Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Fame Costs
‘CAN you catch fame?
|
| Lesson No.1: Marry a famous husband |
We ask this in light of the Mail’s story of 16-year-old Nikki Allen, who until Posh Spice decided to buy her family home for £750,000, lived next door to the international singing pencil.
The Mail has it that Posh was so taken with her singing neighbour Nikki that, instead of merely passing on tips over the fence between their adjoining properties or introducing her to music types, she bought her house.
And this means that Nikki is now free to follow her dream (surely, destiny).
Nikki’s father, a detective superintendent at Scotland Yard, explains further.
‘We have been incredibly happy here and, if finances allowed, we would love to stay,’ says dad.
‘But Nikki is a stunning girl who is doing fantastically well and we really believe she has the chance to make it as a singer, so sacrifices have to be made.’
And sacrifices cost. There’s the tip to America, where, like Posh, Nikki plans to make it big.
And, like Posh, there is the marketing campaign, in which dad Mick has to buy around 500 copies of his sensationally talented daughter’s first single to get her noticed.
And it’s all thanks to Posh – her generosity of spirit, her desire to buy up the Allen’s house (and thereby improve security at Beckingham Palace, her Hertfordshire pad) and her lesson to Nikki and millions of other girls with stardust in their eyes that, however talentless you might be, you can still make money as a popstar…’
Into The Groove
‘COME on, you builders – drop your pants a little lower and give a hearty Bronx cheer for National Cleavage Week.
|
| Miss Monday |
But – oops! – sorry, our mistake. The Star is no longer the official paper of our building sites and the cleavage week it celebrates on its front page is more to do with chests than bum cracks.
And don’t bother squeezing your man breasts into a Wonderbra because, when it comes to Cleavage Week, only the likes of Jennifer Ellison, blonde Michelle Marsh and her pal Sophie will do.
But you other girls can have a go, if you think you’re big enough. And the Star invites all cleavage flashers to contact Page 3 photographer Jenny Savage.
‘If you’ve got the looks and are prepared to put in the hard work, we want to hear from you,’ says Jenny.
Just send the Star – the ‘OFFICIAL’ paper of National Cleavage Week – a snap of yourself, your vital statistics, your occupation and some contact details and you too could be dipping a Cornetto between your assets on a wind-swept British beach.
But expect some stiff competition, because it’s also the ‘Sun’s National Cleavage Week’, which is like the Star’s official one, only different.
The one great similarity between the two is the duplicitous Michelle Marsh, who has hopped onboard the Sun’s breast bus.
As too have people like Clair Cummings, who took a ride on the Sun’s double decker when it crawled into Scarborough.
‘I was so excited when I heard The Sun was here,’ says Claire. ‘I’d love to be on Page 3 because I love showing off my breasts – I think they’re wonderful.’
And not a little bit cold…’
Going For Gold
‘CITIUS, Altius Et Fortius.’ And to that Olympic ideal, this morning we can add ‘Hornius’.
|
| Medal hopefuls Dave Smith and Karina Brown |
The Star reports that each of the 10,500 competitors for the Athens games, which start later today, will be given three condoms A DAY – more than ever before.
The paper says Durex is planning to dole out the freebies, together with 30,000 sachets of lubricant – meaning that the Olympic Village will be (literally) awash with some 500,000 rubbers.
And that, by the Star’s calculation, will be enough to allow the athletes 31,250 protected romps a day over the 16 days of the competition.
Ignoring the obvious flaw in the paper’s maths, namely that it takes two (and sometimes more) to do the horizontal tango, are we alone in finding this scenario somewhat unlikely?
After all, most of the male athletes’ bodies are so full of steroids, masking drugs and masking drugs to mask the masking drugs that they haven’t seen wood for years.
And with many of the female athletes doing a passable impression of male athletes, we suspect this isn’t going to be the Olympic shagfest that is predicted.
US swimmer Nelson Diebel, however, insists the Olympics are ‘a two-week-long private party for hard bodies’.
And if you want to join in, you had better start getting in shape for the Beijing bonkathon in 2008.
Thankfully, the Express celebrates the opening of the Olympiad with a picture of Denise Lewis and a feature on ‘How To Get A Body Like An Olympic Athlete’.
If you don’t fancy a body like Denise, then open the Sun and see whether you would prefer one like long jumper Jade Johnson’s.
With only a few days to go until her event, you would have thought that Jade was focussed only on how far into that sandpit she is going to jump.
But, according to the Sun, it appears the ‘lovestruck’ 24-year-old is looking forward to a jump of a different kind.
She hasn’t seen boyfriend, American long jumper Jamie Nieto, for three months and ‘has planned a reunion that will promise [him] a personal best’.
