Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
A Miller’s Tale
‘WHILE Anthea Turner sits on a Mauritius beach and selflessly does her bit for the Indian Ocean tourist industry, the Sun wonders how best to press on after the recent devastation.
| ”Wonder what Anthea Turner’s up to?” |
And it seems to be in two minds.
On the papers front-page, the horrors of recent days are now distilled into one unbearable truth: TV CHARLIES MUM FEARED DEAD.
The TV Charlie is TVs Charlie Dimmock, and the sad news is that her mother, Susan Kennedy, has not been heard from since the tsunami struck the Thai resort of Phuket where she and her husband had been staying.
While this is an awful tragedy for the braless TV gardener, it helpfully gives the Sun something to tell readers who like their disasters to come with a celebrity element.
But for those who cant make sense of any of it, even with Dimmocks input, the papers other front-page news is that Jude Law is all set to marry Sienna Miller.
Which means that before we get to Dimmocks beloved mum sensitively splashed over the papers pages six and seven, we get Sienna and Jude on pages four and five.
There, we hear Sienna say: Its all very exciting. And hear from a pal who says the bride-to-be cant stop smiling and that the engagement is now official.
But to keep things in context, and sticking with the Indian Ocean theme, we also hear that Jude took his children to the Seychelles on Boxing Day to tell them that daddy is marrying a new mummy.
And as soon as we have learnt of the nippers reaction to that news and their views on the regions turmoil, the Sun will let us know…’
Ladies Who Lunch
‘WAYS to embarrass your children No. 32456b: invade their school canteen.
| ”It might well be orange and sticky, love, but it never did young Anthea Turner any harm” |
THE Mails story of the school dinner rebels has not a word to quote from any of the pupils at St Pauls Church of England School, North London.
This is no story of how the children rebelled, of how the oppressed ankle-biters stormed the kitchens and demanded that the soggy cabbage and tasteless swede be replaced with burgers, chips and fudge.
This is a tale in which mother-of-two Natasha Seery formed a food committee in a bid to improve food standards at her son Milos school.
She is by her own token quite careful about what she feeds her little loves and has been trying to get details of how the food sploshed out to her child who, under mums direction, stopped eating the schools grub last year is sourced.
Receiving no satisfactory answer from the local authorities, Seery and her group voted to enter the school kitchens and look in the freezers.
And what they found astounded them.
According to Helen Tindale, whose daughter Mell attends the school, there were no fresh ingredients at all.
All the meat, she said, was reconstituted and there were bags of frozen mutton and other products.
In fact, all the food in the freezer was, well, frozen. Which clearly wont do at all…’
Happy Days
‘HAPPY New Year to you all!
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| Your donations have made this brown boy smile again |
Unless you are a Daily Mail reader, of course, in which case, our deepest condolences to you on this sad day.
Why sad? Well, in case you havent perused todays edition yet, heres a taste of whats in store.
Starting, in traditional fashion, with the back pages, we have VAUGHANS AGONY. Yes, he might have captained England to eight successive Test wins and a moral victory in the ninth, but the Mail has decided to concentrate on the skippers batting blip.
Moving swiftly past Winter sickness virus: what you must know to the columnists, we find the customary think-piece reflecting on the festive season.
AT LAST! gasps Neil Lyndon, and the Mails customary paragraph-length sub-heading explains the reason for his relief: As millions return to work after two weeks of family rows and gluttony, why DO we inflict such misery on ourselves?
Stephen Glovers is feeling grumpy on Page 15. Why should WE pay for Des OConnors dinner? he fumes. But we dont have time to read beyond the headline…
Bank chaos as computer crashes. No explanation necessary there…
Lakeland guided walks face axe for being too white and middle-class (Political correctness gone mad)…
Flick, flick, flick… It must be here somewhere…
Ah yes. Page 4: A three-year rollercoaster ride ahead on house prices.
But surely rollercoasters go up as well as down, so it cant be all bad news? Yes, but that ignores the biggest bad-news story of all…
Home-owners in the Far East have experienced a downturn that the papers editor can only dream about, but even he has baulked at using that angle.
Instead, the front page announces the BRITISH DEATH TOLL in huge letters (so big that it hasnt got room to describe them as homeowners), and has a pop at Tony Blair for not cutting short his holiday sorry, his two weeks of family rows and gluttony.
Still, they do manage to squeeze in one good-news story. At the foot of the page is a strap-line announcing: The smile that shows your money is making a difference already.
Next to it is a picture of a smiling girl with a dark skin and a food package. No, shes not an asylum seeker, and unlike Des OConnor, she appears to be a popular recipient of Mail readers hard-earned cash.
Thats because she is a beneficiary of the papers appeal. Of course, the paper hasnt got room to thank all the generous donors, but it has found room for a special ROLL OF HONOUR, listing the major donors.
Here we find such publicity-shy figures as Alex Best, Sadie Frost, Simon Cowell and Sheikh Abu Hamza, who is donating all money earned from his role as Captain Hook at the Finsbury Mosques annual panto.
And a big mention too for Vodafone, Debenhams and the Britannia and Abbey National Building Societies.
God bless you, every one.’
Wishing On A Star
‘HES an icon in the Far East, says the Star, and top Thais believe he could offer a glimmer of hope amid the horror and suffering.
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| Let the chanting begin |
Not Buddha, stupid. The other hairless icon – Becks.
