Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Mother Superior
‘WITH the monarchy in such a sorry state, Her Majesty might like to consider creating a new heir.
| ”Now where did I leave that baby…?” |
Charles is as popular with the general public as a Nazi at a fancy dress party, Williams soppy grin is entirely unsuited to stamps and coins and Harry is too stupid to know where to put the crown.
And with the Queens own children all good for nothing, the temptation is there to cull the lot in a horse and hounds chase and start again.
And the good news is that this regeneration programme wont even need Phils input, for Liz can do as Adriana Iliescu has done and use anonymously donated sperm to become the worlds oldest new mother at 66 years of age.
As the Express reports, Iliescu had originally been expecting triplets, but one died after two and a half months, another also died in the womb, leaving the third, a girl called Eliza Maria, to be born into history.
Although delivered six weeks premature by caesarean section, the 3lb baby is said to be in perfect health. As is her mother.
Nothing can describe how happy I feel, says mum. She goes on: A woman who has not had a child has not led a complete life. One of the reasons for being on Earth is to give birth.
Another is for the Queen to provide her country with an heir.
So, come on Liz, the job is there to be done, the record is there to be broken.
If you can get a decent donor James Hewitt and Will Carling are just two of your many options Britain can once again be proud of the Windsors…’
Busting Up
‘WHEN Busted said theyd be around in the year 3000, we believed them.
| A face only a desperate wannabe could love |
Sure, only Cliff Richard would be there to applaud their longevity, but with their amazing talent, they would be rocking the crowds well into the next millennia.
But then they split up. We whod bought tickets for Wembley 3005 were disappointed, and a little angry.
But our dark mood is mollified by todays news that the bands James Bourne has now been dumped by his girlfriend, Kara Tointon.
James hes the one with the sarcastic expression permanently writ across his fishy face – was dumped over the phone.
The story goes that at first he was upset but, on hearing why the actress chucked him, he became furious she dumped him because he was no longer in the band and she therefore no longer had any use of him.
But if James wants a new career, he seems entirely suited to the job of sperm donating. And with the Queen possibly looking to breed, he might yet see his star rise again.’
Fuhrer Fury
‘JUDGING by the overblown reaction of the tabloid press to Prince Harrys Nazi outfit, you would have thought he was personally responsible for gassing six million Jews.
| ”I will not gas Jews. I will not gas Jews, I…” |
Indeed, had he spent his gap year stoking the furnaces at Auschwitz, it is hard to believe he would have been given a tougher time of it.
The Mail, for instance, devotes its first ELEVEN pages to the story and the manufactured outrage that it has caused.
Tory leader Michael Howard insists that the 20-year-old prince issue a televised apology; former Armed Forces minister Doug Henderson wants him thrown out of Sandhurst; and the rest of us, it seems, wants him put against a wall and shot.
As it is, the Sun says Prince Charles was incandescent with rage when he heard what his youngest son wore to last weekends party.
And he is has ordered both Harry and William to pay a private visit to Auschwitz and to watch Stephen Spielbergs Schindlers List.
However, thats not good enough for the professional grouses, who wont be happy until they see the Prince in the stocks something his dad refuses to countenance.
I will not have him pilloried in public, Prince Charles apparently insisted to a senior aide (cum toothbrush loader). He has apologised. There is no need to grovel.
Indeed not, but as the world splashes the Suns picture of Harry in his Afrika Korps uniform on its various front pages, the Star insists it could have been worse.
Apparently, Harry had ordered an SS uniform from Mauds Cotswold Costumes but they didnt have one in his size.
And a royal watcher tells the paper: The desert outfit was bad enough with its swastika emblem on the sleeve but this would have been something else.
The SS are historys most hated group of men, and murdered millions of innocent men, women and children.
To treat this as the subject of a joke shows he doesnt have the judgement to serve as an army officer. Its idiocy of a degree weve not seen from a royal.
He clearly never saw Prince Edwards performance in Its A Royal Knockout…’
The Price Of Fame
‘SO outraged are the papers by Prince Harrys behaviour that they have no choice this morning but to publish lots of pictures of his girlfriend Chelsy Davy.
| Caprice’s breasts, like the Titanic, are said to be unsinkable |
She may not be a Nazi or indeed related to a Nazi, but who needs an excuse to shoe-horn a photograph or two of an attractive blonde into the story?
Not the Star, which not content with a picture of the 19-year-old Zimbabwean offers its readers a four-page pull-out of the hottest bods on TV.
But what is the cost of such fame for the likes of Jennifer Ellison, Abi Titmuss and Jordan?
The Star fixes its dirty leer on Californian model Caprice and gets out its calculator.