All of which promises to be far more interesting than the games themselves and leads us to think that it is high time for a radical shake-up of the Olympic programme.
Today, we at Anorak Towers officially start our campaign to get The Wheelbarrow Race included as a demonstration sport in London 2012…’
Cupid Stunt
‘WE somehow managed to ignore yesterday’s tabloid story of how Big Brother loser Vanessa Nimmo was left in tears after ‘a weirdo’ handcuffed himself to her at a party.
|
| ‘What do you mean I’m too wooden?’ |
It’s a pity the papers didn’t ignore it as this morning the whole thing turns out to have been a desperate publicity stunt for a TV programme on Sky One later this year.
And this morning the Sun again shows the 27-year-old wannabe engaged in another stunt, this time throwing a glass of water over a man at a Notting Hill diner.
‘Big Hoaxer,’ says its headline, happy to be taken in for such a good cause (namely lining Rupert Murdoch’s already well-lined pockets).
And then a Sky ‘source’ explains all.
‘Vanessa has been going out on dates with Spencer [water guy] to help him become more famous than Ed [handcuff guy].
‘She knew Ed would hijack their date on Tuesday, but she is obviously a better actress than everyone realised because she did appear terrified by her ordeal.’
As well she might be – the prospect of a life of appearances on ever more mindless TV shows like Ed And Spencer is enough to reduce even the hardiest soul to tears…’
Giving Women The Vote
‘THE Sun is not the only newspaper that never misses an opportunity to plug its owners other media interests.
|
| No ifs, lots of butt |
Unfortunately, now that Richard Desmond has got rid of his porn mag empire, we can no longer look forward to reading promos in the Express for Asian Babes or Big ‘Uns.
But he does still own soft porn channel Television X: The Fantasy Channel, where discerning viewers can watch programmes like Teresa Scott Unleashed and Layla Jade’s Spunk-Sucking Sluts.
They can also vote in a worldwide search for the Hottest Female of 2004 from a shortlist of 100 names, 20 of whom just happen to be British.
‘Models Kelly Brook, Jordan and Nell McAndrew lead the way to win votes from netheads in every country,’ says the Star, as votes already start to pour in from as far afield as North Korea and Papua New Guinea.
‘Fantasy Channel presenter Abi Titmus, singer Charlotte Church, plus EastEnders stars Michelle Ryan and Jill Halfpenny also seem to be world-beaters.’
All of which excitement almost caused us to forget to remind you all that next week is Cleavage Week in the Sun, as part of which the Sun bus will be hitting Britain’s favourite holiday resorts in search of a new Page 3 girl.
And who better to get us all in the mood for Cleavage Week than Rachel Hunter, who poses for the paper in her new Ultimo Plunge bra.
See more of Rachel in a week’s time when she models Ultimo’s Seduction Lace Buckle Thong in honour of the Sun’s Fat Arse week…’
The Naked Truth
‘THIS may come as news to the Queen and other fans of Kirstys Home Videos, but strutting your stuff in the nude has apparently never been so cool.
|
| The Anorak ‘family’ on a staff outing to Alton Towers |
So says this mornings Star, which reports that bare is the new black as countless celebs [are] shedding their clothes for movies, plays and ads.
But before all you Anorak readers tear off your Eazy-Slax and sign up for the naked volleyball classes at your local gym, a word or two to the wise.
The Star hears from body confidence expert Helen Jackson as she gives tips on looking sexy not saggy, no matter what your body shape.
For instance, standing and walking correctly are two of the most important ways to look good in the altogether.
And, says the Star, simply slicking on baby oil or highlighting your good bits with shimmer-powder can give even Waynetta Slob a touch of glamour.
If at this point you are starting to feel a bit queasy, we advise you to pause and take a few deep breaths before we continue.
Feeling better? You soon wont be as the Star takes us by the hand and leads us into the bedroom.
This is one place where its hard to avoid stripping off, it reminds us, especially if you strike it lucky or have a partner.
If you have a partner, were sure they already know you look like Vanessa Feltz leaving an all-you-can-eat buffet.
But if not, follow our advice.
Turn the lighting right down. Off is perfect, but failing that try some coloured bulbs in pink or peach.
Sit on the bed with your toes pointing downwards it will make your legs look longer and youll appear more elegant. Make sure the light is behind you backlighting makes you look slimmer.
Feeling relaxed and confident? Door locked? What about a little striptease?
Choose decent music. Peeling off your clothes to Theres Klingons on the starboard bow just aint going to cut it. If youve got no music, try moving to a rhythm in your head.
Dont be shy dominate. Your girl or fella will thank you for it!
