Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Sporting Chancers
‘WE can show the world that British people can really put on the greatest show on earth.
| Liz hopes to win gold – and some platinum |
The words of Elton John, celebrity funeral singer, wig wearer extraordinaire and the British newspapers favourite gay man.
In light of the news of Charles and Camillas downsized wedding in Windsor Town Hall, Eltons words seem more based on hope than on any firm grasp of reality.
Perhaps with the singer-songwriter on the decks commanding the aged to get on their feet for a little bit of this, a little bit of that and shake your ass (clap clap clap clap), the wedding will be a big hit.
However, were surprised to learn that Eltons words are not aimed at the royal wedding at all, but, the Mirror reports, at the bid to bring the Olympic Games to London in 2012.
What better person indeed to celebrate modern day sport and record-braking athletic endeavour than a man who has taken lots and lots of drugs.
And what better way to follow Elton than with Mick Jagger, the old rocker whose dad Joe, now aged 93, officiated when the Games were last in the capital in 1948.
Im personally very proud to lend my support to the bid, says Mick. Theres a family tradition of supporting the Olympics.
Amen to that, says that other great athlete of the age, Sir Ian McKellen.
I really hope London gets its chance to throw a fantastic party for the world in the theatres, the streets, on the river, as well as in the arenas and sports fields.
While someone whispers in the actors ear that the Games are first and last a sports event – albeit with some fireworks and the occasional skydiver and have yet to embrace live theatre, the bid is given a further boost by the support of yet another of our top sports personalities.
Its Liz Hurley, naturally, and she says: It would be fantastic.
Ah, that it would, Liz. And we are all hoping that London gets the nod. So come on everyone lets back the bid. And that includes you Keith Richards, Jonny Vegas, Lisa Riley ’
Sons And Daughters
‘WHILE Mick Jagger makes like a running, hopping, jumping Jack Flash, one of his brood is doing her best to promote the cause.
| ”With my dad’s lips and your dad’s liver, we can achieve anything…” |
And that cause is Elizabeth Jagger, the gawky model whom the Mirror calls stunning.
Having bravely set out to prove that a famous dad and mum need not be a barrier to success, the game girl has been spotted snogging Calum Best.
At a do thrown by the designer Matthew Williamson, the paper hears an insider say how after eyeing up the talent, Best made his move on a tipsy Elizabeth…
Then he almost carried her to the stairs, so they could get intimate away from prying eyes.
That was very decent of footballer George Bests son the last thing either of this pair needs is to be splashed all over the papers in a clinch.
Especially Best, who has been carving out a career as something or other for some years now.
As the Mail hears him tell one girl: My dad is George Best. Hes famous for being a footballer. Im famous for s******g women.
Of course hes being modest. His dad is also famous for being difficult to live with and an alcoholic.
And Calum is famous for having been seen snogging Elizabeth Jagger at a party thrown by the designer Matthew Williamson…
As legend has it, he then almost carried her to the stairs…’
The Day The Music Died
‘SILENCE the synthesisers and with muffled drum, take off your baggy Frankie Says Relax Tshirts one by one, pull down your posters, wake up and know, George Michel says its time to go-go.
|
| Pop’s Che Guevara |
As the Mirror reports, the singer has thrown in the blue paper towel on pop music. Hes had enough of being famous. And, in any case, pop music is finished.
The genre is just dead as far as Im concerned, says George. I just thought it was very important to explain that before I disappear.
But before George turns his back on fame and walks off to a place where memberships a smiling face, he wants to tell us more about why hes off.
He says there is no excitement in competing with the likes of Robbie Williams and Will Young.
And he laments that nobody wants to hear about politics or any kind of strong ideas in pop any more.
Club Tropicana might not have been the protest song of a generation, but George did write an anti-Iraq war song, which included the seminal, thought-provoking line: Mustapha, Mazeltov, The Gaza Boys, All that holy stuff.
But all is not lost with Georges self-imposed removal from front-line pop, for over in Sun the Conservative and Labour parties are fighting for the right to say Will Young is one of theirs.
Both parties have asked the singer if he would like to sing their election campaign songs.
Says Will: Id be interested in doing this, but its hard to decide who for.
Perhaps he should go with the party whose policies he prefers. Or decide if Labour red or Tory blue goes best with his eyes…’
Fashion Victim
‘WERENT the Elle Style Awards a blast! Everyone was there. And in keeping with the fashion theme, most of them were wearing clothes.