And it reckons that the 33-year-olds looks are more likely the result of £15,000 worth of plastic surgery than nature.
Viewers of Celebrity Big Brother, it says, have been amazed by her apparent ability to defy gravity.
Whatever she does, it says, her face and boobs dont budge an inch.
Plastic surgeon Professor John Celin pores over pictures of Caprice as she was at 16 and as she is now and agrees.
She was a pretty girl anyway, but shes definitely gorgeous now, he says. Im not too happy with the breasts theyre a bit round but its a good result on the whole.
However, in the interests of science, Prof Celin says he would need to see many more pictures of the semi-naked model before delivering a conclusive diagnosis…’
Boxing Clever
‘SOME women dont need the help of cosmetic surgeons Paris Hiltons talent and beauty would have shone out had she been born plain Paris Travelodge.
| ”C’mon, Skippy, if you think you’re hard enough!” |
And for the latest news of Anoraks favourite hotel-heiress-cum-porn-star, we are indebted to the Mirrors 3am girls.
Apparently, Paris fell in love with a baby kangaroo while filming recently in Queensland, Australia.
And she decided that it would be the perfect addition to a menagerie that already includes a goat, a monkey, a ferret and a Chihuahua.
However, sister Nicky explains that she was persuaded that it wouldnt be a good idea.
She wanted to buy one, but then they told us that kangaroos get as tall as humans and start punching you in the gut.
Now, the Star insists that boxing is the new fitness craze for women following the release of Hilary Swanks new film Million Dollar Baby.
Apparently, Nell McAndrew, Kate Lawler and Lisa IAnson swear by it and Girls Aloud, Danniella Westbrook and Pamela Anderson have all posed in boxing gear.
So, do we see the start of a new celebrity craze? Not only does a kangaroo make an unusual pet, but its a pretty good training partner too…’
Heil Harry!
BRITNEY Spears may be gutted to have lost her crown as the worlds Worst Dressed Woman to Desperate Housewives star Nicollette Sheridan but there’s no contest for the title of Worst Dressed Man.
Prince Harry last night sparked a predictable storm of outrage after he attended a friends birthday party wearing a Nazi uniform.
As if waving a red rag to the tabloid bull, Prince Charless youngest son turned up to the party in West Littleton, Wiltshire, wearing a swastika and desert uniform of Rommels Afrika Corps.
Predictably, some desert rat at the party took a picture of the 20-year-old prince in said outfit and sold it to the Sun, which emblazons it across its front page.
What on earth was Harry thinking of? asks one suddenly very rich party-goer. A senior Royal dressing up as a Nazi for a laugh.
If that is his idea of a joke, it went down like a lead balloon with many. There are a lot of old soldiers who will see these photos of Harry and be outraged.
No-one more so than the Royal Family itself, which (as any student of 20th Century history will know) won the war almost single-handedly.
His great-grandmother, the Queen Mum, will be turning in her grave, shrieks the Sun.
With King George VI, she defied Nazi bombs during the Blitz and inspired this country to defeat Hilters evil Reich.
Of course, what it forgets to mention is that Prince Harrys astonishing Nazi gaffe has Royal pedigree.
Not only is his family of good German stock, but his great-great-uncle Dickie (or King Edward VIII, as he briefly was) was a well-known Nazi sympathiser.
And, far from King George VI and the Queen Mum remaining in London through the Blitz (as the Suns version of history claims), they were spirited away to the safety of the country every evening and brought back in the morning to inspect the devastation the Luftwaffe had wrought.’
Posted: 13th, January 2005 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Talking Through His Hat
‘PRINCE Harry may or may not have had help in his art A-level piece entitled Auschwitz – A Royal Knockout, but does anyone really think that David Beckham can speak Spanish unaided?
| ”Fastnet. North to North-East 4…” |
The Mail is certainly not alone in wondering why the England captain wore a beanie to the Press conference at which he uttered his first public words in his new tongue.
Not that his performance in front of waiting hacks was any more impressive than his recent performances on the pitch.
Its erm la partido con Atletis, er, er, er, was mucho major para todos jugadores, he said. Er, er, er, tenemos, um, siete puntos, er, er, er, mucho major para todos jugadores.
But even that stumbling effort has raised suspicions that he may have had a little help.
The Mail suggests that his woolly hat may have been used to conceal a tiny microphone and earpiece which connected him to a hidden Spanish speaker who helped him with his answers.
When he scratched his head, one person who was at the press conference said, people were laughing that he may have been adjusting a covert microphone because he immediately proceeded to speak a couple of sentences fluently.
However, a Spanish journalist tells the Sun that Real Madrid fans will love him for trying to speak their language.
