Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Sun, Sea & STD
‘JUST about the only British tourists not bonking like rabbits are the crew in the I’m A Celebrity… jungle.
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| Foam home |
Had the producers of the TV show only located it in a clearing in an Ibiza club, right now the whole lot of Bests, McPaddings and Ruddocks would be rutting in a sea of flesh and foam.
Because Ibiza is the place where, according to the Mirror, almost 20,000 of us Brits have sex with more than one person every year.
The survey by a professor at Liverpool’s John Moores University found that a quarter of men and one in seven women from the UK claim to have had more than one sexual partner during their stay on the island.
And 11 per cent of men and three per cent of women said they had romped with six or more people.
Now there must be a certain dose of salt added to such a survey, since men will surely up their body count and women lower theirs. But that’s not the only dose in this affair.
Whereas sex is a ‘bonk-barmy’ story in the Sun, in the Mail’s wringing hands, it’s very much a case of ‘Ibiza rave tourists risk sex diseases’.
The Mail then treats its readers to a story about Aids, sexually transmitted diseases – one in ten 16 to 19-year-olds has chlamydia – and, most shockingly of all, the news that 85 of every 1,000 visitors to Ibiza would have sex with a foreigner.
And that includes Australians, like Peter Andre…’
Goody’s Gumdrops
‘BEFORE Katie Price and her Jordans got real, the top dog in the reality TV kennel was Jade Goody.
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| ‘I’ll never make it – I’m even less talented than Posh Spice’ |
But the woman who turned a nation off kebabs in her Big Brother stint has not done too shabbily from her time in the spotlight. The Sun reports that Jade has become the show’s first millionaire.
How she has reached this financial milestone is not immediately obvious.
But whatever the secret to her success, Max Clifford, the charmless PR exponent, says Jade’s rise to the top ‘proves you don’t have to be talented to be a star’.
And if you don’t believe Max, ask those who manage the PR for Vanessa Feltz, Freddie Starr, Michelle Ryan, the cast of Hollyoaks and just about every single product to fall off of the reality TV conveyor belt.
That includes former Big Brother contestant Kate Lawler, who has, apparently, amassed a haul of around two hundred grand; ‘Nasty’ Nick Bateman (£418,000); Brian Dowling (£280,000); Helen Adams (£195,000); Paul ‘Bubble’ Ferguson (£120,000), Davina McCall (price on application); Dermot O’Leary (no job too meaningless) Peter Andre (nothing more Insania than that); Kerry…’
Off Their Trolley
‘AS far as our research goes, we have no idea if the aisles at Lidl supermarkets are wider and straighter than those at their rivals’ stores.
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| Lesson 6 – How To Park A Trolley |
Our survey falls short of discovering if the wheels on supermarket trolleys at the German-owned grocers never fall off or buckle and appear to have minds of their own, as they do at British equivalents.
And we cannot yet be sure if the voice on the firm’s PA system in the group’s Swansea store is that of a descendent of William Joyce. We are still looking into these things.
But we do know one thing, chiefly thank to the Mail, and that is that the Germans have ‘vays of making you queue’.
The paper hears from 50-year-old Patricia Evans from Wales who disobeyed the company’s strict rules on shopper behaviour by pushing her trolley the wrong way into the checkout area.
She was reprimanded for her actions and asked to turn the trolley the other way around. She refused. The cashier forcibly tried to turn it around.
Still Mrs Evans, with the spirit of the Blitz burning in her eyes, would not back down. A manager was called, and he told the customer that is was company policy to have trolleys all facing the same way.
He too tried to turn it round. And he failed. And the upshot is that on her way out of the store, Mrs Evans was told not to come back. Entry was verboten.
As Mrs Evans puts it, in a language we can understand: ‘You don’t get anyone speaking to you like that at Marks & Spencer.’
She goes on: ‘It was outrageous. I know we all hear about German efficiency and management, but this was going too far.’
But the Herrenvolk who confronted Mrs Evans might have just misinterpreted their orders. It might even have been a joke – a jolly jape, as we Britishers call it – and not meant to cause offence.
It might just be that the Germans were laughing at themselves, a gag at their own expense, a subtle play on national stereotypes.
And don’t dismiss this theory out of hand, as the Star tells us that The Producers, Mel Brooks’ musical about the delights of the Nazi regime, is set to debut in Berlin.
Surely the Germans have a sufficiently well-developed sense of humour to watch this satire on the Third Reich. The accusations about their lack of humour can be finally laid to rest.
Perhaps. But some Germans and supermarket staff might see the thing in an entirely different light. After all, in Nazi Germany it was always springtime for Hitler.