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| ‘It was all done in the best possible taste,’ says Sarah |
We say most and not all because the Mail has spotted the arrival of Girls Aloud singer Sarah Harding.
The poor thing is seen posing before a phalanx of snappers, showing them her good side and everyone else her backside.
The buttons on her low-cut outfit had come undone at the back revealing the blondes black thong. As the Mail says, it was clearly on view.
Amazingly, this was not spotted by her aides for several minutes, giving ample time for pictures to be taken and Sarahs profile to become as high and pert as her tush.
But while Harding looks for one of Liz Hurleys old safety pins, the Mirror spots George Clooneys girlfriend, Lisa Snowdon, talking with notorious ladykiller David Walliams.
It seems the TV star made a bee-line for the Essex-born mo-del, whom he used to date.
But the Star notes that the Little Britain actor has already moved on and is now standing alongside a blonde.
DIRTY TRICKS, says the paper. David was snubbed by blonde Davinia and his ex-Lisa until the camera pointed in their direction.
Egads! Can it be that this flirting was an act? It looks pretty convincing to our innocent eyes.
Indeed, when we note the acting skills of the three main players, and recall that the Davinia in shot used to appear in the TV soap Hollyoaks, we realise that this looks too convincing to be make believe.
David Walliams must be having it off with all of them. And the half-undressed Sarah Harding…’
Pregnant Pause
‘IT is the burning question of the day. And the Express dares to ask it: Is J-Lo pregnant?
| First they got ”married” and now she’s pregnant |
It should be an easy enough question to answer, but it proves to be a tricky one for the paper, which can conclude only that La Lopez might be in the family way.
Adding grist to the rumour mill is the singers decision to pull out of appearing at the UK premiere of her new movie and the associated European publicity tour, citing doctors advice not to fly.
This means she may be pregnant. It also may mean she may have deep vein thrombosis.
It might also mean that her advisors have rightly worked out that she would garner more publicity for her new movie by triggering baby talk than she would from any amount of interviews.
Indeed, it is unlikely that an all-flying J-Lo would have made it to the cover of todays Star.
There we hear in true tabloid speak that insiders reckon the star, famed for her shapely bum, is to become a mum.
The singer, who also has a new album out – the name of which, like that of her new movie, escapes us – says: I very much wanted to be in London, but unfortunately I am not well.
Stopping just short of telling Londoners that they live in her favourite city ever! and how much she will miss them all, she says she is sick.
Which might just mean that she is pregnant or, er, sick…’
Sins Of The Flesh
‘WHISPER it quietly, but there are reasons to believe that Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles have slept together outside of wedlock.
| Sexual matters were easier when Charles was single |
It might just be that the man who will on his accession to the thrown become Supreme Governor of the Church of England has sinned.
Such a crime of the soul would not please some churchmen, who line up to tell the Express how they want an emergency discussion into the matter to be held before the meeting of the General Synod ends tomorrow.
Lay Synod member Allan Jones wants the Church to appreciate the gravity of the situation in having an adulterer at its head.
And the Rev David Phillips, director of the evangelical Church society, says: I dont believe he [Charles] should be remarrying.
The pious Express agrees that there is no way Charles should be king.
The headline in the paper owned by Richard Desmond – the man who owns the Fantasy Channel and used to own the likes of Asian Babes and Big Uns proclaims on its front page: WILLIAM WILL BE NEXT KING.
Charles is not a fit example to lead the nation, let alone the Church.
But while the paper frowns on extramarital affairs – and its male readership dreams of having it off with saucy, stripping Sunita – the Sun sees the Queen put her size nines into the debate.
If Charles thought that things could get no worse, he was wrong.
Can there really be anything more embarrassing than waking to read the Suns headline, QUEEN: NO SEX BEFORE BIG DAY, CHARLES?
Oh, the shame of being told not to have sex by your own mum! In public! At aged 56! With Camilla!
Her Majesty says tradition must prevail and Charles and Camilla must not share a bed on the night before the big day.
Whats more, she would like for Charles to have a smaller wedding party than he has planned. Shes put her foot down and insisted that she vets the guest list on a low-key reception.
Her Majesty says that Charles cannot serve guests his organic vegetables; his guests must be seated at one long table and not at many small round ones; and his aide and ex-valet Michael Fawcett cannot be in charge of all the arrangements.