And so we offer Becks our very own instant Test Message Translator.
Me gusto el sonido del algodon *** *** *** ***** haciendo se mas *** y tu *** todo agradable *** ***.
Or Love the sound of that cotton just *** *** *** ***** getting more *** and your *** all nice *** ***.’
The Spice Girls
‘SHES been a gameshow hostess, a topless model, a pop star and a celebrity dieter, but Geri Halliwell has a new job shes become an escort girl.
| An entertaining dinner companion, Geri will make sure your evening goes with a bang! |
Billionaire Dickie Lugner is paying the former Ginger Spice an absurd £500,000 to be his date at the famous Opera Ball in Vienna.
The 72-year-old, whose previous dates include the Duchess of York, Pamela Anderson, Sofia Loren and Grace Jones, explained: I chose Geri because of her wonderful smile.
We should point out that the £500,000 only buys Geris company for the night. Anything that should happen after the ball is a matter for two consenting adults.
However, with Posh Spices career on the skids and this mornings Mirror reporting that Mel B is desperate for a job as a TV presenter, maybe escorting is the answer.
After all, Spice Girls sounds more like the name of an escort service than it ever did a pop band.
The girls already have pseudonyms under which they can work. Tell me what you want, what you really, really want is the perfect way to break the ice with clients.
And Geri, sorry Ginger, might at last find something that shes good at…’
The Minute Men
‘IT is a truth universally acknowledged that a single pop star not in possession of a record contract is in need of a high-profile spouse.
| ”I will insaniate! Yes, I will insaniate!” |
And so it is that pint-sized Aussie popster Peter Andre was yesterday named as one third of British teenagers’ favourite celebrity couple.
The other two thirds are of course provided by the massive mammaries that go to make up his fiancée, busty model Jordan.
The Star reports that the couple have displaced the Beckhams (another example of the truth of the above axiom) at the top of a survey of more than 20,000 girls aged between 12 and 18.
The publicity-seeking pair (and Peter) are due to get married later this year in a massive Disney-style wedding that will, they say, put the Beckhams’ nuptials to shame.
But what will Peter do after he becomes Mr Katie Price?
Mindful of the example shown by Victoria Beckham and with his own pop career fading faster than his wife after a night on the town, Mr Insania has asked Anorak to help him make plans for the future.
And we think we have already found him the perfect job, with the Mirror reporting that filming on the new BBC series of Dr Who has been hit by ”a shortage of midget actors”.
As the average height for a male actor is only 5ft 1in, this came as something of a surprise to us here at Anorak Towers.
The paper, however, says producers of the cult sci-fi series wanted actors under 4ft to play tiny blue aliens – only to find that most of them had been snapped up by the new Charlie And The Chocolate Factory and Harry Potter films.
”The two big movies have snapped up the talent,” complains an insider. ”It’s been hard to find who we want.”
No longer. Not only do we have every confidence that Peter will make a very good blue alien, but we’re prepared to throw in fellow failed popstar Brian Harvey as well.
Two midgets for the price of one. We can’t say fairer that that…’
Delta Tangoes Romeo
‘NOT so long ago Brian and Kerry McFadden might have expected to see their names at the top of the list of favourite celebrity couples.
| ”You’re dumped!” |
She a popstar without a record contract, he her high-profile spouse.
But no longer – Brian left Kerry heartbroken at the end of last year when he announced that he was calling time on their five-year marriage.
And he admitted having a fling with 20-year-old Aussie singer Delta Goodrem after pictures surfaced of them on holiday in South Africa over New Year.
It’s all too much for Kerry’s foster parents, who this morning brand the ex-Westlife singer an ”absolute bastard” for the way he has treated his estranged wife.
”He’s been portrayed as someone who still cares about Kerry,” Margaret Woodall tells the Sun, ”but he’s a spineless, rotten man.”
Kerry, who has been on anti-depressants since the split and even checked herself in to the Priory clinic, was in tears when she heard the news.
”Finding out was bad enough but the pictures have torn her apart,” says Margaret’s husband Fred.
”She’s a broken woman – we can see it in her eyes. It will be very hard to bounce back.”
If anyone can bounce back, it is big-chested Kerry – and she will be heartened by news in the Mirror that Brian’s relationship with Delta is over before it’s even begun.
A source tells the paper that the former Neighbours star saw the trip to South Africa as a fun holiday and not as the start of a relationship.
”They don’t have a future as a couple,” the source says.
What comes around, it seems, also goes around…’
Having A Ball
‘REVENGE is a dish best served cold and, if Kerry McFadden is looking to get her own back on her cheating husband, then she should follow the example of Mandy Monti.
| ”How many balls will Brian have in a couple of minutes?” |
The jilted blonde was so furious when her 37-year-old boyfriend called time on their relationship that she ripped his balls off – literally.
