Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Tit For Tat
‘WITH only 52 days until Christmas Eve, the Express runs its first story on presents for the holiday season.
| ”Do you want these giftwrapped?” |
But this seasonal tale is not about the newest, latest, greatest must-have toy for the lovable-if-slightly-spoiled child in your life, but what dad can get mum.
Forget the vacuum cleaner with more suction power than a Bangkok strip club. Hang the trendy box of tissues with fast-action server. And purge your mind of the pair of tickets to Cliff Richard on Ice.
The perfect gift for the mum, aunty, grandma and mistress in your life – the ideal way to show off her new Comfi-Slax with patented EZ panels! – is with a nice new pair of breasts.
But you don’t have to go the whole hog because, with the new gift certificates available from the Transform Medical Group chain of cosmetic clinics, the women in your world can save up for the big operation you say they really need.
Gift vouchers can be bought from as little as £50 to as much as £1,000 and are redeemable against new noses, flatter tummies, fuller lips and those fabulous new breasts.
”Lots of husbands and wives like to buy their partner something different for Christmas and these vouchers are perfect,” says the group’s commercial director Liz Dale.
And they are – are they not? – the gift that keeps on giving…’
Lucky For Some
‘PREPARE to have your world turned upside down and given a thorough shaking.
| Judge Peter Morrell |
The Sun brings news that the number 13 need not always be unlucky – indeed, for housewife Mandy Flanagan it is a sign of great fortune.
While up before Judge Peter Morrell, at Northampton Crown Court, the list of charges against the accused were read out.
It was a fair cop. Flanagan was bang to rights. She held up her hands. She was guilty.
Until the 13th charge on her crime sheet was announced. This she said she could not admit to.
So the bewigged judge asked prosecutor Brusola Johnson if there was enough evidence to proceed with this 13th charge.
After consulting with colleagues, she said that there was, and the charge pertaining to an alleged theft was duly brought before the court.
Except it wasn’t…because the judge announced: ”I have a weakness. It is superstition. I don’t like to see indictments with 13 charges on them.”
And so he ordered the accusation to be struck from the charge sheet.
This inspires Norman Brennan, chairman of the Victims of Crime Trust, to complain about how the judge is ”making a mockery of the criminal justice system” and the Sun to compare m’lud to a pantomime donkey.
But not everyone is unhappy, especially Peter ”Chopper” Jones, who comes before Morrell soon and whose crime sheet lists 12 charges of disturbing the peace above a 13th charge of smuggling 50 tonnes of heroin inside the hollowed-out body of his ex-wife, the delectable Maureen.’
Cult Viewing
‘WHILE Demi Moore watched Arsenal play Southampton at the weekend (Mail), the Mirror noticed another of Hollywood’s A-listers taking in some soccer in Madrid.
| Is Cruise a convert to The Church of Her Blessed Poshness? |
There, sitting alongside Posh and Becks is none other than Tom Cruise.
For a fuller picture, the paper says that for Real Madrid’s home match with Getafe, Posh wore an orange poncho, while Dave and Tom wore jeans.
But for the best picture, it’s over to the Sun, where we see the group seated in a box and learn that Tom was in town to promote his Church of Scientology.
And here’s where the Mirror’s report on the group’s dress may be crucial, because hard as we look we can see no hint of a red Kabbalah bracelet.
Which may or may not mean that the Beckhams have left the celebrity-endorsed cult and are now contemplating joining another?
Or starting their own…’
Stan Is Ruffed Out
‘GIVEN Stan Collymore’s sexual history, we cannot say for sure why he came to be in Dublin last night.
| ”Now I know how Ulrika felt” |
Neither can we say with any degree of certainty what level of truth there is in his claim – made public on the Mirror’s front page – that he was kicked ”all over the street” by up to six players from Bath rugby club.
We are not here to judge, just to observe and then relay the facts to you.
And we call upon, as the paper does, one Stanley Collymore to tells us what happened in the small hours of yesterday evening.
”It was sickening,” says Collymore, ”What they did was way beyond anything I’ve ever experienced.”