Other than that, he can go for it. And if he needs any tips on the honeymoon, dad, aka Prince Philip, is happy to advise…’
Nought To Lunch
‘IF Camilla is looking for an outfit to wear on honeymoon, she could replace her jodhpurs and riding crop with a bikini.
| And don’t forget to irrigate your colon after meals |
And theres Liz Hurley, Englands rose, doing her patriotic duty and parading her own range of new two-piece bathing suits over the Mirror.
Not content with being a model, actress, film producer and single mother, Liz is now turning her well-manicured hands to fashion design.
Shes launched a range of beachwear, which she was happy to model during her holiday on the Caribbean island of St Barts.
It looks just the job. But If Camilla is unable to make up her mind as to which outfit she wants, she could always ask her future mother-in-law to help her choose.
And then theres the none-too-small matter of sizing.
We do not have the figures to hand, but going on appearance alone, we wager that Hurley is less big-boned that Camilla.
However, our favourite Royal mistress need not worry herself because Liz has some tips on how to achieve her enviable slimline look.
As the Star reports, the message is one of simple restraint. I went on a draconian diet to do the modelling for my swimwear myself, says Liz.
She explains: I eat very little breakfast, not too much more for lunch, then only little snacks in the day, like a banana or six raisins. The only meal I have is dinner.
Hurley then reveals that she goes to bed hungry – which might not be the best recipe for a thriving love life.
But if Camilla follows the Hurley eating regime she should at least recapture some of the magic of her predecessor.
All hail the new Diana…’
And Pigs Might Fly
‘IF Charles becomes King and duly assumes the role of Defender of the Faith, he could be accused to asking people to do as he says and not as he does.
| ”I was kidnapped… The bigger boys made me do it… I wanted to get in the mind of a speeding motorist…” |
In such a way he would not be unlike one David Coleman, the chief constable of Derbyshire police force, whom the Mail dubs the 97mph police chief.
The man who has called speeding drivers a menace to society and has campaigned for more and more speed cameras has been spotted moving at some pace along the M1 on a journey from London to Chesterfield.
Only it wasnt him. Really it was not. You see, Coleman was only a passenger in the car his chauffeur was driving with such reckless abandon.
The Sun reveals the driver to be one Kenneth Campbell, who, when his case came before magistrates in Hemel Hempstead, Hertfordshire, declined to show up.
Instead, this menace admitted his offence by letter and was fined £300 and awarded four penalty points.
And Coleman believes that this was right and proper.
As he tells the Sun: This was a Derbyshire Constabulary vehicle driven by a Derbyshire Constabulary driver and it should not have been exceeding the speed limit.
Quite so. But why did our knight of the road not notice the offence as he whizzed past other vehicles? Was he made speechless with fear?
I have no intention of offering any of the many lame excuses for speeding that have been offered to me by numerous members of the public over many years, says the good man and true.
So he thinks up a new one. He says he never encouraged the driver to exceed the speed limit and neither did he dissuade him.
And that at the time I had personally been on duty for 17 hours.
Which to us sounds like a pretty decent stab at a lame excuse.
But if you think you can do better than that, send us your efforts.
Well make sure they are delivered to Old Mr Anoraks chauffeur in time for his annual tour of the Peak District later this month…’
Poison Arrow
‘YESTERDAYS celebration of love has left a few of us nursing hangovers.
| Gail in a D-cup |
Theres Charlotte Church all over the Stars cover page, tears in her eyes as she chose yesterday of all days to say goodbye and good riddance to boyfriend Kyle.
Best make that ex-boyfriend Kyle because he can be seen moving his things and himself out of the home the couple had shared for a year.
The Mirror (KYLE BE SEEIN YOU) says that while any man worth his salt was clutching his beloved to his manly chest, Kyle was holding tightly onto his football, a hold-all and three unromantic carrier bags.
Meanwhile, Nicole Kidman and Steve Bing have also called it a day. The Sun says the actress called time on their relationship because Bing is so anti-marriage.
And if further proof were needed that Cupids aim is less true than Darren Day, we find it in the Star where Gail Porter is coming clean about her marriage to Dan Hipgrave.
Yesterday, the pushy, pint-sized presenter told startled reporters that she and her man had actually split up eight months ago but kept up a sham relationship.