Take them away, Mel…’
The Fuhrer Of The Valleys
‘IT has not evaded our searchlight that the incident at the Lidl’s supermarket occurred in one of its Welsh branches.
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| One of the few surviving pictures of Winnie |
For this is not the only occasion in today’s press where Welsh-German relations make the news. Indeed, the Sun’s story is even set in wartime.
In ‘REVEALED: HITLER’S WELSH GIRLFRIEND’, the paper says that the leader of wartime Germany was enamoured with Brecon-born Winifred ‘Winnie’ Williams, and came close to marrying her.
A producer for BBC Wales has discovered love letters sent between the two, and noted that Winnie dubbed her loveable rogue of a boyfriend ‘Kapellmeister Wolf’.
What’s more, the Mail says that dear old Winnie also gave her Hittles the paper on which he was to write his study in concentration, Mein Kampf.
Sadly, things did not pan out, and Winnie turned down the Fuhrer’s offer of marriage in favour of a few years of wedded bliss to Richard Wagner’s bisexual son Siegfried.
As for what happened to Hitler, little is known for sure, but rumours are that he did finally marry one Eva Braun, but realising that she was no Winnie, immediately killed himself.
Had Winnie only given him her hand, Welshmen might today be pushing trolleys the right way though German supermarkets, winning football matches and laughing as only a true German can…’
Dogs Of War
‘EVEN without Hitler and the Lidl supermarket chain, Britain is still blessed with a smattering of Teutonic influence on high.
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| ‘Little kid, five o’clock. Go!’ |
We speak of course of our beloved Royal Family, who today make the revered pages of the Express.
The paper hears that the Queen has offered to pay compensation to a royal maid who was bitten on the knee (where else do you bite a housemaid?) by a bull terrier belonging to Princess Anne.
The Queen is said to raiding her pension and looking down the back of her sofa in an effort to find the necessary £1,000 she believes is owed to one Ruby Brooker.
It’s an extra drain on finances an elderly women can ill afford, what with the ever-rising council tax bills and all. But the Queen is said to be very keen to play her role as responsible employer to the full and will drum up the cash.
As for the maid’s attacker, Florence Windsor, she is to undergo the same training as her fellow snapper, Dotty, who in 2002 attacked two children in Windsor Great Park.
The incident, much like the war, will then not be mentioned again in decent society…’
Naked Ambition
‘IF the BBCs legion of journalists is unable to ask the questions that matter, what will we be left with?
| Nicola has nothing to hide |
Its a problem Nicola McLean, the Suns woman who gets to the heart of the issue, will doubtless address in the ensuing weeks.
For now, the one media operative who dares question the Government on anything is shocked to hear the news that Tony is overseeing the waste of £50bn of taxpayers money.
Says Nicola: That money could make a real difference to hard-working people.
And thats hardworking people like Nicola, who has barely finished her News In Briefs bulletin than shes stripped off to tell the Star how she fancies yet another career as a rock chick.
If only Andrew Gilligan and other BBC journalists had toiled so hard, we might not now be forced to turn to the likes of an already overworked Nicola to ask the questions that matter.
For this reason, Nicola gets our vote to be the new director-general of the BBC.
Hey, shes such a game girl, lets make her the chairman too, and give her a job reporting on the Today programme.
This is if the BBC exists in it current format in a couple of years.
The Express front-page story (END OF THE TV LICENCE) says Culture Secretary Tessa Jowell and her ilk are considering better ways to fund the corporation than by the licence fee.
What these ways are we can only guess at. But it might involve the Labour party using donations sent its way to fund Aunty entirely themselves.
But nothing will happen without much debate and some tough questions from the likes of Nicola, the one reporter who still dares…’
Where Anglers Fear To Tread
‘FEARFUL of incurring the wrath of Tony Blair, various ageing Law Lords and the MoD, its not just reporters of the BBC that are playing it safe.
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| ‘Anyone know where I can get an Uzi?’ |
Rather than take on the Governments dogs of war, the Mails Sue Reid found her scoop when she bought an Uzi sub-machine gun over the Internet.
For any watching villains and would-be mass murderers out there, Reid lets it be known that she paid £450 for the gun and the entire process took just 20 minutes.
Of course, the speed of transaction was aided by the fact that Uzis come in just one colour (black), and that this was a deactivated weapon, so not an illegal firearm at all, unless Reid brandishes it in the street.
Its a kind of non-story, a bogus dossier, a red herring, call it what you will. And so not unlike the Mirrors expose of Jamie Olivers restaurant, Fifteen.
The Mirrors man who dares is Ryan Parry. Yes, that is the same reporter who played the part of a Palace footman and then exposed the Queens breakfast table to an unsuspecting world.
