Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
State Of The Nation
”ROYLE BRITANNIA’ announces the Sun, above a picture of couch-potato Jim from the Royle Family. ‘We’re idle nation hooked on junk food and the box.’
|
| ‘When’s Topless Darts on?’ |
But is this a warning or a boast?
The accompanying article says that as a nation we eat badly, have TV sets blaring all day all over the house, and are raising a generation of promiscuous kids with increasing levels of sexual diseases.
Whereas the Sun, on the other hand, offers free McDonald’s vouchers, page upon page of ‘telly’ gossip disguised as news, and, on the page opposite the Royle exposé, a topless pin-up of two teenage twins from Middlesbrough, whose boyfriends often mistake one for the other when drunk and ‘grab the wrong one and kiss us’.
The Sun may be schizophrenic, but the Daily Mail knows where it stands.
As we have often remarked, the Mail has to have articles about immigration and house prices every day – even if they have to go to extraordinary lengths to contrive a story.
Immigration is no problem today: the front page boasts of a huge feature (‘EXPOSED: THE GREAT IMMIGRATION CONSPIRACY – PAGES 2,12,13,14,15’).
Great – but it doesn’t leave much room for house prices, does it?
Don’t worry, turn to pages 24-25, where the ‘real-life’ models form the Dove advertisements are posing in their underwear.
Each model is listed, complete with vital statistics. That is to say age, height, weight, dress size…and property specifications.
Yes, that’s right. Meet Coralie Rose (24, 5ft 4in, 8st 7lb, size 8-10, two-bedroom flat in West London). And Emma Darwish (25, 5ft 4in, 8st 5lb, size 10, flat in South-West London). And so on…
‘IN LURVE WITH OUR CURVES’ says the headline. And the property curve is the sexiest of the lot.’
The Duel In The ‘Pool
‘ANOTHER day, another chapter in the Rooney-McCloughlin feud.
|
| Mr McCloughlin wins in Round 8 |
Today, young Wayne reflects, via the pages of the Daily Star, upon his heartbreak as he watched his ‘beautiful’ fiancée Colleen in tears at the day that was supposed to be perfect.
(By the way, the word ‘beautiful’ is in inverted commas in the paper itself – and we can’t help wondering whether this indicates Wayne’s own comments, or something more sarcastic on the part of the Star.)
Anyway, talking of Wayne’s own words, the lad seems to have blossomed from being a monosyllabic wallflower into a man who speaks fluent tabloidese.
‘I was so heartbroken that I cried,’ he said. ‘Now faceless people are feeding speculation that the family are at war.’
And here, right on cue, comes the Sun, shouting at the top of its voice like a drunken party guest.
‘I’LL HAVE ROO!’ it yells. ‘Wayne dad ends feud with boxing bout.’
It transpires that Wayne and Colleen’s fathers (both former boxers) will don their XXL trunks and knock seven shades of ordure out of each other at the Everton Park Sports Centre next month.
But just in case you thought that this was just an excuse to stir things up, the paper insists that the whole thing is simply a local tradition that lives on from an age of self-discipline and dignity.
‘Both families are from Liverpool, where it is traditional to settle disputes with a punch-up,’ explains Showbiz Reporter Martel Maxwell.
A ‘pal’ is quoted as saying that no weapons are used, and when the fight is finished the feud is never spoken of again.
‘They are doing this so the two families are not still at each other’s throats at their wedding later this year.’
He points out that both men know what they’re doing, ‘but it won’t be pretty’.’
Score Draw
‘SOME stories are just so good, the papers just can’t resist one more bite.
|
| ‘And in the pink corner…’ |
The Star revisits the Rooney-McLoughlin bloodbath with the kind of vital statistic that every football fan requires.
‘2O PINTS EACH IN SIX HOURS,’ trumpets the front page, adding for good measure that the guests at the 18th birthday bash managed to drink their way through a £10,000 bar kitty before the main entertainment (a mass brawl between the families of the England prodigy and his fiancée Colleen) had even started.
The fight started after an incident with Rooney’s mum, who was apparently a bit tiddly by 8.30, but the paper says that Wayne has told her he doesn’t blame her for the subsequent events.