Monti, who yesterday admitted unlawfully wounding, attacked Jeffrey Jones after he refused to have sex with her.
”A struggle broke out before she was eventually ushered from the house,” Judge Charles James told Liverpool Crown Court.
”She got back in and the couple began wrestling on the ground. She ripped off his shorts and pulled very hard on his left genital leaving him in excruciating pain.”
A drunken party guest found the severed testicle and returned it to Mr Jones with the word: ”Is this yours, mate?”
However, says the Star, doctors were not able to reattach it.
Last night, Professor Nick James, of Birmingham University School of Medicine, said it would have taken ”an almighty feat of strength” to tear off a human testicle.
Time to sharpen your nails and get down to the gym, we think, Kerry…’
Who’s The Daddy?
‘AFTER her success in Strictly Come Dancing, Kate Mitchell has waltzed out of Watford and into a part in the musical Chicago.
| ”You’re old enough to be my baby’s father” |
She should count her lucky stars that shes out of the cesspit of despair that is EastEnders, as viewing figures continue to go into freefall and storylines make about as much sense as a Tory Party election pledge.
Ostensibly Kate has gone to rejoin the police force in Brighton after selling up the nail bar, much to the disappointment of Sam.
After losing everything the Mitchells own, Sam was hoping to rebuild their empire by buying a half share in the nail bar hardly Roman Abramovich stuff, but this is Walford, where owning half a snooker hall makes you a property tycoon.
Without a penny to her name and sleeping on Mintys sofa, Sam decided that she had no choice but take the job in the chip shop that Ian offered her as a joke.
Andy decided to go in and gloat. This is about your level, he scoffed. Well, at least I dont feel as grubby as I did when I was married to you, retorted Sam, showing that you cant keep a good blonde down (unless youre prepared to buy her dinner of course).
Sam is set to infuriate Andy even more when she starts dating Danny Moon, his new employee and rival mockney gangster.
Another resident with a new job this week is Dennis. Den has decided to close Angies Den on the grounds that a club thats open for half a dozen extras twice a week isnt the best money-making opportunity.
Andy has offered to buy the club off Den but hes hoping that Sharon will return to run it one day so hes hoping to keep it as some sort of Miss Piggy mausoleum.
Dennis believes that hes going to be a father soon, however, and is determined to do the right thing by Zoe and work long and hard to provide for his kid.
Zoe is becoming more desperate by the day to make her lie a reality, but Dennis is refusing to sleep with her on the grounds that he doesnt actually fancy or even like her any more.
But fear not, for Den Watts, that most charitable of men, has offered Zoe a way out from her dilemma; hes offered to sleep with her instead so that she can get pregnant.
Strangely, Zoe is less than keen to take him up on his offer. Youre disgustin, she shuddered.
But Zoe is cursed with the Slater genes which means that not only will she develop a predilection for painting herself orange and becoming an alcoholic she also cant say no to anyone who offers to sleep with her.
Den has managed to convince her that, as Dennis father, he has the same DNA as his son and that no-one will be able to tell that the babys grandfather is actually his dad.
As Zoe was brought up thinking her mother was her sister, this sort of twisted logic makes perfect sense to her.
As with the birth of Rosemarys Baby, however, the viewer can only look on in horror as this devil child is spawned.’
A Chorus Of Booze
‘BRITAIN is being turned into a ”revolting and dangerous” place by football-loving ”urban savages” for whom fighting is a way of life.
| ”Oi, get out of my pint!” |
So warns a certain Judge Charles Harris on the front page of this morning’s Express.
And no, he wasn’t talking about the scrap between Newcastle United fan Tony Blair and his neighbour Gordon Brown, a Raith Rovers supporter.
He was talking about ”the substantial proportion of young people today who drink in excess, take drugs and if possible watch football”.
”This,” concludes our bewigged friend, ”reduces you to a state of mindless aggression and you focus on people who you attack or fight or rob.”
Admittedly, watching Steven Gerrard’s back pass or David James’s rash challenge on Thierry Henry in the last minute of England’s Euro 2004 defeat to France was enough to push anyone to violence.
Most of us, however, managed to get through it with no more damage caused than a bruised cushion or a scared cat.
Not so three yobs who went on the rampage that night in Kettering town centre, as a result of which they found themselves in front of Judge Harris yesterday for sentencing.
”People, or people like you, are making the towns of England revolting and dangerous places at night,” the judge told the defendants.
”It is being assisted by legislation to make alcohol available at all times of the day and night.”