The saintly star is heading east to comfort bereaved children and remind the world the devastated countries still need the wealth that tourists bring.
Well, its the least he can do after failing to appear on the Mails Roll of Honour.
Both Becks and his wife Victoria, 30, are huge stars across the Far East, where their selling power is worth millions, explains the Star.
The chairman of the Thai Australian Friendship Commission agrees. Thailand loves David Beckham, he says. Every second person tries to look like David Beckham.
The other 50 per cent aspire to emulate our other great spiritual leader, Charles Windsor, of course.
But needless to say, in these mean-spirited republican times, the paper makes no mention of that uncomfortable fact.’
Bedding In
‘SUN NIL, announces the Sun, and for once it has a good excuse for crow-barring its name into a headline.
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| John Terry |
The paper reports that Chelsea Football Club recently asked its hard-working, under-paid players if there was anything extra they required.
All answered: World peace, justice, respect for all cultures and creeds, and sunbeds in our new training centre at Cobham.
The club is understood to have agreed to their request, and phase one the sunbeds will be implemented as a top priority.
The paper prints a picture of John Terry and Frank Lampard as they might look after a session. It doesnt say what kind of session, though, so readers must make their own minds.
In case you dont have a copy to hand, the picture has been altered to make both players look very orange.
Both are grinning like idiots and John Terry appears to have a bruise on his forehead.
Dangerous things, those night-club sunbeds.’
From A Little Acorn…
‘FROM Katie Price and her gargantuan Jordans to pint-sized Peter Andre and his little acorn, 2004 was the year when reality TV began its slow slide into a TV footnote.
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| ‘First, measure out 5 fluid ounces of pig semen…’ |
The Australian Acorn released a single, Jordan threatened to release her doubles, and the world released a gasp as Big Brothers Nadia unhooked her bra and finally let on that she was once a man.
The self-styled lip-gloss bitch had once been Jorge, a man just like those macho Jungle Cats.
Who can forget Ahmed (?), the snaggle-toothed refugee who gave us reason to wonder about this countrys immigration policy, and his mentor Jason, a man whose purpose in life was to play the eponymous hero in the Rocky Horror Show at the Macduff Arts Centre?
But while we lost sight of them, Nadia grew. Like Pete Andre, Nadia too saw reality TV as a springboard to pop stardom. From Top of The Swaps to Top of The Pops and her debut single.
A duet with Kerry McPadding is surely on the cards for our Nadia, as the jungle Queen emeritus looks for a new partner (for more on that read on).
And then Nadia and Kerry can appear on Back To Reality 2 – along with James Hewitt, the former lover of Princess Diana, wholl be keen to defend the crown he won on the inaugural show.
Hewitt beat off the challenge of Craig Phillips, the Big Brother chippy who sounds as if hes drowning in his own saliva, Nasty Nick Bateman, Fat Jade Goody, and Huge Rik Waller.
Gordon Ramsay, at least, should just be thankful that Waller didnt get into his Hells Kitchen.
Those self-serving diners in his faux eatery had enough trouble keeping their food down as they smiled to camera and nattered with Angus Deayton without Wellers massive barrier to digestion.
For the record the menu du jour in Gordons kitchen now follows:
Appetiser:
Jennifer Ellisons suggestive servings;
Matt Gosss sour grapes
Entrees:
Soused Amanda Barrie on a (sick) bed of Roger Cook;
Edwina Currie and James Dreyfus mince with Dwaine Chambers secret additives
(Bit on the) Side Order:
Abi Titmuss;
Stuffed Belindas of Carlisle
Puddings:
Tommy Vance Space Cake;
Al Murray mints
Drinks:
The Villa neuf du pap;
Ramsay, that celebrity chef who, like that other odious reality creation Sharon Osbourne, has made swearing his entire act, might be disappointed that Rebecca Loos was not in his catering crew.
Her pork balls in special sauce are the stuff of legend. Forget the hygiene inspectors, its those Sex Inspectors that might like to study the footage of The Farms Ms Loos tossing off a pig.
Could this be why old David Golden Balls Beckham played so badly in Euro 2004? Did Rebecca put him off his stroke?
It might also account for Day-vids high-pitched squeal of a voice.
What Joe Pasquales reasons are can only be guessed at although Paul Burrell is standing close by and hes wearing a pink-as-pig headband and rubbing some cream into his hands…’
Kerry’s King Abdicates
‘EXCUSE the smudged copy, but the grim news that Queen Kerry not only lost her jungle crown in 2004 but her Bryan too still hurts.
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| ‘It’s vile’ |
Divorce is on the cards for the couple – an incredible thought when just back in February, Mr and Mrs McPudding shot to the top of OK!s Valentine chart of the 20 sexiest, soppiest and smoochiest celebrity pairings.
Their children will be split down the middle – one half of Molly and one half of Lily to each of them – Bryan will become Brian once more and Kerry Tearful of Warrington.
But it was all so pleasant. So amicable. So blameless. So nice. So Max Clifford.
The do-gooder represented them both and was at pains to tell us how Kerry was in bits and Brian was in pieces, while he (Max) was – like Rebecca Looss pet pig – wallowing in so much muck.
Others who will also not be citing irreconcilable PR agents in any divorce court settlement are Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, who failed even to get married before they split.
It was a cold day in January when Ben Affleck and J-Lo could no longer string out their romance.