And Wayne can’t really be blamed either. A spokesman said that he wasn’t involved ‘in any way shape or form’, and we believe him.
The paper clearly states that the partygoers ‘necked’ an average of 20 pints each.
And as we all know, young Wayne was born with an unusual medical condition known colloquially as ‘no-neck’.
Case dismissed.’
Taking The Michael
‘ANOTHER story set to run and run is the saga of the NFN (Normal For Norfolk) ‘Lottery Lout’ Michael Carroll.
|
| Don’t live a little, live a Lotto |
Carroll won nearly ten million quid with his first (and presumably last) lottery ticket, but he hasn’t let it change him.
He has continued to break the law, and can usually be relied upon to assume his trademark pose for the cameras: can of lager in one hand, while the other gives the one-fingered salute.
This time he is in the news because of the medical note which he used to avoid arrest last week for non-appearance in court on a charge of handling stolen goods.
Although he was supposed to be ill, the Norfolk gangsta was spotted ‘sprawled over two chairs’ in a quaint-looking café in King’s Lynn.
When asked what he was planning to do to celebrate his 21st birthday, the lardy Rangers fan scowled from under his chav-cap and said: ‘Sniffing cocaine.’
The reporter asked for a serious answer, to which he replied: ‘I am sniffing cocaine, you had better fuck off.’
Then he spat on the ground.
He was later seen emerging from the café again, beer in hand. (Stella Artois – nothing but the best.)
Charles Joyce of the West Norfolk Crime Reduction Partnership – a rival gang to Carroll’s – is another man who usually makes an appearance in these stories.
And sure enough, he pops up at the end to give his two-penny worth.
‘He should have been arrested and kept in the cells over the weekend,’ he said.
Then he spat on the floor and walked off, slapping neighbourhood watch stickers on lampposts as he disappeared into the dark hinterlands of England’s strangest county.’
Alpha Mail
‘THE Daily Mail likes to return to certain stories too, the exceptions being house prices and immigration.
|
| INSIDE – MIGRANTS PUSH UP HOUSE PRICES |
That’s because, in order to return to a story, one has to have left it alone for a while, and no-one here at Anorak Towers – and there are not many here who will see 90 again – can remember a single day upon which the Mail did not run a piece on either of these subjects.
So it was with some surprise and alarm that we report that, although there is a lengthy news story on the ‘migrant minister’ scandal, there is NO house-price story today.
But never fear! The Mail won’t let you down. There, next to the leader column, is a handsome essay by city editor Alex Brummer entitled: ‘When WILL the bubble burst?’
It warns of doom and gloom, and ends in lip-smacking fashion: ‘In the meantime, we can only hope that the large majority of those who have been doing the borrowing will not over-extend themselves so that when the adjustment to house prices comes – as it inevitably will – it will not be too traumatic.’
Thank you Alex, now please adjust your clothing and go back to your desk.
And if that kind of thing isn’t to your liking, may we bring to your attention a curious little piece of trumpet-blowing on page 34, entitled: ‘Your Cleaner Daily Mail.’
‘You may not be aware,’ it says, ‘but the Daily Mail you are reading is printed using a special water-based ink which doesn’t come off on your hands or clothing. This makes it Britain’s cleanest newspaper – another reason for choosing the Mail.’
Or why not choose Anorak instead? We have never come off on anyone’s hands or clothing. And we’re proud to say that none of our readers has ever asked us to.’
Foul-Mouthed Cox
‘THE Daily Mail brings news of an official BBC apology after an obscene comment was made during the Boat Race.
|
| ‘Where the fuck do you think you’re going?’ |
Several million viewers turned on their television sets, only to hear the traditional words: ‘Oh ****, not the ****ing Boat Race!’ from their own mouths.
But this it was a different outburst of swearing that prompted the corporation to beg our pardon.
Following the example of Sir Steve Redgrave, who swore during a live interview at the Olympics, the Cambridge cox was heard to say, ‘Now it’s time to f*** them’ as his crew pulled away at the end. (‘Pulled away’ in the rowing sense, that is.)
