Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Diamond Dick
‘WHEN Nancy DellOlio claims to be The New Diana, what she really means is that she is The New Posh.
| What does he see in her? |
For, when Dianas Mercedes was tragically forced off the road by that packed Fiat Uno those eight tear-filled years ago, it was a singing pencil by the name of Victoria Beckham who jumped immediately into one of her 1,500 pairs of shoes.
And while Victoria was trying on Dianas shoes for size, her husband (and sometime lover) was trying on Diana’s dresses and preparing to spread love to all and sundry very much in the manner of the late princess.
The Sun says England football captain David Beckham is to become a UN ambassador with a mission to spread love beyond a select group of pig-pleasuring PAs.
His duties, the paper says, will include helping poverty-stricken children across the globe get into sport.
But what does his wife do while her husband is shining the light of his popularity from Tibet to Timbuktu?
Well, according to the front page of the Star, her loving husband is planning to give her a £1m jewel-encrusted sex toy to keep her amused in his absence.
The paper says he has put the diamond and platinum sex aid the worlds priciest on his Christmas shopping list to put the sparkle back into his troubled marriage.
It is, as you would expect for that money, an exact replica of Davids own member and comes complete with a set of golden balls.
And it will, says the Star, leave a sparkling smile on wife Victorias face and a nasty case of metal rash down below…’
Because I’m Worth It
‘IF Victoria (or Nancy, for that matter) gets fed-up sitting at home alone with her jewel-encrusted vibrators, she might like to try a spot of internet dating.
| Jake’s new proposal broke all the taboos |
She could log onto www.datingdirect.com, enter a brief description of herself Singing pencil seeks sharpener; will provide rubber – and wait for the responses to flood in.
But sadly for her there will be no response from Clive Worth, a young-looking 55-year-old ex-miner who has been thrown off the site for being too successful.
The Mail says the online Romeo has bedded as many as 200 women he has met through Dating Direct a figure reckoned to be higher even than David Beckham and Sven Goran Erikssons totals combined.
But the agency decided to act after complaints from many of those women who said the father-of-four lacked commitment and is using women from sex.
However, Mr Worth claims he is a victim.
Id dearly like to find the right woman and settle down, he tells the paper, but I cant seem to stay interested for very long.
I couldnt believe how many women there are out there. I get them all to travel to see me.
One was a Californian policewoman who stayed three weeks and a policewoman from North Wales came for a weekend.
And a footballers wife from Madrid who should be arriving any time now ’
Tiddy Upper
‘AS shock headlines go, Actress Takes Coke is right up there with Footballer Likes Lapdancer, Journalist Fond Of A Drink and Jordan Floats.
| A snout for trouble |
Its not news, especially when the actress in question is unknown to all but the most square-eyed sections of the British population.
But the Sun has got its grubby little mitts on pictures of Bill actress Kim Tiddy snorting some of Bolivias national product at a party – and its determined to use them.
Yes, I took coke…it is my biggest regret, says the 27-year-old actress, who plays sexy WPC Honey Harman in the cop drama, on the papers front page.
I just went along with the crowd, she says inside the paper. I was at a young and impressionable age and I was stupid.
I cant even remember if it was enjoyable or not. Looking back on it now, it certainly wasnt.
What a load of tosh! Why not admit that you had a great time, your only regret was letting some low-life take pictures of you and you have no idea why you took your trousers off in the middle of a party?
However, in return for Kims co-operation with this non-story, the Sun comes over all sympathetic.
Kim, says Sun health reporter Emma Morton, is to be commended for being brave enough to admit her shame in an effort to deter other away from the perils of coke.
Or at least for pretending to be ashamed in an effort to secure more favourable press coverage.
However, the Sun is keen to get across the message that drugs are bad for you.
A fellow partygoer in other words, the jerk who thought theyd make a few quid by selling the pictures to the Sun describes Kims behaviour that night four years ago.
She got dafter and dafter during the evening, more and more giddy and talked more. She talks a lot already. She was totally wrecked by the end of the evening.
She was staggering about, putting her arms round people and kissing them. The party went on until the early hours and she ended up staying the night.
In other words, she had a pretty good time. Partygoer Has A Good Night- what about that for a splash headline?’