Having spawned two god-awful films, the phrase conversation smorgasbord and more schmaltz than Katzs New York deli, Bennifer was over.
And once again it was a clean break. There were no shattered lives, no shredded clothes – just the three people who saw Jersey Girl or Gigli at their local cinemas demanding their money back.
So as not to waste all that fish paste from one scuppered wedding extravaganza, however, J-Lo slid the cheese back onto the little wooden sticks and opted for husband No.3, a singer called Marc Anthony.
But how long will it last? Marry in haste, repent at leisure is an adage as true today as it ever was.
For busy Britney Spears the realisation that she married the wrong man took just 12 hours.
After two days of hard partying in Las Vegas, Britney and Jason Allen Alexander, her childhood sweetheart from Louisiana, took a ride to the Little White Wedding Chapel and tied the knot.
Well, it was more of loose bow since moments after saying ‘I do’, Britney recognised her folly and called for an annulment.
Even the recipe for a successful marriage, as written on a card given to the couple by the chapel owners (‘Take two hearts full of love, two cups of friendship and four armfuls of gentleness’), could not save the day.
And once more there was no great pain. Call us callous, but we wanted some. Obligingly, along came Nancy DellOlio and Sven Goran Eriksson.
You can argue about the existence of WMDs, debate the toss on who of Posh, Rebecca Loos and David Beckham was to blame, but there can be no argument that Sven Goran Eriksson is a passionate man.
The way Svens eyes almost flicker and his pupils dilate when England concede a goal, and his Marlon Brando-like post-match interviews in which each of his few words is delivered with maximum thought and a seductive ‘er…’, are among the more obvious signs of his vigour.
Charismatic Sven might talk softly, but he needs to carry a big stick to beat off all the women who come to his door, entranced only by the golden glint of his allure.
Only Sven had not been wielding his stick with as much gusto as he should have been, and we learned that hed been having it offside with the Football Associations favourite perk, Ms Faria Alam.
There is absolutely no truth in this story,’ said Alam as the story broke. ‘I have been shocked by the untrue allegations… I am taking legal advice because I can 100 per cent categorically deny any involvement with the England coach.’
Failing that, shed go on telly and let everyone how Sven considered emptying the dishwasher to be a form of foreplay.
When the final whistle sounded, Sven had dumped Nancy, Nancy had dumped Sven and Faria had swapped tops with anyone who wanted to.
Messy maybe – but at least the cups and plates at Svens Swedish lair were clean, dry and in the rightful place.
And then there were Billie Piper and Chris Evans. If ever a loving couple were destined to go the distance it was 38-year-old once-divorced man-about-town Chris and 22-year-old budding actress Billie or so we thought.
Then Jessie Wallace and the lucky ex-copper who scored soaps best babe, Dave Morgan, broke up and Jessie pregnant with their child!
The cause of the split was a story in a Sunday paper, in which Daves friend Winston Rollock had accused Jessie of drinking in the morning, slagging off her co-stars, smoking dope and asking him for sex.
The actress, who plays Kat Moon in the BBC soap, vehemently denied the accusations and was said to be considering suing the papers that voiced them in question for libel.
My mum and my family had to read his lies, that I was offering my body to him, she said. Its vile.
We listened. We looked. We considered the short skirts and troweled-on make-up. We concurred with her observation. Shed made her point well.
They then got back together, and Jessie gave birth to a delightful bouncing baby orange.
Also in 2004, Tom Cruise split from his homophonous actress girlfriend Penelope Cruz and Imran Khan and Jemimas romance went west while he stayed east.
Barbie dumped Ken. Harrison Fords ex-wife, Melissa Mathison, won a £50m payout in their divorce case.
And Posh and Dave considered their options…’
Web Of Disgust
‘THE BBC was right when it told us that everyone was talking about EastEnders – most of us were saying, ‘Isn’t it rubbish?’ and ‘It’s not been the same since Roly left’.
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| Ex-nurse – will tend to your every need |
Even the actors were bored, and set about indulging in the own plot lines.
Weve already heard about La Wallace. But while soaps sex symbol was beached, a frustrated Leslie Grantham was forced to look elsewhere for his thrills.
In the tabloid lexicon, the word ‘pervert’ goes with Internet sex, in the way that ‘bogus’ goes with asylum seeker.
Had the EastEnders star, for instance, cheated on his wife in time-honoured fashion in a hotel room, the papers show of moral outrage would have been shrill but short-lived.
Heck, given Fleet Streets misogynistic reaction to David Beckhams alleged infidelities and the blame attached to his wife, it would probably all have been Mrs Dens fault.
The fact, however, that he used a laptop computer to indulge in sex play over the Internet with a 23-year-old model called Amanda (otherwise known as a 49-year-old mini cab driver called Graham) was ugly news.
The sex sessions with the woman, in which 57-year-old Grantham filmed himself naked, aroused and – during one exchange – sucking his finger, were sordid.
We saw the pictures. And then we stuck our own fingers down our own throats and gagged.
But it wasnt really that explicit small time stuff for a country that had already seen John Leslies home videos.
The too-tall TV presenter aroused interest and a rare passion for the three others who seemed to be in his bedroom.
After a preamble about a nightclub, dancing, and invitations back to Leslies home in suburban Sheen, we learned how ex-basketball pro Jayson Blayde ended up being filmed by Leslie while he frolicked in bed with two women, one of whom was Leslies girlfriend, Abi Titmuss.