As the front door slams and they run screaming down your street…’
Wheelbarrow Boys
‘MOST of us have no time for soft lighting, mood music and pointy toes when we get into the bedroom the only thing we are interested in is SEX.
|
| Bob The Builder is on the job |
And when were on holiday, its SEX, SEX, SEX as the Sun reports that Brits Go Bonk Bonkers On Hols.
According to a survey, two-thirds of us have sex with at least one person on holiday, while 46% do it with three people and 20% with more than five.
The favourite sex position on holiday is The Wheelbarrow, described in romantic terms by sex writer Kate Taylor thus.
The girl lies on her tummy, the guy stands behind her, lifts her legs and gets started.
Second favourite is The Bucking Bronco. Over to Kate again. The girl climbs on top and shouts another mans name and tries to stay on as he struggles to get free.
And its quite likely that she will shout another mans name as the survey also reveals that 79% of people who go on holiday with their mates are unfaithful.
Out of these 79%, 58% have slept with at least five people.
Of course, it should be pointed out that this survey is not a representative sample of the British public as a whole.
The Mates Xplore Sex Survey questioned 10,000 men and women in Ibiza, Magaluf in Majorca and Ayia Napa in Cyprus.
Had it included Saga holidays, for instance, were sure the figures would have been much worse…’
Butt Of Our Jokes
‘WHEN Rachel Hunter gets naked, she doesnt have to worry about baby oil, shimmer-powder or even fake tan she has an airbrush to do all that for her.
|
| ‘I call it Vanessa’ |
And its just as well because Rachel is this morning telling the Mirror how much she hates her bum.
Im very insecure about my butt, she says. I suppose I tend to put on weight there. Im just happy its behind me and I never have to look at it.
Unfortunately, the same cant be said for us or indeed for Rachels 24-year-old ice hockey-playing boyfriend Sean Avery, who missed half of last season with a back injury sustained while trying to perform The Wheelbarrow with the 34-year-old New Zealander.
However, Rachel should stop worrying about the size of her arse. It may be bigger than Canada, but sex appeal is not about how you look its about what youre called.
Researcher Amy Perfors, a cognitive scientist at MIT, has discovered that women fancy men with short, sharp first names, while men prefer women to have soft, rounded names.
Names like Chris, Phil, Jim and Neil are apparently a turn-on for women, says the Mirror, while Cuthbert, Jonathan, Joshua and Jules are not.
Juliet, Rula, Louise and Caroline give men the horn, but Tilly, Brenda, Mary and Kerry do not.
As for Vanessa…’
The Undeserving Rich
‘WHAT a difference a week makes! A few days ago, the newspapers were celebrating cancer sufferer Iris Jeffreys £20m win in the Irish lottery.
|
| Is there no justice? |
This morning, they are appalled that a convicted rapist by the name of Iorworth Hoare has scooped a £7m jackpot on the British equivalent.
The Sun tells how the 52-year-old sex monster was on weekend leave in a Middlesbrough bail hostel when his numbers came up.
A pal explained: We saw him on Sunday morning and he was looking well smug with himself. He told us hed come into some money.
But Hoares celebrations were cut short when prison officers arrived to take him back to prison amid fears that he might flee the country.
Their worst fears appeared well-founded, says the Express, when Hoare answered his door just hours after the draw to reveal a packed suitcase waiting in the hall.
Last night, he was being held as a high security prison until his long-term future can be decided.
Hoare is the latest in a string of lotto jackpot lags, including tabloid bete noir Michael Carroll, who was jailed for drug offences after his £9.7m win, armed robber Glenn Watts, who won £2.6m, Lee Ryan, jailed for handling stolen cars after his £6.5m win and Nigel Gardner-Hale, jailed for 12 months for all-night sex, booze and drugs parties after his £3.4m windfall.
But, while papers like the Mail would like to see the fickle finger of fate point only at deserving winners like Mrs Jeffrey, the truth is that there are going to be an increasing number of Ioworth Hoares, Lee Ryans and Michael Carrolls.
The Sun reports today that Tory leader Michael Howard is promising to build more prisons, lock up more prisoners and put yet more police on our streets if he is elected.
Pretty soon, the whole country is going to be divided up into one giant game of cops and robbers (with the robbers winning the National Lottery every weekend).
We dont need more prisons, we dont need more prisoners and we certainly dont need more police officers.
Perhaps, if the ones we have already could solve anything more complicated than the Suns Coffee Time crossword, we might all sleep a bit safer in our beds.’
Losing The Plot
‘IF, like most of the country, you think EastEnders has lost the plot in recent months, you are right. Literally.
|
| ‘Wots this abaht a plot?’ |
The Sun reports that thieves broke into the home of a top exec on the BBC soaps production scheme and half-inched months of top secret scripts.
