Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
The Road To Hell
‘YOU won’t find Stan Collymore’s ex Kirsty Gallacher agreeing to appear on TV naked, not even for the chance to work alongside Keith Chegwin.
| Kisrty concentrates on her TV work |
The Queen’s favourite TV presenter may host a motley assortment of video clips from a nudist camp in the guise of hilarious home movies, but she herself remains fully clothed throughout.
True, she may have posed for the odd lad’s magazine in her younger years wearing little more than a lopsided smile, but those days are firmly behind her.
She said so herself, suggesting recently that ”it’s time to put the glamour stuff to one side for a while and focus on my television work”.
After all, there’s only so long you can sit around in your underwear complaining about the size of your breasts.
Or is there? You know what they say, you can take the girl out of her clothes but, er, you can’t get her to put them back on again.
And quicker than you can say ”Big Brother’s Shell is back on Page 3”, Kirsty has stripped off again and is showing us her undies.
Or rather Debenhams’ undies – as the 29-year-old host of Kirsty’s Home Videos was yesterday unveiled as the department store’s latest underwear model.
And needless to say she’s soon back on her favourite topic, telling the Star that she would like to shrink her famous bust.
”I would love to have smaller breasts,” she says. ”I always have to wear a bra and occasionally it would be nice not to.”
Like for, say, a photoshoot for Tits! magazine.’
Mind The Gaps
‘WE all have such short memories these days that, like Kirsty Gallacher, it’s very easy to forget what we said only a month or two ago.
| Some old bat from long ago |
How are we supposed to remember then what happened a century or two ago – or even longer?
The Tories have got an idea – it’s called history and the Mail says it should be compulsory to plug ”yawning gaps” in our children’s knowledge.
In a speech today shadow education secretary Tim Collins will argue that ”nothing is more important to the survival of the British nation than an understanding among its young of our shared heritage and the nature of the struggles, foreign and domestic, which have secured our freedoms”.
”When surveys show nearly a third of all 11-18 year-olds think that Oliver Cromwell fought at the Battle of Hastings,” he will say, ”and when fewer than half know that Nelson’s ship at Trafalgar was called HMS Victory, we have to take action.”
Indeed, and where better to start educating youngsters about the dim and distant past than with a lesson on that now defunct institution, the Conservative Party?’
The Bottom Line
‘YOU don’t have to be a rumpologist to know that David and Victoria Beckham are ”dizzy” and ”eccentric fools” – but it does help.
| Top rumpologist Samantha Amos |
So, when Jackie Stallone pronounces on the celebrity couple, she does so from a position of knowledge for she has seen their future in their bums.
The oddball mother of Rocky actor Sly Stallone tells the Star that the Beckhams visited her for a private reading at her home in Los Angeles.
There she studied the creases in their respective arses before giving them the benefit of her years of professional experience.
”I still can’t figure out which is the dizziest,” she said. ”He’s a player, she hasn’t woken up yet – and they’re both eccentric fools.
”They will stay married, I told them that. She doesn’t know if it’s night or day and, until she gets that straight, they’ll stay together.”
So, if Becks wants to stay married to his stick insect of a wife, then he knows what to do – start bringing her breakfast in bed at 6pm.
But not all rumpologists agree with Jackie’s reading.
The Star says Britain’s top bum-reader Samantha Amos ”fought a rearguard defence” of the couple.
”David will be back with an English team before next season,” she says (although whether this is based on a reading of his bum or the tabloid press is not clear).
”I can see a house move and a baby girl born within the next year.”
All this from David’s arse when try as we might all we could see was a couple of spots and a tattoo of a happy pig…’
Harry Hammered
‘HAD Samantha Amos not been one of Britain’s top rumpologists, we might have suspected that her fortune telling had more to do with eBay than ESP.
| Made from 100% wood |
For, the Sun says that the three-bedroom house the Beckhams shared when they got engaged is up for sale on the online auction site.
The property in Worsley, near Manchester, which comes complete with the curtains that Victoria chose, is on offer for £450,000 – but has yet to receive a bid.
Not so the Prince Harry Nazi doll, which are changing hands at more than £50 each.
Toymakers have rushed out a replica doll, which (the Star says) comes complete with realistic swastika armband.
”It’s really popular,” an eBay source said. ”The dolls are really professionally made. The designer has clearly done his homework.
”Harry has bright red hair and it is clearly wearing the uniform of the German army.