The Ten Commandments
‘WHEN Moses went up Mount Sinai, it took him a good three days to get to the summit, receive the two tablets on which the Ten Commandments were inscribed and return to base camp.
| ”There’s no No.1!” |
The mountain, we are told, is not only very difficult to be ascended by men, on account of its vast altitude, but because of the sharpness of its precipices also.
Thankfully, however, Victoria Beckham has people to perform the menial tasks that were previously carried out by the leader of the Israelites.
And so she sent some lackey in one of Davids many 4x4s to collect her own version of the Ten Commandments, which the Star says she has issued to her trouble-prone husband.
These rules may seem laughable, but Victorias deadly serious that David should stick to them, a source says.
She has told David that if he doesnt stop flirting behind her back and behaving in such a secretive fashion, she will move back to England.
In which case, were sure that the whole of England would like to join Anorak in urging the Real Madrid midfielder to follow all 10 rules to the letter.
They include injunctions such as Thou shalt take my calls and not divert me to voice-mail, Thou shalt spend Christmas with my family and Thou shalt not sulk and disappear for hours.
Thou shalt not blame the pitch when you miss a vital penalty, Thou shalt not feed our best strawberries to your lover, Thou shalt not block your ears whenever your wife sings…’
Year We Go
‘TODAY is November 11th, Remembrance Day in Anorak Towers the day we remind ourselves to go out and buy our new 2005 calendar for the office.
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| Your starter for a perfect 10 |
For the past ten and a half months, we have feasted our eyes on images of Vanessa Feltz in a variety of skimpy bikinis and swimsuits.
But who do we get to fill the heavy-boned former TV presenters shoes next year?
Do we go for the Heavenly Hunks calendar (see Broadsheets), the bare-chested boys of Portsmouth cathedral choir frolicking in the surf?
Or do we follow the Suns lead and shell out for a calendar featuring Manchester University students in various stages of undress?
Its a hard decision, but eventually we have settled on the only calendar that can get close to filling the huge void that Nessie will leave – the Richard & Judy 2005 calendar.
With a dozen (albeit somewhat blurred) shots of Judy in her bra and briefs and Richard posing as the underwear model he was always destined to be, this is worth every penny of its £14.99 retail price.
And well not listen to the likes of Paul OGrady, who this morning tells the Mail that he doesnt give a toss about TVs favourite couple.
The man who has to dress up as a woman to get a laugh tells the paper that Richard and Judy are snivelling and grovelling to their guests.
And he reserves a special mention for Judy, promising that his rival chat show will be the winner in the ratings.
Love, he says, even if you flash your boobs live on air, my show will trounce yours.
He clearly hasnt got as far as July in the new calendar…’
The Wonder Pill
‘IF readers of the Daily Mail had to invent a wonder pill, what would it do?
| The Yellow peril |
Well, it would certainly do all the things that this mornings new miracle drug Accomplia can do help people to stop smoking, to stop drinking and to lose weight.
But it surely would do so much more it would, for instance, act as a birth control pill, but would only be effective for women over the age of 21 (or those in a committed mongamous relationship).
It would no doubt turn all our skin pigmentation an Anglo-Saxon shade of pink; it would fold out and act as a pashmina; it would renegotiate the Treaty of Rome, teach our children the three Rs and turn Michael Grade into Mary Whitehouse.
In short, it would be the pharmaceutical equivalent of turning the clock back 50 years to a time when children scrumped for apples, the village bobby administered justice with a clip round the ear and no meal was complete without Birds Custard.
Times, however, have changed and, as the Express reports, Birds Custard is not the staple of the British diet that it used to be.
In fact, so poorly is it selling these days that American owner Kraft Foods is considering pulling the plug.
Thats not the only shock news, the Express says. There are rumours that Angel Delight and Dream Topping could also get their just desserts after disappointing world sales figures.
Insiders say the value to Kraft of the three British desserts is now more sentimental than economic.
And that is the cue for the Express to get all misty-eyed as it harks back to 1837 when chemist Alfred Bird invented an egg-less dessert powder because his wife was allergic to eggs.
With a nostalgic tear in its eye, it then casts its mind back to 1964 when Dream Topping was first produced as an alternative to cream for trifles.
And how can it remember 1967 with anything other than great fondness as the year when sachets of Angel Delight first hit the shops?
Maybe, our wonder pill can bring back those more innocent times, when British gastronomic taste was unaffected by, well, taste and when our meals were prepared by chemists, not chefs.