Why they did this perhaps only their PR can say. But just back in mid-January, the paper heard Gail say: I think things are back on.
And in an interview in December, she claimed: Dan and I have fallen back in love all over again.
In her defence, she did not say who each of them had fallen in love with nor did she specify which things were back on.
But while the Star picks over the debris of broken hearts, we just pick up another tissue and weep for what might have been…and what might still be.’
Back In The Saddle
‘ITS time to shut the casket lid on the past, wheel it up the M1 and bury it on a small isolated island to the strains of Elton Johns Greatest Hits.
| Odds on it goes the distance |
Let us move on and dare to look forward to the wedding of one Charles Windsor and his beloved fiancée, Camilla Parker Bowles.
In readiness for the couples first night of matrimony, the Mail publishes Camilla Confidential, a continuation of the papers provocative series on just what links the heir to the throne and his mistress.
And in a word it is passion. We do not want to go into details, but just know how the headline to this piece runs: Red-blooded. Athletic. Sexual. No wonder Charles preferred Camilla to the neurotic and bulimic Diana.
Its clear you cannot judge a woman by appearance alone. And while men of a certain age look anew on Camillas fetlocks and withers, the Sun gets wind of another wedding.
Coronation Streets Deirdre, the siren of the soaps will marry her Ken on…April 8 the same date as Charles and Camillas big day!
Which prompts the Sun to compare the two dos. It hangs up Camillas long evening gown of a wedding outfit alongside Deirdres Dorothy Perkinss creation.
The paper appraises the Queen Mothers £500,000 engagement ring that now sits on Camillas finger and then squints at Deirdres H Samuels sparkler.
Leaving us to look forward to those honeymoon videos of Deirdre and Ken asleep in matching Peter Storm all-weather pyjamas while Charles and Camilla enact a passable impression of Lester Piggott riding his mount to victory in the 1983 Epsom Derby…’
Jukebox Jury
‘MOST of us only get to see superstars from a cheap seat at the back of a massive arena, but the jurors on the Michael Jackson case are in for a treat.
| ”Come off it, Jacko. Diana Ross! More like Ross Kemp” |
While the Sun says that Jackson is set to call two of his children, Paris and Prince Michael, to the stand, the Mirror sees the list of other stars being asked to stand up for the singer in court.
They are: Liz Taylor, Stevie Wonder, American TVs Larry King, Quincy Jones, basketball star Kobe Bryant, David Blane, Uri Geller and Barry Gibb.
There is also the possibility of seeing our own celebrity news reporter Martin Bashir being sworn in, the man whose profile of Jacksons life sparked off the investigation.
Whether they are called has yet to be confirmed but, if they do speak in Jacksons defence, they will surely be taking a risk in being associated with a man accused of such low acts.
But no-one will be in more peril than one other potential witness: Diana Ross.
She looks so much like Jackson that in the showbiz scrum she may find herself in the dock by mistake.
She should tread carefully…’
His Kingdom For A Horse
‘WHAT did you give the love of your life on this Valentines Day?
| ”And then she went into the tunnel…” |
A voucher for a face lift? Divorce papers? The usual line about working late at the office?
What about a horse? Thats what the Star says the crown prince of love, Charles Windsor, has given his bride-to-be.
Given many peoples cynical take on the whole Valentines experience, Camilla may well have baulked at the gift and asked herself why her lover should think a horse an ideal present.
But this is no old nag, rather a £10,000 pony stallion. Its a fitting gift indeed for Camilla, the woman, who the Mail says, Charles still wants for his Queen.
But before Camilla does a passable impression of Lady Godiva or that other regal hippophile Catherine the Great, the Express brings her some sobering news via its front page.
In a message to becalm Camilla and Charless fluttering hearts, the paper screams: CAMILLA: SHE MUST NEVER BE QUEEN.
Ooer, this sounds serious. And immediately we worry that the paper has unearthed some hideous secret about the love of Charless blameless life.
If it has, the exhumed secrets name is Diana – because the news is that the public would never accept the woman who betrayed our departed Queen of Hearts.
Indeed, inside the paper we get to read Why I would not have approved Dis take on the engagement.
Diana would be spinning in her grave, says the paper. Gyles Brandreth, billed as a royal biographer, invokes a yet more powerful image and says that Di would be revolving like a Dervish on benzedrine.
While we who remember the Princess wonder if Brandreth meant to say revolving WITH a Dervish, the expert recalls Dianas words of old.
