Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Scaly Creatures
‘IT is a fair bet that the free poster of Star stunna Lucy Pinder wrestling a snake will make its way onto more bedroom walls than a similar shot of Janet Street-Porter.
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| But is Australia ready for Janet? |
The papers this morning show that a joke, like a problem, is best shared as they all crack the very same gag about the toothsome journalists encounter with a snake.
Dont worry, folks, laughs the Sun, the snake survived.
Snakes bite Janet…and THEY survive! chortles the Express.
The snakes survived! giggles the Mail.
But from snakes to dinosaurs and the Sun reports that fossil hunter Gavin Leng has found what he believes are the remains of Britains biggest dinosaur
The 80-foot long monster weighed 50 tons and was two-and-a-half times as long as a double decker bus or approximately the same size as Rik Waller…’
The Day The Music Died
‘SO, bye, bye, En-English pie, Got the chauffeur to drive to Prada, while the husband was away…
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| A face to fall back on |
Yes, folks, if you have to tears to shed, prepare to shed them now for today really is the day the music died.
The Star announces (appropriately, not on Page 1) that Victoria Beckham has called time on her pop career because she has lost the passion for singing.
I know that I could never become the best singer in the world, she says. I am conscious of that.
No, Vicky, dont be so hard on yourself. The only reason you couldnt become the best singer in the world was because you already were the best singer in the world.
Who amongst us could forget, er, that song you did with Dane Bowers and, er, the other one you did?
But the pop worlds loss is the fashion worlds gain as the mother-of-two prepares to launch a second career as a clothes designer.
Everything to do with fashion comes naturally to me, she says. Im living in Spain and I have two sons. This takes up most of my time.
The rest is taken up with design which is my great passion in life.
In fact, so busy is Vicky creating a new range of Comfi-Slax for Anorak that she doesnt have time for such mundane tasks as wheeling a shopping trolley around a supermarket.
The Mirror accuses the former Spice Girl of being too Posh to push as it spots her bodyguard trailing behind her with her (suspiciously empty) trolley.
Dedicated Posh watchers will note that, aside from her bodyguard, she has her three favourite accessories with her her sunglasses, her handbag and her pout.
Some said she had lost it after the allegations about Davids infidelity, but it is definitely back, says the Mirror, and the star is said by friends to be very happy.
And why not? If her fashion career goes the same way as her pop career, at least shell always have the pout to fall back on…’
Shop ‘Til You Drop
‘WE have no doubt that Anoraks new range of Victoria Beckham-designed Comfi-Slax will be as big a success as the classic first range (designed by George, of Asda fame).
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| ‘I need the oxygen of publicity’ |
However, if they are not and La Posh has to look elsewhere for the means to put bread into her shopping trolley chauffeurs mouth, then how about a trip to the Aussie jungle?
There, she could follow in the footsteps of another whose career has all been downhill since she left the all-girl band in which she made her name.
Im A Celebrity… contestant Natalie Appleton, who had broken down in tears within a couple of hours of entering the jungle clearing, yesterday managed to top that by passing out.
The former All Saints singer had to be given oxygen after collapsing in the wake of her first Bushtucker trial.
The Express says 10 million people tuned in to see the 31-year-old mother push a shopping trolley along a tightrope the equivalent of eight double-decker buses above the jungle floor.
I was preparing to eat pus and bugs, she said, when she found out the nature of the task.
My knees have gone to jelly. Do you realise this is really serious for me. Im doing this for my kids. This is my ultimate fear.
No, not heights. Pushing her own shopping trolley…’
Fright Night
‘IF you thought the sight of Janet Street-Porter without make-up was bad, then pity the poor robber who came face to face with a naked Ozzy Osbourne.
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| ‘Stop! Who goes …something or other?’ |
Okay, so the Sun says the masked raider got away with Sharon Osbournes £2m collection of gems, but will that pay for all the therapy hell need after his 4am encounter?
Not only that, but the miscreant was held in a headlock by the 55-year-old rocker before escaping from a 30ft window at the Osbournes Buckinghamshire home.
He was a big strong man, Ozzy told the paper, but at one point I thought I could kill him to stop him hurting Sharon. But then I just let him drop.
The burglar and his accomplice escaped with two gold wedding rings, a 10-carat diamond engagement ring, a 24-carat sapphire ring, a Cartier watch, a diamond necklace and a platinum watch.
And, because they were not in the safe, they are not covered by the household insurance.
No wonder the Osbournes are so keen to track down the thieves.
And Ozzy issued an emotional appeal to Sun readers: I hope they will please help us try and catch these people.
Police say the public should be on the look-out for a man walking around with a limp, a glazed expression and mumbling to himself…’
Nat’s Ticked Off
‘THE Australian doctor who yesterday claimed that woman deal better with pain than men had clearly never come across Natalie Appleton.
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| Crying you, me and everyone else a river |
The former All Saint became the first contestant on this years Im A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here! to break down in tears less than 24 hours into the show.
In fact, the Star says the 31-year-old was already cracking up on the helicopter taking her and her nine fellow contestants to the jungle clearing where some of them will spend part of the next fortnight.