But even a wonder pill has its limits and sadly even it cannot recall a day when people actually wanted to read the Express…’
Kate’s Barf Time
‘WHO is the pin-up girl of choice for Daily Mail readers?
| That Titanic woman and her children first |
Who is the woman every female reader aspires to be and every male reader aspires to take on a long walk with a black Labrador called Freddie?
It is, of course, Kate Winslet, celebrity mum, celebrity wife and sometime actress.
And to that list we can now add Class Act the bauble that Kate picked up at Glamour magazines Woman Of The Year ceremony.
It was, as you might have to imagine if you havent bought the Mirror this morning, a very emotional occasion – and Kate responded like the trooper she is with tears, sniffles and a speech more likely to induce vomiting than a whole vat of Angel Delight.
As Kate picked up the award (given to her for refusing to conform to Hollywoods beauty standards) from Susan Sarandon, she told the audience that her real moment of glamour had come when one of her children told her in the bath: Mummy, youre beautiful.
And then she turned to 58-year-old Sarandon and added: Susan, if I look like you one day, I will run naked down Fifth Avenue.
And, with that, the hall was suddenly full of Birds Custard making an unscheduled reappearance…’
What A Pair!
‘JORDAN and pint-sized popster Peter Andre will announce their engagement tomorrow, the Suns Bizarre column confidently predicts this morning.
| ”OK, Peter, to see if you need glasses, just read out what it says on the sign” |
How do they know? Have they studied the pictures of the couple wearing matching his n hers pinks tops and decided that marriage is the only way to go?
Has Mystic Meg peered into her crystal ball, contacted the spirits and rolled her yes-no dice 21 times?
Or has the Sun nipped into the local newsagents and seen a copy of the new OK!, which appeared in the shops this morning with stories of the long-awaited proposal?
We know not but what we do know from looking at pictures of the happy couple is that the Sun is right in describing the couples respective garments as the height of naffness.
At least, so we thought until we saw a picture of Jennifer Ellison in the Mirror wearing a green velour tracksuit, a knitted beige cap and a pair of ugg boots.
High time scientists started working on a wonder pill that works on the eyesight…’
Shoplifters Of The World Unite
‘THERE is no mention of Richard Madeley, the taller and less shaky half of TVs Richard & Judy, in the Mirrors list of celebrity shoplifters.
| Some suspicious acting |
And that is how it should be for Richard was acquitted of stealing that bottle of champagne from Tesco a decade ago and there really is no cause to rake it up again.
However, Jimmi Harkishins name has been added to the pantheon of stars who have taken advantage of the old five-finger discount.
The Sun has a picture of the man better known as Coronation Street Dev Alahan being led away by police on its front page something of a coup, you might think, until you realise that the picture is in fact a still from the soap.
In real life, Dev (who, we are told, earns £100,000 a year as a shopkeeper) was nabbed at a Fenwicks department store after allegedly trying to put a £30 label on a £65 sweater.
And the paper says it wasnt the first time the romeo, who is protesting his innocence, has been spotted acting suspiciously in the Brent Cross store.
I can only assume it is some kind of strange addiction, says a shop source. Maybe he likes the excitement or even just publicity.
Jimmis indiscretion may not have attracted quite the same publicity as Winona Ryders visit to Saks, but hes now part of a not-very-exclusive club.
As well as A-listers like Ryder and Hedy Lamarr (who stole eyedrops and laxatives from a Florida chemist), the Mirrors list boasts names like Tracy Shaw, Lena Zavaroni, Stuart Hall and Jennifer Capriati.
But obviously not Richard Madeley, who has paid good money for every bottle of supermarket champagne he and his charming wife Judy have ever drunk…’
Writing’s On The Wall
‘CORONATION Streets Dirty Dev is not the only star whos been causing problems for the retail trade.
| HELP! |
The Sun has a picture of Britney Spears caught red-handed scrawling graffiti on the wall of a Hollywood store.
BRITNEY SPEARS WUZ HERE!! her message says. W/ HER VERY FINE HUBBY KEVIN FEDERLINE WHO IS THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE! P.S. B WICKED.
Of course, most Britney marriages dont last long enough to write a sentence of that length so we should be glad that she and Kevin are making a real go of things.
And it makes a change from Britney communicating with the world solely through T-shirt slogans.