I see Johns now presenting himself as a reformed character, said Blayde, but hes kept a stack of pictures and video footage of me in bed without my permission, just to satisfy his own sick lust.
While readers choked on their cornflakes in horror – and then dashed upstairs to see if they could find the video on the web Titmuss hitched up her nurses skirt and flashed her surgical supports.
Sacked from her job as a roving reporter on TV’s Richard & Judy show, Titmuss stuck on a new pair of breasts and scored a job on Channel Slapper.
She then went onto Hells Kitchen, and baked some tarts.
And, indeed, reality TV is where John wanted to go for time – before doing the modern day equivalent of resting between jobs, now known as concentrating on my property portfolio.
And no, it was not to be a salacious version of an old show – Strictly Cum Dancing; Porn Idol; The XXX-Factor etc. – but a stint as a safe pair of hands in the reality show Fashanus Football Challenge.
How do you follow that? Well, Leslie could always hang out with James Hewitt and try not to get arrested for being in possession of a mysterious white powder. Or else go to New Zealand.
In days of yore, Britain used to export what passed for civilised society, fuelled by tea served with Sheffield steel spoons. Now we export celebrities.
As Posh ventured forth into the unknown on a mission to bring pap and just a soupcon of fairy dust to the darkest corner of a Madrid dress shop, we heard Michael Barrymore, who now lives in New Zealand, telling his local fans, Flossy and Dolly, that ‘I’ll do whatever I have to in order to get the money’.
This mind-boggling statement came to light amid news that the non-swimming entertainer has filed for bankruptcy after receiving a £1.4m tax bill.
I’ll fill out the Burger King application form with no embarrassment at all,’ said he.
And what would we do if he did? Why, create a reality TV show based in a fast food restaurant, naturally, with Posh on sour pickles, Leslie on baps, Titmuss on anything and the rest of us growing increasingly bilious on a flabby diet of coke, plastic and more pap…’
England Expects…
‘IT’S only a couple of days since Keeley was welcomed into the ranks of Page 3 stunnas, but already she’s been pressed into front-line service.
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| ‘Mum was right – it does make your arms fall off’ |
And her mission could hardly be any more vital – for it is to defend the very institution she now represents with such gusto.
‘Navy Bans Page 3,’ screams the Sun on its front page, beside a picture of the 18-year-old from Bromley in Kent looking suitably shipshape and Bristol fashion.
And indeed her bristols are proudly on parade inside the paper where we learn that Keeley and her fellow ratings have been sunk by a new code of conduct called Diversity, Equality & You.
‘The code,’ it explains, ‘FORBIDS displaying ‘sexually suggestive’ pictures and posters in case shipmates are offended.
‘It PREVENTS personnel – including women – from boasting about their sexual conquests or performances between the sheets.
‘And it SCUPPERS quizzing anybody else about their sex lives or sending saucy texts and emails.’
The Sun’s response has been immediate and devastating – it has launched a broadside at the author of the ban, Lord Vice-Admiral Sir James Burnell-Nugent.
SPHIZZ! Keeley lets rip with her twin torpedoes.
THHPOK! Zoe takes careful aim with her deadly Exocets.
BLAMMM! Nicola T launches her bunker busters.
But still the Navy stands firm.
‘The pin-ups do include Page 3 girls,’ an MoD spokesman said, ‘although we are not saying there is anything smutty about them. But we want to avoid offending anyone in the workplace.’
However, the Sun says Lord Nelson would be spinning in his grave if he knew what his successors were planning.
Major General Ken Perkins, the paper’s military adviser, says soldiers the world over stick pin-ups above their bed.
‘Lord Nelson,’ he added, ‘would have chucked Diversity, Equality & You overboard in a lead-weighted bag.’
After all, he may have only one arm, but he had to have something to do with it…’
Publish And Be Damned
‘KIMBERLY Quinn may have a man in every port (and a few inland to boot), but the Spectator publisher is not subject to Naval regulations.
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| ‘Seven figures? There were far more than that’ |
And if she wants to boast about her sexual conquests and performance between the sheets in a book, she is perfectly free to do so.
What is more, she is likely to receive a seven-figure sum for spilling the beans on her affairs with ex-Home Secretary David Blunkett, Guardian columnist Simon Hoggart and others.
The Mail claims the 44-year-old American has kept a detailed record of her three-year relationship with Blunkett and friends say its publication could bang the final nail into the coffin of his political career.
‘Her camp are encouraging her to pull the trigger,’ a friend says. ‘She is aware that she might hurt herself further by doing this, but what more can Blunkett throw at her?’
Cuckolded husband Stephen Quinn, however, insists that his wife has no intention of going into print.
‘She kept no diary, she took no notes, she has no tapes,’ he said. ‘She will never publish anything about this. It would bring humiliation on me, on Kimberly, on the children.
‘I could think of nothing more despicable.’
Expect the book to hit the shops, then, in about April next year…’
Girl Power
‘IT is hard, not to say painful, to remember a time when Tony Blair wasn’t our leader.
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| An artist’s impression of one of the women |
The rictus grin, the frown of sincerity, the hand of history – all are so burned into our national consciousness that it is hard to believe there was life before Blair.
But there was – the Express has archaeological evidence to attest to the fact that Britain was once ruled by a tribe of women warriors.