On one occasion, says he, she said, Marry her? Over my dead body. On another, Oh, what the hell, let him marry her. Why not? Im past caring.
And the people also heard Diana, with 94% of those who responded to the papers phone vote poser (Should Camilla ever be Queen?) doing so to the negative.
But this is Valentines Day, the annual celebration of love. So come on, Camilla, if you want to be Queen, you can even if it is for just one day…’
Love Is The Drug
‘LOVE is very much in the air, and we read in the Mirror that Kate Moss and popstar Pete Doherty are to marry.
| Roses and red, violets are blue, kick out the crack, the smack and the glue |
All that we and other die-hard romantics can say to that announcement is: YES! If ever a couple were suited to wedded life, it is surely Kate and Pete.
We want the wedding as soon as possible, says Pete. (And so too do we.) We love each other.
But in the moment of celebration, like a stuck champagne cork, we are stopped in our tracks. For there on the Suns cover page is the headline: KATES DUMPED ME…IM GUTTED.
It seems that the wedding could not come quickly enough, and now junkie Pete has been, in his own words, torn apart by Kates decision to leave him.
I cant believe Kate has done this to me, says Pete, who is currently battling drug addiction in rehab.
The only reason Im trying to get clean is because I love her so much.
Pals now fear that he will return to drugs – while his management must fear a more rapid return to obscurity…’
Life Of Ryan
‘MICHELLE: Why I quit square, says the Suns headline to an exclusive story.
| Hollywood or bust |
So, as is the way with such exclusives, we turn to the Mirrors front-page advertised SHOWBIZ EXCLUSIVE, and read: EastEnders Zoe: Im in love for the first time.
Over two breathless pages, we hear that actress Michelle Ryan is desperately in love with footballer Tommy Williams, her first boyfriend.
And since you were wondering, Michelle wants us to know that she never had a boyfriend when she as at school.
I was shy and really into school work and my drama, says she.
But then along came Wealdstone FCs Tommy, the dynamo who would pick Michelle out of her shell and shower her in glamour.
And glamour is what she wants, because, the Sun says, Michelle is moving on – international fame beckons in her role as the next Keira Knightly.
Not so long ago, Michelle was Britains answer to Liv Tyler. And we who have seen her acting believe her to be the female answer to Ben Affleck.
Indeed, if things continue as they are, 20-year-old Michelle will have been all the stars by the time shes 21.
At which point, she can tell us in an exclusive why she is returning to EastEnders as the next Dirty Den ’
A Nation Rejoices
”’QUEEN IN ALL BUT NAME” announces the Mirror, next to a picture of Prince Charles in a dress, thereby finally utilising a headline that editors have been waiting for years to use.
| Next in line to the throne |
They were initially prevented from doing so by official spoilsports who insisted on scotching rumours that the heir to the throne was gay; but now they are able to bring the words into service after all.
For the dress that Charles wears is a kilt, and the queen in question is the woman of a certain age who stands proudly by his side.
And the happy occasion is of course the announcement that after 34 years of sinful dalliance, the Prince of Wales is to make an honest woman of Camilla Parker Bowles.
Reaction is mixed. The natural obsequiousness of the Mail and Express is tempered by the moralistic posturing of their columnists.
”Don’t expect me to celebrate,” says the Mail’s Amanda Platell, thus dashing at a stroke the hopes of millions of homeowners who had been counting on her to show support for the prince, thus creating a feel-good factor and sending house prices soaring.
On a similarly sour note, the paper also reveals that the wedding service will include a part in which the couple repent for all their sins.
In keeping with the self-flagellation of our secular age, they will confess three times during ”penitence prayers” as a punishment for causing the breakdown of their previous unions.
The Sun and Mirror both treat the imminent nuptials as a showbiz story, with much focus on the engagement ring – or ”bling” as they would have it.
So it falls once more to the Star to put things in perspective and give it to us straight.
Alone among the tabloids, they choose to devote most of their front page to other matters (”Billie’s night on coke with Gazza”, ”Denise gets ’em Outen for Walliams”, etc).
In fact, they devote a mere fifth of the page to the royal couple, with the headline: ”BORING OLD GITS TO WED”.
And that’s a toast to which Anorak is happy to raise its 900-year-old celebratory goblet.’