The BBC said it had had ‘a small number of complaints’ about the incident, which the cox himself described as a ‘heat-of-the-moment thing’.
The deluge of complaints were about an incident moments later, when a sound engineer could be clearly heard saying: ‘F***! D’you hear what that c*** just said? I don’t f***ing believe it! S***!
‘That’ll be a f***ing classic in a year or two. Wait till Steve Penk gets hold of it! Oi, Chris, I was just saying to this lot, you won’t believe what that Cambridge c*** has gone and done…”
More Bloody Rowing
”ROONEY RIOT’ announces the Sun, above an entertaining account of the eventful celebrations in honour of Colleen McLaughlin’s 18th birthday.
|
| ‘I even bought the No.18 shorts as a present’ |
Colleen is Wayne Rooney’s fiancée, and Wayne had laid on a perfect bash for his princess at Liverpool’s Devonshire Hotel.
Unfortunately ‘bash’ turned out to be the operative word, as the Rooney clan clashed with Collen’s family in a ‘Wild West-style brawl at 3.30am’ – 90 minutes after the free bar had closed.
Mind you, Wayne’s mum didn’t hang about. She was ‘rolling drunk’ by 8.30 and had her hands ‘all over’ an Everton player.
The Rooney sons told her to stop drinking, and Wayne shouted at her so angrily that he was told by Kevin Campbell: ‘Don’t speak to your mother like that.’
Then Wayne’s dad had him cringing in embarrassment when he started singing Everton songs. Eventually the short-necked star walked out.
It wasn’t until later that all hell broke loose, and young Wayne split his hand after punching the wall in frustration. Louise herself had someone else’s blood splattered all over her face.
But what started it all? The paper provides the answer. ‘Rooney’s uncle Eugene is said to have rowed with hotel staff – sparking the brawl’.
Yes, rowing seems to be the cause of most anti-social behaviour these days. How sad – yet how unsurprising – to see a once-civilised sport dragged through the gutter once again.’
Bad Heir Day
‘TWO pictures say it all today. The Mirror shows Prince William, head in hands at Klosters, where he is enjoying a skiing holiday.
|
| ‘And I rolled a spliff that was literally that big…’ |
And the story is: Wills is starting to go bald, and will end up looking like his father and Uncle Edward.
More shocking by far, however, is the Sun’s picture of Sneaky Sven. He may have pledged his immediate future to England, but it doesn’t seem to be stopping him from ‘listening’ to offers from other suitors.
The paper shows him sitting in the stand at Highbury yesterday – next to Michael Jackson (incorrectly captioned by the paper as ‘girlfriend Nancy’).
Whatever can it all mean?’
Alfie Gets Into Debt
‘CHARLIE finally came out of prison this week and, within minutes of his return to Happy Valley, hed had a massive row with his entire family and was in danger of having a stress-induced heart attack.
|
| ‘A fiver a time – and free for OAPs’ |
At his Welcome Home party, Ian had let slip to Charlie that the Slaters had paid rapist Graham off in exchange for him dropping his court case against him. Wot you tryin to do to him? he screamed at Kat. Youre takin away me dignity as a man.
No, Charlie, you lost that the minute you agreed to be in EastEnders.
Alfie had gone to gangster Andy for a loan and was surprised when he agreed. Lets just keep this between ourselves, whispered Andy, to which Alfie was more than happy to agree.
Andy even offered to waive the first repayment date, probably hoping that the higher the interest repayments rise, the lower Kats knickers are going to drop.
For reasons only known to him and his psychiatrist, Andy has an all-consuming passion for Kat and its clear hes going to use Alfies debt to try and lure her into bed at some point. With £7,500 outstanding, shes going to have her work cut out: her usual rate is twenty quid an hour.
Elsewhere in The Square, Dennis and Sharon are continuing their equally unsavoury relationship.
Weve done nofink wrong! screamed an impassioned Sharon in The Vic after Sam accused her of being disgusting. We love each other whats so wrong with that? Well, the wedding will certainly be cheap considering theyre only got one family to invite.
Paul was in the pub and Sharons speech spurred him on to try and fix things with Natalie. Natalie has dumped him on discovering that he was more involved in Barrys death that hes told her.