The ancient remains of what historians believe could be the ancestors of Girls Aloud were discovered just off the M6 near Penrith.
Both women were burnt on pyres with their military equipment by their side.
One of the women was discovered with the burnt remnants of animals, bone veneer, a sword scabbard and red pottery.
The other was buried with just a handbag…’
Get Carter
‘ITS nearly Christmas so its appropriate that a big red fat man may be returning to Walford.
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| ‘Gary Beadlie, I’m arresting you for crimes against acting’ |
Marcus, the Mitchell family retainer, turned up on Sams doorstep to say that Phil was in trouble and needed money urgently; hes been on the run for about a year and clearly the panto work has dried up.
Sam swiftly set about selling the Mitchell family assets off in a large scale Christmas sale. The Arches have gone to Ian and the Vic is about to be sold off to Den.
Marcus has reluctantly agreed to let Sam accompany him to his meeting with Phil. I have to warn you though, said Marcus, a year on the run hasnt been kind to Phil. You may not recognise him.
As Sam Mitchell has had a head transplant herself, its unlikely that that will bother her.
More East End gansta bover for Andy, Paul and the originally named Carter (someones been watching far too many Michael Caine films).
Andy has been using Paul as a drugs mule – which is apt given his donkey-like acting skills. So impressed is Andy with Pauls ability to transport drugs from one side of the Square to another, that hes offered him a part in a big drugs deal with this Carter.
Unfortunately for Paul, his criminal activities have come to the attention of someone else: the Metropolitan Police.
The Walford drugs squad brought Paul in and offered him a deal; if he grassed up Andy then hed not go to prison for possession.
It doesnt take much to make Paul turn grass remember how quickly he fingered Janine (so to speak) and before long he was singing away like an X-Factor contestant.
Pauls troubles are far from over, however, as Andy and Carter realised that the police were waiting for them and called off the drugs deal.
Rumour has it that Paul is about to be written out of Walford when Andy puts a contract out on him thatll be the only contract Paul ever sees again from the BBC.
Elsewhere in Walford, the Shannisgate affair rumbles on and on. Dennis and Sharon have now decided that theyre going to leave the Square so that they can be togeff-er.
Dennis has asked Andy to lend him two thousand pounds for him and Sharon to start a new life. Two thousand pounds for a new life?? Where are they planning on moving to? The Eldorado set?’
Sex Change
‘IF it wasnt for the fact that todays Page 3 girl, 22-year-old Nikkala from Middlesex, is wearing nothing above the waist, we might have mistaken her for a man.
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| David Beckham |
That is not meant as an insult to young Nikkala, who is as pert and as perky as a woman should be.
But such is the blurring of traditional distinctions between men and women that its sometimes hard to tell the difference these days.
And its going to become even harder over the course of the next decade, says the Express, as men become more feminised and women become more masculine.
A report by consumer analysts Datamonitor predicts that men will take on an increasingly active role in parenting, increase their interest in fashion and develop their own beauty regimes (including having plastic surgery).
At the same time, women will spend more time at work or college rather than staying at home and will soon be drinking their male colleagues under the table.
As evidence of this trend, this mornings Sun reports that actress Kelly Brook recently enjoyed a girls night out in Stringfellows ogling female lap-dancers.
Club boss (and amateur sociologist) Peter Stringfellow says this is quite normal.
All beautiful women are fascinated by other beauties because they can relate to each other and relax and chat, he says. Kelly and the girls got on really well.
One woman who wont be spending this Christmas ogling other womens breasts, however, is Victoria Beckham.
The Mail says the fashion worlds latest recruit has banned cleavages at tomorrow nights christening of sons Brooklyn and Romeo.
However, the insistence on modest attire is apparently not motivated by religion but by the fact that pregnant Victoria is feeling insecure about her body.
The last thing she would want is some of her more glamorous friends appearing dolled up to the nines, a guest explains.
It is her big event and she wants to be the star of the show. She doesnt want to be made to feel uncomfortably drab compared to people like Elizabeth Hurley or even Wayne Rooneys girlfriend Coleen.
After all, if she wants to see a bunch of tits, she can go to Stringfellows or just look around at the other guests in the room…’
Bare Trap
‘IT would be hard to mistake the ubiquitous Jennifer Ellison for anything other than the busty blonde Scouse girl she is.
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| Hair and body by Photoshop |
For the removal of any doubt, the former Brookside babe is usually to be seen posing in her underwear or an ill-fitting bikini.
However, she draws the line at posing nude and, says the Mirror, is furious that mens magazine Maxim has apparently airbrushed shots of her to make her appear so.
JENN NAKED! screams the magazines front cover beside a picture of Ms Ellison tastefully covering her more private of private parts.
Im fuming, she says. What they have done is take the bikini off me and made a whole new centrepiece of my body. Theyve just airbrushed the whole thing out.
What is more, Jen is not happy with the naked flesh so exposed.
Its awful theyre not my boobs either.
And she should know she paid good money for them…’
Posted: 22nd, December 2004 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)
I Am Mr Benn
‘AS if by magic, the shopkeeper is to reappear after 35 years.
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| ‘Will my tits look big in this?’ |
The Sun reports that the first new Mr Benn episode since 1970 will be broadcast on New Years Day on Nickelodeons kids channel Nick Jr.
Only 13 episodes were originally made of the programme, each one of which saw Mr Benn try on an outfit in a costume shop and be transported into a different world.
