Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Wiping Pooh
‘THE penny-pinching politicians probing the Royal finances should know that Prince Charles’s bottom doesn’t wipe itself.
| A bear bum |
In fact, it takes a lot of money and manpower to keep the regal seat spick, span and the credit to this ancient nation that it is.
If only Kerry McPadding had followed Charles’s example, she would not have ended up with Pooh on her bum.
And nor would she have had to pay a visit to a tattooist to try to get it removed.
The Sun reports that the one-time Queen of the Jungle went to get the tattoo of Winnie The Pooh (her nickname for the former Westlife star) removed from her right buttock.
The offending design is of the bear with very little brain above the word Bryan (since crossed out and replaced with Brian).
As she left the tattoo parlour in her hometown of Warrington, the Star says she slapped her bum and shouted: ”Goodbye, Brian.”
From that, we assume that the picture of Pooh remains – he’s just now a bear with very little Brian.’
Babs To The Future
‘IF Kerry McPadding is still wondering why her Brian dumped her in favour of the antipodean charms of Delta Goodrem, she gets her answer this morning.
| ”Brian! What are you doing here?” |
For the Express confirms what the former Westlife singer had long suspected – that his lettuce-shaking wife is turning into Barbara Windsor.
In fact, the paper warns that in 30 years’ time, Kerry will look exactly like the Carry On star.
”Every era,” it says, ”needs its bubbly blonde who doesn’t have much luck with men, and it’s not just in that respect that Kerry has proved to be the perfect successor to Barbara Windsor.”
Ironically, by 2035 Babs will have had so much cosmetic surgery that she will look like Kerry does now – and so the celebrity wheel will continue to turn.
Looking like Barbara Windsor, however, may not be such a bad thing…if Barbara Windsor is to be believed.
The 67-year-old claims that every single one of her male co-stars during her 50-year acting career has fallen for her charms.
”I don’t think I have had a leading man who hasn’t had the hots for me,” she tells the Sun. ”But you just deal with it.”
If there is good news on that front for the likes of Christian Slater, who is turning into the priapic Jack Nicholson, life will not be so kind to others.
Victoria Beckham, for instance, is metamorphosing into Lorraine Chase, while the Express claims her husband David will end up looking like Albert Steptoe.
Mick Hucknall will become Ken Dodd, Robbie Williams Norman Wisdom and Caprice will be the spitting image of the Bride of Wildenstein.
But an even grimmer fate awaits Britney Spears – in 30 years’ time, she will look like an older version…of herself.’
For Pete’s Sake
‘KATE Moss cannot see 30 years into the future – if she did she would see the face of Marianne Faithfull staring back at her.
| Pete begs for one more chance |
But who would she see by her side? Who would be bringing her a cup of tea in the morning and fetching her ashtray in the evening?
Not Pete Doherty, we suspect. Not only is the singer likely to be worm food by then, but even if he isn’t his supermodel lover won’t still be around.
The Star claims Moss can’t even wait for her junkie boyfriend to get out of Pentonville prison, where he has spent the weekend amid accusations of robbery and blackmail.
A source tells the paper that the short-lived relationship could be at an end.
”Kate tried to let him down gently for fear of what he might do to himself,” he said. ”But she’s now had enough.”
Presumably, however, this is not the same source who tells the Mirror that the model will contribute to the £150,000 bail money to get him out of prison.
”Kate is despairing of Pete and doesn’t know if she can stand much more,” this friend says. ”But the bottom line is she loves him and wants to help Pete beat drugs.”’
Slowly Does It
‘IF it’s taking Kate Moss a long time to work out that Pete Doherty is not great boyfriend material, then she’s just acting in common with the rest of her sex.
| It took Kate a while to work out why everyone was staring at her |
For scientists claim to have found proof that men think faster than women – and are therefore more intelligent.
According to the Mail, messages are transmitted 4% faster between the cells in men’s brains than they are in women’s.
”This very significant sex difference in all test conditions was most unexpected,” says the report by a team of Canadian scientists.
However, Cambridge University’s psychology professor Simon Baron-Cohen said there was no obvious correlation between speed of thought and intelligence.
”There is evidence that one gender’s brain is different from the other’s,” he said, ”with tests showing women do better on verbal skills while men fare better on spatial tests.”
So, while Kate tries to figure out the words to tell her lover it’s all over, Pete is getting used to what a six by four prison cell looks like…’
Zoes Birthday Surprise
‘ZOE celebrated her 21st birthday with the news that every female chav longs to get shes going to be a single mum. Im young, Im single and I aint pregnant by you, she taunted Dirty Den in The Vic. You tried to destroy me but you failed.
| ”Bloody Viagra!” |
Unfortunately for Zoe, she spoke too soon as the very next day she threw up at the sight of Big Mos cooking. Admittedly that in itself isnt a cause for concern but Zoe thought she should do a pregnancy test just in case. When Little Mo found her in the bathroom clutching a positive test and crying, Zoe had to think quickly and claimed that she was worried that shed had a miscarriage.