Ah, so that’s the problem – it’s the Government’s fault, which is of course why the story makes the front page of the Express.
People in almost every other country in Europe can, it seems, be trusted to have a drink when they want one, but not us here in Britain.
They drink a lot more than us in France, for instance, but they don’t have the same problems with drunkenness and violence associated with binge drinking.
Why not? Perhaps because they don’t have to cram a whole night’s drinking into about two hours?
Just a thought the good judge might like to consider while he’s enjoying a late-night bottle of claret at his holiday house in Provence…’
It Could Be You
‘A SHORT trip down the M1 brings us to Luton County Court where today a judge is expected to deliver an answer to the most expensive pub quiz question in history.
| Behind every great man… |
”Who were the first five regular presenters of the National Lottery show?”
That was the jackpot question asked by Tony Barclay during a pub quiz at the King’s Arm in Bedford on December 2nd 2002.
There was £210 in prize money at stake and (bearded) quiz fanatic David Crane and his No Fear team were sure they knew the answer.
However, the Mail reports, ”when Mr Barclay announced Noel Edmonds as part of the answer, there was mayhem”.
”No Fear had Philip Schofield instead, saying Edmonds hosted only one show and could not be a ‘regular’.”
Mr Barclay refused to back down, Mr Crane accused him of cheating him out of the money, Mr Barclay sued for libel and today – two years, five court appearances and more than £12,500 later – the case is due to reach its conclusion.
For the record, Noel Edmonds hosted the first ever National Lottery show as a celebrity guest presenter.
The first five regular presenters were Anthea Turner, Gordon Kennedy, Dale Winton, Bob Monkhouse and Philip Schofield.
And there’s a bonus point for anyone who can tell us which, if any, of these six still has a career…’
What The Fork?
‘THE new year is already a week and a half old, the newspapers are full of crackpot ways to lose the weight you put on over Christmas and still there’s no sign of Uri Geller.
| ”Can I get up yet?” |
If ever there was a bandwagon for the biggest self-publicist to come out of the Holy Land since Jesus to jump onto, the fad diet industry is surely it.
And with his cutlery-bending pedigree, the principles of the Geller Diet are already in place.
”Breakfast: Rub spoon until it snaps in half. Lunch: Rub fork until it bends out of shape…”
In the meantime, we have to content ourselves with lesser lights like self-publicising hypnotist Paul McKenna, who this week is advising Sun readers on how to think themselves thin.
Billed as ”the most extraordinary slim plan ever”, the diet comprises four main rules – 1) Eat when you’re hungry; 2) Eat what you want; 3) Enjoy every mouthful; and 4) Stop when full.
But if that’s too difficult for you, don’t despair – the Mail has a diet that is even easier to follow.
Devised by German professor and his GP daughter, The Joy Of Laziness argues that sitting on your arse and doing nothing is the key to a longer life.
Dr Peter Axt and Dr Michaela Axt-Gadermann claim that each of us has a limited amount of ‘life energy’ – and the more we use up through exercise and stress, the sooner we will die.
”If you do a lot of sport or are permanently stressed,” they say, ”then your body will produce more free radicals and that is one reason why your life could be shortened.”
That may be one reason that diet guru Dr Robert Atkins in no longer with us.
The Sun says that ”the low-carb expert was notorious for romping with stunners hooked on his rashers-and-burgers regime”.
Lisa Rogak, author of a new biography of the man, says: ”Atkins developed a reputation as being good in bed. A number of women became his patient solely to have sex with him.”
Not so Charlotte Church, who has taken to martial arts and karate chops in a bid to lose weight.
Mum Maria tells the Sun: ”She has tried gyms and finds them boring, so now she has taken up karate and told me she really liked it – although she said it hurt like hell.”
But not as much as it’ll hurt her to realise that she could achieve the same results just by sitting on her former rear of the year and thinking very hard…’
A Cheap Line
‘WE are not sure how we are supposed to react to news that cocaine is now cheaper than a cappuccino.
| ”And would you like a muffin with that?” |
Should we bemoan the high price of coffee, cheer the low price of cocaine or swap our morning macchiato for a couple of lines of Bolivia’s finest?
The Star does not provide us with the answer, merely the facts.
And they are that researchers have found that a gram of cocaine can be bought for £40 and divided into 20 lines – the equivalent of £2 a line.
The price of ecstasy is also plummeting, down 70% over the past decade to only £3.50 a pill. And a rock of crack fell by a fifth over the past year to just £10.
Researchers at the Independent Drugs Monitoring Unit worked day and night to compile the report for a BBC programme called If…Drugs Were Legal – with scarcely a visit to the coffee machine.’