It was recently voted the sixth favourite childrens show of all time.
And creator David McKee says we can now expect to see more new episodes and maybe even a Hollywood movie.
I wrote the story after watching Gladiator, he says. I thought it was a bit violent and Mr Benn wouldnt like it at all.
So, well see him do his best to stop the fighting and save Romans from the lions.
The new episode will use the same voices as the original; the shop will be the same and Mr Benn will still be living on Festive Road.
But expect to see the black suit replaced by a singlet top and sarong and the bowler hat by a bandana…’
Making It Big
‘HISTORY is littered with the unremembered and unlamented corpses of those who failed to spot the early signs of greatness.
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| Teacher’s pet |
Albert Einstein was famously told by his headmaster that he would never amount to much; the Beatles were rejected by Decca on the grounds that guitar bands were on their way out; while JK Rowlings first Harry Potter book was repeatedly turned down by publishers before Bloomsbury took it up.
To that list we can now add the name of 18-year-old Keeley, winner of the Suns Page 3 Idol.
She was apparently told by a ‘cruel’ teacher that she would never realise her dream of appearing on the famous page in British newspapers because her breasts were not big enough.
I have wanted to be a Page 3 model from the age of 16, reveals Keeley.
I remember telling an art teacher about my ambition. She told me I couldnt because my boobs were too small.
It was a terrible thing to say. I think teachers should be more encouraging but it made me more determined to be a model.
Boyfriend, 21-year-old plumber Jamie, knew of Keeleys ambition and sent in pictures of her 34-26-36 figure to Britains best-selling daily newspaper.
The rest, as they say, is history…
But not everyone has Keeleys natural abilities and steely determination to overcome the obstacles that life throws in our way.
Some people look to the surgeons knife for a boost and the Sun reports on the tragic story of 34-yer-old mum Lea Walker who has spent more than £40,000 boosting her boobs by 12 sizes.
The sex shop worker has gone from a 30AA to a 30M in a series of operations.
So desperate was she for mammoth mammaries that she even sold her house to pay for the last two operations and moved back in with her parents.
However, psychologists think Lea looks a freak and fear for her mental state.
She is probably sad and insecure, says Ros Taylor, and has been foolish.
The women Ive seen who want really big breasts have had serious psychological problems, advises Sun doctor Carol Copper.
And Sinead Desmond, the papers deputy womens editor, is prepared to wager her cherished shoe collection that, despite her protestations to the contrary, Lea is deeply unhappy.
So, why would she have had it done? What could have encouraged her to do mutilate herself in this way?
Its not like theres anyone offering money to impressionable young women to strip off and bare their breasts, is there?’
Mounting Casualties
‘OLD Mr Anorak has asked us to release the following statement.
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| Behind You! |
Newspaper reports in this mornings newspapers linking me with Kimberly Quinn are quite vile, he says.
I am a happily married man and I am consulting my lawyers over these untrue and deeply upsetting allegations.
Oh, okay, so I did sleep with her, but only occasionally and only in a couple of different positions and always with the light out.
Kimberly Quinn is fast turning into a marginally less deadly version of Harold Shipman the number of old men who have become her victims grows by the day.
While this mornings Mail asks So was there a fourth man?, the Star claims to have uncovered a fourth and fifth.
One mystery man is said to be a well-known and highly respected married politician, the other a famous figure in TV news broadcasting.
And a sixth a wealthy property tycoon was said to have had difficulty escaping her attentions.
This prompts the Star to follow Anoraks lead and publish a car sticker for its readers, Honk if you HAVENT slept with Blunkos slapper.
It promises to be a quiet day on Britains roads…’
Calendar Boys
‘IF calendar sales are a good indication of popularity, then Robbie Williams unaccountably still holds a special place in the heart of the British public.
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| April 1st |
Kylie Minogue is, according to the Star, the best-seller for the fourth year in a row but Williams is second ahead of the girls from Hollyoaks and the boys from Busted.
But the surprise is that Peter Kay is in fifth place outselling David Beckham and Orlando Bloom with Virgin Megastore bosses saying the Phoenix Nights funnyman is as popular with girls as with boys.
Others in the Top 10 include Jennifer Ellison, who celebrates by posing for the Star in her underwear, Abi Titmuss and Kelly Brook.
Theres no place, however, for Coronation Streets Jimmi Harkishin possibly because his fans tend to just stick the calendar up their shirt and walk out of the shop without paying.
But the news in the Sun is that the man who plays Dirty Dev has been sent by soap bosses to rehab, where he can enjoy reading how he bedded redhead Kim Lee after a five-hour coke binge.
And while on the subject of drugs, Robbie Williams is busy telling the Mirror how hed still be drinking and taking drugs now if they didnt make him fat.
And even more nauseatingly self-obsessed…’
You Dirty Dev-il
‘OKAY, let’s make this a whole lot easier – hands up who HASN’T slept with American millionaire and Spectator publisher Kimberly Quinn.
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| A true professional, Jimmi never forgot his lines |
We notice a hand up there from Guardian columnist and Spectator wine correspondent Simon Hoggart. Oh no, it’s just gone down again.
So, that leaves, what, just three of you. So what’s your secret? How did you escape the clutches of the woman who takes her marriage vows somewhat less seriously than Britney Spears?