But this looks like a prima facie case of criminal damage, even if the Sun does say the message was scrawled alongside others by stars like actress Lindsay Lohan.
And in the event that the police do catch up with the 22-year-old singer, graphologist Eric Smith, of Epping, is unlikely to be called as her chief character witness.
He has analysed Britneys writing and concluded that shes an egotist and rather full of herself.
If Britney uses capitals all the time, then it is worrying, he says. It shows she cant open up.
That or shes a tabloid journalist…’
A New Anne
‘IF you tune into the latest series of The Weakest Link, you will probably wonder about the identity of the sleek young presenter who has taken over from Anne Robinson.
| There’s a little bit of us all in the new Anne |
Keep watching, however, and the truth will soon reveal itself as the plastic melts under the heat from the studio lights
For the gruesome fact is that sexy young thing is none other than Anne Robinson herself after her latest bout of plastic surgery.
The Mail says the 60-year-old appeared young and sleek on the quiz show, with fashionable glasses and blonde highlights in her more sophisticated hairstyle.
Gone completely were the John Lennon glasses, red hair and wrinkles of a couple of years ago.
She looked fabulous if a little too perfect, a BBC insider tells the paper. She looked like a different woman to the school-marm Anne that first started on the show.
In fact, she is not just a different woman, shes the cumulation of a lot of different women Pamela Andersons breasts, Posh Spices nose, Christina Aguileras teeth, Cher…’
Little Mo’s Back
‘THE Slater house has seen more comings and goings than the Tottenham managers office over the past few months.
| ”Fancy a little tart for dessert?” |
First there was Lynne; then Kat left, came back again and has now gone again; Little Mos now back and the new Slater on the block Stacey – has made her debut.
God knows how many people are now living in the Slater house, especially now Zoes moved back in. That house has more hidden rooms than an Osama Bin Laden hideout.
Little Mo returned this week complete with baby Freddie, to give evidence in Grahams rape trial. I told yer mum to abort you, slurred Kat over the pram, demonstrating her natural mothering instincts yet again.
Little Mo has returned with a new hair do, a new kick-ass attitude and about three stone lighter – which is hardly surprising as she left to have a baby.
Producers are desperately and unsuccessfully – trying to cover up Kats real-life pregnancy. Theyve now resorted to just shooting her from the neck up, but even thats not working as day by day she becomes more and more like a giant orange space-hopper.
Theyve now given up completely and have re-written her out of the series in a hastily cobbled together storyline whereby she sleeps with a complete stranger in order to convince Alfie shes not a tart.
Get out! screamed Alfie on discovering what shed done, I cant take any more of it. You and ten million others…
Little Mo has decided to stay in Walford as Graham has been found guilty of rape and Billy has agreed to give their marriage another go.
You gonna play appy families wif a rapists kid, sneered Stacey to him, echoing what every one else was thinking. Zoe was a rapists kid and shes turned out alright, replied Little Mo, illustrating what a stable, run-of-the-mill family the Slaters are.
Stacey has been brought in as a Janine replacement, her brief clearly to be as vile and obnoxious as possible. Within her first week, shed tried to get Garry into bed, stolen from Mickeys market stall, nicked Zoes clothes and seduced Spencer Moon.
Stacey is under the mistaken belief that Spencer is loaded as she saw him counting out the petty cash for the café. Fancy a date? she asked him, clearly not backward at coming forward. Youre just my type, she purred, her type being the slightly retarded and gullible.
Spencer, keen to impress, borrowed fifty quid from Alfie and took Stacey to an Italian restaurant. Lets go back to mine for some afters, giggled Stacey.
Staceys not going to happy when she discovers that Spencers penniless but at least shes learnt a valuable lesson her great-aunty Kat would have taught her if only shed stuck around always get the money first.’
Lessons In Love
‘THE Anorak Guide To Pulling Part 63. Body Language.
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| ‘Lets be laughing together this time next year’ |
Last week, we reported that the Japanese had discovered the perfect chat-up line the eight words that were going to have our Oriental friends rutting like rabbits again.
But for those of you still nursing a sore nose after whispering Lets be laughing together this time next year into the ear of your intended, we have some more advice.
According to the Sun, its no good merely mastering the language of love youve got to get to grips with the body language of love.
Scientists have apparently been secretly watching the mating rituals of men aged between 21 and 34 and observing their success rate.