I cant handle it, she sobbed. Ive not slept for two days. I cant be Super Nat. Im not. I cant do it. This isnt me. I dont think I have the strength.
Nat might not have the strength, but her alter ego Super Nat does if only she can summon her up.
Indeed, an accident at birth gave Super Nat superhuman powers that allow her to spend 24 hours in something other than a five-star hotel without turning into a blubbing mess.
Unfortunately, fellow contestant Nancy Sorrell has no superhero alter ego to turn to in moments of crisis and, having entertained her jungle buddies with a version of Cry Me A River, she proceeded to, well, cry them a river.
The Mirror says she was quick to follow Natalie with the waterworks, weeping as she told how she was missing husband Vic Reeves.
I cant ring him, she spluttered. I havent seen him for ages and Im missing him.
All of which must come as something of an embarrassment to Professor Mari Botti, of Deakin University, who chose the very day to publish research suggesting that women cope far better under duress than men.
He studied 100 patients recovering from heart surgery and concluded that women need lower doses of morphine and for less time to cope with the pain after the operation.
And the Mail says the reason may be different perceptions of pain levels.
Women, it concludes, may simply not complain as much as men.
Which makes us very glad that it is the Appleton sisters and not the Appleton brothers…’
Super Carol v O Range Peel
‘NATALIE Appleton is not the only woman with a superhero alter ego – Carol Vorderman has one as well.
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| Agent Orange Peel |
By day, she is a mild-mannered TV genius, famous only for doing sums and flirting with a middle-aged man in a bad tie.
By night, she changes into her Super Carol costume and flies around the world fighting the ongoing battle against orange-peel skin.
Kazaaam! Here she is in the Mail with her crack team of Cellulite Busters, reassuring its readers that this is a curse that even celebrities suffer from.
The detox queen openly admits that she used to have cellulite, the paper says. Not just on the back, either but on the front, too.
Pow! Here she is in the Express inviting its readers to join me in the battle against the dreaded orange-peel skin with my unique day-by-day regime.
Thwock! And here she is in a bookshop near you publicising her new book Carol Vordermans 30-Day Cellulite Plan.
O Range Peel, your days are numbered…’
The Sex Inspectors
‘NEWSPAPER executive Des Kelly is Carol Vordermans Lois Lane and, like Lois, he has no idea of his partners other identity.
| Joyce hated it when Clive read over her shoulder |
But Des is lucky he can enjoy a good nights sleep while Super Carol is busy fighting her arch enemy.
Most of us do not have the same luxury, with almost half of us complaining that we are incompatible with our partner when it comes to sleeping.
Two-thirds complain that their other half keeps them awake by snoring and more than 35% moan that their partner hogs the duvet.
And its not just sleeping – the Mail reports that more than half the country prefer to watch TV or read a book in bed than have sex with or even talk to – their partner.
Luckily, however, help is at hand in the shape of…drum roll…The Sex Inspectors.
The Sun this morning previews the most shocking reality TV series so far, in which six couples had their bedtime activities filmed and analysed for the benefit of Channel 4 viewers.
And the Mirror introduces us to Charlotte Ross and Jamie Gold, the subject of tomorrows first episode when Charlotte has her first ever orgasm on camera.
It felt like I was the only woman in the world who wasnt having orgasms, the 30-year-old says. Now I know that isnt true, so Im sure other people will find the show really useful.
Sex therapist Philip Howard says there is too much pressure on women to have orgasm, which is why so many fake it.
Many sexual positions arent actually designed to help woman reach the heights of passion, he tells the paper, and penetration isnt the ideal way for a women to orgasm.
For more information, Anoraks ground-breaking book The Weevil And The Wheelbarrow is available at all good bookshops, priced £13.99…’
A Father’s Figure
‘NOW that Dennis Watts is back (from suspension), Chrissie and Vicky have decided its time he met Tommy Vickys 43-year-old boyfriend.
| ”Now you know what yer mum saw in Den” |
Es what?!! shouted Den on hearing the news that his daughter was dating someone 25 years older than her.
Chrissie and Vicky both tried to point out that he wasnt exactly one to talk about age gaps as he got Vickys mum pregnant when she was 16 and his current wife is over 15 years younger. But of course its do as I say, not do as I do, for the Squares number one pervert.
Den managed to keep his fists to himself when Tommy came round for lunch and they even shared a moment together, discussing music theyd grown up to.
Den quickly changed his tune though when he discovered that Tommy was planning on going to Thailand on business and taking Vicky with him.
What sort of business you got out there then eh? he snarled at him. Tommy shouldnt take it the wrong way, though given his internet proclivities, Den is probably genuinely interested.
Chrissie has also changed her opinion of Tommy as hes now trying to lure her into bed. You know you want it, he whispered into her ear when the two were alone in Angies Den.
Bizarrely, Chrissie seemed to fall for his charm and the pair had a brief kiss before Den arrived. Mind you, considering the fact that Chrissie is married to Dirty Den, you know you want it is probably the closest shes ever come to a chat-up line.