After being let go by the police due to lack of evidence, Janine went straight round to Natalies. Let me tell you about your precious Paul, shall I? she spat. Yes! I killed Barry, but Paul helped me.
Natalies decided to leave Walford to make a fresh start. Dont go, begged a tearful Paul. I can change. Change into what? A successful murderer instead of a failed one?
Paul has vowed to get his revenge on Janine. He started by doing a Basil Fawlty and smashing up her car. Paul wont have to wait long, however, as Janine is set to go down very soon and this time its not for a fiver behind the car lot.’
Hate Mail
‘THE Daily Mail-icious is a must-read for the BNP, and heres why, announces the headline on page two of the Express.
|
| Fred Bassett’s mad-cap adventures always made the Mail’s readers smile |
There follows a litany of shame.
The Daily Mail has always been the paper of choice for fascists, the unnamed Daily Express Reporter thunders. The shameful anti-Semitic record of the Rothermere newspaper empire during Adolf Hitlers reign is well known.
But today, in 2004 [for the benefit of readers under the impression that its still 1954], the Daily Mail-icious has become required reading for members of the British National Party, as this shocking picture on the right shows.
And sure enough, the picture in question shows a man with a sign that says: VOTE BNP read the Daily Mail.
Persuasive stuff, to be sure, but theres more.
The Mail, we are told, relentlessly denigrates women who struggle to combine a career with raising their family. Or irresponsible single mothers, to give them their correct title.
That clinches it. The wheezy shuffling you can hear is half a million elderly Express readers making their way to the newsagent to switch their daily order to the Mail.
Which is great news for the owner of the Express, who obviously didnt want the custom of that sort of person anyway.’
Take It To The Max
‘MAXINE TO FACE FURY OF THE MOB, predicts the front page of the caring Express.
|
| ‘I ‘eard she killed Princess Di ‘n’ all’ |
Yes, Maxine Carr is due in court today to face fraud charges, and theres trouble brewing.
Police admitted that emotions were running high, by which they mean that emotions are running high in the minds of the handful of nutters who take it upon themselves to stand in the street and conduct a public orgy of violent emoting.
On page 8, the paper ups the ante, warning of Maxine riot scare, and reporting the concerns of police – just above the helpful paragraph describing where exactly the court is situated.
So what are you waiting for? Get those wheelchair wheels pumped and walking sticks polished and head for Peterborough immediately.
Our contingent is meeting under the banner that says: BRING BACK THE ROPE: Read the Daily Express.’
Female Trouble
‘WHAT is the correct thing to do if you see a lady inadvertently experiencing an underwear faux pas?
|
| ‘And can you make tea?’ |
Answer: Pull her thong up, so that it is properly displayed above her waistlaine, in accordance with modern fashion.
Wrong! Do that, and youll be in big trouble.
The Express reports that it was precisely this kind of behaviour that got senior city lawyer Lawrence Phillips into trouble, when one of his young fillies high-flier Sarah Collins took exception to the laddish culture at her law firm.
In the end, Collins was put forward for redundancy during her maternity leave. Youd think that she would have been glad to leave, but not a bit of it.
The young minx is now dragging the firms name through the mud with a claim for sexual discrimination and unfair dismissal.
We suggest she puts all that kind of thing out of her pretty little head, and look for a more suitable job now that she has had her baby.
A colleague suggested that her looks meant she was wasted as a solicitor and would be better off as a receptionist.
Sounds just the ticket. In a year or two, she wont even remember what all the fuss was about.’
Conduct Unbecoming?
”THE blonde soldier at the centre of an army bonking case had at least 12 lovers of BOTH sexes, The Sun can reveal.’
|
| Warrant Officer Angela McConnell arrives late for the indoor rugger match |
Ho hum. And where is the ‘revelation’ in that, exactly?
Admittedly, we weren’t aware that hermaphrodites were in quite such plentiful supply in the modern Army.
But given that male soldiers are never happier than when they are getting into drag under various pretexts, and make up almost 100 per cent of all sex-change operations performed in this country, we can’t say we’re surprised that some recruits defy strict either/or categorisation. But we digress.