”In fact the only difference between Prince Harry and the doll is that it doesn’t have a cigarette permanently clasped in its mouth, a drink in its hand and doesn’t spend its time trying to bash photographers.”
Other dolls in the Royal collection include Prince William in an Aston Villa kit, Prince Charles in a kimono and The Queen in bondage gear.
Manufacturers said they had been approached to make a doll of Prince Edward in a Royal Marines uniform, but dismissed it as in bad taste…’
Good Clean Fun
‘PRINCE Harry has got plenty of time to squeeze in another few holidays before his knee injury means he has to postpone his entry to Sandhurst again.
| The only jump you’ll get on holiday this year |
But it’s unlikely that he’ll be going away with Club 18-30 anymore after the raunchy holiday firm announced that it was cleaning up its act.
The Star says the company is spending £1.5m on a huge marketing campaign to shake off its sex-on-the-beach image.
Out go slogans such as Beaver Espana and One Swallow Doesn’t Make A Summer and in comes a glossy new brochure.
Admittedly, even this new brochure has a cover picture of a girl with her legs apart, but this time not in traditional Club 18-30 pose with her knickers around her ankles.
However, sales boss Stephen Vaughan explains that holidaymakers will still get the traditional fare.
”Our core Club 18-30 product,” he says, ”is exactly what customers ask for – hot weather, great beaches, good music, fun atmosphere and partying hard.
”They also want the chance to make new friends and be part of an experience they will never forget.”
And what better way to remember that holiday forever than with a nice dose of the clap…’
Picture Perfect
‘IF Brad Pitt likes a woman in uniform (and let’s face it, what man doesn’t), then he could not do much better than Angelina Jolie.
| ”Right, Brad, let’s go shopping” |
The Star reports that his Mr and Mrs Smith co-star has been voted the sexiest woman in uniform by readers of Hollywood film magazine Femmes Fatales.
The 29-year-old’s leather-clad appearance in Sky Captain And The World Of Tomorrow was enough to see off competition from Bai Ling (the robot assassin in the same film) and Jessica Biel (a female vampire hunter in Blade Trinity).
However, it is an out-of-uniform Tomb Raider star who is seen strolling round flower markets with Mr Pitt in the pictures the Mirror says broke estranged wife Jennifer Aniston’s heart.
As evidence of an affair the pictures (taken last October) are unlikely to get a conviction even in Texas, but in the world of tabloid journalism conjecture is proof and hearsay is fact.
For instance, the Mirror quotes an unnamed insider on the set who says: ”They were total professionals, but it was obvious they wanted to spend time together.”
And the Sun has supposedly tracked down a witness who says of their afternoon stroll: ”They ambled around the market looking like lovers.”
Both Brad and Angelina insist that their relationship is purely platonic, but the Sun suggests that their ”close body language” speaks for itself.
And in case it doesn’t the Mirror tells its readers that Angelina ”looked completely at ease as she snuggled up to the 41-year-old Hollywood superstar”.
In one picture, she is shown resting her head on his shoulder as he whispers something into her ear.
Even the Sun hasn’t found a witness to what he said, but we’ve shown the pictures to Anorak’s resident lip-reading expert and this is her verdict…
”Have you still got that policewoman’s uniform from The Bone Collector?”’
Apple Grumble
‘YOU would have thought that 23-year-old Sarah McCaffrey would have learned her lesson after being fined £60 for eating an apple while driving.
| Apple Mc |
But the nursery nurse is taunting police this morning as she leans on the bonnet of her Ford Ka like a modern-day Eve with a half-eaten apple in her hand.
And that after they had spent £10,000 – and 13 months – bringing her to justice in the first place.
The Mail says Sarah faced magistrates no fewer than 10 times after she missed breakfast and was spotted in December 2003 holding an apple while turning left at a junction on her way to work.
The sorry saga started when she refused to pay the original £30 on-the-spot fine, arguing that she was in control of her car for the whole time.
The police then commissioned the force helicopter, a light aircraft and a patrol car equipped with a video camera to provide photographic evidence of the offence.
And they finally got their woman yesterday when a court in South Tyneside ruled in their favour.
However, instead of being impressed by the police’s thoroughness, defence lawyer Geoffrey Forrester is aghast.
”Nothing illustrates the nonsense of this case,” he says, ”more than the resources that have been thrown at it.
”This is all about trying to crush her because she is the one who stood up and said ‘This is silly’.”