This sounds very bad, and surely should be taken as a message to all readers interested in dogging or any other type of sexual adventure to be on their guard.
Taking on a pack of rugby players is beyond even the more experienced and fittest practitioners.
But while we wonder at the coincidences that brought Collymore into close contact with the better part of a professional rugby team, the Sun says that in the course of the evening Stan’s nose was broken.
The Star adds that, while at Dublin’s Lillie’s Bordello’s club and in conversation with the actor Pierce Brosnan, a rugby player’s girlfriend called Collymore a ”w***er”.
In the course of the ensuing exchange of views, this initial claim was later, allegedly, trumped by a Bath rugby player calling Stan a ””f****ing kaffir”.
The row subsided until 3:30am when Collymore, upon leaving the club, came to be mauled by the gang.
The result is that Stan is today meeting with his solicitor and will be going to a police station to make a statement alleging racial and physical attacks.
And that after the scandal of spit-roasting, today is another black day for British sport…’
The Green Queen
‘EVER since the Queen opted to travel exclusively by a horse-drawn golden coach, we have applauded her environmentally responsible approach to life.
| The transport of the future? |
But there is more than to Her Majesty’s green credentials than horse manure and the solar panels in her crown, and the Mail has seen a few of the changes she’s made.
Before Wednesday, when the green Queen will address a conference on climate change in Berlin, the Mail would like its readers to consider the Queen’s record to date.
And it is impressive.
For starters, the fleet of royal limousines has been converted to run on environmentally-friendly liquefied petroleum.
Light at Buckingham Palace is given by energy-saving light-bulbs. The Palace’s skylights have been double-glazed and a recycling programme implemented.
Other than the Royal Family moving from their palatial London residence into a small castle – or ”flat” as royals call it – we struggle to think what more the Queen could do to save the planet.
Until that is we turn to the Express and note that the new phone mast raised on her Balmoral estate has been painted – you guessed it – green.
The mast – raised after police officers trailing the Queen as she shoots wildlife complained that the area’s poor reception made their mobile phones useless – is also partly obscured from view by pine trees.
This is pioneering stuff, and today we urge you to follow Her Majesty’s brave lead and go green.
But if you don’t have a Scottish estate to reequip with Earth friendly gadgets, try to do what you can do – like buying some green wellies and making a pair of gloves from an old corgi…’
Oldest Swinger In Town
‘ITS bad enough having to live with them, but Bill Clinton claims he saw images of Hillary and Chelsea bathed in light as he lay on the table during his heart operation.
| ”In the hole!” |
Hillarys picture or Chelseas face would appear on the light, and then theyd fly off into the dark, into the distance, he recalls in todays Mirror.
And other people I knew and cared about. It was amazing.
Monica Lewinsky, Gennifer Flowers, Paula Jones…it was like one giant home movie for the former US President.
And given recent revelations about Abi Titmusss powers of healing, we dont doubt that Slick Willy made room for a medicinal image or two of her as well.
But Abi (like Bill) is yesterdays news this morning the papers attention is devoted to a 41-year-old swinger by the name of Colin Montgomerie.
News is that the champion golfer is dating 30-year-old Ines Sastre, one of the worlds most sought-after models, according to the Mail.
And the reasons why are plain for readers of the Mail and the Sun and the Mirror to see.
Of course, this allows the papers to dust off their favourite golfing puns about bagging a birdie, as well as publishing a picture of the senorita spilling out of her dress at a recent wedding.
But a tendency to spill out of their clothes is not the only thing the couple have in common.
Not only is Ines a keen golfer, but the Mirror says she has also recently been through a painful break-up from Irish games machine entrepreneur Neil Taylor.
And mum Candelas tells the paper: Theyre both single, my daughters young and very pretty and theres nothing to stop the things that happen between two single people happening.
What those things are she does not elucidate, but we read in the Sun that the things that happen between two single people do not happen as often as the things that happen between two married people.
A survey has found that married women are having more sex and more adventurous sex than single women, averaging two shags a week.
More than half of all married women, however, admit faking orgasms, says the Mirror, while 62% admit enlisting the help of sex toys.
