Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Priory Lite
‘HELL has finally opened a branch office here on earth – it’s run by former footballer David Ginola, it’s called The Centre and it’s an exclusive retreat for stressed-out celebs.
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| Many are called, few are chosen |
In fact, so exclusive is it that we cannot even tell you where it is – the Star will only say that it is set in a secret location in the Wiltshire countryside.
But we will no doubt soon find out as a procession of soap stars, reality TV contestants and boyband members queue up to check themselves.
The Centre’s slogan is a cringingly awful ‘Be well, be safe, believe’.
With the calibre of guest expected to sign up for Ginola’s treatments, perhaps it should be ‘Be well, be safe, B-list’ or maybe even ‘Secret, Ce-leb, C-list.’
So secret in fact is The Centre that not only do we not know where it is, it appears that most celebs don’t either – and Ginola has had to invite in a BBC crew to generate some publicity.
Eamonn Holmes and crew were, says the Star, given exclusive access for the hour-long show, which will be broadcast later this month to whichever man and his dog watches BBC3.
‘This is a man who believes he has a gift,’ Holmes says of former French captain Ginola, ‘and anyone who meets him knows this to be true.’
Some people get the gift of healing, others get the gift of music and Ginola gets the gift of looking after stressed-out celebs.
The wisdom of God truly doth pass all understanding…’
Square Bashing
‘THE first visitors to David Ginola’s Priory Lite will no doubt be the cast of EastEnders fresh from their hammering at the hands of Coronation Street.
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| Breast Newcomers |
The BBC soap won just one award last night at the TV Quick awards, while Corrie walked off with four including the title of Best Soap.
Shane Richie won the award for Best Soap Actor for his portrayal of Albert Square’s Alfie Moon, but Best Actress went to Tina O’Brien, Weatherfield’s Sarah Platt, and Corrie also won Best Newcomer and Best Storyline.
The Mirror says the judges’ decision is yet another blow to a series ‘already reeling from a ratings slump and criticised for dreary storylines’.
But awards ceremonies are like buses – and EastEnders will not have long to wait for the Inside Soap awards, at which (after a campaign of vote-rigging that would make even George Bush blush) it is expected to take away the top prize.
Anyway, we all know that it’s not the winning, it’s the turning up in a revealing dress and showing off your cleavage to the waiting cameras that counts.
And the winner is…Hell’s Kitchen Jennifer Ellison, whose barely covered breasts dominate the front page of both the Sun and the Star.’
A Perfect Ten
‘IF words were pies, the amount that has been written about Geri Halliwell’s weight would be enough to keep Vanessa Feltz quiet for at least a week.
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| Geri, St Tropez, March 1953 |
Once known as a singer (albeit one who couldn’t sing), the artist formerly known as Ginger Spice is now the very first celebrity dieter.
And the Mail devotes its Page 3 this morning to a celebration of Geri’s fuller figure.
The dieter says that men are suddenly more interested in her now that she has put on some beef.
‘When I was skinny, it was like a desert,’ she says. ‘And the minute I got a few pounds on me, it changed.
‘I’m quite shocked, actually, with the kind of attention I receive.’
Not as shocked as we are that there’s so much interest in one so talentless.
‘When I hit 30 [sometime in the early 1990s], I stopped trying to control things,’ she continues.
‘I’m more accepting. I stopped trying to be perfect – that’s the big difference.’
What a shame, Geri – you were so close…’
True Grit
‘SHAME on those of you who thought that Anthea Turner’s new breasts were just the latest in a long line of increasingly desperate stunts to try to revive her comatose TV career!
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| A pair of real tits |
The brand-new boobs are in fact ‘a gravity-defying symbol of optimism, dedication and true grit’.
We are indebted to our old friend Vanessa Feltz, the Star’s award-winning columnist and host of five’s new Cosmetic Surgery Live, for pointing that out.
Anthea’s original breasts, she explains, lost their va-va-voom when she ran off with her orange-coloured lover Grant Bovey and married him in a chocolate-coated wedding.
They further sagged when her ’embarrassing’ autobiography proved less popular than a Saudi at a US flying school, they shrivelled as her comeback on the Food Channel faltered and they drooped as she went through a raft of failed IVF attempts.
Such humiliation and disappointment would have destroyed a lesser woman – and indeed a lesser pair of breasts.
But Anthea is made of tougher stuff (mainly silicone)…
And after inspecting the former Blue Peter presenter’s new DD chest, Nessie offers a positive diagnosis.
‘There’s no earthly reason why Anthea Turner isn’t on the telly,’ she says.
‘She’s a seasoned, experienced and reliable presenter, an instantly recognisable household name with a strong, steady hand on the TV tiller.