‘The case of The Mucky Major has done little for the Army’s reputation,’ says the Sun, and again we disagree.
On the contrary, the Army’s reputation as a hotbed of sleaze has never been stronger.
This case has merely confirmed that Our Boys like nothing more than to get together and take their clothes off – and, if there’s a young popsie on hand to lend a spurious air of heterosexual high-jinks, then that’s a bonus.
‘Sex-mad officers drop their trousers and the girls just have to grin,’ announces the headline on Page 6. Well, what else are they supposed to do as they stand there twiddling their thumbs?
The article explains that there’s nothing the chaps love more than ‘stripping off’.
‘They’ll drop their trousers for the slightest reason,’ reveals Warrant Officer Angela McConnell, the lady at the centre of the case. ‘Whether it’s for a dare or to play indoor rugby in the mess, they don’t care.’
The paper says that the ‘bonking major’ episode has been particularly damaging for the King’s Royal Hussars, which, as it points out, has ‘close links to the Royals’.
Oops. Another embarrassment beckons.’
Cardiac Arrest
”END OF HEART DISEASE,’ announces the front page of the Daily Express, to the sound of hundreds of thousands of wheezy cheers and humming pacemakers.
|
| New hearts will soon come flat-packed with easy-to-follow instructions |
But there’s a catch: ‘No one under 65 will be a victim.’
Bugger. Oh well, at least the Express readers have had a good run for their money, even if most of them won’t be around in eight years’ time – the date by which a ‘top doctor’ predicts that the killer condition will be eliminated.
And of course, with all its readers gone, experts are also predicting the elimination of the Express itself by the year 2011.
Which just leaves the Mail. Bugger.’
Appliance Of Science
‘MORE hot news from the exciting world of scientific surveys.
|
| ‘Bugger! I forgot my smokes’ |
‘Evidence shows that smoking increases with drink,’ says Professor Jed Rose.
Eh? Wossee on abaat? Translation, please!
‘Smoking is more enjoyable with an alcoholic drink,’ explains the Mirror.
Quite so. But then so are breakfast, elevenses, lunch, tea, supper, and bedtime cocoa, not to mention all the other activities in between.
Even an impromptu game of indoor rugger in the mess – the most fun a man can have without his uniform on – is improved by a quick visit to the regimental drinks cabinet.
Stick that in your test-tube, Professor Rose, and come back when you’ve got something useful to say.’
Plain Speaking
‘JUST when Rio Ferdinand was thinking life couldn’t get much worse…it got a whole lot worse.
|
| ‘To be honest…’ |
‘BAD: Rio’ says the Mirror’s caption, below a picture of Rio with his characteristic lip-chewing expression.
What’s he gone and done now? Broken a curfew? Failed a breathalyser? No, something much more serious.
Ferdinand, in the opinion of the Daily Express, is guilty of using ‘cliché-ridden sayings’ – or clichés, as they are usually called.
The Plain English Society has compiled a list of annoying phrases, in a brave attempt to get some publicity on its 25th anniversary – or, as the paper has it, to stamp out (not at all cliched, that) tired and irritating expressions.
Top of the list is ‘at the end of the day’, which, to be fair, we have heard from Rio’s well-chewed lips on more than one occasion.
But what of ‘to be fair’ itself? Or to be more specific, ‘to be fair’, as in its current incarnation, meaning its opposite, ie, ‘to be honest’?
Oh dear, now we’ve got them going. At the end of the day, ‘to be honest’ is the worst phrase of all in the opinion of Plain English spokesman John Listor.
‘It means the next thing that will come out of their lips will not be honest,’ he says.
But at least we know where we stand with ‘to be honest’ – at the end of the day, it might not be honest, but its meaning is plain enough.
But of ‘to be fair’ there is no mention. Instead, these Plain English chaps are getting hot under the collar about such innocuous phrases as ‘go forward’.
Never mind. There is still one bastion of good English. As the paper modestly notes: ‘The Daily Mirror has won the Plain English award for its clear use of language on three occasions.’
What’s that, then: three awards or three occasions upon which language was used clearly?