Zoe broke the news to Den that she really was pregnant, which means hes now scored a hat trick of illegitimate children. Den didnt take the news terribly well, growling at her to get rid of it. But its nothing to Chrissies reaction tabloid gossip has it that she kills him and buries him under the Vic. In the meantime, Chrissie is biding her time and sweetly telling Den how kind it is of him to take such an interest in his unborn grand child.
Little Mo and Billy have also discovered the problems that illegitimate kids can bring theyve split up (for the millionth time) over Freddie, the rapists baby. Weve been over this time and again, Billy told Charlie echoing the thoughts of six million viewers, theres nothing more to say. Heres hoping Billy keeps to his word – but somehow, its unlikely.
More parental heartache this week when Patrick had to bury his son, Paul. Anthony took a break from the set of Casualty next door and popped along for the funeral and to try and comfort his father. Patrick is determined to bring Pauls killers to justice but Anthonys worried. It wont bring him back, Anthony told him demonstrating a fine grasp of medical knowledge.
Patrick is convinced that Andy is to blame and this was backed up by his conversation with Sam, who told him that her ex husband and Paul were dealing drugs together. Patrick has now gone all Death Wish and is determined to take out all the dealers, pushers and pimps in Walford. Heres hoping hell also include all the criminal actors while hes at it.
On a happier if repellent note, Ian Beale has finally got himself a new girlfriend. Jane has finally succumbed to his charms and poor Pauline got the shock of her life when she walked into Ians flat and found the pair in bed together there hasnt been that much hideous white crumbling flesh on TV since Celebrity Big Brother.’
Sleep Over
‘IF only David Beckham had been quicker off the mark.
| ”He says he’s naked in front of 100,000 people” |
If only his agents, advisors and hangers-on had thought that little bit harder.
Had they done so, we might have heard that Dave had not, as it is alleged, sent sexually suggestive text messages to pig-tosser Rebecca Loos.
Instead wed have been told by sources and insiders that if Day-vid had sent any texts he had done so in his sleep…in the manner of one Richard Griffiths.
The Sun says that the 23-year-old sent a series of text messages over his mobile phone while he slept. He is the SLEEP TXTER.
I text so much, its second nature, says Griffiths. But I was still freaked out.
Richard first sent a sleep-text to his mother at 2am over a year ago. Thankfully for the young lad, he was not dreaming about Becks and the message was more nonsense than X-rated.
Later he sent another message to his friend Ashley Jones. It ran: Help, Im in trouble. Someones chasing me.
He also sent a message to two of his young relatives which said: Baloo, have you seen Bagheera?
This is an odd thing to do. Although we are relieved that when talking to impressionable young minds he made no mention of Porky the Pig and Golden Balls…’
Roaring Forties
‘IF you are over 40, chances are youre reading this on the treadmill at your local gym or over your young lovers shoulder.
| Carole also buys man bras |
That is at least the impression readers of the Expresss story (So Naughty At Forty) might take away with them as they learn of new study which says fortysomethings are having the time of their lives.
This might also be termed a final hurrah before the eyesight begins to fade, the back aches that little bit more and you wake up one morning to fully understand what an endowment policy actually is and worry that you dont have one.
But facts are facts and who are we to argue with a survey carried out by a TV channel called FX 289, which asked 1,000 men and women over 40 about themselves?
It found that six in ten went to the gym and four in ten enjoyed sex on a regular basis.
What proportion of those who keep fit also like horizontal jogging is not reported, and surely another intensive study in called for.
But while we wait for that, the paper begins to look at which 40-year-olds wed all like to be or be with.
The Star goes as far as producing two lists – one for women, another for men – and lists the Top 10 over-40s in each gender.
Suffice to say that the top man is George Clooney (43) and the top women is Sandra Bullock 40), with the likes of Brad Pitt (41), Gary Lineker (44) and Heather Locklear (43) all getting a mention.
But the Mail goes further and wonders about the ideal fortysomething couple.
And they come up with the Cherie Blairs health guru and Y-front chooser Carole Caplin (42) and the man who strives to be catty and macho all at once, Simon Cowell.
For the news is that Cowell has employed Caplin to help him shed some weight after he saw himself on TV.
I took a look at myself on telly one day and thought I just look too damn fat, so I went about doing something about it. I just cut right back, dont eat puddings now and just generally do more exercise.