Sofa, So Good
”’6,000 IN IKEA CHAVAVANCHE” shouts the Star, which reports on the extraordinary goings-on in Edmonton, north London.
| ”This is better than the Courts brawl” |
For reasons best known to itself, the Swedish furniture giant (that’s Ikea by the way, not a mythical Norse monster) decided to open its new store at midnight, and offer hundreds of items at knock-down prices.
Some punters then took the knock-down part literally, and instigated scenes described by the papers as a ”battle” (Sun), ”stampede” (Express, Mirror), and ”invasion” (Mail – possibly in the hope of triggering subliminal associations with asylum-seekers).
The general tone is of disapproval, but there’s no reason to suppose that the majority of customers didn’t enjoy themselves.
It appears, for instance, that small children were passed over people’s shoulders to avoid the crush, in the style of old-fashioned football crowds.
And once you have taken the kiddie factor away, even the most politically correct killjoys can hardly complain if a few thousand adults want to enjoy a bit of argy-bargy in their spare time.
Perhaps one or two took it a bit far, but that’s hardly a reason to dismiss the whole idea of mass brawls as entertainment.
We at Anorak are more concerned by the millions of people who spend their Sundays trudging around the store like zombies without even thinking of rioting.
To quote the late Philip Larkin, why aren’t they screaming?’
Same Old Thong
‘THE first thing the tabloids were taught when they were young was never to go out without knickers.
| ”Now do it this time with meaning!” |
And it’s a lesson they learnt well. Check carefully and you will find that they are always careful to carry at least one underwear story every day.
Sexy is best, of course, but if you can’t manage that, then you can always make do with comical, or, if the worst comes to the worst, downright disgusting.
The Sun covers all three bases today, with the story of the ”DIRTY DOCTOR’S GHASTLY PANTS”.
It might not be quite as good as GHASTLY DOCTOR’S DIRTY PANTS, but it’s got legs – literally.
The story involves a woman who claims to have been the sex partner of Dr Christopher Gillen, who denies professional misconduct.
But from the Sun’s version of events, the anonymous woman appears to be more concerned by the fact that the good doctor’s Aertex underpants had long legs and were full of holes.
Elsewhere in the paper, there’s another story focusing on the negative side of nether garments: ”TOM: I SAY KNICKERS TO PANTY-CHUCKERS”.
Yes, that’s right, Tom Jones has finally had enough of being buried alive every night under a pile of tacky thongs.
But why? Have the health and safety people warned him of the dangers of inflammable fabrics under hot stage lights? Has The People’s Friend magazine campaigned to persuade its octogenarian readers to desist from pelting old Tom with their lace-trimmed incontinence pants?
No – it appears to be something even more depressing. Jones feels that the gesture has ”lost all its meaning”.
If this is true – and we’ve no reason to doubt the word of an expert – then this modest snippet could turn out to be the most significant media story of modern times.
Once faith is lost, there’s no regaining it. Could this be the end of tabloid journalism as we know it?’
Gangsta Rap
‘IN their infinite wisdom, EastEnders producers have decided that whats needed to save their failing soap isnt better storylines or humour, but yet more two-dimensional gangsters-by-numbers characters.
| ”Aren’t you DI Beech?” |
As if the new Moon brothers werent bad enough, were now expected to welcome walking stereotype Johnny Allen into Walford.
Es trouble, muttered Pauline to Alfie in The Vic, I know im from way back, she continued probably referring to when she used to watch The Bill in the 1980s.
It transpires that Johnny is also an old sparring partner of Fat Pat. Ive put all that behind me now, Pat whispered to him. I dont do that any more. The mind boggles.
Johnny has bought Angies Den and No.41 Albert Square. He wasnt overly surprised to discover that the Moon family had been squatting in Pats old house and even told them that they could stay for the sake of mad old Nana Moon who, like a flea-infested parrot, can only gibber the same Oh Alfie! line of dialogue in every episode.
More Groundhog Day madness down Walford way with Billy and Little Mo getting together and splitting up again and again. And theres another Slater girl up the duff after being abused by a dirty old pervert. Zoe really does take after her mother.
When Sam Butcher ordering the wrong sort of fish for the chip shop is made into a major storyline, you know a soaps still in serious trouble.
Chrissie took pity on Sam when Ian sacked her over the great fish debacle and gave her a job in The Vic. Its the least we could do after the way you shafted her, Chrissie hissed to Den. Is there no end to the mans depravity?
