Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Tan Dan’s A Man Fan
‘DID David Beckham cheat on his pregnant wife Victoria with a beautician flown out to Madrid to give them both fake tans, as yesterday’s Sunday Mirror claimed?
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| True or false? |
Or is Dannielle Heath a ‘ruthless man-eater’ who made the whole story up to try to blackmail the England football captain, as this morning’s Sun has it?
We have even less idea than the papers, which are nevertheless happy to repeat the allegations in all their gory details while also recording the Beckhams’ strenuous denials.
The Mirror, for instance, reports that Posh, who met Dannielle on a visit to a tanning salon in Essex, introduced her to her husband with the words, ‘David, this is Dannielle. Dannielle, this is David – you’ve probably shagged already.’
And the Sun tells how Dannielle alleges she was seduced by David on both occasions she visited the couple’s Madrid house – once in August of this year and once last month.
‘I had been flown out to apply a fake tan and we ended up sunbathing by the pool,’ she claims.
‘He complimented me on my figure and I told him I wanted to lose about half a stone. David told me ‘Don’t – you’re perfect as you are.’
‘I was really flattered. He rubbed some cream on my body and started to get aroused. He asked me to go inside to his bedroom and lie down next to him.’
What did or did not go on behind closed doors, dear reader, we leave to your imagination.
What is far more interesting, however, are the little details in the various different accounts.
For instance, now we know that the Beckhams prefer to fly someone out from Britain to apply their fake tans rather than hire someone in Madrid.
We also learn, courtesy of the Mirror, that you’re never too young to be orange – five-year-old Brooklyn apparently also had a spray tan so he could ‘look just like mummy’.
And we are once again reminded that you can barely walk a step in the Beckhams’ various mansions without stumbling upon one set of in-laws or another.
Dannielle claims that David’s mother Sandra once walked in on her while she was sitting on the edge of her bed talking with the Real Madrid midfielder.
Meanwhile, David insists that the affair couldn’t have taken place as described because his mum and the couple’s nanny Abi were there the whole time.
And no doubt Victoria’s mum Jackie Adams also saw the whole thing from the wardrobe where she was hiding…’
Fear Factor
‘A VISIT from your in-laws may be a source of terror for all but the likes of Posh and Becks, but it’s not even in our Top 10 of greatest fears.
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| Nothing that a squirt of Baygon can’t sort out |
Top of the list, according to the Express, is our fear of spiders and other creepy-crawlies – which causes us more stress even than the prospect of a terrorist attack.
Psychologist Donna Dawson explains that the fear of small creatures – also known as antandecophobia – is ancient and primordial.
‘It goes straight back to caveman days,’ she says, ‘and what might be lurking in the back darkness of our cave homes which could hurt us.’
By the same token, we should be terrified of woolly mammoths and sabre toothed tigers – but they don’t even figure in the list.
Instead, our betes noirs (after spiders and terrorists) are snakes, followed by our fear of heights, death, dentists, injections, public speaking, debt and flying.
Other fears mentioned included the fear of growing old alone, of turning into your parents and of waking up naked next to a very happy looking Vanessa Feltz.’
Don’t Mention The War
‘WHILE we in Britain seem addicted to the sitcom that is the Beckhams’ marriage, what are our funny foreign friends abroad watching?
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| Prime cut |
According to a poll of viewers by BBC Prime, which shows British TV in more than 100 countries, Fawlty Towers is still the No.1.
And this allows the Sun once again to hark back fondly to the show’s famous episode in which John Cleese goose-steps in from of his German guests.
There is no place for The Office in the Top 10, while Britain’s favourite sitcom Only Fools And Horses comes in at a lowly eighth place.
What is perhaps more amazing is that anyone could think of ten BBC sitcoms that they actually liked.
Then again, if Keeping Up Appearances can come second on the list, it shows that there really is no accounting for taste…’
Class Warfare
‘NOT every child can be a boy wizard like Harry Potter. Some little loves need a bit of fine tuning and some careful planning to live out their parents dreams.