That’s all very well, but where do we draw the line? An apple today, a grapefruit tomorrow, a bowl of cereal the day after…’
Arse Gloria Artis
‘WHEN Big Brother art student Shell Jubin posed for the Sun’s Page 3 as part of her drive to bring art to the masses, she declared it a ”once-in-a-lifetime” opportunity.
| Buried in her books |
”The celebrity lifestyle isn’t for me,” the 23-year-old declared last August. ”I’m returning to university as a postgraduate and will be buried back in my art books.”
And so she did, reappearing only occasionally to share her thoughts on art (and her nubbins) with readers of magazines with names like Ice, Front, Wow, Tits etc.
And the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that was her appearance on Page 3 appears not to have been such a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity after all.
As part (no doubt) of her post-graduate thesis at Glasgow University, this morning Shell is back and ”leaving little to the imagination as she poses in sexy undies and a diamante choker”.
And judging by her performance we would say it’s only a matter of time before it is Dr Shell Jubin who is showing us her nubbins…’
Blue Monday
‘IF today is reckoned to be the most miserable day of the year, then tomorrow is unlikely to be far behind as blizzards make their way over the Atlantic from New York.
| ”Om” |
The Big Apple came to a virtual standstill over the weekend after three feet of snow fell in Central Park.
And forecasters are warning that we are in for 72 hours of misery as gale force winds and icy temperatures make their way over here.
”While nothing like the conditions in the US,” the Met Office’s Nigel Bolton tells the Mail, ”we are expecting snow showers moving southwards across eastern parts of the country.”
So what to do to relieve the misery as you crawl to work over icy roads?
The answer is…yoga. RAC executive director Edmund King tells the Star: ”Spending 10 to 15 minutes a day in quiet contemplation or meditation when driving to work can increase energy levels, result in greater creativity, higher sexual potency and the willingness to strive to meet challenges.”
One such challenge may be digging you car out of a snowdrift as you try to negotiate a hairpin bend in a catatonic state.
But what of the higher sexual potency? Useful if you work as a hooker, perhaps, but perhaps a bit dangerous for, say, an accounts clerk or a telesales operative.
However, with midwinter blues at their height today, the Star says bosses are being urged to give their staff a long lunch and free drinks to help them cope.
”Today,” says Totaljobs.com marketing director Michael Robinson, ”provides the ideal opportunity for employers to acknowledge the hard work that employees put into a company throughout the year.”
And the perfect opportunity for the employees to demonstrate to each other their increased sexual potency…’
The Snatch
‘REBECCA Loos has no need of quiet contemplation or meditation to enhance her sexual potency.
| ”Do you want me to carry her?” |
Point a camera at the pig-pleasuring PA and she is ready to perform.
The Sun says the 27-year-old’s latest TV stunt is…”lifting weights with her private parts”.
There is, we are reliably informed, a dwarf resident in Barcelona who has made a career out of just such an act, but for Becs it was all done in the name of science.
She performs the ”sexual energy” ritual – which involves squeezing an egg-shaped object between her legs and lifting a bottle of water attached to the egg by a piece of string – at a Thai health camp.
It is all part of a Channel 4 show, Celebrity Hell Camp, in which celebs are sent to exotic locations to try out strange health practices.
Other celebs, including glamour model Jo Guest, ex-EastEnder Carol Harrison and Ozzy Osbourne’s son Jack, are forced to drink their own urine or gulp down salt water until they vomit.
For those of you without the money or inclination to try this particular ritual, much the same effect can be had by staying at home and tuning into Channel 4…’
Better Best Forgotten
‘THERE is at least one Happy Monday this morning as Bez celebrates his victory on Celebrity Big Brother by vowing never to do another reality TV show.
| ”I should be so lucky, lucky, luckly, lucky…” |
”One in your life is enough,” the one-time dancer and maracas player said after his victory. It’s completely disturbing, really, man.”
Not as disturbing, however, as the news that former Steps singer Lisa Scott-Lee is to star in her own MTV show.
The Star, which pictures the woman who claims to be Britain’s answer to Kylie Minogue on holiday with her husband Johnny Shentall, says the couple are to become the latest celebrities to open their homes to the TV cameras.
MTV is apparently planning a fly-on-the-wall show called Scott-Lee Unlimited as a British version of The Newlyweds, the show that turned Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey into household names.
If that is not disturbing enough, the Star spots the couple reading a book called Planning A Baby in between frolics in the Caribbean surf.