‘She’s used to live TV. She still looks terrific. There’s every rhyme and reason to give her a chance to show us all what she’s always been made of.’
And that (for anyone wanting to make an Anthea at home) is one part sugar, one part spice, two parts Cadbury’s Snowflake, two parts silicone – all mixed in with two pints of Homewrecker…’
Boob Brother
‘WE should not be surprised to find Vanessa Feltz putting her not inconsiderable weight behind the campaign to get Anthea Turner back on telly where she belongs.
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| How glamour models relax |
Remember that the two were housemates in the very first celebrity edition of Big Brother – an experience that forges an unbreakable bond between contestants.
But if even Nessie’s bulk is not enough to propel her old friend to stardom, then Anthea’s new breasts might.
The Star reports that Page 3 girl Michelle Marsh is planning her own Big Brother-style house featuring her glamour model pals like Lucy Pinder and Jo Hicks.
The paper says Michelle and her busty pals have been discussing the project – dubbed Boob Brother – for months.
The only worry is apparently that it’ll have to be screened on a special website because the conversations will get too steamy for TV.
[In other words, they haven’t found a TV company willing to back the project.]
However, a TV insider tells the Star that the website would be a sure-fire hit.
‘Blokes would be queuing up to log onto this website to look at the girls,’ he said.
‘They could see how the glamour models relax and get to see what happens at a sexy photoshoot.’
And where better for a 44-year-old ex-TV presenter with a brand-new pair of breasts to take her first step on the long road back to fame and fortune..?’
The Scissor Sisters
‘NEITHER Dannii nor Kylie Minogue are strangers to the cosmetic surgeon’s arts – a fact that won’t have been lost on the sisters Turner.
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| Anthea Turner (c.2007) |
The ravages of time may not have been kind to Wendy and Anthea, formerly the golden girls of British TV.
But if they look in this morning’s Sun, they will see that there is nothing that a nip here, a tuck there and a couple of giant dollops of silicone can’t fix.
The paper catches up with 32-year-old Dannii frolicking in the south of France in a bikini and proving to onlookers ‘that she already boasts a couple of great hits’.
One of said onlookers (not entirely unrelated to the photographer who took the pictures) said: ‘She looked absolutely stunning.
‘With curves like hers, I’m not surprised she was showing them off.’
But it wasn’t just Dannii’s front that drew admiring looks from the Sun’s picture desk.
The paper says she was showing off a rear to rival her 36-year-old sister’s famed posterior.
And onlookers (not entirely unrelated to the editor of Anorak) said they couldn’t recall seeing a sight like it since Anthea and Wendy presented the Holiday programme together all those years ago…’
Battle Dress
‘WHEN the Tories were in power, a newspapers call to any vice den or specialist members-only club would turn up a salacious story of sleaze and sex in seconds.
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| ‘Anyone got an orange?’ |
The now ruling Labour party have given us unmarried David Blunkett and a married American publisher, and Stephen Byers keeping his socks on in the sack, but it has all been a bit small time.
Where are the David Mellors and those football-kit clad failed actresses, where are the Stephen Milligans, whose dead body was found naked except for a pair of stockings and suspenders?
Where alas – are the Alan Clarks and the South African judges seduced wife and daughters?
This Labour Government has been a dead loss.
But at least the Sun has stuck with the programme, and today leads with: EXPOSED: ARMY CHIEF AND MISS WHIPLASH.
True, Brigadier Ian Talbot, 54, is no Conservative MP, but, given his title and his liking for sex in dungeons with an £800-a-time vice girl, he most likely votes Tory.
And theres more, as the Sun reports how the brigadier has been the slave of the woman it dubs Miss Whiplash for the past 26 years.
The paper goes on to speak about the military attachés torture sessions, in which he is trussed up in rubber tights, corset and a leather mask.
A handily reproduced photograph shows the professional soldier in his gimp suit, wrists manacled together, head secured in a snug-fitting gas mask.
We also hear the unnamed vice girl say: The amount of torture he could take was astounding.
All very entertaining so far – but youd be forgiven for wondering why this sordid tale is front-page news. Remember, Talbot is no Tory MP, past or present.
And then it comes. Apparently, the bondage-crazed brigadier is worthy of the Suns front page because these romps were endangering more than just the health of the brigadier.
You see, the man in the rubber catsuit was privy to sensitive military information about al-Qaeda and, in engaging in extra-martial kinks with Miss Whiplash, he was laying himself open to blackmail.
But we are not so sure.
Having already noted Talbots ability to withstand severe pain – how, according to his torturer, hes survived electrodes being tied to his testicles, had his head stuffed in a bag until he could barely breath and liked to enact oral sex on his captor and her mates we start to wonder.