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| ‘Is the answer to be born rich, sir?’ |
And today the Mail rehashes the guide it saw in the esteemed Economist magazine, which instructs mums and dads in the ways that will guarantee a space for their talented nippers at a top university.
Overlooking the obvious ways be born into Royalty; pay the bursar a sizable backhander; learn to row the article, illustrated by a flowchart graphic, maps the route to higher education nirvana.
In essence, the move is to get your child into a good primary school by either going private, convincing the local rector youre pious enough for his religious establishment or paying a premium to live close to a good state one.
Then get them a private tutor.
Next, send the fruit of your loins to private school, a good religious school or pay that premium to live within the catchment area of a decent state run secondary school.
And now heres the devious bit. Parents of children at the local comp or Church school need to stump up around £10k a head for yet more private tutoring, and pray.
Those parents of children at private schools should adopt class warfare camouflage and put their child into state school in the 6th form.
Then its on to university, where your child can spend all day lying in their own mess, killing their brain cells with a combination of cheap alcohol, cheaper drugs and daytime TV.
Then, after a gap of three years, unable to get a decent job, the child can return home to live with you until you can buy them a home or die trying…’
Naked Ambition
‘WHEN we all heard that pregnant Jessie Wallace was back with her ex-copper boyfriend, Dave Morgan, we wanted to ask her: Are there any more like you at home?
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| Jessie and Danielle |
Jessie might well be a one-man woman, but the legion of admirers who follow her every move on EastEnders and through the pages of TV Quick and Animal Husbandry dream about dating the sexiest woman in soap.
And to them there now comes some heartening news.
The Mail has popped round to the Wallace familys drum in the rough eastern suburbs of Ascot and found blonde Danielle Mason, Jessies 21-year-old sister.
And the timing could not have been better because Danielle was just getting dressed/undressed when she rushed to open the door in her pink bra and knickers.
And its lucky for her that it was the Sun that arrived for a chat, it being the paper with the famous Page 3 slot, into which Danielles breasts have just slotted.
Jessie thinks I can be a big-name model like Jordan or Melinda Messenger, says Danielle, now topless. And thats good because Jessie really admires Jordan.
But shes less sure of Jodie Marsh and Abi Titmuss, who incidentally, form two parts of the Stars feature presentation: Rise and rise of the SUPA slapper.
And thats SUPA: Sexy, Up-for-it, Predatory and Ambitious. In other words, just the kind of thrusting women the Star likes to feature in full slapper mode each and every day.
And there is Jodie Marsh, kind of dressed in her black bra and knickers. And there too is Abi Titmuss, sporting her white bra and knickers.
And besides them are the other two SUPA slappers, namely Sophie Anderton (no bra) and Rebecca Loos (bikini top, sarong, pigs semen).
They truly are awful women. And we urge Star readers to escape them in the Stars sister paper, the Express, where Kylie Minogue is seen out on the town with her sister Dannii – the sisters many regard as the original Jessie and Danielle….’
Potter Shots
‘IF you could kill anyone who would it be?
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| ‘You wouldn’t shoot a boy in glasses?’ |
We are not by nature callous or cruel and are aware that this is a macabre question, and one that does not sit easily with many of you.
But imagine for a moment that you have in your hands a snipers rifle and are looking through the lens.
Now, who is it you see appearing in the line of fire? Come on, think.
Yes, thats it. Before long the image of a small bespectacled boy with a goody-goody demeanour moves into the frame.
Watch out, Harry Potter, theres a bullet coming and its got your name written all over it.
And youre not alone in this reverie. As the Sun reports, Potters creator, JK Rowling, has not ruled out the possibility of killing off the nerd in the next book.
When asked by a fan during a website chat if she is going to kill off any more characters, Rowling told her inquisitor – presumed to be 40-year-old mother-of-two Yes, sorry.
She need not be sorry. Hers is the pen to wield as she must. If she says a character must die, then die it must.
But although Potter remains in her sights, bookies are offering long odds of 33-1 on his offing. The hot favourite is somebody called Hagrid, who is the 3-1 hot front runner.