The screenplays, the paper adds, included the return of legendary landlady Peggy Mitchell, Kat Slaters exit and even the Christmas specials.
Producers are very worried by this, a BBC insider says. This could destroy all their plans for the coming months.
The matter is now in the hands of the police, but Anorak has learnt that an arrest is imminent after two men were seen fast asleep in a car with the first page of the script still open in front of them.’
The Ring Recycle
‘EASTENDERS bosses need not worry about the stolen scripts being leaked to the newspapers.
|
| ‘Give me a ring on 0800 NONEWS’ |
Even in the middle of silly season, no papers going to alienate its readers by printing any more of the tedious tosh than they have to.
Theyd prefer to regurgitate two-week old stories than give the Ferreiras any more publicity and so thats what the Star does today.
Jordan In Wedding Shock, says its front-page excuse for publishing some sexy, new pictures of the overinflated glamour model.
And inside it tells how the 26-year-old is now on sparkling form after getting engaged to pint-sized Aussie poster Peter Andre.
The gorgeous glamour girls hunky lover surprised her, the paper reports, by going down on one knee and producing a whopping £5,000 diamond ring.
Regular readers will immediately notice something wrong with this story and not just that if Peter went down in one knee he wouldnt be able to see over the side of the table.
It is that it bears a remarkable similarity to the Suns story of July 29th, which also took place on the Maldives island of Ringali and which also involved Andre giving his girlfriend a £5,000 diamond sparkler.
In fact, the only difference between the two stories is that in the Suns version the couple were on the island filming a pilot for a show called laughingly VIP Get Me Out Of Here, while in the Stars version they were filming a video of Peters track All Time Girl.
As they say in Tabloidland, you really couldnt make it up…’
Table For Three
‘PAUSE briefly and consider why it is that the erstwhile girlfriend of the England football manager should have her own PR adviser.
|
| Room for a little one |
It truly is, as Tears For Fears once said, a mad world and one of the beneficiaries is Big Brothers favourite Geordie bunny-boiler Michelle Bass.
This morning, Michelle gives a world exclusive interview to the Star, in which she tells of my kinky sex with Stuart.
Actually, she tells of no such thing, opting instead to reveal the sexy secrets that will keep her chicken clucking in the bedroom.
For instance, she reveals in the Stars words – that she would LOVE a threesome between the sheets with hunky Stuart and another girl.
This, at least, is the papers interpretation of never say never and I suppose so.
She says she KEEPS handcuffs, a whip and sex toys under her bed and LOVES dressing up in sexy underwear.
And she reveals that she has ENJOYED naked romps with girls and fancies Jordan and Christina Aguilera.
All of which is fascinating, but nothing compared with the real bombshell.
Apparently, what drippy Stuart thought was just a desire for privacy on the would-be glamour models behalf was actually a fetish.
Michelle reveals that she gets wildly TURNED on by the sight, and feel, of cheap carpet and can only climax while making love UNDER a table.’
The Model Governor
‘THESE are dangerous times for Tasmania, which in the wake of Richard Butlers departure must soldier on without an official representative of the Queen until a replacement can be found.
|
| Horses for courses |
A constitutional crisis beckons and nervous residents of the island are already asking who will break bread on their behalf with visiting nobs from overseas.
Our advice, sitting here in the Old Country with Her Majesty shacked up just a few miles away, is to act fast to plug this particular hole (and not in the manner favoured by Mr Butler).
We could recommend numerous Aussies who we have no doubt would be happy to return home to do their duty.
We think of the likes of Jono Coleman, Rolf Harris and Peter Andre or, on the distaff side, Germaine Greer, Kathy Lette and even dear Kylie Minogue.
But inspiration hits us in the form of the Mail, which reports that Sarah Fergusons niece Ayesha Makim has arrived to these shores with model-girl pout, blonde tresses, endless legs and a love of the limelight that puts even Fergie to shame.
We are sure the 18-year-old could be prevailed upon to give up her modelling contract with Storm and the spreads in Hello! magazine and return whence she came.
As the granddaughter of Major Ron and the niece of the Duchess of York, she certainly has the breeding to follow in Mr Butlers footsteps.’
Butler Did It
‘RICHARD Butler, the Queens representative in the Australian island state of Tasmania, has been forced to quit his job because of uncouth behaviour.
|
| The Tasmanian Devil |
Go on, laugh away, but these days it is apparently possible to lose your job Down Under for a lack of decorum.
Only a few years ago, such conduct would have been considered as testament to ones suitability for the highest office.
Bob Hawke, the skirt-chasing former Labour prime minister, was elected largely on the back of the world drinking record he held.