At the end of the day, we’ll probably never know…’
Signs Of Madness
‘YOU’LL never guess what they’ve gone and done. What do you mean ‘who’? The busybodies of Brussels, of course.
|
| ‘1:2 Gradient – Use Low Gear’ |
They’ve only gone and passed a law saying that warning signs have to be put up on building sites to prevent falls.
What’s wrong with that? Well it’s obvious – it means that they’ll have to put them on mountains, too.
And that will mean chaos at the UK’s 1,000 licensed outdoor activity centres. Look, it says so in the Star.
‘This is madness,’ said Euro MP Jonathan Evans, Tory MEP for Wales – possibly commenting on the legislation, or maybe just describing the situation in his own head.
The Health and Safety Executive says it wants a common-sense approach. So don’t expect to see many signs on mountains.
Except of course for the ones that say ‘Beware: Icy Patches’.’
Lout Is Out
‘PASS the marmalade, darling. Thank you. Have you finished with the Mail? Thank you.
|
| The weight of responsibility |
Hmmm… Ah… Oh dear, I see that lottery lout has walked free from court again.
You know, the one who won £9.7m and carried on dealing drugs. It says he got off a seven-year sentence in return for doing a 12-month drug testing and treatment order.
Charles Joyce thinks it’s all wrong and send out the wrong messages.
What’s that, darling? Who’s Charles Joyce? He’s that chap from the West Norfolk Crime Reduction Partnership that I was telling you about. You remember. Talks a lot of sense.
That Henry Bellingham chap’s on the right lines too: ‘He is sticking two fingers up at everyone.’ No, darling, he’s not sticking his fingers up – it’s what he said about the lottery lout chap.
Listen to this: ‘Winning the lottery isn’t just someone’s right. It is a massive privilege and with that comes responsibility.’
What’s that, darling? It doesn’t say anything about responsibility on the ticket? Yes, I know but that’s not the point. These things should be obvious to anyone.
Honestly, darling, I sometimes wonder if you listen to anything I say…’
Hunter’s Moon
‘IF Ultimo had any doubts about employing a 34-year-old mother-of-two as the ‘face’ of their lingerie range, a quick look at today’s papers would quickly dispel such thoughts.
|
| Vanessa Feltz was pleased with post-airbrush results |
For, Rachel Hunter shows a talent for self-publicity that would make Victoria Beckham blush.
Of course, the ability to publish pictures of a blonde in her briefs is excuse enough for the Sun to devote its hallowed Page 3 slot to the New Zealand-born ex-wife of Rod Stewart.
But it takes more than that to persuade papers like the Express and Mail to cover the launch of a new lingerie range.
And both papers are quick to spot that the Amazonian beauty who appears in the Ultimo pictures bears little resemblance to the real Rachel.
Indeed, the Mail publishes pictures of the two side by side and highlights where the airbrush has been at work.
‘The promotional pictures show a toned, almost muscular stomach,’ one onlooker says, ‘whereas in the flesh you could see a much fuller stomach through the slip she was wearing.’
So what, Rachel tells the Express.
‘I was airbrushed but I don’t understand why people go on about it. Airbrushing happens to everyone, in every magazine.
‘I do think it’s great that I’m doing modelling like this at my age and after having had two kids. It’s a time to celebrate your body, not to cover it up.’
Even better, it’s time to celebrate a magazine editor’s idea of what your body should look like.
But despite not having seen a non-airbrushed picture of herself since her sixth birthday, the Express says Rachel is still ‘as skittish about her body as other women’.
‘I’ve always been insecure about my bottom,’ she says, ‘but then most women are. It’s a beast.’
Indeed it is – and, may we say, quite unlike Penny Lancaster’s beautiful derriere.’
Blooming Hell
‘WHEN the Star asked its readers to nominate their favourite celebrity, it would have been pretty confident about the identity of the winner.
|
| Orlando Bloom (as he might have looked if his name was Kelly Brook) |
She would be buxom – Jordan, Lucy Pinder, Kerry McFadden; she would never knowingly appear overdressed – Jordan, Lucy Pinder, Kelly Brook; and she would have no discernible talent – Jordan, Lucy Pinder, Victoria Beckham.
What she wouldn’t be is a he.