One fellow holidaymaker reported: ”The two of them looked so happy together. It looks like they might be starting a family very soon.”
And don’t doubt that the MTV cameras will be there to record it every step of the way.’
Opera Buff
‘RUMOURS abound that Paul Ross was so desperate to make it onto TVs Celebrity Fit Club that he gorged himself on all manner of pies and cakes to get the work.
| The three tonners |
The mealy-mouthed Dannii Minogue to his brother Jonathans Kylie was apparently prepared to do whatever it took to make it big.
But when to stop is the question that Paul and others like him have to answer, and opera singer Luciano Pavarotti is mulling that over as he ploughs through his lunch.
The Mail spots the singer sitting on the steps above a beach in Barbados. Hes smiling broadly as he watches his wife Nicoletta at play with their two-year-old daughter Alice.
And he would go and join in the fun if only he could move. Problem is that at 25 stone, he has to wait for a team to lower him down from the wooden steps of his villa to the golden sands with a winch and harness.
While we try to conjure up an image of this scene, our minds eye peppered with visions of Minki whales stranded on a beach, an onlooker explains what went on.
It turned into a military operation with two men taking the strain on ropes behind him as he took one step at a time down to the beach, says the eyewitness.
Unfortunately, by the time he reached the bottom he had gathered so much momentum that he went tumbling forward and ended up in a heap.
It was awful to watch he just looked so helpless.
There is clearly nothing in the least bit amusing in this story, which should pass for a cautionary tale to the likes of the aforesaid Ross, the 16lb 7oz baby boy born to a relieved mother in Brazil and Jade Goody.
And Jade has already taken note. Shes not released another keep-fit dance workout, but just hopped along to Doctors Nip n Tuck for some sculpting.
The Sun says that the reality TV creation nicknamed Miss Piggy has had liposuction to trim her bulging belly and thighs and another operation to enhance her bust.
As a source at the Capio Springfield Hospital in Chelmsford sensitively reveals: Jade came in wanting a figure like Marilyn Monroe – but looks more like Matt Monro right now.
However, when the pain subsides and the swelling goes down, Jade will, as her lookalike crooner of yesteryear would have put it, look like an angel.
And, failing that, shell look like a contestant on next years Celebrity Fit Club…’
Birthday Rites
‘WHILE we were trying to fathom what the Countess of Wessex has done in her life to date, the woman herself was turning 40.
| ”See you in 2015” |
The Express was there to wave a flag and deliver a card to the woman who took on and tamed The Weed In Tweed that is Prince Edward as she visited a college.
I should have been wearing my badge that I got this morning that said Yesterday I was 39, quipped the royal as she opened a £5m sixth form centre at Collingwood College in Camberley, Surrey.
No job is too small for the tireless Countess, who thought nothing of pulling on a youthful Eau de Nile twin set and a set of chunky pearls and making the arduous trip from her nearby Bagshot Park home to cut a ribbon.
While one voice in the crowd said Sophie looked like an 18-year-old, another student presented the birthday girl with a bouquet of roses.
This hard work would have been enough for other royals, like husband Eddie, but Sophies energy knows no limits and without breaking her stride she set about cutting a cake with 12 candles on it.
To list her tasks performed for the common good would be to brag, but they are said to have included: being presented with a bunch of helium balloons, telling the crowd I feel great and handing her bouquet to headteacher Jerry Oddie as she signed the visitors book – unaided and with her own hand.
Well done her. But dont expect more of the same – after that lot, Sophie deserves a sit down. And well see her again on her fiftieth…’
Brit Of A To Do
‘THE soulless warehouse has been booked, a faded star has been exhumed from the record stores bargain bucket of death to be awarded a lifetime achievement award and a walking mouth has been hired to present.
| The bouncers |
Welcome to the Brits!
But there will something missing from the mix this year as the Sun reports that Kerry McPadding-Katona is persona non grata.
Kerry has been barred. Her name is on the list, but its not the list that allows her access to all backstage areas and to mingle with the talent its the list on which are written the names of those not wanted.
And this is not because the organisers want to avoid any trouble.
You see, the Sun says, Kerrys estranged husband Brian McPadding has been invited to the do, along with his new girlfriend, Delta Goodrem.
As a source tells the paper: Kerry has not been sent an invitation. Brian and Delta are coming as a couple and they get priority because they are pop stars.