The number of married women who have faked an orgasm while playing with a sex toy is not recorded.’
Patronising Joan Collins
‘IN the summer, Anorak urged its readers to vote for the UK Independence Party because Joan Collins was going to vote for them.
| A new political dynasty |
It is a political rule of thumb here at Anorak Towers to put our cross in the same box as whichever middle-aged actress takes our fancy at the time.
So, imagine our embarrassment at our discovery this morning that Miss Collins may not have cast her vote for UKIP at all.
In an interview with the Spectator (and relayed to us via the Mail), the actress says that she is a patron of the party but not necessarily a supporter.
Patron means they put my name at the head of their paper, she says.
And it means I could be a supporter but it doesnt necessarily mean that Im going to vote that way. I understand there have been some changes.
This is a novel attitude to the concept of patronage Hitler could perhaps have argued that he was just a patron of the Nazi party, not a supporter.
But Joan is passionate about her beliefs so passionate indeed is she in her hatred of all things European that she lives 2,000 miles away…’
A Sorry Excuse
‘REGULAR readers of Anorak will know that we are keen students of the readers poll in the Daily Express.
| ”Do one’s lederhosen look big in this?” |
The views of the lunatics and Joan Collins lookalikes who read the paper are testimony to why our forefathers resisted the universal franchise for so long.
But despite questions more loaded than a 21-year-old George Bush at a frat party, the paper has consistently failed to get a Saddam-like 100% approval rating.
Is hanging too good for the scum who abuse our children? it asks and 99% of its readership pick up the phone to give a resounding YES.
But maybe today is the day when the papers German-loving proprietor Richard Desmond at last achieves his goal.
Should the Queen say sorry to the Germans? todays poll asks.
And you dont need a woman whos had more lifts than John Prescotts missus to tell you the answer to that…’
Abi – The Lifesaver
‘WE at Anorak have been known to make some outrageous claims for our esteemed publication it can improve your sex life, boost your self-confidence, give you whiter teeth etc.
| Abi is available on the NHS and through all discount video shops |
But we have never been so bold as to claim, as the Sun does this morning: This paper could save your life.
[While there is no direct evidence that Anorak saves lives, however, we do advise readers not to test out the theory by trying to live without their daily dose.]
The basis of the Suns claim is a health special, comprising 20 DIY tests designed to provide early warnings of any problems with your health.
These include counting your breaths, checking your ankles, looking at your fingernails, balancing on one foot and poring over a picture of ex-nurse Abi Titmus every day.
Helpfully, the Sun provides just such a picture of the sex romp video queen for the better health of its readers.
But a word of warning those with a weak heart should refrain from turning to Page 7 where we see Abi flashing her man-made assets in a LESBIAN [their capitals, not ours] photoshoot.
Lads mag FHM has teamed Abi with busty model Victoria Silvstedt in what is presumably a first-aid class for its readers.
And 28-year-old Abi reveals: Best bit was when we were oiled up topless. Victorias breasts are absolutely spectacular.
Victoria returns the compliment sort of. Abi has the most beautiful eyes, she says. Not that I have anything against touching her boobs or anything.
And readers of the Star can also gaze fondly into the Fantasy Channel presenters beautiful eyes as she appears (dressed only in her underwear, of course) in a picture exclusive that is worth a stay in any number of health spas.
The NHS may have lost a nurse when Abi quit her job, but rest assured that she is providing her very own national health service…in a paper or magazine near you.’
Bringing Home The Bacon
‘NEWS that three England football players have spent up to £2m on a year-long betting bender barely merits a paragraph in the Cobham Gazette, let alone the front page of the Sun.
| This little piggy went to Notting Hill |
But the paper that could save your life thinks it its duty to regale us with tales of how John Terry, Wayne Bridge and Scott Parker blew £13,000 in one three-hour visit to the bookies.
Had they blown the money on a nice bottle of wine, maybe bought some of Damien Hirsts artwork from The Pharmacy or put the money in a charity collectors tin, that would have been news.
Far more interesting is the front-page story in the Star about all the cash randy Rebecca Loos has made since she outed herself as David Beckhams lover.