And they have published their results in a journal called Evolution And Human Behaviour, otherwise known as The Weekly Voyeur.
The results?
It apparently takes an average of 13 glances in half an hour for a man to cop off with a woman.
If a woman responds with a sign, the Sun says, such as a quick glance before looking away, the macho man will make a move.
Indeed, if a woman responds with any sign, such as sipping her drink, breathing or mouthing Piss off, ugly, the macho man will also make a move.
Successful men, researchers found, also display 20 different techniques to establish themselves as dominant males in the eyes of potential conquests.
These include playfully punching their mates, tapping their mates on the shoulder or giving them the big elbow.
A sure sign a man is ready to move in on a woman is when he tries the chin stroke, says the Sun. Experts say it draws attention to the facial features.
And hides the fact they look like Jimmy Hill’s ugly brother…’
When Jordan Met Peter
‘ONE man who has mastered all 20 gestures of love is pint-sized Aussie popster Peter Andre.
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| From little acorns grow celebrity romances |
And we turn to the Star to see the man who would be Mr Jordan demonstrate the techniques that made him the envy of every man with a pop career to relaunch.
So, heres Peter (with baseball cap on backwards) at the supermarket meat counter deciding whether to buy beef mince or lamb mince.
And heres Peter at home in the kitchen, just tall enough to peer over the work surface and to wash his hands in the sink.
These are just two scenes from Peter and Jordans explosive new telly reality show, the first episode of which goes out on Friday night.
Other dramatic scenes include Peter peeling potatoes, Peter washing the car and Peter sitting in front of the TV desperately searching for something decent to watch.
A show insider tells the Star: Even now Peter has relaunched his pop career, the bulk of their professional work is done by Kate. It makes more sense for Peter to pop to the shops.
What is more, it makes fascinating TV…’
Bonking Boris
‘ANOTHER man who is an expert on the body language of love is Bonking Boris Johnson.
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| What do you think of the rumours, Boris? |
The Mirror claims the shadow arts minister is set to quit the Tory front bench this week over allegations he has had a three-year affair with journalist Petronella Wyatt.
The paper says the floppy-haired MP and editor of the Spectator, who has dismissed the claims as a pyramid of piffle, could’ announce his resignation tomorrow.
The corollary is of course that he ‘could’ NOT announce his resignation tomorrow or he ‘could’ announce his resignation, but not do it tomorrow.
Neither of which makes for a fascinating news story but the Mirror is sticking to its guns.
If he stands down, it adds, it will be before the Parliamentarian Of The Year Awards on Thursday.
It will also be before the first episode of When Jordan Met Peter on Friday. And before Christmas…’
FC Hollywood
‘IT’S evident from looking at the number of men reading this while dressed in their lovers’ knickers that David Beckham is a fashion leader.
| ”Bye-bye!” |
Where Dave goes, the rest of British mankind follows like a salivating pack of obedient dogs.
So today get ready to load up your bags and head for the Hollywood hills because the Star says that our Day-vid and the singing pencil he’s married to are ready to emigrate.
”Becks has been told he has a future in Hollywood,” says Her Poshness. ”He wants to go out on a high – and what better time than after winning the 2006 World Cup in Germany?”
It’s a nice idea, but surely Dave should only leave to start playing for the Hollywood Hotspurs once Posh has secured the No.1 solo hit she so ardently craves.
And since that looks less likely than her calling her unborn child Rebecca or being voted Slimmer of the Year, off they will jolly well go.
However, the Beckhams will not be alone – the Mail reports that thousands of us are contemplating making a new life abroad.
Just last year, 191,000 Britons emigrated, the largest number to have done so since records began.
And the trend is on the rise, with last year’s numbers more than 30,000 up on the 2001 figure.
This migration has been a boon to estate agents in Spain, the top destination for British sun seekers – and, not so coincidentally, the place David Beckham now calls home.
But while the Mail delivers the facts, the Express looks at its scales and notes that, according to the Office for National Statistics, during the same past 12 months, the number of new arrivals landing on these gilded shores touched 513,000.
And, in the mind of the paper that worries about such things, ”this country simply cannot cope with immigration on such a scale”.
Why is not stated, but the Express should worry less – when the Beckhams head west in two years’ time, this land will soon be emptier than Posh’s supermarket shopping trolley.’