Which leaves Kerry outside in the cold, pleading with the bouncers to let her inside and forlornly asking them to explain that if shes not a pop star, then what is she…’
The Splits
‘YOU dont need a reason to get a divorce in Hollywood – you just a need a good lawyer and a PR agent.
| Noel and Helen in happier times before she got in shape |
Sure, the great and good like Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt give reasons – he wants children; she wants a career; she keeps flicking her hair into his mouth but its less than necessary.
However, thanks to the wonderful work of American psychologist Dr John Gottman, from now on in couples can see if they are compatible by taking his simple test.
This test includes the doctors secret code and having electrodes tied to the couples bodies which read their heart rates and perspiration levels.
The couples are then instructed to talk about something thats been a bone of contention between them.
Having resisted the urge to reattach said electrodes to some other parts of their partners anatomy, Dr Gottman and his team then process the data.
But you dont need to go to the Docs love lab at Washington University to see if your love will last, rather check for positive moves and negative moves in you own relationship.
If shes rolling the eyes, making scornful comments or mocking you, unless her names Mistress Whiplash, your romance is doomed.
If hes holding hands, touching and stroking your body, you are going along just fine – only problem is that hes not your husband, but your fitness instructor.
As the Mirror says in Sex Secrets Of A Personal Trainer, the personal keep-fit guru likes nothing more that taking his step machine upstairs to a clients bedroom for some horizontal jogging.
The reason for this feature although who needs a reason for such sensation? – is the recent news that Noel Edmonds has been utterly humiliated by his wife, whos been cheating on him with her personal trainer.
And what better way to help him ease the pain than by talking about the affair in the open forum that is the national press?
Better, perhaps, if when Noel and Helen had split, shed mumbled something about wanting children and hed talked of trying to get back on the telly…’
And Den There Were None
‘THE front page of the Mirror is enough to make you spill your guts into the nearest bin.
| ”Don’t worry, luv. It’s better out then in” |
The picture of one of our brave British squaddies apparently abusing an Iraqi is grim enough, but its the papers other cover shot of EastEnders Dirty Den Watts in bed with the shows pouting sapling Zoe Slater that really gets the stomach juices churning.
But it is there, so we must take note. We must realise its importance and set about solving the accompanying question: WHO KILLS DEN?
One answer could be the serial killer Harold Shipman, who, as the Mail says, may have killed 137 of his patients when he was a trainee doctor.
Yes, we know the lunatic is dead, but so too was Den once, and he came back to haunt the lot of us and help kill the soap that made him a household name.
Perhaps a gang of British soldiers come into the Queen Vic pub and mistake Den, the swarthy landlord, for an Iraqi citizen. They duly set about keeping the peace on his ageing bones.
But the Mirror ignores either of those options, preferring to list the enemies who will line up to bump off the Walford hardman in WHODENNIT?
The list is indeed long and thorough. It includes Dens son, his adopted daughter, his wife, a former sexual conquest, two former employees, a neighbour, a businesswoman, dear old Dot Cotton and a woman he meets on the Internet.
Odds are not provided for each suspect – although a medal might be if they can kill the rest of this dreadful show at the same time…’
Belly Dancing
‘SOMETHING even more likely to create a feeling of nausea than TVs Den Watts in bed with a teenager is a trip to Turkey.
| Jackie puts her face on without taking her old one off first |
The Express has seen a report by Swedish author Karl Ekdahl in which he compared instances of campylobacter, one of the most common causes of diarrhoea, in holiday destinations.
And top of the steaming pile is Turkey, which boats 143 cases of the bug per 100,000 travellers. It is followed by Portugal (116), Bulgaria (110), Romania (87) and Spain (65).
The cleanest places are Finland (1), Norway (3), Iceland (4), Denmark (4) and Germany (5).
As for Britain, it was down the list in mid-table with 15 upset stomachs per 100,000 visitors.
Of those, at last 14 said they felt sick after seeing EastEnders, with the other one mumbling something about a dream involving Jackie Stallone and a gigantic pea pod…’
Daddy’s Girl
‘WALFORD women arent known for their brains (even Ian Beales managed to find four of them wholl sleep with him) but Zoe Slater takes stupidity to a whole new level.
| Some more fishy acting |
In order to keep her boyfriend from running off with his sister, she lied to Dennis and told him that she was pregnant with his child. Having grown up without a father himself, Dennis agreed to stay with Zoe – for the sake of the kid.