What kind of exercise we who saw that earlier survey can only imagine in our darker moments. But at least, with Carole on board, his underwear will be clean and fashionable…’
Ship Mates
‘WE Brits have long been proud of our stunnas, and today we get to feel prouder still as we read about how our brave babes are waving the flag.
| Ship shape and Bristols fashion |
It gives us no little pleasure – and the young bucks aboard Her Majestys frigates no small sense of relief to relay the Suns news that the Royal Navy has rescinded its ban on Page 3.
The ban has been lifted and from now on sailors will be allowed to stick pictures of Page 3 girls in their quarters.
And Danni, 18, is so delighted that shes puts on a sailors hat, pulled on some navy blue regulation knickers and removed all her other clothes.
It was a ludicrous ban and its great the Navy has changed its mind, says she.
Her shipmate Kelly, also aged 18 and wearing the same outfit, agrees. I am glad this madness has finally ended, says the able seawoman.
But while the girls are piped aboard to offer some distraction to lonely sailors tossing and turning on the high seas, the Sun spots Jordan doing her bit for Great Britain.
The glamour mo-del is one of six hopefuls vying to win our vote to sing the countrys official entry at the next Eurovision Song Contest.
I would love to fly the flag for Britain and win the Eurovision Song Contest, says Jordan. So come on Sun readers vote for me.
Can there be anyone better than Katie Price and her fronting singers, The Jordans, to restore a sense of pride in this nation?
We think not. So vote now and vote often. Your country needs you…’
The Man In The Mirror
‘COME with us now as we journey into the future. Your future.
| Diana Ross and Charles Manson |
Mirror, mirror on the wall, who will have wrinkles…and who will be bald? says the Suns headline used to illustrate a story on the new magic mirror which will predict how you will look in the future.
The mirrors not quite ready for use yet, but scientists in Nice, France, are working hard to perfect their LCD TV mirror which works out what you will look like tomorrow from information supplied on your lifestyle today.
To give us an idea of how it will function, the paper has mocked up some pictures of what some of our best celebrities will see staring back at them in a few years time.
Reassuringly, Pete Doherty, the singer whos chiefly famous for dating Kate Moss and taking drugs, will still look like death.
Anne Robinson will look like a seven-year-old boy as she employs surgeons to turn the clock back.
And theres Michael Jackson, who could look like a cross between Charles Manson, Peter Pan and Helena Bonham Carter. Or Diana Ross.
And we say could because the Star has some shocking news.
It ignores that other shocking stuff, as reported in the Mirror, in which tapes of Jacksons first accuser, a young Jordy Chandler, in conversation with a psychiatrist were broadcast over American TV.
In these tapes, recorded a decade ago when Chandler was aged 13, we hear the boy claim that Jackson groped him as they slept together, kissed him on the lips and said their secret was locked in a little box that only they could open.
Instead, the Star just hears from former Jackson aide Stuart Backerman, who claims that the entertainer will TOP HIMSELF IF HES SENT DOWN.
He used to always say to me: Give me good news. That was his thing he wanted to hear good news. Its hard for Michael to hear things which are anti-Michael.
And the conclusion he makes is: If he was convicted, I dont think he would make it.
Thats grim news for Jackson and his fans who can perhaps look forward to seeing their star looking less like one of his old selves in time to come and more like a pale corpse.
Or Pete Doherty…’
A Bit Andy
‘BURGLARS coming to terms with the realisation that they can be legally killed as they work are offered some tempting news in the Mirror.
| Andy had run out of rolling pins |
A survey by the Post Office claims that as a nation we have £800m secreted in and around our homes.
Thats a lot of temptation for housebreakers, and it gets more so when the paper tells us that the money can most often be found in wallets, purses, drawers, coffee jars and under mattresses.
As the Post Offices Derek Rocholl tells the Mirror: Keeping large sums of cash at home to pay for bills or plan for Christmas…poses a security risk.
But while householders dangle carrots in front of burglars faces, the Sun employs former SAS war hero Andy McNab to give everyone a big stick and then teach them how to use it.
In McNAB A BURGLAR, the soldier-turned-writer wades in with some shocking tips designed to injure and subdue an intruder.
His tips include: surprising your unwanted visitor by hitting them on the head with a rolling pin or mobile phone; grabbing hold of a bottle around the middle and charging at your enemy (aim for the face or the elbows); use an open palm when smashing your opponent in the throat; put your foot on his chest or neck; and if you must give chase go for the classic rugby tackle.
If this is not enough and you want more, the Sun reproduces a variety of illustrations – six stills to cut out and keep in an easy-to-reach place for when the villain comes calling.