Followed by any thirtysomething seen reading one of the Potter stories on a train, a bus or a swing…’
Plain Nuts
‘YOU can hear the click-clack of typewriter ribbons being worn to shreds as enraged people respond to the Mails invitation to vent your spleen on this barmy conkers ban.
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| ‘Now to draw and quarter the bastard’ |
This is, is it not, a clear case of some form of political correctness gone mad, fat bureaucracy, a nanny state suffocating the children in their playroom.
It beggars belief.
In sum, it is a massive overreaction to the idea that the many children who nowadays suffer from nut allergies can be damaged if they come into contact with a horse chestnut.
Despite a lack of evidence that any child has ever suffered by merely rubbing up against a shelled conker, schools like Bookwell Primary in Egremont, Cumbria, have banned the conker.
We have some children with severe nut allergies and children have been told not to bring conkers in, says headmaster Gary Postlethwaite.
Headmistress Chris Marshall of Ivy Lane Primary in Chippenham, Wilts, concurs.
We have a pupil with really severe reactions to nuts, conkers are related to nuts and are therefore completely banned from the school, says she.
All very valid, but the case is most succinctly put by Veronica OGrady, headmistress of Menstrie Primary, near Stirling.
The ban was enforced after we took advice from a dietician, says she. When you are talking about childrens lives you cannot be too careful.
Quite so.
So, as we reported earlier in the week, children in Cummersdale School, Cumbria, are only allowed to play conkers if they wear protective goggles.
And today we hear the Suns news that Jan Corlett, head of Hayton Church of England School, wants her charges to wear gloves to protect their fingers from the ravages of conker abuse.
Another school in South Shields had gone to the source of the problem and lopped off the branches from a row of conker trees – to prevent children climbing them and possibly falling out and killing themselves or someone walking a small terrier beneath.
You cannot be too careful, and the Suns graphic of ROBO CONK a picture of a young conker gladiator in hard hat, breathing mask, goggles, gloves, body armour and kneepads surely points to the way ahead.
Its pretty clear that these conkers are the epitome of pure evil. And if we had our way, theyd be strung up from the nearest tree.
As lifelong Mail reader John Bull puts it: Hanging really is too good for them.’
A Hollow Victory
‘LORD Nelson would have had a few words to say about the ban on playing conkers.
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| Pret a manger |
He started the campaign to rid the world of these evil nuts a long while back, right after one took his eye out and another rendered an arm useless.
Hed also have a few bons mots to say about the Expresss story on how celebrations to mark the 200th anniversary of the Battle of Trafalgar have been put in vinegar.
Well, at least they have in unpatriotic Totnes, Devon, the place where Nelson was made a freeman of the borough.
Times have moved on since 1805 and the seaside town is now twinned with Vire in Normandy.
It would be rather tasteless of us to celebrate a victory over a country we are allied with and twinned with, says local councillor Tony Mead.
We have honoured this man enough, says former Totnes mayor, Judy Westacott. He has had his reward from us.
We have also spent enough money on him – the Express reports that over the past year London mayor Ken Livingstone has spent £106,000 on a hawk to scare off pigeons from Trafalgar Square, so preventing French pigeons defecating on Nelsons memory and, er, head.
Livingstone also spent a further £30,000 on a scientific study to check that his hawk has not caused the pigeons undue stress.
This is a fair slice of money, working out at £28 for each of the 4,850 pigeons that have disappeared from the London landmark.
Which makes us wonder where the flying rats have gone? And why the local fast food van has moved from meat to fowl..?’
A Nuclear Christmas
‘WHEN the itching trigger fingers need scratching and the nuclear bombs have been fired, what will be left?
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| ‘Nuclear fusion and radiation poisoning, acid raindrops and skin tied on with string, these are a few of my favourite things’ |
Its something the BBC have been thinking about, and the Sun has had a look at what the broadcaster plans to transmit to maintain morale and keep us upbeat in our dark, dank bunkers.
So its over to Dr Ian Bradley, who uncovered the Beebs plans, to tell us what to expect.