And the Aussies campaigned hard for heavy-drinking cricket legend David Boon to replace the Queen as head of state and become the countrys first President.
Even today, Mark Latham, leader of the Labour opposition to the charisma-bypass that is PM John Howard, has form, having given a taxi driver a good kicking a few years ago.
But what is par for the course in Canberra is not appreciated in Hobart as state governor Mr Butler found out.
The Mail outlines some of the 62-year-olds colourful behaviour.
He was said to have started tucking into the food at the wedding of Tasmania-born Mary Donaldson to Crown Prince Frederik of Denmark before the guests of honour had arrived.
He was accused of creating a scene at Sydney airport when he was denied a request for an upgrade.
And wife Jennifer threw a wobbly when she found out that they were being billeted at the Ritz-Carlton Schlosshotel on an official visit to Berlin because it was on the outskirts of the city.
All normal behaviour for any pampered dignitary, one might venture to suggest, and hardly conduct unbecoming in Sir Les Pattersons homeland.
But the straw that broke this particular wallabys back was a report of steamy scenes between Mr and Mrs Butler in the fitting rooms of a lingerie store.
Having sex with your own wife is, of course, reason enough in such circles for dismissal.
But it was the cries of You know you love it, Your Majesty, you horny bitch that have left the residents of Tasmania truly appalled.’
Sex Sven-gali
‘IT is hard to know what we care about least Svengate or Big Brother.
|
| But is it porn? |
After two weeks of saturation coverage of both, we are already praying for an end to the summer silly season and a return to real news.
And, if not real news, then at least what passes for real news among the British tabloid press.
Thanks to Faria Alams exclusive interviews with the News Of The World, Mail On Sunday and ITVs Tonight programme, however, we now know a little bit more about Svens domestic habits.
She recounts how they first made love at his luxury villa in Sweden…but only after he had cleared the table and loaded the dishwasher.
We had a wonderful dinner, she recalls. When we finished, I was full of anticipation, but he wanted to clear the plates away first.
After he filled the dishwasher, he led me up to his bedroom where he picked me up in his arms and gently lay me down on his huge four-poster bed.
We made passionate love and it was beautiful. Then Sven got up and pulled on some cotton pyjamas before returning to bed.
We have no doubt that the cotton pyjamas were neatly pressed nor that Sven would fold his clothes neatly over the back of his chair when he took them off.
This is not a man given to surrendering to his passions, as anyone who has watched him in the dugout during an England game will attest.
But what of Nancy? The Sun claims that the 45-year-old Italian could get her revenge on Sven by revealing all about her six years in an interview or even a book.
And there is plenty of revenge to be had after Farias claims that Sven and her had not had sex for more than a year, that she was obsessed with fame and money and that she was absolutely mad and prone to plate-throwing tantrums.
What did Nancy ever do to Faria to deserve these insults? asks the Sun.
Nothing. But which was the newspaper that paid the former Soho Square PA a small fortune to describe Nancy as a sick and twisted drag queen?
That would be the Suns sister paper, the News Of The World.’
The Nightmare Continues
‘ARE you sitting down? Well, youll need to be when you hear this mornings news that Big Brother could run…for another 30 years.
|
| Shell Does Art. Week 1: The Birth of Venus |
We had been promised that next years show was going to be the last, but the Star says telly bosses are so happy with the ratings that they want to flog this particular horse to death and beyond.
Why on earth would we give this up to another station when its doing so well for us? a Channel 4 insider says.
Who knows we could be talking about how brilliant Big Brother 30 is in years to come.
The thought is truly horrifying we already have 60 ex-Big Brother contestants who periodically pop up in the newspapers and haunt us.
This morning, it is the turn of saucy Shell Jubin, who poses for the Star with a glass of champagne wearing only a lacy bra and knickers.
She says she has been inundated with TV and modelling offers since coming out of the house, but wont let it go to her head.
I didnt go on Big Brother to launch a TV career or become a singer or anything like that, she says.
All I want to now is study for a Masters and become a Doctor of Art History.
And only return to our TV screens for Big Brother: The Veterans in 2017.’
Named And Shamed
‘WITH genuine news stories as rare as an unwashed plate in the Eriksson household, we have been through the papers with a fine toothcomb (also rare in the Eriksson household) to find a story to bring you.
|
| Titmus gets ready for her interview at the FA |
And there it is, buried on Page 25 of the Sun, the news that Britain is in the grip of a terrible addiction.
According to researchers, 500,000 women in Britain are addicted to…sex.
But far from boasting of their raunchy romps, like nurse-turned-nympho Abi Titmus, most girls hooked on nookie are ashamed of their uncontrollable urges, the paper says.
And in keeping with its reputation for openness, the Sun is happy to name and shame 10 women who cant get enough.