Chrissie is determined to get her revenge on her errant husband after discovering that not only is he the father of Zoes unborn child but hes set up a secret bank account to pay her money and he lied about putting the deeds to The Vic in her name.
Chrissie is playing her cards close to her chest, though, and has even suggested to Den that they renew their marriage vows on Valentines Day. If you must, sighed Den, which is being romantic for him.
Much is being made of Dirty Dens imminent demise next week in a vain hope to drum up something resembling interest. But even this storyline is just a rehash of one before when he got shot.
Perhaps people would be more enthusiastic if they could guarantee that this time he really is going to stay dead.’
Brit Split?
‘GIVEN that Britney Spears’ first marriage only lasted some 55 hours, in percentage terms her second attempt at holy matrimony must be considered a fantastic success.
| ”Oh, look! I caught my own bouquet” |
It has been a full five months since the pop princess most recently said ”I do” – a 6,000% improvement on her short-lived nuptials to Jason Alexander.
But it is touch and go whether she and her pet gerbil, Kevin Federline, will make their half-year anniversary after he was seen out on the town without his wedding ring.
The Star says Brit blew her top after she ended up footing the $10,000 bill for a weekend Kevin took in Las Vegas with his mates.
Since then the 26-year-old dancer has been spotted out and about again with his mates…but without his ring or his wife.
And pals think the marriage might be going the way of all Britney’s previous marriages.
”Kevin has suddenly started partying like a single guy,” a source told US magazine In Touch. ”As well as going out with no wedding band, he’s been hanging out with his old posse.”
If the marriage does break up, it will be a shame – not least because it means that Britney will have to throw out her favourite ”Mrs Federline” T-shirt.
But we at Anorak have high hopes that the couple will stay together.
And if they are going through a bad patch, Britney should talk to other singers who married their dancers – Jennifer Lopez (still living happily with Chris Judd), Mel B (or Mrs Jimmy Gulzar, as she prefers to be known)…’
Stone The Crows!
‘FROM Brit to the Brits and last night was the British music industrys annual turn to pat itself on the back and tell us all what a good job it is doing.
| Best Urban Act 2006 |
And what better way than with an award ceremony that was the perfect reflection of the music scene at the moment bland, insipid and with about as much edge as Chris Moyless belly?
The fact that Joss Stone won Best Urban Act says it all.
As the Mirror points out, shes about as urban as a Friesian cow.
She lives in the English countryside and makes her records in America, it says. How did she even qualify?
She qualified because her parents once took her on a day out to Manchester…and because shes got blonde hair, great knockers and looks good in a strapless dress.
If you ever doubted that looks were more important than vocal ability in the music business, then try to name a single successful female singer who looks anything other than great.
Before you can say Michelle McManus, were off to the Express which doesnt even make a pretence that the Brits are about anything other than fashion.
It puts a picture of Denise Van Outen seemingly on her way to a toga party on its front page, while the Star focuses its leery gaze on Cheryl Tweedys cleavage.
They werent the only pair of tits on show last night, however Little Britains Matt Lucas and David Walliams presented the best Brits song to Robbie Williams.’
Poll Dancer
‘TO the many reasons not to vote Tory at the next election we were this week able to add Michael Howard’s dancing.
| Best Urban Act 2007 |
For those of you who didn’t see the pictures of the Tory leader in action, this morning’s Sun kindly reprints the most incriminating ones.
And it even provides a guide to his ”batty bop”, which it says ”threatens to unseat David Brent’s dance in TV’s The Office as one of the most embarrassing jigs in history”.
However, if you need a reminder of other reasons not to vote Tory, then who better to ask than the Tory party itself?
The Mirror has got its hands on a party training manual designed to help candidates handle possible criticisms from voters.
They include ”You are all anti-women – I can’t stand that”; ”Conservatives don’t care about public services”; ”Thatcher destroyed the economy” and ”Conservatives can’t win”.
Oh, and ”My dad dances better than that Malcolm Howard”.’
Peter Out
‘DRUGS addle the mind and they certainly seem to have had a damaging effect on the red-tops this morning.
| A typical cellmate at Pentonville |
Every one of them leads with the same exclusive story about junkie rocker Pete Doherty, sometime boyfriend of Kate Moss.
The Sun does at least appear to have spoken to the man himself as he walked out of Pentonville prison vowing to quit drugs for the sake of his supermodel lover.