Might this be no kinky Army loser, rather a man discovering what it must be like to be a prisoner of the Americans at Iraqs Abu Ghraib prison.
If so, such selfless behaviour should be applauded. And if the good brigadier should ever want to stand as Tory candidate at election time, he would certainly get our vote.
We really do need more like him…’
Prince Of Clubs
‘QUESTION: Whats ginger, loud, untalented, a shameless self-publicist, went to America to make it big and has been linked with a princely Windsor?
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| Like father, like son |
Yes, thats right, its not Sarah Ferguson (not this time), but Geri Halliwell.
The Star (WILLS GETS SPICY WITH GERI) delivers the headline that will surely make the Queen weep and perhaps even pine for the days when Fergie was her chief cause of embarrassment.
But her Majesty can call off her hit squad, because this is a story that never was.
And inside the paper we read that when Wills went partying at swish London club Boujis, he arrived on a different day to the pint-sized chanteuse.
As a spokesman for Geri explains: She was not there that night. She was there earlier in the week with mates.
While the Star sets about writing its follow-up story to this most pressing issue Geri Rejects Wills the Mirror tells us that the heir to the throne shouldnt have been in the club at all.
By being there he snubbed the launch of a book about his mum and the chance to listen to a moving speech by his mothers closest friend Lucia Flecha de Lima.
The book Diana: The Portrait is the first authorised biography of Our Lady Of The Immaculate Handbag and has been published to coincide with the seventh anniversary of her death.
And Wills had been invited to attend the do. His decision not to do so – said to be a private mater by Prince Charless communications secretary, and viewed as disappointing by those close to Diana – places a black mark against his name.
Although, it must be said in is defence that, if William were to attend every event by the Diana Handwringers, hed be booked up every night of the week until the day he dies.
And that would prevent him from living his own life and chasing his own dreams like the one where he sets his toe on the same floor as that once stood on by the great Halliwell.’
Off Yer Bike
‘SUCH is the pace of life in Bournemouth that the town has recently been twinned with a snail sanctuary in Portugal.
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| Also comes in British racing green |
This is the town where the vehicle of choice is not a Ferrari or high powered SUV, but a to-die-for electric cart, with optional shopping basket and My other cars a hearse bumper sticker.
Now, as the Mail reports, even the cyclists are under strict instructions to adhere to the 10mph speed limit.
From yesterday, anyone peddling along the promenade at a suspiciously reckless speed could find their way blocked by a figure in a yellow bib clutching a speed gun.
Speedsters are pulled over and given a leaflets explaining how even travelling at 11mph greatly increases the risk of injury to seagulls and men in yellow bibs jumping out in front of you.
We are trying to prevent accidents by making the people aware of the 10mph limit, says Chris Saunders, Bournemouth councils business development officer.
It is very easy to break the limit because we walk at about 4mph, he continues, but we would ask people to leave home a little earlier and cycle a bit slower.
Or better yet, chuck the bike into the sea and drive everywhere instead…’
Secrets And Lies
‘DOT couldnt keep her cancer a secret any longer and has told husband Jim and her best friend Pauline. Well, as they do say down Walford way, a trouble shared is a trouble made about a million times worse. Dot swore Jim to secrecy so the couple have been telling everyone that shes going away to visit friends in Scotland. Amazingly, people fell for it amazing because no-one in EastEnders has any friends.
Jim is terrified that Dots going to die, but thats highly unlikely because, as shes one of the few cast members who can actually act, producers would be mad to get rid of her.
Den Watts has also left Walford, but in his case hes been exiled for two months for his off-screen antics. In a hastily, cobbled together storyline, Den walked out into the night after a row with wife Chrissie.
Hes gone away to find himself, Chrissie told Sharon and Vicky. Surely the last thing Den needs is to be trying to get in touch with himself? Touching himself is exactly what got him into trouble in the first place.
Elsewhere in the Square, Sam and Andy have set a date for their wedding. How does two weeks today suit? asked Andy to Sam in the caff, old romantic that he is.
Sam is struggling to find bridesmaids on account of the fact the no one actually likes her. Andy was reduced to paying Pat to agree to be her bridesmaid, and he even gave her money to buy her own bridesmaids dress.
Try and get something nice, he told her with a sigh. Indeed, with Pat theres a very real chance that people would have mistaken her dress for the marquee.
Sam and Pat aside, the other unlikely coupling this week were Sasha and Adi. Were meant to believe that sexy stripper Sasha finds Adi a man who makes a PG Tips chimp look handsome and intellectual completely irresistible.