Theres even a handy sticker to scare off the nasties it shows the silhouetted image of a man wielding a cricket bat as he chases another man whos carrying a bag of loot.
You can order your sticker from the Suns offices.
Then you should probably display it in your front window to tell would-be burglars that you know your rights and that youre not afraid to use them thanks to Andys guidance.
And then buy a cricket bat from a good sports shop…’
Site For Sore Eyes
‘PRINCESS Diana might have retired from public life, but her name lives on in the form of the famed Circle of Tears.
| Watch as the little blue brick journeys through Diana’s life |
Those who have seen the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain in Londons Hyde Park – and lived to tell the tale – have been uniformly impressed by its majesty.
But even this watery celebration of Her life can be improved upon and so it came to pass that workmen arrived yesterday to make improvements.
The Mirror was there to see men in hard hats and broken hearts arrive to equip the landmark with a new drainage system to wash away the tears of her many fans.
There is also to be tougher turf and a new path along which the 5,000 visitors a day that come to see the worlds most famous gutter can wander along as they contemplate what Di would have looked like in this seasons fashions.
As Royal Parks spokesman Theo Moore wisely says: When work is finished it will be a special place of relaxation and remembrance for years to come.
And an open-air urinal for the more adventurous…’
C.O.D. Rowe
‘THE search to find the real Michael Jackson goes on today, as the Mail spots the singer in a frying pan.
| Jackie and Old Mr Anorak in happier times |
We had only had the pan for about a year, says Juan Pastrano, a gravel pit worker from Texas.
We just cook eggs and things in it, but it was only when it was hanging up with the others that we saw the face.
Oddly, however, Mr Pastrano thinks this face scratched into the pans Teflon coating resembles that of Jesus Christ.
But we suspect otherwise and instead see the ghoulish visage of the beleaguered Jackson.
However, no sooner has he been spotted than he is gone – out of the frying pan and perhaps into something of a fiery rage as he reads the Mails other news that the prosecutions star witness in his trial will be his second wife.
Former nurse Debbie Rowe, the mother of Jacksons two oldest children, seven-year-old Prince and six-year-old Paris, has agreed to testify against her second husband.
But her reasons for doing so are, apparently, less based on a desire to see justice done and more down to plain old revenge.
The Sun reports in its front-page story (KNIFED BY THE WIFE), that Jackson has recently stopped his £600,000-a-year payments to her.
And whats more, if Jacko goes down, Debbie will surely stand more of a chance of securing custody of those two children, as it was her desire to take back control of the kids that made Jacko turn off the $1m stipend.
So much for the whys and wherefores; now what about the whos and wheres?
It might not be time to hear the details just yet, but the Sun says that, when it does come, Rowes testimony could be dynamite.
Indeed, hearing what its like to be married to Jacko could be explosive enough to blow our spangled, glittery socks right off.
But let us not get too carried away. First, how much stock can be placed in Rowe, a women who agrees to marry and then have children by Jackson?
And then how do we know if its really him that she was married to?
With so many of Jacksons look-alikes and off-cuts around, Rowe could have been no more married to the original article than she could to the image of a long-haired man on the base of a frying pan…’
For Pete’s Sake
‘ITS most unlike a supermodel to bite off more than she can chew, but Kate Moss appears to be guilty of doing just that.
| Get thee to The Priory |
The story goes (as told by the Express) that very recently Miss Moss gave her new boyfriend an ultimatum: Check into rehab or Im gone!
To many men, the threat of losing the companionship of the best thing to come out of Croydon since the A23 would be too much to bear, and theyd be hotfooting into the model’s old room at The Priory Clinic, London.
Problem is that Kates lover is the former Libertines front man Pete Doherty, a rum cove with something of a reputation for liking hard drugs.
Whats more, while Kate was away at a glitzy fashion party in Paris, the Mirror reports that Pete was playing with his new band Babyshambles in a hall in Islington, London.
And judging by the pictures of him that appear in all the papers, he was not overly worried by Mosss ultimatum.
As his eyes roll back in his head in the Mail so only the whites are visible, the Express hears that his girlfriends final word may not be all that final.
I know people are saying hes no good for me, the paper claims Moss said, but I cant help myself. Theres just something about him. I keep going back.
But let us not be too hard on her – a supermodel going back for seconds and thirds is something truly wonderful to behold.
Although, the sweaty, glassy-eyed mess shes got on her plate doesnt look all that appetising…’
Les Grandes Vacances
‘TIRED of todays diet of vengeful ex-wives and troubled showbiz relationships, its time for a simple tale of love.
| ”Je vais, je vais et je viens” |
And what better romance to lighten the mood than the one that has captivated our hearts and minds ever since Sophie said yes to her Prince Edward?