I thought I was going to die, said the ex-Libertines singer. The thought of Kate on the outside kept me going. I have to sort my life out.
He then goes on to tell the paper how one moment he was waiting for the supermodel to join him in a Jacuzzi, the next he was in a jail cell that stank of vomit.
We shall see what happens next, but that sounds to us like a better reason to kick heroin and crack for love than any 12-step rehab programme.
The Mirror has the same message, albeit transmitted via friend James Allen, who said that Kate had made it clear if he doesnt go through rehab his chances are over.
However, unnamed pals tell the Star that theyre worried Pete will still turn up at tonights Brit awards and cause havoc.
Hes been hearing voices and hallucinating, so hes not exactly thinking straight, one said.
Nor is he the only one, judging by the exclusive stories in this mornings newspapers…’
Undress For Success
‘AS if Pete Doherty preferring rehab to the Brits was not bad enough, we now hear that Kelly Brook is threatening to pull out of the BAFTAS.
| ”And the winner is…” |
The Star reports that the 25-year-old actress has been banned by boyfriend Billy Zane from wearing a specially made £15,000 gold sequinned Matthew Williamson creation.
A source tells the paper: ”Billy wasn’t impressed when he heard about it. He doesn’t want other men ogling his beloved.
”He likes her to look classy rather than tarty, which is exactly what he thought the dress was.”
Now, says the paper, Kelly is thinking of not attending the ceremony because she doesn’t have enough time to get a new dress made.
This is a shame because Kelly was slated to win awards in at least three categories – Best Performance By A Former Underwear Model, Least Dressed Performance At A Film Premiere (for Snatch in 2000) and a Lifetime Achievement Award for her regular semi-naked appearances in FHM, Maxim and the like.’
Tit For Tat
‘KERRY McPadding’s name was of course taken off the guest list for the Brits amid fears that she would cause a scene with husband Brian and his new lover Delta Goodrem.
| ”They said they couldn’t even get my initials on” |
Now it seems that the ex-Westlife porker is getting her name removed…from his back.
The Star reports that he is hitting back in the tit-for-tat battle with his wife by getting a tattoo of her name taken off and replaced with the word HINGE.
As Anorak reported yesterday, Kerry has already consulted tattooists to get a Pooh Bear removed from her bottom.
But why HINGE?
The Star says the ”bizarre” change is in honour of his marriage guidance counsellor, who he reckons is the spitting image of one half of the telly duo Hinge and Bracket.
Because she did such a good job, didn’t she?’
Heir On A Shoestring
‘IF the odds against winning the lottery are about 14,000,000-1, then the odds against winning the lottery every year must contain more noughts than Prince Harry’s A-level marks.
| Paris wants to be occupied by a Nazi |
But that is the equivalent of what Prince Charles does – according to one of the MPs investigating the £11.9m profit his Duchy of Cornwall estate made last year.
”That is an incomprehensible sum to my constituents,” Alan Williams, Labour MP for Swansea West, complained.
It was, he said, the equivalent of the take-home pay of 450 people – appropriate, as that is about the number of servants on Prince Charles’s payroll.
Other MPs on the Commons Public Accounts Committee accused Royal accountants of ”jiggery pokery” and ”fiddling” after revelations that the Duchy’s profits had risen by 300% over the past decade.
The Mail explains that the Duchy is exempt from corporation tax and capital gains, although the Prince does voluntarily pay income tax at 40%.
However, if MPs act to close down the tax loophole, Charles need not look far for the means to keep his toothbrush loaded with toothpaste in his old age.
For the Star says son Harry has been invited to be the date of everyone’s favourite hotel heiress Paris Hilton at her 24th birthday bash.
”Paris has always dreamed of becoming a princess,” an insider says, ”and like many other girls always had a huge crush on Prince William.
”But lately she’s decided that Harry is the one for her. He’s wild, cheeky and got such a glint in his eye. Plus he loves to party.
”She wrote him personally and offered to fly him to the bash, but he said he’d have to check with his dad and she hasn’t heard back.”
Poor Paris! The Star says she’s becoming resigned to the fact that her prince won’t be there – and is having to audition other potential co-stars for her birthday video.
But they won’t be a patch on her swastika-wearing prince – if history teaches us anything it’s that a man wearing a Nazi uniform can always take Paris without a struggle…’