The paper says she has just paid £500,000 in cash for a two-bedroom flat in Londons Notting Hill, where shell count Robbie Williams and Hugh Grant as her neighbours.
She was smitten with Becks and heartbroken when the fling was cut short, says a pal. Shes lost in love, but shes a winner in the money stakes.
Clearly, pigs are prepared to pay a lot for a happy ending…’
No Ifs, Big Butts
‘REBECCA Loos may feel like a pig rolling in the proverbial shit, but half a million quid is small change to her former lover.
| Posh is the one in the middle |
And the Mail says David Beckham is set to add to his bulging bank balance by starring in a Pepsi commercial with Jennifer Lopez and Beyonce Knowles.
The paper says news that he was off to meet two of the worlds most glamorous women one a renowned man-eater would have gone down like a lead balloon with Posh.
And it says that the two alluring divas may already have rendezvoused with the England football captain to start shooting the ad.
The Sun describes the ad as a kind of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon meets Kill Bill, in which Becks has to fight the two singers.
Our moneys on Becks after all, if he cant kick those butts…’
Frocks On The Box
‘THE National TV Awards is traditionally a tame affair, and last night was no exception with neer a piece of pizza or a bowl of pea soup being thrown.
| ”And the award for best use of cleavage in soap goes to..” |
The evening passed without a sandwich flying into orbit, Judy Finnegan drank her champagne without spilling it and the only hint of trouble were some bread crumbs left on Table 13.
In short, the food at the Royal Albert Hall did what food at these bashes is supposed to do – it remained determinedly on the plate.
And thats good news with the array of expensive dresses on display in this mornings paper.
Would we have wanted to see Hollyoaks Jodi Albert on the front of the Star picking mozzarella from her impressive cleavage?
Would Coronation Streets Tina OBrien have been smiling quite as broadly on the front of the Mirror if she had just got an egg and cress sandwich in the face?
And what a shame it would have been if Carol Vodermans full-length white Hardy Amies dress had been splattered with green soup!
Thankfully, however, the evening passed without incident. Even the streaker who leapt on stage as Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne were presenting an award was wearing a G-string.
So, we should move straight to the awards themselves and tell you how Suranne Jones won the Best Actress award, David Jason was Best Actor (for the 37th year in a row), Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? was Best Quiz (for the sixth year in a row) and Ant & Dec won Best Entertainment Presenter.
But that would be missing the point these shows are all about the frocks.
And the Suns fashion editor Erica Davies has found a horror among the satin and babydoll numbers that were the order of the day for most guests.
Step forward, Big Brothers Michelle, who looked appalling in a far-too-tight brown asymmetric frock and heavy brown shoes with matching lank-haired goon in cowboy hat…’
Who’s The Chucker?
‘IT is just as well that no pizza was thrown at last nights National TV Awards wed be arguing over who threw it for weeks afterwards.
| Cole gives the Dutchman a pizza his mind |
Its now three days since the infamous food fight in the Old Trafford tunnel and the identity of the player who flung the Pepperoni Plus has not been established.
Using the latest technology to produce a computer-generated reconstruction of the crime, the Sun points the finger of blame at Arsenal left-back Ashley Cole.
It says the 23-year-old grabbed the slice from the dressing room and hurled it at Manchester United striker Ruud Van Nistelrooy.
But United manager Sir Alex Ferguson got in the way and his suit was covered in the tomato and cheese topping.
But the Star has been doing a bit of detective work of its own and claims that it was actually 17-year-old Cesc Fabregas who deep-panned the gum-chewing 62-year-old.
Its evidence is the weight of money on the Spanish midfielder, who was backed into 2-1 at bookies laying odds on the culprit before betting was suspended.
Whoever it was, the marketing men have been quick off the mark to try to turn the situation to their advantage.
The Star is offering readers a deal to win an Asda pizza every week for a year, while the Sun has teamed up with Pizza Hut to create two new pizzas – the Flaming Fergie and the Wenger Wobbler.
And Anorak (in conjunction with Marios Slice Of Heaven) is selling its very own commemorative dish Fabregaspacho soup with Cole-slaw salad.’