Chrissies guilt turned to fury though, when Tommy, terrified that shed tell Vicky what had happened managed to convince Vicky that it was Chrissie whod come onto him.
You know what its like when a woman gets to a certain age. Its probably the change, he told a shocked Vicky. Chrissie was determined to show her step-daughter what a rat her boyfriend was and so set up a News of the World style expose.
Chrissie started flirting with Tommy in the Vic. Meet me in the mens loos, she breathed to him – the mens loos of The Queen Vic being of course, the perfect scene for seduction.
Tommy didnt need any convincing and he was stripped down and ready for action before you could say two pickled onions and a micro-waved sausage. Chrissie gently led Vicky into the gents to see her boyfriend stripped naked and this time she had no choice but to believe her.
All men are pigs, Chrissie told a weeping Vicky at home later and she should know.
Elsewhere in Walford, Stacy has managed to get herself sacked from two jobs in as many days; ripping Zoe off on her stall and pouring coffee into Kates bag in the nail salon. A track record to make any Slater proud.
For the want of any decent storylines, the men of Walford have formed a football team called Real Walford, managed bizarrely, by Micky Miller.
Real Walfords performance for their first match was about as inspired and convincing as Englands against Spain.
The Walford boys, however, managed to come away with a victory after a series of dodgy, illegal fouls and dirty tricks. Lets hope Sven was watching.’
(Ab)original Sin
‘SUSPICIONS that the jungle camp on I’m A Celebrity… is little more than an open-air Green Room are reinforced by today’s headline: ‘CELEB CAMP IS DRUG PARADISE.’
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| ‘Whoa! This Fo-Ti-Teng is some good shit’ |
But before Brian Harvey can raise a shaved eyebrow and Sophie Anderton dial the number of her therapist, they should know that the mention of ‘Es’ and ‘Whizz’ to the locals will elicit only blank looks.
The drugs are what the Star’s man on the ground call ‘Aboriginal magic herbs’ and, for those not in the know, the paper has produced a handy cut-out-and-keep wrap-sized menu.
Blue Cypress, a form of marijuana, is given a ‘high rating’ of 9/10. Salvia Divinorum, known in jungle slang as ‘Sage of the Diviners’, scores an 8/10.
But the real pick of the bunch is Australian Fo-Ti-Teng-Ecstasy, with earns an impressive 10/10 for sexual sensation…and produces no side effects.
Readers deprived of such exotic stimulants back home, however, are invited to awaken their acorns by staring at pictures of former lapdancer Nancy Sorrell exposing her chest to the merciless Australian sun.
She does likewise to the equally merciless British Sun, which awards her an impressive 11/10, trouncing the 6/10 it dishes out to Sophie Anderton, whose white chest illuminates the paper’s revered Page 3.
If this were not enough, the Sun says that the show plans some aural arousal this year and contestants will find not only bugs in their beds, but microphones too.
‘We are hoping for some sizzling jungle action following Jordan and Peter’s bedtime antics,’ says a show insider.
‘The celebs can’t get away with covering up their mikes. We will hear everything – and I mean everything.’
Phwoar, indeed. And here’s a seductive clue to what we can expect from Alex Gardiner, the show’s producer: ‘It’s always the most unlikely couple that end up together.’
Mindful of that, look out for Paul Burrell and Janet Street-Porter getting it on. Or what about a steamy clinch between Sophie Anderton and a passing Aborigine?
Or Sophie and Paul – after all, they’ve both had their fair share of problems with Charlie…’
Ear We Go
‘IT is good to see that when the papers talk about schools, they do so in the language of the playground.
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| ‘Kids these days think they have to work for their degree!’ |
Following Prince Charles’s comments about teaching, Education Secretary Charles Clarke has responded in the Mirror by calling the prince ‘very old-fashioned and out-of-time’.
Chances are that the heir to the throne will take such words as a compliment.
But before he dashes off a letter of thanks, the Mail is of the opinion that they symbolise a Labour-led ‘WAR ON CHARLES’.
If so, the Labour Party has chosen its champion well, since, as the Mirror notes, Clarke’s ears are every bit as up for it as his opponent’s.
This leads to the headline: ‘You’re so wrong, Big Ears – SAYS BIG EARS.’ And for the Sun to conjure up the legend: ‘LUGS OF WAR.’
In case you didn’t hear these witty asides the first two times around, the Sun adds: ‘EARS TO YOU, CHARLES – AND EARS TO YOU [CLARKE], TOO!’
But if the Cavalier and the Roundhead are going to fight, they should get on with it – carpe diem, as it were, since we are all about to die.
Well, not all of us, just pupils at St Matthew’s Roman Catholic High School in Moston, Manchester.
There, as the Sun reports, a teacher used her address to the 240 students at morning assembly to say they could all go home early to say their ‘FINAL FAREWELLS’ to their parents.
In ten days’ time, she said, a meteor will smash into Earth, and, specifically, St Matthew’s, destroying everyone and everything in its path.
But after much hysteria and sobbing, the teacher’s headmaster now says it was all ‘an unfortunate set of circumstances’ and the meteor will not arriving.