Going Underground
‘AS Londoners wedge themselves onto the overcrowded Tube system on their way to Heathrow and a new life abroad, they should take a look around the carriage.
| Fergie in her Chris Evans disguise |
Glance up from your fellow passengers’ shoes, look away from those adverts for herbal uppers and car insurance and check out that woman with the long black hair.
See how she’s looking at the man with the open-toed sandals with a wanton gleam in her eye. Look on in wonderment as her weight balloons and deflates before your very eyes. Spot the helicopter badge on her lapel.
And now imagine her with red hair. Yes, that’s it. And you soon see who it is. It’s Fergie, the Duchess of York.
The Mirror says that the woman who usually gets around in an open-topped, horse-drawn carriage has taken to travelling on the Underground.
Her disguise stops short of a paper cup and a hand-written note claiming she’s a Romanian refugee in desperate need of cash, but her new mode of transport perhaps suggests that her bank balance is not all it might be.
However, just as we reach for some spare change, Fergie claims her Tube riding has nothing to do with fiscal necessity, but rather her need to arrive on time.
According to the usually flamed-haired one, the only way she can guarantee getting to her next appointment on the dot is to make the journey by train.
As anyone who has ever sat on a stationary Tube train and listened to their heartbeats counting down the seconds until death, this doesn’t ring all that true.
Unless her appointment is with the ticket inspector…’
No Great Shakes
‘INSIDE every Jono Coleman there are a Brian McPudding, Robbie Williams and Rik Waller waiting to get out.
| Australia’s biggest export (by weight) |
That’s today’s thinking, as the Mail reports on how a quarter of all men are on a diet.
A survey by Mintel, shows that the proportion of men trying to lose weight has risen from 16.6% in 1984 to 24.8% today.
The percentage of women striving to slim down has also risen, with the figure spreading from 34.5% to 42.8% over the same period.
But it is men that most intrigue the Star, which says that modern man is a ”vain, diet-mad, secret slimmer”.
Well, not that secret, given that to have a survey, you need respondents.
But vanity does seem a consideration for British manhood, as the two-thirds of men now classified as overweight increasingly try for those washboard stomachs and singular chins.
The new man’s six-pack is now made of half a dozen cartons of lo-cal fast shakes and not the traditional cans of beer.
And as for his breasts…’
A Musical Crime
‘GOOD to see that while the other papers stick their snub noses in the air and talk about foreign politics, the Sun sticks to the issues that truly matter to its readers and leads with: WILL YOUNG BURGLED.
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| Mrs Henderson Presents |
The Sun has taken a leaf out of George Bushs big-print book and continued talking to its audience in a language the folks can understand.
In a turbulent world, things are kept reassuringly simple as we read how thieves have stolen what they always steal from budding pop stars their laptop computer.
And, as is the way with these things, the burglars who broke into Wills London home, now find themselves in possession of lyrics and unpublished songs.
The big fear, says a source close to the sick to the stomach singer is that they will end up on the internet if they fall into the wrong hands.
But this is not all, because those of you used to hearing about burglaries from a celebritys house will know that the villains always always! nick embarrassing pictures of the violated star.
And poor Will is no exception, because along with his missing laptop and designer suits worth £30,000, the lowlifes took intimate photos of our singer.
The shots to be on the lookout for should you be offered them in a pub or pay-per-view website show Will wearing a dress and a long blue wig and pouting at the camera.
And, er, thats it. Will is alone in these scandalous shots. He is not pictured seated alongside a mysterious naked man, a famous sexy women or a hungry looking pet.
But still this is all very, very embarrassing for the singer who is deeply upset, nay traumatised, that the pictures taken on the set of his forthcoming film Mrs Henderson Presents thats Mrs Henderson Presents – are now at large.
Hanging really is too good for some people and some pictures…’
Desperate Dan
”HOW can 59,017,382 people be so dumb? ask the Mirrors front page. And its a good question.
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| ‘I’ve got big tits, me!’ |
But the number is not the Mirrors circulation figures, rather the number of people who believe Dan Corsi is dating Kerry McPadding out of something approaching love.
One whos not fooled by this character – who dated Kerry before she married Brian McPadding and has in the past stepped out with actress Martine McCutcheon and singer Natalie Appleton – is the former Westlife singer.