Not Ducking The Issue
‘THE American press is for the most part so craven that the news should be printed on yellow paper.
| ”Get off your horse and eat your pretzel” |
The headlong rush to war which has left the United States (and Britain) embroiled in a nightmare conflict in Iraq was in part the fault of an unquestioning media.
Journalists who dared to question the official line were sidelined or denounced as unpatriotic, only to see their arguments borne out by events.
Freedom of speech in the USA is, it seems, a right only by constitution, not by practice.
So, that is why this morning Anorak salutes the Lone Star Iconoclast, the local rag in President Bushs hometown of Crawford, Texas, for endorsing John Kerry in next weeks election.
The decision, says the Mirror, has cost the paper half its normal 920 circulation and most of its advertising revenue.
Editor Leon Smith has been called just about every name in the book and some that arent in the book.
And residents have removed the paper from the local café and the towns two souvenir shops.
We felt betrayed, says Larry Nelson, who sells Luvya Dubya trinkets at one of the souvenir shops.
But still Smith and reporter Nathan Diebenow are unrepentant.
I think hes more Donald Duck than John Wayne, Diebenow says of the President. If you poke him and pull his feathers, hell eventually just explode.
Heres hoping…’
Food Fight
‘IF Arsene Wenger, Sir Alex Ferguson and their players had been following the Mirrors seven-day sex diet, there would have been no pea soup or pizza thrown in the tunnel at Old Trafford.
| ”Who had rice?” |
Instead, the fracas after Sundays clash between the two giants of English football would have involved nothing more deadly than chopped celery and grated carrot.
True, Fergusons blazer might still have needed a visit to the dry cleaners after having a small pot of natural yoghurt thrown over it.
And perhaps Wenger would have got caught in the crossfire as the two sets of players traded wholemeal pitta stuffed with guacamole.
But far from screaming insults at each other over the validity of Manchester Uniteds penalty claim, the chances are the two men would have ended up in a passionate clinch.
The Mirror claims its seven-day Libido Diet is guaranteed to get you in the mood.
Our plan, it says, is packed with aphrodisiac foods to help you to feel sexier and get aroused faster.
There were no problems with the speed at which the Manchester United and Arsenal players got aroused, judging from the story in this mornings Sun.
It claims the Gunners pelted 62-year-old Ferguson with pizza, soup and sandwiches as tempers exploded after the match, which United won 2-0.
United striker Ruud Van Nistelrooy, who scored the disputed penalty, lit the fuse, the paper says, by tapping Wenger on the arm and making a comment.
Wenger turned on Fergie and, according to a United insider, started screaming and finger-prodding him as food started to fly out of the Arsenal dressing room.
In case you cannot imagine the scene, the Sun has a computer generated picture of what it is dubbing The Battle of the Buffet.
In the foreground is a rather camp looking Ferguson being drenched in pea soup and pizza as Wenger looks on; behind them, Gary Neville yells at no-one in particular as Van Nistelrooy appears to be taking part in a karaoke contest; and behind them Wayne Rooney and Thierry Henry are locked in a belly-butting contest.
But the piece de resistance is referee Mike Riley in the background with whistle in mouth and his left arm raised. Presumably hes just awarded an indirect free kick…’
Leaping Salmon
‘BIDDY Baxter would no doubt be turning in her grave at the exploits of some of the recent Blue Peter presenters.
| Next week, Zoe will be teaching you how to make your very own pole dancer’s pole |
From Peter Duncans softcore porn to Richard Bacons cocaine shame, from John Leslies home sex videos to Anthea Turners chocolate fetish, the programme is no longer the bastion of innocence it once was.
But who better to put the bounce back into the BBCs flagship childrens programme than a 24-year-old trampolining former Miss Northern Ireland.
Zoe Salmon was yesterday unveiled as the 30th – and newest presenter after coming through the audition with flying colours.
Programme editor Richard Marson tells the Mail: She coped brilliantly with the challenge of demonstrating a temperamental remote-controlled car, handling a kinkajou from London zoo and making a Christmas card.