In fact, it never was on a collision course with Manchester, and was less meteor than metaphor, one used by the teacher to illustrate that we should all make the most of the time we have.
So come on, Clarkey and Windsor, get on with it. If you’re going to fight, let’s rumble. And the rules are simple – first one to box the other’s ears…’
Out Of Juice
‘IF Ricky Gervais earned a penny for every time his alter ego, David Brent, was used to illustrate a story of office life, he’d be rolling in loose change.
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| ‘But there’s a ‘me’ if you search hard enough’ |
So here’s Brent’s image today being employed to enliven a story in the Mail that reveals how messages designed to motivate staff have the opposite effect.
A survey by recruitment firm Office Angels found that peppering your staff with phrases like ‘There’s no ‘i’ in team’, ‘I praise loudly and blame softly’ and ‘I can’t spell success without you’ will brand you as clichéd and patronising.
Whatever the merits of heuristic reciprocal flexibility and so forth and so on, the phrase guaranteed to get your staff into a state of open revolt, the one that takes the pip, is to say ‘J.U.I.C.E’.
If you don’t know what this stands for, you may either be lucky or lacking in motivation. But, for the record, it means: ‘Join Us In Creating Enthusiasm.’
Enthusiasm for what is not specified, but use it enough and it may be for your own murder…’
PC Gone Mad
‘SUCH is Prince Charles’s renewed love of the hand-written letter that we fear he may soon give up speaking completely and only communicate by scribbled notes.
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| Charles introduces Fuchsia to his mum |
But as he sends a short memo to his favourite fuchsia, soliciting her thoughts on organic husbandry and the part Christmas plays in a multi-cultural society, another of his missives is being read aloud at a tribunal hearing in Croydon, South London.
The letter, as featured on the Mail’s front page, is part of Elaine Day’s case for unfair dismissal from his payroll.
She’s claiming sexual discrimination and unfair dismissal from the job she held at Clarence House for the better part of five years.
She complains about being ‘inappropriately touched’ by her boss, assistant private secretary Paul Kefford, and being upset by the ‘elitist, Edwardian-style’ culture within the house.
This Edwardian style is not a reference to Charles’s younger brother Eddie and his penchant for tweed, but rather to the late King Edward VII (1901-1919), who was denied kingly privileges by a domineering mother and scandalized by his own sexual indiscretions.
As such, we who have seen Prince Charles scratch around for a job while mummy sits on the throne and take a mistress in the form of the fragrant Camilla wonder what else Day expected to find.
But the real shocker is the contents of Charles’s letter, which he felt impelled to write after Day had asked if a personal assistant, such as she, with a university degree could train as a private secretary.
Charles’s response, delivered to an aide runs: ‘What is wrong with everyone nowadays? What is it that makes everyone seem to think they are qualified to do things far beyond their technical capabilities?’
Not waiting for any response, Charles goes on: ‘This is all to do with the learning culture in schools.
‘It is a consequence of a child-centred system which admits no failure and tells people they can all be pop stars, High Court Judges, brilliant TV personalities or even more competent heads of state without ever putting in the necessary effort of having natural abilities.’
Get thee to a jungle, indeed.
But Charles is not finished and, in his letter dated March last year, he concludes: ‘What am I to say to say to Elaine in reply? She is so PC it frightens me rigid.’
For anyone as stiff as the Prince, Day has seemingly achieved the impossible.
But, as any begonia will tell you, Charles is no heart-hearted throw-back who thinks a woman’s place is running the kitchen staff from the back of a horse.
So, we urge Charles to give Elaine a go. Start small and build up her role. Who knows, one day she may achieve her ambition, but in the meantime she’s got a lot of toothpaste to squeeze…’
We’re All Burgered
‘FORGET Al-Qaeda, garden ponds and killer pretzels and know that the biggest danger to the free world is a beef burger.
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| Sweaty skull, large heel bones, long legs and tear ducts |
In ‘Is this the world’s deadliest burger?’ (Mail) and the ‘BURGER OF DEATH’ (Sun), readers of both papers get to grips with the Monster Thickburger, a whopping 1,420 calories and 107 grams of fat on sale at US fast food chain Hardee’s.
For the cardiac surgeon’s records, this farm in a bun is a composite blend of two 5oz slabs of beef, four strips of bacon, three cheese slices, mayonnaise and a buttered sesame seed bun.
It comes with a side order of blocked arteries, indigestion tablets and perforated stomach.
But for anyone who dares to take on of these beasts there is heartening news in the Sun, where we learn that to rid yourself of the burger you need not order the stomach pump entree but merely walk for 22 miles.
Of course, you may have trouble moving for a few months after your meal, but while you contemplate your stretched navel you may even like to consider the benefits of a jog.
Sure, your knees might give way as you pound the merciless tarmac and your nipples fall off as they chaff against your nylon blend running vest, but if it was good enough for the caveman, it’s good enough for you.
The Express hears US researchers Dr Dennis Bramble and Dr Daniel Lieberman claim that jogging began two million years ago and helped human beings dominate the planet.