Even Adis own family cant even entertain the idea that he could ever pull a woman. When Ronnie tells Ash that he heard noises coming from her room, the brothers jumped to the conclusion that she must have been with Tariq.
Lets keep it our little secret, she told Adi. Clearly even lap dancers have some sort of reputation to keep.’
Size Matters
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‘IN light of the Expresss news that the hour-glass figure has had its day, the papers more sluttish sister, the Star, leads with news of Jordan.
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| The Price is right |
While Simon Cowell wants the mod-el to front a new Saturday night TV show, we employ her services to illustrate the truth of the Express story.
And who more typical of British womanhood than Jordan to show how the shape of British women has changed over the years?
According to a National Sizing Survey, the waistline of British women had grown by more than six inches in the past five decades, expanding from 27.5in in 1951 to 34in today.
The average bust size is now 38.5in and hips are 40.4in, both a full 1.5in rounder than those on 1951 woman.
But that should not be all. Something has been omitted. And, happy to help the Government wherever and whenever we can, we note that the average cup size is now a teapot-sized FF.
And thats an important thing to bear in mind, given the Mirrors news that millions of British women are wearing the wrong sized bras.
Which? magazine sent eleven women aged between 22 and 81 to a range of stores to be measured for bra.
Of the 75 sizings, the magazine was as horrified to learn as we are that only six bras fitted well and 59 were poor.
The figures were then poured over by David Morris, contour fashion lecturer at Leicesters De Montfort University.
And he says: A well-fitting bra is a feat of engineering. The cups, wires, straps and underband use dynamic tension to support the breasts. Theyre not just cushion covers.
That they are not, as one woman guinea pig can attest. When I lifted my arms up, says she, my breasts fell straight out of the bra.
This is clearly no good at all so we feel we owe the poor woman an explanation.
The bra in question was in fact the Anorak Comfi-Bra (Celebrity Edition), created in response to the many requests we received from soap stars, pop singers and glamour models who crave press exposure.’
Just Desserts
‘HAS Jamie Oliver swallowed his tongue, because weve not heard much from the cook for some weeks?
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| Cuts of tongue |
Worried by the lack of noise from Jamies kitchen, a team of restaurant reviewers went to Olivers Fifteen eatery to see if he and the food were okay.
Sadly, theres still no word of Jamie, but the Mail does tell us that his restaurant is terrible.
Testers for new 2005 Hardens London Restaurant Guide found that the place was amateurish and accused Oliver of charging inflated prices for mediocre food.
To the layman, this sounds very much like the tried-and-tested recipe for any successful modern restaurant.
But to the experts, Olivers London place is run on hype. As one reviewer puts it: Just because it is a charity doesnt give them the right to rip people off.
For the record, of the 58 top class restaurants featured in the book all in the over £65-a-head category – Fifteen ranked bottom.
However, a spokesman for the unusually quiet Oliver says things have improved.
Its very disappointing, says Olivers mouthpiece in the Mail, but the restaurant today is a very different one to the Fifteen which these Hardens writers visited, probably last year.
True. For one thing, there are no cameras following the chefs every move and keeping them on their toes. For another, Oliver is nowhere to be seen.
And for the biggest shock of all, the special of the day is Tongue a la mode.
Yikes!’
Eggs-traordinary
‘THERE is something rather cruel in the Suns story of the hen owner who brought home a packet of eggs.
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| ‘Wanna see my six pack?’ |
Sure she loves eggs – who doesnt? but did Raija Bennet have to flaunt the young, embryonic chickens under the beak of her pet hen, Biscuit?
Little wonder that the hen became upset and only calmed down when her Raija placed the packet of Tesco eggs under her waggling parsons nose.
And there they sat for three weeks – until one of the eggs hatched and out popped a Tesco ready meal in the shape of a young chick.
The egg started chirping on Thursday, says Raija to the Express, so we knew something was going to happen.
Nothing gets past her, although we are surprised when a chicken fancier then says: I couldnt believe it when I saw it [the chick] pop out from underneath Biscuit the next morning.
Our mind boggles at what she expected to see. Sure a supermarket egg that turns into a bird is unusual, but did Raija really expect a chirping crocodile or a pygmy ostrich?
But back to the story proper and the Expresss news that hen and chick are doing well – and just as soon as some stuffing and a large onion can be found, they will be doing even better…’
Got Wood
‘ITS occurred to us that beyond the spotlight of PR-driven news stories about their lives, the Beckhams dont actually exist at all.
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| ‘The next stop will be Birmingham New Street. All change’ |
Posh is not a real person, rather shes the sum of our fears, a stick-thin chimera of every neurosis and psychosis we can dream up.
And today, thanks to the Stars front page, this nightmarish creation takes a turn for the worse.