But it was her total assurance on the trampoline that really impressed us.
That and, no doubt, the pictures of her in her underwear that adorn all of this mornings tabloids…’
The Ring Cycle
‘IF Zoe Salmon were asked to give herself a mark out of 10 for her looks, she would probably be too modest to award herself a perfect score.
| ”A few varicose veins and some facial hair and she’ll be well sound,” says Wayne |
The same cannot be said of many of her contemporaries, according to a poll of twentysomething Brits in this mornings Sun.
One in 10 women and one in five men award themselves either a nine or a ten for their looks (with only four per cent of men and 11% of women giving themselves a mark below five).
This may come as a surprise to anyone who has bothered to open their eyes recently, especially as more than a third of women in their twenties are already considering cosmetic surgery.
But it is not only on her looks that Zoe Salmon will score highly according to another poll in the Star her accent is a turn-on as well.
Research from Yahoo! Personals also discovered that Scousers like Jennifer Ellison and Wayne Rooney have turned Liverpool into the countrys passion capital.
That at least is one interpretation of the findings that the city tops the charts based on the number of marriages and engagements.
Another is that Tracy Shaw lives nearby…’
Crazy For Martin
‘SOAPS love a loony theres nothing like a bug-eyed loon on a murderous mission to get the rating figures up (think Janine, Lisa, Cindy…).
| ”I’ve only got you now, Teddy” |
The latest crazy lady to grace Albert Square and the front page of the tabloids is Sarah.
She seems to have finally realised that Martin isnt going to leave his wife for her so, rather than sit around listening to Dido and knocking back Chardonnay like most spurned women, Sarahs decided to kill the entire Fowler family – but its hard to hold that against her though really, isnt it?
Shes already hospitalised Pauline by pushing her off a ladder and now shes had Martin arrested. She told police that Martin had beaten her up after their one-night stand and was indeed sporting a face full of (self-inflicted) bruises.
Shes now broken into the Fowler house with a knife to terrorise Sonia. Unfortunately, though, its odds-on that itll be Sarah who ends up dead or written out.
As one mad woman leaves though, another returns Kat Moon is back! She back and shes paralytically drunk. Well, she was born a Slater.
As she was unconscious, its difficult to know if shes returned to try and make a go of her marriage or just to raid the cellars of The Queen Vic.
Another Slater sister turning to drink is Zoe. After being dumped by Dennis, she decided to hit the tequilas in Angies Den.
Dennis is struggling to choose between Zoe and his space-hopper sister, Sharon, so hes gone away to sort me ed out so thats the last well see of him then, hopefully.
Just as we get rid of one useless Watts, another one returns. Vicky is back in Walford and working in the launderette for some bizarre reason.
Chrissie is still determined to end Vickys relationship with her tutor Tommy on the grounds that hes a disgusting old pervert, leching after young women.
Well, from someone whos been married to Dirty Den, we can only bow to her superior knowledge.’
Pooch Spice
‘VICTORIA Beckham apparently once burst into a chorus of Who let the dogs out? when Jordan turned up at Old Trafford to watch her then boyfriend Dwight Yorke play football.
| Roll over. Beg. Play dead… |
How Jordan must be laughing this morning!
Not only can she read news that she and half-pint boyfriend Peter Andre are to star in a new £1m reality TV programme, but she can see her rival in a canine ID parade.
Katie Dreamer, a 21-year-old from Lowestoft in Suffolk, has sent in a picture of her dog Pippa which she claims is the spitting image of Posh.
They have the same high cheekbones, she says. I doubt even Becks could tell them apart.
And the Sun agrees those big eyes, long locks and snub nose, it says, surely we must be looking at Victoria Beckham.
Indeed, the resemblance is uncanny…although nothing compared with Anoraks favourite goldfish Karl, who is the body double of Leslie Ash.’
Don’t Mention The Wars
‘IF you see a lot of people standing on one leg, looking at their face in the mirror or trying to read business card while catching a falling ruler, do not be surprised.
| Belgian modern art |
They are only trying to calculate their real biological age with four tests designed to tell whether theyre younger or older than their age in years.