Shortly after the siren sounds we can expect to see and hear Julie Andrews, says he.
She wont be coming to us in the form of a divine visitation, rather in the shape of Maria von Trapp, the syrupy sweet do-gooder of all our hideous Christmases.
The hills are alive with the sound of explosions, screaming and death, chants the Suns headline to this story, the words floating over a photo of Andrews dancing and singing in front of a burning Alpine landscape.
This will surely make us all feel very much better as we eat our raw rat sandwiches.
But we note that the list was drawn up 40 years ago, and since that time the BBC oeuvre has been added to massively.
And thanks to that, Earths last living human remains can watch footage of Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen stencilling his fall-out studio and the EastEnders cast preparing for Armageddon by having a Cockney knees-up round the ol Joanna.
Of course, you might not need the Beebs help to pass the time at all, not if youre lucky enough to find that youre sharing your nuclear bunker with the great Victoria Beckham, Vanessa Feltz, John Leslie, Clare Sweeney, Anthea Turner or any number of natural born entertainers.
So come me on gang, lets sing it together: So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye. I leave and heave a sigh and say goodbye. Goodbye!
Oh, and shut the door on the way out ’
Nothing To Declare
‘COLEEN McLoughlin has nothing to declare but her ignorance.
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| ‘What d’yer mean it’s the wrong kind of bag lady, Wayne?’ |
Our intention is not to be cruel or judgemental, merely to illustrate how the woman who would be Mrs Wayne Rooney didnt try to deliberately smuggle £15,000 of imported gear in from the United States via Manchester airport, as the Mail says on its front page.
Nor, for that matter, did she try and bypass the duty on the £13,000 of goods the Sun calculates were in her hold-all.
Nor the £40,000 of goods the Star and Mirror say were in her bags. Nor the £10,000 of stuff the Express spots.
Coleens was a simple error based on a gap in her knowledge. She picked the wrong channel, a mistake which led to her being held in customs for three hours as her baggage was searched and her fine totted up at 17.5% per excess item.
As the Sun explains, trippers can only bring back £145 of goods without paying duty, roughly the price of 50 New York street-style hotdogs or a small handgun.
But Coleen broke the rules and paid the price, even if it is a fee that none of the papers can agree upon.
Perhaps theyll have better luck with seeing what was in the offending bags.
The Sun clearly has no idea and just guesses at what Colleen could have had in her luggage.
None of the other papers manages to even have a peek inside the bags, although the Express does hear one of Coleens travelling pals say that they didnt like Tiffanys, preferring to spend, spend, spend in Bloomingdales.
This lack of insight make us wonder if this is an oversight by the papers or part of their plan to lessen the embarrassment for 18-year-old Coleen and so keep her on side for future interviews?
So weve taken the trouble to ask our own investigative journalist, Piers Inside, to jet off to New York and see what Coleen could have bought in Bloomingdales.
And weve just received his shopping list. It reads: 500 pairs of surgical support stockings, 15 twin-sets and pearls, 1,000 pairs of Drone brand rubber washing-up gloves, 2,000 housecoats, 750 packets of fake stick-on varicose veins and 150 cans of spray-on cellulite.
Well, if it makes Wayne happy…’
Charity Case
‘WHILE Wayne Rooney tries on the brothel creepers his Coleen brought back from her shopping trip to New York, he mustnt use them to kick himself.
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| Wayne Rooney’s screensaver |
As any good goalscorer like Wayne knows, opportunities for glory are fleeting and far between.
So it is unlikely that Richard Madeley will offer up sex with his reassuringly middle-aged and well-loved wife Judy Finnigan a second time.
The occasion for this once-in-a-lifetime, never-to-be-forgotten offer was a charity auction in honour of the recently departed TV host Caron Keating.
As the Mirror reports, when the biding for a tour of the TV studios where Richard and Judy film their daily show stalled at £1,500, Richard upped the offer – he threw in the added sweetener of sex with his wife.
Had young Rooney been in the room at Londons Savoy hotel, the bidding could have gone haywire.