This time Parrys out selling salmon from the back of his motor.
And the story is that, whereas staff loyal to Raymond Blanc, the ooompah-loopah Anthony Worrall Thompson and Rick Stein questioned the authenticity of the fish before rejecting it, Jamies food buyers asked no questions and handed over the cash.
The recent furore about the health of our native salmon this one had a broad Scots accent makes this an unsavoury matter (although Oliver does claim the fish was only to be used for training purposes).
But while the Mirror was angling for a story, the Express Ruth Hilton was in Australia re-enacting some of the tests Jordan has faced in her jungle experience on TVs Im A Celebrity…
And having eaten cockroaches, witchety grubs, been slithered on by a snake and infested with bugs, Hilton concludes that this was a once-in-a-lifetime experience.
And so it would seem to have been for all these intrepid reporters, who must almost be ready to face their greatest challenge – asking Tony Blair a question.
Will they survive?’
Snap Shot
‘ANYONE wishing to get into journalism should not be put off. There are easier routes into the profession than eating maggots and meeting Jamie Olivers staff.
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| Number 23 is ably supported by our trainee snappers |
For instance, Module One of Anorak Colleges E.Z. correspondents course for would-be writers invites students to report on David and Victoria Beckham.
This is as easy an assignment as ever there was and, by way of a working example, the Mirrors Adrian Shaw takes up the challenge.
He has discovered that a recent photograph in OK! magazine – one in which Posh lies back on a sofa while Day-vid looms over her – has been done before.
The new shot bares an uncanny resemblance to one taken by photographer Mario Marezza two years ago.
The main differences are that Day-vids hair is now tied in a ponytail (back then it was short) and Victorias singing career has hit the skids (back then she was a rising star).
Budding reporters might like to research the story on the Internet, but only if they can negotiate the hazards of porn and men pretending to be nubile women in chatrooms.
And married students should take particular care in their surfing, since the Star says one in ten couples going to counselling at Relate say computers are coming between them.
Weve taken this on a stage, and asked one of our married cub reporters to see how long his marriage would last if he replaced meaningful interaction with his spouse in favour of spending time with a two-dimensional woman of little or no substance.
Number 23 has yet to report back. But we are happy to say that his investigation has taken him to the Spanish capital. We wish him luck…’
Unwhole Again
‘CATS may have nine lives, but Atomic Kitten only had two.
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| The Pointer Sisters |
They survived the departure of Kerry Katona (now masquerading in the Australian outback as Ms McPudding) in 2001, but they will not outlast the loss of Natasha Hamilton.
The Mirror says a split had been on the cards for a while because Natasha has been suffering from post-natal depression after the birth of her son Josh.
A source tells the paper that problems within the band came to a head on Monday when Natasha failed to turn up to a meeting with Dolce & Gabbana where the girls were to discuss their outfits for their forthcoming tour.
It was about the seventh or eighth time she hasnt turned up to an engagement, the source says, and I think they realised they had taken things as far as they could.
The Sun agrees, saying that the pressure of being in Britains top girl band proved too much for the young mother.
Jenny Frost and Liz McClarnon decided to call it quits rather than look for a replacement, and are both expected to try to pursue solo careers.
So much for the official version of events.
Anorak has learnt that the real reason for the split may be more complicated than that they had literally run out of songs to sing.
Between them, Atomic Kitten and Westlife have covered every song known to man and there was nowhere left to go, a record company executive told us.
The only option was for Atomic Kitten to start covering Westlife covers and Westlife to cover Atomic Kitten covers, but the girls had no appetite for that.
Looking at them, they dont seem to have much appetite for anything recently.’
I Feel You
‘THERE are ten people in the Australian jungle with appetites that are going unsatisfied, but for one contestant it is not just hunger for food.
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| Not so mysterious girl |
The Star says sexual tension between Peter Andre and Jordan was bubbling over last night as the couple ended up having a late-night grope in bed.
With the others safely asleep in their hammocks, the randy Aussie wasted no time to sneak into the 34FF Page 3 babes bunk for some serious fondling, it says.
Their pitch-black cuddle was caught on the camps night-vision cameras, giving viewers a clear signal that they are up for a rumble in the jungle as panting Peter pawed her thigh.
It looked like the sexed-up pair were about to get down and dirty…just before frustrated Peter was sent back to his bed with his tail between his legs.
Or, as closer inspection of the night-vision pictures reveals, with his tail not exactly between his legs.’
A Family Affair
‘LIFE continues to get worse and worse for the Slaters its no wonder theyre all a bunch of staggering, fat alcoholics.