So in love are these two that they rarely seem to venture out in public, preferring to spend hours in each others company, mooning into each others eyes.
But they were out and about the other day, walking unaided through the streets of London and taking time to enrol on a course at the renowned Institut Francais in South Kensington.
The Mail carries a picture of the loved-up pair emerging from the language school in the possession of a beginners French grammar book, a pocket dictionary and a green loose-leaf folder, the contents of which remain a beguiling mystery.
But why French? To answer that, the paper asks an insider, who says that the pair have friends in France and they very much love the country.
They go there quite a lot on holiday and they thought it would be useful, not only for that, but also for their work.
And since their work seem to be taking holidays, Eddie and his tireless wife seem to have hit upon the perfect way to combine their hobby with their jobs.
Before long, we are sure that with their fine wits and ready minds both will be conversing in the language of great lovers.
As they order another bottle of vin, a chambre at a top hotel and officially open a croissant to much fanfare and excitement…’
Beat It
‘GIVEN the nature of his cosmetic surgery, can we ever be entirely sure that the Michael Jackson we see entering a Californian courthouse is the real deal?
| Jukebox Jury |
The figure dressed all in white and offering the V for victory sign to the fans who have come to see their hero looks like we imagine the singer to look.
But then so too does Navi. Billed as a Jackson impersonator, Navi from Essex has flown to Santa Maria to cheer on his idol and hold up a banner on which he has daubed in marker pen: SMOOTH BUT NOT A CRIMINAL.
Doubtless, Navi thinks this is a clever use of words, a pun on one of the singers biggest hits.
But how clever it is to go out in public dressed up as a man charged with molesting teenage cancer sufferer Gavin Arvizo, plying him with booze and plotting to kidnap him is debatable.
Chances are high that if Navi were following the trial in Portsmouth or any other hotbed of anti-paedophile rage, hed be in trouble.
But in California, hes surrounded by hundreds of likeminded Jackson supporters and, deprived of any words from the accused, its to them the papers turn for a story.
So to kick off the so-called Trial Of The Century, we turn to the Express and hear from Jordan Gibson, a 16-year-old who has flown to California from Newcastle-upon-Tyne with her grandmother Anne.
I know he is innocent, says Gibson. To me Jackson represents purity and innocence and he will prove to the world that he is not guilty of these things.
More fans are willing to talk, this time to the Mirror.
There are Hounslows Aneesh Pandya (I would not have travelled such a long way to be here if I did not believe in Michael Jackson) and Rupinder Gahunia (Everyone wants to show him how much we love him).
And here comes Pamela Goldfinch, 18, and her mum Yvonne. Theyve journeyed from Worthing, West Sussex, to cheer for their man and hold aloft a homemade banner that reads: Innocent Until Proven Guilty. We Love Michael.
And theres Pamela with her banner again, this time in the Sun where shes positioned alongside the papers shot of the real Jackson/Navi and his sign of support.
It all looks less like a trial and more like a bit of fun. But dont be disheartened if you cant make it out there as the paper reveals how you too can join in the show by buying Jackson trial memorabilia.
So, sit back and relax in a badge that says Michael Is The Real Victim. Slip on a womans thong on which is printed the legend I SUPPORT MICHAEL.
And when you see the real Michael in the street, playfully tweak his souvenir nose and tell him what a big fan you are…’
Smoke Screens
‘MICHAEL Jackson is not the only singer making the news today as the Star fills us in on the life and times of Brian McPadding.
| Drippier than Kerry’s lettuce |
News is that Brian and his new girlfriend, the drippy Delta Goodrem, have been having blazing rows over his 40-a-day cigarette habit.
Luckily for Brian hes not with Jackson in California, where anyone caught in possession of tobacco is taken to a small desert town and shot in the lungs.
But that still doesnt mean he escapes entirely, as the Star hears the Australian singer say that smoking is the one thing that could split us up.
But while we think of other things that could end their love affair (his children; a falling out of their agents; poor record sales), the Sun says that hes been to meet Deltas parents.
It was like the film Meet The Fockers, says Brian. It was pretty much like the movie.
Right…so it was scripted and all an act?
But we dont get to hear the answer because later in the Sun all we can hear are boos and catcalls as Bri and Delt take to the stage in Dublin.
As they performed their duet Almost Here, fans chanted Kerry, Kerry, a reference to Brians former wife whom, as legend has it, he dumped for Delta.
As a source says: Kerry is popular. It must have been very uncomfortable for Delta.