The first test, for instance, tests your balance the longer you can balance on your left leg with your right leg bent at a 45 degree angle, the younger you are.
The second test looks for cholesterol, the third tests your eyesight and the fourth gauges your reaction time.
And the Express says the results are so accurate that one leading expert in ageing, Professor Robert Weale, thinks they should be used to determine a persons retirement age.
Meanwhile, the Mail has a test of its own to help determine a persons age and this one has the official sanction of the European Union.
It divides the population into those who have any idea what happened in Britain between the dates 1914-1919 and 1939-1945 and those who dont.
For increasingly children will learn that nothing of any interest happened during those dates, after Brussels decided to omit all mention of Britains role in two world wars from a school history book it has produced.
The first date worthy of mention in the British section of the book, Histoires de lEuroppe Volume 1, is 1931 when the Commonwealth was formed, followed by 1947 when Britain pulled out of India.
The section of Germany manages to omit all mention of the Nazis, although it does note that 1929 saw a surge in extremist movements and Hitler became chancellor in 1933.
About 10,000 copies of the book have been distributed to children in Belgium aged between 16 and 18.
Many of whom, we imagine, will now be somewhat confused about what those rows and rows of white headstones are doing in their country…’
Rooney Watch
‘WHAT do you give a boy who earns £50,000 a week for his birthday? asks the Sun.
| Now Wayne will know when his hour with Maureen is up |
The answer, if youre Mike Riley (the referee of yesterdays Manchester United v Arsenal match) is a penalty.
If youre Wayne Rooneys girlfriend, however, the answer is a £15,000 designer watch bought with his own money.
The paper says 18-year-old Coleen McLoughlin handed the Franck Muller timepiece to her 19-year-old fiancé just before he set off for Old Trafford yesterday.
A pal says: Wayne has pots of cash, but hes very generous. He knows Coleen is desperate to spoil him and hes delighted to pay for her to do it.
Nice as we dont doubt the watch is, there are better ways for Coleen to spoil her Wayne.
An all-expenses paid Saga holiday, holiday for instance…’
Prince Pushy
”’HEY, Harry, who did your A-levels for you then, mate?” asks an unknown voice from the crowd.
| ”Know what I mean, ‘Arry” |
Simple enough question, on the face of it. But still Prince Harry Windsor managed to give a wrong answer. Perhaps he needed some help.
So with a rush of blood to the head, the Star says Harry simply erupted out of the car taking him home after a boozy night out in London’s West End and offered the clever retort: ”You f***ing w***ker. Why are you doing this to me?”
He then, as the Sun says in a piece entitled ”Harry Potty”, lunged at photographer Chris Uncle, pushing him into wall and shoving his camera into his face. Minders then bundled him back into his waiting car and drove him away.
”Harry lost it,” says Uncle inside the Sun alongside a photograph of the bloodied lip he received from the fiery prince.
”He’s a big lad and pretty intimidating,” Uncle goes on. ”He hit my camera which smashed into my face. You don’t expect this from a Z-list celebrity, let alone a prince.”
But Harry doesn’t need to be big to fight battles, not when he’s surrounded by a phalanx of burly security guards and protected by what the paper terms ”a senior Clarence House source”, who tells the Sun:” It’s fair to say Harry was fired up. He’d been drinking and was tired and emotional.”
Or, to put it another way, he’s a 20-year-old lad out on the town for a spot of binge drinking, splashing out £300 on a bottle of vodka and tequila slammers (Express) at Pangaea nightclub and then getting into a fight.
Try replacing the words ”tired and emotional” with ”pissed and violent”.
But before the Express can add Harry’s name to the article ”Violent Britain…It’s Getting Worse”, a study in rising levels of crime, and label Harry a brainless yob, the Sun’s royal snapper, Arthur Edwards, wants to share his thoughts.
”I have every sympathy for Harry – he walks straight out of a club into the ‘Nikon choir,” says Edwards, whose scoops include taking pictures of the back of Prince Charles’ balding head.
And here’s James Whitaker, that royal raspberry, telling Mirror readers that he too has a ”degree of sympathy” for Harry, who has ”all the charm in the world” (see Chris Uncle’s lip).