Grab your knees and start rocking gently to and fro at the papers headline: POSH IN TELLY SEX SHOCK.
What did we do to deserve this? Is there a God? Whyyyyy???
But reading on we are relieved to see that Posh will not be getting down to it on the goggle box, showing how solid and in love she and her Day-vid are by wheelbarrowing live on camera.
The story is that Poshs old flame, Mark Wood, is ready to spill the beans about his five-year romance the girl he knew as plain Vicky.
In a yet-to-be-screened Channel Five programme, Mark will say that he was Poshs first lover, taking her virginity in the toilet of a train as it raced from London to Glasgow.
But dont pay too much attention to this because, as weve already said, Posh is not real.
After all, if she were some flesh and lots of bone, who in their right mind would want to tell anyone theyd slept with her?
Not even bisexual Rebecca Loos, wed wager…’
A Little Weed
‘ON slow news days like this, we often turn to the Mails Richard Kay and remind ourselves whats occurring in polite society.
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| Anything to declare? |
And today were disappointed to learn that the Hon Henry Allsopp, godson of Camilla Parker Bowles and brother to TVs Kirstie, has been busted by the police.
While on holiday in Bermuda, Lord Hindlips 31-year-old son was spotted by a customs officer as he awaited processing at Bermuda airport.
He was taken to a small room, ordered to strip and was horrified to see that some drug-taking lowlife had strapped half an ounce of cannabis to his penis.
But, whether mule or wannabe donkey, the allegation was that the drugs were his own and that hed been trying to smuggle the contraband into the Caribbean island.
Had only dear Henry used a rolled up sock like any other insecure lad he might have just been laughed at rather than brought before the Beak.
Im an upstanding citizen, sobbed Henry as he pleaded for clemency from the Worshipful Archibald Warner.
I have no previous convictions for anything, not even a driving offence… Please dont send me to prison.
And at that, he was free. Sure, he was fined the better part of £2,000 and exposed as a snivelling wretch, but he is now at liberty.
And hed best not to it again, lest he place himself in line for a stretch of an altogether more painful (and longer) sort than that offered by a lump of hash…’
Boobs (For) Jobs
‘IN another time and place, the Sun would have invited its readers to salivate over news that Maxine Carr once had a whopping 38DD chest.
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| And here are some the former Blue Peter presenter made earlier |
Shed have been busty Maxine from Soham, standing in her knickers and telling the papers army of right-thinking readers how Wayne Rooney is the man to plump her pillows.
Instead, Sun readers hear that particular pearl of news from pert Scouser Katie, and instead learn that taxpayers must not be made to pay to restore Maxines chest, which has deflated with the pressures of her notoriety.
Her demand for breast implants on the NHS is outrageous, says the Sun.
The paper might change its tune, however, when it reads the Mails article DEATH BY BRA.
The Mail, a paper that sees disaster round every turn, reminds us that 400 underwire-related injuries are recorded in Britain each year and how in 1999 two women were killed when their bras were stuck by lightening.
Bigger boobs for Carr will lead to a bigger bra and thus a greater chance of her being electrocuted – something that should please some Sun readers no end.
So warned of the perils of a bigger carriage, Anthea Turner should watch out.
The resting blonde TV presenter should avoid trees and resist her passion for standing atop church spires in storms since, the Mirror reports, the 44-year-old flake-eater has taken to wearing bigger bras.
Yes, folks, Antheas had her boobs enlarged.
This is something we taxpayers would gladly have paid for.
Indeed, had we only been polled, chances are wed have forked out for something more in keeping with Antheas huge celebrity status than a mere C cup.
Not that Anthea needs our cash, having paid for the £3,000 career booster herself.
And good on her. Thats not just our opinion its the opinion of the Mirrors womans editor, Caroline Jones, who has a few words for women, like Maxine Carr and Anthea Turner, who want to restore their confidence with bigger breasts.
To keep your breasts looking pert and excited, says Caroline, press them against cold tiles in the bathroom.
Or cuddle up to Grant Bovey…’
A Glassing Jaw
‘EASTENDER GLASSED is a headline right up with in the sensation stakes with GLASWEGIAN DRINKS STRAIGHT FROM BOTTLE, SCOUSER NICKS HUBCAPS and FOREST OF DEAN LOCAL SAYS I DIDNT KNOW SHE WAS MY SISTER.
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| ‘And…cut!’ |
Even when you hear, via the Suns front page, that the East Ender in the line of fire is Ray Panthaki, the story seems like no big deal.
If the Mail has taught us anything at all, it is that we live in a terrible place where being glassed and glassing has taken the place of a firm handshake.