Its only just occurring to Zoe that shes now got seven months to present Dennis with a baby, otherwise he might cotton on to the fact that shes been lying to him. Unfortunately for Zoe, Dennis is refusing to sleep with her, so short of praying for a miracle in which shes chosen as the second Virgin Mary (Jesus Slater now theres an image), it looked like her lie was going to be very short lived.
How lucky then that Dirty Den has offered to sleep with her so that she can get pregnant. Well, not lucky for the six million or so viewers whove had to endure the sight of the rancid old goat pawing and leering at Zoe like Albert Steptoe after a stroke.
It doesnt seem to have occurred to Zoe that even if she does manage to get knocked up by the pensioner, shes told Dennis that shes already two months pregnant. Zoe will have bigger worries to deal with later this week though when Dennis walks in on her in bed with her father.
Obviously any sane person when having an affair would book a hotel room, but not in Walford. All extra curricular activities have to take place in the marital bed to increase the chances of getting caught.
According to the tabloids, Dirty Den is going to be murdered by person or persons unknown and buried under the Queen Vic. Well, with such an old pub, it could probably do with propping up with some extra wood.
Sam Mitchells love life is looking on the up though. Since Sam lost the Mitchell empire (a nasty little garage, half a snooker hall and a backstreet pub), shes actually become a much nicer person working in the chip shop and learning about humility.
Unfortunately her taste in men is as bad as ever, having unwittingly married an East End gangster (and one that cant act at that), shes now dating Danny Moon. Danny is supposed to be Walfords new hot headed, wide boy heart-throb but unfortunately producers have cast someone who looks like a mangey bulldog chewing a wasp.
Still, Sam seems happy enough to stick her tongue down his throat, much to the despair of Minty.
Billy Mitchells relationship with Little Mo also looks in trouble. Billy is finding it hard to bond with his son Freddie and it looks like Alfie is more than happy to step into the breach. Little Mo and Alfie have been desperately trying to avoid each other since their Christmas kiss under the mistletoe but as Walford is made up of one shop, one pub and two streets, that was never going to happen.
Later this week Billy convinces himself that theres something going on between his wife and brother-in-law and punches Alfie in the face outside his house. Now thats a doorstep challenge.’
Not Finished Yet
‘KERRY Katona is a survivor. We know this because the Mirrors dire 3am girls have just heard her singing a karaoke version of I Will Survive.
| ”Und ven did you begin to have zees dreamz about being talented?” |
Its a song that the Mirrors self-styled entertainment specialists want us to believe is entirely suited to Kerrys condition.
Only, it is not. Yes, her husband, the cheating Brian McPadding, left her. Yes, she told us how when he was first gone she was so petrified she spent ten says in the Priory, for f**k sake. And yes, she spent many nights knowing how he did her wrong.
But hes not come back. Kerry had no more need to change the stupid locks than she did to up sticks and take herself and her children to live in Warrington.
However, even that might not be far enough away from the former Westlife makeweight who we learn is trying to win custody of the children, Molly and Lilly, in a bitter battle.
Brian has only just decided he is going to go after custody, says an unnamed source, strongly rumoured to be the bouncer keeping those 3am girls standing in the cold outside Warringtons Chicago Rock Café.
He has caused Kerry enough pain already but fighting over the kids will send her over the edge.
However, Kerry is made of stronger stuff than, say, that other celebrity Chris Parker, aka EastEnders Spencer Moon, whos busy telling the Sun how he tried to take his own life in a hotel room in a scene that resembled a slaughterhouse.
And while the 3am Girls are waiting for Kerry to emerge from her impromptu sing-along in one of the Cheshire towns hotspots, the Star sees the telly star slip out the back door and head to Austria.
No, shes not off in search of some psychiatric help at a Viennese clinic, but to spend two weeks at a finishing school.
After her crash-course in etiquette, Kerry will be fit to appear in an ITV make-over show called My Fair Kerry.
This is a new year and a new start for me, says Kerry. I admit my table manners and Ps and Qs arent up to scratch and that I burp in public.
Nice to know, your Ladyship. But save the revelations for the divorce hearing, please…’
Who’s The Daddy
‘NEVER let it be said that television executives do not pick up on the popular zeitgeist.
| Riley and Feltz are to star in a new biopic on Giant Haystacks and Big Daddy |
With the TV news and the papers full of images and stories about fighting in British town centres, the boffins at ITV have hit upon the genius idea of Saturday night Celebrity Wrestling.