But he wasnt. And although the bidding did reach £3,500, that was all it did.
Of course, since the identity of the man or woman who snared Judy is not revealed, it is possible that young Wayne made his move via a telephone bet, so maintaining a degree of anonymity.
But while we ponder that, Judy is upset that while the chance for full sex with her garnered just £3,500, another unnamed punter bid £9,500 for a sexless day out with Fern Britton at the This Morning studios.
I feel utterly humiliated, says Judy. A day at Richard and Judy including sex with me goes for £3,500. A day at This Morning including sex with no one – goes for nearly £10,000.
But, then, John Leslie does have a reputation to rebuild…’
The Big Sin
‘WHEN hes not appearing on Michael Parkinsons chat show and telling the world about his childhood, Billy Connolly performs as a comedian on stage.
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| Bearded extremist calls for hostage to be killed |
His show – a mixture of talking about his experiences in conversation with Michael Parkinson and his childhood in Glasgow – is a sensation.
But at one recent performance he departed from the tried and tested routine and tried out a new gag.
Speaking at the Carling Apollo in Hammersmith, the Sun hears the star turn address the case of Ken Bigley.
Arent you the same as me, dont you wish theyd just get on with it? he asked the audience.
What is it with him and that young Asian wife?
Certainly this is hilarious stuff and will form a major part of Connollys set the next time hes interviewed by his good pal Michael Parkinson.
But to some of the more touchy-feely elements with sense-of-humour bypasses it smacked of being obnoxious, cheap and prattish.
Youre talking about a mans life, Billy, says one voice from the crowd.
But Connolly is too experienced and long in the beard to let a heckler shoot him down, and quick as a flash and employing the full range of his comic genius he improvised the brilliant retort: F**k off.
Something he will be talking about in conversation with Michael Parkinson sometime soon…’
Honest John
‘BACK in the days when Madonna was writhing on her virgins bed, her chest ensconced in an eye-pricking conical bra as her backside asked for some hanky spanky, few noticed her vocals.
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| Can’t see her lips moving |
Nowadays, a few years older, with two children and two marriages under her reassuringly secure belt, Elton John can still see her lips moving, but hes spotted something amiss.
While attending the Q Awards and hearing Madonna being nominated for Best Live Act, the Sun hears the artist formerly known as Reg Dwight let fly.
Madonna up for Best Live Act? F*** off. Since when has lip-synching been live? he ranted as he rose to the stage where he was due to accept a songwriting award.
I think everyone who lip-synchs in public when people are paying £75 for a ticket should f*** off.
The Madonna of old would have been expected to have f****** off, probably with a troupe of provocatively clad dancers, and published her moves in an erotic book.
But these days Madonna is above such things and, as the Mail says, prefers to let her publicist speak for her.
Madonna doesnt lip-synch, nor does she spend her time trashing other artists, said her US spokeswoman, Liz Rosenberg.
A dignified response from the rather sedate Queen of Pop, but perhaps she didnt hear what John really said.
The Mail contests the Suns version of events and says instead that John told the audience that anyone caught lip-synching should be shot.
Not necessarily shot dead, just shot – although even a kneecapping seems a rather harsh punishment for faking it.
Something the once-married newly tussle-haired crooner might like to think about as he and David Furnish polish their pistols…’
Bunny In The Oven
‘HAVING heard Elton Johns view that popstars who only pretend to sing should be shot, we advise Victoria Beckham to head for the hills and not move or utter a word until we say so.
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| The rhythm method |
But our caring advice has come too late, and while hitman Elton loads his weapon and goes to see his pal in Spain, Vicky has been talking about her wonderful life.
The Sun hears her tell a Spanish magazine that Brooklyn and Romeo both like music.
And before weve had time to fully digest that revelation, she tells us how they both have rhythm.
The clear inference it that theyve got this quality from her and not from their dad, who, Posh tells us, is blessed with all the coordination of a Spice Girl.
And now shes mentioned that, we wonder what else the lads inherited from their mum. Her skin? Her vocal range? Her ability to hang onto a man?