But reading on, we learn that Panthaki is known to tens of telly fans as Ronny Ferreira, not a genuine cockney geezer at all but an actor in the EastEnders soap opera.
The Mirror puts the same story on its front page, but its the Sun that has obtained the script of the incident that occurred last Sunday night in the VIP suite at Faces nightclub, Gants Hill, Essex.
The scene begins with Ray sipping a drink with former EastEnders actress Brooke Kinsella.
A girl comes up and tells Ray that the Ferreira family are rubbish.
He asks her to leave him alone.
She throws a drink in his face.
Bouncers eject the TV critic.
Critics boyfriend steps up to Ray and smashes a bottle into his face.
Cut! Cut! And, er, cut!
But dont worry if you didnt get it all, because chances are high that the above scene will soon appear in the soap opera proper.
EastEnders is but a mirror to reality, and what goes on in real life, also goes on in Soapland.
Just listen to the shows June Brown using the Sun to tell all and sundry about how her own trauma at finding a lump on her breast has stood her in good stead when it comes to portraying her character, Dot Cottons, battle with cancer.
Only, Junes lump was merely a cyst, which may or may not account for the chasm that exits between Dots illness and the reality of it.
But at least when Ray is glassed for our entertainment, itll look like the real deal. Although, many of the shows fans are hoping hell be axed…’
Pop Culture
‘AS anyone who saw Robin Cook rocking like a demented gnome to D:Reams Things Can Only Get Better and John Prescott getting drenched in water at the Brits knows, politics and pop are not easy bedfellows.
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| ‘And the award for Best Presidential Hair goes to…’ |
Every dour political party needs a bit of razzamatazz to toss stardust into the eyes of an insipid and bored electorate.
But they do not need Britney Spears.
Someone described as an insider in the Republican Party tells the Star that the singers appearance at the Republican convention in New York has been cancelled.
And why? We are a serious political party fighting to stay in power, says the source. We just dont get what Britney has to offer our cause.
We at Anorak take the point, and agree that it would be a mistake for someone of George Bushs massive intellect and great standing to be associated with a blonde whos made a fool of herself in public.
Better to ask Bushs daughters Jenna (blonde) and Barbara (less blonde) to take to the stage at the annual MTV Music Awards in Miami and tells the crowd to vote for pop.
Educate yourself and vote, screamed Jenna, who, as the Mail says, at least had the brain power to deliver her message via a video to the assembled music fans.
The same cannot be said of John Kerrys daughters, Vanessa (blonde) and Alex (red), who, the Mail says, appeared in person to address the crowd.
My sister and I are thrilled to be here, said Alex from the stage. I suggest that we all take this chance to get out and vote.
And thats not to vote for the Best Use of The Word Ho in Rap or the Best Hair In Pop, but to vote for her dad to be the leader of the free world.
This did not go down too well with the crowd, who jeered and booed the pair. Alex tried to reach out and win the crowd over by placing a finger over her lips.
But even this oh-so un-patronising gesture was greeted with catcalls and demands for them to go and go quickly lest they be on the wrong end of some direct, politically-motivated action.’
The Wives of Bath
‘THANKS once more to the Womens Institute for voting Anorak Housewives Choice for an unprecedented tenth year running.
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| Newlywed Tina was ready for her husband’s return |
The trophy, in the shape of a giant wooden sponge cake, will nestle neatly in with our collection of commemorative silver scones and gold-plated toilet roll covers.
And as youve supported us, dear ladies, its only fair we now support you.
So today we draw our readers attention to the news that 84% of WI members who took part in a survey by SC Johnson (makers of cleaning products) agreed that a sparking lavatory bowl is most essential to keeping a hygienic home.
And such is the huge level of importance placed on keeping a tidy and clean toilet that almost half the surveys 1,000 respondents said that, when visiting the homes of their sons girlfriends, they inspected her lavatory.
As the Mail reports, a whopping 80% of our friends at the WI say that being able to bond with future in-laws is as important as the prospective wifes ability to keep a tidy house.
Janet Jones, who took part in the survey, explains how you can tell a lot by the condition of a womans bog brush.
The first place to look is the toilet because if that wasnt clean, then you could bet nothing was particularly clean.
But Dr Terri Apter, a psychologist at Cambridge University, has a few words to the wise for women about to pull on their white gloves for a trip to the little girls room.
They should not be overly critical of the girlfriends efforts, since being picky can lead to friction.
It is very difficult for mothers-in-law to draw the line between caring for their sons and meddling, says the doctor.
We disagree. There are such things as standards, and the good ladies at the WI can rest assured that your awards are cleaned each and every day with a refreshing dunk in our oh-so-clean cistern…’
MDF Off
‘GOODBYE, Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen. We shall miss your long hair, your loud shirts and your even louder velvet smoking jackets.