Dont panic! Vanessa Feltz will not be reprising the role made famous by Big Daddy as she bumps leotards with Lisa Rileys Giant Haystacks.
This is a fight only open to female wrestlers who can fit comfortably into the prerequisite uniform of thong and bra.
And theres Kate Lawyer, aka Wannabe Wanda, getting ready for fight night on cover of the Star, where she can be seen dressed in her trademark underwear-style battle garb.
There are also shots of feisty Liberty X singer Michelle Heaton in her white pants and Page 3 girl Leilani Dowding stripped and ready for action.
Others desperate to bite and scratch their way onto the box at prime time are revealed by the Mail to be in no particular order of any importance: former tennis player Annabel Croft, gushing TV presenter Jenny Powell and the ubiquitous Victoria Silvstedt.
And thats not all because, in the spirit of the time, the lads will also be having a go on a Saturday evening, so look out for James Hewitt and Jeff Brazier, the man who wrestled Jade Goody… and lived!
Its gonna be just great. As an ITVC spokesman tells the Mail: The celebrities are not just competing for fun. There are points and pride at stake.
And we know what pride comes before, dont we? Thats right – a half nelson with full dragon screw leg whip and a fall into the crowd from the top rope.
Over to you, Kent Walton…’
You ‘Orrible Little Man
‘WHETHER or not Prince Harry had any help with his Art A-Level or not, hes now in line for some private tutoring of a more obvious kind.
| ”Rause!” |
In the build-up to his stint at Sandhurst military college, the Prince will be torn off a (Nazi) strip by a fearsome Regimental Sergeant Major.
For the next four months, the Mail reports, the orrible little man will be ordered to rediscover the discipline he has lost in what one well-placed source calls the extended party Harrys been on for the past two years.
The plan is to run Harry ragged from morning until night, so leaving him with no energy to do anything other than sleep.
As this insider says, the young Royal will be drilled to within an inch of his life by the RSM, a type renowned for their toughness and taking no prisoners.
To the outsider, this drill master may seem not a little unlike the Nazis Harry likes to dress as – and nothing like the British Army which, a todays broadsheets show, do like to take their prisoners and then abuse them for fun…’
Mullah Flight
‘FROM Prince Harry in his Nazi regalia, the papers today move onto a new obsession – Islamic cleric Omar Bakri Mohammed, or the mad mullah to give him his dues.
| ”Everyone round my way thinks I look like Ricky Villa” |
The offence which earns him the Expresss front-page splash (THIS MAN IS POISON) is to have urged British Muslims to join al-Qaeda and fight a Holy War against, well, everyone else.
This is extreme stuff, and bad enough for the Sun to use its Sun Says editorial in its own front-page story on the bearded rabble rouser.
In its shocking revelation that the Internet is not just about soap stars accessing porn, the paper (SEND HIM BAKRI) says that the Syrian-born extremist has been using the web to spread hatred.
For the past month, he has been broadcasting nightly on the net. And after his hour-and-half polemic, he invites his audience to write in and ask questions in a web chat.
We dont see any of the questions, but they may be things like How do you set up a webcam?, Whats your favourite position? and Are you Leslie Grantham?
Other letters might ask him why it is that he has not joined the fight.
If only he could but, what with his injured leg – a disability for which, as the Express tells us in WHAT HE GETS IN BENEFITS, he receives £50 a week his less-then-perfect eyesight and his long toenails, he cant go anywhere.
And the Sun hears that this above all is what upsets him. Hed love to run with the boys in the desert sands, perhaps even pausing to blow himself up in crowded market, but he cant.
And even if he could, he still cant because, as he tells the Sun, Im really stuck – Im in the middle.
If that true, wed hate to see whos on the Right? But he wants to explain. I want to quit Britain – but I cannot leave, says he.
Why so? Because your mission to build a Muslim empire in Edmonton is not yet complete? Because you are being held prisoner? Because youve signed up as a mystery guest on Celebrity Big Brother?
Perhaps all of the above, but the given answer is: Ive been planning to leave this country but I havent succeeded because I dont have papers or anywhere else to go. I dont have the proper documents.
However, the Sun has called the Home Office and learnt that there is no reason why Bakri cannot move abroad.
And if he wasnt washing his beard tomorrow, hed go straight away…’
Golden Years
‘ONE man who did escape from these shores is David Beckham.
| ”I want to be alone” |
What then happened to the man who was deported from Manchester United to Spain by his then owners has for some time been the stuff of rumour and urban legend.