Apart from Titmus, they are: Faria Alam, Big Brothers Michelle, Jordan, Jodie Marsh, Tara Palmer-Tomkinson, Alicia Douvall, Sex And The City nympho Samantha, Petrina Khashoggi and Mrs Sting, Trudie Styler.
You disgusting lot, you should be ashamed of yourself.’
The First Noel
‘DID Noel Edmonds kill television?
|
| Wanted! For the brutal murder of British TV |
That’s a rather silly question, dumbed-down, even. The answer is that the bearded former disc jockey who gave us his House Party did not kill telly – he murdered it.
He bludgeoned the magic box to death. He bled it of all life. He massacred the thing we love so much with his god awful shows.
And his legacy lingers on. Without Noel’s Telly Addicts TV quiz, would we have got the current strain of Mastermind? We think not.
Whereas train drivers and cabbies used to answer questions on The Life And Works Of Charles Dickens and The Russian Revolution, today’s contestants swot up on Alan Partridge and Only Fools And Horses.
According to the Shadow Culture Secretary Julie Kirkbride, who speaks to the Express, the show is now playing ‘to the lowest common denominator rather than keeping some sort of intellectual purity’.
A spokesman for an Independent TV campaign called licencefee.com tells the paper that they agree.
‘This is rubbish passed off as public service broadcasting,’ they say. ‘It is no longer a serious quiz but dumb entertainment for the cerebrally challenged.’
It’s true that ‘What is the name of Marlene and Boyce’s dog?’ (Answer: Duke) lacks the erudition of ‘Which great American hero was one of 17 boys of a Boston soap and candle maker?’ (Answer: Benjamin Franklin).
But it could be worse – Jessie Wallace and not John Humphrys could be asking the questions.
And do not doubt that the flesh and bone answer to Edmonds’ terrifying Mr Blobby may get that gig and any other BBC job she might fancy.
The Mirror reports that the mono-dimensional harpy who plays EastEnders’ mono-dimensional harpy Kat Slater is ‘being groomed as the face of BBC1’.
Bring back the Test Card girl, all is forgiven. You never finished your game of noughts and crosses, but you also never made people watching at home gag on their dinner and hide behind the sofa.
But then you were around in TV’s halcyon days before Edmonds arrived at Television Centre. Nowadays, you’ve probably got a beard and swapped teddy for a fat pink lump of rubber…’
Brother Beyond
‘WHILE you may not have watched it, since Big Brother is made-for-tabloid television, it’s been hard to avoid reading about the show.
|
| ‘Great! Cowpie for lunch again’ |
And with the final insult yet to be perpetuated, the papers lead with news of those contestants who have made us all feel so much better about our own miserable, unfulfilled lives.
First up is Nadia, or, as the Sun calls her, ‘Bruv’s sex-swap star’, the ‘lovable Portu-geezer’ – and clear favourite to win this year’s crown.
And here’s her long-lost dad, Luis Leonardo, blinking back tears as he hears of his son Jorge’s sex change and blurting out: ‘I will love him forever – as a son or a daughter.’
That’s a wonderful sentiment, and one that is sure to touch Nadia when she learns how the man who hasn’t seen her since 1992 – a man described as ‘being ‘down-on-his-luck’ – congratulates her on winning the better part of £100,000.
The other Big Brother story concerns brassy Michelle Bass and drippy Stuart Wilson, who met on the show, had sex under a table on the show and then were both evicted from the show.
Today, they’re on the cover of the Star, kissing and cuddling and telling the paper’s Peter Dyke (‘Mr Reality TV’) about their love affair.
‘It’s so great to be back together,’ says Chicken Stu. ‘I’ve missed Michelle. Now I’m out of the house, our relationship can finally begin for real.’
Hold on a mo, Stu. Are you saying that what we saw on the reality TV show was something other than the genuine thing?
Whatever it was or wasn’t, Stu now says he’s happy to have met someone he’s going to ‘have a solid relationship with’.
That’s just great news for Michelle, who chased the long-haired Macclesfield lad with all the guile of a wolf stalking a spring lamb.
But she should be warned that Stu is not exactly hard to please. While he sings words of praise for Michelle, he does the same about all the other original housemates.
He has a ‘lot of respect for Kitten’; ‘Ahmed, man, was an entity’; ‘Dan was an absolute legend’; ‘Jason was a good dude’; ‘Shell said I was like a little brother to her’; ‘Nadia is truly fabulous’; ‘Marco was a fun guy’; ‘Vanessa ‘seemed like a nice girl’; ‘Victor was funny’; and ‘Emma was cool’.