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Farewell, Linda Barker. You remade many a bedroom in your favourite pastel shades.
And adios, Handy Andy. You can go back to being, well, plain Andy Kane. Again.
In news that will cause shares in MDF manufacturers to plummet, the Mirror announces that Changing Rooms – the show that made over British TV in its flimsy image – is to be axed.
After eight years, the BBC have now redecorated every home in the country at licence-fee payers’ expense – and have decided to call it quits.
Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen explained: ‘I’ve been so enjoying it, but it does feel as if Changing Rooms has done the job it set out to do.
‘It’s a case of beam us up, our work on your planet is done.’
If that work was to prove to TV bosses that people will literally watch paint dry, then Changing Rooms has been a fantastic success.
It started off on BBC2 in 1996, but was moved to BBC1 in 1998 and has since been sold to more than 20 countries.
At its height, the programme attracted 10 million viewers an episode, but recently that number has fallen to around four million.
That is probably because of the host of copycat programmes it spawned – House Invaders, House Doctor, Ground Force, Girls On Top, Change That, That Looks Crap, Celebrity Paint Job…
‘There’s not a house in Britain left untouched by the Changing Rooms attitude,’ boasts Laurence.
‘It was an institution, the very first makeover show, and really changed the way people looked at their homes.’
Even here in Anorak Towers, we have not remained immune. Out went the antique mahogany tables and oak bookshelves and in came some flimsy MDF, painted lilac with stencils of roses…’
The Kings Of Comedy
‘SADLY, Tommy Cooper will not be back to share with us the one-liners that had him voted the greatest British comedian of all-time earlier this week.
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| Lords of laughter, ministers of mirth |
He really did have a heart attack on stage during the 1994 performance of Live From Her Majesty’s and isn’t just lying there waiting for the laughter to subside.
Nor – alas – will Bob Monkhouse roll the stone from the front of his grave and flash that trademark grin at us again.
But four other veteran comics are to make a comeback – the Star announces that the quartet of comedy legends will take on four raw young stand-ups in a gag-telling battle to discover the real kings of comedy.
The final line-up of the show, to be produced by Big Brother creator Endemol, has not yet been announced, although Bullseye’s Jim Bowen is thought to be the captain of the oldies.
A Channel 4 spokesman explained: ‘Each week for four weeks, the worst comics will be voted off until there will be a laugh-off among the four survivors.
‘At the end of the series the last joker left will be undisputed king or queen of comedy.
‘Old stagers are always claiming they are better than the newcomers – now they have the chance to prove it.’
But among the veterans being sounded out to appear on the show, we can’t help but remark on a couple of notable absences.
The Star mentions 73-year-old Bernard Manning, 63-year-old Stan Boardman, 64-year-old Mike Reid and 78-year-old Frank Carson.
But not a word of two 51-year-olds who still have as much laughter to give as they did when they came together as The Two Rons.
Where is Gareth? Where is Norman? Where are the legendary Hale and Pace..?’
The Name Game
‘IT’S hard being Britney Spears. You wake up, you’ve got a dry mouth, you’ve got a splitting headache and you’ve got a new husband lying beside you in bed.
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| ‘Oh, shit. That makes me Mrs Winton’ |
Just another Sunday morning at the Spears household, you might think, but it is not without its problems.
You don’t know how your new husband takes his coffee, you don’t know how he likes his eggs done. Hell, you don’t even know his name.
And that means you don’t know your own name. Britney what?
It’s a problem for a young girl and that’s why we’re glad to see in the Sun that Brit’s new fiancé has taken steps to avoid just such a situation.
Dancer Kevin Federline has given the 22-year-old a T-shirt with the words ‘Mrs Federline’ emblazoned across it.
It may be a bit premature – Britney and Kevin haven’t even got married yet. But it’s better to be safe than sorry with these things.
Problems, however, could arise if Britney has to put the shirt in the wash before her November nuptials.
What will she pull out of the laundry basket? Mrs Alexander? Mrs Federline? Mrs Timberlake? Mrs Von Dutch..?’
The Odd Couple
‘INTERNET users of the world, be warned Dirty Den is set to leave Walford soon to start a two-month suspension.
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| The Talented Ferreiras |
Lets not even imagine what hes going to be doing with all that spare time. Before he leaves, however, Den is doing his best to ensure that not a single person is going to miss him other than the local taxidermy firm whove been employed to make sure no one can see the joins.
Dens scheme to cheat Andy out of five thousand pounds backfired when even Pat turned against him and we all know she does anything for money. He also managed to alienate his son, Mini-Den by trying to get off with his girlfriend, Zoe.