Especially in those I SUPPORT MICHAEL knickers…’
Chelsy Scores
‘WHERES Harry?
| Lily Marlene |
Has anyone seen Prince Harry? You know the lad – red hair, squinty eyes, Nazi uniform?
If you have will you please try and ensure he doesnt see the Mirrors picture of his girlfriend, the blonde Chelsy Davy, sitting on a blokes knee.
And try to keep him from reading the papers story in which we learn that Chelsy was spotted stroking this unidentified lads face and whispering in his ear.
Perhaps if Harry does see the story, you could just say that the pictures are most likely fakes dreamt up by the Mirrors graphics department to show what Chelsy would look like with another man.
But whatever the truth, one onlooker who saw Chelsy and her companion at a race meeting in Cape Town said things didnt look good.
Poor Harry must be going spare knowing what this is what Chelsy is up to when his back is turned, he said.
The two of them were acting as if they were a couple in love.
So, if you see Harry, go easy on the scamp. And tell him that it could be worse the love of his life could be with Michael Jackson…’
Booze ‘N’ Twos
‘FLEET Streets finest may not longer enjoy the famed boozy lunches of yesteryear, but when it comes to writing a story on pissed-up Britain they jump at the chance.
| She’s got some bottle has Jodie |
No day seems to pass without hacks leaving their safe and soulless corporate offices to go out into the mean street of some provincial British town to see drunken yobs at first hand.
But today the Mirror ups the ante and sends out a gang of three appalled, shocked and disgusted hacks to see how awful drinking can really be.
So, brace yourself for A NIGHT OUT IN YOB BRITAIN.
Young thugs brawl in the street, glasses are hurled at cowering doormen while stag night revellers vomit nearby, begins this in-depth investigation that will stun the world.
The article then takes us from 9:30pm in the city of Newcastle up to 2:15am, making mention of a man too drunk to walk, a man sitting in his own vomit, a scuffle in a queue, loud music and a man behaving aggressively.
Anyone shocked by this – and how can you not be? can pluck up the courage to read it all over again when the yob and yobettes decamp to Faliraki or some other Mediterranean sun spot for more of the same this summer.
But before the yobs and reporters book their flights, the drunken masses might like to divert their bleary, bloodshot eyes to the Sun where the paper has been out on the tiles in St Albans, Hertfordshire.
There, glamour girl Jodie Marsh is feeling the effects of too much alcohol as she nurses a bump on her head caused when a man threw his bottle of beer at her.
Jodie had been making a public appearance at the towns Batchwood Hall when the drinks began to fly in her direction.
The bottles came from nowhere, says Jodie, now recovered from her ordeal.
As one struck me I felt my knees go and I went dizzy… There was no blood or need for stitches but it could have been much worse.
Yes, it could of an undercover reporter could have been sick on you or your shoes…’
The Missing Link
‘IF were not reading about barely-incomprehensible wrecks stumbling about, were watching them on TV.
| ”Whatever you do, please do not mention my famous mum and dad” |
But in the all-too brief hiatus between the last Osbourne family freak show and the next, the Express has spotted a new arrival in their midst.
Her name in Aimee, and shes the secret Osbourne daughter who shunned the chance to be stared at and laughed at by the world at large in favour of something else.
And that something is now revealed to be the chance to become a nurse in a small home for the elderly in Aberdeenshire.
Well, not exactly. Aimee has signed a big money record deal to become a soul singer.
Aimee has always been terrified of being accused of riding on her parents coat-tails, says an unnamed source.
But while millions of viewers have been monitoring her familys every move, Aimee has been writing her own material.
And just as soon as its released, the papers will tell you all about it. As will her mum, her dad, her brother…’
Pigging Out
‘IT is clear that standards in society are slipping, and who better to stop the rot than the Sun, that bastion of decorum and modesty in a G-string?
| ”Now, don’t you go making a pig of yourself, luv” |
And the paper is today celebrating its coup by exposing the police as guilty of holding double standards.
Now, now, calm yourselves. We know this is a far-fetched thing to believe, a difficult concept to take in on a Monday, but stick with it.
Following last weeks news in which Sarah McCaffrey was fined £60 for driving while holding an apple in one hand, the paper set up a sting.
A reporter went to Newcastle-upon-Tyne, the home of the police force that nicked Sara, and, standing by a set of traffic lights, armed himself with a tray of doughnuts and a board advertising the treats for free.
Soon enough a car from the Northumbria Force pulled up alongside stopped by the red lights – and beckoned the Suns man over.
The coppers inside the vehicle took one doughnut each, but before they could confiscate the entire tray for questioning, the lights changed to green.
And that saw the driver accelerate off, doughnut in one hand and wheel in the other.