Michelle, meanwhile, is ‘fantastic’. Which, in the language of Stu, is somewhere above ‘awesome’ and just below ‘amazing’.’
Grin And Bear It
‘IN a new move designed to win the war on terror, the Government have come up with a cunning new plan.
|
| How not to do it |
The Sun says that, when posing for passport photographs, we must all look directly into the camera, not blink, not cover our faces and, crucially, not smile.
The war on terror is a serious business and anyone caught smiling, smirking or giggling will have to retake their snapshot.
This sounds right enough, but when we look at our dear beloved leader, the grinning Tony Blair, the new directive could mean that the Prime Minister either stops baring his teeth or else (gulp!) be turned back at the ferry and so forced to spend his summer hols in Blighty.
Clearly, the boffins at the Home Office need to help us out a bit more.
But while they work on their latest knee-jerk plan, the Mail gives future passport holders a few pointers on how to look in a selection of pictures.
In one still, a black man sports tinted glasses. This is a no-no. Holding a passport while black is plain wrong.
One stage on and he’s wearing a woolly hat. This too is wrong, since all Mail readers know that black men wear balaclavas and baseball caps.
Alongside him is a woman in a yashmak. This too is wrong. She is clearly a terrorist and must be deported immediately or else be shot.
She might even be laughing behind that mask, gripping a sabre or the pin from a grenade between her snarling teeth. Such behaviour is frowned up and seen as a form of smiling.
Better to all just do as the Mail’s small blonde child does and look directly into the camera, open-eyed, toothless and without malice or hidden agenda.
Oh, and if you can, try to look white…’
Nick Nick
‘FROM Chalky downwards, Jim Davidson has created characters and comic situations that have many of us peeling back our pointy white hoods and laughing our silly heads right off.
|
| No laughing matter |
But the Mirror brings news that not all of Jim’s gags might be his own work.
One of Jim’s original jokes was, apparently, spawned by comedian Jimmy Carr.
Carr’s gag goes: ‘Someone came up to me last week and complained about that joke. Quite a big-boned girl. She said, ‘I think you’re fattist’. I said, ‘No, I think you’re fattest’.’
It’s a joke that is barely worth the repeating – which makes it all the more interesting that, having congratulated Carr on his bravura performance, Davidson told a similar gag.
In the comic genius of the cockney funster, the joke went: ‘This big fatty weebles-wobbles fat-arsed bird came up and said: You’re fattist’, and I said ‘No, you’re the fattest’.’
Carr wants Davidson to apologise. And, what’s more, the ‘VOICE OF THE DAILY MIRROR’ says that Carr’s already begun legal action.
Although, as yet, Vanessa Feltz is not demanding a credit…’
International Rail Enquiries
‘LIKE us, many of you are intrigued by the increasingly familiar sight of thousands of rail commuters travelling to work on top of ancient steam trains.
|
| ‘Change at Crewe for Bangalore, Madras…’ |
The reason for this is that the Government’s integrated transport policy has integrated parts of Mumbai and Bangalore in India, places where such sights are commonplace.
As the Express says, many callers to the National Rail Enquiries Service information line will have been surprised to hear the call centre drone on the other end of the receiver pause at the mention of Cambridge.
Unfamiliar with such exotic names – and we may also include Birmingham, Cardiff and Melton Mowbray in the list of far-flung destinations – the Indian worker is stumped.
And Which? Magazine has discovered to its horror that, from a list of 20 standard questions fielded by its researchers, the bemused Indian operatives failed to answer 15.
This is clearly a massive improvement on the yet darker days of British Rail when simple questions were routinely met with a grunt and then an informative ‘Dunno’.
But even though Which? noted that Indian staff were ‘consistent, patient, friendly and polite’, they were also, in the main, utterly useless.
So in an effort to simplify things, we’ve set up our own Anorak Rail Services Enterprise.
Callers dialling into our service will be put thought to Nigel, our man with a spotter’s pad, who’ll be able to tell you when your train left the factory, how many carriages are on it (with numbers) and when the engine first went into service.
Sadly, he will not be able to give you an accurate time of departure or arrival, since such information is based on pure guesswork and our Nigel only deals in hard facts…’
Aches And Panes
‘WHAT would you like to be the last thing you see before dying?
|
| ‘It’s the Grim Reaper!’ |
Would you prefer to do as millionaire Reg Penny did and spend your final moments staring at a naked Lithuanian prostitute called Zivile Sasnauskiene?
As the Express says, she was the last thing dear old Reg saw before he croaked, dying of natural causes with a bottle of alkyl nitrate (poppers) nearby and a pair of toe nail clippers in his mouth, placed there by his illicit lover to prevent him from swallowing his tongue.