Maybe theyve also got mums little furry white tail, whiskers and floppy ears, because, according to the woman herself, Im like a rabbit.
And, as the Express knows, rabbits have lots of bay-bees, and she and Day-vid plan to have four or five.
Of course, she has to have number three first and, while a third little boy grows in her tum-tum, she wonders what life would be like with a girl.
I love the word Luna, says she. So maybe for the next baby. A girl would be nice but you cant choose your childs sex.
Im not one to buy books and make love in set ways to increase the chance of having a girl.
So little Luna (or Loos, for short) will have to wait a while at last until Posh realises that you can choose a babys sex and that the correct position for having one is upside down, under an overhanging rock in a remote part of Chad.’
Frotted Cream
‘SURE theres the sea, the sun and the Sanatogen, but what else has Bournemouth got that makes it such a haven for political activism?
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| The Tory conference gets underway |
First the Lib Dems and now the Tories have headed for the south coast resort for their annual shindig. Why?
Mindful of this question, we turn to the Mail and read how Anthony Cleveland, a 46-year-old sales merchandiser, and 44-year-old secretary Marcia Smallman have been found guilty of dogging on one of the regions many beaches.
The couple were said to have erected a windbreak among the sand dunes of the wonderfully named Studland and performed sex acts while two naked male strangers looked on.
The pair admitted outraging public decency and have been sent on their way.
But what intrigues us is the date of their arrest: June 27 this year.
Unless we are mistaken (and well carry on until were told we are), thats around the date when political parties choose the venues for their autumn conferences.
Can this be mere coincidence? And who were those two men seen observing Cleveland and Smallman?
All we know is that one had red hair, a Scots accent and smelled of sherry, while the other wore glasses and carried a small tattoo of Margaret Thatcher on his left buttock…’
String ‘Em Up
‘MISTER Halfpenny sounds like a nice old-fashioned headmaster.
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| ‘A young Abu Hamza forgets to move his hand out of the way’ |
Not quite as old-fashioned as his predecessor Mr Farthing perhaps, but a traditional old cove nonetheless.
Which just goes to show how wrong you can be.
Admittedly, the children at his school in Carlisle still play conkers instead of new games like Bang! Bang! Youre dead! with real guns.
Yet Mr Halfpennys version of the old horse chestnut-smashing game looks more like something out of Robocop.
The kids at Cummersdale Primary School are allowed to play the game, and they are even allowed to use the word conker, despite its imperialistic overtones.
But they may do so only if they are properly attired. And what is that? Grey worsted shorts, knee socks, ties and caps? No protective safety goggles.
North East Tory Euro MP Martin Callanan is a man who has taken up the cause of conkers, according to the Daily Mail.
He says that although he applauds Mr Halfpenny for allowing conkers to be played, he thinks he has gone over the top.
I cant remember any child ever receiving a serious injury caused by a shattering conker, he says
Oh, really? Remember that young Muslim lad who was hurt all those years ago in Finsbury Park? He ended up with a hook and an eyepatch after a tragic conker accident, and was never the same again.
Wonder what happened to him ’
Bloody Hell
‘CLUBBING holidays are nothing new, but most people head for Ibiza or Greece rather than Norway.
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| Wish you were here |
Thats all about to change, however, because Nor Safari is offering a new kind of clubbing experience clubbing seals to death as part of an expanded annual cull.
For £110 a day you are guaranteed to kill at least one seal.
(NB: If you are infirm or inexperienced, you could probably finish off a badly injured pup or one of the really decrepit adults that cant move so well.)
We will make sure your hunt is one not soon forgotten, promises the brochure.
Needless to say, the British papers are not keen on the idea.
The Mirror reminds us that back in 1968 it ran a front-page story about the culls, and it finds it extraordinary that anyone would want to spend their holiday in this way.
Tourists should be encouraged to enjoy and protect animals in their natural habitat rather than kill them, says Gill Sanders of the International Fund for Animal Welfare.
The Mail says that the company could no be contacted, but there were reports of inquiries from France, Germany and Britain.’