Indeed, our bodies are designed for jogging. Indications of the evolution of ‘marathon man’ are the skull shape, which allows sweat to evaporate, large heel bones, shock-absorbing discs in the spine and long legs.
Which, by happy coincidence, also enable you do dash to the toilet with minimal fuss as Aimee, your Hardee’s waitress, wheels out the dessert boat …’
Sophie’s Choice
‘SOPHIE Anderton carries loads of baggage.
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| Sophie realised she’d forgotten to leave out anything to wear |
You can see a lot of it in the Star, where the model who put the swimsuit in Special K is pictured posing for the cameras beside no fewer than four large suitcases as she jets off to a jungle clearing in Australia.
If the intention was to make an impact, to look like the princess who needs lashings of luxuries to survive the rigours of life, the stunt somewhat backfired.
For these are no Louis Vuitton travelling chests, nor are they butter-soft leather and silk Gucci bags, but rather blue canvas cases with brown trim of the type found atop a newly released prisoner’s free-standing wormwood wardrobe.
When her fellow jungle wannabe Brian Harvey tells the Sun that the main reason he is on the show is because ‘I’m skint’, we fear for Anderton.
And it makes us wonder what could be inside her bags. Aside from a few bundles of newspapers and some empty breakfast cereal boxes to give them shape, could they be empty?
However, after reading the Star’s story, we begin to reappraise the luggage. We take out our ruler, check the measurements and realise that a man of the aforementioned Harvey’s dimensions could fit inside.
You see, in this TV version of Desert Island Discs meets the Gang Show, Anderton has apparently ‘begged’ the producers of I’m a Celebrity… to allow the luxury item she can take into the camp to be her therapist.
But they said ‘no’.
Which leaves us to scratch our heads and wonder what exactly is inside Anderton’s bags?
And then we hear a clue in the Sun, where fellow jungle girl Janet Street-Porter expresses her doubts over it being a book.
Making her own preparations for life in the spotlight, the celebrity rambler asks of Anderton: ‘Has she read any books?’
She then says of camp toad Paul Burrell: ‘I’ll get him to do my washing.’
It seems Street-Porter has set out to win friends and influence people.
But before her fellow contestants turn on her as one, she would like it be known that she’d ‘rather sleep with cockroaches than her fellow contestants’.
Which should make for some sensational X-rated telly as the toothsome harridan tries to spot the difference…’
Jungle Rock
‘AFTER fake crocodiles, forced smiles and wannabe pretenders to the celebrity throne, this year’s edition of telly’s I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here! will feature a talking rock.
| Self-portrait by Paul Burrell |
This rock may or may not be wearing a ball gown, but it will in the course of its time on the show be at pains not to mention intimate details of its relationship with the Queen of Hearts – at least not those that could be published in any subsequent book.
This rock also, as the Star tells it readers, has feelings, and expresses a phobia for snakes and water – an odd fear for a rock on its way to a damp jungle seemingly replete with creeping and crawling things.
Some would say such creatures are the rock’s natural bedfellows, but Paul Burrell (for that is its name) possesses other talents – or ”special skills”, as the Star has it.
Not only can this rock serve a mean cuppa on a silver salver and simper with the best of them, but he can build fires.
How he does this is left unsaid, and anyone wanting to find out will have to watch the show.
But don’t rule out the prodigious use of matches and easy-burn books with titles like A Royal Duty and kindling made from unsold tickets to stage shows with names like Paul Burrell: In His Own Words and Hello Dolly!
One who won’t be tuning in for survival tips, however, is Prince Philip who, according to the Sun, has ordered his wife and Our Majesty to ”TURN IT ORF!” and not watch the odious Burrell at play.
The Prince has vowed not to follow Burrell on TV and wants Liz to follow suit – only she’s putting up a fight.
”It’s fair to say they have been arguments over who has the remote control,” says a Royal insider, or rock as they are known in the business.
”Prince Philip cannot stand Paul Burrell. He will not watch a minute of it.”
What, not when former cocaine addict and sometime model Sophie Anderton takes a dip in her bikini? Nor when underwear model Nancy Sorrell shows us how she got the job?
And not even to watch the aforementioned Burrell eat handfuls of cockroaches washed down with raw rat poo?
Even the Queen’s prepared to forego Kirsty’s Home Videos for one week…’
Posted: 17th, November 2004 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)
Wails From Wales
‘WHEN Prince Charles talks, begonias perk up and take notice.
| ”Look what education did for me” |
And so does the Express, which has seen the open letter written by the Prince – or aides known to him – to delegates at the Association of Colleges’ annual conference in Birmingham.
In his missive, the Prince, who famously became the first member of the Royal Family to take public exams, criticises educators for trying to make children into ”better robots”.
”There is no price more valuable,” he says, ”than the joy and self-esteem associated with…the mastering of a skill, the defeat of a mental obstacle, or the sensation of having one’s eyes opened to the beauties of literature, mathematics and science”.
Fair enough, although surely this is what teachers strive for as they stand before knowledge-hungry students, tutoring them in useful topics, like geography, art history and how to pass their art A-level.
But what the prince has no time for is what he sees as the increased reliance on technology in the classroom.