Or would you like your last view to be that of your doctor, telling you not to worry, the operation was a terrific success and you’ll be back on your feet in no time at all?
Problem is that, as the Sun says, nearly half of all patients cannot see their GPs within two days.
The Government had said, according to the Sun’s report, that 97% of patients get to see their doctor within the target time of 48 hours.
But a poll by the NHS watchdog Healthcare Commission found that the real figure is 54%, well short of the mark.
Which means that, if you want to ensure your final view is of your favourite medic, best take a photograph of them and have it stuck to the ceiling above your deathbed. Or stick a video of Carry On Doctor on the telly.
Anything has to be better than the view on offer at Bristol Oncology Centre, where, as the Mail and Express report on their front pages, the windows have not been washed for seven years.
Retired doctor John Hughes-Games – who was to succumb to leukaemia while staying in the centre’s gloomy wards – noticed the awful view and vowed to do something about it.
At his funeral he called for donations from mourners to get the windows cleaned. His passing was an unmitigated success and he managed to rake together £1,500 for the job.
All that’s left to do now if to find someone willing to take on the work. United Bristol Healthcare NHS Trust is currently accepting tenders for the job.
So if you have a bucket, a ladder and want to do some good, submit your terms of employment for scrubbing the 400 grubby windows to the NHS pen-pushers.
And if you get the job, try to smile as your head pops up at the grimy windows – your face might just be the last thing many people see…’
Den Of Absurdity
‘EASTENDERS lurches from madness to madness as the summer heat has clearly sent scriptwriters over the edge into Eldorado territory with increasingly ludicrous storylines.
|
| Coming to a webcam near you |
Were now supposed to believe that not only Kate and Chrissie find Den irresistible but also every other female he comes into contact with, as he manages to lure home an attractive young woman he met in the club in a bid to get over his wife leaving him.
What are you thinking of? Have some self respect! shouted Dennis, not as I assumed to the woman in question, but to Den. Sleeping with someone else isnt going to bring Chrissie back.
Chrissie had discovered his affair with Kate and had finally walked out on Den but not before she taught Kate a lesson about messing with married men.
Chrissie offered to give Kates hair a trim one night after hours in the salon. So, you seeing anyone at the moment? Chrissie asked her, scissors in hand. Kate revealed to her that she had been seeing someone, but it was now over, I discovered he was married.
Really? replied Chrissie, who was starting to hack away furiously. And I suppose you didnt give a thought about his wife and his kids? How did you know he had kids? asked Kate, starting to get nervous.
Chrissie then lunged at Kate like a woman possessed. I know what youve been up to, you dirty slapper! Kate, to her credit, put up a credible fight and it would be difficult to know which lady to back, being fairly evenly matched in weight, reach and loony levels.
Den strode into the salon to break up the bitch fight just as it was getting interesting, with Chrissie banging Kates head against a ceramic sink. Den, true to form, denied everything. Shes mental, said Den, I dont know what shes talking about.
Chrissie has been married to King Rat long enough to know what hes like, however, and promptly packed her bags and fled back to Spain.
Den isnt one to let the grass grow under his feet though and persuaded son Dennis to go out on the pull with him the very next night.
Dennis had other things on his mind though as his girlfriend Zoe was languishing in a police cell. Zoe and Kat had been arrested the night before after a girls night out ended up in a punch-up in Angies Den.
These are the Slaters what on earth did anyone expect? Whats a Slater night out without at least one arrest and a punch-up?’
Very Public Relations
‘IT’S been a day of shocks.
|
| ‘Especially for you…’ |
Dido being the music of choice for the country’s anti-social elements; a footballer being cheated on and not being the cheat; and now this…
We are sorry to relay the Star’s report that Kylie Minogue, the popular singing elf, has ‘stormed out of her lover’s Paris pad’.
The story goes that she’s unhappy with the way Olivier Martinez was recently pictured ‘getting close’ with Michelle Rodriguez at a party for P Diddy.
So Kylie went to confront her lover about his relationship with the Hollywood actress.
And, as luck had it, an ‘insider’ was there to witness just enough of the goings on to let everyone else in on what was said.
‘If she was there to make up, her face and behaviour told a different story,’ says this insider.
‘Kylie stormed out very fast, got into a car and went straight to the station. She looked so miserable.’
It’s all so sad for the former Neighbours actress – who surely should have just called up the Sun, as footballer Gary Neville did, and asked the paper about her lover’s movements.
But hold on a mo, because Kylie’s management team are still denying there’s been any split.
So what is the story: is she with him or without him?
This threatens to be a story that will run and run – until we in Blighty are able to pick Martinez out from a line up of ten other actors or Kylie finishes promoting her latest CD.
Which is hopefully sometime soon…’