And while that hungry copper loses sleep, the Sun reports on Chris Phillips, a concerned citizen, who has reported a woman cop he saw reversing her marked van out of the police compound at Pontypridd, South Wales.
This WMPC had the apple in her mouth as she reversed. As she drove away she took it out of her mouth with her left hand and changed gear at the same time, says Phillips.
If theyre having a go the ordinary motorist for eating an apple at the wheel, why should a police officer get away with it?
We can think of no good answer. Indeed, its hard to think of much at all when youre having an apple forcibly stuffed into your mouth by a large black boot…’
The Frog Chorus
‘IF teenagers really are looking to TV for careers inspiration, then we can expect a big increase in the number of people applying for a job as a really annoying frog.
| ”I call it my tadpole” |
However, the Mirror reports that Crazy Frog, the ubiquitous TV amphibian who advertises a mobile phone ringtone, is himself in trouble…for exposing himself to young kids.
The problem, it seems, is what is on display between the frog’s legs.
Anne James, from Middlesbrough, says she turns off the advert when her four-year-old son William is in the room.
”It’s vulgar and not anatomically correct,” she says. ”Frogs don’t have a penis.”
Robert Swift, marketing manager for internet firm Jamster (which has made about £10m from the irritating frog), claims his only complaint ”is he’s better endowed than me”.
However, the Mirror says the Advertising Standards Authority has received 60 representations from the likes of Mrs James.
The paper doesn’t specify whether these people are upset on grounds of taste or anatomical accuracy.
If the latter, we imagine that as we speak Mrs James is busy affixing a plasticene penis between the legs of her son’s Action Man…’
Fishcakes And Bile
‘FROGS may be irritating, but the Welsh are far worse.
| Miss Bangor 2003 |
Not the view of Anorak, of course – we love our friends from the other side of Offa’s Dyke and like nothing better of an evening than to listen to them in full voice.
No, the view of Tim Haigh, owner of The Village Pub, a Michelin-starred Cotswold inn and favourite celebrity hang-out.
He was so incensed when Mark and Janet Foster complained that his £13.50 fishcakes were bland and overpriced – and sent him their recipe instead – that he fired off an angry letter.
In it he wrote: ”Our head chef is delighted with the recipe and will be using it from now on.
”I have also inquired of my friends for their opinion of people who live in Wales. They all have the same view – opinionated, mean and tasteless.”
The Express says Mr Haigh later claimed that his letter was ”tongue in cheek”, although he wouldn’t identify the friends whose opinions he had canvassed.
We notice, however, that one of the regulars of the pub near Cirencester is that flame-haired lover of all things Welsh, Anne Robinson.
Coincidence? We think not…’
Father And Son
‘THEY do say that you should be careful what you wish for, in case it comes true. Well, thats definitely the case for poor stupid Zoe.
| ”Yeugh! It’s ginger” |
Zoe has been absolutely desperate to get pregnant in order to keep Dennis, so desperate shes been sleeping with the oldest man in the world, Dennis father Den.
Since is Princess left Walford, Den has been determined to make those he blames for her departure suffer. Hes successfully lured Zoe into sleeping with him and now hes managed to drive Dennis out of the Square by making sure he caught Den and Zoe in bed together.
Zoe may be the most attractive woman in Walford (admittedly not a difficult title to win) but shes by far the most stupid. Not only does she agree to sleep with Den, she does it in her own bed, just yards away from where Dennis works.
I only did it fer you, sobbed Zoe when a sickened Dennis caught her in bed naked with his own father. I fort it was the only way of keepin yer, Zoe continued with her bizarre Slater logic.
Not surprisingly, Dennis swiftly packed his bags and walked out of Walford but not before making sure hed told Dens wife Chrissie exactly what her husband had been up to.
For reasons of her own, the big-permed one has decided to keep that information to herself and is pretending to Den that everythings fine. Zoe, however, has fallen to pieces and has moved back in with the Slater clan hasnt the poor girl been punished enough?
Mo has been trying to get her excited about her pregnancy, but thats just making Zoe even more depressed as there is no baby or so she thinks. Because Zoe has indeed got exactly what she wished for as later this week she finds out she is pregnant with Dens child.
The only reason Sharon slept with you is because you reminded her of me, sneered Den to his son, giving us a worrying glimpse into his sewer mind. Thank goodness Zoe decides to have a termination.
Little Mo also has her own family problems to worry about when Billy admits that he hates baby Freddie and walks out on her.
Billy decided to go and visit rapist Graham in prison to ask him to stop his mother writing to Little Mo and leave them alone. Because a convicted rapist is likely to be a reasonable person, isnt he?