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| ‘I feel like a pig in a poke’ |
Charlie has now been told that hes being sued by rapist Graham for loss of earnings after he beat him up and hes also had his cab license suspended while his court case is heard. But of course this is the East End where families pull together in crisis and no-one has a washing machine so the Slaters are going all out to raise some cash.
Mos selling knocked-off fags in pubs and Lynnes got a job in the Mini Mart. Lynnes not the best at keeping jobs though (just ask the EastEnders producers) and managed to last less than a day.
She quit on the grounds that lifting heavy boxes in her condition was dangerous thatll be the condition of being pissed out of her head all the time, I take it?
Sharons also having money worries. Her insurance company is refusing to pay out on the club on the grounds that the fire was started deliberately (and, with more staff than punters, its hardly a good business proposition).
With Den in Spain, the role of comforting Sharon has fallen to his mini-me, Dennis. Its a role Dennis is more than happy to fill: indeed given half a chance, hed be doing a lot more filling.
Hopefully the producers wont go down that distasteful path again and besides, weve already got one dodgy incest storyline on the go.
Kareena is out to win back Tariq, unaware of the fact that hes actually her half-brother. She underwent that classic soap transformation (as seen to such good effect on Neighbours Plain Jane Superbrain several years ago) of massively backcombed hair, cheap tight dress and enough make-up to put Ronald McDonald to shame.
I want you, Tariq, she breathed over him as he edged towards the door. We were meant to be together.
Tariqs parental secret is set to come out soon, however, as that tired old storyline of someone needs an organ transplant and only a secret relative is a match is wheeled out again.
Ronnie was stabbed in a street fight and needs a new kidney. And whats the betting that Tariq proves the perfect match?
Elsewhere in the Square, Rickys about to discover the truth about his little sister: how not only is she a former prostitute and drug addict, shes also a murderer. If she carries on at this rate, shell be running for Parliament in a few years.’
Devil’s Advocate
‘WINSTON Churchill once said that, if Hitler invaded Hell, he would have a nice word to say about the Devil in the House of Commons.
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| Greg Dyke |
The same could be said by the Daily Mail of Tony Blair and the BBC.
The BBC is not an obvious candidate for the Mails support – it is publicly-owned, accountable to no-one but itself, left-leaning, politically correct and run (until this week) by two men who were not only New Labour supporters but were (or had been) beard-wearers.
However, on the age-old basis that mine enemys enemy is my friend, the Mail emerges today as the Corporations staunchest supporter in the tabloid press.
Once again, the paper is happy to exploit the dead to press its case against the Government.
While Dr Kelly lies in a grave too fresh for a headstone, it says, and his widow grieves in dignified if furious silence, a Government swaggering with triumphalism and driven by spite seeks to dismember the BBC.
Having extracted a pound of flesh on Wednesday with the resignation of BBC chairman Gavyn Davies, the Government yesterday got the equivalent of a Happy Meal, with director-general Greg Dykes departure and an apology so cringing that Lord Reith must be turning in his grave.
The Mirror emerges this morning as another champion of our public broadcaster, castigating the corporations governors for caving in to the Government.
The BBCs broadcasting, and particularly its journalism, has long been the envy of the world, it says, and it will not lose that reputation because of this one blow, grave as it is.
However, it has lost one of its most popular and effective director-generals in Dyke, a decision that sparked walk-outs in BBC offices around the country and which, says the Mirror, will leave the corporation as a poorer place.
Needless to say, the Rupert Murdoch-owned Sun does not see it in the same way.
The Government won, the BBC lost. Game over, is its summary of the Lord Hutton report as it goes on to wonder how Andrew Gilligan, the hapless hack who cost the BBCs two top men their jobs, has still got his.
It is a good question and perhaps the Sun could pause to consider what would happen if Sun journalists resigned every time they made a mistake.
Wapping would have become a ghost town years ago…’
Hutton Dressed As Lamb
‘THEY came to bury Tony Blair, not to praise him – but the absolute exoneration of the Prime Minister by Lord Hutton yesterday has rather taken the wind out of their sails.
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| Putting a spoke into the wheel of the news cycle |
Not that such details bother the likes of the Daily Mail, which immediately declares it a whitewash and convicts Blair and his evil henchman Alastair Campbell on all counts.
Hutton, it says, ‘blithely ignores (or is ignorant of) the context in which this sordid and unedifying saga unfolded’.
‘He clearly has an Establishment mind-set that assumed politicians and civil servants always tell the truth, while other witnesses are shown far less indulgence.’
In other words, the bastard didn’t agree with us.
The Express also mentions the word ‘whitewash’ under its breath, saying that Lord Hutton ‘simply failed to ask fundamental questions about the war that are crying out for answers’.