But Star readers are nothing if not unpredictable and the paper is surprised – and not a little embarrassed – to discover that Lord Of The Rings actor Orlando Bloom picked up most votes.
What is more, while 60% of Star readers would like to sleep with a star on a first date (and most opt for Kylie as their partner of choice), the person most Star readers would like to see naked is…Orlando Bloom again.
This is devastating news for the paper that supports Britain’s builders – only to find that they’re a bunch of mincers with a collective crush on a 27-year-old pretty boy.
And so that Star takes matters into its own hands and illustrates the story with a front-page picture of a scantily clad Kelly Brook, despite the fact that she barely registered on readers’ radars.
‘Kelly’s Way Out In Front,’ it declares (apropos of nothing), ‘but hunky Orlando’s blooming lovely too.”
Too Many Cooks
‘TO the outside world, Australia likes to present itself as a country that has not only come to terms with its aboriginal roots, but actually celebrates them.
|
| The Aboriginal Dog |
At the Sydney Olympics in 2000, Cathy Freeman was the embodiment of this new Australia, a country that has left behind its White Australia policy and the scandal of the Stolen Generation.
No exhibition of Australian art these days is complete without a large aboriginal section and lip service at least is paid to aboriginal culture and religious beliefs.
This image is, however, almost completely false – aborigines for the most part are given a load of guilt money and encouraged to drink themselves to death far away from the rest of the population.
But it is a myth that Australia is keen to preserve and thus we read in today’s Mail that the country’s National Parks & Wildlife Service is planning to remove monuments at the place where Captain Cook first set foot in 1770 because they represent ‘European dominance’.
Facing the axe is a 200-year-old anchor (which admittedly was found to have no connection with Cook) and two 60ft pine trees, to be replaced by original vegetation such as gum trees and ti-trees.
‘When you go to the site,’ explains Mike Patrick, of the Wildlife Service, ‘the initial message is one of European arrival by boat, not years of occupation by aboriginal people.’
So, plans are afoot to cut new paths around the coast showing where aboriginal tribes lived before Cook arrived and to build a café which will use aboriginal names for tea, coffee and snacks.
Of course, you might argue that the message from the moment you arrive in Australia to the moment you leave is one of European dominance because that is how the country became what it is today.
But as long as we can ask for a hot dog using its aboriginal name (because we’re sure hot dogs were the staple diet of the indigenous population before Cook’s arrival), we can all feel better about ourselves.’
The Ex Diet
‘MARTINE McCutcheon swears by the Sex Diet, claiming a while ago that loada shagging was responsible for her weight loss.
|
| Charlotte’s keep-fit regime was a hard snog |
But Charlotte Church today puts the case for the Ex Diet, claiming that she has lost 14 stone of excess weight since she dumped her boyfriend and only 12.5 of that belonged to Steven Johnson.
Gone are the baggy clothes she wore with the cheating DJ, says the Mirror. In have come a host of close-fitting outfits that complement her new shape.
But what apart from heartache has caused Charlotte to lose her puppy fat?
Mum Maria explains: If she wants chocolate, she has chocolate. If she wants pizza, she eats pizza. She is just very lucky.
The Ex Diet may seem the perfect way for teenaged girls to lose weight especially if it allows you to eat as much pizza and chocolate as you like.
But, of course, the difficulty with it is that you have to find a boyfriend in the first place to dump not easy when youre continually gorging on pizza and chocolate and dont have a bank account the size of Charlotte Churchs.
So what do you do? Well, you could always try to disguise the excess flab under the orange glow of sunbed tan.
But youd better hurry the Express says that a campaign is being launched by Cancer Research UK and the Sunbed Association to try to ban under-16s from using the tanning beds.
It says that all coin-operated salons should be shut down because of the high incidence of skin cancer, 70,000 cases of which are diagnosed each year.
Banned from tanning salons, prohibited by law from indulging in Martines Sex Diet, is it any wonder that almost a third of ten-year-olds worry about their weight?
According to a poll for Radio Five Live, carried in this mornings Mail, a quarter of ten-year-olds are concerned about how they look, while a half fear their diet is unhealthy.