Did he really date a girl who pleasured a pig on the telly? Did he really cheat on his multi-talented wife? Did he really get a revolting, huge green tattoo on his neck?
So much has been written about the one who got away that its high time the Mirror got on the case and discovered the truth. And in the papers front-page story (BECKHAM: NO REGRETS) thats what were going to get.
Inside the paper, the story has changed to BECKS: THE TRUTH, but the impact is still nothing less than sensational as we hear what happened to the nice man we once adored.
Im not addicted to fame, says he over a double-page spread. There are times when I wish to be left alone. But Im in this life and nothing is going to change.
Only just as soon as his playing carer ends, surely it will change. Everything changes. Day-vids hair changes. His PA changes. Even his tattoos will one day start to sag a little.
But Dave is still talking and hes returning to the theme of fame.
Im not addicted to fame, he says for second time. I dont love my picture being everywhere, but Im at the level where I cant do anything about it.
It must be hard. Are you trapped?
If I go to the shop and buy a couple of oranges, its on the front page of the newspaper, says Dave. If I speak Spanish, its headline news on Sky. What jeans am I wearing? What car am I driving?
Whoaah! Steady on, Dave, one question at a time. And to answer them, well have to ask your sponsors.
But its point taken. So, why not try living the simple life for bit and just getting on with your job?
No. Duh! Not playing football. Being Mr Posh Spice…’
Ice Storm
‘IF David Beckham wants so be alone and Omar Bakri Mohammed is looking for new country in which to settle, may we suggest they both head to Greenland.
| ”Try not to worry, girls, dad says Beckham can’t shoot for toffee” |
The local football team could do with the injection of fresh talent and, as entertaining as snow falling is, the Islamic cleric might get a bigger audience for his one-man show.
Only, theyll have to move quickly to avoid the rush because, the Express says, tourists will soon be flocking to the frozen land, paying £10,000 for the chance to shoot polar bears.
Under current legislation, only residents of the frozen country can shoot the bears, but the local tourist board has plans to change the rules.
This is not to everyones liking. And besides the bears being less than pleased with the proposed change in the law, people like Peter Anderson, a spokesman for the League Against Cruel Sports, says that the authorities are ignoring the rights of the polar bear.
But others see an opportunity. And it might not be too long before British hunters are pulling on their jodhpurs and red coats, summoning their dogs and boarding planes to the worlds largest island.
Tally ho! as they will soon be saying in downtown Nuuk. Death to the infidels!’
Dirty Harry
‘IN response to the statement Prince Harry has now apologised and that should be an end to the matter, 89% of those polled by the Sun said they agreed with it.
| ”By the far right, quick march” |
Which means – as even Prince Harry could work out (with little or no help from his art teacher) – 11% of us think the matter should rumble on.
And never let it be said that the Sun ignores the minorities – whether they be native, colonial or royal – as it brings us the front-page headline: SWILLS AND HARRY.
In it, readers learn that Harrys dad, angry Charles, has ordered his youngest son to make amends for his Nazi fancy dress shame by mucking out the pigs on his farm.
Says a Royal source: His father thought a few days getting his hands dirty might focus his mind.
But what will those 11% make of it? Well, as luck has it, many of this group work for the press, and over in the Express, Vanessa Feltz (Prince Prat Is The Final Royal Insult) is upset.
Given that headline, we pretty much know what to expect in the article, which calls Harry a lucky sperm and hears one former Royal aide call Harry stupid and his circle of friends revolting.
And the Mirrors Tony Parsons is also one of the 11% minority, telling the world how Harrys antics epitomise his belief that the Royals are doomed.
The list of words used to describe Prince Harry in the Express is now extended in the Mirror to include braying, upper-class twit and thick little sod.
And whats more, the ginger (one of our own descriptive words there) Prince might just have cost London its chance of staging the 2012 Olympic Games.
Most of us could not care where the event is staged, but the Mirror is sticking with todays theme of talking to the minority and reveals that Olympic fans may pay the price for the thicko Princes stupidity.
And coming on top of the Queens alleged comments that Paris was the better city, it spells bad news for London mayor Ken Livingstone and anyone else who backs the London bid.
Of course, one way round it would be to follow Harrys example. So, down to your local fancy dress shop, put on your Nazi gear and take the ferry to France and the fight to the French.
The Games are afoot, as a fan of Harry once put it…’