Couch Potatoes
‘FARRELL: I fancy roll with Rebecca, announces the Sun, which is once again making its good offices available for celebrities to offer sex to one another.
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| ‘What d’yer mean she only accepts text mesages?’ |
Today its Colin Farrells turn, as he woos the notorious Rebecca Loos.
The paper says the Irish film star has invited her to a screen test on his casting couch.
Apparently, he fell for her after seeing her on TV.
Lets hope they take precautions when the happy day arrives.
No one can be sure how a baby might turn out, of course.
But given her face and his previous, it would be no oil painting.’
Red Alert Sonia
‘SONIAS not had an easy life even by Walford standards. Shes had to watch her fiancée get run over and die, her entire family abandon her and give her daughter up for adoption.
| It’s from the producer. He says: ”I’m going to have Sarah kill you, Martin and eveyone else” |
Things are about to get a whole lot worse though when she discovers that her husband of three months has slept with a loony.
Stalker Sarah has tracked Martin down after their one night-stand and is determined to split up his marriage to Sonia. Because a lanky fruit and veg seller whos done time for manslaughter is such a catch isnt he? Actually in Walford, he probably is.
Sarah manufactured a fall right in front of Sonia so that they could meet. Sonia being the nurse in training and all round good egg that she is, insisted on Sarah going home with her so she could bandage her ankle.
Martins face upon stumbling across this cosy little domestic scene was an absolute picture – imagine someone had just stumbled upon Fat Pat in nothing but her earrings and a wanton grin youd be getting close.
So far Sarah hasnt told Sonia the truth but shes enjoying torturing Martin by hinting to Sonia about her married boyfriend who, coincidentally, is also called Martin. Hes going to leave his wife for me soon, she wittered manically to Sonia as Martin made frantic arm waving motions behind her back. Oh thats nice, replied Sonia absent-mindedly.
More sexual shenanigans in the Square as Sharontella and Dennis shared yet another snog. There was much lip and nostril-quivering from the orange one as yet again he told Sharon that they can never be. Sharon got her own back by flirting with a series of random strangers in The Vic. Good on er, said Zoe, failing to notice that Dennis was smouldering in the corner, sending daggers over.
This weeks comedy storyline centred around the Miller twins playing a series of practical jokes on Garry which tells you all you need to know about why Eastenders ratings are now their lowest in history.
Garry is convinced that the Slater house is haunted because the twins keep breaking in and moving things how we laughed or rather how we all switched over to Emmerdale.
A new Eastenders producer has been brought in to try and stop the rot and rumour has it that the Ferriaras, Dirty Den, Derek and Andy are for the chop. What a great Christmas present that would be.’
Tears For Fears
‘DIAZ TEARS, reports the Mirror.
| A spot of bother |
Oh dear, not another outbreak of celebrity whinging. Well, yes and no. Its true that the occasion for Camerons tears was the Oprah Winfrey show, but she was crying not for herself but for everyone. Or everyone in America at least
Were really alone, she wailed. Where we used to be the strongest in the world, were alone.
She is worried about voter apathy, which she believes is destroying the USA.
And she was supported by fellow guest Christina Aguilera, who thinks women should vote to protect victims of domestic violence, and is ashamed of herself for not having been a part of voicing my opinion as a female and as a woman.
As a female and a woman?
Aguilera declares herself a victim of abuse, but like many abused people, she herself has become an abuser although as long as her only victim is the English language, she is unlikely to be called upon to confront her offending behaviour.’
The Good Old Daze
‘IN AN IDEAL WORLD… William would be king of this country… Maggie would be PM… And wed bring back hanging.
| Putting the daddy in daddy-o |
Yes, and the Daily Express would be selling millions of copies every day to the sort of men who would read it while sitting in a deck chair wearing a shirt and tie.
No surprise then to find the Express enthusiastically trumpeting this story, based on a devastating survey of over-50s.
Apparently, the only items in the modern world that these people approve of are washing machines, inside toilets and central heating. Wot, no stair-lifts?
The survey quizzed 3,000 people with an average age of 69 and found that 89 per cent agreed that it was better to be a young person in the 50s.