What? You’re gay? And you’ve been camping out in the Bolivian jungle for the past three years? Okay, but what about you, man at the back? A Mr Quinn, isn’t it?
As this morning’s Mail delights in the salacious details of the various goings-on at what it dubs the Sextator, the Sun has other fish to fry.
Its front-page exclusive (shared with the Star) may be about as exclusive as Mrs Quinn’s favours, but the news is that Coronation Street’s Jimmi Harkishin is facing the axe.
The man who plays Dirty Dev has been summonsed to a showdown with his bosses on the ITV soap after being caught on camera snorting cocaine.
The revelations in yesterday’s News Of The World come hot on the heels of shoplifting allegations.
And a source tells the Sun: ‘Jimmi has had more lives than a cat. He has to go – he’s history.’
As David Blunkett would no doubt sympathise, a vengeful woman is the author of Harkishin’s undoing.
Busty blonde model Miranda Lipinski, at whose house the actor was snapped snorting the drug, says: ‘It’s about time the public knew about his private life.
‘Jimmi’s life is totally ruled by drugs. He just can’t get enough cocaine. He’s out of control and needs help.’
And what better way to help than to ensure he loses his £100,000-a-year job…’
A Christmas Bash
‘ACTOR takes coke is, as we have observed before, on a par with, say, Kimberly Quinn cheats on her husband or footballers’ Christmas party ends in a brawl.
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| ‘What? I haven’t done you?’ |
And so it is that we have to report to you this morning that Manchester United’s Christmas party ended in, you guessed it, a brawl.
The Sun says fists flew not once but twice during the bash, during which stars including Rio Ferdinand and Wayne Rooney ‘guzzled’ £50,000 of champagne.
‘First a young spotty friend of one of the reserve players, who had been drinking all afternoon, punched Darren Fletcher and knocked him to the floor,’ an onlooker at Manchester’s Prohibition bar says.
‘Darren’s mates joined in to help him – Rio Ferdinand, Wayne Rooney, Gary Neville, Wes Brown.
‘It turned into a scuffle between about eight or ten of them, but was quickly calmed down.’
Later on, trouble flared again when a man in a white suit starting squaring up to Rio Ferdinand.
‘All of a sudden he landed a punch on Rio – and then it all kicked off again. By this time everyone was well-oiled and everybody piled in.’
What Rio said to the unidentified man in the white suit is not divulged.
But one onlooker said the man became upset when the England centre-half started taunting him about never having gone to bed with Kimberly Quinn…’
Jungle Bunnies
‘KERRY McPudding might have lost her husband, her Queen Of The Jungle crown and a couple of stone this year, but she hasn’t lost her ability to make headlines.
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| Fran won’t be the only ex-Westlife bouncer in Spain |
And news is in the Star that the buxom former Atomic Kitten is spending Christmas on a sunshine break with former Westlife bouncer Fran Cosgrave.
‘I get the impression he is quite into her,’ a close friend tells the paper, ‘and wants something more – especially from what Kerry has told me.
‘Fran is smitten but Kerry understandably is reluctant to commit at the moment after all she’s gone through with Brian and her old flame Dan Corsi.’
The Star says Kerry has spent the last two months partying and letting her newly brunette hair down in a bid to cheer herself up.
She’s even booked into The Priory, suffering from emotional exhaustion, fame deprivation and one would suspect a sore back.
But a week in the sun – and the attentions of another veteran of I’m A Celebrity – could be just what she needs to put the bounce back in her chest.
And if they get to relive old times by eating cockroaches and going swimming in a pool of eels, then so much the better…’
Just Desserts
‘CHRISTMAS is coming and many of you will be looking forward to experiencing the sweet taste of citrus as your boss hands you the traditional gift of a slice of ripe, tropical lemon.
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| ‘What am I bid for this self-portrait?’ |
What you do with it is up to you, of course, and we suggest locking it away somewhere safe until you have enough ‘segments’ to make an entire fruit with which to impress yourself and your friends.
Some of you might like to do as the Queen does and suck on the lemon rind for hours at a time, or follow the example set by Her Ma’am and mix the yellow treat with a blend of ‘gin waters’ to make a long life-giving drink.
But whatever you do, do not try to sell it because doing so would be wrong, and if the Royal household is our guide – and it is – a sacking offence.
The Mirror reports that Buckingham Palace worker Ben Church has been unceremoniously dismissed from his job as a property administrator for offering up last year’s gift from the Queen to her staff for sale on the Internet auction site, e-bay.
As a Palace spokesman says: ‘Disciplinary action was taken against a member of staff following an incident where a Christmas pudding was placed on e-bay. There were other supporting documents to show it came from Buckingham Palace.’
And this, as the Mail says, represented a severe breach of security.
In offering the £6.25 pudding for sale with a reserve price of £20, Church might just as well have thrown open the palace gates and let in the terrorists, looters and revolutionaries.
It will not do, and to prove it we armed ourselves with a machete and some dark thoughts about Prince Edward and began to search for the dessert on the world wide web.
We typed in ‘Royal’. We typed in ‘Pudding’. We typed in ‘Fruit’. And lo and behold if we didn’t get an offer to buy Paul Burrell’s soul, put up for sale by the Sun.
Assuming the butler-and-tell merchant is still in possession of this ‘damaged’ asset – and has not lent it out to another for safe-keeping – all we need to take ownership of it is to outbid the current top offer of 2p.