As many as one in five of the children admitted that they didnt eat fruit and vegetables every day, with pizza being identified as the most popular food.
Lets just hope that all of them can sing like an angel…’
At A Stroke
‘IT is little wonder that we have become a nation of fatties when one in eight ten-year-olds plays no sport at all at school.
|
| A potential paedophile at play |
But we dont exactly make it easy to do exercise away from the classroom either, with the Mail this morning reporting on how backstroke has been banned in one council-run swimming pool because it is too dangerous.
Swimmers at Daisyfield Pool in Blackburn have been told to stick to strokes which enable them to see where they are going so they dont collide with other people or hit the sides of the pool.
They will probably ban breaststroke next for being rude, complains Steve McCann, a 40-year-old mechanic who uses the pool with his two daughters.
We really are living in a very pedantic society.
David Sparkes, chief executive of the Amateur Swimming Association, agreed: Its bureaucracy gone mad and it just beggars belief.
The ban follows a recent decision by a school in Chippenham to ban footballs from the playground because they were dangerous.
But Blackburn & Darwen Council, which last year became the first council to ban mobile phones from its pools in case paedophiles used them to take pictures of children, defended its decision.
We felt it was a common sense decision, said Kate Hollern, executive council member for leisure and culture.
Indeed, but if the problem is that the pool is too crowded, then why not go further.
Ban adults altogether after all, inside everyone of us theres a potential paedophile waiting to get out…’
A Dog’s Life
‘FOOLS and their money are soon parted, says the old adage, but not half as quickly as dog lovers are separated from their wallets.
|
| The lap-dog of luxury |
The British spend a staggering £73m a month on unnecessary extras for their pooches, ranging from canine manicures to commissioning a portrait of the little mutt.
And it isnt dotty old women or lonely old men who are the biggest spenders, but 16 to 34-year-olds who feel guilty about being out at work all day.
According to the poll carried in the Express, nearly 70% of dog owners buy their hound a Christmas present and 40% buy it a birthday present.
Half of all owners allow their dogs to sleep on their bed at night, a third spend money on manicures and hair-cuts and one in 12 commissions a portrait of their pet.
It really is a dogs life…’
Andys Indecent Proposal
‘ANDY made Kat an indecent proposal this week (a very indecent proposal to anyone digesting their dinner) he offered her ten thousand pounds to sleep with him.
|
| Look out, Janine! It’s the pigs |
The Slater family are trying to raise ten grand to pay off rapist Graham whos suing Charlie for loss of earnings after his beating. Earnings from what being a serial crossword addict?
A good old Cockney whip-round in the Vic raised an unlikely grand, but that still left them around nine short. Kat decided to approach Andy on the grounds that he owes me for taking care of him when he got beaten up.
Andy told Kat that she could have the money, if she slept with him twice a week. Youre disgustin, she sneered before slapping him round the face. Too right he is.
Another lardy-arsed slapper (in oh, so many ways) is also about to land herself in trouble when Janine gets taken into Walford Police station after Paul gets a conscience.
Paul had asked Natalie to move in with him and she was going to agree, until Pat told her that she suspected that Paul and Janine had been more than just friends.
In typical soap style, Janine had left a bracelet lying around that Paul had given her with his name engraved into it. You dont have to be Miss Marple (or Hercule Poirot in Pats case) to work out that they have been something going on between them.
Pat told Natalie, who confronted Paul. All right! he shouted, I did sleep with her but it was a big mistake. Indeed big is a word you definitely associate with Janine.
In a bid to win Natalie back, Paul decided to go to the police and tell them the truth. Well, his version of the truth anyway. Janines still got some fight left in her, however well, one fight to be exact, when she and Laura take each other on to the death next week.
Elsewhere in The Square, Walfords very own Red-neck couple, Sharon and Dennis have gone public with their almost brother-sister incest relationship.
Dennis accused Sharon of being ashamed of their relationship (you dont say) and told her, if she wasnt prepared to go public, it was over.
Sharon, probably realising that her brother was the best she was ever going to get, agreed to meet Dennis in the Vic and the pair treated everyone to a hideous public display of indecency that even Courtney Love would have been ashamed of.’