The Mirror accepts the report’s findings that the accusations against Blair, Campbell and Defence Secretary Geoff Hoon were unfounded, but reminds its readers that 272 days after the start of the war, Saddam’s fabled weapons of mass destruction are unfound.
And the Star takes its eyes off Jordan’s breasts just long enough to report that Jan Kelly, the widow of the man whose death prompted the inquiry, is preparing a fierce counter-attack to defend her ‘betrayed’ husband’s name.
‘She feels her husband was betrayed by his superiors and hung out to dry by them so they could dismiss criticism of the war,’ a family friend says.
‘They dumped on him in the most underhand way to save their own skins. And she will have her say.’
Whether this say will include criticism of the very Press who now seek sanctimoniously to honour Dr David Kelly’s memory but who in the summer were the very people who were camped outside his Oxfordshire house and forced him and his family to flee for a safe house we do not know.
But one thing is for sure – there are few sights less edifying than a country’s press dressing up self-interest, prejudice and commercial considerations as matters of principle.
The idea that the Mail cares more about Dr Kelly because it puts a picture of his snow-covered grave on its front page than Alastair Campbell, who it claims lives in a world ‘in which lies are told, revenge pursued and human feelings forgotten’, is laughable.
And the idea that the stinging attacks on the BBC in Rupert Murdoch’s Sun and in Richard Desmond’s Express and Star are not influenced by their owners’ other media interests is absurd.
A plague on all their houses.’
Rivers Of Silicone
‘LORD Hutton’s report may dominate the front pages this morning, but one wonders whether the fall-out from the day’s other big story will be more severe.
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| The land of plenty |
The news from the Australian jungle is that Jordan’s boobs are melting.
And environmentalists fear catastrophe looms, with rivers of molten silicone covering half of Australia, unless the problem can be contained.
The Mirror says Jordan herself first became aware of the problem and immediately called in well-known environmentalists Lord Brockett and Neil ‘Razor’ Ruddock to give a second opinion.
‘They are really saggy, ain’t they?’ she said. ‘Why don’t you have a proper feel. Go on, I haven’t got a bra on. You’ve got to properly squeeze them, though.’
Our two scientists needed no second invitation – and then Jennie Bond was called in to give her verdict.
‘They are beautiful,’ she concluded, ‘but a bit rubbery.’
Kerry ‘Moanin” McFadden also wanted to conduct her own experiment on what are undoubtedly one of the greatest engineering feats of the late 20th Century.
‘I want a piece of her,’ the Star hears Our Kerry say – and, judging by the size of Jordan’s chest, she could easily take one without the glamour model noticing.
Nor is Jordan’s popularity confined to her fellow contestants – the Sun announces that it is backing Jordan and in the Express Danniella Westbrook lends her support.
‘I’m voting for Jordan,’ she says. ‘She’s good fun but she’s also made of tough stuff.’
A copolyester elastomer and nylon/ABS alloy, to be precise.’
Lucky Jim
‘IS it a crime to want to kill Jim Davidson? Of course, it’s not. There’s not a jury in the land who would convict anyone for bringing the curtain down once and for all on Nick Nick.
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| ‘Yeah. It’s still ‘ere’ |
But the ‘smutty comic’ called police after EastEnders hardman Steve McFadden threatened to do just that for cracking a nasty ‘joke’ about his girlfriend.
Davidson was introducing Lucy Benjamin, who is co-starring with him in panto, to a police benefit concert, paying tribute to her as ‘a great actress’.
‘Then,’ says the Sun, ‘in a typical foul-mouthed aside, he grinned: ‘She’s a great fuck, too!”
Neither Lucy nor boyfriend Steve saw the funny side, with Steve threatening Davidson over the phone.
‘I’ll rip your fucking head off,’ he said.
The former Generation Game host called police, saying: ‘He was going beserk and using all kinds of language threatening my life.’
All of which nonsense obscures the main point of the story, which is how happy we are to see that Davidson’s brand of humour has one appreciative audience – our boys in blue.
After all, the only person who hates Pakis, wogs, poofters, cripples etc. more than Davidson is our old friend PC Plod.’
Moaner, Moaner
‘KERRY McFadden was worried that she would become the most hated woman in the country after her appearance on I’m A Celebrity… as a result of her famous outspokenness.
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| Wetter than a wet weekend in Liverpool |
And she is well on her way to achieving her goal, although not for the reason she expected.
It turns out that our Kelly is actually wetter than a fish’s bathing costume and even the Star cannot help but brand her a ‘jungle wimp’.
The Star, you will recall, is owned by the same Richard Desmond who publishes the Express and OK! – and Kerry, as regular Anorak readers will know, is star columnist for OK!’s Hot Stars pull-out.