The Sun is keen to sell off this living antiquity, but how keen?
We’re not sure and will hold fire until the offer is upped – after all, what use is a bared soul unless it’s fully dressed in one of Di’s old cocktail dresses and a tiara..?’
Christmas Crackers
‘DESPITE employing some of the world’s foremost investigators, we have yet to unearth the identities of what the Express calls ‘the PC brigade’.
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| A tinsel noose around the neck |
The shadowy brigadier who leads this band of right-on thinkers remains at large. And today we bring news that he has been issuing some shocking new directives to his troops.
First we read in the Express that the new crib at St Martin-in-the-Field church, Trafalgar Square, features not the usual scene of David Beckham and Posh cradling a bay-bee in a barn full of randy pigs and squealing PAs, but a nativity scene ‘representing the world’s ethnic groups’.
The work by Japanese sculptor Tomoaki Suzuki includes Mary, her cuckolded husband Joseph, no fewer than three kings, a donkey and a goat – and ’12 painted limewood carvings to represent the world’s Middle Eastern, Caucasian, African and Asian groups. Which stands before a floating angel’.
The result is ‘outrage’ in some quarters – which seem to consist only of former Shadow Home Secretary and professional shocked citizen Ann Widdecombe, who calls it ‘another victory for political correctness’.
But there is more. And in the same paper we read with horror that the brigadier has banned pupils at Chipping Sodbury School, Gloucestershire, from wearing tinsel on a Christmas non-uniform day.
Headteacher Philip Lidstone tells the pupils in his newsletter: ‘For health and safety reasons, students are not allowed to wear tinsel.’
Why they can wear ties and not tinsel causes one parent to compare the school to the Grinch, the ogre who stole Christmas.
And this is just the tip of a chilly iceberg as the Mail reports on how a quarter of schools will not be holding a carol service this year.
This has less to do with the lack of churches – which, owing to their transubstantiation into bars and the rules on underage drinking, have made them hard to find – and more to do with a ‘move to embrace political correctness’.
So, once again the brigadier and his unmerry men and women have won the day. It’s time to act, to catch these nefarious forces before it is too late…’
Plane Stupid
”DID you pack this bag yourself?’ asks the customs official at the airport. You remember that you’re carrying presents wrapped by others. You hesitate.
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| ‘It’s bin Laden, B-I-N…’ |
And then – Whammo! – you’re on an altogether different flight – this one’s going to a holiday camp in Cuba, where you’ll be living in a small cage with a number of men in orange suits.
So, please take care to study the Sun’s story which reports how travellers at Stansted Airport are being asked to rid their bags of explosive crackers or risk the consequences.
And do not make a joke about it. The Mail describes how 16-year-old Ryan Sherwin’s attempts at gallows humour went awry when he was at Manchester Airport.
As the lad prepared to fly to Malaga with his mum, aunt and 13-year-old cousin for a break, he considered his hand luggage, turned to his aunt and quipped: ‘There better not be a bomb in this or I will get battered.’
Moments later, he was surrounded by armed police and security guards.
Ryan was duly bumped from the flight and told that he and his would never be allowed to fly with the carrier bmibaby again.
Mum was not best pleased. ‘If an adult was walking around saying, ‘I’ve got a bomb in my bag’ then fair enough, arrest him, but my son wasn’t doing that,’ says he.
‘They should be able to spot the difference between terrorists and a child.’
Sadly, that is not always so easy and terrorists rarely advertise their plot to destroy a plane just before boarding it.
It tends to spoil the surprise.’
Who’s The Daddy?
”WHO’S The Daddy?’ asks the Express’s headline. And for once the answer is not David Blunkett.
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| ‘Thong or novelty briefs, Carole?’ |
In truth, we don’t know the answer, only the producers behind an American TV show – which sees a young woman who was adopted at birth look at an eight-strong line-up and try to figure out which man is her father – do.
If she selects her real daddy, the lucky girl will win the equivalent of £50,000 and get to be suddenly very popular with her long lost pop.
This is certainly cutting-edge TV and, although a load of nodding heads line up to damn the show as ‘repulsive’, it represents another chance to watch someone truly suffer, which after all is what reality TV is all about.
And it’s no less or more revolting than some of the other reality TV shows to have made it onto the American networks.
There’s The Littlest Groom, a dating show for dwarves; The Swan, where makeovers include plastic surgery; and an episode of 20/20 where veteran US broadcaster Barbara Walters (think Trevor McDonald in white make-up and wig) allowed five couples to compete to adopt the same child on air.
But the real salacious bit can be found in the Star, where we learn that Carole Caplin is to appear on a reality TV show here in Blighty.
The former topless model, and lifestyle guru to the Blairs, has been signed up to appear on Celebrity Big Brother.
Will Carole do for the Blairs what Paul Burrell has done for the Windsors and drop the occasional hint about life in the big house?
The Express thinks – or is that hopes? – Caplin will spell ‘Big Bother for Blair’, as she tells us about the underpants she chose for him – you know, the ones with the picture of Margaret Thatcher on the front and the words ‘Property of Cherie’ on the back.
But that can wait – you want to know who else will be in the house.
And the Express can tell you the incarcerated celebs will include ‘bereaved mother’ Mandy Allwood, racing pundit John McCirick and goalkeeper-turned prophet David Icke.
And a man with a beard and dog who only wants to be known as ‘daddy’…’