Brad Split
‘CHERCHEZ la femme! News that Brad Pitt’s marriage to Jennifer Aniston has gone the way of so many showbiz unions before it has sparked a predictable hunt for ‘the other woman’.
| Jen got fed up with strangers fondling her husband |
And when ‘the other woman’ comes in the shapely form of Angelina Jolie, that is big news (with even bigger pictures).
The Sun takes Jolie’s word for it that she didn’t have an affair with her hunky co-star on the set of Mr & Mrs Smith, but the Mirror is having none of it.
Armed only with a file of cuttings and a ridiculous amount of self-importance, Jessica Callan, one of the paper’s absurd 3am girls, mounts the case for the prosecution.
”With a justified reputation as a maneater who gets it on with co-stars,” she says, ”Angelina sent a very clear message to Jennifer late last year when she did not deny having a fling with Brad.
”She said: ”I wouldn’t sleep with a married man. I have enough lovers. I don’t need Brad.””
In the Mirror’s eyes, that is the equivalent of a confession.
But the Sun takes her at her word when she says (with echoes of Bill Clinton): ”Shag? No, I did not shag Brad Pitt.”
”Absolutely not,” she continues. ”I have not slept with a co-star.” But I have married two of them…’
Naked Ambition
‘ALL you need to know about this years Celebrity Big Brother is that the shows Germaine Greer always sleeps naked.
|
| Germaine gives Caprice the come on |
That the Express should bury this tantalising gem of information in the centre of a lengthy piece about how this series will be a celebrity bloodbath (we can only hope), is an oversight.
Germaine is a singularly attractive woman who needs no gimmicks – like a models figure (Caprice), a seductive voice (Lisa IAnson) or a pair of what she may terms fuck me shoes – to have men running.
News of her guaranteed nudity should be in the headlines. Its not, and instead we get the Sun celebrating the fact that Greers fellow celeb, busty blonde Brigitte Nielsen, has threatened to take her kit off on air.
Ill be cooking, says the 41DD actress, and then I will lose an item of clothing and keep going until theres a very tasty dish on offer. But would anyone have the stomach to eat it?
However, while the muscular Dane does something experimental with her meatballs, the Star says that Caprice intends to go one better she plans to go for it.
And, yes, it is sex – at least in the Stars fevered mind, as it uses its front page to scream: CELEB BIG BRO: £50k A BONK.
Star readers able to tear their eyes away from a cover shot of Caprice a in leopard print bra and knicker set, and able to read, learn that the shows contestants have been made an offer: Have sex on the show and well give you a £50,000 bonus.
Which begs the questions as to whom Caprice will do her it-ing with? Since we know the American model to be one for the men, her choice seems to be limited.
Theres actor Jeremy Edwards, Happy Mondays shoegazer Bez, a boy band singer called Kenzie (warning: he may be below the age of consent) and John McCririck.
While TVs Mr Tic-Tac McCririck looks at the thrusting blondes firm to soft going and works out the odds on Caprice boosting her bank balance with each of the boys, we consider another option.
Caprice could take one look at the female eunuch and seize an opportunity. And who could blame her..?’
Swear Box
‘HERE now is the great puzzler of the modern age: SO WHAT IS WRONG WITH EASTENDERS?
|
| ‘Any old rubbish? Any old rubbish? Any, any, any old rubbish..?’ |
The Express is not alone is wondering this and asks some the countrys leading experts on soap opera problem-solving to see if they can give a satisfactory answer.
Julie Birchill says it has a lot to do with the smugness of London. Showbiz expert Rick Sky says the plots are dull.
And Howard Jacobson opens up a new line of reasoning, asking: Who on Earth still cares about EastEnders? It began as rubbish, was conceived as rubbish and still is rubbish.
But even erudite and deep-thinking Jacobson must admit that it was better rubbish when Arthur Fowler swept rubbish on the mean and depressing Walford streets.
But while debate rages, the BBC, which produces the show, seems to have cracked the code. The problem might just be that theres not enough swearing.
So, its testing the waters by broadcasting a show which, the Mail says, contains no fewer than 8,000 obscenities, including 3,168 mentions of the f-word and 297 of the c-word.
While many wonder what kind of person is so appalled by swearing as to count each expletive in Jerry Springer The Opera, many viewers are phoning in to complain.
And this is odd since at the time of writing the show has yet to be broadcast on BBC2 on Saturday night at 9pm a time when many of the young it is aimed at will be in pubs calling each other the f-word, c-word and w-word.
Which begs another question – are the great and good guilty of judging before they have seen and heard the evidence?
It appears so as the Mail says that the BBC has received 15,000 complaints, while the Sun adds to that figure another 5,500 people who have voiced their displeasure to Ofcom, the media regulator.