But that didn’t stop the paper putting the boot into the ’emotional’ 23-year-old as she fought back tears when she was nominated for the third Bushtucker Trial.
Her task is to be lowered in a cage into a lake and try to collect as many meal tokens as possible before the water gets too high.
‘Viewers voted for her to carry out the task,’ the paper explains, ‘after watching her constantly moaning.’
Sent off to find a celebrity chest (not Jordan) with DJ Mike Read, she tried to turn back after only a few minutes and refused to walk up a muddy slope.
Later on, the former Atomic Kitten whined, when told to hold onto a rope as Read abseiled down a cliff-face: ‘I don’t know how I’m going to. I’ve got no energy.’
Later, she complained: ‘I went all dizzy and my chest closed. I thought I’d been bitten by a spider, but it was just me having a panic.’
However, the star of the show is obviously not Kelly, whose constant whining should guarantee an early reunion with husband Bryan McPadding, nor even her gargantuan breasts.
It is, of course, Jordan and her gargantuan breasts. But mystery surrounds these mountains of silicone after hints that TV bosses may have banned the glamour model from showing them to a watching nation.
As she went to peel her top off to get rid of assorted cockroaches crawling in her cleavage (not Peter Andre), she stopped and said: ‘I’m not allowed to do that, am I?’
‘The comment,’ says the Star, ‘upset fans who were hoping she’d live up to her vow to bare all.’
After all, it’s something none of us have seen before.’
The Small Chill
‘FOR our readers in Scotland, we have this message: ‘Grrrrrr! Brass monkeys…cold snap…cup of hot soup…snowed in…treacherous driving conditions…wrong snow on the line…blah, blah, blah’
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| There were fewer people than normal on Brighton beach yesterday |
For readers in the rest of the country, can we ask: ‘What is all this nonsense about the coldest weather since Hell last froze over?’
The thermostat in Anorak Towers is only ever triggered by 30 consecutive days of temperatures of -5C or below and as a result every winter we sadly lose a couple of members of staff to hypothermia.
But this year, in spite of dire warnings of arctic conditions sweeping the country, we are all just about clinging onto life.
(Paul in the corner does admittedly look like he’s going to go the way of so many others any minute, but we suspect that may have something to do with the five empty bottles of vodka lying under his desk.)
Even the Mail, which need no excuse to put the fear of God into its readers, has started to tone down its warnings of Armageddon On Ice.
Hell, Network Rail says the railways are all coping ‘despite the bad conditions’ – a sure sign that not a flake of snow has fallen over the country.
And what of Tesco with its 200,000 extra gallons of soup? Not a mention, although we can be pretty sure of getting a bumper ‘3-for-the-price-of-one’ deal next week.
‘The worst of the weather will stay over Scotland and North East England,’ says forecaster Nick Ricketts. ‘If you live there, it is not a good idea to go out.’
That’s nothing to do with the snow – it’s just not a good idea to go out.’
A Case For Inspector Morse
‘THE same mysterious Fiat Uno that was first seen driving through Dallas in November 1963 and was most recently spotted in Paris in August 1996 has turned up again.
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| Spotted driving away from the scene |
And this time it had its cross-country tyres on as it made its way over the Oxfordshire countryside and into the woods where the body of MoD scientist Dr David Kelly was later found.
Prime Minister Tony Blair may be cleared today of being indirectly involved in the events leading up to Kelly’s death, but three doctors are suggesting that someone may have been directly involved.
In other words, Kelly was murdered.
And they want the inquest into his death to be reopened to look into that possibility.
Kelly’s body, it will be remembered, was found slumped next to a tree in the Oxfordshire countryside, overlooked by a grassy knoll on which were found suspicious tyre marks.’
The Ex-Files
‘IT must be true, it’s in the papers. Right? Yeah, right.
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| ‘You could at least have sent me a text’ |
So, if the Mirror says that relations between Tom Cruise and ex-wife Nicole Kidman are not as friendly as they’d have us believe, it must be true.
And if the Sun says that any rift there was between the couple is a thing of the past, then that must also be true.
If the Mirror’s 3am Girls say Kidman was heard blasting her pint-sized ex at the Golden Globe awards, telling him, ‘Can you please stop sending me those stupid fucking text messages?’, then we have to take their word for it.
But if the Sun spots the two greeting each other ‘like old pals’ at the Golden Globe awards and later enjoying a private chat at the after-show party, then we should also take its word for that.
Why should we doubt the ‘shocked witness’ who tells the Mirror: ‘Everyone was talking about it afterwards. It’s not every day you get the biggest names in Hollywood bickering like teenagers’?