He wants there to be a back-to-basics approach to education, something he works towards in his summer school where he allows history and English teachers to rediscover the art of storytelling.
But not everyone can be lucky enough to have access to weighty texts like Watercolours by Charles, Prince of Wales, Highgrove: Portrait of an Estate by Charles, Prince of Wales or indeed The Old Man of Lochnagar by Charles, Prince of Wales.
And with a lack of talented teachers, what the Prince terms ”computer-driven modules” can be a handy substitute.
Of course, Charles could retrain as a teacher himself and lead by example.
And in his first lesson, perhaps he could start by teaching us how six mediocre O-levels and two A-levels (grade B in history and a C in French) qualifies anyone to study in the rarefied air of Cambridge.
Answers should be written on velum with a quill dipped in blue blood to the usual address…’
League Of Nations
‘WOULD-BE Britishers paddling over to Dover on lilos may like to know that I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here! is no entertainment show – it’s a documentary.
| ”Thank God we’re out of that hellhole!” |
In fact, it’s a national cry for help. If this is how our most treasured celebrities live in Blighty, imagine how the rest of us get by!
It’s pretty miserable stuff, sleeping out in the open air, cameras watching your every move as you bathe in freezing cold waters and get what sustenance you can from beetles, snake urine and les maggots du jour.
But still the asylum seekers want to come. And, as the Express – a paper which likes to keep its readers alarmed about such things – says on its front page: ”SHAMBLES. Asylum is UP, the number kicked out is DOWN and 29% more want benefits. And that is THE TRUTH.”
And do not doubt that it is the truth because not only does the Express say so (in capital letters no less), but the Mail says so too.
This is shocking stuff, not least for people like the Mail’s noble Briton Mick Blake, a father to six children who ”refuses to work and takes £1,200 of your money every month”.
More asylum seekers desperate for work, a better life and success mean less money for born and bred natives like Mick. And can that be right?
But if these new arrivals don’t take any notice of poor Mick or the hardships endured by our celebrities, they should read the Express’s report that Britain has the worst quality of life of major European nations.
Once more the Mail can corroborate this story, it too having seen the survey to be published in the Economist magazine, which shows how, in terms of personal satisfaction, Britons are, well, unsatisfied.
Before the expansion of the European Union, Britain ranked 15th out of 15.
And from 111 of the world’s countries polled, we lie at a disappointing 29th, behind Slovenia, Cyprus and Malta and one place ahead of South Korea.
Top of the list is a small jungle clearing somewhere in the north east of Australia…’
The Ring Cycle
‘WHEN the movie of eight-times married Ron Sheppard’s life is made, Darren Day is a shoo-in for the part as the incurable romantic.
| Amanda – meaning ‘to be loved’ |
If deftness with a ring, Cliff Richard’s teeth and the ability to say ”I love you” with conviction to a string of different women are prerequisites for the job, we’re sure five-times engaged Day will be make the role his own.
But who will play the lovely 26-year-old Filipina Weng Platino, wife No.8, who, as the Express reports, yesterday tied the knot to the 56-year-old romancer?
Tracy Shaw would be our first choice but, since she’s heavily pregnant (and probably not speaking to her former fiancé), we are forced to look elsewhere.
And that means looking at Amanda Holden.
The elfin actress, who to rave reviews played the younger spouse to older Les Dennis for a number of years, is our preferred option.
Indeed, she’s already getting into character in the Sun, trying on all manner of wedding meringues as she prepares to marry music producer Chris Hughes.
The Sun says that ”friends and family” have been told to expect the news of Amanda’s wedding today – flattering indeed to us at Anorak who have long held Amanda to be one of our own.
So with the cast lined up, all that’s left is for Amanda (Weng) and Darren (Ron) to do is to commit to the project – at least until a better offer comes along…’
Posted: 16th, November 2004 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Pills & Thrills
‘MEN who marry younger women can often be seen walking out of the chemist’s, chomping on a little blue tablet and jabbering on about the new lease of life their new wife has given them.
| ”And the winner in the Under-50s seed stitch category is…” |
Anyone who has seen 60-year-old Michael Douglas since his marriage to Catherine Zeta Jones cannot have failed to spot a renewed bounce in his hair, a skip in his step and a new spate of articles about his addiction to sex.
But what of Catherine, the younger woman? What does she get from the deal?
Sure there was the £1m she got from selling the wedding pictures to a showbiz mag, but, by her own admission, that was chicken feed.
There’s the place at Hollywood’s top table dining with the showbiz elite, but that would have been hers by right of talent alone.
No, what Catherine got from her marriage to an older man was a sense of perspective.
She got to see that life is not all about parties, staying up late and dancing. Being with an older man enables you to look at life from a mature viewpoint.
So having bought her grandma a pair of new knees, the Sun says that 35-year-old Catherine is now turning into that lovely Zeta and has become ”obsessed” with knitting.
On the set of her new movie, the actress has so far knitted no fewer than 15 ponchos to give to family and friends this Christmas. And she plans to create 20 more.