And even the Mirror’s staff photographer, Harry Page, laments how a few bad apples in the paparazzi barrel give them all a bad name.
”By losing his temper he has played straight into their hands,” moans Page – whose too true and wise words appear to the right of six pictures of Harry displaying his famous, er, charm…’
The Adams Family
‘ONE who can certainly sympathise with poor Prince Harry is Victoria Beckham, who knows a thing or three about life in the glare of flashbulbs.
| Tony Adams |
Like Harry, Vicky doesn’t ask to be in the papers. It’s just those awful paparazzi scum who keep taking pictures of her and their evil editors who think the shots are of massive public interest.
But things are set to change for Victoria, who is currently on a tour of China, where she’s pictured accepting a bouquet of flowers from a ”star-stuck” youngster.
News is that such invasive pictures of her going about her everyday wonderful life are to be placed under the auspices of her dad, Tony Adams.
He’s going to give up his job at an electrical wholesale firm and work for his daughter full-time.
The paper says that Vicky only wants people she can trust around her and plans to form an ”inner circle” of just such characters.
The good news is that there are still a couple of places in the inner circle up for grabs.
If you are a tanning expert, for instance, write to Victoria with a full CV and a list of your 10 favourite orange-skinned celebrities…’
Polyps Service
‘THE orange hair…the stroppy behaviour towards the paparazzi…the closeness to Princess Diana…
| Rock The Joint 2004 |
Dismiss thoughts of James Hewitt and wonder if Elton John is really Prince Harry’s dad.
If those similarities between Elton and Harry were not enough, we now read in the Express that, just like wayward prince, Elton has smoked marijuana.
In an interview with Canadian television, Elton says how he began smoking weed heavily in the 1980s following his marriage to Renate Blauel.
But he smoked such large volumes of blow that his voice became croaky and he was barely able to sing.
”I could speak, and only barely sing,” says Elton. ”Deep down I knew that something was chronically wrong with my voice. It was polyps.”
But these polyps – tiny growths on the singer’s vocal chords – were removed by surgery, lowering the timbre of Elton’s voice.
”It’s deeper,” says Elton, ”has more resonance. And it’s stronger. I used to be a piano player who sang and now I’m a singer who plays piano.”
And a darn fine example to young Harry…’
A Right Pair
‘IS there nothing Richard Madeley and Judy Finnigan won’t do in the shameless pursuit of ratings for their TV shows?
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| ‘Put your tits away for the lads…’ |
Few can forget the moment when Judy resorted to the basest sexual provocation when she became the supposed victim of a wardrobe malfunction at the 2000 National Television Awards.
Given the ensuing revelations about the depraved private life of John Leslie – who once, like Richard & Judy, presented TV’s This Morning – how much of a coincidence was it that of all people it was the too-tall Scot who should have bolted onto the stage and rearranged Judy’s top?
Looking on at that mess was like popping round to your aged aunt and uncle’s for a cuppa and finding them hosting a swingers’ party.
And now more sad revelations about the pair whose career has brought them up against so many great and good stars.
The Mirror says that Matthew Wright, presenter of Channel Five’s The Wright Stuff magazine show, has accused Richard & Judy of stooping to ‘dirty tricks’.
Wright claims that newsreader Jon Snow was told in no uncertain terms that, if he appeared to plug his new book on The Wright Stuff, he would be booted off Richard & Judy.
‘Tom Cruise I can understand,’ says Wright. ‘Joan Collins perhaps, but Jon Snow on a Monday morning seems a little heavy-handed. They must be desperate to worry about little old me.’
The Sun says things went further, and that Richard & Judy’s producers threatened to ban all authors from Snow’s HarperCollins publishing house if he appeared with Wright.
Coming as this does in the same week that Paul O’Grady accused the couple of ‘rustling’ guests from his own daytime chat show, it looks very much as if Richard & Judy are not afraid to take the gloves off when the going gets tough.
And judging by Judy’s past exploits, she’ll then stick on some shackles and beg to be whipped by her rubber-clad husband.’