Which might be shock to some, but is encouraging news for the BBC who in a bid to engineer viewers interest in its flagship show may choose to rebrand it as Cockney Wankers.
And stick it on after the watershed, right before the 10 ofuck news…’
Desperate Stuff
‘WHO needs news when you have TV?
|
| The women that launched a thousand features |
Not the papers, which having already shown their obsession with soap and reality telly now cast their eyes on the happenings along Wisteria Lane.
For those of you not in the know, thats where the Desperate Housewives live, and, judging by the slew of stories in todays papers, where desperate journalists work.
Theres one desperate hack in the Mirror, a Damien Fletcher, who, in a piece entitled Well Never Get That Desperate, finds the REAL housewives on that famous street.
Unlike their American counterparts, these girls are most certainly real, something less than buffed and dressed not in suspenders and tanning cream but anoraks, cardigowns and George at Asda.
And if you dont care much for them, there are some more in the Mail, where DESPERATE (BRITISH) HOUSEWIVES talk to another desperate journalist about their uncanny resemblance to the fictional characters.
For uncanny read nothing remotely like, because although Charlotte, Annie, Wendy, Julia and Sharon are women, their apparent desperation seems to centre on a desire to appear in print rather than in the pool boys hammock.
Theyre more like the Suns batch of desperate housewives, who, like those in the Mirror, live in Wisteria Lane and wear bad clothes and unkempt hair.
Expect a reality TV show about them some time soon…’
Gangsters Paradise
‘EASTENDERS and The Bill seem to be embarking on some sort of Wife Swap experiment what with Mark Fowler and Irene now sporting police uniforms and DS Beech now residing in Walford under the alias Johnny Allen. Youd think there was some sort of shortage of mediocre actors going on in London.
| Crying baby |
Johnny Allen has come to Walford to find Jake and Danny Moon, two of Alfies disreputable cousins. Eastenders producers have clearly decided that instead of decent storylines and character development, what we need are yet more two-dimensional Kray-style geezers.
Jake and Danny Moon have fled to Walford after stealing a bag of drugs and money from their boss Johnny Allen. Within a week of arriving theyve broken into Paulines house (to hide said bag), managed to get Spencer arrested (while he was trying to retrieve the bag for them) and stolen Andys car.
Andy got his henchmen to do some digging around into the backgrounds of the Moon cousins using the Whos Whos of Cockney Gangsters we can only assume and discovered that they were employees of one Johnny Allen. Johnny, aka DS Beech, is being lined up as Walfords next Mr Big to replace Andy whos soon to be returned to the Acme School of Acting along with the Ferrieras.
Andys dumped his wife Sam already after he discovered that she was now penniless. Proving that theres a dumb blonde born every minute, Sam was conned out of everything the Mitchells owned by crooked lawyer Marcus Christie who pretended he was raising money for Phil. Sams now reduced to sleeping on Mintys sofa and been forced to appear with no make up and with roots showing to illustrate how shes lost her will to live.
Sams desperately trying to get a job but to date her only work experience consists of lap dancing and spending other peoples money. Perhaps theres an opening at the FA?
Zoe is another lady whos going to be looking for a new home soon once Dennis realises that shes pretending that shes pregnant. Zoes made to fatal mistake of listening to Dirty Dens relationship advice.
It comes as no surprise to anyone that his recipe for a successful relationship is to lie and cheat. He advised Zoe to pretend that she was pregnant when Dennis announced that he was going to leave her for Sharon. It worked but unfortunately for Zoe, Dennis is refusing to sleep with her now, making it impossible for her lie to become a reality.
Rumour has it that Den tricks Zoe into sleeping with him soon although quite how you can trick someone into having sex with them remains to be seen. Perhaps Den has offered to make her an internet star.’
Follow The Leader
‘THE Mirrors news that a David Beckham stalker has been jailed for seven months fills us with a sense of relief.
| Rumours are that the stalker has now followed Day-vid to Madrid |
Its just a wonder that it took so long to apprehend the parasite who has so often been seen hanging off the great mans neck like some irritating tick.
And a surprise that this neer-do-wells name is John Hennigan – an odd name indeed for someone with long black hair and almost unnaturally pert breasts.
But no sooner has one been taken down than another rises to have a go at toppling the Beckhams off their gilded perch.
The Star says that Mel B, aka Scary Spice, has singed a deal to write a book in which she will take revenge on her former Girl Power playmates Geri Halliwell, aka Ginger Spice, and Victoria Beckham, aka John Hennigan.
But while Mel and her publishers talk the book up, we wonder if its really necessary to bother trying to embarrass the two former Spices.