Each poncho comes with label bearing the legend ”Personally made by CZJ”, and will make a, er, delightful gift for all those Zeta-Joneses who prefer a personal gift to something expensive, sparkly and Hollywood.
And while on the subject of cheap, the Sun’s cartoon above this story has Catherine knitting and saying: ”I haven’t enough wool to make Michael a willy warmer.”
We doubt anyone does. But we will not dignify such low-rent sentiment with a comment, preferring to wonder for ourselves what Catherine will make for her man.
May we suggest a travel rug, an all-in-one body stocking or perhaps a pouch to put his pills in…’
Sites For Sore Eyes
‘GRIM news now for Internet surfers – and that means you, you grubby little lot: ”Staring at a computer can make you go blind.”
| ”Well, that’s the last time I ever visit hornyhousewives.com” |
It might also cause your hands to become covered in a soft pelt of hair, but for now medical brains are concentrating on how PCs can damage your eyes.
The Express has seen the results from a Japanese medical study which tested some 1,000 workers with an average age of 43 to see how their computers affected their eyesight.
This cutting-edge research by experts at Toho University, Tokyo, discovered that men are the heaviest users of computers and that five in every 100 of those questioned said they had experienced trouble with their vision.
Now, we – like the scientists in the story – are not here to judge, but only to deliver the news in a discreet brown paper envelope for your interest.
We make no comment on exactly what those myopic five in every 100 Japanese men might have been using their computers for.
Except to say, your mum was right…’
Blame It On Leo
‘DEMI Miller gave brought a new generation of Chav into Walford this week when she gave birth to Aleesha Beyonce Miller. And like most 14-year-old mothers, it looks like Demi has been left, quite literally, holding the baby.
|
| ‘Don’t kid yourself, love’ |
Little Aleeshas father, Leo, did make it to the hospital to visit his daughter but, as Leos father was quick to point out, itll be the last time you see your bastard kid. With parents like that, its hard to see how kids go so wrong these days, isnt it?
Demis home and her family are doing their best, providing her with stolen nursery gear and keeping her social worker at bay, but Demis already sinking into a black depression.
Once the stitches are out shell be able to go back to shoplifting though, so thatll no doubt cheer her up.
Billys also suffering from baby blues. Although hes agreed to bring up baby Freddie as his own, hes struggling to cope with the fact that his wifes given birth to her rapists child (a typically upbeat EastEnders storyline).
Little Mo is trying to get her life back to normal and has even taken her old job back behind the bar of the Vic the place of her rape.
Its just a pub, she tried to reassure Billy. And other than the Vic, the mini mart or the launderette, where else is there to work in Walford?
New arrival Stacy Slater is quickly developing into the Squares most irritating character quite a feat given the competition.
Shes now blackmailing Spencer telling him that shes only 15 and that, if he doesnt pay up, hell go to prison with all the other nonces. Spencer handed over his lifesavings, all sixty pounds, before Zoe told him that Stacy was 16 after all.
Its difficult to have much sympathy for someone whos so stupid it didnt even occur to him to ask any of the Slater family how old she actually was.
Dirty Den meanwhile has returned his trip to Spain (aka his suspension for his internet antics). In his first scene back, he presented wife Chrissie with an enormous stuffed sausage someone in the script department is clearly having a laugh.
Its gonna take more than that to win me back, she told Den, before hitting him over the head with it something one fears that Den would probably enjoy.
If the tabloids are to be believed, and please God they are, this is Dens very last return to Walford. The man whos had more comebacks than Elvis is rumoured to be up for the chop in the new year.
Lets hope its the last we see of Den and his sausage.’
Every Dog Has Its Day
‘EVER since he mugged his way through Summer Holiday, Darren Day has been struggling to rid himself of the mantle ‘The New Cliff Richard’.
|
| Darren was happy with second in the Cliff Richard lookalike competition |
And it’s been quite a struggle.
In an effort to be his own man, Darren has chosen Jesus Christ Superstar over Jesus Christ and white lines of cocaine over the whiter lines of a tennis court.
He has wrestled with desire and resisted even the considerable charms of Cliff’s old flame Sue Barker – a decision that has caused him to scour the world of light entertainment for another woman.
It’s been a path with many diversions, and, to date, Darren, a self-styled ‘incurable romantic’ has been engaged more times than a toilet a cystitis convention.
And news is that he may yet be on the hunt again, since Suzanne Shaw, his current fiancée, is less than pleased about rumours linking Darren with Swedish lingerie model and actress Cecilia Carneby.
A ‘tearful’ former Hear’Say singer says she has ‘nothing to say’ to the Mirror, but apparently she has lots she’d like to tell Darren, billed both here and in the Sun as a ‘love rat’.
Suzanne would like to find out what level of truth exists in the rumour that the father of her unborn child enjoyed what the Sun calls a ’14-hour romp’ with Cecilia.
Can it really be true, that a star, an expectant dad and a jungle survivor not only cheated on his pregnant lover, but did so in a Travelodge?