And why should we doubt the ‘partygoer’ who tells the Sun: ‘A lot has happened since they split up and the truth is they get on really well. They have loads in common and still love each other’?
In fact, the only thing that the papers manage to agree on after Sunday night’s ceremony is the list of winners, notably the two Golden Globes awarded to Ricky Gervais and The Office.
The Mirror says that Clint Eastwood was seen mouthing at his wife ‘Who are those guys?’ as Gervais and The Office team climbed onto the stage to accept the Best TV Comedy award.
Gervais was happy to explain. ‘I’m not from these parts,’ he said. ‘I’m from a little place called England – we used to run the world before you.’
The audience laughed nervously – geography and history in the same sentence is all a bit much for our American friends.’
Soup Opera
‘SOME stories are so important that they are worth repeating.
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| Andy Warhol made sure he wouldn’t go short |
That, we presume, is the reason why the Mail is so anxious to tell its readers that Tesco has stocked up on an extra 200,000 gallons of soup to beat the big chill.
Just as it did yesterday. And just as, we assume, it will tomorrow.
Some messages, as we say, are worth repeating. And such is the importance of this particular story that the Express also leads with news of ‘the great soup rush’.
Tesco, it says, has brought in – wait for it – an extra 200,000 gallons of soup to cope with the extra demand as plummeting temperatures sent shoppers into a frenzy of panic buying.
Sales of hot water bottles soared by 50%, duvets by 45% and electric blankets by 37%. Asda bosses brought in 18,000 extra cardigans and jumpers to help customers keep warm.
Electrical giant Comet saw a 33% increase in the sale of radiators, heaters and electrical fires, while outdoor pursuit chains saw huge sales of gloves, hats and fleece jackets.
In fact, everything seems to have been flying off the shelves, except newspapers – shoppers seem confident that they’ll get all the news they need for the week in Monday’s paper.’
Comic Strip
‘IT took Jordan all of 30 minutes to strip down to her bra and knickers in the Australian jungle and get her picture on the front of all the red-tops.
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| ‘Anyone not seen these before?’ |
And the papers have the audacity to sound surprised. ‘That didn’t take long!’ says the Sun; ‘…and it’s only Day One,’ splutters the Mirror.
If Jordan spends most of her waking hours flashing her bits at waiting photographers during an English winter, why do they think she’ll come over all shy during the Australian summer?
The Sun may be the official I’m A Celebrity… paper but the Star is ‘the ONLY paper in the jungle with the celebs EVERY DAY’, whatever that means.
And as such it has the exclusive news that Jordan is making a play for ‘randy toff’ Lord Brocket after dumping boyfriend Scott Sullivan on air.
‘I wouldn’t mind seeing his rocket,’ Jordan apparently said.
Meanwhile, former Aussie pop star Peter Andre was making his own bid for a few column inches by revealing that he once had a six-month relationship with fellow former pop star Mel B.
‘No-one even knew about it,’ he said. ‘And I don’t give a shit. You can do what you want and no-one will even hear about it.’
You’re right, Peter – YOU can do what you want and no-one will even hear about it, far less care about it.’
A Celebrity Wind-Up
‘WE are used to trains being delayed and cancelled because of the wrong kind of snow on the line, but now even the promised snow cant arrive on time.
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| In emergencies, Jordan doubles as a three-man liferaft |
But like British Rail of old, its getting here – albeit a bit more slowly than expected after setting off from Canada 24 hours late.
And the Sun warns that the UK will be colder than Greenland when it eventually arrives, with temperatures set to plummet to 14C in parts of Scotland.
Coastal areas will be lashed with heavy rain and freezing sleet, while the Midlands can expect as much as six inches if snow in 24 hours.
As we follow the Mails survival tips to get through what promises to be the coldest spell since 1997, our attention is drawn to sunnier climes.
And in particular to the 10 contestants gathered in the Australian jungle (or at least a set that looks vaguely like the Australian jungle) for the third series of Im A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here!
And it is already shaping up to be the smuttiest show yet, says the Sun, as a jungle training class descended into a Carry On sketch yesterday.
The Star also reports that pint-sized pop hunk Peter Andre and toff Lord Brockett are battling it out to see who can romp on the bush with top-heavy glamour model Jordan.
But the Express has news that a tornado with winds of up to 120mph is threatening to disrupt the start of the show after it swept through the Queensland camp.
Torrential rain lashed the Gold Coast and wind blew down electricity pylons on the road up to the jungle camp, it says.
Unfortunately, the storm has abated and power been restored to the cameras that will film the celebrities in the jungle over the next couple of weeks.
But the Express warns that more storms are forecast for the next few days.
Sheet lightning lit up the sky and the thunder shook windows, it says.