Better than being a miserable old bastard in the 1950s, anyway.’
Brooklyn’s Fairy Godfather
‘WILL todays kiddies look back to 2004 with the same fondness as todays wrinklies look back on 1954?
| A dead duck |
Not in Brooklyn Beckham, we suspect. By the time hes an oldie, hell probably be richer than the country in which he was conceived.
And now hes in line for another windfall, as Sir Elton John reveals that young Beckham and his other godchildren (including cash-strapped Damian Hurley) are set to inherit all his worldly possessions when he kicks the bucket and heads for the great VIP area in the sky.
The Star reckons that the Beckham boy stands to net about £17 million, and Sir Elton admits that he will inherit a fair old whack.
But partner David Furnish stresses the other side of godparenting. We hope we can teach them the best way to live their lives, he says. Spoiling kids never does them any good.
Although Sir Elton himself is living testimony to the fact that you can have untold riches and still remain down-to-earth and clear-headed at all times.’
A Nice Pair
‘ASTON Villas Lee Hendrie must dread picking opening the papers these days.
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| A ladies’ man |
Not for the usual reason (another young English midfielder moving in front of him in the queue for the England squad) but because of further revelations about what the hacks quaintly call his private life.
Last week there was the tale of his wedding day, when his wife discovered text messages from another woman, leading to one of the fastest splits in the history of matrimony.
In a fit of rage, she scratched the word prick on his Porsche. Had she heard todays revelations, it might have been the other way around.
For the Sun carries the news that the troubled footballer told a young lady: I love you. And the lady was Jade Goody.
A date was fixed up, and Jade is said to be completely smitten although we are not told who says this.
Not Lee himself, apparently. I do know her through a friend but Im not giving her one, he said, with the grace and style for which footballers are famed.
But a friend of Lees thinks its true. And his ex-wife doesnt discount the idea.
Lee was at it with women even worse looking than Jade while with me, so nothing surprises me, she hissed. Hes welcome to her. They make a lovely pair I dont think.’
Hideous!
‘ELTON John says its one of the most disgraceful things hes ever seen.
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| The Princess Diana Open Sewer |
Its purely ugly. It looks like a sewer, opines the noble knight. It looks like one of those water park rides thats just collapsed on the floor. Its hideous. Hideous. Disgraceful!
Well, weve always thought his toupee was a ropey, but if he hates it that much it makes you wonder why he got it in the first place.
Perhaps the key lies in a later quote about his various addictions: Its about the ability to look yourself in the mirror and think you’re OK.
We jest, of course. It turns out that hes not talking about his syrup at all. He is speaking of the Diana Memorial Fountain.
And the Express seems to agree with Sir Eltons opinion. It quotes the view of an unimpressed visitor, who likens the monument to a storm drain.
Sir Elton suggests that the money should have been spent on a hospital wing instead of a fountain.
A hospital wing in the middle of Hyde Park? Dont knock it till youve tried it ’
Past ‘It’?
‘I BECAME invisible, a nonentity, someone who gets in the way, announces the Daily Mail headline, quoting the words of veteran It-girl Tamara Beckwith.
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| Egg head |
Our only quibble with the quote is the word became, which suggests that this state of affairs is something new.
Once one reads the article itself, the context becomes clearer.
Tamara has conducted a social experiment, by going around disguised as an old lady. And although she probably didnt go so far as to smell strongly of urine, she seems to have done a fairly convincing job.
She visits her regular haunts and records on the reaction she gets. May I have a dry sherry? she asks in a trendy young bar in the Kings Road. No she cant they dont stock it.
Next, she visits a several high street stores, more suited to teenage girls. Amazingly, they are unable to supply a cardigan with buttons to keep out the cold.
And so on. But there is a ray of hope.
She rings Wayne Rooneys agent and, in her best pensioner voice, asks if he would like a date. Five minutes later, she receives a call saying hed be delighted.
NB: One of the above stories is not true. A tin of Ovaltine for the first ten readers to give the correct answer.’
