store for two other Walford residents when the Department of Work and Pensions comes knocking on the Millers door.
Stacy contacted them out of spite when Rosie Miller called her every name out of the Tourettes dictionary for almost killing her son Darren with an alcohol overdose.
Stacy had dared Darren to drink a bottle of schnapps that shed stolen from the mini mart and being fourteen and about four foot tall, he passed out and was rushed to hospital.
Rosie and Keith gave Stacy a piece of their minds of the tiny bit they have left after years of cheap booze and watching QVC.
Unluckily for Keith, the one time he actually got out of his chair in about six months was when a member of the Work and Pensions department happened to be filming him.
Youre very agile for someone with crippling back pains, he told Keith. You may not need your incapacity benefit any more, he continued with a smile.
Keith has never had a paying job and is completely removed from the real world, so its difficult to see what hes actually going to be able to do – apart from marrying into the royal family.’
A Low-Key Affair
‘BEFORE you raid your Andy & Fergie piggy bank, note that you can save yourself a small fortune with Anoraks Ye Olde Royale Conversion Kit.
Handy for the pub |
The kit contains a pouch of grey pencils, a full pack of 20 stick-on ciggies and a set of woolly wigs.
A simple peel here and a drawn line there, and quicker than you can says hes got some nerve your Princess Di mugs and bumper stickers are transformed to show your support for wife No.2, the lovely Camilla.
And dont worry about looking cheap, because the Mail says the happy couple have set the tone by deciding to marry in the Guildhall on Windsors High Street.
For those attending the do, the Express turns its front page into a guidebook, telling us the history of the venue (built in 1690 and partly designed by Sir Christopher Wren) and how to get there (take your carriage past the McDonalds, left at the Three Tuns pub and when you see the John Lewis department store, best look for a parking space).
Anyone who pays the princely sum of £285 to hire this venue for weddings can expect to see the room where the Berkshire coroner holds official inquests into deaths (oh, the irony) and the wedding toilet with its peeling paint and graffiti.
But before we congratulate Chas and Cam for keeping it real, for reaching out to the common bride and groom, the Sun tells us why the town hall was selected.
Windsor Castle had been the preferred choice, but the paper claims to have found a legal hitch, which means that if the venerable royal seat is given a licence for a civil wedding, anyone who applies can wed there for the next three years.
And since letting in the proles to the inner sanctum would never do, Windsor Town Hall it is.
But if you want to create the impression of being somewhere grander, our kit also comes with a free piece of white lace curtain hand-carved into the shape of a meringue.
Hold it before your face, narrow your eyes, look through it and be spirited away from the humdrum surrounds to a better place in a better time…’