Even by Dens standards, trying to pull not only his sons girlfriend but someone 30 years younger than him is pretty grim. Yes, he bedded the schoolgirl Michelle Fowler, but do you remember the state of her?
It took Dot of all people to talk some sense into Den when they had a bizarre bonding session in the launderette. They sat down together, a pair of rotting skeletons; all sunken eyes and saggy skin hanging off their bones it was like a scene from Return Of The Living Dead.
Dot confronted Den about his inability to grow up (which is ironic seeing as he looks about 103 these days) and Den confronted Dot for not telling Jim that she had cancer.
Whos going to tick me off when I step out of line if you go? Den asked her. Other than News of The World journalists, obviously.
The odd couple made a pact; that Dot would tell her husband the truth if Den went after Chrissie, thus setting up nicely his departure from Walford.
EastEnders producers must be having some sort of competition to come up with the most bizarre and freakish pairings at the moment. Youd have thought nothing could have topped Den and Dot but that was until Sasha and Adi got together.
Sasha is the classic tart with the heart so-beloved of middle-class scriptwriters. The Ferreira family have rescued Sasha from a life of prostitution when they found her in a lap-dancing club if only someone would now rescue us from the Ferreira family.
The Ferreira boys thought it would be a jolly jape to have a competition to see who could pull her and set about wooing her in their various ways. Tariq took her to the Vic and tried to get her drunk, Ash took her on a picnic and Ronnie tried to impress her with his dj-ing.
To be fair it would be hard to choose between any of the brothers; it would be like trying to pick out the talented one in Girls Aloud.
However, not even Nostradamus could have predicted that Sasha would have picked Adi, the short, fat useless one of the Ferreira household (think Robbie Williams in his Take That days).
Even Adi was taken aback when Sasha made her move on him. Youre not like other men, she told him. How right she is.’
Ministry Of Porn
‘WITH Government departments changing names more regularly than an ex-member of Westlife, it’s hard to keep up with exactly who is responsible for what.
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| One of the sickening images |
It’s as if a giant dog has walked over Tony Blair’s Scrabble board, as the DfE metamorphoses into the DfES, the DoE becomes Defra and the DHSS is reborn as the DWP.
And before you know it in this giant alphabet soup the Department For Work And Pensions has become the Ministry Of Porn.
The Sun this morning is at its outraged best at the news that a shock probe at the old DSS has discovered that staff accessed ‘TWO MILLION pages of filth’ on work PCs in just eight months.
One official alone apparently called up 103,000 hardcore images on his computer – which, by our calculation, equates to over 600 images a day.
(In an eight-hour day, that’s 75 images an hour or more than one a minute – hard work in anyone’s book.)
Others had pulled up sickening images of girls with names like Nikkala, Zoe and Shell, parading around with no tops on.
And some are believed to have used Government phones to call in and vote for their favourite Page 3 wannabe as part of a scandalous National Cleavage Week stripping for cash scam.
According to the Sun, the crackdown has already led to one conviction, 16 sackings and three resignations. Two are still under investigation and 211 have been disciplined.
But a source at the department tells the paper that only the worst offenders had been punished and the majority had been allowed to get away with it.
‘It’s like saying you can look at porn on the internet just as long as you don’t look at too much,’ the source said. ‘The DWP should be renamed the Department for Weekly Porn.’
A spokeswoman for the department said that in many cases it had been found that staff had picked up porn accidentally by ‘innocently’ following links from one website to another.
After all, a link that says ‘Click here for spunk-swallowing sluts’ might conceivably lead to the latest Government Health & Safety directive.’
Lip Service
‘WHY did three officials at the Ministry Of Porn resign rather than accept a slap on their overused wrists like their colleagues?
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| Cut along dotted line |
We can tell you why – among the list of sickening websites in their Favourites folder was one that even they were too ashamed to have made public: www.vanessafeltznaked.com.
Bosses had promised to keep their appalling depravity a secret if they just left quietly – an offer the three filthy perverts were only too happy to accept.
But as they sit at home this morning filling out their CVs, they will be buoyed at news that The Human Butter Mountain is soon to return to our TV screens.
For 14 nights on Channel 5 next month, the award-winning Star columnist will present a no-holds barred extravaganza, Cosmetic Surgery Live.
The show will apparently feature identical twin glamour models having identical boob jobs, it will bring us the bottom line on anal bleaching, plumb the depths of labia trimming and plumping and give us the hard facts on penis extensions.
But thankfully Nessie herself will not be going under the knife – and shots of her untrimmed and unplumped labia will remain the preserve of Internet perverts.’