Sources tell the Mirror that the Irish warbler is convinced that Dan is bad news, nothing more than a chancer trying to worm his way into the limelight.
And Brians told Kerry his fears, who, as the story goes, took it badly, believing it to be none of his business.
Its an entirely private matter between Kerry and Dan Corsi thats Dan Corsi.
So what if Dan Corsi is out for himself. Its just something Kerry will have to work out for herself now shes a free agent.
But Brian thats Brian is not giving up that easily and last night he apparently not only recognised the Mirrors dire 3am Girls but bothered to talk to them.
Obviously what I want is for Kerry to be happy, but knowing how emotional she is right now I hope shes going to take time before jumping into anything.
Like bed, you mean, with Dan Corsi thats Dan Corsi.
D…a…n…C…o…r…s…i. Thats Delta, Alpha, November, Charlie…’
Esprit De Corpse
‘HOW far would you go to be famous?
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| Parky, pictured three weeks after his unfortunate demise |
Its a question many wannabes have asked themselves since Mark Chapman shot John Lennon, Geri Halliwell posed topless and George Dubya Bush auditioned for Stars & Stripes In Their Eyes.
But what about real lasting fame, of the sort that endures long after youre dead and gone.
Thats what the Mirror says Channel 4 are offering to anyone terminally ill who wants to star in the new TV show Dust To Dust.
The experiment will feature a body decomposing for several months under the glare of television lights.
True, this has already been done, and anyone who has watched the Des OConnor show or Michael Parkinson deteriorate over the years has seen a similar thing.
But still some people are unhappy. Someone called an observer in the Express accuses the show of being cynical.
And a spokesperson for the organisation Mediawatch-UK tells the Mirror: To call for a terminally ill volunteer is extraordinary. This is the worst kind of voyeurism. It will alienate viewers and advertisers.
Or attract a whole new lot of new ones undertakers, embalmers, taxidermists, necrophiliacs…’
Reich On
‘LET’S play a quick word association game. We’ll write down a word and you respond by screaming out the first thing that comes into your head. Here goes. Germany…
| ”And who are you, pray?” |
Hang on a moment. Steady on. You’re only embarrassing yourselves by screaming out ”Nazis”, ”Hitler” and ”Murderers” and marching about in that ridiculous goose-step with one arm raised high and a finger stuck under your nose.
Especially you, Mr Richard Desmond and the other members of the Express team, who write for a paper which leads with the headline: ”QUEEN HAS TO EAT IN HITLER BANQUET HALL.”
Let’s be sure of one thing before we go on – the Queen was not made to eat in the hall, she was merely invited to.
She could have declined, but to have done so would have been most impolite, so, indeed, yes, she did break pumpernickel in Berlin’s Zeughaus, where Hitler’s henchman and Herrenvolk ”raged against Britain’s wartime Prime Minister Winston Churchill”.
We do not get to hear what was eaten – although a meal of enormous sausages served on bed of roast gypsies cannot be ruled out – but we do learn that Sidney Goldberg, of the Normandy Veterans’ Association, found it ”absolutely disgusting”.
Sure, German food is not to everyone’s taste, but let’s not be presumptuous.
Just because Her Majesty ate in Hitler’s hall and stayed at the Aldon Hotel, ”infamous as a haunt of Hitler’s secret police”, doesn’t mean it was all bad.
For one thing, the Queen doesn’t want us to hark on about the war. What she wants is for the bloodthirsty Bosch and plucky Britishers to move beyond ”simplistic stereotypes” of one another.
As the Mail says in its headline: ”It’s time to stop being obsessed about the war, says the Queen.”
Stopping short of apologising for her country’s blanket bombing of Dresden and other German towns all those moons ago, the Queen used her speech to say that the time is ripe to move on.
”Stereotypes,” said Her Majesty to a room full of pink-faced, chin-jutting krauts and descendents of the Nazi war machine, ”wither when human contact flourishes.”
Amen to that.
So, rather than harking on about the war (that we won twice), and the World Cup (that we won once), Britishers and their sausage-munching European partners should realise that the post-war partnership between Britain and Germany has been, as the Queen puts it, one of the ”bedrocks” of peace.