Darren certainly has a lot of explaining to do. As does Cecilia, the Swedish Sue Barker look-alike…’
It’s Christmas Time
‘ITS Christmas time, theres no need to be afraid, sings popstar Chris Martin in mid-November.
| Forecasters are predicting another Christmas without snow in Africa |
And hes not alone in believing the holiday season is already upon us because the Sun has the full exclusive story and pictures of the Christmas No.1.
In its front-page story, BAND OF HOPE, the paper tells readers that even before Cliff Richard has pulled on his leather cassock and Noel Edmonds has squeezed himself back inside that Blobby suit, the identity of the seasonal chart topper has been decided.
The sure-fire hit has been recorded by Band Aid 20, a blend of pop superstars.
Amazingly, what with this being a cover version of Do They Know Its Christmas, there is no sign of those cabaret cruise ship warblers Westlife, Boyzone or Ronan Keating.
There are, however, two other top Irish acts on the record that, according to the Sun, would never had been recorded had it not been for the papers tireless work.
And as in the Suns exclusive story, we read in the Mail that one of those Irish popstars, Bono, is not singing in harmony.
In Band Aid Hit By Bickering Bono, the man who vies with Bob Geldof (who does appear on the record) for the title Patron Saint of Pop, is unhappy that the line he sang on the original version has been given to another.
The Sun has a picture of Bono above the righteous lyric Well, tonight thank God its them instead of you, but the Mail says that this time round those words will be sung by Justin Hawkins of The Darkness.
Hawkins has already sung the line but, according to the Mail, Bono is jetting into Blighty to record his version over the top.
The Mirror is also in on the Suns exclusive (It Was The Sun Wot Sung It) story and manages to speak with Hawkins.
We both recorded the same line, says he. I did it better than him but his management kicked up a stink and he is going to do it again today. It means politically Im not allowed to sing it.
Poor Justin. But there may be some solace from an unlikely source.
Should America re-release its Live Aid single, We Are The World, someone may be need to play the role of Michael Jackson.
And with Aled Jones all grown up and Gary Glitter out of the country, who better than Justin..?’
Out On His Year
‘WITH the Christmas No.1 already known, all that’s left for the BBC to do is to stick on a video of Only Fool’s And Horses for the holiday season to be good to go.
| ”Looks like rain again” |
But while we count down the remaining days on last year’s calendar, we wonder what the past year’s been like for the hero depicted thereon, one David Beckham.
When we excitedly unwrapped Dave 2004 11 months ago, he was shiny, buffed and smelling of sweet, head-turning vinyl and glue.
Nowadays, he’s a little dog-eared, a little used and he smells of something his erstwhile PA might have stepped in on The Farm.
So, we here at Anorak Towers have a difficult decision to make – should we invest in his calendar again and spend another year with Day-vid looking down upon us.
For many of us the answer is a definite ”no”. As the Express reports, Day-vid’s 2005 calendar is now only the fifth most popular celebrity year planner on the wall.
Last year’s No.2, Day-vid has been knocked down a peg or three, meaning that for the first time in five years the footballer is out of the top three.
There are some 40 shopping days for Dave to change this around, but while he contemplates his annus horribilis, we wonder who’s No.1.
Well, it’s not his wife Vicky, naturally, which means it must be Robbie Williams, who can be seen advertising 2005 in a white vest.
Also above Dave are Jonny Wilkinson, in at No.3, and Elvis Presley, a singer who’s been quiet of late but can still pull in a crowd, at No.4.
But the terrific news is the identity of the No.2 calendar boy, and the discovery that it’s none other than our old friend Cliff Richard.
On its cover, Cliff stares out in a way that suggests divine inspiration – or an ageing man wondering if he needs the toilet again before going out.
What lies on the pages within is not revealed. To discover that you will have to do as so many thousands have done and buy a year’s worth of Cliff.
Or go to your nearest Travelodge and ask for Darren Day…’
A New Diana
‘NANCY DellOlio would do well to check the brakes on her car this morning and steer well clear of any white Fiat Unos she may come across on her travels.
| Sven loved seeing Di in the little red number |
We would hate something untoward to happen to the sometime lover of England football manager Sven Goran Eriksson, who this morning tries on the mantle of The New Diana for size and declares it a perfect fit.
We would hate to gather in a rainy London park sometime in 2012 to witness the opening of a new £10m storm drain named in her honour.
And we would hate to spend the next eight years with a ringside seat for the fight between the Nancy DellOlio Memorial Fund and the Franklin Mint over copyright of the Nancy Doll.
So, take care, precious one. After all, you yourself have now realised that you have replaced something England has been missing.
You are too modest to compare yourself directly to the Queen of Hearts herself.
People have said that Diana left a void that someone should fill, you tell the Mirror. I dont think its me but, if you ask me the interest in us two, I have one answer: envy.
It is true, Nancy. How could we be otherwise than envious of you – envious of your looks, your dress sense and your boyfriend who would sooner play a 2-3-5 formation than look at another woman..?
But, like Diana, you want to be a force for good, you want to leave something behind other than a collection of dresses.
I want to shine the lights of my popularity on to something more serious, you say.
And with that, off you go…to explore a black hole with the aid of a pencil torch’