Posh and Ginge seem to have pretty thick skins – a character trait varnished by lashings of make-up and tanning lotion. Their skin is the toughest substance known to man or woman.
Just take a look at the Mirror, where the news is of Geris first-ever solo tour of the UK.
Even singing lessons and an operation to remove nodules from her throat have failed to improve Geris chances of filling any of the 13 dates.
So far none of the venues has sold out, despite the tickets going on sale a month ago.
Such salubrious meccas of musical entertainment as Doncasters Dome and Aberdeens Press & Journal Arena will not be packed to the rafters.
But ever the pro, Geri will play on regardless to her audience of mocking former Spice Girls…’
Fit To Shop
‘IF modern day celebrities are typical women of our time, the Suns news that the average British woman spends £100,000 on clothes in a lifetime seems more than a little spurious.
| Spend it like Beckham |
Indeed, the paper shares our initial doubt as to the validity of this apparent fact and shows a picture of Coleen McLouglin, footballer Wayne Rooneys shopaholic girlfriend, and the qualifier: We said in a lifetime, Coleen, not lunchtime.
But, if weve learnt one thing from the myriad of surveys that pass for tabloid news, it is that they are never wrong and the clear truth is that from the age of 14 a woman spends an average of £124 a month on shoes and clothes.
For the record, based on the 3,000 women polled by an insurance firm, the female shopper forks out £43,000 on tops, £22,000 on shoes, £12,000 on skirts and £19,000 on accessories.
But why? Why is it that women spend this amount on clothes? The obvious answer is that they do not earn any more money and so are forced to make do.
However, the Suns fashion editor thinks the average bill is quite high and blames celebs like Posh and Coleen who have turned buying frocks into an art form.
The Mirror has no such in-house expertise to call upon, so instead solicits the opinion of a psychologist by the name of Christine Webber.
Says she: Women spend in a bid to cheer themselves up or boost self-esteem.
And what better way to do that than trying to look like Her Poshness…’
Brook’s Bond
‘ANYONE who remembers Kelly Brooks stint on TVs The Big Breakfast may wonder what shell make of her lines should she come to marry her lover, Billy Zane?
| All that glitters… |
Even repeating the simplest words from a cue card seemed a task beyond the pneumatic model-turned-presenter-turned-actress as she blundered along.
Of course, she may not be getting married at all because Kelly is refusing to confirm or deny rumours that she and her beau are engaged.
But the Express has a picture of a huge rock on Kellys ring finger, which seems to suggest that she will be one day struggling to repeat what the vicar says as the wedding vows are read aloud in church.
And while the Express speculates on that, the Sun is delighted to announce that anther actress often seen in state of semi-nudity is definitely set to wed.
Coronation Street babe Samia Ghadie is to tie the knot after her lover, Matthew Smith, proposed to her on New Years Day.
It was complete surprise, says Samia, who now sports a £15,000 diamond on her hand.
Which should complement her bridal bikini perfectly…’
Lost At C-List
‘ANTHEA Turner is back!
| Are we in for another Marathon session with our favourite Topic? |
Of course, she never went away – just like many other stars who have stepped back from the limelight, our Anthea has been concentrating on her property portfolio for the past months.
But now with the housing market no longer front-page news and Anthea assured in her choice of modular lounge furniture and rag-roll, shes gone back to what she best at: being Anthea.
But before she can be TVs golden girl once more, she must first get that golden tan and thereby attract the attention of the Anthea-hungry press.
So, there is bronzed Anthea in the Mail, showing off her £3,000 enhanced figure on a beach in sun-kissed Mauritius.
And whats that in her hands? No, its not the delectable Grant Bovey or even an indelible orange trace of her man, but rather a book entitled Diary Of A C-List Celeb.
Not only does the Mail think the books plot worthy of a précis, but it also gives its readers a potted history of the life and times of La Turner.
In case anyone has forgotten, the Mails Page 3 is given over to that romantic tale of how Turner left her husband Peter Powell to be with Bovey, who vacillated between her and his wife Della, the mother of his three children.
The Mail need not have bothered we all know the plot verbatim.
We can no more forget sad Della than we can erase from our minds the image of Bovey and Turner eating chocolate at their OK!-sponsored wedding.
Wisely, the Sun realises this and just has a picture of Anthea, her book, a suggestion of her improved cleavage and the headline: THAT YOUR AUTOBIOGRAPHY, ANTHEA?
The answer is, No, it is not. We know her autobiography to be entitled Fools Rush In, a book which because of unprecedented demand is now temporarily out of stock in most good book shops.
And horribly hard to find in the bad ones…’