Jordans breasts, however, are built to withstand an earthquake of up to 7.8 on the Richter scale and remained unmoved during the whole experience.’
Glamour Tie
‘THIS may turn out to be the smuttiest series of Im A Celebrity so far, but it will surely not be the best unless last years star John Fashanu is airlifted back into the bush.
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| Fash training for his date with Leslie |
People ask: What can John Fashanu bring to Northampton? he once said during a failed bid to buy Northampton Town football club. In a word, glamour.
And glamour he could have again brought to the jungle, as well as providing the viewing public with an opportunity once again to vote for him to undertake every single Bushtucker Trial.
[Not, we hasten to point out, because we think the ex-Wimbledon striker is a vain and deluded berk of the highest order, but because he has star quality and we want to see him on our screens every minute of the day.]
That is why so many people tuned in to cable channel Bravo last night to watch a charity football game hosted by Fash.
It was nothing to do with the fact that the game marked John Leslies first scheduled appearance in front of the cameras since his spectacular fall from grace.
All the papers were there to see the Scot do his countrys goalkeeping tradition proud by letting in five goals before being substituted.
And the Mirror particularly enjoys the interview by Caroline Flack who asked Leslie: Have you played in front of the cameras? and Youre in goal…I hear youre good with your hands.
The Sun also reports that sex-shame blonde Abi Titmuss, who was at the game to support her boyfriend, is to be quizzed by police after admitting buying cocaine for Leslie and a friend.
Of Fash, however, there is no mention at all a journalistic oversight, which John Fashanu can only attribute to the hacks being too star-struck to approach John Fashanu for an interview.’
Living Doll
‘ABI Titmuss and John Leslie may fill the top two positions in the OK! Celebrity Chart for this week, but do either of them have their own doll?
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| With realistic moving parts |
No, but Kylie does a replica of the pop princess will hit the shops today and the Star says makers claim it is perfect in every detail, including that delicious derriere.
Kylies own head was scanned to create a three-dimensional model so it is an exact small replica of the pop princess, a spokesman for Jakks Pacific says.
Her whole team stylist, make-up artist, designer and management were involved in the process from start to finish.
The doll costs £10 and, at eight inches high, is a life-size reproduction of the pint-sized Australian singer.
Plans to capitalise on the success of Im A Celebrity by making similar dolls of Jordan and Kerry McFadden have had to be shelved because of a lack of plastic.’
Burning Down The House
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‘RAPE, abortion, beatings, arson and gang war its just another quite week down Walford way. Its no wonder most of the residents spend every waking moment in the pub.
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| Janine gets Ricky into another fine old mess |
Billy had a particularly good week by Walford standards. Firstly he almost killed Vicky (so it isnt all bad news), then he discovers that his wife would rather keep a rapists baby than stay with him.
In a bizarre attempt to forget his marriage wows, Billy agreed to burn down Angies Den for Sam. (Un)fortunately, Vicky was in the cellar of the club at the time and it was only Billys bravery/guilt that prevented her from burning to death as he broke down the door and carried her out.
Billys been hailed a hero by everyone for saving Vickys life, which hes finding quite difficult to cope with. Dennis alone was convinced that Billy only rescued Vicky because it was him who started the fire in the first place.
I know you did it, he hissed to Billy. Maybe I did but you cant prove a thing, Billy replied. That all was the ammunition Dennis needed to declare a turf/playground war. He stormed round to Sam and demanded that she pay for the damage to the club, or else.
Or else what? Hed pull her pigtails til she cried? Sam has a new protector, however, in the shape of Andy Kats almost husband and the East Ends poshest gangster.
Andy was dumped out of a car battered and bruised into the Square. He managed to stagger to the Vic where Kat has been nursing him back to health.
I owe im that much, she told a not entirely happy Alfie. Alfie wont have to worry for much longer though as Sams got her eye on Andy on the grounds that hes the only man under 60 in Walford who she hasnt slept with.
We could make a great team, she purred in his ear before lunging at him. What sort of team would that be then? A synchronised swimming team? Its difficult to imagine those two terrorising the East End, unless its with their woeful attempts at cockney accents.
They should be taking lessons from Janine on how to be a truly scary villain. Her terrifying thighs aside, shes playing the murderous grieving East End wife with a conviction that the Krays would be proud of.
Shes decided to have nothing to do with Paul now on the grounds that hes weak and is now determined to set up her own empire well, by Walford standards, a second hand car lot is an empire.
Janines persuaded Ricky to move in with her and go into business together as theyre famly. Later this week though, Ricky begins to realise that Janine isnt quite as innocent as he thinks. Amazing. At this rate Rickyll be doing joined-up writing by Christmas.’