And so long as we continue to work together, there will no more need for war – well, so long as we can agree what to do with Poland and the Jews, that is…’
Royal Flush
‘WITH the Queen building train bridges and mending electric fences between the British and Germans, we wonder what ”telly style bitches” Trinny and Susannah would have done in the war.
| Trinny and Susannah had to both fit on the same toilet |
The self-styled – and, some would say, hideously styled – fashionistas have, to the best of our knowledge, never been Nazis.
But surely, given their penchant for rudeness and the gift of laughing haughtily at others, they’re natural home was the Third Reich.
And before you set about defending former Easter Island statue Trinny Woodall and Susannah Constantine, her burly rugby playing sidekick, hear the Star’s news that the pair have been sniping about Wayne Rooney’s girlfriend, the ever-so-nice Coleen McLoughlin.
”Coleen is a footballer’s wife,” says Trinny The Tranny in a way that is not meant to be supportive. ”You do not really look at somebody having found their style until they are about 30.”
But while poor 18-year-old Coleen wipes away a tear, she’s also in the Mirror displaying her unique sense of style in ordering his ‘n’ hers toilets for her and Wayne.
The new plans for Wayne’s £3.5m mansion feature a gym that hangs over a balcony overlooking a pool, a sauna, a study, a games room, a home cinema and a three-car garage.
There’s no massage parlour, but there are two side-by-side toilets in the master suite.
Or thrones, as one former Manchester United star and his oddly-dressed wife would have it…’
Tongue Sandwich
‘HEY, kids! Who wants some pukka tukka with good old mukka and chicken plukka Jamie Oliver?
| ”Take one very big chilli…” |
That’s right. Form an orderly queue. Don’t push. The doors are locked from the outside and you’ll only be let out once Jamie has served up today’s school dinners.
The Express reports that Britain’s favourite chef has been back to school, whipping up a delicious concoction of stuff for his new show, Jamie’s School Dinners.
Jamie has been commissioned by London’s Greenwich Borough Council to design healthier menus for 50 of the area’s schools.
He wants to replace chips, pizzas and burgers with home-cooked dishes, like home-cooked pizzas, home-cooked burgers and chunky home-cooked chips.
”If they see veg, they go mad,” says Jamie, ”but they don’t notice if it’s mixed into something like a tomato ragout”.
While we all wonder why Jamie is the only person in the world never to have heard the time-honoured phrase, ”There’s bits in it”, he’s already hard at work.
So come on, kids, put down those chicken nuggets and raise a fork for kickin’ chicken, herb-crusted fish fillet with green salad (disguised as a plate of French fries) and sweet potato and lentil korma.
Smile for the cameras, kids – and then dash off to the vending machine for some proper food…’
Good Evans?
”’MEDIA mogul Chris Evans is going all all-out to secure his future with wife Billie Piper by cutting back seriously on the booze,” says the Star.
| Chris Evans with a mystery woman |
That’s brilliant news. If ever a loving couple were destined to go the distance it was 38-year-old once-divorced man-about-town Chris and 22-year-old budding actress Billie.
And if the ginger one can combine a healthier lifestyle with reconciliation to his pint-sized wife, then well done on him for cracking two tough nuts with one hammer.
Good on the Star’s The Goss girls for getting the story that matters.
Lucky for us that they were in The Steeles pub close to Evans’s London home to hear him map out his future with Billie over a couple of foamy pints.
As one pal of the disc jockey tells the girls in the know: ”He’s cut right back on alcohol and is getting plenty of fresh air and exercise right now.”
And if you doubt that, you can ask the Mirror’s 3am Girls, who as ”Showbiz Reporters of the Year” know just what’s what with Mr Evans.
And, given his new healthy lifestyle, it seems appropriate enough that they should catch up with Evans twice while he’s out and about.
Their first sighting of the DJ comes when he’s seated in an unnamed green space on a white, plastic chair. When they spot him a second time, he’s in a car.
And on both occasions today’s hot news is that he’s in the company of someone who looks a lot unlike his good lady wife, the aforementioned Billie, the one he’s deeply committed to.
”This is the gorgeous brunette who proves that Chris Evans’s marriage to Billie Piper is far from back on,” say the Girls.
And given the impression that he’s trying to eat her face as he drops this mystery babe at work, the Mirror’s crack showbiz team seem to have got the jump on their rivals.
This is news that comes as a blow to fans of Chris and Billie, for whom the day had promised so much.
But you cannot alter the vital facts to suit the story – just ask any newspaper’s showbiz reporters…’