Not surprisingly, Graham simply sneered at Billy and told him that hed be seeing a lot more of him once he was let out. Billy decided that as much as he loved his wife, he could never bring up someone elses son especially one that was probably going to turn out ginger.
More families are imploding this week as Patrick turns to the bottle when he discovers his worst fear are confirmed and his son, Paul, is dead. New bad boy, Jimmy, made sure that Pauls body was discovered by the police as a warning to Andy and the Moon brothers.
Patrick is convinced that Andy murdered Paul and is determined to bring him to justice: a sort of one man A-Team.
EastEnders producers are desperately trying to turn Walford into The Sopranos, but their gangsters are about as hard as the Suns coffee break crossword.’
From TV To CV
‘GONE are the days when kids turned to their parents or even careers advisers for guidance on what to do after they leave school.
| ”A threesome?” |
These days, a report says, teenagers are turning to television for inspiration – and they all apparently now want to become chefs, spies or forensic scientists.
The Star says many youngsters are dismissing old favourites such as media and advertising as ”too boring” – with more than 80% saying they get careers advice from TV dramas instead.
Amy Collis, of recruitment consultants Office Angels, said TV was causing a new trend towards exciting dynamic careers.
”Being challenged and having a varied role,” she says, ”is now more attractive than a high salary.”
Of course as most kids literally don’t know their gluteus maximus from their humerus and can’t even spell lasagne, far less cook it, they have as much chance of becoming forensic scientists or chefs as Chris Moyles has of becoming an underwear model.
But of course it all depends on what they watch on TV.
If they were to go down to Safeway and buy a DVD of The Pajama Game, the hit 1957 musical starring Doris Day and John Raitt, they may pick up a few ideas…on a career as a porn star.
For the Mail reports that that the £2.99 disc contained not the wholesome exploits of Doris & co, but an assortment of Latin lovelies in various stages of undress.
Devout Baptists Alan Leigh-Browne and his wife Anne were shocked when they settled down with a cup of tea at their home in Wellington, Somerset, for a matinee performance.
”We knew something was amiss when a warning flashed up on screen advising under-18s not to carry on watching,” said the 67-year-old Mr Leigh-Browne.
”Then some topless young women appeared and started talking in Italian. We were horrified – it’s not what you expect from a Doris Day film.”
It seems that, instead of The Pajama Game, an Italian soft porn film called Tettone Che Passione (Breasts Of Passion) had been recorded on the disc.
”My wife and I were very shocked,” Mr Leigh-Browne said, ”but we watched it until the end because we couldn’t believe what we were seeing.”
In fact, so traumatised was Mr Leigh-Browne by the experience that he had to get up in the middle of the night to watch it a couple more times.
And he’s also updated his CV just in case anyone in the area is looking for the services of a sexagenarian stunt cock…’
Pigs In Muck
‘WHAT do you get if you cross a pig pleasurer and a dogger? Why, a celebrity romance, of course.
| ”Meet you in the car park in five minutes” |
And a front page for the Star, which reports that Rebecca Loos, former PA to David Beckham and friend of swine everywhere, has begun a steamy affair with former footballer Stan Collymore.
”The couple have enjoyed red-hot secret dates,” it says, ”since they hit it off with raunchy kisses and massages on Five’s reality TV hit The Farm.
”But they are trying to take things slowly until 34-year-old Stan’s divorce is finalised next week.”
They may need to speed things up, however, as the Sun reports that Collymore will soon be quitting Britain and moving to America.
The paper says the man ”reviled after battering lover Ulrika Jonsson and ‘dogging’ for sex in car parks” has bought an apartment in Miami’s South Beach near his new friend OJ Simpson.
But the move is not just to escape his past – he dreams about becoming a film star…and is boasting to pals that he has already landed a major role in a Hollywood movie.
So what will become of Rebecca Loos when her lover heads for the Hollywood hills?
Where does her career go after giving a pig a hand job on TV?
The answer is not downwards – the sleazy senorita is one of a dozen ”celebs with credibility” after refusing to be conned into appearing on the Sun’s bogus reality TV show.
The paper invited dozens of celebs to spend two weeks down a mine near Mansfield as part of a programme called – drum roll – Back To Mine.
They were to be paid £40,000 each, with the bonus that they could emerge as qualified miners.
And if Rebecca Loos is one of the celebs with credibility, what does it say for the dozens who couldn’t wait to sign up?
The Sun knows, dubbing the likes of Jodie Marsh, Razor Ruddock, Lionel Blair, Neil Hamilton, Emma Greenwood and Rik Waller ”the most desperate celebs in Britain”.
Maybe not – tomorrow the paper reveals ”the losers who signed up to go naked”.
What’s the betting that one of them is Keith Chegwin?’
